I was out running some errands yesterday when my phone ran, and it was my brother. At first I was hesitant to answer because I have not talked to him since our weekend together several weeks ago.
I decided to pull away from him a bit because I couldn’t support what he was doing, but I didn’t want to alienate him either, so I just pretended he didn’t exist for a few weeks.
My brother called to update me on the situation. I was afraid at first of what he possibly would tell me, but luck would have it I was pleasantly surprised. He has emerged from his “affair fog” and has decided to break off the relationship with the other woman. I couldn’t believe it, because only weeks before he had appeared to be so “in love.”
Apparently, he has come to the realization that she wasn’t the one, that he had a lot of work to do on himself, and that he would like to try and work on his marriage. He has been visiting a therapist every week, who has outlined a plan to help him reach his goals.
I wonder what happened.
My brother said she was driving him crazy by trying to manipulate him, acting differently from when they first met, and was beginning to show her faults. I was shocked! 😉
Several months ago when my brother first told me about his extra marital affair he had used the same words as Doug did to describe the other woman: confident, outgoing, fun, talkative, easy going. Ironically he used the same words yesterday as Doug did after the affair: jealous, insecure, flirtatious, controlling, nit-picky.
I wonder… do all women having an affair have the same personality type, or did Doug and my brother choose the same kind of affair partner? It was amazing to hear the similarities of the two situations.
Every night I had prayed for this outcome for strictly selfish reasons. If his relationship would have been successful, everything I believed about affairs would be false and then I’d be unsure of where I would be.
I have learned a lot by watching an affair from the outside looking in. I was honestly in a good place – not too emotionally involved, yet having enough knowledge and insight to understand the situation. My brother’s situation has confirmed much of what I have learned about affairs:
Most affairs end. It takes time and exposure, but they will eventually die. I also know that my brother will probably return back to the OW several times before it is completely over. He will tell her that it is over. She will become upset and he will call to see how she is. She will promise that she will not act that way anymore, and that wasn’t how she really is. She will tell him how wonderful he is and he will be back in her arms. He will feel smothered again, and leave until he finally gets the guts to call it off completely.
Affairs are not about love. They are all about the partners’ desire to have that “in love” feeling. They are about having a really great time while you are stroking each other’s egos. Looking back at their behavior, I can’t deny that they were enjoying each other’s company- but was it love? If it was love, how can his feelings change so quickly? Three weeks ago my brother thought she was the best thing that walked on this planet and was ready to give up millions of dollars along with his family. Now he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her. Is that real love?
Backing off can be effective. I am beginning to convince myself that the best plan when your spouse is involved in an affair is to back off and let it run its course. My sister-in-law had to back off because she was a thousand miles away. She had no choice. This allowed my brother to experience the whole relationship. It didn’t take much time for him to see that she was not the perfect woman for him. His affair partner was able to do that on her own without any outside influence.
Yesterday he even compared his wife favorably over the OW and resented that the OW would put her down. There is something said for history and loyalty to your family. I believe the best attack would be to let your husband see you moving on with your life, be supportive–not a doormat, and then let the affair partner dig her own grave.
The “affair fog” is thick. When a person is in the “affair fog” they are not thinking clearly and you cannot reason with them. Three months ago I told my brother the same things I told him yesterday. He wouldn’t listen to any of it. Yesterday he understood what I was saying and agreed with most of it. He even stated that he wanted to learn more about affairs, and wanted to move on with his life, which meant contacting his wife and mending fences with his children again.
I can’t tell you how happy I am that the “affair fog” has lifted from my brother’s head. It is a potentially wonderful thing for our entire extended family. I must admit I had some selfish motivations for this to happen, and it actually feels like a giant weight has been lifted and I can take a big sigh of relief.
50 replies to "Newsflash: The Affair Fog has Lifted!"
Linda,
I am glad that your brother’s affair fog has lifted. I had not heard the term ‘affair fog’ before. I have seen this phenomena quite often. In my own mind, I suspect that they are in a hypnotic state. While they are in that state, they are ‘out of it’ and vulnerable to being manipulated. Just look at the symptoms, not listening, unable to think clearly, impulsive, unresponsive, idealizing some euphoric state, and highly suggestive (to certain people). It struck me that that sounds like someone in a trance. On making that realization, I began researching trances, and found amazing similarity between the being in the ‘affair state’ or ‘fog’ as you call it and hypnotic states.
