By “TryingToGetOver”
One of the most frustrating parts of recovery is having about a million things you want to say to the person who stole your spouse’s attention. None of those things are nice. None of them would help the situation. But boy, would you like to get them off your chest!
I’m one year past the day I realized that my husband and his AP had taken their relationship underground. It’s triggering, as all anniversaries are. My husband knows how I feel, so there is little left to say to him that isn’t just me repeating myself. But to her? I’d like to tell her to her face that, since she is a woman who set out to hurt another woman, I consider her the lowest of the low. That since she is a mother who tried to destroy another family, she will disgust me forever. I want to tell her that she is the first and only enemy I have ever had. I want to shame and embarrass her the way she humiliated me and brought me low.
And I find myself playing fantasies in my head about other things I would like to say to her face. The rants in my mind are ugly and non-printable. Sometimes, I can very viscerally imagine how satisfying it would be to slam her head into a brick wall. I’ve imagined coming across her car and putting a baseball bat through the window. I’ve probably imagined kicking her in the teeth at least as many times as my husband imagined kissing her.
I’m not an aggressive or violent person, and I’m sure I’d lecture my children that they should not hit back unless absolutely necessary for self-defense. But there is something about the betrayal of the affair that really sends my anger to another level. I am afraid, if I do come across her, that I will actually punch her—that I’d have an out-of-body experience and throw her to the ground. I pray, then, that we never meet again and that my fears won’t be tested.
I admit I have great fun reading the revenge fantasies people post on this site, even if we all agree that revenge would solve nothing. Obviously, most of our revenge fantasies would only make things much worse. Revenge would make us look bad, if not land us in jail!
Besides, time generally takes care of revenge for us. People who do ugly deeds have them come back to haunt them. Those of us who rise above that fray lead happier lives, which is the best revenge of all.
In the meantime, the appropriate person to keep talking to is our spouse. If he or she has broken all contact with the AP, that means we won’t be having contact with that person either. All the insults we’d like to hurl have to go unsaid, and all the revenge actions we’d like to take have to remain fantasies.
What we can do is rebuild our marriages. But if anyone wants to post a wacky revenge fantasy for me to giggle over, feel free! I love that we have this safe space to at least vent to each other.
(Thanks so much to “TryingToGetOver” for sharing her experiences with us – again. We love to share articles from our readers. So if you’d like to submit an article for us to possibly post on the blog, feel free to contact us about your ideas.)
Arm yourself with a variety of techniques, practical strategies and knowledge to help you to manage those intrusive thoughts, triggers and memories of your partner’s affair.
34 replies to "Revenge Fantasies – All the Things I Want to Say"
Oh do or should say did, i have fantasies. Also to say i think these fantasies are helpful even cathartic. While i will reiterate for the millionth time the true blame is 100% square on the shoulders of our spouses. But the OP played a role. They were not innocent bystanders. In a court they would be considered aiding and abetting a criminal. And i do see cheating as a crime since where these cheating there’s also financial embezzlement to the marital contract.
Oh i fantasized. You all know those 2 AM sleepless nights. We lie awake torn between sadness and utter rage. We cry tears but make no noise. And then our brains go into overdrive. Or we are simply doing our day to day mundane tasks cleaning the toilet, washing their clothes wondering if we are laundering their previous days cheaters clothes!! And off we go.
When i couldn’t bear the pain anymore I’d contemplate getting a gun, no i don’t own a gun nor have no idea how to even shoot one without offing myself in the process, and going to her house. I’m pushing her back into the house and making her talk. I’m screaming every opinion i have about her. I make her beg for her life. And then i put her out if her misery!! Yep those are my deepest darkest fantasies. And i found once i was through I’d come back to reality and think “well that was fun, now go to sleep”. Or add more bleach to that wash!!!
In fact i did get to enact some revenge. I found out she was cheating on her unemployment and i turned her in. She had to repay all her benefits to the tune of 10k!! That felt awesome. She had to take on another job in retail to pay it. I’d go in that store just to rub it in with my presence. I never uttered a word to her. I just smiled like a Cheshire Cat. In the end Karma took care of her. She died a miserable death. I feel bad for her family but i hope she’s rotting in hell!
