My husband left me – What do I do now? – A reader shares her story of her husband suddenly leaving her and then discovering there was another woman.
By Doug
It’s inevitable that many of our great readers offer some great responses to others in the comment section. I call them “comment gems.”
A few weeks back, there was a plea for advice from a reader, “Runaway Husband Issue,” after her husband left her unexpectedly.
There were two replies that stood out to me.
I wanted to re-post them as I think that the situation is a common one (I hear stories all the time like this in mentoring sessions), and the advice was very good. (I’ve taken the liberty of ‘cleaning’ up the comments a bit to make them a bit easier to read.)
Here we go.
“Runaway Husband Issue” writes…
HELP – WHEN HE HAS ALREADY LEFT YOU? …and YOU THEN DISCOVER THE OTHER WOMAN – WHAT NEXT?
So, what do you do when your husband leaves you – and the 3 kids – after an argument and says we are no longer compatible, I don’t love you and the marriage of 15 years is over?
I knew something wasn’t right from years ago, more so in the last 8 months. He became withdrawn, depressed and there was no intimacy at all. We had our issues, the lack of communication, he would stonewall me many times, I felt like a worn out stay-at-home mom that had lost her identify after being at home for over 10+ years.
It has been 3 months since my husband left me and moved out of the family home (staying with friends), and I’m still here with the kids and dogs.
I was completely blindsided because we had gone to marriage counselling only months before and were a few sessions in……. I didn’t understand it at all!
Who leaves their marriage and family, just like that? It didn’t make sense.
A few friends mentioned he must have someone else waiting….another woman….which I never in a million dreams ever expected.
Well….that unfortunately came true.
I discovered some old phone bills/logs, I had access to as a joint holder of the phone bills and there was the proof I needed. There were thousands of text messages to her, all day and all night….hours of calls etc.
This is the same person I had called him up on, in those 10-12 months before. as I could see him chatting to her online……and he had casually said they are friends, she’s just a work colleague, we chat about our kids etc.
He made me FEEL like I was imagining it all, gaslighting me….telling me I was crazy …. and I thought maybe he was right. Maybe I’m insecure….. but my GUT WAS RIGHT …
So – I’m in this limbo….. I can SEE he is confused. I can see he isn’t happy….yet he’s still SEEING her and has no idea that I KNOW what has occurred in the past, and Now…..
He is deflecting the BLAME and GUILT he feels and I’m really unsure HOW I should confront him, because I Still LOVE this man. Even though this emotional affair (and now that he is ‘single’ I’m sure it is physical too) has completely left me betrayed and hurt in so many ways I cannot explain.
How can I confront him about all this without ruining any chance of reconciliation? (As crazy as it sounds, I can forgive if he is open and gets the help he needs to get thru this black hole.)
Am I wrong to want to forgive him and tell him that I LOVE him and for him to come back?
HELP please.
Response from “Hopeful”…
Runaway Husband Issue, First of all you are not wrong for any of your feelings. Healing from betrayal is a process. It is hard since none of it is your doing.
That is one thing I wish for you to understand that it is not your fault at all. These were decisions made by your husband without you being consulted. I think this is really hard to come to grips with especially in the beginning when we are caught off guard.
My dday was 4 1/2 years ago. My husband had two sporadic affairs over ten years. It was hard since sometimes things would be great and normal and other times he was detached and distant. Also the gaslighting was horrible.
My husband has admitted that he told himself whatever he needed to in order to make himself feel better while he was cheating on me. I think many people compare it to a drug.
Often our husbands want to stop but do not often from shame. Or they call it the affair fog too. And honestly none of my husband’s decisions made sense. There was no logic to any of it.
He recently told me that it was like another person and lifetime. He said now after going through recovery it could never happen to him ever no matter what was happening to us.
For me I have realized in our case that my husband betrayed himself first and foremost. As we have worked through this I can see that it was all about him. Yes of course I was affected but it has taken a lot more work and effort on his part than mine.
I never thought that would be the case. I thought he made these decisions but it must have been okay with. But it is the farthest thing from the truth. And I would say it was 18-24 months before he really started diving in deep to figure himself out.
I would suggest you make sure you continue or get into individual therapy. A therapist can help guide you and get specific as far as boundaries, expectations and what is right for you to do. My therapist was a sounding board and support system. Often I was not sure how strong of a boundary to establish but my therapist walked me through it and had examples of past clients and their successes and failures. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted and then how I could take steps to make those things a reality.
I would also consult an attorney and tax consultant. Even if nothing happens it is smart to find out your options for where you live. I know many people find the advice of an attorney helpful and a tax accountant can help with forensic work.
As far as confronting, I would ask others for advice that have been separated. For me I gathered as much paper evidence as possible. My husband did admit quickly but he had ended both affairs 15 months before dday and had been keeping it a secret. But there was a lot of trickle truth and he was not sure if he could or wanted to stay after dday. He honestly had been living his life in a selfish way only thinking about himself and he knew it was going to require big changes.
Typically what I set were strong boundaries and expectations. No contact, and very set parameters around every aspect of life. Access to all electronics, accounts, credit cards, bank accounts, phone records, before making any plans we had to talk about every detail, if any detail changed then he had to call – not text me. We also went together and got STD tests. That was non negotiable. It went into even more details.
In the end I told him I was going to give 100% and my main reason was for my kids. He decided quickly to give it six months.
It has been a lot of work and I know all of our situations are different. I do not judge anyone if they stay or leave their marriage. We are all trying to navigate this the best we can.
