Can a marriage survive without trust after it has been rocked by infidelity?

Can a Marriage Survive Without Trust

By “Alisa”

When trust is broken in a marriage, the consequences can be devastating. Whether it’s infidelity or a betrayal of another kind, the breach of trust can leave both spouses feeling hurt, angry, and disillusioned. The question that arises is:  Can a marriage survive without trust?

In this article, I’ll explore the impact of betrayal on trust, the steps needed to rebuild it, and the role of therapy in restoring trust.

Understanding the Impact of Betrayal on Trust

Betrayal is a profound violation of trust and can cause a great deal of emotional upheaval. It challenges the fundamental foundation of a marriage and makes it difficult to establish a sense of safety and security in the relationship. The depth of the betrayal and the level of trust that was broken will impact the severity of the emotional fallout.

When trust is broken, it can be difficult to know where to turn. The betrayed spouse may feel isolated and alone, unsure of who they can confide in. It’s important for both spouses to seek support during this time, whether it be through counseling, support groups, or trusted friends and family members.

Let’s explore some key points about the impact of betrayal on trust:

1. Emotional Wounds: Infidelity creates deep emotional wounds that can be challenging to heal. The betrayed partner may experience intense emotions such as anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness, and a loss of self-esteem (more on these later). These emotions can linger for a significant period of time and may resurface even after the initial shock subsides.

2. Doubt and Suspicion: Betrayal often leads to a heightened sense of doubt and suspicion in the betrayed partner. They may find it difficult to trust their own judgment or discern if their partner is being truthful in other aspects of the relationship. This can create a constant state of hyper-vigilance, always questioning the motives and actions of the unfaithful partner.

3. Erosion of Intimacy: Infidelity can cause a significant erosion of intimacy between partners. The betrayed individual may struggle to be vulnerable again, fearing the risk of being hurt once more. Intimacy requires a deep level of trust, and when that trust is broken, it can be challenging to rebuild.

4. Loss of Security and Safety: Trust provides a sense of security and safety in a relationship. After infidelity, the betrayed partner may feel a loss of this security, leading to feelings of anxiety and insecurity. They may question the stability of the relationship and their own worthiness of love and commitment.

5. Impact on Communication: Open and honest communication is vital in rebuilding trust. However, after betrayal, communication can become strained. The betrayed partner may struggle to express their emotions, fearing judgment or rejection, while the unfaithful partner may find it challenging to effectively communicate their remorse or explain their motivations without triggering further pain.

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The Emotional Toll of Betrayal

I mentioned the emotional wounds that betrayal can cause, but I wanted to go a bit deeper on this subject.  As I said, it is common for both spouses to feel a range of emotions after trust has been broken. Let’s take a quick look at some of the more common feelings that each partner might experience:

The Betrayed Spouse

  1. Shock and disbelief: Initially, the betrayed spouse may struggle to accept that their partner has been unfaithful, leaving them feeling stunned and disoriented.

  2. Hurt and sadness: The pain of betrayal can be intense, leading to deep feelings of sorrow and heartache.

  3. Anger and resentment: The betrayed spouse may feel angry at their partner for breaking their trust, as well as resentful for the emotional turmoil caused by the infidelity.

  4. Fear and insecurity: Betrayal can create feelings of insecurity and fear about the future of the relationship, as well as concerns about one’s own self-worth and attractiveness.

  5. Confusion and ambivalence: The betrayed spouse may experience conflicting emotions, such as love and anger towards their partner, making it difficult to determine how to proceed in the relationship.

  6. Disappointment and disillusionment: The realization that their partner has been unfaithful can shatter the betrayed spouse’s idealized image of their relationship, leading to feelings of disappointment and disillusionment.

  7. Guilt and self-blame: In many cases, the betrayed spouse internalizes the betrayal, believing that they are somehow responsible for their partner’s actions or that they could have prevented the infidelity.

  8. Anxiety and depression: The emotional toll of betrayal can lead to increased anxiety and depressive symptoms, affecting the betrayed spouse’s overall mental health and well-being, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)..

  9. Loss of trust: The betrayal can erode the foundation of trust in the relationship, making it difficult for the betrayed spouse to trust their partner or even themselves in future relationships.

  10. Isolation and loneliness: The betrayed spouse may feel isolated from friends and family, either due to shame or because they don’t want to burden others with their pain, resulting in feelings of loneliness.

