When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife

when the other woman becomes the wifeWhen affair partners get married does it really turn out to be as wonderful as they thought it was going to be?  Read more for the perspective of a woman who married her affair partner.

As I mentioned in a post earlier this summer, I not too long ago discovered that a friend of ours – who just recently divorced – suddenly ran off and married his affair partner.

This discovery motivated me to search for some stories of when the other woman becomes the wife.  I found the following on Dr. Willard Harley’s Marriage Builders website.  If you’re not familiar with Dr. Harley, he is the author of several books such as Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.

I feel that this woman’s account of her situation is very powerful and should be read by anyone involved in an affair – especially if they think that a future life with their affair partner will be nothing but a blissful bowl of cherries.

Featured Download: “The Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Affair Partner Now”

If you’re the unfaithful, get it, read it and carefully consider the advice. If you’re the betrayed, give it to your unfaithful spouse.

 

Of course there are exceptions and a happy marriage to the affair partner is possible, but I think that many of the issues that the author shares will arise in their “new” relationship at some point.  They will no doubt put a lot of stress on the relationship.

When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife

When an Other Woman Becomes the Wife

Chances are that things will get stressful when the other woman becomes the wife.

“My perspective is from that of the other woman (OW) who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW [betrayed wife]. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the bitch for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the bitch that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are, you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you…you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’T HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise that you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that is.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!…”

 

We’d love to hear your comments and/or related experiences about this author’s words of warning  in the comment section below.

 

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565 Responses to When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife

  1. chiffchaff September 6, 2012 at 9:11 am #

    Crikey, that’s a fairly damning piece. Not convinced that an OW/OM in the throes of an affair will give two figs about the consequences and what the likely relationship will be like. In the same way that CSs don’t give two figs about the likely consequences.
    I think that the more important points are that a CS leaving for the AP has really taken the easy way out of their personal issues and not addressed them, which is why I presume there’s a belief that CSs will do it again to the AP at some point down the line. That’s a more important consideration for the AP, to stop thinking about how it feels now and start asking ‘why is this person not finishing their marriage first before starting a relationship with me?’ – but that would mean valuing themselves, which I don’t think APs do really. Choosing to be a secret third party simply shows a complete lack of self-esteem (something that took me a long time to realise). BSs may incur a devastating blow to their self-esteem on discovery but at least they weren’t as low as to choose that path in the first place.

    • ocanas September 7, 2012 at 9:38 am #

      ChiiChaff, I Completely agree on the ” Choosing to be a secret third party simply shows a complete lack of self-esteem ….” it was SO true in my wife’s affair!

      • Peaches February 23, 2016 at 6:59 pm #

        The husband I had left me just like he did the first after 25 years for someone else. You reap what you sow. Only the first wife felt sorry for me.

      • Sam April 8, 2016 at 9:02 am #

        What happened with your wife’s affair, did it last???

      • Diamond Lopez June 12, 2017 at 12:05 pm #

        I am a very forgiving compassionate Women. I have been through extensive therapy for a couple years. My now 17 year old Son is barely beginning to feel safe enough to speak with me again. The Affair Partner and my Ex husband lied to him so much he went a lota crazy for a few years. Trying to get revenge on his Dad and step mother bitch who wrecked a happy home. No not perfect but damed near!…
        We were a Good family a strong family intact!
        But the demon bitch thought she was better than me. He is unhappily married to his affair partner Very insecure and she too. He even calls her a bitch in front of our two children. They both deserve the bitter miserableness but I only feel sorry for our kids and the step kids… The Affair Partners Own Sons call her a whore! They hate their step Daddy! My ex it was a very bad decision and neither retarded idiot stopped to think how this would affect or effect the kids involved!… My ex told our children that she makes him happy… He failed to tell our children he still loved me. And failed to tell them he had an affair on his brand new wife with me. Not because I have low self esteem. Nope she needed to go through what she put me through. See for herself just exactly what kind of man My ex really is…lmfao I don’t feel any regret no remorse for fucking up her marriage …she never did for me so Karma came and hit her like LoL
        ilent run away Train… I know it He knows it God knows the truth. Mr Lopez is a cheater and will never stop…LoL
        I was hitting what already was mine… She is in a fake marriage to my husband he still wants and loves me. I’m baby’s mama she could never take my place. LoL
        That’s Karma bitches I won’t ever let up just like she didn’t… I’m gonna get with her baby daddy too

        • Danni July 1, 2017 at 11:12 am #

          Yes, the AP can always say “no, not with me, you don’t” but I just can’t understand why the wives don’t see it is 1000%, the husband. I was an AP, but I didn’t know he was living with a woman for whom he had left his prior 2x ex-wife. He wasn’t even married to her, but when I learned he lived with someone, whom he then said , “I love her and I am never leaving her”, and that answer was to a question I hadn’t even asked, I ended it. He had told me, “I think I love you, in person and via email. I was badly wounded-5 years and still healing. It’s really hard and long when you think you love someone. Serendipity, the ex-wife and I found each other and lo and behold-this man was a many, many times serial cheater. Imagine that. Surprise. He is with the AP and cheats on her-with me. There is no getting away from it-once a cheater, always one, till green peas are dripping down his chin while being spoon fed in his wheelchair. Or, maybe not, cuz if he still has his mental faculties, he could cheat in an emotional affair if not physically. These are people who have true diagnosable character disorders. But, they fool normal people, because trusting someone is normal, until you reason to distrust the individual. So, I was hurt, but I am still blessed because G-D made me normal.

    • Vanessa February 13, 2017 at 5:49 pm #

      What is the CS and the AP ?

      • Doug February 14, 2017 at 9:05 am #

        CS = Cheating spouse
        AP = Affair Partner

  2. Dave September 6, 2012 at 10:30 am #

    My wife’s OM says that he thought everything would peaches and gravy once they married. Our kid would be fine and I would move on peacefully and we’d all be friends again. My wife says she tried to envision a life with him, and did for a while, but the idea of our son going through a messy divorce and life with a step-day is one of the things that brought her back to reality – a little.

    Of course, the damage was nearly the same anyway when I caught her as “his” house and sadly had my 7 year old son in the car. It wasn’t pretty. (She denied she was having an affair, which was a huge lie.)

    The trauma was devastating for all of us, but probably most for our son because he was the least able to deal with it. That is when he pulled away from her. They weren’t close again and it affected their relationship for the last 14 years – until this year when she confessed. The fallout from that confession again affected my now 21 year old son, as well as my younger son, who is 11 and wasn’t even alive when all that went down. Nevertheless, her selfish and destructive behavior has affected our entire family and both of our sons are soon to go into therapy.

    As for the OM, my former best friend, he’s now married with young children. When I contacted him to confront him, I shared the fact of what their actions have done to me and my children. He claims he threw up. I can only hope that his conscience, remorse, and regret were really that strong, but too bad they weren’t then when it counted.

    • yvonne May 9, 2015 at 6:16 pm #

      People when you decide whether or not to comment, please remember to brace yourself for negative responses. Compassion is needed. Sometimes people may actually be searching for sound advice to move forward. Name calling is not necessary. I understand that we can be bitter. But please don’t spend your whole life hating and wishing ill on others.Move on! God is the judge and trust me everyone will be judged. Whose to say anyone has the right to judge?

      • cynthia July 21, 2015 at 5:59 pm #

        Yvonne – YES!!!! You are exactly right!!!

      • yvonne November 19, 2015 at 11:44 am #

        People when I read these replies my question is do you ladies understand how funny men look at you when you bicker with one another over them. Trust me after years of observation this is the break down: The majority of men laugh at their own behavior.. The next group move on to the next conquest. Some want confusion and chaos. Then the little 5% are content. My suggestion is the best medicine is to take revenge by living life and being happy. Trust God will see you through. And also because trust me the average donkey is still kicking up his leg and showing their rear to the next. Men hardly ever break friendship over women.

      • christine June 10, 2016 at 12:08 am #

        shut up!

      • Sirpa August 17, 2016 at 7:28 pm #

        Yvonne,

        You feel sympathy for the offender and don’t feel sorry for the devastated people left behind….I wonder if you were not involved in destroying a family yourself…
        Let those who betray be called by their name, so that the curious readers can fully understand the consequences of such behavior, and do all they can not to fall into such category of dumb and destructive people.

    • ariella May 9, 2015 at 11:58 pm #

      Are you two still married? People are all too human and make mistakes. I feel the 21 year old should have come to terms with this long ago. The 11 year old shouldn’t even know about this, whether you guys are still married or not. Hope you guys can work this out, you deserve to be happy.

      • cynthia July 21, 2015 at 5:50 pm #

        Ariella, I agree with you about the kids involvement. Especially the 11 year old. Your can’t carry things around forever, and need to move on, also hope they have this worked out, too.

      • Kathrine May 18, 2016 at 6:26 pm #

        You don’t always have a choice. My spouse cheated with one of the mother’s on my child’s soccer team. No one was silent about why the team was breaking up and my 11 year old wanted the truth. I did not lie to my child. Kind of hard to when her father is with her best friend’s mother. What would you like for us to do? Honesty is something I’m teaching my daughters. We dealt with what happened to our family with honesty and therapy. She didn’t need details but she also wasn’t stupid. My oldest doesn’t want anything to do with the woman and my youngest says that she “doesn’t have a choice. Dad said it’s his life even though he knows I don’t want to be around her.” Children have feelings and we should be adult enough to help them deal with this stuff. Pretending it didn’t happen would NOT have helped either child when everyone in our small world was talking about it.

        • Brinze February 27, 2017 at 1:49 pm #

          Good response. I’m amazed at how many folks think that further lying and covert behavior HELPS the victims! Only GOD has the power and wisdom to cover our transgressions, as HE sees fit! For those who have been shredded by this behavior, we know how deeply children of any age are affected, even way before all the activity is exposed!! The lying causes further confusion and hopelessness!!! Honesty, folks… cloaked in age appropriateness and common sense, is by far the best policy!!

      • Shannon February 10, 2017 at 9:26 pm #

        Arielle, my father had an affair when I was 14. I’ve done therapy, self help, personal growth- you name it, I’ve done it. The affair changed the trajectory and direction of my entire life. I am fortunate not be a victim of drugs or suicide. I am 37 now. I only forgave the affair woman 22 months ago. My father has still not forgiven himself. My parents are still married. Dream all you want that this doesn’t impact the kids. My siblings were 2 and 4. They were both impacted as well but it didn’t begin to show until they were in high school. Affairs have rippling impacts that extend well beyond the family unit.

        • Vanessa February 13, 2017 at 5:58 pm #

          Shannon, my daughter is 13 and has known for the last 3 years that my husband has been having an affair with a married woman who has two children of her own.

          She came to our house as a guest with full intention of seducing him.

          I am worried about the impact this has on my daughter. She has withdrawn from her father, shuns him and won’t do anything with him.

          When the affair started, she was 10. She overheard us arguing and tearfully asked him “You will never leave me Papa?”.

          I worry she’s now in a depression about the situation in our family and will never trust anyone. I am looking for a therapist for her.

          The affair is still going on – he is with her as I type this.
          He denies it and repeats that he only works with her and he won’t discuss it.
          This is his mantra and his shield.
          I have proof.

          • Tina March 7, 2017 at 9:55 pm #

            Please seek counseling for yourself. Your daughter is learning how women should be treated in a marriage by you. You are showing her that it is acceptable to have a partner who distespects you, your health, your marriage and your family. I say this as someone who was cheated on by my husband. Please take responsibility for how you are affecting your daughter as well.

          • Shannon April 20, 2017 at 2:36 pm #

            You need to ask him to move out. You are enabling the affair by being okay with it. Letting him eat his cake too. Trust me. When you ask him to move out, he will blame the AP for his loss, and it will hurt their relationship. Her claws will then come out, she will become more needy and clingy, and their relationship will fall apart. Ask him to move out with dignity, and no arguing. Tell him that he is selfishly hurting your family and you want him gone. Ask him to start packing. Have relative come over and help him move. Tell the children that you are working things out but need to be separate. Let him WIN you back.

            Even if he does choose the other women, he will resent her for making him lose you. And he most likely will come back to you. If you will take him back. I would. Because you just made a stand, he now knows it is not acceptable, and that will keep this from happening again.

          • Shelly June 6, 2017 at 5:37 pm #

            Why are you still with him?

        • Heidi July 9, 2017 at 10:34 pm #

          Thank you for sharing my son was 2 when my ex husband of 17 yrs left us for OW who got pregnant and married her. This is devastating and heart breaking how the children are forever impacted. My dad also cheated on my mom.

    • kitty December 13, 2016 at 11:08 pm #

      I hope you find peace

    • Pino December 14, 2016 at 1:11 am #

      David I wish I could see you face to face.
      My former wife cheated on me too!
      You expressed yourself in a way that I understand exactly how you feel. And really, there are no words to really express exactly how you feel.
      I pray for justice. God how I pray for justice.
      There is no dout in my mind after three years she got caught she has some kind of remorse. We were together 20 years.
      Big Italian wedding, Big family traditions
      She and her adaulter are hated not only by all sides of the familes and friends but also in our community.
      She’s alone now. When she was out with her adaulter in the comunitiy , everyone knew about their affair and if they didn’t know, their family members told them there cheaters. They no longer hangout together without getting a look that could kill according to the Italian community, churches, nabourhoods, families, nabours, friends even our three children.
      Their conspiracy back fired 🔥 on them.
      They thought they were smart, cleaver and they could out smart first me then their families and friends. Wrong.
      It was humiliating for them. Even if they put up a front, it’s too late. Everyone knows about them and now when they see them, people turn the other way as if she/they don’t exist.
      Shame shame shame.
      They blame me for all there troubles. Now that my divorce is finalized and I’m not in the picture it’s not as exiting for them anymore because now it’s all about them.
      The adaulter wanted to be this big shot politician in our community build up a name for himself and she followed him so she could be in the big lights 💡.
      Well….Their affair has been exposed in bright 🔆 🔆 🔆 lights and they did build up a big name for themselves, but it wouldn’t be a name that would make their mothers proud.
      That’s for sure.
      God bless them. They need it.

  3. Carol September 6, 2012 at 10:58 am #

    Wow, just wow. Hindsight is 20/20. I’m actually grateful to the author of this piece, whoever and wherever she is. It may not affect those OMs/OWs who are deep in the fog, deep enough to truly believe that their love is ‘special’ or the CS they’re with is ‘different.’ But if it stops even one OM/OW in his/her tracks, it will be worth it.

    As a child, I lived through my parents’ divorce, a divorce that resulted from my father’s cheating with and then marrying an OW, and I can vouch for kids’ lingering resentment of and anger towards the OW. There was nothing she could do to ever make me soften towards her. Nothing. I absolutely hated her deep down. And she and my father fought endlessly over us, his biological children. I saw first-hand what a marriage built on cheating looks like, and from my perspective as a kid watching it from the inside, I can say this author is spot-on. My father’s second marriage was an absolute and total disaster; it quite literally destroyed him. And she too was broken at the end. My mother, meanwhile, went on to remarry a good guy with whom she just celebrated 30 years of wedlock. I think more stories like this author’s need to get out there; maybe more people would wake up to the reality of what they’re about to do and would NOT pull that trigger!

    Dave, I hope your kids do get good therapy. My heart goes out to them.

    • ex's daughter January 27, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

      My father left for the other woman as well, and I can not begin to describe the emotional roller coaster I was thrown into. With that being said, most of the mistresses in these cases do not give a rats ass about the kids. My father’s ‘new wife” loved to hurt my sister and I. She forbid my father to see us, or even have pictures of us for that matter. He ditched us. They had the son he always wanted, and we went ten years without speaking. My father became ill, and had his leg amputated. Ofcourse this was more than she could handle, and she took his money and left him and my brother for some guy. I really felt for my little brother and reconnected with my father, mainly to get to know my little bro. My stepmother came back after the guy she left with went back to his wife and left her high and dry. My father took her back, and we haven’t spoken in 5 months. It’s fine with me. We live in the same neighborhood and my brother comes over from time to time. My point is this, don’t assume the person you are cheating with cares about your kids, most cases they do not. That’s why if you want to opt out of your marriage, try to as gracefully as you can, especially if you have kids. You are responsible for their well being. You are their parent, not the person you are cheating with. Most women who go after married men feel like it’s a triumph over the ex wife and her kids. At least in my case, and many others. Thank God she didn’t want us around, can you imagine how she would’ve treated us? I shutter to think. But out of all this, I can say, I love my brother, he’s awesome. 🙂

      • LILA July 14, 2014 at 5:51 pm #

        I’m sorry for your loss but you ought to know that not all of us, the so-called “other woman” are the mean stepmother you describe. I am a good woman and I met a guy some years ago, he was apparently trapped in a horrible marriage and had a daughter, I got to know her and I adored her. The wife, as a matter of fact was a horrible person, (not because I thought so, nobody liked her in her circles). We got to marry and she spoke the worst things about me to the girl, while I tried to get to know her better. We had a little boy and I always encouraged Nina (the daughter) to come and see us. The ex wife never really wanted to, but in the end, she realized (Nina) I was a good person and that somehow I just saved her father from a failed marriage. Bottom line is not everybody is as the description. Not all of us are looking to destroy anyone. Sometimes life doesn’t give you things the way you would like to. I never planned to “steal” anybody, we just fell in love. I’ve seen many other stories like mine, many men and women that have been trapped in a bad marriage and have been able to find true love in somebody else. Some of them, even ex-es and children have managed to get along very well. The way the person that allegedly writes the “experience” in the article seems to have had a bad one, it doesn’t necessarily happen to everyone. Definitely, not all of us fit the “b****” profile as they say. Some of us even end up being more loved than the ex, cause we are all human beings and yes, sh*** happens but sometimes it is worse to stay and sacrifice your life with someone you just don’t love. Kids can also tell (at least smart ones) when this happens. I’ve heard many kids saying, they are happy for their parents when they have found their true love (even when it is not their own “left” parent), cause they seem to be much better people with the new partner. Life is not perfect and each story is different from each other. I hate to read this kind of stuff, showing so much bitter, anger and hate. Grow up people, no one owns no one, when someone was made for each other, life is wise and no matter what you say, it makes them both meet. People deserve to be happy. Cheers.

        • Know your true colors July 14, 2014 at 11:13 pm #

          Said like a true homewrecking whore. Congrats on getting your claws in a married man and “helping” him to move on. So kind of you. No matter how you try to sugar coat it, you were and are WRONG. Of course the wife was a horrible person. What else would you two tell yourselves so that you can reason with what you did. Of course you wouldn’t face the truth because in your heart you know what you did was wrong. One day you will pay for it. It never lasts you know. Not when you meet that way. I hope you both die a horrible slow death 🙂

          • Aamina August 7, 2014 at 10:45 pm #

            Wow you are a horrible person for wishing death on someone else.
            I’ve been cheated on but that doesn’t mean my ex deserves to die a slow horrible death.

            You’re a really bitter and crappy person.

            • Agree with colors August 8, 2014 at 10:32 am #

              Looks like you are still hanging on waiting for him to come back. Just because a person doesn’t feel the way you feel doesn’t make them a horrible person. Keep hanging on….let us know how that works out for you.

            • Tonja September 19, 2014 at 12:05 pm #

              I believe Colors is reacting to an absurd assertion to make a point.

              It is the same self-congratulatory message both of my OW step-mothers parroted until my father did the same thing to them…

              You call Colors “bitter” because you lack insight and apparently the intelligence to recognize hyperbole.

            • Lauradoesn'tlie May 11, 2016 at 12:24 am #

              Agree with colors. Walk a mile in the kids shoes.. a Any relationship started on lies no matter will my work. The truth sets us free.

            • Ishy October 25, 2016 at 9:03 am #

              Her answer was harsh, but on point. The AP completely devastates the BS. Especially when kids are involved.

              In my case, I said, “If you want him take him. He obviously doesn’t want me.” But now, I am the mother of his children. He moved 90 miles away to be with her and complains he has no time for his kids. My kids seem fine enough. I just don’t mention him. Every once and a while the kids will ask, “Doesn’t Dad get us on Mondays?” Sorry kids. It all depends on his schedule.

              There were things that could have been improved in our marriage, but it seemed solid. I don’t get a break and, yes, that’s my issue, but it is hard for me to think about how things would be if she hadn’t come along. We probably would not have got divorced. Donno if unsolved issues would have been fixed or not, but the kids had their dad.

              I am extremely resentful. I don’t want my ex back. But I don’t like being a single mom 24/7. I didn’t plan for it and it wasn’t my choice. He is with her kids more than ours and it breaks my heart that a woman can come between a man and his children.

          • Tonja September 19, 2014 at 12:06 pm #

            I’ll buy a ticket to that Colors.

          • Disgusted February 18, 2015 at 10:59 am #

            You are a bitter and spiteful, evil person. I lack neither insight nor intelligence. Infidelity is often a symptom of a broken marriage. Both spouses are responsible for those problems. It takes two to work and two to fail. When will you stop blaming and take a little responsibility?

            • sammy February 18, 2015 at 7:28 pm #

              Disgusted – “”It takes two to work and two to fail”. That may be true, but that is something the TWO of them have to work out. A third person added to the mix is an interfering person. How is third person helping with working out the marriage? Leave them alone to work it out. If the marriage ends up failing, then he/she will be free…but NOT before. Lila writes: “I was a good person and that somehow I just saved her (the daughter’s) father from a failed marriage” What you fail to understand is that NO ONE needs to SAVE someone from a failed marriage – that’s justification in your own mind so that you don’t have to face the reality that you interfered in someone else;s marriage. Let the marriage fail if it’s destined to…free from distractions. I’m sorry if you’re lonely or have your own issues – it’s your responsibility to get a life and not interfere in someone else’s. No one is “trapped” and it’s not your job to “free” him/her. Read Carol and Ex’s daughter – and understand the havoc to the family an OW/OM creates for the family. Cheaters by definition are selfish because they put themselves first. Negotiate the end of the marriage if that’s what you want – don’t cheat. Cheaters are cowards.

              • No Excuses June 12, 2015 at 1:24 am #

                Kudos to you sammy. You are spot on. A cheating spouse is ultimately the most responsible for the affair but what about the affair partner????? When you know that someone is Married and you willingly step into the affair what does that make you. Responsible as well and just as guilty. Like I said in my earlier post you can justify anything. If you’re any kind of decent human being you back the hell out of getting involved with a married man. And I totally agree it’s pretty hard to work on a marriage when you have 3rd party involvement I know firsthand. There were times when I got the text message that the AP was sending my husband and I tried to appeal to her as a decent human being and I Asked her how would you like this being done to you??back off And let us work out what’s going on but of course she was too selfish to do that. And he was too emotionally selfish and needy to stop and instead blamed me for what were very fixable problems. The affair partner always thinks it’s going to be different with them and that they can love your spouse better than you can. Just mind games and lies Cheaters tell themselves.

              • Anne October 24, 2015 at 1:13 am #

                I was cheated on and have a teenage daughter who is soon to have OW as stepmom. You have no idea the hell we have been through. Cheating is never the answer. If the marriage is bad, the spouse should leave before having affair. I worked full time, went to grad school, did the vast majority of the housework. While my cheating spouse worked part time and had an affair. I was doing laundry while he was havin sex with the OW. I was working while he and the other woman were watching a movie together. I was payin bills while he and the other woman were on a trip together. Are you starting to get the picture of how unfair cheating is? My daughter has been through hell. My ex only wanted one child, so we had one child. I wanted another child and my daughter wanted a sibling. The woman he had the affair with has two children. How do you think this fact made my daughter and me feel? Dad doesn’t want another one like you but is fine to take on someone else’s children. It broke my daughter’s heart. The new woman’s children are young and my daughter a teenager, so my daughter feels more like a babysitter than a friend.

              • you poor victims November 10, 2015 at 6:39 pm #

                Is this the husband’s fault or the other woman? It is HIM who was in the marriage and chose to step out. If you want to blame anyone, blame him. Get over yourselves. You all sound so bitter. If you nurtured your marriages none of this would have happened. Take some responsibility. Look into yourself and the truth of what you might see will set you free. Let your ex and his new partner move on. You are the one who is not welcome in the picture anymore.

                • cheatersneverprosper December 16, 2015 at 2:11 pm #

                  I was not nurtured yet I did not cheat. I have no problem letting my ex move on. Good riddance!

                • Joy February 16, 2016 at 10:14 pm #

                  Why are you here, You Poor Victims? You sound like the ignorant, immature home wrecker that my husband is now with. Then you say “Namaste?” Are you serious? Please go somewhere, and take your ignorance with you. Do us another favor as well. If you haven’t done so yet, don’t breed, and don’t get married. Obviously you don’t understand what a marriage is suppose to be. Thanks!

                  • Tasha December 12, 2016 at 2:15 am #

                    100%
                    Relationships are for 2
                    But sum Bitches can’t count….😂
                    I left my hubby 6 yrs now just to give him space so I’m not used n abused in his reel of infidelity as it was always denied but the world new..I felt violated but his not changed his love for me.. I’m still the queen with all the benifits he runs the business dat runs my luxury home n lifestyle while he sits in the old home.. My kids n I are put 1st .. This OW was treated to a holiday dey met accidents n never persude with pilgrims 😂God does not look at sinners.. Over the phone he heard our heartache n tears after finding out his with a women he was so broken he cut the trip an constantly called every day buying me stuff.. Now did it have to take that holiday away to realize the importance of his family???..wel watever I had to be strong an give pure love to see this day workout. Mind u this is after our divorce.. We don’t live together but today is our 17th anniversary an we flooded with msgs coz all thru our turbulence I never gave up on us .. We have kids dat bonds us for life..
                    OW please think…

                • Honestly tired March 16, 2016 at 11:42 pm #

                  I seriously think you are the cheater that hooked up with my ex the cheater. That’s the same crapbshe sent me in an unsolicited email when she discovered that I knew about her. My thought is this. She is cruel and had a damaged life to get to the point that she tears apart and involves herself in someone else’s family. And he is cruel and mean as well to think so little of his families feelings. Can’t say I did anything to her or to him to deserve their cruelty but I’ve survived. Funny thing is he keeps contacting me. So. I’m not sure if telling someone to get on with their lives really works when you don’t end relationships with respect and kindness.

                • Angie March 26, 2016 at 8:42 pm #

                  This story and the majority of responses are ridiculously black & white, pathetically judgemental and bitter. Take some f’n responsibility in a failed marriage. It takes two. Victims are so unattractive.

                  Choose happy. Let go and let God. Grow. Up. No one knows the real dynamics of a failed marriage except the two people it. And obviously from the contents of this story and comments, many chose the blame game.

                  • BetrayedFamily December 10, 2016 at 9:32 pm #

                    Angie, you truly have no idea what you are talking about. The unfaithful spouse usually has no idea why the marriage failed. Marital problems don’t cause affairs. Both people live in the same marriage, but typically only one has an affair. Affairs are caused by something inside of the unfaithful, usually something rooted in some deep childhood trauma that he/she never worked through, and a lack of boundaries. And for the OW/OM, it’s a lack of respect for boundaries and usually their own emotional unhealthiness. You all could learn a lot from affairrecovery.com

                  • Carolyn April 4, 2017 at 8:57 pm #

                    I don’t wish bad on people, but you surely will reap what you sow. You have NO idea until it happens to you, and I’m sure it will. You aren’t just head over heels in love with someone and the next day that love is gone. That’s not how it works. There should never, ever be a reason for cheating. Be the responsible person you should be and talk about things and work it out or figure it out, but don’t go off with someone else while your spouse is waiting at home for you. Admit that it’s wrong. Either someone does something they shouldn’t be and ruins their marriage, or a person comes along and ruins a couple’s marriage. If it’s not meant to be, then it will work itself through. But, NEVER cheat!

                • Nikki July 8, 2016 at 1:51 am #

                  Gas lighting

                • Stephano October 17, 2016 at 11:24 pm #

                  Thank you for speaking the truth!!! They are all biased and selfishly looking at there own situation as to why something so horrible could happen to them, while all the while blaming the OW, the husband and God knows (pointing the finger)!!! To all the blamers how bout taking a long look in the mirror and truly asking yourselves why the person cheated on you to begin with!!! Yea I’m pretty sure any of you had anything to do with your other half stepping out….bahahaha…what a joke!

                  • Danni October 23, 2016 at 2:17 pm #

                    the individual with whom this happened to me did some very dishonest things to hide the fact of his living with arrangement, ha, with the woman he had cheated with when he was married. So many stories of how terrible the ex-wife was, and never a word about the affair partner he was now living with in an intimate arrangement. AND THEN the truth came out, and surprise, surprise, the affair partner was also a horrible woman. But more truth emerged and she was a “horrible” woman with a sum of money that far exceeded his, and his earning capacity. In fact, he unwittingly revealed himself when once told me, “I was down to my last $100.00 and she (OW) bailed me out.” Mr. Cellophane. And about me? Very hurt and angry, still to this day and still pulling myself out of the deep depression triggered once again, that I had overcome after many years of grief over the cancer death of my beloved husband. It has crossed my mind that people like this are sent into our lives to give us the self-knowledge about ourselves-how good, decent, moral, we actually are.

                • Ishy October 25, 2016 at 9:15 am #

                  It’s easier said than done. It is comparable to forgiving ISIS and just letting them be. It grinds you no matter how hard you try to stop yourself.

                  Judging by your comment, I imagine you get in many arguments. Just think of how you feel when they are left unresolved. I’m sure you steam for days. Now lets pretend it’s a bigger issue than fighting for your right to use a bathroom with your same sex.

                  We try…we try to put ourselves in your shoes. Try a different perspective before making such comments. It is easy to not be bitter if you were not wronged.

              • Corinne June 13, 2017 at 8:53 am #

                Very well said

            • Nikki July 8, 2016 at 1:58 am #

              Infidelity is most often the result of not dealing with Family of Origin issues the part of the cheater not on a bad marriage.

            • Kim August 15, 2016 at 1:45 pm #

              If it’s a broken marriage partners try to fix it. If it’s not fixable then partners decide together what’s best for the both of you and y’all’s family! Cheating is nothing but a selfish cowards way out looking for someone else to fix what your lacking and your issues with yourself!
              You didn’t say I do just for the BETTER! Or just for the HEALTH! You didn’t promise to HATE! Not to CHERISH! Nor promise to DISHONOR
              More importantly you didn’t promise your vows for a year, 5 yrs 10 yrs or 25 yrs! Chances are it wasn’t the first time to cheat! It’s not fair to your family nor a 3rd person that they are not given a say so about their life! You owe it to your family to make it as easy and help them thru a difficult time! And not carry your baggage into a other as THE VICTIM! Take care of your responsibilities first. You never stop being a parent. And the OW STAY OUT until he takes care of his business !

            • Excuses October 23, 2016 at 2:08 pm #

              Fyi it takes 2 to make a marriage work & it could take only 1 Person to refuse to do the labor to help restore the marriage which will in turn prevent a marriage from surviving. People tend to think that it is both spouses who take part in the demise of the marriage but that’s not always the case. A lot of times its the straying spouses personal insecurities & emptiness that caused he/she to stray; which has nothing to do with the bs or their marriage. Now start a topic on tha!

              • Rosa December 5, 2016 at 1:26 pm #

                exactly,those who cheat are cowards and empty inside. They are the most selfish persons ever. They do not only cheat their spouse but their own children!

            • Elizarsnow December 7, 2016 at 3:57 pm #

              It takes to people to make a marriage, but one person can destroy a marriage all by him/herself.

            • owl March 30, 2017 at 12:11 pm #

              NO. Infidelity is NOT the symptom of a broken marriage. And NO- both spouses are NOT responsible for those problems. It does take two to make a marriage work, but it only takes ONE for the marriage to fail. NOW- take responsibility of your own horrid deeds. Infidelity is a symptom of TWO broken people- the CS and the AP. TWO people are responsible – the CS and the AP. TWO people are to blame- the CS and the AP. TWO people need to own up to their horrid actions and take a WHOLE LOT of responsibility- the CS and the AP. Whatever may or may not have been going on in the marriage is none of the AP’s business- nor does it justify the nasty actions of AP. A marriage is hard work- for the TWO (not the three) in the marriage, If the CS is not working on it- then it is ONE person who is abandoning the work- not two. DO NOT compound your selfish and cruel behavior by dishing crap on the BS just so you can feel better about yourself and justify your unforgivable behavior. If the marriage was not working, DIVORCE always comes first in ethical and well adjusted people. An affair is NEVER acceptable. Period.

              • Carolyn April 4, 2017 at 8:50 pm #

                Perfect, perfect answer!

              • Danni April 5, 2017 at 9:39 am #

                It will always be necessary to know before a judgment is made about the OW if she knew the CS was married or in some other (as he said when I became suspicious), “committed” relationship. How can a person be in a committed relationship without commitment? What I learned was he committed to her money, her house, her wherewithal, her basement to keep all his woodworking tools and equipment. I once received an email from him wherein he wrote, “I have a bond with my tools”. I was just another tool and so was the woman he was cheating on.

          • kk February 24, 2015 at 5:43 pm #

            thank you!!! I was livid when I read her little rationalization. spoken like a truly self centered idiot. We make choices & nothing “just happens”… idiot.

          • ariella May 8, 2015 at 2:26 am #

            Wow. You are such a venomous person. Scarier than any horror movie I have ever watched. You need help, and I truly hope you are able to find it. This whole sight is very unrealistic and very preachy! Sincerely, all that venom is toxic. I hope you find some kind of peace and closure.

            • Lisa May 8, 2015 at 9:45 am #

              The whole site is unrealistic? LMAO!! Have you not read what infidelity has done to everyone who is commenting? I have to think you are a homewrecker. One who believes you found your true love am I correct? Im sure you were destined to be together too right? LOL!! What you homewreckers have done is TOXIC. Why are you even here?? To try to justify what you have done? Buzz off.

              • ariella May 9, 2015 at 4:35 am #

                You “have to think” blah blah blah. Such a deep thinker you are. Thanks for the entertainment.

                • Lisa May 9, 2015 at 9:56 am #

                  No response on the homewrecker. Typical. Like we didn’t already know what you are. A homewrecker and a troll. Why do you even come here? To bash the people that were cheated on? Does that make you feel better about yourself? It’s ok. You will get yours 🙂 It always happens you know. There is no avoiding it LMAO! Adios. I have no time for whores like you.

                  • ariella May 9, 2015 at 10:51 am #

                    All joking aside, take a good look at what you just said. I am a whore, a troll and a homewrecker. Based on what? You say I bash people, who exactly? I don’t know any of you guys, and I haven’t called anyone names. Oh, and “I’ll get mine?” You say I need to feel better about myself? Sorry to disappoint, but I feel okay. All that venom directed because of a different opinion on how to handle a problem.