Please ask questions and feel free to vent or whatever you need. This is a place for you to open up and feel safe.
Response from “Who Knows”…
RHI – my situation is similar to yours but I was further along so I wanted to share what I went through to show you one possible path of evolution for you.
I returned from an extended overseas trip one day and my H [husband] suddenly said he wanted a divorce. And he went ahead with it, filing and everything, plus putting in extremely unfavorable terms to me financially, plus basically seeing the kids as little as possible.
I was blindsided just as you were.
We had a lot of issues though and I was the one who said before all of this that if he did not do the right things we’d need to go to divorce.
One day, he decided to move out and said: if you and the kids (we have young children) ever need help, feel free to let me know. Just like that…like he is doing us a huge favor by saying that. I said: “You know what? I will move out and if you guys need any help, feel free to call me and I will be sure to help!”
So I went to spend the night in the hotel that he booked for himself. That morning, he came back saying that he changed his mind and he wants to “return to his family”.
Although I felt really weird about his words (I didn’t know that he went away from our family at that time), I accepted it. Of course, when he returned, he did not really end it with the OW, and it went on for another 2 years without me knowing.
During the 2 years, he fulfilled basic family duties (working, dropping off kids, etc.) but he was 0% emotionally invested. He stonewalled me, gaslit, and made my life miserable. Throughout, I think he was in depression or some other mental illness and strongly suggested him to see a therapist, which of course he turned down.
D-Day was when the OW couldn’t wait any longer and spilled everything between them onto a public forum. He was still in the dark when that happened. After that, he really woke up from his “fog” and saw her true colors and crawled back to me.
Since then, he has treated me and my kids better than anytime through our marriage, but I don’t think I can regain feelings for him anytime soon. I’m focusing on myself and what would make me happy, and whether or not he is in that picture – is up to me.
What was helpful for me through the process:
1) Turn the table on him (calmly). With 3 kids, you need to drop them all off to him and give yourself a break from time to time. Take your kids and knock on his door and drop them off there (nicely, say how helpful he is for looking after the kids) for the weekend.
Cheaters have no sense of responsibility and only when they are forced to do the work do they realize how much work there is to maintain a family.
I still remember his shocked face when he decided to leave and offered that “generous” gesture to “come to help anytime,” thinking this was the fairest offer ever and I turned it on him all of a sudden, which became the most unfair bargain for him. So ridiculous.
2) Treat yourself well. You are a valuable human being. You are beautiful, kind, have integrity and great mother and wife! He and the OW are really low and have extremely low self-esteem.
Maybe I’m just a very confident person to begin with, but I have never doubted that the OW was better than me. And when the truth came out, she was a very low, old, ugly woman who married someone her dad’s age in exchange for a green card.
My husband said the only reason he had the affair was she was too “easy,” with zero “effort” required to get her and stay with her. She basically was willing to have sex with anyone who would buy her a free lunch, and that’s what they did throughout their affair.
My husband had such low-esteem in his life that he was not willing to expend any effort to fight for anything good in life. Well, if he wants to stay with me, he will need to fight, to give effort, to give 100% of himself. Otherwise, he can leave at any time.
3) Consult a lawyer to protect yourself financially. When my H handed me the divorce papers, I immediately went to see a lawyer. He did self-filing with OW’s help, and they put in some ridiculous terms in there, basically abandoning his children.
I told him no way. I was served but I never responded. Before the 30-days came up, he buckled and withdrew.
He mentioned later that when he and the OW saw the credit card bill payment that I paid the lawyer, they were at a loss, they didn’t know what to do. They never saw that coming. They just thought I would sign whatever was handed to me.
They fought because of this and because the OW told him to get into a trial with lots of lawyer fees and to not give me one cent more. But he said he would rather pay me than the lawyers, so that planted a seed of disagreement between them.
Of course, that wasn’t enough to wake him up. It took many more wake-up calls until she did the public announcement of their great “love story.” That’s when he really woke up from his bubbled world. Guess where that “I move out and call me if you guys need help” idea came from? Also her! How smart of these guys who think that people will bend to their wishes! This actually brings up another point…
Related Audio and Transcript: All You Need to Know About the Affair Fog
4) Do not try to reason with him, plead with him, anything! It’s useless. He is living on another planet right now, it’s called the “fog”. He could barely hear the words that I said, not to mention the meaning of my words.
When he filed for divorce, at one point, he wanted to have our daughter. I said “Really, what are you going to with her…use a public restroom when out playing?” He said he would figure it out. But later, he told me he never thought about that even after I asked him specifically. He also never thought about how to deal with her kids.
You would think two people who want to get married would go through this logistical stuff, but nope, nada. They did not talk or plan anything about the life they were going to live together. It’s really hard to imagine but it’s true.
I have never seen anyone acting as stupidly as he did all the while he felt he was doing the “right” thing and I was the one to blame. Seriously, this was his true thinking, really hard to believe, but people’s IQ and EQ gets lowered to that level when in the affair fog.
5) Most of all, get on with your life and don’t wait for him to come back! You will shine on your own right and he might come back one day, but by that time you really don’t care one way or another.
To this day, I still think the best outcome for my husband would be for him to fulfill his dream of marrying the OW, and see his life go rapidly downhill from there. They truly deserve each other. The place they could end up with could be really, really low.
If his life was an 8 before this, now we are down to a 5 or 6 (because he lost his job due to this and had other physical and financial impact from this; one of his parents got cancer perhaps from the many sleepless nights from knowing about his affair). He could easily end up at a 2 or 3 with her.
