When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife

When affair partners get married does it really turn out to be as wonderful as they thought it was going to be?  Read more for the perspective of a woman who married her affair partner.

As I mentioned in a post earlier this summer, I not too long ago discovered that a friend of ours – who just recently divorced – suddenly ran off and married his affair partner.

This discovery motivated me to search for some stories of when the other woman becomes the wife.  I found the following on Dr. Willard Harley’s Marriage Builders website.  If you’re not familiar with Dr. Harley, he is the author of several books such as Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.

I feel that this woman’s account of her situation is very powerful and should be read by anyone involved in an affair – especially if they think that a future life with their affair partner will be nothing but a blissful bowl of cherries.

Of course there are exceptions and a happy marriage to the affair partner is possible, but I think that many of the issues that the author shares will arise in their “new” relationship at some point.  They will no doubt put a lot of stress on the relationship.

When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife

When an Other Woman Becomes the Wife

Chances are that things will get stressful when the other woman becomes the wife.

“My perspective is from that of the other woman (OW) who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW [betrayed wife]. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the bitch for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the bitch that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are, you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you…you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’T HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise that you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that is.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!…”

 

We’d love to hear your comments and/or related experiences about this author’s words of warning  in the comment section below.

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151 Responses to When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife

  1. chiffchaff September 6, 2012 at 9:11 am #

    Crikey, that’s a fairly damning piece. Not convinced that an OW/OM in the throes of an affair will give two figs about the consequences and what the likely relationship will be like. In the same way that CSs don’t give two figs about the likely consequences.
    I think that the more important points are that a CS leaving for the AP has really taken the easy way out of their personal issues and not addressed them, which is why I presume there’s a belief that CSs will do it again to the AP at some point down the line. That’s a more important consideration for the AP, to stop thinking about how it feels now and start asking ‘why is this person not finishing their marriage first before starting a relationship with me?’ – but that would mean valuing themselves, which I don’t think APs do really. Choosing to be a secret third party simply shows a complete lack of self-esteem (something that took me a long time to realise). BSs may incur a devastating blow to their self-esteem on discovery but at least they weren’t as low as to choose that path in the first place.

    • ocanas September 7, 2012 at 9:38 am #

      ChiiChaff, I Completely agree on the ” Choosing to be a secret third party simply shows a complete lack of self-esteem ….” it was SO true in my wife’s affair!

  2. Dave September 6, 2012 at 10:30 am #

    My wife’s OM says that he thought everything would peaches and gravy once they married. Our kid would be fine and I would move on peacefully and we’d all be friends again. My wife says she tried to envision a life with him, and did for a while, but the idea of our son going through a messy divorce and life with a step-day is one of the things that brought her back to reality – a little.

    Of course, the damage was nearly the same anyway when I caught her as “his” house and sadly had my 7 year old son in the car. It wasn’t pretty. (She denied she was having an affair, which was a huge lie.)

    The trauma was devastating for all of us, but probably most for our son because he was the least able to deal with it. That is when he pulled away from her. They weren’t close again and it affected their relationship for the last 14 years – until this year when she confessed. The fallout from that confession again affected my now 21 year old son, as well as my younger son, who is 11 and wasn’t even alive when all that went down. Nevertheless, her selfish and destructive behavior has affected our entire family and both of our sons are soon to go into therapy.

    As for the OM, my former best friend, he’s now married with young children. When I contacted him to confront him, I shared the fact of what their actions have done to me and my children. He claims he threw up. I can only hope that his conscience, remorse, and regret were really that strong, but too bad they weren’t then when it counted.

  3. Carol September 6, 2012 at 10:58 am #

    Wow, just wow. Hindsight is 20/20. I’m actually grateful to the author of this piece, whoever and wherever she is. It may not affect those OMs/OWs who are deep in the fog, deep enough to truly believe that their love is ‘special’ or the CS they’re with is ‘different.’ But if it stops even one OM/OW in his/her tracks, it will be worth it.

    As a child, I lived through my parents’ divorce, a divorce that resulted from my father’s cheating with and then marrying an OW, and I can vouch for kids’ lingering resentment of and anger towards the OW. There was nothing she could do to ever make me soften towards her. Nothing. I absolutely hated her deep down. And she and my father fought endlessly over us, his biological children. I saw first-hand what a marriage built on cheating looks like, and from my perspective as a kid watching it from the inside, I can say this author is spot-on. My father’s second marriage was an absolute and total disaster; it quite literally destroyed him. And she too was broken at the end. My mother, meanwhile, went on to remarry a good guy with whom she just celebrated 30 years of wedlock. I think more stories like this author’s need to get out there; maybe more people would wake up to the reality of what they’re about to do and would NOT pull that trigger!

    Dave, I hope your kids do get good therapy. My heart goes out to them.

    • ex's daughter January 27, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

      My father left for the other woman as well, and I can not begin to describe the emotional roller coaster I was thrown into. With that being said, most of the mistresses in these cases do not give a rats ass about the kids. My father’s ‘new wife” loved to hurt my sister and I. She forbid my father to see us, or even have pictures of us for that matter. He ditched us. They had the son he always wanted, and we went ten years without speaking. My father became ill, and had his leg amputated. Ofcourse this was more than she could handle, and she took his money and left him and my brother for some guy. I really felt for my little brother and reconnected with my father, mainly to get to know my little bro. My stepmother came back after the guy she left with went back to his wife and left her high and dry. My father took her back, and we haven’t spoken in 5 months. It’s fine with me. We live in the same neighborhood and my brother comes over from time to time. My point is this, don’t assume the person you are cheating with cares about your kids, most cases they do not. That’s why if you want to opt out of your marriage, try to as gracefully as you can, especially if you have kids. You are responsible for their well being. You are their parent, not the person you are cheating with. Most women who go after married men feel like it’s a triumph over the ex wife and her kids. At least in my case, and many others. Thank God she didn’t want us around, can you imagine how she would’ve treated us? I shutter to think. But out of all this, I can say, I love my brother, he’s awesome. :)

      • LILA July 14, 2014 at 5:51 pm #

        I’m sorry for your loss but you ought to know that not all of us, the so-called “other woman” are the mean stepmother you describe. I am a good woman and I met a guy some years ago, he was apparently trapped in a horrible marriage and had a daughter, I got to know her and I adored her. The wife, as a matter of fact was a horrible person, (not because I thought so, nobody liked her in her circles). We got to marry and she spoke the worst things about me to the girl, while I tried to get to know her better. We had a little boy and I always encouraged Nina (the daughter) to come and see us. The ex wife never really wanted to, but in the end, she realized (Nina) I was a good person and that somehow I just saved her father from a failed marriage. Bottom line is not everybody is as the description. Not all of us are looking to destroy anyone. Sometimes life doesn’t give you things the way you would like to. I never planned to “steal” anybody, we just fell in love. I’ve seen many other stories like mine, many men and women that have been trapped in a bad marriage and have been able to find true love in somebody else. Some of them, even ex-es and children have managed to get along very well. The way the person that allegedly writes the “experience” in the article seems to have had a bad one, it doesn’t necessarily happen to everyone. Definitely, not all of us fit the “b****” profile as they say. Some of us even end up being more loved than the ex, cause we are all human beings and yes, sh*** happens but sometimes it is worse to stay and sacrifice your life with someone you just don’t love. Kids can also tell (at least smart ones) when this happens. I’ve heard many kids saying, they are happy for their parents when they have found their true love (even when it is not their own “left” parent), cause they seem to be much better people with the new partner. Life is not perfect and each story is different from each other. I hate to read this kind of stuff, showing so much bitter, anger and hate. Grow up people, no one owns no one, when someone was made for each other, life is wise and no matter what you say, it makes them both meet. People deserve to be happy. Cheers.

        • Know your true colors July 14, 2014 at 11:13 pm #

          Said like a true homewrecking whore. Congrats on getting your claws in a married man and “helping” him to move on. So kind of you. No matter how you try to sugar coat it, you were and are WRONG. Of course the wife was a horrible person. What else would you two tell yourselves so that you can reason with what you did. Of course you wouldn’t face the truth because in your heart you know what you did was wrong. One day you will pay for it. It never lasts you know. Not when you meet that way. I hope you both die a horrible slow death :-)

  4. Hopeful September 6, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

    Wow, powerful stuff.

  5. livingonafence September 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

    May I just say “Boofuckinghoo”

    Damn right no one will care when he cheats on you. Why should they? You got exactly what you did to someone else. Not too many people feel bad when karma shows up for some payback.

    I do appreciate telling the intended reader that they aren’t special. So true. Every cheat thinks it’s their ‘soulmate’. It’s not. It’s just someone willing to listen to your crap so that in return you’ll listen to their crap. Yeah, anything that involves lying and sneaking to cheap motels is ‘special’. LMAO

  6. Gizfield September 6, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

    I actually told my husband a version of this story a long time ago. I said “The best punishment you two could get would be forced to marry each other. Then one day, at some point down the road, maybe after an argument, me maybe not she will look across the table and say “I married a liar and a whore.” And you will look st her and say “I married a liar and a whore.” And guess, what, you are both right, lol.” It would be great if they were forced to continue whatever they did, with no chance of parole. Hours on the phone, hundreds of texts, mooning over each other…hows that working for you, in 20, 30, 40 years…

  7. Battleborn September 6, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

    I agree with Carol. Hindsight is truly a gift. Unfortunately when the affair is happening neither party is thinking clearly … well, duh! The grass is always greener on the other side – ha! It has been my experience with people I know that married their affair partners that the grass died when the man went over to the other side and no amount of watering can bring the lawn back. Of course most of the ex-wives went on to blossom into beautiful women. Sucks to be the OM/OW when you see the BS thrive in her/his new life.

    • Rachel July 15, 2014 at 3:15 am #

      Amen, battleborn!
      My friend said that I never smiled before.
      His “soulmate” was the best thing that could have happened to you”.
      And the best compliment is ” divorce agrees with you. You have never looked better!

  8. Anita September 6, 2012 at 7:11 pm #

    In reading this I can see that the betrayed spouse is in a
    grieving process, and blames the other woman.
    It appears she hasn’t forgiven this other woman and still
    habors resentment and bitterness.
    My exhusband never married his affair partner, but rather a woman who he met later.
    We get along fine and our children are adults and we each have our own relationship with them,
    It takes time forgiveness and healing to look at your own self and see what part we played in the demise of our own
    marriages.
    This betrayed spouse needs more time to heal, when she
    does, she also needs to look at herself and see what role
    she played in the demise of her own marriage, also
    she needs to realize that her exhusband was the one
    who broke the vows, and that he was the one who left her.
    She needs to forgive her exhusband, and become allies
    with his new wife and him, for the sake of the children, so
    the children know that they can be with either parent, and
    the parents are acting like adults for the best interest of the children. This betrayed spouse needs to set her bitterness
    aside and work as a team player so the children get the
    best of each parent.
    She needs to forgive and move on.

    • ex's daughter January 27, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

      So true. My mother took forever to forgive my father, and it only hurt my sister and I. But, the funny thing is, when she finally let it go and forgave my father in her heart, it seemed to take so much power away from my dad and stepmom. It’s like they had to get over us not caring anymore. Seeing her bitterness made them feel powerful. She has moved on, and is happier than I have ever seen her, and that gives my sister and I strength.

    • Toni December 11, 2013 at 1:02 am #

      whatever, there you go blaming the BS. No matter what role she had in the marriage being broken it doesn’t give the CS right to go out and cheat. Please

    • Sarah June 26, 2014 at 2:04 am #

      Anita, your comments are bunk. How could the innocent survivor of a cheating husband and his affair partner POSSIBLY become allies with the people who deliberately hurt her? Alliance means TRUST. The one thing the survivor knows about her husband is that he is a LIAR. And now she has to deal with the fact that her children are going to be influenced by a liar for the rest of their lives. When you say that the survivor needs to look at what they did to cause the affair, you are putting blame where it should never, ever, go. Keep your advice to yourself, please, because it is pie-eyed and hurtful.

      • Rosey June 26, 2014 at 8:56 am #

        Actually, I rather agree with Anita on this one. An alliance is just a relationship for mutual benefit, it doesn’t have to be based on trust.
        After more than two years of frosty but polite behaviour, I too have formed an alliance with my rat of an ex-husband. This doesn’t mean I trust him, and I certainly don’t like him or his wife. I strongly suspect I never will.
        The reason I formed the alliance is that I noticed that my kids, now 18 and 14, were being put into very awkward positions because they felt they had to segregate the two family groups. Deciding which parent to invite to an important birthday, or having several time pressured events. My son would even refuse to play his favourite sport if my ex and I both wanted to attend. Through no active encouragement of the adults in their life, they felt they had to choose between the people they loved. Not because the adults said anything or behaved badly, but because we all behaved in non-harmonious ways.
        However badly I may have been treated, my children were certainly the most innocent of victims.
        So instead, I chose an alliance. So that my children don’t have to choose, and can love and spend time with their family members as they want to. I sent my ex an email, explaining how I saw the situation, and we agreed to show the kids through our actions that they don’t have to choose between my ex and his wife and me. No big, loud action were agreed, just small ones, like not avoiding each other, etc.
        The future will show whether my initiative is a success, but I choose to work on the alliance for the sake of my children.

  9. Paula September 6, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

    Anita, you have missed something here, this was written by an affair partner, who married the cheater, and then later learned so much.

    My sister-in-law married her affair partner. He had cheated before, had a 10 year old son, and she thought he was her “soulmate” and did much disparaging of his first wife. After three years of marriage (six years together) and a 2 and a half year old, and a 10 month old, she kicked him out for cheating on her. BIG surprise! My partner and I supported her through this period in her life, both thinking, well, once a cheater….. why did you marry him??? Guess who cheated 20 years later – my same partner!! Great.

    Gizfield, I also whish he had “chosen” her instead of me, quite often. We have talked about this – this was the ultimate reason he ended the adultery. He realised, and had been telling her for a while, that it was all a fantasy, real life wouldn’t work for them (she is a selfish and demanding woman, and he knew it, part of the reason he split with her in his early 20s!) He could picture himself running around after her (then) 3 year old, whilst our much older (teens plus) children were missing out on his input. He said he could imagine sitting down with me a year or two later, in a cafe, over coffee, whilst we were discussing our children, and looking at me, looking stunning, and happy, and thinking, OMG, I have swapped a diamond for a hunk of coal.

