When the other woman becomes the wife, does it really turn out to be as wonderful as the affair partners thought it would be?  Read more from the perspective of a woman who married her affair partner.

When the other woman becomes the wife

As I mentioned in a post earlier this summer, I not too long ago discovered that a friend of ours – who just recently divorced – suddenly ran off and married his affair partner.

This discovery motivated me to search for some stories of when the other woman becomes the wife.  I found the following on Dr. Willard Harley’s Marriage Builders website.  If you’re not familiar with Dr. Harley, he is the author of several books such as Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.

I feel that this woman’s account of her situation is very powerful and should be read by anyone involved in an affair – especially if they think that a future life with their affair partner will be nothing but a blissful bowl of cherries.

Featured Download: “The Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Affair Partner Now”

If you’re the unfaithful, get it, read it and carefully consider the advice. If you’re the betrayed, give it to your unfaithful spouse.

Of course there are exceptions and a happy marriage to the affair partner is possible, but I think that many of the issues that the author shares will arise in their “new” relationship at some point.  They will no doubt put a lot of stress on the relationship.

When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife

When an Other Woman Becomes the Wife
Chances are that things will get stressful when the other woman becomes the wife.

“My perspective is from that of the other woman (OW) who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up.

You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW [betrayed wife]. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

The Inevitable Downfall of Marrying a Cheater

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

The Social Consequences of Being ‘The Other Woman’

You are going to be labeled as the bitch for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the bitch that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you.

Living with the Aftermath of an Affair

When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are, you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you…you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over.  No longer will you be able to come to somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do Not Think You are Special

DO NOT THINK IT WON’T HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise that you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

It will be impossible to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

The Long Road to Redemption: Seeking Forgiveness and Facing Consequences

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. People will tell you that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that is.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!…”

We’d love to hear your comments and/or related experiences about this author’s words of warning  in the comment section below.

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    757 replies to "When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife"

    • chiffchaff

      Crikey, that’s a fairly damning piece. Not convinced that an OW/OM in the throes of an affair will give two figs about the consequences and what the likely relationship will be like. In the same way that CSs don’t give two figs about the likely consequences.
      I think that the more important points are that a CS leaving for the AP has really taken the easy way out of their personal issues and not addressed them, which is why I presume there’s a belief that CSs will do it again to the AP at some point down the line. That’s a more important consideration for the AP, to stop thinking about how it feels now and start asking ‘why is this person not finishing their marriage first before starting a relationship with me?’ – but that would mean valuing themselves, which I don’t think APs do really. Choosing to be a secret third party simply shows a complete lack of self-esteem (something that took me a long time to realise). BSs may incur a devastating blow to their self-esteem on discovery but at least they weren’t as low as to choose that path in the first place.

      • ocanas

        ChiiChaff, I Completely agree on the ” Choosing to be a secret third party simply shows a complete lack of self-esteem ….” it was SO true in my wife’s affair!

        • Peaches

          The husband I had left me just like he did the first after 25 years for someone else. You reap what you sow. Only the first wife felt sorry for me.

          • Sarah

            Mine made me believe he was in a spare room and only there for the kids. Not all AP’s are evil, but in hindsight we do have low self esteem. I must have to believe someone who I knew deep down was lying.

            If I questioned him though he would yell and break up with me saying I wasn’t compassionate. Of course he was lying, I didn’t find out how much until I ended up with him.

            A word of warning to anyone who thinks they are special. You aren’t. They are lying to their partner and also to you. People that can do this are pretty cold and lack any empathy or respect for anyone else. I feel embarrassed by how many times he must have laughed at me over that time.

            Now I’m with him how do you think I am treated? I am treated the way she was treated I imagine. He believes I shouldn’t be upset that he lied to me, in fact he said I was stupid that I didn’t realise he was lying.

            I’m no longer beautiful – I am no longer the best thing that ever happened to him. I’m not “who he thought I was” and my eyes should be blue, not brown.

            I am in trouble for anything that goes wrong in his life and I am dramatic if I try to communicate that he hurt me.

            No surprises here – he lies, he hides his phone, he disappears when he is away for work, he texts other women, he disappears for hours at a time when he is at home. If I say anything I’m labelled crazy.

            He also said that because he got me he thinks he might be able to get better now, that I’ve given him confidence out of his marriage.

            I’ve been used financially and emotionally to prop him up through this process and now he sees the settlement and the divorce in his sights he sees a taste at freedom and all the other girls he can have.

            Heed my warning – listen to your gut, listen to your friends, listen to your family. Don’t let my story happen to you. I cry every day. If he will do it with you, he will do it to you. What kind of a person cheats and lies? A cheater and a liar that’s who.

            I’ll leave soon, hopefully very soon.

            Take care everyone.

            • Maggie

              Narcissistic personality disorder

        • Sam

          What happened with your wife’s affair, did it last???

        • Diamond Lopez

          I am a very forgiving compassionate Women. I have been through extensive therapy for a couple years. My now 17 year old Son is barely beginning to feel safe enough to speak with me again. The Affair Partner and my Ex husband lied to him so much he went a lota crazy for a few years. Trying to get revenge on his Dad and step mother bitch who wrecked a happy home. No not perfect but damed near!…
          We were a Good family a strong family intact!
          But the demon bitch thought she was better than me. He is unhappily married to his affair partner Very insecure and she too. He even calls her a bitch in front of our two children. They both deserve the bitter miserableness but I only feel sorry for our kids and the step kids… The Affair Partners Own Sons call her a whore! They hate their step Daddy! My ex it was a very bad decision and neither retarded idiot stopped to think how this would affect or effect the kids involved!… My ex told our children that she makes him happy… He failed to tell our children he still loved me. And failed to tell them he had an affair on his brand new wife with me. Not because I have low self esteem. Nope she needed to go through what she put me through. See for herself just exactly what kind of man My ex really is…lmfao I don’t feel any regret no remorse for fucking up her marriage …she never did for me so Karma came and hit her like LoL
          ilent run away Train… I know it He knows it God knows the truth. Mr Lopez is a cheater and will never stop…LoL
          I was hitting what already was mine… She is in a fake marriage to my husband he still wants and loves me. I’m baby’s mama she could never take my place. LoL
          That’s Karma bitches I won’t ever let up just like she didn’t… I’m gonna get with her baby daddy too

          • Danni

            Yes, the AP can always say “no, not with me, you don’t” but I just can’t understand why the wives don’t see it is 1000%, the husband. I was an AP, but I didn’t know he was living with a woman for whom he had left his prior 2x ex-wife. He wasn’t even married to her, but when I learned he lived with someone, whom he then said , “I love her and I am never leaving her”, and that answer was to a question I hadn’t even asked, I ended it. He had told me, “I think I love you, in person and via email. I was badly wounded-5 years and still healing. It’s really hard and long when you think you love someone. Serendipity, the ex-wife and I found each other and lo and behold-this man was a many, many times serial cheater. Imagine that. Surprise. He is with the AP and cheats on her-with me. There is no getting away from it-once a cheater, always one, till green peas are dripping down his chin while being spoon fed in his wheelchair. Or, maybe not, cuz if he still has his mental faculties, he could cheat in an emotional affair if not physically. These are people who have true diagnosable character disorders. But, they fool normal people, because trusting someone is normal, until you reason to distrust the individual. So, I was hurt, but I am still blessed because G-D made me normal.

            • Sadmom

              Not always. My ex never had moves. I know it was her. And she knew he was married with 3 little girls, their picture on his dashboard every day she climbed into his truck, manipulating him, regardless, to believe he deserved more and was being held back by “us”. She saw it as a challenge. And years later, after our divorce and their marriage, she was pretending to befriend me, and while drinking she offered to “teach me how to get a married man to leave his wife for me.” That was when all doubt was removed of it being her. But later she asked how many times he slept with me while home on his leave and when I said twice, she lost it. That was when I knew their relationship had started before he broke off our marriage. She acted like he had cheated on her WITH HIS WIFE(me). No, as much as I know he was involved in deciding to leave his wife for his pregnant mistress in Iraq, when he was supposed to be fighting a war, I will always know that he loved me when he left. And he was not going to divorce me unless he had moved on. He would never cook for himself, on top of all the evidence I mentioned. But strangely, I was young enough, I received appropriate therapy and moved on. I am not a jealous person. I was mad at him for ruining our family. Ruining my dream of being with the same man until we grown old together, experiencing everything and growing together. But mainly I just wanted our kids to not grow up in a broken home. But when she took him, no, I did not ever wish to be her. I did not want her story. I wanted mine back. Who wants to say they met their husband while he was married with 3 little girls in iraq and that didnt stand in her way. Not me. She only became obsessed with me once her weight went crazy and her husband was not so adoring anymore. Then she wanted to demonize me so she would not think he was gonna leave her too. Because he is incredibly shallow. Told me he had thought I would be more or a trophy wife. He was also mad i had not yet used the free army plastic surgery to get a boob job while he was overseas. With 3 babies at home. He did not tell me he had moved on until a month after he went back and called to say she was coming home early pregnant and he wanted me to hear it from him, and to hurry up with the divorce so they could get married. It was final a month before the baby was born, on what would have been our 8th anniversary. Her obsession turned devastating as she chose to eventually take my place, convincing my daughters she would be the perfect mom, and they all left me to move in with them. I could get over her taking him, he is just a man, but my kids I will never get over. They found out who she was, but seem to miss that any of it was their fathers fault, and I will never again have the relationship I had with my girls. It turned my life upside down, and that is quite literal, and I feel like I will never find the upside again. I know not all mistresses are evil, but to say that it is always the man, just doesn’t take into account that every situation is different, and there are truly evil woman out there who find it exciting to compete against women who don’t know they are in a competition. My ex and I never fought until we were divorced. Then she had somehow convinced him the wife she never met was not good enough for him and as long as he could hate me for that, he did not have to feel bad about hurting me forever.

          • jmo

            Wow. Good for you, but , hopefully you’ve ‘closed up shop’ with the ex by now. You don’t need him. Show him how much you don’t

            • Danni

              jmo, if responding to Danni-yes and sent a letter to the woman cheater he was living with-she was his AP in his second and her second marriage. I believe, because I would want to know, that cheaters must be exposed-it’s about the truth, the reality of one’s life. In this case-karma for them both. And the reason I sent the letter is because he would not leave me alone. I told him, do not call, email, do nothing. I blocked him on everything. My phone shows incoming blocked numbers. He would not stop and I told him, “if you bother me again I am going to tell Irene that you have been cheating on her”. He then left a four page letter in my mailbox. I sent her 10 pages, including that letter he left in my mailbox and others he had written to me. I can always say, I told the truth-did what I said I was going to do. He- the cheater, goes without saying, is a liar. One cannot be a cheater and not be a liar.

            • Mary

              You mentioned the word karma. That’s the name of my husbands AP that he just moved in with. (We are filing for divorce.) It’s a lot of fun to say Karma is a bitch because she really is. I hope that she feels every single word in this article. Hope my husband feels it too. 27 years and 5 kids. He’s destroyed us all.

          • Betty

            My Dear,

            Do not lower yourself to get revenge on her,with her baby s kid(s).

            Turn the page and move on if you dont want your ex husband anymore. And be ready for God’s fresh blessings.

            This time be a woman of prayers. Pray psamls with a clean n forgiving heart( yet hurt)and the lady will never stay in nor replace you.

            Jesus never said it will never happen to us but He promised that we will overcome tribulations.

            I pray to God to give you wisdom and peace.
            This may be just a lesson God teaching your husband,preparing him to be better for you again and your children…

            God’s ways are not ours.
            If this helps you,God bless you!

            • Kira

              That is easier said, than done.

            • Nyakor

              Amen, Betty!!!

          • No remorse

            I did the same thing. My exhusband had an affair with a woman that lasted for years. She believed somehow that we were not in a ‘real’ marriage and that it was ok to sleep with him. When I found out about her I made him confront her in my presence and tell her to her face that we were very much married and together. Needless to say, this meant nothing to her. She continued sleeping with him and had a baby. We separated. Then got back together. I found out she was pregnant again from him 3 years later. We separated again but still sleeping together. We ended up getting divorced. Still sleeping together. He marries the woman but he is still sleeping with me. New wife finds out and calls me angry that I am sleeping with her husband. I told her she didn’t care when he was married to me so I don’t care that he’s married to you. And yes it was completely for spite because she knew the whole time what she was doing and I have zero remorse. Karma.

            • Kira

              Karma is right! I hope you have now found some true happiness!

            • Anna

              What a load of drama. Im sorry you were cheated on but you could have used this time of being divorced to heal yourself and find a better partner and life than poisoning yourself sleeping with your ex cause you want revenge, Hope with all my heart that you move on and find something better for yourself.

            • WE

              lol the mindgames ppl play vs move on with their lives. Why don’t the three of you explore FMF and all living under one roof so you can get rid of some of the drama and logistics plus the added bonus of a blended family!

            • Danni

              I agree with your actions, 100%. And keep it up. Destroy her marriage and her two little kiddie family-people who chastise you fail to recognize the possibility, that you are the instrument that G-D sent. Since the cheater guy played right into the path I molded, it had to be some greater power behind me. It wen t just too pat as I was reeling him in for the great fall and the reveal to his current paramour.

          • Alicia

            Bravo Diamond Lopez. You are a women after my own heart. You sweet, bad lady, you. May you have a wonderful future that is bright with the shinning light. Take good of yourself, my friend.


            • Christina

              The pain I feel, and the ravenous hate I have for my x husbands AP, now recent wife has not diminished these passed 12 years. I thought I was ok. Even got remarried to another cheater, that I divorced. Yet, hearing our boys say the name of the AP pierces my heart. Their Dad moved out of state to start a new life and job with her. Two years ago now I was diagnosed with several illnesses, causing me to longer be able to work. My ex criticizes and berates me. He lies constantly. I try to encourage my boys to have a relationship with him, when I really want them to stay away from him. I’m 53, broken both physically and emotionally. I continue to have horrible nightmares about my ex and his new wife. I refuse to meet her and wish her nothing but a slow agonizing death. I honestly am at a loss. I dont know what or how to let it go. -Christina

          • HP

            I hope you have come to your senses now and have stopped letting him in. Remember, he is equally responsible for all that’s happened and revels in the opportunities to bounce back and forth, leaving you to come off looking like the cheap and nasty one. You deserve way better.

          • Judith

            I hear the hurt and anger in your words and as a woman who is dealing with an ex who cheated and is now married to his mistress, I totally understand.
            I would like to suggest therapy. Your words read like venom and the thought process that you’re paying back her Karma only proves that this is still, one big mess.
            He doesn’t love either of you. Because he doesn’t love himself. He mistress as his new wife and his old wife now his mistress, I promise you he thinks you’re both fools.
            Children are involved and should be innocent of the choices their parents make. You are unable to see how toxic it is that they speak of their parents as bitches and whores, and instead seem to get some type of sick satisfaction from their behavior. None of this is okay, and sooner rather than later someone needs to understand the long tern trauma this is having on everyone, and seek help. You’re worth healing ❤

            • Dan

              Very well said. Being a victim of someone sucks, I know. But, along with sucking, it’s already happened. The victimization has already happened and there’s no way to retroactively remove the effects.

              That being said, you have no right to cause collateral damage to innocent victims, especially child victims. That would make you the exact same as him to observers, ie the children. Then they will grow up and repeat the process.

              Snowflake turns to blizzard. Return to page 1

          • Loo Loo

            I definitely don’t condone or agree with ppl having affairs or cheating, they are extremely hurtful & the devastating effects are far reaching…most ppl don’t deserve to experience that level of hurt & betrayal EVER, but I do get it & I understand how they can happen, even to the best of people…regardless, two wrongs have never EVER made a right. You choosing to seek out vengeance on the OW & do the exact same thing that she did, for no other reason than getting one up on her so that you can sleep comfortably at night, cause her pain, & know that you’ve done the same exact thing to her that she & your husband did to you(all of which boil down to you consciously making a choice to stoop to their level in an effort to make yourself feel better out of mere “selfishness”, as well as purposefully & intentionally causing pain & harm to another by means of revenge.) All of which speak volumes regarding your character & the type of person YOU are. In all reality, I must point out to you, that depending on the events that took place, as well as ones perception & point of view, despite the OW acting in an extremely poor-distasteful-and-morally unacceptable manner, as well as choosing to participate in a very hurtful/selfish/horrible act that caused many ppl a lot of pain, suffering, & trauma(which OBVIOUSLY makes her guilty of making terrible choices in life & bad judgement calls)…as a result of your equally poor choices, you are equally as much of an awful human being as you claim your husband & the OW is, you could also be called a (“Demon woman”, whore, bitch, & any other of the terrible names you referred to the OW as in your OC)…at the end of the day, regardless of what your family, friends, & supporters may tell you…you are far FAR worse of a person than your ex or the woman he CHOSE to have an affair with…”Why would I say such terrible things?” Or “How could you possibly be far worse of a person than they are? How can you ever even be viewed as anything other than the victim?? The poor poor undeserving wife who is righteous, blameless, & without fault…just an innocent victim who’s been hurt & betrayed in one of the worst ways ever!”…Well yes, that would most likely be the case…EXCEPT you CHOSE to allow your hurt & grief to turn to anger & bitterness, which fueled your desire to seek out revenge against those who hurt you, which you then decided to act on that desire, purposely doing the exact same thing that was done to you in an effort to pay back the OW for causing you pain & suffering…here’s the thing…pain, suffering, betrayal, wrong doing, & being hurt by others doesn’t give us the right to go out & hurt someone else(even if it is the person who hurt us), nor does it make it right to do the same thing to hurt another that was done to hurt us…life just doesn’t work that way…if someone accidentally(or even purposely) runs over your child, does that mean it’s ok for you to go run over their child(or run over the person who hit your child)?? HELL NO IT DOESNT!! And the majority of people would never even consider doing that, let alone actually doing it…same thing goes for an affair…just because they chose to have an affair doesnt mean it’s ok for you to go do the same thing to get revenge & pay back…what makes it worse in this scenario is that it’s highly likely that your husband & the OW didn’t set out to develop an attraction, form a relationship, have an affair, & fall in love…it wasn’t intentional just to betray you, hurt you, cause you suffering, & ruin your life, BUT WHAT YOU DID WAS 100% INTENTIONAL & you knew exactly what you were doing, that is DISGUSTING & the reason you are far worse of a person than they are. Beyond that, Sounds like you are a very bitter unhappy woman & just as miserable as you claim they are…I am curious tho, how does an outside 3rd party get in the middle of a “nearly perfect marriage” in the first place & then have the ability to ruin it? She certainly didn’t ruin it all alone without the willing participation & help of your husband…so it would seem to me that your marriage wasn’t as strong or near perfect as you believed it to be…just a thought. Also, your husband is at fault too…it’s not just the OW…so he should be held accountable for his actions too! Idk…I’ll pray for you…I truly hope you are able to find peace & forgiveness in your heart someday because based on your comment, you are letting hate, rage, & pain turn you into a terrible human being & that’s not good or healthy for anyone. Sending you love & happiness. Best of luck to you.

            • Saved

              Wow…that was some long and incidious distruction of a victim of narcissistic abuse. It is not correct to assume that if a family is not happy then that is the fault of both partners, therefore one is justified to cheat. Often victims of narc abuse don’t even know they are victims due to the “intermittent reinforcement”. What she did is give temporarily to the narc what narcs love the most – keeping their exes in the fanclub handily for when they need extra supply, which is always, and by doing this she gave a chance to the new wife to realize she is dealing with a narcissist. And your nick Loo says it all – toilet talk.

            • Andrea

              How the hell are you going to say best of luck when you judged this poor woman for her pain and suffering? You should like a woman who sleep with married men too, I can tell you do!

            • Bubi

              You have no idea what is PAIN. Looks like you are other women!!! If you have ever been in situation to loose the family over cheating and lying…… you would understand why REVENGE takes a place. Yes, other women had known about there marriage and she still kept contact with him, she deserves to feel same pain as first wife. As I have said: If you ever experience lost of marriage, you would do REVENGE as well. Do not judge people, just because you have different opinion.

            • Maggie

              I don’t believe she is worse than her ex and his affair partner. the pain they caused her purposely is excruciating. Both were wrong. Once the AP discovered he was married, lying and cheating on his wife, she could have had self-control and stopped but she was selfish and did not. Loving someone is a choice. Who ever you try to love and give your time to can be a lover and eventually a spouse. If he was not lying and cheating on his wife in the first place and turned his affection and intentions on his 1st wife and family (maybe he also needed couseling to stop the generational curse of adultery, lying he is now passing down to his children and their children) he would not have worked on the marriage and been a successful husband. Instead i seeking an escape when the work of marriage starts. Honeymoon phase is fleeting. It’s how you go through the tough times together as a team. Not trying to find a new wife each time things get tough. And why not divorce before trying to start a new relationship. [Divorce is never the answer. God hates divorce but allowed it in the bible due to the husband’s hardened heart and adultery. But it is still not God’s will] Telling her revenge is not going to satisfy her and telling her she needs to heal from her devastation that led to the resentment, anger and bitterness would help her heal. She doesn’t have to make the choice the ex husband and AP did. She can move on from the excruciating hurt they caused her and not try to repay evil for evil. She will not have peace until she let’s go and let’s God deal with what they did to her and her children. Just came on my heart yo share with you. Take care and comfort to you as well🙏🏽

          • Liz

            Dear Diamond Lopez

            You made your point. You won this one.
            He still married.
            What would happen if you took some time to explore being with a man committed to only you? Whose love did not include stepping out with other women?

          • Bryn

            Sorry but… you don’t sound compassionate at all, you sound pretty bitter. Your marriage couldn’t have been “near perfect” because if it was, he wouldn’t have given into the temptation. You are no better than her, sadly. So, it’s life, complex. Just because you were betrayed doesn’t make you a good person or a hero. You sound awful.

            • Maggie

              When you have been lied to, cheated on there is bitterness, anger and resentment that forms. There are no perfect marriages and even if hers was, he was a lier and cheater from the start it seems. The marriage could have been amazing but he is broken and chose to cheat. He could have let his wife know he no longer wanted to be married before he let himself cheat on her and his children and break their family apart. But he did not it seems. He could have attempted to get counseling to mend or dissolve the marriage then remarry the compassionate respectful way. They all sound like they would benefit from mental health counseling to heal their
              hurts and all the past hurts individually that they brought into this devastating situation. Wishing you healing as well

      • Vanessa

        What is the CS and the AP ?

        • Doug

          CS = Cheating spouse
          AP = Affair Partner

      • Cricket

        I cheated on my husband and got caught. Both my AP and I are public figures and are highly visible in our small community. We worked together and made the very difficult decision to return to our spouses who surprisingly, were willing to take us back. My AP got a new job in another city and moved away with his family. I have pined for him these past eight months and have fought the desire to give it all up to be with him- THIS POST HAS CONTRIBUTED TO ME STAYING WITH MY HUSBAND. I have read, and reread the wise words and I believe them. Even in the affair fog, I am certain that this would be my fate—there is nothing between affair partners that is strong enough to compensate for the realities described by this insightful woman. This article has had a powerful impact on my decision to work it out with my husband. The logic is irrefutable. I’m not sure my marriage will survive, but when I’m feeling weak and wishful, this post serves to put a damper on my limerence.

        • Me

          Always remember why you married your husband in the first place – it was a strong bond between you both and all the love you never knew you had inside of you. Look deep in his eyes and let it take you back to that wonderful day. The affair was excitement and the thrill of doing something without getting caught. Its short-lived. You end up falling into a routine as does every relationship. Except there was a “real” love you could never ignore deep inside you that you have for your husband. No one will ever match that love. Dig deep for it and bring it back. Its the same one he always had for you to be able to forgive you.

          • Phyllis Lot

            Good for you. You are doing as God wants. 1 Cor. 7:10-11. Luke 16:18. God bless you and your marriage.

          • Angela

            God told me to stand for my marriage 10 years ago. I have and not always done a good job at it either. My ex married the AP. However currently they are separated and living in 2 different states. I sent her this article right before they separated got in hot water for doing so though. To God be the glory through. He is moving in this situation.

            • Liz

              Dear Angela:
              Your marriage ended. God does not want you putting your life on hold 10+ years for someone who did not choose you. Stay in prayer and believe you are here to live an abundant life. We often attribute to God our social programming. You will feel God in your heart and gut not your mind.
              Wishing you the best, you deserve love from a faithful man ❤️

            • Maggie

              Listening to God speak is the absolute best. He knows us intimately. Our lives are in His hands.

          • Maggie

            This is it…well said. Remember why they married and the bond, focus on the vows made… better or worse… sickness… health…

            This would definitely fall under illness… wellness… a DNA bloodline of people

        • Liz

          Dear Cricket:

          Be honest with yourself. Are you truly happy in your marriage or have you been unhappy and unfulfilled for some time? Is your husband willing to work to strengthen your connection? Do you love each other romantically?
          If there is nothing there, explore divorce with love that way you both get a chance at being with the love of your life.
          If there is truly a powerful love connection, look into therapy to work through any difficulties.

        • Maggie

          That is such an inspiring testimony. Just to continue to hold yourself accountable and heed the warning placed before you. Love is a choice. We choose to love our spouse and a lot of times it’s an unconditional love like Christ loves us. It is the vow we have made to God. If not, we can fall in and out of love like a revolving door. I am so proud of you for taking those thoughts of anyone other than your husband captive and asking God to give you the mindset and strength to see your marriage through. You cannot know what your spouse will eventually do but you yourself can be faithful to the marriage and be the testimony of forgiveness and reconciliation. Wishing you and your spouse a love like Christ loves the church for one another. That Gomer & Hosea love. and total restoration of your mindset, hearts and family as you restore the trust and love that you can have intentionally with anyone you choose (like a revolving door) but focusing it on the vows and commitment made before God and each other. Be encouraged. God honors marriage and a repentant heart. He forgives and restores. All the best to you for healing you and your marriage. Satan hates all God created including marriage so do not be surprised if feelings creep up or memories of the AP but keep pressing into God to restore the joy in your own marriage and take those thoughts captive. You life is a testimony to how we find idols in others and take our eyes off God. But God forgives us and welcomes us back to Him. Keeping being strong in the Lord and faithful 🙏🏽

    • Dave

      My wife’s OM says that he thought everything would peaches and gravy once they married. Our kid would be fine and I would move on peacefully and we’d all be friends again. My wife says she tried to envision a life with him, and did for a while, but the idea of our son going through a messy divorce and life with a step-day is one of the things that brought her back to reality – a little.

      Of course, the damage was nearly the same anyway when I caught her as “his” house and sadly had my 7 year old son in the car. It wasn’t pretty. (She denied she was having an affair, which was a huge lie.)

      The trauma was devastating for all of us, but probably most for our son because he was the least able to deal with it. That is when he pulled away from her. They weren’t close again and it affected their relationship for the last 14 years – until this year when she confessed. The fallout from that confession again affected my now 21 year old son, as well as my younger son, who is 11 and wasn’t even alive when all that went down. Nevertheless, her selfish and destructive behavior has affected our entire family and both of our sons are soon to go into therapy.

      As for the OM, my former best friend, he’s now married with young children. When I contacted him to confront him, I shared the fact of what their actions have done to me and my children. He claims he threw up. I can only hope that his conscience, remorse, and regret were really that strong, but too bad they weren’t then when it counted.

      • yvonne

        People when you decide whether or not to comment, please remember to brace yourself for negative responses. Compassion is needed. Sometimes people may actually be searching for sound advice to move forward. Name calling is not necessary. I understand that we can be bitter. But please don’t spend your whole life hating and wishing ill on others.Move on! God is the judge and trust me everyone will be judged. Whose to say anyone has the right to judge?

        • cynthia

          Yvonne – YES!!!! You are exactly right!!!

        • yvonne

          People when I read these replies my question is do you ladies understand how funny men look at you when you bicker with one another over them. Trust me after years of observation this is the break down: The majority of men laugh at their own behavior.. The next group move on to the next conquest. Some want confusion and chaos. Then the little 5% are content. My suggestion is the best medicine is to take revenge by living life and being happy. Trust God will see you through. And also because trust me the average donkey is still kicking up his leg and showing their rear to the next. Men hardly ever break friendship over women.

        • christine

          shut up!

          • MLM


        • Sirpa


          You feel sympathy for the offender and don’t feel sorry for the devastated people left behind….I wonder if you were not involved in destroying a family yourself…
          Let those who betray be called by their name, so that the curious readers can fully understand the consequences of such behavior, and do all they can not to fall into such category of dumb and destructive people.

          • LA4DP

            As an AP you don’t usually believe that you are destroying a family. I was told it marriage was already over and she wanted a divorce. I left my long term relationship and he was supposed to as well, so we didn’t “cheat”, but it was always pushed and delayed on his side. I didn’t want to hurt his family, otherwise I would have told her rather than let him leave the marriage on his own. Before I know it, 6 yrs later and he is still there and I am living my life but he is still around making promises- I refuse to see him until he is separated Bc I do respect his marriage, but mostly Bc I don’t want to fall into a more serious affair. Honestly if I were her I would want to know. She found out a few years ago and didn’t even contact me or try to find out the truth. We worked together at the time so she could have easily confronted me. Idk what he told her but I knew at that moment he wouldn’t leave, bc why stay and work on something that is ironically irrevocably broken if you have something better? She obviously is choosing to be ignorant so my empathy lessened at this point Part of me wants to expose him, honestly I think it’s the right thing to do, I really feel like he is a habitual cheater but I would basically blow up everything if I contracted exes; but also I want peace and he is very concerned about his image, so it would be a nightmare. APs are often deceived and mislead so yes they sure victims too.

            • Maggie

              So the big Red Flag is when the spouse says to the AP that the marriage is over, they spouse know they want a divorce, they’re living separate under the same roof, they’re staying for the children, etc. Unless you see an up to date recent divorce decree stay away from married people. You may be blocking reconciliation. You keep yourself from being the AP.
              All marriages go through tests, trials, difficulty and you do not want to add to that pain by giving one of the spouses an easy out not to work through them because they will do the same in a relationship with you. It’s a never ending cycle. You work with her so pray for the reconciliation of their marriage like you would want done for you. Stopping seeing him because you know he will not leave and if he does, will he do the same to you. If you’re lead to tell her, then do it with compassion to share if she wants to know. Otherwise pray for her healing and their family as well as seeking counseling for your healing so you will identify the red flags in the future before engaging which will be the start of a healthy life for yourself. Someone that is truly in a place to be in a truthful trusting relationship with you.

      • ariella

        Are you two still married? People are all too human and make mistakes. I feel the 21 year old should have come to terms with this long ago. The 11 year old shouldn’t even know about this, whether you guys are still married or not. Hope you guys can work this out, you deserve to be happy.

        • cynthia

          Ariella, I agree with you about the kids involvement. Especially the 11 year old. Your can’t carry things around forever, and need to move on, also hope they have this worked out, too.

        • Kathrine

          You don’t always have a choice. My spouse cheated with one of the mother’s on my child’s soccer team. No one was silent about why the team was breaking up and my 11 year old wanted the truth. I did not lie to my child. Kind of hard to when her father is with her best friend’s mother. What would you like for us to do? Honesty is something I’m teaching my daughters. We dealt with what happened to our family with honesty and therapy. She didn’t need details but she also wasn’t stupid. My oldest doesn’t want anything to do with the woman and my youngest says that she “doesn’t have a choice. Dad said it’s his life even though he knows I don’t want to be around her.” Children have feelings and we should be adult enough to help them deal with this stuff. Pretending it didn’t happen would NOT have helped either child when everyone in our small world was talking about it.

          • Brinze

            Good response. I’m amazed at how many folks think that further lying and covert behavior HELPS the victims! Only GOD has the power and wisdom to cover our transgressions, as HE sees fit! For those who have been shredded by this behavior, we know how deeply children of any age are affected, even way before all the activity is exposed!! The lying causes further confusion and hopelessness!!! Honesty, folks… cloaked in age appropriateness and common sense, is by far the best policy!!

            • Maggie

              You are spot on in your reply.

              Honesty age appropriate and counseling to gain coping skills to heal and not repeat any behaviors that may be generational

        • Shannon

          Arielle, my father had an affair when I was 14. I’ve done therapy, self help, personal growth- you name it, I’ve done it. The affair changed the trajectory and direction of my entire life. I am fortunate not be a victim of drugs or suicide. I am 37 now. I only forgave the affair woman 22 months ago. My father has still not forgiven himself. My parents are still married. Dream all you want that this doesn’t impact the kids. My siblings were 2 and 4. They were both impacted as well but it didn’t begin to show until they were in high school. Affairs have rippling impacts that extend well beyond the family unit.

          • Vanessa

            Shannon, my daughter is 13 and has known for the last 3 years that my husband has been having an affair with a married woman who has two children of her own.

            She came to our house as a guest with full intention of seducing him.

            I am worried about the impact this has on my daughter. She has withdrawn from her father, shuns him and won’t do anything with him.

            When the affair started, she was 10. She overheard us arguing and tearfully asked him “You will never leave me Papa?”.

            I worry she’s now in a depression about the situation in our family and will never trust anyone. I am looking for a therapist for her.

            The affair is still going on – he is with her as I type this.
            He denies it and repeats that he only works with her and he won’t discuss it.
            This is his mantra and his shield.
            I have proof.

            • Tina

              Please seek counseling for yourself. Your daughter is learning how women should be treated in a marriage by you. You are showing her that it is acceptable to have a partner who distespects you, your health, your marriage and your family. I say this as someone who was cheated on by my husband. Please take responsibility for how you are affecting your daughter as well.

            • Shannon

              You need to ask him to move out. You are enabling the affair by being okay with it. Letting him eat his cake too. Trust me. When you ask him to move out, he will blame the AP for his loss, and it will hurt their relationship. Her claws will then come out, she will become more needy and clingy, and their relationship will fall apart. Ask him to move out with dignity, and no arguing. Tell him that he is selfishly hurting your family and you want him gone. Ask him to start packing. Have relative come over and help him move. Tell the children that you are working things out but need to be separate. Let him WIN you back.

              Even if he does choose the other women, he will resent her for making him lose you. And he most likely will come back to you. If you will take him back. I would. Because you just made a stand, he now knows it is not acceptable, and that will keep this from happening again.

            • Shelly

              Why are you still with him?

            • Ana

              Dear Vanesa, is like you are talking about my situation. My husband is having an affair with another woman that i considerated friend. i m sure now that she entered in my life just for my husband. My 11 years daughter knows. She was friend of the OP children. I tried to explain to her that what her father does is not right and I also don t sleep in the same room with him anymore. I would leave but I can t afford it yet. I know my daughter suffer a lot but at least she express it. But living in the same house with the man that broke my heart is incredible painfull. I am an elementary teacher and my work with the children gives me so much strenght. Hope you all will get over the pain and be well! Greatings from Europe.

            • franchesca

              I am going through a similar situation my daughter is 14 and is having a horrible time with the OW she has been the OW on and off for 11 years or so we r not together haven’t been in months but he is having a child now and it’s a girl and my daughter won’t talk she is suffering I silence and I don’t know what to do how is your daughter doing now Any advice?

            • Maggie

              I am so sorry for your pain in 2017. I am praying that you and your daughter and family have received couseling to heal. I pray that your daughter’s father will br honest, repent and turn away from this destructive behavior. Get help and healing himself to stop hurting his family, others and himself.

          • Heidi

            Thank you for sharing my son was 2 when my ex husband of 17 yrs left us for OW who got pregnant and married her. This is devastating and heart breaking how the children are forever impacted. My dad also cheated on my mom.

          • Maggie

            Shannon, thank you so much for sharing your view and perspective from the children’s side of an affair. The first hand experience with the devastation and aftermath that adulterous affairs cause the Spouses, children and family are swept under the rug as just move on and get on with it. No! It is real pain and a ripple effect as well as a now bloodline of potential devastation for the children and their children. My heart hurts for you and all our children and crushed spouses. Prayers for all unaware repentive APs that stopped the affair. Prayers for you and your siblings for peace and counseling for support and coping skills🙏🏽

      • kitty

        I hope you find peace

        • Aurelie

          My father was living a double life throughout our childhood. On top of countless affairs, my siblings and I discovered that he had fathered a child our age . Her mother had just hit him up for back child support . After vehemently denying paternity , my mom showed us the photos of him and his daughter together. He never apologized. I lost all respect for him.
          My father died of cancer a couple years later. The next 21 years saw me at many failed relationships. I ended relationships before they could cheat on me. The only men I trusted were ones I knew would never cheat on me .but then a lot of times , I would end up cheating on them .I’ve been cheated on and cheated many times, ended up divorced , and am now in a year -long relationship with a married man.

          At first , it felt like a magnetic bond between him and I. It still feels like that now. We started texting .. talking on the phone .. He started opening up about how his marriage only existed because they had a child and she was going to move the child away otherwise . They got married and had 2 more kids .
          I felt bad for him because he is the breadwinner and the domestic while she does nothing . She yells at the kids, gets drunk and mean , and doesn’t treat her depression. One day soon after that, he kissed me. And I melted. I fell in love and feel that my 3 kids and his 3 kids could live together like the Brady Bunch. The sex is insane . But I don’t get to be with him , not really..not in public. No photos of us. Yet when we talk he’s calling me his girlfriend. I feel like that’s unfair. I’ve gotten upset and told him Incant take it anymore. He tells me he loves me and to” not f@cking give up on him” .
          I know I should feel guilty about what his wife will go through If and when she finds out. But if he’s telling me the truth ( not that I don’t believe him, but I just have to word it that way to prove my point ) she and he have had a toxic relationship for years and he was just looking for an out.

          Going back to my Dad, I don’t know whether or not I subconsciously chose to be the OW because it felt safer. Also I didn’t necessarily think it was going to go anywhere for this long . I saw what being the victim of cheating did to my mom. As much as I love her, she is now a shell of a woman , no self-esteem, no desire to look good, doesn’t take care of herself, etc. So being the OW was a thrill that made me feel like I wouldn’t turn out like my mom.

          But now .. I find myself hanging onto this mans every word . Being so vulnerable. I want him to leave her. To leave her for me. He says he’s never cheated on her. Also , I know that they still more or less have sex. But I don’t push him, because I don’t want to make this harder than it already is. How can I justify giving him sh@t for sleeping with his wife? I don’t know why but I feel upset that he might lead her to believe that all is better than. What he’s telling me .

          I brought up my father at the beginning because in comparison , this guy is. Nothing like him. I feel that even though he’s cheating , he didn’t test out to do so. But I’m afraid he will never leave his wife. He has 3 boys who would probably be gutted if their parents got divorced. I feel stuck.

          • Julie

            Hi Aurelie,

            You should really read the books of Dr Frank Pittman and Dr Shirley Glass about infidelity. They explain your exact situation.. being the Other Woman when you have this background history. ..
            I really hope you will find explanations and that you will find peace in an healthy relationship. And don’t believe everything the man is telling you, unless you have the other side of the story!

          • Don't Put Up With It

            I’m reading your post a couple of years later and I sincerely hope you pulled yourself out of this situation and away from this awful predatory man. If you haven’t, you need deep counseling. This man is absolutely no good and I don’t care how many stars you see around him, he’s just no damn good. He’ll hurt you and hurt his wife and kids and then he’ll move on to someone else and hurt them too because he’s a sick bastard who does this to pump himself up. There’s nothing more wonderful than hearing “I love you” and there is no bigger lie from many people. GET OUT OF IT and heal yourself.

          • Maggie

            Aurelia, so even though you did not want to be like your mom and a shell of who she had become, you in fact have become the OW who sent her into that downward spiral.
            If you can get some counseling to sort through your life and feeling, that may help you see the Red Flags in your patterns shared above. Narcissism personality disorder can be manipulating like what you are describing in your affair with this married man. Men can say anything you want to hear to keep the affair going. (She wants a divorce, she’s horrible, i am staying for the children. All the while it maybe his wife’s response to his adultery. Remember we are a
            combination of our parents genetically so your father’s dna has set you up to cheat and maybe even crave a lifestyle of being hidden. A trusted vetted counselor can help you step away from poisonous relationships you crave through genetic. You can be healthy and have the wisdom to say no to anything that is less than the best for your life.
            Remember he will say anything to get you to continue is an adulterous relationship hidden and living the double life like your father did. You are vulnerable to that due to your dna and father’s choices and destructive mindset (mental health). It may have been in his history as with your mom who was and is devastated by that double life and child of the adultery. Find out your mom’s background of mental health as well. It will help you heal and gain wisdom to say no and set healthy boundaries with relationships. Plus your good mental health could help be a testimony for your mom to heal amd and love herself and life as well. Praying for your good mental health and you and your mom to walk in healthy relationships starting with each other.

      • Pino

        David I wish I could see you face to face.
        My former wife cheated on me too!
        You expressed yourself in a way that I understand exactly how you feel. And really, there are no words to really express exactly how you feel.
        I pray for justice. God how I pray for justice.
        There is no dout in my mind after three years she got caught she has some kind of remorse. We were together 20 years.
        Big Italian wedding, Big family traditions
        She and her adaulter are hated not only by all sides of the familes and friends but also in our community.
        She’s alone now. When she was out with her adaulter in the comunitiy , everyone knew about their affair and if they didn’t know, their family members told them there cheaters. They no longer hangout together without getting a look that could kill according to the Italian community, churches, nabourhoods, families, nabours, friends even our three children.
        Their conspiracy back fired ???? on them.
        They thought they were smart, cleaver and they could out smart first me then their families and friends. Wrong.
        It was humiliating for them. Even if they put up a front, it’s too late. Everyone knows about them and now when they see them, people turn the other way as if she/they don’t exist.
        Shame shame shame.
        They blame me for all there troubles. Now that my divorce is finalized and I’m not in the picture it’s not as exiting for them anymore because now it’s all about them.
        The adaulter wanted to be this big shot politician in our community build up a name for himself and she followed him so she could be in the big lights ????.
        Well….Their affair has been exposed in bright ???? ???? ???? lights and they did build up a big name for themselves, but it wouldn’t be a name that would make their mothers proud.
        That’s for sure.
        God bless them. They need it.

        • Sharyn

          Your Community sound very childish, and very noses, she moved on and so should all these people hose business it wasn’t. I f the l sorry that he Children’s minds have been harmed by others…You say you want Justice, it was an end Marriage, not a murder

          • Don't Put Up With It

            No, the community did the absolute right thing. People who cheat and who break up families should be SHUNNED by all decent people. That is the kind of thing that prevents many people from getting involved in cheating activities. There should be MORE of this, not less. People need to become a lot more JUDGMENTAL, not less. It protects the community of which every marriage and every family is a part.

            • VickiLD

              You are so right. People turn a blind eye to divorce these days. I was at a dinner party with my “good” friends and as I was coming back from the bathroom one woman said: “well, there are always two sides to every story”. When I stepped into the dining room you could have heard a pin drop. My ex cheated and left me and our daughters for his therapist. That’s my side of the story.

            • Rachel

              How bitter are you? People shouldn’t be shunned because they fell in love with someone else. If a community is like that then most people wouldn’t want to be a part of it. I’m married to my husband who left a very unhappy marriage to be with me. His daughter accepts me and stays with us, we have vacations together and have made it work. None of us are judgemental. It’s an unnecessary state of mind.

    • Carol

      Wow, just wow. Hindsight is 20/20. I’m actually grateful to the author of this piece, whoever and wherever she is. It may not affect those OMs/OWs who are deep in the fog, deep enough to truly believe that their love is ‘special’ or the CS they’re with is ‘different.’ But if it stops even one OM/OW in his/her tracks, it will be worth it.

      As a child, I lived through my parents’ divorce, a divorce that resulted from my father’s cheating with and then marrying an OW, and I can vouch for kids’ lingering resentment of and anger towards the OW. There was nothing she could do to ever make me soften towards her. Nothing. I absolutely hated her deep down. And she and my father fought endlessly over us, his biological children. I saw first-hand what a marriage built on cheating looks like, and from my perspective as a kid watching it from the inside, I can say this author is spot-on. My father’s second marriage was an absolute and total disaster; it quite literally destroyed him. And she too was broken at the end. My mother, meanwhile, went on to remarry a good guy with whom she just celebrated 30 years of wedlock. I think more stories like this author’s need to get out there; maybe more people would wake up to the reality of what they’re about to do and would NOT pull that trigger!

      Dave, I hope your kids do get good therapy. My heart goes out to them.

      • ex's daughter

        My father left for the other woman as well, and I can not begin to describe the emotional roller coaster I was thrown into. With that being said, most of the mistresses in these cases do not give a rats ass about the kids. My father’s ‘new wife” loved to hurt my sister and I. She forbid my father to see us, or even have pictures of us for that matter. He ditched us. They had the son he always wanted, and we went ten years without speaking. My father became ill, and had his leg amputated. Ofcourse this was more than she could handle, and she took his money and left him and my brother for some guy. I really felt for my little brother and reconnected with my father, mainly to get to know my little bro. My stepmother came back after the guy she left with went back to his wife and left her high and dry. My father took her back, and we haven’t spoken in 5 months. It’s fine with me. We live in the same neighborhood and my brother comes over from time to time. My point is this, don’t assume the person you are cheating with cares about your kids, most cases they do not. That’s why if you want to opt out of your marriage, try to as gracefully as you can, especially if you have kids. You are responsible for their well being. You are their parent, not the person you are cheating with. Most women who go after married men feel like it’s a triumph over the ex wife and her kids. At least in my case, and many others. Thank God she didn’t want us around, can you imagine how she would’ve treated us? I shutter to think. But out of all this, I can say, I love my brother, he’s awesome. 🙂

        • LILA

          I’m sorry for your loss but you ought to know that not all of us, the so-called “other woman” are the mean stepmother you describe. I am a good woman and I met a guy some years ago, he was apparently trapped in a horrible marriage and had a daughter, I got to know her and I adored her. The wife, as a matter of fact was a horrible person, (not because I thought so, nobody liked her in her circles). We got to marry and she spoke the worst things about me to the girl, while I tried to get to know her better. We had a little boy and I always encouraged Nina (the daughter) to come and see us. The ex wife never really wanted to, but in the end, she realized (Nina) I was a good person and that somehow I just saved her father from a failed marriage. Bottom line is not everybody is as the description. Not all of us are looking to destroy anyone. Sometimes life doesn’t give you things the way you would like to. I never planned to “steal” anybody, we just fell in love. I’ve seen many other stories like mine, many men and women that have been trapped in a bad marriage and have been able to find true love in somebody else. Some of them, even ex-es and children have managed to get along very well. The way the person that allegedly writes the “experience” in the article seems to have had a bad one, it doesn’t necessarily happen to everyone. Definitely, not all of us fit the “b****” profile as they say. Some of us even end up being more loved than the ex, cause we are all human beings and yes, sh*** happens but sometimes it is worse to stay and sacrifice your life with someone you just don’t love. Kids can also tell (at least smart ones) when this happens. I’ve heard many kids saying, they are happy for their parents when they have found their true love (even when it is not their own “left” parent), cause they seem to be much better people with the new partner. Life is not perfect and each story is different from each other. I hate to read this kind of stuff, showing so much bitter, anger and hate. Grow up people, no one owns no one, when someone was made for each other, life is wise and no matter what you say, it makes them both meet. People deserve to be happy. Cheers.

          • Know your true colors

            Said like a true homewrecking whore. Congrats on getting your claws in a married man and “helping” him to move on. So kind of you. No matter how you try to sugar coat it, you were and are WRONG. Of course the wife was a horrible person. What else would you two tell yourselves so that you can reason with what you did. Of course you wouldn’t face the truth because in your heart you know what you did was wrong. One day you will pay for it. It never lasts you know. Not when you meet that way. I hope you both die a horrible slow death 🙂

            • Aamina

              Wow you are a horrible person for wishing death on someone else.
              I’ve been cheated on but that doesn’t mean my ex deserves to die a slow horrible death.

              You’re a really bitter and crappy person.

            • Agree with colors

              Looks like you are still hanging on waiting for him to come back. Just because a person doesn’t feel the way you feel doesn’t make them a horrible person. Keep hanging on….let us know how that works out for you.

            • Tonja

              I believe Colors is reacting to an absurd assertion to make a point.

              It is the same self-congratulatory message both of my OW step-mothers parroted until my father did the same thing to them…

              You call Colors “bitter” because you lack insight and apparently the intelligence to recognize hyperbole.

            • Lauradoesn'tlie

              Agree with colors. Walk a mile in the kids shoes.. a Any relationship started on lies no matter will my work. The truth sets us free.

            • Ishy

              Her answer was harsh, but on point. The AP completely devastates the BS. Especially when kids are involved.

              In my case, I said, “If you want him take him. He obviously doesn’t want me.” But now, I am the mother of his children. He moved 90 miles away to be with her and complains he has no time for his kids. My kids seem fine enough. I just don’t mention him. Every once and a while the kids will ask, “Doesn’t Dad get us on Mondays?” Sorry kids. It all depends on his schedule.

              There were things that could have been improved in our marriage, but it seemed solid. I don’t get a break and, yes, that’s my issue, but it is hard for me to think about how things would be if she hadn’t come along. We probably would not have got divorced. Donno if unsolved issues would have been fixed or not, but the kids had their dad.

              I am extremely resentful. I don’t want my ex back. But I don’t like being a single mom 24/7. I didn’t plan for it and it wasn’t my choice. He is with her kids more than ours and it breaks my heart that a woman can come between a man and his children.

            • Tonja

              I’ll buy a ticket to that Colors.

            • Disgusted

              You are a bitter and spiteful, evil person. I lack neither insight nor intelligence. Infidelity is often a symptom of a broken marriage. Both spouses are responsible for those problems. It takes two to work and two to fail. When will you stop blaming and take a little responsibility?

            • sammy

              Disgusted – “”It takes two to work and two to fail”. That may be true, but that is something the TWO of them have to work out. A third person added to the mix is an interfering person. How is third person helping with working out the marriage? Leave them alone to work it out. If the marriage ends up failing, then he/she will be free…but NOT before. Lila writes: “I was a good person and that somehow I just saved her (the daughter’s) father from a failed marriage” What you fail to understand is that NO ONE needs to SAVE someone from a failed marriage – that’s justification in your own mind so that you don’t have to face the reality that you interfered in someone else;s marriage. Let the marriage fail if it’s destined to…free from distractions. I’m sorry if you’re lonely or have your own issues – it’s your responsibility to get a life and not interfere in someone else’s. No one is “trapped” and it’s not your job to “free” him/her. Read Carol and Ex’s daughter – and understand the havoc to the family an OW/OM creates for the family. Cheaters by definition are selfish because they put themselves first. Negotiate the end of the marriage if that’s what you want – don’t cheat. Cheaters are cowards.

            • No Excuses

              Kudos to you sammy. You are spot on. A cheating spouse is ultimately the most responsible for the affair but what about the affair partner????? When you know that someone is Married and you willingly step into the affair what does that make you. Responsible as well and just as guilty. Like I said in my earlier post you can justify anything. If you’re any kind of decent human being you back the hell out of getting involved with a married man. And I totally agree it’s pretty hard to work on a marriage when you have 3rd party involvement I know firsthand. There were times when I got the text message that the AP was sending my husband and I tried to appeal to her as a decent human being and I Asked her how would you like this being done to you??back off And let us work out what’s going on but of course she was too selfish to do that. And he was too emotionally selfish and needy to stop and instead blamed me for what were very fixable problems. The affair partner always thinks it’s going to be different with them and that they can love your spouse better than you can. Just mind games and lies Cheaters tell themselves.

            • Anne

              I was cheated on and have a teenage daughter who is soon to have OW as stepmom. You have no idea the hell we have been through. Cheating is never the answer. If the marriage is bad, the spouse should leave before having affair. I worked full time, went to grad school, did the vast majority of the housework. While my cheating spouse worked part time and had an affair. I was doing laundry while he was havin sex with the OW. I was working while he and the other woman were watching a movie together. I was payin bills while he and the other woman were on a trip together. Are you starting to get the picture of how unfair cheating is? My daughter has been through hell. My ex only wanted one child, so we had one child. I wanted another child and my daughter wanted a sibling. The woman he had the affair with has two children. How do you think this fact made my daughter and me feel? Dad doesn’t want another one like you but is fine to take on someone else’s children. It broke my daughter’s heart. The new woman’s children are young and my daughter a teenager, so my daughter feels more like a babysitter than a friend.

            • you poor victims

              Is this the husband’s fault or the other woman? It is HIM who was in the marriage and chose to step out. If you want to blame anyone, blame him. Get over yourselves. You all sound so bitter. If you nurtured your marriages none of this would have happened. Take some responsibility. Look into yourself and the truth of what you might see will set you free. Let your ex and his new partner move on. You are the one who is not welcome in the picture anymore.

            • cheatersneverprosper

              I was not nurtured yet I did not cheat. I have no problem letting my ex move on. Good riddance!

            • Joy

              Why are you here, You Poor Victims? You sound like the ignorant, immature home wrecker that my husband is now with. Then you say “Namaste?” Are you serious? Please go somewhere, and take your ignorance with you. Do us another favor as well. If you haven’t done so yet, don’t breed, and don’t get married. Obviously you don’t understand what a marriage is suppose to be. Thanks!

            • Tasha

              Relationships are for 2
              But sum Bitches can’t count….????
              I left my hubby 6 yrs now just to give him space so I’m not used n abused in his reel of infidelity as it was always denied but the world new..I felt violated but his not changed his love for me.. I’m still the queen with all the benifits he runs the business dat runs my luxury home n lifestyle while he sits in the old home.. My kids n I are put 1st .. This OW was treated to a holiday dey met accidents n never persude with pilgrims ????God does not look at sinners.. Over the phone he heard our heartache n tears after finding out his with a women he was so broken he cut the trip an constantly called every day buying me stuff.. Now did it have to take that holiday away to realize the importance of his family???..wel watever I had to be strong an give pure love to see this day workout. Mind u this is after our divorce.. We don’t live together but today is our 17th anniversary an we flooded with msgs coz all thru our turbulence I never gave up on us .. We have kids dat bonds us for life..
              OW please think…

            • Honestly tired

              I seriously think you are the cheater that hooked up with my ex the cheater. That’s the same crapbshe sent me in an unsolicited email when she discovered that I knew about her. My thought is this. She is cruel and had a damaged life to get to the point that she tears apart and involves herself in someone else’s family. And he is cruel and mean as well to think so little of his families feelings. Can’t say I did anything to her or to him to deserve their cruelty but I’ve survived. Funny thing is he keeps contacting me. So. I’m not sure if telling someone to get on with their lives really works when you don’t end relationships with respect and kindness.

            • Angie

              This story and the majority of responses are ridiculously black & white, pathetically judgemental and bitter. Take some f’n responsibility in a failed marriage. It takes two. Victims are so unattractive.

              Choose happy. Let go and let God. Grow. Up. No one knows the real dynamics of a failed marriage except the two people it. And obviously from the contents of this story and comments, many chose the blame game.

            • BetrayedFamily

              Angie, you truly have no idea what you are talking about. The unfaithful spouse usually has no idea why the marriage failed. Marital problems don’t cause affairs. Both people live in the same marriage, but typically only one has an affair. Affairs are caused by something inside of the unfaithful, usually something rooted in some deep childhood trauma that he/she never worked through, and a lack of boundaries. And for the OW/OM, it’s a lack of respect for boundaries and usually their own emotional unhealthiness. You all could learn a lot from affairrecovery.com

            • Betrayed and It still hurts

              Betrayed Family,
              You hit the nail on the head.. for me looking back, I just didn’t see it. Relationships have their ups, downs and boredoms- part of marriage.. but none of us expect our spouse to up and cheat, leave, betray. and yes, the ‘whores’ on the other side of the equation have no moral compass. If it weren’t them, it would be someone else, sure, but it was THEM that helped give (ex) spouse the bravado to not put truth and energy into the marriage- Had they been honest, the relationship might have been saved or worth saving. Instead of involving an outside party and all the grotesqueness that accompanies that, namely the pain and betrayal to the children.

            • Jean

              Betrayed Family
              Angie is right in a lot of ways. Let go. You knew the marriage you were in was way too much work. Mine was. He had an affair and I was devastated because all I ever wanted for the kids and me was an intact family. Fact is, he was emotionally abusive to me and never good with the kids. As was his mother. I went no contact during the divorce and now, 10 years later, the thought of him touching me makes me shudder. At least now I have a chance at finding someone who loves me (he didn’t). He was rough and cold in bed, rough with the kids, judgmental, played games. Made good money but was miserly with us. We had more financial freedom after the divorce when he couldn’t question every dime. So, yes, all you betrayed spouses sound ridiculous with your condemnation. The fact is the affair put a merciful end to a bad marriage. No the kids will never accept it fully, but the fact is they may be less messed up in a divorced family than if you and your ex struggled through with gritted teeth. So figure out a way to grow and be gracious and grateful you don’t have to put up with him anymore.