She would have sucked up his money and tossed him to the curb just like she used her current daddy-aged husband. I really wish I could see him in that position and how he regrets everything at that point.
Anyway, to summarize, don’t feel that he has the upper hand, it may seem that way now, but I can really tell you, someone who lives with integrity and moral values, who carries out parenting responsibilities despite of all the challenges, will be the one who reaps life’s best fruit at the end.
You are really the stronger person in your marriage right now, and he is the weak one, don’t let him fool you into thinking otherwise.
If your husband or wife left you as a result of an affair, please share your experiences…
- How did it transpire?
- What was the fallout?
- How did you handle/deal with it?
- Where do things stand currently?
And feel free to ask for advice or opinions from others!
31 replies to "My Husband Left Me – Then I Discovered the Affair – What Do I Do Now?"
Very good article and some great advice. I strongly disagree with only one thing. Short of a court-ordered visitation, I would NEVER take my kids and drop them off at the hubbys new bachelor pad. During my husband’s affair, he was the most selfish, self-involved, self-serving person I have ever seen. The colossal lack of judgement he used to begin the affair spilled over into every other area of his life. To give just one example, he didn’t come with us when our oldest child had surgery. He rushed in to the hospital just as they were getting ready to take her back to the operating room. Too little, too late. We had already been there for hours. She was deeply hurt by this and carries that scar to this day. After d-day, he admitted the OW was the reason. She didn’t want him there and they had a huge fight over it. He was so flustered, he backed into a light post when he got to the hospital and did a lot of damage to his vehicle.
Trust me on this. If he is not acting like the man you married? He’s not going to act like the father you co-created your kids with. If you have young kids, you don’t need to worry about them falling into a pool, or wandering around a house that isn’t child-proofed while he is busy texting his schmoopie. In our case, his ho-worker turned out to be a genuine bunny boiling psychopath. You don’t need your kids spending time around someone like that.
Hi Exercisegrace.
The hubby sounds like a piece of work.
A little clarification: In the sentence, “She didn’t want him there and they had a huge fight over it,” is “She” the oldest child who had surgery, or the OW?
Also, I wonder what the timing of this was? Was the affair fog in effect? Is there any chance that he has or will show some improvement? It is good to have the father in the children’s life, but not if he is a complete jerkoff who only causes hurt and scars.
In any case, 50 bonus points to you for using the word “schmoopie”.
Yes, it was the OW who didn’t want him coming to the hospital. She kept telling him it was “just” same day surgery, and “just” knee surgery, and he wasn’t needed. Idiot. We have friends who lost a daughter at 16 when she threw a blood clot following knee surgery. Our daughter was terrified and she needed us there.
As far as timing, it was in the middle of his affair which was about 18 months long. He was being constantly pulled between his whore and his family. It was all a game to her. Not her first rodeo, she always seemed to seek out older men (10+ years….daddy issues anyone?) and try to destroy their world. And take their money. Of course I found all this out much later. He ended the affair on his own, before being caught. I trusted way too much, believed in him way too much.
Seven years later he’s done pretty much everything I have asked of him, to try and repair the damage. But it runs very deep. The OW turned bunny boiler and tormented me and my daughter for a long time. It’s been a hard road forward.
This says a lot about your patience and merciful love that you put in SO MUCH hard work for a man that didn’t deserve it. I think you have a lot to be proud of, and I wish so much crap had not been dumped on you
I completely agree with you. I also fear for my sons safety. His father is hiding his live in girlfriend from me. He’s taken him on a 1 week vacation and visits 3-9 hours a month, minus the last 3 months he chose not to see him. We don’t have a specific visitation order. He can visit when he wants as often as he wants. I dont argue or discuss his lack of anything with him. I agree with him texting me. I am kind and reply promptly. I want my son to know I am not standing in the way of his relationship with his dad. I do discuss it and explain its his dads personal issues with himself. My son, sees and hears things for himself. In the end I will not be the scapegoat. If he chooses to not be there for his son he and only he will have to answer for that. I choose to love and enjoy time with my son. I will never stop being a mom first above all else. I find it to be a privilege and I’m happy I don’t have an ex who is trying to fight me for custody. He has said it to me and proven that he doesn’t want the responsibility. Although his job is demanding, if I was the one with a demanding job, I would spend all my free time with my son especially if he didnt live with me.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, although the end result is the same, I discovered the affair and proceeded to have nearly 3 months of torment culminating in kicking my husband out after DDay3. Mind you, during the 3 months, he was so in love with me and we even had couples tattoos. Ultimately, he’s a man-child coward with only selfish thoughts. He has prioritized himself over his own children time and again.