    Battleborn, I too know many people who have blossomed after their cheater either left, or was disposed of (lol) and I LOVE that! My mother was an example, slightly different circumstances, my Dad realised he was gay after around 18 years of marriage, they tried to make it work for another year, and then Mum made the call, and kicked him out, and grieved for about another year, then became an even better version of herself, independent, strong and even more beautiful.

  10. Anita September 6, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

    Paula,
    Your right I did, I was on the phone talking when I
    read the first couple of paragraphs. Shame on me for doing
    that.
    However after rereading it is interesting, from the other woman’s point of view.
    However, many betrayed spouses who divorce carry this same type of view towards the other woman, until they have
    grieved and forgiven it all.
    It is interesting because that betrayed spouse does heal,
    and blossoms as you’s have mentioned, however the
    other woman, seems to wither away slowly.
    Paula thanks again for pointing that out, again shame on me for doing 2 things at once.

    • Anita September 6, 2012 at 8:49 pm #

      As for the writer, God has forgiven her, and for her own sake she needs to recieve that forgiveness and move forward with her life.
      From my own experience I have forgiven the other woman
      my exhusand had an affair with, and also my exhusband.
      For me life is to short to carry that big heavy bag of anger, resentment, bitterness.
      I enjoy the life I have now and I enjoy the freedom of not having to carry the baggage from the past.

      • Anita September 6, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

        This writers story reminds me of the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke Chapter 15 verses 11 through 32.
        After my divorce, I was very much like the Prodigal Son’s
        older brother, my heart was so hardend and unforgiving
        that I also would not have seen the reason the celebrate.
        However after healing and forgiving, my heart is beginning
        to soften towards others. Each day I pray I will become more like the father in this story.

  11. chiffchaff September 7, 2012 at 6:53 am #

    My boss, who was very helpful and supportive indeed when I had to tell her about the problems at home, told me that her first husband had cheated on her with his student. Everyone knew about it except her (they worked together) and the relevance is that her first husband left her for the AP. He didn’t want to try anything to save his marriage as the AP was perfect in everyway. This man went on to marry his AP and have a child, he then cheated on her and did exactly the same again, dumped her and kid for a sparkly new AP, wife #3.
    So I think that the reason that there’s a cliche about ‘once a cheater..’ is that there are many events of it happening.

    • Anita September 7, 2012 at 8:16 am #

      Chiffchaff,
      It is sad that your boss’s exhusand done that. Inside he’s
      a very unhappy and goes from relationship to relationship
      because of a void that’s inside of him, something that only
      God can fill.
      Myself I have healed to the point where I findly understand
      that a cheating spouse and other woman don’t need my
      wrath but instead need to be prayed for.
      I believe that when affairs happen, its because of a deep
      void within them, they look for a person to fill those voids,
      rather then God.
      Myself I was once a betrayed spouse and I was full of
      self right righteousness, and unforgiveness, which also
      left a deep deep void inside of me. When I followed
      Gods word on forgiving others, my happiness began to return, and I could start to feel love again, instead of
      saddness and dispare.
      This has been a great lesson to me, the more I forgave
      and prayed for others I felt peace, love, joy, and hope return
      to me.

      • Anita September 7, 2012 at 8:32 am #

        Chiffchaff,
        I believe there is a time to mourn, but then there is a time
        to be happy again, by letting go of our past grieves, and leave the past behind.
        If we carry a big bag of unforgiveness and self righteousness, we only makes ourselves unhappy.
        I know for myself, if i had done something wrong, and
        I hurt another person, I would like to be forgiven and that
        the person I hurt would put it in the past and let it go.
        If I want that for myself, then I need to do that for others
        who have hurt me.
        Otherwise all the unhappiness destroys us verses letting
        go and be happy where it only builds us.

      • Sarah June 26, 2014 at 2:09 am #

        Anita, I want to know…if you have healed so completely, why do you spend so much time writing on a website for survivors of affairs?

  12. chiffchaff September 7, 2012 at 9:12 am #

    Anita – it all happened a long time ago for my boss and she has happily remarried. Not sure what the relevance is of your second posting there – sorry.
    I’m also an atheist. A lot of my H’s problems (but not all) stem from his dreadful evangelical christian upbringing so I don’t perosnally agree with the need to fill any such voids with god (or any other religion) either.
    My H was brought up with rampant misogyny, bodies are dirty, sex is dirty and naughty, women are caregivers baby machines and second to men, nudity is wrong, men think differently (i.e. better) to women – all of these beliefs inflicted on him until he left home created any void he may have had in my view, although I recognise others don’t share my beliefs either. From many other postings on this blogs, being a believer in a religion doesn’t seem to make any jot of difference to whether someone has an affair or not.

    • Anita September 7, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

      Chiffchaff,
      I am a Christian, and I love the Lord with all my heart, because I feel that love, I love to share it with others.
      I wish you and your husband the very very best.

      • Anita September 7, 2012 at 8:14 pm #

        Chiffchaff,
        My beliefs are different then those of your husband’s. In the
        Holy Bible its about God’s love for us, and eternal life for those who believe in Jesus, who died for our sins.

        • Anita September 7, 2012 at 9:22 pm #

          Chiffchaff,
          I am a open minded and would like for you to share your
          view points, we may not agree with each other, however
          I am open to listening to others points of view.
          As far as my Christian Faith, I will never surrender it, I know way to much to ever give it up. I have nothing to lose if I am wrong, however I have eternal life if I’m right.
          However I am willing to listen to others point of view.

          • chiffchaff September 8, 2012 at 7:14 am #

            Anita – my comments were not a criticism of either you or people who believe in their chosen religion.

            My comments were ore to do with CSs and APs who use their belief to justify their affair, i.e. ‘god meant us to be together otherwise he wouldn’t have provided us with the temptation of each other’ – which is justifying it in exactly the same way as CSs do from any walk of life, it’s just a variant on the ‘I wouldn’t do this unless this person was my soulmate’ rationale.

            • Anita September 8, 2012 at 8:29 am #

              Chiffchaff,
              When CSs and APs use this excuse, it is just that, because
              in the Bible we are told by God not to commit adultery.
              Also in James Chapter 1 verse 12 through 18 it addresses this. In verse 13, Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He himself tempt anyone. 14, But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15, Then, when desire has concieved, it gives birth to sin.
              There is more to verse 15 throught 18.
              As you can see CS’s and AP’s excuses are ridiculous.

        • Teresa September 9, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

          Anita, I appreciate your stand….I’m a Christian also and you’ve encouraged me over the months with your testimony. You have a peace that comes over from God! Bless you!

  13. Dave September 7, 2012 at 11:03 am #

    ChiffChaff

    Interesting, but my wife was also a devout christian at the time when she had her PA/EA. The things she did were very taboo and sinful, yet she did them anyway. The “naughtiness” gave it an extra exciting kick for her.

    I’m an atheist and after my one night stand that happened four years prior to her affair when we were separated, I felt terrible guilt and confessed because it it felt wrong, despite the fact we were living apart and both preparing for divorce.

    She cheated because she needed (wanted) attention, to be adored, and for the thrill. I cheated in a moment of weakness, loneliness, and confusion.

    Both were wrong, and I agree – belief, religion, and god don’t have a lot to do with these situations. If anything, it made hers worse. She, the good christian girl, had two affairs, and then suppressed it in her own mind and then lied to me for 14 and 18 years respectively; I did it once, confess immediately, and have tormented myself for 18 years.

    • Anita September 8, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

      Dave,
      For me as a Christian, The Blood of Christ washed away all of my sins, and I have been forgiven, therefore I can enjoy my life. However that is not a licience to sin, but
      when I do, I confess it and repent of it. God changes us from glory to glory, and our old nature starts to fade away
      as we become Christ minded.
      You admit to being a atheist, and you said you have tormented yourself for 18 years. That’s a heavy load to
      carry for the rest of your life, when you could choose
      the freedom from this by excepting Christ who will wash
      away all your sins, and the best part you will be promised
      eternal life. John 3 verse 16, and God will change you from
      Glory to Glory.
      However if you perfer carrying your own torment, then no one can stop you, only you can make a choice that will
      change your life.

      • Battleborn September 9, 2012 at 9:00 am #

        Anita, I applaud your Christianity and your continued attempts to being God and Jesus into all our lives. It seems that it is your calling. However, I am not a good Christian like you and believe that while God can help me through this mess, He is not the end all be all to our misery. Even with His help, one must still have external assistance. God put others onto this earth to give assistance so we would not have to be by ourselves and they are not all Christians.

        I guess what I am asking/saying is not everyone is religious. What if my counselor is an atheist or Muslim or Jehovah Witness? Their profession is to help me find myself and help me through my misery. My religious beliefs may be helpful, but it is just a portion of my healing. God states that one must find oneself and lead the life they choose. Sometimes it is not religion although most Christians would like to believe it is.

        • Anita September 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

          Battleborn,
          Thank you, and I do understand what your saying.
          I can only speak from my own experiences, and what
          works for me.
          For myself, I believe my existance on this earth is to love and worship God. If I’m wrong I lose nothing, but if I’m right
          I will have eternal life that is promised in John 3 vs 16.
          Without my faith, I imagine I would live life day to day not
          really knowing what I would wanted out of life, I would have
          no direction, and would be trying to find something to fill
          that emptiness. Because I know money doesn’t bring
          happiness, nor materal goods.
          I find happiness in my relationship with others.
          But for my internal happiness it comes from God, it doesn’t
          mean I am free from problems, but I have learned,
          to trust God in the midst of them.

          • Anita September 9, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

            Battleborn,
            I do understand the misery that comes with infidelity, I was once a betrayed spouse myself. I have had the time to deal with it and heal from it as well as forgive it.
            Battleborn you still love your husband, whereas I no longer
            how those feelings toward my exhusband. I think that makes a big difference. Your still with your husband and
            see him day to day and your still married.
            I”ve gone foward with my own life, and I do not see my exhusband, except for family functions with our adult children, and grandchildren, we live in different states.
            My exe and I get along fine, and he’s remarried.
            It does make a difference when your over someone,
            it doesn’t hurt anymore.
            However you still love your husband, and thats why it hurts.

            • Anita September 9, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

              Battleborn,
              For myself my pained stopped when I got over my exhusband, after our divorce.
              However I do not suggest for anyone to divorce if they’re
              wanting to save their marriage.
              I went through a grieving process after our divorce, and
              it took awhile to get over it all. However I did, and I am a much more happier person, because the pain is no longer there. I have had enough time to build a new life for myself
              and its makes a big difference. I was very sad and unhappy in the last year of my marriage, its was awful.
              I no longer trusted my then husband now exe. We also
              didn’t get along the last couple months and our marriage and it took a downward spiral and we ended it.
              About 2 years later my exe called me and apologized, but
              I had already moved foward with my own life. Also I
              didn’t want to cycle with him again because his last affair
              was not his first, so it would have been only a matter of time before he cheated again, and I didn’t want to be in that
              kind of relationship. So it was better for me to get over him
              and have a new life for myself. I am glad I did.
              Battleborn take care of yourself, and I wish you and your
              spouse much happiness.

              • Anita September 9, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

                Battleborn,
                I didn’t get a chance to finish my last post, I got called away.
                I write here on this site about my past and how I healed and forgave it. However I do not mention much about my current life now, because it does not apply here or have relevance. However I do wish everone here happiness
                and joy.

                • Anita September 9, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

                  My heart goes out to all the betrayed spouses. I have learned so much from having been one
                  myself.
                  With that bein said, I feel my own journey has come to a close here. As I have mentioned in the above reply, my
                  current life no longer has relevance to this site any longer.
                  God Bless you all.

      • Dave September 10, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

        I was once a believer. It brought me no comfort at all. In fact, it became a source of pain. Removing it from my life freed me to face my challenges and deal with them honestly. When I left my faith behind, I found my humanity.

        Yes, there have been times that I thought it would have been nice if there were something else that could take away my problems, but I know that wouldn’t fix the problems. It would only hid them, and that is what my wife did as a believer. She prayed and thought that god forgave her, so there was no need to tell me. That was all in her head of course. God and religion became a way she could avoid dealing with our issues rather than make a sincere attempt to fix them.

        • Anita September 10, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

          Dave,
          I wanted to leave this site because it doesn’t apply to my current life any longer However I do want to reach out to you.
          I do understand, I really do. I had went through my own pain
          of wondering Why? Why did that all happen, why did God
          allow my to go through so much pain, when all my prayers
          were about saving a marraige and having it centered around Christ, I tried so hard to be the good wife, and all
          I got was heartbreak and more heartbreak.
          I do understand. Dave I remember crying so hard to God
          and I felt so much anger and pain.
          That was my turning point in my life, I could write God, out
          of my life right then and there, or I could trust him.
          I chose to trust God. My marriage did end, however when
          that door closed a new door opened. I am now free from
          that pain and heartache, and I’m happy again.
          Dave sometimes our prayers aren’t answered in ways
          we would like, however I can see now that God does work
          everything for our own good.
          Dave, your heartbroken about the choices your wife made,
          her choices were hurtful. Now is the hard part you need to forgive her. Dave its ok to cry and yell and scream to God,
          he understands but he’s waiting for you to let go and put
          this in his hands.

          • Dave September 10, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

            Anita, I appreciate you reaching out and I do understand where you are coming from. We are working on the healing part now and will continue with our counselor and therapist.

            I am glad your faith helped you and I’m not attacking it. I’m just saying that it doesn’t help me. But thank you for the kind words.