            • Carolyn

              I don’t wish bad on people, but you surely will reap what you sow. You have NO idea until it happens to you, and I’m sure it will. You aren’t just head over heels in love with someone and the next day that love is gone. That’s not how it works. There should never, ever be a reason for cheating. Be the responsible person you should be and talk about things and work it out or figure it out, but don’t go off with someone else while your spouse is waiting at home for you. Admit that it’s wrong. Either someone does something they shouldn’t be and ruins their marriage, or a person comes along and ruins a couple’s marriage. If it’s not meant to be, then it will work itself through. But, NEVER cheat!

            • Angie E

              AMENNNNN. Thank you!

            • Nikki

              Gas lighting

            • Stephano

              Thank you for speaking the truth!!! They are all biased and selfishly looking at there own situation as to why something so horrible could happen to them, while all the while blaming the OW, the husband and God knows (pointing the finger)!!! To all the blamers how bout taking a long look in the mirror and truly asking yourselves why the person cheated on you to begin with!!! Yea I’m pretty sure any of you had anything to do with your other half stepping out….bahahaha…what a joke!

            • Danni

              the individual with whom this happened to me did some very dishonest things to hide the fact of his living with arrangement, ha, with the woman he had cheated with when he was married. So many stories of how terrible the ex-wife was, and never a word about the affair partner he was now living with in an intimate arrangement. AND THEN the truth came out, and surprise, surprise, the affair partner was also a horrible woman. But more truth emerged and she was a “horrible” woman with a sum of money that far exceeded his, and his earning capacity. In fact, he unwittingly revealed himself when once told me, “I was down to my last $100.00 and she (OW) bailed me out.” Mr. Cellophane. And about me? Very hurt and angry, still to this day and still pulling myself out of the deep depression triggered once again, that I had overcome after many years of grief over the cancer death of my beloved husband. It has crossed my mind that people like this are sent into our lives to give us the self-knowledge about ourselves-how good, decent, moral, we actually are.

            • Ishy

              It’s easier said than done. It is comparable to forgiving ISIS and just letting them be. It grinds you no matter how hard you try to stop yourself.

              Judging by your comment, I imagine you get in many arguments. Just think of how you feel when they are left unresolved. I’m sure you steam for days. Now lets pretend it’s a bigger issue than fighting for your right to use a bathroom with your same sex.

              We try…we try to put ourselves in your shoes. Try a different perspective before making such comments. It is easy to not be bitter if you were not wronged.

            • Corinne

              Very well said

            • Nikki

              Infidelity is most often the result of not dealing with Family of Origin issues the part of the cheater not on a bad marriage.

            • Kim

              If it’s a broken marriage partners try to fix it. If it’s not fixable then partners decide together what’s best for the both of you and y’all’s family! Cheating is nothing but a selfish cowards way out looking for someone else to fix what your lacking and your issues with yourself!
              You didn’t say I do just for the BETTER! Or just for the HEALTH! You didn’t promise to HATE! Not to CHERISH! Nor promise to DISHONOR
              More importantly you didn’t promise your vows for a year, 5 yrs 10 yrs or 25 yrs! Chances are it wasn’t the first time to cheat! It’s not fair to your family nor a 3rd person that they are not given a say so about their life! You owe it to your family to make it as easy and help them thru a difficult time! And not carry your baggage into a other as THE VICTIM! Take care of your responsibilities first. You never stop being a parent. And the OW STAY OUT until he takes care of his business !

            • Betrayed and It still hurts

              Kim, I wholeheartedly agree. My ex’s ‘affair’ was where he put his “energy” instead of focusing on me and our 3 young kids- He was never honest with himself or me and really didn’t indicate he was upset with our marriage- the usual daily life stresses and “work” were always cited as the reason for any of his inattention. So I felt it hit me over the back of the head when I made the discovery (sort of by chance). He never even talked to me about it and when I confronted him, he ran- and moved in with her! He literally didn’t even come home to do the mature thing and help me tell the kids- He was too busy with the tramp- and impressing her very low class family. She had no moral fiber so they thought of him, a guy with a good paying job, as their savior. To everyone I would caution you, plan before you confront. Because my ex wiped me out financially and I wish I had been more methodical for the preservation of me and our kids bc we were left financially devastated, on top of the emotional rollercoaster of emotions and raising 3 kids on my own. The big question aside from “why” is how come they can’t just be honest, come clean and make a mutual decision to end the marriage? Instead of leaving the spouse in the dark that they have moved on and have a secret life they are already very cushy in. If a person doesn’t cheat and puts any effort into the marriage and any perceived “issues” that any marriage undoubtedly will hit sooner or later, it can often be worked out. It’s part of life. My ex never blinked, never showed any remorse– it’s been 13 YEARS- no regard for me or the kids– and he was a terrible, uninvolved father- gave new meaning to the term “check out.” He’s still with the OW, I’m certain cheating on her. She got the prize. But often AP/turned new spouse may not care- they got what they all deserve.

            • Betrayed and It still hurts

              False bravado and distraction= recipe for disaster.

              A marriage needs trust, communication and not having another person egging it on to destroy a marriage and family.

            • Excuses

              Fyi it takes 2 to make a marriage work & it could take only 1 Person to refuse to do the labor to help restore the marriage which will in turn prevent a marriage from surviving. People tend to think that it is both spouses who take part in the demise of the marriage but that’s not always the case. A lot of times its the straying spouses personal insecurities & emptiness that caused he/she to stray; which has nothing to do with the bs or their marriage. Now start a topic on tha!

            • Rosa

              exactly,those who cheat are cowards and empty inside. They are the most selfish persons ever. They do not only cheat their spouse but their own children!

            • Maureen


            • Elizarsnow

              It takes to people to make a marriage, but one person can destroy a marriage all by him/herself.

            • owl

              NO. Infidelity is NOT the symptom of a broken marriage. And NO- both spouses are NOT responsible for those problems. It does take two to make a marriage work, but it only takes ONE for the marriage to fail. NOW- take responsibility of your own horrid deeds. Infidelity is a symptom of TWO broken people- the CS and the AP. TWO people are responsible – the CS and the AP. TWO people are to blame- the CS and the AP. TWO people need to own up to their horrid actions and take a WHOLE LOT of responsibility- the CS and the AP. Whatever may or may not have been going on in the marriage is none of the AP’s business- nor does it justify the nasty actions of AP. A marriage is hard work- for the TWO (not the three) in the marriage, If the CS is not working on it- then it is ONE person who is abandoning the work- not two. DO NOT compound your selfish and cruel behavior by dishing crap on the BS just so you can feel better about yourself and justify your unforgivable behavior. If the marriage was not working, DIVORCE always comes first in ethical and well adjusted people. An affair is NEVER acceptable. Period.

            • Carolyn

              Perfect, perfect answer!

            • Danni

              It will always be necessary to know before a judgment is made about the OW if she knew the CS was married or in some other (as he said when I became suspicious), “committed” relationship. How can a person be in a committed relationship without commitment? What I learned was he committed to her money, her house, her wherewithal, her basement to keep all his woodworking tools and equipment. I once received an email from him wherein he wrote, “I have a bond with my tools”. I was just another tool and so was the woman he was cheating on.

            • kk

              thank you!!! I was livid when I read her little rationalization. spoken like a truly self centered idiot. We make choices & nothing “just happens”… idiot.

            • ariella

              Wow. You are such a venomous person. Scarier than any horror movie I have ever watched. You need help, and I truly hope you are able to find it. This whole sight is very unrealistic and very preachy! Sincerely, all that venom is toxic. I hope you find some kind of peace and closure.

            • Lisa

              The whole site is unrealistic? LMAO!! Have you not read what infidelity has done to everyone who is commenting? I have to think you are a homewrecker. One who believes you found your true love am I correct? Im sure you were destined to be together too right? LOL!! What you homewreckers have done is TOXIC. Why are you even here?? To try to justify what you have done? Buzz off.

            • ariella

              You “have to think” blah blah blah. Such a deep thinker you are. Thanks for the entertainment.

            • Lisa

              No response on the homewrecker. Typical. Like we didn’t already know what you are. A homewrecker and a troll. Why do you even come here? To bash the people that were cheated on? Does that make you feel better about yourself? It’s ok. You will get yours 🙂 It always happens you know. There is no avoiding it LMAO! Adios. I have no time for whores like you.

            • ariella

              All joking aside, take a good look at what you just said. I am a whore, a troll and a homewrecker. Based on what? You say I bash people, who exactly? I don’t know any of you guys, and I haven’t called anyone names. Oh, and “I’ll get mine?” You say I need to feel better about myself? Sorry to disappoint, but I feel okay. All that venom directed because of a different opinion on how to handle a problem.

            • Lisa

              You came on here telling people they are venomous and attacked them and made fun of them for how they feel. Only self-centered, self-righteous people would do that. Amazing how you didn’t like it done back to you isn’t it? I could care less who you are or what you do. Buzz off and leave these people alone. They come here to tell their story and you came here to judge them. Who are you to judge! That’s why you are a TROLL. I will no longer respond to you. I know exactly what you are and how you are trying to make yourself feel better for your actions.

            • No Excuses

              Out of curiosity ariella,
              What brings you to this site? I suspect you have not had to go through the pain of being cheated on. If you had you might not be so quick to judgement.
              Yes these are a very strong Comments they are from people who have had their lives ripped apart or witnessed other lives that have been shattered because of infidelity.
              I consider myself to be reasonable and rational and a good God fearing woman, but Honestly I could beat the hell out of my very very recent ex for what he has done to me and my life my Daughter and my grandchildren. I have lost my family my home, my vehicle, possessions, money.
              Infidelity is traumatic do some research.
              The prisons are full of people who have committed crimes of passion, people have turned to alcohol and drugs prescription medication. Betrayed spouses have lost jobs, haven’t been able to function. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the pain that infidelity causes! So if you are on this site for mere entertainment then please just read and keep your comments to yourself. And remember, it’s very easy to sit back and judge others if it hasn’t happened to you. When it happens to you, let us know how peaceful and calm you feel, and oh well things happen. Let us know how that works FORYOU!

            • anonymous

              ariella ‘
              WOW really ?? GOD will judge you for being like JEZZEBELL you let the devil in you .. you know it and everyone else here know ‘s it you are lying to yourself thinking your so special LOL ” do you believe in GOD ? GOD HATES divorce .. GOD says divorce is mans LAW not his every time you have sex you commit adultery ‘ adultery and sin against GOD and his holly ordinance SO JEZ E JIT hope this helps no one want ‘s to hear from the bride of lies no one so skank back to the man you think loves you it’s just a matter of time you too will feel the pain of being deceived lied to and his extended family will say that you deserve it kama is a real BITCH

            • cynthia

              Lisa: Your really seem to attack people who may have a different take on situations on this site. You accuse people and make statements that you cannot possibly know about or even back up. You don’t seem like a well meaning person to me.

            • Nikki

              Gas lighting

            • cynthia

              Dear know your true colors: Seems your name (know your true colors) may be intended for others, but I think it says something about how you look at things. I hope things have worked out for you, but I honestly don’t feel that you serve any person as well as yourself to be hoping for vengeance on others. Maybe for your prospective, things are always starkly back or white, but life is never that simple. Again, I hope you are in a good place in your life, now. I am not meaning to judge you in any way, and you are certainly entitled to your opinion, as all the contributors on the site are. I jhate that you feel this way, and maybe you have changed somewhat.

            • you poor victims

              Wow. Did you ever consider the question about why would anyone want to keep a man in a marriage that doesn’t want to be there and his heart belongs to someone else? Do you think any woman wants a married man and to get involved in such drama on purpose? People are not right for each other, grow apart or change after marriage. It’s a fact of life. The real lie would be to deny feelings and stay in an unhappy marriage. You sound bitter. I hope you can find peace in your heart. Namaste.

            • Joe

              I think you’re missing the point. When spouses have trouble, they should work together to get through it. If they don’t, then thats on them. However, cheating is wrong and causes so much damage to everyone.
              If someone feels their spouse isn’t right for them, then they need to legally move on. But don’t cheat. It hurts.
              Eventually the guilt will begin to wear down the ones who cheated and damaged their families.

            • Angie

              Do very true. Thank. You.!

            • Nikki

              Gas lighting

            • Isledivah


            • Tortured

              I agree. I just ended a year-long emotional affair with a long time friend. We are both married. I don’t even know how it happened. We were friends for years. We knew each other’s spouses and children. Then my marriage and his marriage developed some issues at the same time. My husband was miserable at his job and he was very cold to me. He developed a very short temper. He ignored me and began sleeping downstairs many nights. I begged him for about two years to go to therapy with me. I missed him so much. He never smiled anymore. I only got critiques; never a compliment. I felt so alone and scared. I didn’t want to divorce. My parents had divorced and I felt like I would be the biggest failure if I did that. We have children and he is a great dad so I couldn’t see taking him away from them. But I felt alone. Really alone. And there was my friend. He felt the same I guess. We never spoke about problems in our marriages at first. It was a gradual thing. We started talking more and more and the next thing I knew I realized I had feelings for him. I felt like an asshole. I went to therapy. Alone. My husband still wouldn’t come. I tried to put distance between me and my friend. I avoided him for months. Then work circumstances made it so we saw each other every day. My feelings grew. I said nothing to him, but one day he came to me distressed and told me he had fallen in love with me. I was honest with him and told him I felt the same. Now what??? We should have just stopped speaking, I know!!! You all think we are both horrible people. But on my end I knew that I was taking nothing from this other man that my husband wanted to give me. This other man and I set up boundaries. We said we wouldn’t be physical. We wouldn’t see each other outside of work and we’d never take time away from our families to see each other. We thought bringing the feelings into light would help us deal with them together. But the feelings were there and they were strong. We knew each other for a long time – longer than we knew our spouses. Neither of us are “lookers”; it wasn’t that. We were lonely and found out that we loved each other. Now what? Neither of us wanted to divorce. We tried to keep our distance. We would make an effort to avoid each other. It was hard. It always failed.

              At some point his wife became suspicious due to his behavior at home and he admitted to her he felt a connection to me. Obviously this ended my friendship with her. They went to counseling. He tried. Again, we would avoid contact. I would beg my husband to work with me. He would refuse. The other man and I decided to consider our marriages separately from each other over the summer and then take it from there. We had minimal contact all summer. At the end of the summer he expressed to me that he just didn’t think he could love his wife the way he needed to and she was very unhappy. Even without seeing me he couldn’t love her the way she deserved. Now I couldn’t really love my husband like I loved this other man either, but my husband wasn’t demanding that from me. In fact, he didn’t seem to mind at all. I was at my wits end. I wanted my husband to work it out with me. I felt that if he put in the effort and worked with me I could forget this other man. After a lot of thinking and praying and therapy I decided to discuss divorce with my husband. The other man did the same with his wife. The thinking on his end was “if I can’t love her the way I should, I need to let her go.” I agreed. It wasn’t fair to her. She deserved more.

              Neither of us took this lightly. We cried. We tried avoiding each other. We tried with our spouses. We were tortured. Finally he tried to leave and so did I.

              I sat my husband down and told him I couldn’t live in a marriage like this anymore. At first he agreed and was fine with divorcing. Then he wasn’t. He came back to me a few days later and agreed to work on things.

              The other man tried to leave as well. But he became very distressed at the idea of leaving his children. We agreed we should both stay married and not talk anymore. At all. It was the right thing, and if my husband was willing to work at things I had no reason to leave.

              The other man became very upset. He continued to text me. I should have ignored him. I didn’t. I was actually worried about him. He was very conflicted. He wanted his children and he wanted me. He told me he couldn’t love his wife. I told him he had to try. We couldn’t speak anymore. He asked me to promise him someday we could be together. I told him we couldn’t do that. It wasn’t fair to anyone. I told him to go to see a psychiatrist because he seemed unstable. He agreed. His wife was at her wits end, and who could blame her?? He was leaving, now he wasn’t, but he was an emotional wreck. She began snooping. His phone that was always locked was, for some reason, left unlocked and out there waiting for her to look. There were texts on there of him telling me he loved me, etc. She saw it all.

              What followed was a fucking nightmare. I know, I’m a horrible person and I deserved it all. My husband got a call from his wife of course. I was devastated. I knew I wanted to make it work with my husband and now I didn’t know if that was going to happen. Luckily, my husband was forgiving. He admitted he had been neglectful and he understood. He was amazing. We moved forward. The other man was kicked out of his house and put on meds. I don’t know what happened on his end after that. We have no contact, but a mutual friend told me he said he still loved me. And I still love him. We haven’t spoken in two months. My husband had been amazing. He has been doing everything right. But I still love the other man and I wish I could stop. It’s not fair to my husband. Do I leave? What about my children?? My husband is giving my no reason to leave now!! He is perfect, but the damage from the past is still there. Years of neglect followed by my emotional betrayal. I hope it will get better.

              My point is, staying with someone you don’t love the way you should is wrong. My other man tried to do it and his wife sensed it and it hurt more than if he just left. He should have left. Regardless of me. On my end, it’s the same really. If I can’t love my husband the way I should, then I need to leave. It’s not fair. To anyone. I’m not giving up yet, but I won’t do this forever.

            • Mm

              I would say talk to your husband. Explain that you need time to get back to yourself. The effect of the neglect and the emotional turmoil has been hard and faking a positive responce everytime he does something that you have asked him to do a thousand times before but never did will not fix everything straight away but explain to him that you will need time but he will need to continue to make an effort. As will you. Little gestures if kindness from both of you. Also remember people dont know what they have till it goes im guessing you have scared the hell out of him so that can change a person but dont do the whole lets go back to normal thing. This is now a new marriage. Seek counciling again if you need to. Then one day he ll make you a cup of coffee look at you them bam it hits you your marriage is back. It will take time as long as you both keep working. This bit is tough its the darkest part but people have said if you get through this and reach the other end your marraige is better than before and best of all. GUILT FREE. I dont know you but yoy sound like you actually really do love your husband other wise you would of left regardless. You miss and are still in love with the man he was and the new guy was a glimpse of that..and this may sound nieve but say you left. Whats to say new guy dorsnt turn out the same way and your left grieving again. Maybe if he spent they attention affection and the openess with his wife that he spent on you maybe thier marrage would of worked. Thats not a dig at you btw that was his choice to give you more. Im not condoning but as nothing physical happened it tells me you are still in to your marriage. Hope you work it out

            • Hurt

              This person sounds really sad and reminds me of my situation. I am the covenant wife and my husband of 23 years has left me and our 3 children. What’s truly amazing is what the OW believe. I don’t know about her situation but mine is so crazy to me. My husband cheated for 1 Year that I know about. He promised this was a friend he was helping from work but when I found out about her he agreed to discontinue the relationship. 6 months later I find out that he is spending a lot of money on his relationship with the OW. I was mad about the cheating but equally as mad about the money. He had shut off our cable, cut back on our phone service, telling us we had to eat at home because he didn’t have money, and stopped taking us anywhere. I felt bad that we were struggling so I went along with it all. He was spending $125 on flowers and $100 on meals some times twice a day with her. The day I approached him he said he was leaving me. I couldn’t believe it. During are marriage my husband has been very passive about sharing his feelings. I would BEG him to tell me his thoughts, dreams, what made him mad or happy but I wouldn’t get much. I loved him and he convinced me that he just wasn’t as emotional as I was but loved me too. I excepted this behavior. In other words he NEVER EVER told me about any problems he had with me. Even after his affair I begged him to tell me what was I doing wrong or what can I do and he just said it had nothing to do with me that I did nothing wrong and he was being selfish but this time he was still cheating, going to marriage therapy with me to help me deal with the affair, always assuring me like he always did that he loved me and would never leave. And that I was paranoid when he started to disappear again. And you know what? He still left! He left me with our 3 children to deal with their emotions that they couldn’t understand. We always spoke against it. Bragging about his parents who were together 47 years. He left me to deal with all the deceit, embarrassment, linings and everything else. The man who never showed any emotion (except for irritation since he had been with her and she makes him happy) now became emotionally abusive. He said he had not loved me in over 10 years, we have nothing in common (that’s because when he started a relationship with her he stopped doing anything with me or the kids), she gets things done (I would to if he would give me more than $20 on the nightstand blah blah blah blah blah! I feel so betrayed. I asked him why wouldn’t he just tell me he wasn’t happy. I knew he wasn’t but he was having problems at work so I figured it was that. I’ve always encouraged him to get personal counseling because of his upbringing. He said he was just trying to work it out. How does a person “work out a marriage” if the other person is not included in on it. Nor knows that the problem is with them. For over a year I’ve felt so bad how they were doing him at work and how he didn’t have money that I tried to cut back everywhere (except for the kids school) to help him and he up and leaves! And he not only leaves but the day after he left he became very cruel as if I cheated on him. Crazy! He’s never even had a real conversation with me about why he is leaving. He wants to only communicate by text or through the children if he is talking to him. He won’t call them or come by but he will speak to them if they reach out. He’s done a couple of drop off and pick ups and waves to the kids from the car if he has been with the other. My kids are so confused. We were very involved in our church. He held several very high positions. No one I mean no one can believe it. He had us all fooled. I’ve told at least 25 people (because we were always together) and not one neighbor, friend, relative, church friend or the therapist can believe this. It’s just that unreal. Even the men we know say, “he left you, I’ve always admired what respect you showed him”. Couples have said we were their inspiration if our marriage stood the test theirs could. Youth can’t believe that their spiritual leader and mentor has left. It goes against everything he taught and believed. But he did. Now he said he is waiting on money to divorce me. He won’t even talk to me to tell me face to face. I love this man but the devil has taken over his mind. He is leaving everything he knows (except his good paying job) to be with this woman. I haven’t given up. It’s hard to give op now almost 24 years for a couple of years of a mid life crisis. It’s just unbelievable how you can tell your wife how much you love her in the morning and at 10pm tell her you are leaving her for someone else on Halloween. Surprisingly, I’ve prayed for them both and her daughter that Gods wrath won’t destroy them. They are preparing for a life of misery felled with guilt and shame. And that’s exactly why he can’t look or talk to me because refuses still to tell me what I did wrong to deserve divorce. Absolutely nothing. OW you are destroying lives not just the Wife but everyone else around them. Maybe you don’t care but you should. What if you were me. People ask me how I’m doing or how I feel – let me tell you. I feel that the man I loved, honored, respected and married died on Oct 31, 2016 and I never got a chance to say good-bye.

            • Denise

              Wow! My exact story!!! We were married 21 years. The woman he left me for is much younger, only 6 years older than our oldest child. The only difference is my husband has divorced me. I would have done anything to fix my marriage, and to help my family. I do not feel that he left because I was horrible..because I gave him all of me. I think it has to do with his childhood and abandonment. I pray for them both and even though he tries to turn our children against me to benefit him, I choose to forgive and fill my heart with love, not hate.

            • Brinze

              As the BS I can still have some compassion for you, believe it or not. Here is the part that is wrong in your long sad story. Did you ever admit, or are you honest with yourself about the doors you so innocently opened at the very beginning? When you talked as friends, then talked some more, etc etc? Did you ever admit and confess that you KNEW you were playing with Fire?? And you liked it?? Come on. Go there. Your husband could have been all those horrible things, but maybe he was sensing a disconnect. One can never discount the vibe or spirit that exists between married folks. It’s very difficult to simply say he was distant and that set all else in motion. Why was he distant really? Maybe he sensed a rebellious evil in his wife’s heart? Who knows. The curse for your other man is that he thinks he loves you and may never have you. That false, and yes, demonic, sense of love power will torture and eventually kill him, unless he gives his life to the Lord. You also are in for the struggle of your life. The kicker is that if you two forelorn lovers ever got together permanently and legally, all that special love power will fade and turn to torture itself. Happens every time. You would t be the exception. It’s demonic. Seduction. Until all involved are shredded. That’s why cheating is the line in the sand. You crossed it and you knew you wanted to way before you “fell in love”. I exhort you for your sake to be honest with God and yourself. These love scenarios are like drug addictions. At first we just take a little bit and enjoy the buzz. But then poof, the drug owns YOU. It calls the shots. You are enslaved/ in love with it. That’s what happened. I feel for how you must have felt imprisoned. I did too. But I never cheated. God is now rewarding me for it. I wish you could see this. I hope you do.

            • Susan

              The way your husband was treating you was emotional and mental abuse. It is form of domestic violence. It’s the way men start behaving when they start having an affair. I got treated this way by my ex-husband and found out years later he started treating me badly because he was cheating, and started ruining our relationship with abuse as a perverse way of justifying the cheating. He would have been saying to the other women that he had a bad marriage, but that is a lie because it was a good stable marriage until he started cheating and abusing me and single handedly deliberately wrecking our marriage with unprovoked abuse just so he could claim he had a bad marriage. I was totally bewildered because we did not have any problems in our marriage and this abuse came out of no where. Years later I found out what he was doing by a friend of his and the woman he was cheating with. To this day he won’t be honest with me.

              Personally I believe that you are just being manipulated by your husband who was probably cheating on you all along, but now acting like the fairy godmother to avoid losing control of you and getting dumped, and to prevent you from being happy with someone else who really loved you. Your husband proved by his sadistic unrelenting abuse on you that he does not love you, and only starting acting decent to prevent you from being with someone else.

            • Claire

              I know this is old but I just can’t read this and say nothing.

              An affair doesn’t become justifiable even if there are problems in a marriage – and maybe if there are problems the BS doesn’t know about them. It is just not okay.

              If you have met ‘your one’ and they have already once thought someone else was theirs but now think it was you instead then wait for them to leave their spouse before starting a relationship.

              It’s all really hard to deal with, especially if the BS didn’t realise their husband/wife was unhappy (maybe they still did all the romantic stuff they always had, perhaps they still had great sex, they probably still made big plans for their future and might even have been planning more children).

              The discovery that the person you trust most in the world has lied repeatedly to you, often at really important moments of your life, over many years, is shattering. It feels like your heart has been physically crushed.

              If you genuinely believe you’re meant to be with someone who is already married and they feel the same, remember that once ‘your love’ once loved their spouse enough to say they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with them.

              Life happens, no one is shiny 100% of the time like you can be in stolen moments. At least show some honour and respect. Don’t be complicit in someone lying to someone they happily married and who loves them more than anything else in the world whilst believing they are getting the same in return.

            • 2 way street

              You have a point but Bitch Please!

            • Maureen

              Spot on!

            • Isledivah

              Now you are an example of a BITTER person who can’t forgive. Again, don’t name names dear and never wish death upon someone. You are not GOD and you just lost God’s Trust in you to do good. SHAME ON YOU!

            • Tara

              There is no such thing as a home-wrecker simply because if a third party can enter the relationship bubble, then your relationship was weak to start off with. There is no such thing as a home-wrecker because if it was all based on another person ‘tempting’ our partner, or entering our partner’s proximity with bad intentions, then no relationship would ever work out, and we might as well never have an intimate relationship, and they would never be worth it, and we could all remain single.

            • Christina

              Wrong you are…a home wrecker is exactly what they are if they know a man / woman is married and continue in that relationship…they are home wreckers…they have the choice to get out of the relationship and if they don’t and continue with someone who is married that is wrong…especially if there are children…they will burn in hell!

            • Danni

              something is wrong in the home already-and it is with the cheater who presents a committed relationship to the world while deceiving many with immoral and abusive actions.

            • Brinze

              Agreed. Both parties have decided to live a wickedness that goes beyond description… I know there are various faiths here. There is SUCH wisdom in this small proverb though….”the mouth of an adulteress is like a deep pit; the one with whom the Lord is angry will fall into it” Proverbs 22:14. The key to this is that the spouse has already angered God. The cheating spouse is only going to fall into the whore’s evil pit because his mind and heart was not right or kind or faithful ALREADY!! The affair partner can only steal what the willing partner is willing for her or him to steal! They are BOTH wicked and evil in their actions. This is why I can’t STAND it when I hear that there must have been problems in the marriage! First, what marriage doesn’t at some season?!? Second, yes there are problems but what cheaters can’t admit is that the primary problem is THEM! Their hearts are entitled, selfish, impulsive, resentful, prideful, with an insatiable need to feed their egos. That’s identical for the cs or the ap. I know I wasn’t perfect in my marriage but I was pretty dang good!! I don’t beat myself up anymore. He chose to be the heartless and selfish liar he became, and subsequently he fell into the pit that was quietly waiting. People are NOT just good sweet folks who just FALL, like oops it just struck me and I fell! Nope, as this passage says, their hearts were dancing dangerously all around the pit, making excuses for their wrong thoughts and desires, and blaming their spouse for it all. Adultery is the fatal culmination of a deeply wicked heart that never surrenders to correction. The fuse was lit long before it blew. They won’t admit it. Not usually. Some eventually do. And for them there is mercy and forgiveness. Again, to sum up, they are both equally evil. The adulteress thinks she got an ego boost by being able to steal a “good” man from his family and his wife who doesn’t understand him. She doesn’t know that he is not good, and he was a sitting duck for the likes of her, that she is a dime a dozen. Sometimes they can later admit this, but usually they keep making excuses and blaming others. They are the same.

            • me

              Awesome! You are right in every way! And for anyone to say there were problems in the marriage to justify this has only heard one side of the story and it’s always the side of the cheating spouse so of course they believe them. In my case I Facebook messaged his “whore” because she was in the Philippines. She clearly stated, “I don’t care that he is married and has children. I love him.” She just turned 25 and he will soon be 54. She is now here with him in the U.S. with their 18 month old but she left behind her 6 year old daughter. These people are so blind and really stupid! Sick, sick, sick!

            • Christina

              Well said…the justifications these whores make for their wrong doings is disgusting! Death to all mate poaching, home wrecking whores!

            • Dude


          • Tonja

            I guess you have convinced yourself of your goodness so can you sleep at night.

            Surely even you can see through your delusions and lack of moral compass that God will never send you someone else’s husband.

            There is a special place reserved in hell for women like you and I wish you God speed.

            • ariella

              Oh, a tour guide for “Hell” What an interesting occupation!

            • you poor victims

              Please see my comments above. Why are you holding onto anger? It’s bad for you, not other people.

            • Nikki

              emotional vampire, advise is not just good or bad, but requires good timing.

            • Not a cheater

              Whats really hurts is the fact my husband is not perfect and I did not cheat on him but he cheated on me. He was just as awful to me and I did not cheat

            • Corinne

              I’m with you on this. I think the article is BS as, in my experience, the OW is not introspective enough to see herself as selfish. After all, people wouldn’t be selfish if they were introspective and looked deeply at themselves, would they?

            • Christina

              Exactly Tonja! well said…the justifications of these slimy home wreckers is astounding!

          • MaisieBlueEyes

            I agree with the “home-wrecking whore” comment. You “just fell in love????” How exactly did that happen? You both made a decision to make this happen and took the actions that would start and continue an affair. Take responsibility. You went after another woman’s husband. I wonder how happy you truly are with your prize, a fellow liar, cheater and adulterer. Your vile union started in a dirty evil place and that is where it will end, if its not already over with.
            My brother left his wife of 25 years for his affair partner. Things have steadily gone downhill, and last winter, I happened to look at her Facebook page one night around 2am. She normally does not publicly post any photos, but for about an hour she had a gallery up of pictures of herself, with not one of her husband. She was obviously sniffing around online. By morning the photos were gone again. Did I tell my brother? WHY WOULD I….he deserves her and she him. Last I heard they are separated. Another shining example of two sleazes getting their Karma. Karma that is coming YOUR way Honey if it hasn’t already arrived.

            • Isledivah

              So, If I may ask, Is it fair for the children to experience a relationship with a lot of anger and sadness because Mom and Dad can’t seem to work things out?? Not all married couples are loving. Sometimes they get married for the wrong reasons and end up regretting and that will affect the child. YOU are all a bunch of idiots and need to check yourselves before you judge other people. Sheesh!!!

            • Claire

              I think the majority of people on here felt they had good marriages. That’s the main issue. If you are the only one who doesn’t realise there is a problem then how could you be expected to address it? I think people who have affairs like to imagine the marriage they are involved in destroying as already broken so to alleviate a level of guilt.

              I would consider myself reasonably intelligent and a good judge of character yet my husband had an affair for four years. In that time we bought a ‘home for life’ and had two further children. He frequently told me how much he loved me and I him, that I was his world etc etc, we bought me surprise gifts, we saw friends together, we had good sex (not as often as before children but we weren’t in some kind of sex drought!).

              When I found out, he said he would never ever have left me had I not found out and that he genuinely felt the affair he was having with his junior at work would have fizzled out. He said I was prettier and more fun than she was but that she was kinder to him. At the time he said we were part of each other, that he knew he would probably look back on this as his biggest mistake and that he thought we’d be back together in a few years(wtf!!!). Anyway, he’s now with her so take from that what you will.

              Fair enough relationships don’t always work out even when there are children involved but I think honesty is a pretty basic requisite in any relationship. If you’re not happy then say so. Maybe your spouse would be prepared to do whatever it took to make your relationship work before it was too late. Don’t say you’re happy, let your spouse think everything is going the way it shoul and then cheat. Of course people fall out of love but you either decide to work on what you have and make it work or you leave your marriage and then start a relationship with someone new. Honesty is not a complicated concept.

              I think that unless you have experienced that moment where the bottom falls out of your world, where you feel that you might die because you can’t breathe and then struggle for months and months to get out of bed and put on a happy face for the children you had with someone who promised they would be with you forever, and who days before you found out about their affair had been planning retirement trips with you for twenty years into the future then you should keep your nasty comments to yourself or write them on a site that is deigned to support the emotional needs of someone who decides to play a major role in the destruction of an entire family. There are sites for that too but I didnt think this was one of them.

            • Diamond Lopez

              The bottom line is this take notes if your planning to Fuck some other Woman’s Husband…
              If He is fucking you, spending money ,and time on you. She is being robbed by the both of you selfish narcissistic whores. You both are responsible for destroying a marriage!…
              Weather he tells you he’s not happy with her and their life together. To get into your panties is not valid.
              You knew he was married and you still fucked him,You are wrong.
              If He wasn’t happy with her he should have communicated truthfully to her. That is a weak excuse poor defense to cheat in His Wife with you. You knew he was married at some point. You should have been strong enough to pull out then apologizing. You did not … Because you did not care about anybody else but yourself…
              Your a Homewrecker Whore!
              There is no forgiveness in it for you.
              She the betrayed wife may temporarily feel sorry for you that is short lived. Because You hurt her children in this process.
              In my case I listened to my children tell me their painful testimony.
              The bitch treats my children like Hansel and Gretel. She Literally tryed to kick my Son out of his Daddy’s house!
              She trys to call my son’s live in girlfriend / fiancée a nasty whore.
              I was asked what I’d do if this happened in my house ..lmfao
              Now she has a conscious and has morals… Lmfao
              I just looked at my ex and said this.
              Regardless of what your new wife says this girl was here way before Maria came to live with you. Your Son was in your life way before her.
              Your daughter was here before you ever knew Your new wife and I was here before her.
              You can’t cheat on your wife abd bring the Mistress into your life in front of our children. Then tell my Son he has to get rid of his girlfriend / fiancée…
              Because they aren’t married…
              Your fake ass morals finally kicked in… Nobody can take your lame ass seriously

              I agree that entire section where The Mistress married your Husband after being in an affair with this man during his legitimate marriage with children in it and comingled mutual money and other assets that the Betrayed Wife worked in her 50% which added two the Marital estate. Add 50% per child to that pot. 75% plus the 50% of her sweat equity add 50% to her financial contributions for the 50% of her years working to help meet her husband’s needs physical ,mentally and Emotionally.
              That is giving and sharing in that Intact home 275% of her day in day out for 14 years of her life. Then have some hoe who’s not happy with her 8 year old marriage. Fuck your husband who should be in your home making love to me. But I’m sleeping alone thinking he’s working very hard to take care of us our family we created out of love together. Then When I need his part the most he’s absent. Didn’t bother to tell me who We were fucking. I totally trusted and believed in my husband’s loyalty. Stayed loyal to him through hell and back. The whore wanted to come out in the opened to pick my husband up to take him with her because he finally confessed to me. She was chosen by him as the babysitter. This hoe told our 4 year old that her Daddy and her loved each other but not to tell her mommy because if My Daughter did My Husband wouldn’t pay her the babysitting money…
              She remembers this and when they were still unmarried sleeping together after I kicked him out my house. This whore gets common law married to my ex husband… Starts abusing the two children we share together… Still he sticks up for his hoe …over his children…

            • amanda

              Married people who are unhappy with each other after a period of time and have tried to figure it out need to divorce. The point made here is cheating is far more hurtful, don’t cheat just get divorced and don’t wait for someone to get you out of the marriage cause you need a line to hold onto to pull you out. Pull yourself out that merits more respect than cheating on someone, that is a shitty low thing to do.

            • beautifulmomma

              been waiting for karma to hit my ex’s door but its not.just got the news that the wedding is to take place this month : wedding with the OW and jeez i was angry and sad…not that i wanted my ex back but because it reminded me of all their affair put me through, so much emotional anguish, torture and pain and it still hurts.
              and now to think i will have that woman as a step mother to my children —– i even feel worse .
              i wish people knew how cheating damages people.

            • Claire

              That is horrendous – what a horrible woman – and man really. Even if your children are too little to know now what has really happened, one day they will and I can’t think the other woman will come out of it very well. Can you imagine what you’d feel towards someone who had hurt your mother as much as she has hurt you? They’ll be likely able to forgive their father because they do t have much choice but I can’t imagine they’ll ever forgive her. Try not to torture yourself imagining them playing happy families with your children. She’ll resent them on some level however hard she tries to be reasonable and they’ll certainly resent her. What a bloody mess your ex has made.

            • Christina

              amen…so glad to see people telling the truth….it has been 4 years and I still am in pain as well as my teenage daughter because of a home wrecking whore!! you reap what you sew…no good parasites!!

          • MaisieBlueEyes

            Keep spouting your fluff…love the “no one owns no one” line. Lets see how lah-tee-dah you are when he cheats on you, if he hasn’t already.
            Watch your back Honey…..Karma’s coming.

            • ariella

              Shouldn’t that be “no one owns ANY one?” Oh, Karma is coming to dinner – any special dietary restrictions?

            • Lisa

              What a witty response. Look everyone. One of the homewreckers has come here to troll. Must be he isn’t paying attention to her this week or he has already moved on! LMAO!!

            • ariella

              Golly, so deep and insightful! Any messages from my long deceased Grandfather?

            • Lisa

              What’s the matter dear? Are you bored because he is spending the weekend with his wife becuase it’s Mother’s Day weekend? Don’t worry he will be back. You are the ONE after all right? LOL!

            • ariella

              If you could only have the insight to know how utterly ridiculous your comments really are and the way you make them blindly, not knowing anything. Guess all of your value and worth as an individual is tied up to whether or not a man is paying attention to you?

            • Helen Ovtroye

              To all the would-be mistresses out there. My daughter is 12. She found photos etc of a work colleague whom I am also acquainted with, who I have given jobs to etc. anyhow for over a year my little girl, knew what was going on, because her father allowed her to play with his phone all the time, and the stuff was just there, She kept it a secret until she could not longer bear to see the pain of me, her Mom. He father had been blaming me and being horrible to me the whole time of the affair. So my little girl decided when it was time to do something so SHE was the whistle blower on her own father to save her Mom from more and more lies and pain and unjustice. It is very hard for me to write this, but I will because if my little note here can stop anyone else from going this route, then I have done something, one drop in the oceans, but still one drop. The stress that happened after she whistle blowed was unbelieveable. At one point, her eyes started rolling back into her head and she started to sing Christian songs she learned from school. At that moment in time, my world slipped away, the walls were moving and I was losing balance in all forms. All the breast feeding, and all the 100% devotion I had shown to her all her life was now being ripped apart like a tsunami of pain and fear and horror. The horror to watch ones child in emotional and mental duress is unfathomable as one cannot really help. A cast will not repair anything, nor will stiches, nor all the presciptions in the world. To know, as a parent, that NOTHING is helping your child no matter how hard you try. To see a child pick up an empty wine bottle to go and attack her own father who she used to idolize,was if darkness itself manifested. To take the bottle away from the child and hold her close as she struggles to free herself from me, from her life, from her pain as the innocent victim, the sacred symbol of unity and Love between the union of a man and woman on God´s Earth. Affairs are not fun, nor sexy, nor is real Love ever a part of them. Mostly they are about lost souls who have long ago forgotten to check their moral compasses and have wondered off, tredding water within their own Egos, tossing about in the sea of life, like old Javex bottles broken free from their anchors, drifting about hoping to pick up bits and pieces of distraction and fantasy. My husband now says that his three year affair, was nothing more than a symptom of his mid life crisis. Imagine that. That actually made me feel a little sorry for the other Lady. Men are normally objectifying women with mistresses. Mistresses are sometimes true loves perhaps, even soul mates, but often the are nothing more than live sex dolls. The question to that potential mistress is…Would this man lie to you? or are you so much more special than the other number of women he has played. Because he has played before, he played his wife, and if he is not spending Christmas with you next year, he played you too. Lo siento. Truth is just that. Truth.. And I have written without bitterness, nor any swearing, nor name calling. I´ll leave that part to St. Peter when the time comes, but will be sure to hand over my dossier of evidence to Him. LOL For those of you who may think I am some form of higher level person by trying to stay above things…Not so much,,, I´m getting everything I want for my whole life or else a BIG dossier of evidence goes to a listserv of 55,000 people, because both of them are in a very high profile professional circle, as I was before I decided to take an early retirement kindly funded by my husband, and learn to make soap, perfume and do beading.. Time for another coffee. PS my deal with my husband is also that since he cheated for 15 yrs, I now get to cheat for the next 15 years. If he doesnt like something, the send button is pressed. I am not so much bitter and quite happy with myself. Wives, use their own EGOS against them if you can as that can be a good attack site.. Seven US states allow suing the mistresses also. Check it out….
              suggested reading …….Art of War

            • cynthia

              MaisieBlueEyes, You could support your brother as well as his former wife. When you said you looked at her facebook page at 2:00 and the pictures she posted were gone by the next morning , that seems obsessive on your part. Your brother could have probably used your support , you could support them both he and the former wife. As I said life is sometimes really messy and complicated. All of this bitterness serves no one, least of all you. I wish you the best! I mean it..

            • Gizfield

              Why is it that every time someone says that relationships are “complicated” it’s used to condone Cheating? There is nothing complicated about it. If you commit to another person, either in a committed relationship or marriage, you act in a way that supports that relationship. You don’t date others, you don’t lie, you don’t sneak. If you no longer want to be with the person you committed to, you man up, tell them, then either repair the relationship or end it. It’s not complicated, and anything else is WRONG. You are a cheater if you don’t get out of the first relationship before beginning another. Complicated is just code for some lame ass excuses to cheat.

            • cynthia

              Giz: you are absolutely correct, however I NEVER said or meant to imply that I condone someone being unfaithful. I guess my point would be that the infidelity has taken place already in many of these instances referred to in this forum, and my concern is what you do with that after it has happened, and how you handle it so it is least detrimental to yourself. Obviously, many of these people have experienced a good deal of pain, and I worry about HOW they process it (for their sakes and concern for their well being and healing.) You are right! .

            • gizfield

              That’s cool, Cynthia, no problem. I agree that cheating is harmful to everyone myself. The best a person can do is learn from it so they don’t repeat it.

            • Ishy

              Just for curiosity…

              Anyone, BS or AP or WS. Go on a relationship site and post this.

              I met this person. We get along very well and I have strong feelings. And I believe this other person does, too. But this person is married. The spouse is mean and controlling. The marriage has been over for years. I know I can help and be there for this person. What should I do?

              If you get the response…” Go for it. The marriage is over.” Let me know.

            • Danni

              obsessiveness makes for good detective work-and when you know someone is lying to you, would you deny them the knowledge of the truth which is a precept of our Judicial System, so suggest you contemplate “obsessive” before you give your psychoanalysis of someone’s single act of behavior.

            • Christina

              She is right not to support the home wrecking whore! she deserves nothing but disdain and shunning for her actions!

          • MaisieBlueEyes

            And who are you to tell others to “grow up?” Part of being an adult is keeping the promises you make and resisting temptation. I do find it curious that you, supposedly so snug and happy in your new life, is online in this discussion at all. What are you looking for…something to relieve your guilt?
            I would think you would be too busy with your new husband and wonderful new life …yet you are online searching and writing about this topic.
            Hmmm……….trouble in paradise already????

            • VictoriousAnyway


              Thank you so much for your words here!. I am VERY recently (less than a month divorced) from my ex who married the OW (almost 20 years younger then him) 4 days after our divorce was final. Now we have been separated for 3 almost 4 years and in the middle of all of this I have had him of course blaming me for our problems. Living with him wasn’t’ easy but I loved him and took my vows of commitment seriously. Sadly he did not and he allowed his family and the OW to convince him that “no harm, no foul” if only they knew the pain and the tears that they caused with their behavior as I held our then 2 year old daughter as she cried nightly for her dad who abandoned us for what he thought was going to be the better life and honestly while they spent all their time making me the “common enemy” it probably was good for them. The OW will always have some trust issues as the article indicates, although we have a child, he was not allowed to contact me unless it was under her watchful eye (trust issues anyone) and whenever she would find out we spoke she argued with him and he (cowardly) changed his number and will go large amounts of time without speaking to his daughter but that is of course always blamed on me. (yeah, right) Well, there new marriage started and the next day he started a new job driving a truck and has been gone for quite some time. Now, the OW who has a 1 year old of her own (honestly feel that was purposeful after I corrected the you will not have my daughter call you mother situation upon her attempts) and she is now doing what I have had to handle for the past 3 years without the backdrop of my parent’s money (yes her parents are financially well set and purchased the two home wreckers a house without knowing that he was married of course) All those things that he was doing for her, he’s not there to do anymore and while she’s probably enjoying playing the “happy little home wrecking housewife” at this time. She’s absolutely, most definitely going to experience one or two things, she will either driver herself crazy expecting him to cheat on her (by the way he did ask me to take him back on more than one occasion prior to them getting married), or WILL be cheated on by him. Either way it is very true, you reap what you sow. May not come today, but it will come. Those two put me through absolute HELL and everything was considered my fault, but all of that was shown to be untrue and I survived by the grace of God.

              My pain is quite fresh and I have felt very alone so I am very glad I came across this blog and again I thank you for your comments to the OW who is basically trying to find a way to make herself feel better for displaying such poor character. it has helped me feel not so alone.

            • VictoriousAnyway

              Oh and for anyone thinking I blame her only, not even. She willingly and wide eyed walked into an adulterous relationship and while I have no respect for her my respect for my ex runs low too because HE is the one that made the commitment and failed his family. He is the one that wasn’t able to stand up and be the man he always hoped to be.

            • cynthia

              Victorious Anyway!!! I am so sorry for what happened. Guess what? You have what it takes to get through this, I can tell. You will find another and you will be so happy. You are not alone!

            • Jessica

              wow your story sounds like mine. i have been going through same crap but i am still with him. im trying to find a job and so i can save up money and get a divorce once and for all. mine is back to cheating again and we separated before over this, when we got back together it was going good and we moved so i ended up quitting my job cause it was to far so i went back to being a stay at home mom. plus he wanted me home with kids. well come to find out he is back to cheating again! i thought you have got to be kidding me!!!! now its everything is my fault, i’m lazy cause i dont have a job and i have no ambition in life? i thought what? once upon a time before when i found out he was having his first affair, he made great money, i made decent money and for us and our kids wanted to buy a house but he wouldn’t do it. i thought why? we made great money of course he made more then me but we would of been just fine but nope! one time we opened up a business and it was in my name, i helped him with it but in the end he gave up on it so we closed the doors. still i tried but he never wanted to but that was because he was having a affair. i ended up back with him and thought he changed but nope, after while was back to cheating. also why is it when they do this they make you look like the bad guy? i am not saying i am perfect but i bent over backwards for this guy and now he is back to cheating and making me out to be this lazy housewife who sits at home all day and watches tv, oh this new woman has money by the way. he had me quite my job! i clean the house, i mow the lawn, i take my kids to school and pick them up, i have dinner ready when they walk in the door, he hurt his back awhile ago and i served him in bed, i rubbed his back, helped him wash in a tub, i did everything for him but i dont understand why and not just his mistress but he talks bad about me to everyone? then again while everyone thinks he is such a great guy he talks about them behind their backs and you have no idea how bad i would love to say to everyone oh you think he is a great guy? if only you new how bad he talks about you. right now he is out of town he later told me he bought a cabin! i had no idea he was going to do that til later. and he went down there again for business? i have been there for this guy for all his crap and this is what i get! i feel embarrassed, i feel so bad for my kids cause here we go again! i just dont understand how he treats me this way!!! or even thinks of the kids? we talked about it before about how his actions effected the kids but obviously he doesn’t care. i am trying to find job now but so far no luck but i will keep trying. im stuck finding third shift since when school starts have to take kids to school plus my daughter always has homework and god forbid he helps. hard argueing with him cause he is one of those guys who has a answer for everything! geez he can come up with a story..

            • Rachel

              They yell and blame us because they know they are at fault. Need to blame others for their errors.
              It’s not you!!!
              Good luck finding a job. Something will turn up.

            • Jessica

              Thank you for answering me! i get tired of everything being my fault. he is so malitive or how ever you spell it. i hope when i do see the judge they will see right through his bs.

            • lisa

              you went wrong by quitting your job and going back. They never change, if they drop one mistress they will pick up another

            • Danni


          • sammy

            “I met a guy some years ago, he was apparently trapped in a horrible marriage”

            Trapped? Like the spouse locked all the doors? held a gun to his head? The poor sausage couldn’t extricate himself and needed you to do it for him? How lame. If it was so horrible, he could have filed for divorce. Cheating involves cowardice. A real man faces the issues, speaks up and if the issues can’t be resolved, moves forward with a divorce. Not scoping out the landscape for replacements first before jumping ship. That is entitlement and cowardice.

            • IdesofMarch

              I am a betrayed wife with many similarities to the stories here. X got bored with monogamy and parenting so off he went.

              He tricked ow by telling her he was a widower and she kept him when he confessed. He wanted an open marriage and I do not share that. It was 20 years. He never said his problems to me just began strangd behavior and left. I lost my home, animals, job, money, more.

              They are engaged with a date the week before what would be our 20th anniversary. I had a baby when he faked coning back. Put his ring on evdrything. Ow still in picture.

              for a time I tried to empathize with ow but if I ever want a man again it sill be one proven single. I just do not understand the inability to walk away from someghing that belongs to someone else, even with problems.

              ow that x picked feels that she is saving him. He blames all wrongs on me. But never told me as I said. He said “I just wanted a fling.”

              Ow knows he was with me again, years ago now and I had another child. That I dont get either. I think he may not respect anyone and wonder, with idle curiosity, how it will go. It is constant drama if I hear at all.

            • Was reading this article for support

              My brother was indeed trapped in a horrible marriage. It does happen. Because of how he was raised, he believed he had to stay in the marriage. He did not cheat. But she, after he finally divorced her after 21 years of mental, verbal and physical abuse, admitted once he had paid her all the alimony due, that she from day one was cheating on him the whole time. Not every situation is black and white.

            • Excuses

              Fact still remains, religion or not, he still could have left her cheating *ss not unless he was being held hostage, hog tied in a dark basement while being fed old canned beans.. i hope your brother is ok now & has moved on with someone who is worthy of being with him & treatig him like a king

            • Danni

              the man I knew had scoped me out, but I discovered his past in time. He had piggybacked every and numerous women, never ending one relationship, and then taking care of himself, but always finding the new woman with a home, assets, high income job, to embroil in a relationship and then snipping the other from his life like a piece of wire.

            • Ishy

              Well put! I’ve been hit on by quite a few men…that I honestly was attracted to…that were married. They flocked in after they heard what happened to me and wanted to be my shoulder to cry on.

              What??? I knew their wives. I knew their kids! What was in it for me?!!! At first, I thought it was sweet, but then the fact that they helped me move a fridge became a secret. Why? Because they wanted more. Because they didn’t want me to tell their wives that they were helping me so much. I let them know right off that I wasn’t going to fix their marriage and I CERTAINLY wasn’t going to be the nail in the coffin.

              A year later, those men are still married. Maybe things are bad, maybe just tolerable, but they aren’t leaving without an escape route. An affair partner may be that escape route, but they aren’t HELPING anything. They are just a temporary fix for one person. The cheater. Maybe the AP is lonely and they see this future…that may or may not be possible, but you really have to think about what the AP is allowing to happen. What is their responsibility, here?

              I finally put myself in the AP’ s shoes for a minute. It comes down to loneliness, selfishness, and insecurity. I felt that as well. I think I could have filled the hole (lmao on that one) with the warmth of one of those men. They weren’t bad people. Good jobs, nice…oh…but they were looking to cheat on their wives! (Oops. Almost missed that one)

              I fortunately was able to shut it down before it started. There are sooooooo many good single men out there. Go online. Go out and flirt. There really is no reason to break up a family. They can do that on their own.

            • Violet

              Ishy… I commend you!

              It takes a very strong, emotionally mature and morally stable person to stand firm and do whats right. Your actions not only reflect the respect you have for yourself, the the compassion and understanding of human condition.

              We are all emotional creatures and decisions are make constantly throughout our lives. I have learned that people are placed in your life to test you and push you to look deep i side yourself in order to become the whole person you are meant to be.

              When people choose to only focus on their “self precieve need” and forget to acknowledge how their decision can either ripple positive or negative waves to those around them…it is clear they still have not learn the real lessons of life and without a doubt, they will remained trapped (justifying, manipulating,etc) until they learn that we are all extensions of another and desires, feelings and wants are just product of unfinished SELF healing that needs to be taken care of.

              When you are whole… it will becone practically imposible to get yourself in a situation that DEEP DOWN you know will destroy you and others eventually. You will understand that not all you need is within you. You also learn that being faithful is a gift you give yourself more then it is towards the other person. Youlearn that when you cross that line of betrayal, you have eternally damaged your soul in the most devestating way. The energy thats released during a betrayal is so dark that all those surrounding the cheater will be affected for life. It is like a spiritual death and therefore that tries to blume from death will prosper or grow.

              Ishy… you are truly blessed

          • Cyndi

            If he was that miserable, he should have divorced her before having an affair. As a BW, I still consider you a homewrecker. It is usually not as bad as the CS lets on that it is. My H was saying horrible things about me that were twisted reality. He made it sound way worse than it was. My children can’t stand their dad’s girlfriend of 5 years. They are a lot smarter than she thinks.

            • sammy

              Chances are more likely that although the cheater complained his needs weren’t being met (typical cheaterspeak) and blamed his wife because she couldn’t fix all his deficits, he was the one not meeting HER needs. The OW should ask him what he’s doing for his wife (because that may be the OW’s position in the future). I really don’t understand these OW…don’t they see that a cheater is by definition selfish…trying to get attention to get his cake? It’s rarely about caring about the OW. The cheater only cares about what HE is getting…he is by definition a user. Or there’s the other kind of cheater – the ones who are convinced they are the white knights that will rescue needy women…notice how he doesn’t rescue others who may need rescuing, whether they be old women, kids, young men, etc? It’s all about CAKE. He wouldn’t be a white knight without getting sex from the needy damsels. If the cheater REALLY cared about people, he would say, “let me fix my life and until I do, I’m not getting involved with anyone else”. Personally I would never be involved with a cheater (even if single) because I would not have respect for someone who thinks and acts so selfishly. It’s a character issue. It’s not really a gender issue….this applies to cheating wives too.

            • Tossed With the trash

              Couldn’t be more spot on!

          • Chris

            I felt a sense of relief reading your comment. I have been with my husband for 35 years. I stopped loving him 20 years ago. I’m just with him because I don’t want him to be sad if I ask for a divorce. Every single day he tells me how much he loves me and goes out of his way to make me happy. I’m afraid of Karma. I’m afraid if I leave I will be alone or constantly looking for happiness for the rest of my life. There is a man I’m interested in. We’ve been friends for 30 years. I cry every single day. I’ve been seeking therapy but because I’m not a “typical” case i.e. suicidal, no one will talk to me. I hate myself. But I am in love with my friend

            • Joe

              Hello Chris,

              I’m a MM (married man) who had a affair for 15 years and I understand your situation completely.

              You will not get any help from this website but if you email me at joe doks the 3rd (one word) at (@) yahoo [dot] com, I would be happy to talk with you.

            • Gizfield

              Chris, if your husband is as nice as you say he is, the last thing he DESERVES is to be married to a CHEATER. But nobody does, so thats a moot point.

              You appear to be in your forties, possibly fifties. Definitely old enough to know right from wrong. My guess is that you want validation that your situation is unique and therefore it’s ok. It is neither.

              You enjoy the perks of marriage while daydreaming of your friend. If you LOVE him as much as you say, you will want an Authentic relationship with him. An affair is definitely not the answer. Be honest with your husband, get a divorce.he can move on with his life as can you and your friend.

