The Financial Consequences of Infidelity

Financial Consequences of InfidelityWithout a doubt there are countless consequences of infidelity and I think we’ve touched on pretty much all of them at some time or another.  However, it appears we’ve never really addressed the subject of the financial consequences of infidelity.  That is, the hit to the old bank account as a result of an affair.  Not the cost of divorce by the way, but the cost of affair recovery.

I must admit that I did not come up with this topic myself. 

We recently received an email from “Ashley” who was asking if we had addressed the financial consequences of infidelity in the past, and she was kind enough to allow us to post her email. Thanks Ashley!

I must say that I was quite shocked by the amount of money that she and her husband are spending while attempting to save the marriage.

 

Here’s Ashley’s email:

I was wondering if you have written any posts exclusively focusing on the monetary costs of affair recovery. I’m not talking about divorce, but the costs of repairing the marriage.

My husband had an emotional affair about a year and a half ago. Since that time, we are trying to get whatever support we can to rebuild (because he wants to save the marriage and because my kids – now 19 months and 35 months – deserve to start off life with a family).

We’re in couples therapy once a week, he’s in individual therapy to get to the root of his actions 1-2 times a week and I’m in weekly individual therapy to deal with the trauma. Plus there’s a psychiatrist for medication to make getting through this manageable, and medication co-pays, and let’s not forget the $40/week to get a babysitter for 2 hours so that we can go to couples therapy.

The list goes on with completing therapy homework assignments, doing things as a couple, etc. but I’m not factoring these nonrecurring costs. That said, the therapy and mental health costs alone add up to over $15,000 a year!!! Nope, there was no misplaced comma or zeros. The cost is seriously 15k annually. And of course this is a lengthy process. When all is said and done if will easily cost $60,000 and likely more than that.

While we both have good jobs, we are by no means wealthy – we’re solidly middle class. We have two toddlers to support. Not to mention a mortgage, car payments, credit cards, student loans and all the other expenses that come in the early years of starting a family.

We barely had enough left after our expenses before, and we certainly don’t end up with the $1250/month needed to cover our marital and mental health! We’re living in the red, having to charge our groceries. Some months we have to choose what bills we will pay and what we’ll need to put off for a month.

Our debt got so bad that we had to cash out a fair portion of our 401k to pay off credit cards and put the next year of therapy bills aside to minimize future debt.

We’re keeping our fingers crossed that one or two raises, a promotion or two at work and saved tax returns may mean that we’ll be able to meet these costs next year, but of course that’s not a guarantee and likely a long shot.

By cashing out 401k funds, we jeopardize everyone’s future. It’s not just that we may need to live check by check on social security – should that even exist when we retire and should we remain together. We lose our safety net for emergencies. We don’t have this cushion to use to pay for college for our boys. Our family may potentially feel these financial ripples for the rest of our lives.

Should we both work really hard (at work) to move forward in our careers to try to put this money back, it will take a loooooong time and a lot of sacrifice. Every tax return, every bonus, every extra paycheck, every increase that comes from a raise will go to this. All the extra money we had once earmarked to provide something extra for our boys, to improve our home, to take future vacations, all of it GONE because of my husband’s actions.

We’re two intelligent parents working in fairly steady fields and we should be able to improve our quality of life with time. Or we should at least have the dream of it. That’s gone at least for a long time.

Our kids won’t have the memory of a really great family vacation as they grow up. They will likely not go to Disney World during their childhood. These things aren’t trivial to a child who will watch their friends enjoy these luxuries. We were once in a position to provide these things, but those selfish acts took that away.

 

Ashley’s email is shocking but it certainly is evidence of the costly nature of infidelity

What are some other potential monetary costs that can stem from an affair?  I’ll rattle off a few that come to my head, but feel free to add others to the list if you are so inclined.