After living with his girlfriend and her kids for about 6 weeks, he decided, in violation of our explicit agreement, to suggest to our 14 year old daughter that his whore would love to meet her and her brother “when they are ready” and assured our daughter that she would be 1000 times more nervous about meeting them than they would ever be meeting her (this is the same day that he arrived to see them with cupcakes, expecting that they would fall all over him but when told their father was here to visit, neither bothered to come out of their rooms….and apparently, his whore bought the cupcakes, which the kids were not impressed with at all). Then he just mentioned the conversation he had already had with our daughter to me like it was no big deal. IT’S A GIGANTIC DEAL, YOU MORON! These kids are not at all okay with the present situation. My H is completely oblivious and refuses to even entertain any evidence that the kids are not okay. He’s still all pie in the sky that everything will work out fantastically. His only concession with this is that is was “A BIT PREMATURE!” It’s almost like he thinks we should be HAPPY FOR HIM that he has found his soulmate, or so he believes. I’ve told him that this has cost us way too much for us to be “happy” for him. Meanwhile, my son (10) is continuing to pretend that his father is just gone to work because he cannot handle the emotions related to his father leaving for his whore and my daughter is nearly hostile but plays the part as she is not yet ready to confront her father. She has said she wants to give him an ultimatum — that if he wants a relationship with her, he cannot have one with his skank. I want to discourage this since I am confident this will only result in more pain for my babies as he will choose his whore over his own kids, again. He has not had a single, meaningful conversation with either of our kids about this since the day he told them he was leaving. He NEEDS his justifications to insulate himself from the guilt and shame. He NEEDS to believe that the kids will be just fine to mitigate his guilt about what he has done to them for his own selfish reasons. He NEEDS to believe that this relationship is so deep and real and will go the distance. He doesn’t realize that he’s never been lucky and having this relationship last AND having emotionally healthy children after this would be like hitting the lottery twice!
This idiot actually took his whore with him to the dentist (where we have gone as a family for nearly a decade!) and thought that was no big deal. He said he doesn’t care what anyone thinks and I shouldn’t either. He claims that everyone at work knows they are together and no one is bothered by it. He claims that there was no policy violation at work, even though he was her direct supervisor when the EA was occurring but was transferred to another department before the PA (in his truck in the work parking lot — CLASSY!), however, he was often the only manager on site and therefore, was always in a position above her. Ironically, this whore is not well liked at their workplace — maybe because everyone else has left their rose-colored glasses at home!
Although I have been trying to come to terms with this relationship whiplash after 24 years together, made more difficult by the 3 months of more lies and false reconciliations, I have been struggling on multiple fronts. I am not sure if this is a MLC A or wife abandonment syndrome, as he has characteristics of both. He is so cold to me and acts like I mean less to him than a stranger on the street. He watched me fall apart, losing my mind, while he continued to lie to me and stayed involved with her. Now, however, this is not about me or my marriage. This is about my kids. He is so incredibly ignorant right now and cannot see clearly enough to put the well being of our children at the forefront. He has barely even spent time with the kids (maybe 4 hours or so each week for the last 2 months). He refuses to schedule much in advance to visit them (I’m now demanding a minimum of 72 hours in advance and our plans take precedence) and although this is basic consideration, he says that I’m being controlling by requiring advance notice. I told him that our lives do not revolve around him anymore and I will not have him swooping in at the last minute and throwing our plans in disarray.
After a difficult exchange recently, he finally showed signs of the strain and conflict he is now experiencing. There have been a few occasions when it seemed they were fighting — he has even called in to work twice in the last 2 months and stayed with her, while lying to me and our daughter about working those days. These possible fights have also been around a time he spent more time at our house (not necessarily with our kids though). He claimed during that recent exchange that he would figure this out and spend more time with our kids, expressing that he was being pulled in many directions at his point. So, I think the cupcakes, the offer to meet the kids, etc. was from his whore. She wants him with her all the time (insecure much homewrecker?) and knows that with the present arrangement, he sees me every time he sees his kids. I’m assuming she thinks that if she met the kids, he could have them around and would never have to be away from her. However, my kids are in no way ready to have anything to do with her. AND…..we haven’t even filed. We are still married. He is shacking up with his whore and her kids, away from his ACTUAL family, while he is still my husband. (I am not filing due to financial/insurance issues that will develop as soon as filing occurs, and of course, that coward won’t file and can’t even afford it!) I’ve asked him what kind of example that is for our kids. How are you going to talk with them about morals when clearly demonstrating that you have none? He then blamed me for that, based upon what he assumes I tell our kids. He refuses to acknowledge that at 10 and 14, and clearly knowing why he left, our kids don’t need me to tell them anything!
It’s quite pitiful that he is being led around by this idiot, while blindly accusing me of being controlling. He told me he is on his way to becoming “more” and is now getting involved in some crazy mystical shit that he would have mocked mercilessly before this. Oh, and his whore believes she is psychic and from a recent comment, he believes that too. I will say, he is acting like he is under some sort of stupidity spell.
I cannot take any more of this insanity! I never thought I would have to protect my kids from their own father! But his loyalty to us is long gone and as soon as she doesn’t like something, he demonstrates how he is not the man that was my husband or their father all these years. He’s so caught up in this delusional fantasy, that he will do anything to keep it going, even when it hurts the people who have loved him all this time.
So, any input on whether this sounds like midlife crisis or wife abandonment syndrome? (Mind you, this is really just for me to feel at least a little bit like I understand some part of what has occurred in our life. I am not trying to fix anything. He has made sure to leave our relationship in ashes by his behavior and although it is difficult, I do believe that this will work out for the best for me in the long run, and hopefully for my kids as well, somehow.)
I am so sorry you are going through this. Betrayal is hard enough. You are such a good mom to be putting your kids as the priority. It is so hard as we suffer but for me too my kids were my priority. It is impossible to understand how a parent can do what he is doing to his kids. My advice would be to get you and your kids into therapy. No matter what happens with your husband (which you have no control over) at least you are taking steps to take care of yourselves. The only other thing I can say is that my husband’s affairs were not MLC he was way too young for that but I will say he told himself whatever he had to in order to avoid feeling worse about what he had done. He has admitted it now that he made me out to be the worst person in his mind and he believed anything the two ow told him. I would seek professional help both mental health and legally to understand what steps you can take. Not even sure if you want to try and snap him out of this fog he is in. Thinking of you!