TH, I agree with you 100% of blame is on my husband. He made the promises to me and lied to my face through the years. However I felt so many different emotions that women would do this to another woman in the greater good sense. Obviously these women have huge issues personally to do what they did. They both knew my husband’s situation and he never hid that he was married with kids. He said there was no discussion about their future, no gifts, no love, etc. I am not sure what they were in it for unless they hoped for those things. I really did want the worst for them. I dreamed about vandalizing their homes and cars, confronting them in front of others including their workplace etc. I also thought about calling or writing. I seriously considered that. Then over time I realized if they did what they did I did not want to give them any more of my time. They already took enough from me and my family. I used to believe in karma and that they would get it in the end. Who knows what is really going on in anyone’s life but by all accounts they got through it unscathed. I just feel like more than ever people can say and do whatever they want with zero remorse or just deny their actions. Sound familiar lately… And in the end you are right I focused all of my efforts on me, my husband and kids. Anything else is a distraction and noise.
Hopeful–I totally agree 100% with everything you said. Yes YES focus on YOU and not your cheater and certainly NOT the AP!!! YES YES YES. And then….
LOL it’s human nature or something that is left over from our very primitive past with regards to that tiny part in our brains that says I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!! And of course it’s foolish to even consider. But I think stuffing it down is the wrong thing to do. I say ride that anger wave for a while. Have those stupid fantasies and also have the intelligence to understand they can and must stay fantasies! Because like TTGO those things we fantasize about probably leads to jail or at the very least a cop comes knocking on your door telling you to knock it off. Not a funny scene either way.
LOL I remember one time when the OW was still alive, she crossed in front of my car at the crossing as she was going into the store that was her second job. I was coming back from the grocery store which was in the same strip center as her store. It was dark, and cold, and rainy. It could have been such a convenient “accident”. I thought it was very thoughtful of me to stop and let her pass unscathed 🙂 🙂 🙂 AND I look terrible in orange jumpsuits.
Mine is sending all the obscene emails that my husband’s cousin sent to him (where she described in great detail all the things she was going to do to him) to her daughter, to her sister, and to my husband’s sister who all have no idea what this evil woman did. It WILL become reality should I see any trace of her again!!
Before D day in July, while I was away for a week, ‘She’ actually stayed at our home a couple of times. Our teenage son was here so I believe my H when he says they didn’t ‘do it’ here. She slept on the couch. And one time -as H & S were leaving for work and school- H offered her the bed. Yes, ‘she’ literally slept in our bed and that really p’s me off. Anyway, knowing she had stayed here, I kept finding her belongings almost everywhere in the home ????. I took immense pleasure in destroying every single item. The most fun I had was with her spandex leggings. First I cut holes in them then, I thought they looked a little too black so I put bleach in a bottle with a dropper and wrote the most vile things on them. It was quite gratifying-almost sadistic- to watch the bleached areas slowly morph into what looked like the handwriting of a serial killer. Oh and the things I wrote! Ha-ha! Think i could make a porn star blush!
I have revenge fantasies! Of course they’re only fantasies and would never do any of it. But I dream of grabbing the OW by her hair and dragging her across a parking lot. Then pounding her bleach blonde head into the pavement. I imagine throat punching her several times. I have all kinds of words to yell at her and they’re sure not nice Christian words. I’d love to ask her what in the hell was she thinking as she sent naked pics to my husband. Shoot I still want to yell things at him too! I’m just glad I’m not alone in having fantasies! 😉
It’s weird. Even before the discovery of my wife’s affair, I subconsciously must have known in my gut. I announced to her one morning, “If you are seeing another man be sure to tell him that I will kill him when I find him.” As I glue things together in retrospect that’s when my wife ended the affair. Discovery Day came several weeks later. When I found out who he was I phoned him wanting answers. I left a message and requested a call back (ha). Of course he never called me back. It’s probably all the same.
Here now it’s 8 months later. Weirdly, that affair is perhaps the best thing that happened to our relationship. Massive changes in our marriage have occurred and we believe it’s the strongest it’s ever been. I forgave her early on but trust has been the greater challenge.
Fortunately my wife has and is doing everything to earn that back. She truly is the love of my life through thick or damn thin. I too am hers.
Besides the temporary period of lies and deception, my wife has way more redeeming qualities. It was a lapse and no one on the planet is free from faults and fuckups.
For better or worse was the promise we made 28 years ago. I’m going to hold on to that tight. This was a horrific “for worse” and it has taught us both some critical lessons. It’s been hard work with counseling, hard talks, reading, and realizations but it’s been worth the extreme effort in our case. Two helpful books for our healing have been The Five Love Languages and Chatting or Cheating. Both offer fixes and are available on Amazon. Good luck. ????