  • Money spent carrying out the affair – lunches, gifts, hotel rooms, etc.
  • Health costs – Doctor visits, medications, treatments, etc.
  • Opportunity costs – loss of income due to decrease in productivity at work or even getting fired due to the affair.
  • Detection costs – money paid for private investigators, monitoring software, spy gadgets, etc.
  • Education costs –  purchases of books, programs, memberships, coaching, etc.

What are the financial consequences of infidelity in your case?  Please share by commenting below.

 

 

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40 Responses to The Financial Consequences of Infidelity

  1. chiffchaff March 18, 2013 at 6:47 am #

    Goodness, that’s an astonishing amount of money.
    For us we had 6 (wasted) weeks of couples therapy at £50/session.
    My H had 10 weeks of individual therapy at £60/session.
    My H also destroyed his back in relation to his affair and this is still costing him £90/month for private physio although he is getting some NHS treatment now.
    My H also had to replace about £300 of shirts that I destroyed.

    He paid for her hotel and food when she came over the visit him and sent her numerous gifts (I’m sure I know only 10% of what he actually spent on her because he’s ashamed of it).

    So, yes, it was very expensive but thankfully my H has paid for nearly all of that himself and not asked me for money. We split the couples cousnelling at the time although he has paid it paid to me as he was lying to everyone still at that point so it was throwing money down the toilet.

    The only saving grace was discovering that the OW was sacked as a result of having an affair with a client. there is small justice out there.

  2. Recovering March 18, 2013 at 9:56 am #

    Well, the financial burden is great, and not in a good way… Therapy, both individual and together… THAT was a waste, at least for us, date nights, weekends away to hash stuff out, him buying me expensive gifts to try to make up for things, finally a honeymoon that was too much that he planned, upgrades to the house which felt like he was trying to give me reasons to stay other than him… Alcohol… LOTS of alcohol… and an increase in my meds… New bedding… not because they were ever in my bed together, but because he would come home with her still on him and get in bed with me… grosses me out!! A new car to try to make up for him buying his testosterone mobile totally against my wishes (I do the bills PLUS it was the first time I had said no to anything he had ever wanted – I even stamped my foot like a child and he still bought it), and just basically trying to make everything in our life new. It is exhausting. I can’t keep up… we have more debt than ever, and I keep trying to handle it on my own, but like the effects of his cheating, I’m not doing a good job. I am so afraid to tell him exactly how in debt we are because I don’t want him to leave, but I HATE hiding it! Makes me a liar, and I hate that! I just keep saying that we need to stop spending so much money… and it works for a week or so until someone wants something… Am ready to move into a cardboard box just so I don’t feel the pressure!!!!! Oh, and then there was the $500 medical bill that I soooooo wanted to send the OW for all of the STD tests that I had done – despite him saying they ALWAYS used a condom… so I am supposed to believe THAT after all the other lies? Just KISSING her he could’ve given me all sorts of things – the least of which would’ve been herpes! That would’ve been a life-long expense… not that this isn’t already a life-long sentence… And then there is the promotion that my husband was just about to get before the slut came back to the company after having left for another compay for 10 months. We were looking forward to that increase in his monthly pay, plus bonuses, but instead the whore came back and he left, which actually CUT our monthly income… Why do people never think of these things? How can they be ‘with’ their OP for so long and never think about these things? In my state, him cheating doesn’t even benefit me in a divorce because they don’t recognize adultery as a reason for divorce. Heck, I think it should be illegal to cheat here like it is in some other states – where you can actually go to jail for cheating!!!!!! Cheating is one of the most hateful things you can do, even if it IS all about the cheater! What about the innocent party that was harmed (me and my kids)? The whore never had to pay – even her initial job switch was one she was already planning on before I found out about them… and then the stupid B came back to the company for a promotion!!! She hasn’t paid… my husband has… not as much as I would like, but I have paid more than anyone… and continue to do so! I lost everything…. everything.

    • exercisegrace March 18, 2013 at 6:03 pm #

      my husband also maintained that he always used a condom. Should have seen his face when I asked what they used if he had oral sex with her. yeah. that’s what I thought.