Hopeful,
Thank you for your reply. The last couple months have been all over the place. I have been seeing a therapist and need to set my kids up with therapists as well. Because I am still getting the bulk of his checks, I’m in a little bit of limbo as this will change dramatically once everything gets “official”. I also recently discovered that my primary job as a grant funded contractor will be over at the end of 2019. Lovely…..
My biggest challenge has been to sever the last thread of hope for my marriage. After so many years, that last thread is pretty stubborn. It’s like that little part cannot accept that he’s no longer mine.
However, its existence just continues the pain of the betrayal. He’s on vacation this week and started it off by going out of town with his whore. It still hurts so much that he basically plucked me out of his wife position and dropped her right in. The absence of loyalty or regard is so hard to even wrap my head around!
Anyway, I am so grateful for this community and the support through all this! People who haven’t been here just don’t get it fully and seem to run out of support steam long before the need for it ends.
Fractured— you need to get some legal and financial advice. You need to change the locks on your doors and this is perfectly legal since he’s abandoned the home.
No he is not allowed to just swoop in when it suits him and upset your plans. Once the courts intervene this will be set in stone. There are set visitations.
In the mean time do not respond or answer the door when he wants last minute visits. And DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT. Judges respect that stuff. Keep all your receipts and expenses as evidence as well.
I’m hearing there’s an app calendar for divorced/separated people co parenting. Set that up and send it to him. Make him plan in advance for visits through that calendar. The court will love you set up a plan for visitation for him and his children.
In the mean time get your ducks in a row. Don’t get caught up in HIS drama of them fighting etc. treat yourself well. Take the kids on little weekend trips to anywhere. Don’t wait around for him. He’s deep in the so called fog. In fact no things will not be ok especially for at least a year. Once you settle and make your own schedule with your children and force him through the courts to not act on a whim when he wants his kids along with his stupid cupcakes, then you and your children will be ok.
Let him flounder and flap in the wind with OW and her tacky sweets. Right now he’s an asshole of epic proportions and you should allow as little contact as possible for both you and your kids.
Sending you good vibes and hugs
Trying hard,
Thank you for your reply. I did have the locks changed this week and changed all the codes. I’m taking the kids on vacation next week. It will be locked down as tight as possible. He claims he’s given me his only key but I couldn’t leave comfortably based on the word of a pathological liar.
I did some more PI work today and was able to discover that he never REALLY ended the affair. Maybe for a week after DDay1 and only 3 days after DDay2. He was trying to have us both, still, even while driving me to the edge of my sanity and breaking my spirit. The things he said to me – exactly what I needed to hear but my gut wouldn’t allow me to believe. But, I needed to discover this to move forward. Those three months of torment made me feel like I was existing on constantly shifting sand. I thought he meant some if it but didn’t know where the truth ended and the lies began. Knowing the timeframes, he was lying throughout. Some of it, he probably meant on some level but that’s a moot point in the big picture. My first post mentioned affair fog in this and now that seems even more at play. At this point, I simply hope that increases the chance of an impending crash and burn so at least I feel some retribution is at hand.
Obviously still very angry! But i’ve started more things in motion with fixing up the house as planned, without his express knowledge, and will be paying with marital funds (I’m still handling everything anyway). Although he promised to help out with home repairs, that’s occurring less and less. He won’t even show me how things work anymore so I can do it myself. He’s become completely useless to me, except his money. I’m tentatively planning to file the first of 2020 when it will be most beneficial to me but I will contact the lawyer again to start the ball gently rolling. If he does the wrong thing in the meantime, hold on to your hat dickweed! I have gathered much documentation but have a bit more to compile. He watched me DESTROY a jerk in civil court so you’d think he’d realize what he’ll be up against!
I was reading another blog on this site and the discussion talked about strong women that didn’t APPEAR to need to be taken care of and how the cheaters want to be the hero for the OW. My H said it was a Florence Nightingale thing where he felt like he could help her. Of course, that means little since her was still involved with her at that time while lying to me.
Thank you for the continued support and good vibes!
Be strong
Read about infidelity. Affairrecovery.com has good videos, also read about narcissists. You can join quora.com for free and read about narcissists. These along with this current site we are on are all great to help you understand and help you to heal. A funny book to help you laugh and help you see “leave a cheater, gain a life”. Its hard to get past betrayal of a person you shared a life with and thought you would be with forever. I’m sorry for your pain!
Any update on this situation? I am going through something almost identical and am curious to know how your situation turned out.
Fractured, I am so sorry for what you have to go through. I’m glad you have the support of therapy and I hope you have someone in “real life” you can vent to as well as here. You will find much support in this group. They have seen me through some rough times. There are some very wise women here!
My main advice to you would be not to worry about the “type” of affair. Although I truly get it. I wanted so much to know WHY?! What would make him throw aside over 20 years of marriage and turn his back on me and our four kids? I thought if I just had the answer to WHY, it would somehow make it better or at least easier if I could just understand!! In the end it doesn’t matter, because it’s always a combination of shitty factors. For now just stay strong for the kids, get advice from an attorney on how to protect your assests so he can’t shift money around or deplete accounts to provide for his whore and the fake family.
Exercise Grace,
Thank you for your response. I do appreciate your comments on being less hung up on the type of affair. My training is in psychology so it’s a bit of a hazard for me to over analyze everything. I’m just wired that way. ???? I don’t understand those who don’t want to know. Although it hurts, I’d rather have it all out so I can come to terms with it as best and thoroughly as possible. I do have more questions for him now as it appears many of my suspicions were likely dead on in the moment. I’m not sure I’ll get the truth but I’ll try. I figure it’s the least he can do after all these years and what he’s done, assuming he is capable of the truth. Knowing hurtful truths is still preferable to wondering.