            • cynthia

              Very Good Advice, Giz!

            • Nikki

              Before you leave the marriage, find out why you can’t make yourself happy. I have found happiness is an inside job. You could leave the marriage and then discover that you replicate your situation with someone else…

            • OHC

              Chris, I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. Your husband will likely be sad if you ask for a divorce, but think about how much happier both of you could be–he could be with someone madly in love with him and you would have that opportunity as well.

              I can’t tell if you are in an emotional affair with your friend right now or whether you have feeligs for him but are unsure of his feelings back. One thing I can tell you, as someone who was in an EA for many years with someone I loved very much–they aren’t very much fun. It’s soul wrecking for the two people involved, even though many people think it’s all fun and games. The end of mine was like a bomb going off in both my life and my AP’s life, even though his wife never found out. I’m still picking up the pieces now from how it affected both my personal life and my career. And btw, it was incredibly difficult while still going on as well. And I’m not even touching on what it does to his marriage (since there are plenty of others on the forum to comment on that!)

              My advice is to not view this is as either your husband or your friend, but to view this as how do you take control of your own life and own hapiness. How do you release your husband, whom I’m sure you care about very much, so you can both enjoy a fuller life? Once you take those important first steps you will be able to figure out if your friend is a good fit for you or not.

              I wish you luck

            • IdesofMarch

              This happened to me, if x is truthful.

              We have been divorced a shild now. Most of my sadness now is for the loss of time spent on my own life that I spent being devoted to him while he had no care at all.

              Though he is gone, I am finally living authentically.

              Please be very careful. It sounds like you have guilt. But it is two lives to consider. And gently, be honest if you want to leave and dont make your unhappiness his fault because you stay. It is your choice like it would be his.

            • Chris too

              Chris, I did not have another that I loved, but I fell out of love my husband years and years before divorce. He, too, would claim to love me, and I did not follow through with my own wishes because I thought somehow I was selfish. After all, he was “such a nice guy”, he claimed to love me, he claimed everything he did was for me. Thing is, this was not the truth, and it wasn’t until, after nearly 40 years, that I realized that every niggling feeling I had had over the years was justified and I should have listened. In the end I discovered I was married to a heartless, selfish,covert personality-disordered narcissist, a grandmaster of gas-lighting, who set out to completely destroy me in the end when he felt threatened that I would “expose” him to the world as someone less than perfect, which I never had any intention of doing. It was his own personality he was projecting on to me. I know yours may be completely different situation, but the fact that you are in a marriage where you are afraid of hurting the other because you want out: this screams to me of my situation. Please read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and visit the support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse, and talk about your feelings there. You may find that others recognize your husband as their own. Circumstances may be different but they are all the same underneath. The sooner you can learn this, the better, because they will strangle you with your own compassion in the meantime. In ANY case–whatever you conclude about him–get. out. of. the. marriage. it will be hard, very hard for a while, but then it will get better and better and better for the rest of your life.

            • Brian

              Early on the Love keeps the Commitment, At some point in all marriages though, the Commitment has to keep the Love.

              Unless people are selfish, of course.

              I honestly hope that you do not get dragged into the pit that the world can make so appealing. Make your happiness in honor & principals, Not just the feelings that lie to us. Be Blessed!

          • Phyllis

            Just curious. Have you ever read the Bible? Do you consider yourself a Christian? If so you may want to check out Luke 16:18, Malachi 2:16, 1 Corinthians 6:9, 1 Corinthians 7:11, Hebrews 13:4, Genesis 2:24-25, Matthew 5:32, Matthew 19:4-6, Numbers 30:2 just to start. Marriage is an unbreakable covenant with God which lasts until death of one spouse. As a pastor and Christian counselor it is my duty to inform you of the consequences of your “rescuing” a man who is another woman’s husband in the eyes of our Creator. There will be a BIG price to pay in eternity if you do not repent from your sin and turn away from it. Praying to God will speak to you.

            • Phyllis

              This reply is intended for OHC.

            • OHC

              I am a Christian but I don’t share your beliefs. I respect them, but don’t share them. I believe cheating is wrong, however I do not believe marriage is an unbreakable bond. I believe people should be able to get divorced, for whatever their reason

              Again, I respect you have a different view but I don’t share it

            • Gizfield

              I’m not a theologian, or Bible scholar or anything, but it’s stated in the Bible that if your spouse is living, the only allowable grounds for divorce is adultery. It frees the faithful spouse to remarry. The adulterer is still considered guilty, and his/her remarriage is considered adulterous. This is not my opinion. It is what is stated in the Bible.

            • OHC

              Yes, this is the whole grounds for the split of the church under Henry VIII. Catholics held you couldn’t divorce so he created the Anglican church that said you could. I am Catholic and according to our beliefs you can not divorce but you can get an annulment, basically invalidating the first marriage, and in that case adultery is irrelevant. Non-Catholic Christians interpret it differently

              The point of this all is that there are many interpretations of the Bible. And there are many things that people choose to believe or not to believe even if dictated by their church

            • Gizfield

              oh, yeah. The Annulment. I forgot about those. My first husband’ s wife got one of those so she could get marrie d in the catholic church. Seven years and one kid. Invalid. Does this mean their child is illegitimate? They weren’t married but cohabiting. What do you call it ?

              And my apologies to any catholic persons here. I just dont understand this.

            • OHC

              I find annulments to be bogus. Especially because you can get them much easier if you are a Kennedy, for instance, than you can if you are just a run of the mill citizen. There is no consistency in the church and I’m not sure why it’s so much better or different than just acknowledging divorce, like a lot of other religions do.

              In my opinion being a Christian is not tied to the literal interpretation of the Bible but how you choose to live your life. Personally, I confessed my sin and received absolution. I don’t intend to enter another EA. What Phyllis believes about me is irrelevant to me in that case. However, being Christian does mean I should treat her and her beliefs with respect.

              Personally I think if folks were really Christian (a term I don’t like because I have many Hindu and Jewish friends, but will go with it for now) they would remember that Jesus had love for everyone, was particularly close to a prostitute, and said not to judge others unless you know you are perfect (which no one is.). Judge the sin and not the sinner

              I see little of that on the blogs….

            • gizfield

              My personal philosophy of religion is that God sees us as his children. His laws and commandments are for OUR PROTECTION. Don’t lie, cheat, steal, murder. These are things that hurt every person involved. I also think that he wants something better for us than these activities will bring.

              As for judgment, for the most part, it’s actually a form of correction and can be of benefit. I “judge” my daughter all time and she is a better person for it. It is really just holding someone to a higher standard. People who don’t judge usually don’t due to the fact that they don’t really care what you do or are.

              I would like to recommend a book called The Traveler’s Gift by Andy Andrews. It
              is where I got a lot of my ideas and I just found it very inspirational. It’s available on the Kindle, about $10 I think.

            • Nicole

              You can get an annulment in the Catholic church if one of the partners was never baptised, therefore not responsible enough to know God, and therefore not responsible enough to understand the full ramifications of marriage. My ex’s father constantly cheated on his mother, and whilst he swore to me he’d never do that, and we were til death do us part, when I discovered his affair he said “but I was never going to leave you”. His parents are about to “celebrate” their 50th wedding anniversary. That isn’t a marriage, it’s a farce. So as the “semi-practicing Catholic” (I only get to mass about once a month) – I’m quite looking forward to hopefully getting an annulment. Because yes I have 23 years of marriage and two children, but he hasn’t been committed to our marriage, except for the “Perfect life” look since about 2 years into it. I should have run then before the kids were born.

            • Blue

              I wish ‘Christians’ wpuld read the Ten Commandments?
              They’re a very helpful way to live if you consider yourself Christian, even if you’re not.

              From my experience ‘Christians’ and I use that term loosley, do not live by them. They live by their egos and what they can do to feed them. In fact some ‘Christians’ believe if they confess they’re absolved, but the thing is, if you don’t truly feel deep remorse and regret for your obvious sin, it truly means nothing to confess your sins.

            • OHC

              And do you believe you can tell whether a person feels remorse or not? In my experience no BS feels any OW has any remorse. They hang their hat on it because it fits with the story that makes sense to them. The fact of the matter is that true remorse may or may not look like what you think it should look like. Which is why priests, and not those who are wronged, are the ones who grant absolution

              But again, if you aren’t Catholic and don’t believe in absolution that’s your right. I tend to think that any one who claims to be Christian and then sits in judgement of others is rarely true to the spirit of what that word means

            • gizfield

              This Reply button is crazy. Lol. Stuff goes where it wants.

              I actually do think Jesus “judged” Mary Magdalene. He told her “Go, and sin no more.” He didn’t say Keep Doing What You’re Doing. He let her know she needed to correct her actions, for her own benefit. Just my thoughts.

            • OHC

              Agreed, I never know where my responses will end up

              My interpretation was always judge the sin, not the sinner, as I said before. But I agree that he would have said to stop, which I agree with as well. I have said over and over again that I think affairs are wrong. It’s why I ended mine. You can put it in whatever language you’d like-sin, commandment-and most people would agree it’s wrong

              On the other religious point that came up, though, I think it’s pretty rare these days for people to not believe that divorce is acceptable, for whatever reason. I do not believe in any way that if two people attain a divorce and then remarry that they are committing adultery. I also believe you can marry people of other religions and that two men or two women can choose to marry. So that one is a nonstarter for me

            • cheatersneverprosper

              Wisdom at its best!

            • CovenantWife

              Sorry OHC

              But you can’t really be considered a Christian if you don”t follow the bible, it state clearly in Malachi 2:16 God hates divorce. Pride cometh before a fall and you’re headed for one

            • EvilShowsItself

              Phyllis, Gosh I just hated whenever someone quotes from the Bible. It shows that you are brainless, brainwashed, and easily trained without a mind of your own. What good are you. Life is not always black and white. Of course people can changed their mind and should be able to divorce if they realized they no longer want to be in it. The Bible was written by men! Stop being so delusional and preach falsely. Stop being so god damn judgmental all in the name of God (the Bible). What a freaking hypocrite you are. Stop worrying about how people choose to live their life or where they’ll go after death. Worry about YOURS instead. You ain’t going to heaven that’s for sure. Ptshh

            • Nicoli

              I usually don’t reply or comment on this type of post but I think I am over it. Please look at what you have written. In our society, it has become ok to Christian bash. Are there plenty of Christians who are judgmental? Yes. But quoting the Bible for wisdom is not delusional. Takes amazing intelligence to get a Dr of Theology degree at Oxford, for instance. Apparently it is the hardest degree to obtain at that university. What she said is not preachy and she is commenting as one Christian to another about not cherry picking scripture. Also, she is quoting Malachi which is part of Jewish Wisdom literature. Ok so “brainless, brainwashed,, easily trained,no mind of your own,delusional and preachy, freaking hypocrite are not grotesque words of judgement? Is it ok for Jews to quote the Old Testament without being maligned? I wonder? I think you would do good to apologize. Especially if there are any religious Jews on this site. Thank you

            • you poor victims

              The same bible and same books of the bible where the man has a woman on the side? Not the place I would go to for advice or to condemn others. Sorry!

            • CovenantWife

              let me guess you get your new age advice from your yoga instructor? Just another suburban white lady misapppropriating whats not hers

            • Stephagrl

              Thank you!

          • Just a Thought

            Hello, I’m an adult child of a failed marriage plagued by domestic violence, alcoholism & substance abuse (both), mental illness (mom), and infidelity (dad).

            My biological father abandoned his wife (my mother), my brother, and me to take up with his mistress (also married to another man).

            Honestly… It appears to have been the best thing that ever happened to my father. He was absent throughout my childhood, but after divorcing their respective spouses, he and his mistress married and stayed married until his death (about 30 years.) During that time they got clean, got stable, and made a family.

            Meanwhile, my mother continued on a downward spiral, entering into several abusive relationships, drinking and abusing well into early middle age. She gladly relinquished her children to her parents’ custody to continue her party girl lifestyle which included casual relationships with married men. However, even during brief visits both my brother and I were subjected to heinous physical, verbal, and emotional abuse both by her and her various partners.. In old age she is clean and sober but still battles depression and is still incredibly emotionally abusive.

            My stepmother has never been anything but gracious and kind to me and to pretty much anybody else I’ve ever seen her interact with. Both she and my father made efforts to be part of my life, but my mother and her parents routinely intervened to prevent it until they gave up. I harbor no ill-will towards my stepmother for “stealing” my father. Nor have I ever done so. She appears to be a good, respectable woman and I hope she feels no guilt for her affair and marriage to my father. Not for my sake, anyway.

            My late grandmother looked down her nose at my stepmother and called her a “putain.” Somehow, this contempt never found its way to her own daughter’s amoral behavior. To this day my mother bitterly recalls every mean thing my father ever did to her, but will not hesitate to shut me down if I attempt to dialogue about her drunk boyfriend nearly beating me to death one night when I was a teenager.

            I appreciate my background is a more extreme example, but my opinion…Sometimes infidelity happens because a marriage is bad. Plain and simple.

            This is a support site for wronged spouses. Every wronged spouse wants to believe their marriage is solid and wonderful and that infidelity (sexual or emotional) is just escapism, distraction, or whatever. It’s just not always true. I suspect it’s OFTEN not always true but it’s easiser to condemn a “homewrecker” than it is to look objectively at all the facts.

            Sometimes the affair partner really IS the soul mate, the great true love of that person’s life. The unfaithful spouse really IS a better and happier person with the affair partner.

            For the record, my ex-husband was unfaithful. I’ve always looked down on him because his girlfriend was so OBVIOUSLY using him for short-term gratification. And she was. She dumped him within six weeks of our separation.

            If he’d found a true soul mate, someone who helped him grown and evolve…well, I’d still be hurt, but I’d find it in my heart to be glad for them. Since he was willing to cheat I obviously wasn’t what he needed to feel complete, secure, and happy.

            I challenge all the wronged spouses hurling vitriol at the OW/OM to really examine themselves and figure out why they feel so much hatred. Is it because you know deep down that your marriages really aren’t the best fit (for YOU as well as your spouse?) Is it because you identify a level of affection and commitment in the affair couple you haven’t experienced with your spouse? That’s frightening, I know, especially if you’ve built up a family, assets, and a strong social life. You’ve got concrete assets to lose in addition to the blow to your pride.

            Worse, you’ll NEVER REALLY know FOR CERTAIN if your spouse didn’t re-committ to you out of genuine love and respect for YOU OR because s/he didn’t want to lose those assets and comforts, either. I can see why that would bother you but no point in insulting OW on the internet because of it.

            Another thought to keep in mind, every time you damn the OW or OM, calling them vile names and such, just remember, you’re sleeping with exactly the same at home (assuming you and your unfaithful spouse still have normal relations).

            I know you want to believe in karma, that the “whore” and your spouse will “get theirs” if your spouse leaves you to build a new life with the “whore.” What if their karma was to meet and build a happy and enduring life together? Several famous long-term marriages began as affairs.Why would you want to stand in the way of that karma?

            If you believe in actual karma (not to be confused with vengefulness and rage) you’d be better off questionning how YOU have grown and what life lessons YOU learned from your marriage (including any betrayal and ending of the marriage). Once you’ve assimilated those lessons, you can advance to a better relationship for yourself. Or even be happier as a single person.

            • sammy

              Your parents’ marriage was dysfunctional and your father was able to make a better life for himself. That was good in the long run for him. But doing so created collateral damage. No one says that divorce is always a bad option. It’s a good option in dysfunctional marriages. If the marriage is so terrible…file for divorce and then be free to pursue others. The disrespect of checking out waters before jumping ship is what bothers me the most. And actually most cheaters aren’t looking for a life partner – they are looking for cake…and then in some cases it becomes more. And some get so caught up in the fantasy that they place importance on themselves without regard to their families. There may be deficits in the marriage, but turning outwardly to solve them is not what marriage is about. It shows a lack of commitment to the marriage. If the deficits can’t be fixed, then divorce. Don’t lie and deceive your partner – it’s the ultimate disrespect for someone you vowed you would care for and cherish. My spouse was a serial cheater – never came clean at any time until he was caught after years of calculated deceit. I actually thought we had a decent marriage – he failed to inform me that it wasn’t good for him. He made unilateral decisions about determining how I saw my own reality and made decisions about my health without my knowledge (diseases). He was looking for sparkles and butterfilies. Some people are like that and some (like your father) may have been looking for something more serious, but all cases of cheating involves deception. No one is saying that the betrayed spouse is perfect – the cheater blames the betrayed spouse for what is essentially the cheater’s inability to deal with the problems. He should look at his own failings to the marriage and cheating is one of them. Your mother had mental illness. Maybe she wasn’t the nicest person – many with mental illness aren’t. Does that justify your father lying to her? If the marriage is so unbearable and unsustainable, he should have done the courageous thing and filed for divorce, since in the end the cheating will cause that anyway. Don’t add that extra trauma to the spouse. I think in my spouse’s case it has to do with some sort of depression/narcissism so I pity him rather than feel vengeful. I don’t really blame the other women individually since if it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else. You write: “you’d be better off questioning how YOU have grown and what life lessons YOU learned from your marriage (including any betrayal and ending of the marriage)”. I’d advise YOU to take your own advice and question how/if you have grown in dealing with a mentally ill mother and the anger you harbor from that. The bottom line is that there is NO justification for cheating. Leave a marriage – if you haven’t left yet, it must not have been that bad. The marriage usually seems SO horrible when you meet someone sparkly and new. In the long run, my marriage ending was the best thing that could have happened since I learned the truth and became more aware that my spouse was abusive in lying to me. Initially I felt I had to fix things….help him in some way since perhaps it was depression…for better for worse. We went through counseling and thought sticking by him, loving him will stop the behavior. A few years later he cheated long term again. I realized that he was taking me for a ride because I let him. I realized I was an enabler and it became clear to me that the marriage had to end. Although he was a serial cheater, he was furious when I ended the marriage (which didn’t make sense since he was “in love” with his OW). Some people never grow up and some people have personality disorders. I finally gave up on him just like your father did to your mother. But I didn’t cheat and lie to my spouse because I still respected the vows I said to him while married. You want to justify cheating because of this or that, or blame the spouse for being awful, but in its simplest form – cheating is abuse.

            • Just a Thought

              sammy, you’re mistaken. I do not “want to justify cheating.” I have been a wronged spouse, too, and I agree that infidelity is unfair to the marriage and to the family. I have never betrayed a spouse or indulged in an affair, either.

              My point is that, however right/wrong, fair/unfair a situation is/isn’t, sometimes things happen for a reason and it’s usually smart to sit up and take notice of the big picture.

              You’re likely right. Perhaps your spouse was “just looking for cake.” He was certainly looking for something beyond the life the two of you built together. Minimizing his affairs as “unimportant” and “cake” does not alter that reality. Maybe he didn’t really want his affair partner/s, but he obviously didn’t respect your needs and safety, either. Sounds like you’re way better off without that negativity in your life.

              As for my alleged anger at my mother… Thank you. I’ve reached a level of maturity and enlightenment where that anger and disappointment was just too big a beast on my back for me to continue carrying it. Once I let it go and gained some acceptance and inner peace, I became a much happier productive being. It didn’t happen overnight but it was worth it.

            • gizfield

              Thank you, Just a Thought, for that beautiful rendition of the “Adultery is o.k. if your spouse is bad enough” speech. We’ve all heard it many times before. Just with a few variations. By the way, what on earth is a “putain”? I may have to add it to my vocabulary.

              No, Bad Marriages cause divorce, not adultery. Cheaters cause adultery, due to their own selfishness. My first husband was an abusive alcoholic and I cheated on him. Not justifiable. The co cheater didn’t turn out to be my soulmate so I guess I’m screwed. (Does it count if I thought he was at the time?) If he was my wrongdoing could be elevated out of it’s “wrong” status into a ” good” status. Do you see how erroneous this thinking is? My behavior was still wrong and bad either way.

              Marriage is for you to help improve the lives of your spouse and children. I imagine your father deserting his first family to start another one didn’t contribute to your mother’s problems at all. If he had improved so much as you think, he and his soul mate could have raised you together, have you ever considered that? But they didn’t. They only thought of themselves. Their happiness. Not their spouses, not their children. THEM SELVES. It’s easy to talk a good game. Lots more difficult to do it. You didn’t live with these two from what I can tell. You don’t ever know what people are like when you aren’t around. This page is filled with “closet” cheaters, and drunks, and sociopaths and God knows what else who were perceived as wonderful people. Until the truth came out. Sometimes it does, many times it does not.

              As far as what I think of or say about Cheaters, including my own husband, that’s really my own choice. I’ll say what I like. That’s your choice as well. Did your argument change my thoughts in any way? Nope. I had a set of cheaters in my family that was a variation on this as well. I’ve seen it and heard it before.

            • Just a Thought

              To gizfield:

              1) Refrain from twisting my words. I never claimed “adultery is o.k.”.

              2) Moving forward, it’s worth considering that many people and cultures do not censure adultery.

              It is pointless to debate which values are “right” or “wrong.” Better to focus on what is “right” or “wrong” FOR YOU. If adultery is a deal-breaker FOR YOU, fine. Spell it out to your spouse and dump him if he doesn’t toe the line. If he strays and you’d rather keep him, keep him and work on the marriage. If he strays and decides to leave you, REJOICE! He’s doing you a favor, perhaps a greater favor than if he insisted on staying in the marriage when his heart and will aren’t really in it.

              Marriage is challenging. Fidelity is easy IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN IT.

              As for chronically casting hate/blame on a former OW/OM who becomes the new wife/husband of the cheating spouse…I could find better things to do. An adulterous marriage, divorce, and remarriage of the guilty parties sounds stressful enough without draggining in additional negative behaviors.

              3) It’s not my place to say whether your adultery to your first husband is right or wrong. It’s not my place to evaluate whether your AP was your soul mate. He may very well have been. Not every karmic relationship or soul mate relationship results in marriage. Most soul mates and karmic relationships are intended to help individual souls evolve. Some of these relationships are quite brief, others last lifetimes.

              If your AP brought you any comfort or insight into the unsuitability of your first marriage, then I’d say YES good came from that. If the affair brought you shame, disgrace, or self-loathing, it’s STILL beneficial because you learned such relationships won’t enrich your life. HOWEVER, I don’t encourage holding on to shame or self-loathing. Just accept the lesson, adjust your way of life, and move forward.

              According to karmic principles, our life experiences enable spiritual evolution. Sometimes a soul must experience hardships to learn something important about themselves or others. Sometimes one soul is “indebted” to another and the souls meet only to resolve and settle the debt before moving on.

              3) Your speculations regarding my parents’ marriage are precisely that. Speculation. Easy to say things might have been better for my mother and our family if he’d stayed. Sure, it’s a possibility. Equally possible — they might have murdered each other. Deranged, dysfunctional people frequently do that. So what, then?

              4) As I already mentionned, my father and my stepmother DID want to raise me and took legal action to do so. They were unsuccessful. What should they have done? Kidnapped me and fled the country? I’m not saying they were perfect people with perfect lives. However, they did sustain a successful, long-term marriage.

              5) I don’t consider my father and my stepmother any more selfish than most people. The wronged spouses on this forum strike me as pretty selfish and not a little out of touch with reality, all dunning the AP for not expressing regret or apology to THEM for hurting THEM.

              If you want to receive compassion, try giving some. Make it all about your pain and victimhood, you’ll attract the same. Up to you. Good luck.

            • gizfield

              Just a Thought.

              1. I’m not sure which of your words you think I twisted. I’m not going to debate it. Everyone here can read and the entire point of your comment is how “good” things turned out for your father and his affair partner.

              2. I’m not in another culture, so why are their thoughts on adultery relevant to me. Lots of cultures think it’s ok to do many things I don’t. What does that matter?

              3. I don’t believe in soulmates, karma and all that stuff. I do believe in consequences for your actions. Sometimes you suffer consequences for the actions of others, unfortunately. That’s about it. I don’t have any shame or self loathing so I wouldn’t concern myself about that. Why should I? I admitted my wrongdoing and corrected it. What more is there left to do?

              4. Courts look at the behavior of parents when awarding custody. People who abandon a family then want it back are looked at with suspicion. That’s one of those consequences I mentioned earlier.

              5. Yes, let’s blame the people cheated on as being selfish. They are not “claiming” Victimhood. They ARE victims of selfish people, in particular cheaters on this blog. I have more than enough compassion to go around but I don’t give it to people who victimize others. You are certainly welcome to do so.

            • you poor victims

              Thank you for your story. Also, what many people fail to see is that many spouses don’t even know they are in a bad marriage until they find out otherwise. Not everyone on here is the OW, some people were the ones who left for the other person and are happy and found this site looking for something else. In hindsight my ex without me holding him back let and got even more hooked on drugs than the was, got himself into unspeakable debt, hit our kids when they were over there and moved out of state. Consider why your ex cheated on you…. The amount of hate is astounding. Let it go. There are different ways to look at things. Your opinion is not always the same as others. Accept others for theirs and they will accept you for yours. Move on.

            • OHC

              Just a Thought, thank you for being brave enough to share your story, it’s heartbreaking. I truly hope you are in a better place now from all the events of your childhood. You sound like you are a survivor. Don’t worry about some of the comments here, your story is your story and you should own what makes sense to you and what has helped you get to the place you are now.

            • Just a Thought

              Thanks so much for your kindness! 🙂 My childhood was far from idyllic, but I’ve enjoyed many blessings in life and I’ve learned to be thankful for them. Not worried about comments. I’m clued in to the board’s tone and I don’t expect everything I say to be well received by everyone. Best wishes!

            • Still healing

              I guess I hate the OW so much because I poured my heart out to her when he first left. She pretended to be his “friend” that he needed. What is interesting is he and I were very close and “best friends” for most of our marriage. Our marriage wasn’t perfect and it takes two to make it work. In the end he went through a very bad midlife. I am not sure why it was so bad because I was the kind of spouse that encouraged him to go out and have a couple of beers with buddies. I didn’t want that marriage that after 20 years failed because we never got to do fun things with friends as well as each other. He has a very low self esteem. I spent the whole marriage telling him how great he was (and I meant it). He was a good husband and father. So as this midlife got worse, he bought himself a secret cell phone. I didn’t know about the cell phone when I saw the hundreds of calls to a from a certain number for almost a year’s time. I confronted him and asked him who this person was. He lied through his teeth and I believed it because he was a good man and I never had reason to believe otherwise. He started creating stupid fights. I see now why he did it but back then it was awful. I was going through a depression because of something tragic that happened to me (involved finding a family member dead). I started seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor and they put me on medication. My job suffered and my home life suffered. He had never been depressed and didn’t understand what was going on. I took my medicine faithfully and I got worse. I have figured out since then that the clonopin I was prescribed made me almost psychotic. As he was creating fights with me, I was responding like a lunatic at times. It was not me. He found this woman he made “friends” with and she was his shoulder to lean on. When I discovered what was going on, I was emailing her pouring my heart out to her. He and I were already in counseling because of his midlife and because of my depression. The counselor told me later he never said one bad word about me. NOT ONE. The OW told him they couldn’t be friends because he needed to work on is marriage. Two days later “the couldn’t stand it any longer” and they were “friends” again. It was an awful bitter divorce. I guess I can’t stand her for two reasons. One, for not allowing him the time to figure out what was going on in his marriage after having such a good marriage for so many years. And we really did. And two, for the awful things she says about me to my kids. I wrote about that in another post. I know I had part in the marriage failing. Once I was able to quit taking the meds, I was a different person. I can see now that he was already looking elsewhere because of his midlife and my depression helped him out the door. But isn’t that what “for better or for worse” is? Does it mean run and never look back? So I didn’t get the chance to open up in counseling and I feel this woman (he’s her fourth husband now by the way) knew what to say to push him away so he’d come running back. Admit it. Many girls know how to play the games to get what they want. And now since there is nothing left to get at me with, they use the kids. I just wish there was a way to never have to deal with them again but it’s not going to happen with 4 kids.

            • ariella

              You are SOOOOOO right. I cannot believe the level of toxicity on here and what really makes me sad is that it is so harmful to them. When you hate like that you are the one who harmed by it. We have the power over our feelings, not someone else. You are truly an inspiration to everyone who reads your words!

            • Marci

              @ariella ..spoken like an ignorant child. You obviously haven’t experienced any pain in life. It is like telling a mother who has lost a child to suck it up and to stop being bitter. It is a journey to heal.. some takes longer to heal. In any healing process there is anger. So you obviously don’t understand what these people are going through.. don’t judge out of ignorance it might just bite you in the butt later on. Never say never

            • ariella

              Marci – I see you are a psychic. You know all. Yes, much better to wallow and wallow in misery for years! I am not judging, just offering an observation. You are the one judging me and calling me names! And, hoping for some misfortune to befall me ’cause you don’t like what I said. Sick!!!!!!!!

            • cynthia

              Your are so full of bitterness, can’t you see that? In the end, it will consume you, but I hope that doesn’t happen. I hope you can move on and feel better about yourself and Life- people do make mistakes, you know.

            • cynthia

              Oh, and my comment was for Marci. I should have said that.

            • Doug

              This came to our email for some reason – It’s a reply from Marci:

              “@ Cynthia. LOL I’m not bitter… Yes I was hurt… Yes I was angry…. I tried to find the thread you’re referring to but couldn’t find it as it was a while ago. My ex and I get on remarkably well… he even stays over when he is in town…. but that doesn’t mean I’m ok with his actions… I also have the opportunity to date a married man… but I won’t hurt another woman and kids like that…. but I appreciate your concern for me Cynthia”

            • Nikki

              Ariella, I think other peoples pain is making you feel guilty. Just because someone is bitter now doesn’t mean they will be bitter a few years out and your so called care appears false. You seem to be totally underestimating (or denying) the pain felt by the BS. On first finding out, the BS will experience a form of PTSD. PTSD is very serious and at this point people may actually Kill themselves….without good support. Second, the biochemistry of the affair has been shown by studies at Boson University to look very much like an addiction to Cocaine when you put someone in an MRI. That is not “true love” but it is mistaken for such. Thats one of the many reasons affairs don’t work out because after a few years that chemistry wears off, the person comes out of the affair fog, but often it is too late to repair the marriage because of the damage done. There are many reasons why an affair may happen but immaturity in relationship skills or midlife crisis (when the adulterer’s family of origin issues catch up with them) is the usual culprit. Research at Stanford University shows a very predictable “V” shape to marital satisfaction over the life span. That is, marital satisfaction starts high at the start of marriage, falls steadily down to the lowest point in midlife, and then steadily climbs up again, often at greatest satisfaction at maturity. In mid-life, what we need to be doing is letting go of our fantasies, not indulging in them by having an affair. Having an affair is basically stunting your growth as a person by blaming all of your issues and unhappiness on your spouse. As we mature, we need to take responsibility for our own feelings and stop expecting others to fix us and make us “feel” better about ourselves. Unfortunately our culture promotes the opposite…if it feels good it can’t be wrong. Or my spouse is making me unhappy and I deserve to be happy so I’ll find my happiness elsewhere…sorry but doomed to failure. Finally the statistics for the success of affairs over the long hall are dismal. Of all affairs, only about 10% actually end up in marriage. Out of that 10%, only about 1% lasts a lifetime. There is good reason for the failure rate…affairs are fantasy and require a great deal of self deception as well as the deception of others. It is also why usually people often don’t start out to have an affair and have that feeling of it just happening to them. That Biochemistry is really strong but it is not real love and will only last 18 to 36 months once it is challenged by reality. Real love is sacrificial, not how that other person makes me “feel”. feelings are never stable and are always changing. Basing our life on how we feel at any given time is foolishness and sets us up for continuous disappointment. Take it or leave it but food for thought at least.

            • Nicoli

              Time for you get off this site …Gaslighter

            • Isledivah


          • smh

            Wow..thank you. As a woman caught in the middle of a situation with a married man I truly appreciate hearing that all women are not as described in mot of these scenarios. I met a man whom I fell in love with and seemingly felt the same about me not knowing he was married. Yes now that I know I’m torn between leaving him because it’s the moral thing to do or staying and allowing him to continue the process of a divorce that was happening long before I came into the picture. We are extremely happy together. I will never speak bad of his wife. There are three children involved none of them his all belonging to his wife. His children are grown. I have no problem with him continuing a relationship with his step children. His wife does not want him and I have heard the words from her mouth without her knowing of course. However I do feel that if she finds out about me she will only want him because she does not want anyone else to have him. I feel terrible about myself everytime I read these blogs however I am not heartless or anything like how :the other woman” is portrayed.

          • yvonne

            I agree with this reply with some reservations. I also agree when you are decent person and meet someone who is married. You can want to pull away but feeling and maybe other reasons or another you believe that this person is for you. Your intentions are not to ruin any one’s life. Maybe you don’t see the whole picture. But one thing for sure, you believed that this person was the one for you. Let’s talk about today. Married for nearly thirty years I have been called every name in the book. Talked down and have been told. Cheated on. Given the bare essentials in living quarters. As the years flew by I realized that my cell number was given to the ex W. She knew my work scheduled. When he was told about my scheduling only hours before. Even though she lives on the other side of town and is remarried. She would arrive near my job. Followed me in traffic . Giving me my hand gestures. In other words he is now working with her to create confusion. He has reminded me constantly of how we got together. This was not a good marriage. I should have left him years ago. We met over 30 years ago.and that was the worst decision I have ever made. He was a monster. He did more that cheat on me. He did what ever he wanted I managed to educate myself enough to achieve different degrees which he despised with negative comments. The truth is he was in a bad marriage but I should have walked away. I would never encourage anyone to be the other women. I have high self esteem and with having strong faith in God has allowed me to move on. In conclusion : the other women’s intentions are not always selfish and not caring. Sometimes feelings of the heart take over. But we do pay. But also we deserve forgiveness. The wrong is always placed on the other women. When these women know in their hearts these men don’t really want them. They delude themselves in believing that these men will stay. They would rather continue having empty promises given by cheating men who hurt other women. Regardless whether or not they leave them for someone or just walk away. These women are hurting . Even though I am truly sorry for becoming involved with a rotten man . I feel in some way she is responsible for not standing up to him for cheating. She knew he was cheating I definitely was not the first. I saved her. For continuing to keep that wretched low class what ever at the top of her list. I suggest she concentrate on her present husband before she loses him, It doesn’t have to be to another women it could be from her neglect., And the reason could be she refuses to celebrate her new life.
            Oh by the way I know longer care about the ex wife following me or being called home wrecker. My conscious tells me that God forgave me. I am not holding my head down and feeling low I still have a lot of good ness to give .And I have done a lot of good in my life.

          • Bee

            Really? You think that this is ok ? Listen to yourself.. You sound like my Exs new wife. He left us. That’s what she said to me when she took him away from his family. ” we couldn’t help it we fell in love” excuse me the man had three kids and a spouse at home who was willing to do anything to save the relationship, including willing to forgive him for his” mistake”. Well he chose his mistake over me and his children. He devastated me , to this day it is still a pain I will never forget. His wife was and is still cruel and selfish. The anger that is present all around us is because of their disgusting choice that tore my family apart. Do you think it’s fair for the other spouse to have to start all over again , leave the family home and town because the other woman cannot handle the fact we have children together . We cannot even be friends with eachother cause ” we have history”. Yet she’d is besties with her ex whom her sister stole from her right out from under her nose! It’s sick. My kids are in the middle of their crap. She is harsh on my kids. Treats her 2 she has with him like little angels that do nothing wrong . It’s a lot different when your spouse leaves and then starts a relationship and then go no to get married because at least then there is no baggage bring brought into the marriage . However , if you are the OP marrying the cheater you are going to be bringing guilt, anger and resentment into it. May not be at first , but it the cracks will show and they have because she does not trust him period . That’s karma for you. So for those OP who think it’s going to be peaches and rainbows when you do marry , think again those issues he has.. Are now all yours! Never blame the betrayed spouse or the kids because they did cheat, you did. Did u ever think the ex spouse does not like you for destroying her life/ family? This piece is bang on. Don’t kid yourself lady you are standing on a land mine and one day that land mine is hoping to blow up. Then it may not , but all that baggage will never leave . That feeling that you have’won’ you haven’t . You will lose more than you think you have won. cheers oh and grow up find a man who is not married and maybe you won’t have so many issues with the BW and kids!!

          • No Excuses

            Spoken like a true other woman. Have it happen to you and get back to us!!!! You can justify anything!, Im sick of hearing stories like yours! It was a bad marriage, horrible ex wife, we just met and fell in love sometimes these things happen. Bull Crap!!!
            There will never never be an excuse for an affair! Affairs are wrong solutions to the problem plain and simple.
            And it always seems to start with a simple conversation and then one person has to open your mouth about something now been Ray at home and then it’s on. Having just lost my husband to an affair I speak with authority. The betrayed wife and family are just collateral damage to 2 peoples selfishness! I always love to hear the justifications from liars and cheats. Just remember how you get them is how you lose them it is a very true cliche!!!!!! Shame on you.

            • Joy

              The AP’s in these comments make me sick! First of all, all men say how horrible their wives are, how nuts they are, they don’t love them anymore, they weren’t happy for a long time when they start an affair. Ask any marriage counselor. The excuses go on endlessly! Well let me tell you something’s. I was only with my husband for 4 years, only married not even a year, have a son together, and he raised my 7 year old daughter since she was 3. When I found out my husband had begun an emotional affair with a woman he met while they both stopped at 7-11 every morning before work, yes, I went nuts! I threatened her, threatened him, did all kinds of crazy stuff. I could have done a lot more but my kids are more important then the two of them. I had just had my life torn apart, as well as the lives of the two smaller children. I was shocked, hurt, and in so much pain I didn’t know how to act. I behaved all the wrong ways, I won’t deny that. He is 34, she is 22, and also moved out of her boyfriends house, with whom she has a baby, to be with my husband. Though she denies that was the reason. They have been doing all this since the beginning of September, but she got her own place in October and he has pretty much lived with her since. They have even introduced each other to their families, and he snuck my son to meet her fairly early on, he is only 3, and was keeping him overnights at her house until our settlement when it was confirmed there would be no more overnights with his mistress until September 1st, closer to when our divorce will be final. He has ran my name through the dirt, saying every thing above that I said they all say, told her our financial stuff and how much he makes, and told her all my secrets. My husband bitched about stuff but never once told me he would leave. Always said he wasn’t going anywhere and that he was happy. Hung all over me and told me he loved me a million times a day. I did everything I could for him. He worked and wanted me to stay home with the kids and to take care of the house. I was a great wife, but I had my flaws. I thought about him every second of every day. Loved him deeper then any other woman he was with. No sexual problems. Things were great in that department. Then suddenly one day he tells me he hasn’t been happy for awhile. its me, it’s his job, it’s the house, it’s the kids. You women that think you are doing someone a favor, you are not. You are bringing yourselves into something that you have no business in. If not for this girl, I know me and my husband would have worked through everything. I know it was his fault too. But bringing a third party into the mix pretty much made it impossible to fix things. I agree with the person who said the couples should be left alone to either work it out or end it, and if they end it, until they do, women like you should stay where the hell you belong. She didn’t save my husband from nothing. She caused him a lot of crap by going along with him. He now has our son for 10 overnights a month, and then complains about not seeing him enough.Well, guess what buddy, you should have thought about that. He wants to know who I’m dating bc he is concerned for our son. First, I would never put the kids in danger, and second, he should have thought about that too before he threw his sons mom back into the dating world, where I never planned nor wanted to be again, bc I wanted to be with him. I would have done anything to save our marriage. Even after what he did bc it was the first time. But he chose to leave it all behind partially bc she don’t care about his family and says she isn’t going away. It’s selfish. That really is all its about. If she cared about his kids, she would back the hell off and see if things could be worked out. But she wouldn’t do that even from the start. She is proud and enjoys knowing what she did. Then she sits at work all day stalking my Facebook. I have blocked her from two so far and know she has a third she uses. What’s up with that anyway???

          • betrayed

            You had no right to pursue or get involved with a married man who had children and lied about his affair while still using his wife for many things, like cooking, taking care of the children, etc.

            You and the man are self-centered narcissists who feel you are entitled to intentionally hurt innocent people for life at the expense of getting your short-term needs met. If the husband divorced his wife, then he is available. However, there is no justification to ever breaking up a marriage and family. You are a bad person inside and out.

          • Anne

            If someone is “Unhappy”, and not interested in putting in the work to fix the situation, then finish the relationship in a dignified and respectful manner. Integrity matters.

            To the OM or OW… If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you. Fantasy. Adrenalin, Lostness in life, Secrecy, and an Ego charge( courtesy of Lee Baucom, PhD) is not a substitute for a real relationship. It might feel good in the moment, but it doesn’t last. It’s a selfish act that devastates your spouse and children. It’s a temporary high not based in reality. Remember… When the high wears off, you are still stuck with who YOU are at the end of the day.

          • Dana

            You seem to speak pretty highly of yourself and have no regret, I’m sorry, but to become the “other woman” in any relationship that has not “ended” still says that you are pretty heartless.

          • Mumstar1969

            Spoken by someone who has been on the receiving end of an affair. That attitude is smug and self serving. Have your partner cheat on you and say to his next partner that he was trapped in a terrible marriage. There are two sides to every story. I bet you didn’t get to hear the ex’s perspective on their marriage.

          • Phyllis Lot

            New for you. Read Luke 16:18 and 1 Corinthians 6:9. Marrying someone who is divorced with a living spouse is adultery-punishable by eternity in Hell. So much for you rescuing him from a terrible marriage. You will burn for eternity if you do not repent–turn away and leave the adulteress relationship. This is what God says.

          • Kathrine

            I’m not going to call you names because that doesn’t serve any purpose. If a marriage is bad, then get out. “Trapped” in a bad marriage? No one is trapped. If it’s as bad as you said it was, then he should have had the courage to end that marriage without involving another woman. Children don’t deserve that. I don’t have to say ANYTHING bad about the OW because my children know what happened – not from me but from other children! If you couldn’t have enough love and respect for his children to encourage him to get out of his marriage before pursuing your “love” then that is just plain wrong. We are all humans and everyone makes mistakes – however, you two obviously crossed boundaries to fall in love in the first place. There is appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior when you are dealing with married men – and you clearly had no problem crossing that boundary. It was wrong, even if you were “in love”. If it was true love then it could have waited until he was out of his marriage. Any thing else was just selfish on your parts. I’m glad that his ex and his kids have accepted you, but for you to think that this is how it SHOULD work is naive. I “get along” with the OW because my children have been through enough. But I promise you…if they could choose, they wouldn’t have her around at all. My 18 year old says “Anyone who could do that to her own family and mine, is not someone I have any desire to be around. Fortunately, I am an adult and don’t have to. I feel bad for my sister…she HAS to accept this situation.” That enough for you?

          • DON'T GET IT TWISTED

            Yep, I’m sure God in His infinite wisdom made your soulmate a married man. Do you people understand what marriage is? It is a SACRED union between a man and a woman, under the sight of God! It is selfish women that goes after a married man, knowing full well that he belongs to another. Your ‘HAPPINESS’ is IRRELEVANT! Affairs hurt the betrayed wife, the children, the extended family. Just because something ‘feels’ good and makes you ‘happy’ doesn’t mean that it is the right decision. “True Love”? Love is PATIENT, Love is KIND….LOVE DOESN’T HURT!!! I just see a whole bunch of justifications in your comment. You want to feel vindicated for having had an affair with a married man. You want to believe that ‘your’ situation was positive and better than the woman who shared her story above. But the thing is…the outcome may have been different, but you still HURT people and you still got involved with a married man. That is just plain wrong. The respectful thing and honourable thing to do is to allow the husband to work out his marriage and if that can’t be achieved then give him space to finalise divorcing from his wife. Ironically, the person who needs to “GROW UP” is you! Your feelings and happiness do not replace what is right and what is moral.

          • Adrianne

            No one is “trapped” in a marriage. You are clearly in the wrong and know it, which is why you are on the site and your entire post is defensive and full of excuses. A shame that you are proud of helping turn a woman’s daughter against her as well. Sick and sad. And I doubt you are as happy as you claim. It’s clear from your post that you aren’t.

          • Jess

            Blimey. You sound happy that someone else’s child likes you better than their own mother. Do you really think he was telling his wife he was unhappy? Why didn’t he get out of the marriage before hooking up with someone else. You sound like a real piece of work.

          • Chickmeister

            You are the “Horrible Person”. NOT his WIFE. “Nice People” do not have sex with other women’s husbands. Do not fool yourself. People may be nice to your face, but they ARE talking about you behind your back. What goes around comes around, and someday it WILL happen to you. And YOU will deserve it. And you will find that you are NO BETTER than his former wife. Because you’re not. You just appear to have, like most sluts do, a problem with the size of your ego. And I hope his ex is around to laugh at your downfall. I know I would. In fact, if I were his ex, I would seduce him, and give you a little jingle afterward, detailing the event, just to brighten your day:). You deserve that too.

            • Danni

              You wrote the story-like you know the people: He was cheating on his wife and the AP was cheating on her hubby. The guy moved into the married woman’s house. The married woman’s hubby didn’t like that. So after 2 years the still married woman bought another house, (in her name only) and moved into it with her now divorced AP. There the guy and still married woman lived together for 3 more years until the married woman’s hubby died and she could inherit everything, or most of what the deceased hubby could not Will away under Illinois statute, AND as she had been advised by her AP who was a Divorce Planner. Now it is 6 years that this twosome has lived together and he starts cheating on her. I know, because I became the other woman-except I didn’t know, I thought I was the only woman. Painful for me, but I ended it. And, yes, many, many are laughing at this cheater woman, including the ex-wife. And how I now know the ex, cheated upon wife is another story, but a pure one, not a smarmy tale.

          • Not Here To Sugarcoat

            So by rescuing him or saving him, you mean you really just mean that you started a relationship with him while you were aware he was married. You’re either twisting your words to fit your own agenda or not giving us the full story, sweetheart. Is he over the age of 18? Does he have a driver’s license? Does he have access to a map and a vehicle? If the answer is yes then he could’ve drove his “damsel in distress” butt over to the file the papers himself, without needing your supervision. Unless perhaps you are insinuating that he is mentally incompetent and in this case we call your role “legal guardian and/or conservator” and generally a public administrator handles those cases. But it sounds to me like perhaps the only thing you are saving here is your own conscience through blatant denial techniques….so you don’t have to endure the full weight of the truth of your actual role in destroying this family. If this is the case, save yourself and start acknowledging your actual role as someone who unnecessarily interfered in someone else’s family. Btw, how does his child/children have any knowledge that you allegedly saved him from a bad marriage?? Did you tell them that? Did he? And do you really think that’s appropriate for you to say that to children….especially children that aren’t yours??? You are not their mother. You have no rights to them. You have no entitlement to tell them anything of this nature and it sounds like you are overstepping your bounds again. If he ditched you tomorrow, you could be nothing but a memory to those children because you’re as expendable to him and his children as his family was to him….bc you have no rights to them. Keep that in mind when you convince yourself that you have the right to do *fill in blank here* as it pertains to strictly those children.

            And as an addendum, your sarcastic “I’m sorry for your loss” is highly unwarranted. You clearly lack any sort of understanding about what the betrayed spouse (and here’s the kicker) and what the betrayed CHILDREN endure in a mess like this. You can paint yourself as the hero in whatever grand delusion that makes you feel good….and you are entitled to that… But don’t expect anyone else to live in your delusions with you. Whether you realize it or not, even your family holds some level of remorse/embarrassment for what you did and your friends have an underlying lack of trust for you. They all simply hide the truth from you as much as you hide from it yourself. Instead of closing with “I wish you the best”, I’ll close with “I truly hope you learn some compassion, humility, and understanding before karma teaches you the hard way….and it will….it always does”.

          • Tracey

            You fell in love with someone else’s husband…hate when that happens. WTF!

          • Bunk

            In response to Lila’s comment.

            So Lila. If//when (god forbid) your husband’s daughter, when she is broken hearted because she’s much older and seriously dating a boyfriend and her “friend” decides to sleep with the boyfriend … make sure you tell her: “It wasn’t a good relationship” and “Your friend is just trying to help your boyfriend get out of a bad one.” Please use your exquisite advice and role modeling skills to fix that one. Oh… make sure you tell your husband’s daughter to “not be bitter” and to “press on” or “move forward and be sure to stay friends with your friend who was a cheater.”
            Oh… and tell your son… If you are in an unhappy marriage that may be suffering from the regular stresses of life – work, raising young children or whatever, that he needs to find a “strong woman” to rescue him from his past choice of commitment to marriage.” Who cares about the soon to be ex or kids.
            What a bunch of bunk you kind of people say, do and write. Pathetic.

          • Joy

            The way to happen being unhappy is not to cheat. Even if you never feel the guilt, there isn’t a justification that makes it right.

          • The Golden Rule

            So how about having some integrity and end one relationship before you begin another? That would be the mature thing to do – but oh wait – the OW and husband aren’t mature enough to act responsibly because that’s why they’re having an affair in the first place. Cowards! Is it too much to ask that people do unto others as you would have them do unto you? It’s called the Golden Rule for a reason and most of us learned that lesson when we were children. Live it, breathe it, and take responsibility for your hurtful actions. Life is not about the blame game, but taking accountability for your own actions, how they affect others, and actually having the balls to apologize – not after you get burned by your new chronic cheating husband. Too little too late.

          • dreamersneverlearn

            No one DESERVES to be happy other than the child. You may consider yourself a ‘nice person’ but in supporting your now husband to leave before addressing the issues in his marriage, just shows how completely self centred cheater are.. Try reading Levinas (though from your response I doubt you have even heard of him). The woman chased him over the internet via his website, came to this country to work with him. I even let her stay with us when she lost her accommodation when she came to the UK from USA. When he working in Austin, he stayed with her and her husband even though there was band accommodation – when I called him after staying there for two days he just criticised me for ruining his fun.. She befriended my family. I took her out with us. I was made to look a complete fool. I went to Santa Monica where he was staying whilst working in the USA and he left a note under my door after flying back from playing a big arena gig and left whilst I was asleep – days later there were pictures of him posted with huge smiles from stage – whilst his family were distraught. Even when his child was suicidal and I tried to contact him and her in Milan (world tour) phones were put down and I got letters from solicitors saying it wasn’t true. I should have guessed. Her posting from London for Thanksgiving was a woman pushing a baby’s hand down in a bubbling cauldron. My god they even went to a charity do in support of the Samaritans, after turning his back on family member with mental health needs. The devastation they left behind was dreadful – and my ex’s words to his children, ‘I deserve to be happy’.

          • Liz

            Dear Lila:

            I think this article refers to a different type of AP.

            I hear what you are saying and it is true, some people are in terrible marriages, married to horrid people. As humans, we don’t always make wise decisions – like ending a bad marriage before dating. This article refers too AP who knowingly sets out to destroy a marriage.

            I am glad his daughter and your child together can see what a loving, healthy marriage looks like. Many of us are brainwashed to stay married no matter what to grave consequences.

          • Anne

            I get what you are saying but you may not be many things in your mind but you are still an adulteress and that you can’t escape or justify. Your husband is too. Even if the wife was that horrible, he should have left her in a way to not have her, him or you live with the “cheated on cheater label.” Nothing will give you dignity as a cheater

          • Don't Put Up With It

            Yeah, that sounds like a big ole Hollywood fantasy you’re pushing there. Nobody believes that crap.

        • 1991

          @ex’s daughter – This sounds like my dad’s own situation. He had an affair with his tennent in the house that we rent out. He left because he was the classic: “bored”, “feels like life is passing him by” and that “my mother and his relationship had ran it’s course”. Midlife Crisis, IMO! My mum has MS and I have Aspergers: he said to me that he isn’t proud of me (*this was just guilt for his infidelity and that he doesn’t want to push her around in a wheelchair). He left just before Christmas, then begged to come back just before the New Year, crying his eyes out. He said that she was “dirty”, “didn’t dress well”, didn’t “cook”, “clean”, “wash” or “iron, basically calling her a scumbag. He also can’t stand her son who he calls “a loose cannon”, “his breath stinks”, “has wonky teeth”, “is always late to school” and “will never achieve anything in life”, sure she’d be flattered to hear all this stuff. He also compalined that the house is a complete tip, which it is, I’ve seen for myself. He then went because my mum took on his online phone records, then went right away, whithout any explaination. The OW, she is a manipulative, classless cowbag, who puts ideas into his head, like: “they’re not kids anymore… they’re adults and should be out of that house and contacting you”. Well, if that’s the case her 21 year old daughter shouldn’t be living in “OUR” house. He is deep in the fog, to the extent that he thinks that it is us (me and my brother) who should be reaching out to him. C’mon, we haven’t cheated or done anyting wrong at all. It’s him who should be bending over backwards. He hasn’t told his close friends, he’s leaving it to us (me, mum, brother) to tell others that he’s left and they’re disgusted with him. His mother, father and sister have disowned him, and he dosen’t seem to even care, complete 100% mental breakdown, IMO. I mean, the future for them doesn’t look great for them. My mother found while searching his phone records online that he’s been texting another number alongside the OW, which started two months before he started text the OW (if that makes any sence), which we believe to be her own sister (talk about sick)…. can’t wait for a couple of weeks time for when the OW gets a shattering text that he’s been unfaithful to her too, along with all the nasty things he’s said about her… (weather these are lies, i don’t know, but they seem pretty acurate). I also think he has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), he always needs to the center of attention, and when he’s not he can become very moody and depressed: I can’t wait until the OW finally meets Mr. NPD, it’ll come as a complete shock to her I bet. When he can’t get his own way, he throws a childish fit. Eventually I think he’ll start blaming her, for me and my brother not wanting anything to do with him (which is something your forgot to add; especially if the kids are teenagers and upwards in age).

          You may find this a good read, from a woman who had an affair and now feels like she’s second best in the marriage to her AP daughters, (which she sounds very bitter, insecure and jealous of) – http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2544201/My-warning-second-wives-Hell-dote-stepdaughters-itll-drive-wild-jealousy.html

          • Strengthrequired

            @1991, I read the article you posted, and honestly her words are exactly what an ow would say. The jealousy of the children from the previous marriage, is something that is bound to happen. At the beginning of the affair, they have all the attention, if they happen to marry, then it’s time the dad starts taking notice of the ids again, and the ow now wife, gets upset and jealous.
            If he doesn’t see his kids, she would be so much more happier, no one else to compete with. I like how she doesn’t realise why the older children don’t want to believe she exists, and won’t call home. She doesn’t even believe that it was due to her being a home wrecker, destroying their family unit.
            I can’t believe she expects the daughter to ask if she wants something in the kitchen, it’s her fathers home too, and she wants respect……
            If my ch ended up with his ow in marriage, I know my children wouldn’t respect her, I also know there would have been so many arguments about the kids, that it wouldn’t have lasted.
            The ow thinks that the ch will choose her over not just his wife, but also his kids, it turns out to be a rude awakening when it turns out different to what they thought.

        • Strength in Mysterious Ways

          Thank you for sharing your experience- it really sheds light on the long terms aspects of the collateral ‘damage’. I went through a ‘surprise’ divorce when I discovered my (then) husband was carrying on an affair with his co-worker. This woman did everything to get her claws into our entire life- and yes, he was willingly doing it with her but it floored me the level of cruelty to our children (we had three, including one who was only a baby at the time) and our older kids who understood what was going on. It affected them in terrible ways- these cheating spouses and APs are selfish demons in my eyes because they care nothing for the collateral damage they have and will cause. My ex’s whore had 4 kids (with 4 different men) hers were all older because she started having them very young, and so her grandkids were the ages of our young kids- and we were in our 30s! AP resented and treated my children miserably- they would deprive the kids of anything and everything and my ex morphed into someone I didn’t recognize. I had thought early on in spite of the divorce, he might still be a decent dad- I was wrong. I speak this as a cautionary tale to everyone- it’s now been 12+ years since I discovered the affair. Looking back, I still don’t know how I survived it all raising the kids alone and with next to no help from anyone. I will also say to many of you who may be new “members” to this unfortunate club, you may not discover concealed information but in time, sometimes the truth is revealed. Looking back and later learning, my ex spouse had been carrying on with this coworker for a LONG while before I discovered it (I didn’t seen earlier definitive proof because back then it was concealed and it was a coworker so much was hidden through work channels). If they are treating you badly and looking for every excuse to be angry and resentful at you, that can be a major sign. My ex immediately moved out — and in with her — oh but denied the affair. He was driving her car and opening bank accounts funneling our money into her name! He drained our account and I was in shock by this as it happened rather quickly. Best advice- plan before you confront, take affirmative steps to protect yourself- I confronted first, bad idea. And clearly, if the spouse is that “comfortable” as mine was with this shady hustler/whore, it’s obvious that affair had been going on a LONG time. I later learned it had been going on for at least two years before my sudden discovery (because I had never snooped, and he was masterful at keeping everything guarded). He never mentioned her and only had a few years before. Flash forward: one of our kids is grown and hasn’t seen the ex in years, the other kids, now teens, really resent him and the AP, including the child who was a baby at the time. They all have said the few times they have seen them, she is an absolute witch to them. I had a very hard time trying to rationalize all of it early on- and why he would select this level of skunk to be hooking up with- she wasn’t smart or pretty, had a criminal record, even had her own kids taken away by CPS years before, and my former spouse had a very “public” job so it made no sense. I was in a very sad state for a LONG time, raising the kids alone was a huge challenge. I tried to take it one day at a time and give myself spurts of time to mentally compose. If you are going through this, please know you aren’t alone. Be kind to yourself. You did nothing to deserve the outcome.

