This week’s question for our group discussion is a topic that has come up recently in some of the comments we’ve received:
Would you confront your spouse’s affair partner after finding out about their marital affair? If so, what would (did) you say or do? What was the outcome and the reaction from the other person? Should the other person be confronted in the first place?
We would also like to hear if there are any of you who are the other person and were confronted by the spouse of your affair partner. What happened and how did you react? Did it make a difference in your relationship with your affair partner?
Again, please feel free to reply to each other in the comments. Each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident.
69 replies to "Open Discussion: Would You Confront the Other Person?"
I did text my wifes other man.
After I found out, I blocked his number from calling her phone. But she continued to talk to him every day when she wasn’t around me. Weekends as she was out shopping. Weekdays on her way to work. So on and so on. This bugged me big time. And I couldn’t take it.
One night I created a free email account and sent a text to his phone. It started as a anonymous text. And he bragged about how he thought it might be one of the “wifes” he had been sleeping with. But as I text more he figured it out. That’s when he knew how to push my buttons.
He jabbed at me with the fact that she continued to call him every day. And how I was pushing her away to him. And then he said something that hurt. Something so evil that I understood how little respect he had for my wife. Stuff I won’t even repeat.
At that point I was so upset. I replied “what would your wife think of this if I emailed this conversation to her”. He didn’t reply anymore. I do have his wifes number. Thank you facebook for that and that only. Thats when I went and woke up my wife and said this has got to end. I showed her the emails.
This didn’t exactly work.
A few days later she was sending him messages on facebook. I happened to be checking her email at that time, and his replies came up as notifications on her email. So I logged in to FB and retrieved a few of her messages. She says she was pissed and wanted to yell at him. But her messages didn’t sound that way.
So all and all I think it helped. Because I knew his intentions and I wasn’t going to let the communication continue. But has it completely ended. I don’t feel that in my heart. She still hasn’t made an effort to make me believe it. I don’t have that trust in her yet.
I waited a while before confronting the other person but I did….a few times. She was a semi family friend. She had made it clear from the begining that she was not really interested in being friends with me as much as she was with my husband.
I called her and asked what her intentions were with my husband. She asked me if I had talked to him about it…you know….the normal. She insisted that she was not going to leave her husband for mine. She admitted having feelings for him and asked me what I would do if someone confessed thier feelings for me. I told her that I would tell them I was flattered but married. We spoke for a while, she was very grown up and insisted that she encouraged him to work on his marraige if there was anything there.
I got a call about two days later from her telling me that she told him that she would back off “as much as he wanted” and that she was encouraging him to see if there was anything there with me.
A while down the road, when it was still dragging on, He had “left” me and she was still at home with her family, I called to confront her about stringing him along.
Suffice it to say, none of the conversations went over well with my husband. No matter what I had no right to contact her and it was none of my business as he had left me. A couple of times I had threatened to call her husband but never really got up the nerve and by the time I did he had already caught them a couple days before.
None of this did any good for my relationship with my husband and in fact did more damage. This woman came up and told him that with all that I said, she could not phathom why I would want to be with him. She would not say what I said, just that it was so HORRIBLE that she didn’t understand my need or want to be with him.
All of that was complete bull. My husband is not an easy person to live with, he has his issues. I did make it clear that if she could not handle them then she should back off because I could. I did not go into too much detail and as I told my husband, if she thought anything I said was so horrible then they are in trouble because I only spoke the truth and it really wasn’t bad.
In hind sight I think that the thing I would have done differently would have been to stop after that first converstation. She did need to know that I was aware, she did need to know that I was on to her but in my emotional distress and instability I believe I went to far and drew it out to long.
Now I see that this person is very dramatic and will blow everything up and out of proportion. She has just gotten worse since he moved out with her almost two months ago. She is very dramatic about everything and makes a small thing, a huge issue.
I don’t know if I can save my marraige. I see glimmers for a couple days, but then he gets distant and quiet for a few days after that. Take this weekend…had a great weekend. He was home for almost all of it. He didn’t seem like he wanted to leave on Sunday night…he left very late. Then Monday he was distant and quiet and has been that way most of the week. I am hoping that just being patient and letting him figure himself out will work in my favor this time. I don’t push the issue, I only talk about it when talked to about it. I think that is working for now.!
Giving Up, Thanks for sharing. I can see where offering too much information can work against you in these situations. Is it possible that your husband was quiet and distant because he is having problems with the OW?
I never confronted the OW, my husband had an EA and the OW’s husband found out and told me. My Husband was devastated that this happened and he is very remorseful and doing everything right since then. I am being the wife that I hadnt been for 6 out of the last 18yrs. But the OW did try to contact me. I ignored her. As far as I am concerned whatever she believes the EA was she can take it to the grave with her. It was between them. I won’t give her the satisfaction of an apology. I am trying my best to move forward. Any contact with her would only hurt me more. I think I have been hurt enough.
Last2know, Thanks for the comment and welcome! I like your attitude! So do you think the OW wanted to contact you to apologize or for some other reason?
Kudo’s to you Last! I commend you for your ability to separate yourself and not dig for information. I wish it was something I could have done. I know our situations are very different, but I still wish I could have shown a bit of restraint!
I think it has a lot to do with your personality. I am, what I have called, an “information junkie”. When faced with something I don’t know or can’t rationalize, I dig for information. I’m a very analytical person. I reason out things that on the surface have no reason. I compile information. Sort through it and give reasons for my deduction.