I’ve tried to keep some things quiet here as he is familiar with this site. Although I doubt he’d be looking, I want to be very careful regarding strategy. Trust me, I’ve always got a few plans and cards to play. What made his life so easy all these years will now be his undoing…… and he won’t even see it coming because he left it all in my lap and didn’t want to be bothered with the grown up realities of life. That’s why I still get his money….. because he still wants to avoid real, adult responsibilities. He was just complaining the other day about how difficult it had been to set up his own checking account. ???? We talked about it nearly two months ago. Yeah, she really roped in her knight in shining armor….. who takes two months to complete a simple adult task. I’d love to see him jump through the hoops to complete a home purchase and mortgage. Yep, that was all me, everytime. And up until the present, he fully expects that I’ll take care of everything, likely to include the dissolution of our marriage and all the legal wrangling. ???? Sure thing…..????????????
Fractured— you’re doing great. Glad you changed the locks. I’d install dead bolts in case he calls a locksmith when you’re gone. Also notify the police you are leaving and that no one should be in the home.
I don’t know how to do anything mechanically around my home but I’m sure i could learn. Yeh he’s to busy with scmoops to help. It’s as if it isn’t their responsibility any more once strange stuff enters the picture. Eff him. Hire it done.
My h was def the knight in shining armor. He could reallly impress her. She had nothing. He was a big shot in her eyes. Big ego boost. It’s sick.
I’m glad you’re familiar with civil litigation. I hope you have a bad ass lawyer lined up. I did and it scared the crap out of h. He was going to lose everything he’d worked for for a piece of trash. I was t going to go off quite as quietly as he thought i would. He kept saying to trust him and suggested we share attorneys. Bwahahaha. I may be stupid but I’m not dumb!
I understand having to go through the snooping PI phase. It’s all part of the process. I got too caught up in it and was a waste of time because i never really got all the info i wanted. Never will. I’m ok with that now. We all do stuff on our own time table.
Stick around and let us know how you’re doing. I’ll be thinking if you and your children praying for the best for all of you
The woman who wrote this letter needs to get legal advice, not marriage saving advice. She also needs to let hubby and his whole family, coworkers, and friends know the truth of his leaving. No more waiting around to see what he decides take the decisions away from him he’s shown he’s not capable of making adult decisions, you wouldn’t trust you financial future to an impulsive teenage boy so don’t do it with a teenage boy in an adult body.
Fractured it sounds like your husband has Peter Pan syndrome and doesn’t want to grow up. He placed you in the role of his mom and is now rebelling like all teenage boys do. He’s not going to grow up, he can’t, so kudos to you for getting your ducks in a row. Please talk to your therapist about what drew you to this type of man, so you can have more equal fulfilling relationships in the future.
Mine never actually left, but suggested it when he was in the affair fog. I responded very seriously when he mentioned it by stating that he ever set foot out the door to meet the harlot (it was a Facebook affair, with online sexual activity) he was not going to be able to come back home as that door would be permanently closed to him. At the time, he truly considered the yearning he felt for her and damn the consequences; today, we are reaping those consequences as our jobs were impacted and our family was almost broken beyond repair, my feelings for him are almost non-existent and I only hang on because I don’t feel the prompting from God to end my marriage so I keep working on it….otherwise, I’d be a divorced woman moving on with my life and piecing my heart together bit by bit….even now, after coming back from vacation together I don’t feel an especially strong connection to my husband, but I don’t throw in the towel as I wait patiently on God to have the last word on where my marriage ultimately stands….I keep working and living to the best of my abilities knowing that I might never regain those feelings again for my husband, and that, too, is ok…..
I see you kittypone.
Soul Mate,
Thank you….I see you as well, sister….
I can very closely relate to kittypone’s last comments. I, too, am waiting on God for the last word. Which is tough, very hard for me to discern what is the right course of action.
I am presently separated from my husband, we’ve been apart for about 10 months, since last September. My d-day was February 2018. I think 2018 was one of the worst years of my life. There was a major traumatic event just about every month of that year. My h has a heart condition; he had heart surgery in January. My stepsons also played a part in the chain of events. One threatened to drown the other at a pool party, of which I was witness and then insisted that we all have family counseling. I started searching for a family therapist for our blended family.
In February, I confronted my h about his ea with a coworker, which I watched play out and occasionally questioned over a 1-1/2 year period. We started couples counseling, at which time my h was diagnosed with moderate ADHD. (I think there are other presenting impairments but that is a whole other story.)
In March, we had a seemingly minor argument which ended in him punching holes in the walls in our home. We started family therapy.
In April, I was falsely accused of calling child protective services on my 2 stepsons, as they had become overly violent with each other, exhibiting more life-threatening behavior. The false accusation caused a major fracture in our blended family, particularly with the one who was accused of the serious behavior. Because it was assumed that I was the one who made the call, I was blackballed by my husband, my stepsons, their mother (his ex-wife), the family…
In May, our marriage counselor stopped counseling us to reconcile, instead he changed his “strategy” and he counseled us to separate our finances and “do our own thing”. Which heavily influenced my h. He was very much on board with that concept. (Freedom! Autonomy!) I did not want to be counseled to take steps away from each other. I wanted to confront issues. Our counselor wouldn’t confront issues anymore. In an individual session he told me I should file for divorce. That my h married me for my money, that all he wanted was to be taken care of.