                    • Lisa May 9, 2015 at 11:34 am #

                      You came on here telling people they are venomous and attacked them and made fun of them for how they feel. Only self-centered, self-righteous people would do that. Amazing how you didn’t like it done back to you isn’t it? I could care less who you are or what you do. Buzz off and leave these people alone. They come here to tell their story and you came here to judge them. Who are you to judge! That’s why you are a TROLL. I will no longer respond to you. I know exactly what you are and how you are trying to make yourself feel better for your actions.

                    • No Excuses June 12, 2015 at 1:43 am #

                      Out of curiosity ariella,
                      What brings you to this site? I suspect you have not had to go through the pain of being cheated on. If you had you might not be so quick to judgement.
                      Yes these are a very strong Comments they are from people who have had their lives ripped apart or witnessed other lives that have been shattered because of infidelity.
                      I consider myself to be reasonable and rational and a good God fearing woman, but Honestly I could beat the hell out of my very very recent ex for what he has done to me and my life my Daughter and my grandchildren. I have lost my family my home, my vehicle, possessions, money.
                      Infidelity is traumatic do some research.
                      The prisons are full of people who have committed crimes of passion, people have turned to alcohol and drugs prescription medication. Betrayed spouses have lost jobs, haven’t been able to function. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the pain that infidelity causes! So if you are on this site for mere entertainment then please just read and keep your comments to yourself. And remember, it’s very easy to sit back and judge others if it hasn’t happened to you. When it happens to you, let us know how peaceful and calm you feel, and oh well things happen. Let us know how that works FORYOU!

                    • anonymous September 22, 2015 at 9:12 am #

                      ariella ‘
                      WOW really ?? GOD will judge you for being like JEZZEBELL you let the devil in you .. you know it and everyone else here know ‘s it you are lying to yourself thinking your so special LOL ” do you believe in GOD ? GOD HATES divorce .. GOD says divorce is mans LAW not his every time you have sex you commit adultery ‘ adultery and sin against GOD and his holly ordinance SO JEZ E JIT hope this helps no one want ‘s to hear from the bride of lies no one so skank back to the man you think loves you it’s just a matter of time you too will feel the pain of being deceived lied to and his extended family will say that you deserve it kama is a real BITCH

              • cynthia July 30, 2015 at 5:55 pm #

                Lisa: Your really seem to attack people who may have a different take on situations on this site. You accuse people and make statements that you cannot possibly know about or even back up. You don’t seem like a well meaning person to me.

            • Nikki July 8, 2016 at 1:54 am #

              Gas lighting

          • cynthia August 3, 2015 at 5:38 pm #

            Dear know your true colors: Seems your name (know your true colors) may be intended for others, but I think it says something about how you look at things. I hope things have worked out for you, but I honestly don’t feel that you serve any person as well as yourself to be hoping for vengeance on others. Maybe for your prospective, things are always starkly back or white, but life is never that simple. Again, I hope you are in a good place in your life, now. I am not meaning to judge you in any way, and you are certainly entitled to your opinion, as all the contributors on the site are. I jhate that you feel this way, and maybe you have changed somewhat.

          • you poor victims November 10, 2015 at 6:32 pm #

            Wow. Did you ever consider the question about why would anyone want to keep a man in a marriage that doesn’t want to be there and his heart belongs to someone else? Do you think any woman wants a married man and to get involved in such drama on purpose? People are not right for each other, grow apart or change after marriage. It’s a fact of life. The real lie would be to deny feelings and stay in an unhappy marriage. You sound bitter. I hope you can find peace in your heart. Namaste.

            • Joe January 28, 2016 at 5:19 pm #

              I think you’re missing the point. When spouses have trouble, they should work together to get through it. If they don’t, then thats on them. However, cheating is wrong and causes so much damage to everyone.
              If someone feels their spouse isn’t right for them, then they need to legally move on. But don’t cheat. It hurts.
              Eventually the guilt will begin to wear down the ones who cheated and damaged their families.

            • Angie March 26, 2016 at 8:45 pm #

              Do very true. Thank. You.!

            • Nikki July 8, 2016 at 2:27 am #

              Gas lighting

            • Isledivah October 13, 2016 at 12:37 am #

              RIGHT, AND THE MARRIAGE IS ALREADY DYING SO WHY BOTHER IF THEY CHEAT.??

            • Tortured January 2, 2017 at 10:35 am #

              I agree. I just ended a year-long emotional affair with a long time friend. We are both married. I don’t even know how it happened. We were friends for years. We knew each other’s spouses and children. Then my marriage and his marriage developed some issues at the same time. My husband was miserable at his job and he was very cold to me. He developed a very short temper. He ignored me and began sleeping downstairs many nights. I begged him for about two years to go to therapy with me. I missed him so much. He never smiled anymore. I only got critiques; never a compliment. I felt so alone and scared. I didn’t want to divorce. My parents had divorced and I felt like I would be the biggest failure if I did that. We have children and he is a great dad so I couldn’t see taking him away from them. But I felt alone. Really alone. And there was my friend. He felt the same I guess. We never spoke about problems in our marriages at first. It was a gradual thing. We started talking more and more and the next thing I knew I realized I had feelings for him. I felt like an asshole. I went to therapy. Alone. My husband still wouldn’t come. I tried to put distance between me and my friend. I avoided him for months. Then work circumstances made it so we saw each other every day. My feelings grew. I said nothing to him, but one day he came to me distressed and told me he had fallen in love with me. I was honest with him and told him I felt the same. Now what??? We should have just stopped speaking, I know!!! You all think we are both horrible people. But on my end I knew that I was taking nothing from this other man that my husband wanted to give me. This other man and I set up boundaries. We said we wouldn’t be physical. We wouldn’t see each other outside of work and we’d never take time away from our families to see each other. We thought bringing the feelings into light would help us deal with them together. But the feelings were there and they were strong. We knew each other for a long time – longer than we knew our spouses. Neither of us are “lookers”; it wasn’t that. We were lonely and found out that we loved each other. Now what? Neither of us wanted to divorce. We tried to keep our distance. We would make an effort to avoid each other. It was hard. It always failed.

              At some point his wife became suspicious due to his behavior at home and he admitted to her he felt a connection to me. Obviously this ended my friendship with her. They went to counseling. He tried. Again, we would avoid contact. I would beg my husband to work with me. He would refuse. The other man and I decided to consider our marriages separately from each other over the summer and then take it from there. We had minimal contact all summer. At the end of the summer he expressed to me that he just didn’t think he could love his wife the way he needed to and she was very unhappy. Even without seeing me he couldn’t love her the way she deserved. Now I couldn’t really love my husband like I loved this other man either, but my husband wasn’t demanding that from me. In fact, he didn’t seem to mind at all. I was at my wits end. I wanted my husband to work it out with me. I felt that if he put in the effort and worked with me I could forget this other man. After a lot of thinking and praying and therapy I decided to discuss divorce with my husband. The other man did the same with his wife. The thinking on his end was “if I can’t love her the way I should, I need to let her go.” I agreed. It wasn’t fair to her. She deserved more.

              Neither of us took this lightly. We cried. We tried avoiding each other. We tried with our spouses. We were tortured. Finally he tried to leave and so did I.

              I sat my husband down and told him I couldn’t live in a marriage like this anymore. At first he agreed and was fine with divorcing. Then he wasn’t. He came back to me a few days later and agreed to work on things.

              The other man tried to leave as well. But he became very distressed at the idea of leaving his children. We agreed we should both stay married and not talk anymore. At all. It was the right thing, and if my husband was willing to work at things I had no reason to leave.

              The other man became very upset. He continued to text me. I should have ignored him. I didn’t. I was actually worried about him. He was very conflicted. He wanted his children and he wanted me. He told me he couldn’t love his wife. I told him he had to try. We couldn’t speak anymore. He asked me to promise him someday we could be together. I told him we couldn’t do that. It wasn’t fair to anyone. I told him to go to see a psychiatrist because he seemed unstable. He agreed. His wife was at her wits end, and who could blame her?? He was leaving, now he wasn’t, but he was an emotional wreck. She began snooping. His phone that was always locked was, for some reason, left unlocked and out there waiting for her to look. There were texts on there of him telling me he loved me, etc. She saw it all.

              What followed was a fucking nightmare. I know, I’m a horrible person and I deserved it all. My husband got a call from his wife of course. I was devastated. I knew I wanted to make it work with my husband and now I didn’t know if that was going to happen. Luckily, my husband was forgiving. He admitted he had been neglectful and he understood. He was amazing. We moved forward. The other man was kicked out of his house and put on meds. I don’t know what happened on his end after that. We have no contact, but a mutual friend told me he said he still loved me. And I still love him. We haven’t spoken in two months. My husband had been amazing. He has been doing everything right. But I still love the other man and I wish I could stop. It’s not fair to my husband. Do I leave? What about my children?? My husband is giving my no reason to leave now!! He is perfect, but the damage from the past is still there. Years of neglect followed by my emotional betrayal. I hope it will get better.

              My point is, staying with someone you don’t love the way you should is wrong. My other man tried to do it and his wife sensed it and it hurt more than if he just left. He should have left. Regardless of me. On my end, it’s the same really. If I can’t love my husband the way I should, then I need to leave. It’s not fair. To anyone. I’m not giving up yet, but I won’t do this forever.

              • Mm January 2, 2017 at 1:14 pm #

                I would say talk to your husband. Explain that you need time to get back to yourself. The effect of the neglect and the emotional turmoil has been hard and faking a positive responce everytime he does something that you have asked him to do a thousand times before but never did will not fix everything straight away but explain to him that you will need time but he will need to continue to make an effort. As will you. Little gestures if kindness from both of you. Also remember people dont know what they have till it goes im guessing you have scared the hell out of him so that can change a person but dont do the whole lets go back to normal thing. This is now a new marriage. Seek counciling again if you need to. Then one day he ll make you a cup of coffee look at you them bam it hits you your marriage is back. It will take time as long as you both keep working. This bit is tough its the darkest part but people have said if you get through this and reach the other end your marraige is better than before and best of all. GUILT FREE. I dont know you but yoy sound like you actually really do love your husband other wise you would of left regardless. You miss and are still in love with the man he was and the new guy was a glimpse of that..and this may sound nieve but say you left. Whats to say new guy dorsnt turn out the same way and your left grieving again. Maybe if he spent they attention affection and the openess with his wife that he spent on you maybe thier marrage would of worked. Thats not a dig at you btw that was his choice to give you more. Im not condoning but as nothing physical happened it tells me you are still in to your marriage. Hope you work it out

                • Hurt January 22, 2017 at 1:40 am #

                  This person sounds really sad and reminds me of my situation. I am the covenant wife and my husband of 23 years has left me and our 3 children. What’s truly amazing is what the OW believe. I don’t know about her situation but mine is so crazy to me. My husband cheated for 1 Year that I know about. He promised this was a friend he was helping from work but when I found out about her he agreed to discontinue the relationship. 6 months later I find out that he is spending a lot of money on his relationship with the OW. I was mad about the cheating but equally as mad about the money. He had shut off our cable, cut back on our phone service, telling us we had to eat at home because he didn’t have money, and stopped taking us anywhere. I felt bad that we were struggling so I went along with it all. He was spending $125 on flowers and $100 on meals some times twice a day with her. The day I approached him he said he was leaving me. I couldn’t believe it. During are marriage my husband has been very passive about sharing his feelings. I would BEG him to tell me his thoughts, dreams, what made him mad or happy but I wouldn’t get much. I loved him and he convinced me that he just wasn’t as emotional as I was but loved me too. I excepted this behavior. In other words he NEVER EVER told me about any problems he had with me. Even after his affair I begged him to tell me what was I doing wrong or what can I do and he just said it had nothing to do with me that I did nothing wrong and he was being selfish but this time he was still cheating, going to marriage therapy with me to help me deal with the affair, always assuring me like he always did that he loved me and would never leave. And that I was paranoid when he started to disappear again. And you know what? He still left! He left me with our 3 children to deal with their emotions that they couldn’t understand. We always spoke against it. Bragging about his parents who were together 47 years. He left me to deal with all the deceit, embarrassment, linings and everything else. The man who never showed any emotion (except for irritation since he had been with her and she makes him happy) now became emotionally abusive. He said he had not loved me in over 10 years, we have nothing in common (that’s because when he started a relationship with her he stopped doing anything with me or the kids), she gets things done (I would to if he would give me more than $20 on the nightstand blah blah blah blah blah! I feel so betrayed. I asked him why wouldn’t he just tell me he wasn’t happy. I knew he wasn’t but he was having problems at work so I figured it was that. I’ve always encouraged him to get personal counseling because of his upbringing. He said he was just trying to work it out. How does a person “work out a marriage” if the other person is not included in on it. Nor knows that the problem is with them. For over a year I’ve felt so bad how they were doing him at work and how he didn’t have money that I tried to cut back everywhere (except for the kids school) to help him and he up and leaves! And he not only leaves but the day after he left he became very cruel as if I cheated on him. Crazy! He’s never even had a real conversation with me about why he is leaving. He wants to only communicate by text or through the children if he is talking to him. He won’t call them or come by but he will speak to them if they reach out. He’s done a couple of drop off and pick ups and waves to the kids from the car if he has been with the other. My kids are so confused. We were very involved in our church. He held several very high positions. No one I mean no one can believe it. He had us all fooled. I’ve told at least 25 people (because we were always together) and not one neighbor, friend, relative, church friend or the therapist can believe this. It’s just that unreal. Even the men we know say, “he left you, I’ve always admired what respect you showed him”. Couples have said we were their inspiration if our marriage stood the test theirs could. Youth can’t believe that their spiritual leader and mentor has left. It goes against everything he taught and believed. But he did. Now he said he is waiting on money to divorce me. He won’t even talk to me to tell me face to face. I love this man but the devil has taken over his mind. He is leaving everything he knows (except his good paying job) to be with this woman. I haven’t given up. It’s hard to give op now almost 24 years for a couple of years of a mid life crisis. It’s just unbelievable how you can tell your wife how much you love her in the morning and at 10pm tell her you are leaving her for someone else on Halloween. Surprisingly, I’ve prayed for them both and her daughter that Gods wrath won’t destroy them. They are preparing for a life of misery felled with guilt and shame. And that’s exactly why he can’t look or talk to me because refuses still to tell me what I did wrong to deserve divorce. Absolutely nothing. OW you are destroying lives not just the Wife but everyone else around them. Maybe you don’t care but you should. What if you were me. People ask me how I’m doing or how I feel – let me tell you. I feel that the man I loved, honored, respected and married died on Oct 31, 2016 and I never got a chance to say good-bye.

                  • Denise February 25, 2017 at 10:48 am #

                    Wow! My exact story!!! We were married 21 years. The woman he left me for is much younger, only 6 years older than our oldest child. The only difference is my husband has divorced me. I would have done anything to fix my marriage, and to help my family. I do not feel that he left because I was horrible..because I gave him all of me. I think it has to do with his childhood and abandonment. I pray for them both and even though he tries to turn our children against me to benefit him, I choose to forgive and fill my heart with love, not hate.

              • Brinze April 24, 2017 at 9:31 pm #

                As the BS I can still have some compassion for you, believe it or not. Here is the part that is wrong in your long sad story. Did you ever admit, or are you honest with yourself about the doors you so innocently opened at the very beginning? When you talked as friends, then talked some more, etc etc? Did you ever admit and confess that you KNEW you were playing with Fire?? And you liked it?? Come on. Go there. Your husband could have been all those horrible things, but maybe he was sensing a disconnect. One can never discount the vibe or spirit that exists between married folks. It’s very difficult to simply say he was distant and that set all else in motion. Why was he distant really? Maybe he sensed a rebellious evil in his wife’s heart? Who knows. The curse for your other man is that he thinks he loves you and may never have you. That false, and yes, demonic, sense of love power will torture and eventually kill him, unless he gives his life to the Lord. You also are in for the struggle of your life. The kicker is that if you two forelorn lovers ever got together permanently and legally, all that special love power will fade and turn to torture itself. Happens every time. You would t be the exception. It’s demonic. Seduction. Until all involved are shredded. That’s why cheating is the line in the sand. You crossed it and you knew you wanted to way before you “fell in love”. I exhort you for your sake to be honest with God and yourself. These love scenarios are like drug addictions. At first we just take a little bit and enjoy the buzz. But then poof, the drug owns YOU. It calls the shots. You are enslaved/ in love with it. That’s what happened. I feel for how you must have felt imprisoned. I did too. But I never cheated. God is now rewarding me for it. I wish you could see this. I hope you do.

            • Claire February 27, 2017 at 4:51 pm #

              I know this is old but I just can’t read this and say nothing.

              An affair doesn’t become justifiable even if there are problems in a marriage – and maybe if there are problems the BS doesn’t know about them. It is just not okay.

              If you have met ‘your one’ and they have already once thought someone else was theirs but now think it was you instead then wait for them to leave their spouse before starting a relationship.

              It’s all really hard to deal with, especially if the BS didn’t realise their husband/wife was unhappy (maybe they still did all the romantic stuff they always had, perhaps they still had great sex, they probably still made big plans for their future and might even have been planning more children).

              The discovery that the person you trust most in the world has lied repeatedly to you, often at really important moments of your life, over many years, is shattering. It feels like your heart has been physically crushed.

              If you genuinely believe you’re meant to be with someone who is already married and they feel the same, remember that once ‘your love’ once loved their spouse enough to say they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with them.

              Life happens, no one is shiny 100% of the time like you can be in stolen moments. At least show some honour and respect. Don’t be complicit in someone lying to someone they happily married and who loves them more than anything else in the world whilst believing they are getting the same in return.

            • 2 way street June 21, 2017 at 3:42 pm #

              You have a point but Bitch Please!

          • Maureen July 8, 2016 at 8:57 am #

            Spot on!

          • Isledivah October 12, 2016 at 11:37 pm #

            Now you are an example of a BITTER person who can’t forgive. Again, don’t name names dear and never wish death upon someone. You are not GOD and you just lost God’s Trust in you to do good. SHAME ON YOU!

          • Tara January 22, 2017 at 6:51 pm #

            There is no such thing as a home-wrecker simply because if a third party can enter the relationship bubble, then your relationship was weak to start off with. There is no such thing as a home-wrecker because if it was all based on another person ‘tempting’ our partner, or entering our partner’s proximity with bad intentions, then no relationship would ever work out, and we might as well never have an intimate relationship, and they would never be worth it, and we could all remain single.

        • Tonja September 19, 2014 at 11:49 am #

          I guess you have convinced yourself of your goodness so can you sleep at night.

          Surely even you can see through your delusions and lack of moral compass that God will never send you someone else’s husband.

          There is a special place reserved in hell for women like you and I wish you God speed.

          • ariella May 9, 2015 at 4:39 am #

            Oh, a tour guide for “Hell” What an interesting occupation!

          • you poor victims November 10, 2015 at 6:33 pm #

            Please see my comments above. Why are you holding onto anger? It’s bad for you, not other people.

            • Nikki July 8, 2016 at 2:32 am #

              emotional vampire, advise is not just good or bad, but requires good timing.

          • Not a cheater December 13, 2015 at 10:52 am #

            Whats really hurts is the fact my husband is not perfect and I did not cheat on him but he cheated on me. He was just as awful to me and I did not cheat

          • Corinne June 12, 2017 at 11:40 pm #

            I’m with you on this. I think the article is BS as, in my experience, the OW is not introspective enough to see herself as selfish. After all, people wouldn’t be selfish if they were introspective and looked deeply at themselves, would they?

        • MaisieBlueEyes September 26, 2014 at 1:45 am #

          I agree with the “home-wrecking whore” comment. You “just fell in love????” How exactly did that happen? You both made a decision to make this happen and took the actions that would start and continue an affair. Take responsibility. You went after another woman’s husband. I wonder how happy you truly are with your prize, a fellow liar, cheater and adulterer. Your vile union started in a dirty evil place and that is where it will end, if its not already over with.
          My brother left his wife of 25 years for his affair partner. Things have steadily gone downhill, and last winter, I happened to look at her Facebook page one night around 2am. She normally does not publicly post any photos, but for about an hour she had a gallery up of pictures of herself, with not one of her husband. She was obviously sniffing around online. By morning the photos were gone again. Did I tell my brother? WHY WOULD I….he deserves her and she him. Last I heard they are separated. Another shining example of two sleazes getting their Karma. Karma that is coming YOUR way Honey if it hasn’t already arrived.

          • Isledivah October 12, 2016 at 11:46 pm #

            So, If I may ask, Is it fair for the children to experience a relationship with a lot of anger and sadness because Mom and Dad can’t seem to work things out?? Not all married couples are loving. Sometimes they get married for the wrong reasons and end up regretting and that will affect the child. YOU are all a bunch of idiots and need to check yourselves before you judge other people. Sheesh!!!

            • Claire June 14, 2017 at 9:23 am #

              I think the majority of people on here felt they had good marriages. That’s the main issue. If you are the only one who doesn’t realise there is a problem then how could you be expected to address it? I think people who have affairs like to imagine the marriage they are involved in destroying as already broken so to alleviate a level of guilt.

              I would consider myself reasonably intelligent and a good judge of character yet my husband had an affair for four years. In that time we bought a ‘home for life’ and had two further children. He frequently told me how much he loved me and I him, that I was his world etc etc, we bought me surprise gifts, we saw friends together, we had good sex (not as often as before children but we weren’t in some kind of sex drought!).

              When I found out, he said he would never ever have left me had I not found out and that he genuinely felt the affair he was having with his junior at work would have fizzled out. He said I was prettier and more fun than she was but that she was kinder to him. At the time he said we were part of each other, that he knew he would probably look back on this as his biggest mistake and that he thought we’d be back together in a few years(wtf!!!). Anyway, he’s now with her so take from that what you will.

              Fair enough relationships don’t always work out even when there are children involved but I think honesty is a pretty basic requisite in any relationship. If you’re not happy then say so. Maybe your spouse would be prepared to do whatever it took to make your relationship work before it was too late. Don’t say you’re happy, let your spouse think everything is going the way it shoul and then cheat. Of course people fall out of love but you either decide to work on what you have and make it work or you leave your marriage and then start a relationship with someone new. Honesty is not a complicated concept.

              I think that unless you have experienced that moment where the bottom falls out of your world, where you feel that you might die because you can’t breathe and then struggle for months and months to get out of bed and put on a happy face for the children you had with someone who promised they would be with you forever, and who days before you found out about their affair had been planning retirement trips with you for twenty years into the future then you should keep your nasty comments to yourself or write them on a site that is deigned to support the emotional needs of someone who decides to play a major role in the destruction of an entire family. There are sites for that too but I didnt think this was one of them.

              • Diamond Lopez June 14, 2017 at 3:43 pm #

                The bottom line is this take notes if your planning to Fuck some other Woman’s Husband…
                If He is fucking you, spending money ,and time on you. She is being robbed by the both of you selfish narcissistic whores. You both are responsible for destroying a marriage!…
                Weather he tells you he’s not happy with her and their life together. To get into your panties is not valid.
                You knew he was married and you still fucked him,You are wrong.
                If He wasn’t happy with her he should have communicated truthfully to her. That is a weak excuse poor defense to cheat in His Wife with you. You knew he was married at some point. You should have been strong enough to pull out then apologizing. You did not … Because you did not care about anybody else but yourself…
                Your a Homewrecker Whore!
                There is no forgiveness in it for you.
                She the betrayed wife may temporarily feel sorry for you that is short lived. Because You hurt her children in this process.
                In my case I listened to my children tell me their painful testimony.
                The bitch treats my children like Hansel and Gretel. She Literally tryed to kick my Son out of his Daddy’s house!
                She trys to call my son’s live in girlfriend / fiancée a nasty whore.
                I was asked what I’d do if this happened in my house ..lmfao
                Now she has a conscious and has morals… Lmfao
                I just looked at my ex and said this.
                Regardless of what your new wife says this girl was here way before Maria came to live with you. Your Son was in your life way before her.
                Your daughter was here before you ever knew Your new wife and I was here before her.
                You can’t cheat on your wife abd bring the Mistress into your life in front of our children. Then tell my Son he has to get rid of his girlfriend / fiancée…
                Because they aren’t married…
                Your fake ass morals finally kicked in… Nobody can take your lame ass seriously

                I agree that entire section where The Mistress married your Husband after being in an affair with this man during his legitimate marriage with children in it and comingled mutual money and other assets that the Betrayed Wife worked in her 50% which added two the Marital estate. Add 50% per child to that pot. 75% plus the 50% of her sweat equity add 50% to her financial contributions for the 50% of her years working to help meet her husband’s needs physical ,mentally and Emotionally.
                That is giving and sharing in that Intact home 275% of her day in day out for 14 years of her life. Then have some hoe who’s not happy with her 8 year old marriage. Fuck your husband who should be in your home making love to me. But I’m sleeping alone thinking he’s working very hard to take care of us our family we created out of love together. Then When I need his part the most he’s absent. Didn’t bother to tell me who We were fucking. I totally trusted and believed in my husband’s loyalty. Stayed loyal to him through hell and back. The whore wanted to come out in the opened to pick my husband up to take him with her because he finally confessed to me. She was chosen by him as the babysitter. This hoe told our 4 year old that her Daddy and her loved each other but not to tell her mommy because if My Daughter did My Husband wouldn’t pay her the babysitting money…
                She remembers this and when they were still unmarried sleeping together after I kicked him out my house. This whore gets common law married to my ex husband… Starts abusing the two children we share together… Still he sticks up for his hoe …over his children…

          • beautifulmomma June 14, 2017 at 3:40 am #

            been waiting for karma to hit my ex’s door but its not.just got the news that the wedding is to take place this month : wedding with the OW and jeez i was angry and sad…not that i wanted my ex back but because it reminded me of all their affair put me through, so much emotional anguish, torture and pain and it still hurts.
            and now to think i will have that woman as a step mother to my children —– i even feel worse .
            i wish people knew how cheating damages people.

            • Claire June 14, 2017 at 8:59 am #

              That is horrendous – what a horrible woman – and man really. Even if your children are too little to know now what has really happened, one day they will and I can’t think the other woman will come out of it very well. Can you imagine what you’d feel towards someone who had hurt your mother as much as she has hurt you? They’ll be likely able to forgive their father because they do t have much choice but I can’t imagine they’ll ever forgive her. Try not to torture yourself imagining them playing happy families with your children. She’ll resent them on some level however hard she tries to be reasonable and they’ll certainly resent her. What a bloody mess your ex has made.

        • MaisieBlueEyes September 26, 2014 at 2:02 am #

          Keep spouting your fluff…love the “no one owns no one” line. Lets see how lah-tee-dah you are when he cheats on you, if he hasn’t already.
          Watch your back Honey…..Karma’s coming.

          • ariella May 9, 2015 at 4:45 am #

            Shouldn’t that be “no one owns ANY one?” Oh, Karma is coming to dinner – any special dietary restrictions?

            • Lisa May 9, 2015 at 9:59 am #

              What a witty response. Look everyone. One of the homewreckers has come here to troll. Must be he isn’t paying attention to her this week or he has already moved on! LMAO!!

              • ariella May 9, 2015 at 10:35 am #

                Golly, so deep and insightful! Any messages from my long deceased Grandfather?

                • Lisa May 9, 2015 at 10:50 am #

                  What’s the matter dear? Are you bored because he is spending the weekend with his wife becuase it’s Mother’s Day weekend? Don’t worry he will be back. You are the ONE after all right? LOL!

                  • ariella May 9, 2015 at 10:58 am #

                    If you could only have the insight to know how utterly ridiculous your comments really are and the way you make them blindly, not knowing anything. Guess all of your value and worth as an individual is tied up to whether or not a man is paying attention to you?

                    • Helen Ovtroye March 18, 2016 at 11:29 am #

                      To all the would-be mistresses out there. My daughter is 12. She found photos etc of a work colleague whom I am also acquainted with, who I have given jobs to etc. anyhow for over a year my little girl, knew what was going on, because her father allowed her to play with his phone all the time, and the stuff was just there, She kept it a secret until she could not longer bear to see the pain of me, her Mom. He father had been blaming me and being horrible to me the whole time of the affair. So my little girl decided when it was time to do something so SHE was the whistle blower on her own father to save her Mom from more and more lies and pain and unjustice. It is very hard for me to write this, but I will because if my little note here can stop anyone else from going this route, then I have done something, one drop in the oceans, but still one drop. The stress that happened after she whistle blowed was unbelieveable. At one point, her eyes started rolling back into her head and she started to sing Christian songs she learned from school. At that moment in time, my world slipped away, the walls were moving and I was losing balance in all forms. All the breast feeding, and all the 100% devotion I had shown to her all her life was now being ripped apart like a tsunami of pain and fear and horror. The horror to watch ones child in emotional and mental duress is unfathomable as one cannot really help. A cast will not repair anything, nor will stiches, nor all the presciptions in the world. To know, as a parent, that NOTHING is helping your child no matter how hard you try. To see a child pick up an empty wine bottle to go and attack her own father who she used to idolize,was if darkness itself manifested. To take the bottle away from the child and hold her close as she struggles to free herself from me, from her life, from her pain as the innocent victim, the sacred symbol of unity and Love between the union of a man and woman on God´s Earth. Affairs are not fun, nor sexy, nor is real Love ever a part of them. Mostly they are about lost souls who have long ago forgotten to check their moral compasses and have wondered off, tredding water within their own Egos, tossing about in the sea of life, like old Javex bottles broken free from their anchors, drifting about hoping to pick up bits and pieces of distraction and fantasy. My husband now says that his three year affair, was nothing more than a symptom of his mid life crisis. Imagine that. That actually made me feel a little sorry for the other Lady. Men are normally objectifying women with mistresses. Mistresses are sometimes true loves perhaps, even soul mates, but often the are nothing more than live sex dolls. The question to that potential mistress is…Would this man lie to you? or are you so much more special than the other number of women he has played. Because he has played before, he played his wife, and if he is not spending Christmas with you next year, he played you too. Lo siento. Truth is just that. Truth.. And I have written without bitterness, nor any swearing, nor name calling. I´ll leave that part to St. Peter when the time comes, but will be sure to hand over my dossier of evidence to Him. LOL For those of you who may think I am some form of higher level person by trying to stay above things…Not so much,,, I´m getting everything I want for my whole life or else a BIG dossier of evidence goes to a listserv of 55,000 people, because both of them are in a very high profile professional circle, as I was before I decided to take an early retirement kindly funded by my husband, and learn to make soap, perfume and do beading.. Time for another coffee. PS my deal with my husband is also that since he cheated for 15 yrs, I now get to cheat for the next 15 years. If he doesnt like something, the send button is pressed. I am not so much bitter and quite happy with myself. Wives, use their own EGOS against them if you can as that can be a good attack site.. Seven US states allow suing the mistresses also. Check it out….
                      suggested reading …….Art of War

          • cynthia August 3, 2015 at 5:49 pm #

            MaisieBlueEyes, You could support your brother as well as his former wife. When you said you looked at her facebook page at 2:00 and the pictures she posted were gone by the next morning , that seems obsessive on your part. Your brother could have probably used your support , you could support them both he and the former wife. As I said life is sometimes really messy and complicated. All of this bitterness serves no one, least of all you. I wish you the best! I mean it..

            • Gizfield August 3, 2015 at 9:05 pm #

              Why is it that every time someone says that relationships are “complicated” it’s used to condone Cheating? There is nothing complicated about it. If you commit to another person, either in a committed relationship or marriage, you act in a way that supports that relationship. You don’t date others, you don’t lie, you don’t sneak. If you no longer want to be with the person you committed to, you man up, tell them, then either repair the relationship or end it. It’s not complicated, and anything else is WRONG. You are a cheater if you don’t get out of the first relationship before beginning another. Complicated is just code for some lame ass excuses to cheat.

              • cynthia August 5, 2015 at 6:37 pm #

                Giz: you are absolutely correct, however I NEVER said or meant to imply that I condone someone being unfaithful. I guess my point would be that the infidelity has taken place already in many of these instances referred to in this forum, and my concern is what you do with that after it has happened, and how you handle it so it is least detrimental to yourself. Obviously, many of these people have experienced a good deal of pain, and I worry about HOW they process it (for their sakes and concern for their well being and healing.) You are right! .

                • gizfield August 5, 2015 at 8:12 pm #

                  That’s cool, Cynthia, no problem. I agree that cheating is harmful to everyone myself. The best a person can do is learn from it so they don’t repeat it.

              • Ishy October 25, 2016 at 9:44 am #

                Just for curiosity…

                Anyone, BS or AP or WS. Go on a relationship site and post this.

                I met this person. We get along very well and I have strong feelings. And I believe this other person does, too. But this person is married. The spouse is mean and controlling. The marriage has been over for years. I know I can help and be there for this person. What should I do?

                If you get the response…” Go for it. The marriage is over.” Let me know.

            • Danni October 23, 2016 at 2:45 pm #

              obsessiveness makes for good detective work-and when you know someone is lying to you, would you deny them the knowledge of the truth which is a precept of our Judicial System, so suggest you contemplate “obsessive” before you give your psychoanalysis of someone’s single act of behavior.

        • MaisieBlueEyes September 26, 2014 at 2:16 am #

          And who are you to tell others to “grow up?” Part of being an adult is keeping the promises you make and resisting temptation. I do find it curious that you, supposedly so snug and happy in your new life, is online in this discussion at all. What are you looking for…something to relieve your guilt?
          I would think you would be too busy with your new husband and wonderful new life …yet you are online searching and writing about this topic.
          Hmmm……….trouble in paradise already????

