Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC

Note: This is the first of a multi-article series from our friend Tim Tedder, a licensed counselor in Winter Park, Florida.  The series will address ways to find relief from obsessive thoughts or conversations about the affair. 

THE PROBLEM

Betrayal is a bomb that blasts a relationship, causing damage in its most vulnerable places.

The victim is usually left stunned or panicked. The emotional trauma is so severe that fear often remains long after the dust has settled.

In battle terms, we use to call this “shell shock.” Now we recognize it as an anxiety disorder that may include any or all of the following conditions:

  • The pain of the betrayal is persistently re-experienced through recurring memories, images, thoughts, or dreams.
  • Feelings of ongoing distress are associated with these remembrances.
  • Normal, healthy sleep becomes elusive.
  • Irritability increases, along with outbursts of anger.
  • A person becomes hypervigilant, extremely sensitive to anything that appears to threaten safety or security.
  • These disturbances cause distress or impairment in personal or social functioning.

Let me be clear on one point: It should be expected that most betrayed partners will experience all of the above symptoms in the days or weeks immediately following the discovery of an affair.

They are all normal responses to a traumatic event. But it is reasonable to expect they will diminish in intensity and frequency as time goes on.

Sam and Brenda came to see me after her affair was discovered. It became obvious that Brenda had completely ended the affair relationship and was single-minded in her desire to rebuild their marriage. Even so, Sam continued to struggle with the knowledge that his wife had been intimate with another man.

It was almost 4 months after the discovery when Sam wrote the following in an email to his wife:

“I can’t stop imagining him taking off your clothes and doing all the things I know you like. In my mind, I hear you sighing while holding him close… I can’t turn off the scenes that keep playing in my head: the two of you hugging in your office, walking on the beach, eating at [the restaurant], talking at the bar. I see you smiling, reaching out for him. I see you holding his hand, kissing him. All this happens so many times that it’s easier for me to think about the two of you being a couple than it is for me to think that way about us.”

Whether he realizes it or not, Sam has a choice. His obsessive focus on the affair is like a man who goes to the same theater every day and watches the same movie, over and over again. He hates the story and despises the way it makes him feel, but he constantly returns to rewatch it. He wishes the movie would somehow change and tell a different story, but it doesn’t. Each day, he walks out of the theater angry or depressed, then buys another ticket.

He needs to leave that theater. He needs to watch a new movie. He needs to redirect his focus away from the constant replay and give attention to a different story, a new alternative. This is easier said than done, I know, but let me explain some strategies that will help anyone find relief from obsessive thoughts or conversations.

This article [series] will cover these eight strategies:

  1. Take 3 steps toward controlling your affair conversations.
  2. Turn cages into clouds.
  3. Redirect negative thoughts.
  4. Start a Flip Journal™.
  5. Create a Sleep Story.
  6. Release your grip on the past.
  7. Increase your support.
  8. Seek help from an EMDR counselor.

STRATEGIES FOR RELIEF

Strategy 1: Take 3 steps toward controlling your affair conversations.

One complaint I frequently hear from people who had an affair sounds something like this:

“My spouse won’t quit talking about it. I’m trying to be patient, but it’s getting to the point that I dread coming home because I know another list of questions will be waiting. They’re not even new questions; we talk about the same thing over and over again.”

I encourage betrayed partners to take control of their affair conversations by following these three steps.

1.  First Step: Have a Total Truth Talk.

I am often surprised by how many times I will come across unfaithful partners, and sometimes even other therapists, who believe that recovery can be achieved apart from an honest conversation about affair details. Refusing to talk openly and honestly about the affair leaves the wound infected; confession is a cleansing ritual that allows the injury to heal.

Most affair partners are reluctant to talk about the affair, even if their only motive is a desire to guard against further pain. If you have been betrayed, you need to be clear about why it is important to know the truth. Give assurance that you do not want to use the information to accuse or shame your partner, but help him/her understand that before you can begin to trust, you need to know they are willing to start risking honesty. And before you can forgive, you need to a clear understanding of the offense.

One of the best expressions of this need is found in a letter one man wrote to his wife explaining why he needs her to tell him about her affair. He starts the letter this way:

“I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards…

“I can actually see that through your eyes you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes” (The full letter is posted online at affairhealing.com/need-for-answers.html .)