In June we separated our finances and split the bills done the middle. I had my own checking, savings, and one credit card that was paid off monthly. Within that first month my h racked up $1,000’s in credit card debt, cards that are in his name.
In July, he borrowed from the bank, opened another card, quit his full time job (insurance lost) and started his own business as a subcontractor in construction. It was as if being married didn’t matter anymore, as far as joint decision-making, togetherness, mutual care and concern, life direction…
In August he announced that he was moving, back to the area where his boys lived, near his ex-wife, “so he could spend more time with the boys”….and that is another “whole other story” of years of the ex-wife bullying and using the children as a means of control. There is a LOT to this aspect of our relationship. This decision to move is only a part, and the only “good-sounding” reason for so many rash decisions.
By this time I was quite the emotional wreck, stunned and shocked, and afraid of what the next day might bring me. At first I was completely against him moving out, but then I changed my mind and agreed. He suggested we write up a post-nuptial agreement to protect me from all his financial decisions. I agreed to that, too!
In September he moved out. We continued with marriage counseling and it was more of the same- more autonomy, more steps away from each other.
October through December was just HARD. Adjusting to being separated, grieving losses, first holidays apart…
We are still in marriage counseling. We have a different counselor now, one who specializes in ADHD/addiction, and my h sees an ADHD specialist. But nothing really changes. Anytime I am with my h, our time is characteristic by chaos and distraction. In counseling, the affair has been swept under the rug. I am constantly gaslighted, stonewalled, and blamed. Either I say too much or not enough. I’m either not direct enough or controlling. My responses to his behavior and decision-making are wrong. And this happens in counseling with the new counselor as well.
I truly don’t know how we could or would overcome these obstacles in our marriage. We are so fractured. My relationship with my stepsons has been damaged, I am no longer the influence in their lives I once was. There is so much work yet to be done. There is no trust and my h doesn’t seem to make any effort to built it. He acts as if he doesn’t even care to.
So, for me, I read, read, read. I have lost myself in the years of this breakdown. I don’t even know what it would look like to do something for myself, without guilt.
There is so much more to my mess than one affair.
Leaningonhope,
My question for you would be: what do you want to happen? Remember that the only outcome you can control is what happens with YOU as far as decisions go. You can’t control your h, his ex wife or your stepsons….you can only control YOU and what happens with YOU…..you choose if you accept what is being thrown at you or not…..your h wants to do his own thing? Let him. When he falls flat on his face and breaks a couple of teeth, he can get his own dang dentist to fix them!! You stepchildren want to behave like spoiled brats? It can’t reflect back on you, you’re not raising them….ex wife is a psycho-mom? No wonder she’s divorced, set boundaries and abide by them, people will push only as far as you allow them to, set firm boundaries and enforce them…..these are only suggestions, in no way I’m implying to impose my views on you; my experiences differ from yours in that I don’t have a blended family and that by itself presents a whole other lot of challenges on top of dealing with the EA…..my prayers are with you and we are all here to offer any support that you might need…
Thank you kittypone, and yes you are so right on. I’ve been living like I’m in limbo. What do I want? I don’t even know. I ideally want my husband back. But, what has been one of the hardest things for me to accept is that what I thought I had and what I actually have are 2 different things, the “ideal” vs “reality”. D-day was relationally shattering. We had troubles before that though. And then from there things happened at breakneck speed. My view- maybe I was still trying to wear the rose-colored glasses- was permanently altered. Dreams died, and are still dying.
What do I want? I don’t know. I try to envision my future, and it’s mostly with just me. I can’t even conjure up visions of the future with my h. Too foggy.
In counseling it seems that we are just “putting out fires”, tit for tat, trying to make sense out of chaos, it’s mostly about him and his “impairments”.
I want my h to work on his shit. I want him to see where he erred. That he’s gonna lose me. I tell him I don’t have much left to say. I’m not perfect by any stretch. I have to work on stuff, too. But, to me, there’s a difference between having your head screwed on straight and making mistakes, vs just blatant, selfish, inconsiderate, and/or unrepentant behavior.
There’s a difference between granting forgiveness and enabling. I can love unconditionally but I don’t have to live unconditionally. I’m guilty of enabling for far too long. Overlooking, or just not knowing how to deal with something. Trying to face things and then questioning my judgment.
So, yes, there was a point when his housing situation fell apart and he wanted to move back home. I said no, that we’ve worked nothing out between us. He was shocked.
I know one thing that I want. I want to feel good about taking care of myself, by myself. Right now it doesn’t feel good and I’m not doing a good job of it at all. Right now it all feels like grieving, and very lonely.
So healing by myself. And learning to accept, let alone enjoy, living by myself. I would love to reconcile my marriage but I just don’t know if that will happen with us.
And that’s ok! You’re not supposed to figure it out in just a couple of months!! Especially given the fact that it seems that last year thing were compounding one on top of the other without the previous one being resolved!! Don’t be so hard on yourself!! What you had happen to you this last year is life altering, and It takes time to recover from that trauma! Take one day at a time, but make sure that YOU are being taken care of every day! You need wholeness in your life and it seems as if you can’t rely on your h to help you in that department, so, tackle that on your own, but YOU come first right now, today! Make sure that you’re getting proper nutrition and plenty of rest, that you exercise some and that you are doing something you enjoy every day, so as to keep your mind occupied…. if your counselor can’t seem to advise for reconciliation, get another one who specializes in infidelity and what it takes to bring the relationship back on track of that is what your goal is! At least, you’ve found this site and most of us here have been through this horrible experience and have survived it (some of us more scarred than others), but high percentage of us are still in our marriages and many of us doing even better than before the affairs happened! Take heart! We’re here to cheer you on and be a shoulder to cry should you need one!! It’s not over until a certain lady sings!!