          • VictoriousAnyway November 18, 2014 at 11:32 pm #

            MaiseBlueEyes,

            Thank you so much for your words here!. I am VERY recently (less than a month divorced) from my ex who married the OW (almost 20 years younger then him) 4 days after our divorce was final. Now we have been separated for 3 almost 4 years and in the middle of all of this I have had him of course blaming me for our problems. Living with him wasn’t’ easy but I loved him and took my vows of commitment seriously. Sadly he did not and he allowed his family and the OW to convince him that “no harm, no foul” if only they knew the pain and the tears that they caused with their behavior as I held our then 2 year old daughter as she cried nightly for her dad who abandoned us for what he thought was going to be the better life and honestly while they spent all their time making me the “common enemy” it probably was good for them. The OW will always have some trust issues as the article indicates, although we have a child, he was not allowed to contact me unless it was under her watchful eye (trust issues anyone) and whenever she would find out we spoke she argued with him and he (cowardly) changed his number and will go large amounts of time without speaking to his daughter but that is of course always blamed on me. (yeah, right) Well, there new marriage started and the next day he started a new job driving a truck and has been gone for quite some time. Now, the OW who has a 1 year old of her own (honestly feel that was purposeful after I corrected the you will not have my daughter call you mother situation upon her attempts) and she is now doing what I have had to handle for the past 3 years without the backdrop of my parent’s money (yes her parents are financially well set and purchased the two home wreckers a house without knowing that he was married of course) All those things that he was doing for her, he’s not there to do anymore and while she’s probably enjoying playing the “happy little home wrecking housewife” at this time. She’s absolutely, most definitely going to experience one or two things, she will either driver herself crazy expecting him to cheat on her (by the way he did ask me to take him back on more than one occasion prior to them getting married), or WILL be cheated on by him. Either way it is very true, you reap what you sow. May not come today, but it will come. Those two put me through absolute HELL and everything was considered my fault, but all of that was shown to be untrue and I survived by the grace of God.

            My pain is quite fresh and I have felt very alone so I am very glad I came across this blog and again I thank you for your comments to the OW who is basically trying to find a way to make herself feel better for displaying such poor character. it has helped me feel not so alone.

            • VictoriousAnyway November 18, 2014 at 11:41 pm #

              Oh and for anyone thinking I blame her only, not even. She willingly and wide eyed walked into an adulterous relationship and while I have no respect for her my respect for my ex runs low too because HE is the one that made the commitment and failed his family. He is the one that wasn’t able to stand up and be the man he always hoped to be.

            • cynthia July 21, 2015 at 6:28 pm #

              Victorious Anyway!!! I am so sorry for what happened. Guess what? You have what it takes to get through this, I can tell. You will find another and you will be so happy. You are not alone!

            • Jessica July 31, 2015 at 8:19 pm #

              wow your story sounds like mine. i have been going through same crap but i am still with him. im trying to find a job and so i can save up money and get a divorce once and for all. mine is back to cheating again and we separated before over this, when we got back together it was going good and we moved so i ended up quitting my job cause it was to far so i went back to being a stay at home mom. plus he wanted me home with kids. well come to find out he is back to cheating again! i thought you have got to be kidding me!!!! now its everything is my fault, i’m lazy cause i dont have a job and i have no ambition in life? i thought what? once upon a time before when i found out he was having his first affair, he made great money, i made decent money and for us and our kids wanted to buy a house but he wouldn’t do it. i thought why? we made great money of course he made more then me but we would of been just fine but nope! one time we opened up a business and it was in my name, i helped him with it but in the end he gave up on it so we closed the doors. still i tried but he never wanted to but that was because he was having a affair. i ended up back with him and thought he changed but nope, after while was back to cheating. also why is it when they do this they make you look like the bad guy? i am not saying i am perfect but i bent over backwards for this guy and now he is back to cheating and making me out to be this lazy housewife who sits at home all day and watches tv, oh this new woman has money by the way. he had me quite my job! i clean the house, i mow the lawn, i take my kids to school and pick them up, i have dinner ready when they walk in the door, he hurt his back awhile ago and i served him in bed, i rubbed his back, helped him wash in a tub, i did everything for him but i dont understand why and not just his mistress but he talks bad about me to everyone? then again while everyone thinks he is such a great guy he talks about them behind their backs and you have no idea how bad i would love to say to everyone oh you think he is a great guy? if only you new how bad he talks about you. right now he is out of town he later told me he bought a cabin! i had no idea he was going to do that til later. and he went down there again for business? i have been there for this guy for all his crap and this is what i get! i feel embarrassed, i feel so bad for my kids cause here we go again! i just dont understand how he treats me this way!!! or even thinks of the kids? we talked about it before about how his actions effected the kids but obviously he doesn’t care. i am trying to find job now but so far no luck but i will keep trying. im stuck finding third shift since when school starts have to take kids to school plus my daughter always has homework and god forbid he helps. hard argueing with him cause he is one of those guys who has a answer for everything! geez he can come up with a story..

              • Rachel July 31, 2015 at 8:40 pm #

                Jessica
                They yell and blame us because they know they are at fault. Need to blame others for their errors.
                It’s not you!!!
                Good luck finding a job. Something will turn up.

                • Jessica July 31, 2015 at 9:43 pm #

                  Thank you for answering me! i get tired of everything being my fault. he is so malitive or how ever you spell it. i hope when i do see the judge they will see right through his bs.

              • lisa January 16, 2016 at 12:45 pm #

                you went wrong by quitting your job and going back. They never change, if they drop one mistress they will pick up another

        • sammy September 30, 2014 at 10:03 pm #

          “I met a guy some years ago, he was apparently trapped in a horrible marriage”

          Trapped? Like the spouse locked all the doors? held a gun to his head? The poor sausage couldn’t extricate himself and needed you to do it for him? How lame. If it was so horrible, he could have filed for divorce. Cheating involves cowardice. A real man faces the issues, speaks up and if the issues can’t be resolved, moves forward with a divorce. Not scoping out the landscape for replacements first before jumping ship. That is entitlement and cowardice.

          • IdesofMarch February 12, 2016 at 7:40 pm #

            I am a betrayed wife with many similarities to the stories here. X got bored with monogamy and parenting so off he went.

            He tricked ow by telling her he was a widower and she kept him when he confessed. He wanted an open marriage and I do not share that. It was 20 years. He never said his problems to me just began strangd behavior and left. I lost my home, animals, job, money, more.

            They are engaged with a date the week before what would be our 20th anniversary. I had a baby when he faked coning back. Put his ring on evdrything. Ow still in picture.

            for a time I tried to empathize with ow but if I ever want a man again it sill be one proven single. I just do not understand the inability to walk away from someghing that belongs to someone else, even with problems.

            ow that x picked feels that she is saving him. He blames all wrongs on me. But never told me as I said. He said “I just wanted a fling.”

            Ow knows he was with me again, years ago now and I had another child. That I dont get either. I think he may not respect anyone and wonder, with idle curiosity, how it will go. It is constant drama if I hear at all.

          • Was reading this article for support September 17, 2016 at 9:34 pm #

            My brother was indeed trapped in a horrible marriage. It does happen. Because of how he was raised, he believed he had to stay in the marriage. He did not cheat. But she, after he finally divorced her after 21 years of mental, verbal and physical abuse, admitted once he had paid her all the alimony due, that she from day one was cheating on him the whole time. Not every situation is black and white.

            • Excuses October 23, 2016 at 2:50 pm #

              Fact still remains, religion or not, he still could have left her cheating *ss not unless he was being held hostage, hog tied in a dark basement while being fed old canned beans.. i hope your brother is ok now & has moved on with someone who is worthy of being with him & treatig him like a king

          • Danni October 23, 2016 at 2:56 pm #

            the man I knew had scoped me out, but I discovered his past in time. He had piggybacked every and numerous women, never ending one relationship, and then taking care of himself, but always finding the new woman with a home, assets, high income job, to embroil in a relationship and then snipping the other from his life like a piece of wire.

          • Ishy October 25, 2016 at 10:11 am #

            Well put! I’ve been hit on by quite a few men…that I honestly was attracted to…that were married. They flocked in after they heard what happened to me and wanted to be my shoulder to cry on.

            What??? I knew their wives. I knew their kids! What was in it for me?!!! At first, I thought it was sweet, but then the fact that they helped me move a fridge became a secret. Why? Because they wanted more. Because they didn’t want me to tell their wives that they were helping me so much. I let them know right off that I wasn’t going to fix their marriage and I CERTAINLY wasn’t going to be the nail in the coffin.

            A year later, those men are still married. Maybe things are bad, maybe just tolerable, but they aren’t leaving without an escape route. An affair partner may be that escape route, but they aren’t HELPING anything. They are just a temporary fix for one person. The cheater. Maybe the AP is lonely and they see this future…that may or may not be possible, but you really have to think about what the AP is allowing to happen. What is their responsibility, here?

            I finally put myself in the AP’ s shoes for a minute. It comes down to loneliness, selfishness, and insecurity. I felt that as well. I think I could have filled the hole (lmao on that one) with the warmth of one of those men. They weren’t bad people. Good jobs, nice…oh…but they were looking to cheat on their wives! (Oops. Almost missed that one)

            I fortunately was able to shut it down before it started. There are sooooooo many good single men out there. Go online. Go out and flirt. There really is no reason to break up a family. They can do that on their own.

            • Violet March 4, 2017 at 3:43 am #

              Ishy… I commend you!

              It takes a very strong, emotionally mature and morally stable person to stand firm and do whats right. Your actions not only reflect the respect you have for yourself, the the compassion and understanding of human condition.

              We are all emotional creatures and decisions are make constantly throughout our lives. I have learned that people are placed in your life to test you and push you to look deep i side yourself in order to become the whole person you are meant to be.

              When people choose to only focus on their “self precieve need” and forget to acknowledge how their decision can either ripple positive or negative waves to those around them…it is clear they still have not learn the real lessons of life and without a doubt, they will remained trapped (justifying, manipulating,etc) until they learn that we are all extensions of another and desires, feelings and wants are just product of unfinished SELF healing that needs to be taken care of.

              When you are whole… it will becone practically imposible to get yourself in a situation that DEEP DOWN you know will destroy you and others eventually. You will understand that not all you need is within you. You also learn that being faithful is a gift you give yourself more then it is towards the other person. Youlearn that when you cross that line of betrayal, you have eternally damaged your soul in the most devestating way. The energy thats released during a betrayal is so dark that all those surrounding the cheater will be affected for life. It is like a spiritual death and therefore that tries to blume from death will prosper or grow.

              Ishy… you are truly blessed

        • Cyndi January 16, 2015 at 11:35 am #

          If he was that miserable, he should have divorced her before having an affair. As a BW, I still consider you a homewrecker. It is usually not as bad as the CS lets on that it is. My H was saying horrible things about me that were twisted reality. He made it sound way worse than it was. My children can’t stand their dad’s girlfriend of 5 years. They are a lot smarter than she thinks.

          • sammy January 16, 2015 at 12:59 pm #

            Chances are more likely that although the cheater complained his needs weren’t being met (typical cheaterspeak) and blamed his wife because she couldn’t fix all his deficits, he was the one not meeting HER needs. The OW should ask him what he’s doing for his wife (because that may be the OW’s position in the future). I really don’t understand these OW…don’t they see that a cheater is by definition selfish…trying to get attention to get his cake? It’s rarely about caring about the OW. The cheater only cares about what HE is getting…he is by definition a user. Or there’s the other kind of cheater – the ones who are convinced they are the white knights that will rescue needy women…notice how he doesn’t rescue others who may need rescuing, whether they be old women, kids, young men, etc? It’s all about CAKE. He wouldn’t be a white knight without getting sex from the needy damsels. If the cheater REALLY cared about people, he would say, “let me fix my life and until I do, I’m not getting involved with anyone else”. Personally I would never be involved with a cheater (even if single) because I would not have respect for someone who thinks and acts so selfishly. It’s a character issue. It’s not really a gender issue….this applies to cheating wives too.

            • Tossed With the trash October 12, 2016 at 2:38 am #

              Couldn’t be more spot on!

        • Chris January 18, 2015 at 11:48 am #

          I felt a sense of relief reading your comment. I have been with my husband for 35 years. I stopped loving him 20 years ago. I’m just with him because I don’t want him to be sad if I ask for a divorce. Every single day he tells me how much he loves me and goes out of his way to make me happy. I’m afraid of Karma. I’m afraid if I leave I will be alone or constantly looking for happiness for the rest of my life. There is a man I’m interested in. We’ve been friends for 30 years. I cry every single day. I’ve been seeking therapy but because I’m not a “typical” case i.e. suicidal, no one will talk to me. I hate myself. But I am in love with my friend

          • Joe January 20, 2015 at 12:31 am #

            Hello Chris,

            I’m a MM (married man) who had a affair for 15 years and I understand your situation completely.

            You will not get any help from this website but if you email me at joe doks the 3rd (one word) at (@) yahoo [dot] com, I would be happy to talk with you.

          • Gizfield January 20, 2015 at 10:06 am #

            Chris, if your husband is as nice as you say he is, the last thing he DESERVES is to be married to a CHEATER. But nobody does, so thats a moot point.

            You appear to be in your forties, possibly fifties. Definitely old enough to know right from wrong. My guess is that you want validation that your situation is unique and therefore it’s ok. It is neither.

            You enjoy the perks of marriage while daydreaming of your friend. If you LOVE him as much as you say, you will want an Authentic relationship with him. An affair is definitely not the answer. Be honest with your husband, get a divorce.he can move on with his life as can you and your friend.

            • cynthia August 5, 2015 at 6:48 pm #

              Very Good Advice, Giz!

              • Nikki July 8, 2016 at 2:40 am #

                Before you leave the marriage, find out why you can’t make yourself happy. I have found happiness is an inside job. You could leave the marriage and then discover that you replicate your situation with someone else…

          • OHC January 20, 2015 at 2:11 pm #

            Chris, I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. Your husband will likely be sad if you ask for a divorce, but think about how much happier both of you could be–he could be with someone madly in love with him and you would have that opportunity as well.

            I can’t tell if you are in an emotional affair with your friend right now or whether you have feeligs for him but are unsure of his feelings back. One thing I can tell you, as someone who was in an EA for many years with someone I loved very much–they aren’t very much fun. It’s soul wrecking for the two people involved, even though many people think it’s all fun and games. The end of mine was like a bomb going off in both my life and my AP’s life, even though his wife never found out. I’m still picking up the pieces now from how it affected both my personal life and my career. And btw, it was incredibly difficult while still going on as well. And I’m not even touching on what it does to his marriage (since there are plenty of others on the forum to comment on that!)

            My advice is to not view this is as either your husband or your friend, but to view this as how do you take control of your own life and own hapiness. How do you release your husband, whom I’m sure you care about very much, so you can both enjoy a fuller life? Once you take those important first steps you will be able to figure out if your friend is a good fit for you or not.

            I wish you luck

            • IdesofMarch February 12, 2016 at 7:51 pm #

              This happened to me, if x is truthful.

              We have been divorced a shild now. Most of my sadness now is for the loss of time spent on my own life that I spent being devoted to him while he had no care at all.

              Though he is gone, I am finally living authentically.

              Please be very careful. It sounds like you have guilt. But it is two lives to consider. And gently, be honest if you want to leave and dont make your unhappiness his fault because you stay. It is your choice like it would be his.

          • Chris too February 27, 2015 at 8:35 pm #

            Chris, I did not have another that I loved, but I fell out of love my husband years and years before divorce. He, too, would claim to love me, and I did not follow through with my own wishes because I thought somehow I was selfish. After all, he was “such a nice guy”, he claimed to love me, he claimed everything he did was for me. Thing is, this was not the truth, and it wasn’t until, after nearly 40 years, that I realized that every niggling feeling I had had over the years was justified and I should have listened. In the end I discovered I was married to a heartless, selfish,covert personality-disordered narcissist, a grandmaster of gas-lighting, who set out to completely destroy me in the end when he felt threatened that I would “expose” him to the world as someone less than perfect, which I never had any intention of doing. It was his own personality he was projecting on to me. I know yours may be completely different situation, but the fact that you are in a marriage where you are afraid of hurting the other because you want out: this screams to me of my situation. Please read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and visit the support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse, and talk about your feelings there. You may find that others recognize your husband as their own. Circumstances may be different but they are all the same underneath. The sooner you can learn this, the better, because they will strangle you with your own compassion in the meantime. In ANY case–whatever you conclude about him–get. out. of. the. marriage. it will be hard, very hard for a while, but then it will get better and better and better for the rest of your life.

          • Brian July 16, 2015 at 2:14 am #

            Early on the Love keeps the Commitment, At some point in all marriages though, the Commitment has to keep the Love.

            Unless people are selfish, of course.

            I honestly hope that you do not get dragged into the pit that the world can make so appealing. Make your happiness in honor & principals, Not just the feelings that lie to us. Be Blessed!

        • Phyllis February 4, 2015 at 8:58 am #

          Just curious. Have you ever read the Bible? Do you consider yourself a Christian? If so you may want to check out Luke 16:18, Malachi 2:16, 1 Corinthians 6:9, 1 Corinthians 7:11, Hebrews 13:4, Genesis 2:24-25, Matthew 5:32, Matthew 19:4-6, Numbers 30:2 just to start. Marriage is an unbreakable covenant with God which lasts until death of one spouse. As a pastor and Christian counselor it is my duty to inform you of the consequences of your “rescuing” a man who is another woman’s husband in the eyes of our Creator. There will be a BIG price to pay in eternity if you do not repent from your sin and turn away from it. Praying to God will speak to you.

          • Phyllis February 4, 2015 at 9:00 am #

            This reply is intended for OHC.

            • OHC February 4, 2015 at 12:04 pm #

              I am a Christian but I don’t share your beliefs. I respect them, but don’t share them. I believe cheating is wrong, however I do not believe marriage is an unbreakable bond. I believe people should be able to get divorced, for whatever their reason

              Again, I respect you have a different view but I don’t share it

              • Gizfield February 4, 2015 at 1:01 pm #

                I’m not a theologian, or Bible scholar or anything, but it’s stated in the Bible that if your spouse is living, the only allowable grounds for divorce is adultery. It frees the faithful spouse to remarry. The adulterer is still considered guilty, and his/her remarriage is considered adulterous. This is not my opinion. It is what is stated in the Bible.

                • OHC February 4, 2015 at 4:26 pm #

                  Yes, this is the whole grounds for the split of the church under Henry VIII. Catholics held you couldn’t divorce so he created the Anglican church that said you could. I am Catholic and according to our beliefs you can not divorce but you can get an annulment, basically invalidating the first marriage, and in that case adultery is irrelevant. Non-Catholic Christians interpret it differently

                  The point of this all is that there are many interpretations of the Bible. And there are many things that people choose to believe or not to believe even if dictated by their church

                  • Gizfield February 4, 2015 at 4:49 pm #

                    oh, yeah. The Annulment. I forgot about those. My first husband’ s wife got one of those so she could get marrie d in the catholic church. Seven years and one kid. Invalid. Does this mean their child is illegitimate? They weren’t married but cohabiting. What do you call it ?

                    And my apologies to any catholic persons here. I just dont understand this.

                    • OHC February 4, 2015 at 6:28 pm #

                      I find annulments to be bogus. Especially because you can get them much easier if you are a Kennedy, for instance, than you can if you are just a run of the mill citizen. There is no consistency in the church and I’m not sure why it’s so much better or different than just acknowledging divorce, like a lot of other religions do.

                      In my opinion being a Christian is not tied to the literal interpretation of the Bible but how you choose to live your life. Personally, I confessed my sin and received absolution. I don’t intend to enter another EA. What Phyllis believes about me is irrelevant to me in that case. However, being Christian does mean I should treat her and her beliefs with respect.

                      Personally I think if folks were really Christian (a term I don’t like because I have many Hindu and Jewish friends, but will go with it for now) they would remember that Jesus had love for everyone, was particularly close to a prostitute, and said not to judge others unless you know you are perfect (which no one is.). Judge the sin and not the sinner

                      I see little of that on the blogs….

                    • gizfield February 4, 2015 at 9:54 pm #

                      My personal philosophy of religion is that God sees us as his children. His laws and commandments are for OUR PROTECTION. Don’t lie, cheat, steal, murder. These are things that hurt every person involved. I also think that he wants something better for us than these activities will bring.

                      As for judgment, for the most part, it’s actually a form of correction and can be of benefit. I “judge” my daughter all time and she is a better person for it. It is really just holding someone to a higher standard. People who don’t judge usually don’t due to the fact that they don’t really care what you do or are.

                      I would like to recommend a book called The Traveler’s Gift by Andy Andrews. It
                      is where I got a lot of my ideas and I just found it very inspirational. It’s available on the Kindle, about $10 I think.

                    • Nicole November 10, 2015 at 5:28 pm #

                      You can get an annulment in the Catholic church if one of the partners was never baptised, therefore not responsible enough to know God, and therefore not responsible enough to understand the full ramifications of marriage. My ex’s father constantly cheated on his mother, and whilst he swore to me he’d never do that, and we were til death do us part, when I discovered his affair he said “but I was never going to leave you”. His parents are about to “celebrate” their 50th wedding anniversary. That isn’t a marriage, it’s a farce. So as the “semi-practicing Catholic” (I only get to mass about once a month) – I’m quite looking forward to hopefully getting an annulment. Because yes I have 23 years of marriage and two children, but he hasn’t been committed to our marriage, except for the “Perfect life” look since about 2 years into it. I should have run then before the kids were born.

                  • Blue February 4, 2015 at 5:15 pm #

                    I wish ‘Christians’ wpuld read the Ten Commandments?
                    They’re a very helpful way to live if you consider yourself Christian, even if you’re not.

                    From my experience ‘Christians’ and I use that term loosley, do not live by them. They live by their egos and what they can do to feed them. In fact some ‘Christians’ believe if they confess they’re absolved, but the thing is, if you don’t truly feel deep remorse and regret for your obvious sin, it truly means nothing to confess your sins.

                    • OHC February 4, 2015 at 6:38 pm #

                      And do you believe you can tell whether a person feels remorse or not? In my experience no BS feels any OW has any remorse. They hang their hat on it because it fits with the story that makes sense to them. The fact of the matter is that true remorse may or may not look like what you think it should look like. Which is why priests, and not those who are wronged, are the ones who grant absolution

                      But again, if you aren’t Catholic and don’t believe in absolution that’s your right. I tend to think that any one who claims to be Christian and then sits in judgement of others is rarely true to the spirit of what that word means

                  • gizfield February 4, 2015 at 10:12 pm #

                    This Reply button is crazy. Lol. Stuff goes where it wants.

                    I actually do think Jesus “judged” Mary Magdalene. He told her “Go, and sin no more.” He didn’t say Keep Doing What You’re Doing. He let her know she needed to correct her actions, for her own benefit. Just my thoughts.

                    • OHC February 5, 2015 at 7:28 am #

                      Agreed, I never know where my responses will end up

                      My interpretation was always judge the sin, not the sinner, as I said before. But I agree that he would have said to stop, which I agree with as well. I have said over and over again that I think affairs are wrong. It’s why I ended mine. You can put it in whatever language you’d like-sin, commandment-and most people would agree it’s wrong

                      On the other religious point that came up, though, I think it’s pretty rare these days for people to not believe that divorce is acceptable, for whatever reason. I do not believe in any way that if two people attain a divorce and then remarry that they are committing adultery. I also believe you can marry people of other religions and that two men or two women can choose to marry. So that one is a nonstarter for me

                    • cheatersneverprosper December 16, 2015 at 2:07 pm #

                      Wisdom at its best!

              • CovenantWife December 11, 2016 at 10:21 pm #

                Sorry OHC

                But you can’t really be considered a Christian if you don”t follow the bible, it state clearly in Malachi 2:16 God hates divorce. Pride cometh before a fall and you’re headed for one

          • EvilShowsItself October 25, 2015 at 7:25 pm #

            Phyllis, Gosh I just hated whenever someone quotes from the Bible. It shows that you are brainless, brainwashed, and easily trained without a mind of your own. What good are you. Life is not always black and white. Of course people can changed their mind and should be able to divorce if they realized they no longer want to be in it. The Bible was written by men! Stop being so delusional and preach falsely. Stop being so god damn judgmental all in the name of God (the Bible). What a freaking hypocrite you are. Stop worrying about how people choose to live their life or where they’ll go after death. Worry about YOURS instead. You ain’t going to heaven that’s for sure. Ptshh

            • Nicoli March 1, 2017 at 7:12 pm #

              I usually don’t reply or comment on this type of post but I think I am over it. Please look at what you have written. In our society, it has become ok to Christian bash. Are there plenty of Christians who are judgmental? Yes. But quoting the Bible for wisdom is not delusional. Takes amazing intelligence to get a Dr of Theology degree at Oxford, for instance. Apparently it is the hardest degree to obtain at that university. What she said is not preachy and she is commenting as one Christian to another about not cherry picking scripture. Also, she is quoting Malachi which is part of Jewish Wisdom literature. Ok so “brainless, brainwashed,, easily trained,no mind of your own,delusional and preachy, freaking hypocrite are not grotesque words of judgement? Is it ok for Jews to quote the Old Testament without being maligned? I wonder? I think you would do good to apologize. Especially if there are any religious Jews on this site. Thank you

          • you poor victims November 10, 2015 at 6:47 pm #

            The same bible and same books of the bible where the man has a woman on the side? Not the place I would go to for advice or to condemn others. Sorry!

            • CovenantWife December 11, 2016 at 10:25 pm #

              let me guess you get your new age advice from your yoga instructor? Just another suburban white lady misapppropriating whats not hers

          • Stephagrl April 26, 2017 at 7:57 pm #

            Thank you!

        • Just a Thought February 8, 2015 at 12:18 am #

          Hello, I’m an adult child of a failed marriage plagued by domestic violence, alcoholism & substance abuse (both), mental illness (mom), and infidelity (dad).

          My biological father abandoned his wife (my mother), my brother, and me to take up with his mistress (also married to another man).

          Honestly… It appears to have been the best thing that ever happened to my father. He was absent throughout my childhood, but after divorcing their respective spouses, he and his mistress married and stayed married until his death (about 30 years.) During that time they got clean, got stable, and made a family.

          Meanwhile, my mother continued on a downward spiral, entering into several abusive relationships, drinking and abusing well into early middle age. She gladly relinquished her children to her parents’ custody to continue her party girl lifestyle which included casual relationships with married men. However, even during brief visits both my brother and I were subjected to heinous physical, verbal, and emotional abuse both by her and her various partners.. In old age she is clean and sober but still battles depression and is still incredibly emotionally abusive.

          My stepmother has never been anything but gracious and kind to me and to pretty much anybody else I’ve ever seen her interact with. Both she and my father made efforts to be part of my life, but my mother and her parents routinely intervened to prevent it until they gave up. I harbor no ill-will towards my stepmother for “stealing” my father. Nor have I ever done so. She appears to be a good, respectable woman and I hope she feels no guilt for her affair and marriage to my father. Not for my sake, anyway.

          My late grandmother looked down her nose at my stepmother and called her a “putain.” Somehow, this contempt never found its way to her own daughter’s amoral behavior. To this day my mother bitterly recalls every mean thing my father ever did to her, but will not hesitate to shut me down if I attempt to dialogue about her drunk boyfriend nearly beating me to death one night when I was a teenager.

          I appreciate my background is a more extreme example, but my opinion…Sometimes infidelity happens because a marriage is bad. Plain and simple.

          This is a support site for wronged spouses. Every wronged spouse wants to believe their marriage is solid and wonderful and that infidelity (sexual or emotional) is just escapism, distraction, or whatever. It’s just not always true. I suspect it’s OFTEN not always true but it’s easiser to condemn a “homewrecker” than it is to look objectively at all the facts.

          Sometimes the affair partner really IS the soul mate, the great true love of that person’s life. The unfaithful spouse really IS a better and happier person with the affair partner.

          For the record, my ex-husband was unfaithful. I’ve always looked down on him because his girlfriend was so OBVIOUSLY using him for short-term gratification. And she was. She dumped him within six weeks of our separation.

          If he’d found a true soul mate, someone who helped him grown and evolve…well, I’d still be hurt, but I’d find it in my heart to be glad for them. Since he was willing to cheat I obviously wasn’t what he needed to feel complete, secure, and happy.

          I challenge all the wronged spouses hurling vitriol at the OW/OM to really examine themselves and figure out why they feel so much hatred. Is it because you know deep down that your marriages really aren’t the best fit (for YOU as well as your spouse?) Is it because you identify a level of affection and commitment in the affair couple you haven’t experienced with your spouse? That’s frightening, I know, especially if you’ve built up a family, assets, and a strong social life. You’ve got concrete assets to lose in addition to the blow to your pride.

          Worse, you’ll NEVER REALLY know FOR CERTAIN if your spouse didn’t re-committ to you out of genuine love and respect for YOU OR because s/he didn’t want to lose those assets and comforts, either. I can see why that would bother you but no point in insulting OW on the internet because of it.

          Another thought to keep in mind, every time you damn the OW or OM, calling them vile names and such, just remember, you’re sleeping with exactly the same at home (assuming you and your unfaithful spouse still have normal relations).

          I know you want to believe in karma, that the “whore” and your spouse will “get theirs” if your spouse leaves you to build a new life with the “whore.” What if their karma was to meet and build a happy and enduring life together? Several famous long-term marriages began as affairs.Why would you want to stand in the way of that karma?

          If you believe in actual karma (not to be confused with vengefulness and rage) you’d be better off questionning how YOU have grown and what life lessons YOU learned from your marriage (including any betrayal and ending of the marriage). Once you’ve assimilated those lessons, you can advance to a better relationship for yourself. Or even be happier as a single person.

          • sammy February 8, 2015 at 10:11 am #

            Your parents’ marriage was dysfunctional and your father was able to make a better life for himself. That was good in the long run for him. But doing so created collateral damage. No one says that divorce is always a bad option. It’s a good option in dysfunctional marriages. If the marriage is so terrible…file for divorce and then be free to pursue others. The disrespect of checking out waters before jumping ship is what bothers me the most. And actually most cheaters aren’t looking for a life partner – they are looking for cake…and then in some cases it becomes more. And some get so caught up in the fantasy that they place importance on themselves without regard to their families. There may be deficits in the marriage, but turning outwardly to solve them is not what marriage is about. It shows a lack of commitment to the marriage. If the deficits can’t be fixed, then divorce. Don’t lie and deceive your partner – it’s the ultimate disrespect for someone you vowed you would care for and cherish. My spouse was a serial cheater – never came clean at any time until he was caught after years of calculated deceit. I actually thought we had a decent marriage – he failed to inform me that it wasn’t good for him. He made unilateral decisions about determining how I saw my own reality and made decisions about my health without my knowledge (diseases). He was looking for sparkles and butterfilies. Some people are like that and some (like your father) may have been looking for something more serious, but all cases of cheating involves deception. No one is saying that the betrayed spouse is perfect – the cheater blames the betrayed spouse for what is essentially the cheater’s inability to deal with the problems. He should look at his own failings to the marriage and cheating is one of them. Your mother had mental illness. Maybe she wasn’t the nicest person – many with mental illness aren’t. Does that justify your father lying to her? If the marriage is so unbearable and unsustainable, he should have done the courageous thing and filed for divorce, since in the end the cheating will cause that anyway. Don’t add that extra trauma to the spouse. I think in my spouse’s case it has to do with some sort of depression/narcissism so I pity him rather than feel vengeful. I don’t really blame the other women individually since if it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else. You write: “you’d be better off questioning how YOU have grown and what life lessons YOU learned from your marriage (including any betrayal and ending of the marriage)”. I’d advise YOU to take your own advice and question how/if you have grown in dealing with a mentally ill mother and the anger you harbor from that. The bottom line is that there is NO justification for cheating. Leave a marriage – if you haven’t left yet, it must not have been that bad. The marriage usually seems SO horrible when you meet someone sparkly and new. In the long run, my marriage ending was the best thing that could have happened since I learned the truth and became more aware that my spouse was abusive in lying to me. Initially I felt I had to fix things….help him in some way since perhaps it was depression…for better for worse. We went through counseling and thought sticking by him, loving him will stop the behavior. A few years later he cheated long term again. I realized that he was taking me for a ride because I let him. I realized I was an enabler and it became clear to me that the marriage had to end. Although he was a serial cheater, he was furious when I ended the marriage (which didn’t make sense since he was “in love” with his OW). Some people never grow up and some people have personality disorders. I finally gave up on him just like your father did to your mother. But I didn’t cheat and lie to my spouse because I still respected the vows I said to him while married. You want to justify cheating because of this or that, or blame the spouse for being awful, but in its simplest form – cheating is abuse.

            • Just a Thought February 8, 2015 at 3:55 pm #

              sammy, you’re mistaken. I do not “want to justify cheating.” I have been a wronged spouse, too, and I agree that infidelity is unfair to the marriage and to the family. I have never betrayed a spouse or indulged in an affair, either.

              My point is that, however right/wrong, fair/unfair a situation is/isn’t, sometimes things happen for a reason and it’s usually smart to sit up and take notice of the big picture.

              You’re likely right. Perhaps your spouse was “just looking for cake.” He was certainly looking for something beyond the life the two of you built together. Minimizing his affairs as “unimportant” and “cake” does not alter that reality. Maybe he didn’t really want his affair partner/s, but he obviously didn’t respect your needs and safety, either. Sounds like you’re way better off without that negativity in your life.

              As for my alleged anger at my mother… Thank you. I’ve reached a level of maturity and enlightenment where that anger and disappointment was just too big a beast on my back for me to continue carrying it. Once I let it go and gained some acceptance and inner peace, I became a much happier productive being. It didn’t happen overnight but it was worth it.

          • gizfield February 8, 2015 at 10:41 am #

            Thank you, Just a Thought, for that beautiful rendition of the “Adultery is o.k. if your spouse is bad enough” speech. We’ve all heard it many times before. Just with a few variations. By the way, what on earth is a “putain”? I may have to add it to my vocabulary.

            No, Bad Marriages cause divorce, not adultery. Cheaters cause adultery, due to their own selfishness. My first husband was an abusive alcoholic and I cheated on him. Not justifiable. The co cheater didn’t turn out to be my soulmate so I guess I’m screwed. (Does it count if I thought he was at the time?) If he was my wrongdoing could be elevated out of it’s “wrong” status into a ” good” status. Do you see how erroneous this thinking is? My behavior was still wrong and bad either way.

            Marriage is for you to help improve the lives of your spouse and children. I imagine your father deserting his first family to start another one didn’t contribute to your mother’s problems at all. If he had improved so much as you think, he and his soul mate could have raised you together, have you ever considered that? But they didn’t. They only thought of themselves. Their happiness. Not their spouses, not their children. THEM SELVES. It’s easy to talk a good game. Lots more difficult to do it. You didn’t live with these two from what I can tell. You don’t ever know what people are like when you aren’t around. This page is filled with “closet” cheaters, and drunks, and sociopaths and God knows what else who were perceived as wonderful people. Until the truth came out. Sometimes it does, many times it does not.

            As far as what I think of or say about Cheaters, including my own husband, that’s really my own choice. I’ll say what I like. That’s your choice as well. Did your argument change my thoughts in any way? Nope. I had a set of cheaters in my family that was a variation on this as well. I’ve seen it and heard it before.

            • Just a Thought February 8, 2015 at 6:15 pm #

              To gizfield:

              1) Refrain from twisting my words. I never claimed “adultery is o.k.”.