Is there a limit to how much detail should be shared? Absolutely. Anything that comes out of this conversation cannot be unheard, so care should be given in regard to what questions are asked.

Spouses who ask detailed questions about sexual experiences, or places, or specific dates and times usually regret knowing these things later on, although they seemed desperate to know them in the moment. Great consideration should be given to whether each question will help or hinder ongoing recovery.

But in the end, the betrayed partner should be the one who finally decides what questions should be asked. If the affair partner has concerns, then you both should agree to only discuss these things with the help of a qualified counselor, religious leader, or someone you both agree will be trustworthy and fair.

Additional information about the affair question & answer process can be found online on these two pages: affairhealing.com/asking-about-the-affair.html and affairhealing.com/telling-affair-details.html.

2.  Second Step: Intentionally limit ongoing conversations.

Once questions have been answered, the betrayed partner should immediately begin limiting the number of times they talk about the affair. Some infidelity counselors insist that affair questions stop completely once the Truth Talk is done, but this seems too abrupt for many clients. Instead, I encourage them to begin self-regulating their conversations. If they were previously talking about the affair every day, I encourage them to commit to only 3 conversations a week for two weeks. I also recommend defining a limit to the length of each talk (15 minutes to an hour) and never starting a conversation just prior to bedtime.

Between conversations, any question or thought about the affair should be written in a notebook. Prior to a planned conversation, the notebook can be reviewed to determine which issues still need to be discussed. After two weeks, move to 2 conversations per week, then down to one, then “as needed” but no more than once per week.

3.  Third Step: Announce your final affair conversation.

Talking about the same things again and again may bring you momentary relief, but without long-term comfort. If things do not change, your partner will become increasingly resentful or avoid being around you. As soon as you can admit that no new information is being discussed, make the choice to stop talking about affair details. Announce this to your partner and commit to following through.

You can continue to be honest about the feelings you experience as a result of the affair (fear, sadness, hurt, anger), but keep the focus of your conversation on the present. The only reason to talk about past affair details again is if new information arises, or if both of you are in agreement concerning the desire to discuss these things.

 

Strategy 2: Turn cages into clouds.

During the first weeks following the discovery of an affair, it is normal for a betrayed spouse to be consumed with thoughts and questions about the affair. This is an extremely stressful period. In most cases, tension begins to subside as fear is replaced by hope, or confusion is replaced by new direction and purpose.

For some, however, the stress is so overwhelming that they begin to wonder if life will ever feel “normal” again. They fear this may their new reality: a cage from which they will never escape; a trap of endless anxiety.

If not properly confronted, the fear itself becomes the new enemy. Instead of seeing their condition as a temporary consequence brought on by the pain of betrayal, the wounded individual begins to believe in the permanence of this anxious state. They view themselves as a powerless prisoner rather than a wounded traveler.

Does this sound familiar to you? If so, you need to understand this truth: you are not trapped in these moments. They are real, but they are temporary. They are clouds, not cages . You will experience quite a few of them, but you can pass through them all.

Eventually, they will thin out and go away for good.

The next time you begin to experience the familiar anxiety, don’t try to suppress it. Meet it head on but say (out loud, if you want to!), “You are not a cage, you are a cloud I will walk through.” For a moment, give attention to whatever is necessary (pain, grief, fear). Write your thoughts and feelings in a journal, if you want, but then move out of the cloud. The next two strategies will help you do this.


In the next article in this series, Tim will continue to address additional strategies that will help anyone find relief from obsessive thoughts or conversations.


 

Tim TedderTim Tedder, LMHC, NCC

Tim is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Nationally Certified Counselor with a passion for helping couples in crisis. He is the owner of Currents Counseling in Winter Park, Florida.

 

 

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Regaining Control:
Dealing With Obsessive Thoughts, Triggers and Memories of the Affair

Arm yourself with a variety of techniques, practical strategies and  knowledge to help you to manage those intrusive thoughts, triggers and memories of your partner’s affair.

 

    26 replies to "Obsessive Focus – Relentless Thoughts or Conversations About the Affair"

    • Scott

      “Talking about the same things again and again may bring you momentary relief, but without long-term comfort. If things do not change, your partner will become increasingly resentful or avoid being around you.”