      • Mandy March 18, 2013 at 9:23 pm #

        My husband had unprotected sex with her because birth control was not an issue and it never occurred to him she could be a source of infection. When I asked him if there was any way he could know how many other men she had slept with, he admitted that there wasn’t. (But he probably still believes he was the only one. He just can’t allow himself to see her as the whore she is.) When I asked him if he knew how many other women her husband had slept with, of course he had to admit he didn’t. He finally agreed to get tested for STDs, but only to placate me, not because he gave up the illusion that she was “safe”.

        • chiffchaff March 19, 2013 at 7:49 am #

          My H did the same Mandy – he only got tested to placate me and there was a strong assertion that it was a complete waste of time as the OW was clean as whistle and so definitely not sleeping with anyone else. Hmmm.

          • Recovering March 19, 2013 at 9:32 am #

            My husband didn’t even get tested. He said he always used a condom so didn’t need to, and then all of my tests came back negative, so he said, at that time “see, now do you believe me”, to which I gave him a nasty look. Do I believe him…. Idunno. I really honestly don’t know, but at least now I know that I am physically healthy from STDs. He said that he was never worried about getting the OW pregnant because it had to use medical means to get pregnant with it’s children, but he “knew” she didn’t have anything. RIGHT! Then why insist on a condom? I pointed out to him that HE didn’t really know that she wasn’t messing around with someone else OTHER THAN HER HUSBAND, and that he didn’t know if HER HUSBAND was messing around on her. I said, “it never occured to you in almost 2 years that SHE was cheating on YOU with her husband? Like HE would be okay with THEM not having sex for 2 years?” He looked at me with the dumbest look ever, like he had never even considered that she was still screwing her husband! Why not, WE were still doing it regularly!! He said he never thought about it like that… guess he thought that she was just with her husband to appease him and that it was torture for her each time, but bliss with him! Yeah right! In the back of a car, and she never even had the big O! Of course I asked him about that… he said he didn’t even really care because he was getting his! LOL! I DO believe that!! Sick pig! How can I still love this man? I guess because I am soooo trying to believe that that ISNT HIM, that it was some messed up mental break from reality… God I hope I’m not just giving him a pass there just to give myself a mental break from reality!!!

            • Exercise grace March 19, 2013 at 3:41 pm #

              I made mine go. Some things can be passed even with a condom. HPV is wildly prevalent and is skin contact, no major symptoms but can cause real issues. My ob/gyn will retest me later as it is a virus thatcan go dormant.

  3. exercisegrace March 18, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

    Money spent carrying out the affair: they ran a business together, he did the vast majority of the work but she got half the profit. To the tune of six figures. Several business trips, nice meals out, etc. Hundreds to thousands spent.

    Health costs: during the affair, he was very depressed. He went weekly for massages and accupuncture, so about a grand a month there. Then he became convinced his terrible physical symptoms were due to some undiagnosed disease (instead of lying, cheating, betraying his family and his own morals) and thousands more were spent pursing tests, etc that turned up nothing. It also took a toll on my health. I developed ulcers, and also ended up having two surgeries for conditions that were greatly exacerbated by the stress of the affair. Over ten thousand dollars. The stress the kids were under probably played a role to some extent in their illnesses, asthma, etc. Untold amount with six kids!!

    Opportunity costs: Untold. He runs two businesses and the stress of conducting and hiding the affair, his inability to function fully, his guilt, etc. who knows what opportunities were lost when he was not on his A game.

    Detection Costs: well the other woman turned psycho, we had to hire an attorney to extricate ourselves from the business and protect us from personal attack, although cyber-bullying continues to this day. Again, thousands of dollars spent.

    Education costs: again, thousands. No joke. We each go to individual therapy once a week, and couples’ counseling about every other week. I have bought and read pretty much every book you could name on the subject, so hundreds spent in reading materials alone.