              2) Moving forward, it’s worth considering that many people and cultures do not censure adultery.

              It is pointless to debate which values are “right” or “wrong.” Better to focus on what is “right” or “wrong” FOR YOU. If adultery is a deal-breaker FOR YOU, fine. Spell it out to your spouse and dump him if he doesn’t toe the line. If he strays and you’d rather keep him, keep him and work on the marriage. If he strays and decides to leave you, REJOICE! He’s doing you a favor, perhaps a greater favor than if he insisted on staying in the marriage when his heart and will aren’t really in it.

              Marriage is challenging. Fidelity is easy IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN IT.

              As for chronically casting hate/blame on a former OW/OM who becomes the new wife/husband of the cheating spouse…I could find better things to do. An adulterous marriage, divorce, and remarriage of the guilty parties sounds stressful enough without draggining in additional negative behaviors.

              3) It’s not my place to say whether your adultery to your first husband is right or wrong. It’s not my place to evaluate whether your AP was your soul mate. He may very well have been. Not every karmic relationship or soul mate relationship results in marriage. Most soul mates and karmic relationships are intended to help individual souls evolve. Some of these relationships are quite brief, others last lifetimes.

              If your AP brought you any comfort or insight into the unsuitability of your first marriage, then I’d say YES good came from that. If the affair brought you shame, disgrace, or self-loathing, it’s STILL beneficial because you learned such relationships won’t enrich your life. HOWEVER, I don’t encourage holding on to shame or self-loathing. Just accept the lesson, adjust your way of life, and move forward.

              According to karmic principles, our life experiences enable spiritual evolution. Sometimes a soul must experience hardships to learn something important about themselves or others. Sometimes one soul is “indebted” to another and the souls meet only to resolve and settle the debt before moving on.

              3) Your speculations regarding my parents’ marriage are precisely that. Speculation. Easy to say things might have been better for my mother and our family if he’d stayed. Sure, it’s a possibility. Equally possible — they might have murdered each other. Deranged, dysfunctional people frequently do that. So what, then?

              4) As I already mentionned, my father and my stepmother DID want to raise me and took legal action to do so. They were unsuccessful. What should they have done? Kidnapped me and fled the country? I’m not saying they were perfect people with perfect lives. However, they did sustain a successful, long-term marriage.

              5) I don’t consider my father and my stepmother any more selfish than most people. The wronged spouses on this forum strike me as pretty selfish and not a little out of touch with reality, all dunning the AP for not expressing regret or apology to THEM for hurting THEM.

              If you want to receive compassion, try giving some. Make it all about your pain and victimhood, you’ll attract the same. Up to you. Good luck.

              • gizfield February 8, 2015 at 6:57 pm #

                Just a Thought.

                1. I’m not sure which of your words you think I twisted. I’m not going to debate it. Everyone here can read and the entire point of your comment is how “good” things turned out for your father and his affair partner.

                2. I’m not in another culture, so why are their thoughts on adultery relevant to me. Lots of cultures think it’s ok to do many things I don’t. What does that matter?

                3. I don’t believe in soulmates, karma and all that stuff. I do believe in consequences for your actions. Sometimes you suffer consequences for the actions of others, unfortunately. That’s about it. I don’t have any shame or self loathing so I wouldn’t concern myself about that. Why should I? I admitted my wrongdoing and corrected it. What more is there left to do?

                4. Courts look at the behavior of parents when awarding custody. People who abandon a family then want it back are looked at with suspicion. That’s one of those consequences I mentioned earlier.

                5. Yes, let’s blame the people cheated on as being selfish. They are not “claiming” Victimhood. They ARE victims of selfish people, in particular cheaters on this blog. I have more than enough compassion to go around but I don’t give it to people who victimize others. You are certainly welcome to do so.

              • you poor victims November 10, 2015 at 6:55 pm #

                Thank you for your story. Also, what many people fail to see is that many spouses don’t even know they are in a bad marriage until they find out otherwise. Not everyone on here is the OW, some people were the ones who left for the other person and are happy and found this site looking for something else. In hindsight my ex without me holding him back let and got even more hooked on drugs than the was, got himself into unspeakable debt, hit our kids when they were over there and moved out of state. Consider why your ex cheated on you…. The amount of hate is astounding. Let it go. There are different ways to look at things. Your opinion is not always the same as others. Accept others for theirs and they will accept you for yours. Move on.

          • OHC February 8, 2015 at 2:00 pm #

            Just a Thought, thank you for being brave enough to share your story, it’s heartbreaking. I truly hope you are in a better place now from all the events of your childhood. You sound like you are a survivor. Don’t worry about some of the comments here, your story is your story and you should own what makes sense to you and what has helped you get to the place you are now.

            • Just a Thought February 8, 2015 at 9:26 pm #

              Thanks so much for your kindness! 🙂 My childhood was far from idyllic, but I’ve enjoyed many blessings in life and I’ve learned to be thankful for them. Not worried about comments. I’m clued in to the board’s tone and I don’t expect everything I say to be well received by everyone. Best wishes!

          • Still healing February 8, 2015 at 6:48 pm #

            I guess I hate the OW so much because I poured my heart out to her when he first left. She pretended to be his “friend” that he needed. What is interesting is he and I were very close and “best friends” for most of our marriage. Our marriage wasn’t perfect and it takes two to make it work. In the end he went through a very bad midlife. I am not sure why it was so bad because I was the kind of spouse that encouraged him to go out and have a couple of beers with buddies. I didn’t want that marriage that after 20 years failed because we never got to do fun things with friends as well as each other. He has a very low self esteem. I spent the whole marriage telling him how great he was (and I meant it). He was a good husband and father. So as this midlife got worse, he bought himself a secret cell phone. I didn’t know about the cell phone when I saw the hundreds of calls to a from a certain number for almost a year’s time. I confronted him and asked him who this person was. He lied through his teeth and I believed it because he was a good man and I never had reason to believe otherwise. He started creating stupid fights. I see now why he did it but back then it was awful. I was going through a depression because of something tragic that happened to me (involved finding a family member dead). I started seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor and they put me on medication. My job suffered and my home life suffered. He had never been depressed and didn’t understand what was going on. I took my medicine faithfully and I got worse. I have figured out since then that the clonopin I was prescribed made me almost psychotic. As he was creating fights with me, I was responding like a lunatic at times. It was not me. He found this woman he made “friends” with and she was his shoulder to lean on. When I discovered what was going on, I was emailing her pouring my heart out to her. He and I were already in counseling because of his midlife and because of my depression. The counselor told me later he never said one bad word about me. NOT ONE. The OW told him they couldn’t be friends because he needed to work on is marriage. Two days later “the couldn’t stand it any longer” and they were “friends” again. It was an awful bitter divorce. I guess I can’t stand her for two reasons. One, for not allowing him the time to figure out what was going on in his marriage after having such a good marriage for so many years. And we really did. And two, for the awful things she says about me to my kids. I wrote about that in another post. I know I had part in the marriage failing. Once I was able to quit taking the meds, I was a different person. I can see now that he was already looking elsewhere because of his midlife and my depression helped him out the door. But isn’t that what “for better or for worse” is? Does it mean run and never look back? So I didn’t get the chance to open up in counseling and I feel this woman (he’s her fourth husband now by the way) knew what to say to push him away so he’d come running back. Admit it. Many girls know how to play the games to get what they want. And now since there is nothing left to get at me with, they use the kids. I just wish there was a way to never have to deal with them again but it’s not going to happen with 4 kids.

          • ariella May 10, 2015 at 12:16 am #

            You are SOOOOOO right. I cannot believe the level of toxicity on here and what really makes me sad is that it is so harmful to them. When you hate like that you are the one who harmed by it. We have the power over our feelings, not someone else. You are truly an inspiration to everyone who reads your words!

            • Marci May 11, 2015 at 8:20 am #

              @ariella ..spoken like an ignorant child. You obviously haven’t experienced any pain in life. It is like telling a mother who has lost a child to suck it up and to stop being bitter. It is a journey to heal.. some takes longer to heal. In any healing process there is anger. So you obviously don’t understand what these people are going through.. don’t judge out of ignorance it might just bite you in the butt later on. Never say never

              • ariella May 11, 2015 at 8:45 am #

                Marci – I see you are a psychic. You know all. Yes, much better to wallow and wallow in misery for years! I am not judging, just offering an observation. You are the one judging me and calling me names! And, hoping for some misfortune to befall me ’cause you don’t like what I said. Sick!!!!!!!!

              • cynthia July 21, 2015 at 6:11 pm #

                Your are so full of bitterness, can’t you see that? In the end, it will consume you, but I hope that doesn’t happen. I hope you can move on and feel better about yourself and Life- people do make mistakes, you know.

                • cynthia July 21, 2015 at 6:13 pm #

                  Oh, and my comment was for Marci. I should have said that.

                • Doug July 23, 2015 at 10:32 am #

                  This came to our email for some reason – It’s a reply from Marci:

                  “@ Cynthia. LOL I’m not bitter… Yes I was hurt… Yes I was angry…. I tried to find the thread you’re referring to but couldn’t find it as it was a while ago. My ex and I get on remarkably well… he even stays over when he is in town…. but that doesn’t mean I’m ok with his actions… I also have the opportunity to date a married man… but I won’t hurt another woman and kids like that…. but I appreciate your concern for me Cynthia”

            • Nikki February 19, 2016 at 3:36 am #

              Ariella, I think other peoples pain is making you feel guilty. Just because someone is bitter now doesn’t mean they will be bitter a few years out and your so called care appears false. You seem to be totally underestimating (or denying) the pain felt by the BS. On first finding out, the BS will experience a form of PTSD. PTSD is very serious and at this point people may actually Kill themselves….without good support. Second, the biochemistry of the affair has been shown by studies at Boson University to look very much like an addiction to Cocaine when you put someone in an MRI. That is not “true love” but it is mistaken for such. Thats one of the many reasons affairs don’t work out because after a few years that chemistry wears off, the person comes out of the affair fog, but often it is too late to repair the marriage because of the damage done. There are many reasons why an affair may happen but immaturity in relationship skills or midlife crisis (when the adulterer’s family of origin issues catch up with them) is the usual culprit. Research at Stanford University shows a very predictable “V” shape to marital satisfaction over the life span. That is, marital satisfaction starts high at the start of marriage, falls steadily down to the lowest point in midlife, and then steadily climbs up again, often at greatest satisfaction at maturity. In mid-life, what we need to be doing is letting go of our fantasies, not indulging in them by having an affair. Having an affair is basically stunting your growth as a person by blaming all of your issues and unhappiness on your spouse. As we mature, we need to take responsibility for our own feelings and stop expecting others to fix us and make us “feel” better about ourselves. Unfortunately our culture promotes the opposite…if it feels good it can’t be wrong. Or my spouse is making me unhappy and I deserve to be happy so I’ll find my happiness elsewhere…sorry but doomed to failure. Finally the statistics for the success of affairs over the long hall are dismal. Of all affairs, only about 10% actually end up in marriage. Out of that 10%, only about 1% lasts a lifetime. There is good reason for the failure rate…affairs are fantasy and require a great deal of self deception as well as the deception of others. It is also why usually people often don’t start out to have an affair and have that feeling of it just happening to them. That Biochemistry is really strong but it is not real love and will only last 18 to 36 months once it is challenged by reality. Real love is sacrificial, not how that other person makes me “feel”. feelings are never stable and are always changing. Basing our life on how we feel at any given time is foolishness and sets us up for continuous disappointment. Take it or leave it but food for thought at least.

            • Nicoli March 1, 2017 at 7:20 pm #

              Time for you get off this site …Gaslighter

          • Isledivah October 13, 2016 at 12:25 am #

            HALLELUJAH!! YOU SAID IT ALL!! YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK AND SEND IT TO THOSE BITTER EX-WIVES WHO CAN’T MOVE ON BECAUSE THEY RAGE ABOUT THE OW/OM…MOVE ON PEOPLE…THEY LEFT YOUR BUTTS ANYWAYS, LET THEM EXPERIENCE WHATEVER COMES TO THEM..WHY SHOULD YOU EVEN COME TO THIS PLACE AND TELL EVERYONE YOUR WHOLE 9 YARDS OF A LIFE STORY AND CUSS AND JUDGE, WHEN YOU JUST WASTED 5 MINUTES OF YOUR TIME TO GO OUT AND MEET SOMEONE ELSE…I LOVE THIS BLOG

        • smh February 19, 2015 at 3:17 am #

          Wow..thank you. As a woman caught in the middle of a situation with a married man I truly appreciate hearing that all women are not as described in mot of these scenarios. I met a man whom I fell in love with and seemingly felt the same about me not knowing he was married. Yes now that I know I’m torn between leaving him because it’s the moral thing to do or staying and allowing him to continue the process of a divorce that was happening long before I came into the picture. We are extremely happy together. I will never speak bad of his wife. There are three children involved none of them his all belonging to his wife. His children are grown. I have no problem with him continuing a relationship with his step children. His wife does not want him and I have heard the words from her mouth without her knowing of course. However I do feel that if she finds out about me she will only want him because she does not want anyone else to have him. I feel terrible about myself everytime I read these blogs however I am not heartless or anything like how :the other woman” is portrayed.

        • yvonne February 23, 2015 at 1:20 pm #

          I agree with this reply with some reservations. I also agree when you are decent person and meet someone who is married. You can want to pull away but feeling and maybe other reasons or another you believe that this person is for you. Your intentions are not to ruin any one’s life. Maybe you don’t see the whole picture. But one thing for sure, you believed that this person was the one for you. Let’s talk about today. Married for nearly thirty years I have been called every name in the book. Talked down and have been told. Cheated on. Given the bare essentials in living quarters. As the years flew by I realized that my cell number was given to the ex W. She knew my work scheduled. When he was told about my scheduling only hours before. Even though she lives on the other side of town and is remarried. She would arrive near my job. Followed me in traffic . Giving me my hand gestures. In other words he is now working with her to create confusion. He has reminded me constantly of how we got together. This was not a good marriage. I should have left him years ago. We met over 30 years ago.and that was the worst decision I have ever made. He was a monster. He did more that cheat on me. He did what ever he wanted I managed to educate myself enough to achieve different degrees which he despised with negative comments. The truth is he was in a bad marriage but I should have walked away. I would never encourage anyone to be the other women. I have high self esteem and with having strong faith in God has allowed me to move on. In conclusion : the other women’s intentions are not always selfish and not caring. Sometimes feelings of the heart take over. But we do pay. But also we deserve forgiveness. The wrong is always placed on the other women. When these women know in their hearts these men don’t really want them. They delude themselves in believing that these men will stay. They would rather continue having empty promises given by cheating men who hurt other women. Regardless whether or not they leave them for someone or just walk away. These women are hurting . Even though I am truly sorry for becoming involved with a rotten man . I feel in some way she is responsible for not standing up to him for cheating. She knew he was cheating I definitely was not the first. I saved her. For continuing to keep that wretched low class what ever at the top of her list. I suggest she concentrate on her present husband before she loses him, It doesn’t have to be to another women it could be from her neglect., And the reason could be she refuses to celebrate her new life.
          Oh by the way I know longer care about the ex wife following me or being called home wrecker. My conscious tells me that God forgave me. I am not holding my head down and feeling low I still have a lot of good ness to give .And I have done a lot of good in my life.

        • Bee April 25, 2015 at 12:39 pm #

          Really? You think that this is ok ? Listen to yourself.. You sound like my Exs new wife. He left us. That’s what she said to me when she took him away from his family. ” we couldn’t help it we fell in love” excuse me the man had three kids and a spouse at home who was willing to do anything to save the relationship, including willing to forgive him for his” mistake”. Well he chose his mistake over me and his children. He devastated me , to this day it is still a pain I will never forget. His wife was and is still cruel and selfish. The anger that is present all around us is because of their disgusting choice that tore my family apart. Do you think it’s fair for the other spouse to have to start all over again , leave the family home and town because the other woman cannot handle the fact we have children together . We cannot even be friends with eachother cause ” we have history”. Yet she’d is besties with her ex whom her sister stole from her right out from under her nose! It’s sick. My kids are in the middle of their crap. She is harsh on my kids. Treats her 2 she has with him like little angels that do nothing wrong . It’s a lot different when your spouse leaves and then starts a relationship and then go no to get married because at least then there is no baggage bring brought into the marriage . However , if you are the OP marrying the cheater you are going to be bringing guilt, anger and resentment into it. May not be at first , but it the cracks will show and they have because she does not trust him period . That’s karma for you. So for those OP who think it’s going to be peaches and rainbows when you do marry , think again those issues he has.. Are now all yours! Never blame the betrayed spouse or the kids because they did cheat, you did. Did u ever think the ex spouse does not like you for destroying her life/ family? This piece is bang on. Don’t kid yourself lady you are standing on a land mine and one day that land mine is hoping to blow up. Then it may not , but all that baggage will never leave . That feeling that you have’won’ you haven’t . You will lose more than you think you have won. cheers oh and grow up find a man who is not married and maybe you won’t have so many issues with the BW and kids!!

        • No Excuses June 12, 2015 at 1:02 am #

          Spoken like a true other woman. Have it happen to you and get back to us!!!! You can justify anything!, Im sick of hearing stories like yours! It was a bad marriage, horrible ex wife, we just met and fell in love sometimes these things happen. Bull Crap!!!
          There will never never be an excuse for an affair! Affairs are wrong solutions to the problem plain and simple.
          And it always seems to start with a simple conversation and then one person has to open your mouth about something now been Ray at home and then it’s on. Having just lost my husband to an affair I speak with authority. The betrayed wife and family are just collateral damage to 2 peoples selfishness! I always love to hear the justifications from liars and cheats. Just remember how you get them is how you lose them it is a very true cliche!!!!!! Shame on you.

          • Joy February 16, 2016 at 9:57 pm #

            The AP’s in these comments make me sick! First of all, all men say how horrible their wives are, how nuts they are, they don’t love them anymore, they weren’t happy for a long time when they start an affair. Ask any marriage counselor. The excuses go on endlessly! Well let me tell you something’s. I was only with my husband for 4 years, only married not even a year, have a son together, and he raised my 7 year old daughter since she was 3. When I found out my husband had begun an emotional affair with a woman he met while they both stopped at 7-11 every morning before work, yes, I went nuts! I threatened her, threatened him, did all kinds of crazy stuff. I could have done a lot more but my kids are more important then the two of them. I had just had my life torn apart, as well as the lives of the two smaller children. I was shocked, hurt, and in so much pain I didn’t know how to act. I behaved all the wrong ways, I won’t deny that. He is 34, she is 22, and also moved out of her boyfriends house, with whom she has a baby, to be with my husband. Though she denies that was the reason. They have been doing all this since the beginning of September, but she got her own place in October and he has pretty much lived with her since. They have even introduced each other to their families, and he snuck my son to meet her fairly early on, he is only 3, and was keeping him overnights at her house until our settlement when it was confirmed there would be no more overnights with his mistress until September 1st, closer to when our divorce will be final. He has ran my name through the dirt, saying every thing above that I said they all say, told her our financial stuff and how much he makes, and told her all my secrets. My husband bitched about stuff but never once told me he would leave. Always said he wasn’t going anywhere and that he was happy. Hung all over me and told me he loved me a million times a day. I did everything I could for him. He worked and wanted me to stay home with the kids and to take care of the house. I was a great wife, but I had my flaws. I thought about him every second of every day. Loved him deeper then any other woman he was with. No sexual problems. Things were great in that department. Then suddenly one day he tells me he hasn’t been happy for awhile. its me, it’s his job, it’s the house, it’s the kids. You women that think you are doing someone a favor, you are not. You are bringing yourselves into something that you have no business in. If not for this girl, I know me and my husband would have worked through everything. I know it was his fault too. But bringing a third party into the mix pretty much made it impossible to fix things. I agree with the person who said the couples should be left alone to either work it out or end it, and if they end it, until they do, women like you should stay where the hell you belong. She didn’t save my husband from nothing. She caused him a lot of crap by going along with him. He now has our son for 10 overnights a month, and then complains about not seeing him enough.Well, guess what buddy, you should have thought about that. He wants to know who I’m dating bc he is concerned for our son. First, I would never put the kids in danger, and second, he should have thought about that too before he threw his sons mom back into the dating world, where I never planned nor wanted to be again, bc I wanted to be with him. I would have done anything to save our marriage. Even after what he did bc it was the first time. But he chose to leave it all behind partially bc she don’t care about his family and says she isn’t going away. It’s selfish. That really is all its about. If she cared about his kids, she would back the hell off and see if things could be worked out. But she wouldn’t do that even from the start. She is proud and enjoys knowing what she did. Then she sits at work all day stalking my Facebook. I have blocked her from two so far and know she has a third she uses. What’s up with that anyway???

        • betrayed September 17, 2015 at 2:26 pm #

          You had no right to pursue or get involved with a married man who had children and lied about his affair while still using his wife for many things, like cooking, taking care of the children, etc.

          You and the man are self-centered narcissists who feel you are entitled to intentionally hurt innocent people for life at the expense of getting your short-term needs met. If the husband divorced his wife, then he is available. However, there is no justification to ever breaking up a marriage and family. You are a bad person inside and out.

        • Anne October 4, 2015 at 8:09 pm #

          If someone is “Unhappy”, and not interested in putting in the work to fix the situation, then finish the relationship in a dignified and respectful manner. Integrity matters.

          To the OM or OW… If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you. Fantasy. Adrenalin, Lostness in life, Secrecy, and an Ego charge( courtesy of Lee Baucom, PhD) is not a substitute for a real relationship. It might feel good in the moment, but it doesn’t last. It’s a selfish act that devastates your spouse and children. It’s a temporary high not based in reality. Remember… When the high wears off, you are still stuck with who YOU are at the end of the day.

        • Dana October 20, 2015 at 9:45 am #

          You seem to speak pretty highly of yourself and have no regret, I’m sorry, but to become the “other woman” in any relationship that has not “ended” still says that you are pretty heartless.

        • Mumstar1969 October 27, 2015 at 9:56 am #

          Spoken by someone who has been on the receiving end of an affair. That attitude is smug and self serving. Have your partner cheat on you and say to his next partner that he was trapped in a terrible marriage. There are two sides to every story. I bet you didn’t get to hear the ex’s perspective on their marriage.

        • Phyllis Lot January 11, 2016 at 8:56 pm #

          New for you. Read Luke 16:18 and 1 Corinthians 6:9. Marrying someone who is divorced with a living spouse is adultery-punishable by eternity in Hell. So much for you rescuing him from a terrible marriage. You will burn for eternity if you do not repent–turn away and leave the adulteress relationship. This is what God says.

        • Kathrine May 18, 2016 at 6:42 pm #

          I’m not going to call you names because that doesn’t serve any purpose. If a marriage is bad, then get out. “Trapped” in a bad marriage? No one is trapped. If it’s as bad as you said it was, then he should have had the courage to end that marriage without involving another woman. Children don’t deserve that. I don’t have to say ANYTHING bad about the OW because my children know what happened – not from me but from other children! If you couldn’t have enough love and respect for his children to encourage him to get out of his marriage before pursuing your “love” then that is just plain wrong. We are all humans and everyone makes mistakes – however, you two obviously crossed boundaries to fall in love in the first place. There is appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior when you are dealing with married men – and you clearly had no problem crossing that boundary. It was wrong, even if you were “in love”. If it was true love then it could have waited until he was out of his marriage. Any thing else was just selfish on your parts. I’m glad that his ex and his kids have accepted you, but for you to think that this is how it SHOULD work is naive. I “get along” with the OW because my children have been through enough. But I promise you…if they could choose, they wouldn’t have her around at all. My 18 year old says “Anyone who could do that to her own family and mine, is not someone I have any desire to be around. Fortunately, I am an adult and don’t have to. I feel bad for my sister…she HAS to accept this situation.” That enough for you?

        • DON'T GET IT TWISTED July 4, 2016 at 7:30 pm #

          Yep, I’m sure God in His infinite wisdom made your soulmate a married man. Do you people understand what marriage is? It is a SACRED union between a man and a woman, under the sight of God! It is selfish women that goes after a married man, knowing full well that he belongs to another. Your ‘HAPPINESS’ is IRRELEVANT! Affairs hurt the betrayed wife, the children, the extended family. Just because something ‘feels’ good and makes you ‘happy’ doesn’t mean that it is the right decision. “True Love”? Love is PATIENT, Love is KIND….LOVE DOESN’T HURT!!! I just see a whole bunch of justifications in your comment. You want to feel vindicated for having had an affair with a married man. You want to believe that ‘your’ situation was positive and better than the woman who shared her story above. But the thing is…the outcome may have been different, but you still HURT people and you still got involved with a married man. That is just plain wrong. The respectful thing and honourable thing to do is to allow the husband to work out his marriage and if that can’t be achieved then give him space to finalise divorcing from his wife. Ironically, the person who needs to “GROW UP” is you! Your feelings and happiness do not replace what is right and what is moral.

        • Adrianne January 4, 2017 at 1:57 am #

          No one is “trapped” in a marriage. You are clearly in the wrong and know it, which is why you are on the site and your entire post is defensive and full of excuses. A shame that you are proud of helping turn a woman’s daughter against her as well. Sick and sad. And I doubt you are as happy as you claim. It’s clear from your post that you aren’t.

        • Jess February 10, 2017 at 5:20 pm #

          Blimey. You sound happy that someone else’s child likes you better than their own mother. Do you really think he was telling his wife he was unhappy? Why didn’t he get out of the marriage before hooking up with someone else. You sound like a real piece of work.

        • Chickmeister February 13, 2017 at 10:37 am #

          You are the “Horrible Person”. NOT his WIFE. “Nice People” do not have sex with other women’s husbands. Do not fool yourself. People may be nice to your face, but they ARE talking about you behind your back. What goes around comes around, and someday it WILL happen to you. And YOU will deserve it. And you will find that you are NO BETTER than his former wife. Because you’re not. You just appear to have, like most sluts do, a problem with the size of your ego. And I hope his ex is around to laugh at your downfall. I know I would. In fact, if I were his ex, I would seduce him, and give you a little jingle afterward, detailing the event, just to brighten your day:). You deserve that too.

          • Danni February 13, 2017 at 11:21 am #

            You wrote the story-like you know the people: He was cheating on his wife and the AP was cheating on her hubby. The guy moved into the married woman’s house. The married woman’s hubby didn’t like that. So after 2 years the still married woman bought another house, (in her name only) and moved into it with her now divorced AP. There the guy and still married woman lived together for 3 more years until the married woman’s hubby died and she could inherit everything, or most of what the deceased hubby could not Will away under Illinois statute, AND as she had been advised by her AP who was a Divorce Planner. Now it is 6 years that this twosome has lived together and he starts cheating on her. I know, because I became the other woman-except I didn’t know, I thought I was the only woman. Painful for me, but I ended it. And, yes, many, many are laughing at this cheater woman, including the ex-wife. And how I now know the ex, cheated upon wife is another story, but a pure one, not a smarmy tale.

        • Not Here To Sugarcoat April 26, 2017 at 10:16 am #

          So by rescuing him or saving him, you mean you really just mean that you started a relationship with him while you were aware he was married. You’re either twisting your words to fit your own agenda or not giving us the full story, sweetheart. Is he over the age of 18? Does he have a driver’s license? Does he have access to a map and a vehicle? If the answer is yes then he could’ve drove his “damsel in distress” butt over to the file the papers himself, without needing your supervision. Unless perhaps you are insinuating that he is mentally incompetent and in this case we call your role “legal guardian and/or conservator” and generally a public administrator handles those cases. But it sounds to me like perhaps the only thing you are saving here is your own conscience through blatant denial techniques….so you don’t have to endure the full weight of the truth of your actual role in destroying this family. If this is the case, save yourself and start acknowledging your actual role as someone who unnecessarily interfered in someone else’s family. Btw, how does his child/children have any knowledge that you allegedly saved him from a bad marriage?? Did you tell them that? Did he? And do you really think that’s appropriate for you to say that to children….especially children that aren’t yours??? You are not their mother. You have no rights to them. You have no entitlement to tell them anything of this nature and it sounds like you are overstepping your bounds again. If he ditched you tomorrow, you could be nothing but a memory to those children because you’re as expendable to him and his children as his family was to him….bc you have no rights to them. Keep that in mind when you convince yourself that you have the right to do *fill in blank here* as it pertains to strictly those children.

          And as an addendum, your sarcastic “I’m sorry for your loss” is highly unwarranted. You clearly lack any sort of understanding about what the betrayed spouse (and here’s the kicker) and what the betrayed CHILDREN endure in a mess like this. You can paint yourself as the hero in whatever grand delusion that makes you feel good….and you are entitled to that… But don’t expect anyone else to live in your delusions with you. Whether you realize it or not, even your family holds some level of remorse/embarrassment for what you did and your friends have an underlying lack of trust for you. They all simply hide the truth from you as much as you hide from it yourself. Instead of closing with “I wish you the best”, I’ll close with “I truly hope you learn some compassion, humility, and understanding before karma teaches you the hard way….and it will….it always does”.

        • Tracey June 5, 2017 at 11:39 am #

          You fell in love with someone else’s husband…hate when that happens. WTF!

      • 1991 April 27, 2016 at 4:17 pm #

        @ex’s daughter – This sounds like my dad’s own situation. He had an affair with his tennent in the house that we rent out. He left because he was the classic: “bored”, “feels like life is passing him by” and that “my mother and his relationship had ran it’s course”. Midlife Crisis, IMO! My mum has MS and I have Aspergers: he said to me that he isn’t proud of me (*this was just guilt for his infidelity and that he doesn’t want to push her around in a wheelchair). He left just before Christmas, then begged to come back just before the New Year, crying his eyes out. He said that she was “dirty”, “didn’t dress well”, didn’t “cook”, “clean”, “wash” or “iron, basically calling her a scumbag. He also can’t stand her son who he calls “a loose cannon”, “his breath stinks”, “has wonky teeth”, “is always late to school” and “will never achieve anything in life”, sure she’d be flattered to hear all this stuff. He also compalined that the house is a complete tip, which it is, I’ve seen for myself. He then went because my mum took on his online phone records, then went right away, whithout any explaination. The OW, she is a manipulative, classless cowbag, who puts ideas into his head, like: “they’re not kids anymore… they’re adults and should be out of that house and contacting you”. Well, if that’s the case her 21 year old daughter shouldn’t be living in “OUR” house. He is deep in the fog, to the extent that he thinks that it is us (me and my brother) who should be reaching out to him. C’mon, we haven’t cheated or done anyting wrong at all. It’s him who should be bending over backwards. He hasn’t told his close friends, he’s leaving it to us (me, mum, brother) to tell others that he’s left and they’re disgusted with him. His mother, father and sister have disowned him, and he dosen’t seem to even care, complete 100% mental breakdown, IMO. I mean, the future for them doesn’t look great for them. My mother found while searching his phone records online that he’s been texting another number alongside the OW, which started two months before he started text the OW (if that makes any sence), which we believe to be her own sister (talk about sick)…. can’t wait for a couple of weeks time for when the OW gets a shattering text that he’s been unfaithful to her too, along with all the nasty things he’s said about her… (weather these are lies, i don’t know, but they seem pretty acurate). I also think he has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), he always needs to the center of attention, and when he’s not he can become very moody and depressed: I can’t wait until the OW finally meets Mr. NPD, it’ll come as a complete shock to her I bet. When he can’t get his own way, he throws a childish fit. Eventually I think he’ll start blaming her, for me and my brother not wanting anything to do with him (which is something your forgot to add; especially if the kids are teenagers and upwards in age).

        You may find this a good read, from a woman who had an affair and now feels like she’s second best in the marriage to her AP daughters, (which she sounds very bitter, insecure and jealous of) – http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2544201/My-warning-second-wives-Hell-dote-stepdaughters-itll-drive-wild-jealousy.html

        • Strengthrequired April 27, 2016 at 8:08 pm #

          @1991, I read the article you posted, and honestly her words are exactly what an ow would say. The jealousy of the children from the previous marriage, is something that is bound to happen. At the beginning of the affair, they have all the attention, if they happen to marry, then it’s time the dad starts taking notice of the ids again, and the ow now wife, gets upset and jealous.
          If he doesn’t see his kids, she would be so much more happier, no one else to compete with. I like how she doesn’t realise why the older children don’t want to believe she exists, and won’t call home. She doesn’t even believe that it was due to her being a home wrecker, destroying their family unit.
          I can’t believe she expects the daughter to ask if she wants something in the kitchen, it’s her fathers home too, and she wants respect……
          If my ch ended up with his ow in marriage, I know my children wouldn’t respect her, I also know there would have been so many arguments about the kids, that it wouldn’t have lasted.
          The ow thinks that the ch will choose her over not just his wife, but also his kids, it turns out to be a rude awakening when it turns out different to what they thought.

    • cynthia July 21, 2015 at 6:01 pm #

      Mine, too.

    • Brandy April 27, 2016 at 1:22 am #

      Reading this article and your comment, put a lot of things into perspective for me. I was married for around 6 years. I left to go visit my family in another state and my husband said he needed some time and that my 4 year old son, my 6 month old son, and I could not come home. He had began a relationship with another woman. It completely devastated my children and I. I wasn’t sure if she knew about me so I contacted her and told her who I was… She already knew about me, she had creeped my fb page already, and she told me to move on and to get over it. She said that she had done nothing wrong bc I was the one that left… Apparently you should never visit your family without your spouse, otherwise that means your spouse is considered fair game. We are divorced now. He is supposed to pay child support and he is over $20k behind at this point and he has a child due with the OW next month… I have a feeling that my children will one day absolutely despise them both for what they did to us. Thank you for sharing your experience… You truly gave me a different perspective to think about.

    • Lisa May 2, 2016 at 5:21 pm #

      I’m not sure the author used the best “tone” if they were trying to convince anyone of anything. They were way too condescending in the whole entire piece, and honestly it annoyed me so much I wished I were an OW for a moment so I could give them a piece of my mind.

      I did a search about why a devoted guy would cheat on his girlfriend, so I’m not even sure WHY this article came up. People need to STOP blaming the OW who didn’t have any vows to said marriage and blame the spouse who broke their vows. It isn’t everyone else’s job to maintain a marriage. It’s the people who are involved in the marriage who are responsible for that.

      Not all affairs are discovered, and not all OW want to marry a guy they know to be a cheater. I’m not even religious and I would have more pity for an OW who was hurt than this author appears to have, but I’ve also seen way too many times, a married man present himself as single with every intention of cheating.

