Discussion: Is Affair Love Unconditional?

Happy Wednesday!

Linda has been reading several books on love lately. Yesterday we had a rather lengthy discussion about my emotional affair and whether or not I felt it was really love–that is, unconditional love.

I would have to say that at the time I certainly thought it was love, but as the affair experience continued and developed into something that was less desirable, it became clear that it was not real, unconditional love. It was love based on a fantasy – an illusion as we like to say.

We thought that this might be a good topic for discussion…Do you feel that the love that is professed by those involved in affairs is real? Is it, or can it be unconditional? Has your spouse (or you, if in an affair) professed their love to the OP as being real, unconditional love, and do you really believe it?

Please feel free to explain your situation and also offer help to others!

Have a great day!

Doug & Linda

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9 Responses to Discussion: Is Affair Love Unconditional?

  1. ruth November 10, 2010 at 10:04 am #

    I believe my h was in real love but if it was an unconditional love he would not be with me now. We would be divorce and he would be married to her by now. The only thing that stop my husband from staying with her was that he knew he would lose his kids and his family and people would always judge him. God forbid anyone else thinks he was the bad guy. He had to much to lose to leave me.

    • Doug November 10, 2010 at 10:12 am #

      Ruth, As I’ve said before, I believe once the amount of pain or the fear of loss is greater than the amount of pleasure that the cheater is getting from the affair, the cheater will end the affair, or at least try to.

      • Doug November 10, 2010 at 10:58 am #

        I believe it all goes back to what we believe love is. Often times couples believe love is that wonderful, exciting feeling you get when you are first get to know each other and when that feeling goes away you feel that that love is gone. I believe that before the affair Doug and I had different perceptions of what real love was. Even though we neglected do all of the work needed to keep love alive, we had for the most part accomplished what I felt was real, mature love. I understood that our feelings would change and that change was a good thing. I didn’t expect to feel the way I did when we first met, I knew the next stage would be so much better because we really knew the real person and we were content with that. I believe that in order to completely move ahead from an affair both partners need to explore what they believe love is. What are their expectations for a loving relationship. They need to become knowledgeable about what it means to be in a mature relationship compared to one based on infatuation, and realistically look at the benefits of each relationship. Some people go through life only wanting to experience conditional love, therefore moving from one relationship to another, or constantly feeling unhappy in their current situation. Linda

  2. Donna November 10, 2010 at 5:44 pm #

    well I have become so confused as to where my husband is at. He says that he loves me, just not the way he should as a wife. He is IN LOVE with OW and she is more important to him at this stage. He says that is it unconditional love. They have broken things off as he realises that as a married man, what he is doing is wrong and if they are to be together they will do it in the right way.. both being divirced. However, in saying that, he does want to work his family out and try. We had a talk lastnight over the phone and he said he is so sorry he ruined us. I told him that we are not ruined, we have a long way to go, but we are not ruined. He said he is in a black pit at the moment, remember he is 4 weeks of NC with OW too. He said it is just not the NC that is hard, he said it is everything, everything he has done.He has hurt the one person who he is suppose to love and protect and he hasn’t done that. He has tried, but it has not worked. He has ruined his family by his actions, he is not at home with his wife and his children and he has failed int hat area. I told him I am just waiting for him to return home.. anyway.. very confusing

    • Doug November 11, 2010 at 6:47 pm #

      Donna, the fact that he broke things off for her is great. This is your opportunity to try and rebuild the intimacy in your relationship.

  3. Jane November 18, 2010 at 2:08 pm #

    I believed with all of my heart that I was in love with my affair partner, but now that I am 10 months out of my affair and spent so much time reflecting, I know that I was in love with the fantasy of it all. I was in love with the attention. I was in love with the validation. When I look at my affair partner through the harsh lense of reality, there is very little I love about his character.

  4. D November 18, 2010 at 3:47 pm #

    Good for you Jane. Now, does your face still light up when you see him? Do you still have tingles? Or is it passing more and more into a distant memory?

  5. Christina November 27, 2010 at 4:13 pm #

    Unconditional love is a false notion that I don’t think should be used as a yardstick to measure any kind of love whether its professed to a spouse or the OP. Real love is a much better term by far since unconditional love is a fantasy in and of itself.

    Most of us that have been betrayed by our spouses, have at some point felt like the EA happened because we were at fault somehow. Haven’t we all felt guilty that we may have somehow contributed to our spouse’s A? Doesn’t feelings of guilt or fault point to “conditions” to love? It’s time to get real and not put our marriages into fairy-tale category. I know this is a little off topic but the notion of unconditional love needs to be taken off the table for everyone….betrayed or not. Unconditional love is only real in books and movies; it is not real.

  6. konan December 2, 2010 at 9:22 am #

    my partner is very much saying she love sher other man and just wants to be with him and working late so she doesnt see me or the kids i feel she still loves me as she makes little comments that she knows i will get the other day when getting ready to see him she cradled my face and gently kissed me on the lips she then said she wanted me but i would get the wrong idea and that it would just be sex.I want her back and just wonder how long this illusion of love will last.Any help

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