    STUPID TAX: I get my hair done at a nice salon and I get the works. I wear make up, and lipstick every day now, not just for special occasions. I tan in the spring to look good, have bought lots of new clothes, expensive handbags and what’s a girl to do without SHOES? New pajamas (matching of course) no sleeping in sweats and tees for THIS girl!! In short, I am finally taking care of ME. Making sure I look and feel good. Treating myself to looking nice is now a priority.
    I shudder to tally THAT amount up. Again, thousands.

    • exercisegrace March 18, 2013 at 6:02 pm #

      OMG yes, I forgot that the STD testing I had to have done was at the beginning of the year, so not covered by the deductible. TWO THOUSAND dollars. Then he had to go and get his done.

    • forcryin'outloud March 18, 2013 at 7:47 pm #

      Love the stupid tax!!!

    • Mandy March 18, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

      Oh, yeh, I forgot all the money I spent on self-help books. And the new clothes I bought and will continue to buy to cheer myself up. And the extra-expensive jewelry he bought for me out of guilt.

  4. gizfield March 18, 2013 at 6:55 pm #

    Don’t forget home repairs. ! Everywhere I look in my house I see evidence of my hostility. dents in the back storm door where I kicked it, broken tile in the bathroom where I slammed the door repeatedly, new lock for the front door where I slammed the back door and bent my key. Replacementcosts for crap I just flat out broke. I also know he sent this tramp a “trinket” for her birthday, six months after he swore he was done with her ass. Six months of therapy for me. I consider myself lucky to not have legal charges against me, lol. The most costly thing is just time wasted with a worthless shanky broad for him, and for me thinking about him with a worthless shanky broad.

  5. Strengthrequired March 18, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

    Here are a few effects of my h ea
    Holiday travel exp for him and the ow, jewelry, rental fees, furniture he gave her of ours, lunches, dinners, hotel rooms, what ever else he hasn’t told me he bought her or money he gave her.
    Petrol expenses taking her out. Loss of business income due to him not being able to concentrate on work, days he would just sit at work and couldn’t do a thing, not good when it’s your business and the only income coming into the family.
    Medical expenses, drs appointments, medication, surgery from an injury to him caused by his frustration while in the middle of his ea, employing new employees.
    The cost of our children’s emotional wellbeing, from stress, acting out, because they want their daddy, and he was elsewhere, still paying for tha one. Our emotional wellbeing, paying for that on a daily basis.
    We too, trying to scrap up whatever we can to pay the bills, food etc, picking and choosing whic bill to pay, while trying tom rebuild our life and our financial position.
    At times my h, wanted to just give u and lose everything.
    It’s a long slow process but slowly things are improving, but it is a costly aftermath trying to rebuild what should never have happened in the first place due to his ea.
    Ohh and selling our home to help pay off some credit caress etc, and we downsized into our investment property. All the while she sits back watching and most likely laughing at the turmoil she helped cause to our lives.

    • Strengthrequired March 18, 2013 at 7:02 pm #

      Ohhh and also telephone bill expenses…..

    • Mandy March 18, 2013 at 9:30 pm #

      He claims he never bought her any gifts, and that might be true, since she was married and would have had to hide things from her husband. But he did spend money on transportation, hotel rooms, drinks, nice dinners.

  6. Strengthrequired March 18, 2013 at 7:12 pm #

    Eg, 6 kids here too, the emotional stress and trauma they have been through as well as both my h and myself, has taken such a toll on our family. My 4 yr old always tells me how she wants t sing daddy a song so that he comes home every night to us.

    My h never got to see the tantrums, the crying, the heart ache my children were going through, because he was so focused on the ow. He used to think I was making it up, yet he has started to see the true effect of his ea has had on our children. Children see things, they hear things, they Feel it as well, no matter how hard you try to keep things from them.