      No amount of yelling at women will solve this problem. It’s the people who are involved in the marriage-THEY are the only ones who can make their marriage work, or let it fail.

      Attraction isn’t rational. A single person cannot be depended on to ignore someone simply because they are married. In a perfect world finding out someone’s married would end all hope of anything for the attracted party….but if it takes too long for the single person to find out they are attached (spouse being hush on marital status) then all bets are off.

      All is fair in love and war.

    • Lyn October 9, 2016 at 12:49 am #

      Thank you for your honesty. I have three children who were hurt by their fathers cheating then his abandonment to them and me. In his mind he did nothing wrong and blames me but says he will always be their for them. Has he….not at all but I guess it makes him feel good enough to hear himself say those things to his kids. My older two don’t care for him and want nothing to do with him. My younger still hanging on to his hopeless words. I do wish he would let her be so we all can move on. He and that OW both planned to leave each other’s family’s for each other. Well I don’t wish them the best but I do pray for justice to be served to them. One day it will happen. Again thank you for your honesty about the kids side of it. And NO kids will never get over it. What he said to everyone else.

  4. Hopeful September 6, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

    Wow, powerful stuff.

    • cynthia July 21, 2015 at 6:06 pm #

      Hopeful, yes, it is indeed!!!

  5. livingonafence September 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

    May I just say “Boofuckinghoo”

    Damn right no one will care when he cheats on you. Why should they? You got exactly what you did to someone else. Not too many people feel bad when karma shows up for some payback.

    I do appreciate telling the intended reader that they aren’t special. So true. Every cheat thinks it’s their ‘soulmate’. It’s not. It’s just someone willing to listen to your crap so that in return you’ll listen to their crap. Yeah, anything that involves lying and sneaking to cheap motels is ‘special’. LMAO

  6. Gizfield September 6, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

    I actually told my husband a version of this story a long time ago. I said “The best punishment you two could get would be forced to marry each other. Then one day, at some point down the road, maybe after an argument, me maybe not she will look across the table and say “I married a liar and a whore.” And you will look st her and say “I married a liar and a whore.” And guess, what, you are both right, lol.” It would be great if they were forced to continue whatever they did, with no chance of parole. Hours on the phone, hundreds of texts, mooning over each other…hows that working for you, in 20, 30, 40 years…

    • Shea February 5, 2015 at 6:54 pm #

      I said the same thing to the ex! LOL

      • Jane May 30, 2015 at 1:32 pm #

        I also said something similar to my exH .
        I told him that if he married her, he would have a liar, a cheat (she was engaged to another guy when she had the affair with him) and an adulteress for a wife. He did marry her, but only when she got pregnant. Nuff said.

    • cynthia July 21, 2015 at 6:04 pm #

      Giz: Right on. LOL

  7. Battleborn September 6, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

    I agree with Carol. Hindsight is truly a gift. Unfortunately when the affair is happening neither party is thinking clearly … well, duh! The grass is always greener on the other side – ha! It has been my experience with people I know that married their affair partners that the grass died when the man went over to the other side and no amount of watering can bring the lawn back. Of course most of the ex-wives went on to blossom into beautiful women. Sucks to be the OM/OW when you see the BS thrive in her/his new life.

    • Rachel July 15, 2014 at 3:15 am #

      Amen, battleborn!
      My friend said that I never smiled before.
      His “soulmate” was the best thing that could have happened to you”.
      And the best compliment is ” divorce agrees with you. You have never looked better!

  8. Anita September 6, 2012 at 7:11 pm #

    In reading this I can see that the betrayed spouse is in a
    grieving process, and blames the other woman.
    It appears she hasn’t forgiven this other woman and still
    habors resentment and bitterness.
    My exhusband never married his affair partner, but rather a woman who he met later.
    We get along fine and our children are adults and we each have our own relationship with them,
    It takes time forgiveness and healing to look at your own self and see what part we played in the demise of our own
    marriages.
    This betrayed spouse needs more time to heal, when she
    does, she also needs to look at herself and see what role
    she played in the demise of her own marriage, also
    she needs to realize that her exhusband was the one
    who broke the vows, and that he was the one who left her.
    She needs to forgive her exhusband, and become allies
    with his new wife and him, for the sake of the children, so
    the children know that they can be with either parent, and
    the parents are acting like adults for the best interest of the children. This betrayed spouse needs to set her bitterness
    aside and work as a team player so the children get the
    best of each parent.
    She needs to forgive and move on.

    • ex's daughter January 27, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

      So true. My mother took forever to forgive my father, and it only hurt my sister and I. But, the funny thing is, when she finally let it go and forgave my father in her heart, it seemed to take so much power away from my dad and stepmom. It’s like they had to get over us not caring anymore. Seeing her bitterness made them feel powerful. She has moved on, and is happier than I have ever seen her, and that gives my sister and I strength.

    • Toni December 11, 2013 at 1:02 am #

      whatever, there you go blaming the BS. No matter what role she had in the marriage being broken it doesn’t give the CS right to go out and cheat. Please

    • Sarah June 26, 2014 at 2:04 am #

      Anita, your comments are bunk. How could the innocent survivor of a cheating husband and his affair partner POSSIBLY become allies with the people who deliberately hurt her? Alliance means TRUST. The one thing the survivor knows about her husband is that he is a LIAR. And now she has to deal with the fact that her children are going to be influenced by a liar for the rest of their lives. When you say that the survivor needs to look at what they did to cause the affair, you are putting blame where it should never, ever, go. Keep your advice to yourself, please, because it is pie-eyed and hurtful.

      • Rosey June 26, 2014 at 8:56 am #

        Actually, I rather agree with Anita on this one. An alliance is just a relationship for mutual benefit, it doesn’t have to be based on trust.
        After more than two years of frosty but polite behaviour, I too have formed an alliance with my rat of an ex-husband. This doesn’t mean I trust him, and I certainly don’t like him or his wife. I strongly suspect I never will.
        The reason I formed the alliance is that I noticed that my kids, now 18 and 14, were being put into very awkward positions because they felt they had to segregate the two family groups. Deciding which parent to invite to an important birthday, or having several time pressured events. My son would even refuse to play his favourite sport if my ex and I both wanted to attend. Through no active encouragement of the adults in their life, they felt they had to choose between the people they loved. Not because the adults said anything or behaved badly, but because we all behaved in non-harmonious ways.
        However badly I may have been treated, my children were certainly the most innocent of victims.
        So instead, I chose an alliance. So that my children don’t have to choose, and can love and spend time with their family members as they want to. I sent my ex an email, explaining how I saw the situation, and we agreed to show the kids through our actions that they don’t have to choose between my ex and his wife and me. No big, loud action were agreed, just small ones, like not avoiding each other, etc.
        The future will show whether my initiative is a success, but I choose to work on the alliance for the sake of my children.

        • Olivia November 7, 2016 at 9:21 am #

          Congratulations Rosen,

          We will never be sorry for this choice. An excellent choice, amongst all possible responses and choices.
          It may be very difficult in the short run, however you will find in the long run it will become easier and easier and the love you have for your children and your family and the good things that you all share and have shared will continue to grow.

          I know this because it’s what I did. Today, more than 20 years later, we all gather as a “family” for special holidays, such as Thanksgiving, wedddings etc, and lots of joy and love are shared.

          I am grateful for making that choice many many years ago, but I also remember the pain and hurts, although that too has faded like a distant memory and I continue to learn about myself each time I consider the demise of our failed marriage!

          I’m so glad you posted this and I hope it helps some people who are in pain and struggling with this issue.

      • MaisieBlueEyes September 26, 2014 at 1:54 am #

        Well said…this Pollyanna is basically saying that it is okay to teach children that lying, cheating, betraying and adultery are not such a big deal and should be tolerated and even rewarded. She also appears not to think trust and honesty are important either.

        • you poor victims November 10, 2015 at 7:02 pm #

          teaching children to hold onto bitterness and anger is worse. You can tell them it’s not ok and that it’s hard to move on and mommy or daddy will take time to heal, but it takes a special kind of angry person to hold onto it and teach the children to hate.

    • chely November 23, 2014 at 10:03 am #

      So true. I had a friend who was unhappy, having an affair and using me as cover. Well I told “shit or get off the pot” and she ended up divorcing. When the ex remarried, she immediately became the mortal enemy of this woman, called her the step-monster. Friend proceeded to use the kids (over the next 20 years) as pawns in this game of torture she was playing. Finally when her girls were grown and she still is trying to play games, her daughter turned to her and said “Mom STOP IT! enough already”. She still wasn’t getting it, so finally I had to be honest and tell her how horrible she had been to use her kids to torment her ex and his wife (and all the kids). That she needed to let it go, quit the stupid games, she was only making herself look bad as she was the only one stuck. I had to remind her that she was the one having the affair not him. Funny thing is her andAp never got togehter and he married someone else (even though the affair continued). We are no longer friends

      • sammy January 16, 2015 at 1:08 pm #

        Karma…she’s bitter even though she’s the one who cheated? That makes no sense except that she must feel that she’s so entitled that her ex would beg to stay with her. When he didn’t and went on to a better life, she must have realized that that she killed the grass herself. I fell bad for her kids to have to go through that.

      • Mama Mia December 14, 2016 at 8:59 pm #

        Chely-That’s what my husband’s ex has done. We have been married many years. We all knew each other socially, he and I were friends through a social book club. One year, I finally split up with my ex due to his abusive alcoholism. My husband-to-be was married to a woman who had divided him from his family and was having an affair. They had a young daughter and she had a couple kids from previous marriages. Seven years in, he knew was cheating with a guy from Kentucky she had met online. She had started separating their money and preparing for divorce, while “secretly” making trips to see him. She had even tried to get his sister-in-laws to go with her. He left one day when she found out he was interested in me and accused him of an affair (so much irony). She remarried (again) within weeks to the guy from Kentucky. She has been a nightmare since Day One. She didn’t like that I came from a catholic family. She didn’t like my daughter, who listened to punk rock, which she said made it clear my daughter was a satanist. She thought my physically disabled son was a bad influence for her daughter. She wrote nasty letters, threatening to turn daughter against us. On and on. She never came to terms with the fact that his whole family, and I, already knew about her affair. We will NEVER tell his daughter about it, because we don’t want to hurt her and it is between them. Even though his ex has indeed turned daughter against me by claiming I was the homewrecker. I think I was supposed to be the rebound relationship but it ended up Forever 🙂 I was close with my stepdaughter but she won’t speak to me now. What good can come of us telling her other than what her mother has? She is 24 and one day will maybe figure it out when she thinks about the dates of her parents’ divorce and remarriages. I’d rather have her think bad of me than of her own mother. I love and miss her but she won’t have anything to do with me. I don’t really know if we are doing the right thing by not telling her, but at this point she’s not going to believe us anyway. She worships her mom. I don’t feel ok with contributing to that changing.

  9. Paula September 6, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

    Anita, you have missed something here, this was written by an affair partner, who married the cheater, and then later learned so much.

    My sister-in-law married her affair partner. He had cheated before, had a 10 year old son, and she thought he was her “soulmate” and did much disparaging of his first wife. After three years of marriage (six years together) and a 2 and a half year old, and a 10 month old, she kicked him out for cheating on her. BIG surprise! My partner and I supported her through this period in her life, both thinking, well, once a cheater….. why did you marry him??? Guess who cheated 20 years later – my same partner!! Great.

    Gizfield, I also whish he had “chosen” her instead of me, quite often. We have talked about this – this was the ultimate reason he ended the adultery. He realised, and had been telling her for a while, that it was all a fantasy, real life wouldn’t work for them (she is a selfish and demanding woman, and he knew it, part of the reason he split with her in his early 20s!) He could picture himself running around after her (then) 3 year old, whilst our much older (teens plus) children were missing out on his input. He said he could imagine sitting down with me a year or two later, in a cafe, over coffee, whilst we were discussing our children, and looking at me, looking stunning, and happy, and thinking, OMG, I have swapped a diamond for a hunk of coal.

    Battleborn, I too know many people who have blossomed after their cheater either left, or was disposed of (lol) and I LOVE that! My mother was an example, slightly different circumstances, my Dad realised he was gay after around 18 years of marriage, they tried to make it work for another year, and then Mum made the call, and kicked him out, and grieved for about another year, then became an even better version of herself, independent, strong and even more beautiful.

  10. Anita September 6, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

    Paula,
    Your right I did, I was on the phone talking when I
    read the first couple of paragraphs. Shame on me for doing
    that.
    However after rereading it is interesting, from the other woman’s point of view.
    However, many betrayed spouses who divorce carry this same type of view towards the other woman, until they have
    grieved and forgiven it all.
    It is interesting because that betrayed spouse does heal,
    and blossoms as you’s have mentioned, however the
    other woman, seems to wither away slowly.
    Paula thanks again for pointing that out, again shame on me for doing 2 things at once.

    • Anita September 6, 2012 at 8:49 pm #

      As for the writer, God has forgiven her, and for her own sake she needs to recieve that forgiveness and move forward with her life.
      From my own experience I have forgiven the other woman
      my exhusand had an affair with, and also my exhusband.
      For me life is to short to carry that big heavy bag of anger, resentment, bitterness.
      I enjoy the life I have now and I enjoy the freedom of not having to carry the baggage from the past.

      • Anita September 6, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

        This writers story reminds me of the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke Chapter 15 verses 11 through 32.
        After my divorce, I was very much like the Prodigal Son’s
        older brother, my heart was so hardend and unforgiving
        that I also would not have seen the reason the celebrate.
        However after healing and forgiving, my heart is beginning
        to soften towards others. Each day I pray I will become more like the father in this story.

  11. chiffchaff September 7, 2012 at 6:53 am #

    My boss, who was very helpful and supportive indeed when I had to tell her about the problems at home, told me that her first husband had cheated on her with his student. Everyone knew about it except her (they worked together) and the relevance is that her first husband left her for the AP. He didn’t want to try anything to save his marriage as the AP was perfect in everyway. This man went on to marry his AP and have a child, he then cheated on her and did exactly the same again, dumped her and kid for a sparkly new AP, wife #3.
    So I think that the reason that there’s a cliche about ‘once a cheater..’ is that there are many events of it happening.

    • Anita September 7, 2012 at 8:16 am #

      Chiffchaff,
      It is sad that your boss’s exhusand done that. Inside he’s
      a very unhappy and goes from relationship to relationship
      because of a void that’s inside of him, something that only
      God can fill.
      Myself I have healed to the point where I findly understand
      that a cheating spouse and other woman don’t need my
      wrath but instead need to be prayed for.
      I believe that when affairs happen, its because of a deep
      void within them, they look for a person to fill those voids,
      rather then God.
      Myself I was once a betrayed spouse and I was full of
      self right righteousness, and unforgiveness, which also
      left a deep deep void inside of me. When I followed
      Gods word on forgiving others, my happiness began to return, and I could start to feel love again, instead of
      saddness and dispare.
      This has been a great lesson to me, the more I forgave
      and prayed for others I felt peace, love, joy, and hope return
      to me.

      • Anita September 7, 2012 at 8:32 am #

        Chiffchaff,
        I believe there is a time to mourn, but then there is a time
        to be happy again, by letting go of our past grieves, and leave the past behind.
        If we carry a big bag of unforgiveness and self righteousness, we only makes ourselves unhappy.
        I know for myself, if i had done something wrong, and
        I hurt another person, I would like to be forgiven and that
        the person I hurt would put it in the past and let it go.
        If I want that for myself, then I need to do that for others
        who have hurt me.
        Otherwise all the unhappiness destroys us verses letting
        go and be happy where it only builds us.

        • Kathrine May 18, 2016 at 7:00 pm #

          Yes. However, it’s not up to you to decide how long someone should mourn. It’s up to the BS to decide. It’s HER journey. It’s not a journey for others to say, “it’s been enough time, get over it.” I did my best to help my kids through my divorce but I’m also human. We discussed this in therapy and it was good for my children to see the consequences if they emotionally harming someone by cheating and how hard it is to deal with. They learned that I’m human and I have feelings. They learned compassion. It took me 3 years to heal completely and, yes, I’m blossoming.lol But you shouldn’t try to impose some schedule on people in pain. And we need to stop expecting the BS to martyr themselves “for the children”. I think the worst thing you can do to children is pretend everything is ok. They have feelings and you have feelings – dealing with them honestly is important for them to learn that while things aren’t ok NOW that with work they will be.

      • Sarah June 26, 2014 at 2:09 am #

        Anita, I want to know…if you have healed so completely, why do you spend so much time writing on a website for survivors of affairs?

    • MaisieBlueEyes September 26, 2014 at 1:57 am #

      Love the “sparkly new wife” comment…a little levity to lighten the mood of this topic…lol

  12. chiffchaff September 7, 2012 at 9:12 am #

    Anita – it all happened a long time ago for my boss and she has happily remarried. Not sure what the relevance is of your second posting there – sorry.
    I’m also an atheist. A lot of my H’s problems (but not all) stem from his dreadful evangelical christian upbringing so I don’t perosnally agree with the need to fill any such voids with god (or any other religion) either.
    My H was brought up with rampant misogyny, bodies are dirty, sex is dirty and naughty, women are caregivers baby machines and second to men, nudity is wrong, men think differently (i.e. better) to women – all of these beliefs inflicted on him until he left home created any void he may have had in my view, although I recognise others don’t share my beliefs either. From many other postings on this blogs, being a believer in a religion doesn’t seem to make any jot of difference to whether someone has an affair or not.

    • Anita September 7, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

      Chiffchaff,
      I am a Christian, and I love the Lord with all my heart, because I feel that love, I love to share it with others.
      I wish you and your husband the very very best.

      • Anita September 7, 2012 at 8:14 pm #

        Chiffchaff,
        My beliefs are different then those of your husband’s. In the
        Holy Bible its about God’s love for us, and eternal life for those who believe in Jesus, who died for our sins.

        • Anita September 7, 2012 at 9:22 pm #

          Chiffchaff,
          I am a open minded and would like for you to share your
          view points, we may not agree with each other, however
          I am open to listening to others points of view.
          As far as my Christian Faith, I will never surrender it, I know way to much to ever give it up. I have nothing to lose if I am wrong, however I have eternal life if I’m right.
          However I am willing to listen to others point of view.

          • chiffchaff September 8, 2012 at 7:14 am #

            Anita – my comments were not a criticism of either you or people who believe in their chosen religion.

            My comments were ore to do with CSs and APs who use their belief to justify their affair, i.e. ‘god meant us to be together otherwise he wouldn’t have provided us with the temptation of each other’ – which is justifying it in exactly the same way as CSs do from any walk of life, it’s just a variant on the ‘I wouldn’t do this unless this person was my soulmate’ rationale.

            • Anita September 8, 2012 at 8:29 am #

              Chiffchaff,
              When CSs and APs use this excuse, it is just that, because
              in the Bible we are told by God not to commit adultery.
              Also in James Chapter 1 verse 12 through 18 it addresses this. In verse 13, Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He himself tempt anyone. 14, But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15, Then, when desire has concieved, it gives birth to sin.
              There is more to verse 15 throught 18.
              As you can see CS’s and AP’s excuses are ridiculous.

        • Teresa September 9, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

          Anita, I appreciate your stand….I’m a Christian also and you’ve encouraged me over the months with your testimony. You have a peace that comes over from God! Bless you!

  13. Dave September 7, 2012 at 11:03 am #

    ChiffChaff

    Interesting, but my wife was also a devout christian at the time when she had her PA/EA. The things she did were very taboo and sinful, yet she did them anyway. The “naughtiness” gave it an extra exciting kick for her.

    I’m an atheist and after my one night stand that happened four years prior to her affair when we were separated, I felt terrible guilt and confessed because it it felt wrong, despite the fact we were living apart and both preparing for divorce.

    She cheated because she needed (wanted) attention, to be adored, and for the thrill. I cheated in a moment of weakness, loneliness, and confusion.

    Both were wrong, and I agree – belief, religion, and god don’t have a lot to do with these situations. If anything, it made hers worse. She, the good christian girl, had two affairs, and then suppressed it in her own mind and then lied to me for 14 and 18 years respectively; I did it once, confess immediately, and have tormented myself for 18 years.

    • Anita September 8, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

      Dave,
      For me as a Christian, The Blood of Christ washed away all of my sins, and I have been forgiven, therefore I can enjoy my life. However that is not a licience to sin, but
      when I do, I confess it and repent of it. God changes us from glory to glory, and our old nature starts to fade away
      as we become Christ minded.
      You admit to being a atheist, and you said you have tormented yourself for 18 years. That’s a heavy load to
      carry for the rest of your life, when you could choose
      the freedom from this by excepting Christ who will wash
      away all your sins, and the best part you will be promised
      eternal life. John 3 verse 16, and God will change you from
      Glory to Glory.
      However if you perfer carrying your own torment, then no one can stop you, only you can make a choice that will
      change your life.

      • Battleborn September 9, 2012 at 9:00 am #

        Anita, I applaud your Christianity and your continued attempts to being God and Jesus into all our lives. It seems that it is your calling. However, I am not a good Christian like you and believe that while God can help me through this mess, He is not the end all be all to our misery. Even with His help, one must still have external assistance. God put others onto this earth to give assistance so we would not have to be by ourselves and they are not all Christians.

        I guess what I am asking/saying is not everyone is religious. What if my counselor is an atheist or Muslim or Jehovah Witness? Their profession is to help me find myself and help me through my misery. My religious beliefs may be helpful, but it is just a portion of my healing. God states that one must find oneself and lead the life they choose. Sometimes it is not religion although most Christians would like to believe it is.

        • Anita September 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

          Battleborn,
          Thank you, and I do understand what your saying.
          I can only speak from my own experiences, and what
          works for me.
          For myself, I believe my existance on this earth is to love and worship God. If I’m wrong I lose nothing, but if I’m right
          I will have eternal life that is promised in John 3 vs 16.
          Without my faith, I imagine I would live life day to day not
          really knowing what I would wanted out of life, I would have
          no direction, and would be trying to find something to fill
          that emptiness. Because I know money doesn’t bring
          happiness, nor materal goods.
          I find happiness in my relationship with others.
          But for my internal happiness it comes from God, it doesn’t
          mean I am free from problems, but I have learned,
          to trust God in the midst of them.

          • Anita September 9, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

            Battleborn,
            I do understand the misery that comes with infidelity, I was once a betrayed spouse myself. I have had the time to deal with it and heal from it as well as forgive it.
            Battleborn you still love your husband, whereas I no longer
            how those feelings toward my exhusband. I think that makes a big difference. Your still with your husband and
            see him day to day and your still married.
            I”ve gone foward with my own life, and I do not see my exhusband, except for family functions with our adult children, and grandchildren, we live in different states.
            My exe and I get along fine, and he’s remarried.
            It does make a difference when your over someone,
            it doesn’t hurt anymore.
            However you still love your husband, and thats why it hurts.

            • Anita September 9, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

              Battleborn,
              For myself my pained stopped when I got over my exhusband, after our divorce.
              However I do not suggest for anyone to divorce if they’re
              wanting to save their marriage.
              I went through a grieving process after our divorce, and
              it took awhile to get over it all. However I did, and I am a much more happier person, because the pain is no longer there. I have had enough time to build a new life for myself
              and its makes a big difference. I was very sad and unhappy in the last year of my marriage, its was awful.
              I no longer trusted my then husband now exe. We also
              didn’t get along the last couple months and our marriage and it took a downward spiral and we ended it.
              About 2 years later my exe called me and apologized, but
              I had already moved foward with my own life. Also I
              didn’t want to cycle with him again because his last affair
              was not his first, so it would have been only a matter of time before he cheated again, and I didn’t want to be in that
              kind of relationship. So it was better for me to get over him
              and have a new life for myself. I am glad I did.
              Battleborn take care of yourself, and I wish you and your
              spouse much happiness.

              • Anita September 9, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

                Battleborn,
                I didn’t get a chance to finish my last post, I got called away.
                I write here on this site about my past and how I healed and forgave it. However I do not mention much about my current life now, because it does not apply here or have relevance. However I do wish everone here happiness
                and joy.

                • Anita September 9, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

                  My heart goes out to all the betrayed spouses. I have learned so much from having been one
                  myself.
                  With that bein said, I feel my own journey has come to a close here. As I have mentioned in the above reply, my
                  current life no longer has relevance to this site any longer.
                  God Bless you all.

      • Dave September 10, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

        I was once a believer. It brought me no comfort at all. In fact, it became a source of pain. Removing it from my life freed me to face my challenges and deal with them honestly. When I left my faith behind, I found my humanity.

        Yes, there have been times that I thought it would have been nice if there were something else that could take away my problems, but I know that wouldn’t fix the problems. It would only hid them, and that is what my wife did as a believer. She prayed and thought that god forgave her, so there was no need to tell me. That was all in her head of course. God and religion became a way she could avoid dealing with our issues rather than make a sincere attempt to fix them.

        • Anita September 10, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

          Dave,
          I wanted to leave this site because it doesn’t apply to my current life any longer However I do want to reach out to you.
          I do understand, I really do. I had went through my own pain
          of wondering Why? Why did that all happen, why did God
          allow my to go through so much pain, when all my prayers
          were about saving a marraige and having it centered around Christ, I tried so hard to be the good wife, and all
          I got was heartbreak and more heartbreak.
          I do understand. Dave I remember crying so hard to God
          and I felt so much anger and pain.
          That was my turning point in my life, I could write God, out
          of my life right then and there, or I could trust him.
          I chose to trust God. My marriage did end, however when
          that door closed a new door opened. I am now free from
          that pain and heartache, and I’m happy again.
          Dave sometimes our prayers aren’t answered in ways
          we would like, however I can see now that God does work
          everything for our own good.
          Dave, your heartbroken about the choices your wife made,
          her choices were hurtful. Now is the hard part you need to forgive her. Dave its ok to cry and yell and scream to God,
          he understands but he’s waiting for you to let go and put
          this in his hands.

          • Dave September 10, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

            Anita, I appreciate you reaching out and I do understand where you are coming from. We are working on the healing part now and will continue with our counselor and therapist.

            I am glad your faith helped you and I’m not attacking it. I’m just saying that it doesn’t help me. But thank you for the kind words.

            • Anita September 10, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

              Dave,
              I hope you and your wife can work this out.
              When my exhusband and I divorced, my exe was caught up in his affair with his affair partner. He was a person
              I didn’t even know. As I have mentioned before, they broke up about a year after our divorce, and about 2 years later,
              he called and apologized, by then I had moved on with my
              own life.
              Several months ago I went throught a process to have my
              marraige to him annuled in our church, it was then I was able to understand why our marriaged failed, by me having
              to write about our courtship and why we chose to marry,
              my eyes were opened, we married because of a pregnancy
              instead of getting married for the right reasons, My exe
              always felt he missed out in his youth in dating other women. It came back to haunt us in our marriage. My
              exhusband was not ready for a lifetime of fidelity, nor a
              lifetime commitment to a marriage.
              I do not blame God for our failed marriage, I also no longer
              blame my exhusband or myself. With us being so young
              we made some dumb choices back then. However
              I do have wonderful children from that union, so in the end
              it all worked out and I am happy again.
              I hope you and your wife will get through this and have many happy years to come.

              • Anita September 10, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

                Dave,
                My past is over and done with, being on this site no longer applies to me nor does it have relevance in my current life. With that bein said, God Bless you all!

              • sam December 2, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

                Anita,
                I was married for 27 years, had a wife who cheated and went so far as to get engaged with OM while both were still married. I prayed and cried to save my marriage, but God let me know that marriage is from Him and that if He is not glorified by it, the marriage must end. My wife’s family accepted the Adulterous relationship, but my grown children did not. God told me to be still and to endure the pain so that my faith would grow strong in Him…and it did. By genuine forgiveness, I was able to remove the knife from my heart and heal properly knowing that He was with me thru the pain. I pray that my ex and her knew husband will return to God in true repentance… because it is not about us, it’s about the Lord.

                • Brinze April 17, 2017 at 10:59 am #

                  Excellent response. From the heart, and cuts through to the core of the issue. My husband cheated for decades, mainly with one woman whom I knew and suspected. After 31 years of marriage, it was exposed. I was told I was crazy, dysfunctional, and much worse. I prayed and warred for the marriage. At first I wondered why God would hide this from me for so long but he’s revealed many understandings to me on this. I’ve been divorced almost a year now. There has been the talk of regret and repentance but no real fruit of it. God gave EVERY opportunity to be glorified in this marriage but my husband simply would not heed him. GOD finally put an end to it. He has been amazing to me in this. And that knife in my very heart would have killed me by now if not for the Lord. My grown children suffer. Don’t think they don’t! Every neglect every trip every song every abuse every good moment, EVERYTHING is tainted by the knowledge of what was really going on in all those memories. He said he was sorry and hopes we all forgive him and her one day. He said he wasn’t seeing her anymore but I think he’s lying, based on other awful things said and done. Doesn’t matter. I pray they repent, but they need to understand what they are repenting from! I pray they do for their sakes. I pray for the health of my kids …. the wounds run deep. I truly don’t know how people get through this without the Lord. It shreds the soul. Folks who do this have no idea the extent of the harm they do. I pity them, because I don’t think most of them can face it. It is murderous. But they don’t see themselves that way. That’s why it becomes more about incompatibility, blame, etc. they HAVE to do that to justify such evil. But here is the bottom line. I consider it now an HONOR for God to require of me such forgiveness for such a thing. It’s one thing to forgive someone who steals your pencil. Quite another to forgive someone who stole your life, spirit, soul … or TRIED to. And then makes cheap excuses and lies about it. I believe in facing and naming fully what I am trying to forgive, no sugar coating.., and then, by the Spirits living power, walk in that forgiveness. Oh the reward! The presence of the Lord, His sweet loving touches, it is so beautiful!! So I see that nothing is stolen or wasted in my life. I will always have the pain, but it comes in less frequent waves. And my Ckmforter is there to soothe me and carry me. I win. I pray they have this victory someday too. But the consequences are there. For us all. Remember, marriage was God’s concept and he built us for it. When we twist it in this way, we cause him even more pain than the victim spouse endures. Do we believe this? Do we even care?

    • Shea February 5, 2015 at 7:05 pm #

      She had the affair because you cheated and broke the trust. YOU broke your vow to love your wife regardless of being separated at the time.

  14. Healing Mark September 7, 2012 at 11:19 am #

    Chiffchaff. Perhaps I’ll beat Anita to the punch here. You are right. A belief in a supreme being alone will not make much of a difference in whether a person has an affair or not. However, if you are a “believer” and a “follower” it’s unlikely that you will chose to knowingly have an affair. I say knowingly in that many people who chose to lead their lives as their religion instructs would never commit adultery as this term is contemplated (i.e., a physical affair). Yet, for some reason they begin to have feelings for another person that are very real, they get all the “good” that comes from having another person like you and compliment you, and they don’t want this to end and often for a time don’t recognize what it is that they are doing as something “wrong”. Of course, lies and deceit that often are a part of an EA are something that most religions frown upon, but only the most ardent of “followers” live their lives exactly as their chosen supreme being would have them live.

    What really angers me are stories of “men of God” who use their position of power to have affairs with women in their congregation (or do other bad things but that’s a whole other story). I’ll take a person who has self-respect, good character, honor and a committment to living their life to the best they can so as to not cause hurt to other people, especially people they love, over someone who is very religious but does not possess the foregoing character traits anytime. No matter what your religious barometer, it really comes down to choices. I have had opportunities to have PA’s and have had other women start to act in ways that I could see might lead to EA’s and I simply chose not to go there. Would it have been “fun”? Perhaps. But just not right. That said, I will not doubt at some point today drive in excess of the posted speed limits, which I know is “wrong” and a violation of laws. But I will make a conscious choice to engage in a behavior that I know is not the best for me (hopefully, I won’t get a speeding ticket!). It’s sad that there are people out there that will engage in hurtful and harmful behavior (PA’s or EA’s) even though they know that it is “wrong”.

    • livingonafence September 7, 2012 at 12:09 pm #

      Agreed. OW in my case is a ‘woman of God’ and has Christian nonsense on her FB page. That didn’t stop her from joking with my H about me dying and him using the life insurance money to take care of her. I really have no use for the die-hard religious people. My personal experience has been that these individuals use it as a ‘get out of jail free’ care and act in some very ‘sinful’ ways.

      • Teresa September 11, 2012 at 2:38 pm #

        LOAF, from what you’ve told me about the OW…she’s not living a God filled life….it reminds me of a story I read about Mahatma Gandhi…http://www.mongoosemom.com/?p=27
        The Gandhi quote says it all…”I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians.They are so unlike your Christ”. What a true but sad statement…

    • ocanas September 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm #

      Agree with livingonafence, in my case my wife is (was until the EA) a devoted Christian, the OM is a son of a …… ehem Pastor (and yes, the other word you thought also applies! ). It’s not the beliefs that they profess, it’s how much of those beliefs are they applying in their lives that counts

      • Anita September 8, 2012 at 10:41 am #

        Ocanas,
        Your right, to profess and not apply those beliefs is like me
        sitting in my gargage, but it doesn’t make me a car.
        Also just because your a Pastor it doesn’t mean your immuned to a life free of problems, being a parent myself
        my own children didn’t always follow the rules either, and
        neither did I when I was younger, in fact I am still a sinner.
        That why I need Jesus, who died on the cross for my sins.

        • Anita September 8, 2012 at 11:11 am #

          Ocanas,
          When we are hurt by an affair, wheather you stay or leave,
          we are also given a choice to forgive or not to forgive.
          Forgiving, is for you, so your not left with bitterness or resentment. By not forgiving it like swallowing poison,
          expecting it to hurts others. However there is a time
          to greive and there is a time to enjoy your life again.

          • ocanas September 8, 2012 at 11:18 am #

            Well said Anita!