Now this can and has been hard to do when the person I’m trying to figure out is an emotional, free flowing kind of person. Like my wife. I can’t pin a reason for what she does. Because a lot of times its not based on real facts. But more of where she let her emotions take her. And this frustrates me to the point that it frustrates her.
i did not confront the other woman, though i fantasized about it. i realized that really, it would give me nothing, no closure, no answers, and would probably just make me feel worse. not to mention, as vulnerable as i was feeling, i didn’t want her to see that vulnerability and possibly use it to make me feel worse – women can be so mean to each other sometimes, you know? however, i did write her a letter, and submitted it to http://www.sothere.com. it was posted last week, and i have to say, seeing my words to her posted in such a public way was cathartic, even if she’ll never see it. though i’ll admit there’s a part of me that debated addressing her by both her first and last names in the opening of the letter….she strikes me as the type that googles herself constantly, and what a surprise that would have been…..
Katrina, That’s a great way to get your feelings off your chest without actually confronting the other person. Great idea!
Katrina,
Thanks for turning me on to that. I think I might have to use it. I know emailing this woman would do nothing but having what I need to say out there would help me. I also searched your name and I read what you wrote. Very elliquent and articulate. I thought you showed class and tact. I only hope I can be the same way with my submission.
It always could mean that. I guess we will see. We have had lots of conversations about how she is too dramatic about everything, how she spins everything he says, but he still stays. He has said that thier relationship is on the rocks, but that even if they break up he is not coming home right away. I understand that, I do.
Right now it is a privacy issue. He wants more privacy. When all of this started I was tracking his emails and his phone calls and he was extremely disturbed by that and felt that I had no right to look or to snoop and I was not giving him any privacy.
So he gives me little bits of information but not enough to discern what is going on. I am slowly but surely earning his trust back (I know that sounds so backwards but baby steps here, baby steps) to where he knows that I am finally emotionally stable enough to talk to and know that I am not going to blurt anything out to anyone. And I try not to pry and let him volunteer any informaiton he gives me.
He worries that I have enough information (and he is probably right) that I could single handedly destroy their relationship. But that would not do me any good in the long run so there is no way I am betraying his trust to further my own agenda. My own agenda would be better served to be the one he can rely on you know?
Giving Up, For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing things the right way by backing off like you are.
Honestly, I don’t know and could care less now (it’s been 6 months). Recently I had a trigger with certain words. My H used 2 words that I never used to describe certain parts of my body. We all have pet names for our parts. It drove me crazy for a couple of days until I confronted H with it, he didn’t know
what to say….we both know where it came from. Then he used the word “Soul mate” a couple of days later while we were discussing another friend of ours. I didn’t even know he knew that word. I asked where he heard that word he couldn’t answer right away so I knew then where he had heard it. I sent the true definition of “soulmate” and told him that in my “next life” I will be with Jesus Christ. I was somewhat naive before this all happened. Not anymore. Thank you for this forum I really needed it.
Last2know, I know that there are many “triggers” that exist for folks out there like you mention. Linda and I have several friends/acquaintances that have the same name as the person I had my EA with, and every time their name is mentioned, I can’t help but feel Linda cringe.
It a bad day.
Yesterday kinda sucked.
I came across something yesterday. One more thing that she failed to tell me. Hid from me. Is lying about. And I can’t help but wonder. How many more things am I going to find. This hurts so bad. I love my wife. I think she loves me.
Every time I find something new, I’m back to square one. She doesn’t know how. She doesn’t want to learn how to. She doesn’t care enough to want to. She is afraid of. Getting better.
I sit here hurting as she left for work. The most important thing in her life. She goes to work to hide from talking things out. She went to work the Monday after I found out. She goes to sleep to keep from talking. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I’m sick to my stomach with fear for my future.
The fact that she puts every thing away and gives nothing to anyone. Well maybe except him. Just hurts me inside. She does things and shows me that she is here and that she loves me. But she won’t finish what she started when she made her bad choices. She won’t work on what got us here. She doesn’t want to get better.
Michael, Sorry to hear of your bad day. I don’t mean to pry, but was this new discovery something she failed to tell you from a past event, or is it something new that she has done or said? I think that I mentioned that I sort of released information in chunks to Linda. One of my many mistakes, for sure. She needs to open up. It isn’t good for either one of you. Easier said than done, I know.
Hi Michael
Same thing just happened to me today – I discovered that my husband has accepted an invitation to join the OW’s network (and not told me about it). Then that he set up a profile on Bebo in 2006 and showed himself as ‘not saying’ when it came to his relationship status and of course his only ‘friend’ on Bebo is the OW. Seems that he hasn’t been back on the site for a while but it doesn’t stop the rage and anger and sadness I feel right now. He’s just phoned me, he’s on his way back from a trip and he sounds happy and I just want to cry.
with my latest discovery I know I’ve hit bottom. I held nothing back. And I am done trying to make my marriage work on my own.
My discovery was this Sunday. And as much as she wants to say “but that was then” it doesn’t change the fact that I found out this Sunday. It was one of the direct questions I asked her the last time, about the time of the post on this page.
I was already hurt. I was already mad. I was already ashamed of myself. Why hide more that may, and always seems to, eventually come out. It only prolongs the pain. It only pushes back the healing.