What verified my observations more was talking to those who were in the fog and came out of it. They even use terms like someone who has recently woken out of a trance.
I am glad he is out.
I’m very happy to hear that it didn’t work out, for selfish reasons also. It’s nice to know that the feelings they thought they had were all bullshit. But at the same time I’m sad for his wife, your sister-in-law. I’m sad that she had to endure all this pain and will have to endure pain because of his stupid mistake. I hope that she can work through it. I feel sad for the children, who were innocent and now have to know that they’re father was willing to give them up and their mother for a woman he doesn’t even love. I’m sorry that this will probably effect how those children deal with their own future relationships. I’m curious to know if his wife will take him back, and if she will be able to handle knowing that her husband came back to her only after he realized that the OW was not all what she was cracked up to be. And I’m happy that the OW will have to endure some form of pain knowing that she was not good enough for him, and that all the tricks she pulled out of her bag didn’t work.
Yes, even though we didn’t get along all that great with our sister in law, we did feel sorry for her and realized that she has gone through a tremendous amount of pain. We also wondered if she will even take him back at this stage. We know she has talked to a lawyer, and maybe she is to the point where she is willing to move on. Time will tell.
I know this reply was a long time ago but I find myself now in the position to have found this site. I did ask myself before I got to this reply I wonder how the sister in law feels about having her whole world on display. I mean she’s devastated like the rest of us but in a unique position where her family members help other people recover. I’m not sure how I’d feel about having my cheating spouse’s innermost thoughts put on display. Doesn’t seem like it would do much if it were me. So now I know you didn’t get along. Ok. But you are here for the greater good of all, right?
Thanks for your comment and concern. Our sister-in-law (who has since passed away) never knew anything about this site or our situation. And thus never knew that her situation was a topic of discussion.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope she found some peace and happiness before she passed.
I wish you’d change your moniker, Broken. I get the feeling you may bend, but never break.
I’m not sure if I should take this as a compliment or not? 🙂
It’s a compliment to your resiliency in the face of this adversity. I also don’t feel any of us are broken, just temporarily off balance.
Thanks D., I appreciate it! Sometimes I feel Broken, other times I think it could be worse… I’m lucky in so many other ways.
I agree with D, Broken. I feel your pain when I read your name, but I’d rather not ADD to it. I’d much rather call you “Sunshine” or some other name that uplifts you whenever you read it.
Good idea!
Wow! Like you said, validation. I needed this like nothing before. I would say my wife is out of the fog (although it remains a fear of mine that a single contact may undo 3 month’s work) and we are working at our marriage. But there remains a sort of limbo attached to that work that resembles the fog. I liken her to a helicopter pilot who sees where she wants to land (a happy, honest, secure marriage with me) but who cannot seem to direct the helicopter (her emotions) to that landing place. So she’s hovering right now (staying present, in the moment), trying to land, but ultimately may fly away.
The best book I’ve read during all of this is “Not ‘Just Friends'”, by Dr. Shirley Glass. She mentions that in the healing process couples don’t necessarily have to be totally connected. We can be in the moment sharing whatever happiness comes our way, working on forgiveness and acceptance, working on ourselves, not waste time waiting for them to “come home,” and allowing the process of life to unfold at its pace.
It ain’t easy, but it seems to be worth the alternative.
Someone asked me if 2 years of pure hell was worth 40 years of happiness (or at least peaceful contentment). It doesn’t look so God-awful in that light.
Congrats Linda. I hope the ensuing process is helpful to all involved.
D., I enjoyed your comparing your situation to a helicopter pilot. Good analogy.
Keep us posted 🙂
Ahhh the fog. Six months post D-day and I must say that I was in that fog to some point for at least 3-4 months of it. It faded slowwwwly away. I HATED that fog. I am a pretty logical guy, and it did not make sense to me or my BW. Very confusing, and it hindered healing for quite a while. It took everything in me to get past it and put those lingering emotions away. It could not be reasoned, willed, or talked away. It just took time.