      • Teresa September 9, 2012 at 10:31 pm #

        I tell my children all the time “Keep your eyes on God, because man ( or woman) will disappoint you every time.”
        The Bible clearly states that God does NOT condone sexual immorality, at ALL!! It grieves Gods heart when his children get caught up in affairs….my H and I are Christians, and his EA shook me to the core…this was NOT supposed to happen to us…we KNOW better! HA!
        We were/are regular church attenders and the friends that we hung out with are all of the same faith….BUT we are also born with a sinful nature, and do things wrong all the time!
        I think this has been the biggest hurdle for me to get over, that my H could bury his guilt so deep and continue with his EA for over four months!
        And so many hurtful things he told the cow about me, ALL LIES, and he didnt even care! I just couldn’t see how he could continue going to church, having the Pastor in OUR home for a party, laughing and talking with our friends and all along he had this “secret” life!!
        But that’s how sin is…it gets it’s claws into you, changes you, and brings you down into the pit of despair!
        I’m thankful that my H has finally seen just how destructive his EA was to me and our family, and has confessed his sin before God and is making a real change in his life!
        You know, the EA wasn’t my H’s problem, it was a symptom of his problems…lots of baggage from his childhood that he had never dealt with, and since the discovery of his EA, he’s really making strides in putting his past behind him and moving into a better future…with ME!!
        I’m sure most of you have heard the cliche ” Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven” and that is so true!
        I still have bouts of anger and resentment, I AM human, lol, but I’m finding that as I draw closer to God, I can let this go, and the peace Anita describes fills me…a peace that only God can give 🙂

        • Carol September 11, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

          Teresa, I can really relate to what you write here. My H gave a lot of lip service to his Christianity, and kept attending church all through his EA. Deep down I think he felt like Christianity hindered him or held him back or kept him from having ‘fun.’ Enter the ‘cow’ (I love your word for OW, heh) and her fuzzy neediness . . .

          I do think that Christians are just as susceptible to affairs as anybody else, especially if they’ve got unresolved childhood issues. That biblical verse about the sins of the fathers being visited on the children? It’s not so much a curse — or a statement of a punishment from God — as it is a statement of fact: when parents behave badly, their children, unfortunately, will pay the price.

          I think that in my H’s case, once he was confronted with what I knew about the EA, he felt terrible guilt. He’d been denying his wrongdoing all along or justifying it somehow, and once I confronted him and told him calmly but firmly to get out, he was hit with reality. I said that since he was fool enough to think that lying bee-yatch was worth more than his faithful wife of nearly 20 years, he was too much of a fool for me. After that he more or less collapsed emotionally. He went to work the next day, but looked so devastated that a co-worker, also a Christian, took him into her office and asked him what was wrong. He told her what he’d done, and she told him sternly that he had committed ‘terrible sins’ and hauled him off to confession immediately. I mean literally hauled . . . she pulled him there. 🙂 She then told him to pray, keep close to the sacraments, and do all he could to love me as he ought to have been doing all along.

          That was the beginning of his positive transformation. He still has a long way to go. The Christian faith is NOT a crutch, in my opinion, not if you really try to live it — my H’s experience is showing me that. Loving others as Christ loved you requires incredible maturity and self-sacrifice and wisdom and compassion and yes, sometimes firm boundaries, too — such as those that keep out needy members of the opposite sex who prey on married people for their own twisted purposes. It is a constant struggle, a race, as Paul called it, a labor, as the gospels say over and over. So I don’t think of my faith as something I ‘need’ to get through life. There are many easier crutches out there that I could choose. For me, my faith is kinda inevitable, if that makes sense. I went through hell as a child, and as I look back the only way I think I could possibly have made it through relatively unscathed is if something bigger than me was holding me together.

          Sorry if this is rambling — just to say I understand where Teresa is coming from. Christians are called to a high moral standard, but they can fail, just as people who are atheists and who know that cheating is wrong can fail according to their own moral standards. I do respect the way my H is trying to live up to the demands of his faith in the wake of the EA. Do I wish he’d done so before, and not behaved like an utter hypocrite? Hell, yeah. Am I glad for his sake that he’s living with more integrity now? Yes.

          • Teresa September 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

            Thank you Carol 🙂 I’m glad your H had a coworker who was concerned enough to care! Also a verse I like to think about…for my H AND my me, because I STILL do get angry at times, LOL…it’s Proverbs 24:16 ~ “Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” ( or in my case, a woman,lol)
            We all make mistakes, my H made some whoppers, and it was WRONG, and he was wrong for dragging his feet for a year afterwards…but I also know that’s normal, all CS don’t want to do the work, they want life to go back to “the old normal”….it takes a while for them to realize, this is the “new normal” and it’s there is NO going back!
            Oh, and I call her the cow…..because she reminds me of one!! A fat, lazy woman who takes no responsibility for the hurt that she caused….just grazing her way through her miserable life! I truly feel sorry for her H and her kids!
            Me and my H? We’re doing great! My H spoils me…daily…and I let him, LOL! 🙂
            And even though we still have small “issues” every now and then, (mainly pretaining to his Avoidance issues stemming from an emotionally abusive childhood) we are happier together than we’ve been in a very long time….I still check in here every now and then because I have several friends here that I check on….and when I feel I might be able to post something that helps someone, then I do 🙂 At least I HOPE it helps them!
            I feel I’m an “oldie” as I’m 20 months past Dday….and my heart breaks for those just joining the “party”…gag!! But hopefully what I or others say that have been there, done that, will be helpful to the newbies! 🙂

            • sammy January 16, 2015 at 1:28 pm #

              People do make mistakes – we are all flawed. I forgave my H after finding out about his serial cheating/lying throughout our marriage. It was hard…I forgave but of course didn’t forget. He looked remorseful, went to counseling, etc. He said he was ashamed, sorry, and promised he would never damage our marriage like that again. However, a few years later, he did it again – lying and cheating for 2 years. So devious and underhanded too. Yes, we are all flawed, but some people are narcissistic and sociopathic – doing things without regard to people close to them. No empathy for what his kids would go through. I realize now that he was only sorry he was caught, since he never confessed or came forward with any of it…I had to discover it. So you can forgive and move on for YOURSELF, since some people really don’t even care about your forgiveness – they just want to manipulate and “win” at some game. So do not be TOO understanding…just be aware that you may be dealing with someone with a personality disorder. I have found that detachment and no contact is the best way with these disordered people. They truly have a void that no amount of attention will fill.

              • sammy January 16, 2015 at 1:35 pm #

                Also realize that by feeling sorry for them or wanting to fix them somehow really may be about your co-dependence. Be aware that it’s not your job to fix their deficits…they need to do that for themselves, because it won’t work if you are more invested in that than they are. I used to think that marriage was about sticking it out through bad times, and I had to “help” him…but I realize now that cheating is abuse, lying is abuse. Cheaters have no right to rob you of your sense of well-being and unilaterally make decisions about the reality of YOUR life. I am still struggling to not be too empathetic or too understanding. Narcissists will exploit that and actually target those with soft hearts.

                • Jane May 30, 2015 at 1:43 pm #

                  Spot-on Sammy.

                  Cheaters cheat because they lack sensitivity, empathy and morals. What they do have in spades is arrogance and a sense of entitlement.

                  I am sure that my exH and his former AP are well-suited because they are both as immoral, insensitive and selfish as each other.

                  • Rachel May 30, 2015 at 4:43 pm #

                    AMEN!

                • Scarlet October 3, 2016 at 7:44 pm #

                  Wow, I could very well be reading a part of my experiene. My H cheated on me, moved out of the house. The OW vervally atacked me and he permited it. The he repented, looked remorsefull, even cried. We went to counceling. I forgave him im part because I was pregnant. He promised he wil never hurt me like that before. 3 years later he did, moved out of the house and went living with her. 3 week later after hemoved, he got engaged with her. I tougth, I still think is my job to stick it thr, to help him grow up, to help him become a better person.

                  • Olivia November 7, 2016 at 9:28 am #

                    Scarlet,

                    I can feel the power of your emotions here!
                    You are amazing, keep in touch with your feelings and accept them, even the painful ones. They will keep the love in your heart and soul.
                    It’s so important to stay open to him, I applaud you.

                    There is truly something powerful and wonderful in store for you!

    • Anita September 7, 2012 at 7:47 pm #

      Healing Mark,
      Your right affairs happen everywhere.
      My point being that none of us are perfect, and at one time or another we may need forgiveness.
      I also do not take offense when someone has a different
      point of view then me. My faith brings me much joy, and it
      promises eternal life to those who believe, that alone is
      enough for me, and I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

    • chiffchaff September 8, 2012 at 7:21 am #

      HM – yes, I agree with you, it’s a choice to life your life in a certain way and to not harm others either mentally or physically by your own actions (be they affairs or other actions).
      After discovering about their son’s behaviour their first concern was that he shouldn’t be saddled with looking after our dog as his job would suffer.

  15. Blue September 7, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

    I agree, ‘saying’ you’re ‘Christian’ doesn’t make you one. The OW in my sad story was not only a regular church going person, she went to Christian schools throughout her whole life! It obviously had no affect at all.

    I grew up in Christian faith, although not religious now. I have to admit though the only thing that pulls me through all this darkness is talking to my guardian angels every day for the past 2 years asking them to guide and help me be a forgiving person. Maybe I sound freaky but I actually see ‘signs’ from them. (unfortunately the ‘devil’ likes to taunt me still)

    I think Anita is a true Christian and she comes here to help others through her faith to help them find happiness. If only I could let her words really penetrate into my soul, I’m sure I would find that lost happiness. Although I don’t write much on here, I find you’re the only ones I can really trust. (I have a sad feeling most of my ‘friends’ would betray me if they had the oppurtunity with my husband) I wish I were a mind reader to know who to trust.

    • Anita September 7, 2012 at 6:51 pm #

      Blue,
      Thank you, but its ok I do not take offense when others do not agree or share my same beliefs.
      I don’t agree with their beliefs either, however my beliefs give me much, joy love and peace, and that’s good enough for me, and the most important part of my belief is eternal life.

  16. Surviving September 7, 2012 at 8:22 pm #

    Want to know what happens?
    Look at the public meltdown of Leann rhimes
    Her insecurities, her issues her recent admission of anxiety.

  17. Lisa September 8, 2012 at 7:21 pm #

    Thanks to this writer. I believe her insight is valuable pray someone does heed it in time.

  18. Jim September 10, 2012 at 11:57 pm #

    My wife of 26 years cheated on me the last 5 years of our marraige. Lie after lie, she tried to make me think I was crazy for doubting her…but I knew. Finally proved it, got divorced, her affair partner is im the process of ending a40 year marriage to be with my ex, all very sad, I feel no forgiveness in me after such a betrayal.

  19. Gizfield September 11, 2012 at 7:20 am #

    Jim, they all try to make you think you are crazy. It is a very dishonorable way to live. I bet they were both shocked as hell when you divorced her. Now they get to live out “the “dream life” they planned. Reality doesn’t usually live up to fantasy. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. Best wishes to you in your new life .

  20. Jim September 11, 2012 at 8:42 am #

    Gizfield: Thanks for your response, she was delighted when I filed for divorce. He lives 2 states away but they manage to take long weekends and spend Holiday’s together. His wife has filed for divorce so they can begin their “dream life” shortly.

    • Teresa September 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm #

      Just wait Jim….just wait…let’s see where they are in 2-3 yrs! My sister left her H of 35 yrs, a great job, and her four kids and 2 grandchildren for the OM…and a year later, she’s back home, divorced, broke (she got $12,000 in cash from her ex and some retirement funds and they blew through that in 7 months) shes in debt for thousands, the OM didn’t believe in working full time, only when he needed money, she found that out AFTER she moved 2000 miles away to be with him…And now she lives all alone and she HATES it!!
      Karma IS out there…it’ll catch up with them, just you wait and see! The best revenge you can have….make a new life for yourself and BE HAPPY!! Good luck to you!

      • Amanda February 28, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

        I found out my husband of 21 years, 2 homes, 4 kids, etc etc was going behind my back for two years looking for another woman. I was blind sided. We hadn’t been getting along and had started going to counseling and he told the counseler all kinds of wonderful things about me but never said what was truly bothering him (I still don’t know). He had started going through midlife (bad!) and started blaming me for all kinds of things that weren’t true (smothering him for example, which wasn’t true!! I never minded him having beers with friends or stuff like that). I think he was looking for reasons to leave because he wasn’t happy but to avoid guilt, made up reasons in his mind to back up his choices to stray. He finally found an older woman (9 years older than me) who had been married three times. She took him in immediately. She wormed her way into my kid’s hearts and she is a thorn in my side. She has guided him to drag me to court many many times and almost cost me to lose my home over it. They got married a few months ago (yes he is now her fourth husband). She has turned my two girls against me and constantly talks bad about me but knows just the right way to do it so the kids don’t understand what she is doing. I have a court order stating that neither parent is to talk bad about the other parent in the children’s precense, but it’s no good. If I took him to court over it what would be done? NOTHING! I have the two boys with me. I keep an eye on their cell phones and the OW is always texting them things about me. I have asked the boys fifty million times to either tell her “I don’t want to talk about my mom” or to just ignore the texts. They don’t want to cause hard feelings and answer her. For example I see her latest texts are asking him about Senior Skip Day and why doesn’t your mom take you to do something. He said mom has to work and she went on to grill him….she thought I didn’t work anymore (which isn’t true) blah blah blah. What is it of her business?? This is driving me crazy and she knows the only way to get to me is through my kids. Why can’t they just move on? They got what they wanted…..why do they have to try and turn the kids against me? I just want to move on and find happiness again (I have a wonderful man in my life) and wait for KARMA!

        • Natalia February 28, 2013 at 4:02 pm #

          Amanda, she not going to stop because she wants your life. She got your husband and now she wants your kids. She wants to be you. I suggest you speak to an aggressive attorney to draft a petition for this bitch to stop contacting your children. And threaten your husband with filing for sole custody and no contact with him because he is not stopping this bitch and seems to be enabling her. However this will only work if your children are minors. If they are over 18 all you can do is talk to them in a therapeutic setting, that is with a therapist. Good luck.

          • Amanda February 28, 2013 at 4:25 pm #

            It’s funny you would say that because she changed to MY dr now (so yes sometimes I go to the dr and she is waiting in the waiting room!) and also invites MY family to their house often. My family has no family loyalty and remembers him the way he USED to be (was a good guy) and goes to visit him. I’ve pretty much stopped talking to my family. They know how I feel. I told them I don’t mind them being civil and saying hello if they saw him out somwhere, but to go have coffee and cake with him and his new wife after they spent how long cheating on me? I just feel so betrayed. I have a good man in my life and I am happy. I just want this witch to stop talking bad about me to my kids. Two are still minors. My oldest daughter is on her own and doesn’t want to speak to me now. I told her I love her and if she ever needs anything I am here for her, but will not tollerate how she talks or treats me. My 15 year old daughter decided to live with the ex and she was there two months and now treats me terribly. I told her the same thing. When you can show me respect as your mother, then we will go back to doing family things. She doesn’t care right now. My oldest son is 18 and slightly autistic. He is the one that the OW texts all of the time about me. I have saved the texts and I have let the exhusband know I save their texts. I told him I will take it to court if I have to. He backed off. The OW on the other hand does it all the more. They told my two boys to put passwords on their phones because it’s none of my business what they text. I sat the boys down and told them my boyfriend and I pay the phone bill, we bought the phones, and it’s our job as parents to check up and make sure things are ok. If they don’t like it they can surrender the phones. They kept the passwords on (my 13 year old son said he was afraid of losing it and someone using it). So I downloaded a program that allows me to see the texts without needing a password. The OW knows the only way to get to me is through my kids and so this is the route she uses. She brags about how her father was a minister (he was married three times) and what a christian woman she is. I pray that she moves on with their new life and just leaves me alone. I texted a friend of mine today that works for a lawyer. I think I am going to ask a lawyer if there is anything I can do. There is no way to keep the kids from her. As far as I know she treats them good, she just runs me down in front of them. The judge in this county sucks and I don’t see anything being done for me. Unfortunately the court systems don’t care much about family values any more. I’ve experienced this first hand now.

            • sammy January 16, 2015 at 1:51 pm #

              Amanda, this woman is evil. Your ex must be saying some pretty horrible things about you for her wanting to destroy your connections with your kids. Or maybe it’s just a game for her…see how much she can control your kids. This is just downright weird and distorted. Or maybe she’s angry because she knows deep down that she has done some nasty things, doesn’t want to confront that side of her personality, and has to blame you for her anger…but that would mean she would have to have some sort of conscience. Fear sometimes comes out as anger, so maybe she’s afraid that you’re not really as bad as she was led to believe but has to denigrate you because she needs to hope that your ex is wonderful. In any case, karma has probably visited them…your ex couldn’t really be happy with this kind of person.

  21. Jim September 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    Teresa: Thanks for your comment. My ex got me for $200,000, and her husband to be is loaded as a Director for a malor company. They travel all the time and have absolutely no regard for the pain they have caused and the family units they have discarded. No young children on either side. Hopefully they will see the error of their ways someday and show some remorse, highly doubtful. Their lives appear to be perfect.

  22. exercisegrace September 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm #

    Personally, I dislike the term “Christian”. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus and I shouldn’t have to say that to anyone. If my life doesn’t reflect my beliefs, then I am a fraud and a failure. Telling me that the OW was a “christian” and “active in her church” (bullcrap on both accounts) was a way to make me comfortable with the growing friendship. If your walk doesn’t match your talk, then we are going to have a problem!

  23. DJ September 12, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

    My husband and his OW are both religious types, too. They prayed for God to make a way for them to be together.

    I am a Christian, but I have no illusion that this makes me or my fellow Christians better than anyone else. A public profession of faith does not a Christian make. And given the right situation, even a real Christian can fall with little provocation at all.

  24. Missy October 7, 2012 at 11:34 pm #

    Great article! Thank you for writing this. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy article to write.

    My cheating ex got engaged to the OW before our divorce was final. He suffers depression and it normally lasts from Nov until Feb. I was so hurt by the horrible way that he treated me and discarded our marriage. He was a minister at the church we attended. He moved to another state to be with the OW.

    He has called me numerous times crying and apologizing just to try to ease his guilt. He told me how much he misses me, misses us, misses our life and our friends. This is the OW’s 3rd affair with a married man but my ex is the only one that left his marriage.

    He dislikes kids but is engaged to someone with a 4 year old daughter. During one of his depressive cycles he told me that he was afraid he would molest a child…If I ever tried to let the OW know this, I just come across looking like a bitter ex.

    What a crazy mess! His family are very angry about his choice and have already told him that she is not welcome to family events and that they would not be having family vacations with them either. It’s such a tangled web that people weave.

    I am just thankful to be out of this situation. I have been blessed with great friends and an awesome Pastor. Karma. Oh dear sweet Karma; it’s going to visit them soon enough.

  25. Gizfield October 8, 2012 at 7:54 am #

    Oh my, Missy. That is one of the worst situations I have seen on here. one of the primary reasons I stayed with my husband was so that a known tramp who dates married men would not have access to my then five year old daughter. It is so common for child molesters to use the parent to get access to the child. I have a friend on facebook who is divorced with a nine year old son. Every few months it’s the same story. She gets a new “wonderful” boyfriend, them a few months later it comes out hes jerk. The latest shes dated about a month, and theres a photo of her kid and another boy laid out on the couch watching tv with himv. I’m not saying anything is going on there, but how easy is that? If he really is a child molester, your ex, can you think of any way he can be exposed? This is extremely serious stuff.

  26. Missy October 8, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    I honestly did the only two things that I knew to do. I notified the pastor of the church that they are currently attending and I also informed my ex-SIL.

  27. Gizfield October 8, 2012 at 9:38 am #

    Thats great, Missy! You did what you could! Now it’s on them, hope it doesn’t happen.

  28. Surviving October 8, 2012 at 9:41 am #

    Missy,
    What a horrible situation.

  29. Amelia December 4, 2012 at 7:50 pm #

    Wow! My ex left me for another girl and they enjoyed every moment of wrecking and escaping our marriage while I was left behind raising a child. She is now pregnant and engaged to him and its now as if both of them are miserable as hell as noone is happy for them and treating the other women like a cockroach you just can’t kill.

    I would hate to be her she’s so hated and the pain she caused is going to know haunt her for the rest of her life. Bringing children into the mess they created was just shocking. It goes to show how desperate and insecure these other women get. Poor child

  30. Jody January 15, 2013 at 11:22 am #

    Anita, if you are still around…you have turned my entire day around. I am the cheater, and it is killing me. I left my spouse for my AP and married him. I do love him very much, and in many ways we are happy. I simply cannot come to terms with my guilt. I can’t forgive myself, and I like you actually have a strong faith. I pray about this daily, and need to learn to forgive myself for what I’ve done. I feel horrible for what I’ve done. I speak to God daily, and if you could provide any passages in the bible relating to this, I would appreciate it. Thank you for setting an example of positive healing for so many hardened, bitter hearts and for speaking the truth about what is best for the children despite who caused the pain. I’m trying so hard to move on, but everywhere I turn people just make me feel like a whore all over again unworthy of forgivness. You are the first woman on this site to ever make me think that this is posible. Thank you.

    • Kathrine May 18, 2016 at 7:21 pm #

      Jody, you can’t ask the BS to forget her feelings and just “do what’s best for the children” when you and their father couldn’t think about what was best for them either. It’s always interesting to me when the OW/OM think that it’s the BS who must make things sparkly for the children to make up for their failures. I made sure that my children got into therapy immediately and one of the things the counselor told them was that their mother is a human being with feelings. That we ALL had a right to feel upset and hurt. That we ALL needed time to heal. My children didn’t want to be around the OW and it had nothing to do with me telling them not to…IT HAD TO DO WITH THE OW BEING PART OF A HORRIBLE TIME IN THEIR LIFE. It may be a magical time for YOU because you are with your “soulmate” or whatever, but to them you’ve changed their world. You’ll have to just give everyone time to process their pain and deal with however long that takes – it’s not up to you or their father to decide how long that will be. I understand why Anita’s words speak to you…my ex and the OW have suddenly turned to God and now all their sin is forgiven. Great. But that doesn’t negate the damage they did. If you feel unworthy of forgiveness…well, your actions were awful. It’s appropriate that you feel that way. Give the children and the BS their space! Just because you are with their father doesn’t give you any right to insert yourself into their lives. My ex tries to force it and my children just shut down. Let things happen naturally. No one HAS to forgive you…and you shouldn’t expect it. If they do forgive you, then you should feel very lucky. If not, then you’ll have to accept that the cost of pursuing your own interests (your “love”) was at the cost of your reputation. All you can do is try to be a better person and find a way to forgive yourself. No one owes you forgiveness. Sorry, Anita. I disagree with you. I don’t live with hate in my heart but my forgiveness was for myself, not the OW or my ex. They are not my concern.

  31. Warrior March 24, 2013 at 3:43 am #

    Hi. My husband has been having an affair with the OW for 16 months now where they kept on lying about their relationship which was mostly internet based except for the other”work trips” I found evidence though and he confessed, begged for forgiveness and carried on with her for the next year. I fought for my marriage and my 2 beautiful girls The other woman moved in with him last week after she was apparently kicked out of her home. She is 10years younger than me, drop dead gorgeous and was a model but at 36, now basically unemployed which means he has to pay her bills. My husband is financially responsible for us at this stage. I have started working but work on commission only. He is a good dad and his intentions (however unrealistic) are to provide for us. He wanted my kids to go and visit him and my 12 year old refused. The youngest wanted to go and see him and wrote a list of rules for him about what would upset her like sleeping in the bed with the OW and she wanted him to sleep with her. (she has been diagnosed as highly sensitive) When it came to bedtime he told her he is going to sleep with the OW but that he’d leave the door open. She woke up in the middle of the night and the door was locked which was traumatic for her. The OW also said her hair needs conditioner, which angered my daughter Now she also refuses to go to him and we’ve agreed that he’d come and pick them up by himself and spend a day with them. I am so hurt about what he did and the way they did it. He blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life and says that she is so supportive. After a week of living together!!! My kids lives will never be the same. I really resent the fact that even they are living (without furniture though) except for their lovenest but they are happy and enjoying their honeymoon while stepping over the dead bodies around them…and they don’t care . I’m sure a year from now things will look very different from now… but right now it is so hard.

    • Amanda March 24, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

      This is almost my exact story and I feel for you. I cannot even tell you it will get better. My ex would blame me that I was poisining the kids against him and the OW and I was not. I tried to tell him they were angry about what he did and hurt that they want time with HIM while they heal but he had to include her in everything. My youngest was devistated that he was sleeping with the OW while they were trying to heal and he told them they needed to get over it because he loved HER now. Fast forward to today, he was able to tell my two daughters enough lies that they are mad at me, went to live with him and barely speak to me. he told them that he was smothered by me and was never allowed to do anything. That is sooo far from the truth. He went out when he wanted to and had no rules. And I didn’t mind it because we were best friends and there was TRUST. When i found out he had a secret cell phone and other lies he told me I DID become possessive. Isn’t that normal?? I tried to explain that to my girls and they said “poor you”. Nice huh? He is now married to the OW. I told my girls I love them and I will always be here for them but I will NOT put up with the disrespect from them and until they can treat me better we won’t be doing anything together. They still think I am wrong and although I reach out from time to time (which I shouldn’t!!) they still treat me nasty. I bought my 15 year old daughter a bunch of nice Christmas presents. I made her come here and open them so we could see her happiness and she was here ten minutes, opened them, gathered them up, gave us a hug and kiss (the boyfriend and myself) and she left. Then blocked me on her cell phone. The best advice I can give you, is TRY TRY TRY to block the feelings in your heart for him and move on. I put myself on a dating site 3 months after he left. I wasn’t ready at all!!! But I started to see what was out there and I met other people who were going through the same thing. I tried to forgive in my own heart the best I could. I had to, to move on. You don’t have to tell him he’s forgiven. Do it for yourself. If you have insurance, go see a counselor. I found a great one and it helps so much! Don’t be afraid to date casually. Just be up front that you are looking for friends first because you are just getting back into the dating scene. And lean on your friends when you are sad. That is what they are there for. I also put myself back in school and have about 14 more months to go to have my degree. Do some things for yourself to make yourself proud. Right now my ex and his new bride are constantly using the kids against me and I have no way to stop it. The courts don’t care!!! It’s sickening. So I ignore as much as I can and wait for KARMA. XOXOXO

    • jorge November 29, 2013 at 5:09 am #

      im sorry but it isnt just men that Do these things. my wife and i were together 11years, married for almost 8. 4 years ago we both stepped out on our marriage. i went first and it was longer, her was as a payback. we forgave each other and got together again. aug 13 was the last time she told me that she loved me, on aug 27 after a normal argument she decided that she wanted a divorce. i couldnt undrstand why until…. 3 months ago she decided to do have another affair. we were both christian, her more so than i so when my kids found out about it and told me we could not believe it. on sept 9 i spoke to the mans wife to confirmit and i left the house. since then she has filed for divorce. she has since told my oldest daughter (21) that she wasnt with him anymore but was “talking” to someone new, someone younger. she says the first guy decided to stay and work on his own marriage. the whole time she called me psycho, that i was acting like a crazy person. now i know it was her making me act like that, denying everything. another lie she has held on to was that it was an emotional affair only but just 2 days ago she told my daugther that it was in fact sexual as well. 3 months later she still able to break my heart even more. for the last 3 minths she has used the excuses that ranged from me being controlling, to being mean to her family (sisters), to being mean to my stepkids. to having a wondering eye. i still maintain a great relationship with my stepkids and specially my 10 month old granddaughter. her new and latest excuse is that she never forgave me for what happened 4 years ago. for a while there i started to belive this but then i realized that she is coming up with so many thimgs to justify what she did specially since her decision has destroyed not only our lives but the lives of my 5 children ( twins 5, 10, 14 and 21) and our grandaughter. and it made even more sense now that i know that it was a full flege affair. for the last 3 months she has made me pay for choice by how she talks to me, her actions, that she hates me without ever giving me a reason why. she even put a restraining order on me after an argument and because of it i have not seen my 3younger kids in 4 weeks. no one seems to understand why she is projecting so much anger and blame on me. when i first found out about this guy i begged and pleaded for counseling to repair our marriage and the answer was always no. she now is trying to live the life of an 18yr old. her life is the gym, her old high school friends from 20 years ago, her old high schools footbal games on friday (none of our sons play, just a nephew but we never went before) our 10yr olds pop warner (this where she met the man). because she has lost so much weight she thrives on the attention men on the field give her. keep in mind that i am 40 and she is 42.

      • Lois November 30, 2013 at 8:46 am #

        The anger she projects is guilt. My xhusband is remarried and angry as well as mean. He left has what he wants he should be happy. Not! With all that has been done, the deceit and lies have gone on too long. You cannot mend it. A Christian she is not. She is lost! Take care of yourself and family. This is what is important now.

        • jorge November 30, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

          Thank you. I am focusing on trying to heal. I am praying by dec 18 i will have my children again. that they are not being fed lies that I am the one that doesn’t want to see them. my children and i had such a great bond and i pray we can have that again. i am dreading the day they ask me why their mommy and daddy are not together anymore. I am still in awe how people can throw away so much for so little. i sill love and miss my wife but i know that the woman that used to be my wife, their mother, no longer exists.

          • Lois November 30, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

            You are correct. How old are your kids? Let them know always you love them. Contact them as much as possible for small talk hows school etc. Be there my husband was not he was busy building a relationship. As you know relationships take work. Make sure they know you are there if they need you. Respect takes time to earn but can be lost easily. My kids are 15 and 20. They love their Dad but have little respect for him. It will take time for healing. Currently they are what is the most important. Take care make good choices.

  32. Missy March 24, 2013 at 9:21 am #

    Warrior ~ My heart goes out to you. They are in ‘the honeymoon’ stage right now, they don’t see the bodies yet but they will…give it time.

    The best thing that you can do is to put on your best game face in front of him. When he is out with the kids, go get pampered or go to the gym. Don’t text him, call him or email him begging him to come back. If you can find a local DivorceCare class, they really helped me. They have them for kids as well.

    Trust me, neither one of them have ‘won’. The fantasy of the affair and living the ‘dream’ of finally being together wears off quick!! My ex married his AP and started calling his family crying about how miserable he is within 3 weeks of being married.

    He will soon start seeing her faults and she will see his. And living with no furniture – ha! Honey, that would get old for anybody quick. The problems surface a lot faster when you quit fighting for him. Of course your ex tried to blame you for the marriage problems; he has to try to reason it out in his mind and he obviously isn’t going to be taking any responsibility for it (gasp!).

    I am praying for you today! There is an amazing life waiting out there for you, I know that it may not feel like it right now with everything that you are going through but there is. You deserve so much more than being in a relationship where you weren’t valued. Affairs are had by selfish people who are only thinking of themselves and their needs.

    • Warrior March 24, 2013 at 12:40 pm #

      Hi Missy. Thank you so much for your encouragement and your prayers.

  33. Warrior March 24, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    Amanda. Amazing!!! I was also accused of being jealous… after I found evidence of other women. He was the one who was so jealous that when we first met, I had to throw out my clothes that I wore with my ex. Funny how that changed when it suited him. I’m so sorry to hear about your kids. That must be devastating. Give them time. Deep down they know the truth and you’ll always be their mother.

    • Amanda March 24, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

      Warrior,
      I seek advice from women who have gone through this before me and they all tell me my girls will come around again. It just sucks that HE wanted out and he got what he wanted, yet he and the new wife (previous OW) use the kids to try and get to me. I don’t understand when you get what you want, why do you talk bad about me and run me down?? My counselor told me he does it because in his mind, he has to find reasons to hate me. He didn’t have a reason to leave. He left because he was going through midlife and thought the grass was greener. She said he will try to find reasons to hate me, because if he cant hate me, then he has to come to terms that he still loves me. And he cant love me, he left me! So if he has to come to terms with what he did then he will have to admit he was wrong. She told me to be prepared to have to put up with this crap the rest of my life. He is her fourth husband by the way….. 😉 And she is 9 years older than me. I just pray my kids come around. I love them so!

  34. Rich May 18, 2013 at 10:31 pm #

    As a betrayed husband, you deserve all the pain, shame, spite and humiliation that comes your way. Your choices are disgusting and karma will hopefully kick you in the ass until you die. You deserve it!!!

  35. Lisa June 14, 2013 at 10:26 pm #

    Hi everyone…….I’m new here and have never posted anything like this ever so I’m really nervous. I found this letter months ago and have wanted to rewrite it to the woman who destroyed my marriage and family. She was my friend. She was also married. She has 5 children ages 6-19. She says she’s a Christian and was very active in her church community. We double dated. Our children spent the night at each others houses. It was going on for years. I had no idea. She divorced her husband and mine divorced me. We were married for 26 years. They are now openly together and everyone knows what happened. My children enjoy hers and everyone is getting along. Many don’t seem to mind. Some do though and they are my friends. They are getting married in October. I want their marriage to fail but I doubt it will. They say they are soul mates. They say it was Gods plan for them to be together. My husband was an atheist/agnostic? but now he’s found Jesus. I’ve even heard they plan to start a church together but I just can’t believe that one!

    Now I must tell you that I am not without fault although I have never cheated on him. My husband and I were going through a rough patch I guess. He was craving intimacy and I shut him out. I put everything before him……my 2 boys, my friends, my community, my work……all before him and even before God. I think he tried….maybe. I am so ashamed. When I finally realized what was happening it was too late. I had found a years worth of love letters where she wrote about the intimate details of their sex life (I will not go into details but trust me it was almost pornographic). I found thousands of dollars of receipts for gifts. I found lingerie. They both denied the affair to everyone including their families, friends and pastor. They told people I was crazy.

    I am trying so hard to forgive myself and them. I just can’t do it yet. I’m afraid I never will. I believe they have or are trying to repent however they continue to spread lies about me. The latest is that I’m gay and that’s why we divorced. I am trying to hold my head up high and be strong for my boys but it is so hard. I want them to know what she did. I want to know what’s going to happen when they get married. Are they going to think it’s ok to bail when things get tough?

    What if I do find forgiveness? What if they are forgiven? Will we all be in heaven together? I think I’d rather spend eternity in hell than one second in heaven with them? Does that make me crazy or an awful person?

    • Doug June 19, 2013 at 8:45 am #

      This came to our email by mistake…

      “Warrior” writes:

      Lisa. My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel. I don’t get how they can carry on with their lives and be ok. My ex spoke to me today and basically let slip that the OW fights with him about speaking to me and spending time with my kids. At least my kids don’t have to see her at this stage, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to manage that. I can only imagine how it must feel if this woman was your friend and knows you. I pray if he has truly turned to God that he will be convicted and that he will see the truth of his actions. I look around me and see so many people who has married their affair partners and seem happy. I think their relationship must be very shallow and there is always consequence. I think I will see this in my husband’s life when I no longer care.