See also  New Car and New Beginnings

The Unfaithful Person

The emotional toll of betrayal is not only felt by the betrayed spouse but also by the unfaithful partner. Some feelings an unfaithful spouse might experience as a result of their actions include:

  1. Guilt and remorse: The unfaithful spouse may feel intense guilt and remorse for their actions, knowing that they have hurt their partner and damaged the trust in their relationship.

  2. Fear and anxiety: They might be fearful of the consequences of their actions, including the potential loss of their relationship, damage to their reputation, or the impact on their family and social circles.

  3. Shame and embarrassment: The unfaithful spouse may feel ashamed and embarrassed about their behavior, leading them to withdraw from their partner or avoid discussing the issue.

  4. Confusion and ambivalence: They may experience conflicting emotions, such as love for their partner and excitement or attraction towards the person with whom they were unfaithful. This confusion can make it difficult for them to understand their motivations and navigate their feelings.

  5. Self-doubt and insecurity: The unfaithful spouse might question their own self-worth, wondering why they engaged in infidelity and whether they are deserving of their partner’s love and trust.

  6. Regret and sadness: They may feel deep regret and sadness for the pain they have caused their partner and the damage done to their relationship.

  7. Defensiveness and denial: In many cases, the unfaithful spouse may become defensive or even deny their actions in an attempt to protect themselves from the emotional fallout or avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

  8. Loneliness and isolation: The unfaithful spouse may feel isolated from their partner, friends, and family due to the shame and guilt they are experiencing, leading to feelings of loneliness.

  9. Desire to make amends: They might genuinely want to make amends, repair the relationship, and rebuild trust, but they may struggle with how to go about doing so or worry that their efforts will be rejected.

  10. Overwhelmed by emotions: The unfaithful spouse may feel overwhelmed by the range of emotions they are experiencing, making it difficult for them to process their feelings and take appropriate steps towards healing and reconciliation.

Understanding the emotional toll of betrayal on both the betrayed and unfaithful spouses can provide insight into the complex dynamics at play in the aftermath of infidelity. This understanding can help facilitate healing, open communication, and the rebuilding of trust in the relationship.

Discussion – The Impact of an Affair

Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal

Rebuilding trust after a betrayal is a challenging process that requires a lot of effort and commitment from both spouses. It’s important to understand that it won’t happen overnight and may take several months or even years to fully rebuild. The following are some of the steps that can help rebuild trust:

The Importance of Open Communication

Open and honest communication is crucial for rebuilding trust. Both spouses need to be willing to share their feelings, thoughts, and concerns openly and honestly. This includes being transparent about their actions and being willing to listen to their partner’s perspective.

It’s important to note that open communication doesn’t mean that every detail of every action needs to be shared. Instead, it means being willing to discuss the difficult topics and being open to hearing and understanding each other’s perspectives. This can help to rebuild the emotional connection between the two partners and create a foundation for trust to be rebuilt.

Establishing Boundaries and Expectations

Boundaries and expectations need to be established to rebuild trust. This includes setting boundaries around communication, social activities, and personal space. Both partners need to agree on what they expect from each other and how they will go about rebuilding the trust that was lost.

See also  How to Save Your Marriage

It’s important to note that boundaries and expectations can change over time as trust is rebuilt. As the emotional connection between the two partners grows stronger, they may feel more comfortable with certain activities or situations that were previously off-limits. This can be a positive sign of progress in the rebuilding process.

The Role of Forgiveness in Healing

Forgiveness is an essential part of the healing process. It allows both partners to let go of the hurt and move forward with the rebuilding process. Forgiveness should not be confused with forgetting, but rather accepting that the breach of trust has occurred and choosing to move forward.

It’s important to note that forgiveness is not a one-time event, but rather a process that may take time. It’s also important to note that forgiveness does not mean that the hurt partner is required to trust their partner immediately. 

Overall, rebuilding trust after a betrayal is a challenging process, but it is possible. Open communication, establishing boundaries and expectations, and forgiveness are all important steps in the healing process. With time, effort, and commitment from both partners, trust can be rebuilt and a stronger, more resilient relationship can be formed.

The Role of Therapy in Restoring Trust

Trust allows partners to feel safe, secure, and valued. However, one can easily break trust, and once broken, restoring it can be difficult. Whatever the cause, the road to rebuilding trust can be a long and challenging one. Fortunately, therapy can play an essential role in restoring trust after a breach has occurred.