I’m done with the “I didn’t want to hurt you” answers. I’m there and she is too. I know she probably has another email or facebook account or whatever. Maybe she hasn’t used it in a while. Maybe she is over him. Maybe she’s not. If she was she would have let this stuff go so we could move on. Because as it sits we haven’t gotten any better than we were 6 months ago.
I told her its in her hands now. And I see us as just roommates with benefits. Its her turn to change things for the better. Its her turn to decide what she wants. And make it happen.
Michael, I think that is a good “strategy” for you to take. You have done nothing but give over these last several months, and she has not offered much in return. She needs to prove her love and desire to you.
Oh yeah, there are several people in our family with that name it happens to me all the time. We all worked at the same company and this all happened after I left. I never really knew her just knew who she was. Other friends that I have that still work there are triggers for me too. None of them know about the EA. I have to admit that they (H & OW) were pretty good at fooling everyone. Even the building is a trigger. I am doing my best to redirect my thoughts it’s working but not as fast as I would like. I know my husband cringes too and I feel bad for him but he just has to live it along with me. Just another thread in our life.
I know the name trigger for sure. Recently a new baby was born in our family and one of the names they were considering was hers. It just about killed me. Luckily they didn’t go with that name!
Given Up, Boy that would have been bad to look at an innocent baby and be reminded of her!
This was something from before but it puts it at a new level. I just don’t know my wife. I told her todays blog was a good one. So she asked me to send it to her. She says she agrees with my choices of 1, 5, and 9. But she relates to all on them. She thinks she is screwed up. I told her I think that she is just scared. So I think I will try to address her concerns on each of these. Seems like a good starting point.
Michael, Like you said, it’s a good starting point. It sounds like she’s at least willing to talk about it somewhat.
We have blogged about contacting the other person and vice versatile. L&D are there any plans on posting a discussion about contacting the OP’s spouse or signifcant other? I know there are many schools of thought on that issue.
Last2know, Thanks for the suggestion, we can work on a post about that subject next week perhaps.
Ok so today my thoughts include revenge.
Today I want to call the OM wife and exact revenge. For what he has done to my wife. For what he has done to his wife. What he’s done to probably countless other families.
But what would that accomplish. He would probably just move on to wife number four. If I did this it would probably hurt my wifes feelings to have to deal with that. And it would show no respect for her. And I still can’t do that. She is here. No matter her faults. She is the woman I picked.
I feel so much better to have gotten this new thing off my shoulders. But now I have burdened her with more open guilt. I hope it is somewhat of a relief that this is one less thing that she has to keep from me. But I can’t help but wonder what else is hidden in her head.
Wow Michael, sorry for the set back. Perhaps I missed it in your comments, but did you actually confront her about the specific transgression, or just tested her to see if she would lie/deny it?
I asked a series of questions. Things that I kinda knew the answer to. Things that she still hasn’t talked to me fully about. Things that I felt that I wanted to know. I asked yes or no questions with specifics that left no room for “possibly” or “I don’t know” or “but”. And the asked a related question. Then I asked a specific question that left no room for “I didn’t know what you meant”.
She lied. So I asked one more question. Then I was done.
Until then I had hopes for her honesty. The gut wrenching feeling that came over me was unbelievable. I actually felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to run. I explained what I knew was a lie. I showed her how the sweet loving words she had for me earlier in the day, when I was trying to give her the opportunity to admit it, had just been shattered by her newest mistake.
What she did back then would have been easy to get past. But its all about her choice to lie to me to my face at that moment that put me where I am today. She tried to explain that she hid it to keep me from hating her. Well that just backfired on her completely. I don’t hate her. I just don’t trust her.
Michael, I’m really sorry that this happened to you. Sometimes our thinking that we were protecting the other person by not telling the truth, or by telling half-truths is not the best course of action. I hope that she has learned a lesson.
My “discovery” started as a premonition back in Jan of ’09, after my husband called me by HER name. At first thought nothing of it since they’ve been co-workers for 27 yrs and she’s been a family friend, even have pic’s holding my son at his Christening (25yrs ago)!
Then, when started to investigate found 1000’s of minutes on cell phone, AFTER working hours, while under pretense of long walks with the dog and then…..I called her, since we were supposed to be friends, when she aggressively asked “what are you insinuating”!
As this progressed, so did his constant denial and “we’re just friends…” nonsense. You don’t understand she “helps” me alot with work…
After getting sick over this, and loosing 70 lbs (the only good thing), seeking professional help, to no avail it’s become increasingly hard to accept. I’ve been with him 35 years (met at 17) and married 26 yrs!
On Jan 09, 2010
I found an email he sent her on NY’s Eve which confirmed the “emotional affair” at the very least. This being said, I contacted her one more time, under medical advice, where she first denied it but when I read it (the email) back to her, claimed my husband had intentions of writing a book and passes everything by her for her advice…..has anyone ever heard such “b……t”?
In all of this, however, I believe, my husband has come to the revelation of his wrong doings. But do I believe him after almost 2 years of lies…………35 years is a lifetime…I may be able to forgive, but I don’t believe I’ll ever forget!
Stressed out, Thank you for sharing your story. It’s amazing the extent that people will lie to cover up and EA . Linda too was effected physically, and lost weight, didn’t sleep etc. It’s a traumatic event for sure.
I don’t know… Now I can’t even look at my own truck and not think about what she did. Talk about triggers. My own truck…..Good thing i have a work truck that I drive on the weekdays.