Now I face a situation a good friend I confided in and who counseled me during the EA and afterwards has chosen to leave his wife of 10 years and start another relationship. I confronted him with all kinds of warnings and things like, “Remember when you told me a…b…c? Dude, you are doing them now!” But guess what? Fog. All kinds of, “I need to, I am tired of not, etc.” It is horrifying to watch. It is at times literally nauseating. 🙁
I can tell you that it’s probably true for majority of the OW. When they first meet us, we are outgoing, very confident (because someone else’s man is interested in us and showering us with love, how could we NOT be confident?), when you are self confident, you show it very well to others, and have this very positive image portrayed. Once you’re deeper into the relationship, because the entire relationship is built upon lies, you started to doubt yourself, over analyze everything he does/says, become controlling because you need to know he still loves you and admires you. Wait till you experience weekends/holidays/birthdays and he is not around. Not because it is difficult to text or call, but because he has CHOSEN not to call. Imagine how you feel always playing second fiddle. With all this, the once self confident woman has now become someone with very low self esteem. She will become neurotic and demanding, high maintenance in order to make sure she still has a place in his hearts… this is why most affairs won’t last.
iamguilty, I am curious, is it a confidence booster that the man is choosing you over his wife. I often wonder if that was a motivator for Tanya, knowing that he had a decent wife at home, but he wanted her instead. I am not dismissing Doug’s appeal, but I wonder if losing him to another women could have been a reason she kept hanging on for so long. I know some women get a thrill knowing that they can have something that belongs to someone else. Just a thought. I am still trying to get into her mind. It’s unhealthy and silly I just wonder what she was thinking. Linda
Linda, I don’t think that’s the main reason. I have to admit, it feels very flattering when someone else’s man is flirting with you, giving you all the attention, saying all the right words. But to be honest, maybe I’m just too selfish, I never thought about, oh, he has a woman at home, but instead, he wants to spend time talking to me. It really doesn’t cross my mind. Did Tanya hang onto him after he ended?
I can tell you that the bond from the woman’s side *usually* is much stronger. We’ve gotten somewhat physical as well, so I’m sure the oxytocin is doing alot of the work. I cannot talk to someone, text, or whatnot all day long to just a friend, there gotta be some sort of emotional connection. Once that’s developed, it is very difficult to just cut it loose. Again, it’s not like you’re erasing words from a chalkboard, it takes time. Many has voiced here or elsewhere, perhaps, and I do believe this to a very large extend, we like the feeling that we are in love (we think we’re in love), we don’t love the affair partner. We love that feeling and we want to hang on to it for as long as we can. I hope this helps ?!
iamguilty, thanks for your honesty. Doug and I had a long conversation last night about Tanya, one of the few times he offered information without my asking. Some of the things he said about her made me question her confidence and personality so I thought you might be able to add some insight. According to Doug he said Tanya took ending it a lot harder than he did, whatever that is supposed to mean. I know all this information is irrelevant to our healing, I guess I want Doug to understand that what you see and think isn’t always the way it is. The qualities he found appealing in the beginning may not be so appealing if they were in a committed and long term relationship. I am sure he has realized this but as a woman I feel the need to reinforce this whenever I get the chance. Sometimes I think to myself what was he thinking he almost lost everything for a “feeling”.
Yes, this is entirely correct. This “fog” that you are describing is indeed very real and true. I mean, I am not a stupid person, but in this relationship, I think with my heart, not my brain. Now I am kind of stepping out of the fog, but it is still very difficult for me to let go. I hate to generalize, but in general, I think the woman will always take this alot harder. I step out of the fog and look into what I am doing… it is completely senseless. How can I be this dumb? I mean, I know this is a game to him, yet, I’ve commited so much into this, risking something that I’ve built with my H for YEARS, just for this feeling that isn’t even real!?
I am always there for him when he needs me, if i can only devote the love/feeling I have for him to my M and H, the world will be so much better. Why is it that I can see the truth, but I am still unable to pull myself out? Linda, help me.
iamguilty, it sounds like you love the feelings of being needed and wanted and possibly are not getting those feelings from your husband. You cannot break away from this without help, I know how difficult it would be to tell your husband but at some point you need to come clean and face the consequences. I know that you understand the reality of the situation however you are still living an illusion because it is still a secret. You cannot fully experience all the effects of your actions until your affair is out in the open. If you are hesitate to tell your husband find a therapist to help guide you through this. Right now you are running back to the OM because he is the only one who “understands” what you are going through. You are addicted to him because he helps to temporary ease the pain.
You also need to understand that you haven’t committed anything to this relationship, a commitment involves honestly, mature love, unselfishness. What you have done is risk your commitment to your husband. You do not owe this man anything, you owe your husband a chance to help make a decision about your marriage. Right now you hold all the power, he doesn’t even know you are unhappy, so how can he help you.