  36. Strengthrequired June 15, 2013 at 1:49 am #

    Ohhh Lisa, I’m so sorry. You have nothing to be ashamed about, nothing at all. You didn’t do this to your marriage, they did, they also did the exact same thing to her marriage destroyed it.
    Your boys will one day see what really happened. When your ex h and his ow get married , they will see, that marriage needs work, they will never be able to trust each other.
    That will be there living hell. Their love was made from hurting people, and betrayal, and was not made any decent way with morals and dignity, like your was.
    It doesn’t make you a bad person, not at all. The hurt you, they are the ones that need to be worried about their judgment day.
    They would ave to spend the rest o their lives knowing what they did, knowing all the prayers in the world won’t help them truly find god if they keep on sinning, lying, and not seeking forgiveness from those they hurt. Adultery is not acceptable, no matter how they sugar coat their affair, it was wrong in every way.
    Just sit back and find yourself, you find someone that will truly be deserving of you, and be happy. Show your ex h that you dont heed him to make you happy, show him the woman you are, and let him regret his bed he chose to lie in. You will be the one that ends up in a happy relationship, they won’t, it will be just too much work. So sit back and watch it fall apart.

  37. Lisa June 15, 2013 at 11:29 pm #

    Thank you for your kind words. You made my day 🙂 I have been blessed with supportive friends and family and your words echo theirs. Today was a good day.

  38. Strengthrequired June 16, 2013 at 3:42 am #

    Your welcome, I am glad you had a good day. I’m glad you have such wonderful support around you, especially at a time like this.
    Just remember no matter how much they toot their own horn about how wonderful they are, that’s all it is, because they need to put you down, to make their behavior look right, and try and pass it off as meant to be. You cam only imagine the talking that goes on behind their backs, wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall to hear it all?
    Take care andmlook after yourself.

  39. justbecause June 16, 2013 at 5:39 am #

    Lisa, So his affair was going on while he wanted more intimacy with you? I don’t think he really wanted to work on the marriage. You both new your marriage was in trouble. He should have ended his affair (actually he should have never started it!) and worked on his marriage. He knew you would have problems being close, being loving. In fact he counted on just that! He was just trying to justify his own wrongdoings.

    No we are not perfect, but don’t you dare feel guilty.

    How can you feel close to someone when they devalue you by having an extramarital relationship?

  40. Lisa June 20, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    I just wish I could stop blaming myself. I’m not writing here in search of a pity party but I just feel so damn pitiful! I didn’t put our marriage first……that’s on me. How long is this going to last? Why can’t I be done with it already? When I see them together it is so painful to watch I just want to scream! How can they just pretend like it was okay? She pretended to be my friend and stole my life from me! We could have gotten through this…..I know it!

    Today I referred to her as a whore in front of my boys and my youngest asked what that meant and I said that’s a woman who has sex with a married man. To date, I’ve been pretty good at keeping my comments to myself or only sharing them with my adult friends but it just slipped out and I’m not even sorry I said it! I want them to HATE her! I want them to remember our family’s life together….not this! How do I teach them values without telling them what their dad did was horrible? How are they going to learn how to be faithful? Why can’t I stop obsessing about it?

    I’m going to end for now…..thank you all for writing back to me. It’s very comforting.

    • Strengthrequired June 21, 2013 at 7:17 am #

      Lisa, I’m sorry your having a hard tie right now, it’s not a pity party at all.
      Just teach your children that self respect, dignity and honour as well as trustworthiness is an important way to be. Teach them what the difference between what’s right ad wrong, teach them that family comes first, no matter what, respecting others, not to hurt someone else, that’s all any of us can do.
      I wouldn’t worry about what you told your kids, I want my kids to hate the ow too. I don’t ever what them to think it is ok to break a family.

  41. Lisa June 20, 2013 at 11:09 pm #

    I don’t know what I did but somehow my user name was changed from Lisa to lad. I am technically inept too.

    • Doug June 21, 2013 at 6:52 am #

      I went in and changed your publicly displayed name back to Lisa. It was originally set to your user name.

  42. Lisa June 23, 2013 at 1:12 am #

    Thanks.

  43. Rosey July 5, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

    An interesting blog.
    I was left behind with my two teens, while my husband ran off with a 31 year old secretary. He married her 17 months after announcing to me for the first time that our marriage was in trouble, and had, in fact ended. He still denies that she was the reason for leaving, despite the father of the bride confirming at their wedding speech that they had fallen in love in December, a full month before I knew my marriage was in trouble. The affair was probably an EA. From inside and outside the family circle, we appeared to have an Ikea family.
    Eventually, however, I was actually the one who did the most damage to the children. Unable to cope with the shock and despair, any mention of my ex-husband or his wife by the children set me off on a tirade of abuse against the couple. It made my children even more miserable than they already were. The victim can very quickly become the aggressor.
    About 7 months after the split, I finally caught myself. I had to ban all mention of the couple in the household, because I knew I couldn’t restrain myself. About 7 months after the ban and after significant healing, I lifted the ban, and the children are now happy to speak openly in front of them. I am careful never to bad mouth either of them. They seemed genuinely relieved to be able to speak openly.
    The children are the real victims in a situation like this. For instance, my 17 year old suffers from serious trust issues in her relationship with a lovely boy. In her words, how can she trust someone, when the most important man in her life did so much harm, and yet lies and deludes himself into believing that he did no one harm.
    My word of advice is: No matter how badly you were wronged by your ex or the other woman, don’t speak ill of them in front of your kids. Wait until you’re alone with your friends. Their father is still their father. The other woman is someone they need to get along with, or she will end up making their lives miserable.
    Maybe there is karma and they will eventually ‘get what they deserve’. I used to wish them ill, but now their happiness, or not, is largely irrelevant to me. My children’s happiness, however, is paramount.

  44. Disappointed July 6, 2013 at 2:06 am #

    I do not think my h will marry the ow, but I do know she left her husband and is divorcing. I think as soon as the divorce papers are final he will be gone. He has convinced himself that I was never there for him And that I had too many expectations and he comprimised himself to try to meet my expectations at his own expense. they have been carrying on an affair for going on two years but he says no contact since I caught in ea.LIe after lie. he says she has never played games and never made him wait and was just herself and only wanted to know him. I am sure now that she is divorcing that is all just being reinforced. I Tried to tell him that the affair in itself was a game. he won’t admit it. I will have to see them ecstatically happy and bear the acceptance of friends and the humiliation of knowing that everyone will know he chose her and threw me away.

  45. Lisa July 8, 2013 at 11:22 pm #

    Dear Rosey, your husband hurt your children when he lied to you and then left. I think in your heart you know that too. I am a little guilty of saying things in front of my kids too. It’s so hard not to……I have since learned to talk only to my closest friends and family but I sooooooo want my kids and everyone else for that matter to know how he hurt me. I think my kids have forgiven me and yours will too if they haven’t already. I also think they will figure it out eventually. I am still very much in pain and what hurts the most is that they parade around town like what they did was okay and everything is as it should be. They continue to tell lies to justify their behavior and say that it was Gods plan. And worse still is that most people don’t seem to care. I live in a small town and want to scream from the rooftops about all their lies. I want people to shun them and believe me. But I write my feelings here and talk to my friends instead. In the long run I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through it will understand the pain that we feel. So I will end for now and pray that you will have the strength to put one foot in front of the other with a smile on your face 🙂 Fake it till you make it. That’s my new mantra!

    Dear Disappointed, I feel humiliated too……how could we not? Our husbands did choose someone else and threw us away. The depth of that pain in indescribable and no one can understand what it feels like unless it has happened to them. Last summer I saw a therapist and it was the best thing I ever did. I could tell her anything! And believe me, I told her everything…..even things I would not tell anyone else in the world. She truly help me beyond words and I was never into that sort of thing before. If therapy isn’t your thing then surround yourself with supportive friends who will be there for you. I hope tomorrow is a better day 🙂

  46. Pmathias July 9, 2013 at 5:52 am #

    Hi everyone !
    My husband is been with other woman since a few years i was not aware.
    On the 14 of this month he informed that our 16 year marriage was just a paper and we only have a bond blood referring to my 12 year old daughter.
    I was shock because this is my husband the one i was suppose to die with.
    Few days later he send me a picture of a newborn baby girl, informing me they had a baby.
    He asked me to keep hidden from my daughter because she is not ready to know and when she will be older she will understand.
    I am completely devastated and in pane .
    He is going to Romania with this woman and the baby , I believe she is romanian, and he does not want to have an holiday with us.
    I was honest with my daughter and I have told her the true, she is in pane and sad.
    However she wants to keep a secret waiting till the day he tells her.
    He says that he will provide for us and he will not take anything from our daughter to give to his new child.
    I have been praying many times a day, my hope is with Jesus and our almighty god.
    Please pray for me and give me your advise
    Thank you

  47. Rosey July 9, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

    Hi Lisa,
    Thanks for your support. I am not a religious person myself, but I think any true believer would find your ex-husband’s version of God’s plan pretty flimsy. It must be tough to be in a small town – I was very relieved when my ex moved away. It wasn’t the best thing for the children, but it certainly was for me.
    I do have a smile now, a genuine one at that most of the time. It took a little while, but life is too short to feel all that devastation and despair for long.

  48. Rosey July 9, 2013 at 12:55 pm #

    Dear Pmathias,
    My heart goes out to you. How devastating for both yourself and your daughter.

    You were right to tell her the truth. Had you hidden it from her, she would have resented you for the lie someday. Why should you be responsible for telling your husband’s lies anyway?

    It is so hard to function when this happens but I have a few practical tips. Gather your friends and family around you and take all the support they are willing to give. Also, it sounds brutal, but guilt has a shelf life, so try to get an official financial agreement with your husband as soon as possible, especially since he is moving abroad and has another woman and a baby. I fought through the emotional despair to make sure my children and I were financially secure. At the time I didn’t really care, but I am ever so glad for my actions now. My ex rather regrets his generous financial offer with hindsight, but it’s too late to challenge it.

    And, try through the darkest days to remember that you and your daughter will feel better some day.

    My thoughts are with you.

  49. Warrior July 11, 2013 at 8:32 am #

    Hi everyone. I want to give you an update about my situation. My ex confessed to me that he misses the times we had and that the OW is so not living up to the fantasy he had in his head. Apparently despite her external beauty, she is quite dumb and he misses the conversations we used to have and the sex is also not going so well. I had to giggle inside at the confession. It just helped me to heal.. I don’t want him back. The year and a half I spend hoping and crying and thinking that I don’t measure up because he has the perfect woman after slumming it with me for 12years. What a lie. The grass is hardly ever greener on the other side. Men get pulled in by the lie. A friend of mine recently said: How you walk out of one relationship is how you walk into the next. While I’ve moved on and have been working on getting better he is even at a worst place than he’s been. They are fighting more after living together for 3 months than we ever did. So hang in there ladies. Whatever they are portraying about their new lives. Give it time… maybe they won’t confess like mine did because they are too proud to admit they were pulled in by a lie… 🙂 Hang in there.. It will get better

  50. Gizfield July 11, 2013 at 10:23 am #

    Thank you for sharing, Warrior. I imagine that would be pretty typical as an outcome for all our spouses if we had set them free. I was reading on facebook one day all the quotes about Karma getting cheaters, etc. I realized due to my never leaving my husband that it won’t happen. Karma, Interrupted. Being an ourcast, losing his family relationship, people knowing what he did, BEING WITH the skanky nasty whore he pursued and seeing each other for what they really are, all Interrupted. I do enjoy daydreaming about it sometimes, lol. Next step for your hub, Warrior, is probably Old Guy at the Club. Lol. I bet thats fun to watch.

  51. Bus August 8, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

    I had an affair. Cheated on my wife with someone we both new. It went on for a long time. Wife and I separated. Reconciled. Problem was, I fell in love with the other woman couldnt get over it. 20 months after reconciling, wife and I separated and are now divorced.

    The other woman, separated from her husband and is in divorce process (not to be with me, that was a long time coming). We have been back together, so now I will call her my girlfriend, and I can see spending my life with her. However, now my kids know it was her I was involved with. Daughter (12) previously was not talking to me. I had a good relationship with my son 15, but he wants nothing to do with me when I am around her. While I know this is a situation my actions created, its nonetheless crushing to me. I have finally told my girlfriend that it will not work out for us. I cannot stand to not be able to be a father to my kids. (they have essentially given me an ultimatum). I am choosing to be involved in my kids lives. My son knows I am hurting and doesnt say much. He wants to keep as much of his life in tact as possible. I cant blame him. My conscience and quest to still be a good father have daily/hourly/minute to minute fights with the feelings of love for my girlfriend. PAIN. I hope this all plays out the right way in the end.

    • Strengthrequired August 8, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

      Bus, I’m trying to be kind here, so forgive me if I come across harsh, or not understanding to your situation.
      I’m sorry that your marriage broke down and ended up in separation.
      Yet I think you are doing the right thing by not keeping a relationship going with your “girlfriend”
      Your children are hurting, and it’s hard to face when you know you were the one that caused all this hurt. You now need to start protecting them, they lost their security with you, they relied on you as a protector of their family, yet you chose this ow over them. That is how they see it.
      You can’t blame them for not wanting anything to do with this “girlfriend” of yours, she destroyed their family, she hurt their family, their mother. She didn’t care about your children, she didn’t care about hurting their mother, all she wanted was you and didn’t care who was hurt while getting what she wants.
      If this girlfriend of yours left her husband, and wanted to sound her life with you, do you honestly believe that you can make it through together for the rest of your lives? Do you think that her betrayal of her husband and family, and your betrayal of your wife and family won’t end up being repeated?
      How
      If you think that it will last, how do you honestly know? How can you trust each other to not do the same thing if something better comes along?
      Was she worth hurting your children over?

      Sorry if what I said offended. I do hope you can repair the damage caused between you and your children. All the best

    • Warrior August 18, 2013 at 3:36 pm #

      Hi Bus. It is very brave of you to come on this forum so I’ll be as kind as possible. I have 2 kids that are so hurt because of their father’s selfish actions. My girls 13 and 10 don’t want anything to do with the girlfriend and they won’t even greet her. My ex forced them to greet her and now my eldest refuses to spend time with him even if he wants to take them out. He is hurt by their behaviour but also won’t give up on his girlfriend. All I’m saying is a woman really worth losing your kids for? He doesn’t even know if it will last because they argue a lot. She is trying to manipulate him concerning the kids saying they have bad manners…So she is stirring. This has nothing to do with their manners. Can anyone really force them to speak to someone who changed their life and split their lives down the middle. There’s always a price to pay and unfortunately it is the kids who pay.

  52. Lois August 23, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

    Well, My story is a bit scary..My husband and I were married for 21 years. He started conversing with his High School sweetheart. She has been married 5 times! he started keeping things to himself, he was consistantly adgitated all the time. Something was wrong, at the time we had a 13 year old and a seventeen year old. i asked him one morning what was up, he said that he was unhappy and it was not about me, it was about him and wanted to move out to see if he could survive on his own. Come to find out he was hording his money just to do that. I went to phone records and called a number he had been texting late at night. It was her! Called her and she finally gave me a shout back telling me how difficult it was to call me and tell me I was more her type, she was a lesbian. Right, they both went on with this game, he even telling me that if I did not trust him, he could never come home. Finally I early one morning went to his apartment and yes she had spent the night. Of course he continued to lie about thier relationship, I found out she had done this before and that I could not win. She was a Sociopath, a woman who has no boundries. He is convienced that they are meant to be, always loved each other. This is why all her relationships have failed. He is angry all the time, calls me names and he left! We lost everything, he lied to our kids who we raised Catholic, they love him but have no respect for his continued behavior. She moved in with him less than 6 months after he left, my kids found out on a visiting trip to his apartment where she told them she loved thier father and his home was hers and she wanted respect. He told them he loved her as muchas he loved them, they found this to be a very difficult statement. We were divorced November 1st, they were married April 28th. The kids found out on Facebook. Shocking! Selfish! His continued excuse for his actions to the kids now is, when you get older you will understand. They both bombard me with harrassing e-mails of anger because the kids are stand offish. it’s crazy. She manipulates his every being, Money, sends me e-mails in his name, constantly threatening me with court because my daughter who is 15 refuses forced visitation. I am trying to move on, be resonable, but some days its just hard!!

  53. Lois August 23, 2013 at 2:57 pm #

    Reading that I am not alone helps, but also hurts me that this has been done to other’s.

  54. Rosey August 23, 2013 at 4:22 pm #

    Actually, Lois, you really seem to have your act together. I agree, sometimes it is so difficult. A close friend of mine from my school days had his wife leave him for another man. She continually harrasses him, despite it being 3 years on and is horrendous to her children. Their daughter, now in her late teens, refuses to have anything to do with her. My friend, however, always maintains calm, and despite the abuse levied at him, doesn’t react (well, react much). As a consequence – 3 years down the line the children want nothing to do with the mother who lies, is abusive and destroyed her family, whereas my friend now enjoys a healthy, strong relationship with both of them. I guess we just have to bite our tongues, and let the kids choose their path, protecting them where we can. It is so sad though, that our children are the ones who take the brunt of the rejection and lies. My own daughter is so conflicted in her relationship with her father. I really wish she were young enough for me to shield her from the conflict.

  55. Lois September 10, 2013 at 10:48 am #

    After what I have been through and my kids. I don’t respect my X anymore. He is not worth my consideration. Somedays I find myself sad by the loss of my family unit. But what is done is done. I can do this! I will do this and be successful. God has a plan for me. I will follow his judgement.

  56. Liz October 26, 2013 at 7:34 pm #

    I know this thread is old however I’m glad I stumbled upon it. It gives me hope that one day the OW will get her payback. My dad had an affair 4 years ago. I was a senior in highschool. My parents got divorced and the OW moved into my childhood home. I still lived with my dad during this time because I could not live with my mother. They are still together and I resent her deeply. My parents had problems in their marriage and should have divorced long ago. However this was no excuse for an affair. The OW always tells me I didn’t break up you’re parents marriage. She thinks its fine that she slept with my father while my mom sister and me had no idea he was having an affair. From a (17 year old at the time) point of view it shattered my world when I found out. I know my father is at fault as well but children can forgive their parents. I have no obligation to forgive the OW. The author is correct children will always hate the OW no matter what. Especially if the OW acted shady. this woman has never apologized or even tried to say “hey i know why you dont like me” and try to resolve things. The OW was not forced to have an affair with my dad. She CHOOSE too! The worst part is she has children and she told her children it was ok what she did because my father had an unhappy marriage. All the lies and deceit are horrible. I really hope one day she feels the pain that she put my sister my mother and me through. I know my dad will cheat on her at some point I have to wait for time to play out. I’m glad my dad hasn’t married her. people tend to think affairs only affect the BW. It affects the children if not more than the betrayed spouse. I go to therapy for my anger and resentment but it still lingers. I get reoccuring nightmares about the OW. I believe I almost had some sort of PTSD from the ordeal. The feelings of being upset come and go it never stops though. The worst part for me is that she really thinks she did not do anything wrong. I feel like some OW’s aren’t human or defiantly lack empathy.

    • Rosey November 2, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

      I’m really sorry to hear what you are going through Liz.

      My daughter was 15 when my now ex ran off with a young woman. Two years later, she told me something which gives me hope for my childrens’ future.

      My daughter is similar in many ways to my ex. After struggling with his impact his just walking out on her brother, herself and me, she has realised that she herself would be at risk of just slinking away. However, having seen what her fathers actions did to us, she said if she gets married she will at least fight for the relationship to work, rather than sticking her head in the sand to problems, and then running away from them.

      She still has a good relationship with her father despite all the hurt.

      Parents may mess up, but it doesn’t mean the children need to make the same mistakes.

  57. Lois October 28, 2013 at 7:28 am #

    Wow! I am so sorry. Did I say I had a 15 year old daughter and a 20 year old son? I would like to offer you some advice. Don’t worry anymore about her getting hers someday. Start living your life happy with concerns for yourself. My 15 year old has no resentment towards the other woman, she has no respect for her. She has made up her mind that she will except her but is learning in life how to be. She will not be like this woman. Nothing like her. Pick and choose. Let this woman and every other woman make who you are. Its unfortunate but my kids have lost so much respect for their father. Its crazy how all he has to do is say I am sorry for what he put them through. Things would move foreward much quicker. He does not put them first at all. The OW now wife has ahold on him so tight he cannot even make plans. He is angry all the time and blames me. Curses at me. Don’t get it? She has been married 5 times he is 6. I don’t want her to leave him. Don’t want him banging on my door. I’m moving on. Has your Dad apologized? For not why he left but how. Or the lies? What’s up with your Mom? This worries me.

  58. Alex November 2, 2013 at 10:26 am #

    We were not married, but engaged to be married. Lived together for 3 years. And luckly we had no kids. We had arguements and i was blamed for a lot of things that happened in his mind only. I was fighting with depression and to save the relationship too, while he wasa accusing me constantly i do not understand his emotional needs (because i cought him talking to other girls on Facebook). It was always my fault. One time he went out of town to visit his parents. His answers on the phone were odd to me and i knew something was not ok. I got angry…and i packed his bags. To be honest i wanted to see him fight for our relationship one time. OF COURSE he “then” decided to move out and “work on our relationship” because he felt insecure i packed his bags. 2 weeks we both searched for an appartment to suit his needs. And i felt so quilty….accusing him and making him feel unwanted. We still lived together in that time…still had intimate time. 2 days after the visit to his parents some money magicly appeared in his account from a woman. “just a friend” he says…. to help me with the situation….. i old her you threw me out (again to make me feel guilty). He moved out….for a whome month he called me with all kind of syupid questions about the household (detergent, grocery lists bla bla). So i said…ok …he needs help in the start. Came home few times, we had some romantic and intimate dates this time…just to find out after a while that from the day he left this house he had moved in with that OW who sent him the money, that he visited his parents with her, and that they were having an emotional affair for months. BUT i was the one guilty, pushing him to do this because i didn’t understand his needs (tjhere was always something more to his needs no matter what i did).
    After i found out he still texted me, meeting me, wanting to “work out” on us… 2 am love texts…. 3000 texts in 4 mnths and tens of hours of Facebook chat, plus some face to face dates. They left for a holiday together…. and that is when all hell broke loose. She started posting an all social networking proofs of their love and relationship ..since it had begun… photos of them, but common friends tagged so i could see them…. he did that too. When they came back i put a stop to his calling and lies.

    The things is now i know he was blaming me just to hide his affair, but ..i know it in my head, still can’t get over it. And i do not understand this need of rubbing it to my face.
    I gained a lot of weight during my depression and i also lost a lot of it since this is happening (july). My self confidence is on teh rocks and nothing i do seems to work. I just can’t get over the feeling that i want to hang them somewhere, skin them alive and let them to dry or be eaten alive by crows

    And i can’t seem to find the strenght to pull myself together.
    She had a previous relationship with a married man …She claims she was hurt because she didn’t know for 6 monts (i call BS on that because she was living in a rather small town and when you start dating someone …you gotta be somewhat dumb not to see signs of that in 6 months). They are perfect together….a man who cheats and a woman who’s accepting cheating. I might sound mean and unforgiving but i hope Karma will do her job on these 2.

    • Lois November 3, 2013 at 8:09 am #

      We were not married, but engaged to be married. Lived together for 3 years. And luckly we had no kids. We had arguements and i was blamed for a lot of things that happened in his mind only. I was fighting with depression and to save the relationship too, while he wasa accusing me constantly i do not understand his emotional needs (because i cought him talking to other girls on Facebook). It was always my fault. One time he went out of town to visit his parents. His answers on the phone were odd to me and i knew something was not ok. I got angry…and i packed his bags. To be honest i wanted to see him fight for our relationship one time. OF COURSE he “then” decided to move out and “work on our relationship” because he felt insecure i packed his bags. 2 weeks we both searched for an appartment to suit his needs. And i felt so quilty….accusing him and making him feel unwanted. We still lived together in that time…still had intimate time. 2 days after the visit to his pare
      nts some money magicly appeared in his account from a woman. “just a friend” he says…. to help me with the situation….. i old her you threw me out (again to make me feel guilty). He moved out….for a whome month he called me with all kind of syupid questions about the household (detergent, grocery lists bla bla). So i said…ok …he needs help in the start. Came home few times, we had some romantic and intimate dates this time…just to find out after a while that from the day he left this house he had moved in with that OW who sent him the money, that he visited his parents with her, and that they were having an emotional affair for months. BUT i was the one guilty, pushing him to do this because i didn’t understand his needs (tjhere was always something more to his needs no matter what i did).
      After i found out he still texted me, meeting me, wanting to “work out” on us… 2 am love texts…. 3000 texts in 4 mnths and tens of hours of Facebook chat, plus some face to face dates. They left for a holiday together…. and that is when all hell broke loose. She started posting an all social networking proofs of their love and relationship ..since it had begun… photos of them, but common friends tagged so i could see them…. he did that too. When they came back i put a stop to his calling and lies.

      The things is now i know he was blaming me just to hide his affair, but ..i know it in my head, still can’t get over it. And i do not understand this need of rubbing it to my face.
      I gained a lot of weight during my depression and i also lost a lot of it since this is happening (july). My self confidence is on teh rocks and nothing i do seems to work. I just can’t get over the feeling that i want to hang them somewhere, skin them alive and let them to dry or be eaten alive by crows

      And i can’t seem to find the strenght to pull myself together.
      She had a previous relationship with a married man …She claims she was hurt because she didn’t know for 6 monts (i call BS on that because she was living in a rather small town and when you start dating someone …you gotta be somewhat dumb not to see signs of that in 6 months). They are perfect together….a man who cheats and a woman who’s accepting cheating. I might sound mean and unforgiving but i hope Karma will do her job on these 2.

  59. Liz November 3, 2013 at 8:42 pm #

    Sorry it took awhile to get back to those who replied.
    Lois-My dad has never really apoligized he just said he should have done things differently. He claims he wanted a divorce and had to cheat on my mom becuase that was the only way she would leave him (to me however its bs, he should have had the decency to tell her he wanted a divorce). My mom is moving on but is still hurt she dosent date yet but i don’t blame her. Her and my father were married for 25 years and she trusted him and he betrayed her.
    ~Bottom line the spouse who cheats and the OW are both selfish people. They are only cheating for their own gain and their own needs while they hurt others in the process. People need to man up and tell their significant others that they want out of the relationship before it gets to that point. There is no excuse for cheating. What really makes me sick is when the OW really thinks that she is some special person. In my opinion if the OW ain’t special because clearly she couldn’t find a happy, confident single man. Instead these OW find men who are having problems in their relationships. They have to find unhappy people because probally those whom are happy with themselves can see the true personalities of these women.

    ~Also as a solace for all those affected by an other woman most men cheat with a woman who is less attractive than their spouse. In my dad’s case I can honestly say this is true. the woman my dad cheated with smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day, swears like a sailor, wears mens clothling, has a deep manlike voice, and looks 10 years older than my father despite being 10 years younger than him, and has a very “rough” appearance. Most of my friends describe her as an old bar whore. (I’m am being 100% honest in my description it sounds absurd however it is the truth and it baffles me to this day what my father saw in her) She was complete opposite of my mother. So hence the above description these woman are truely despereate and have to latch on to whatever they can find. I think some of them try to make the man feel sorry for them. Especailly if the man is not happy with his wife, these woman are so desperate for affection that they use this to their advantage, they pretend to be sweet and they all have some sort of sob backstory in order to gain the mans attention.

    • Rachel November 24, 2013 at 5:19 pm #

      Liz,
      You are 100% right on all of your descriptions .
      So sorry you are going thru this terrible ordeal.
      Stay strong.

  60. Sandra November 23, 2013 at 5:39 pm #

    This is the first itme I wrote on columns such as this. I have been married for 3 yrs..but my husband decided he doesn’t want us to continue and has asked me to let him go just over a moth ago via email. You see, he works overseas and will be gone months at a time..
    I know the distance will always give people the chance to not be faithful but he was the who really chose to work abroad rather than just stay with me and make us work.. I live in a country where there is no divorce. Anybody who would read his letter will find it very selfish as it is full of “HIM and HIS NEEDS”. We both married rather late..I in my late 30s and him in his mid40s..we don’t have kids yet but we tried for months with low success.

    I know his email PW then and 4mos prior to his goodbye letter, I found out that he got interested with a female co-worker and they regularly exchanged msgs. I thought of it nothing at first bcos my H is a really friendly guy and has the tendency to email and chat with people. But this Sept. I read intimate msgs bet.the OW (21y.o) and my H (49) about being in hotels and places tog. My heart sank..I couldn’t eat, sleep…lost 20lbs and would have occasional migraines.. I found out, too that they have been intimately messaging ea other thru Skype..I decided to delete my account so as to stop seeing them and help myself to heal…

    I am presently taking counseling from our local church and have been active in reading the Word. I don’t have any siblings and my parents are both very old (80s)…so you can imagine my sheltered life.. I only wanted to have a simple life..a loving home..a family…I don’t want to grow old alone… I’m taking ea day at a time but it’s not an easy journey… I miss feeling ‘normal’ again…and I feel so lonely…

    • Doug November 25, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

      Sandra, I’m so sorry to hear about what you have experienced and of your husband’s desire to end your marriage. Continue to be good to yourself and stick with your counseling. It is not an easy journey but you can find happiness again.

    • Lois November 26, 2013 at 6:58 am #

      Wow! It just never changes. Men, selfish uncaring. Inconsiderate. What amazes me is that there is no honesty, no compassion for someone who they said I love you to. Why can’t they just say we need to work something out this is not what we signed up for. Lets get help. No they have to cheat and hurt, not put themselves in our place. Its selfish! Just know, it will happen to them. I know this is not comforting right now but believe me karma is a bitch! Do this, I am currently working on it as well, send yourself love, you will be fine with time. Its hard to imagine, believe me. But right now, it is what needs to take place. He is not worth it. Someone told me more than once,he is taking up space in your heart and soul rent free. Lets not allow it anymore. You are young, you have no time to waste! Live, find happiness.

  61. Ann November 30, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

    In my case the OW has my two daughters poisoned thinking I was horrible to my ex husband and thank God for her she saved him. I hate them both for what they have done to my marriage and to the lies and poison they tell my girls. I know it’s wrong but I wish the other woman dead every day.

    • Sandra December 5, 2013 at 3:49 am #

      Ann..I’m so sorry to hear about what the OW has been doing to your girls. It only goes to show how selfish and untrustworthy these women are. They need to tell all sorts of lies only to appear good and gain favor from other people and worst even lying to children!

      I believe in the Law of Sowing and Reaping.. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life”… (Galatians 6:7-8).

      Try and focus more on yourself and daughters…

      Things aren’t always what they seem. They may appear to be “happy” now BUT…Whatever injustice and evil these people (OW/OM/even OUR OWN SPOUSES) did to you and to ALL the betrayed Hs/Ws here… THEY will in turn REAP what they Sowed..MORE than they Sowed…LATER than they Sowed.

  62. Jorge November 30, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

    I am 40, my wife is 42. We have 5 year old twins, 10, 14 and 21. My grandaughter us 10 months old. We would if celebrated her 1st birthday and our anniversary together.

  63. Sandra November 30, 2013 at 8:00 pm #

    Thanks Doug and Lois. The hardest part would be the early dawns when you wake up that hurts the most and reality hits you like being run over by a bus…it’s during these times when you realize…he’s really gone…

    I’ve been alone all my life and I’m tired of it…but I’m still trying to enjoy my own company whether it be watching tv or listening to my music while driving…

    It’s only about over a month since DDay and it comes in like waves…one time I feel ok, the next time I just want to die and disappear.. I think I’m still in denial..there are times I feel angry but I know it’s not full blown hate but more of “angry-hurt”…

    Jorge..we are almost the same age but I’m afraid I won’t be able to relate much since we didn’t have kids and I’m sure it would have been much harder if we had..although I must say, I wish I had even one child who I can love and be my inspiration to go on and be better… But then again, God has good reasons…

    • jorge November 30, 2013 at 9:44 pm #

      all situations are different but thanks to my wife and the fact that she gas gone out of her way to continue hurting me , it is becoming easier to continue without her. now, I’m not saying that i don’t love her or that I’ve stopped crying for her but it doesn’t happen as often as before. i also keep reminding myself that the woman who was my wife and the mother of my children stopped existing 4 months ago. that person now only lives in my heart and in my memories. keep yourself busy, go out, learn to live with your singleness. i also have a great Christian counselor and i also found a divorce care, a divorce recovery group. i know you don’t have children and in a way that is a blessing. my children have to live with the fact that they don’t have a mommy and a daddy to do things with together, as a family. they will never again see all of us together opening presents for christmas, cutting a turkey, celebrating mothers day or fathers day. the smallest of things will never be the same, like jumping in between both of us after a bad dream. they will never again know what a family unit is and no matter if we remarry it will never be the same.

  64. chris December 9, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

    As an betrayed husband whose exwife now lives with (over 2 years, about 4 more during our marriage), but is not married to, her affair partner I just want to say a few things (I have 50/50 custody of our three kids, handled the divorce amicably, and take the high road at every turn):

    1) This article is not accurate in many cases. I don’t know what percent of the cases where this article is accurate, but it is far less than 100%.

    2) This article represents the ‘we need to think justice is done/kharma exists/people are held accountable for their actions’ writers and readers who need comfort.

    When the grieving read articles like this, it helps us believe things will be ok, that there is order in the world, and life is fair. Things will be okay, but it has nothing to do with what happens to the people who have wronged you. There is order in the world, but it doesn’t match the order that we crave/need/want. Life is fair, but not in the ways that we need it to be.

    My ex wife lacks the capacity to process what happened (long term affair, lying, cheating, brainwashing, gaslighting, blameshifting, etc.) because of SELF PRESERVATION. She can, and will, maintain a world where she did nothing wrong, it was all my fault, and the life she leads provides her happiness and is perfect. She can maintain that belief and, therefore, it is reality and is true. None of the authors claims have any relevance in that world. I think people underestimate the power of creating our own realities when facing the alternative requires pain/effort/work/growth as it does when facing the repercussions of an affair destroying a family. I believe a great percentage of infidelity based divorces will into the same category as my ex wife.

    And the funny thing is, except for MY inability to live in the world she has carved out for herself, our coparenting is excellent. If I could fully ‘get over it’ and fully ‘move on’ (I am doing very well but still struggle) all would, indeed, be well.

    I truly believe that articles such as this only perpetuate the false hope for accountability and closure that simply does not often exist. I see these articles as doing more damage than good, in the long run. I appreciate that it is helpful to consider that not all affairs end well, but to suggest that wrongdoing ultimately is resolved is misleading, outdated, and simply obnoxious. I am sorry if my opinion offends people or bursts anyone’s bubble.