So now there is a whole new level to this. And I don’t know what else to do. i feel like giving up so many times a day. She is being more attentive now but it’s like she was for some time after I found out. Can it last? I told her I want to hear from her what she wants to do to fix this. Because it feels like it goes even deeper.
I have a hard time believing anything she has said up to this point, because she has lied up to this point about what I found. Even to go so far as lie when I asked a direct question. After I told her I knew something else. I gave her every chance to start talking and she is unwilling to work on what happened. So needless to say I don’t think she is completely over this.
She says she fears that I will never get over it. But I don’t think she will…..
Lack of sleep, serious weight loss, depression, loss of concentration, and so on, we getting the better of me. I reached a point where their relationship had become an obsession and interaction with my children, friends, and family was impacted. Measurable productivity at work was gone too catching myself staring into space and an hour or more at a time without doing anything like I was in some sort of trance. She assured me that she had called it off and sent the standard form letter ‘I love my family and can’t see you anymore’ e-mail to him.
I chose to hire a private investigator to monitor her activities date forward so I could focus on positive things like rebuilding our marriage. Within four weeks, he was sitting in my office with a stack of transcripts of their conversations. Some of the language was so dirty and inappropriate…I turned to my church pastor for help. He stood beside me when I called the OP and confronted him.
In my situation, this was a turning point for saving our relationship. He really tried to throw her (my wife) under the bus and suggest the whole affair was her fault. Based on his history, I felt affairs were probably a normal thing for his marriage and didn’t see the point in telling his wife. He back-pedaled fast, never denying anything, and acting calm like this had happened to him before. I figured that if his wife did know, it wouldn’t matter and if she didn’t, I didn’t want to risk their divorce because it might in turn promote mine if he turned all his attention toward my wife instead of his family. Instead I told him how my own father had cheated on my mom when I was a child and how I knew firsthand the impact it would have on his three young children if they found out. I told him I would give him a pass and never share those transcripts with anyone provided he never spoke or e-mailed her again. I kept my composure through the call managed to never raise my voice or get angry. To my knowledge, since that call, they have not communicated again so in our case, it helped.
Michael – Something my wife told me was that she was afraid to tell me some things as she did not want to hurt me more than I had already been and that they were not pertinent to improving our marriage. While some details still bother me today, I do tend to believe that her motives were nothing more than that. I can tell you that I now focus on making positive memories with her so each day it gets easier thinking less about recent history. While I know you won’t ever forget, ask her to work with you on mutual transparency today to build a string of good days looking forward.
Stressed out – I dropped 40 pounds and was in pretty good physical condition before any of this happened. It has only been in the last three weeks that I have started finally gaining some weight back. While you can’t control the actions of others, you can control your own and need to make a priority of keeping your health to fight through this. I actually got pneumonia in the fall and became extremely ill. Ultimately, anti-depression medicine made the difference for me and has helped me regain some of my personal focus although I’d love to feel normal again without using it.
Footnote on triggers: the hotel were they met during the day is just a few miles down the street from our home and I have to drive by it every day going to and from work. It is still a constant reminder that I hope over time can be forgotten, but I also understand what you mean about names and places. It can happen at any time and any place and still quickly throw me into an emotional tailspin.
Heartbroken, Good to see you back! You’re the first to respond who has hired an investigator. That’s fairly drastic, but I guess it worked in your case. How was your week at home with the kids? Any progress with your relationship with your wife?
Michael – You might consider trying the ‘180’…it helped me too: http://www.infidelity.com/forum/lofiversion/index.php?t1479.html
Heartbroken, Thanks for sharing that. Michelle Weiner-Davis is one of Linda’s favorite authors and her books have been very important to saving our marriage.
Heartbroken…
I wasn’t even looking for more. I still had this feeling, and still do, that there is something more to what happened between them. I was going through stuff that I collected to come up with some questions I thought I needed to ask, and there it was. Proof that she had gone to see him.
It wasn’t the fact that she did. It was the fact that when I asked her to tell me if there was more she denied it. I gave her all of Thursday to tell me something. And she held her ground. Then when I asked if she had gone to see him or if he came to see her. (We live about 4 1/2 hours from him). She looked me in the eyes and said NO.
So up until that point it was just an omission of a fact. After that it was a complete lie. And it was here and now that she did it. Not right after I found out. While she was still talking to him. It was this last Thursday. With that she wiped out any trust that I had regained for her words.
I did confront the OW. Did it help? Yes. Did it give me closure? No. But it felt good to call her those foul words my mother taught me were only for bad people. I felt like for a few moments, I was in control. That I was not going to sit around and let this continue, that I was going to FIGHT…not just for my man, but for me as well. For almost 30 years of my life. I am not a quitter. She was EASY, not me!!
Rebuilding, Welcome and thanks for joining in. I imagine letting loose like that could be a fantastic release of emotions that has to do you some good.
Confronting OW has never been satisfing. She says she’ll back off if we are working on our marriage, but this has not happened as far as I know. He continues to live out of his car. He allowed her access to checking account and she withdrew $900. He says he is shocked she would do this. I canceled his access to get into the account.I don’t know who this man is anymore.I look for revenge on her. A person won a nine million dollar suit against the OW in South Carolina last week for alienation of affection.
All of this is wasted energy. I need to find a way to stop obsessing on them and move foward and help me.
Dorothy, It sounds like he is being a “sucker” to this woman. I saw the headline for that lawsuit. That’s very interesting and could open up a whole new world of lawsuits!