The best way to get over this is to be completely honest with your husband, explain that you want to break it off and that you need his help, you are dedicated to saving the marriage and will do everything to get through this. Or you can continue betraying and lying to him and digging a deeper hole with the OM. The longer you wait the more painful and complicated it becomes. I know if Doug would have been completely honest from day 1 it would have saved both of us some much pain. I believe the prolonging of the affair and the lies made my recovery very difficult. You appear to be stepping out of the fog, looking at the situation more realistically now would be the time to let it go and move on with your marriage.
iamguilty, you either tell your H or you will lose your marriage all together. If either of your spouses find out the shxx is going to hit the fan. That is how I found out, OW’s H told me. Are you thinking you could possibly have a future with your EA partner? If so, you are sadly mistaken. All research shows that if a man is going to leave his wife for another he will do it in the first 3 months, If not it ain’t happening. And no you are not a self confident woman, you think you are or want to believe you are but your not. You are weak and don’t respect yourself. And that is why you are in an EA and you have a very good chance of losing everything including any respect that your extended family and friends have for you. Grow a pair girl and get out now! You need to accept that regardless of how he acts when he’s with you, he has “real love” with his wife, she means more to him than you want to believe, who does he sleep with at night? Who does he spend weekends with? I am really sorry you are going through this, only you can solve this problem.
iamguilty, some other questions, if they are too personal just tell me I will understand., Were you self confident before you began the affair or did his interest in you boost your self confidence? Did you feel you were your true self with him or being the person you thought he wanted you to be? Even though you had a husband at home did it still bother you that he didn’t call or text and did you feel that he was the one setting the tone of the relationship, that it was difficult for you to take call or text first?
Some of the behaviors you discussed in your comment is exactly the was the spouse acts when they find out about the affair. Neurotic, demanding,low self esteem. No wonder Doug was confused he had two women acting the same way and I am sure he felt that we were both crazy and he had caused this mess. You wonder why everyone would hold on to this triangular relationship for a long period of time, too much drama and heartbreak. Linda
Linda, I am a very self confident woman. I honestly dont know how I dig myself into this mess. I always have attention, love, successful career, I should be envy by many people until I met him. He had once jokingly told me that he’ll turn my world upside down, well, he did. TO be frank, I don’t think I was really my true self when I’m with him, esp at the beginning of the relationship, I tried to be who he wanted me to be. I felt very guilty that my husband will be sitting right there and I’m texting/IMing the OM. It bothers me alot, but this is really like an addiction. I tell myself, okay, I’ll just do this one last time (we see each other once a few months), no secks, but just cuddle etc. That feeling makes me feel so good but I know it’s wrong, it’s an addiction. It was not difficult for me to take calls or text, since my H never suspect me of anything, and he knows i have lots of male friends. (now, I feel SO guilty, that he trust me and I’m doing this behind his back). He does set the tone of the relationship, I am this woman that is so low, playing second fiddle when I could be the concertmaster at home. I often feel depressed when I don’t hear from him (weekends). I remember one time I texted him on a weekend responding to his text and he told me his W is around and on weekend I must try not to text him and tread with caution when IMing, that was like a stab to reality…. When you were treated this way, you will lose your confident, self esteem, and I started to get neurotic and demanding…. hence this drama and mess, and eventually heartbreak.
iamguilty, I was thinking about something you said in your comment “he told me he would turn my world upside down” it sounds like a man that wants to feed his ego, wants to know that he can make another women fall in love with him, still has the power and that he will do everything possible to make that happen. You have to think if this man really cares about you or only about himself. I am afraid that if somethings happens to put this affair out in the open you will be very hurt by his reaction. Please help yourself and end this affair. Think about all his faults, the terrible way he has treated you, do not remember how he makes you feel when you are with him, to him it may only be a game. Linda
I don’t think he cares at all, I fully understand I need to end this. I think NC really is the only way to go, but right now, something is he is going through some really important changes with his job, and I really don’t want to add another stress to his life right now, although I might be kidding myself, but no matter how unimportant or how little i am, I just don’t want to burden him with this. So after he’s done with the career issue, I will step out. I’ve had enough, this is very draining.
Please help yourself and end this affair. Think about all his faults, the terrible way he has treated you, do not remember how he makes you feel when you are with him, to him it may only be a game. Linda
Reading this over and over again. I think I am really making progress in getting out of this mess. I often think about the day that we end our relationshp, I will hold on to those memories, and feelings, it will always have a place in my heart. But after reading what you wrote, it made me realize that I don’t need to be reminded by those memories, he is so low that he can toy with someone’s emotion to feed his ego, to get all the help/support he needed, yet he is not even one bit connected to me emotionally. How can I not see this? Or why is it that I realize it, but still won’t believe it? Instead of storing these feeling/memory in my heart, I am ready to toss this into a grocery bag and just throw it out like yesterday’s garbage. I’m one step closer. Thank you, Linda.