        • Maggie

          Ex’s daughter 😭 I am so so sorry you, your sister and mom went through such a horrific time. I am so glad that you didn’t have to live in that toxic house with the OW adulterous spouse. I can’t imagine how you would have been treated.
          I am so glad you did connect with your brother and did not hold what his parents engaged in against him.
          I hope it’s a healthy sibling relationship for you all. You all did not ask for any of this. Sounds like your father made poor choices that can be sorted through with a trusted counselor for you children and your mom. That will ensure his genetic line if cheating will go no further to reek havoc in your family lines… much care and continued healing to you all

      • cynthia

        Mine, too.

      • Brandy

        Reading this article and your comment, put a lot of things into perspective for me. I was married for around 6 years. I left to go visit my family in another state and my husband said he needed some time and that my 4 year old son, my 6 month old son, and I could not come home. He had began a relationship with another woman. It completely devastated my children and I. I wasn’t sure if she knew about me so I contacted her and told her who I was… She already knew about me, she had creeped my fb page already, and she told me to move on and to get over it. She said that she had done nothing wrong bc I was the one that left… Apparently you should never visit your family without your spouse, otherwise that means your spouse is considered fair game. We are divorced now. He is supposed to pay child support and he is over $20k behind at this point and he has a child due with the OW next month… I have a feeling that my children will one day absolutely despise them both for what they did to us. Thank you for sharing your experience… You truly gave me a different perspective to think about.

      • Lisa

        I’m not sure the author used the best “tone” if they were trying to convince anyone of anything. They were way too condescending in the whole entire piece, and honestly it annoyed me so much I wished I were an OW for a moment so I could give them a piece of my mind.

        I did a search about why a devoted guy would cheat on his girlfriend, so I’m not even sure WHY this article came up. People need to STOP blaming the OW who didn’t have any vows to said marriage and blame the spouse who broke their vows. It isn’t everyone else’s job to maintain a marriage. It’s the people who are involved in the marriage who are responsible for that.

        Not all affairs are discovered, and not all OW want to marry a guy they know to be a cheater. I’m not even religious and I would have more pity for an OW who was hurt than this author appears to have, but I’ve also seen way too many times, a married man present himself as single with every intention of cheating.

        No amount of yelling at women will solve this problem. It’s the people who are involved in the marriage-THEY are the only ones who can make their marriage work, or let it fail.

        Attraction isn’t rational. A single person cannot be depended on to ignore someone simply because they are married. In a perfect world finding out someone’s married would end all hope of anything for the attracted party….but if it takes too long for the single person to find out they are attached (spouse being hush on marital status) then all bets are off.

        All is fair in love and war.

        • 1947

          You don’t get it so you will be fair game one day. If the OW knew about the wife she should have walked away and indeed left it to the couple to work out or not. No wife deserves this and the wife is the one left to clean up the mess, deal with the children, cry herself to sleep, and wonder what happened. That question will never have an answer. The OW is a fool for helping to cause this and religious or not, i hope you know the difference between right and wrong.

      • Lyn

        Thank you for your honesty. I have three children who were hurt by their fathers cheating then his abandonment to them and me. In his mind he did nothing wrong and blames me but says he will always be their for them. Has he….not at all but I guess it makes him feel good enough to hear himself say those things to his kids. My older two don’t care for him and want nothing to do with him. My younger still hanging on to his hopeless words. I do wish he would let her be so we all can move on. He and that OW both planned to leave each other’s family’s for each other. Well I don’t wish them the best but I do pray for justice to be served to them. One day it will happen. Again thank you for your honesty about the kids side of it. And NO kids will never get over it. What he said to everyone else.

      • Maggie

        Carol you shared that so so well.
        Thank you so much for giving the children’s side of affairs. It is not okay to stop working on your marriage and fighting for the vows made just to have what you think is an easy out. It effects everyone especially the spouse and children etc. It is no better than what you had with your original spouse that is a lie and a trick to get you to stop working at marriage.
        People just don’t fall in love with random people. It is a choice. You can choose to love anyone. It’s that honeymoon phase that’s temporary at best. A long lasting relationship takes work, commitment to be selfless and being whole within yourself. If not, it’s a never ending revolving door of marriages. Trying to find the perfect spouse. There is no perfect person therefore no perfect spouse. Be that spouse, you would be proud to love.

        If you choose to let yourself fall in love with a married person, their are consequences, devastating to the marriage partners childen and the entire family and some communities.
        Counseling to a Wholeness will help heal the pain and not pass on that genetic blueprint of affairs.
        Wishing you much peace

    • Hopeful

      Wow, powerful stuff.

      • cynthia

        Hopeful, yes, it is indeed!!!

    • livingonafence

      May I just say “Boofuckinghoo”

      Damn right no one will care when he cheats on you. Why should they? You got exactly what you did to someone else. Not too many people feel bad when karma shows up for some payback.

      I do appreciate telling the intended reader that they aren’t special. So true. Every cheat thinks it’s their ‘soulmate’. It’s not. It’s just someone willing to listen to your crap so that in return you’ll listen to their crap. Yeah, anything that involves lying and sneaking to cheap motels is ‘special’. LMAO

    • Gizfield

      I actually told my husband a version of this story a long time ago. I said “The best punishment you two could get would be forced to marry each other. Then one day, at some point down the road, maybe after an argument, me maybe not she will look across the table and say “I married a liar and a whore.” And you will look st her and say “I married a liar and a whore.” And guess, what, you are both right, lol.” It would be great if they were forced to continue whatever they did, with no chance of parole. Hours on the phone, hundreds of texts, mooning over each other…hows that working for you, in 20, 30, 40 years…

      • Shea

        I said the same thing to the ex! LOL

        • Jane

          I also said something similar to my exH .
          I told him that if he married her, he would have a liar, a cheat (she was engaged to another guy when she had the affair with him) and an adulteress for a wife. He did marry her, but only when she got pregnant. Nuff said.

      • cynthia

        Giz: Right on. LOL

    • Battleborn

      I agree with Carol. Hindsight is truly a gift. Unfortunately when the affair is happening neither party is thinking clearly … well, duh! The grass is always greener on the other side – ha! It has been my experience with people I know that married their affair partners that the grass died when the man went over to the other side and no amount of watering can bring the lawn back. Of course most of the ex-wives went on to blossom into beautiful women. Sucks to be the OM/OW when you see the BS thrive in her/his new life.

      • Rachel

        Amen, battleborn!
        My friend said that I never smiled before.
        His “soulmate” was the best thing that could have happened to you”.
        And the best compliment is ” divorce agrees with you. You have never looked better!

    • Anita

      In reading this I can see that the betrayed spouse is in a
      grieving process, and blames the other woman.
      It appears she hasn’t forgiven this other woman and still
      habors resentment and bitterness.
      My exhusband never married his affair partner, but rather a woman who he met later.
      We get along fine and our children are adults and we each have our own relationship with them,
      It takes time forgiveness and healing to look at your own self and see what part we played in the demise of our own
      This betrayed spouse needs more time to heal, when she
      does, she also needs to look at herself and see what role
      she played in the demise of her own marriage, also
      she needs to realize that her exhusband was the one
      who broke the vows, and that he was the one who left her.
      She needs to forgive her exhusband, and become allies
      with his new wife and him, for the sake of the children, so
      the children know that they can be with either parent, and
      the parents are acting like adults for the best interest of the children. This betrayed spouse needs to set her bitterness
      aside and work as a team player so the children get the
      best of each parent.
      She needs to forgive and move on.

      • ex's daughter

        So true. My mother took forever to forgive my father, and it only hurt my sister and I. But, the funny thing is, when she finally let it go and forgave my father in her heart, it seemed to take so much power away from my dad and stepmom. It’s like they had to get over us not caring anymore. Seeing her bitterness made them feel powerful. She has moved on, and is happier than I have ever seen her, and that gives my sister and I strength.

      • Toni

        whatever, there you go blaming the BS. No matter what role she had in the marriage being broken it doesn’t give the CS right to go out and cheat. Please

      • Sarah

        Anita, your comments are bunk. How could the innocent survivor of a cheating husband and his affair partner POSSIBLY become allies with the people who deliberately hurt her? Alliance means TRUST. The one thing the survivor knows about her husband is that he is a LIAR. And now she has to deal with the fact that her children are going to be influenced by a liar for the rest of their lives. When you say that the survivor needs to look at what they did to cause the affair, you are putting blame where it should never, ever, go. Keep your advice to yourself, please, because it is pie-eyed and hurtful.

        • Rosey

          Actually, I rather agree with Anita on this one. An alliance is just a relationship for mutual benefit, it doesn’t have to be based on trust.
          After more than two years of frosty but polite behaviour, I too have formed an alliance with my rat of an ex-husband. This doesn’t mean I trust him, and I certainly don’t like him or his wife. I strongly suspect I never will.
          The reason I formed the alliance is that I noticed that my kids, now 18 and 14, were being put into very awkward positions because they felt they had to segregate the two family groups. Deciding which parent to invite to an important birthday, or having several time pressured events. My son would even refuse to play his favourite sport if my ex and I both wanted to attend. Through no active encouragement of the adults in their life, they felt they had to choose between the people they loved. Not because the adults said anything or behaved badly, but because we all behaved in non-harmonious ways.
          However badly I may have been treated, my children were certainly the most innocent of victims.
          So instead, I chose an alliance. So that my children don’t have to choose, and can love and spend time with their family members as they want to. I sent my ex an email, explaining how I saw the situation, and we agreed to show the kids through our actions that they don’t have to choose between my ex and his wife and me. No big, loud action were agreed, just small ones, like not avoiding each other, etc.
          The future will show whether my initiative is a success, but I choose to work on the alliance for the sake of my children.

          • Olivia

            Congratulations Rosen,

            We will never be sorry for this choice. An excellent choice, amongst all possible responses and choices.
            It may be very difficult in the short run, however you will find in the long run it will become easier and easier and the love you have for your children and your family and the good things that you all share and have shared will continue to grow.

            I know this because it’s what I did. Today, more than 20 years later, we all gather as a “family” for special holidays, such as Thanksgiving, wedddings etc, and lots of joy and love are shared.

            I am grateful for making that choice many many years ago, but I also remember the pain and hurts, although that too has faded like a distant memory and I continue to learn about myself each time I consider the demise of our failed marriage!

            I’m so glad you posted this and I hope it helps some people who are in pain and struggling with this issue.

        • MaisieBlueEyes

          Well said…this Pollyanna is basically saying that it is okay to teach children that lying, cheating, betraying and adultery are not such a big deal and should be tolerated and even rewarded. She also appears not to think trust and honesty are important either.

          • you poor victims

            teaching children to hold onto bitterness and anger is worse. You can tell them it’s not ok and that it’s hard to move on and mommy or daddy will take time to heal, but it takes a special kind of angry person to hold onto it and teach the children to hate.

            • Bunk

              You poor victims… It’s not hate… It’s called moving forward in your own direction and staying away from people who lie and cheat. Go read a psychology today… Lying and cheating are abuse… emotional abuse. Call each one an internal punch. Would you hang out with someone who you couldn’t trust? Go for it.

            • Goldengurl

              You look evil, YPV. Your venom and wickedness are manifesting in your physical appearance. Spew all of this bullshit that you will. You inserted yourself into someone else’s marriage. What gives you the right to grade another woman’s paper? My individual counselor told me that the majority of other women are sociopaths, narcissists, or borderlines. Which one are you YPV?

              I pity you. Really. 🙁

      • chely

        So true. I had a friend who was unhappy, having an affair and using me as cover. Well I told “shit or get off the pot” and she ended up divorcing. When the ex remarried, she immediately became the mortal enemy of this woman, called her the step-monster. Friend proceeded to use the kids (over the next 20 years) as pawns in this game of torture she was playing. Finally when her girls were grown and she still is trying to play games, her daughter turned to her and said “Mom STOP IT! enough already”. She still wasn’t getting it, so finally I had to be honest and tell her how horrible she had been to use her kids to torment her ex and his wife (and all the kids). That she needed to let it go, quit the stupid games, she was only making herself look bad as she was the only one stuck. I had to remind her that she was the one having the affair not him. Funny thing is her andAp never got togehter and he married someone else (even though the affair continued). We are no longer friends

        • sammy

          Karma…she’s bitter even though she’s the one who cheated? That makes no sense except that she must feel that she’s so entitled that her ex would beg to stay with her. When he didn’t and went on to a better life, she must have realized that that she killed the grass herself. I fell bad for her kids to have to go through that.

        • Mama Mia

          Chely-That’s what my husband’s ex has done. We have been married many years. We all knew each other socially, he and I were friends through a social book club. One year, I finally split up with my ex due to his abusive alcoholism. My husband-to-be was married to a woman who had divided him from his family and was having an affair. They had a young daughter and she had a couple kids from previous marriages. Seven years in, he knew was cheating with a guy from Kentucky she had met online. She had started separating their money and preparing for divorce, while “secretly” making trips to see him. She had even tried to get his sister-in-laws to go with her. He left one day when she found out he was interested in me and accused him of an affair (so much irony). She remarried (again) within weeks to the guy from Kentucky. She has been a nightmare since Day One. She didn’t like that I came from a catholic family. She didn’t like my daughter, who listened to punk rock, which she said made it clear my daughter was a satanist. She thought my physically disabled son was a bad influence for her daughter. She wrote nasty letters, threatening to turn daughter against us. On and on. She never came to terms with the fact that his whole family, and I, already knew about her affair. We will NEVER tell his daughter about it, because we don’t want to hurt her and it is between them. Even though his ex has indeed turned daughter against me by claiming I was the homewrecker. I think I was supposed to be the rebound relationship but it ended up Forever 🙂 I was close with my stepdaughter but she won’t speak to me now. What good can come of us telling her other than what her mother has? She is 24 and one day will maybe figure it out when she thinks about the dates of her parents’ divorce and remarriages. I’d rather have her think bad of me than of her own mother. I love and miss her but she won’t have anything to do with me. I don’t really know if we are doing the right thing by not telling her, but at this point she’s not going to believe us anyway. She worships her mom. I don’t feel ok with contributing to that changing.

      • Liz

        Dear Anita:

        I am not a proponent of “the need to forgive” as it is not a prequesite of healing.

        Every marriage that falls apart is not often because both parties contributed to its demise. They are incredible selfish, self-centered individuals among us. Also, not every ex spouse is investing in being in their children’s life. Sad but true.

        I happy you made peace and moved in but everybody healing is different. I supposed it is significantly more difficult if you ex kicks you out of your home, drains your joint ban account, refuses to pay child supports, does not maintain visitation with their children, is horrible and allows the AF to be horrible to his children. Each break up is different so the healing process is going to be different.

        Also, there is no working things through with a toxic ex.

    • Paula

      Anita, you have missed something here, this was written by an affair partner, who married the cheater, and then later learned so much.

      My sister-in-law married her affair partner. He had cheated before, had a 10 year old son, and she thought he was her “soulmate” and did much disparaging of his first wife. After three years of marriage (six years together) and a 2 and a half year old, and a 10 month old, she kicked him out for cheating on her. BIG surprise! My partner and I supported her through this period in her life, both thinking, well, once a cheater….. why did you marry him??? Guess who cheated 20 years later – my same partner!! Great.

      Gizfield, I also whish he had “chosen” her instead of me, quite often. We have talked about this – this was the ultimate reason he ended the adultery. He realised, and had been telling her for a while, that it was all a fantasy, real life wouldn’t work for them (she is a selfish and demanding woman, and he knew it, part of the reason he split with her in his early 20s!) He could picture himself running around after her (then) 3 year old, whilst our much older (teens plus) children were missing out on his input. He said he could imagine sitting down with me a year or two later, in a cafe, over coffee, whilst we were discussing our children, and looking at me, looking stunning, and happy, and thinking, OMG, I have swapped a diamond for a hunk of coal.

      Battleborn, I too know many people who have blossomed after their cheater either left, or was disposed of (lol) and I LOVE that! My mother was an example, slightly different circumstances, my Dad realised he was gay after around 18 years of marriage, they tried to make it work for another year, and then Mum made the call, and kicked him out, and grieved for about another year, then became an even better version of herself, independent, strong and even more beautiful.

    • Anita

      Your right I did, I was on the phone talking when I
      read the first couple of paragraphs. Shame on me for doing
      However after rereading it is interesting, from the other woman’s point of view.
      However, many betrayed spouses who divorce carry this same type of view towards the other woman, until they have
      grieved and forgiven it all.
      It is interesting because that betrayed spouse does heal,
      and blossoms as you’s have mentioned, however the
      other woman, seems to wither away slowly.
      Paula thanks again for pointing that out, again shame on me for doing 2 things at once.

      • Anita

        As for the writer, God has forgiven her, and for her own sake she needs to recieve that forgiveness and move forward with her life.
        From my own experience I have forgiven the other woman
        my exhusand had an affair with, and also my exhusband.
        For me life is to short to carry that big heavy bag of anger, resentment, bitterness.
        I enjoy the life I have now and I enjoy the freedom of not having to carry the baggage from the past.

        • Anita

          This writers story reminds me of the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke Chapter 15 verses 11 through 32.
          After my divorce, I was very much like the Prodigal Son’s
          older brother, my heart was so hardend and unforgiving
          that I also would not have seen the reason the celebrate.
          However after healing and forgiving, my heart is beginning
          to soften towards others. Each day I pray I will become more like the father in this story.

    • chiffchaff

      My boss, who was very helpful and supportive indeed when I had to tell her about the problems at home, told me that her first husband had cheated on her with his student. Everyone knew about it except her (they worked together) and the relevance is that her first husband left her for the AP. He didn’t want to try anything to save his marriage as the AP was perfect in everyway. This man went on to marry his AP and have a child, he then cheated on her and did exactly the same again, dumped her and kid for a sparkly new AP, wife #3.
      So I think that the reason that there’s a cliche about ‘once a cheater..’ is that there are many events of it happening.

      • Anita

        It is sad that your boss’s exhusand done that. Inside he’s
        a very unhappy and goes from relationship to relationship
        because of a void that’s inside of him, something that only
        God can fill.
        Myself I have healed to the point where I findly understand
        that a cheating spouse and other woman don’t need my
        wrath but instead need to be prayed for.
        I believe that when affairs happen, its because of a deep
        void within them, they look for a person to fill those voids,
        rather then God.
        Myself I was once a betrayed spouse and I was full of
        self right righteousness, and unforgiveness, which also
        left a deep deep void inside of me. When I followed
        Gods word on forgiving others, my happiness began to return, and I could start to feel love again, instead of
        saddness and dispare.
        This has been a great lesson to me, the more I forgave
        and prayed for others I felt peace, love, joy, and hope return
        to me.

        • Anita

          I believe there is a time to mourn, but then there is a time
          to be happy again, by letting go of our past grieves, and leave the past behind.
          If we carry a big bag of unforgiveness and self righteousness, we only makes ourselves unhappy.
          I know for myself, if i had done something wrong, and
          I hurt another person, I would like to be forgiven and that
          the person I hurt would put it in the past and let it go.
          If I want that for myself, then I need to do that for others
          who have hurt me.
          Otherwise all the unhappiness destroys us verses letting
          go and be happy where it only builds us.

          • Kathrine

            Yes. However, it’s not up to you to decide how long someone should mourn. It’s up to the BS to decide. It’s HER journey. It’s not a journey for others to say, “it’s been enough time, get over it.” I did my best to help my kids through my divorce but I’m also human. We discussed this in therapy and it was good for my children to see the consequences if they emotionally harming someone by cheating and how hard it is to deal with. They learned that I’m human and I have feelings. They learned compassion. It took me 3 years to heal completely and, yes, I’m blossoming.lol But you shouldn’t try to impose some schedule on people in pain. And we need to stop expecting the BS to martyr themselves “for the children”. I think the worst thing you can do to children is pretend everything is ok. They have feelings and you have feelings – dealing with them honestly is important for them to learn that while things aren’t ok NOW that with work they will be.

            • Hani

              Well said Katherine.

          • Don't Put Up With It

            I think one of the greatest problems in our society is that people are not honest. They are not honest with each other or themselves and it’s the single most important thing – more important than forgiveness, love or anything else. Everything that is real is built on honesty. People have to feel as they feel. If you hate the other woman, and maybe your ex….then you hate them. Don’t be dishonest about it. Be forthright. If you hate them, be open about it. If you get to a point – honestly – where you don’t hate them anymore (or maybe you never really did) then be honest about that. But I would urge people NOT to cover up their real feelings with what they THINK they should feel or what religion or society or therapists or family or anyone tells them they SHOULD feel. FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL AND BE HONEST ABOUT IT. You may want to control what you say or do if you have kids, but honor your own feelings no matter how bad they might be. I have had people betray me, not as badly as this, and more on a work front (although I have been emotionally cheated on but I have not been abandoned) I have never really forgiven them, nor do I want to. They don’t deserve to be forgiven and frankly….it doesn’t hurt me. It would hurt me more to be dishonest and justice is perhaps the 2nd most important quality to me after honesty. Even if I can’t create the kind of justice I would like for people who have done really despicable things (like making me lose a job and driving me into bankruptcy) I like to feel that I put my tiny finger on the scales of justice. I’m not taking it off and no, it doesn’t hurt me. I can only imagine if I had a husband who abandoned me and my kids and ruined us financially over some whore. I would never forgive that and I think I would work to make their lives miserable in whatever way I could. I would enjoy that and I think it would be the morally right thing – for me – to do. I would want them to suffer…if I could make them suffer. I’m being honest. It’s what I believe in. I don’t hide behind God or religion – God’s got his place, I got mine….when God gets betrayed or cheated on then he can put his BIG finger on the scale, lol.

            Bottom line for me, ALWAYS BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS and don’t let anyone tell you how you SHOULD feel or what you SHOULD do. Be authentic! And if other people don’t like it….the hell with them.

            • Don't Put Up With It

              Just to take it another level for the sake of thought – I don’t have kids so it’s all theoretical to me. But if I did, having a husband (or wife on the other side, it’s not just about men) desert me and the KIDS is the worst thing I can imagine. I had a pretty bad childhood of neglect, drunkness, mental illness, foster homes, etc so I do have points of reference but both of my parents although messed up….were pretty honest, with me and with each other. That’s a big saving grace, it gives you something real to work with. Something to grow from. It’s a foundation even in an earthquake.

              If I had kids in a situation where my spouse abandoned me for some whore (and I do like that word and use it often, I think we should bring it back with a lot of other words – I’m BIG on judging and shunning. It’s something society as a whole needs to do a lot more of because it not only punishes people for moral wrongdoing….I think it PREVENTS it, which is even more important ) – I would tell my kids provided they were old enough to understand at all – maybe around 6 or more – that Daddy did a very bad thing and this woman he’s with is, in my opinion, a very bad woman who is robbing them of his presence, attention and resources. That they are free to develop their own relationship with him and her whatever they want it to be (and I do mean that and I would abide by it because the kids have to have honest relationships too) but that I hate the pair of them and that’s the way it’s gonna be and I’m not gonna be nice or pleasant about it. It’s like the feeling you have for roaches or spiders or other noxious creatures – yeah, God made them but I don’t want to share in the joy.

              So I would be honest with the kids – totally honest – about the situation at present and as it develops and I would be honest about my feelings and what I may or may not do. Knowing me, I’d probably be plotting against the ex & the trash because….I think revenge is a good thing frequently. It levels the playing field. But I would also honor the feelings and relationships that my kids would develop even if I don’t like them. They can have feelings and relationships with people that I don’t approve of – I just would let them know what I think and they can decide.

              Maybe that wouldn’t work for many or most of you, maybe forgiveness works for you and there are times when I’ve forgiven people but usually….I just forget about them eventually. I drop them and they fall into the past as much as possible. Not possible too much when you share kids though, I understand. But whatever you do……be HONEST with yourself and others and HONOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS. You have an absolute RIGHT to feel the way you do. No one has the right to treat you like trash and you’re supposed to just forgive that because it makes everything “easier” for bad people. Which is what it really does much of the time. You still feel bad, if you’re honest, but now you feel guilty about feeling angry and hating them or not forgivine them or some such BS you’re adding on to your own weight of sorrow.

        • Sarah

          Anita, I want to know…if you have healed so completely, why do you spend so much time writing on a website for survivors of affairs?

      • MaisieBlueEyes

        Love the “sparkly new wife” comment…a little levity to lighten the mood of this topic…lol

    • chiffchaff

      Anita – it all happened a long time ago for my boss and she has happily remarried. Not sure what the relevance is of your second posting there – sorry.
      I’m also an atheist. A lot of my H’s problems (but not all) stem from his dreadful evangelical christian upbringing so I don’t perosnally agree with the need to fill any such voids with god (or any other religion) either.
      My H was brought up with rampant misogyny, bodies are dirty, sex is dirty and naughty, women are caregivers baby machines and second to men, nudity is wrong, men think differently (i.e. better) to women – all of these beliefs inflicted on him until he left home created any void he may have had in my view, although I recognise others don’t share my beliefs either. From many other postings on this blogs, being a believer in a religion doesn’t seem to make any jot of difference to whether someone has an affair or not.

      • Anita

        I am a Christian, and I love the Lord with all my heart, because I feel that love, I love to share it with others.
        I wish you and your husband the very very best.

        • Anita

          My beliefs are different then those of your husband’s. In the
          Holy Bible its about God’s love for us, and eternal life for those who believe in Jesus, who died for our sins.

          • Anita

            I am a open minded and would like for you to share your
            view points, we may not agree with each other, however
            I am open to listening to others points of view.
            As far as my Christian Faith, I will never surrender it, I know way to much to ever give it up. I have nothing to lose if I am wrong, however I have eternal life if I’m right.
            However I am willing to listen to others point of view.

            • chiffchaff

              Anita – my comments were not a criticism of either you or people who believe in their chosen religion.

              My comments were ore to do with CSs and APs who use their belief to justify their affair, i.e. ‘god meant us to be together otherwise he wouldn’t have provided us with the temptation of each other’ – which is justifying it in exactly the same way as CSs do from any walk of life, it’s just a variant on the ‘I wouldn’t do this unless this person was my soulmate’ rationale.

            • Anita

              When CSs and APs use this excuse, it is just that, because
              in the Bible we are told by God not to commit adultery.
              Also in James Chapter 1 verse 12 through 18 it addresses this. In verse 13, Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He himself tempt anyone. 14, But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15, Then, when desire has concieved, it gives birth to sin.
              There is more to verse 15 throught 18.
              As you can see CS’s and AP’s excuses are ridiculous.

          • Teresa

            Anita, I appreciate your stand….I’m a Christian also and you’ve encouraged me over the months with your testimony. You have a peace that comes over from God! Bless you!

    • Dave


      Interesting, but my wife was also a devout christian at the time when she had her PA/EA. The things she did were very taboo and sinful, yet she did them anyway. The “naughtiness” gave it an extra exciting kick for her.

      I’m an atheist and after my one night stand that happened four years prior to her affair when we were separated, I felt terrible guilt and confessed because it it felt wrong, despite the fact we were living apart and both preparing for divorce.

      She cheated because she needed (wanted) attention, to be adored, and for the thrill. I cheated in a moment of weakness, loneliness, and confusion.

      Both were wrong, and I agree – belief, religion, and god don’t have a lot to do with these situations. If anything, it made hers worse. She, the good christian girl, had two affairs, and then suppressed it in her own mind and then lied to me for 14 and 18 years respectively; I did it once, confess immediately, and have tormented myself for 18 years.

      • Anita

        For me as a Christian, The Blood of Christ washed away all of my sins, and I have been forgiven, therefore I can enjoy my life. However that is not a licience to sin, but
        when I do, I confess it and repent of it. God changes us from glory to glory, and our old nature starts to fade away
        as we become Christ minded.
        You admit to being a atheist, and you said you have tormented yourself for 18 years. That’s a heavy load to
        carry for the rest of your life, when you could choose
        the freedom from this by excepting Christ who will wash
        away all your sins, and the best part you will be promised
        eternal life. John 3 verse 16, and God will change you from
        Glory to Glory.
        However if you perfer carrying your own torment, then no one can stop you, only you can make a choice that will
        change your life.

        • Battleborn

          Anita, I applaud your Christianity and your continued attempts to being God and Jesus into all our lives. It seems that it is your calling. However, I am not a good Christian like you and believe that while God can help me through this mess, He is not the end all be all to our misery. Even with His help, one must still have external assistance. God put others onto this earth to give assistance so we would not have to be by ourselves and they are not all Christians.

          I guess what I am asking/saying is not everyone is religious. What if my counselor is an atheist or Muslim or Jehovah Witness? Their profession is to help me find myself and help me through my misery. My religious beliefs may be helpful, but it is just a portion of my healing. God states that one must find oneself and lead the life they choose. Sometimes it is not religion although most Christians would like to believe it is.

          • Anita

            Thank you, and I do understand what your saying.
            I can only speak from my own experiences, and what
            works for me.
            For myself, I believe my existance on this earth is to love and worship God. If I’m wrong I lose nothing, but if I’m right
            I will have eternal life that is promised in John 3 vs 16.
            Without my faith, I imagine I would live life day to day not
            really knowing what I would wanted out of life, I would have
            no direction, and would be trying to find something to fill
            that emptiness. Because I know money doesn’t bring
            happiness, nor materal goods.
            I find happiness in my relationship with others.
            But for my internal happiness it comes from God, it doesn’t
            mean I am free from problems, but I have learned,
            to trust God in the midst of them.

            • Anita

              I do understand the misery that comes with infidelity, I was once a betrayed spouse myself. I have had the time to deal with it and heal from it as well as forgive it.
              Battleborn you still love your husband, whereas I no longer
              how those feelings toward my exhusband. I think that makes a big difference. Your still with your husband and
              see him day to day and your still married.
              I”ve gone foward with my own life, and I do not see my exhusband, except for family functions with our adult children, and grandchildren, we live in different states.
              My exe and I get along fine, and he’s remarried.
              It does make a difference when your over someone,
              it doesn’t hurt anymore.
              However you still love your husband, and thats why it hurts.

            • Anita

              For myself my pained stopped when I got over my exhusband, after our divorce.
              However I do not suggest for anyone to divorce if they’re
              wanting to save their marriage.
              I went through a grieving process after our divorce, and
              it took awhile to get over it all. However I did, and I am a much more happier person, because the pain is no longer there. I have had enough time to build a new life for myself
              and its makes a big difference. I was very sad and unhappy in the last year of my marriage, its was awful.
              I no longer trusted my then husband now exe. We also
              didn’t get along the last couple months and our marriage and it took a downward spiral and we ended it.
              About 2 years later my exe called me and apologized, but
              I had already moved foward with my own life. Also I
              didn’t want to cycle with him again because his last affair
              was not his first, so it would have been only a matter of time before he cheated again, and I didn’t want to be in that
              kind of relationship. So it was better for me to get over him
              and have a new life for myself. I am glad I did.
              Battleborn take care of yourself, and I wish you and your
              spouse much happiness.

            • Anita

              I didn’t get a chance to finish my last post, I got called away.
              I write here on this site about my past and how I healed and forgave it. However I do not mention much about my current life now, because it does not apply here or have relevance. However I do wish everone here happiness
              and joy.

            • Anita

              My heart goes out to all the betrayed spouses. I have learned so much from having been one
              With that bein said, I feel my own journey has come to a close here. As I have mentioned in the above reply, my
              current life no longer has relevance to this site any longer.
              God Bless you all.

        • Dave

          I was once a believer. It brought me no comfort at all. In fact, it became a source of pain. Removing it from my life freed me to face my challenges and deal with them honestly. When I left my faith behind, I found my humanity.

          Yes, there have been times that I thought it would have been nice if there were something else that could take away my problems, but I know that wouldn’t fix the problems. It would only hid them, and that is what my wife did as a believer. She prayed and thought that god forgave her, so there was no need to tell me. That was all in her head of course. God and religion became a way she could avoid dealing with our issues rather than make a sincere attempt to fix them.

          • Anita

            I wanted to leave this site because it doesn’t apply to my current life any longer However I do want to reach out to you.
            I do understand, I really do. I had went through my own pain
            of wondering Why? Why did that all happen, why did God
            allow my to go through so much pain, when all my prayers
            were about saving a marraige and having it centered around Christ, I tried so hard to be the good wife, and all
            I got was heartbreak and more heartbreak.
            I do understand. Dave I remember crying so hard to God
            and I felt so much anger and pain.
            That was my turning point in my life, I could write God, out
            of my life right then and there, or I could trust him.
            I chose to trust God. My marriage did end, however when
            that door closed a new door opened. I am now free from
            that pain and heartache, and I’m happy again.
            Dave sometimes our prayers aren’t answered in ways
            we would like, however I can see now that God does work
            everything for our own good.
            Dave, your heartbroken about the choices your wife made,
            her choices were hurtful. Now is the hard part you need to forgive her. Dave its ok to cry and yell and scream to God,
            he understands but he’s waiting for you to let go and put
            this in his hands.

            • Dave

              Anita, I appreciate you reaching out and I do understand where you are coming from. We are working on the healing part now and will continue with our counselor and therapist.

              I am glad your faith helped you and I’m not attacking it. I’m just saying that it doesn’t help me. But thank you for the kind words.

            • Anita

              I hope you and your wife can work this out.
              When my exhusband and I divorced, my exe was caught up in his affair with his affair partner. He was a person
              I didn’t even know. As I have mentioned before, they broke up about a year after our divorce, and about 2 years later,
              he called and apologized, by then I had moved on with my
              own life.
              Several months ago I went throught a process to have my
              marraige to him annuled in our church, it was then I was able to understand why our marriaged failed, by me having
              to write about our courtship and why we chose to marry,
              my eyes were opened, we married because of a pregnancy
              instead of getting married for the right reasons, My exe
              always felt he missed out in his youth in dating other women. It came back to haunt us in our marriage. My
              exhusband was not ready for a lifetime of fidelity, nor a
              lifetime commitment to a marriage.
              I do not blame God for our failed marriage, I also no longer
              blame my exhusband or myself. With us being so young
              we made some dumb choices back then. However
              I do have wonderful children from that union, so in the end
              it all worked out and I am happy again.
              I hope you and your wife will get through this and have many happy years to come.

            • Anita

              My past is over and done with, being on this site no longer applies to me nor does it have relevance in my current life. With that bein said, God Bless you all!

            • sam

              I was married for 27 years, had a wife who cheated and went so far as to get engaged with OM while both were still married. I prayed and cried to save my marriage, but God let me know that marriage is from Him and that if He is not glorified by it, the marriage must end. My wife’s family accepted the Adulterous relationship, but my grown children did not. God told me to be still and to endure the pain so that my faith would grow strong in Him…and it did. By genuine forgiveness, I was able to remove the knife from my heart and heal properly knowing that He was with me thru the pain. I pray that my ex and her knew husband will return to God in true repentance… because it is not about us, it’s about the Lord.

            • Brinze

              Excellent response. From the heart, and cuts through to the core of the issue. My husband cheated for decades, mainly with one woman whom I knew and suspected. After 31 years of marriage, it was exposed. I was told I was crazy, dysfunctional, and much worse. I prayed and warred for the marriage. At first I wondered why God would hide this from me for so long but he’s revealed many understandings to me on this. I’ve been divorced almost a year now. There has been the talk of regret and repentance but no real fruit of it. God gave EVERY opportunity to be glorified in this marriage but my husband simply would not heed him. GOD finally put an end to it. He has been amazing to me in this. And that knife in my very heart would have killed me by now if not for the Lord. My grown children suffer. Don’t think they don’t! Every neglect every trip every song every abuse every good moment, EVERYTHING is tainted by the knowledge of what was really going on in all those memories. He said he was sorry and hopes we all forgive him and her one day. He said he wasn’t seeing her anymore but I think he’s lying, based on other awful things said and done. Doesn’t matter. I pray they repent, but they need to understand what they are repenting from! I pray they do for their sakes. I pray for the health of my kids …. the wounds run deep. I truly don’t know how people get through this without the Lord. It shreds the soul. Folks who do this have no idea the extent of the harm they do. I pity them, because I don’t think most of them can face it. It is murderous. But they don’t see themselves that way. That’s why it becomes more about incompatibility, blame, etc. they HAVE to do that to justify such evil. But here is the bottom line. I consider it now an HONOR for God to require of me such forgiveness for such a thing. It’s one thing to forgive someone who steals your pencil. Quite another to forgive someone who stole your life, spirit, soul … or TRIED to. And then makes cheap excuses and lies about it. I believe in facing and naming fully what I am trying to forgive, no sugar coating.., and then, by the Spirits living power, walk in that forgiveness. Oh the reward! The presence of the Lord, His sweet loving touches, it is so beautiful!! So I see that nothing is stolen or wasted in my life. I will always have the pain, but it comes in less frequent waves. And my Ckmforter is there to soothe me and carry me. I win. I pray they have this victory someday too. But the consequences are there. For us all. Remember, marriage was God’s concept and he built us for it. When we twist it in this way, we cause him even more pain than the victim spouse endures. Do we believe this? Do we even care?

      • Shea

        She had the affair because you cheated and broke the trust. YOU broke your vow to love your wife regardless of being separated at the time.

    • Healing Mark

      Chiffchaff. Perhaps I’ll beat Anita to the punch here. You are right. A belief in a supreme being alone will not make much of a difference in whether a person has an affair or not. However, if you are a “believer” and a “follower” it’s unlikely that you will chose to knowingly have an affair. I say knowingly in that many people who chose to lead their lives as their religion instructs would never commit adultery as this term is contemplated (i.e., a physical affair). Yet, for some reason they begin to have feelings for another person that are very real, they get all the “good” that comes from having another person like you and compliment you, and they don’t want this to end and often for a time don’t recognize what it is that they are doing as something “wrong”. Of course, lies and deceit that often are a part of an EA are something that most religions frown upon, but only the most ardent of “followers” live their lives exactly as their chosen supreme being would have them live.

      What really angers me are stories of “men of God” who use their position of power to have affairs with women in their congregation (or do other bad things but that’s a whole other story). I’ll take a person who has self-respect, good character, honor and a committment to living their life to the best they can so as to not cause hurt to other people, especially people they love, over someone who is very religious but does not possess the foregoing character traits anytime. No matter what your religious barometer, it really comes down to choices. I have had opportunities to have PA’s and have had other women start to act in ways that I could see might lead to EA’s and I simply chose not to go there. Would it have been “fun”? Perhaps. But just not right. That said, I will not doubt at some point today drive in excess of the posted speed limits, which I know is “wrong” and a violation of laws. But I will make a conscious choice to engage in a behavior that I know is not the best for me (hopefully, I won’t get a speeding ticket!). It’s sad that there are people out there that will engage in hurtful and harmful behavior (PA’s or EA’s) even though they know that it is “wrong”.

      • livingonafence

        Agreed. OW in my case is a ‘woman of God’ and has Christian nonsense on her FB page. That didn’t stop her from joking with my H about me dying and him using the life insurance money to take care of her. I really have no use for the die-hard religious people. My personal experience has been that these individuals use it as a ‘get out of jail free’ care and act in some very ‘sinful’ ways.

        • Teresa

          LOAF, from what you’ve told me about the OW…she’s not living a God filled life….it reminds me of a story I read about Mahatma Gandhi…http://www.mongoosemom.com/?p=27
          The Gandhi quote says it all…”I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians.They are so unlike your Christ”. What a true but sad statement…

      • ocanas

        Agree with livingonafence, in my case my wife is (was until the EA) a devoted Christian, the OM is a son of a …… ehem Pastor (and yes, the other word you thought also applies! ). It’s not the beliefs that they profess, it’s how much of those beliefs are they applying in their lives that counts

        • Anita

          Your right, to profess and not apply those beliefs is like me
          sitting in my gargage, but it doesn’t make me a car.
          Also just because your a Pastor it doesn’t mean your immuned to a life free of problems, being a parent myself
          my own children didn’t always follow the rules either, and
          neither did I when I was younger, in fact I am still a sinner.
          That why I need Jesus, who died on the cross for my sins.

          • Anita

            When we are hurt by an affair, wheather you stay or leave,
            we are also given a choice to forgive or not to forgive.
            Forgiving, is for you, so your not left with bitterness or resentment. By not forgiving it like swallowing poison,
            expecting it to hurts others. However there is a time
            to greive and there is a time to enjoy your life again.

            • ocanas

              Well said Anita!

        • Teresa

          I tell my children all the time “Keep your eyes on God, because man ( or woman) will disappoint you every time.”
          The Bible clearly states that God does NOT condone sexual immorality, at ALL!! It grieves Gods heart when his children get caught up in affairs….my H and I are Christians, and his EA shook me to the core…this was NOT supposed to happen to us…we KNOW better! HA!
          We were/are regular church attenders and the friends that we hung out with are all of the same faith….BUT we are also born with a sinful nature, and do things wrong all the time!
          I think this has been the biggest hurdle for me to get over, that my H could bury his guilt so deep and continue with his EA for over four months!
          And so many hurtful things he told the cow about me, ALL LIES, and he didnt even care! I just couldn’t see how he could continue going to church, having the Pastor in OUR home for a party, laughing and talking with our friends and all along he had this “secret” life!!
          But that’s how sin is…it gets it’s claws into you, changes you, and brings you down into the pit of despair!
          I’m thankful that my H has finally seen just how destructive his EA was to me and our family, and has confessed his sin before God and is making a real change in his life!
          You know, the EA wasn’t my H’s problem, it was a symptom of his problems…lots of baggage from his childhood that he had never dealt with, and since the discovery of his EA, he’s really making strides in putting his past behind him and moving into a better future…with ME!!
          I’m sure most of you have heard the cliche ” Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven” and that is so true!
          I still have bouts of anger and resentment, I AM human, lol, but I’m finding that as I draw closer to God, I can let this go, and the peace Anita describes fills me…a peace that only God can give 🙂

          • Carol

            Teresa, I can really relate to what you write here. My H gave a lot of lip service to his Christianity, and kept attending church all through his EA. Deep down I think he felt like Christianity hindered him or held him back or kept him from having ‘fun.’ Enter the ‘cow’ (I love your word for OW, heh) and her fuzzy neediness . . .

            I do think that Christians are just as susceptible to affairs as anybody else, especially if they’ve got unresolved childhood issues. That biblical verse about the sins of the fathers being visited on the children? It’s not so much a curse — or a statement of a punishment from God — as it is a statement of fact: when parents behave badly, their children, unfortunately, will pay the price.

            I think that in my H’s case, once he was confronted with what I knew about the EA, he felt terrible guilt. He’d been denying his wrongdoing all along or justifying it somehow, and once I confronted him and told him calmly but firmly to get out, he was hit with reality. I said that since he was fool enough to think that lying bee-yatch was worth more than his faithful wife of nearly 20 years, he was too much of a fool for me. After that he more or less collapsed emotionally. He went to work the next day, but looked so devastated that a co-worker, also a Christian, took him into her office and asked him what was wrong. He told her what he’d done, and she told him sternly that he had committed ‘terrible sins’ and hauled him off to confession immediately. I mean literally hauled . . . she pulled him there. 🙂 She then told him to pray, keep close to the sacraments, and do all he could to love me as he ought to have been doing all along.

            That was the beginning of his positive transformation. He still has a long way to go. The Christian faith is NOT a crutch, in my opinion, not if you really try to live it — my H’s experience is showing me that. Loving others as Christ loved you requires incredible maturity and self-sacrifice and wisdom and compassion and yes, sometimes firm boundaries, too — such as those that keep out needy members of the opposite sex who prey on married people for their own twisted purposes. It is a constant struggle, a race, as Paul called it, a labor, as the gospels say over and over. So I don’t think of my faith as something I ‘need’ to get through life. There are many easier crutches out there that I could choose. For me, my faith is kinda inevitable, if that makes sense. I went through hell as a child, and as I look back the only way I think I could possibly have made it through relatively unscathed is if something bigger than me was holding me together.

            Sorry if this is rambling — just to say I understand where Teresa is coming from. Christians are called to a high moral standard, but they can fail, just as people who are atheists and who know that cheating is wrong can fail according to their own moral standards. I do respect the way my H is trying to live up to the demands of his faith in the wake of the EA. Do I wish he’d done so before, and not behaved like an utter hypocrite? Hell, yeah. Am I glad for his sake that he’s living with more integrity now? Yes.

            • Teresa

              Thank you Carol 🙂 I’m glad your H had a coworker who was concerned enough to care! Also a verse I like to think about…for my H AND my me, because I STILL do get angry at times, LOL…it’s Proverbs 24:16 ~ “Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” ( or in my case, a woman,lol)
              We all make mistakes, my H made some whoppers, and it was WRONG, and he was wrong for dragging his feet for a year afterwards…but I also know that’s normal, all CS don’t want to do the work, they want life to go back to “the old normal”….it takes a while for them to realize, this is the “new normal” and it’s there is NO going back!
              Oh, and I call her the cow…..because she reminds me of one!! A fat, lazy woman who takes no responsibility for the hurt that she caused….just grazing her way through her miserable life! I truly feel sorry for her H and her kids!
              Me and my H? We’re doing great! My H spoils me…daily…and I let him, LOL! 🙂
              And even though we still have small “issues” every now and then, (mainly pretaining to his Avoidance issues stemming from an emotionally abusive childhood) we are happier together than we’ve been in a very long time….I still check in here every now and then because I have several friends here that I check on….and when I feel I might be able to post something that helps someone, then I do 🙂 At least I HOPE it helps them!
              I feel I’m an “oldie” as I’m 20 months past Dday….and my heart breaks for those just joining the “party”…gag!! But hopefully what I or others say that have been there, done that, will be helpful to the newbies! 🙂

            • sammy

              People do make mistakes – we are all flawed. I forgave my H after finding out about his serial cheating/lying throughout our marriage. It was hard…I forgave but of course didn’t forget. He looked remorseful, went to counseling, etc. He said he was ashamed, sorry, and promised he would never damage our marriage like that again. However, a few years later, he did it again – lying and cheating for 2 years. So devious and underhanded too. Yes, we are all flawed, but some people are narcissistic and sociopathic – doing things without regard to people close to them. No empathy for what his kids would go through. I realize now that he was only sorry he was caught, since he never confessed or came forward with any of it…I had to discover it. So you can forgive and move on for YOURSELF, since some people really don’t even care about your forgiveness – they just want to manipulate and “win” at some game. So do not be TOO understanding…just be aware that you may be dealing with someone with a personality disorder. I have found that detachment and no contact is the best way with these disordered people. They truly have a void that no amount of attention will fill.

            • sammy

              Also realize that by feeling sorry for them or wanting to fix them somehow really may be about your co-dependence. Be aware that it’s not your job to fix their deficits…they need to do that for themselves, because it won’t work if you are more invested in that than they are. I used to think that marriage was about sticking it out through bad times, and I had to “help” him…but I realize now that cheating is abuse, lying is abuse. Cheaters have no right to rob you of your sense of well-being and unilaterally make decisions about the reality of YOUR life. I am still struggling to not be too empathetic or too understanding. Narcissists will exploit that and actually target those with soft hearts.

            • Jane

              Spot-on Sammy.

              Cheaters cheat because they lack sensitivity, empathy and morals. What they do have in spades is arrogance and a sense of entitlement.

              I am sure that my exH and his former AP are well-suited because they are both as immoral, insensitive and selfish as each other.

            • Rachel


            • Scarlet

              Wow, I could very well be reading a part of my experiene. My H cheated on me, moved out of the house. The OW vervally atacked me and he permited it. The he repented, looked remorsefull, even cried. We went to counceling. I forgave him im part because I was pregnant. He promised he wil never hurt me like that before. 3 years later he did, moved out of the house and went living with her. 3 week later after hemoved, he got engaged with her. I tougth, I still think is my job to stick it thr, to help him grow up, to help him become a better person.

            • Olivia


              I can feel the power of your emotions here!
              You are amazing, keep in touch with your feelings and accept them, even the painful ones. They will keep the love in your heart and soul.
              It’s so important to stay open to him, I applaud you.

              There is truly something powerful and wonderful in store for you!

      • Anita

        Healing Mark,
        Your right affairs happen everywhere.
        My point being that none of us are perfect, and at one time or another we may need forgiveness.
        I also do not take offense when someone has a different
        point of view then me. My faith brings me much joy, and it
        promises eternal life to those who believe, that alone is
        enough for me, and I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

      • chiffchaff

        HM – yes, I agree with you, it’s a choice to life your life in a certain way and to not harm others either mentally or physically by your own actions (be they affairs or other actions).
        After discovering about their son’s behaviour their first concern was that he shouldn’t be saddled with looking after our dog as his job would suffer.

    • Blue

      I agree, ‘saying’ you’re ‘Christian’ doesn’t make you one. The OW in my sad story was not only a regular church going person, she went to Christian schools throughout her whole life! It obviously had no affect at all.

      I grew up in Christian faith, although not religious now. I have to admit though the only thing that pulls me through all this darkness is talking to my guardian angels every day for the past 2 years asking them to guide and help me be a forgiving person. Maybe I sound freaky but I actually see ‘signs’ from them. (unfortunately the ‘devil’ likes to taunt me still)

      I think Anita is a true Christian and she comes here to help others through her faith to help them find happiness. If only I could let her words really penetrate into my soul, I’m sure I would find that lost happiness. Although I don’t write much on here, I find you’re the only ones I can really trust. (I have a sad feeling most of my ‘friends’ would betray me if they had the oppurtunity with my husband) I wish I were a mind reader to know who to trust.

      • Anita

        Thank you, but its ok I do not take offense when others do not agree or share my same beliefs.
        I don’t agree with their beliefs either, however my beliefs give me much, joy love and peace, and that’s good enough for me, and the most important part of my belief is eternal life.

    • Surviving

      Want to know what happens?
      Look at the public meltdown of Leann rhimes
      Her insecurities, her issues her recent admission of anxiety.

    • Lisa

      Thanks to this writer. I believe her insight is valuable pray someone does heed it in time.

    • Jim

      My wife of 26 years cheated on me the last 5 years of our marraige. Lie after lie, she tried to make me think I was crazy for doubting her…but I knew. Finally proved it, got divorced, her affair partner is im the process of ending a40 year marriage to be with my ex, all very sad, I feel no forgiveness in me after such a betrayal.

    • Gizfield

      Jim, they all try to make you think you are crazy. It is a very dishonorable way to live. I bet they were both shocked as hell when you divorced her. Now they get to live out “the “dream life” they planned. Reality doesn’t usually live up to fantasy. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. Best wishes to you in your new life .

    • Jim

      Gizfield: Thanks for your response, she was delighted when I filed for divorce. He lives 2 states away but they manage to take long weekends and spend Holiday’s together. His wife has filed for divorce so they can begin their “dream life” shortly.

      • Teresa

        Just wait Jim….just wait…let’s see where they are in 2-3 yrs! My sister left her H of 35 yrs, a great job, and her four kids and 2 grandchildren for the OM…and a year later, she’s back home, divorced, broke (she got $12,000 in cash from her ex and some retirement funds and they blew through that in 7 months) shes in debt for thousands, the OM didn’t believe in working full time, only when he needed money, she found that out AFTER she moved 2000 miles away to be with him…And now she lives all alone and she HATES it!!
        Karma IS out there…it’ll catch up with them, just you wait and see! The best revenge you can have….make a new life for yourself and BE HAPPY!! Good luck to you!

        • Amanda

          I found out my husband of 21 years, 2 homes, 4 kids, etc etc was going behind my back for two years looking for another woman. I was blind sided. We hadn’t been getting along and had started going to counseling and he told the counseler all kinds of wonderful things about me but never said what was truly bothering him (I still don’t know). He had started going through midlife (bad!) and started blaming me for all kinds of things that weren’t true (smothering him for example, which wasn’t true!! I never minded him having beers with friends or stuff like that). I think he was looking for reasons to leave because he wasn’t happy but to avoid guilt, made up reasons in his mind to back up his choices to stray. He finally found an older woman (9 years older than me) who had been married three times. She took him in immediately. She wormed her way into my kid’s hearts and she is a thorn in my side. She has guided him to drag me to court many many times and almost cost me to lose my home over it. They got married a few months ago (yes he is now her fourth husband). She has turned my two girls against me and constantly talks bad about me but knows just the right way to do it so the kids don’t understand what she is doing. I have a court order stating that neither parent is to talk bad about the other parent in the children’s precense, but it’s no good. If I took him to court over it what would be done? NOTHING! I have the two boys with me. I keep an eye on their cell phones and the OW is always texting them things about me. I have asked the boys fifty million times to either tell her “I don’t want to talk about my mom” or to just ignore the texts. They don’t want to cause hard feelings and answer her. For example I see her latest texts are asking him about Senior Skip Day and why doesn’t your mom take you to do something. He said mom has to work and she went on to grill him….she thought I didn’t work anymore (which isn’t true) blah blah blah. What is it of her business?? This is driving me crazy and she knows the only way to get to me is through my kids. Why can’t they just move on? They got what they wanted…..why do they have to try and turn the kids against me? I just want to move on and find happiness again (I have a wonderful man in my life) and wait for KARMA!

          • Natalia

            Amanda, she not going to stop because she wants your life. She got your husband and now she wants your kids. She wants to be you. I suggest you speak to an aggressive attorney to draft a petition for this bitch to stop contacting your children. And threaten your husband with filing for sole custody and no contact with him because he is not stopping this bitch and seems to be enabling her. However this will only work if your children are minors. If they are over 18 all you can do is talk to them in a therapeutic setting, that is with a therapist. Good luck.

            • Amanda

              It’s funny you would say that because she changed to MY dr now (so yes sometimes I go to the dr and she is waiting in the waiting room!) and also invites MY family to their house often. My family has no family loyalty and remembers him the way he USED to be (was a good guy) and goes to visit him. I’ve pretty much stopped talking to my family. They know how I feel. I told them I don’t mind them being civil and saying hello if they saw him out somwhere, but to go have coffee and cake with him and his new wife after they spent how long cheating on me? I just feel so betrayed. I have a good man in my life and I am happy. I just want this witch to stop talking bad about me to my kids. Two are still minors. My oldest daughter is on her own and doesn’t want to speak to me now. I told her I love her and if she ever needs anything I am here for her, but will not tollerate how she talks or treats me. My 15 year old daughter decided to live with the ex and she was there two months and now treats me terribly. I told her the same thing. When you can show me respect as your mother, then we will go back to doing family things. She doesn’t care right now. My oldest son is 18 and slightly autistic. He is the one that the OW texts all of the time about me. I have saved the texts and I have let the exhusband know I save their texts. I told him I will take it to court if I have to. He backed off. The OW on the other hand does it all the more. They told my two boys to put passwords on their phones because it’s none of my business what they text. I sat the boys down and told them my boyfriend and I pay the phone bill, we bought the phones, and it’s our job as parents to check up and make sure things are ok. If they don’t like it they can surrender the phones. They kept the passwords on (my 13 year old son said he was afraid of losing it and someone using it). So I downloaded a program that allows me to see the texts without needing a password. The OW knows the only way to get to me is through my kids and so this is the route she uses. She brags about how her father was a minister (he was married three times) and what a christian woman she is. I pray that she moves on with their new life and just leaves me alone. I texted a friend of mine today that works for a lawyer. I think I am going to ask a lawyer if there is anything I can do. There is no way to keep the kids from her. As far as I know she treats them good, she just runs me down in front of them. The judge in this county sucks and I don’t see anything being done for me. Unfortunately the court systems don’t care much about family values any more. I’ve experienced this first hand now.

            • sammy

              Amanda, this woman is evil. Your ex must be saying some pretty horrible things about you for her wanting to destroy your connections with your kids. Or maybe it’s just a game for her…see how much she can control your kids. This is just downright weird and distorted. Or maybe she’s angry because she knows deep down that she has done some nasty things, doesn’t want to confront that side of her personality, and has to blame you for her anger…but that would mean she would have to have some sort of conscience. Fear sometimes comes out as anger, so maybe she’s afraid that you’re not really as bad as she was led to believe but has to denigrate you because she needs to hope that your ex is wonderful. In any case, karma has probably visited them…your ex couldn’t really be happy with this kind of person.

    • Jim

      Teresa: Thanks for your comment. My ex got me for $200,000, and her husband to be is loaded as a Director for a malor company. They travel all the time and have absolutely no regard for the pain they have caused and the family units they have discarded. No young children on either side. Hopefully they will see the error of their ways someday and show some remorse, highly doubtful. Their lives appear to be perfect.

