how to handle your urge for revengeWhen you discover that your partner has had (or is having) an emotional affair, you’re flooded with feelings. Even if you think you are only numb, below the surface are many different, and sometimes conflicting, emotions. 

Some of those emotions may include the following:

  • grief
  • fear
  • sadness
  • anxiety
  • nervousness
  • insecurity
  • vulnerability

And you’re probably also angry. Being betrayed in this way doesn’t feel fair or right and it can bring out your rage, even if you are usually a peaceful and even-keeled kind of person. You are mad at the one with whom your partner had the affair. You feel angry at your partner too and may even feel angry at yourself for not seeing what was going on sooner and possibly preventing it.

The time after finding out that your partner cheated can be marked by learning, understanding and healing. This isn’t always the case, of course, but it is for many couples. Even as your partner begins to make changes to prove to you that the emotional affair truly is over and you can trust him or her again, those churning feelings remain.

They may even intensify.

Part of you wants to put this in the past and work with your partner to repair the damage done, while another part of you is still very, very pissed off. This is where the urge for revenge after an affair comes up and it comes up strong and loud.

Despite what your rational mind knows and is guiding you to do, your sense of feeling wronged and betrayed push you in another direction.

See also  When There is a Child as a Result of an Affair

Revenge can take many forms. You might not even realize that a reaction welling up inside of you constitutes revenge, so here are some examples…

  • hurtful teasing or “joking”
  • destruction of property
  • criticism
  • spreading gossip about your partner or the other person
  • refusal to talk or listen
  • withholding sex
  • aggression toward the other person or your partner
  • threatening to have an affair
  • having an affair

We understand. Your desire for revenge comes from raw emotions. You want your partner to know how much it hurt you when he or she cheated. You want it made clear that you won’t tolerate this sort of behavior happening ever again.

On some level, you believe that you’ll feel better if you can somehow “get even” and revenge appears to be the perfect way to do so…

Except that revenge doesn’t work out that way.

When you seek revenge, you do send a message to your partner and possibly others as well, but at a significant cost. You mire yourself even deeper in emotional pain. You build up the anger and other intense feelings you’re having instead of releasing them in healthy ways. You also push an even bigger wedge between you and your partner which may make it impossible for your relationship to be saved.

Revenge doesn’t just punish and hurt your partner…it hurts you too.

Find an outlet for your anger.

It’s absolutely essential for you to recognize it when you want revenge and uncover the feelings you’re having that are driving that urge. Do this without criticizing or directing hostility inward.

See also  Discussion – Acting Crazy After the Affair

Notice what’s going on within you and find a healthy way to express how you’re feeling.

Get creative and paint, draw or find a pack of crayons and color. Give yourself the space and freedom to let those emotions come out and spill onto paper or canvas. Moving your body is another great way to release intense emotions like anger. Put on music with a strong drumbeat and dance. Stomp your feet and shout as you move out those pent-up feelings.

You can also tell your partner how you feel. When you do, use “I feel” statements to let him or her know what’s going on for you. Refrain from name calling or violent talk and actions and don’t assume you know what’s true for your partner.

Re-focus on what you want.

Just as important as it is to release your anger and other emotions, be sure to also consciously choose your focus. Remember, YOU are the one who decides whether you will concentrate your attention and energy on what happened in the past (even the recent past) or on what’s true today. Focus on what’s changing and also on what you DO want for your relationship now and in the future.

This isn’t about denying or ignoring the fact that your partner had an emotional affair. It is an invitation for you to take a different approach. “Yes, my partner cheated and I’m going to be present and aware right now. I’m going to communicate and help create the relationship I want to have.”

See also  Healing After Infidelity: Why Won't They Stop?

Recognize the improvements both you and your partner are making, even if they’re still in process. What are the habits that you’re starting to change that used to bring tension and distance to your relationship? Have you taken steps to turn them around? What are the ways that your partner is following through, keeping his or her promises and proving with actions that real improvement is happening?

When you live mostly in the present moment, guess what happens to those revenge desires? They are weaker and pass on by which leaves you to rebuild trust and repair your relationship.

Did you ever consider revenge after an affair?  If so, did you actually follow through?  What was the result?  If you did not, how were you able to handle your urge for revenge?


Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches, authors and speakers who offer a free mini-course based on their transformative ebook: Relationship Trust Turnaround.


Opt In Image
Crisis Management:
Surviving the First 30-Days after D-day

With this program you will gain an understanding of some of the most important rules and strategies for successfully navigating through the initial aftermath of the pain, chaos and confusion that infidelity creates.