Linda, your words are so powerful. I am so glad I get to talk to you. It is incredibly painful when I cannot tell anyone about this, some days, I will be okay, but others, I will just drive and tears will just start rolling down my eyes. He really temporarily ease the pain, but what he also does to me is to make the wound deeper. I am actually making baby steps, I am kind of stepping out of the fog, or maybe his attitude changed that made me see what he really is like? During OMs stressful time, everything is about him, all the texts, phone calls is about his issue, not once did he asked how my day was, or if he asked, I could’ve said, it sucked and he could care less. This has been going on for 8 months, and I just cannot believe it. Why did I response to him back them? Had we kept our distance back then, none of this will happen. Is it really absolutely necessary to tell my H? I cannot even imagine the consequences. I think I really need to talk to a therapist before I drive myself to insanity. And you are 100% correct that I love the feeling of being needed/wanted. I love it when OM tells me how I am indispensable, I can’t do this without you, but all these temporary happiness comes along heartbreak and stabbing pain when you know that these are all just pretty lies.
iamguilty, only you can figure out what is missing in your life and marriage that enabled you to enter this affair. Just as betrayed spouse had to look deep within themselves to figure out why our spouses entered an affair, you also need to do some soul searching and figure out what is missing within yourself. There are some great books that may help with your journey, however sometimes it just takes being honest with yourself. When I found out about Doug’s affair I realized that I was unhappy because I tried to be perfect and took responsibility for everything. I have learned to let go and now I am a much happier person. I am here to help in any way I can but I am not an expert just someone who had to live through a very bad experience.
You know what is really weird, after reading what you’ve wrote, it made me really want to end this senseless, ridiculous relationship. I often think about when I end this, i want to hold on to the happiness we’ve shared, all the memories and it’ll always have a place in my heart. But for some strange reason, reading what you’ve wrote, and having my thoughts conveyed, all of a sudden I’m disgusted by the whole thing, disgusted by him, and just want to put all we’ve shared in the past and put it in a grocery bag and just throw it away. I think I’m ready.
Iamguiilty – only you will know whether it right to tell your husband. Stopping your EA and telling your husband is two different things. The latter should NEVER be something you do to help you achieve the first. You got yourself into this mess, get yourself out of it. I don’t think you are a weak woman who got herself into an EA. From your posts, it sounds that you may actually be over-confident in that you didnt think you would have such a strong emotional connection to this man. You are surprising yourself with your strong reaction to him as well as the equally strong self-loathing reaction. Recallibrate your thinking. (1) Repeat to yourself – I am NOT in love with this man. It doesnt matter at this point whether you know or you think that you are in love with your husband. What matters is to be clear in your head that you are NOT in love with this other man. (2) Accept that what is done is done. It cannot be undone. Stop thinking or worrying whether you may lose everything. You may. You may not. Who knows? Thinking ceaselessly about it is just going to drive you further into depression and will help you initiate NC(3) Tell yourself that this EA is like any other relationship and you are now breaking up with him. So he is now akin to an ex-boyfriend. Don’t just think of his faults. That will depress you further (how did I get into this EA, what did I see in him, etc) and the EA cycle will continue. It was a fling, with good times and bad times, but it has to end.
Do this and your brain would be able to accept why NC needs to start. There will be plenty of time to decide whether to tell your husband and how to fix your marriage (and yourself) later. Now, the most practical action point is to discontinue the EA immediately. This may well be the most painful thing you have to do but remember that the pain is not because you are “letting the Love of your life go” but because you are dissappointed in yourself and your actions. If your husband or his wife has not noticed it yet, please do it NOW.
Lizzie… I feel like all of these comments are falling on deaf ears. She will only be able to pull herself out of this when she gets caught. Then the shit will hit the fan and she will be smacked back into reality. Most affairs end because their “secret” relationship is not a secret anymore. Once she gets caught then it can end. Just my thoughts on this situation.