      This is a curious comment. Resentment from the person who created the problem to begin with, seems like something that should be given very little weight. “I know I shot the store clerk, but you cops keep asking me the same question over and over and I’m sick of answering it.” So this begs for the old logical fallacy, if you didn’t want to answer the same question over and over, why did you shoot the clerk?

      The repeated questions aren’t about the answers, they’re about safety. If you ask a liar a question 50 times and get 50 different answers, then he/she is still lying. And the unintended consequence of cheating is life doesn’t get to be rosy and fun for the cheater. When they decided to ignore, destroy, and ruin other people in the pursuit of their own self satisfaction and narcissism, it’s kind of hard to see where sticking it out, hanging in there, answering the questions repeatedly, and living with their consequences is a bad thing.

      Infidelity is wrong. We all know it. For the unfaithful spouse who has the opportunity to actually repair the wrong they committed, it should be expected to be very very difficult. That’s what they asked for, what they should expect, and what they wanted when they ran to another person outside their marriage and threw away everything they claimed to love and honor. I’m sure there’s a lot of merit to what Tim said, I’m just not sure the feelings of the cheater are really paramount in the mind of the betrayed, and honestly, I’m not sure the betrayed really care at that point, they’re just trying not to snap and end up in a mental institution.

      • Doug

        Scott, I hear what you’re saying and I agree with you 100%. However, what Tim says is accurate in many cases and I’m sure he sees it daily in his practice. The cheater, not being aware or empathetic to the BS’ reasons for asking questions repeatedly, does grow weary, resentful and often angry. I know I did with Linda’s questions. That is, until I got my head out of my ass. And I talk with people (mostly BS) all the time where they are dealing with the same issue. Unfortunately, I’m guessing the majority of CS don’t get to the point where they understand what they need to do so their relationship remains on a hamster wheel with no real progress towards healing.

        • Strengthrequired

          Doug, sometimes though those tough answers the cs get asked to answer, just doesn’t get answered, or they get the old ” I don’t remember” so then when you ask again, the same respinse “I don’t remember” until it becomes, “it was so long ago, that I truly don’t remember”. So these are the questiins that we need answered, that keep replaying in our minds, over and over again, that increases out fear and anxiety, even with apparent “truth talks” . We the bs walk around dazed, while still trying to keep our family together. We are expected to just let it go, while knowing that we were made a fool of, which the mind movies keep reminding us of, all because our cs decided to fall in the arms of someone else at our expense, at our childrens expense. We carry those looks of on our children’s faces, the hurt they suffered, as well as what we suffered because our cs was unable to resist temptation. So we carry this burden on our shoulders day in day out, while our cs desperately want us to forget.
          We will never forget, or trust how we used to, unless for some miracle. There will always be things we don’t know, yet I’m not sure I want anything else to crush my spirit with, but if a question is on my mind, I would like an honest answer. It is the questions we feel aren’t answered honestly, or we feel aren’t answered honestly that get us asking again.
          We don’t want to be blind sighted in the future, a future we find hard to picture, no matter how hard we try, even if our cs can clearly picture our future.
          I know due to the “I don’t remember responses, or I don’t know why respinses, or I never wanted her, I always wanted you, I never wanted to leave you respsones,” just to me with my experiences say different.
          I experienced the look of my hate towards me, in my cs eyes.
          I experienced the ” I love you, but I’m not Inlove with you, and don’t want to live another 10 years like this with you”
          I experienced, ” I found the person I want to be with”
          I experienced the ” I don’t want her, I want you, you are my family” all the while he still chased after her and continued lying about it, until caught out, and the anger I faced because the truth was uncovered, on several occasions.
          I experienced, the loss of friends, the closeness of family, while trying to be the strong one, while my cs still is looked upto by all of his friends and family.
          I am the one that gets anxious going to the shopping centre, just incase I run into the ow, I won’t answer a phone call unless I know the number, incase I hear another lie being unraveled. Which in turn could ruin our chance at remaining together.
          So although I am happy to read this, comes perfectly actually, but at the same time, when you have a spouse that doesn’t offer much in those questions that need to be answered, even after years since dday, then as time goes on, it’s unlikely you ever will, you are just expected to move on and forget.

          • Strengthrequired

            So what am I left with? I’m left with looking over the aftermath, when the dust has settled, looking at the destruction left behind, while picking up the pieces as we carry on each day, trying to make sense of what happened, (which you wont ever be able to make sense of it) thinking, someone that loves you wouldn’t do that to you, and honestly, although my cs loved me before dday, loves me now, he did not love me then.
            That is what’s hard to come to terms with.