Yes, I agree he is being a sucker…in the mean time, some of our bills were not paid as a result of this. Return check charges…etc..So I end up paying for this.Now he is angry at me becauseI brought up this lawsuit. I keep sinking further into this world of poisin he has created with her. Logically, I know I must cut loose, emotionally I am not ready.
Me and my wife had separated at the beginning of the year. I had no job and no money. I go a job working as a over the road truck driver. We talked and I read some relationship books. we got back together in February.
3 months ago I was injured on the job and moved in to her house. I still had the other house and was looking to rent it out. Just recently things got strange with her. Always texting and on the phone allot. I am the type of person that gets a gut feeling and then starts snooping around. She had locked her phone so I had nothing to go on. Well I found a note to a friend of mine that talked of a relationship.the words love and sex were in the letter. It was a breaking up letter. She had lied to me when I was on the road and said that she was going on a work retreat in gatlinburg Tn. I thought great, she even called me while she was there and told me how much fun she was having the whole weekend. It turns out that she went with the friend. Then just last weekend she said that she was going to babysit a friends kids while the went to a hotel for there anniversary. She called me to say that she was going to bed with the four year old. This was a 1130 pm. The next day she comes home at 9 am complaining that he was kicking her all night long and that she was worn out. I didn’t believe it after finding the letter to the friend. I called the friends husband who hates cheaters and he told me that his kids went to there grandmothers home and my wife’s car was there when they got home but she wasn’t. So I called his wife and she told me that my wife said that she was at another girlfriend of her’s house that night. So I did the foot work showing up at her door and got the answer that she had never shown up. I then went to the guys house that she went on the trip with. He is a friend that we would go to the lake with and camp with we were together every weekend during the summer. I gave him the letter and made him read it. He turned white as a ghost. He told me everything that happened and I left. I then came home to a wife that knew that I knew only about Saturday night. So i asked where wear you sat. night and she gave me the friends house excuse. I said I went to her house and she said you weren’t there. Ah, she turned pale. I asked again where wear you. she said that she couldn’t answer me. So after we put the kids to bed. she had just gotten home from a trip to see her dad in Arizona 2 weeks earlier. There was a man at the airport from her past and they talked. Now this man she had cheated on with her first husband and she did it to me before we got married right into our relationship. I let that go and she got help and everything was good. They got in touch and he came and picked her up from the house where she told me that she was babysitting. She spent the night at his house and she told me that they just kissed and she passed out. We talked about everything ,but I don’t believe her. I have his picture and i have his address. I don;t know what I am to do. I want to get her in my car and drive over there and find out the truth. The marriage is over.I just want to know.
I need advise and I’m sorry this is so long but I haven’t eaten in two days and have gotten 6 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. HELP ME PLEASE
Yuri, Thanks for telling your story and welcome. We’re so sorry that you’re going through this. My first thought is that since you stated that the marriage is over and you just want to know, then I would confront the other person if your wife doesn’t fess up and tell the truth. If you need to have closure by finding out the truth, then by all means do so. If you do, please be careful and maintain control. You don’t know what kind of a person he is and you don’t want things to get out of hand.
On the other hand, if you intend to try and save your marriage, then think twice about confrontation. Better to try and get the truth from your wife, why it happened and begin to repair your relationship. Best of luck to you.
I’m one week into finding out my wife had an emotional affair. And yes, I’ve been to the “other guy’s” social network sites; and truthfully, you know what? I don’t think he is worth my even saying anything. After a few days of shock, I got straight into therapy and began discovering that, indeed, this was an affair — a very hurtful affair; but now it’s a problem between two people, not three.
And today, from what my wife told me via e-mail, she started therapy. And I believe her.
Look, it’s hard enough to work this out between TWO people, so best thing to do is just get the “other party” out of your head first — at least, that’s how I feel in my case.
RAC, Thanks for commenting, and welcome. Your philosophy on this subject makes a lot of sense. I hope that therapy works for the both of you and that you can save your marriage.
I mean, it’s not that I don’t wish a satellite would drop on the guy, or that if I EVER saw him I would change my mind in a sec, but the guy’s a tool and not worth giving my time. I’m mad enough at my wife as it is.
The first time I tried to contact the woman that my husband had an emotional affair with was by phone. I tried to remain calm, but emotion took over and she hung up on me after a few seconds. I had some things I really wanted to tell her so I decided to send her an e-mail. This proved to be very theraputic for me. I didn’t use my words to call her a horrible person or every name in the book instead I was completely honest. I told her that I didn’t think she went into her friendship with my husband looking for a romatic relationship with a married man. I didn’t think that anyone would willingly open themselves up to that kind of pain. I told her I didn’t understand some of the decisions that she had made, but that I was sure he shared the blame. I also told her that even though she felt they had a special bond that bond was based on limited experiences. I then went on to point out the things that my husband and I had experienced together and how that was real love. I told her that I had told my husband that if he wanted to be with her he should do it and I wouldn’t make his life miserable or stand in the way of a relationship with our children, but that if he chose to stay with me he could not have any type of a relationship with her. I said that my husband made the choice to stay with me and I asked her to respect our relationship and the work we had to do to rebuild it by staying away. I assured her it wasn’t my life’s goal to make her miserable in order to make myself feel better and thanked her for reading the e-mail.