Lizzie, what you wrote made perfect sense. And yes, I have to agree, I over estimated myself. I thought I would be able to pull myself out when I think that it has crossed the line, but I was unable to. I think it is difficult to do the NC, because I’ll have to tell him to stop contacting me, he would ask why. Then I’ll have to lay it all out to him, explain to him that I am afraid that I’m getting a bit too emotionally attached to this thing and I need to stop etc. Or maybe not. I don’t know.. I do understand NC is a must. I am reading Broken’s comment and that did scared me… I don’t want this to end when we get caught. That will not be good. I need to gather some strength to start NC.
Iamguilty,
I just wanted to share something I heard the other day that made me think!!
I was listening to a talk show when a caller called in and told the host of her affair. The caller explained that it was a bad time in her life and she wasn’t getting the attention she craved from her husband.
The affair lasted about a year and she realized what she was doing was wrong and ended it.
She has told one close friend, her priest, and now the whole world on radio but she hasn’t told her husband. She feels a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. And she wanted advice from the host whether or not to tell her husband.
What the host said was both troubling and also made me think. The host told her that she should never tell him. It would only add insult and injury to the betrayal that she has all ready committed.
Listening to this and the host of triggers this weekend have kept me unable to sleep.
Some times I wonder if my spouse told me in order to get closure in our marriage. I wondered if I would be better off never knowing what happened. Instead of perpetually thinking about what they did, and what I think they did, whenever something triggers these feelings.
You can do it without telling your husband what happened. But you need help from someone. It would be great to have your husband help you, but you can’t count on his help, he may decide just to leave you on the spot. Only you know your husband.
Help can come from a close friend. Help can come from the advise and ears you have here. If you think of calling him. Post it here. Read some posts. Get your strength back and move past it.
You already understand the pain of this. But you have to grow past it.
Maybe find a therapist. Maybe tell your husband you don’t feel loved and need his help. Maybe even tell him the truth, take your hits, and hope that he loves you so much that he will fight to get you back.
I know you’ve read all this here. As a betrayed husband I understand. And I would do anything to help my wife get past this. Its been about a month that we haven’t even talked about it.
I know she only posted on here because she thought it was what I wanted. And she posted only a couple of times. And now she looks at the site only a few times a month. She doesn’t want to work through this, she wants to forget and work around it.
It hasn’t worked for any of her issues but it is the only way she knows. It hurts so much that she doesn’t love me enough to open up to me. But I can’t change that. I can only show her I love her and am here for her.
Ok yesterday on the same show!! A woman explained that she has Always been withdrawn from her husband because of the problems in her past. And that now as she is trying to do things to better her life and enjoy herself but her husband has no interest in it.
So she is thinking about leaving her husband for a “life she now wants” she wants to feel the passion from him that he isn’t giving her anymore.
Same host explained to her that she was being very hurtful and selfish doing this to a man that has put up with her for all these years. “Now you want to leave him”
I can feel that from my wife.
I have to stop listensing to this show. Really!
Michael, excellent comment. I would think that eventually the guilt that the woman in your story feels will take over and that she would tell her husband. There are certainly two sides of the “should I tell my spouse” subject. Might make for an interesting discussion topic some day.
Michael – for what its worth, I dont think your wife does not love you enough to open up to you. I think this is how she shows her love. If I remember correctly (I check this site sporadically!) she volunteered information about her EA before being caught? I think that is her way of saying “Please help me. I love you” She may have lied about the number of times she spoke to this other being while she was in the EA but isnt it that she has not contacted him since she broke off the EA? That says “I love you” too.
Lizzie,
I dont have that gut feeling that she has ended it. She professed her NC to me and our tharapist while she was useing our friends phone and my sons phone. She says she doesn’t remeber when the last time she talked to him was and she offers no proof that she has ended it.
The only time we ever talk about what happened is when I find something new. And she continues to tell me that she is afraid of me leaving.
Im ok not being the one she can talk to.
Im ok with her lack of interest in intimacy with me.
Im ok with her never telling me the truth.
I wish she could just understand that I am here even when shes not emotionaly.
And I wish she would figure out that she does need help.
I have been told that I need to forgive her and forget about it. I just dont have that feeling that I can forgive her for what I dont know about. Over these months she has told me, under fear that I may leave, that she has told me everything. Then I find something new. How many times can I say I forgive her before it just doesn’t feel real anymore. This has gone on way too long with her playing the Victim roll. She needs to accept what has happened to her in her life and that she has so much more to give to this world.