          • exercisegrace

            SR, you have captured some important points. While the article is very on track, this an area that needs to not be overlooked. Constant and repeated questions are USUALLY the fault of the cheating spouse. It happens either because the CS gets caught telling multiple versions of something, or the CS trots out the patented “I don’t remember”. To this DAY my husband “can’t remember” exactly when his affair began. She was only the second woman he has ever had sex with and he “doesn’t remember”. Not even the month!

            While I agree that everyone MUST decide how much they can handle knowing, often the imagination of the betrayed spouse conjures up far WORSE images than what actually happened. Dealing with a certain, truthful answer has been easier for me to deal with than imagining a thousand different “story lines”. Over a year after his affair ended, his whore threw some details in my face. Details that he had LIED about. While his intention was to protect me from further hurt, the impact was devastating. It felt like a bomb drop. I was completely unprepared. Shortly after that, I demanded FULL and TOTAL disclosure. We did this at the counselor’s office, in a two hour session and I was armed with a LONG list of questions. I told him I could handle her repeated attacks as long as I was armed with the truth. It was easier to hear it from him, when I know he is loving and very remorseful than to hear it from a spiteful whore, whose sole aim was to hurt me more.

            • Strengthrequired

              That’s it eg, the ap aim is to hurt us more, and it doesn’t matter how they get it out as long as we hear about it. Yes our cs wants to protect us, but they can’t protect us when we hear it from someone else first.

    • adb

      Its been two years. However each year, on the anniversary of my husbands affair, he flies back to france, where it happened and works around this girl. He says he’s done. They’re not even relating much aside from her being his gopher, which is plenty, but I am home having obsessive thoughts. As long as he goes back to this hotbed each year, being around her, I fear I will never recover.

      • exercisegrace

        Abd, what are your options? Can you travel with him? Can he change jobs? Change roles/departments within the company? Can he refuse this trip?

        While I think it is POSSIBLE to heal from the affair, the strain of this anti-versary is way more than you should be asked to put up with. I am sure the weeks leading up to it are very stressful, as is the time he is gone. If it were me, the weeks following his return would be unpleasant as well. I would encourage you to explore your options and tell him that he was made a critical error and it comes with consequences.

    • Beckyb2

      The asking 50 questions and getting 50 different answers is what most BS get the CS can’t remember all of the lies and until the CS gets totally fed up with the questioning and tells the truth no one is free to make informed decisions. PTSD is not what we asked for when we chose to marry our spouse . PTSD is a nasty “gift” if the CS had to share this is one I would willingly share with every partner who shit bombed this marriage including my partner. PTSD is likened to infidelity in that we can not change how we were “gifted ” this nor can we change our spouses infidelity they are the gift that keeps on giving and its NOT the “gift” your expecting. Hmm cheating bleckkkkkk makes me want to wash my mouth out.

    • Alice

      Doug, could you do a detailed post on what specifically helped to get “your head out of your ass” on this matter? I think you’ve mentioned it briefly before but not with much detail. If you could try to give some examples it would paint a better picture for the rest of us.

      • Doug

        Hey Alice, Yes I can do that. I will put it on the list of topics to address. Thanks for the suggestion!

    • Tryinghard

      Intellectually I think we all know thes fine points Tim made. Putting them into practice is another story.

      To his point of setting a time frame ie 15 minutes an hour, gee I don’t know about the rest of you but I think we all did that. When you get the answers I don’t know I don’t remember we either shut down the questions or extend the talk. Of course he’s going to dread coming home not knowing what list of questions he will be bombarded with. Well the problem is get them throughly answered the first time. How do we navigate around their obfusiveness?

      Coming on four years for me and while the questions have diminished in their urgency they are still there. Sad right? I think the BS is very aware of the timing and need for organized thoughtfulness to our detriment. We plan those conversations out like some grand dinner party. We wait for the perfect time to bring up the “subject”. We have busy lives, the kids are there, we are tired, there’s a game on, work, more work, laundry, stress etc then soon the questions are forgotten but the specter of those questions still haunt our psyche.

      Sometimes they are the dumbest questions too. Like EG asked, What month did it start? Really you don’t remember? Weird but my H has answered the same way to very similar questions.