    • exercisegrace

      Personally, I dislike the term “Christian”. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus and I shouldn’t have to say that to anyone. If my life doesn’t reflect my beliefs, then I am a fraud and a failure. Telling me that the OW was a “christian” and “active in her church” (bullcrap on both accounts) was a way to make me comfortable with the growing friendship. If your walk doesn’t match your talk, then we are going to have a problem!

    • DJ

      My husband and his OW are both religious types, too. They prayed for God to make a way for them to be together.

      I am a Christian, but I have no illusion that this makes me or my fellow Christians better than anyone else. A public profession of faith does not a Christian make. And given the right situation, even a real Christian can fall with little provocation at all.

    • Missy

      Great article! Thank you for writing this. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy article to write.

      My cheating ex got engaged to the OW before our divorce was final. He suffers depression and it normally lasts from Nov until Feb. I was so hurt by the horrible way that he treated me and discarded our marriage. He was a minister at the church we attended. He moved to another state to be with the OW.

      He has called me numerous times crying and apologizing just to try to ease his guilt. He told me how much he misses me, misses us, misses our life and our friends. This is the OW’s 3rd affair with a married man but my ex is the only one that left his marriage.

      He dislikes kids but is engaged to someone with a 4 year old daughter. During one of his depressive cycles he told me that he was afraid he would molest a child…If I ever tried to let the OW know this, I just come across looking like a bitter ex.

      What a crazy mess! His family are very angry about his choice and have already told him that she is not welcome to family events and that they would not be having family vacations with them either. It’s such a tangled web that people weave.

      I am just thankful to be out of this situation. I have been blessed with great friends and an awesome Pastor. Karma. Oh dear sweet Karma; it’s going to visit them soon enough.

    • Gizfield

      Oh my, Missy. That is one of the worst situations I have seen on here. one of the primary reasons I stayed with my husband was so that a known tramp who dates married men would not have access to my then five year old daughter. It is so common for child molesters to use the parent to get access to the child. I have a friend on facebook who is divorced with a nine year old son. Every few months it’s the same story. She gets a new “wonderful” boyfriend, them a few months later it comes out hes jerk. The latest shes dated about a month, and theres a photo of her kid and another boy laid out on the couch watching tv with himv. I’m not saying anything is going on there, but how easy is that? If he really is a child molester, your ex, can you think of any way he can be exposed? This is extremely serious stuff.

    • Missy

      I honestly did the only two things that I knew to do. I notified the pastor of the church that they are currently attending and I also informed my ex-SIL.

    • Gizfield

      Thats great, Missy! You did what you could! Now it’s on them, hope it doesn’t happen.

    • Surviving

      What a horrible situation.

    • Amelia

      Wow! My ex left me for another girl and they enjoyed every moment of wrecking and escaping our marriage while I was left behind raising a child. She is now pregnant and engaged to him and its now as if both of them are miserable as hell as noone is happy for them and treating the other women like a cockroach you just can’t kill.

      I would hate to be her she’s so hated and the pain she caused is going to know haunt her for the rest of her life. Bringing children into the mess they created was just shocking. It goes to show how desperate and insecure these other women get. Poor child

    • Jody

      Anita, if you are still around…you have turned my entire day around. I am the cheater, and it is killing me. I left my spouse for my AP and married him. I do love him very much, and in many ways we are happy. I simply cannot come to terms with my guilt. I can’t forgive myself, and I like you actually have a strong faith. I pray about this daily, and need to learn to forgive myself for what I’ve done. I feel horrible for what I’ve done. I speak to God daily, and if you could provide any passages in the bible relating to this, I would appreciate it. Thank you for setting an example of positive healing for so many hardened, bitter hearts and for speaking the truth about what is best for the children despite who caused the pain. I’m trying so hard to move on, but everywhere I turn people just make me feel like a whore all over again unworthy of forgivness. You are the first woman on this site to ever make me think that this is posible. Thank you.

      • Kathrine

        Jody, you can’t ask the BS to forget her feelings and just “do what’s best for the children” when you and their father couldn’t think about what was best for them either. It’s always interesting to me when the OW/OM think that it’s the BS who must make things sparkly for the children to make up for their failures. I made sure that my children got into therapy immediately and one of the things the counselor told them was that their mother is a human being with feelings. That we ALL had a right to feel upset and hurt. That we ALL needed time to heal. My children didn’t want to be around the OW and it had nothing to do with me telling them not to…IT HAD TO DO WITH THE OW BEING PART OF A HORRIBLE TIME IN THEIR LIFE. It may be a magical time for YOU because you are with your “soulmate” or whatever, but to them you’ve changed their world. You’ll have to just give everyone time to process their pain and deal with however long that takes – it’s not up to you or their father to decide how long that will be. I understand why Anita’s words speak to you…my ex and the OW have suddenly turned to God and now all their sin is forgiven. Great. But that doesn’t negate the damage they did. If you feel unworthy of forgiveness…well, your actions were awful. It’s appropriate that you feel that way. Give the children and the BS their space! Just because you are with their father doesn’t give you any right to insert yourself into their lives. My ex tries to force it and my children just shut down. Let things happen naturally. No one HAS to forgive you…and you shouldn’t expect it. If they do forgive you, then you should feel very lucky. If not, then you’ll have to accept that the cost of pursuing your own interests (your “love”) was at the cost of your reputation. All you can do is try to be a better person and find a way to forgive yourself. No one owes you forgiveness. Sorry, Anita. I disagree with you. I don’t live with hate in my heart but my forgiveness was for myself, not the OW or my ex. They are not my concern.

    • Warrior

      Hi. My husband has been having an affair with the OW for 16 months now where they kept on lying about their relationship which was mostly internet based except for the other”work trips” I found evidence though and he confessed, begged for forgiveness and carried on with her for the next year. I fought for my marriage and my 2 beautiful girls The other woman moved in with him last week after she was apparently kicked out of her home. She is 10years younger than me, drop dead gorgeous and was a model but at 36, now basically unemployed which means he has to pay her bills. My husband is financially responsible for us at this stage. I have started working but work on commission only. He is a good dad and his intentions (however unrealistic) are to provide for us. He wanted my kids to go and visit him and my 12 year old refused. The youngest wanted to go and see him and wrote a list of rules for him about what would upset her like sleeping in the bed with the OW and she wanted him to sleep with her. (she has been diagnosed as highly sensitive) When it came to bedtime he told her he is going to sleep with the OW but that he’d leave the door open. She woke up in the middle of the night and the door was locked which was traumatic for her. The OW also said her hair needs conditioner, which angered my daughter Now she also refuses to go to him and we’ve agreed that he’d come and pick them up by himself and spend a day with them. I am so hurt about what he did and the way they did it. He blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life and says that she is so supportive. After a week of living together!!! My kids lives will never be the same. I really resent the fact that even they are living (without furniture though) except for their lovenest but they are happy and enjoying their honeymoon while stepping over the dead bodies around them…and they don’t care . I’m sure a year from now things will look very different from now… but right now it is so hard.

      • Amanda

        This is almost my exact story and I feel for you. I cannot even tell you it will get better. My ex would blame me that I was poisining the kids against him and the OW and I was not. I tried to tell him they were angry about what he did and hurt that they want time with HIM while they heal but he had to include her in everything. My youngest was devistated that he was sleeping with the OW while they were trying to heal and he told them they needed to get over it because he loved HER now. Fast forward to today, he was able to tell my two daughters enough lies that they are mad at me, went to live with him and barely speak to me. he told them that he was smothered by me and was never allowed to do anything. That is sooo far from the truth. He went out when he wanted to and had no rules. And I didn’t mind it because we were best friends and there was TRUST. When i found out he had a secret cell phone and other lies he told me I DID become possessive. Isn’t that normal?? I tried to explain that to my girls and they said “poor you”. Nice huh? He is now married to the OW. I told my girls I love them and I will always be here for them but I will NOT put up with the disrespect from them and until they can treat me better we won’t be doing anything together. They still think I am wrong and although I reach out from time to time (which I shouldn’t!!) they still treat me nasty. I bought my 15 year old daughter a bunch of nice Christmas presents. I made her come here and open them so we could see her happiness and she was here ten minutes, opened them, gathered them up, gave us a hug and kiss (the boyfriend and myself) and she left. Then blocked me on her cell phone. The best advice I can give you, is TRY TRY TRY to block the feelings in your heart for him and move on. I put myself on a dating site 3 months after he left. I wasn’t ready at all!!! But I started to see what was out there and I met other people who were going through the same thing. I tried to forgive in my own heart the best I could. I had to, to move on. You don’t have to tell him he’s forgiven. Do it for yourself. If you have insurance, go see a counselor. I found a great one and it helps so much! Don’t be afraid to date casually. Just be up front that you are looking for friends first because you are just getting back into the dating scene. And lean on your friends when you are sad. That is what they are there for. I also put myself back in school and have about 14 more months to go to have my degree. Do some things for yourself to make yourself proud. Right now my ex and his new bride are constantly using the kids against me and I have no way to stop it. The courts don’t care!!! It’s sickening. So I ignore as much as I can and wait for KARMA. XOXOXO

      • jorge

        im sorry but it isnt just men that Do these things. my wife and i were together 11years, married for almost 8. 4 years ago we both stepped out on our marriage. i went first and it was longer, her was as a payback. we forgave each other and got together again. aug 13 was the last time she told me that she loved me, on aug 27 after a normal argument she decided that she wanted a divorce. i couldnt undrstand why until…. 3 months ago she decided to do have another affair. we were both christian, her more so than i so when my kids found out about it and told me we could not believe it. on sept 9 i spoke to the mans wife to confirmit and i left the house. since then she has filed for divorce. she has since told my oldest daughter (21) that she wasnt with him anymore but was “talking” to someone new, someone younger. she says the first guy decided to stay and work on his own marriage. the whole time she called me psycho, that i was acting like a crazy person. now i know it was her making me act like that, denying everything. another lie she has held on to was that it was an emotional affair only but just 2 days ago she told my daugther that it was in fact sexual as well. 3 months later she still able to break my heart even more. for the last 3 minths she has used the excuses that ranged from me being controlling, to being mean to her family (sisters), to being mean to my stepkids. to having a wondering eye. i still maintain a great relationship with my stepkids and specially my 10 month old granddaughter. her new and latest excuse is that she never forgave me for what happened 4 years ago. for a while there i started to belive this but then i realized that she is coming up with so many thimgs to justify what she did specially since her decision has destroyed not only our lives but the lives of my 5 children ( twins 5, 10, 14 and 21) and our grandaughter. and it made even more sense now that i know that it was a full flege affair. for the last 3 months she has made me pay for choice by how she talks to me, her actions, that she hates me without ever giving me a reason why. she even put a restraining order on me after an argument and because of it i have not seen my 3younger kids in 4 weeks. no one seems to understand why she is projecting so much anger and blame on me. when i first found out about this guy i begged and pleaded for counseling to repair our marriage and the answer was always no. she now is trying to live the life of an 18yr old. her life is the gym, her old high school friends from 20 years ago, her old high schools footbal games on friday (none of our sons play, just a nephew but we never went before) our 10yr olds pop warner (this where she met the man). because she has lost so much weight she thrives on the attention men on the field give her. keep in mind that i am 40 and she is 42.

        • Lois

          The anger she projects is guilt. My xhusband is remarried and angry as well as mean. He left has what he wants he should be happy. Not! With all that has been done, the deceit and lies have gone on too long. You cannot mend it. A Christian she is not. She is lost! Take care of yourself and family. This is what is important now.

          • jorge

            Thank you. I am focusing on trying to heal. I am praying by dec 18 i will have my children again. that they are not being fed lies that I am the one that doesn’t want to see them. my children and i had such a great bond and i pray we can have that again. i am dreading the day they ask me why their mommy and daddy are not together anymore. I am still in awe how people can throw away so much for so little. i sill love and miss my wife but i know that the woman that used to be my wife, their mother, no longer exists.

            • Lois

              You are correct. How old are your kids? Let them know always you love them. Contact them as much as possible for small talk hows school etc. Be there my husband was not he was busy building a relationship. As you know relationships take work. Make sure they know you are there if they need you. Respect takes time to earn but can be lost easily. My kids are 15 and 20. They love their Dad but have little respect for him. It will take time for healing. Currently they are what is the most important. Take care make good choices.

    • Missy

      Warrior ~ My heart goes out to you. They are in ‘the honeymoon’ stage right now, they don’t see the bodies yet but they will…give it time.

      The best thing that you can do is to put on your best game face in front of him. When he is out with the kids, go get pampered or go to the gym. Don’t text him, call him or email him begging him to come back. If you can find a local DivorceCare class, they really helped me. They have them for kids as well.

      Trust me, neither one of them have ‘won’. The fantasy of the affair and living the ‘dream’ of finally being together wears off quick!! My ex married his AP and started calling his family crying about how miserable he is within 3 weeks of being married.

      He will soon start seeing her faults and she will see his. And living with no furniture – ha! Honey, that would get old for anybody quick. The problems surface a lot faster when you quit fighting for him. Of course your ex tried to blame you for the marriage problems; he has to try to reason it out in his mind and he obviously isn’t going to be taking any responsibility for it (gasp!).

      I am praying for you today! There is an amazing life waiting out there for you, I know that it may not feel like it right now with everything that you are going through but there is. You deserve so much more than being in a relationship where you weren’t valued. Affairs are had by selfish people who are only thinking of themselves and their needs.

      • Warrior

        Hi Missy. Thank you so much for your encouragement and your prayers.

    • Warrior

      Amanda. Amazing!!! I was also accused of being jealous… after I found evidence of other women. He was the one who was so jealous that when we first met, I had to throw out my clothes that I wore with my ex. Funny how that changed when it suited him. I’m so sorry to hear about your kids. That must be devastating. Give them time. Deep down they know the truth and you’ll always be their mother.

      • Amanda

        I seek advice from women who have gone through this before me and they all tell me my girls will come around again. It just sucks that HE wanted out and he got what he wanted, yet he and the new wife (previous OW) use the kids to try and get to me. I don’t understand when you get what you want, why do you talk bad about me and run me down?? My counselor told me he does it because in his mind, he has to find reasons to hate me. He didn’t have a reason to leave. He left because he was going through midlife and thought the grass was greener. She said he will try to find reasons to hate me, because if he cant hate me, then he has to come to terms that he still loves me. And he cant love me, he left me! So if he has to come to terms with what he did then he will have to admit he was wrong. She told me to be prepared to have to put up with this crap the rest of my life. He is her fourth husband by the way….. 😉 And she is 9 years older than me. I just pray my kids come around. I love them so!

    • Rich

      As a betrayed husband, you deserve all the pain, shame, spite and humiliation that comes your way. Your choices are disgusting and karma will hopefully kick you in the ass until you die. You deserve it!!!

    • Lisa

      Hi everyone…….I’m new here and have never posted anything like this ever so I’m really nervous. I found this letter months ago and have wanted to rewrite it to the woman who destroyed my marriage and family. She was my friend. She was also married. She has 5 children ages 6-19. She says she’s a Christian and was very active in her church community. We double dated. Our children spent the night at each others houses. It was going on for years. I had no idea. She divorced her husband and mine divorced me. We were married for 26 years. They are now openly together and everyone knows what happened. My children enjoy hers and everyone is getting along. Many don’t seem to mind. Some do though and they are my friends. They are getting married in October. I want their marriage to fail but I doubt it will. They say they are soul mates. They say it was Gods plan for them to be together. My husband was an atheist/agnostic? but now he’s found Jesus. I’ve even heard they plan to start a church together but I just can’t believe that one!

      Now I must tell you that I am not without fault although I have never cheated on him. My husband and I were going through a rough patch I guess. He was craving intimacy and I shut him out. I put everything before him……my 2 boys, my friends, my community, my work……all before him and even before God. I think he tried….maybe. I am so ashamed. When I finally realized what was happening it was too late. I had found a years worth of love letters where she wrote about the intimate details of their sex life (I will not go into details but trust me it was almost pornographic). I found thousands of dollars of receipts for gifts. I found lingerie. They both denied the affair to everyone including their families, friends and pastor. They told people I was crazy.

      I am trying so hard to forgive myself and them. I just can’t do it yet. I’m afraid I never will. I believe they have or are trying to repent however they continue to spread lies about me. The latest is that I’m gay and that’s why we divorced. I am trying to hold my head up high and be strong for my boys but it is so hard. I want them to know what she did. I want to know what’s going to happen when they get married. Are they going to think it’s ok to bail when things get tough?

      What if I do find forgiveness? What if they are forgiven? Will we all be in heaven together? I think I’d rather spend eternity in hell than one second in heaven with them? Does that make me crazy or an awful person?

      • Doug

        This came to our email by mistake…

        “Warrior” writes:

        Lisa. My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel. I don’t get how they can carry on with their lives and be ok. My ex spoke to me today and basically let slip that the OW fights with him about speaking to me and spending time with my kids. At least my kids don’t have to see her at this stage, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to manage that. I can only imagine how it must feel if this woman was your friend and knows you. I pray if he has truly turned to God that he will be convicted and that he will see the truth of his actions. I look around me and see so many people who has married their affair partners and seem happy. I think their relationship must be very shallow and there is always consequence. I think I will see this in my husband’s life when I no longer care.

    • Strengthrequired

      Ohhh Lisa, I’m so sorry. You have nothing to be ashamed about, nothing at all. You didn’t do this to your marriage, they did, they also did the exact same thing to her marriage destroyed it.
      Your boys will one day see what really happened. When your ex h and his ow get married , they will see, that marriage needs work, they will never be able to trust each other.
      That will be there living hell. Their love was made from hurting people, and betrayal, and was not made any decent way with morals and dignity, like your was.
      It doesn’t make you a bad person, not at all. The hurt you, they are the ones that need to be worried about their judgment day.
      They would ave to spend the rest o their lives knowing what they did, knowing all the prayers in the world won’t help them truly find god if they keep on sinning, lying, and not seeking forgiveness from those they hurt. Adultery is not acceptable, no matter how they sugar coat their affair, it was wrong in every way.
      Just sit back and find yourself, you find someone that will truly be deserving of you, and be happy. Show your ex h that you dont heed him to make you happy, show him the woman you are, and let him regret his bed he chose to lie in. You will be the one that ends up in a happy relationship, they won’t, it will be just too much work. So sit back and watch it fall apart.

    • Lisa

      Thank you for your kind words. You made my day 🙂 I have been blessed with supportive friends and family and your words echo theirs. Today was a good day.

    • Strengthrequired

      Your welcome, I am glad you had a good day. I’m glad you have such wonderful support around you, especially at a time like this.
      Just remember no matter how much they toot their own horn about how wonderful they are, that’s all it is, because they need to put you down, to make their behavior look right, and try and pass it off as meant to be. You cam only imagine the talking that goes on behind their backs, wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall to hear it all?
      Take care andmlook after yourself.

    • justbecause

      Lisa, So his affair was going on while he wanted more intimacy with you? I don’t think he really wanted to work on the marriage. You both new your marriage was in trouble. He should have ended his affair (actually he should have never started it!) and worked on his marriage. He knew you would have problems being close, being loving. In fact he counted on just that! He was just trying to justify his own wrongdoings.

      No we are not perfect, but don’t you dare feel guilty.

      How can you feel close to someone when they devalue you by having an extramarital relationship?

    • Lisa

      I just wish I could stop blaming myself. I’m not writing here in search of a pity party but I just feel so damn pitiful! I didn’t put our marriage first……that’s on me. How long is this going to last? Why can’t I be done with it already? When I see them together it is so painful to watch I just want to scream! How can they just pretend like it was okay? She pretended to be my friend and stole my life from me! We could have gotten through this…..I know it!

      Today I referred to her as a whore in front of my boys and my youngest asked what that meant and I said that’s a woman who has sex with a married man. To date, I’ve been pretty good at keeping my comments to myself or only sharing them with my adult friends but it just slipped out and I’m not even sorry I said it! I want them to HATE her! I want them to remember our family’s life together….not this! How do I teach them values without telling them what their dad did was horrible? How are they going to learn how to be faithful? Why can’t I stop obsessing about it?

      I’m going to end for now…..thank you all for writing back to me. It’s very comforting.

      • Strengthrequired

        Lisa, I’m sorry your having a hard tie right now, it’s not a pity party at all.
        Just teach your children that self respect, dignity and honour as well as trustworthiness is an important way to be. Teach them what the difference between what’s right ad wrong, teach them that family comes first, no matter what, respecting others, not to hurt someone else, that’s all any of us can do.
        I wouldn’t worry about what you told your kids, I want my kids to hate the ow too. I don’t ever what them to think it is ok to break a family.

    • Lisa

      I don’t know what I did but somehow my user name was changed from Lisa to lad. I am technically inept too.

      • Doug

        I went in and changed your publicly displayed name back to Lisa. It was originally set to your user name.

    • Lisa


    • Rosey

      An interesting blog.
      I was left behind with my two teens, while my husband ran off with a 31 year old secretary. He married her 17 months after announcing to me for the first time that our marriage was in trouble, and had, in fact ended. He still denies that she was the reason for leaving, despite the father of the bride confirming at their wedding speech that they had fallen in love in December, a full month before I knew my marriage was in trouble. The affair was probably an EA. From inside and outside the family circle, we appeared to have an Ikea family.
      Eventually, however, I was actually the one who did the most damage to the children. Unable to cope with the shock and despair, any mention of my ex-husband or his wife by the children set me off on a tirade of abuse against the couple. It made my children even more miserable than they already were. The victim can very quickly become the aggressor.
      About 7 months after the split, I finally caught myself. I had to ban all mention of the couple in the household, because I knew I couldn’t restrain myself. About 7 months after the ban and after significant healing, I lifted the ban, and the children are now happy to speak openly in front of them. I am careful never to bad mouth either of them. They seemed genuinely relieved to be able to speak openly.
      The children are the real victims in a situation like this. For instance, my 17 year old suffers from serious trust issues in her relationship with a lovely boy. In her words, how can she trust someone, when the most important man in her life did so much harm, and yet lies and deludes himself into believing that he did no one harm.
      My word of advice is: No matter how badly you were wronged by your ex or the other woman, don’t speak ill of them in front of your kids. Wait until you’re alone with your friends. Their father is still their father. The other woman is someone they need to get along with, or she will end up making their lives miserable.
      Maybe there is karma and they will eventually ‘get what they deserve’. I used to wish them ill, but now their happiness, or not, is largely irrelevant to me. My children’s happiness, however, is paramount.

    • Disappointed

      I do not think my h will marry the ow, but I do know she left her husband and is divorcing. I think as soon as the divorce papers are final he will be gone. He has convinced himself that I was never there for him And that I had too many expectations and he comprimised himself to try to meet my expectations at his own expense. they have been carrying on an affair for going on two years but he says no contact since I caught in ea.LIe after lie. he says she has never played games and never made him wait and was just herself and only wanted to know him. I am sure now that she is divorcing that is all just being reinforced. I Tried to tell him that the affair in itself was a game. he won’t admit it. I will have to see them ecstatically happy and bear the acceptance of friends and the humiliation of knowing that everyone will know he chose her and threw me away.

    • Lisa

      Dear Rosey, your husband hurt your children when he lied to you and then left. I think in your heart you know that too. I am a little guilty of saying things in front of my kids too. It’s so hard not to……I have since learned to talk only to my closest friends and family but I sooooooo want my kids and everyone else for that matter to know how he hurt me. I think my kids have forgiven me and yours will too if they haven’t already. I also think they will figure it out eventually. I am still very much in pain and what hurts the most is that they parade around town like what they did was okay and everything is as it should be. They continue to tell lies to justify their behavior and say that it was Gods plan. And worse still is that most people don’t seem to care. I live in a small town and want to scream from the rooftops about all their lies. I want people to shun them and believe me. But I write my feelings here and talk to my friends instead. In the long run I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through it will understand the pain that we feel. So I will end for now and pray that you will have the strength to put one foot in front of the other with a smile on your face 🙂 Fake it till you make it. That’s my new mantra!

      Dear Disappointed, I feel humiliated too……how could we not? Our husbands did choose someone else and threw us away. The depth of that pain in indescribable and no one can understand what it feels like unless it has happened to them. Last summer I saw a therapist and it was the best thing I ever did. I could tell her anything! And believe me, I told her everything…..even things I would not tell anyone else in the world. She truly help me beyond words and I was never into that sort of thing before. If therapy isn’t your thing then surround yourself with supportive friends who will be there for you. I hope tomorrow is a better day 🙂

    • Pmathias

      Hi everyone !
      My husband is been with other woman since a few years i was not aware.
      On the 14 of this month he informed that our 16 year marriage was just a paper and we only have a bond blood referring to my 12 year old daughter.
      I was shock because this is my husband the one i was suppose to die with.
      Few days later he send me a picture of a newborn baby girl, informing me they had a baby.
      He asked me to keep hidden from my daughter because she is not ready to know and when she will be older she will understand.
      I am completely devastated and in pane .
      He is going to Romania with this woman and the baby , I believe she is romanian, and he does not want to have an holiday with us.
      I was honest with my daughter and I have told her the true, she is in pane and sad.
      However she wants to keep a secret waiting till the day he tells her.
      He says that he will provide for us and he will not take anything from our daughter to give to his new child.
      I have been praying many times a day, my hope is with Jesus and our almighty god.
      Please pray for me and give me your advise
      Thank you

    • Rosey

      Hi Lisa,
      Thanks for your support. I am not a religious person myself, but I think any true believer would find your ex-husband’s version of God’s plan pretty flimsy. It must be tough to be in a small town – I was very relieved when my ex moved away. It wasn’t the best thing for the children, but it certainly was for me.
      I do have a smile now, a genuine one at that most of the time. It took a little while, but life is too short to feel all that devastation and despair for long.

    • Rosey

      Dear Pmathias,
      My heart goes out to you. How devastating for both yourself and your daughter.

      You were right to tell her the truth. Had you hidden it from her, she would have resented you for the lie someday. Why should you be responsible for telling your husband’s lies anyway?

      It is so hard to function when this happens but I have a few practical tips. Gather your friends and family around you and take all the support they are willing to give. Also, it sounds brutal, but guilt has a shelf life, so try to get an official financial agreement with your husband as soon as possible, especially since he is moving abroad and has another woman and a baby. I fought through the emotional despair to make sure my children and I were financially secure. At the time I didn’t really care, but I am ever so glad for my actions now. My ex rather regrets his generous financial offer with hindsight, but it’s too late to challenge it.

      And, try through the darkest days to remember that you and your daughter will feel better some day.

      My thoughts are with you.

    • Warrior

      Hi everyone. I want to give you an update about my situation. My ex confessed to me that he misses the times we had and that the OW is so not living up to the fantasy he had in his head. Apparently despite her external beauty, she is quite dumb and he misses the conversations we used to have and the sex is also not going so well. I had to giggle inside at the confession. It just helped me to heal.. I don’t want him back. The year and a half I spend hoping and crying and thinking that I don’t measure up because he has the perfect woman after slumming it with me for 12years. What a lie. The grass is hardly ever greener on the other side. Men get pulled in by the lie. A friend of mine recently said: How you walk out of one relationship is how you walk into the next. While I’ve moved on and have been working on getting better he is even at a worst place than he’s been. They are fighting more after living together for 3 months than we ever did. So hang in there ladies. Whatever they are portraying about their new lives. Give it time… maybe they won’t confess like mine did because they are too proud to admit they were pulled in by a lie… 🙂 Hang in there.. It will get better

    • Gizfield

      Thank you for sharing, Warrior. I imagine that would be pretty typical as an outcome for all our spouses if we had set them free. I was reading on facebook one day all the quotes about Karma getting cheaters, etc. I realized due to my never leaving my husband that it won’t happen. Karma, Interrupted. Being an ourcast, losing his family relationship, people knowing what he did, BEING WITH the skanky nasty whore he pursued and seeing each other for what they really are, all Interrupted. I do enjoy daydreaming about it sometimes, lol. Next step for your hub, Warrior, is probably Old Guy at the Club. Lol. I bet thats fun to watch.

    • Bus

      I had an affair. Cheated on my wife with someone we both new. It went on for a long time. Wife and I separated. Reconciled. Problem was, I fell in love with the other woman couldnt get over it. 20 months after reconciling, wife and I separated and are now divorced.

      The other woman, separated from her husband and is in divorce process (not to be with me, that was a long time coming). We have been back together, so now I will call her my girlfriend, and I can see spending my life with her. However, now my kids know it was her I was involved with. Daughter (12) previously was not talking to me. I had a good relationship with my son 15, but he wants nothing to do with me when I am around her. While I know this is a situation my actions created, its nonetheless crushing to me. I have finally told my girlfriend that it will not work out for us. I cannot stand to not be able to be a father to my kids. (they have essentially given me an ultimatum). I am choosing to be involved in my kids lives. My son knows I am hurting and doesnt say much. He wants to keep as much of his life in tact as possible. I cant blame him. My conscience and quest to still be a good father have daily/hourly/minute to minute fights with the feelings of love for my girlfriend. PAIN. I hope this all plays out the right way in the end.

      • Strengthrequired

        Bus, I’m trying to be kind here, so forgive me if I come across harsh, or not understanding to your situation.
        I’m sorry that your marriage broke down and ended up in separation.
        Yet I think you are doing the right thing by not keeping a relationship going with your “girlfriend”
        Your children are hurting, and it’s hard to face when you know you were the one that caused all this hurt. You now need to start protecting them, they lost their security with you, they relied on you as a protector of their family, yet you chose this ow over them. That is how they see it.
        You can’t blame them for not wanting anything to do with this “girlfriend” of yours, she destroyed their family, she hurt their family, their mother. She didn’t care about your children, she didn’t care about hurting their mother, all she wanted was you and didn’t care who was hurt while getting what she wants.
        If this girlfriend of yours left her husband, and wanted to sound her life with you, do you honestly believe that you can make it through together for the rest of your lives? Do you think that her betrayal of her husband and family, and your betrayal of your wife and family won’t end up being repeated?
        If you think that it will last, how do you honestly know? How can you trust each other to not do the same thing if something better comes along?
        Was she worth hurting your children over?

        Sorry if what I said offended. I do hope you can repair the damage caused between you and your children. All the best

      • Warrior

        Hi Bus. It is very brave of you to come on this forum so I’ll be as kind as possible. I have 2 kids that are so hurt because of their father’s selfish actions. My girls 13 and 10 don’t want anything to do with the girlfriend and they won’t even greet her. My ex forced them to greet her and now my eldest refuses to spend time with him even if he wants to take them out. He is hurt by their behaviour but also won’t give up on his girlfriend. All I’m saying is a woman really worth losing your kids for? He doesn’t even know if it will last because they argue a lot. She is trying to manipulate him concerning the kids saying they have bad manners…So she is stirring. This has nothing to do with their manners. Can anyone really force them to speak to someone who changed their life and split their lives down the middle. There’s always a price to pay and unfortunately it is the kids who pay.

    • Lois

      Well, My story is a bit scary..My husband and I were married for 21 years. He started conversing with his High School sweetheart. She has been married 5 times! he started keeping things to himself, he was consistantly adgitated all the time. Something was wrong, at the time we had a 13 year old and a seventeen year old. i asked him one morning what was up, he said that he was unhappy and it was not about me, it was about him and wanted to move out to see if he could survive on his own. Come to find out he was hording his money just to do that. I went to phone records and called a number he had been texting late at night. It was her! Called her and she finally gave me a shout back telling me how difficult it was to call me and tell me I was more her type, she was a lesbian. Right, they both went on with this game, he even telling me that if I did not trust him, he could never come home. Finally I early one morning went to his apartment and yes she had spent the night. Of course he continued to lie about thier relationship, I found out she had done this before and that I could not win. She was a Sociopath, a woman who has no boundries. He is convienced that they are meant to be, always loved each other. This is why all her relationships have failed. He is angry all the time, calls me names and he left! We lost everything, he lied to our kids who we raised Catholic, they love him but have no respect for his continued behavior. She moved in with him less than 6 months after he left, my kids found out on a visiting trip to his apartment where she told them she loved thier father and his home was hers and she wanted respect. He told them he loved her as muchas he loved them, they found this to be a very difficult statement. We were divorced November 1st, they were married April 28th. The kids found out on Facebook. Shocking! Selfish! His continued excuse for his actions to the kids now is, when you get older you will understand. They both bombard me with harrassing e-mails of anger because the kids are stand offish. it’s crazy. She manipulates his every being, Money, sends me e-mails in his name, constantly threatening me with court because my daughter who is 15 refuses forced visitation. I am trying to move on, be resonable, but some days its just hard!!

    • Lois

      Reading that I am not alone helps, but also hurts me that this has been done to other’s.

    • Rosey

      Actually, Lois, you really seem to have your act together. I agree, sometimes it is so difficult. A close friend of mine from my school days had his wife leave him for another man. She continually harrasses him, despite it being 3 years on and is horrendous to her children. Their daughter, now in her late teens, refuses to have anything to do with her. My friend, however, always maintains calm, and despite the abuse levied at him, doesn’t react (well, react much). As a consequence – 3 years down the line the children want nothing to do with the mother who lies, is abusive and destroyed her family, whereas my friend now enjoys a healthy, strong relationship with both of them. I guess we just have to bite our tongues, and let the kids choose their path, protecting them where we can. It is so sad though, that our children are the ones who take the brunt of the rejection and lies. My own daughter is so conflicted in her relationship with her father. I really wish she were young enough for me to shield her from the conflict.

    • Lois

      After what I have been through and my kids. I don’t respect my X anymore. He is not worth my consideration. Somedays I find myself sad by the loss of my family unit. But what is done is done. I can do this! I will do this and be successful. God has a plan for me. I will follow his judgement.

    • Liz

      I know this thread is old however I’m glad I stumbled upon it. It gives me hope that one day the OW will get her payback. My dad had an affair 4 years ago. I was a senior in highschool. My parents got divorced and the OW moved into my childhood home. I still lived with my dad during this time because I could not live with my mother. They are still together and I resent her deeply. My parents had problems in their marriage and should have divorced long ago. However this was no excuse for an affair. The OW always tells me I didn’t break up you’re parents marriage. She thinks its fine that she slept with my father while my mom sister and me had no idea he was having an affair. From a (17 year old at the time) point of view it shattered my world when I found out. I know my father is at fault as well but children can forgive their parents. I have no obligation to forgive the OW. The author is correct children will always hate the OW no matter what. Especially if the OW acted shady. this woman has never apologized or even tried to say “hey i know why you dont like me” and try to resolve things. The OW was not forced to have an affair with my dad. She CHOOSE too! The worst part is she has children and she told her children it was ok what she did because my father had an unhappy marriage. All the lies and deceit are horrible. I really hope one day she feels the pain that she put my sister my mother and me through. I know my dad will cheat on her at some point I have to wait for time to play out. I’m glad my dad hasn’t married her. people tend to think affairs only affect the BW. It affects the children if not more than the betrayed spouse. I go to therapy for my anger and resentment but it still lingers. I get reoccuring nightmares about the OW. I believe I almost had some sort of PTSD from the ordeal. The feelings of being upset come and go it never stops though. The worst part for me is that she really thinks she did not do anything wrong. I feel like some OW’s aren’t human or defiantly lack empathy.

      • Rosey

        I’m really sorry to hear what you are going through Liz.

        My daughter was 15 when my now ex ran off with a young woman. Two years later, she told me something which gives me hope for my childrens’ future.

        My daughter is similar in many ways to my ex. After struggling with his impact his just walking out on her brother, herself and me, she has realised that she herself would be at risk of just slinking away. However, having seen what her fathers actions did to us, she said if she gets married she will at least fight for the relationship to work, rather than sticking her head in the sand to problems, and then running away from them.

        She still has a good relationship with her father despite all the hurt.

        Parents may mess up, but it doesn’t mean the children need to make the same mistakes.

    • Lois

      Wow! I am so sorry. Did I say I had a 15 year old daughter and a 20 year old son? I would like to offer you some advice. Don’t worry anymore about her getting hers someday. Start living your life happy with concerns for yourself. My 15 year old has no resentment towards the other woman, she has no respect for her. She has made up her mind that she will except her but is learning in life how to be. She will not be like this woman. Nothing like her. Pick and choose. Let this woman and every other woman make who you are. Its unfortunate but my kids have lost so much respect for their father. Its crazy how all he has to do is say I am sorry for what he put them through. Things would move foreward much quicker. He does not put them first at all. The OW now wife has ahold on him so tight he cannot even make plans. He is angry all the time and blames me. Curses at me. Don’t get it? She has been married 5 times he is 6. I don’t want her to leave him. Don’t want him banging on my door. I’m moving on. Has your Dad apologized? For not why he left but how. Or the lies? What’s up with your Mom? This worries me.

    • Alex

      We were not married, but engaged to be married. Lived together for 3 years. And luckly we had no kids. We had arguements and i was blamed for a lot of things that happened in his mind only. I was fighting with depression and to save the relationship too, while he wasa accusing me constantly i do not understand his emotional needs (because i cought him talking to other girls on Facebook). It was always my fault. One time he went out of town to visit his parents. His answers on the phone were odd to me and i knew something was not ok. I got angry…and i packed his bags. To be honest i wanted to see him fight for our relationship one time. OF COURSE he “then” decided to move out and “work on our relationship” because he felt insecure i packed his bags. 2 weeks we both searched for an appartment to suit his needs. And i felt so quilty….accusing him and making him feel unwanted. We still lived together in that time…still had intimate time. 2 days after the visit to his parents some money magicly appeared in his account from a woman. “just a friend” he says…. to help me with the situation….. i old her you threw me out (again to make me feel guilty). He moved out….for a whome month he called me with all kind of syupid questions about the household (detergent, grocery lists bla bla). So i said…ok …he needs help in the start. Came home few times, we had some romantic and intimate dates this time…just to find out after a while that from the day he left this house he had moved in with that OW who sent him the money, that he visited his parents with her, and that they were having an emotional affair for months. BUT i was the one guilty, pushing him to do this because i didn’t understand his needs (tjhere was always something more to his needs no matter what i did).
      After i found out he still texted me, meeting me, wanting to “work out” on us… 2 am love texts…. 3000 texts in 4 mnths and tens of hours of Facebook chat, plus some face to face dates. They left for a holiday together…. and that is when all hell broke loose. She started posting an all social networking proofs of their love and relationship ..since it had begun… photos of them, but common friends tagged so i could see them…. he did that too. When they came back i put a stop to his calling and lies.

      The things is now i know he was blaming me just to hide his affair, but ..i know it in my head, still can’t get over it. And i do not understand this need of rubbing it to my face.
      I gained a lot of weight during my depression and i also lost a lot of it since this is happening (july). My self confidence is on teh rocks and nothing i do seems to work. I just can’t get over the feeling that i want to hang them somewhere, skin them alive and let them to dry or be eaten alive by crows

      And i can’t seem to find the strenght to pull myself together.
      She had a previous relationship with a married man …She claims she was hurt because she didn’t know for 6 monts (i call BS on that because she was living in a rather small town and when you start dating someone …you gotta be somewhat dumb not to see signs of that in 6 months). They are perfect together….a man who cheats and a woman who’s accepting cheating. I might sound mean and unforgiving but i hope Karma will do her job on these 2.

      • Lois

        We were not married, but engaged to be married. Lived together for 3 years. And luckly we had no kids. We had arguements and i was blamed for a lot of things that happened in his mind only. I was fighting with depression and to save the relationship too, while he wasa accusing me constantly i do not understand his emotional needs (because i cought him talking to other girls on Facebook). It was always my fault. One time he went out of town to visit his parents. His answers on the phone were odd to me and i knew something was not ok. I got angry…and i packed his bags. To be honest i wanted to see him fight for our relationship one time. OF COURSE he “then” decided to move out and “work on our relationship” because he felt insecure i packed his bags. 2 weeks we both searched for an appartment to suit his needs. And i felt so quilty….accusing him and making him feel unwanted. We still lived together in that time…still had intimate time. 2 days after the visit to his pare
        nts some money magicly appeared in his account from a woman. “just a friend” he says…. to help me with the situation….. i old her you threw me out (again to make me feel guilty). He moved out….for a whome month he called me with all kind of syupid questions about the household (detergent, grocery lists bla bla). So i said…ok …he needs help in the start. Came home few times, we had some romantic and intimate dates this time…just to find out after a while that from the day he left this house he had moved in with that OW who sent him the money, that he visited his parents with her, and that they were having an emotional affair for months. BUT i was the one guilty, pushing him to do this because i didn’t understand his needs (tjhere was always something more to his needs no matter what i did).
        After i found out he still texted me, meeting me, wanting to “work out” on us… 2 am love texts…. 3000 texts in 4 mnths and tens of hours of Facebook chat, plus some face to face dates. They left for a holiday together…. and that is when all hell broke loose. She started posting an all social networking proofs of their love and relationship ..since it had begun… photos of them, but common friends tagged so i could see them…. he did that too. When they came back i put a stop to his calling and lies.

        The things is now i know he was blaming me just to hide his affair, but ..i know it in my head, still can’t get over it. And i do not understand this need of rubbing it to my face.
        I gained a lot of weight during my depression and i also lost a lot of it since this is happening (july). My self confidence is on teh rocks and nothing i do seems to work. I just can’t get over the feeling that i want to hang them somewhere, skin them alive and let them to dry or be eaten alive by crows

        And i can’t seem to find the strenght to pull myself together.
        She had a previous relationship with a married man …She claims she was hurt because she didn’t know for 6 monts (i call BS on that because she was living in a rather small town and when you start dating someone …you gotta be somewhat dumb not to see signs of that in 6 months). They are perfect together….a man who cheats and a woman who’s accepting cheating. I might sound mean and unforgiving but i hope Karma will do her job on these 2.

    • Liz

      Sorry it took awhile to get back to those who replied.
      Lois-My dad has never really apoligized he just said he should have done things differently. He claims he wanted a divorce and had to cheat on my mom becuase that was the only way she would leave him (to me however its bs, he should have had the decency to tell her he wanted a divorce). My mom is moving on but is still hurt she dosent date yet but i don’t blame her. Her and my father were married for 25 years and she trusted him and he betrayed her.
      ~Bottom line the spouse who cheats and the OW are both selfish people. They are only cheating for their own gain and their own needs while they hurt others in the process. People need to man up and tell their significant others that they want out of the relationship before it gets to that point. There is no excuse for cheating. What really makes me sick is when the OW really thinks that she is some special person. In my opinion if the OW ain’t special because clearly she couldn’t find a happy, confident single man. Instead these OW find men who are having problems in their relationships. They have to find unhappy people because probally those whom are happy with themselves can see the true personalities of these women.

      ~Also as a solace for all those affected by an other woman most men cheat with a woman who is less attractive than their spouse. In my dad’s case I can honestly say this is true. the woman my dad cheated with smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day, swears like a sailor, wears mens clothling, has a deep manlike voice, and looks 10 years older than my father despite being 10 years younger than him, and has a very “rough” appearance. Most of my friends describe her as an old bar whore. (I’m am being 100% honest in my description it sounds absurd however it is the truth and it baffles me to this day what my father saw in her) She was complete opposite of my mother. So hence the above description these woman are truely despereate and have to latch on to whatever they can find. I think some of them try to make the man feel sorry for them. Especailly if the man is not happy with his wife, these woman are so desperate for affection that they use this to their advantage, they pretend to be sweet and they all have some sort of sob backstory in order to gain the mans attention.

      • Rachel

        You are 100% right on all of your descriptions .
        So sorry you are going thru this terrible ordeal.
        Stay strong.

    • Sandra

      This is the first itme I wrote on columns such as this. I have been married for 3 yrs..but my husband decided he doesn’t want us to continue and has asked me to let him go just over a moth ago via email. You see, he works overseas and will be gone months at a time..
      I know the distance will always give people the chance to not be faithful but he was the who really chose to work abroad rather than just stay with me and make us work.. I live in a country where there is no divorce. Anybody who would read his letter will find it very selfish as it is full of “HIM and HIS NEEDS”. We both married rather late..I in my late 30s and him in his mid40s..we don’t have kids yet but we tried for months with low success.

      I know his email PW then and 4mos prior to his goodbye letter, I found out that he got interested with a female co-worker and they regularly exchanged msgs. I thought of it nothing at first bcos my H is a really friendly guy and has the tendency to email and chat with people. But this Sept. I read intimate msgs bet.the OW (21y.o) and my H (49) about being in hotels and places tog. My heart sank..I couldn’t eat, sleep…lost 20lbs and would have occasional migraines.. I found out, too that they have been intimately messaging ea other thru Skype..I decided to delete my account so as to stop seeing them and help myself to heal…

      I am presently taking counseling from our local church and have been active in reading the Word. I don’t have any siblings and my parents are both very old (80s)…so you can imagine my sheltered life.. I only wanted to have a simple life..a loving home..a family…I don’t want to grow old alone… I’m taking ea day at a time but it’s not an easy journey… I miss feeling ‘normal’ again…and I feel so lonely…

      • Doug

        Sandra, I’m so sorry to hear about what you have experienced and of your husband’s desire to end your marriage. Continue to be good to yourself and stick with your counseling. It is not an easy journey but you can find happiness again.

      • Lois

        Wow! It just never changes. Men, selfish uncaring. Inconsiderate. What amazes me is that there is no honesty, no compassion for someone who they said I love you to. Why can’t they just say we need to work something out this is not what we signed up for. Lets get help. No they have to cheat and hurt, not put themselves in our place. Its selfish! Just know, it will happen to them. I know this is not comforting right now but believe me karma is a bitch! Do this, I am currently working on it as well, send yourself love, you will be fine with time. Its hard to imagine, believe me. But right now, it is what needs to take place. He is not worth it. Someone told me more than once,he is taking up space in your heart and soul rent free. Lets not allow it anymore. You are young, you have no time to waste! Live, find happiness.

    • Ann

      In my case the OW has my two daughters poisoned thinking I was horrible to my ex husband and thank God for her she saved him. I hate them both for what they have done to my marriage and to the lies and poison they tell my girls. I know it’s wrong but I wish the other woman dead every day.

      • Sandra

        Ann..I’m so sorry to hear about what the OW has been doing to your girls. It only goes to show how selfish and untrustworthy these women are. They need to tell all sorts of lies only to appear good and gain favor from other people and worst even lying to children!

        I believe in the Law of Sowing and Reaping.. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life”… (Galatians 6:7-8).

        Try and focus more on yourself and daughters…

        Things aren’t always what they seem. They may appear to be “happy” now BUT…Whatever injustice and evil these people (OW/OM/even OUR OWN SPOUSES) did to you and to ALL the betrayed Hs/Ws here… THEY will in turn REAP what they Sowed..MORE than they Sowed…LATER than they Sowed.

    • Jorge

      I am 40, my wife is 42. We have 5 year old twins, 10, 14 and 21. My grandaughter us 10 months old. We would if celebrated her 1st birthday and our anniversary together.

    • Sandra

      Thanks Doug and Lois. The hardest part would be the early dawns when you wake up that hurts the most and reality hits you like being run over by a bus…it’s during these times when you realize…he’s really gone…

      I’ve been alone all my life and I’m tired of it…but I’m still trying to enjoy my own company whether it be watching tv or listening to my music while driving…

      It’s only about over a month since DDay and it comes in like waves…one time I feel ok, the next time I just want to die and disappear.. I think I’m still in denial..there are times I feel angry but I know it’s not full blown hate but more of “angry-hurt”…

      Jorge..we are almost the same age but I’m afraid I won’t be able to relate much since we didn’t have kids and I’m sure it would have been much harder if we had..although I must say, I wish I had even one child who I can love and be my inspiration to go on and be better… But then again, God has good reasons…

      • jorge

        all situations are different but thanks to my wife and the fact that she gas gone out of her way to continue hurting me , it is becoming easier to continue without her. now, I’m not saying that i don’t love her or that I’ve stopped crying for her but it doesn’t happen as often as before. i also keep reminding myself that the woman who was my wife and the mother of my children stopped existing 4 months ago. that person now only lives in my heart and in my memories. keep yourself busy, go out, learn to live with your singleness. i also have a great Christian counselor and i also found a divorce care, a divorce recovery group. i know you don’t have children and in a way that is a blessing. my children have to live with the fact that they don’t have a mommy and a daddy to do things with together, as a family. they will never again see all of us together opening presents for christmas, cutting a turkey, celebrating mothers day or fathers day. the smallest of things will never be the same, like jumping in between both of us after a bad dream. they will never again know what a family unit is and no matter if we remarry it will never be the same.

    • chris

      As an betrayed husband whose exwife now lives with (over 2 years, about 4 more during our marriage), but is not married to, her affair partner I just want to say a few things (I have 50/50 custody of our three kids, handled the divorce amicably, and take the high road at every turn):

      1) This article is not accurate in many cases. I don’t know what percent of the cases where this article is accurate, but it is far less than 100%.

      2) This article represents the ‘we need to think justice is done/kharma exists/people are held accountable for their actions’ writers and readers who need comfort.

      When the grieving read articles like this, it helps us believe things will be ok, that there is order in the world, and life is fair. Things will be okay, but it has nothing to do with what happens to the people who have wronged you. There is order in the world, but it doesn’t match the order that we crave/need/want. Life is fair, but not in the ways that we need it to be.

      My ex wife lacks the capacity to process what happened (long term affair, lying, cheating, brainwashing, gaslighting, blameshifting, etc.) because of SELF PRESERVATION. She can, and will, maintain a world where she did nothing wrong, it was all my fault, and the life she leads provides her happiness and is perfect. She can maintain that belief and, therefore, it is reality and is true. None of the authors claims have any relevance in that world. I think people underestimate the power of creating our own realities when facing the alternative requires pain/effort/work/growth as it does when facing the repercussions of an affair destroying a family. I believe a great percentage of infidelity based divorces will into the same category as my ex wife.

      And the funny thing is, except for MY inability to live in the world she has carved out for herself, our coparenting is excellent. If I could fully ‘get over it’ and fully ‘move on’ (I am doing very well but still struggle) all would, indeed, be well.

      I truly believe that articles such as this only perpetuate the false hope for accountability and closure that simply does not often exist. I see these articles as doing more damage than good, in the long run. I appreciate that it is helpful to consider that not all affairs end well, but to suggest that wrongdoing ultimately is resolved is misleading, outdated, and simply obnoxious. I am sorry if my opinion offends people or bursts anyone’s bubble.

      • Rosey

        Hi Chris,
        My situation sounds similar to yours and I agree with all your comments but one. I don’t believe that these types of forums are damaging. You correctly identified that they create hope, a false hope, but hope nonetheless. Hope and faith have helped many people survive their darkest moments, and I remain unconvinced that false hope is any less useful than realistic hope to get through a crisis.
        Two years on, and I struggle with issues of residual pain and feelings of betrayal and grief. However, I will be happy and already am the majority of time. Not because my ex will ‘get what’s coming to him’, but because I will fight for my own and my children’s happiness. I will attain sufficient closure to embrace life and live it to its fullest.

      • Angel

        I agree with you, Chris.

        Unfortunately, your words hit the reality button.

        My fiancé(of a fifteen year relationship) left me and my children without a backwards glance.

        He was our hero.

        We were wrong.

        He is a coward-and the smallest of men.

        Three weeks later my sister in law, my brother’s wife-one of my best friends, left my brother. He informed me that he thought ‘they’ were together.

        I didn’t believe him til we caught them ourselves. Once we knew-we turned our backs on them.

        My ex is with my brothers wife-raising his 2 nephews. It will be two years in September. I lost everything I had ever worked for. House, business-everything.

        He has made no contact with me or the children he raised.

        They live in a world where they think they deserve to be together and both myself and my brother were monsters if you believe the whispers.

        This helps them justify their actions, I guess.

        But, I know who I am-I know how I loved them both. I can look in the mirror without guilt every day and I wonder if they can-but I know deep down that they just don’t see what they have done to people who once loved them so deeply.

        My children, my amazing three young adults and I are doing ok now. We are still a family, without him.

        But I will never forget-

        The pain was past any word I can give it.

        I do not trust the word ‘love’. I just don’t trust at all really.

        I have not contacted him-he just wants what’s left of the measly money that remains under lockdown until a settlement of debt is reached.

        My lawyer says he and she have a God complex-they crush people and move on selfishly without a seconds thought and then want all the cash after the fallout to pay for their newly deserved life together. Shame the cash left is mostly going to being paying off debts. I am starting again at 48. I feel used. Lied to.
        He once said not long before he left that if something were to happen to me he would become a hermit.

        My ex likes other men’s’ wives, children and most of all, their money.

        My brother is doing great though-he met a kind woman who surprisingly I adore, a fine step up from this families end….it is a good love to witness-and I’m happy for him.

        I concentrate on my new job and see my children as much as I can-the only karmic fallout seems to have come my way really. It’s been a long hard road while they project a life of deserved bliss.

        Only when they meet their maker will these two see the destruction of pain they have caused.

        In between this, I simply try to get on a day at a time- they are dead to my family.

    • Paula

      chris, I think you make a wonderful point. I agree 100%. Karma, etc, whilst nice little pipe dreams, do not really exist. Yes, sometimes bad things happen to those who deliberately hurt others, and sometimes bad things happen to good people, sometimes good things happen to cheaters, and sometimes good things happen to good people. Life has a great deal of randomness. The person who was supposed to be one of my oldest friends, who knowingly and deliberately caused me great distress and pain, will NEVER know what that pain feels like, as she cannot feel anything deeply. The father of my children knows all to well what he did, and is very remorseful and has been incredibly supportive, but it cannot undo what he did, sadly. You just have to do as you have, and live the best life for you, and your children. What happens/doesn’t happen to the cheaters is irrelevant – no matter how much we will bad stuff to happen to them, lol. I really like your point.

    • Jim

      Chris is so spot on. We were married 26 years, I discovered she was having an affair that had been going on for 5 years. I had my suspicions ,but her response was he was just a good friend, I nailed her with a DNA test and she finally came clean. Two families were destroyed, he had been married for 40 years to his high school sweetheart. She has never shown any remorse and lives a fantastic life, I on the other hand have just declared bankruptcy and am fighting for everything I have, not a good place to be at 65 years old. Wishing her ill will does no one any good, it is what it is, sometimes you just have to accept the fact you got wronged, and no one really gives a Damn.

      • blueskyabove

        Do you “give a Damn”, Jim? If so, find some way to turn it around. Do this for you.

        • Jim

          Not really anymore.

    • blueskyabove


      Even though it has been a long time for me since D-Day, and I and my H have fully recovered, I still, STILL feel your pain. Is there ANY possibility of reconciliation, or has your wife totally and irrevocally left the marriage? Have either of you initiated divorce proceedings? I only ask because I am trying to judge your situation. Regardless of what it may look like there are lots of good things that could still happen in your life…either with or without her in it. I know this can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but I would like for you to just consider the possibility that this could happen…nothing more…just consider it.

      • Jim

        We have been divorced for 2 years. We have spoken once in that time, I have resolved the fact it is over, just so difficult to believe she would do that to me. Very sad that our family unit is no more and never will be again. The betrayal is shattering.

    • Gizfield

      Jim, all I csn say is that some people are not what they **present** themselves to be, no matter how long youve known them. The true person eventually comes out. And no, people like your ex rarely give a damn about the damage they cause. It’s all about them !!

    • Rachel

      Boy giz, that is so true. Some people are not what they present . I think that has to be the most painful to swallow. An empty promise.
      Jim, I understand how you feel about the family unit. It hurts so much.
      Who have these people become? The betrayal makes my heart ache.
      But, I am not benifitting myself wallowing in this pain.
      Sometimes when my ex husband enters my mind I have to force him to leave it just as he left me. Keeping busy helps.

    • Sandra

      I found a lot of the talk about ‘moving on’ very unhelpful as it was always tinged with the suggestion that I wasn’t trying hard enough, which just added to the guilt that I felt that somehow the breakdown of my marriage was all my fault..and now I was failing at getting over it! You don’t just “move on” – your spouse and your marriage was part of your life – and I am sure for a long time a very positive part of your life..

      A friend once told me that TIME really is the biggest healer – it takes as long as it takes and there’s no “right” amount of time to spend grieving, but slowly you start to find yourself less hurt and angry about what happened.

      I believe we all need to give ourselves time and space to find a new way of living that no longer include our spouses in the way it did before.. We need to be kind to ourselves..

      I would agree with the advice to find someone to talk to – whether from any local church, friends or professional help – and do as much as you can to draw yourself out of your isolation so that you can stop agonising over your spouse and the OW/OM. Slowly, over time – and it will take time – by God’s Grace, the world will not look so bleak…

      I do terribly miss my husband but I also want to believe that YOU don’t need another person to justify YOUR existence.

      You are a fantastic person in your own right!!