I am still leaning on not telling him. Unlike what most people recommend here, cold turkey nc. I am unable to do so. I felt like a broken record because all these stories are basically the same… we’re coworkers on the same team. I really don’t want this awkwardness. I am hoping that if we get rid of all intimacy, answer his calls professionally, no lovey dovey talks anymore, that will help the situation. I know this sounds crazy, but after reading Linda’s post, it pushed the fog away even further. Im able to see more clear, this man doesn’t effing care about me. This whole time, he probably wants me to help him with work, and my body, and to boost his ego. Should I die tomorrow, he will not shed one tear. I can’t always keep my mouth shut, call him at the right time, anticipate his moods and ignore any sort of expectation of communication to keep this relationship. I’m surprised at how well I am handling this. I still talk to him, but I’m a bit emotionless. I hope i won’t have a rebound.
I’m glad your brother “came to his senses” and i hope his marriage can be salvaged. I also hope the OP will examine their own life and figure out why they made themselves available to someone who wasn’t available and off-limits.
My husband has walked out on me and our 2 very young children over a 2 month affair with a waitress 13 years younger than him. We were a very happy, strong couple (together for 13 years) and had just been in a bit of a rut for this last year as we had a new baby so our relationship was on a bit of a back burner.’anyway he is rewriting history- making out we haven’t been happy for years etc (it’s just rubbish). He has moved out, rented an apartment and seems hell bent on this going ahead! This seemed like total craziness to me and everyone that knows us. Do you think he is in “affair fog” he cannot see the bigger picture, refuses to accept this will affect the children or his relationship with them. Me and the kids are moving away from him (about 4 hours away) will this
Make the fog lift???? I am losing my mind with this ?Thanks
Sounds like my husband. He started his affair in January & I found out about it in March. I was pregnant & we were stressed. We have had a bit of a bumpy road these last couple years after he did back to back deployments, but I just figured it was something we’d ride out. We have had 2 children since his return & kids are stressful on top of everything else. He moved out the day I found out & has insisted that he is miserable with me & that we haven’t loved each other in a couple years. I knew our marriage wasn’t perfect, but I would have never guessed he’d do this to me. The OW is also my (ex) friend, my brother’s (now ex) girlfriend, my nephew’s mother, etc, so it complicates things even more. I honestly think he’s in “the fog”. He says he’s so much happier with her, someone he didn’t really care for before this all started. It hurts so bad that these two people that I thought were people I could trust, could do this to our families. I still want to work on my marriage (my brother wants nothing to do with his ex), & while my family understands & supports me, the longer this goes on, the more frustrated they become because this is affecting our children — “auntie” & daddy are now good friends & mommy & uncle aren’t around anymore?? I just hope this ends soon. Their affair has been going on for over 4 months now, first starting as complaining about their relationship & then turning sexual a couple weeks later. I wish I knew when this would end because I’m pretty sure he will regret this once it’s all said & done, but we are in the middle of a divorce (he insisted) & I don’t want things to end. Everyone keeps telling me he is crazy to do this & they are shocked that this is happening. Did your husband ever come back?
Hi Mary
So sorry to hear your terrible situation, I wish I could give you a rosier end to my tale but 6 months on and he is still with the girl (who I since found out is actually 20, he lied about her age- he is 38!! It disgusts me)
The only thing I can say is I feel so so much better, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your kids, get on with your life and making you happy, he will do whatever he wants do so any amount of begging or whatever won’t make any difference and it will actually just make you feel horrible about yourself. Do some nice things for you even though you won’t feel like it and try to stay out of his drama (affairs thrive on you causing drama about it)as my friend told me “fake it until you make it” and I can honestly say 90% of the time I’m not faking it any more, I am happy. He however definitely is not, he has no friends or family really any more, he looks absolutely terrible and his best mate tells me he is absolutely miserable… Don’t contact him unless absolutely necessary, focus on you and your babies, it will only hurt you! So so sorry, I feel your pain X
I’m sorry that your husband still is with the other woman. This has certainly been a very painful experience & I’m not sure whether he will ever come back. He tells me we will never get back together & how much he couldn’t stand me. We got into an argument earlier this week & I told him our son will hate him for doing this to me/us when I was pregnant with him & he told me he will probably want to live with him when he’s older because I’m a miserable person. I know I shouldn’t even argue with him. There is no reasoning with someone who doesn’t think that what they are doing is wrong. He spends way more time with his girlfriend than he does his kids. He has spent about 24 hours with our son (including time in the hospital) & he is 2 weeks old tomorrow. He didn’t even offer to stay with us the night he was born & when we took him home, he left after 10 mins to go spend the night with her. I’m just so disgusted by his actions. He was such a good dad before all this happened. We just had a few issues that needed to be resolved & now he is rewriting history to make it seem like our relationship has been over for years & claims he should have divorced me a long time ago. We just talked to a contractor 2 months before he started his affair to start drawing up plans to build a house, we had a family vacation planned, we just bought a brand new vehicle & he was so happy that we were pregnant with our first son. I’m just disgusted. I know he is not thinking clearly. He very rarely talks to any of his friends or family either & he pretty much only spends time with her unless our kids go to visit. I just don’t know who this person is. He is so different from the man I knew in December.