  7. Mandy March 18, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

    When I told my husband how angry I was about the financial loss caused by the affair, he at first tried to claim it wasn’t very much and that it didn’t really impact me financially. Hah! True, the direct financial cost of the affair itself was not terribly high. She was, quite simply, a very cheap date. But we have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on marriage counseling (yes, it is helping, but it is taking a long time). That is money that is not earning interest in our savings account. It is money that is not available for recreational activities, for household repairs, for clothing or other personal items. What made him face the fact that he has caused us financial harm was when I pointed out that because of the affair we now cannot afford to take a vacation this year. He finally admitted that his affair has diminished the quality of our lives, not only emotionally, but in a measurable, material way.

    • Strengthrequired March 18, 2013 at 8:52 pm #

      If some of you women who are stay at home mums, raising yur kids, did your h ever think that what he was working for and the money he was making was just his, and he could do what he felt like with it? I just winder if they think the h justifies that as being his money only and that’s why it doesn’t affect our families?

      Just wondering that’s all…..

      • Mandy March 18, 2013 at 9:33 pm #

        My husband acknowledges that the money was not just his, but that anything either of us earns belongs to both of us. (We live in a community property state, so that’s the legal situation as well.) He acknowledges that it wasn’t right to spend money outside the marriage. Nevertheless, I imagine that on some level he did feel that, at least to some extent, he could do what he wanted since he is the primary breadwinner. But he wisely does not say so.

  8. forcryin'outloud March 18, 2013 at 7:42 pm #

    Including mental and physical health care, medication, self help literature, the actual affair going ons – trip, dinner, etc., expensive guilt gifts post affair, lost wages, and untold family anguish… I’d say we are well over 50k. All for a scummy GF from high school…so mature of him. It makes the suggested therapy and counseling pre affair look like dollar store items. You play you pay!

  9. forcryin'outloud March 18, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

    Oh, like gizfield said, home repair, too. And gas, lots of gas from driving around for hours so I wouldn’t do something stupid…trying to screw my head back on straight.

  10. Ashley March 18, 2013 at 8:07 pm #

    Doug, thanks again for posting this. I hadn’t even thought about some of the big ticket isolated expenses some other readers mentioned. I’ve incurred many of the same in the early months after finding out about the affair. It’s both comforting and sad (more sad) that these reactions are so common. I also destroyed some of his shirts and two suits in attempt to rid myself or “undo” the affair. I’ve also engaged in some of the compulsive spending in attempt to restore my self-esteem and used the money he spent during the affair to justify my spending. While this didn’t create a large amount of debt, it certainly detracted from our monthly “recovery” bills. I wonder how many other wronged spouses, especially wives, do some of this as a means of restoring their self-esteem and perceived sense of desirability. Haircuts, lingerie, new clothes, gym expenses, etc. all in the name of trying to make ourselves feel better or a misguided way to “win back” our spouses or a safeguard to not feel that vulnerable again or any number of other reasons. It does add up to thousands even before you start working together on repairing the marriage.

    • chiffchaff March 19, 2013 at 8:24 am #

      Ashley – I’d also forgotten about the other costs such as new clothes, haircuts, gym memebrship, running club costs etc. I think because I see them as costs I should have been spending on me anyway. I don’t want to think that the only reason I’m toned up and physically healthy is because my H told some slapper he barely knew that he loved her and didn’t love me.

    • Exercise grace March 19, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

      Ashley, I don’t see it as a “misguided” attempt at anything. I see it as finally giving myself the new clothes or whatever I have always deserved, should have purchased, but didn’t, so the money could be used for my family. For things they wanted. When that want list included throwing an over inflated salary to his whore, fancy dinners and ocean front rooms on business trips, well I think I can afford to treat myself to a few things. Because the money IS there. Personally, I ran up no debt whatsoever. Do I feel good wearing more stylish clothes and shoes and a matching bag here and there? Of course! Does my tan make me feel good? Yes. But None of that is aimed at winning him back or safeguarding anything other than the fact that I have put myself LAST place for far, far too long.