    87 replies to "How to Handle Your Urge for Revenge After an Affair"

    • livingonafence

      I disagree with a lot of this. Yes, focusing on the future is important, but revenge doesn’t always hurt the person exacting it. I told OW’s H. I would do it again. I felt he had a right to know. I also felt she deserved to suffer, and him knowing would surely make that happen. I’m glad I told. So glad. My H tried to talk me out of it. He used every trick in the book, right down to saying he’d leave me if I told because he “was above that”. LOL, sure pal. I told him to go but I was telling. He caved within 5 minutes. The next morning, I called her H and told him. Over the next few days I proved it, and then he started watching her. She did it again with someone else, and then again. This man thought she was little miss innocent. HA! She’s a whore and acts like it. I let him in on her dirty secret. She now lives in public housing on welfare. I couldn’t be happier.

      Not all revenge hurts. I helped this man AND made her life hell, just as she had helped do to mine.

      I would do it again in a second.

      • tryinghard


        AMEN. Now is it revenge if I put sugar in her gas tank because I REALLYREALLYREALLYREALLY want to. I think I would feel much better if I do!

      • Candi

        Livingonthefence comments is from 2013 and my H’s affair was 2016 but after 4 days his affair partner thought she was safe, I was too “nice” to tell her H. Well, as I started to call her H I get a text from her that says, “How can we change this? Can we talk?”. Are you flipping serious? You could have changed this back in April when you started bugging my H to get in the back seat. Yes, their affair was in the back seat of his car. She was livid with me – oh too bad. If I’m suffering so are you bitch!!! I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

    • gizfield

      That is not revenge, LOAF. That is what is called ” logical consequences”. In other words, your actions lead to the consequences. If this woman was screwing around on her husband, he needed to know, in my personal opinion. God knows what diseases she was carrying. If he divorced her its because what she was doing, not somebody telling what she was doing. I like it though. If my husband’s girlfriend ever manages to snag a boyfriend or husband he needs to know she has no qualms about dating married men, with

    • gizfield

      Oh yeah, when I confronted this bitch my husband was all high and mighty too. “dont bring her into this.” If I’m not mistaken when she consented to dating my husband, she brought her own self into it. not me. I refuse to accept responsibility for what this slut (and my husband) did.

    • Mona Lisa

      I agree with Living and Giz. Telling the other spouse about the whore they are living with, is just common sense. My H also threw a little fit when I told him I was going to call the husband of his “friend”. He was concerned that I might cause problems in her marriage. Are you kidding me!!!!

    • tryinghard

      I love to plot revenge. It’s kind of a release. No thanks on the crayon bit, jeeze… Not revenge against my H, God knows he’s heard it all. I have tried really hard not to be too snarky about it. OK well that was a lie!! If you can’t do the time don’t do the crime. No I dream about plotting revenge against the OW. I think turning her into Unemployment for fraud was the best though!!! Thing is one is never satisfied with one vengeful act. It’s so much fun I can see where you could get hooked on it. I want to egg her car in the winter time so when she leaves work late the eggs are frozen to her windshield… I’ve got a million of them.

      BTW, I agree with all of you. Telling the spouse is not revenge. That is just good thinking.

    • strengthrequired

      I wanted to go to the ow place of work, she works with children, and tell everyone that walks in not to trust her with their husbands, or their children, she doesn’t care about any of them. I didn’t though.

      I guess embarrassing her and my h at the park one day with heaps of people around has to do. Told her what a slut she was, ha, she called me one. I said your the one throwing yourself at a married man. I told my h I was leaving, he left her sitting at the park crying, ohhh you always run to her. Blah blah blah.

      Yet the stupid bitch still hung onto him like glue. She still didn’t get it.

    • Paula

      Revenge, a dish best served cold. Not cold enough yet, lol!!!

      Fantasized a lot. Dreamed of burning her house down, my most “practical” revenge fantasy is to drive to her house, and under cover of night spray the words “Filthy C%^$” in giant letters into her front lawn, to appear slowly over the next week or so, maybe smear some dog faeces in her letterbox, that kind of childish fun! I only felt the need for revenge when “my old friend” decided that she would never talk to me – would never apologise to me – after all, I was the dumbass who was such a failure as a lover and partner that HE went looking elsewhere, ALL MY OWN FAULT, apparently, so get the eff over it. Then I saw red. If you hurt someone, you bloody well apologise, especially to a friend who was helping you, supporting you, caring about you, while you were stabbing her in the heart repeatedly. See, not cold enough yet….. I guess I will only be when my heart eventually stops beating altogether, lol. I guess what has stopped me from actually carrying out any revenge is that I feel that I AM better than her, and I will NOT get dragged down by her prosecuting me as the crazy woman. I will not let her know that she HAS hurt me, I pretend I am better than that, and that I have risen above her shit. But, man, karma sure is slow on the uptake here 😉 But if she had a relationship, I sure would have told the guy!

      • Tryinghard

        Paula haha. I’ve had the very same fantasies. Of course we aren’t going to do them but it is a release to fantasize about them. Your “friend” has no conscience sadly she was not a friend. Nice people like us accept people for who we think they are giving them wayyyy too much credit. Well we’ve learned our lessons on that right? She’s no more than yesterday’s trash! Karma will get her.