      The conversations need to take place, and yes sadly four years later, but maybe not on a questioning level but more as statements that he can either negate or support. Instead of, Did you prefer sex with her than me?you say, I believe you liked sex with her better than with me. Let him dig through the statement. That encourages more conversation. Tell him that’s what you feel and believe. Also he cannot give you the I don’t remember answer to that statement. LOL there’s more than one way to skin a cat:)
      Scott I love your analogy and I totally agree. If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Yes they are the ones who caused the problem and they are also choosing to stay. It is imperative to get the answers. But how many of us have read all the damn books, participated in blogs, gone to counseling, brought the information to our CS only to have it ignored or minimized and worse yet be told Get Over It? All of us!!!! It’s imperative for our own sake to not depend on them to be forthright with the answers we need. It’s up to us to get the answers for ourselves. Sometimes it comes from the CS but sometimes it comes from educating ourselves and finding our answers through others testimonies.

      Also I use HE generally speaking but that is my case. What I say applies to HER cheaters as well.

    • Shifting Impressions

      If only the CS spouse understood the importance and the actual meaning of The Total Truth Talk…..that would make the continual questioning so much less of an issue. If we had full disclosure from the beginning we wouldn’t need to go through this long drawn out process of finding out the truth. Seems obvious to me. And I absolutely don’t buy the line that the CS is “PROTECTING” the BS. I believe when an affair comes to light the Affair Partners are trying to protect themselves.

      I also believe they need to have the total truth talk in order to face what they have done and realize the full impact of their actions on those around them.

    • Amy

      Its been almost two years when I discovered my husband’s affair but he kept the details, lied and it not reveal the total truth. I asked him questions but hardly got any honesty From him. He wanted to be with me and the kids and even left his job ( as she worked with him) and decided to take up a job in different country. After all those apologies n promises he still kept seeing her but denied and when confronted told it was a withdrawl symtom. I was becoming totally insane and obsessed with negativity as I didnt know what to believe. Then I decided it was my choice to walk out or stay. I chose to stay for the sake of kids and a hope that this marriage could still work. we moved countries and I was feeling much better after working so hard on myself to come out of pain n live a little normal life. But last nite he confessed that not only he had slept with her but also made her pregnant!during the affair.(claims no contact with her now). All this while he had claimed that he had never had sex with ow!

      The point is that total truth should always be told when asked for it Whether or not CS is trying to protect the BS or self. Lies and denial never let you progress. Only because he confessed it so late and told me the truth now, I have to start all over again. Its a tough task. These last ywo years have been my worst nightmare!! but thats it. I have decided to live my life and move forward and give him no importance as he only n only lets me down. Now instead of him, the focus is me, my happiness and my children.

      • Shifting Impressions

        Amy
        You are so right…..the truth needs to be told not matter what. My heart aches for you.

        I just had the conversation with my husband…..now is the time for the total truth not a few years later. Having to “start all over again” because more information comes to light is a huge fear.

        take care….thinking of you.

    • Tabs

      It’s been four years since dday and I still don’t feel “normal”. Like TryingHard, I’ve done the reading, blogging, and counseling, but I still obsess with the details. Many of my question have gone unanswered. Either I get very general, broad response, nothing at all, or worse, conflicting answers. My husband tries his damnedest to change the topic which infuriates me more. Even my daughter has asked whether it’s healthy for me to keep digging for the details. So, do I accept the fact that I will NEVER get answers or do I persist at the questioning? Four years is a long time to be wondering if I made the right choice to stay married. Whatever the case, I take my vows seriously, even if my CS doesn’t.

      • Tryinghard

        Tabs
        I agree four years is a long time. One analogy is like driving you have to look forward not drive in the rear view mirror. You must keep the rear view mirror in sight when making decisions but you won’t get to where you are going only looking there. My therapist compared to a gold brick we hold onto and try to swim. Soon it will sink you. Maybe if you do write those questions down, get them out of your head, you can examine them and decide you won’t ever have the answers and sometimes it’s ok. There’s many things we don’t have the answers to such as for me PHYSICS :)!!!! But how is your husband NOW? Is he loving, accountable, etc? That’s what you should examine for your decision. If just looking at his past behavior yeah you, we, made the wrong decision to stay. But if it’s positive behavior then no you didn’t make the wrong decision and you can continue to honor your vows which included in good times and bad.