      • Ashley March 19, 2013 at 4:27 pm #

        Exercise grace, sorry, I in no way meant to offend or meant misguided specific to anyone’s post. I actually meant it in relation to some of the previous educational or expert posts on this blog regardinghow it’s not uncommon to think we can try to stop an affair and/or compete in our heads with the fictitous OP – misguided specifically to the initial rage, confusion and attempt to have some control of the situaion (and the compounded effect during the times we thought the affair was over but learned otherwise) . But, no, I do not think that self-care or prioritizing is at all misguided and believe that it is absolutely necessary. Also, I firmly believe that hair care is never, ever a stupid tax 🙂

        • exercisegrace March 20, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

          No offense taken at all! Sorry if I sounded abrupt in my response. If there is one thing this mess has taught me, it’s that “I” cannot stop or prevent anything. For me it has been hard to not beat myself up. I “know” I was a good wife, I did my best. He made some stupid choices out of HIS vulnerability. But still I criticize myself. I am at a place where it has to stop. I learning to put myself first (or at least second, ha ha ha) sometimes. I am done pouring myself out to the point of nothing left. I love all the support here, all the ideas tossed around. It has all been more helpful than I could ever adequately express. Blessings!!

  11. Strengthrequired March 18, 2013 at 8:36 pm #

    What about all the interest on the credit card bills, an the fees for trying to refinance, just to make life easier.

  12. Exercise grace March 18, 2013 at 9:58 pm #

    Almost forgot! The day I found out, I donated every stitch of clothing he owned right down to socks, underwear and winter coat. I told him I didn’t want anything around that either had been touched, removed from his body, or was lying on the floor while they had sex.

  13. Strengthrequired March 18, 2013 at 10:54 pm #

    I’ve just realized how profitable it is to be the ow. You just have to be there when wanted, look and smell good, say yes all the time give out continuous compliments, down play the wife, to give the h a guilt free time, act like your a damsel in distress o the om feels sorry for you. Laugh at stupid jokes and comments, act like your interested, just tell the h wha he wants to hear, tell him you love him and no mean it, just keep stroking his ego, act like your really interesting and exciting, by listening to what he hates about his wife, and be very thing the honorable wife isn’t, just suck up to his every whim, and your made. The ow gets gifts, holidays, money, romantic dinners, romantic walks, his time, his secrets, his soul, his body, his full attention, and what he believes is his love.
    Almost sounds like a woman of the night, she just doesn’t come straight out with it, she manipulates into getting it all given to her. However, she uses her mind and her body….. Not just her body….
    All she has to do and pretend that she is something , that she is not and she gets the world, from the right victim.

  14. Strengthrequired March 18, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

    Ohh at he same time she is taking what she can get, she takes the h dignity, his morals and what it means to him about being an honorable amd respected husband, father, man, his self worth, his loss of identity (who he really is). He loses his way, he loses pieces of himself, his mind and his direction in life. He loses focus, his beliefs.
    She takes from the wife, the wife loses her sense of security, her integrity, her life as she knew it, her trust, her mind, her beliefs, she wonders what she did wrong, she loses her image of herself and of her h. she loses time with her h that can’t be replaced, the bad memories remain just fade with time.
    The children, lose what they believed in, they feel insecure, the have the fear of losing their family, they lose their fathers time, they wonder what they did.

    • exercisegrace March 20, 2013 at 6:19 pm #

      I agree with everything you wrote. But look at it this way. What does she end up with? She ends up alone. She ends up knowing that her footnote in history will be “I was someone’s worst mistake”. Most of us are working to repair our marriages and we have our families and children and our relationship (however bruised and battered) intact. She is likely alone, or worse…stuck in a bad marriage that has suddenly become even worse. She knows we are the ones ultimately chosen, and she knows she was the one ultimately discarded. This is what I keep telling myself. I would much rather be the betrayed wife than the other woman!