I ended up getting back a very sincere apology. She even told me that my letter showed her that I was a better woman than she could ever hope to be. It has helped me let go of some of that anger I have been carrying around since I found out about the EA. I wouldn’t say that I’m completely over it, but it was a step in the right direction.
I’m really not interested in revenge, or more information, or anything like that. It’s clear that the OW is someone with serious issues, who doesn’t seem to have a grip on reality. Since this was supposed to have been a friendship (which clearly didn’t stay that way), all I plan to say in the email is that what she’s done is unbelievably selfish, and if she does anything like this again, I’ll tell her husband. (I have already told my partner the same thing. I insisted he give up the friendship with the OW to get his priorities straight while he talks things out in therapy.)
Clarissa, So how does your partner feel about that?
I did make a phone call to the OM, didnt really know what to say. I basically said, hope you realize your destroying 4 children, as well as the woman my wife was. I broke down with a couple texts as well, but didnt make me feel any better. I will just ignoring him. Its not really about him anyway, its decisions of my wife that I have to deal with. He could be any man. Actually the more I have learned, I am a far better man than him anyway, so lowering myself is self defeating.
I called her that is how I finally got the truth! I would ask she would tell me and not in a mean way! She came to my work to talk which was to say the least the next worst day of my life. I already knew what she looked like but I went out to call her back to my office and when she stood up I thaught is this for real? So I took in every detail the way she sat, the way she talked….what she said….she even hugged me at the end….you know I felt pity for her she is 25 and lost…I could see it in her eyes…So when she walked out I was numb to say the least and I thaught hmmm…the only thing she has on me is she is 10 yrs younger, not prettier, not skinnier…nothing. I did smile to myself and thaught what a fool he is. It did help me knowing that it wasnt something I was lacking or something that she had that was so great! If I had to do it again I would.
My wife and I have been married for 18 years. Almost twelve years ago I cheated on her, I betrayed my best friends trust there is no excuse for it. But she knows how it eats me up and how truly sorry I am for it. She has repeatedly told me she forgives me for it but can’t forget it. I understand. Well almost two years ago she began talking to one of her old high school boyfriends. I found out and she told me she would stop. I soon found out she hadn’t stopped and found some really nasty emails they have been sharing. She tells me she loves me and doesn’t know what she should do. Should I talk to him and ask him to leave my wife alone? Or be ugly about it? Maybe I deserve it for doing it to her all those years ago. What do you guys think?
My husband and I have been married for 22 years…together for 27 or 28 years. Two children, now 18 and 21. We haven’t had a great marriage, and my husband thought I was just biding my time until our daughters were both out of the house and off to college. This summer he started acting strangely: added software to our computer to delete his history each time he was on it, asking me to buy him some cologne (even though he never expressed any interest in cologne in all the years I’ve known him), started working late, started paying more attention to the way he looked, etc. Even though I suspected an affair, I didn’t snoop and check our home phone records or his cell phone records…or delete the new software from the computer. After one odd event after the other, I finally told him our marriage was over, but he convinced me we should still live in the same house until we could get it ready to sell. This lasted about a month before I told him he had to leave because in Maryland you have to be separated and live apart for an entire year before you can get a divorce, and I didn’t want to prolong the inevitable. Plus he wasn’t keeping his end of our agreement that he just leave me alone and sleep in the basement or another room of the house, etc. Not to mention that if he was really having an affair, I just couldn’t stand the thought that he was betraying me and lying to me every single day. My daughters were even suspicious of his activities, and my older daughter point-blank asked him if he was having an affair. He lied to her and said he wasn’t… Said we were simply divorcing because neither of us were happy; that he still loved me and always would, and he just wanted me to be happy. Two days after he moved out, I got a call from the OW’s husband, telling me that my husband was having an affair with his wife…. that they work together. The man said he was trying to reach my husband, and would let me know how the conversation went. He said he wanted to save his marriage. They have 3 children, the oldest in high school, and the other 2 in middle school. I then checked my husband’s cell phone records and our home records, and easily found her phone number and called her the day I found out. She was as nasty as could be. I was shocked. I told her I didn’t understand why her husband had any interest in saving his marriage to her, and she replied “Because I’m hot, beautiful, and everyone wants me.” She then went on to say she’d heard a lot about me, obviously from my husband, and that I was obviously a nasty person. She was not the slightest bit apologetic. She wouldn’t answer any questions I had. Apparently my husband didn’t even have her cell phone number, so the number I called on was her work number. When her husband called me again the next day, it was to tell me that he met with my husband and his wife together, and that my husband and his wife agreed to end their affair. He then went on to say that I should not have called his wife at work….that someone (either my husband, the OW, or both) might lose their job over it, etc. I was glad I called her at the time, but because she was so nasty, it only made me angrier. I thought I found a cell phone number for her a couple days later, and dialed it, but a child answered, and knowing how this has devastated my children, I would not risk devastating the OW’s children, despite what she has done to mine. Having said this, I would probably do the same thing all over again. Despite the fact that my husband and the OW agreed to end their emotional affair, my husband came to our house to visit our girls over their winter break from college, and my younger one looked through his cell phone (he changed to another cell phone company when he moved out) when he left it on the counter and left the room for a half-hour or so. They apparently are still in touch with each other on a very regular basis. I confronted my husband and he was furious. Said we were separated and what he does is no longer my business. Even complained to his mom (and I’m sure the rest of the family), prompting his mom to call our house and tell me that I (I let them believe I went through his cell phone, and not my daughter) had no business going through his cell phone, that it was illegal, etc. I thought long and hard about calling the OW’s husband to let him know what I found out. I settled for sending him a text, but he did not respond. I let it drop. Maybe he received the text, maybe his wife got to it first. It seems the OW’s husband only wants to call me when he wants info from me. So, I will leave both the OW and her husband alone. I don’t want my husband to lose his job (I could care less about her job) because we are supporting two households right now, plus have the two kids in college. And I don’t want to give the OW or her husband ammunition to file harassment charges against me.