    • Rosey December 10, 2013 at 5:22 am #

      Hi Chris,
      My situation sounds similar to yours and I agree with all your comments but one. I don’t believe that these types of forums are damaging. You correctly identified that they create hope, a false hope, but hope nonetheless. Hope and faith have helped many people survive their darkest moments, and I remain unconvinced that false hope is any less useful than realistic hope to get through a crisis.
      Two years on, and I struggle with issues of residual pain and feelings of betrayal and grief. However, I will be happy and already am the majority of time. Not because my ex will ‘get what’s coming to him’, but because I will fight for my own and my children’s happiness. I will attain sufficient closure to embrace life and live it to its fullest.

    • Angel July 22, 2014 at 5:21 am #

      I agree with you, Chris.

      Unfortunately, your words hit the reality button.

      My fiancé(of a fifteen year relationship) left me and my children without a backwards glance.

      He was our hero.

      We were wrong.

      He is a coward-and the smallest of men.

      Three weeks later my sister in law, my brother’s wife-one of my best friends, left my brother. He informed me that he thought ‘they’ were together.

      I didn’t believe him til we caught them ourselves. Once we knew-we turned our backs on them.

      My ex is with my brothers wife-raising his 2 nephews. It will be two years in September. I lost everything I had ever worked for. House, business-everything.

      He has made no contact with me or the children he raised.

      They live in a world where they think they deserve to be together and both myself and my brother were monsters if you believe the whispers.

      This helps them justify their actions, I guess.

      But, I know who I am-I know how I loved them both. I can look in the mirror without guilt every day and I wonder if they can-but I know deep down that they just don’t see what they have done to people who once loved them so deeply.

      My children, my amazing three young adults and I are doing ok now. We are still a family, without him.

      But I will never forget-

      The pain was past any word I can give it.

      I do not trust the word ‘love’. I just don’t trust at all really.

      I have not contacted him-he just wants what’s left of the measly money that remains under lockdown until a settlement of debt is reached.

      My lawyer says he and she have a God complex-they crush people and move on selfishly without a seconds thought and then want all the cash after the fallout to pay for their newly deserved life together. Shame the cash left is mostly going to being paying off debts. I am starting again at 48. I feel used. Lied to.
      He once said not long before he left that if something were to happen to me he would become a hermit.

      My ex likes other men’s’ wives, children and most of all, their money.

      My brother is doing great though-he met a kind woman who surprisingly I adore, a fine step up from this families end….it is a good love to witness-and I’m happy for him.

      I concentrate on my new job and see my children as much as I can-the only karmic fallout seems to have come my way really. It’s been a long hard road while they project a life of deserved bliss.

      Only when they meet their maker will these two see the destruction of pain they have caused.

      In between this, I simply try to get on a day at a time- they are dead to my family.

  65. Paula December 9, 2013 at 3:56 pm #

    chris, I think you make a wonderful point. I agree 100%. Karma, etc, whilst nice little pipe dreams, do not really exist. Yes, sometimes bad things happen to those who deliberately hurt others, and sometimes bad things happen to good people, sometimes good things happen to cheaters, and sometimes good things happen to good people. Life has a great deal of randomness. The person who was supposed to be one of my oldest friends, who knowingly and deliberately caused me great distress and pain, will NEVER know what that pain feels like, as she cannot feel anything deeply. The father of my children knows all to well what he did, and is very remorseful and has been incredibly supportive, but it cannot undo what he did, sadly. You just have to do as you have, and live the best life for you, and your children. What happens/doesn’t happen to the cheaters is irrelevant – no matter how much we will bad stuff to happen to them, lol. I really like your point.

  66. Jim December 9, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

    Chris is so spot on. We were married 26 years, I discovered she was having an affair that had been going on for 5 years. I had my suspicions ,but her response was he was just a good friend, I nailed her with a DNA test and she finally came clean. Two families were destroyed, he had been married for 40 years to his high school sweetheart. She has never shown any remorse and lives a fantastic life, I on the other hand have just declared bankruptcy and am fighting for everything I have, not a good place to be at 65 years old. Wishing her ill will does no one any good, it is what it is, sometimes you just have to accept the fact you got wronged, and no one really gives a Damn.

    • blueskyabove December 9, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

      Do you “give a Damn”, Jim? If so, find some way to turn it around. Do this for you.

      • Jim December 9, 2013 at 11:12 pm #

        Not really anymore.

  67. blueskyabove December 10, 2013 at 12:08 am #

    Jim,

    Even though it has been a long time for me since D-Day, and I and my H have fully recovered, I still, STILL feel your pain. Is there ANY possibility of reconciliation, or has your wife totally and irrevocally left the marriage? Have either of you initiated divorce proceedings? I only ask because I am trying to judge your situation. Regardless of what it may look like there are lots of good things that could still happen in your life…either with or without her in it. I know this can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but I would like for you to just consider the possibility that this could happen…nothing more…just consider it.

    • Jim December 10, 2013 at 8:13 am #

      We have been divorced for 2 years. We have spoken once in that time, I have resolved the fact it is over, just so difficult to believe she would do that to me. Very sad that our family unit is no more and never will be again. The betrayal is shattering.

  68. Gizfield December 10, 2013 at 9:36 am #

    Jim, all I csn say is that some people are not what they **present** themselves to be, no matter how long youve known them. The true person eventually comes out. And no, people like your ex rarely give a damn about the damage they cause. It’s all about them !!

  69. Rachel December 10, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

    Boy giz, that is so true. Some people are not what they present . I think that has to be the most painful to swallow. An empty promise.
    Jim, I understand how you feel about the family unit. It hurts so much.
    Who have these people become? The betrayal makes my heart ache.
    But, I am not benifitting myself wallowing in this pain.
    Sometimes when my ex husband enters my mind I have to force him to leave it just as he left me. Keeping busy helps.

  70. Sandra December 11, 2013 at 1:50 am #

    I found a lot of the talk about ‘moving on’ very unhelpful as it was always tinged with the suggestion that I wasn’t trying hard enough, which just added to the guilt that I felt that somehow the breakdown of my marriage was all my fault..and now I was failing at getting over it! You don’t just “move on” – your spouse and your marriage was part of your life – and I am sure for a long time a very positive part of your life..

    A friend once told me that TIME really is the biggest healer – it takes as long as it takes and there’s no “right” amount of time to spend grieving, but slowly you start to find yourself less hurt and angry about what happened.

    I believe we all need to give ourselves time and space to find a new way of living that no longer include our spouses in the way it did before.. We need to be kind to ourselves..

    I would agree with the advice to find someone to talk to – whether from any local church, friends or professional help – and do as much as you can to draw yourself out of your isolation so that you can stop agonising over your spouse and the OW/OM. Slowly, over time – and it will take time – by God’s Grace, the world will not look so bleak…

    I do terribly miss my husband but I also want to believe that YOU don’t need another person to justify YOUR existence.

    You are a fantastic person in your own right!!

  71. Judy February 1, 2014 at 12:53 pm #

    First, I am a Christian. I have been through the trenches and valley’s. I am slowly after five years climbing back out. There are reasons…..
    I was married for 22 years, the last six months my ex-H, met the OW at work. Everybody in his unit, USAF/AGR, was doing it, like a big orgie! We would hear the stories and be disgusted, obviously not.
    The last three months was abusive for me. He got a new Blackberry from work, have my 20 year old daughter his new one. He forgot to erase it all! Their were emails, and pics! My poor little girl had to see it all! He then told me, “I want a divorce.” I would punt to nothing, and I was worthless!” This was before I knew about the blackberry.
    My daughter, God Bless her, took matters into her own hands and had our Pastor, Associate Pastor, friends, etc, intervene. NOTHING! Stone Cold! Denied the Affair, because he could of gotten Article 15 in the Military. Go backwards…. This OW, as we call her, befriended my daughter and I. She invited our family to her husband and her house. They were married by the JP, now having a big wedding down in LA. My daughter had recently become engaged, so this OW, offered my daughter her dress, utensils, etc.. My daughter was so excited! FAST FOWARD… CRUSHED, BETRAYED.. You name it….
    I went through hell but with Christ I became STRONGER! I was harassed daily by them both. Fast Forward… My daughter flew to CA married her Marine, he deployed. FAST Forward… He came back, we had the big wedding, her father was not present. She became pregnant, first grandchild, life was AMAZING, God is GOOD! SIL becomes Deputy in our County, I still being harassed, even though ex by now and OW have moved away. The unit they were in wanted them gone! Ex was caught stealing from Non Commisioned officer. My ex is an Officer, so is OW.
    Anyways, daughter announces second Pregnancy, life is great, active again in church, going to counseling, working like crazy. And then, my AMAZING GOD LOVING SIL was murdered! My heart breaks everyday! My daughter went into labor that night and naturally, she wanted her, “Daddy!” I called, he came, and had the wedding band on. A flood of emotions were hitting me….
    I prayed and asked The Lord for, “Grace.” I had asked the doctors to allow him to be in the delivery room with us, he was… “GRACE!” FORGIVE Him. It’s not about me Lord, it’s about YOU!
    He was able to witness the birth of our second grandchild. God is good!
    And then.. The games began again…. The OW was harassing my daughter and he was allowing it. Ow wanted to be at the funeral, at the burial, at the trial, etc… It went on…
    He backed her up, while my grieving lil girl was a mess! I would receive calls again. Finally, last year I changed my number.
    Finally, this year I am able to work on me… I am going to Divorcecare, after attending Griefshare 3 x’s. I am also seeing a counselor, 5 th one. I want to heal. I do want to completely Forgive, and for my grandchildren to know their grandfather, i am so afraid of the harassment and abuse! My daughter and I are very close, as well as my grandchildren. I see the pain in her eye’s. and yes, she is a STRONG BELIEVER as well, and goes to counseling herself.

  72. Judy February 1, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

    I wanted to add that my ex fooled so many in the church, at work. When it came time to re-appear at the funeral he asked for forgiveness from many. It did not last long. What I will say, “The Lord is the only one that KNOWS someone’s heart.” Who am I to judge, I can’t, I am a sinner just like him, SAVED by GRACE! I would be dead today if it were not for my Faith in Jesus! There is HOPE Y’all!

  73. Rita February 18, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

    I am a betrayed wife and soon to be divorced, I can barely put in words how it made me feel to learn afterwards that my children have to be around the person who helped destroy the relationship that I so honored I took marriage seriously I did not plan on seeing my husband with another woman, he could not give any explanation as to why he destroyed our happy family except (I wanted to have my cake and eat it too) which was pathetic to me I refused and still to this day 6 years of separation have had a conversation with him I have nothing to say to him at all oh he has tried numerous times to buddy up to me but I do not need him as a friend or do I want to be friendly with him. My children are old enough thank God to speak and spend time with him the oldest ages 22 and 24 barely have any contact with him because they cannot stand the site of the OW my 14 year old still spend weekends with him and does not seem to crave his attention and often says he feels sorry for his father, I do not speak bad of him I just feel there is no need to communicate with him the pain he caused me and the children was enough and I don’t ever want to give him the opportunity to disregard my love or feeling again to be cordial to him would be like giving someone a loaded gun to shot me after they have already shot me already. I wish for him to just avoid me altogether that would make my life even more wonderful. As for her she does not matter she is a catfish, a bottom feeder the dirt I walk on.

  74. Bentouttashape June 10, 2014 at 11:35 am #

    My wife at the time did the whole thing. Started working out, keeping cellphone away, answering calls in the bathroom. She was definitely seeing someone, but I do not know if she slept with them. When confronted she parlayed into a “I don’t love you anymore” stance, and we divorced. We have a 12 year old daughter. The exwife shortly moved her affair partner into the marital home, and married him within 2 years of the divorce.
    I also have 50/50, and since the other man doesn’t work, he gets to spend the summer days with my daughter, taking her to the pool and doing fun things. This, while I sit at work and cope with being a part time dad, part time influence, and scrounging for quality time.
    The ex justified herself, and relies fully on the attitude that she fell out of love with me.
    This concept of “figuring out what you did to help destroy your marriage” is garbage. I was not abusive, not a cheater, held a steady job, was a loving, affectionate husband and Dad, that helped around the house a lot more than most of the husbands of friends she has… but none of that mattered.
    2 years and a few months later, and I still am realizing and discovering new ways in which this whole divorce has negatively affected me. Just as soon as you think you have reached a point of forgiveness, or at least, the pain has subsided and you are dealing with it okay, something new reveals itself, as an consequence of their cheating and destroying your marriage.. and you are merely left to cope with the fallout.
    Now I get to share my daughter with the man that helped destroy my marriage. He doesn’t work, so he gets to spend summer days with her. Nothing in my life prepared me for such injustice and sense of loss. To attempt to live, and have a relationship with your kid where these feelings are not affecting that relationship is very difficult. So far, my ex is having a grand life, new car, pays her new husband’s way for everything, and all I can do is just accept my drastically reduced time with my daughter involved in her life.
    I do not still “love” my ex wife. After awhile you learn to carve that consideration out of your mind, but be wary of resentment taking its place. I haven’t been able to prevent that, and I hate that. More powerlessness. More consequences to cope with. The “Divorce” is far from the end of things…

  75. Gizfield June 26, 2014 at 9:17 am #

    Sarah, I haven’t seen Anita on here in a very long time.probably a couple of years. She was very convinced that her opinions were the right ones, and she repeated them often. I do think her intentions were good and thats all I gonna say.

  76. gizfield July 22, 2014 at 3:41 pm #

    Angel, that is a terrible story. Sorry you went through that. Definitely not normal behavior. Sounds like you are dealing with a couple of psychopaths. Sociopaths, at the least. They are probably “soulmates” but not in a good way. Soulless mates…

  77. gizfield July 22, 2014 at 3:52 pm #

    There is an excellent ebook I’m going to reccomend called Psychopath Free by Peace. $2.99 for Kindle. Explains how these horrible creatures operate. There is also a website of the same name with a lot of the info.

  78. Gizfield July 22, 2014 at 9:43 pm #

    There is one caution to reading about psychopaths/sociopaths. You will suddenly begin to realize that everyone you know, yourself included, lol, might be a psychopath or sociopath. Almost every cheater seems to act like one. And most betrayed spouses seem to as well, at least sometimes. Now, it may be true about a lot of cheaters, from what I’ve seen on here but most betrayed spouses are just showing a natural reaction to an unnatural situation. They say in mental illnesses or personality disorders, if you think you have it, you probably don’t.

  79. Jackie July 27, 2014 at 12:19 am #

    We had a good relationship (our 2nd marriage, both treated badly be exes who lied and cheated). We had a child each and had our own. happy for 18 years then a sudden change. Emotionally withdrawn, cold one minute then normal the next. Child still at home noticed the change in his behavior towards everyone. He wouldn’t talk to me but when he had to he kept blaming me for ridiculous things like using the tumble dryer too often. Then he started trying to manipulate my daughters (didn’t work!). I got angry and went through his things and found a pathetic 6 page (Mills and Boon style) love letter written by a married woman while on holiday with her husband! It was very explicit and the woman came across as unstable. I told him to leave. His behavior got worse. The OW’s husband told me that stuff she had written to my ex in that letter wasn’t true. All his family dropped us immediately. ….either out of convenience to accept the ow or I wonder what lies he has told them?

    They met and conducted their affair while volunteering for a charity.

    I have moved on and made a life for myself, my 2 daughters have no contact but my stepson meets up with his dad and has been gradually more distant towards us.

    My girls have had health problems which can be hard to deal with on my own but I do my best.

    However we discovered in May that ex and ow married a year ago and that stepson went to the wedding and kept it a secret from the girls.

    I no longer care about ex and ow, they deserve each other but I feel betrayed again by stepson going to the wedding and being deceitful about it. I feel that he has made a public show of acceptance of how we have been treated. I have asked him to come and have a chat with me and he agreed but he hasn’t done so.

    It’s almost like a kind of ptsd because all the hurt resurfaces!

    It has caused problems between stepson and his sisters too. I never imagined the repurcussions between the kids.

    When does all this end?

    Jackie

  80. Stella September 4, 2014 at 5:52 pm #

    Its been 8 years and a half years since I discovered my husbands affair after we had been together for 23 years. He has never admitted how long this was going on. He lied upon lie about it. He is married to the home-wrecker and I’ve heard that her eldest daughter despises her (join the club!) my daughter will be getting married in a month’s time and the home wrecker was not invited to attend, he was outraged and feels that my daughter how no right to deny the bitch an invite! Really? How would anyone with any sense of shame even want to be involved in a FAMILY wedding? A family that she tried to destroy by throwing herself at a man who was already married? You are a whore. The worst lie my then husband told me was that his whore and her husband were the best of friends “for the children” this was a lie her husband was distraught as was I. I just don’t understand how anyone can be In a family with daughters who look up to him, and just betray that trust so utterly. I’m recovering, finally but am unable to trust and live alone. I wish them both a hell on Earth, with guilt ever after. they deserve nothing else.

  81. Gizfield September 5, 2014 at 8:16 am #

    I wish more cheaters were exposed, just for the simple reason that people could see how they really are. I think a lot of adultery is covered up, and the new adulterous couple forms shortly thereafter, with no real consequences. For example, my own brother left his marriage in September and was engaged no later than October. No hanky panky, there, right? But don’t say anything, cause he will get mad. And hit you with his Bible…

    Anyway, my point is that new cheater spouses totally EXPECT to be treated like they are blameless and did nothing wrong. The only active cheater couple I know right now is getting married tomorrow. The guy is one of my friend’s son that I have known since he was about fifteen. I went to his first wedding nine years ago. He cheated three years ago and he and the cocheater have a two year old son now. My friends son doesn’t act too proud, but the bridezilla just prances around like she won the Nobel Prize. No remorse, shame, nothing. Luckily, I have other plans tomorrow. I’m not usually “ugly” but I hope the karma bus makes a stop and they resume their cheating ways after “the mistress becomes the wife”.

    • forcryin'outloud September 5, 2014 at 12:27 pm #

      A very close friend’s ex married his AP. On social media she (AP) always looks like sunshine’s coming out her butt. He on the other hand always looks exhausted and old. Most of the pics are of her beaming at him like he’s a god of some sort and him staring at the camera like his stoned.
      This is his 5th affair – 2 on his first wife, one on an AP and then two on my friend, the last AP is now his wife. Although he’s probably cheated on her too. I’m sure she thinks she is “the one” who can meet all his needs, broken parts, blah, blah, blah.

  82. Gizfield September 6, 2014 at 8:50 am #

    Yeah, tell me the OW aren’t delusional fruitloops. Lol, they know the guy is a liar and a cheater, and ALWAYS has been with them, and they still believe the BS. I just wonder how on earth my h could have convinced himself he could ever have a normal relationship with a whore?? That’s the karma, in my book.

    • Strengthrequired September 7, 2014 at 6:05 pm #

      Giz, I think we are all trying to figure that one out. I look at my h at times and can’t help and think ” wtf were you thinking? “. They must like the crazy train.

      Fcol, giz, it’s funny how the ow can prance around like they won the jackpot, yet do you notice the bs who get to keep their marriage? We maybe happy, maybe more relieved we saved our families, but you won’t catch us prancing around like we won jackpot. I don’t even think we get a chance to celebrate.. We are all just too exhausted emotionally and physically, and still confused on wtf just happened.

  83. Otherwomanaswell October 21, 2014 at 2:13 pm #

    OK…here goes…and I expect the bashing to occur. I am the OW who married the cheating spouse. It has been 7 years a baby later. I started googling forgiveness for being the other woman. This woman who wrote this article is pretty accurate with a lot of what she says and I , unfortunately, did not have the opportunity to read it before I chose this path. I always had a little crush on the CS. I admit to being a whore and a slut and all of the other names his and her family has called me. He left her and their children to be with me. I know you all may not believe me and that’s ok but here is the truth….just like the author said and just like some of you said, the people who have true remorse NEVER EVER forgive themselves and cry more and more as the years go on. I cried for the betrayed wife because she didn’t EVER IN A MILLION YEARS deserve for me and this man to rip their family apart. I cried for the children because they showed me so much love and I pushed them away due to my resentment. Although they still say they “love” me, I don’t truly feel it. They are quite amazing little ones. Very polite and respectful towards me. We fortunately waited a year after the separation for them to meet me. The oldest child found out after meeting me about the affair. Her mother told her that she forgave dad and so therefore the daughter agreed to forgive dad as well and still love me. It took a lot of therapy for me to even be amongst children. I never let them see it, but I am sure they had felt it. The ex wife never let us see her sweat. My husband always acted out to her and she just went on her merry way. I got angry….with myself! I couldn’t BELIEVE this woman was cheated on! she seemed amazing to me. He just wasn’t in love. But he never gave her the chance to know this and never gave her a chance to save her marriage or both bow out gracefully. HE cheated HER out of 15 years of what could of been the best years of her life with someone else!!! For all of this I get more guilt and more anger. I ask to see the kids more then he does. I talk to the ex and we decide everything together when it comes to the kids. I apologized to her and she graciously responded “No need to. It was a HUGE weight lifted off of my shoulders and I am happier now.” Wow…SO I see where this author’s words are coming from. I get it. My self worth has depreciated. I cry most nights…I even asked him to go back to her twice, although I am in love with him. We sat here and cried together one night because I can’t keep living my life like this. I can’t feel guilt everyday. YES we are in love and no, he would never cheat on me and believe me, I know this. He said he married her because she was a good girl and he was ready to settle down and have children. Great reason to marry someone. I remember sitting at a recital for one of the kids and looking over at the ex and all of this anger building up in me as I looked over at him and thinking “wow, you are a scumbag for leaving her and your family”. UGH! I struggle EVERY day. Although I love him to death , I want to love ME more. Let the insults begin….

  84. Strengthrequired October 21, 2014 at 4:37 pm #

    Otherwomanaswell, I won’t insult you, I think you are making yourself suffer. If you feel all this guilt, if you feel this bad, why do you stay? I know you love him, but you don’t seem to want to be happy in your marriage, because of the way it started.
    Sorry but I am just curious as to why you would stay when clearly you hold so much regret, and are feeling so terrible about yourself.

    • Otherwomanaswell October 21, 2014 at 4:46 pm #

      I’m still in love and we have a child and I guess I just couldn’t imagine my life without him. He feels the same. It’s crazy how long it has been but yet I continue to punish myself. I have repented, begged God for forgiveness with tears in my eyes….admitted to the oldest child that it was VERY wrong what we did and NO one deserves that. I have done everything I can possibly do to get it all out there. I had a friend tell me that forgiveness IS freedom. I need to come to terms with how to get that forgiveness. Church, prayer groups, more therapy? I have already apologized and still I hold on. I don’t understand how anyone can parade around and act like they have won a “prize” when they are the OW/OM.

      • Otherwomanaswell October 21, 2014 at 4:51 pm #

        And of course, I am not looking for sympathy. I made my bed so I therefore lay in it. I guess I just kinda understand where the author is coming from. Not on all accounts but that we as the OM/OW with regret will feel it and will continue to feel it.

        • Otherwomanaswell October 21, 2014 at 4:58 pm #

          And I should point out that it’s mostly on the weekends and nights we have them. When we don’t have the kids in our home I am not hit with the reality and the truth. It’s like it goes to a place that I don’t want to visit but as soon as the ex wife pulls up and they pile out my anxiety kicks, I get nervous, I sweat…I just feel like he should be back with them full time, whether the ex and him worked things out or not. I really have no idea why. Maybe It’s due to me having a hard time with multiple kids around since I was never a kid person and therefore I feel bad. Or when they get sad and cry that they miss mom and want to go home…I feel bad for them and for their dad who they love for sure but prefer to be with their mom.

          • Strengthrequired October 21, 2014 at 7:36 pm #

            Do you think maybe since you have a child now with him, that you couldn’t imagine your family being ripped apart by someone who at the time didn’t care about you or your child/children but themselves. I know my h ow didn’t care whether my children lost their dad or not full time, she was looking out for herself and that of being able to give her children that stable life of having a man look after them. She divorced her husband and decided it was so hard to be on her own and keep up the life style she was accustomed to, so she felt it was a good idea to go after my husband, who btw was in a midlife depression, she came into my home, wanted to get to know my children, who one at the time was only a year old, still a baby, and within a few weeks managed to work her way into my husbands head. You know, ohh poor me, how am I going to support my children, where am I going to live, blah blah blah, knowing my husband would feel sorry for her. Eventually she worked on trying to get my husband to believe I was no good, didn’t care or love him, and that she is so much better in every way. He became sucked in. It took a year for him to truly wake up and break it off with her. Our children suffered and I suffered, and she did not care. She actually went to the extent of telling my husband so she could hold onto him, that she would raise my children with him, if the bad wife didnt want them.
            i am not saying that you are not a bad person, you found your conscience, but my h ow has no conscience, she just wanted someone to pay for her and her children so she didn’t have to. This person I have dealt with is not the same type of person you sound to be. She really didn’t care about who was hurt in her crusade to break my marriage and family.
            I just truly hope that you don’t face some ow one day that decides to set her sights on your husband, because let’s face it, marriages take work, and after a long time things become comfortable, life gets in the way, depression can hit anyone, due to work, midlife, debt, whatever it is, and it affects people differently, yet it is then that you need to keep your eyes open. People become more vulnerable to others attention. I believed my husband would never do to me, what he did, yet as I said midlife and depression happened, and that became her way in.
            So please don’t think it won’t happen, because you just never know. Keep your eyes open. Don’t forget we all get older…

            • Strengthrequired October 21, 2014 at 7:38 pm #

              What I should say, is she was separated from her husband, she hadn’t divorced but was going through the process once she figured she had my husband.

              • Otherwomanaswell October 21, 2014 at 11:23 pm #

                You to me are an amazing strong person. I like to think the same of myself. I don’t NEED him in retrospect. I make all the money and he pays out his ass to his ex for their kids, as he should. I even send her extra checks monthly since I am the one who handles the money and sick of their back and forth fighting over money. I actually feel stronger when he works late or falls asleep early. I feel more in control of my world, if that makes sense. I don’t get it and don’t understand it because I love him so much. It’s late and I am tired but want to finish this chat with you tomorrow. THANK YOU for being open minded. I need that right now….

                • Strengthrequired October 21, 2014 at 11:47 pm #

                  Otherwomanaswell, I have a feeling that, although you love him, your feelings of guilt has affected you more than you realise. People may say to you that you deserve it, it’s about time, so you should feel this, etc. the truth is, if you were not human who had a heart you would not feel these things. Yes you did cheat with this man on his wife, that my dear, was wrong, and I think maybe you felt it was wrong at the time, but you wanted to bury those feelings deep within yourself, because you did fall inlove with your now husband. I think that may be why after so many years, you have in ways become to know the exw and the children and you see the exw was painted differently to what she really is.
                  I have to say, his exw is a pretty incredible person to have been able to do the communicating with you, I never wanted my children to end up having to have a life with my h ow. It was killing me within just knowing that there was a possibility that it could have turned that way.
                  That is where my strength came into it, I worked hard on keeping my family together, even through all the ow tricks she had up her sleeve every two weeks or so. I mean there was always something she tried to do, to keep my h and I apart.
                  If she did end up with my h, I doubt I would have been so forgiving. You are lucky, which is why you feel worse about this now.
                  I can see just how much, how you and your h came to be, really is affecting you. Have a good night sleep, chat tomorrow.

                  • Strengthrequired October 21, 2014 at 11:57 pm #

                    Your welcome too, I do think you need to start forgiving yourself now. By what you said, the exw has moved on, and is probably quite happy with her new life, and is maybe holding no more bad feelings towards you,
                    Has the exw remarried?

                • sammy October 22, 2014 at 12:42 am #

                  It seems you know in your heart you shouldn’t be with this man. You love him but that love could be an addiction to him rather than a deep love which should be based on respect. It’s pretty clear that you love the way he treats you (his sacrificing to be with you), but you don’t respect him as a person with character. I took up meditation, initially to free myself of resentment, but it also gave me such clarity in my life. I “loved” my husband, but I really didn’t respect him, not just because he abandoned me and the kids, but of what I observed through the years. He was a fraud in many respects. Yet I had such difficulty separating from him because I loved him…I thought. When I got clarity, I saw that I was addicted to an illusion in some sense…the hope that he was not who he actually is. Your husband can’t go back to his ex-wife because she is not interested in that and has made a new life. She has moved on and you shouldn’t base your life path based on her anymore, but on what feels authentic to you. On the one hand, you have a child with this man so it makes sense to stay together. Yet, if you feel self-loathing for what happened in the past and relive it every time you see his and his ex’s children, it’s because you also feel loathing for his character…and you have to face this every day. I think you are a woman of conscience, and obviously capable to care for yourself (and actually feel better on your own), so you need to get clarity either with a therapist or listening to your own voice through meditation, journaling, etc. I was amazed at the absolute clarity I got in KNOWING I was better off without my spouse, even though I felt the life was being sucked out of me during the separation process. He is with his OW and I don’t know how it’s going with them. But he didn’t get a character transplant so she must know what she’s dealing with. It really is about cleaning up your life and feeling you are leading a “real” and authentic life. In spite of have financial problems now and my kids having been somewhat messed up, I feel like I am much better off…it’s an honest life…no covering up to present a pretty picture or pretending to the kids that their dad really does care…it just IS what it IS…no editorializing. It is a freeing.

                • Strengthrequired October 22, 2014 at 4:45 am #

                  Ohh, and other womenswear, Thankyou for thinking of me as amazing, honestly I’m not, I just simply knew my h, and knew this man that was placed in front of me, a mere shadow of himself was not a well man. Living with him for such a long time, knowing deep down who he is, had me fight for my family, knowing my children would never be the same if I didn’t give it all I had to protect them and keep their family together, and for them not having to have the ow in our life apart of theirs was a huge driving factor, for me. My children needed me to fight for them, my h strangely enough needed me to fight for him too, because of the state of mind he was in, he was unable to do that himself at the time, he was not a strong man like I had always known him to be, and was quite a sad sorry sight to see him so weak. Looking back on it, it was quiet a shock on him, as well as me, that he went so down hill in such a short space of time.
                  So for me, I just did what I had to, I wasn’t anything special, it was my duty to my family, and let me tell you, there were times where it was a very hard road to travel.

                • CovenantWife December 12, 2016 at 11:15 am #

                  Hello Otherwomanaswell,

                  I don’t know if you’re a believer but I do know why you are so guilt laden and that is because you are still committing adultery , it may be state sanctioned. But it’s adultery none the less.The bible says whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery and your ‘marriage’ is a farce. I think you sound like a very broken person who wants to do good, there is only one way to do that and that is to leave your marriage. You broke up the covenant marriage he had with his one flesh wife. Repent.
                  I am praying for you

          • A Stander December 23, 2014 at 5:56 pm #

            You’re likely not going to want to hear this–but you need to end this “marriage.” Marrying someone who’s divorced (and has a living spouse) is adultery.

            Perhaps that’s why you don’t seem to be at peace.

            What you need to do is end the relationship and tell him to go back to his covenant wife. As far as any children you have with him–if you’re familiar with the story of Abraham, consider his children with the covenant wife to be like Isaac, and any he had with you to be like Ishmael. And of course he’ll still have to support any children. It’s the same as if you had a child together without being “married.”

            My own husband is in a noncovenant marriage with the affair partner. God still considers me and my husband to be husband and wife. John the Baptist was beheaded because he dared tell Herod that it was unlawful for him to have married his brother Philip’s wife–and note that the Bible still refers to Herodias as PHILIP’S wife, even though Herod married her.

            I firmly believe that God will revive our marriage. The OW’s days with him are numbered. But I do not stalk, pursue, harass, or anything…I always try to take the high road. I will let God deal with them and count on Him to protect our child.

  85. Scott November 16, 2014 at 3:31 pm #

    This just happened to me a few weeks ago. My wife went on a lot of business trips – but over the last few months, started an affair – and gave the (loser) money and much else. The affair didn’t go on very long as they were caught right away by his wife.

    The other man has grown children, and my wife and I have two children (4 and 7).
    We are also very well off financially, but he’s poor and in debt. I make 100k, but my wife makes almost double – we have several houses.

    After I found out about the affair, I told everyone and showed them documents of the chats they had and other things as well. So, everyone knows – and my wife is all about appearances, so everyone is stunned and shocked. I told everyone because I am sort of a loner type – and I know I cannot bear such burdens alone. I cannot suffer in silence or I will go to dark places. So, I just got it all out there – this is where we are, and this is what’s coming – I’m admitting it. I don’t care if you view me as a loser.

    I filed for divorce immediately. I know that the other person isn’t going to life up to my wife’s expectations – he can’t possibly, esp since he has 3 grown children and has been married 3 times himself and makes less than I do! My wife hassles me about not making enough at 100k a year. I can’t live up to her expectations, and I’m a catch. No one can.

    My wife has a serious case of ‘the grass is greener’ and she knows it. She has promised to dump the guy, and I know she will do her best, but there must be consequences, and I don’t care if we lose everything in the process, because money is not important to me. It’s important to her, but not to me. I will spend it all and just live with my aging parents.

    My wife made a mistake. Her family has told her to knock off the nonsense and be with her family, and she is trying to do that. But I have already filed. She will be served.
    I want her to go with the other man. That would be fine. Leave us, and go. I told her I’d buy her a ticket and help her pack. She fumes when I say this.

    You see, I have confidence that everything they feel is a fantasy. I’ve seen all of this before – when I was in my 20s, I ruined 3 or 4 marriages as a single guy because I was lost and selfish. But I never stuck around! When I had a family, I stopped that and focused on my kids. I know all the damage that results. I know the affair partner relationship won’t work – if the guy was a CEO and very wealthy, it might – my wife loves wealth. But since he has nothing and my wife will lose much of what she accumulated for our family when we divorce, I know there’s going to be a serious reality coming. She will be fuming at what she’s losing and demanding he get out there and help her earn it back.
    My wife is the type to work 18 or 20 hours straight – and she demands the same from her partner. I couldn’t keep up much of the time and was called a loser
    Well, someone else can jump on that train. I’m glad to be off of it. Seriously.

    We will split the properties. My wife will end up paying me alimony and child support. I’ll start a new life.

    Yes, our marriage was a hassle. My wife herself is a hassle – very busy, very career oriented, and always busy doing stuff. She doesn’t clean house or anything. No man will really want that for very long. Even when we were happy early on, my wife always put work and success first. She can’t stand the idea of giving up our houses in a divorce. But she will.

    In the end, this is fine. I’m in my mid 40s. I’ll have several hundred thousand in assets. I will have freedom – we’ll split the kids. I can do what I want when I don’t have them. I don’t have to deal with all of her nonsense. And I think she’ll be happy too – she won’t have me ruining all of her fun anymore.
    I’ll keep it all posted

    • sammy November 17, 2014 at 10:22 am #

      My ex also went on a lot of business trips and led an outrageous double/triple life for years unbeknownst to me….R