I can relate to all of these replies! I have had dark murder fantasies. I have destroyed things that had anything to do with her, even burned a picture. Okay I have never considered hitting her with a car, but that’s only because the opportunity never came up 🙂 SideSwiped, I SO admire your attitude. I am sure your ability to forgive (if not forget and trust) is what is making your union stronger.
Since I first wrote this post I have been nurturing a new fantasy of reaching out to the AP’s spouse. In my fantasy conversation we commiserate and he explains that his wife is a very sick person but he loves her. My fantasy seems so possible that I am tempted to actually reach out, since he and I have remained Facebook friends while we blocked her and the guys unfriended each other. BUT the reality of me talking to him could play very differently: He may despise my husband for obvious reasons, or he might play it all off as a midlife crisis and make me feel small. So I don’t write.
I guess I want “closure” but the logical part of my brain knows that reaching out in any way just drags the whole thing on, it doesn’t shut the door.
O this is so spot on! What I have envisioned is literally pulling her hair out of her head. I’m not at all sure where this came from, but it has been one of my thoughts since d day. I think it may have to do with thinking it would be something that quite possibly could feel as torturing as the pain she’s caused me has felt. I’ve also thought about sending a memo to all her fellow coworkers, sending her a beautiful bouquet of flowers laced with things like poison ivy and sumac. Again misery and in this case, she still lives with her parents (at 34, don’t get me started…), so it would spark some conversation and maybe bring her to a place where she would have to deal with reactions to what she’s done…
Like you said, I’m not someone who is at all aggressive or mean, and this whole situation has caused me to think things I’d never imagine…
She actually DID die? What a beautiful favor she did to you!!! My revenge was posting her name and location on “She’s a Homewrecker”….she lives in another country and doesn’t speak English, so she might never see it, but I did and so did my husband…
just curious… what is “She’s a Homewrecker” and how do I find it?
Kittypone–I don’t know if you are asking me or not, but yes the OW did physically die!! Apparently she was diagnosed with some really rare cancer and was being aggressively treated for it. She had many many complications from the treatment. Then around 2 weeks before she died one doctor found that she’d been misdiagnosed and could be treated much differently but it was too late. The chemo, surgeries and her addiction to opioids took a toll on her and she died a painful death. It really is sad. She was in her mid 50’s and has a family. No I didn’t wish it on her and even if I had my wishes are NOT that powerful otherwise I’d be a lottery winner. So I feel NO guilt of her dying.
In fact no, I’d have wished she found someone who could be there for her and make her happy. I’d have wished she wasn’t such a loser opportunist that was willing to hurt others for a job and extra spending money. I’d have wished that she learned that using sex to get what she wants is never the answer. I’d have wished she could have evolved into a decent human being and not a burden on society and her family. She really was a pathetic creature here on earth. She had a pathetic existence and I find that very very sad. Even sadder than dying.
When I was in-between D-days (finding out about an emotional affair, and then being gaslighted that it was over, and then finding out it was an ongoing physical affair on final D-day) I used to have short little fantasies about slamming my husband’s head into the wall, or picking up one of his free weights and throwing it at his head!! It really scared me because I’ve never had violent thoughts like that before in my life. But it was such a frustrating time, and my mind was confused, conflicted and in denial.
The fantasies I’ve had about her are mostly verbal. She’s always posting on Facebook about Kindness and Family and spiritual posts and bible verses… such a hypocrite!! And all her friends think she’s just so sweet and perfect, and I have to stop myself from leaving comments like “Nice words coming from a Homewrecking Whore!” or if I see a pic of her with someone, I want to leave them a message warning them to not leave their husband alone with her.
I had to stop my 23 year old daughter from mailing her a bag of human waste (apparently, there is a website where you can order this and it comes anonymously to them. But she would’ve known who it was from!) I love thinking about that, though, but I wouldn’t do it!
Also I have read that there are certain states that have a law where you can actually sue the other women for stealing your husband’s affection… can’t remember the name of it, but I looked it up and unfortunately my state wasn’t one of them. I might have looked into that one!!
At one point, I considered sending her a letter, but as many of you have stated I realize it is better just to move on with my life and try to delete her from it as much as possible!
My fantasies are more in the line of “do-overs” … mostly, I wish I had had the guts to tell my H to leave as soon as I found out about the EA. Whether he would have gone or not is immaterial. I think it would have put an end to things right then and there and saved me (us) a lot of hellishness. I would have put a marker in the ground – her or me, NOW. I was far too nice, too understanding, too weak. I felt like I was fighting for our marriage alone. I believe that if I had taken a stand right away, he would have “woke up” from the fog sooner.