I found out six weeks ago that my wife has had two affairs this year. One was a two month fling with a married guy at work. Second was an affair with someone in GA. Devastating to say the least the pain at times was unbearable. Never thought I would be dealing with something like this in my 40’s
DG
The first thing I want to tell you is don’t even bother confronting the other person/s. Its not worth one ounce of your time or energy. The problem is your wife, she broke your marriage vow, and they were stupid enough to become involved with her.
Forgiving is something you need to do whether you stay together or not. Do not let her irresponsible behavior chew at your self esteem. If you know what mistakes you made in the marriage take responsibility for them. But you are not responsible or her actions and choices. There is no excuse for her messing around with other men. If she was not happy with you she should have brought that to your attention, even if for some reason you couldn’t meet her expectations, she had other choices, that would have not caused you so much pain, however, it still does not give her the right to climb into another mans bed. How she thought that would solve anything is where the problem begins. Pray and ask God to give you a understanding and forgiving heart. Ask God to lead you to the path you should follow.
This came to my email for some reason.
DG says…”The problem was she would not give me any information on anything. I stayed awake at night putting all the pieces together while she slept like a baby. I was looking and digging until I found out the information I needed to reach out to these men. Just got caught up in what was driving me to find out everything I thought I wanted to know. Confused”
DG
If you aready know that she has been unfaithful, digging to find more details, won’t change the fact that she has hurt you. Please do not go to these other men for more details, they have their own problems for why they got involved with a married woman. What is important is that you put them out of your mind. When my ex husband was in his affair I went to a Christian Book Store, I told the clerk I wanted a book on how to deal with the other woman. The clerk gave me the best advice, she told me ” Oh just forget about her, she’s the least of your problem, focus on your marriage, she’s not worth it” . I took her advice. My marriage ended a year and a half later. The affair played a big part in ending my marriage, but I had a choice in it also. I told my ex husband to straighten up or get out, he chose divorce. He did go to the other woman it lasted about a year. I never let myself or my children drop to her level. I told my children to be nice to her, because I brought them up to be that way. I never even knew this woman, I saw a picture of her once after they ended the affair. I never gave this woman any chance to drop me to her standards. Yet to this day I feel sorry for her. Also Proverbs 5 is true, when you read the Bible it is true, God is so amazing.
From DG...
“Thanks for the advice point taken. My wife is a Christian and claimed to be through out her ordeal. Two different men one from work which was a fling for a month and the other was a four month ordeal which he thought she was going to leave me. We have three children 23, 20, and 10 my question is should she be honest with me and tell me what I want to know or do I want to know? Can I get past the lies and the deceit ?”
DG,
To this day, I only know part of the details of his affair, I know he left some information out to spare me more hurt and pain. That he admitted to me. I know it was all the way physical and he had fallen in love with her. He restarted the affair again before our divorce as even final. When we were trying to work on the marriage they worked on the same floor only a few feet from each other, he wouldn’t give up his job, so I will never know if they were fooling around during that time or not.
As far as your marriage, will your wife disclose the information? I believe if we knew everything from the get go to make the choice to stay or leave them, would be alot easier,
but my ex knew that and your wife knows that. Thats why she’s careful on how much informaton you get.
DG, just curious why did their marriage only last a year? Linda
DG,
In the above reply from Doug, why did their marriage only last a year? Linda
I am not sure who’s marriage she’s asking about. My lasted 20years before we divorced.
DG,
To be totally honest in this post, there was more than the affair that happened, to why we divorced. I knew there was more going on with him then what he had told me. Thats when I asked him to straighten up or get out. He confirmed my suspicion two years later after our divorce at a family event, he told me everything, it was then I was fully able to forgive him.
DG Wrote…
“thank you for the information it is helpful in alot of ways
I didn’t confront her for a couple of reasons already stated here. #1 I just wanted her gone. To confront would be to engage. To engage would be to keep her involved. #2 I was afraid if I told her husband he would leave her. If she was alone, my husband might not feel so inclined to get over her.
But I tell you this. 6 months later I still feel like a coward. I feel weak for not confronting her and telling her what I thought of her. I just……rolled over.
But like Linda, I focused on getting my husband back so in the end, it worked out for me. We are doing very good and no contact with her for over 6 months. But If I ever see her out in public……well?
I confronted the OW- several times. Once by email, twice on the street as she was walking her dog on one of our town’s main road. I even told her husband when I discovered what had happened. This was supposedly a “fling” – sex twice, long before I discovered. I discovered bc she was constantly texting my husband. I was devastated and at the time I wanted her to know and feel it to. I wanted to make sure that her happy life was as disrupted and as derailed as my life. I did not help with healing. But I don’t regret it. I was able to establish with no uncertainty that she instigated the fling. Does that help, maybe; but my husband was still a willing participant. I close my eyes sometimes and still see her face; that is the worst part. Maybe I regret yelling out my car window, repeatedly, that she was a whore (in front of her neighbors in our shared suburban, white picket fence area), maybe. It was both my cathartic and my rock bottom moment.