  15. Strengthrequired March 19, 2013 at 5:35 pm #

    Recovering, my h claims he ever slept with the ow, stupid I know bu I actually believe him. He knew she wanted a baby, there would ave been no way he would have risked getting her utd, not when he has 6 already, then he would have looked at her 3 then 1.
    He also told me that while he is married to me he would never have slept with her. In which case he never wanted a divorce, I believe him there. However it wasn’t that she never tried, she did.
    Yet he still didn’t believe that she would be sleeping with her h, or anyone else for that matter. I even told him the other day, ” if you think this woman hasn’t slept with another man or her h, then you would be deluding yourself. We are having a wonderful sex life, do you really believe she hasn’t done anything with anyone for over a year, I don’t think so, especially if what you say is true and you haven’t, she would have been sexually frustrated as hell. So who do you think she would be getting it from if not you? The only person she wouldn’t feel guilty about having it with her h”. Her h by the way, he can’t stand… Lol. That’s another reason for not sleeping with her, the images of her h inside her, I loved reminding him of that too, and saying to him, ohhhh if you really want her in your life, then you have to take on her kids and the lovely h, expect constant drama in your life. Hehehe.
    He looked at me, and agreed. I’m sure he pondered over it. Boy do I love putting these images in his head every now and then, especially as he gets more and more out of the fog.

  16. rachel March 19, 2013 at 8:38 pm #

    Thank god none of you have to deal with the price of a divorce. The affair was peanuts. This divorce has already cost me 9,000.00!!!!

  17. SamIam March 20, 2013 at 8:12 am #

    Diamond ring $$$$ I love it and I earned it 🙂

  18. Jessica March 22, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

    Amazingly enough, most of our expense has been emotional. My husband’s EA went on for about 4 years with a married co-worker. He never bought her anything, he asked her out to dinner and on dates all the time, but she would never show up, guess she liked his attention but knew taking it further would be too out of line. My husband refuses to let me spend money on recovery, no books, no memberships, no therapy. He feels like we can manage on our own. D-day wa 4th of July and complete contact being cut off was finally last Wednesday.

    • Exercise grace March 24, 2013 at 12:33 pm #

      That would not be acceptable to me. You have the right to access tools to help you heal. You have the right (and should have the expectation) that he is willing to utilize some of the same tools to figure out why he did what he did, and how he will set better boundaries in the future to prevent that from happening again. Infidelity doesn’t magically go away on its own, and marriages rarely spontaneously heal. There is a great group here, with true hearts for helping others.

  19. Pippi March 26, 2013 at 8:06 am #

    In addition to all of the therapy and medication costs, my husband lost his job due to the affair. He took a job that pays significantly less. But, the money is nothing compared to the loss suffered in our marriage, my self-esteem and the devastation caused to our kids and family. There is no cost that can be put on that.

  20. Strengthrequired March 28, 2013 at 4:58 am #

    We just sold our family home, my h and I built together to pay off the built up debts, that wouldn’t have been near as bad if my h hadn’t had the $70k less than what it’s worth because my h is drowning in debt now.
    I didn’t think I would feel so sad as what I do right now, it more real now, the loss. I’m angry, because that damn ow lost nothing, she gained out of the ea.
    I want to see the positives in this , like a fresh new start for my h and I, like I did when we put it up for sale, just bait hard ATM though.

  21. Ellen February 10, 2017 at 4:28 pm #

    Costs: Car and boating accidents, three therapists. One year of addiction counselling, $10000 in lost jewelery, $10000 when a sound board was thrown over a balcony. Cost of gas to get to the therapy. Cost of taking the ow out to a Christmas dinner and a large sailboat rental, trip to the ER for stress induced Bells Palsy, several trips to a dermatologist and an opthomologist for stress induced Shingles, H’ s heart attack and then stents, then bypass surgery where the sternum became infected leading to three surgeries total and two ambulance rides. All caused by the stress.

    • Ellen February 10, 2017 at 4:29 pm #

      Oh and I forgot. Weekly bottles of wine for 6 1/2 months shared with the OW.

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