            • Anita September 10, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

              Dave,
              I hope you and your wife can work this out.
              When my exhusband and I divorced, my exe was caught up in his affair with his affair partner. He was a person
              I didn’t even know. As I have mentioned before, they broke up about a year after our divorce, and about 2 years later,
              he called and apologized, by then I had moved on with my
              own life.
              Several months ago I went throught a process to have my
              marraige to him annuled in our church, it was then I was able to understand why our marriaged failed, by me having
              to write about our courtship and why we chose to marry,
              my eyes were opened, we married because of a pregnancy
              instead of getting married for the right reasons, My exe
              always felt he missed out in his youth in dating other women. It came back to haunt us in our marriage. My
              exhusband was not ready for a lifetime of fidelity, nor a
              lifetime commitment to a marriage.
              I do not blame God for our failed marriage, I also no longer
              blame my exhusband or myself. With us being so young
              we made some dumb choices back then. However
              I do have wonderful children from that union, so in the end
              it all worked out and I am happy again.
              I hope you and your wife will get through this and have many happy years to come.

              • Anita September 10, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

                Dave,
                My past is over and done with, being on this site no longer applies to me nor does it have relevance in my current life. With that bein said, God Bless you all!

              • sam December 2, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

                Anita,
                I was married for 27 years, had a wife who cheated and went so far as to get engaged with OM while both were still married. I prayed and cried to save my marriage, but God let me know that marriage is from Him and that if He is not glorified by it, the marriage must end. My wife’s family accepted the Adulterous relationship, but my grown children did not. God told me to be still and to endure the pain so that my faith would grow strong in Him…and it did. By genuine forgiveness, I was able to remove the knife from my heart and heal properly knowing that He was with me thru the pain. I pray that my ex and her knew husband will return to God in true repentance… because it is not about us, it’s about the Lord.

  14. Healing Mark September 7, 2012 at 11:19 am #

    Chiffchaff. Perhaps I’ll beat Anita to the punch here. You are right. A belief in a supreme being alone will not make much of a difference in whether a person has an affair or not. However, if you are a “believer” and a “follower” it’s unlikely that you will chose to knowingly have an affair. I say knowingly in that many people who chose to lead their lives as their religion instructs would never commit adultery as this term is contemplated (i.e., a physical affair). Yet, for some reason they begin to have feelings for another person that are very real, they get all the “good” that comes from having another person like you and compliment you, and they don’t want this to end and often for a time don’t recognize what it is that they are doing as something “wrong”. Of course, lies and deceit that often are a part of an EA are something that most religions frown upon, but only the most ardent of “followers” live their lives exactly as their chosen supreme being would have them live.

    What really angers me are stories of “men of God” who use their position of power to have affairs with women in their congregation (or do other bad things but that’s a whole other story). I’ll take a person who has self-respect, good character, honor and a committment to living their life to the best they can so as to not cause hurt to other people, especially people they love, over someone who is very religious but does not possess the foregoing character traits anytime. No matter what your religious barometer, it really comes down to choices. I have had opportunities to have PA’s and have had other women start to act in ways that I could see might lead to EA’s and I simply chose not to go there. Would it have been “fun”? Perhaps. But just not right. That said, I will not doubt at some point today drive in excess of the posted speed limits, which I know is “wrong” and a violation of laws. But I will make a conscious choice to engage in a behavior that I know is not the best for me (hopefully, I won’t get a speeding ticket!). It’s sad that there are people out there that will engage in hurtful and harmful behavior (PA’s or EA’s) even though they know that it is “wrong”.

    • livingonafence September 7, 2012 at 12:09 pm #

      Agreed. OW in my case is a ‘woman of God’ and has Christian nonsense on her FB page. That didn’t stop her from joking with my H about me dying and him using the life insurance money to take care of her. I really have no use for the die-hard religious people. My personal experience has been that these individuals use it as a ‘get out of jail free’ care and act in some very ‘sinful’ ways.

      • Teresa September 11, 2012 at 2:38 pm #

        LOAF, from what you’ve told me about the OW…she’s not living a God filled life….it reminds me of a story I read about Mahatma Gandhi…http://www.mongoosemom.com/?p=27
        The Gandhi quote says it all…”I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians.They are so unlike your Christ”. What a true but sad statement…

    • ocanas September 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm #

      Agree with livingonafence, in my case my wife is (was until the EA) a devoted Christian, the OM is a son of a …… ehem Pastor (and yes, the other word you thought also applies! ). It’s not the beliefs that they profess, it’s how much of those beliefs are they applying in their lives that counts

      • Anita September 8, 2012 at 10:41 am #

        Ocanas,
        Your right, to profess and not apply those beliefs is like me
        sitting in my gargage, but it doesn’t make me a car.
        Also just because your a Pastor it doesn’t mean your immuned to a life free of problems, being a parent myself
        my own children didn’t always follow the rules either, and
        neither did I when I was younger, in fact I am still a sinner.
        That why I need Jesus, who died on the cross for my sins.

        • Anita September 8, 2012 at 11:11 am #

          Ocanas,
          When we are hurt by an affair, wheather you stay or leave,
          we are also given a choice to forgive or not to forgive.
          Forgiving, is for you, so your not left with bitterness or resentment. By not forgiving it like swallowing poison,
          expecting it to hurts others. However there is a time
          to greive and there is a time to enjoy your life again.

          • ocanas September 8, 2012 at 11:18 am #

            Well said Anita!

      • Teresa September 9, 2012 at 10:31 pm #

        I tell my children all the time “Keep your eyes on God, because man ( or woman) will disappoint you every time.”
        The Bible clearly states that God does NOT condone sexual immorality, at ALL!! It grieves Gods heart when his children get caught up in affairs….my H and I are Christians, and his EA shook me to the core…this was NOT supposed to happen to us…we KNOW better! HA!
        We were/are regular church attenders and the friends that we hung out with are all of the same faith….BUT we are also born with a sinful nature, and do things wrong all the time!
        I think this has been the biggest hurdle for me to get over, that my H could bury his guilt so deep and continue with his EA for over four months!
        And so many hurtful things he told the cow about me, ALL LIES, and he didnt even care! I just couldn’t see how he could continue going to church, having the Pastor in OUR home for a party, laughing and talking with our friends and all along he had this “secret” life!!
        But that’s how sin is…it gets it’s claws into you, changes you, and brings you down into the pit of despair!
        I’m thankful that my H has finally seen just how destructive his EA was to me and our family, and has confessed his sin before God and is making a real change in his life!
        You know, the EA wasn’t my H’s problem, it was a symptom of his problems…lots of baggage from his childhood that he had never dealt with, and since the discovery of his EA, he’s really making strides in putting his past behind him and moving into a better future…with ME!!
        I’m sure most of you have heard the cliche ” Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven” and that is so true!
        I still have bouts of anger and resentment, I AM human, lol, but I’m finding that as I draw closer to God, I can let this go, and the peace Anita describes fills me…a peace that only God can give :)

        • Carol September 11, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

          Teresa, I can really relate to what you write here. My H gave a lot of lip service to his Christianity, and kept attending church all through his EA. Deep down I think he felt like Christianity hindered him or held him back or kept him from having ‘fun.’ Enter the ‘cow’ (I love your word for OW, heh) and her fuzzy neediness . . .

          I do think that Christians are just as susceptible to affairs as anybody else, especially if they’ve got unresolved childhood issues. That biblical verse about the sins of the fathers being visited on the children? It’s not so much a curse — or a statement of a punishment from God — as it is a statement of fact: when parents behave badly, their children, unfortunately, will pay the price.

          I think that in my H’s case, once he was confronted with what I knew about the EA, he felt terrible guilt. He’d been denying his wrongdoing all along or justifying it somehow, and once I confronted him and told him calmly but firmly to get out, he was hit with reality. I said that since he was fool enough to think that lying bee-yatch was worth more than his faithful wife of nearly 20 years, he was too much of a fool for me. After that he more or less collapsed emotionally. He went to work the next day, but looked so devastated that a co-worker, also a Christian, took him into her office and asked him what was wrong. He told her what he’d done, and she told him sternly that he had committed ‘terrible sins’ and hauled him off to confession immediately. I mean literally hauled . . . she pulled him there. :) She then told him to pray, keep close to the sacraments, and do all he could to love me as he ought to have been doing all along.

          That was the beginning of his positive transformation. He still has a long way to go. The Christian faith is NOT a crutch, in my opinion, not if you really try to live it — my H’s experience is showing me that. Loving others as Christ loved you requires incredible maturity and self-sacrifice and wisdom and compassion and yes, sometimes firm boundaries, too — such as those that keep out needy members of the opposite sex who prey on married people for their own twisted purposes. It is a constant struggle, a race, as Paul called it, a labor, as the gospels say over and over. So I don’t think of my faith as something I ‘need’ to get through life. There are many easier crutches out there that I could choose. For me, my faith is kinda inevitable, if that makes sense. I went through hell as a child, and as I look back the only way I think I could possibly have made it through relatively unscathed is if something bigger than me was holding me together.

          Sorry if this is rambling — just to say I understand where Teresa is coming from. Christians are called to a high moral standard, but they can fail, just as people who are atheists and who know that cheating is wrong can fail according to their own moral standards. I do respect the way my H is trying to live up to the demands of his faith in the wake of the EA. Do I wish he’d done so before, and not behaved like an utter hypocrite? Hell, yeah. Am I glad for his sake that he’s living with more integrity now? Yes.

          • Teresa September 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

            Thank you Carol :) I’m glad your H had a coworker who was concerned enough to care! Also a verse I like to think about…for my H AND my me, because I STILL do get angry at times, LOL…it’s Proverbs 24:16 ~ “Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” ( or in my case, a woman,lol)
            We all make mistakes, my H made some whoppers, and it was WRONG, and he was wrong for dragging his feet for a year afterwards…but I also know that’s normal, all CS don’t want to do the work, they want life to go back to “the old normal”….it takes a while for them to realize, this is the “new normal” and it’s there is NO going back!
            Oh, and I call her the cow…..because she reminds me of one!! A fat, lazy woman who takes no responsibility for the hurt that she caused….just grazing her way through her miserable life! I truly feel sorry for her H and her kids!
            Me and my H? We’re doing great! My H spoils me…daily…and I let him, LOL! :)
            And even though we still have small “issues” every now and then, (mainly pretaining to his Avoidance issues stemming from an emotionally abusive childhood) we are happier together than we’ve been in a very long time….I still check in here every now and then because I have several friends here that I check on….and when I feel I might be able to post something that helps someone, then I do :) At least I HOPE it helps them!
            I feel I’m an “oldie” as I’m 20 months past Dday….and my heart breaks for those just joining the “party”…gag!! But hopefully what I or others say that have been there, done that, will be helpful to the newbies! :)

    • Anita September 7, 2012 at 7:47 pm #

      Healing Mark,
      Your right affairs happen everywhere.
      My point being that none of us are perfect, and at one time or another we may need forgiveness.
      I also do not take offense when someone has a different
      point of view then me. My faith brings me much joy, and it
      promises eternal life to those who believe, that alone is
      enough for me, and I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

    • chiffchaff September 8, 2012 at 7:21 am #

      HM – yes, I agree with you, it’s a choice to life your life in a certain way and to not harm others either mentally or physically by your own actions (be they affairs or other actions).
      After discovering about their son’s behaviour their first concern was that he shouldn’t be saddled with looking after our dog as his job would suffer.

  15. Blue September 7, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

    I agree, ‘saying’ you’re ‘Christian’ doesn’t make you one. The OW in my sad story was not only a regular church going person, she went to Christian schools throughout her whole life! It obviously had no affect at all.

    I grew up in Christian faith, although not religious now. I have to admit though the only thing that pulls me through all this darkness is talking to my guardian angels every day for the past 2 years asking them to guide and help me be a forgiving person. Maybe I sound freaky but I actually see ‘signs’ from them. (unfortunately the ‘devil’ likes to taunt me still)

    I think Anita is a true Christian and she comes here to help others through her faith to help them find happiness. If only I could let her words really penetrate into my soul, I’m sure I would find that lost happiness. Although I don’t write much on here, I find you’re the only ones I can really trust. (I have a sad feeling most of my ‘friends’ would betray me if they had the oppurtunity with my husband) I wish I were a mind reader to know who to trust.

    • Anita September 7, 2012 at 6:51 pm #

      Blue,
      Thank you, but its ok I do not take offense when others do not agree or share my same beliefs.
      I don’t agree with their beliefs either, however my beliefs give me much, joy love and peace, and that’s good enough for me, and the most important part of my belief is eternal life.

  16. Surviving September 7, 2012 at 8:22 pm #

    Want to know what happens?
    Look at the public meltdown of Leann rhimes
    Her insecurities, her issues her recent admission of anxiety.

  17. Lisa September 8, 2012 at 7:21 pm #

    Thanks to this writer. I believe her insight is valuable pray someone does heed it in time.

  18. Jim September 10, 2012 at 11:57 pm #

    My wife of 26 years cheated on me the last 5 years of our marraige. Lie after lie, she tried to make me think I was crazy for doubting her…but I knew. Finally proved it, got divorced, her affair partner is im the process of ending a40 year marriage to be with my ex, all very sad, I feel no forgiveness in me after such a betrayal.

  19. Gizfield September 11, 2012 at 7:20 am #

    Jim, they all try to make you think you are crazy. It is a very dishonorable way to live. I bet they were both shocked as hell when you divorced her. Now they get to live out “the “dream life” they planned. Reality doesn’t usually live up to fantasy. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. Best wishes to you in your new life .

  20. Jim September 11, 2012 at 8:42 am #

    Gizfield: Thanks for your response, she was delighted when I filed for divorce. He lives 2 states away but they manage to take long weekends and spend Holiday’s together. His wife has filed for divorce so they can begin their “dream life” shortly.

    • Teresa September 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm #

      Just wait Jim….just wait…let’s see where they are in 2-3 yrs! My sister left her H of 35 yrs, a great job, and her four kids and 2 grandchildren for the OM…and a year later, she’s back home, divorced, broke (she got $12,000 in cash from her ex and some retirement funds and they blew through that in 7 months) shes in debt for thousands, the OM didn’t believe in working full time, only when he needed money, she found that out AFTER she moved 2000 miles away to be with him…And now she lives all alone and she HATES it!!
      Karma IS out there…it’ll catch up with them, just you wait and see! The best revenge you can have….make a new life for yourself and BE HAPPY!! Good luck to you!