The affair of my husband started when my mother was sick and in the icu and even way after her death. I was pre occupied with caring fir my mother in the hospital then. And when she died I couldnt understand why my husband turned his back on me, not being sympathetic to what I was going through. I am an only child and I only had my husband to turn to Or so I thought…and also He was the only person closest to my mother so somehow I thought he would also somehow feel the loss I was feeling. At that time my tears couldnt stop from falling everytime a thought would cross my mind, when her name is mentioned, when I was fixing her things, etc… I literally had no control of my tears. My grief then was eating me up, I couldnt function normally, I would just sometimes be staring into blank space…. I never felt so alone in my whole life. And this actions of mine when I was grieving for my mother was taken against me. He would be so short tempered with me, impatient, cold, indifferent, distant… Its as if I am the only one who felt the loss of my mother considering how close he was to her. It didnt even stop him from socializing or attending parties with people I don’t know, making it come out to me as if nothing devastaing just happened in our family. One time I even blamed my mother for dying , thinking that her death brought this on to us. No matter what I do everything seems to be wrong for my husband…. and to think It was my mother who died, it wasn’t his…. It also came to the point wherein I was wishing my mother would take me with her and would have happily died then compared to the grief I was feeling and what was happening to my marriage We have been married for 20 years. Yes, we have had problems…but I never thought then that someone can even take advantage of the loss of someone else and use it to his advantage and bury the person whose mother died even more than what she was going through. Well, sad to say someone can and it was my husband. I couldnt even think of any logical reason why he can turn his back on me at the time I needed him most. 6months after my mother died, I caught my husband lying about his whereabouts for the second time, (the first time I didnt think much about it)even using his friends to conspire with him. This made me very suspicious. I asked a former employee of ours , his driver if he knew something that I didnt… if there was something unusual before with my husbands actions and he said that he was unusually close to someone . I asked who… he had forgotten the name of the girl. Randomly, I told the driver to look through our joint FB account then (we had been sharing an fb from the very start. I dint know he had opened a separate FB account recently and I was blocked from it thats why I wasn’t aware of it) and to look carefully each one of our 1400 friends there. Lo and behold the driver pinpointed a face and suddenly remembered the name . He was very sure. But the person pinpointed was someone that I never expected it to be. She was a friend and even went to the wake of my mother. But I still needed proof.I didnt have one. I was only able to get proof ab 5months after. My husband was out of the country for a busness trip then. I found his old cellphone which we thought got lost 4months back. Battery drained of course in the crevice of the sofa in my mothers house. When I opened it Call logs showed frequency of times called in a day at odd hours of the day. No text messages assuming it was deleted right after receiving it. But the calls were not. It left me shaking so much and I felt cold all over. Without second thought. I called up the suspected OW supposed to be a friend. I was cordial to her . At first she was denying saying that they talk only occasionally and when I was bombarding her with times dates frequency of calls, she cut me and said that she will cut off all communication with my husband as he was out of the country she would not even answer his viber messages or calls. I mildly threaten her saying that would be the best because definitely a lot of people will get affected like your family (separated with 2 kids )your friends your bf who works abroad (even though separated she has hidden the fact she has a bf even from her kids) etc. I was amiablebec i didnt know anything yetvabout emotional affairs. And she insisted that they were only friends texting and talking. While abroad I told my husband I already talked to the OW and he became antagonistic through phone he told me that it is best that we separate already. After a few days he called again this time in a submissive mood. Well he just realized that the OW is not returning her calls anymore . And from then on had been avoiding him. But of course it just doenst stop there i wanted to know what went on. Finally since i was alrewdy closing in and he was already fumbling with his answers he finally confessed that it was also physical. Its as if my world fell on me and it was even worse than when my mom died. It lasted for almost ayear. Notonenof them took the initiative to cut it off. It was only me who did it for them. And when my husband told me that I called up the OW again and told her “YOU LIED TO ME , YOU WERE #%/#¥ MY HUSBAND! Iput it on speaker phone so my husband could hear it. She replied : THATS NOT TRUE HE IS JUST TRYING TO TURN YOU AGAINST ME , THE WAY HE WAS TURNING ME AGAINST YOU BEFORE LYING ABOUT YOU JUST TO GET MY SYMPATHY….. HE IS JUST SAYINGBTHAT BECAUSE I TURNED HIM DOWN.” And then the line was cut off because my hands were shaking , i was shaking and crying . I never regretted doing that spur-of-the-moment call to her. Because it made my husband hear what kind of a person she was. To deny it and save her ass at his expense and to make him come out as someone who is sour-graping. It has been 1year and 3months since that call. Once i texted her saying “Dont think you got away scot free bec of my silence. Every single day when you wake up you will be wondering if this is the day my world will crumble the way mine did. “… I just wanted to make her feel afraid somehow if she had intentions of contacting my husband again. And i have prepared an email to her one time thing only but i havent sent it . Holding on to it if ever I would feel the need to send it to her…
I confronted the AP by text. She never had the nerve to answer a call herself. But when she answered my very first text about what was going on between them, she denied everything. She had not known he was married so I was a big surprise to her. I didn’t blame her in the least bit. It was entirely his responsibility to set and keep appropriate boundaries. I wanted to ask her things to verify what he was telling me, but she was as big a liar as he was so other than that, it served no purpose.