        • Strengthrequired

          Tabs, I think we all wonder if we have made the right decision to stay. I’m always asking myself. Maybe it’s because I keep seeing all the things that my h did since dday, playing Over and over in my mind. My h does the same as yours, so unless I come across the answers myself, or someone else tells me, then I can be sure that my h won’t.
          Yet there are the little things that he says and does, that at times overrides those bad times. I don’t see my h as the same person as the one I married, he is different in my eyes, yet I know I am different too especially since dday. His affair changed him as well as me. I am less likely to take his crap, I know he doesn’t like it, but tough. I find myself not sitting completely on my chair, figuratively speaking, I find myself sitting on the edge. Maybe one day, I will feel comfortable enough to sit completely again. I think it will all depend on how much this new version of my h, the new version of me loves being with.

    • Tabs9

      Thanks Tryinghard and Strengthrequired for the advice! I will keep trying to focus on the positive things my H is doing now. …. does that include kneeing him in the nuts?!

      • Strengthrequired

        Does he let you lol?

      • Tryinghard

        OK that made me laugh and I say every.chance.you.get!

    • tabs9

      Well, no he doesn’t let me. But it is cathartic to think about.

      • antiskank

        Hey tabs9
        I love it! Give him one for me too. I am very anti-violence but can imagine this could be fun too! Oh, the changes that betrayal can bring out in us!! Thank you to all who bring a little levity to our lives 🙂

        • Strengthrequired

          I would like to line all of our ch up in a row and we all just knee them in their family jewels.

    • TheFirstWife

      Amy, I feel for you. I was in a similar situation though they both claim “no sex”. The OW (I have spoken to her) said no sex but then changed the story. Really doesn’t matter b/c my CH admitted the affair and then went back. While he was not with her for 2-3 months he treated me like dirt.

      He then went back to her, keeping it a secret, kept telling me how great we were and how we had a great marriage blah blah blah.

      Then he ended our marriage to be w/ her. Twice in 1 week. He even admitted cheating on me previously to the OW (which he never would admit to me even though I confronted him about it hundreds of times). The OW told me about it.

      The point is you will always look at your H as a liar & Cheater. (I learned that through therapy). No matter how much they do to make amends, that will be reality.

      In the end your successful recovery is more about your abilities and tolerance and acceptance of this. I am 18 months past DDay and my H is trying hard but I am not convinced I staying. I have children and want to make this work. But I now see my CH in a whole new light.

      What I have done successfully is separate my happiness from my marriage. I happy with my life, my church, my kids, my family, my work. I used to be 200% in this marriage and put everyone else first. Now I first. And the door swings both ways.

      His mid life crisis ruined a lot of things but one of them is not going to be me.

      I once read a cute saying, the best revenge in a relationship is to come out on top. And I have. I am done dragging him along. He refused therapy, would not tell the truth at all, buried his head in the sand hoping it would go away.

      Sadly I had the utmost respect for him. Now I realize I married a coward and a liar and a cheater. I PROMISE I will do better raising my sons to behave better.

      Amy, I have one suggestion. You tell yourself everyday this has Nothing to do with you. It was his choice and mistake and his mess to deal with. Also have an exit strategy. I made my H sign s post nup. Any $ I have he is not entitled to in s divorce. In 18 months I have six figures saved. I am lucky as I can leave tomorrow and be ok and my H knows it

      Take your power back. Hopefully he will be grateful you stayed and realize he is lucky.

    • Amy

      Hello The first wife,

      Its a great step that ur focusing now on yourself , kids n Church other than only on your husband n his betrayel . The truth is although we need love n support of our spouses but in the end only we ourself are responsible for our happiness. Its really difficult to make a decision to stay with CH but once the decision is made, the onus is on us how to b peaceful with that. One thing I realised through this experience is that he is not the only one who is responsible for my happiness and mental peace. There are lot of people in my life who love me.

      So why not focus on things which are positive in my life rather than thinking over n over again about the affair and bringing negativity in my life. It takes time to accept the reality and hurts but its better to accept and move on with your life than ponder over things which you could not change( like the affair and his lies). Also its ok to take out anger when needed on him once in a while! So @ Tabs9 if you feel like hitting him Do IT! I slapped my CS couple of times n it felt good!(for the continous lying n not revealing the truth sooner). I deserve my healing. Period.

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