Individual Therapy for Personal Growth

Individual therapy offers a great way for the cheater to tackle issues linked to the betrayal. It offers a safe, non-judgmental space to dig into and resolve deep-seated problems that fueled bad choices or actions. For instance, in cases where addiction or poor impulse control played a role, therapy helps in developing coping strategies. Also, for those dealing with mental health concerns like depression or anxiety, it provides support to tackle these issues and craft a treatment plan.

Couples Therapy to Address Relationship Issues

Couples therapy is an effective way for both partners to work through the emotional fallout of the breach of trust.   The therapist can provide support, guidance, and tools to help the couple work through their issues and build a stronger relationship. During therapy, couples can learn to communicate more effectively, develop empathy and understanding for each other’s perspectives.  Plus they can identify and address any underlying issues that may have contributed to the breach of trust. Additionally, couples therapy can provide a safe space for partners work through any lingering resentment or anger.

The Benefits of Support Groups and Community

Support groups and community resources can provide a great deal of support during the healing process. They can help couples connect with others who have gone through similar experiences and offer a safe space for them to share their feelings and emotions. Support groups and community resources can also provide information about the healing process and coping mechanisms. Additionally, they can offer a sense of community and belonging.  This can be particularly helpful for individuals who may feel isolated or alone in their struggle to restore trust.

In conclusion, therapy can play a critical role in restoring trust after a breach has occurred. Therapy offers various paths to healing. Individual therapy addresses personal issues. Couples therapy focuses on relationship challenges. Support groups and community resources also help. Together, they provide tools, support, and guidance. This aids in rebuilding trust and fostering a stronger, healthier relationship.

Signs of Progress in Rebuilding Trust

As I’ve stated repeatedly, rebuilding trust is a long and challenging process.  But I feel it’s important to recognize the signs of progress. The following indicators show that trust is being rebuilt:

Increased Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is a key component of a healthy marriage and rebuilding trust can help to restore this connection. When both partners feel safe and secure in the relationship, they are more likely to open up emotionally.  The result is they can better build a deep connection.

One way to increase emotional intimacy is to spend quality time together. This can involve going on dates, taking walks, or simply sitting down and talking about your day. It’s important to make time for each other and prioritize your relationship.

See also  Affair Recovery and the 7 Stages of Grief After an Affair

Another way to build emotional intimacy is to practice active listening. This means really listening to your partner when they speak, without interrupting or judging them. It’s important to show empathy and understanding, even if you don’t agree with everything they say.

Improved Communication Skills

Both partners will need to work on their communication skills to rebuild trust successfully. When communication improves, couples tend to collaborate more on resolving issues. They share feelings openly. Together, they work towards a healthier relationship.

One way to improve communication is to practice “I” statements. This means expressing your feelings using “I” instead of “you”. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me”, you could say “I feel unheard when I try to talk to you”. This can help to avoid blame and defensiveness, and encourage constructive dialogue.

Another way to improve communication is to set aside time to talk about important issues. This can involve scheduling regular check-ins. Or, simply make time for meaningful conversations when important issues arise. It’s important to approach these conversations with an open mind and a willingness to listen and understand.

A Renewed Sense of Commitment

Rebuilding trust requires a renewed sense of commitment from both spouses. When both partners commit to putting in the effort to rebuild trust, they are more likely to succeed. This renewed commitment can lead to a stronger and more fulfilling relationship in the long run.

One way to renew your commitment is to set goals together. This can involve setting goals for your relationship, such as spending more quality time together, or individual goals, such as improving communication or practicing self-care. It’s important to support each other in achieving these goals and celebrate your successes together.

Another way to renew your commitment is to show appreciation for each other. This can involve expressing gratitude for the little things, such as making dinner or doing the laundry, as well as acknowledging each other’s strengths and accomplishments. It’s important to make an effort to show your partner that you value and appreciate them.

Overall, rebuilding trust takes time and effort, but it is possible. By focusing on increasing emotional intimacy, improving communication skills, and renewing your sense of commitment, you can work together to build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.

Conclusion

Can a marriage survive without trust? While it may be challenging, rebuilding trust is definitely possible. You will need to put in a lot of effort, commitment, and patience, but you can do it. By understanding the impact of betrayal on trust, taking the necessary steps to rebuild it, and seeking therapy if needed, couples can restore their relationship and create a stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling bond.