      • Amanda February 28, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

        I found out my husband of 21 years, 2 homes, 4 kids, etc etc was going behind my back for two years looking for another woman. I was blind sided. We hadn’t been getting along and had started going to counseling and he told the counseler all kinds of wonderful things about me but never said what was truly bothering him (I still don’t know). He had started going through midlife (bad!) and started blaming me for all kinds of things that weren’t true (smothering him for example, which wasn’t true!! I never minded him having beers with friends or stuff like that). I think he was looking for reasons to leave because he wasn’t happy but to avoid guilt, made up reasons in his mind to back up his choices to stray. He finally found an older woman (9 years older than me) who had been married three times. She took him in immediately. She wormed her way into my kid’s hearts and she is a thorn in my side. She has guided him to drag me to court many many times and almost cost me to lose my home over it. They got married a few months ago (yes he is now her fourth husband). She has turned my two girls against me and constantly talks bad about me but knows just the right way to do it so the kids don’t understand what she is doing. I have a court order stating that neither parent is to talk bad about the other parent in the children’s precense, but it’s no good. If I took him to court over it what would be done? NOTHING! I have the two boys with me. I keep an eye on their cell phones and the OW is always texting them things about me. I have asked the boys fifty million times to either tell her “I don’t want to talk about my mom” or to just ignore the texts. They don’t want to cause hard feelings and answer her. For example I see her latest texts are asking him about Senior Skip Day and why doesn’t your mom take you to do something. He said mom has to work and she went on to grill him….she thought I didn’t work anymore (which isn’t true) blah blah blah. What is it of her business?? This is driving me crazy and she knows the only way to get to me is through my kids. Why can’t they just move on? They got what they wanted…..why do they have to try and turn the kids against me? I just want to move on and find happiness again (I have a wonderful man in my life) and wait for KARMA!

        • Natalia February 28, 2013 at 4:02 pm #

          Amanda, she not going to stop because she wants your life. She got your husband and now she wants your kids. She wants to be you. I suggest you speak to an aggressive attorney to draft a petition for this bitch to stop contacting your children. And threaten your husband with filing for sole custody and no contact with him because he is not stopping this bitch and seems to be enabling her. However this will only work if your children are minors. If they are over 18 all you can do is talk to them in a therapeutic setting, that is with a therapist. Good luck.

          • Amanda February 28, 2013 at 4:25 pm #

            It’s funny you would say that because she changed to MY dr now (so yes sometimes I go to the dr and she is waiting in the waiting room!) and also invites MY family to their house often. My family has no family loyalty and remembers him the way he USED to be (was a good guy) and goes to visit him. I’ve pretty much stopped talking to my family. They know how I feel. I told them I don’t mind them being civil and saying hello if they saw him out somwhere, but to go have coffee and cake with him and his new wife after they spent how long cheating on me? I just feel so betrayed. I have a good man in my life and I am happy. I just want this witch to stop talking bad about me to my kids. Two are still minors. My oldest daughter is on her own and doesn’t want to speak to me now. I told her I love her and if she ever needs anything I am here for her, but will not tollerate how she talks or treats me. My 15 year old daughter decided to live with the ex and she was there two months and now treats me terribly. I told her the same thing. When you can show me respect as your mother, then we will go back to doing family things. She doesn’t care right now. My oldest son is 18 and slightly autistic. He is the one that the OW texts all of the time about me. I have saved the texts and I have let the exhusband know I save their texts. I told him I will take it to court if I have to. He backed off. The OW on the other hand does it all the more. They told my two boys to put passwords on their phones because it’s none of my business what they text. I sat the boys down and told them my boyfriend and I pay the phone bill, we bought the phones, and it’s our job as parents to check up and make sure things are ok. If they don’t like it they can surrender the phones. They kept the passwords on (my 13 year old son said he was afraid of losing it and someone using it). So I downloaded a program that allows me to see the texts without needing a password. The OW knows the only way to get to me is through my kids and so this is the route she uses. She brags about how her father was a minister (he was married three times) and what a christian woman she is. I pray that she moves on with their new life and just leaves me alone. I texted a friend of mine today that works for a lawyer. I think I am going to ask a lawyer if there is anything I can do. There is no way to keep the kids from her. As far as I know she treats them good, she just runs me down in front of them. The judge in this county sucks and I don’t see anything being done for me. Unfortunately the court systems don’t care much about family values any more. I’ve experienced this first hand now.

  21. Jim September 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    Teresa: Thanks for your comment. My ex got me for $200,000, and her husband to be is loaded as a Director for a malor company. They travel all the time and have absolutely no regard for the pain they have caused and the family units they have discarded. No young children on either side. Hopefully they will see the error of their ways someday and show some remorse, highly doubtful. Their lives appear to be perfect.

  22. exercisegrace September 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm #

    Personally, I dislike the term “Christian”. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus and I shouldn’t have to say that to anyone. If my life doesn’t reflect my beliefs, then I am a fraud and a failure. Telling me that the OW was a “christian” and “active in her church” (bullcrap on both accounts) was a way to make me comfortable with the growing friendship. If your walk doesn’t match your talk, then we are going to have a problem!

  23. DJ September 12, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

    My husband and his OW are both religious types, too. They prayed for God to make a way for them to be together.

    I am a Christian, but I have no illusion that this makes me or my fellow Christians better than anyone else. A public profession of faith does not a Christian make. And given the right situation, even a real Christian can fall with little provocation at all.

  24. Missy October 7, 2012 at 11:34 pm #

    Great article! Thank you for writing this. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy article to write.

    My cheating ex got engaged to the OW before our divorce was final. He suffers depression and it normally lasts from Nov until Feb. I was so hurt by the horrible way that he treated me and discarded our marriage. He was a minister at the church we attended. He moved to another state to be with the OW.

    He has called me numerous times crying and apologizing just to try to ease his guilt. He told me how much he misses me, misses us, misses our life and our friends. This is the OW’s 3rd affair with a married man but my ex is the only one that left his marriage.

    He dislikes kids but is engaged to someone with a 4 year old daughter. During one of his depressive cycles he told me that he was afraid he would molest a child…If I ever tried to let the OW know this, I just come across looking like a bitter ex.

    What a crazy mess! His family are very angry about his choice and have already told him that she is not welcome to family events and that they would not be having family vacations with them either. It’s such a tangled web that people weave.

    I am just thankful to be out of this situation. I have been blessed with great friends and an awesome Pastor. Karma. Oh dear sweet Karma; it’s going to visit them soon enough.

  25. Gizfield October 8, 2012 at 7:54 am #

    Oh my, Missy. That is one of the worst situations I have seen on here. one of the primary reasons I stayed with my husband was so that a known tramp who dates married men would not have access to my then five year old daughter. It is so common for child molesters to use the parent to get access to the child. I have a friend on facebook who is divorced with a nine year old son. Every few months it’s the same story. She gets a new “wonderful” boyfriend, them a few months later it comes out hes jerk. The latest shes dated about a month, and theres a photo of her kid and another boy laid out on the couch watching tv with himv. I’m not saying anything is going on there, but how easy is that? If he really is a child molester, your ex, can you think of any way he can be exposed? This is extremely serious stuff.

  26. Missy October 8, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    I honestly did the only two things that I knew to do. I notified the pastor of the church that they are currently attending and I also informed my ex-SIL.

  27. Gizfield October 8, 2012 at 9:38 am #

    Thats great, Missy! You did what you could! Now it’s on them, hope it doesn’t happen.

  28. Surviving October 8, 2012 at 9:41 am #

    Missy,
    What a horrible situation.

  29. Amelia December 4, 2012 at 7:50 pm #

    Wow! My ex left me for another girl and they enjoyed every moment of wrecking and escaping our marriage while I was left behind raising a child. She is now pregnant and engaged to him and its now as if both of them are miserable as hell as noone is happy for them and treating the other women like a cockroach you just can’t kill.

    I would hate to be her she’s so hated and the pain she caused is going to know haunt her for the rest of her life. Bringing children into the mess they created was just shocking. It goes to show how desperate and insecure these other women get. Poor child

  30. Jody January 15, 2013 at 11:22 am #

    Anita, if you are still around…you have turned my entire day around. I am the cheater, and it is killing me. I left my spouse for my AP and married him. I do love him very much, and in many ways we are happy. I simply cannot come to terms with my guilt. I can’t forgive myself, and I like you actually have a strong faith. I pray about this daily, and need to learn to forgive myself for what I’ve done. I feel horrible for what I’ve done. I speak to God daily, and if you could provide any passages in the bible relating to this, I would appreciate it. Thank you for setting an example of positive healing for so many hardened, bitter hearts and for speaking the truth about what is best for the children despite who caused the pain. I’m trying so hard to move on, but everywhere I turn people just make me feel like a whore all over again unworthy of forgivness. You are the first woman on this site to ever make me think that this is posible. Thank you.

  31. Warrior March 24, 2013 at 3:43 am #

    Hi. My husband has been having an affair with the OW for 16 months now where they kept on lying about their relationship which was mostly internet based except for the other”work trips” I found evidence though and he confessed, begged for forgiveness and carried on with her for the next year. I fought for my marriage and my 2 beautiful girls The other woman moved in with him last week after she was apparently kicked out of her home. She is 10years younger than me, drop dead gorgeous and was a model but at 36, now basically unemployed which means he has to pay her bills. My husband is financially responsible for us at this stage. I have started working but work on commission only. He is a good dad and his intentions (however unrealistic) are to provide for us. He wanted my kids to go and visit him and my 12 year old refused. The youngest wanted to go and see him and wrote a list of rules for him about what would upset her like sleeping in the bed with the OW and she wanted him to sleep with her. (she has been diagnosed as highly sensitive) When it came to bedtime he told her he is going to sleep with the OW but that he’d leave the door open. She woke up in the middle of the night and the door was locked which was traumatic for her. The OW also said her hair needs conditioner, which angered my daughter Now she also refuses to go to him and we’ve agreed that he’d come and pick them up by himself and spend a day with them. I am so hurt about what he did and the way they did it. He blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life and says that she is so supportive. After a week of living together!!! My kids lives will never be the same. I really resent the fact that even they are living (without furniture though) except for their lovenest but they are happy and enjoying their honeymoon while stepping over the dead bodies around them…and they don’t care . I’m sure a year from now things will look very different from now… but right now it is so hard.

    • Amanda March 24, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

      This is almost my exact story and I feel for you. I cannot even tell you it will get better. My ex would blame me that I was poisining the kids against him and the OW and I was not. I tried to tell him they were angry about what he did and hurt that they want time with HIM while they heal but he had to include her in everything. My youngest was devistated that he was sleeping with the OW while they were trying to heal and he told them they needed to get over it because he loved HER now. Fast forward to today, he was able to tell my two daughters enough lies that they are mad at me, went to live with him and barely speak to me. he told them that he was smothered by me and was never allowed to do anything. That is sooo far from the truth. He went out when he wanted to and had no rules. And I didn’t mind it because we were best friends and there was TRUST. When i found out he had a secret cell phone and other lies he told me I DID become possessive. Isn’t that normal?? I tried to explain that to my girls and they said “poor you”. Nice huh? He is now married to the OW. I told my girls I love them and I will always be here for them but I will NOT put up with the disrespect from them and until they can treat me better we won’t be doing anything together. They still think I am wrong and although I reach out from time to time (which I shouldn’t!!) they still treat me nasty. I bought my 15 year old daughter a bunch of nice Christmas presents. I made her come here and open them so we could see her happiness and she was here ten minutes, opened them, gathered them up, gave us a hug and kiss (the boyfriend and myself) and she left. Then blocked me on her cell phone. The best advice I can give you, is TRY TRY TRY to block the feelings in your heart for him and move on. I put myself on a dating site 3 months after he left. I wasn’t ready at all!!! But I started to see what was out there and I met other people who were going through the same thing. I tried to forgive in my own heart the best I could. I had to, to move on. You don’t have to tell him he’s forgiven. Do it for yourself. If you have insurance, go see a counselor. I found a great one and it helps so much! Don’t be afraid to date casually. Just be up front that you are looking for friends first because you are just getting back into the dating scene. And lean on your friends when you are sad. That is what they are there for. I also put myself back in school and have about 14 more months to go to have my degree. Do some things for yourself to make yourself proud. Right now my ex and his new bride are constantly using the kids against me and I have no way to stop it. The courts don’t care!!! It’s sickening. So I ignore as much as I can and wait for KARMA. XOXOXO

    • jorge November 29, 2013 at 5:09 am #

      im sorry but it isnt just men that Do these things. my wife and i were together 11years, married for almost 8. 4 years ago we both stepped out on our marriage. i went first and it was longer, her was as a payback. we forgave each other and got together again. aug 13 was the last time she told me that she loved me, on aug 27 after a normal argument she decided that she wanted a divorce. i couldnt undrstand why until…. 3 months ago she decided to do have another affair. we were both christian, her more so than i so when my kids found out about it and told me we could not believe it. on sept 9 i spoke to the mans wife to confirmit and i left the house. since then she has filed for divorce. she has since told my oldest daughter (21) that she wasnt with him anymore but was “talking” to someone new, someone younger. she says the first guy decided to stay and work on his own marriage. the whole time she called me psycho, that i was acting like a crazy person. now i know it was her making me act like that, denying everything. another lie she has held on to was that it was an emotional affair only but just 2 days ago she told my daugther that it was in fact sexual as well. 3 months later she still able to break my heart even more. for the last 3 minths she has used the excuses that ranged from me being controlling, to being mean to her family (sisters), to being mean to my stepkids. to having a wondering eye. i still maintain a great relationship with my stepkids and specially my 10 month old granddaughter. her new and latest excuse is that she never forgave me for what happened 4 years ago. for a while there i started to belive this but then i realized that she is coming up with so many thimgs to justify what she did specially since her decision has destroyed not only our lives but the lives of my 5 children ( twins 5, 10, 14 and 21) and our grandaughter. and it made even more sense now that i know that it was a full flege affair. for the last 3 months she has made me pay for choice by how she talks to me, her actions, that she hates me without ever giving me a reason why. she even put a restraining order on me after an argument and because of it i have not seen my 3younger kids in 4 weeks. no one seems to understand why she is projecting so much anger and blame on me. when i first found out about this guy i begged and pleaded for counseling to repair our marriage and the answer was always no. she now is trying to live the life of an 18yr old. her life is the gym, her old high school friends from 20 years ago, her old high schools footbal games on friday (none of our sons play, just a nephew but we never went before) our 10yr olds pop warner (this where she met the man). because she has lost so much weight she thrives on the attention men on the field give her. keep in mind that i am 40 and she is 42.