I did things that I am frankly very happy I did – confronted her face-to-face; walked into a bar that I knew the two of them were at and confronted them; met with her for a very revealing 2 hours. But, if i had all of those circumstances to do over again, I would have handled them differently, maybe … some things I wish I would have said play over and over again in my mind. And, the night I found out about the affair, I wish I would have taken a different path when I was out looking for him. One more block in my panicked drive, and I would have found the two of them together in my H’s car. I fantasize (too much) about what I would have done if I came upon the two of them cozied up together. I envision that I would have walked up to the probably-fogged-up windows, knocked, and said something pithy or, once I figured out that they were in the car together, I would call 911 and said that someone is having a heart attack/someone is in trouble or being held against their will. Basically, create a shit-show.
Thanks TryingToGetOver. I’ll also say that none of this has been easy and, like everyone else here, my reality has been shaken to the core. What’s real and what’s not is always a question in the background. I’m not a violent person and the statement I made of revenge or threat would never come to pass. Perhaps it did have an impact but who knows for sure. Good luck in your healing. ????
Wenja–Google it. It’s a revenge website. You will actually get quite a laugh at it 🙂
Hey Doug…..I’ve noticed that the side panel option that said ‘comments’ is no longer on the site. Is this something you’ve permanently taken off or will it be coming back? I really like it as it allows me to keep up on recent comments.
Thanks.
Thanks for the heads-up Sidney. I have no clue how that disappeared! I placed that back on the site, so please let me know if you can see it or not. Thanks!
Yes, it’s back!! Thanks!!
Great. Thanks!
Hi Doug
It disappeared again on the most recent post….gotta love technology!!
Don’t you though?!! Thanks SI. I think I’ve discovered the root of the problem. But please let me know if you see them disappear again. Thanks!
Oh my fantasies…..
I use to want revenge for everything after Dday. I know the mistress changed jobs because my daughter worked with her and told her that she forgave her and never wanted to see her again. The mistress reputation was hit hard, and she ran as fast as she could to another company so that she didn’t have any potential conflicts. I’m past revenge fantasies 2.5 years later. Because in retrospect with everything that happened with the affair and aftermath I think the words I said to her when we spoke after the truth came out was most impactful for the situation. I reminded her of a evening where she told me that when the complete truth is known my husband will die a lonely man. I actually told her that ironic part is that it will be her that dies a lonely woman because the truth is completely known. I also told her she was an idiot, a fool, and a cruel person because she gave 16-17 years of her life to man who doesn’t love her and wasted her youth in a relationship that was unfulfilled and emotionally damaging to other people, innocent children, her own child and herself.
From what I know now she has no friends, no social engagements, works 60-80 hours a week and her son who’s father is my H spends more time with teenage friends and at my house than he does with her. I hear updates from her son, and of course I hear her voice muffled on the phone when she does call him while he’s with me. Her son also hasn’t really talked to his own mother since he found out the truth 2.5 years ago. He’s angry at her for the lies, especially to find out his own childhood was not as it seemed I’ve wiped his tears, I’ve seen the disappointment, frustrations. He has anxiety, panic attacks and wants a family. Its heartbreaking the lack of responsibility and respect I see in her. It’s very complicated and delicate as my own therapist calls it.
In 2 years he will be 18. College bound….. I don’t have to get revenge, it’s already in the hands of fate and the universe. I see it now based on what information a 15 year old boys tells me. As a mother who only has the one child, no companion, works to avoid looking at her sons eyes, I know the feeling of ur child leaving you and finding your own journey afterwards. It’s painful because I did it this year when my daughter joined the Navy. I’m glad I have my husband to share that with, doesn’t mean we aren’t full of complications ourselves working through recovery and discovery in this journey.
My H has no contact with her. The first year was a nightmare with working boundaries, co-parenting, child support, visitation etc. now he’s 15 almost 16. Much is different. My H discovered that when affairs end and women use children as weapons it makes the affair fantasy change to nightmares. The co-parenting is complicated as it is because she’s used the son as a weapon for 14 of his 15 years to keep the lies and affair going. It all ended in a flash with Dday and a 3 month separation from me , a filing for divorce that was going to wipe him out financially due to the state we reside in, that was rescinded and lots of marriage counseling.