(Thanks you “Alisa” for providing this article for us.  We love to share articles from our readers.  If you’d  like to submit an article for us to post on the blog, feel free to contact us.)

What do you think…Can a marriage survive without trust? Please comment below.

 

Whenever you’re ready, there are 2 ways we can help you:

1. If you’re still looking for traction in your affair recovery experience, we’d recommend starting with an one of our affordable programs. Here are 2 options:

Survive and Thrive after Infidelity – A unique and complete resource that will guide you through the recovery and healing process starting at D-day. It will provide you with the knowledge and tools to not only survive the affair, but thrive! Get started now!

The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: For the struggling unfaithful person, this program delves into the 24 ‘tasks’ that the cheater must complete for them to move from betrayer – to healer, while gaining a better understanding of their betrayed partner and what he/she is going through.  Become a healer.

2. Individual Mentoring – Whether you’re the betrayed or the betrayer, to talk to someone who has gone through what you’re going through and who can listen and empathize with you is an incredibly powerful and valuable thing. It’s not just sympathy – it’s empathy – and it’s irreplaceable. Reserve a session (limited spots available). 

 

    1 Response to "After Betrayal: Can a Marriage Survive Without Trust?"

    • Nic

      No is the short answer
      marriage/relationships cannot survive without trust as without trust there is no security.
      Self preservation/protection prevents you from allowing yourself to be vulnerable to trust again.
      The damage caused by the cs changes everything for the bs.
      Even when you knew something was off, something wasn’t right.
      In my situation my intuition was screaming something was wrong. I couldn’t work out what was wrong. I was fighting myself internally. I questioned my partner of 10yrs, encouraged him to open up, let me in. Continued to try to get him to talk with nothing but false reassurance & commitment. I knew something wasn’t right with him. I felt like I was losing my mind, I felt unstable, insecure, I felt generally unwell.
      You see my body reacted to his infidelity. I couldn’t work it our at the time. He was blowing hot & cold with me but was always attracted to me, always wanted to be intimate, in the same way he was for the whole 10yrs of our relationship.
      I tried emotionally detatching from him I thought I was preparing myself for the end of the relationship.
      Then dday hit… September 2022, the OW contacted me, taunting me for 2days, before revealing the affair, turns out she was jealous as he had lost interest in her. I knew he was capable of alot of devious things but the gravity & extent of what he’d done was devastating. Its too much to write here.
      Going back to trust, no way can a marriage/relationship survive without trust.
      You did trust & now your world has ended, you cannot allow yourself to trust again as you are betraying yourself. You see once trust is gone you realise that you cannot trust those that cannot trust themselves. Also respect, dignity, loyalty, morals, boundaries, along with so many other basic foundations are no longer existent.
      So how can you ever allow yourself to trust when the cs did all these nasty disgusting acts & lied for such a long time. There’s obviously something wrong with them. Not us the bs it’s them the cs.
      To be unfaithful & to protect the secret for 9 whole months is unbelievable. How can a person do that to those he cares about
      Simple answer is they care more about themselves.
      So how can you trust someone who is capable of doing this to their own family ? You can’t & never will. As the only person you can trust is yourself. The bs is the one left holding everything together.
      Why should we ? how can we ? You can’t without betraying yourself. My wounds are deep, there’s more bad memories than good. We have been through alot in the last 10yrs, more than anyone deserves but, our kids are or should be our priority. Evidently not in his case.
      He says he can’t live without me, doesn’t want to live without me. I’m secure in myself, I’m more confident, strong minded a deep empath. I’m sure he knows my soul is pure his is dark & needs me to keep shining for him. My priorities have been & always will be to our kids. I feel I’m losing a part of myself everyday, why am I doing this to myself ? No choice, I don’t have the means to support my kids solo at the moment so I’m staying here keeping my wall firmly up as an empathic mother I feel I’m doing what’s best for my kids. But it comes at a cost, thats killing me slowly but i will succeed, i will live my life when my boys are old enough, 7years of my happiness is the cost. If I had the means I would leave 100%
      You see those that chose their own needs before their own kids cannot be trusted. We could have coexisted for our kids, we could have worked something out, done right for all of us. We did have options but he chose a road that didn’t exist in my moral world.
      We trusted him with everything what he did is unforgivable. I chose not to forgive, I will forgive when I leave.

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