      • Lois November 30, 2013 at 8:46 am #

        The anger she projects is guilt. My xhusband is remarried and angry as well as mean. He left has what he wants he should be happy. Not! With all that has been done, the deceit and lies have gone on too long. You cannot mend it. A Christian she is not. She is lost! Take care of yourself and family. This is what is important now.

        • jorge November 30, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

          Thank you. I am focusing on trying to heal. I am praying by dec 18 i will have my children again. that they are not being fed lies that I am the one that doesn’t want to see them. my children and i had such a great bond and i pray we can have that again. i am dreading the day they ask me why their mommy and daddy are not together anymore. I am still in awe how people can throw away so much for so little. i sill love and miss my wife but i know that the woman that used to be my wife, their mother, no longer exists.

          • Lois November 30, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

            You are correct. How old are your kids? Let them know always you love them. Contact them as much as possible for small talk hows school etc. Be there my husband was not he was busy building a relationship. As you know relationships take work. Make sure they know you are there if they need you. Respect takes time to earn but can be lost easily. My kids are 15 and 20. They love their Dad but have little respect for him. It will take time for healing. Currently they are what is the most important. Take care make good choices.

  32. Missy March 24, 2013 at 9:21 am #

    Warrior ~ My heart goes out to you. They are in ‘the honeymoon’ stage right now, they don’t see the bodies yet but they will…give it time.

    The best thing that you can do is to put on your best game face in front of him. When he is out with the kids, go get pampered or go to the gym. Don’t text him, call him or email him begging him to come back. If you can find a local DivorceCare class, they really helped me. They have them for kids as well.

    Trust me, neither one of them have ‘won’. The fantasy of the affair and living the ‘dream’ of finally being together wears off quick!! My ex married his AP and started calling his family crying about how miserable he is within 3 weeks of being married.

    He will soon start seeing her faults and she will see his. And living with no furniture – ha! Honey, that would get old for anybody quick. The problems surface a lot faster when you quit fighting for him. Of course your ex tried to blame you for the marriage problems; he has to try to reason it out in his mind and he obviously isn’t going to be taking any responsibility for it (gasp!).

    I am praying for you today! There is an amazing life waiting out there for you, I know that it may not feel like it right now with everything that you are going through but there is. You deserve so much more than being in a relationship where you weren’t valued. Affairs are had by selfish people who are only thinking of themselves and their needs.

    • Warrior March 24, 2013 at 12:40 pm #

      Hi Missy. Thank you so much for your encouragement and your prayers.

  33. Warrior March 24, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    Amanda. Amazing!!! I was also accused of being jealous… after I found evidence of other women. He was the one who was so jealous that when we first met, I had to throw out my clothes that I wore with my ex. Funny how that changed when it suited him. I’m so sorry to hear about your kids. That must be devastating. Give them time. Deep down they know the truth and you’ll always be their mother.

    • Amanda March 24, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

      Warrior,
      I seek advice from women who have gone through this before me and they all tell me my girls will come around again. It just sucks that HE wanted out and he got what he wanted, yet he and the new wife (previous OW) use the kids to try and get to me. I don’t understand when you get what you want, why do you talk bad about me and run me down?? My counselor told me he does it because in his mind, he has to find reasons to hate me. He didn’t have a reason to leave. He left because he was going through midlife and thought the grass was greener. She said he will try to find reasons to hate me, because if he cant hate me, then he has to come to terms that he still loves me. And he cant love me, he left me! So if he has to come to terms with what he did then he will have to admit he was wrong. She told me to be prepared to have to put up with this crap the rest of my life. He is her fourth husband by the way….. ;) And she is 9 years older than me. I just pray my kids come around. I love them so!

  34. Rich May 18, 2013 at 10:31 pm #

    As a betrayed husband, you deserve all the pain, shame, spite and humiliation that comes your way. Your choices are disgusting and karma will hopefully kick you in the ass until you die. You deserve it!!!

  35. Lisa June 14, 2013 at 10:26 pm #

    Hi everyone…….I’m new here and have never posted anything like this ever so I’m really nervous. I found this letter months ago and have wanted to rewrite it to the woman who destroyed my marriage and family. She was my friend. She was also married. She has 5 children ages 6-19. She says she’s a Christian and was very active in her church community. We double dated. Our children spent the night at each others houses. It was going on for years. I had no idea. She divorced her husband and mine divorced me. We were married for 26 years. They are now openly together and everyone knows what happened. My children enjoy hers and everyone is getting along. Many don’t seem to mind. Some do though and they are my friends. They are getting married in October. I want their marriage to fail but I doubt it will. They say they are soul mates. They say it was Gods plan for them to be together. My husband was an atheist/agnostic? but now he’s found Jesus. I’ve even heard they plan to start a church together but I just can’t believe that one!

    Now I must tell you that I am not without fault although I have never cheated on him. My husband and I were going through a rough patch I guess. He was craving intimacy and I shut him out. I put everything before him……my 2 boys, my friends, my community, my work……all before him and even before God. I think he tried….maybe. I am so ashamed. When I finally realized what was happening it was too late. I had found a years worth of love letters where she wrote about the intimate details of their sex life (I will not go into details but trust me it was almost pornographic). I found thousands of dollars of receipts for gifts. I found lingerie. They both denied the affair to everyone including their families, friends and pastor. They told people I was crazy.

    I am trying so hard to forgive myself and them. I just can’t do it yet. I’m afraid I never will. I believe they have or are trying to repent however they continue to spread lies about me. The latest is that I’m gay and that’s why we divorced. I am trying to hold my head up high and be strong for my boys but it is so hard. I want them to know what she did. I want to know what’s going to happen when they get married. Are they going to think it’s ok to bail when things get tough?

    What if I do find forgiveness? What if they are forgiven? Will we all be in heaven together? I think I’d rather spend eternity in hell than one second in heaven with them? Does that make me crazy or an awful person?

    • Doug June 19, 2013 at 8:45 am #

      This came to our email by mistake…

      “Warrior” writes:

      Lisa. My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel. I don’t get how they can carry on with their lives and be ok. My ex spoke to me today and basically let slip that the OW fights with him about speaking to me and spending time with my kids. At least my kids don’t have to see her at this stage, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to manage that. I can only imagine how it must feel if this woman was your friend and knows you. I pray if he has truly turned to God that he will be convicted and that he will see the truth of his actions. I look around me and see so many people who has married their affair partners and seem happy. I think their relationship must be very shallow and there is always consequence. I think I will see this in my husband’s life when I no longer care.

  36. Strengthrequired June 15, 2013 at 1:49 am #

    Ohhh Lisa, I’m so sorry. You have nothing to be ashamed about, nothing at all. You didn’t do this to your marriage, they did, they also did the exact same thing to her marriage destroyed it.
    Your boys will one day see what really happened. When your ex h and his ow get married , they will see, that marriage needs work, they will never be able to trust each other.
    That will be there living hell. Their love was made from hurting people, and betrayal, and was not made any decent way with morals and dignity, like your was.
    It doesn’t make you a bad person, not at all. The hurt you, they are the ones that need to be worried about their judgment day.
    They would ave to spend the rest o their lives knowing what they did, knowing all the prayers in the world won’t help them truly find god if they keep on sinning, lying, and not seeking forgiveness from those they hurt. Adultery is not acceptable, no matter how they sugar coat their affair, it was wrong in every way.
    Just sit back and find yourself, you find someone that will truly be deserving of you, and be happy. Show your ex h that you dont heed him to make you happy, show him the woman you are, and let him regret his bed he chose to lie in. You will be the one that ends up in a happy relationship, they won’t, it will be just too much work. So sit back and watch it fall apart.

  37. Lisa June 15, 2013 at 11:29 pm #

    Thank you for your kind words. You made my day :) I have been blessed with supportive friends and family and your words echo theirs. Today was a good day.

  38. Strengthrequired June 16, 2013 at 3:42 am #

    Your welcome, I am glad you had a good day. I’m glad you have such wonderful support around you, especially at a time like this.
    Just remember no matter how much they toot their own horn about how wonderful they are, that’s all it is, because they need to put you down, to make their behavior look right, and try and pass it off as meant to be. You cam only imagine the talking that goes on behind their backs, wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall to hear it all?
    Take care andmlook after yourself.

  39. justbecause June 16, 2013 at 5:39 am #

    Lisa, So his affair was going on while he wanted more intimacy with you? I don’t think he really wanted to work on the marriage. You both new your marriage was in trouble. He should have ended his affair (actually he should have never started it!) and worked on his marriage. He knew you would have problems being close, being loving. In fact he counted on just that! He was just trying to justify his own wrongdoings.

    No we are not perfect, but don’t you dare feel guilty.

    How can you feel close to someone when they devalue you by having an extramarital relationship?

  40. Lisa June 20, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    I just wish I could stop blaming myself. I’m not writing here in search of a pity party but I just feel so damn pitiful! I didn’t put our marriage first……that’s on me. How long is this going to last? Why can’t I be done with it already? When I see them together it is so painful to watch I just want to scream! How can they just pretend like it was okay? She pretended to be my friend and stole my life from me! We could have gotten through this…..I know it!

    Today I referred to her as a whore in front of my boys and my youngest asked what that meant and I said that’s a woman who has sex with a married man. To date, I’ve been pretty good at keeping my comments to myself or only sharing them with my adult friends but it just slipped out and I’m not even sorry I said it! I want them to HATE her! I want them to remember our family’s life together….not this! How do I teach them values without telling them what their dad did was horrible? How are they going to learn how to be faithful? Why can’t I stop obsessing about it?

    I’m going to end for now…..thank you all for writing back to me. It’s very comforting.

    • Strengthrequired June 21, 2013 at 7:17 am #

      Lisa, I’m sorry your having a hard tie right now, it’s not a pity party at all.
      Just teach your children that self respect, dignity and honour as well as trustworthiness is an important way to be. Teach them what the difference between what’s right ad wrong, teach them that family comes first, no matter what, respecting others, not to hurt someone else, that’s all any of us can do.
      I wouldn’t worry about what you told your kids, I want my kids to hate the ow too. I don’t ever what them to think it is ok to break a family.

  41. Lisa June 20, 2013 at 11:09 pm #

    I don’t know what I did but somehow my user name was changed from Lisa to lad. I am technically inept too.

    • Doug June 21, 2013 at 6:52 am #

      I went in and changed your publicly displayed name back to Lisa. It was originally set to your user name.

  42. Lisa June 23, 2013 at 1:12 am #

    Thanks.

  43. Rosey July 5, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

    An interesting blog.
    I was left behind with my two teens, while my husband ran off with a 31 year old secretary. He married her 17 months after announcing to me for the first time that our marriage was in trouble, and had, in fact ended. He still denies that she was the reason for leaving, despite the father of the bride confirming at their wedding speech that they had fallen in love in December, a full month before I knew my marriage was in trouble. The affair was probably an EA. From inside and outside the family circle, we appeared to have an Ikea family.
    Eventually, however, I was actually the one who did the most damage to the children. Unable to cope with the shock and despair, any mention of my ex-husband or his wife by the children set me off on a tirade of abuse against the couple. It made my children even more miserable than they already were. The victim can very quickly become the aggressor.
    About 7 months after the split, I finally caught myself. I had to ban all mention of the couple in the household, because I knew I couldn’t restrain myself. About 7 months after the ban and after significant healing, I lifted the ban, and the children are now happy to speak openly in front of them. I am careful never to bad mouth either of them. They seemed genuinely relieved to be able to speak openly.
    The children are the real victims in a situation like this. For instance, my 17 year old suffers from serious trust issues in her relationship with a lovely boy. In her words, how can she trust someone, when the most important man in her life did so much harm, and yet lies and deludes himself into believing that he did no one harm.
    My word of advice is: No matter how badly you were wronged by your ex or the other woman, don’t speak ill of them in front of your kids. Wait until you’re alone with your friends. Their father is still their father. The other woman is someone they need to get along with, or she will end up making their lives miserable.
    Maybe there is karma and they will eventually ‘get what they deserve’. I used to wish them ill, but now their happiness, or not, is largely irrelevant to me. My children’s happiness, however, is paramount.

  44. Disappointed July 6, 2013 at 2:06 am #

    I do not think my h will marry the ow, but I do know she left her husband and is divorcing. I think as soon as the divorce papers are final he will be gone. He has convinced himself that I was never there for him And that I had too many expectations and he comprimised himself to try to meet my expectations at his own expense. they have been carrying on an affair for going on two years but he says no contact since I caught in ea.LIe after lie. he says she has never played games and never made him wait and was just herself and only wanted to know him. I am sure now that she is divorcing that is all just being reinforced. I Tried to tell him that the affair in itself was a game. he won’t admit it. I will have to see them ecstatically happy and bear the acceptance of friends and the humiliation of knowing that everyone will know he chose her and threw me away.

  45. Lisa July 8, 2013 at 11:22 pm #

    Dear Rosey, your husband hurt your children when he lied to you and then left. I think in your heart you know that too. I am a little guilty of saying things in front of my kids too. It’s so hard not to……I have since learned to talk only to my closest friends and family but I sooooooo want my kids and everyone else for that matter to know how he hurt me. I think my kids have forgiven me and yours will too if they haven’t already. I also think they will figure it out eventually. I am still very much in pain and what hurts the most is that they parade around town like what they did was okay and everything is as it should be. They continue to tell lies to justify their behavior and say that it was Gods plan. And worse still is that most people don’t seem to care. I live in a small town and want to scream from the rooftops about all their lies. I want people to shun them and believe me. But I write my feelings here and talk to my friends instead. In the long run I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through it will understand the pain that we feel. So I will end for now and pray that you will have the strength to put one foot in front of the other with a smile on your face :) Fake it till you make it. That’s my new mantra!