    • Judy

      First, I am a Christian. I have been through the trenches and valley’s. I am slowly after five years climbing back out. There are reasons…..
      I was married for 22 years, the last six months my ex-H, met the OW at work. Everybody in his unit, USAF/AGR, was doing it, like a big orgie! We would hear the stories and be disgusted, obviously not.
      The last three months was abusive for me. He got a new Blackberry from work, have my 20 year old daughter his new one. He forgot to erase it all! Their were emails, and pics! My poor little girl had to see it all! He then told me, “I want a divorce.” I would punt to nothing, and I was worthless!” This was before I knew about the blackberry.
      My daughter, God Bless her, took matters into her own hands and had our Pastor, Associate Pastor, friends, etc, intervene. NOTHING! Stone Cold! Denied the Affair, because he could of gotten Article 15 in the Military. Go backwards…. This OW, as we call her, befriended my daughter and I. She invited our family to her husband and her house. They were married by the JP, now having a big wedding down in LA. My daughter had recently become engaged, so this OW, offered my daughter her dress, utensils, etc.. My daughter was so excited! FAST FOWARD… CRUSHED, BETRAYED.. You name it….
      I went through hell but with Christ I became STRONGER! I was harassed daily by them both. Fast Forward… My daughter flew to CA married her Marine, he deployed. FAST Forward… He came back, we had the big wedding, her father was not present. She became pregnant, first grandchild, life was AMAZING, God is GOOD! SIL becomes Deputy in our County, I still being harassed, even though ex by now and OW have moved away. The unit they were in wanted them gone! Ex was caught stealing from Non Commisioned officer. My ex is an Officer, so is OW.
      Anyways, daughter announces second Pregnancy, life is great, active again in church, going to counseling, working like crazy. And then, my AMAZING GOD LOVING SIL was murdered! My heart breaks everyday! My daughter went into labor that night and naturally, she wanted her, “Daddy!” I called, he came, and had the wedding band on. A flood of emotions were hitting me….
      I prayed and asked The Lord for, “Grace.” I had asked the doctors to allow him to be in the delivery room with us, he was… “GRACE!” FORGIVE Him. It’s not about me Lord, it’s about YOU!
      He was able to witness the birth of our second grandchild. God is good!
      And then.. The games began again…. The OW was harassing my daughter and he was allowing it. Ow wanted to be at the funeral, at the burial, at the trial, etc… It went on…
      He backed her up, while my grieving lil girl was a mess! I would receive calls again. Finally, last year I changed my number.
      Finally, this year I am able to work on me… I am going to Divorcecare, after attending Griefshare 3 x’s. I am also seeing a counselor, 5 th one. I want to heal. I do want to completely Forgive, and for my grandchildren to know their grandfather, i am so afraid of the harassment and abuse! My daughter and I are very close, as well as my grandchildren. I see the pain in her eye’s. and yes, she is a STRONG BELIEVER as well, and goes to counseling herself.

    • Judy

      I wanted to add that my ex fooled so many in the church, at work. When it came time to re-appear at the funeral he asked for forgiveness from many. It did not last long. What I will say, “The Lord is the only one that KNOWS someone’s heart.” Who am I to judge, I can’t, I am a sinner just like him, SAVED by GRACE! I would be dead today if it were not for my Faith in Jesus! There is HOPE Y’all!

    • Rita

      I am a betrayed wife and soon to be divorced, I can barely put in words how it made me feel to learn afterwards that my children have to be around the person who helped destroy the relationship that I so honored I took marriage seriously I did not plan on seeing my husband with another woman, he could not give any explanation as to why he destroyed our happy family except (I wanted to have my cake and eat it too) which was pathetic to me I refused and still to this day 6 years of separation have had a conversation with him I have nothing to say to him at all oh he has tried numerous times to buddy up to me but I do not need him as a friend or do I want to be friendly with him. My children are old enough thank God to speak and spend time with him the oldest ages 22 and 24 barely have any contact with him because they cannot stand the site of the OW my 14 year old still spend weekends with him and does not seem to crave his attention and often says he feels sorry for his father, I do not speak bad of him I just feel there is no need to communicate with him the pain he caused me and the children was enough and I don’t ever want to give him the opportunity to disregard my love or feeling again to be cordial to him would be like giving someone a loaded gun to shot me after they have already shot me already. I wish for him to just avoid me altogether that would make my life even more wonderful. As for her she does not matter she is a catfish, a bottom feeder the dirt I walk on.

    • Bentouttashape

      My wife at the time did the whole thing. Started working out, keeping cellphone away, answering calls in the bathroom. She was definitely seeing someone, but I do not know if she slept with them. When confronted she parlayed into a “I don’t love you anymore” stance, and we divorced. We have a 12 year old daughter. The exwife shortly moved her affair partner into the marital home, and married him within 2 years of the divorce.
      I also have 50/50, and since the other man doesn’t work, he gets to spend the summer days with my daughter, taking her to the pool and doing fun things. This, while I sit at work and cope with being a part time dad, part time influence, and scrounging for quality time.
      The ex justified herself, and relies fully on the attitude that she fell out of love with me.
      This concept of “figuring out what you did to help destroy your marriage” is garbage. I was not abusive, not a cheater, held a steady job, was a loving, affectionate husband and Dad, that helped around the house a lot more than most of the husbands of friends she has… but none of that mattered.
      2 years and a few months later, and I still am realizing and discovering new ways in which this whole divorce has negatively affected me. Just as soon as you think you have reached a point of forgiveness, or at least, the pain has subsided and you are dealing with it okay, something new reveals itself, as an consequence of their cheating and destroying your marriage.. and you are merely left to cope with the fallout.
      Now I get to share my daughter with the man that helped destroy my marriage. He doesn’t work, so he gets to spend summer days with her. Nothing in my life prepared me for such injustice and sense of loss. To attempt to live, and have a relationship with your kid where these feelings are not affecting that relationship is very difficult. So far, my ex is having a grand life, new car, pays her new husband’s way for everything, and all I can do is just accept my drastically reduced time with my daughter involved in her life.
      I do not still “love” my ex wife. After awhile you learn to carve that consideration out of your mind, but be wary of resentment taking its place. I haven’t been able to prevent that, and I hate that. More powerlessness. More consequences to cope with. The “Divorce” is far from the end of things…

    • Gizfield

      Sarah, I haven’t seen Anita on here in a very long time.probably a couple of years. She was very convinced that her opinions were the right ones, and she repeated them often. I do think her intentions were good and thats all I gonna say.

    • gizfield

      Angel, that is a terrible story. Sorry you went through that. Definitely not normal behavior. Sounds like you are dealing with a couple of psychopaths. Sociopaths, at the least. They are probably “soulmates” but not in a good way. Soulless mates…

    • gizfield

      There is an excellent ebook I’m going to reccomend called Psychopath Free by Peace. $2.99 for Kindle. Explains how these horrible creatures operate. There is also a website of the same name with a lot of the info.

    • Gizfield

      There is one caution to reading about psychopaths/sociopaths. You will suddenly begin to realize that everyone you know, yourself included, lol, might be a psychopath or sociopath. Almost every cheater seems to act like one. And most betrayed spouses seem to as well, at least sometimes. Now, it may be true about a lot of cheaters, from what I’ve seen on here but most betrayed spouses are just showing a natural reaction to an unnatural situation. They say in mental illnesses or personality disorders, if you think you have it, you probably don’t.

    • Jackie

      We had a good relationship (our 2nd marriage, both treated badly be exes who lied and cheated). We had a child each and had our own. happy for 18 years then a sudden change. Emotionally withdrawn, cold one minute then normal the next. Child still at home noticed the change in his behavior towards everyone. He wouldn’t talk to me but when he had to he kept blaming me for ridiculous things like using the tumble dryer too often. Then he started trying to manipulate my daughters (didn’t work!). I got angry and went through his things and found a pathetic 6 page (Mills and Boon style) love letter written by a married woman while on holiday with her husband! It was very explicit and the woman came across as unstable. I told him to leave. His behavior got worse. The OW’s husband told me that stuff she had written to my ex in that letter wasn’t true. All his family dropped us immediately. ….either out of convenience to accept the ow or I wonder what lies he has told them?

      They met and conducted their affair while volunteering for a charity.

      I have moved on and made a life for myself, my 2 daughters have no contact but my stepson meets up with his dad and has been gradually more distant towards us.

      My girls have had health problems which can be hard to deal with on my own but I do my best.

      However we discovered in May that ex and ow married a year ago and that stepson went to the wedding and kept it a secret from the girls.

      I no longer care about ex and ow, they deserve each other but I feel betrayed again by stepson going to the wedding and being deceitful about it. I feel that he has made a public show of acceptance of how we have been treated. I have asked him to come and have a chat with me and he agreed but he hasn’t done so.

      It’s almost like a kind of ptsd because all the hurt resurfaces!

      It has caused problems between stepson and his sisters too. I never imagined the repurcussions between the kids.

      When does all this end?


    • Stella

      Its been 8 years and a half years since I discovered my husbands affair after we had been together for 23 years. He has never admitted how long this was going on. He lied upon lie about it. He is married to the home-wrecker and I’ve heard that her eldest daughter despises her (join the club!) my daughter will be getting married in a month’s time and the home wrecker was not invited to attend, he was outraged and feels that my daughter how no right to deny the bitch an invite! Really? How would anyone with any sense of shame even want to be involved in a FAMILY wedding? A family that she tried to destroy by throwing herself at a man who was already married? You are a whore. The worst lie my then husband told me was that his whore and her husband were the best of friends “for the children” this was a lie her husband was distraught as was I. I just don’t understand how anyone can be In a family with daughters who look up to him, and just betray that trust so utterly. I’m recovering, finally but am unable to trust and live alone. I wish them both a hell on Earth, with guilt ever after. they deserve nothing else.

    • Gizfield

      I wish more cheaters were exposed, just for the simple reason that people could see how they really are. I think a lot of adultery is covered up, and the new adulterous couple forms shortly thereafter, with no real consequences. For example, my own brother left his marriage in September and was engaged no later than October. No hanky panky, there, right? But don’t say anything, cause he will get mad. And hit you with his Bible…

      Anyway, my point is that new cheater spouses totally EXPECT to be treated like they are blameless and did nothing wrong. The only active cheater couple I know right now is getting married tomorrow. The guy is one of my friend’s son that I have known since he was about fifteen. I went to his first wedding nine years ago. He cheated three years ago and he and the cocheater have a two year old son now. My friends son doesn’t act too proud, but the bridezilla just prances around like she won the Nobel Prize. No remorse, shame, nothing. Luckily, I have other plans tomorrow. I’m not usually “ugly” but I hope the karma bus makes a stop and they resume their cheating ways after “the mistress becomes the wife”.

      • forcryin'outloud

        A very close friend’s ex married his AP. On social media she (AP) always looks like sunshine’s coming out her butt. He on the other hand always looks exhausted and old. Most of the pics are of her beaming at him like he’s a god of some sort and him staring at the camera like his stoned.
        This is his 5th affair – 2 on his first wife, one on an AP and then two on my friend, the last AP is now his wife. Although he’s probably cheated on her too. I’m sure she thinks she is “the one” who can meet all his needs, broken parts, blah, blah, blah.

    • Gizfield

      Yeah, tell me the OW aren’t delusional fruitloops. Lol, they know the guy is a liar and a cheater, and ALWAYS has been with them, and they still believe the BS. I just wonder how on earth my h could have convinced himself he could ever have a normal relationship with a whore?? That’s the karma, in my book.

      • Strengthrequired

        Giz, I think we are all trying to figure that one out. I look at my h at times and can’t help and think ” wtf were you thinking? “. They must like the crazy train.

        Fcol, giz, it’s funny how the ow can prance around like they won the jackpot, yet do you notice the bs who get to keep their marriage? We maybe happy, maybe more relieved we saved our families, but you won’t catch us prancing around like we won jackpot. I don’t even think we get a chance to celebrate.. We are all just too exhausted emotionally and physically, and still confused on wtf just happened.

    • Otherwomanaswell

      OK…here goes…and I expect the bashing to occur. I am the OW who married the cheating spouse. It has been 7 years a baby later. I started googling forgiveness for being the other woman. This woman who wrote this article is pretty accurate with a lot of what she says and I , unfortunately, did not have the opportunity to read it before I chose this path. I always had a little crush on the CS. I admit to being a whore and a slut and all of the other names his and her family has called me. He left her and their children to be with me. I know you all may not believe me and that’s ok but here is the truth….just like the author said and just like some of you said, the people who have true remorse NEVER EVER forgive themselves and cry more and more as the years go on. I cried for the betrayed wife because she didn’t EVER IN A MILLION YEARS deserve for me and this man to rip their family apart. I cried for the children because they showed me so much love and I pushed them away due to my resentment. Although they still say they “love” me, I don’t truly feel it. They are quite amazing little ones. Very polite and respectful towards me. We fortunately waited a year after the separation for them to meet me. The oldest child found out after meeting me about the affair. Her mother told her that she forgave dad and so therefore the daughter agreed to forgive dad as well and still love me. It took a lot of therapy for me to even be amongst children. I never let them see it, but I am sure they had felt it. The ex wife never let us see her sweat. My husband always acted out to her and she just went on her merry way. I got angry….with myself! I couldn’t BELIEVE this woman was cheated on! she seemed amazing to me. He just wasn’t in love. But he never gave her the chance to know this and never gave her a chance to save her marriage or both bow out gracefully. HE cheated HER out of 15 years of what could of been the best years of her life with someone else!!! For all of this I get more guilt and more anger. I ask to see the kids more then he does. I talk to the ex and we decide everything together when it comes to the kids. I apologized to her and she graciously responded “No need to. It was a HUGE weight lifted off of my shoulders and I am happier now.” Wow…SO I see where this author’s words are coming from. I get it. My self worth has depreciated. I cry most nights…I even asked him to go back to her twice, although I am in love with him. We sat here and cried together one night because I can’t keep living my life like this. I can’t feel guilt everyday. YES we are in love and no, he would never cheat on me and believe me, I know this. He said he married her because she was a good girl and he was ready to settle down and have children. Great reason to marry someone. I remember sitting at a recital for one of the kids and looking over at the ex and all of this anger building up in me as I looked over at him and thinking “wow, you are a scumbag for leaving her and your family”. UGH! I struggle EVERY day. Although I love him to death , I want to love ME more. Let the insults begin….

      • Liz

        Dear otherwomanaswell:

        Please forgive yourself. It was their relationship and he destroyed it not you. Sadly, most people marry for many reasons other than love. Until we live in a world ruled by love, these train wrecks will continue to happen. You are a good stepmother, you have a husband that loves you. Get on with the best of your life ❤️

    • Strengthrequired

      Otherwomanaswell, I won’t insult you, I think you are making yourself suffer. If you feel all this guilt, if you feel this bad, why do you stay? I know you love him, but you don’t seem to want to be happy in your marriage, because of the way it started.
      Sorry but I am just curious as to why you would stay when clearly you hold so much regret, and are feeling so terrible about yourself.

      • Otherwomanaswell

        I’m still in love and we have a child and I guess I just couldn’t imagine my life without him. He feels the same. It’s crazy how long it has been but yet I continue to punish myself. I have repented, begged God for forgiveness with tears in my eyes….admitted to the oldest child that it was VERY wrong what we did and NO one deserves that. I have done everything I can possibly do to get it all out there. I had a friend tell me that forgiveness IS freedom. I need to come to terms with how to get that forgiveness. Church, prayer groups, more therapy? I have already apologized and still I hold on. I don’t understand how anyone can parade around and act like they have won a “prize” when they are the OW/OM.

        • Otherwomanaswell

          And of course, I am not looking for sympathy. I made my bed so I therefore lay in it. I guess I just kinda understand where the author is coming from. Not on all accounts but that we as the OM/OW with regret will feel it and will continue to feel it.

          • Otherwomanaswell

            And I should point out that it’s mostly on the weekends and nights we have them. When we don’t have the kids in our home I am not hit with the reality and the truth. It’s like it goes to a place that I don’t want to visit but as soon as the ex wife pulls up and they pile out my anxiety kicks, I get nervous, I sweat…I just feel like he should be back with them full time, whether the ex and him worked things out or not. I really have no idea why. Maybe It’s due to me having a hard time with multiple kids around since I was never a kid person and therefore I feel bad. Or when they get sad and cry that they miss mom and want to go home…I feel bad for them and for their dad who they love for sure but prefer to be with their mom.

            • Strengthrequired

              Do you think maybe since you have a child now with him, that you couldn’t imagine your family being ripped apart by someone who at the time didn’t care about you or your child/children but themselves. I know my h ow didn’t care whether my children lost their dad or not full time, she was looking out for herself and that of being able to give her children that stable life of having a man look after them. She divorced her husband and decided it was so hard to be on her own and keep up the life style she was accustomed to, so she felt it was a good idea to go after my husband, who btw was in a midlife depression, she came into my home, wanted to get to know my children, who one at the time was only a year old, still a baby, and within a few weeks managed to work her way into my husbands head. You know, ohh poor me, how am I going to support my children, where am I going to live, blah blah blah, knowing my husband would feel sorry for her. Eventually she worked on trying to get my husband to believe I was no good, didn’t care or love him, and that she is so much better in every way. He became sucked in. It took a year for him to truly wake up and break it off with her. Our children suffered and I suffered, and she did not care. She actually went to the extent of telling my husband so she could hold onto him, that she would raise my children with him, if the bad wife didnt want them.
              i am not saying that you are not a bad person, you found your conscience, but my h ow has no conscience, she just wanted someone to pay for her and her children so she didn’t have to. This person I have dealt with is not the same type of person you sound to be. She really didn’t care about who was hurt in her crusade to break my marriage and family.
              I just truly hope that you don’t face some ow one day that decides to set her sights on your husband, because let’s face it, marriages take work, and after a long time things become comfortable, life gets in the way, depression can hit anyone, due to work, midlife, debt, whatever it is, and it affects people differently, yet it is then that you need to keep your eyes open. People become more vulnerable to others attention. I believed my husband would never do to me, what he did, yet as I said midlife and depression happened, and that became her way in.
              So please don’t think it won’t happen, because you just never know. Keep your eyes open. Don’t forget we all get older…

            • Strengthrequired

              What I should say, is she was separated from her husband, she hadn’t divorced but was going through the process once she figured she had my husband.

            • Otherwomanaswell

              You to me are an amazing strong person. I like to think the same of myself. I don’t NEED him in retrospect. I make all the money and he pays out his ass to his ex for their kids, as he should. I even send her extra checks monthly since I am the one who handles the money and sick of their back and forth fighting over money. I actually feel stronger when he works late or falls asleep early. I feel more in control of my world, if that makes sense. I don’t get it and don’t understand it because I love him so much. It’s late and I am tired but want to finish this chat with you tomorrow. THANK YOU for being open minded. I need that right now….

            • Strengthrequired

              Otherwomanaswell, I have a feeling that, although you love him, your feelings of guilt has affected you more than you realise. People may say to you that you deserve it, it’s about time, so you should feel this, etc. the truth is, if you were not human who had a heart you would not feel these things. Yes you did cheat with this man on his wife, that my dear, was wrong, and I think maybe you felt it was wrong at the time, but you wanted to bury those feelings deep within yourself, because you did fall inlove with your now husband. I think that may be why after so many years, you have in ways become to know the exw and the children and you see the exw was painted differently to what she really is.
              I have to say, his exw is a pretty incredible person to have been able to do the communicating with you, I never wanted my children to end up having to have a life with my h ow. It was killing me within just knowing that there was a possibility that it could have turned that way.
              That is where my strength came into it, I worked hard on keeping my family together, even through all the ow tricks she had up her sleeve every two weeks or so. I mean there was always something she tried to do, to keep my h and I apart.
              If she did end up with my h, I doubt I would have been so forgiving. You are lucky, which is why you feel worse about this now.
              I can see just how much, how you and your h came to be, really is affecting you. Have a good night sleep, chat tomorrow.

            • Strengthrequired

              Your welcome too, I do think you need to start forgiving yourself now. By what you said, the exw has moved on, and is probably quite happy with her new life, and is maybe holding no more bad feelings towards you,
              Has the exw remarried?

            • sammy

              It seems you know in your heart you shouldn’t be with this man. You love him but that love could be an addiction to him rather than a deep love which should be based on respect. It’s pretty clear that you love the way he treats you (his sacrificing to be with you), but you don’t respect him as a person with character. I took up meditation, initially to free myself of resentment, but it also gave me such clarity in my life. I “loved” my husband, but I really didn’t respect him, not just because he abandoned me and the kids, but of what I observed through the years. He was a fraud in many respects. Yet I had such difficulty separating from him because I loved him…I thought. When I got clarity, I saw that I was addicted to an illusion in some sense…the hope that he was not who he actually is. Your husband can’t go back to his ex-wife because she is not interested in that and has made a new life. She has moved on and you shouldn’t base your life path based on her anymore, but on what feels authentic to you. On the one hand, you have a child with this man so it makes sense to stay together. Yet, if you feel self-loathing for what happened in the past and relive it every time you see his and his ex’s children, it’s because you also feel loathing for his character…and you have to face this every day. I think you are a woman of conscience, and obviously capable to care for yourself (and actually feel better on your own), so you need to get clarity either with a therapist or listening to your own voice through meditation, journaling, etc. I was amazed at the absolute clarity I got in KNOWING I was better off without my spouse, even though I felt the life was being sucked out of me during the separation process. He is with his OW and I don’t know how it’s going with them. But he didn’t get a character transplant so she must know what she’s dealing with. It really is about cleaning up your life and feeling you are leading a “real” and authentic life. In spite of have financial problems now and my kids having been somewhat messed up, I feel like I am much better off…it’s an honest life…no covering up to present a pretty picture or pretending to the kids that their dad really does care…it just IS what it IS…no editorializing. It is a freeing.

            • Strengthrequired

              Ohh, and other womenswear, Thankyou for thinking of me as amazing, honestly I’m not, I just simply knew my h, and knew this man that was placed in front of me, a mere shadow of himself was not a well man. Living with him for such a long time, knowing deep down who he is, had me fight for my family, knowing my children would never be the same if I didn’t give it all I had to protect them and keep their family together, and for them not having to have the ow in our life apart of theirs was a huge driving factor, for me. My children needed me to fight for them, my h strangely enough needed me to fight for him too, because of the state of mind he was in, he was unable to do that himself at the time, he was not a strong man like I had always known him to be, and was quite a sad sorry sight to see him so weak. Looking back on it, it was quiet a shock on him, as well as me, that he went so down hill in such a short space of time.
              So for me, I just did what I had to, I wasn’t anything special, it was my duty to my family, and let me tell you, there were times where it was a very hard road to travel.

            • CovenantWife

              Hello Otherwomanaswell,

              I don’t know if you’re a believer but I do know why you are so guilt laden and that is because you are still committing adultery , it may be state sanctioned. But it’s adultery none the less.The bible says whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery and your ‘marriage’ is a farce. I think you sound like a very broken person who wants to do good, there is only one way to do that and that is to leave your marriage. You broke up the covenant marriage he had with his one flesh wife. Repent.
              I am praying for you

            • A Stander

              You’re likely not going to want to hear this–but you need to end this “marriage.” Marrying someone who’s divorced (and has a living spouse) is adultery.

              Perhaps that’s why you don’t seem to be at peace.

              What you need to do is end the relationship and tell him to go back to his covenant wife. As far as any children you have with him–if you’re familiar with the story of Abraham, consider his children with the covenant wife to be like Isaac, and any he had with you to be like Ishmael. And of course he’ll still have to support any children. It’s the same as if you had a child together without being “married.”

              My own husband is in a noncovenant marriage with the affair partner. God still considers me and my husband to be husband and wife. John the Baptist was beheaded because he dared tell Herod that it was unlawful for him to have married his brother Philip’s wife–and note that the Bible still refers to Herodias as PHILIP’S wife, even though Herod married her.

              I firmly believe that God will revive our marriage. The OW’s days with him are numbered. But I do not stalk, pursue, harass, or anything…I always try to take the high road. I will let God deal with them and count on Him to protect our child.

    • Scott

      This just happened to me a few weeks ago. My wife went on a lot of business trips – but over the last few months, started an affair – and gave the (loser) money and much else. The affair didn’t go on very long as they were caught right away by his wife.

      The other man has grown children, and my wife and I have two children (4 and 7).
      We are also very well off financially, but he’s poor and in debt. I make 100k, but my wife makes almost double – we have several houses.

      After I found out about the affair, I told everyone and showed them documents of the chats they had and other things as well. So, everyone knows – and my wife is all about appearances, so everyone is stunned and shocked. I told everyone because I am sort of a loner type – and I know I cannot bear such burdens alone. I cannot suffer in silence or I will go to dark places. So, I just got it all out there – this is where we are, and this is what’s coming – I’m admitting it. I don’t care if you view me as a loser.

      I filed for divorce immediately. I know that the other person isn’t going to life up to my wife’s expectations – he can’t possibly, esp since he has 3 grown children and has been married 3 times himself and makes less than I do! My wife hassles me about not making enough at 100k a year. I can’t live up to her expectations, and I’m a catch. No one can.

      My wife has a serious case of ‘the grass is greener’ and she knows it. She has promised to dump the guy, and I know she will do her best, but there must be consequences, and I don’t care if we lose everything in the process, because money is not important to me. It’s important to her, but not to me. I will spend it all and just live with my aging parents.

      My wife made a mistake. Her family has told her to knock off the nonsense and be with her family, and she is trying to do that. But I have already filed. She will be served.
      I want her to go with the other man. That would be fine. Leave us, and go. I told her I’d buy her a ticket and help her pack. She fumes when I say this.

      You see, I have confidence that everything they feel is a fantasy. I’ve seen all of this before – when I was in my 20s, I ruined 3 or 4 marriages as a single guy because I was lost and selfish. But I never stuck around! When I had a family, I stopped that and focused on my kids. I know all the damage that results. I know the affair partner relationship won’t work – if the guy was a CEO and very wealthy, it might – my wife loves wealth. But since he has nothing and my wife will lose much of what she accumulated for our family when we divorce, I know there’s going to be a serious reality coming. She will be fuming at what she’s losing and demanding he get out there and help her earn it back.
      My wife is the type to work 18 or 20 hours straight – and she demands the same from her partner. I couldn’t keep up much of the time and was called a loser
      Well, someone else can jump on that train. I’m glad to be off of it. Seriously.

      We will split the properties. My wife will end up paying me alimony and child support. I’ll start a new life.

      Yes, our marriage was a hassle. My wife herself is a hassle – very busy, very career oriented, and always busy doing stuff. She doesn’t clean house or anything. No man will really want that for very long. Even when we were happy early on, my wife always put work and success first. She can’t stand the idea of giving up our houses in a divorce. But she will.

      In the end, this is fine. I’m in my mid 40s. I’ll have several hundred thousand in assets. I will have freedom – we’ll split the kids. I can do what I want when I don’t have them. I don’t have to deal with all of her nonsense. And I think she’ll be happy too – she won’t have me ruining all of her fun anymore.
      I’ll keep it all posted

      • sammy

        My ex also went on a lot of business trips and led an outrageous double/triple life for years unbeknownst to me….”kept” women on different continents (lying to them too), hid money in a foreign account (using what should have been our kids’ college funds), lying, gaslighting. He thought he was so clever since he didn’t indulge on home turf. Someone who could do his for 20 years without much conscience is a narcissist/sociopath. I realize that now. What I have trouble reconciling is that he looked somewhat normal when he was home – neglectful of me and the kids, but didn’t drink, worked hard, etc….however bursts of anger would come out always directing any frustration as being my fault. It is emotional abuse. Scott, if your wife wants to come back, be very careful because her motivation may very well be to maintain her standard of living rather than sincerely being remorseful and wanting to have a life with you.

        • Scott

          Thank you very much. I am out. I was balking with my lawyer about serving papers, and she told me to call a therapist, so I did. My wife IS a narcissist. I knew that already, but I felt quite confident of that after talking it over. It’s all about her – she’ll spend hours staring at her LinkedIn profile, tweaking it here and there, to make it perfect.

          She isn’t remorseful. There was even other stuff that went on I found out about – with another old friend of hers. I mailed that to everyone too, and it looks like the other man saw it, and now he’s cautious of her. She’s mad at ME for ruining it with him. Just crazy.

          Yes – it’s just about power. My wife had the power and the freedom since I always took care of the kids. If I had had the freedom and the power, like your husband did, maybe I’d have done it. Affairs are addictive. The emotions are an integral part of reproduction – that’s why they’re in us to begin with. But I didn’t have the power – wasn’t interested – I was just into my kids. So I became the de facto victim. I understand the situation of the wife bringing up a family who gets sideswiped. Taking care of kids, teaching them, it’s work – but it makes you vulnerable and it doesn’t pay.

          I’m sorry for what happened to you, sammy. I used to laugh at that stuff until it happened to me. It hurts – like, as someone said, planting a bomb in the living room. That’s what it is. But I also think ‘this too shall pass’…It will pass. The pain wil. pass.

          One point I consider is: this wasn’t my choice.
          Our marriage sucked in a lot of ways because my wife is so cold, demanding, and impatient, but I didn’t cheat. I just focused on the local happenings and soldiered in.
          But I didn’t cheat. I didn’t cheat because I knew what would happen. Any fantasy I had of cheating always ended with the woman calling me at dinner or contacting my wife on facebook or showing up at my front door – what would I do. I’d seen it all before from the other side, and I knew better.

          She is going to learn the consequences. She is going to be humiliated beyond belief – culturally, this is going to ruin her day. No longer the woman who has everything – she’s the woman who’s now divorced and had an affair.
          My guess is, it will very quickly fizzle with the other person. Then she’ll be left fighting with me about divorce.

          That’s fine – I’ve got nothing better to do than battle. I don’t care, really what happens.

          One thing is – no matter how tough you are – you need support. Your main support in life ( your spouse) is now gone. You’re alone in this world, and it is very isolating by nature. I feel like all of us going through this are survivors of a wreck – it creates a bond.
          A real bond.

    • Lil

      I think the person who wrote this blog is writing from a personal experience and us bitter. Not all OW are as described here and not all not all second marriages that begin this way are disasters and not all children are destroyed in these cases. When I met my husband of 8 years, he was still married. He had a long list if marriage problems as his ex wife of then, 12 years, was a narcissist. If anyone has ever been married to or in a relationship with one, you wouldn’t be so quick to point the finger at my husband and say he’s a terrible person because he left the loveless, sexless marriage he was trapped in. He is actually a really good person and he didn’t want to cheat, so he became separated before we started our relationship. He also started to feel the guilt you all describe and even went back to his ex wife for a few months because of the kids, in their teens at the time. After nothing had changed and he couldn’t bear another day of it, he left and filed for divorce. Technically, he didn’t cheat unless you count being with me during his separated status, but the way I see it is, if you aren’t married to a person’s soul, you aren’t married at all. His kids adjusted well considering and eventually lived with us most of the time. They are now in their twenties, happy and are doing just fine. I think a few others said it here, don’t be so quick to judge others and assume that every situation ends like yours, I think that everyone deserves to be happy and if a marriage is miserable, get out. Sometimes it can be worse for kids if you stay unhappily married, because that, too, teaches them a false sense of what marriage is supposes to be like.

      • OHC

        I agree. This actually looks like it was written by a BS, not an OW who ended up with the AP. All of the phrases, etc are straight out of BS blogs. I know a few people who have ended up marrying APs and have been quite happy.

    • redrdr19

      I think I cam across this blog quoted several times while looking how to ease the pain of my divorce and personally I hope that my ex-wife and her affair partner fall apart in a flaming disaster. Personally, I am better off not being with her, but financially I still struggle. She does not. Her father died about two months before she told me she wanted a divorce. He left her about $500K so she is fine with money.

      Background is that I always valued the family unit over everything else. My family was more important to me than my career or my hobbies, etc. I had always wanted two little girls and then I had them and wanted to be there for them while they grew up. My ex-wife was all about proving herself worth to her father. She had to prove she was “smart” an “successful” and did everything she could to get ahead, including it seems several co-workers along the way.

      I knew she had affairs but could never prove it. I couldn’t really follow her around or just “show-up” because I was always taking care of the children while she worked late or traveled. I was lucky to have a job and a boss that understood my need for work-life balance so I had the flexibility to be with my kids and she would use that against me. She used her job as an excuse to be out late drinking and from now what I understand to be true fooling around.

      The divorce was actually complete in November 2012. I found out she was having another affair with a guy at work. He was married with two children as well. His wife found out and filed and my wife filed shortly thereafter. She started her job at Mckesson in November 2011 and they were already “in love” by March 2012. Sneaking off to lunch, working late, sneaking off to his house during lunch while his ex-wife worked downtown.

      So many lies and so much pain and then they start trying to turn the children against the crazy slaker ex-husband and the eviil ex-wife. I remember talking to my ex about his ex and she called her a “c*nt”. I said why would you call her that…..she said, because she was so mean to me during the whole divorce process. I said—-well duh, you were sleeping with her husband in her bed. Nothing…..she looked confused as to how she could have been wrong.

      The two of them bought land in Mason, Texas together withing 5 months of the divorce and were married less than a year later. Sad this is, they snuck off and got married without even telling their kids they were doing it. My daughters were so heart broken and angry—but neither of the two cheaters care. It’s all about them and their happiness.

      Weird thing is, they still both own their own houses. When he has custody of his kids, they stay in his house in The Woodlands. When she has custody of our daughters, they stay in her house. My oldest is fond of him but my youngest hates him and wishes him dead. He does not allow his kids near my daughters because his kids got into a fight and his daughter gave his son a black eye and he blames my daughter for letting them fight. He actually took his kids “home” and didn’t talk to my ex for two days……go figure.

      I guess they are happy together but I hope Karma bites them in the ass. I did love my ex-wfie but know that I could never live with her again. Could never sit at home wondering if she was really working late or out screwing someone again. She travled and would drink heavily and expected me to trust her to do the right thing even after I caught her making out with friends are house parties in our neighborhood where she could have been caught by our firends or her children. I told her if you are willing to do THAT here, God knows what you are willing to do when no one you know is around.

      Sorry just venting here………..I have married again and love my new wife very much and my daughters absolutely love her and her daughter but every once in a while I still get angry. I miss my girls when I don’t have them and it hurts. I didn’t want to have children only to have them for 1/2 of their lives. i wish so much they would see their mom for who she is and what she has done and want to spend more time with me…..but they do need their mom regarless of what an immoral, self-serving biatch that she is.

      For those of you that are new to the divorce, the pain does go away slowly, but I don’t think it ever fully goes away. If like me, you were lied to, betrayed, ridiculed and made to feel crazy and guilty for suspecting the affair. I lived with I love you but I need space for years. I was called controlling and abusive when she was allowed to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. I did get upset when she traveled but not because she was gone, but becuase I was afraid she was cheating again. Funny thing, in February 2012, she told me that she loved me and wanted to be with me forever and a month later she is sleeping with her AP in a parking garaage at Market Square in the Woodlands.

    • gizfield

      I think the main reason two Cheaters have trouble if they get married is this. They both know EXACTLY what the other is capable of, and has already done. They have told a lot of lies, and other people may have even actually believed them. You know, stuff like “We didn’t have sex at that motel, we just talked all night”, that sort of thing. We only suspect a lot of their rotten behavior but they have seen it in it’s full glory. And they also know that the crappy behaviour that led to this affair will lead to another, it’s just a matter of when. There is no truer statement than “How you get them is how you lose them.”

      • OHC

        One thing I have never understood is why BS are really certain that if their WS stays married to them, they won’t cheat again, but if they marry their AP they will definitely cheat again. It seems like if someone is the serial cheater type, that will happen one way or the other.

        I guess if someone cheated, never got therapy or thought through why they did that instead of facing the problems in their relationship, then jumped into marriage with the AP I could see that being a disaster. I suppose if you stay in your marriage there is an assumption you have been through couples therpy and seen the error of handling things that way, faced your childhood isues or whatever led you a certain way.

        But I would think that if the APs got therapy fairly early on in their relationship (once single) they could work through those issues and build from a more solid foundation. Especially if there was no history of cheating before in either of them.

        Just my opinion, though. I know several couples who started as APs who have now been married 30 or 40 years. You never know if they cheated again, but these marriages seem pretty strong

      • Jane

        Spot-on Gizfield,

        The expression “if they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you” often holds true.

        My exH is 12 years older than his wife (affair partner he married) and took early retirement recently.
        When he was married to me he took days off work, unbeknown to me, and brought her to our home.
        So she’s given up her job as well, so he won’t be on his own in the house and she can keep an eye on him.
        After all these years she still can’t trust him – tee-hee !

    • Gizfield

      I didn’t say whether I thought a person who stayed in their current marriage would cheat again, but when you have TWO KNOWN CHEATERS in a marriage you double your odds. Look at the statistics, they areabysmal.

      • OHC

        Do you feel it’s the same if one person wasn’t cheating (eg was single during the affair)?

        My thing about the statistics is that it’s so unclear how they got them. I mean, how many people actually fess up, even years later, that they had an affair on their first spouse then married the AP. And don’t second marriages have bad stats whether they were due to an affair or not?

        It could be generational–the marriages I know are of people in their 70s, maybe their first marriage was when they were just too young, didn’t know the person as well whom they married, etc. But there are way too many that I have seen last a long time for all the statistics to be right. I know of 4 couples like that who are in their 40s (can’t say for sure all were affairs, though highly suspected) but hard to say how long they will stay together. Once couple has been married about 2 years, another has been living together for 3 years but they aren’t married, the other two couples have been dating about two years after ending their marriages. All involve children. Still too early to see if they will make it for the long haul, though

        I’m genuinely asking this, btw, not trying to be difficult. And sorry if I implied you said that about WS who stay, but I have heard it from other BS over the years

    • Gizfield

      If there is an affair, there are two cheaters. Being single or married does not change that. So, yes, I’d say it’s still the same situation.

      • OHC

        I’m not sure I totally agree with that, but respect your view. I think when you have two who have lied to their partners and two who have been willing to end their marriages and potentially two families with children, the potential for fallout is worse than it would be with one. Just a lot more chaos when two families have been broken up

        I do think it changes the nature of the affair quite a bit if one of the people is single. The married party ends up wielding a lot more control during the affair, while the single person has more control if it ends (meaning, they have less to lose in exposing the WS). I believe these affairs are more unstable than two married people who are together. With two married people, they could both potentially stay in a cake eating situation for years. When one person is single I think they are more likely to get fed up with the situation

    • Sidney

      While very well written, I can’t say that I agree with the content. My husband divorced me after 27 years together and two children. The day after my 41st birthday I was told there was someone else. The news was delivered in a most horrible way with no sensitivity. It was out of the blue, as if a light switch was flipped and in the blink of an eye life was completely different and I was staring at a person who was suddenly not recognizable.

      Long story short. My husband moved out on my 42nd birthday and married his mistress on my 43rd birthday…4 months after our divorce. He did however live with her the entire year that he moved out but before our divorce. The mistress moved in with my husband, left her child with her husband who she had already divorced and remarried once before. Her divorce was final a few months before mine and my husbands.

      A lot of people say during hindsight that one can see the problems, or that that they should have seen this coming. I did not.

      A great deal happened from the day I was told to years after the divorce. So much that it would take a novel to write the entire story. It would write like a soap opera script for sure. To be brief, what happened what like living in pure hell. And, this is not an over statement in the least.

      What I don’t agree with in the article above is this: My divorce has been 5 years now and also he has been remarried 5 years to the mistress. I can honestly say that I don’t believe that the new wife feels she ruined a family. I don’t believe my ex husband feels he ruined our family. The mistress feels that she had no part, she actually told me that.
      She feels it was my husband fault alone.

      I don’t believe my ex husband looks over at his wife and thinks, “I gave up my family for this” , like the article states. After a little therapy, ( could only afford a little as I was left with no health insurance and couldn’t afford more than a few sessions) what I learned from the therapist is that the person who is having the affair and wants to leave has to justify that decision in their head so they rewrite their life in their head. One cannot even have a meaningful conversation with the partner leaving because you are so shocked with what is coming out of their mouths that you are just dumbfounded. Dumbfounded because all the facts are completely wrong, completely rewritten. Even if you can physically prove the facts wrong to the person leaving, it won’t matter because then rage kicks in at the fact that you proved them wrong.

      They develop a ”script” in their head that they have developed and you are just left sitting there thinking “WHAT”???? ”WHO IS THIS PERSON””?

      I’ve never had the inkling from our children or from observing from afar through what I hear and see through the grapevine (as he got all the friends and his family stopped talking to me and my children because we refuse to bury the hatchet and accept his wife) that he or she has regretted any of it.

      It appears the ex husband and wife and humming along without the smallest of bumps. There has never been an apology. No concern for the damage to the children. And, until you and your children go through it, you cannot say it doesn’t damage children….IT DOES!

      I refuse to speak to my ex husband, the children do their best to treat him with respect but I know the minute they become of age and can make their own decisions, they will most likely be distant. Distant is what I hoped for my ex husband as punishment initially, but now all I hope that he gets his head out of his butt in the future and attempts to repair their relationship. We could care less about the ex wife. She is insignificant and not acknowledged.

      I think that people should think long and hard before they ask for a divorce. If one just cannot be married to the other, please plan on how to deliver the news. Have a plan for how to carry out the process that keeps the mistress hidden. Plan it so it your children are not involved. And, for the love of God, try not to absolutely destroy your wife of all those years so badly that she cannot recover. Try to not leave her in such despair that she becomes a recluse because the pain, hurt, and betrayal is debilitating. And if you find in yourself unable to leave without destroying ALL…then at least find it in your heart to be a humble man and come to her an say your heartfelt apologies in the future when conscience hopefully returns.

    • Sidney

      Correction. “we could care less about the ex wife” should have been…””we could care less about his new wife”.

    • Gizfield

      What a sad story, Sidney. And what horrible behavior by your ex and his skank.I think you fell into a nest of psychopaths. Seriously. They seem to enjoy hurting you, rather than trying to avoid it. telling you, the day after your birthday. Moving out, on your birthday. Marrying the slut, on your birthday. That is cold, calculated seriously sick shit. Designed to ruin your birthday. It is not a coincidence.

      • Blue

        I agree Gizfield, they put the knife in her back and just kept turning it.

        I hope one day we can all disengage and heal from the pain others have caused us.

    • gizfield

      Sidney, I am going to recommend a book to you called Psychopath Free by “Peace”. It is on the Kindle for $2.99 (unless the price has changed.) It helps you identify these disordered individuals, so you can avoid them but more importantly it lets you know this crap is not your fault.

      I’m sure your husband may have acted fine till he started cheating, but these people keep the way they really are hidden as long as it’s a benefit to them. It really just means they didn’t develop a conscience properly and lack true human emotions. They do learn to mimic the emotions though and can be quite convincing, as long as they choose to be. I can’t say since I don’t know your ex but the book is excellent for anyone who has been taken advantage of.

    • gizfield

      I think the reason most affair relationships that turn into marriages fail due to reasons that are lots simpler than you think. Basically, you have two people that don’t know each other that well, who are basing their “love” on a very limited view of each other. And no, all the silly texting, and emailing, and sneaking around do not count. The “confessions” the person makes about themself does not count.

      Most dating relationships don’t transition into viable long term marriages, but at least you have seen the person in their real world. Some single people prefer dating married people because DATING IS HARD. Other single people have expectations of you. Meet my mother. Like my cat. Spend time with me in the real world, not just in bed or at some “romantic” dinner. Know who I really am. Not just who I SAY I am.

    • gizfield

      I think most affair partners would faint dead away if they saw their boyfriend/girlfriend in the situations the betrayed spouse has seen them in. That’s why the wedding vows say “better or worse”, not just better. Anyone can love you at the Better. At the Worse, not so much.

      Head stuck in the toilet with the stomach flu. Up at 3 a.m. with a crying baby. Watching that baby (and God knows what else) come flying out of your wife. Meeting each other’s family, all of them. Essentially the crazy, mean ones. Seeing how they look in the morning, or when they haven’t had a bath lately, due to a natural disaster. When you’ve heard all those same boring stories and jokes hundreds of times. When the external beauty fades, and you only have real, internal, true beauty left to go on…

      • OHC

        I’ve always found this to be somewhat of a false argument because that is true of ANY relationship. The getting sick, leaving socks on the floor, all of that happens with everyone. So as long as two adults have been in serious relationships before, they know that’s coming and they know that if they really love the person it won’t matter. I would guess that most APs who eventually get married do spend some period of time before the wedding where they see all of that. It might break up some failed attempts at a post-affair relationship, but I doubt it would affect a marriage of two APs.

        Also, if you spend enough time with your AP, you see all of that, I certainly did. Well not giving birth, but the looking awful, throwing up, what he looks like when he wakes up, what I look like without makeup. I have met and spent time with his parents and he has met mine. And our parents have met each other and even spent time together without us around. Not your usual situation, I know, but just goes to show you these relationships don’t always follow the same cookie cutter pattern.

        • gizfield

          ohc, have you ever actually been married? My guess is no. Anyone who compares meeting a person’s parents, and her parents meeting another person’s parents, to the in law relationship required in marriage does not know what they are talking about. I meet people’s parents all the time. It means nothing other than that I have met them.

          People who meet you as the friend or coworker of their child don’t attach any importance to it. They have no reason to. They may even form a superficial relationship with you.

          When they meet a girlfriend, or fiancee, or wife it is totally different. They put a more critical eye on the person. They want to know all about them because they are potentially a part of the FAMILY, and possibly even the parents of their grandchildren. Also, you have to interact with their extended family for years in most cases. Not just their parents, that is only the tip of the iceberg. Add in siblings, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, possibly even some exes if they were married before and have children.

          Marriage is so much more complex than any other non biological relationship due to a multitude of factors that include physical, mental, emotional, societal, legal, sexual. Leaving socks on the floor or seeing your spouse without makeup is so trivial as to not even rate in the lifetime of a marriage. Even if it were, I am talking about a period of years, every single day. No time outs.

          P.S. I don’t even wear makeup 90% of the time, and I leave my socks everywhere. Shoes, too.

          • OHC

            I actually have a very close relationship with his parents, considerably closer than his wife does. That has been true for several years now and even when he and I were no contact. And my ex-AP has made clear to them how important I am to him. I am treated like a member of the family. I don’t want to get into details for confidentiality reasons, but I have even been trusted to handle confidential family business for them

            But no, I am not an in-law, obviously and I know that is a different relationship for a variety of reasons. And marriage is different from dating for the same reasons. I was just responding to what you wrote

            • gizfield

              So, do you think this guy’s parents would treat you like a “member of the family” if they knew the true nature of your relationship with their son? Most parents aren’t real supportive of that kind of thing. Actually, most parents would be questioning what the hell is going on?

              Your situation is just odd to me. Everyone, friends, family, co workers, even his wife, thinks two are so close, but nobody is suspicious of an affair. How do you explain that?

            • OHC

              I think most people were suspicious of an affair. In fact, I’m pretty sure everyone we worked with still think we had an affair. And he told me that several of his friends pulled him aside to say what the hell is going on. Whatever they thought, no one told his wife and they all stayed friends with me. I think they found the situation complicated

              As for his parents, I have long thought they suspected something. If anything, they became kinder to me when I think they figured it out. They could tell he was going through hell, I don’t think they were happy with his wife at the time, and my ex-AP basically told them if it wasn’t for me and my friendship, he “wouldn’t have made it.” They took me out to dinner and told me that and thanked me for being there for him when no one else was.

              It’s possible they have no idea, though. And maybe they wouldn’t be as friendly, but I doubt it. Most people I know seem to understand that when two people spend as much time together as we did, you can develop feelings. And it helps that we were never physical with each other. While wives feel EAs and PAs equally, I think friends and family are more forgiving of an emotional affair

            • sammy

              “he was going through hell?” What about the ex-wife? When someone is lying/deceiving, it throws off her sense of reality so it creates craziness for her. He most likely ignored her, disrespected her, marginalized her…yah…her gut was telling her something was not right. And it was the both of you distorting her reality….why were you spending so much time with him when he should be with his wife? You are shameless. Why didn’t he tell her the truth and divorce her? Why would it even get to the point where you are involved with his parents? You must be quite the manipulator.

            • OHC

              She’s not his ex-wife, we ended our EA, they went through marriage counseling and from what I know, which is very little, they seem to be happy.

              I have been through story a million times, I’m sorry I don’t feel like going through it again. Let’s just say we had a legitimate work reason to be together that much, his marriage had been bad for a long time (and no, that wasn’t just lies from my AP) and while few people blamed her for being fed up with him, her timing and how she handled it were pretty awful.

              I did not manipulate at all. There are details behind why I know his parents, I just can’t go through it all again.

            • OHC

              Btw, you saying “you must be quite the manipulator” without knowing any additional details is the equivalent of me saying “Your husband cheated on you? You must have been a horrible wife.”

            • gizfield

              What do you mean, ohc, if it weren’t for you “he wouldn’t have made it?” Is this guy suicidal or something? If so, he really needs therapy or meditation.

              The fact that you think his parents prefer you to his wife doesn’t mean anything. There are so many examples on here of family members, parents included, that interfere in marriages, or like someone else better for their child. I don’t give a fig’s ass what my husband’s mother thinks of me. She showed her true self to me, and now she’s just another person. No more, no less.

            • OHC

              I think he was very, very depressed, but he is doing much better now.

              I agree that the fact I’m close to his parents doesn’t mean we are meant for each other or anything. Just responding to your original comment that if APs really knew the family, etc, the relationship wouldn’t last. You brought the subject up and I responded

            • Abs

              I have followed what you’ve been writing and it really sounds like you want people to believe that it’s okay to be deceitful if the end results are not damaging (something that is only of a subjective matter). I feel sorry for you for holding this view.

              I once had a girlfriend who truly believed that her “soul mate” was already taken. From the age of 16, and earlier before we met, all the guys she has dated have been guys who were in relationships. She even did sexual acts with my then boyfriend. As a 17yr old, I attempted suicide and only God made me throw up. My father found me lying on my side, numbed with emotional pain and harsh reality that I have to live through the heartache. My then boyfriend was not an innocent party, he later on cheated with someone else and eventually left me for her.

              I admit to being weak and pathetic to have given him a second chance of betrayal, in fact I gave them both a second chance because I loved my friend too much and felt I needed her in my life.

              The new girl he cheated with me was loved and accepted by his family, they preferred her to me; I was not the right colour. To tell the truth, she was a set-up from his sister, and for a young immature mind, it was way too tempting to walk away. He has a girl his family accepted and didn’t have to deal with the strain of inter-racial relationship.

              Once again, I pined after him, held myself away from getting into relationships because I knew he will come back, no matter how long it took, he loved me too much not to realise the error of his ways. A year and a half later, he came back. I took him back and felt that God had answered my prayers. I was then 19yrs old. The Lord did answer my prayer, but not because it was the right choice for me but because he needed to show me that this guy was o good for me and for me to mentally and emotionally detached from him. For the next three years, I saw the effects of his cheating, he didn’t trust me, doesn’t trust any women. He was jealous, controlling ( i let him have all the control hoping that he will see how much I loved him and would never leave his side), then he started to accuse me of cheating, and the accusations eventually led to being hit, bitten etc.

              After 3yrs of torture, it was clear that the 17yr old boy I fell inlove with no longer existed, and at the age of 22, I walked away. It took months of therapy and self building to be able to move past it. The friend also made an attempt on another guy I had told her I liked. It all seems like teenage drama, however, fast forward to now, am 29, and recently found out (last week), that my fiance had an emotional affair with a agirl from his work. He has seriously repented and we’re both educating ourselves on spiderweb that is emotional affair.

              He was honest enough with me to let me know that it was nothing I did, we were at the time apart for 3months; I was working on my Master’s thesis and he was in another continent working. The work colleague entered the scene a couple of weeks of him being away, they shared a house together and the rest I guess is my pain and struggles.

              After blocking her from all fb and what’sapp to work on himself and our relationship, (which wasn’t in any trouble until this messed up situation), this girl contacted him through another colleague and together were able to get my fiance to go behind my back and meet them for drinks. He now understands what he did was hurtful and the it took a long time for us to get to this stage; the road to recovery. He had lied to himself that he did nothing wrong because there was no sexual affair. What was interesting was, this girl lived with him and worked with him, I was non-the wiser that they had crossed the professional line. My now fiance started to look at her as a potential partner and the so started to measure me against her. Due to my past experiences, he knew very clear about my feelings on cheating. I always told him, ‘You’re free to leave me, but please do not deceive me”. I am grateful for him actually starting to measure me against this girl because although I was far away and we fought a lot (now I know it was because of his EA at the time), I was scared of losing him, but I made myself very clear that he could move in if he wanted because I do not have the energy to deal with his selfish “me me me” attitude in our relationship. I was writing my master thesis in basically 6wks so I could move to be with him. That sacrifice certainly didn’t warrant his ridiculous selfishness…all the while not knowing that he was in deep with his EA. He decided on his own that she wasn’t worth it and abandoned the thought of leaving me for her. His mistake was thinking he could carry on as normal with this chick and still keep me. I moved to be with him and the three of us started to live together, it wasn’t long before I saw that something wasn’t right.

              I was made to feel crazy, after I confronted him. I started to feel that the hardwork I thought I had done on myself and my trust issues failed because he was perfect and I was the psycho. All of this kicked off last February (2015) till November 2015 (The last time he saw her) after I became aware, but they had their EA from October 2014 till I believe September 2015.

              I of course had no idea it was still going on until December 2015, after I saw them texting back in November through someone else.

              OHC, it is very easy for you to say that no harm is done because one partner isn’t married and the other is. My ex best friend never went after single guys. She met someone else’s fiance and ended up marrying him. We haven’t spoken since I was 22yrs old. I learned that, I do not need such individuals in my life. My first bf’s mother later reached out to me and apologised to me for not accepting me; she now believes I was the best thing that happened to her son. Thing is, I loved his mother so much and I was hurt after being lied about. He told them so much lies about me just to cover the abuse. The truth has always been my friend, even when it slaps me on the face. I value honesty and sincerity. I believe in do unto others what you would have done unto you. My first bf saw his father cheat so much on his mother that after a party where he danced with the famous Shakira, my exbf idolised his dad. His dad didn’t have anything to do with the singer, but he had a charm with women. This wrong values is what has now made him a monstrous young man who I have come to believe has made himself mentally sick. He trusts no one and will accuse everyone because of who he became, a cheater and a liar.

              Am working on things with my fiance and am blessed that he eventually told me the whole truth last-week, I am not angry about the EA but about him letting me doubt my sanity. I wish I could find this girl and flykick her fatarse but I can dream. Ha! She was persistent, and although he was almost tricked, my zero tolerance to bulls#!t due to a promise I made myself after those dark year never to let anyone treat me that way again, ultimately kept my fiance from following that dark path.

              Commitment isn’t for the faint-heart, married or not, if you have told someone that you are exclusively with them, and nothing says that louder than marriage, then please, untangle yourself from that person before you start to get involved with someone else.

              Under no circumstances is it okay to cheat, deceive and betray someone. We are all fragile, you may not know someone’s past, I doubt this girl would have cared if she knew my past experiences, whenever someone who has been betrayed cries and prays to God, there is an element of consequences which heads toward those who have hurt them, it may not show in the same way you hurt them, but your life for one reason or another will never enjoy that inner peace.

            • Abs


              I wanted to add that, I am someone who will do anything for the one I love. I will forgive and work with them to make our relationship a happy place. However, am not a mind reader, he has to tell me if he is unhappy about certain things, am generally great at knowing when there is something wrong and helping him find answers better than he can do alone. I was relieved that his EA was not out of something I did, but his immaturity and selfishness. When he decided to look at this girl in the same light as me, he realised he had it pretty great with me. I have always stood by him, when he discovered his driver dead on the floor, when he entered into depression and shut me out, I gave him space and when he was ready worked with him to make sure we can spot signs of depression, dark paths before it becomes too late. This girl only wanted to be what she perceived I wasn’t, and all I wasn’t at the time was physically available. As a result, she was just pleasing him, not being honest with him and tried to play mind games to get him to leave him after she dumped her own bf. He saw that she was a mere child in comparison with me. Because what I was was supportive, independent, confident, loyal, caring, loving and damn right smart! I can have a conversation about any topic and give a good input. While I may be an introvert, I have great social skills and many actually believe me to be the extrovert. Had he been too foolish, he would have broken up with me and ended up with her but would have only gone as far as a couple of months.

              I take the time to know the man am inlove with, I know what his facial expression mean, I know when his smile is out of fear, shame, or discomfort and when it is out of pride. I know him more than he knows himself. At some point in our journey we may be hit with new struggles which may be difficult for us to understand, if at that moment another woman enters the scene and starts to think she’s better than me and she is made for him, and he, rather than help us fix our relationship and grow together decides to leave, I’ll say goodluck to her because a life together means overcoming struggles and being able to let the commitment part hold you through the tough times when the love may be low. What’s the point with someone who only wants the best bits about love and commitments and yet not willing to invest and maintain it?