It’s a very complicated story, very painful situation and in truth….. I know today I reap the rewards because the lies along with a language barrier have emotionally disconnected herself from her own child and my real revenge fantasy is that I can’t wait for the day her grandchildren talk about all the awesome things they do with me in front of her and her knowing that she is still unhappy and alone.
E
Revenge is not the correct verb towards a person who means you harm. Defense, Retribution and Justice is more like it!
When someone intentionally harms you, and let’s face it, anyone who is willingly involved in an affair of any type, intentionally means harm to the betrayed by taking/undermining/invading a relationship they have no right meddling in.
They know what they are doing will destroy lives, they are adults, not some mindless slug, even though we all might picture them as such. And to think that they get some sort of sexual high out of it? It’s sickening.
I have no qualms of being named the “evil wife”. After all isn’t that what all APs think even though some would never admit it? Or is it weak or crazy of which my husband’s Skank was well warned. My husband told her I would destroy her if I found out. He was right. And I’ve sent her a list of what I’m capable of doing so she won’t say she wasn’t warned. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is the fact that she has already lost and it would also harm my husband. My husband is with me not her. He never had any intentions of leaving and she had better be thanking her lucky stars I’m opting to stay and work on my marriage. I have my justice, for now! And she had better pray for the rest of her life, it stays that way! She made a huge mistake the day she decided to start an EA with my husband. This wife has absolutely no fear, nor do I feel compassion or forgive those I do not love and would intentionally cause me and my family harm.
A friend once said to me “Woman, when it comes to the people you love being harmed, you answer the door with both barrels loaded”. Well, I thought that’s exactly what anyone would do. I know for myself, it is exactly what I do and will do if that parasite comes lurking around spreading her disease into my family and my life ever again.
Take care!
Whoa Soulmate!! You are a girl after my own heart!!! Yep i scared the crap out of OW and she paid with the consequences of sticking her greedy nose in MY business and MY family. H was stupid enough to let her until he got sick of her. And i agree with everything you said.
Tryhard, my H now calls her the Skank. And says it was a sick time in his life and my continued talking and asking him about it further sickens him. Retribution is ever given straight out of his mouth, remorse, and now his anger towards the slug for letting himself be weak and allow her into his life soothes my soul. But, I still would squash that parasite like the putrid slug she is if I ever see her anywhere near my H ever again.
Well,
For the most part I don’t have to deal with the stupid lying slug( which I like that term) because she gains nothing from being around except emotional pain. Believe me she knows what I can do to her and I have told her if she wanted to mess around I would make it harder for her in everything that she holds dear. I only care that she continues no contact and doesn’t try to weasel her shitty soul back into my H’s life considering he’s so much of better man without Her in his life or meddling with his children and family. So far, so good.
Everything regarding her son with my H is done through courts and because his son old enough there isn’t a need for contact.
I don’t need revenge as long as she stays far away from my family because she knows what I can do to her and I wouldn’t hesitate to make her life more miserable if I needed too. As long as she doesn’t meddle in child visitation or make trouble in anyway I won’t be pushed to making her have deeper pain than I’m sure she’s in. Lol—— evil revenge fantasy in my head right now.
E,
It seems your revenge is that her son has rejected her and clings to you. How very lucky he is to have a person like you who is selfless enough to put your own feelings aside and find compassion in your heart for his situation.
It has to be the worse case scenario when a woman would anchor herself to a married man by bringing a child into their hell.
The poor kid. I can’t imagine what he is thinking and how it will eventually impact his life.
Thankfully he is wanted and loved by you.
Peace!
I actually went and egged her house and car one night! It was totally juvenile but felt soooo good!!
I have no regrets at all out of worrying the hell out of the other woman. She knew what she was into with my husband for 4 years. He often brought me beautiful flowers after D-day, and I’d wait til they were really dead and then mail them to her with a note that I thought she might like to share his beautiful flowers to celebrate D-day with me. I told her we were forever connected and I’d never leave her. I wouldn’t recommend doing this type of revenge as it’s probably mail fraud or something (and I only did it a couple of times), but it helped me in the moment. I also wrote her a few times telling her exactly what I thought of her. She lives in our same state but a few hours away. She knew I knew where she lived, and she has never tried to contact me. I kind of wished she had and I consider her the worst kind of coward because didn’t.
Wow! I email the skank too and texted her and called her on DDay. But never thought of sending her dead flowers! That was Awesome! Wished I would have thought of that!