    Dear Disappointed, I feel humiliated too……how could we not? Our husbands did choose someone else and threw us away. The depth of that pain in indescribable and no one can understand what it feels like unless it has happened to them. Last summer I saw a therapist and it was the best thing I ever did. I could tell her anything! And believe me, I told her everything…..even things I would not tell anyone else in the world. She truly help me beyond words and I was never into that sort of thing before. If therapy isn’t your thing then surround yourself with supportive friends who will be there for you. I hope tomorrow is a better day :)

  46. Pmathias July 9, 2013 at 5:52 am #

    Hi everyone !
    My husband is been with other woman since a few years i was not aware.
    On the 14 of this month he informed that our 16 year marriage was just a paper and we only have a bond blood referring to my 12 year old daughter.
    I was shock because this is my husband the one i was suppose to die with.
    Few days later he send me a picture of a newborn baby girl, informing me they had a baby.
    He asked me to keep hidden from my daughter because she is not ready to know and when she will be older she will understand.
    I am completely devastated and in pane .
    He is going to Romania with this woman and the baby , I believe she is romanian, and he does not want to have an holiday with us.
    I was honest with my daughter and I have told her the true, she is in pane and sad.
    However she wants to keep a secret waiting till the day he tells her.
    He says that he will provide for us and he will not take anything from our daughter to give to his new child.
    I have been praying many times a day, my hope is with Jesus and our almighty god.
    Please pray for me and give me your advise
    Thank you

  47. Rosey July 9, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

    Hi Lisa,
    Thanks for your support. I am not a religious person myself, but I think any true believer would find your ex-husband’s version of God’s plan pretty flimsy. It must be tough to be in a small town – I was very relieved when my ex moved away. It wasn’t the best thing for the children, but it certainly was for me.
    I do have a smile now, a genuine one at that most of the time. It took a little while, but life is too short to feel all that devastation and despair for long.

  48. Rosey July 9, 2013 at 12:55 pm #

    Dear Pmathias,
    My heart goes out to you. How devastating for both yourself and your daughter.

    You were right to tell her the truth. Had you hidden it from her, she would have resented you for the lie someday. Why should you be responsible for telling your husband’s lies anyway?

    It is so hard to function when this happens but I have a few practical tips. Gather your friends and family around you and take all the support they are willing to give. Also, it sounds brutal, but guilt has a shelf life, so try to get an official financial agreement with your husband as soon as possible, especially since he is moving abroad and has another woman and a baby. I fought through the emotional despair to make sure my children and I were financially secure. At the time I didn’t really care, but I am ever so glad for my actions now. My ex rather regrets his generous financial offer with hindsight, but it’s too late to challenge it.

    And, try through the darkest days to remember that you and your daughter will feel better some day.

    My thoughts are with you.

  49. Warrior July 11, 2013 at 8:32 am #

    Hi everyone. I want to give you an update about my situation. My ex confessed to me that he misses the times we had and that the OW is so not living up to the fantasy he had in his head. Apparently despite her external beauty, she is quite dumb and he misses the conversations we used to have and the sex is also not going so well. I had to giggle inside at the confession. It just helped me to heal.. I don’t want him back. The year and a half I spend hoping and crying and thinking that I don’t measure up because he has the perfect woman after slumming it with me for 12years. What a lie. The grass is hardly ever greener on the other side. Men get pulled in by the lie. A friend of mine recently said: How you walk out of one relationship is how you walk into the next. While I’ve moved on and have been working on getting better he is even at a worst place than he’s been. They are fighting more after living together for 3 months than we ever did. So hang in there ladies. Whatever they are portraying about their new lives. Give it time… maybe they won’t confess like mine did because they are too proud to admit they were pulled in by a lie… :-) Hang in there.. It will get better

  50. Gizfield July 11, 2013 at 10:23 am #

    Thank you for sharing, Warrior. I imagine that would be pretty typical as an outcome for all our spouses if we had set them free. I was reading on facebook one day all the quotes about Karma getting cheaters, etc. I realized due to my never leaving my husband that it won’t happen. Karma, Interrupted. Being an ourcast, losing his family relationship, people knowing what he did, BEING WITH the skanky nasty whore he pursued and seeing each other for what they really are, all Interrupted. I do enjoy daydreaming about it sometimes, lol. Next step for your hub, Warrior, is probably Old Guy at the Club. Lol. I bet thats fun to watch.

  51. Bus August 8, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

    I had an affair. Cheated on my wife with someone we both new. It went on for a long time. Wife and I separated. Reconciled. Problem was, I fell in love with the other woman couldnt get over it. 20 months after reconciling, wife and I separated and are now divorced.

    The other woman, separated from her husband and is in divorce process (not to be with me, that was a long time coming). We have been back together, so now I will call her my girlfriend, and I can see spending my life with her. However, now my kids know it was her I was involved with. Daughter (12) previously was not talking to me. I had a good relationship with my son 15, but he wants nothing to do with me when I am around her. While I know this is a situation my actions created, its nonetheless crushing to me. I have finally told my girlfriend that it will not work out for us. I cannot stand to not be able to be a father to my kids. (they have essentially given me an ultimatum). I am choosing to be involved in my kids lives. My son knows I am hurting and doesnt say much. He wants to keep as much of his life in tact as possible. I cant blame him. My conscience and quest to still be a good father have daily/hourly/minute to minute fights with the feelings of love for my girlfriend. PAIN. I hope this all plays out the right way in the end.

    • Strengthrequired August 8, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

      Bus, I’m trying to be kind here, so forgive me if I come across harsh, or not understanding to your situation.
      I’m sorry that your marriage broke down and ended up in separation.
      Yet I think you are doing the right thing by not keeping a relationship going with your “girlfriend”
      Your children are hurting, and it’s hard to face when you know you were the one that caused all this hurt. You now need to start protecting them, they lost their security with you, they relied on you as a protector of their family, yet you chose this ow over them. That is how they see it.
      You can’t blame them for not wanting anything to do with this “girlfriend” of yours, she destroyed their family, she hurt their family, their mother. She didn’t care about your children, she didn’t care about hurting their mother, all she wanted was you and didn’t care who was hurt while getting what she wants.
      If this girlfriend of yours left her husband, and wanted to sound her life with you, do you honestly believe that you can make it through together for the rest of your lives? Do you think that her betrayal of her husband and family, and your betrayal of your wife and family won’t end up being repeated?
      How
      If you think that it will last, how do you honestly know? How can you trust each other to not do the same thing if something better comes along?
      Was she worth hurting your children over?

      Sorry if what I said offended. I do hope you can repair the damage caused between you and your children. All the best

    • Warrior August 18, 2013 at 3:36 pm #

      Hi Bus. It is very brave of you to come on this forum so I’ll be as kind as possible. I have 2 kids that are so hurt because of their father’s selfish actions. My girls 13 and 10 don’t want anything to do with the girlfriend and they won’t even greet her. My ex forced them to greet her and now my eldest refuses to spend time with him even if he wants to take them out. He is hurt by their behaviour but also won’t give up on his girlfriend. All I’m saying is a woman really worth losing your kids for? He doesn’t even know if it will last because they argue a lot. She is trying to manipulate him concerning the kids saying they have bad manners…So she is stirring. This has nothing to do with their manners. Can anyone really force them to speak to someone who changed their life and split their lives down the middle. There’s always a price to pay and unfortunately it is the kids who pay.

  52. Lois August 23, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

    Well, My story is a bit scary..My husband and I were married for 21 years. He started conversing with his High School sweetheart. She has been married 5 times! he started keeping things to himself, he was consistantly adgitated all the time. Something was wrong, at the time we had a 13 year old and a seventeen year old. i asked him one morning what was up, he said that he was unhappy and it was not about me, it was about him and wanted to move out to see if he could survive on his own. Come to find out he was hording his money just to do that. I went to phone records and called a number he had been texting late at night. It was her! Called her and she finally gave me a shout back telling me how difficult it was to call me and tell me I was more her type, she was a lesbian. Right, they both went on with this game, he even telling me that if I did not trust him, he could never come home. Finally I early one morning went to his apartment and yes she had spent the night. Of course he continued to lie about thier relationship, I found out she had done this before and that I could not win. She was a Sociopath, a woman who has no boundries. He is convienced that they are meant to be, always loved each other. This is why all her relationships have failed. He is angry all the time, calls me names and he left! We lost everything, he lied to our kids who we raised Catholic, they love him but have no respect for his continued behavior. She moved in with him less than 6 months after he left, my kids found out on a visiting trip to his apartment where she told them she loved thier father and his home was hers and she wanted respect. He told them he loved her as muchas he loved them, they found this to be a very difficult statement. We were divorced November 1st, they were married April 28th. The kids found out on Facebook. Shocking! Selfish! His continued excuse for his actions to the kids now is, when you get older you will understand. They both bombard me with harrassing e-mails of anger because the kids are stand offish. it’s crazy. She manipulates his every being, Money, sends me e-mails in his name, constantly threatening me with court because my daughter who is 15 refuses forced visitation. I am trying to move on, be resonable, but some days its just hard!!

  53. Lois August 23, 2013 at 2:57 pm #

    Reading that I am not alone helps, but also hurts me that this has been done to other’s.

  54. Rosey August 23, 2013 at 4:22 pm #

    Actually, Lois, you really seem to have your act together. I agree, sometimes it is so difficult. A close friend of mine from my school days had his wife leave him for another man. She continually harrasses him, despite it being 3 years on and is horrendous to her children. Their daughter, now in her late teens, refuses to have anything to do with her. My friend, however, always maintains calm, and despite the abuse levied at him, doesn’t react (well, react much). As a consequence – 3 years down the line the children want nothing to do with the mother who lies, is abusive and destroyed her family, whereas my friend now enjoys a healthy, strong relationship with both of them. I guess we just have to bite our tongues, and let the kids choose their path, protecting them where we can. It is so sad though, that our children are the ones who take the brunt of the rejection and lies. My own daughter is so conflicted in her relationship with her father. I really wish she were young enough for me to shield her from the conflict.

  55. Lois September 10, 2013 at 10:48 am #

    After what I have been through and my kids. I don’t respect my X anymore. He is not worth my consideration. Somedays I find myself sad by the loss of my family unit. But what is done is done. I can do this! I will do this and be successful. God has a plan for me. I will follow his judgement.

  56. Liz October 26, 2013 at 7:34 pm #

    I know this thread is old however I’m glad I stumbled upon it. It gives me hope that one day the OW will get her payback. My dad had an affair 4 years ago. I was a senior in highschool. My parents got divorced and the OW moved into my childhood home. I still lived with my dad during this time because I could not live with my mother. They are still together and I resent her deeply. My parents had problems in their marriage and should have divorced long ago. However this was no excuse for an affair. The OW always tells me I didn’t break up you’re parents marriage. She thinks its fine that she slept with my father while my mom sister and me had no idea he was having an affair. From a (17 year old at the time) point of view it shattered my world when I found out. I know my father is at fault as well but children can forgive their parents. I have no obligation to forgive the OW. The author is correct children will always hate the OW no matter what. Especially if the OW acted shady. this woman has never apologized or even tried to say “hey i know why you dont like me” and try to resolve things. The OW was not forced to have an affair with my dad. She CHOOSE too! The worst part is she has children and she told her children it was ok what she did because my father had an unhappy marriage. All the lies and deceit are horrible. I really hope one day she feels the pain that she put my sister my mother and me through. I know my dad will cheat on her at some point I have to wait for time to play out. I’m glad my dad hasn’t married her. people tend to think affairs only affect the BW. It affects the children if not more than the betrayed spouse. I go to therapy for my anger and resentment but it still lingers. I get reoccuring nightmares about the OW. I believe I almost had some sort of PTSD from the ordeal. The feelings of being upset come and go it never stops though. The worst part for me is that she really thinks she did not do anything wrong. I feel like some OW’s aren’t human or defiantly lack empathy.

    • Rosey November 2, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

      I’m really sorry to hear what you are going through Liz.

      My daughter was 15 when my now ex ran off with a young woman. Two years later, she told me something which gives me hope for my childrens’ future.

      My daughter is similar in many ways to my ex. After struggling with his impact his just walking out on her brother, herself and me, she has realised that she herself would be at risk of just slinking away. However, having seen what her fathers actions did to us, she said if she gets married she will at least fight for the relationship to work, rather than sticking her head in the sand to problems, and then running away from them.

      She still has a good relationship with her father despite all the hurt.

      Parents may mess up, but it doesn’t mean the children need to make the same mistakes.

  57. Lois October 28, 2013 at 7:28 am #

    Wow! I am so sorry. Did I say I had a 15 year old daughter and a 20 year old son? I would like to offer you some advice. Don’t worry anymore about her getting hers someday. Start living your life happy with concerns for yourself. My 15 year old has no resentment towards the other woman, she has no respect for her. She has made up her mind that she will except her but is learning in life how to be. She will not be like this woman. Nothing like her. Pick and choose. Let this woman and every other woman make who you are. Its unfortunate but my kids have lost so much respect for their father. Its crazy how all he has to do is say I am sorry for what he put them through. Things would move foreward much quicker. He does not put them first at all. The OW now wife has ahold on him so tight he cannot even make plans. He is angry all the time and blames me. Curses at me. Don’t get it? She has been married 5 times he is 6. I don’t want her to leave him. Don’t want him banging on my door. I’m moving on. Has your Dad apologized? For not why he left but how. Or the lies? What’s up with your Mom? This worries me.