A lot of people tell me he really seems unhappy & that he looks depressed. He acts like he’s so happy when he’s around me, I’m sure he has to fake it if he’s not. So many of hia friends think he is nuts & will regret this. I’ve even had friends of his tell me to get him commited, but maybe he just is happier without me. I just keep hoping I wake up from this nightmare & that this never happened. I know things could be worse, but I just can’t believe this is my life right now.
Hi Mary
I just don’t understand what happens- from the day he walked out on us he has acted like a totally different person than the man I married. Selfish to the core and not bothered about hurting me or even his kids.
Honestly try to distance yourself from him and focus on you, what he has done to you is unforgivable, when I was at your stage I hoped for reconciliation too but really if that did happen, how would it work? After he’s done this, could you ever trust him again really? I still love my husband but the more this goes on I realise I’d be mad to let him come back, if he Did it again and the kids were old enough to realise what was going on I would never forgive myself.
How do we know when the affair fog is starting to lift? I discovered the affair almost 60 days ago, and I have been hanging on to my marriage. My husband often mentions how confused he is. We take steps forward, then several back. He will mention long term things he wishes to do to the house, trips he wants to take with our son and I, and recently he had a family member pass away. He mentioned that he did not want the OW to come to anything in regards to that family member. I planned the visitation, funeral, everything. He said after that the OW would have never done everything I have done. He also mentioned that if he was in a similar situation to what his deceased family member just faced that he could not fight like she did and apologized for not feeling the strength she had. He has been staying home a couple nights a week, and that is slowly increasing. He and the OW have not had sex, but they have messed around… but that is all they have done. It is more of an emotional affair because at this point she is barely touching him… he says that she is more of a best friend and that the idea of losing the friend makes him sad. He also says that he needs to come home but that he does not know how and worries that I will hold this all against him. We have been together a long time and I just want my husband back fully…
HI Betrayed 123, thanks for your comment. Of course everyone is different, but in general I would have to say that based on your description, your husband is showing signs of coming out of the fog. If you feel he’s trying to get closer to you and your family, talks about the future together, feels guilt and remorse, agrees to counseling, etc. those are all fairly good signs. I’m unclear whether or not the affair has ended, but that is a very important first step. Here’s a link to some more affair fog related articles: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/?s=affair+fog
Hi, I discovered my husband of 20 years affair abut 9 weeks ago. It had been going on for 4 months prior. I had suspicions but he always told me it was in my head and that he would not do that. His AP is his Manager as the two of them work very closely. They had been having a sexual relationship during that four months but I think it is now more emotional, but I don’t know for sure. He is home at night and weekends with myself and the kids but he is adamant he is in love and needs to follow his feelings and is planning to leave the family (although he has no plan) to be with his AP who by the way is also married. I have a feeling she is using him to look good on this project and they have spun so many lies I don’t know what to believe. They talk on a secret app all the time although he has changed his passwords on his phone and they obviously work together every day. I have read so much on the affair fog and he is textbook. No one can reason with him, he is like he is a completely different person and I feel like I am absolutely losing my mind – I totally obsess over this whole thing and just can’t seem to get past it. I am trying to be positive and look after myself and my children but I can’t eat, sleep and have lost so much weight it is crazy. He is seeing a therapist, actually the whole family is in therapy as my children are older and we are all devastated as we never saw this coming. He says it wasn’t our marriage or me and that he still loves us all but he is not in love with me anymore but still thinks of me as his best friend. He said their was something missing in him or a purpose and doesn’t know what it is or how he got here. He is so conflicted he talks about our future then he says he is moving out and I seem to just go in circles. I am not ready to give up on our marriage but I don’t know what else to do.
Hi Devastated,
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I know this post is old, but has any progress been made on your husband’s front?