Kittypone and trying hard
You both make a lot of really good points. I have a lot to think about. There are a lot of variables. I do need to take care of myself. I will definitely ask our counselor if he has any training with infidelity. The first counselor didn’t address it at all, swept it under the rug. And now, with the new counselor, so far none of it has been addressed. And it has been about 16 months now since d-day. So I am concerned about the amount of time that has passed that we haven’t addressed it. I still bring it up occasionally, especially if we happen to see her. And I think that my h is sensitive about that. So that’s good I guess.
I don’t think that God wants me to stay miserable. The saying should actually be, God helps those who can’t help themselves, that is what the Bible actually teaches… so if my h is impaired in more than one way, I am praying for healing in this area, because he physiologically can’t help himself. In some ways he’s not helpless, that is not what I’m saying. He makes a lot of decisions of his own accord. Like the ea.
I am praying for a lot of things…
I am so thankful that I found this site. The articles and the commenters, you all have been so incredibly helpful. It has been like a lifeline.
Leaning– I don’t know what God’s message is to you but it sure sounds like you need to get out and that he is bringing you to all these horrible life events to do just that.
I guess I really don’t understand what it is that God has to do to convince someone to get out of horrible situations. I mean I know the whole biblical version i.e. catching bushes on fire and turning people to stone, which essentially is what happens to people when the live in such chaos right?
I like to believe God helps those who help themselves. That may even be in the bible. Look I don’t really believe God wants you to live miserably or in this utter chaos. It sounds to me like you’ve done everything possible to make this work and be a good wife and step mom. You can’t force him to stay. He doesn’t want to do MC and it sounds like your counselor isn’t seeing much hope either in the situation. Maybe it’s time to make alternate plans. And in doing so you will find the peace that God wants you to have too. Good Luck
Leaning–don’t get me wrong. I believe in prayer. We all get from our spiritual guidance something different. So I’m only talking from MY experience and MY POV.
I know I made a mistake in prayers by praying for HIM to change. God’s is not some magician that will point a figure and bam someone changes. In fact No, we pray so that God can work within us. Other people have to figure that stuff out for themselves.
I don’t understand how your counselor is not dealing with your husband having an affair? Every single piece of reading I’ve done says that after an affair you MUST deal with the discovery and betrayal before working on reconciliation and any perceived or real marital problems. If you’ve done any reading of older posts on this site you will see many have found out that not all Marriage counselors are created equally. Some are real charlatans. If this counselor isn’t dealing with what is bothering you, you get a say in that. You get to say “hey me over here. I’m hurting and and I want to talk about this!” The counselor cannot blow you off just because it makes everyone uncomfortable. In fact that is where you both should feel safe bringing up any subject.
Now it’s up to you to put your big girl panties and bring this up at your meeting with your h and counselor. Until you do that you are only going to dance around that 800 lb gorilla in the room. I hope I’ve helped.
My first marriage was a disaster. My spouse wanted all the benefits of being married to me, but, wanted to be a college kid, even in his 30’s.
He proposed, and we got married all the while he was having an affair.
On Christmas, months after we got married, he revealed the affair.
He wanted drama, I wouldn’t give it to him. I told him flat out, “Fine. You can leave. But, You are obligated to let me finish my teacher certification.” Of course, that didn’t happen. In fact, when I went to take my certification exam, he was at home packing up to leave. I gave him no drama.
When I served him with papers, he pitched a fit and said, “how can you do this?” Really.
Maybe, sometimes it may be worth it to reconcile. And, if both parties work actively to do so, that can be a great thing.
And sometimes it is an avenue for someone to continue a drama, a control mechanism.
I was having none of it.
I have had issues in subsequent relationships, but, they seemed more important and I was more invested.
It seems with the technology expansion the past 25 years and all, affairs are just a part of coupled life. It is sad.
But, really, if someone abandons you and the children you have, it is time to cut bait.
They are selfish and will be no role model for the kids.
Sometimes, we have to accept some situations will not get better.
My husband of 3 years left me when my baby was just a few months old with his a young ho worker. We were together for 12 years total and I’ve know him my whole life. The first year with a baby is hard and he felt I wasn’t listening to him the way she was. When I found out about the affair, I told him to leave for the night and he never came back even when I said let’s try to work on it. He is now getting his own apartment and pursuing his relationship with a 20 year old ho worker. This is so out of his character and he’s making it seem like he was so uNhappy with me and so happy with her after just a few months of being with her. Nobody knows who he is anymore and he’s so different. Is there any chance of reconciling while they are in the affair fog? Do I just sit here and wait? And be nice the whole time hoping he will realize what a gem I am compared to her. she sleeps with taken men left and right but he’s the only one dumb enough to let his whole family go. I’m so depressed and distraught, he doesn’t want to work on us but still calls me to “talk” normal to me daily. I don’t know how to move forward. I want to let go, but I just can’t seem to shake that he is deep in the affair fog and hoping he can come out.
Distraught – as if you’re telling my story! Mine left when your son was 18 months. Also been together for 12 years, married for 3. He also wants to talk “normal”. They’re all the same. Friends and family don’t recognize him anymore, he’s acting crazy. I really wonder how long the fog last .. did you end up reconsiling?