  58. Alex November 2, 2013 at 10:26 am #

    We were not married, but engaged to be married. Lived together for 3 years. And luckly we had no kids. We had arguements and i was blamed for a lot of things that happened in his mind only. I was fighting with depression and to save the relationship too, while he wasa accusing me constantly i do not understand his emotional needs (because i cought him talking to other girls on Facebook). It was always my fault. One time he went out of town to visit his parents. His answers on the phone were odd to me and i knew something was not ok. I got angry…and i packed his bags. To be honest i wanted to see him fight for our relationship one time. OF COURSE he “then” decided to move out and “work on our relationship” because he felt insecure i packed his bags. 2 weeks we both searched for an appartment to suit his needs. And i felt so quilty….accusing him and making him feel unwanted. We still lived together in that time…still had intimate time. 2 days after the visit to his parents some money magicly appeared in his account from a woman. “just a friend” he says…. to help me with the situation….. i old her you threw me out (again to make me feel guilty). He moved out….for a whome month he called me with all kind of syupid questions about the household (detergent, grocery lists bla bla). So i said…ok …he needs help in the start. Came home few times, we had some romantic and intimate dates this time…just to find out after a while that from the day he left this house he had moved in with that OW who sent him the money, that he visited his parents with her, and that they were having an emotional affair for months. BUT i was the one guilty, pushing him to do this because i didn’t understand his needs (tjhere was always something more to his needs no matter what i did).
    After i found out he still texted me, meeting me, wanting to “work out” on us… 2 am love texts…. 3000 texts in 4 mnths and tens of hours of Facebook chat, plus some face to face dates. They left for a holiday together…. and that is when all hell broke loose. She started posting an all social networking proofs of their love and relationship ..since it had begun… photos of them, but common friends tagged so i could see them…. he did that too. When they came back i put a stop to his calling and lies.

    The things is now i know he was blaming me just to hide his affair, but ..i know it in my head, still can’t get over it. And i do not understand this need of rubbing it to my face.
    I gained a lot of weight during my depression and i also lost a lot of it since this is happening (july). My self confidence is on teh rocks and nothing i do seems to work. I just can’t get over the feeling that i want to hang them somewhere, skin them alive and let them to dry or be eaten alive by crows

    And i can’t seem to find the strenght to pull myself together.
    She had a previous relationship with a married man …She claims she was hurt because she didn’t know for 6 monts (i call BS on that because she was living in a rather small town and when you start dating someone …you gotta be somewhat dumb not to see signs of that in 6 months). They are perfect together….a man who cheats and a woman who’s accepting cheating. I might sound mean and unforgiving but i hope Karma will do her job on these 2.

    • Lois November 3, 2013 at 8:09 am #

      We were not married, but engaged to be married. Lived together for 3 years. And luckly we had no kids. We had arguements and i was blamed for a lot of things that happened in his mind only. I was fighting with depression and to save the relationship too, while he wasa accusing me constantly i do not understand his emotional needs (because i cought him talking to other girls on Facebook). It was always my fault. One time he went out of town to visit his parents. His answers on the phone were odd to me and i knew something was not ok. I got angry…and i packed his bags. To be honest i wanted to see him fight for our relationship one time. OF COURSE he “then” decided to move out and “work on our relationship” because he felt insecure i packed his bags. 2 weeks we both searched for an appartment to suit his needs. And i felt so quilty….accusing him and making him feel unwanted. We still lived together in that time…still had intimate time. 2 days after the visit to his pare
      nts some money magicly appeared in his account from a woman. “just a friend” he says…. to help me with the situation….. i old her you threw me out (again to make me feel guilty). He moved out….for a whome month he called me with all kind of syupid questions about the household (detergent, grocery lists bla bla). So i said…ok …he needs help in the start. Came home few times, we had some romantic and intimate dates this time…just to find out after a while that from the day he left this house he had moved in with that OW who sent him the money, that he visited his parents with her, and that they were having an emotional affair for months. BUT i was the one guilty, pushing him to do this because i didn’t understand his needs (tjhere was always something more to his needs no matter what i did).
      After i found out he still texted me, meeting me, wanting to “work out” on us… 2 am love texts…. 3000 texts in 4 mnths and tens of hours of Facebook chat, plus some face to face dates. They left for a holiday together…. and that is when all hell broke loose. She started posting an all social networking proofs of their love and relationship ..since it had begun… photos of them, but common friends tagged so i could see them…. he did that too. When they came back i put a stop to his calling and lies.

      The things is now i know he was blaming me just to hide his affair, but ..i know it in my head, still can’t get over it. And i do not understand this need of rubbing it to my face.
      I gained a lot of weight during my depression and i also lost a lot of it since this is happening (july). My self confidence is on teh rocks and nothing i do seems to work. I just can’t get over the feeling that i want to hang them somewhere, skin them alive and let them to dry or be eaten alive by crows

      And i can’t seem to find the strenght to pull myself together.
      She had a previous relationship with a married man …She claims she was hurt because she didn’t know for 6 monts (i call BS on that because she was living in a rather small town and when you start dating someone …you gotta be somewhat dumb not to see signs of that in 6 months). They are perfect together….a man who cheats and a woman who’s accepting cheating. I might sound mean and unforgiving but i hope Karma will do her job on these 2.

  59. Liz November 3, 2013 at 8:42 pm #

    Sorry it took awhile to get back to those who replied.
    Lois-My dad has never really apoligized he just said he should have done things differently. He claims he wanted a divorce and had to cheat on my mom becuase that was the only way she would leave him (to me however its bs, he should have had the decency to tell her he wanted a divorce). My mom is moving on but is still hurt she dosent date yet but i don’t blame her. Her and my father were married for 25 years and she trusted him and he betrayed her.
    ~Bottom line the spouse who cheats and the OW are both selfish people. They are only cheating for their own gain and their own needs while they hurt others in the process. People need to man up and tell their significant others that they want out of the relationship before it gets to that point. There is no excuse for cheating. What really makes me sick is when the OW really thinks that she is some special person. In my opinion if the OW ain’t special because clearly she couldn’t find a happy, confident single man. Instead these OW find men who are having problems in their relationships. They have to find unhappy people because probally those whom are happy with themselves can see the true personalities of these women.

    ~Also as a solace for all those affected by an other woman most men cheat with a woman who is less attractive than their spouse. In my dad’s case I can honestly say this is true. the woman my dad cheated with smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day, swears like a sailor, wears mens clothling, has a deep manlike voice, and looks 10 years older than my father despite being 10 years younger than him, and has a very “rough” appearance. Most of my friends describe her as an old bar whore. (I’m am being 100% honest in my description it sounds absurd however it is the truth and it baffles me to this day what my father saw in her) She was complete opposite of my mother. So hence the above description these woman are truely despereate and have to latch on to whatever they can find. I think some of them try to make the man feel sorry for them. Especailly if the man is not happy with his wife, these woman are so desperate for affection that they use this to their advantage, they pretend to be sweet and they all have some sort of sob backstory in order to gain the mans attention.

    • Rachel November 24, 2013 at 5:19 pm #

      Liz,
      You are 100% right on all of your descriptions .
      So sorry you are going thru this terrible ordeal.
      Stay strong.

  60. Sandra November 23, 2013 at 5:39 pm #

    This is the first itme I wrote on columns such as this. I have been married for 3 yrs..but my husband decided he doesn’t want us to continue and has asked me to let him go just over a moth ago via email. You see, he works overseas and will be gone months at a time..
    I know the distance will always give people the chance to not be faithful but he was the who really chose to work abroad rather than just stay with me and make us work.. I live in a country where there is no divorce. Anybody who would read his letter will find it very selfish as it is full of “HIM and HIS NEEDS”. We both married rather late..I in my late 30s and him in his mid40s..we don’t have kids yet but we tried for months with low success.

    I know his email PW then and 4mos prior to his goodbye letter, I found out that he got interested with a female co-worker and they regularly exchanged msgs. I thought of it nothing at first bcos my H is a really friendly guy and has the tendency to email and chat with people. But this Sept. I read intimate msgs bet.the OW (21y.o) and my H (49) about being in hotels and places tog. My heart sank..I couldn’t eat, sleep…lost 20lbs and would have occasional migraines.. I found out, too that they have been intimately messaging ea other thru Skype..I decided to delete my account so as to stop seeing them and help myself to heal…

    I am presently taking counseling from our local church and have been active in reading the Word. I don’t have any siblings and my parents are both very old (80s)…so you can imagine my sheltered life.. I only wanted to have a simple life..a loving home..a family…I don’t want to grow old alone… I’m taking ea day at a time but it’s not an easy journey… I miss feeling ‘normal’ again…and I feel so lonely…

    • Doug November 25, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

      Sandra, I’m so sorry to hear about what you have experienced and of your husband’s desire to end your marriage. Continue to be good to yourself and stick with your counseling. It is not an easy journey but you can find happiness again.

    • Lois November 26, 2013 at 6:58 am #

      Wow! It just never changes. Men, selfish uncaring. Inconsiderate. What amazes me is that there is no honesty, no compassion for someone who they said I love you to. Why can’t they just say we need to work something out this is not what we signed up for. Lets get help. No they have to cheat and hurt, not put themselves in our place. Its selfish! Just know, it will happen to them. I know this is not comforting right now but believe me karma is a bitch! Do this, I am currently working on it as well, send yourself love, you will be fine with time. Its hard to imagine, believe me. But right now, it is what needs to take place. He is not worth it. Someone told me more than once,he is taking up space in your heart and soul rent free. Lets not allow it anymore. You are young, you have no time to waste! Live, find happiness.

  61. Ann November 30, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

    In my case the OW has my two daughters poisoned thinking I was horrible to my ex husband and thank God for her she saved him. I hate them both for what they have done to my marriage and to the lies and poison they tell my girls. I know it’s wrong but I wish the other woman dead every day.

    • Sandra December 5, 2013 at 3:49 am #

      Ann..I’m so sorry to hear about what the OW has been doing to your girls. It only goes to show how selfish and untrustworthy these women are. They need to tell all sorts of lies only to appear good and gain favor from other people and worst even lying to children!

      I believe in the Law of Sowing and Reaping.. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life”… (Galatians 6:7-8).

      Try and focus more on yourself and daughters…

      Things aren’t always what they seem. They may appear to be “happy” now BUT…Whatever injustice and evil these people (OW/OM/even OUR OWN SPOUSES) did to you and to ALL the betrayed Hs/Ws here… THEY will in turn REAP what they Sowed..MORE than they Sowed…LATER than they Sowed.

  62. Jorge November 30, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

    I am 40, my wife is 42. We have 5 year old twins, 10, 14 and 21. My grandaughter us 10 months old. We would if celebrated her 1st birthday and our anniversary together.

  63. Sandra November 30, 2013 at 8:00 pm #

    Thanks Doug and Lois. The hardest part would be the early dawns when you wake up that hurts the most and reality hits you like being run over by a bus…it’s during these times when you realize…he’s really gone…

    I’ve been alone all my life and I’m tired of it…but I’m still trying to enjoy my own company whether it be watching tv or listening to my music while driving…

    It’s only about over a month since DDay and it comes in like waves…one time I feel ok, the next time I just want to die and disappear.. I think I’m still in denial..there are times I feel angry but I know it’s not full blown hate but more of “angry-hurt”…

    Jorge..we are almost the same age but I’m afraid I won’t be able to relate much since we didn’t have kids and I’m sure it would have been much harder if we had..although I must say, I wish I had even one child who I can love and be my inspiration to go on and be better… But then again, God has good reasons…

    • jorge November 30, 2013 at 9:44 pm #

      all situations are different but thanks to my wife and the fact that she gas gone out of her way to continue hurting me , it is becoming easier to continue without her. now, I’m not saying that i don’t love her or that I’ve stopped crying for her but it doesn’t happen as often as before. i also keep reminding myself that the woman who was my wife and the mother of my children stopped existing 4 months ago. that person now only lives in my heart and in my memories. keep yourself busy, go out, learn to live with your singleness. i also have a great Christian counselor and i also found a divorce care, a divorce recovery group. i know you don’t have children and in a way that is a blessing. my children have to live with the fact that they don’t have a mommy and a daddy to do things with together, as a family. they will never again see all of us together opening presents for christmas, cutting a turkey, celebrating mothers day or fathers day. the smallest of things will never be the same, like jumping in between both of us after a bad dream. they will never again know what a family unit is and no matter if we remarry it will never be the same.

  64. chris December 9, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

    As an betrayed husband whose exwife now lives with (over 2 years, about 4 more during our marriage), but is not married to, her affair partner I just want to say a few things (I have 50/50 custody of our three kids, handled the divorce amicably, and take the high road at every turn):

    1) This article is not accurate in many cases. I don’t know what percent of the cases where this article is accurate, but it is far less than 100%.

    2) This article represents the ‘we need to think justice is done/kharma exists/people are held accountable for their actions’ writers and readers who need comfort.

    When the grieving read articles like this, it helps us believe things will be ok, that there is order in the world, and life is fair. Things will be okay, but it has nothing to do with what happens to the people who have wronged you. There is order in the world, but it doesn’t match the order that we crave/need/want. Life is fair, but not in the ways that we need it to be.

    My ex wife lacks the capacity to process what happened (long term affair, lying, cheating, brainwashing, gaslighting, blameshifting, etc.) because of SELF PRESERVATION. She can, and will, maintain a world where she did nothing wrong, it was all my fault, and the life she leads provides her happiness and is perfect. She can maintain that belief and, therefore, it is reality and is true. None of the authors claims have any relevance in that world. I think people underestimate the power of creating our own realities when facing the alternative requires pain/effort/work/growth as it does when facing the repercussions of an affair destroying a family. I believe a great percentage of infidelity based divorces will into the same category as my ex wife.

    And the funny thing is, except for MY inability to live in the world she has carved out for herself, our coparenting is excellent. If I could fully ‘get over it’ and fully ‘move on’ (I am doing very well but still struggle) all would, indeed, be well.

    I truly believe that articles such as this only perpetuate the false hope for accountability and closure that simply does not often exist. I see these articles as doing more damage than good, in the long run. I appreciate that it is helpful to consider that not all affairs end well, but to suggest that wrongdoing ultimately is resolved is misleading, outdated, and simply obnoxious. I am sorry if my opinion offends people or bursts anyone’s bubble.

    • Rosey December 10, 2013 at 5:22 am #

      Hi Chris,
      My situation sounds similar to yours and I agree with all your comments but one. I don’t believe that these types of forums are damaging. You correctly identified that they create hope, a false hope, but hope nonetheless. Hope and faith have helped many people survive their darkest moments, and I remain unconvinced that false hope is any less useful than realistic hope to get through a crisis.
      Two years on, and I struggle with issues of residual pain and feelings of betrayal and grief. However, I will be happy and already am the majority of time. Not because my ex will ‘get what’s coming to him’, but because I will fight for my own and my children’s happiness. I will attain sufficient closure to embrace life and live it to its fullest.