              I cannot imagine why a self-respecting female or male will get involved with someone who is supposed to be committed to another person. Even if they claim to be unhappy or whatever pitiful story they may spin, how can you tie yourself to a coward? Why would you want someone who cannot make important decisions on their own without someone there to hold their hand?

              I do not have time for cowards, and doesn’t matter if the main woman is a witch or not, he should be man enough to leave that situation, work on himself and then pursue something with another person. Only then should a self respecting woman with self confidence show an interest in such a person. Jumping from one relationship to another can be dangerous in itself without the second one starting before the end of the first.

              I do believe in karma but not in the sense that is portrayed here. I believe that what ever we release into the universe shall eventually catch up with us, it may not be you personally, but your children will get it…and sometimes you may not even be blessed to have children. That is not me wishing evil on anyone that is just the universe balancing itself. Every actions has a reaction…every butterfly, has an effect.

    • gizfield

      Oops, should say Especially the crazy, mean ones.

    • Lil

      I guess I truly consider myself lucky to be happily married to my husband. He’s my soul mate and best friend and I don’t doubt for a second he’s faithful to me. One thing I let him be is himself and that’s not something his ex wife ever did. We have total trust despite the fact that we started out as affair partners. I think every relationship differs and therefore, statistics about second marriages are thrown out of my comprehension.
      To each his own. His ex wife did end up remarrying but divorcing again, thus never realizing her mistakes and why her marriages have failed. I don’t have the best relationship with my husband’s ex wife, but that is fine with me. You can’t force kindness out of a person who points the finger at everyone else for her own downfalls in life.
      I’m a loving, loyal and big hearted person, like my husband is so I think we just clicked.
      I think that if you leave your spouse for your affair partner alone, it may not work, but if you leave because of other deeper and more spiritual reasons for yourself, it can absolutely work.
      Our marriage, just like all marriages, isn’t effortless and we have to work at it, but we have an amazing life and so much passion sexually after all these years that it makes up for any problems we have to work through .. It makes it all worth it. That’s what marriage, whether it is your first, second, third etc. Is supposed to be about. If you can grasp the fact that true happiness comes from within, you’ll make it.

      • gizfield

        So how long have you two been married, lil? Were you married when you met, as well? Just curious.

        You have a lot of uncomplimentary things to say about your husband’s ex. Did you experience her behavior first hand when they were married, or is it based on what he told you? Also, have you considered the fact that your own behavior towards her contributed to her actions toward you?

      • Blue

        Lil, lucky you that you and your AP fix all your problems with passionate sex. You’ll have to hope neither of you loses your mojo’s or gets ill.

        I’ll add ‘never say never’ part of your husband staying faithful to you. I always trusted my husband to be faithful to me, he was my best friend and we regularly made out, not always passionate but lots of times it was. We were in a kind of slump, which happens in marriage. Actually at the time he started his infidelity I had been sick with the flu for about 3 weeks. He handled his slump by screwing and connecting with his coworker and listened to how wonderful he was (he was her superior)

        I agree with you that true happiness comes from within and that’s how I’m trying to live now. As someone who’s been deceived it really hurts to hear you gloat and justify your sneaky actions against his marriage.

        It’s weird that you even want to be married when you show no respect for it. I can’t imagine being truly happy with a man knowing I partook in deceiving his own family to get him. Eww. What his wife didn’t know DID hurt her. I’m sure he upped his nastiness to get her to want a divorce instead of working at it.

        You should never say never because you never know….we’re all just trying to trust hoping our partners have integrity to be decent and honest. You’re going to need as much luck as the rest of us, but I think you’re smart enough to know this.

        • OHC

          Where did she say anything about passionate sex? I’m pretty sure she never mentioned sex once in her comment, you introduced that. And honestly, if you being sick with the flu was enough for your husband to cheat on you, I don’t understand why you are still with him

          • gizfield

            Lil brought up her sex life in her original comment at 3:27 p.m. on January 24. Last paragraph.

            • OHC

              Ah, I didn’t see it, now I do.

          • Blue

            Thanks Giz!

            OHC. having the flu was just another catalyst, another thing where his needs weren’t being met. His new boss at work didn’t think he was the hot stuff he thought of himself. We were in a slump, although still having sex 2-3 times a week. I was more involved in the kids activities, he wasn’t. He was turning 50. He wasn’t engaged with his male friendships, preferring the flirty women who are very good at ego stroking. We mirrored each others slump. It was the perfect storm.

            At a overnight work convention they were all drinking and he walked younger swooning married coworker back to her hotel room. She kissed him, they went too far. She swooned ‘Couldn’t you tell I’ve had a crush on you for years?’ Him: ‘No, just thought you were being friendly’ They decided to be ‘friends’ still and continued to coyly play ‘dangle the carrot’ and at the next work function two weeks after, made out and got a hand job in a parked car, started booking the board rooms for private rendezvous. Mocked the ignorant coworkers and their own faithful spouses. CH started acting cold and cranky with me and the kids. Started acting real jerky and doing things like spilling things and not cleaning them up, leaving his dirty dishes and clothes around house, emptying garbage in middle of driveway- it was really weird! and so our mirroring continued.

            If I hadn’t found out about seamy behavior, I saw that he was digging his hole deeper and became more insatiable for the high cheating brought him. He started flirting with women on FB in secret messages- OW didn’t know this. I however became a sleuth.

            On DD and after he became world’s best husband and world’s biggest Blamer of his actions. It was a horrible time for me. I wanted to just leave but I felt I owed it to our children to keep my vows of ‘for better or for worse’ at least for awhile. I told him I wouldn’t ‘hate’ him if he wanted to divorce. Sure, I’d be very sad and devastated even but I would heal. It’s the lying, deceiving, dishonestly and risking my life to STI/STD’s that would make me ‘hate’ him. I feel that if I’m in an ‘open marriage’ I have the right (legally also) to know. This would give me the right to have a lover (not that I would if I weren’t separated or divorced) but I would have the CHOICE. This is where cheating is such a cruel and cold-hearted action. There is no choice for the spouse because they want everything for themselves.

            • Gizfield

              You’re welcome, Blue. Unfortunately, I think most of the time, when people cheat it really is over stuff that trivial. They hear all the crap from the media and their cheating friends about the wonders of adultery. They think it’s the end to their problems but it’s really just the beginning.

            • OHC

              You really think a bunch of cheaters hang out with non-cheating friends and tell them how great it is?

              First of all, most people are trying to hide affairs from their friends and are ashamed. Second, being in an affair isn’t that great, even when you really care about your AP. It sucks. It’s emotionally draining and depressing. It has the potential to wreck every aspect of your life. It’s unbelievably confusing. I wouldn’t have ever told anyone that it was a good idea or fun. It was fucking awful

              I’m not trying to say it was worse for me than for the BS. I’m just saying that it’s not some joyride you recommend to friends. Maybe guys who go out and screw nameless, faceless people at conferences or bars find it fun. But an actual, real affair? Not fun

            • gizfield

              I’ve seen them do it, so I’m going to say Yes, cheaters talk about it. Especially men. They don’t seem particularly remorseful either. You have said you discuss this other lady’s husband with your friends. Check out the cheaters on the blogs. Haven’t seen a lot of remorse there, either.

              I’ll go even farther, I think a lot of cheaters cover for each other. I’m fairly certain his friends knew about my husband’s skag, and one of them lied to me directly to protect the chick, who was her friend. There is even a movie coming out about a group of cheaters who rent a place for a Love Nest. The Loft.

            • OHC

              Wow, not my experience at all. And not my AP’s either. I know the only person he told was his therapist and even then he waited years to tell her and I had to help him do it

              Yes, I told my friends, but in a “please help me, my life is coming apart at the seams” kind of way, not “I’m having an EA and its great, you should try it” sort of way. And I only told them in the last 2 months, when I knew I was ending it. If they didn’t know I was ending it they would have made me end it, immediately

              Again, maybe men who like to go just sleep around do that. But I highly doubt anyone in a true emotional affair would recommend it. It’s hell

            • sammy

              Blue – same thing happened to me. My ex traveled to conferences a lot. What I know now is he is a narcissist – given any situation, it’s all about him. It doesn’t matter if everything was fine at home, he just thought about his own self-indulgence. He became an absent father so I felt like a single parent. The more he cheated, the more he blamed me for it – I also found it weird. It came to the point that neither my kids nor I asked him to do anything, but he still said I was too demanding. Even if I asked him if he was cheating, he lied and blameshifted…I began to think that maybe I was complaining too much. My reality was distorted and that’s what upsets me the most…I didn’t trust my gut. I over-intellectualized and rationalized the weirdness. Both the kids and I believed things that were going on in our lives with respect to him…but it was an illusion. In retrospect, it is mental abuse. My kids now have to rewrite their own history of their childhoods. My ex was making arrangements for his OW to work at his university – he submitted the paperwork on the day my son graduated high school. His mind was not on celebrating my son’s day, but his underhanded focus on his OW. He didn’t help either of my kids moving into college telling me he had work obligations, but instead he was vacationing with the OW. This is sick and narcissistic stuff. And the OW didn’t want him to spend any time with me (and therefore the kids), so in ridiculous false loyalty, he didn’t go on family vacations – instead adding on vacations when he traveled to conferences. And I found out that this wasn’t the first OW. He lied to them also. How could I possibly ever trust this person again? What really disturbed me was that he didn’t BECOME this person (narcissist), he was actually this person all along – the character traits were there – he just pretended to be decent. It was all about image management and illusion. I read that narcissists value people based on their usefulness….like a toaster. When the toaster isn’t doing what they want, they can discard it with no feeling. He hasn’t talked to the kids in almost 1 1/2 years…think about what crazy-making that is for them. They thought that their dad was decent (though neglectful).

            • sammy

              Blue – I asked my ex if what he wanted was an open marriage – he said “No, I don’t believe in that”. So…how does that make sense? He just didn’t want me to go outside the marriage…just him? Not only narcissistic, but not logical too.

            • Blue

              sammy, it’s all crazy making! There’s always going to be people you can’t reach in logic, empathy or honesty. It’s a twisted self-indulged mindset. It just hurts so much when you have a history and family together and you loved them that their sneaky behavior really cuts deep into your heart.

              I hope you find great happiness without that narcissist. I hope you find a way to not let him define you.

      • CovenantWife

        What you call a marriage is state sanctioned adultery , you will reap what you sow

    • Lil

      Totally agree with you. My thoughts and experience exactly.

      • OHC

        Glad to hear you and your husband are happy, Lil

        What I think a lot of APs don’t find out about ahead of time are about much more important issues–how does he/she act when you are in crisis, when a family member dies, when you lose a job. Will they be there or run? Will they say the things that truly matter, that challenge you in the right way, that make you better? Those are the issues that define a relationship, not whether he always leaves dirty dishes on the counter

        My AP and I are no longer in our EA, but after essentially a year of no contact we are attempting a friendship. Many on this site find that unbelievable. But the reason is he and I saw each other through so many life issues and were each other’s main supports–I had a death in my family, his mother was seriously ill, he got fired and almost divorced, I started a new job and was miserable and quit suddenly with no back up job. Through all of these major life events he acted the way I would want a partner to act and vice versa. Even this past year, when I said no contact, he continually said he wouldn’t give up on me as his best friend and would wait until I was ready.

        So no, we didn’t end up together, but I still care about him enormously because of those experiences. And if he were to ever get divorced I would absolutely consider dating him because I know that he would stand by me, no matter what. He already has. That means a hell of a lot more for a relationship then whether or not he looks awful when he wakes up in the morning (which he does, by the way.)

        But I would bet most APs have not seen how their partners act in those circumstances. Although it’s unclear that most couples see that before marriage in any case, but maybe that’s why there is such a high divorce rate!

    • Lil

      Reading your experience made me feel heartbroken for you, and you seem very selfless in that you mentioned that if a person leaves for an affair, to keep it hidden from the children until the divorce is final. I believe that is the main reason I have such a good relationship with my husband’s children is because we did just that. The most important part of all is the children and how they will cope during divorce. I think many WS bad mouth the BS and the other woman or man in an attempt to drive a wedge between their relationship with the children. This only hurts the children and causes hatred it their little hearts. My husband’s children always came first and he did everything he could to take care of them through the divorce before bringing me into the picture.
      Your husband most certainly did not go about things right and for all you know, the grass wasn’t greener for him. What appears on the outside of the fence is often deceiving. I truly hope that you went on to find a good man and true love following your divorce because it’s what you deserve.

    • sammy

      You clearly don’t take responsibility for your part in the dissolution of your now-husband’s marriage. You’ve developed a narrative that you became soul-mates (spirituality, etc) – you, you, you – it’s all about you …to hell with the woman who stayed faithful to the him. No one says the wife was perfect, however, what you don’t acknowledge is that a decent man would not let it even get to the point of finding a soul-mate outside of his marriage if he kept his boundaries. It starts with the first step and a man who is married shouldn’t get to the point where he could get emotionally/sexually involved. Sure, marriage can become boring sometimes, but the foundation is trust. You both abused his ex-wife’s trust. Take ownership that you did that to another person – someone that you didn’t even know. If the marriage was so awful, he could have left it – chances are it wasn’t that awful but something new usually looks sparkly. Just wait until your husband finds someone more sparkly than you…you know he’s capable of lying/deceiving when it suits him. I guess you can both live in a fantasy where you are the good ones and the ex-wife is at fault. Affairs are always the cheater’s fault…you know he’s capable of that – let’s see where you are 10 years from now.

    • Blue

      I guess my post just said everything you did here sammy.

      I wonder if cheaters ever looked up the definition of Cheating.
      Too bad it can’t be put in their obit (the ones who aren’t remorseful that is)

    • Cristina

      Well what if your marital situation didn’t involve children? What if the OW was one of your closet friends, who knew how much you loved, appreciated, adored, and cherished your husband. Who knew that you were going through a cancer crisis that potentially could have caused you to not have children, what if she knew that the meds you were on made you crazy, insecure, and feeling worthless as a woman and that the actions taken and things said were not meant, who also knew that a family was what you are your husband were working towards? who also knew it wasn’t the end of the world if you didn’t, she was the one who engaged in an emotional affair, she manipulated him into it by sensing how stressed he was, she said all the things he needed to hear, she was claiming stake in front of me, I called him on it, he made me out to be crazy. She lured him to her bed, she is unworthy in my opinion of my husband. He is a good man who is going places far above her head. She is the one with the baggage here she is a 33 year old single mother of 2 kids 11-12, she has no job, no money, she lives at home with her mother, her father and mother pay her bills, she is a full time half ass nursing student, who mainly likes to party all the time non stop. What then? does the betrayed wife’s heart in that matter not get destroyed? is her life not wrecked? I know he feels guilty but she sure as hell doesn’t, jokes on her though because he has made it clear to her that IF we divorce he is NEVER getting remarried, and he doesn’t want children that plan was with me, he has also made it clear to her that HE DOES NOT want to be a father figure to her children, that I am still important to him, and he has no idea what the future has in store for any party involved….that he still comes to me for comfort and support, that he still actively seeks out intimacy, and cuddles, but yet she is still so stupid as to think he is “in love” with her!!!! I have pointed out that if she had any self worth, self respect, self value she NEVER would have done that me or to any other woman. I have pointed out that relationships based on lies, guilt, betrayal, and limmerance (a state of believing that your affair partner was sent to you by GOD or the universe to be your soul mate, over your spouse) never last, that eventually they will both begin to distrust the other. Meanwhile I am the one broken, I am the one left feeling like dirt, I am the one who holds the plans we had together, the dreams, goals and aspirations we shared, I am the one who holds our parenting plan, I am the one who is shattered, that has to pick up all the broken pieces. I am the one who vested 9 years of my life to him, and his family, I am the one who stood behind him through meaningless job after meaningless job, who dealt with and embraced his procrastination, I am the one who supported him and picked him up when he felt worthless and less than, not her!!! I am the one who will separated or not still uphold my vows to him, because I took an oath before my family and friends I made a promise to him that I would never break my vows to him. He wants to move out to gain perspective on us he can go right ahead because I also pointed out that love real love is in the details, its in the fine print that people tend to neglect and look over. Its the small things, its appreciation, and gratitude, not just text messages, and sex, and that he will wake up and realize that even at my worst with him, I still was a selfless, caring, authentic, and genuine person with him and to him. He will see just how truly selfish she is, just how demanding she will become, his family hates her, his brothers do not care to meet her, or have her grace their door ways, one brother banned her from his wedding, said I’m going and that’s that, I laugh at her every day for being the heartless B*** she is, fro being as naive as she is and I cannot wait for it to bite them both in the ass.

      • Still healing

        I am sorry you are going through this. Your story brought tears to my eyes. It kills us because we have to deal with the people who have no remorse for what they have done. And when you don’t see Karma that is a killer too. I enjoy going to a trashy type web site where the other women (and men) are called out on the carpet with stories and photos. At least I can see other people’s karma. It is called shes/a/homewrecker/. Take out the slashes and add .com to the end. Maybe your story needs to go there.

    • Still healing

      It makes me sad to see the comments on this page from the other women. Trying to justify what they and the now-ex-husband did. No amount of reasoning will ever take away the pain you have caused. I don’t care if you think the children are fine with it. The point is you took advantage of a relationship that needed a chance to try and work. My exhusband and I have been apart and divorced for 6 years now. He married the woman that he cheated with (they still deny it was wrong and make it into a fairy tale story). I have moved on and remarried. I enjoy my life I have now but I cannot explain how there is still a hurt there. I have waited for it to go away and it has not. I have learned to bury it and forgive the best I can. I had to because I didn’t want my new relationship to suffer. I have waited for some sort of karma or apology. At least from the ex. I don’t think this woman is capable. My ex and I have four kids. Two girls and two boys. The new wife tells the kids to call her mom. At first that bothered me, but if my kids don’t mind it that’s up to them. I just don’t want to hear it in my house. I am their mother. At first they called her that and now the newness has worn off LOL! This woman is a troublemaker. I have a son that is now 20 and he is slightly autistic. He lives with me. She texts him things about me. She tells him no one in their house likes me. WHO says that to an innocent young man?? I think she does it because she knows it will get back to me, but why do that to someones children? She and my ex also refer to me by my initials in their house instead of mom. They encourage the kids to do it. My daughters went to live with them and the boys stayed with me. My oldest daughter is out on her own now and won’t speak to me. The other daughter is 17 and has come around a few times when she wanted something. As soon as she gets it she is nasty again. This last time I got very angry and told her she was a spoiled brat and I wasn’t spending any money on her again. She doesn’t talk to me now. We took a family vacation recently and I invited the girls and no answer. I have never been a drunk or drug addict and the worst they ever got was a spanking when they were little. Yet the ex and the other woman have been able to manipulate the girls into hating me. I sit back and wait for them to mature and come around. Then I wonder if I should be doing more to try and contact them but when I do they are AWFUL to me. And I mean awful. No one deserves to be treated like that. And of course the ex and wife love it. I did find a book called Divorce Poison. It explained a lot to me. How I will probably have trouble with them the rest of my life (the ex and wife) because they need to make me look bad or they have to face what they did was wrong. I don’t bother with them. I don’t care what they do with their life honestly. I just want them to stop trashing me to my kids. I could take them to court for alien of affection but honestly what good will that do? None. I have trouble with rationalizing why someone got what they wanted…..moved out and never looked back and moved on with the woman he cheated with, but then has a need to cause trouble in my life. This woman has some medical issues and she drinks beer and takes percocet. Once in awhile she starts texting me. The cops say there is nothing I can do because she doesn’t threaten me. I have blocked her but after awhile with Verizon the texts can make it through (60 days I think?). I have bought apps to block her and they don’t always work. I have even sent her texts back with fake “blocked” messages that work for awhile. Anyway she likes to text me to tell me what a bad mom SHE thinks I am and how they think she is so much better. The texts don’t hurt me because I know she is a piece of garbage, but that is the stuff I put up with. I am not afraid of her at all. I am afraid of what I will do to her if it doesn’t stop. My youngest is now 15 and when he graduates we plan on moving out of the area. Anyway there has been no Karma so how the heck do you move on and heal without karma or an apology? Its sure hard. I would never take him back. We had 21 years of a pretty good marriage. Most people envied our closeness. There are things that led up to him leaving. He went through midlife very badly, I had started into a very deep depression shortly before because of life events. I didn’t see he didn’t understand the depression and bought a secret cell phone and was contacting women. It’s all so hurtful. I wasn’t perfect. No one is. But who deserves that? Luckily I trust my new husband and don’t worry about that stuff. Where the heck is karma??

      • devistated

        Don’t worry, the Karma bus is warming up and it NEVER misses. They’ll get what’s coming.

    • Gizfield

      Still Healing, what a horrid story. They sound like they deserve each other. The karma in your case is that you are you, and they are themselves. Hap py people dont spew hate like they are doing. Just go on with your life, being yourself. Read Chump Lady. She had these people’s number. And remember, like we say here in the south, “Trash is it’s own reward.”

    • Lu-lu

      Oh Pleeeease. Stop that.

      We all have a freedom of choice. Marriages, like any relationship, fail all the time and it is usually 2 parties to blame. We live only one life and everybody wants to be happy.

      There WILL be divorces regardless your bitter opinion. There WILL be cheaters and there is nothing you or me or we can do about it. We cannot change people.

      ‘the other woman’ was not a reason, she was a consequence of a bad relationship. when your husband is cheating on you it is a sign that it is too late. He already went through the stage of feeling unsatisfied, unhappy etc, he already got himself emotionally detached from the relationship which in return made him available and open for someone else.

      Yes, there are serial cheaters and they cheat no matter what. But it is your responsibility to make a right selection of your partner.

      • Pat

        I can attest Karma comes back around. I vowed never to be with a married man and did not consider myself the OW. I met him and he told me about his psycho bitch wife and his plans on leaving her. I encouraged him to see a marriage counselor to fix his marriage as 4 young kids were involved. He said the marriage was over. He moved out without his wife’s knowledge. Within a year, he asked can he move in with me and share expenses. He filed for divorce and we got married. I did not in any way felt responsible for the ending of their marriage as I came in at the end and got involved with him during the separation. Double dose of karma – The wonderful and charming man I deeply fell in love was diagnosed as a malignant narcissist/psychopath after committing a serious crime within 10 mos. of living with me. He has one of the most dangerous mentally disordered personalities that exists … no conscience, empathy, pathological liar and serial cheater. It has been the most painful and hellish experience of my life. This evil predator was a con artist who abused and destroyed me mentally, emotionally, psychologically, financially and physically. Now I’m the psycho bitch as he cheated, moved out and moved in with the OW. The same script as with ex-wife. I now feel the same excruciating pain his ex-wife suffered when OW get involved in a marriage. I have no pity for this OW. She has being so nasty, texting him and calling me a bitch. Called herself a bitch in telling me its only a matter of time before she takes my man. ‘well she definitely deserve him and all the overt/covert abuse to insanity.

        • sammy

          Pat – even though you may direct your anger towards the OW, at the end of the day, you are better off without the narcissist and the drama. In my case, I blamed the OW to an extent – she fed his vanity and being the narcissist that he is, ate it up. However, I read the emails between them and saw what a con artist/deceiver he is – he is a narcissist, serial cheater, gaslighter, and master manipulator so she will learn the hard way. I feel somewhat bad for her since I know what he is capable of doing. It may take a few years, but his Jekyll/Hyde and devaluing behavior will come out.

    • J Groves

      A lot of bitterness in the article. Is this because the author was cheated on? It just does not seem reasonable that everything could go so bad for the other women. I have known a couple of these women and they had beautiful lives. In both cases, they were older than their husbands and I wonder if they were a refuge for him from an lacking marriage.

      • Lois

        Unfortunately when a man or woman is involved in a relationship (marriage) they are off limits per the bible. You don’t get involved! When it is said and done…a reasonable time has passed. Go for it! Who wants someone who has not gone through the process of the end all. It just makes complete sense unless you are just desperate. It is selfish to not consider everyone involved.

        • CovenantWife

          If you read the bible then you must realise that divorce and remarriage is adultery in God’s eyes

    • speedy

      I have two children age 11 and 7 and have been in a relationship with their dad for 15 years. We were going through a rough patch a couple of months ago then suddenly he rolled out of my bed and married an Asian women(he is white) who he works with on the same day, walking out on me and our children. In my eyes the OW has taken advantage of our situation and brainwashed him into leaving his family to marry her and move in with her and her two kid’s. What kind of person does this?.both myself and kid’s are devastated and keep hoping he will see sense and come home am I stupid for wanting my life back?

    • lam68

      17 years ago I was the other woman, whore, slut…whatever you want to call me. I’ve heard it all and if I’m going to be honest, if I were the child or wife of the cheating husband, I would have the same feelings. I cheated on my husband with my best friend. Great friend, huh?! I have no excuses to give. I was wrong. I was a complete scum. What’s even worse is, my friends was sick with a horrible disease and I was her caregiver. I took care of her for 8 months. For almost 3 months, I was “taking care” of her husband. My now husband of 14 years.

      My husband has 3 grown daughters. At the time the youngest was a senior in high school The whole family was a mess because the doctors had given her 7 years to live at diagnosis. When everyone found out, I immediately moved away with my then husband of 8 years.

      I had no contact with my now husband until after I found out she had passed. Of course, no one believed that. I had a friend call him and give him my condolences. He called my friend back and asked to speak to me. We started seeing each other again and the rest is history.

      We struggled in our marriage for about 10 years and worked very hard to convince the girls we were genuinely sorry for what we had done to them and their mother. Have they forgiven us? They say that they have. They never bring it up and they are always cheerful when they see us. We visit them and they visit us. We celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and holidays together. We are always welcome in their homes.

      But to be very truthful….there is still as sadness that I experience every day. No one quite understands what I am feeling and you people out there can say whatever hateful thing you want to say…it doesn’t matter because I have said it to myself over and over and over for the past 17 years.

    • Marci

      Hi. I was wondering if any of the ex-husbands still want sex from you (BS) even though he is with the AP. My ex husband started the affair in 2011 and moved in with the AP in 2012. My children and I were broken hearted and I was so depressed some days I couldn’t get out of bed.He is to this day still trying and I must admit I’ve given in a few times. How committed is he to his “soul mate”? She is ten years younger than me and a model. I think he was in love with the idea of her?? I don’t want him back now and I often look at him and think that she is getting what she deserves. HIM!! A lying, cheating, superficial man child. Good riddance

    • unbelievable

      After reading these comments I’m left in shock at how closed-minded, self-righteous, hypocritical, intolerant, callous, unsympathetic, and snooty people can be!
      I did not read every comment here but of the many that I did read, it was “Just a Thought” who seemed to be the only commenter able to offer, in my opinion, some insightful, original and worthy thoughts on the subject. As for the other comments that I read here’s my thoughts….don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes… practice what you preach….if your choose to live life by the book, head the entire book, not just the good parts….treat others as you wish to be treated…believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see…to abolish the unacceptable, it must be accepted….a soul must travel on its own path or forever wander aimlessly in another’s footprints….for each judgment one hands out, two judgments shall be received…..one does not become a worthy person by belittling or diminishing another… To heal a wound, it must be cleansed and closed else infection will create a larger wound.

    • Marci

      @unbelievable. So what are you doing? You are judging people whose hearts have been ripped out and whose families have been destroyed. What gives you the right to judge.

    • lam68

      So what are the cheaters supposed to do after being married to each other for 14 years? Just leave after trying their best to fix what they have done? There are some cheaters out there that are really trying.

    • chely

      OMFG! Unbelievable the amount of pain, hurt, anger and toxic thoughts. Everyone suffers in this situations. We are human and experience some level of pain in these situations. Good Lord just agree to disagree on the subject and get on with your life whether your an AP, BS, CS, or child you ended up in this mess because of parents. This toxic stuff that no one needs. Grow up move beyond everyone, Is it really worth perpetuating pain? And FYI I am a BS who realizes nothing improves until stop looking backwards. Live! Probably my turn to get picked on but I just had to comment after the time it took to read all of the comments-exhausting!

      • Nikki

        Chely, I don’t think you have thought these comments through very well. I am currently watching programs on TV about 9/11. (I’s 9/10/16) Telling someone to get on with their life is not your call. “Some amount of pain” really? if your pain wasn’t that bad then maybe you were more interested in “happiness” than a real relationship. Would you tell someone to get over it who lost a loved one on 9/11? Thats what finding out about your husband’s (wife’s) affair is like for many people. People clinically get a type of PTSD upon discovery of their spouses affair. Moving forward with your life as soon as you can is a good thing to do, but if you could just “get over” a relationship of 47 years like mine, then you probably never really loved the person. Healing takes much time and work and good support, getting over it is not the goal as far as I am concerned it’s learning from (probably) the worst experience of your life. If these comments are too much for you, maybe you should consider not reading them.

    • devistated

      I gotta comment after reading these responses. You OW/OM out there, listen up.

      What makes you think ANY of you are entitled to seek out, cultivate and engross yourself in a relationship with a married person?? Never mind a PARENT with CHILDREN who stand to be the MOST innocent victims in the whole charade. Let me enlighten you on something… 99.9999% of the time, the cheaters are LYING to your FACE. They are making up WILD stories about their betrayed spouses, laying on the “poor ole me” thick, and most of you are enablers, so you lap it up like ice cream. Guess what liars do, they KEEP ON LYING. And guess what narcissists do, they SEEK PEOPLE who stroke their egos. When you “win” your prize, the narcissistic cheater.. guess what, they end up treating YOU as BADLY as they did their Betrayed spouse once real life slaps you in the face and you are no longer able to keep up the ego kibbles. And believe you me, it will. Affairs are FANTASY and FANTASY never lasts.

      Cheating is lying. It requires a lot of effort, energy, attention and resources. It requires elaborate schemes, lies on top of lies. It requires breathtaking amounts of deceit. You other men and other women, you probably sneak around using alternative cell phones, maybe you sneak around and hook up on your lunch break. Maybe you have some sort of “bat” signal. Maybe you text on “hidden” text apps while you are sitting on the kamode. Maybe you take your cell phone EVERYWHERE. Maybe you have to lie to your own spouses, your own children, you own FRIENDS to keep hooking up in some cheap hotel with a person who took a VOW before GOD to be truthful and faithful. Exactly WHAT do you think is going to come of this relationship? If they can so easily discard the person they took the vow to.. what will they do to YOU someday?

      Oh some of you have made some PRETTY GOOD excuses.. he was in a “loveless” marriage, he was “miserable”, she didn’t “take care of him”, he was “bored”.. we have “fun together”, “they grew apart”.. the “marriage was dead”.. we are “soul mates”… blah blah blah. I bet if any of you had the GUTS to ask the BS, they’d tell you all these things were news to them. Most BS never realized they were in a “bad” marriage. And what kind of soul mate is someone who would lie and cheat? As soul mates go, that doesn’t seem real promising.

      You know what the more likely scenario is? I bet the cheater didn’t take care of his spouse. I bet he spent all his time, energy, passion, resources on cultivating a relationship with a tramp like you.. therefore, all the “poor sausage” crap he’s feeding you is actually the way he’s been treating his SPOUSE. I bet he left her at home to deal with children, the house, homework, stomach viruses, kids activities, a job, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping.. all the MUNDANE crap. When she got so busy dealing with the real life encumbrances, he got “bored” and “no one was paying attention to me, wahhhhh” so that’s when he sought YOU out. While he’s out with you, some WOMAN is at home doing the HARD WORK. You can’t make a marriage WORK when one person is boinking someone else. How is a spouse supposed to “make the marriage work” when their partner is involved with a third party slut? And on top of it, handle all the adult responsibility to boot.

      To all the OM/OW who didn’t KNOW their partners were married, I absolve you from responsibility.. UNLESS you continue to see the person after you find out they are married. If you find out your man/woman is married.. GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.

      For the rest of you, who knowingly get into a relationship with someone else’s spouse, you are sluts. You are shameful. You are bottom feeders. You must have absolutely NO SELF ESTEEM to hook up with a man or woman who belongs to someone else. There are MILLIONS of people in the world, it’s not that hard to stay away from people who are married. I don’t care what kind of bull crap they feed you about their poor sausage lives.. I can tell you it’s all LIES. Stop buying it and get some damn self respect. And beware, a person who discards so easily will DISCARD YOU. Consider yourself warned.

    • Lan

      Adultery is wrong and hurts people; Including the adulterer whether they know it or not unless something is wrong with them. When I was 18 I met a 22 year old – we hit it off instantly but a month into the relationship I learned he was married but getting a divorce. 3 months into the relationship he was reconciling to his wife but was keeping me on the side and I allowed it. I was 18 and an OW. 6 months into the relationship I couldn’t handle it – I knew it was wrong so I broke it off. He got his divorce and we were married about in a matter of weeks. About 5 years after we married, we started going to church and both became Christians. I was expecting our first child and had tremendous remorse for how we had met and married. I wrote his ex a letter and asked for her forgiveness – she was already re-married. I just wanted to let her know that I had been very wrong and even though I couldn’t change the past, I had to acknowledge my sin and apologize to her. I never heard from her. My husband and I asked God to forgive us and believe He did. We had a good marriage, were very committed Christians, raised 4 kids and have grandchildren but around the 30 year anniversary – my husband started acting differently – He was fired from a big job and was very depressed. When he got a new and better job seven years later – he became a very different man – arrogant, drinking, partying, different vocabulary (profane) and even changed his eating habits claiming he had never liked food he had eaten his whole life. 18 months before I hired a PI I began to wonder for the first time in many years if he might be cheating. He had a perfect job for it – traveled on private jet, always gone. I confronted him regularly and told him I would let him go if he wanted to divorce – He always said he loved me, only me and was committed to our marriage-he lied and lived a double life; Until he was caught in a hotel with a 38 year old MOW when he was 61. I didn’t confront him, I just hired a lawyer and filed within a week. I was done! He didn’t know I did until he was served at work. The man revealed during the divorce process was not the man I lived with for almost 38 years. He turned into a monster – walked away from God, our children, the life we had created – none of it mattered. I also learned through court hearings and credit card statements that his affairs had started right about the time I suspected – He was sleeping with at least 3 women at the same time. He has never admitted to it – even when watching himself on a video in the hotel with the woman he was caught with. He refused to offer me a settlement – saying he would leave me without a penny or a roof over my head. God provided for me and that didn’t happen. The week the divorce was final he moved one of his affair partners in with him. They are engaged to be married on the anniversary date of our divorce. She is 35 and he is 63. She is friends with the woman he was caught with and has to know he was sleeping with her and others while married to me. He has turned into a text father – 3 of our 4 kids have confronted him about his sin and how he didn’t just commit adultery but he walked away from them too. He explains he is just trying to be happy. He says he is marrying the woman a year older than our oldest daughter because she respects him. We have a 5 year old granddaughter stricken with inoperable cancer and he makes no effort to see her or check on her – she was diagnosed shortly after I filed. I wonder how anyone can respect a man like that. I can’t. Some would say I got what I deserved. Some call it Karma. Once I grew up a little and became a Christian, I was a good wife and an excellent mother – I believe I deserved much better than I was treated. My entire adult life was dedicated to one man and the life we were building together. A cheater is always a liar and the last few years of our marriage was dismal – I filed because I believe I was set free from a man who decided to be and do wrong. No one deserves to be cheated on. No marriage is bad enough to justify cheating. If you want to cheat – get a divorce. If you aren’t married and you want to commit adultery with someone married – don’t! It isn’t right and it hurts people. And you give up a little of your soul if you do.

      • devistated

        Thank you for your story. You are not a bad person and no one deserves what you’ve been through. Sounds like you were a girl when you had your infidelity episode and atoned for it, became grounded in faith and lived a good life. Too bad your H couldn’t live up to that future either.

        The difference between you and your X is that you knew in your heart when you were young adultery was wrong.. but you were young, in experienced, many of us could make that mistake.

        Your story is so valuable because I think young women don’t value themselves, they think they are somehow “different” or that their cheater is “different”.. that it’s some star crossed love story but it’s almost always NOT.

        Women need to value themselves…. don’t lower yourself to be with someone married, period. There are lots of fish in the sea and if someone wants you, they will get divorced FIRST. The only reason a cheater doesn’t divorce first is because they are hedging their bets. They are covering their asses and keeping from being alone.. jumping from one bed to the next. Don’t be a part of that!!

        Thanks again for speaking up.

    • Ruby

      I am writing this comment not to bash or troll the article or the comments left by the other victims that are scorned by a cheating spouse, but as a mistress to a married man that resulted into a divorce. Have any of you ever wondered what the life of a mistress is like? We are not all horrible people. We are people just like you looking for love and affection. Why is it that the mistress is always the whore, home wrecker, prostitiute, selfish, lacks morals, etc etc. and why does every victim of a cheating spouse always blame the mistress? When a marriage ends by a cheating spouse, it’s always the mistresses fault. She is always labeled “the cause of the divorce” but is that really true? Have any of you ever thought to ask yourselves why your spouse cheated? What is it that you did or better yet what is it that you DIDN’T do that made your spouse go out and cheat? It’s always easier to blame the other woman, but maybe you all should take some time to reflect on what it was that truly caused your spouse to cheat. The other woman more then likely was lonely like I was, or tired of being in shitty relationships with single men. Just because youre married doesn’t guarantee that’s going to be the man in your life forever even if there are children involved. By saying that I’m not trying to justify that what I did was the right thing But granted me making the decision of getting involved with a married man wasn’t something that was planned, I don’t go around purposely looking to get involved with married men it just happened that way. In my case I was a young single adult 27 years old. The man I met told me he was unhappily married and we started out just talking on the phone and then it lead on to something more serious. This doesn’t make me a terrible person. I’m a real good person who happened to made a lousy decision. I am not proud of the choice I made getting involved with someone who was married with children. I was foolish and I fell in love. It’s too late to go back and change things. Good people make mistakes too. There is a lot of truth to the article and I do agree on all the challenges that the new wife is up against, but that doesn’t mean she should always live her new life in misery. That’s an injustice. Maybe your ex husband really did find the love and all the qualities in the other woman that he didn’t find in you, does that mean that he should be miserable for the rest of his life with his new wife because things didn’t work out with you? Or that he should stay married and be miserable with you for the rest of his life all for the sake of your children? I don’t think so. Being in an unhealthy marriage and always fighting with your spouse in front of your children is just as detrimental to your children as a divorce if not worse. As long as your ex takes his responsibility as a father and financially provides and shows loves and good parenting for your children that’s what matters the most. Don’t hate us we weren’t the ones who married you and made a vow to you, we owe you nothing. Sorry your marriage failed it’s not our fault. You all need to stop being so judgemental and stop putting the blame on everyone else and just accept the fact that things didn’t work out in your marriage but that doesn’t mean you can’t find happiness with someone else somewhere down the road. There is still hope for us all. I wish us all luck.

      • Blue

        Ruby, please, if you have just an ounce of empathy, could you give betrayed people a break! We’re hurt, lied to, deceived in the most important core of our lives where we felt safe and you expect there not to be an emotional response?! Are you a robot?! Wow, your thinking is just as fucked up as it is to blame just the ‘other person.’ Yes, we blame you AND our spouses. No, you’re not a nice or good person for partaking in deceiving someone. You can’t balance out stabbing someone in the back then driving them to the hospital. You still stabbed them in the back without remorse. Unfortunately, I don’t think you’re very emotionally evolved to understand the intense deep pain a betrayed person feels and maybe will never be, so I’m probably talking to a stone.

      • devistated


        Lots of men out there.. find one that doesn’t have a wife and kids. And get some self respect. Seriously.

        If a man wants a divorce, he gets one. Then you can date him. If he’s married and dating you, that makes him a passive aggressive asshole and believe you me, that’s not good. There is no such thing as “unhappily married”. There is just married. No one forces these guys to get married, not one forces them to STAY married, and no one forces them to lie, cheat, deceive their wives and YOU. If a married man tells you he’s “unhappy”.. he’s trying to get in your pants. He is LYING TO YOU. Steer CLEAR.

        Stop lowering yourself to mess with someone else’s man. Really Ruby, aren’t you worth more than that?

    • Redemption

      At this point in my recovery (D-day was October, 2011) I almost never respond to the comments anymore. I pop in from time to time and read some still. I will say though that this site helped me immensely when I needed it most. 9 times out of 10 when I needed help there were insightful people on this site who took the time and effort to tell me what they knew and what I could expect. So I am not here to bash you either (just a little) but I do believe you are not seeing the sign that says you are riding down a “one way street”.

      “Have any of you wondered what the life of mistress is like? We are not all horrible people.” Our husbands may have been the one’s to play “coochie cou” with the ow first but when you participate in that “coochi cou”, when you know the other party is married, when you let your “feel good” emotions override your common sense, when you feed into the delusion that the married man is the best thing since sliced white bread, and pump up both your ego’s with adoration and sex, you are doing yourself and every other woman out there a disservice. It is my belief that sort of thinking is indicative of one not having very strong principle’s in life.

      “As long as your ex takes his responsibility as a father and financially provides and shows love(s) and good parenting for your children that’s what matters the most.” That sounds good, even enlightened to some extent. Except that is not the truth of the matter more times than not. Most married partners are so enraptured (read selfish) with their new personas in the affair that any children become but a distant memory. You read enough stories on this site and you will see how many married/cheating partners do what’s best for their children. Very few. Because having an affair is one of the most selfish things a person can do to another, it is easy to see the children getting left behind in the dust, to fend for themselves in trying to figure out the cheating parent. Money doesn’t help this particular problem.

      “. . . why does every victim of a cheating spouse always blame the mistress.” I don’t just blame you, or just any other ow, I blame the other offending party just as much. But you are/were looking for love and affection in the wrong place to quench your own needs for attention. Your words are self serving. He was not free to give you his love, that should have been reserved for his wife and children. You should have been aware of this, because your affair didn’t just happen. You helped him participate in a grandiose lie, and worse you made his wife’s life a lie for how many years? She didn’t have a choice in her life without being made aware of your affair. What ever happened to people being accountable for their actions in life and standing up for what is right? If he wanted to be with you he could have resolved his marriage first. One way or the other. Because a cheating partner taking the mistress as a wife doesn’t necessarily mean he has found his soulmate, more like he was pedalling on both sides of the street however it suited him. The mistress is simply easier to be with at that stage. She is not making demands upon him and welcomes him with open arms. The married party still doesn’t have to own up to all the lies, they can say anything they want as being the “truth”. I believe having an affair is cowardly. The married man wants his cake and to eat it too. He decides from day to day what suits him and plays both the mistress and his wife with constant lies. And you helped him achieve this. This isn’t a big leap in thought but simply common sense. My husband told his a/p he was unhappy also. Do you think the victim is happy? I know I wasn’t. Maybe you “won” in your relationship today but you lost the moral challenge of your life. You devasted an unsuspecting wife and you devasted any children of that marriage. Their lives are forever changed.

      I hope I haven’t wondered too far with my thoughts or have been too repetative but one last thought strikes me:
      . . .No, you don’t owe me anything personally but what do you owe womankind? The injustice your refer to is not yours to own.

    • Misty

      It is always easy to place blame on the “other” man or “other” woman when there is an affair. The hard truth that many people do NOT want to accept is that the “other” person is under no obligation to you or your marriage. They do NOT have to respect your marriage and more often than not they take their cues from the “cheating” spouse. Ask yourself, why should this person value or respect your marriage when your spouse has chosen not to? They don’t know you. What obligation do they have to you?

      When there are children involved it is possible that the children can accept & even love the new spouse, who may have been the “other” person. Let’s be honest a child who is not likely to respect the “other” person isn’t likely to respect any other mate chosen. How well children do when marriages end is totally up to how well the parents choose to handle the divorce. Sadly in most cases egos override emotion and the kids are really NOT the concern of ANY party involved. They are now merely weapons and allies in what is sure to be a nasty battle.

      More often than not an affair is the symptom of greater issues in a marriage. Issues that usually aren’t addressed by either party because they can’t agree on the issues. So, if we are going to talk about accountability BOTH parties need to be accountable for how the marriage eroded instead of spending time placing blame on someone else.

      Here’s a bit of a newsflash … people aren’t property … they can’t be “stolen” away. People choose freely to walk away.

      • devistated

        The OP might not be under any obligation to the BS.. but they are under obligation for decency, morality, and perhaps God.. if they so believe. At the very least, where is the dignity?

        As for children loving the new spouse.. that’s delusional. Not impossible, but highly unlikely, unless those kids are so young (like 4 and under) that they don’t have any idea what’s happening. But if they are older, believe me, they know and the do NOT like it.

        There are some things that just aren’t right. Messing with a married person is one of them. Again, the world if full of people. Full of single people. Whether or not there are issues in the marriage is not relevant.. what is relevant is that if a person has made a commitment to someone, they should honor it.

        If they wish to break that commitment with you.. think about what that means for a minute. What kind of worth does that suggest for you? You are a side piece, something they are lying and being duplicitous for. Is that what you are worth? Is that the kind of relationship you want for your future? Consider YOUR worth.. is that who you are?

        Can you really build happiness marching over the feelings of other people (BS, Children, Extended families, friends)? Happiness cannot be built on the suffering of others. This is why most affair relationships ultimately fail. A love built on lies, isn’t much at all.

        • hmotherw

          I love the last line….a love built on lies, isn’t much at all.

          I actually told my spouse pretty much the same thing about his relationship with her…

          Love built on lies is just that, a lie….

          It’s funny they have been dating for barely 3 months and already hates that I text him about the kids, etc. The funny part is…once a cheater, always a cheater…that I can verify without a doubt. He already did to her what he did to me…karma.

      • Nikki

        Proverbs 30:20 “This is the way of an adulterous: she eats and wipes her mouth and says “I have done no wrong”

    • antiskank

      In my case, I do not blame the other woman for causing the affair. I don’t know about anyone else’s situation. Was she a sleazy, shameless flirt that threw herself at men – yes! Was she lacking in morals, judgement – yes! Was she a slut that got her self esteem from trying to break up a marriage – yes! Was she the lowest life form that takes no responsibility for her actions – yes! I despise the skank! I guarantee we would never be best friends! I fully believe that what she did was wrong and that as human beings we should consider how our actions affect others. She has quite a history, nothing to be proud of.

      That being said, I place the blame for my cheating husband’s emotional affair squarely on his shoulders. He is the one who lied to me, the one who broke our vows, who chose to rewrite our history, to boost his ego with the office slut. He made a choice to chase some fun and didn’t care about me or my feelings. He wanted to boost his aging ego and obviously if you can get someone your daughter’s age interested in you, you must be hot stuff!!

      Many cheaters don’t actually realize they are unhappy until they get the excitement and ego boost that a “friendship” offers. They want more! Then they try to justify their actions as they convince themselves that they deserve the attention and secret relationship. It is just a big downhill slide from there. The lies get bigger, the marriage suffers from neglect and – lo and behold- both partners in the marriage are unhappy as the emotional bond is strained and broken. The cheater turns more and more to a sympathetic affair partner to make themselves happy. Aww,, isn’t it nice that there is someone there to help them out??? Get a grip already.

      Every relationship and every marriage has some sort of issue. Those issues are not helped by one partner having an affair!! Regardless of the issues, the cheater needs to take full responsibility for choosing to indulge in an affair. If they are unhappy, then get out – simple! The lying and cheating is much more devastating to a betrayed spouse than the truth would be, if indeed the cheater really is unhappy and wants out. Often that is not the case or they wouldn’t beg for another chance to repair the marriage!

      And as far as children – it’s a little more complicated than whether they can like the “new” spouse/friend. They want their family intact. They want the safety and security of having their parents together in the same house. They miss the parent that is absent. Their lives are devastated by a break-up.

      Obviously divorces happen for many reasons but to me, a divorce that occurs to feed someone’s selfish ego and lust is ridiculous!! Isn’t it great that affairs only involve true love on the part of the affair partners? Us nasty betrayed spouses just need to step back and stop interfering with true love…

    • gizfield

      Two wrongs is still TWO wrongs. I blame both people involved in adultery equally. Just because one is my spouse does not change the two wrongs concept.

      • antiskank

        Giz, as usual- you are right! It definitely takes two to cause such a monumental mess. Thanks for pointing that out. I did not express myself very well at all!

        I guess in the way I look at it, I can only deal with my CH and his choices. I agree completely that what she did was also wrong but I can’t and have no desire to speak to the skank and expect her to see the error of her ways. I have no interest or investment in her. Regardless of what she does now with other married men, it is out of my reach. For my marriage and relationship to work, my husband has to take full ownership of his part in the fiasco and deal with it. I had no expectations of her, but had very high expectations of him. I guess I just don;t want him to use the lame excuse that what he did wasn’t so bad because she lured him into it and was the bad one.

        She will never care that she hurt me or my family. My biggest issues since the first D-Day have not even been with the EA itself but rather with his lying and emotional abuse. Sounds weird to say – I really do hate that the EA happened but the intentional hurting after the fact was even more devastating at a time when I was at my lowest so maybe I am looking more at that aspect…
        Will it always be a painful subject?

    • Untold

      Seems to me Misty is an OP defending their own behavior. The affair partner has no obligation to the faithful spouse. But a marriage is a vow and commitment between two people, not three. If they know their love interest is married they should not participate in breaking the vows until the marriage is over. Period. Otherwise they are equally to blame. If they were “cued” by a friend to commit theft or bribery, could they claim innocence and blame the person they stole from? NO

      And yes, kids can adapt. But make no mistake they suffer. Weekends, holidays, vacations, even visits as adults become dilemmas on how to allocate. Who wouldn’t rather have an intact family, all things equal. And who wouldn’t be embarrassed somewhere deep inside over a parent who showed such a lack of discipline and integrity and committed adultery on their other parent. Maybe if cheaters didn’t ignore all those consequences upfront they would make better choices?

      Last, you’re way off base for assigning blame to the faithful spouse. Not to insult, but you are speaking from emotion (that of a cheater), not from intelligence. The faithful spouse is the ONLY ONE WHO HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. The cheater and affair partner made those decisions all by themselves. The faithful partner is the victim. Carrying your position further, would you say a rape victim is usually to blame too because they were dressed or acting provocative? Or someone whose car was stolen is to blame when they weren’t even there?

      There are many better choices to address problems in marriage, if there are any. The cheater’s weak character, lack of integrity, impulsiveness, intoxication, whatever else WITHIN THEMSELVES allowed them to make that despicable choice. THEY OWN IT!

      • misty

        Last, you’re way off base for assigning blame to the faithful spouse. Not to insult, but you are speaking from emotion (that of a cheater), not from intelligence. The faithful spouse is the ONLY ONE WHO HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. The cheater and affair partner made those decisions all by themselves. The faithful partner is the victim. Carrying your position further, would you say a rape victim is usually to blame too because they were dressed or acting provocative? Or someone whose car was stolen is to blame when they weren’t even there?

        No, not speaking from emotion actually speaking from a very logical place. My husband had an affair & one of the things I had to accept was that “our” marriage did have issues that we both chose to ignore. While I can’t control his behavior, I do have to take ownership for the role I played in allowing our marriage to suffer and thus opening the door for the affair to happen. My husband’s affair was a SYMPTOM of other issues in our marriage. It didn’t cause issue.

        As for being raped. Let me just say this. First, I am a rape survivor, not a rape victim. Your comparison of the infidelity to rape is like comparing apples to chick peas. Now with that being said, is rape ever justifiable? No. But as a woman who has survived rape, I can say that there are things that I can do to ensure that I do NOT place myself in such a vulnerable position again. Hence the same with my marriage, there are obvious things I can do to ensure that marriage is healthy, loving, and fulfilling for both of us.

        BUT you like most people prefer playing the victim….. being a victim renders someone powerless and helpless. In marriages most people that experience infidelity aren’t blinded by it. We like to think we are but when we get honest and emotionally naked we realize that there were holes in the marriage that we made a choice to ignore. Most people don’t like to hear that because after all we live in a victim-mentality society where nothing is ever anybody’s fault but the other person. We don’t like to use words like responsibility and accountability when applying them to self. We prefer to blame others for everything because it is easier. We like the sympathy we garner. But the reality is when an affair happens there is some culpability in that on the part of both marital partners.

        • Untold

          Misty, really sorry about your rape experience but glad you see yourself as a survivor. Yes you can minimize the risk of it happening, but it can still happen and does all the time, to totally innocent people.

          There are crimes that happen to innocent people. Like it or not, the fact is there are perpetrators and victims. Regardless of how I handle it, I am the victim of a cheating spouse.

          Really though, you have no clue about my situation. To say I prefer playing the victim is ridiculous. Let’s save time and just say I carried the primary burdens of sustaining the family with a spouse of 25 years who had personal crisis, became narcissistic disordered and used every tactic in the book to have their cake and eat it too.

          Yes, both partners are responsible for problems in a marriage. But only one is responsible for the affair – the one that chose to cheat. That’s on them. Sorry your spouse got you to buy into the shared responsibility myth. They must be 100% responsible for their choice to cheat.

          Good luck.

          • Nikki


    • Strengthrequired

      Misty, not all marriages had problems to begin with, that would even justify one of the spouses to have an affair, maybe your marriage had problems but not all do.
      I can tell you, like quite a few here can tell you also, depression and midlife crisis our spouses went through, due to business, work, finances, family or friends passing or having major surgery, maybe even the addition of having another child, were the major factors of our spouses losing themselves, making them more vulnerable to an affair.
      Now most of the marriages here have lasted for decades, which prior to this life struggle, had no problems, and the spouses who actually had the affair, would tell you, that there were no marital problems that had them seek out the attention of another. you can say, life happened.
      Tbh with you, I put both the cs and the ap as the blame for the affair, yet when the ow who knows that the man she wants is married and refuses to let go of him, and deliberately tries to break the marriage for material and monetary gain, is more To blame due to her manipulative ways than you know.
      just understand that not all the affairs started because there were problems in the marriage, or because because the cs was in a clear and rational mind. We the betrayed spouses will take responsibility for any marital problems that are in our marriages if and when due, but not when we know what our marriages were like before hand.

      • Misty

        Strengthrequired, aside from my own experience I have spent the past 12-years counseling couples, some that I have experienced infidelity & some that have not. More often than not there are issues & challenges in the marital relationship that one or both parties overlook. While ultimately everyone is responsible for the choices they make, the reality is that in a marriage there are 2 people and 2 people share culpability in how a relationship deteriorates. More often than not an affair is a SYMPTOM of marital issues, not the cause of those issues.

        In addition to married couples, I counsel individuals and unfortunately most people are more focused on “blaming” than they are on understanding how the marital relationship deteriorated. We are all capable of saying what wonderful spouses we are but often times when we make that declaration we are making it based on OUR perspective not on the other person. Ultimately whether we are great spouses or not is relative to the person we are interacting with. It isn’t just in marital relationships that we do this, we do this as parents, children, friends, etc. We define it based on what we want & desire (and sometimes need) failing to account for the other person.

        Couples that manage to survive infidelity & sincerely repair the marital relationship often build & cultivate a stronger union because they have chosen to accept their responsibility in the marital relationship, examining their role, and being accountable. They move past the blame, opening themselves up to vulnerability.

      • Nikki

        Thank you, couldn’t have said it better

    • chely5150

      I’d like to add two cents worth. Remember, if he tells you he’s seperated, it means since this morning! Funny but not funny as well. That’s all!

    • VLF

      Many, many years ago, I became mesmerised by another girl’s man. They weren’t married and had no children. I didnt even know at first t h at he had a girlfriend and when I found out I told him to go away and leave me alone until he became single. A year or so later, he tracked me down and told me he was single and I believed him. Then I found out he still lived with the original girl. She found my number and called me, crying and begging me to send him back to her. I cried too because she was upset and I felt really bad.
      Again I told him to go away, to make things right with her. I was desperately in love with him though and was happy when he left and got a place of his own ‘proving’ to me that it was me he wanted. I still felt bad but excused it by claiming it was destiny.
      All of these excuses are just that. Excuses. I was young and and stupid and self-centred, even if I did have half a conscience that made me feel bad. Because it WAS bad. It WAS wrong. I was bad and wrong but I was hypnotized by him (these ‘but’ excuses come so quickly to us don’t they?).
      To cut a long story a little shorter, he moved hundreds of miles away from her to be with me. We got married and I heard a few years later that she got married too. That made me feel not so bad but her pain still haunted me.
      We had two children and were married for 15 years. I never said anything to him (it always puzzled me that he behaved as though she had never existed) but I thought of her often and the part I had played in the hurt she had suffered. I sometimes wished I could find her and tell her how sorry I was.
      The last thing she had said to me was “I hope you have a horrible life”. I didnt resent that, I deserved it.
      Anyway, I DID have a horrible life. He was abusive and scary and our 15 year marriage was a nightmare. Then, 8 or 9 years ago, he had an affair.
      Despite the terrible marriage, I was devastated. Betrayal is the worst feeling in the world. I wanted to die.
      He and his mistress cared nothing for the agony and the vicious, unspeakable treatment they meted out to me and the children. He went to live with her and i divorced him.
      I had got my just desserts a thousandfold.
      After 25 years, I still think of the first girl and am deeply, deeply ashamed of the way I was happy that I had ‘won’ him. I still wish I could find her, to let her know that she had a lucky escape, that I am so sorry for helping him to hurt her, that our marriage was vile and most of all to ask for her forgiveness. And I would humbly, with sorrow, accept it if she did not grant that forgiveness.