    • Angel July 22, 2014 at 5:21 am #

      I agree with you, Chris.

      Unfortunately, your words hit the reality button.

      My fiancé(of a fifteen year relationship) left me and my children without a backwards glance.

      He was our hero.

      We were wrong.

      He is a coward-and the smallest of men.

      Three weeks later my sister in law, my brother’s wife-one of my best friends, left my brother. He informed me that he thought ‘they’ were together.

      I didn’t believe him til we caught them ourselves. Once we knew-we turned our backs on them.

      My ex is with my brothers wife-raising his 2 nephews. It will be two years in September. I lost everything I had ever worked for. House, business-everything.

      He has made no contact with me or the children he raised.

      They live in a world where they think they deserve to be together and both myself and my brother were monsters if you believe the whispers.

      This helps them justify their actions, I guess.

      But, I know who I am-I know how I loved them both. I can look in the mirror without guilt every day and I wonder if they can-but I know deep down that they just don’t see what they have done to people who once loved them so deeply.

      My children, my amazing three young adults and I are doing ok now. We are still a family, without him.

      But I will never forget-

      The pain was past any word I can give it.

      I do not trust the word ‘love’. I just don’t trust at all really.

      I have not contacted him-he just wants what’s left of the measly money that remains under lockdown until a settlement of debt is reached.

      My lawyer says he and she have a God complex-they crush people and move on selfishly without a seconds thought and then want all the cash after the fallout to pay for their newly deserved life together. Shame the cash left is mostly going to being paying off debts. I am starting again at 48. I feel used. Lied to.
      He once said not long before he left that if something were to happen to me he would become a hermit.

      My ex likes other men’s’ wives, children and most of all, their money.

      My brother is doing great though-he met a kind woman who surprisingly I adore, a fine step up from this families end….it is a good love to witness-and I’m happy for him.

      I concentrate on my new job and see my children as much as I can-the only karmic fallout seems to have come my way really. It’s been a long hard road while they project a life of deserved bliss.

      Only when they meet their maker will these two see the destruction of pain they have caused.

      In between this, I simply try to get on a day at a time- they are dead to my family.

  65. Paula December 9, 2013 at 3:56 pm #

    chris, I think you make a wonderful point. I agree 100%. Karma, etc, whilst nice little pipe dreams, do not really exist. Yes, sometimes bad things happen to those who deliberately hurt others, and sometimes bad things happen to good people, sometimes good things happen to cheaters, and sometimes good things happen to good people. Life has a great deal of randomness. The person who was supposed to be one of my oldest friends, who knowingly and deliberately caused me great distress and pain, will NEVER know what that pain feels like, as she cannot feel anything deeply. The father of my children knows all to well what he did, and is very remorseful and has been incredibly supportive, but it cannot undo what he did, sadly. You just have to do as you have, and live the best life for you, and your children. What happens/doesn’t happen to the cheaters is irrelevant – no matter how much we will bad stuff to happen to them, lol. I really like your point.

  66. Jim December 9, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

    Chris is so spot on. We were married 26 years, I discovered she was having an affair that had been going on for 5 years. I had my suspicions ,but her response was he was just a good friend, I nailed her with a DNA test and she finally came clean. Two families were destroyed, he had been married for 40 years to his high school sweetheart. She has never shown any remorse and lives a fantastic life, I on the other hand have just declared bankruptcy and am fighting for everything I have, not a good place to be at 65 years old. Wishing her ill will does no one any good, it is what it is, sometimes you just have to accept the fact you got wronged, and no one really gives a Damn.

    • blueskyabove December 9, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

      Do you “give a Damn”, Jim? If so, find some way to turn it around. Do this for you.

      • Jim December 9, 2013 at 11:12 pm #

        Not really anymore.

  67. blueskyabove December 10, 2013 at 12:08 am #

    Jim,

    Even though it has been a long time for me since D-Day, and I and my H have fully recovered, I still, STILL feel your pain. Is there ANY possibility of reconciliation, or has your wife totally and irrevocally left the marriage? Have either of you initiated divorce proceedings? I only ask because I am trying to judge your situation. Regardless of what it may look like there are lots of good things that could still happen in your life…either with or without her in it. I know this can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but I would like for you to just consider the possibility that this could happen…nothing more…just consider it.

    • Jim December 10, 2013 at 8:13 am #

      We have been divorced for 2 years. We have spoken once in that time, I have resolved the fact it is over, just so difficult to believe she would do that to me. Very sad that our family unit is no more and never will be again. The betrayal is shattering.

  68. Gizfield December 10, 2013 at 9:36 am #

    Jim, all I csn say is that some people are not what they **present** themselves to be, no matter how long youve known them. The true person eventually comes out. And no, people like your ex rarely give a damn about the damage they cause. It’s all about them !!

  69. Rachel December 10, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

    Boy giz, that is so true. Some people are not what they present . I think that has to be the most painful to swallow. An empty promise.
    Jim, I understand how you feel about the family unit. It hurts so much.
    Who have these people become? The betrayal makes my heart ache.
    But, I am not benifitting myself wallowing in this pain.
    Sometimes when my ex husband enters my mind I have to force him to leave it just as he left me. Keeping busy helps.

  70. Sandra December 11, 2013 at 1:50 am #

    I found a lot of the talk about ‘moving on’ very unhelpful as it was always tinged with the suggestion that I wasn’t trying hard enough, which just added to the guilt that I felt that somehow the breakdown of my marriage was all my fault..and now I was failing at getting over it! You don’t just “move on” – your spouse and your marriage was part of your life – and I am sure for a long time a very positive part of your life..

    A friend once told me that TIME really is the biggest healer – it takes as long as it takes and there’s no “right” amount of time to spend grieving, but slowly you start to find yourself less hurt and angry about what happened.

    I believe we all need to give ourselves time and space to find a new way of living that no longer include our spouses in the way it did before.. We need to be kind to ourselves..

    I would agree with the advice to find someone to talk to – whether from any local church, friends or professional help – and do as much as you can to draw yourself out of your isolation so that you can stop agonising over your spouse and the OW/OM. Slowly, over time – and it will take time – by God’s Grace, the world will not look so bleak…

    I do terribly miss my husband but I also want to believe that YOU don’t need another person to justify YOUR existence.

    You are a fantastic person in your own right!!

  71. Judy February 1, 2014 at 12:53 pm #

    First, I am a Christian. I have been through the trenches and valley’s. I am slowly after five years climbing back out. There are reasons…..
    I was married for 22 years, the last six months my ex-H, met the OW at work. Everybody in his unit, USAF/AGR, was doing it, like a big orgie! We would hear the stories and be disgusted, obviously not.
    The last three months was abusive for me. He got a new Blackberry from work, have my 20 year old daughter his new one. He forgot to erase it all! Their were emails, and pics! My poor little girl had to see it all! He then told me, “I want a divorce.” I would punt to nothing, and I was worthless!” This was before I knew about the blackberry.
    My daughter, God Bless her, took matters into her own hands and had our Pastor, Associate Pastor, friends, etc, intervene. NOTHING! Stone Cold! Denied the Affair, because he could of gotten Article 15 in the Military. Go backwards…. This OW, as we call her, befriended my daughter and I. She invited our family to her husband and her house. They were married by the JP, now having a big wedding down in LA. My daughter had recently become engaged, so this OW, offered my daughter her dress, utensils, etc.. My daughter was so excited! FAST FOWARD… CRUSHED, BETRAYED.. You name it….
    I went through hell but with Christ I became STRONGER! I was harassed daily by them both. Fast Forward… My daughter flew to CA married her Marine, he deployed. FAST Forward… He came back, we had the big wedding, her father was not present. She became pregnant, first grandchild, life was AMAZING, God is GOOD! SIL becomes Deputy in our County, I still being harassed, even though ex by now and OW have moved away. The unit they were in wanted them gone! Ex was caught stealing from Non Commisioned officer. My ex is an Officer, so is OW.
    Anyways, daughter announces second Pregnancy, life is great, active again in church, going to counseling, working like crazy. And then, my AMAZING GOD LOVING SIL was murdered! My heart breaks everyday! My daughter went into labor that night and naturally, she wanted her, “Daddy!” I called, he came, and had the wedding band on. A flood of emotions were hitting me….
    I prayed and asked The Lord for, “Grace.” I had asked the doctors to allow him to be in the delivery room with us, he was… “GRACE!” FORGIVE Him. It’s not about me Lord, it’s about YOU!
    He was able to witness the birth of our second grandchild. God is good!
    And then.. The games began again…. The OW was harassing my daughter and he was allowing it. Ow wanted to be at the funeral, at the burial, at the trial, etc… It went on…
    He backed her up, while my grieving lil girl was a mess! I would receive calls again. Finally, last year I changed my number.
    Finally, this year I am able to work on me… I am going to Divorcecare, after attending Griefshare 3 x’s. I am also seeing a counselor, 5 th one. I want to heal. I do want to completely Forgive, and for my grandchildren to know their grandfather, i am so afraid of the harassment and abuse! My daughter and I are very close, as well as my grandchildren. I see the pain in her eye’s. and yes, she is a STRONG BELIEVER as well, and goes to counseling herself.

  72. Judy February 1, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

    I wanted to add that my ex fooled so many in the church, at work. When it came time to re-appear at the funeral he asked for forgiveness from many. It did not last long. What I will say, “The Lord is the only one that KNOWS someone’s heart.” Who am I to judge, I can’t, I am a sinner just like him, SAVED by GRACE! I would be dead today if it were not for my Faith in Jesus! There is HOPE Y’all!

  73. Rita February 18, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

    I am a betrayed wife and soon to be divorced, I can barely put in words how it made me feel to learn afterwards that my children have to be around the person who helped destroy the relationship that I so honored I took marriage seriously I did not plan on seeing my husband with another woman, he could not give any explanation as to why he destroyed our happy family except (I wanted to have my cake and eat it too) which was pathetic to me I refused and still to this day 6 years of separation have had a conversation with him I have nothing to say to him at all oh he has tried numerous times to buddy up to me but I do not need him as a friend or do I want to be friendly with him. My children are old enough thank God to speak and spend time with him the oldest ages 22 and 24 barely have any contact with him because they cannot stand the site of the OW my 14 year old still spend weekends with him and does not seem to crave his attention and often says he feels sorry for his father, I do not speak bad of him I just feel there is no need to communicate with him the pain he caused me and the children was enough and I don’t ever want to give him the opportunity to disregard my love or feeling again to be cordial to him would be like giving someone a loaded gun to shot me after they have already shot me already. I wish for him to just avoid me altogether that would make my life even more wonderful. As for her she does not matter she is a catfish, a bottom feeder the dirt I walk on.

  74. Bentouttashape June 10, 2014 at 11:35 am #

    My wife at the time did the whole thing. Started working out, keeping cellphone away, answering calls in the bathroom. She was definitely seeing someone, but I do not know if she slept with them. When confronted she parlayed into a “I don’t love you anymore” stance, and we divorced. We have a 12 year old daughter. The exwife shortly moved her affair partner into the marital home, and married him within 2 years of the divorce.
    I also have 50/50, and since the other man doesn’t work, he gets to spend the summer days with my daughter, taking her to the pool and doing fun things. This, while I sit at work and cope with being a part time dad, part time influence, and scrounging for quality time.
    The ex justified herself, and relies fully on the attitude that she fell out of love with me.
    This concept of “figuring out what you did to help destroy your marriage” is garbage. I was not abusive, not a cheater, held a steady job, was a loving, affectionate husband and Dad, that helped around the house a lot more than most of the husbands of friends she has… but none of that mattered.
    2 years and a few months later, and I still am realizing and discovering new ways in which this whole divorce has negatively affected me. Just as soon as you think you have reached a point of forgiveness, or at least, the pain has subsided and you are dealing with it okay, something new reveals itself, as an consequence of their cheating and destroying your marriage.. and you are merely left to cope with the fallout.
    Now I get to share my daughter with the man that helped destroy my marriage. He doesn’t work, so he gets to spend summer days with her. Nothing in my life prepared me for such injustice and sense of loss. To attempt to live, and have a relationship with your kid where these feelings are not affecting that relationship is very difficult. So far, my ex is having a grand life, new car, pays her new husband’s way for everything, and all I can do is just accept my drastically reduced time with my daughter involved in her life.
    I do not still “love” my ex wife. After awhile you learn to carve that consideration out of your mind, but be wary of resentment taking its place. I haven’t been able to prevent that, and I hate that. More powerlessness. More consequences to cope with. The “Divorce” is far from the end of things…

  75. Gizfield June 26, 2014 at 9:17 am #

    Sarah, I haven’t seen Anita on here in a very long time.probably a couple of years. She was very convinced that her opinions were the right ones, and she repeated them often. I do think her intentions were good and thats all I gonna say.

  76. gizfield July 22, 2014 at 3:41 pm #

    Angel, that is a terrible story. Sorry you went through that. Definitely not normal behavior. Sounds like you are dealing with a couple of psychopaths. Sociopaths, at the least. They are probably “soulmates” but not in a good way. Soulless mates…

  77. gizfield July 22, 2014 at 3:52 pm #

    There is an excellent ebook I’m going to reccomend called Psychopath Free by Peace. $2.99 for Kindle. Explains how these horrible creatures operate. There is also a website of the same name with a lot of the info.

  78. Gizfield July 22, 2014 at 9:43 pm #

    There is one caution to reading about psychopaths/sociopaths. You will suddenly begin to realize that everyone you know, yourself included, lol, might be a psychopath or sociopath. Almost every cheater seems to act like one. And most betrayed spouses seem to as well, at least sometimes. Now, it may be true about a lot of cheaters, from what I’ve seen on here but most betrayed spouses are just showing a natural reaction to an unnatural situation. They say in mental illnesses or personality disorders, if you think you have it, you probably don’t.

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