    • VLF

      I forgot to mention in my earler post, that I know if I was determined enough to track down the first girl (woman! She will be in her late 50s now), I probably could bu there is one thing that has held me back and that is the thought of causing her even more pain – of ripping open a deep old wound that she would rather not be forced to remember.
      Its possible of course, that she may simply not care after this time but I dont want to apologize or ask forgiveness for my own benefit, to relieve my guilt and make ME feel better.
      I want to do it for her but I cant predict how she would react. I dont want to hurt her. 🙁

    • Ann

      Well, well, well, no pussy footing around with this group. I’m guilty as charged of being the other woman 35 years ago and it hasn’t been pretty. Just about everything the author stated is true. Except, I wasn’t the one who was married. His kids were never around. Not my choice. They are still very close to their mother never was to their father but that was my husband’s choice. We were madly in love and still are married but not without our problems that we have had to work out thru the years. We do love each other but love does change. All of his family hates me. Some fake it better then others but there is no denying it. His mother mellowed out around 95, then we were more friendly with one another. Even people who were not related but sister of a sister in law and her parents, etc have been awful to me. My step daughter is kind to me. Now we are invited to her wedding dinner and my husband wants me to go but I do not want to go. I have seen his x wife about 5 times in 35 years and it’s still always awkward. We have only spoken once, briefly. I don’t want to ruin her day, she never wears makeup or does her hair or dresses up, she’s never been remarried, another stab to the heart. I really think that I should stay home and avoid the lethal stares. Our daughter and my husband will be there. Should I go?

    • Ann

      his son will be there and he hates me

      • maureen

        The OW waits to “condemn” writers here who were cheated on and use harsh wording in their replies. It’s really their only opportunity to jump in and try to make the wife look like she’s the one who is crazy/evil, etc. After my ex left me for his secretary, he moved in with her leaving me and the kids abandoned. I called him one night and she answered the phone. I said rather politely, “you know you owe me an appology.” With that she raised her voice and said “I don’t owe you anything.” So what I’m saying is there are those OW who even if you try to get an appology from them in a civil way, will never acknowledge what their part was. It’s a missing chip in their brain. It has nothing to do with whether you are polite or you trash them. They just don’t care about us and our feelings. They are concerned with others’ opinions of them. It’s better/easier for them to denegrate and hate on us. Makes it seem more justifiable for their actions.

    • Sherry

      I for one agree wholeheartedly with the original article. I did get involved with a married man – was in a bad place in my life. We ended up getting married and it wasn’t long before the guilt set in. I confess it was all so “unreal” to me, but I knew I was wrong – but totally lived in a deluded state.

      I wish I could fix things. I hurt so many people and the sneaking and hiding really took its toll on me. I disconnected from family and friends and have continued hiding my “husband’s” and my origins. It hurts to think about any of it – especially the hurt I caused his wife, children, grandchildren and extended family. My question…should I leave and hope he can find his way back? I so wish I could turn back time.

      • newlife

        As for me there is and will never be a taking back, I loved the man I married unconditionally. The man that chose to cheat I would never lower my standards to ever allow him in my life again. Once he chose to cheat it was done. As for the damage done to my children, grandchildren, family and friends well that wound is deap and sharp. We have and continue to heal but they will never trust nor look at him the same. What we think of her….we don’t. If he passed away today she would permanently dissappear from our lives and we wouldn’t even notice. If you think you are embarressed you should be on our side of the fence. Some bridges once burnt can not be repaired. Now if your question is will he find his way back to you……well like i said i would want him to….period.

    • newlife

      Divorced after 25 years my ex plans to marry his OW,28 years his junior, convicted felon that drug of choice is meth. He says that everyone loves him and he deserves to be happy. His children,3 that are older than her and 2 that are 7 and 9 years her junior are fine.They are grown and very mature, that they understand. Well let me say to any OW all 5 are angry with their father and embarresed by her. He has damaged their relationship with him beyond repair. They see their father and I encourge them to, I remind them that he is their father and loves them. They have lost all respect for him embarressed and habor ill feeling toward both. They don’t want the grandchildren around her period. They have cried, questioned his morals, sanity and love of them……they put on a brave face arround her but I get to deal with the after math. We are and will continue to be fine

    • Janet

      My husband had an affair with the next door neighbour and she had the nerve to pretend to be my friend. I was very ill at the time and mY husband as usual went away to work he quit taking my calls 3 days later and she went to his hotel room and spent the weekend he didn’t talk to me for 6 weeks barely talked to our kids Nd when he came back he moved in right next door to Me. I had to v tell them to close the blinds I didn’t want to see it. It was so upset he sent me an email breaking off our 23 years of marriage. He turned my son in awhile against me and two daughter my youngest didn’t finish school is now living with her boyfriend. Before I knew who the other woman was I had poured my heart out to her. She was saying what a Jeri once a cheater always a cheater. We had a grandchild on the way and she didn’t care that she broke up the family. She was badmouthing me to the my kids and lying. Now court date is Dec 1 ironically his birthday and everyone thinks I should be so happy. I don’t want him back ever as I found out he cheated a lot more than that. But I am not happy I am SD I haven’t seen two of my kids in4 years now and my granddaughter who lived with us for 5 years I haven’t seen her either. The whole family is a mess and I am actually upset he is going to marry someone right away when he messed things up so bad. Where are his consequences or hers for that matter. They get to see the kids and grandkids and I don’t

    • Rita

      people are crazy. People cheat when they are unhappy, and have to stay in a situation they dont want to be in. Marriage is stupid. YOU DONT HAVE TO STAY IN AN UNHAPPY SITUATION – but because of social pressures and idiots who say you have to stay in a situation you dont want to be in PEOPLE CHEAT. Its too much pressure. People quit their jobs all the time – especially when they have found something better. How is this any different? The weirdest part is that the wives who get cheated on act as if its ruining their lives, when in fact their marriages were failing to begin with. Then they try to ruin the mans life for having feelings of his own. I just dont get it.

      • cheatersneverprosper

        A job is not a relationship it is a way to provide for your life

      • Nikki

        wow so when he cheats on you you will just be good with it like you were just his next job….O well…no biggie. I don’t understand people like you and wouldn’t even want to know you.life isn’t just about happiness.

    • Ariana

      I wish this article wasn’t true, but I am afraid things are going to be for me just like the writer described… so far it is. I haven’t married the man who had an affair with me, but we are still together a few years on and in love. I have no excuses as it was wrong and we both regret it. I wish I could take back time and I would never of even entertained the talking at the start, I would walk away and tell him to work on his marriage and finish things the right way before deciding on someone new. Easy to say now, It’s too late and worth nothing now, I know. It has been so hard for everyone, I couldn’t have begun to imagine the hurt I have caused. Just everything described in this article. His ex wife has moved on from him and seems happy. She would never want him back, but she will never forgive me. She continues to involve the young children, telling them I ruined there marriage and took their daddy away. I love him very much and he loves me, but I have started to think I should just do everyone a favour and leave him so he can meet someone everyone will accept. Someone that the children won’t be told bad things about. It’s going to hurt them if it isn’t already and what they will think of their fathers judgement. I have held on because of love and hoping it would resolve. I didn’t want all the pain to be for nothing, but I don’t want to cause more pain for more years either. Just so you all know, I was that child with a father who left us and went to another woman and her children and forgot us. I would never take him from his children or want to cause more pain. My mother never said a bad word of the OW or my father. This situation is different. What should I do?

      • Sam

        If you’re having doubts – I think your relationship is over, TBH. If your negative about it it’s just going to get worse.

        • Isledivah

          Don’t be…you are a kind and loving woman! never back-down unless you feel the need to. You see I am in that too..and it will take time. If your intentions were never to hurt the children then, woman your more then fine…your blessed…Keep loving your man, and his children will one day understand. Let the bitter old hag of a an ex-wife say whatever she wants. She doesn’t know you and she doesn’t need to. Only you and your man can work this out! Stop coming to these types of blogs because these people will only lead you to a never ending drama in your life..Hope you stay strong….

    • getoverit

      You break something that is already broken- if you can’t see the crack then who is to blame?

    • Tony

      So it happens to us men too. We went through some tough financial times that broke me. Funny how she leaves when I was able to fix my issues and get back on the right track. She started hanging out with coworkers one being the guy who is actually 12 years younger than her (she 39, he 26). Said it was true love only later to want to try and fix us… Not happening!

      We have a 3yr old daughter which I love more than anything in tis world and now have to hear about their trips to Disney and about him. And all so damn casual like its normal. Mind you I raised her daughter from age 4-17 who never met her father and now she shits on me as well. Sociopaths!

      Its been really difficult and find myself wanting them to suffer for all of the suffering she has brought. As much as I appreciate him not being a jerk with her, it drives me nuts and my primitive self wants ti bash his head but responsible me knows better. And people talk about forgiveness, I never get into it with her and have kept it civil but just cant see me truly saying oh ots ok and wish you happiness.

      My question is in regards to my daughter, will she eventually know what happened? I would never lie to her but would not bash her POS mom to her but the unfairness in all of this haunts me.

      • Brinze

        I see you wrote this comment over a year ago. I hope and pray you are no longer haunted, and that your family is healing well. I suffer the same haunting, and I know the answer is a heart of forgiveness. It is difficult, but I am now set free from the trauma and misery of it. The sadness remains…perhaps it always will creep in, on some level. That’s ok…we all have thorns that remind us to rely on God’s strength and mercy and comfort.
        I don’t think that we humans can forgive and then not expect some levels of unforgiveness or despising to sneak into our thoughts now and again. Anyway, hoping life is better for you.

    • Eleanor

      I am a betrayed spouse and I take full responsibility for the end of my marriage – yes, you read that right!
      For 4 years I was a doormat, a pleaser and asked for nothing in the marriage except that he be there. I paid most of the bills, did all the household tasks and waited on him hand & foot. I thought he was the most wonderful man in the world and I felt I was soooo lucky to have him. However, I was depressed miserable and unhappy, but I blamed this on the job I had with a boss that was “difficult.”

      Finally I changed my job and got a promotion.

      I now had a great job but why was I still so depressed and tired all the time? I began to question the situation at home.

      I began to realise very slowly that the man I had married was a hologram that I had created. He wasn’t wonderful at all. He was lazy, entitled, manipulative, moody and emotionally distant.
      So I became more assertive and began to ask for more from him.
      I said “No” to bad sex. I said “No” to doing all the chores.
      And the more I asked for the more he withdrew into himself.

      One day I’d got to the end of my rope and told him that unless he started to pull his load I was leaving, and I set about viewing properties that I could afford (I earned more than him)

      Not long after that I found out he was cheating with a girl at work who was younger than him.
      I threw him out and divorced him.

      He married the girl (after 5 years and after she got pregnant) and they now have 2 grown up kids who have “failed to launch”.
      She does all the household chores (including laundry for 2 kids who are old enough to do it themselves) while he comes home from work, sits on his backside and waits for his meal. She cooks and irons for 6 as the kids boyfriends live there part-time.

      So I say to all the MM’s mistresses out there, don’t wish you could have your MM all to yourself, because it might just come true !!

      • untold

        Wow that’s a good story Eleanor. Congrats to you for determination, growth and good decision making. Many of us wish could use that inspiration.

    • Jen

      Well I cannot say that I agree with everything written in this article. I was a married woman who was having an affair with a married man. We both left our marriages and we have been married for 11 years now. His ex wife has never talked poorly of me and in fact thanked me because she was not happy for a long time and couldn’t get the courage to leave. Both of our ex’s are happy that we are happy and have both moved on themselves and we are all better parents because we are happy. I have wonderful relationships with his children and family and him with mine. The children confess they are happier too and do extremely well in school. So I cannot agree with what the author is saying.

      • Sam

        Bet he has cheated on you numerous times

      • Nikki

        sounds like an exit affair which is much more rare

    • Tabitha

      I think everyone’s situation is different and you all should just shut the eff up!

    • Jolene

      Ok…so I am the betrayed wife..my husband of 14 years we had 2 girls together during that time plus I had a son from my first marriage which I we were very young at tge time. I didn’t want to get remarried but he layed on the promises thick. So fast forward he had an affair 8 months after our second daughter during the time I needed him most yes I should have left then, but we had children and I couldn’t bare putting them through any of that. Then four years later he started his second affair with a friend of ours who was 10 years younger and was married to his best friend! Not to mention our pastor’s daughter who was supposed to be our older daughters youth pastor! Yeah I know Hollywood right? Well they had painted me to be a psychotic nut that was unfit to be a mom (mind you she has no kids) they took off in the middle of the night to another state a week before Christmas I had just started a new job that I had gotten from my degree that I had just graduated college for! No Christmas for the girls I hadn’t received a paycheck yet and he over drew the bank account I had nothing! But they are now married and I can admit that I hate her! How do I accept her being around my girls? They play the victims! Ge doesn’t keep regular contact with the girls he only visits every other month..I have moved on I have reconnected with my first husband and have fallen head over heels for him! But I can’t stand the thought of this other woman (whore) being around my kuds she constantly post things on pinterest referring to me as the crazy ex ..etc. they alienated me from all mutual friends and of course he did with his family too! Just not sure how to not hate her! I try to remind myself karma is a bitch! But it can’t happen fast enough! Any advice?

    • Littlemiss

      I’m not going to go to far into this topic but I felt compelled to say something. I was married for 8 yrs, we have 4 beautiful children together. A year into our marriage my husband’s affairs started. He used excuses for why I was the cause of them but over time he gave up that and told me it was nothing I did. With us we just clashed. He strived for perfection and that’s an impossible goal to reach. With each new mistress I learned something new. I only blamed the mistresses based on one thing, how they treated me and my children directly. I had been harassed, called names, my children called names. These types of mistresses are ugly women. On the other hand I’ve met a couple that were amazing women that fell for my husband but were tearing themselves apart with guilt. Sometimes you fall for the wrong person, in the end the only person to blame for allowing it is my ex-husband. I can also say that the final straw that brought on divorce was my husband’s last affair. He was completely taken by a woman that he had only been talking to for 2 weeks. Yes it hurt but I am so thankful for her coming into his life when she did. My controlling husband and marriage was destroying me, my children were hurting and she was a blessing in disguise. Now she as a person was an “ugly” woman, they only lasted a month but I wonder how long I would have continued holding on for if she hadn’t come along. To go along with it my children are happier. No more notes left on the table from my son asking us to stop fighting. No more crying myself to sleep and being to depressed to fully enjoy my children. Me and my ex are able to better communicate. My marriage was broken and it wasn’t because of other women but because of other women we now have a fresh start.

      • Isledivah


        • Marie

          You worthless cow! First of all you are a freaking idiot because the words you spew expressing yourself are atrocious. Uneducated right?? We can tell. There is NEVER any acceptable reason to cheat. It is immoral and wrong and you can lash out at people on this blog all you want. Until you have had your family destroyed by the actions of a CS and a worthless whore just go the hell away!!

        • E


          I’m curious to understand why you are on a blog like this insulting people who’s very life imploded around them because of lies. Affairs are serious because they destroy families. Don’t you think that you have better things to do than troll? It also doesn’t make you look nice and reinforces the view of the OW. I hope you have a good life. I also think you should waste your time elsewhere.


    • BetrayedWife

      I am a betrayed wife, currently separating and in progress of divorce. I bashed the OW when i found out and H became super angry to me. It hurts being cheated, lied on and then blamed for the cheating as well. At first i was confused and does not understand how come people has no moral standard to cheat and/or being the third person in a marriage, but now i understand after weeks of teraphy that both my H and OW are lack of self fulfillment. They are persons that unable to get happiness on their own and thus needing other person to fill the emptiness. That’s why once a cheater always a cheater, because at the end (at least most of them, like 80% based on statistic) even when H moving on or marry OW, they will once again finding themselves feeling empty and feel lack of things. Because inability to find happiness within will still be there and expecting other to fulfill it is irrational. I come to peace by forgiving both of them and in the end, if my H decided to marry OW after our divorce, i want to wish both of them the best, because i am above them only when i don’t become a bitter person and i can be happy by myself, i don’t need other people to fulfill that.

    • Dr. R

      MM here
      Met a beautiful woman she was everything i wanted and she knew just how to please me sexually and emotionally, the feelings i have for this woman is out of this world, i am older than her, she is also newly married, oh how i wished i met her earlier and had kids with her. I genuinely love this girl and my only wish is gor ger to be happy.
      I have been with her a while, not sexually… but i speak to her everyday and try to meet her once inna while. I have 2 kids whom i adore and love, she shows great care and concern for both kids.
      Everybody situation isnt the same, people drift apart or have different expectations in life, i am a great father, always put my kids 1st, i will take care of my home and ensure their needs are met.
      Our family and our friends that bond thats there all the memories etc as human beings we hold on to such things, its our comfort too.. its easier staying in a marriage than gettin a divorce. It kills me inside knowing i cant have that woman i want, it kills me everyday i cant marry her or give her kids. Not because i dont want too, i do.. she doesnt want me to disrupth my family lives as it is now.
      Not everyone is as bad as u ppl think, loving someone is much more than sex, its about genuinely being happy for someone and doing the right thing even if u dont want too.

      • Tasha

        You a special Man Dr an ur family is blessed .. You are also blessed to have met sum1 who puts ur family needs 1st.. Consider you lucky to be given the opportunity to to feel an find this relationship of understanding.. Maybe she’s ur soulmate n she’s to verbally support u

    • Kacey

      This is so one sided. First off it is NOT the OW who destroyed the family it was the person who made a vole to you, the MAN. HE destroyed your marriage, he is 100% responsible. If a man wants to cheat he will if not this woman then it would be another.
      A person can’t be stolen? Seriously? What drove you family was your husband and he wrecked it. When will women actually start putting the blame where it belongs and quite bitching about the OW? If you man was faithful there would be NO OW.
      Also in a LOT of cases it actually does work out with the OW. There is nothing the OW can’t’ attend either unless you are personally holding the event or in that case your ex-husband is not entitled to go. Birthday you can have two. My husband was unhappily married for a long time. We met when he was about to leave so yep I got labeled the so called home wrecker but only by his ex-wife. No one else saw it that way before they are gown intelligent people who put blame where it belonged. Do I care this is what she thinks of me…NOPE, do I get left out in anything when it comes to their grown children (all over 20) Nope. Do I do Thanksgiving, Christmas, and holidays with his family…YEP? Holidays are done separately the same exact way it would be if he met me after the devoice and we married.
      Not all men who cheat do it again either. Men who cheat just for sex is mostly likely but men who cheat for the emotional along with the sexual are least likely to be repeated offenders.
      This is so grade school way of thinking. There are more horrendous things in the world then a woman having sex with a married man and one who should answer to God is the one who stood in from of him and promised to honor and respect you. Not her. Get over it. We have been very happy now for over 11 year.
      Anyone who blames the other woman is immature and from some of this name calling BS going on you have to wonder why he wondered? Wow

    • Rashid

      I had a wife for two years with young step sons who was sponsored green card by me to USA and I had friend of 35 years who had deep interest in her. She was young and beautiful and I had started a insurance business. Now our insurance business was helped by this friend who had his own insurance business.
      This friend started telling my then young wife that I wanted my old x to come back and all that nonsense stories to her. We started fights because I was jealous and I begged her to tell me the truth but no way she would share it. I accidentally logged into insurance office phone system and found the calls were recorded and heard that he was begging her to leave me and wanted new kids and would run the business and make her rich…blah blah. I panicked and confronted her and then it turn into pushing and she took a protective order….anyway after three months…she wants a divorce and that so called friend is leaving his wife of 20 years and his teenage boys for her. He is divorcing and she wants a divorce from me
      So the friend back stabbed me and this wife is too running away with him after getting the green card in two years from me…I feel so used and depressed but I know this kind of marriage does not last.
      Because this guy is a wife abuser and this is his fourth marriage and her third marriage

    • Priscilla

      I just found out my ex is engaged to girl he cheated on me with it hurts so bad I feel bad for my children I was a good wife a great mother how could he. What really sucks he family helped him hide it I was with this man for 15 yrs. she knew about me and my kids he family hasn’t spoke to my children in two yrs. I just feel lost I’m trying to stay strong.

      • Doug

        This came to our email by mistake. It is from Danni in reply to Priscilla:

        It is a guarantee that he will cheat on her. Yes, this is a paralyzing and devastating experience to be disregarded by this person who cheated. Just having a friend betray you is a longtime healing process and this pain from your ex and his family is the type that changes and challenges you to the core. Will it ever lift from your heart to be only in your head, meaning, will the emotional angst ever end and it will just be another experience you recall without any tears? Yes, it will. But it will take time. And while you await that lifting, know the lift will arrive. Anyone who has ever been thru this will tell you the same.

    • Dave

      Is it the same when a woman leaves a man for the affair partner? If she marries and stays married to the affair partner for many years does it mean it’s happy or just no where else to go now that she’s betrayed her former spouse and family? Is she ashamed or does she live in denial, telling herself she did nothing wrong in her insidious betrayal?

      • Danni

        the specific I know about is the cheater who didn’t marry the affair partner, just lives with her in her homes and on her dimes. But this women was also cheating on her husband and was advised by her affair partner, Financial advisor, Divorce Planner to stay married to the older and ill man until he died. So she did, and they lived together while she was married for five years, And then he died and she inherited everything and of course the cheater man also benefits. Yet he then cheated on this woman he claimed to love, doesn’t marry and continues to lives with her. The baseness of some people is impossible to comprehend. He now has a son who lives with a woman, they have two children and she fraudulently collects welfare as an unmarried mother. You would think of this as a certain class of uneducated people from chiraq’s southside, but no, from Wheaton, very upscale community. Wow if only I had the nerve to type the names.

    • LaLa

      “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn”.

      I can see this from reading these comments. I am a child of a divorce in which my Dad married the other woman—& here is my experience as a now 37 year old woman looking back.

      I have had such a twisted experience with infidelity. My whole life seemed like I skipped a lot of the angry comments I’ve read.

      Back story on my parents: My father met my mother in high school, they dated a little, he went on to college and she stayed home working odd jobs in Buford, GA. After college he came back home and they started becoming more exclusive. My Mom became pregnant with me. & they dated for 6 more years, (shacking up style). My father (being from the South) said even though he knew he wasn’t “in” love with My mom, for lack of better words: he had been getting the milk for free for so long, be minus as well buy the cow and do the right thing. He also felt embarrassed that my Mom didn’t have his last name for Dr. Visits, Picking up fro. School etc. He felt he would be doing the right thing by making her an honest woman.


      Anywho, My grandma, my uncles (dads two-best friends), literally ALL told him it was a BAD idea and that he was making a big commitment for all of the wrong reasons. Of course dad did it anyway because Dad is stubborn, so he married her.

      Within two years he knew he had made a poor choice (he should’ve thought about that before he had me UGH!) Nonetheless he tried his best to numb his unhappiness, he buried himself in work, (My dad was away 22 days a month for work) I was 8 and didn’t realize what truly was going on because while My dad was a hands-on involved dad. Again His job requires him to be away from home ALOT, he was only home like 8 days doing to his high powered job. So I was used to not being around him much. But he was a good provider! My dad met (step mom Ms. TT) at work , she started off as his friend, she is like 11 years younger than Dad and at the time she was like 23/24 and had a boyfriend but they did they same job. They had to work together a lot. So at some point they were spending my time together than my dad did at home because of his job. Anyway they fell in love, she kept leaving him because it was against everything she thought she believed in (she was 24 at the time) but she was in deep with Dad and he was in deep with her

      My Mom admitted that she knew the marriage was over with Dad and that he wasn’t the one for her but she needed someone to blame and hate. My Mom… (Love you Ma!) but she’s not the romantic type, she doesn’t like to travel, go out, not very ambitious etc. which is fine, But is not my Dads thing. She had grown used to my dad just taking care of her and raising me. She is a very loving mom and a damn good one, but I honestly believe she never wanted to be with my dad she just settled for him when she got pregnant, which I can totally see how that happened.

      (I’m 37 now) & my dad has been happily married to Ms. TT for like 28 years who I call Ma, (I have a Mommy and a Ma) My Mom had a rough two years and I believe it wasn’t entirely because of my Dad it was because she had to find herself now, she had been working a office secretary of 8 years, gained weight and put all of her love and attention into me. She had no life. So during the divorce my Mom (believe it or not….blossomed) She got a new manager job, lost 20 pounds and started dating….I hated her dating! Must admit so I was happy when she found a good guy. Every now and then I would blast my Dad or Ma TT out just because I went through my angry teenager phase, but I knew they were happy and I knew it was card I could use that was a below the belter to shut them both up. (I stopped being able to use that card when my mom actually got remarried HA!) That good guy my Mom met was Mr. Paul. Who is an old school kinda guy, he never wants to leave Buford and they are two peas in a pod.

      I know there are a lot of bitter folks out there but my situation turned out…I guess rare. (My mom even agrees now that she’s been married for 20 years, that the divorce was the best thing that happened to her) & my Dad has been married to Ma TT for like 28 years. There was no bad karma, my Dad didn’t cheat again, though I wish he would’ve divorced mom first vs sneaking around. It happened the way it happened.

      I guess I would be a bitter angry adult child had my Mom not found a life of her own and now has a successful, happy marriage and or if my Dad didn’t find a life of his own.

      They just weren’t meant for each other and that’s okay.

      And here’s the kicker! Mommy and TT are actually…wait let me say it…friends. While There is still some underlying completion (they both try and compete for my love, I know it’s silly but it’s so hilarious even as an adult with kids of my own)
      They are both good women. My dad will never leave TT.

      I don’t know guys.

      I know a lot of times divorce has bad effects on people, but so do a lot of things. My cousin’s parents have been married for 30 years no divorce and the 3 of them a jacked up! One in prison and the other two’s life is a real life jerry springer show.

      I have been married myself for 5 years and I know what a married is and ISNT suppose to look like.

      Sincerely signed , “the product of a divorce and my step-mom wasn’t evil and my Mom is a champion who picked herself up and got her groove back”

      Peace to all.

      • Liz

        Dear La La
        Thank you for sharing. Love this. Both your parents seem like excellent people and your father chose a decent human being despite how things started. Sadly, some of these ex es and OW are not so nice, quite a few personality disordered so there is no chance for a happy ending. You are blessed.

    • Donna

      My husband and I moved to Reno from Fl in July of 2015 for his new job. All of our family and friends are 2000 miles away. I started working at the same company 4 months later in a different department. He transferred a young married woman from the front desk to sales where he was her direct boss. They are constantly together and soon openly flirt every time they are in the office together. We have been married for 34 years, she is 33 years old and on her second marriage. In July after a year of being in Reno we are shopping for a home and looking to buy new furniture. On August 2nd he comes home and tells me I have never been happy in our 34 year marriage, that I deserve a better person than him and to get a boyfriend! This tactic doesn’t work so he tells me he feels nothing for me, nothing. I ask him if I should move into my own apartment, he says no. He assures me that there isn’t another person, he just wanted to be honest. I sob myself to sleep and wake up at 3 am thinking ” his cell phones.” I get them and on the 3rd attempt of demanding he unlock them, he finally does. I find Pandora’s Box on both! They call each other “Baby” they confess that they are soul mates and have found their true loves in each other. He denies anything is going on. They both sign papers at work stating he didn’t force her. I kick him out and after living in a hotel for 2 weeks he moves in with her. I ask ” With her husband too?” He says “No, he left in the middle of July.” She gave her resignation 2 weeks later, 2 weeks after that he gave his and followed her to her new company.
      I have now moved back to the east coast to be close to our 3 sons. friends and family. This is the most horrendous event that has ever happened to me in my life. This woman has stolen my whole life because my husband gave it to her! It has been just 4 months since my life has turned upside down. I just moved here last month to rebuild my life and start over. As ugly and hideous as this is for me, it is what it is. If you do think of me, please send a good wish and prayers for strength and that I find a job.
      Thank you.

    • john

      When a wife/husband is the cheater and isn’t caught, they usually devises a plan so they don’t look like the disrespectful person they have become. Even if they were brought up in the Church – Even if they was the perfect parent and spouse – Even if they had a long term marriage for over 25 yrs. When they betray their marriage (themselves and family), they become self centered and will re-write history to justify their plan. If they are not caught, they will blame the victim spouse, divorce the victim spouse, and eventually and in the most calculating way introduce the affair partner into their social circle/family as someone they “just met” or “someone I met through work.”

      Most cheaters and affair partners will justify what they are doing by saying “he/she was in a bad or unhappy marriage.”

      Utter bullshit and you know it

      • Brinze

        Yup. You are right. This is the pattern. Period. Such evil, even THEY can’t fully face it!

    • MyMeeshu

      About 9 years ago, I traveled to my country of birth and was invited to stay with a 3G cousin (11 years younger) who I had never met my entire life and had two small children with a girlfriend (Diana) of 4 years and living together. Through getting to know me, he fell in love with me, but I did not care for him the same, I only treated him as my cousin (my family). After some time, Diana’s best friend and I got into a discussion that she did not like, and ended up yelling at me, that my cousin and I were having an affair (she would KNOW such a thing because I found out later that SHE had slept with him herself). I was in shock, actually, as I said I didn’t see it coming. I had been too busy doing other things and was NOT prepared for this assault! They cornered me and I ended up calling my cousin to rush home to clear this up with Diana, immediately! She was hysterical and violent and I ended up locking myself up in a room until my cousin got there. By that time my aunts showed up and Diana confronted him. He admitted to her that he had fallen in love with me. He told her to her face in front of me and everyone present that he “cared” about her for being the mother of his children, but he didn’t love her that she knew that and she had mistreated him throughout their relationship, he had only stayed with her out of obligation to his children. Diana was devastated to say the least and she ran out of the house crying. I was speechless! This was the last thing I needed. My other aunts asked him what he was going to do and if “I” accepted him would he go with me because he needed to decide what to do at that point. He said that if I would have him he would go with me. I was like, “wait a minute, he’s staying HERE with his ‘family’ and he’s gonna have to deal with it…I have NO plans with him; it was not MY problem that he felt this way for me!” … Diana’s mother ended up showing up at the house and told me that I needed to leave, that it was Diana’s home. Well, it was NOT that simple. First, I was invited to stay; second, I had paid them RENT to stay there and third, it was a third world country and I had no place to go at that very moment and my plans were long-term. So “no” I was not leaving until I secured a place of my own, NOT because I was being run off when I did NOTHING wrong to begin with. This was NOT my problem and it was an inconvenience to “me”. I understood I had to leave and wanted to leave, but NOT if I had no where to go. So, I made plans to rent an apartment which took me two weeks and I finally did and left him, Diana and their two children to deal with “his” problem.

      Well, it wasn’t but a week later that I called my parents in Miami to see how they were and turns out that they didn’t want to speak to me. Apparently, Diana called them up and told them that I was a home wrecker. That I had come to her home and seduced her husband and ruined “their” lives! They told me I was a disgrace to the family and didn’t want to listen to me. I tried to tell them this was simply NOT true. That she had lied to them. They did not want to speak to me and they even changed their telephone number so I couldn’t get ahold of them. I called my cousin and told him what Diana had done and told him to tell her to call my parents and tell them the “truth”! He said he would, but knowing her she wasn’t going to do that. About a week passed and she had not fixed that nor told the truth to my parents and no one wanted to talk to me, everyone had gotten a wind of what “I” had done.

      So, I said “fine”! If this is how she wanted it, “fine with me”. I called one of my my aunts and told her: “Tell Diana, since she doesn’t want to tell my parents and family the truth and fix the lies she told them about me, NOW…I WILL take him from her!”

      I called him up a few minutes later and told him to pack his things and come live with me. He was there in 10 minutes!

      That was 9 years ago. We are still together. At first it wasn’t as lovers because as I said I “didn’t” love him at that time. But, I had left her and him “whole” when I left their house. She was the one who LIED and ruined me with my family. WHY did she have to do that? WHY? That was NOT what had happened! WHY lie? It was not MY fault that he didn’t love her. Eventually, her lies became “real” to her and she ended up being the “victim” and my entire family, to this day, sides with her. They alienated my cousin and I, and excluded us from the “family”. She did not want to let him see his children and called and labeled me other things to include being a whore and drug addict. I have my own online business and she even went as far as saying that I was doing prono on my computer and didn’t want her children near me. To this day, her lies have prevailed. Even to my aunts and everyone else that was their that day when he told her he didn’t love her and knew that it had nothing to do with me nor that I had slept with him nor taken him away from her as a “cheater”.

      We were left “alone” and eventually I fell in love with him. He took care of me and maybe his strong love for his children among other things was what made me finally see this part of him that yes, in this country there are still families who say a man is obligated to stay with the woman who bears his children, even if you don’t love her and is miserable or you were young and got her pregnant and that the child needed his father, etc. He truly “didn’t” love her, that was quite obvious. But to her it wasn’t. She was jealous that he loved me and when he came to live with me, instead of fixing things with my parents she attacked me (even physically); on many occasions, and used his children to try to return to her. Nothing she did worked. I even let him leave to see about “his children” and he never wanted to stay with her. She didn’t “get it” or want to accept it.

      We got married three years later and in order for him to take her to court for his children, we needed to be united, because she did not allow them to see him or us together. Even when we went to the hearing she had all “his” family there at the courthouse, his own brother showed up against him. His mother and cousins. WHY? He was a good father and he LOVES his children. Eventually, the court gave him igual custody and rights of his children and we were victorious against her. And for a while things changed because we had his children every weekend and birthdays, vacations, holidays, etc. But, Diana was impossible. Some times she made excuses that she didn’t have to have them ready or we couldn’t pick them up or got upset that people were saying how good “I” took care of them. She did not think of her children and the good of everyone and their family, although he and I were alone and no one in our family supported us or talked to us. They invited her to the family get-togethers, birthdays, holidays and events, etc. They never invited him or us, not even for the good of his children and that we were in fact, “family”. I was still their “cousin”. Another cousin, had actually CHEATED on his wife with two children and they in fact accepted the OW, especially AFTER he got married to her. So WHY couldn’t they accept “us”? It’s simple, they are IDIOTS and they believed this lying bitch because she refused to accept that he didn’t love her and had NOTHING without him and used her children to secure a place that he was never going to give to her. So SHE stole it with LIES and did NOT care about her children.

      He and his children are the ones who have suffered in this and they love me and try to understand the situation now they are older because when we were able to have them with us, they got to know me and us as a family. He and I now have a 6 year old son and he’s the light of our lives. I eventually got sick of her shit and we moved away to another city far away about a year ago. There was nothing that we could do right to make her feel different and she was continuously hurting her children. It was unhealthy, I was tired of it and I didn’t want it to cause problems with our own son and it was the best decision that I had made since I got here. It has been very rough, especially during the holidays and its a damn shame because he’s a good father and husband and he loves me the same as he did before I ever loved him. We have new friends that make part of the difference during this time of year, but he’s very sentimental and I KNOW that he misses his family, his children although he speaks with them even day. Not even his mother wants to acknowledge that he is happy with me and that this is what he wanted. If a man cheats, it’s because something is wrong in his relationship to make him change for his partner and wife and want to be else where. True, he should be man enough to tell her before he cheats but sometimes, it just doesn’t happen that way, that is obvious. With me, this “woman” blew it and didn’t treat him right when she had him. Even when I told her to come correct and fix the lies she told my parents and family and he told her that same, she didn’t feel she was jeopardizing him and didn’t tell the truth about me. She gave him away, when I didn’t even want him. To this day, she is miserable and alone and no other man wants her, just like I got the opportunity to tell her: until she fixes what she did to me, she will NOT find peace nor the happiness she wants with another man in her life!

    • toofunny

      Not sure why this article came up in my searches, but the comments were just too entertaining.

      Noone likes a miserable nag. Being miss miserable isnt cute after your teenage years.

      Your husband cheated and left, because he decided you were not what you wanted anymore. Get over it.

      Your husband is a horrible person yes. But to take that fact and run with it and tuck under your pilow at night for comfort while repeating in your head: “if he cheated on me he will cheat on her too” and wish for that day you are insane. If that is what keeps you going theres not much anyone can do for you.

      I hate to say it, but my MIL was scorned too, but after a while i see why my FIL dipped and married the other woman. He still took care of the children. He just didnt want anything to do with HER.

      Hes happily moved on, but she still brings him up in a negative light saying hes poor, and my husband (her son) has terrible spending habits just like his “daddy” did. Yes she still refers to him as “daddy” instead of “your father”. Very spooky.

      “sweetheart, have you asked daddy about that one thing?”

      Lol, if you women are anything like my mil, im happy for your ex husbands that ESCAPED!!!!

      Now learn from your mistakes and better luck next time.

    • Kathy

      After 35 yr marriage (with my soon to be ex) having numerous affairs he left me this time for the also married 11 yr. younger neighbor. 1 yr later they are still together and I believe engaged. To make a long story short..haha. I hate them both for their slimy, sneaky behavior HOWEVER….my biggest problem is my Daughter and 3 Grandchildren that he wants to blend family with. You wanna talk about destroy…the day she is accepted by my family is the day I am done with my Daughter and Grandchildren…it’s called respect and loyalty. She can have my ex..no prob but I will fight till the day I die…they are my family. She’s been married 4 times already and has pike antsy of step and half children whatever…..please you people that are trying to sugar coat adultery are a joke and I hope you get a taste of it. Let me know how you enjoy that meal..stupid lowlife people

    • Sasha

      Sorry but I have no sympathy for the other women. It is never good to break up a marriage and regardless of whatever is happening in the marriage, an affair is never ok. Just get a divorce! Why is it so hard for people to do that! My husband had an emotional affair during my midlife crisis. In fairness, I was not easy to deal with. But he was my husband and last time I checked, for better or worse were definitely in our vows. I struggled a lot but found some solace in a book that helped guide me to get through this horrible time. I started to follow the advice of Dr. Robi Ludwig. I saw her on a tv show once and I really appreciated her take on current psychological issues. She has written two books but my favorite book is Your Best Age is Now. I have read it and loved it! I highly recommend it to anyone out there struggling with dealing with midlife. I got hit hard during my 40’s and this book really helped me to become a better version of myself. I am happy to say that my husband and I have worked through our issues.

    • Shabz

      For me , its not really about seeing the other woman as a bitch. I realise she is human too amd has succumbed to a married man. My issue is i wish they would tale responsibility for their actions and realise the damage they have done.

      My question is… why would you want to become close friends with a married person in the first place. Marriages have problems and that is when you always seem to creep in. And talk about the wife like you definetely know her and what she has been thorugh with that man. What she has sacrifced and such. You even get surprosed at her anger. You ralk like she has always been the inly happy one in the marriage and like he has always been perfect and she is evil.

      If she is so evil why can he not leave her fisrt. How dare you say you did not mean it when he obviously left because he knew he had hope from you. Hpw can you caompare what he has with you and what he has woth his wofewhen you are a hot new flame that provides escape from reality at home like responsibility ?

      I will never understand why a single woman would wantbto be “just friends” with married person when everyone in the world and their pet dog knows there is really no such thing as a friendship between two people of the opposite sex. What did you think would happen? They are having marital problems and you are always there to be the fake advisor and friend. What are you expecting?

    • Carolyn

      My story is one that should be made into a movie because it’s too often you hear about it now…

      My ex and I started dating when I was 17 and he was 20. He was a heavy drinker then and I knew it but I was too dumb and young to realize it. We had our fair share of breakups but we always got back together. So, finally as we got a little older and teenage life settled down, we got engaged 8 years later, married the following year, and had our first child the year after that. We still had many ups and downs – mostly due to his drinking and always working all day and night. He worked for his dad’s business during the day and would come home for dinner and then leave again until around 12:30am each night to work on his own business (owning apartments). I dealt with this for 32 years! He would go in spurts with the drinking. Sometimes would stop, sometimes would drink less, and then back to drinking a lot. However, the breaking point came in October 2014 when he was drunk and hit me with only my 13yr old at home. He freaked out and called the cops on my then-husband. They ordered him to stay away from us and our home for the weekend until he could go to court that Monday. The judge ordered a protective order for him to stay away until he would complete alcohol and anger counseling. In the meantime, he stayed in his office of an apartment building right next door to us. He would come around and sleep at home at times and I was dumb enough to let him. He would then get mean again and drink and I would tell him to leave. This went on for a couple of months until he told me he and his friend were going scuba diving in the Philippines for 10 days. You could probably tell ME the rest of this story if I just ended it here… I thought to myself what you are probably thinking right now but would not be able to prove anything. He called me from there and would tell me he loved me and would send pictures, etc. Then, he went back to “another area” of the Philippines to scuba dive the following month for 10 days. Of course that got me going. And, the following month, and the one after and still coming home to me (I’m an idiot). Until I found an investigation firm in the Philippines that I sent money to but they couldn’t locate him at Manila Airport that time. I prayed to God – literally and cried every day to help me find out if he was cheating on me so that he wouldn’t get away with doing this to me (at this time, he still was not allowed to come back home per the judge). The very next day after crying and praying, I went on my email and I swear to you…there was an email for him that was sent to me from an airline booking site. However, I knew he was leaving again and felt it just got emailed to me by accident so I just forwarded it over to his email. Then, I thought to myself, why did I get that email?? I went onto the site and clicked onto ‘My Bookings’ and can you believe it…all I had to enter was my last name and zip code. Honest to God…this is true! It brought up all his next traveling plans to the Philippines which included a hotel with his name and a girl’s from the Philippines! I was instantly sick! I contacted those investigators again because I now knew where he would be staying. I didn’t say anything to him which was a struggle because I wanted him to get caught. The investigators did what they needed to do and sent me photos of them together – not in the hotel room of course, but of them being together in restaurants, on a motorcycle, etc. Well, that was enough for me. The next day I was in my lawyer’s office filing for divorce. I wasn’t brought up this way and I had morals and ethics. No matter how much in love I was with this man, it was over. Needless to say…the girl is 24 and my ex is 53 tomorrow (almost 30 years age difference). I got into his credit card information and his emails and found a name the girl also went by and found her on Facebook and you should see the photos of them together! I found out he gave her an engagement ring after the third month of visiting her which is the same ring he gave me for one of our anniversaries. I’m actually a pretty damn good investigator myself! I found out she was pregnant. That was the killer for me. He insisted after our 4th child that we were done having kids and I had to get my tubes tied while still in the hospital. And, here he was having another child. This is a guy who I gave my whole heart and soul to. We did argue and have ups and downs but I never strayed for one second. Never. I worked, raised our kids, everything to make us a family. I’m not afraid to say it here either…we had sex every single day. I know when that happens it doesn’t always mean anything but that’s what he wanted so that’s what I did. So here we are in February 2017 and we are now divorced (November 2016). He still goes to see her and the baby for 10 days each month but of course they are coming here. Maybe they are already here – I really don’t know. But, he is still living across the street from us in another apartment building he owns. He owns them all over town but has to be across the street from us. After all this time – March 2015 – present, he still has not said one single word to any of our kids about her or the baby. I have told them everything because we don’t want to be surprised one day when they just show up. They are very upset about everything but they haven’t said anything to him either. It’s definitely different around here because our family was very close and did everything together. I don’t think they will accept her or the baby (I hear she’s pregnant again), but we know it’s coming. You can probably imagine the amount of tears I have cried over this. I really thought I was going to die because my heart hurt so bad or that I would be committed because I couldn’t even get out of my bed. I felt bad for my kids because their dad wasn’t here, he had another family, and their mom was losing it. I pulled myself together – I had to, for them. I have never, and would never leave my children to find something better. If I find someone else, they will be a part of who this person is in my life from day one. Of course, just before our divorce I lost my job of 23 years (layoff). 2016 has been the year from hell. Now, I’m doing as best I can to run this household and take care of the kids. Well…they are 23, 20, 18, and 15. The 18 and 15 year olds are at home. The oldest is on his own and the 20 year old is in college. My 18 year old commutes to college and the youngest is in high school. Thank God for them! They have gotten me through so much. I do things with them and talk to them and just hang out with all of them all the time and as much as I can. They told me they will always be here for me no matter what and I love them for that. They are truly my whole world. So, I know about Karma. And, I hope she doesn’t take too long to make an appearance. When you do someone wrong I believe it really comes back to get you. If he didn’t want to be with me anymore, he could have just did it the right way – say it and let’s talk things over about what to do, and divorce. You don’t just go out and cheat on someone that you love or once loved. What do you have to gain by doing that?? That’s just cruel and hurtful. I got checked for any diseases twice! If I had caught anything because of him, I would not be sitting here writing this. I would be in prison. I will never, ever forgive him. Forgive is a strong word that I think only God can do for people. I might get over it and move on from it, but never forgive. I still have my days, but they are getting farther apart. No matter how much I once loved this man with all my heart and no matter what happens, I would never take him back even if he wanted to or begged me to. No way. The pain a person endures from being hurt from something like this is unbearable. I couldn’t even think about him in my life again because imagine the thoughts that would take over my mind every day. Where is he? Who is he with? Is he cheating on me? Does he still love me? Etc…. I could never do that to myself. It’s too bad I spent so many years with him to have it end like this. He traveled across the world to find a young, little girl to prey on. Although I totally blame him, she is the one, that although stays in the Philippines when he is there, travels every month with him to different islands there. She doesn’t work. He has lots and lots of money. He pays for her and the baby and buys them things and is bringing her here where she won’t ever have to work a day in her life. This girl took my life from me too and the retirement with my husband I was looking forward to us having together some day. I contacted her through Facebook once and told her he was married with 4 children and although she didn’t know that, she also didn’t care. So, I will be starting a different life for myself when I get back into the dating scene (again…it’s been 32 years), so that’s a bit scary but I will get to spend the rest of my life with someone who we will love each other endlessly and always. I will make sure of that this time around!

      • Danni

        Your story is excellently written. The heartache caused by people like this is unfathomable, just like trying to understand the infinity of when time began, or when the universe was formed-we are just crushed and in many ways begin to wonder why we were born or why are we here, Is it just to suffer this pain because it overtakes everything else in our lives. Yes, you have your children, their support, the knowledge of their disdain of their father, and how they are torn because he is still their father and the mercenary aspects of his financial situation cannot help impact them and also you indirectly. Because you want your children to be able to get what they need from a man you hate and they may also-yet we must be two-faced. I believe in karma and you sound like a wonderful wife and mother. Your story has some similar facts to a story I know-the man had 3 children and was extremely wealthy-I mean a many times over millionaire-for example an income of 65 million dollars income in 2003. He meet a woman in the Mariannas Islands, also Philippino. He brought her here-they had a baby-the baby was one year old-the man was 53 when he had a massive heart attack and died. The family published an obituary and never mentioned this other woman or the son, an infant child. I saw the woman one time at an event where company employees were present-this man owned the company I worked for-she had a diamond on her finger that looked to be carats numbering in the teens. Maybe it was fake and I don’t think death was his karma-but his years with that other woman numbered about maybe 3 or 3.5. The destruction one person can cause to many others is all too common in this world. If it is any help-doesn’t it seem the way the world is laid out. You and I are not unusual in our broken heart stories-we are the norm. I feel the pain still after five years and wonder if I will die with it, if not from it. I wish you the best and hope you love and are loved by a partner again, or maybe for the first time..

        • Carolyn

          Thank you Danni! I, of course, wish the same for you. I hope neither of us die with this pain or from it although I thought I would. We both deserve so much better. I will never forgive him. Ever. I will leave that up to God. I will never forget it but hope to move past it and start a new life with a new love some day. I wish I had the forsight… All my best to you!!

        • rs

          Hello Danni,

          I pray that you will find your piece! I very well understand your pain and I really hope that one beautiful day your pain WILL fade away. Please be strong and know one thing….a cheater is a person who is weak and has an emptiness inside. Please take care of your self, you are a wonderful person and God loves you so much!
          I pray that you will find happiness one day. Let God come into your life everyday. My spouse is cheating on me with a filippina, most probably she is pregnant and she is having the time of her life in the best hotels with ma husband. She has absolutely no regret and knows she is with a liar and a cheater. What helps me most is that they have no morals and that she will NEVER be better than I. Please think this way too! You are NOT a cheater and a liar….so keep this in mind!

          God bless you!

      • Rosa

        my goodness, how can so much evil exist in this world! Persons who commit such cruel things are filled with the evil spirit…. It is scary and incredible what human beings are able to do! This could of been my own story! My brother in law is with a philippine that is twenty years younger and my husband is following his steps…He is now in the Philippines again and for me he is the most biggest fool of this world. He is destroying his soul for “love” that is paid for! How blind can a man be??? He gives up his home and family, causing deadly pain to his wife and child for a woman who just sees money and sells her own body to a man that is ruining the lives of his family…..and lets be honest ….for MONEY! Do they know what they are doing? How foolish can a man be?Does he really think that this other woman really loves him??? Persons who act with such cruelty never have known what love is….NEVER! Yes we are in unbearable pain but the persons who are really loosing in this are those who are cheating and betraying…..we need to be sad for them because they are empty and destroying themselves……we have the hurting and pain but we must never forget………we have the love of God in our hearts! We still have a heart that is beating in our body,…….but they have lost their hearts…and are loosing eternal life! I understand your pain and anger…..there are days where the pain seems to suffocate me….but then I think…I am not the one loosing…..people who cheat are the ones who need help! They have raped our soul and one day they WILL have to stand for this…..We are living in a fallen world and the evil is doing his job good in trying to destroy as much souls as ever….Please pray and find your home in God….. May we have the honor and the grace to find our love and peace in Gods arms…..My son always says to me….mama one day you will be much happier and be thankfull that you were not the one to commit such cruelness….You may sleep in peace and everyday as you look into the mirror you must see what I see…the most kind and beautiful mother of this world…..And then tears of happiness fill my eyes…. and I say yes…….no other woman in the world is more worthy and beautiful than I am…..my husband is the biggest fool of this world….and does not deserve me…..this is for all of you beautiful woman out there…..you are worhty, kind and BEAUTIFUL! I will pray for my husband who has lost his way……….I have forgiven him…….may he find his way home to God. God bless you all!

        • Carolyn

          I wish you all that your heart desires and deserves. There is nothing like true love and happiness. “Happy” being the key word here. That goes for any situation you are in. Everyone should be happy in their lives no matter what their situation. I do believe that bad things eventually seek out those who have done bad. It’s not wished, but is something that just happens. God wants everyone to do good. Those who do bad don’t follow his ways. I hope you find all the love you deserve!

        • Tasha

          Hi Rosa .. You live by my sentiments exactly.. His lost his way plz god find his way back.. My hubby is finding his way an indirectly his speaking out loud on family chats of our old love n says it still is

      • rs

        so sorry to read your story, so heart breaking but believe me also common! The same thing is happening to me. It is known that the philippines are just waiting for suche catches as pur hisbands. I just keep asking myself, doesn’t a man realise that he is paying for love? How low can a person fall? At the moment my husband is doing the same thing! He or is “girl” because she is at least twenty years younger, are posting their honeymoon in facebook. She is also stating how tastely it is to sleep with a married man’ ! I am so sure that karma will work someday because such wickeness is just unbelievable! You are a strong woman! Your ex could not stay with you beacause your are a level too high for him. You were much too good and he knows this! Believe me!

    • Tasha

      Hi guys I’m so glad over this chat.. We need that supportive u derstandi g
      My hubby was having affairs but I was still the Awsome wife he came home to .. I never found strong proof but after 7 years I left heading for divorce .. I was hurt so I left giving him space for enjoying Wat his busy with. We divorced but still attended function together dinned with kids n he still took care of us financially as I did it want our business to be affected. 3 yrs after the divorce he found out I was dating it upset him but he tried to come around more often ..so he went on a holiday to india an I found out OW went along but still with no proof found I let be.. Wen he got back he became closer to kids n I moved me into a new home dat he frequented over lunch n supper n families reuniting but dats all it was until last December I found pictures of them in india . Wat hurt was a pic at Taj Mahal ???????????? I confronted him an he said I left him .. But dat was 3 yrs ago n in the past.. Let’s put the past behind us n start afresh. He loves me n the kids more dan life .. I have told him this time I’m not accepting nonsence I will attack..
      But it kills me everyday to know he was honeymooning on holiday with her an especially Taj Mahal..
      Plz plz Telme Wat you guys think
      Ow has never left her family for him she just milks him as she’s a banker an he was the client

    • Cj

      My ex cheated on me with my friend. It hurt at the time but eventually I realized he wasn’t meant for my life. I’m friendly with her now, we’re not best friends but she treats my son well and I respect her. He cheated on me because we had issues and she fell in love with him because they clicked and there were major gaps in our relationship that allowed him and her to emotionally bond. Cheating is a symptom not a cause of a bad relationship. Time heals but not all cheaters are horrible people that set out to hurt. Sh*t happens and people need to realize that hurt can sometimes be a growth opportunity.

      • Maisy

        Your comments were rationale and helpful. I believe if you haven’t already you will find someone with whom to build the kind of relationship you deserve. Best of luck!!

    • rs

      So sorry to hear all these heartbreaking stories. After 20 years of marriage I have been cheated on….and my spouse is still cheating. He is having a hot blown affair with a Philippine that could be his daughter. Of course at the beginning he denied everything, played the victim and tried to convince everyone how innocent he is and what a bad wife he had. What I have learnt in all of this is there is absolutely no excuse for a cheater to cheat….It does not give anyone the right to cheat and hurt the other spouse. Persons who do such a cruelful act is because they are very selfish, have no self esteem, no self respect and most of all they have lost God in their heart. When one falls in cheating they have entered a circle of evilness and lies and of course they have lost their soul.I feel sorry for these persons because it shows a lot of weakness and how they are made inside. Of course all cheaters are not so horrible, but this is very rear. Most cheaters do not have guilt, the more they continue to cheat the more they think it is normal to do so and the guilt fades away with time…..so very sad. To all those that have been betrayed in, please do NOT give your self the blame. Of course we all have our mistakes, but cheating is a choice made from the cheater, NOT your choice. It hurts so much and the pain is devastating but please never forget, the persons loosing in all of this are the cheaters!

    • Cr

      I met my husband now through a mutual school event. We both were married, and we had an affair. We soon after the divorces got married. We both lost our kids along with everything else in the divorce. Rightly so.. All I can say is I completely agree with this post. While my husband now hasn’t cheated on me it is a constant worry that he will since Karma is a bitch and he worries the same about me. We did destroy both of our families, and no matter what I will always be known as the OW that ruined everything even though all the children admit both of us are happier now than we were in our previous relationships and we get along really good with all the kids. But it has not come without its severe struggle. the same issues arise in this marriage that we both had before (I.e, communication, finances, stress, sex, etc.) and we are having to deal with them now. Universal issues in relationships do not go away with a new partner. THe same frustrations that made us want to cheat now come up since the “honeymoon” is over. When you have an affair and get married you are not a single family as it was before. You do not get to have your spouse to yourself. It’s his family and your family, not your family together. You have to reap the consequences of your affair. Take responsibility for it. Stop making it seem like it’s ok just because things are going good. What we did was not ok and the things we’ve had to endure are all a result of the affair we had. I know because any time one of the kids get upset they blame their problems on the affair and how dad is not there anymore. He did choose me over them. I chose him over mine. It’s been 5 yrs and it’s still hard. And no matter how good things get, we will always be pegged the adulterers. And the kids paid the price. IT WAS NOT WORTH IT!!! But all you can do is work hard to make the best of what’s left and hope to God your kids do not follow in your footsteps. Just know that if you have kids you will forever have to deal with the Ex. and a bitter ex is a fierce thing to behold. And in your marriage to the person you cheated with you have to work 100% harder on all the issues since you didn’t bother to do the damn work in your previous marriage. if I could say anything to anyone trying to justify their affair just because things seem good it would say give it some time… yes God does forgive and give you second chances and can make it work but you’re fooling yourself if you think it’s that easy….
      While I’m happier now than I have ever been I also have never been through more hell in my life as I have been in the last 5 yes. And I would not wish the pain I went through on anyone nor would I wish the struggle I deal with trying to find my place in this family.

      • Brinze

        Congrats on being honest. You understand what repentance is. As the betrayed wife, I can have a heart for you because you let down any pride to speak truth. It’s all we ever want. You may actually deter someone from walking the path you did. Thank you.
        You say you’re the happiest these last years. I hope that’s true for you, but I’m doubting that. You’re on the right track though. Keep your heart an open book before God. He delights in showing mercy.

    • Nancy

      I was amazed to learn that the married man I had been involved with for close to five years had a wife that was completely aloof to his cheating. She stated that she wanted to let him choose who he wanted to be with because she felt I was trying to pursue him, which wasn’t the case. She was completely calm an