    • exercisegrace

      Well, they say the best revenge is living well! I wouldn’t exactly say that I am there yet, but he is attending church with us again and we joined a couples’ bible study. We are doing counseling and trying to focus more on us and what we want the future to look like. It is NOT easy.

      Having said that, I do NOT consider telling the AP’s spouse to be revenge. I think it is mercy. Particularly if the affair was physical one. Everyone deserves to know if they are being exposed to STD’s. Everyone deserves the chance to KNOW what is going on in their life so they can make whatever choices they need to make. i have YET to hear of a spouse that didn’t at least SUSPECT something was going on. It is a confirmation of sanity if nothing else.

      • strengthrequired

        I agree eg, it’s not revenge. The ap may think it is revenge because it is exposing them and the kind of person they are. The bs deserves to know the truth. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t expose her because she had already left her h, yet I believe within their family circle the news got to him anyway.

        • exercisegrace

          I didn’t get to expose the ap either. By the time I found out, we had been forced to get an attorney to fight her craziness. She was determined to try and ruin us in every way she could think of. Even her own attorney thought she was crazy and dropped her. He actually warned ours that she was “over the top”. I don’t want anything to do with her and hope she just stays away from us. As much as I hate her, I have no desire to stir the pot. She has harassed and stalked us over social media (as well as our kids), necessitating yet more input from our attorney. I am content to sit back and let her continue with her train wreck of a life all on her own!!

    • strengthrequired

      Hmmm revenge, I don’t quite see how these are revenge.
      Compared to what we have been put through.

      hurtful teasing or “joking.
      refusal to talk or listen
      withholding sex

      I don’t know sometimes I wonder about this couple. The bs seems to cop alot.

      As far as I’m concerned, I didn’t say or do anything that my h ow didn’t deserve, for goodness sake I didn’t try to ruin her life, she was hell bent on ruining mine though.

      The biggest revenge is not by our hand, it’s that of karma, that’s what I’m waiting for.

      • exercisegrace

        While I appreciate their contribution to this site, I’m not so sure they have lived what they are writing about. It does seem to put a lot on the betrayed spouse and that feels very wrong to me. At least initially, I feel the focus should be on repairing the damage done by the affair. Healing the betrayal. THAT falls squarely on the spouse who cheated. Building up the marriage comes later, and is shared by both. Frankly I think you could have the crappiest marriage in the world, be the worst spouse that ever lived and it should NOT EVER be held up as a reason to cheat. Insist on help or leave. Those are the only honorable options.

        • strengthrequired

          I too appreciate their contribution too, but I don’t think they have lived through what we have either.

    • Disappointed

      Revenge fantasies can be fun to think up but there is nothing I could do to the OW that would ever be able to equalize the situation. she has taken everything from me so very easily. he put up no fight whatsoever. Not every CS comes to their senses…

    • strengthrequired

      As they say revenge can be bitter-sweet.

    • livingonafence

      Oh I know telling is common sense, and the right thing to do, but trust me, there was definitely some revenge mixed in there. For the fantasy? The OW posted on her FB page a year ago that her daughter was graduating HS. As a “congratulations” I was going to send her boob shot to all of her daughter’s FB friends the morning of graduation. Didn’t do it, of course, but oh, all morning I was doing breathing exercises to stop myself. They live in a small town, so the pics would have been the talk of graduation, and then she’d be ‘that whore’ for a long, long time there.

      Some days I still regret NOT doing it! Yeah, I’m evil.

    • SamIam

      The Karma Bus just arrived and I didn’t even have to drive it. The gutter tramp is getting a divorce because she was “stepping out to events with all those men and posting pictures” ~ mmmmm~ you think?
      For my H, I think it was the punctuation at the end of a very long sentence. I don’t think he ever really believed what they had was an EA, it was something else, and I was overreacting… he can not defend her any longer. We are prepared for what happens as she has no power over us, any longer. Thanks Karma, I love you!

      • strengthrequired

        Yay Samlam, how long did it take for karma to finally hit your h ow?
        I’m so happy that your h eyes are finally opened, what a relief for you, best news. Now you can sit back and watch her crumble. Yay for regaining control and power.

        • SamIam

          2.5 long long years post d-day

          • strengthrequired

            So I’m guessing I have another year before I see her commutence hit her then, hopefully sooner and not later.

    • tryinghard

      AWESOME!! You are so lucky to get to she her bad Karma at work!!! Oh yeah you over reacted, UMMM how about if he were in your shoes?? It’s just a defensive statement. I don’t know if they are trying to convince us or themselves by minimizing their actions. Unfortunately most men do not consider it cheating if they don’t have sex. They are SOOO dumb.

      I don’t ever get too much from these folks. I know their heart is in the right place, but I am way to cerebral for their answers.Oh no I have to think it through 25,000 different ways until I find the answer for me.

      I do think there may be some validation that there are some BS who want to punish the CS, however not if they are trying to work things out. How stupid and counter productive would that be. I mean get divorced if revenge against you CS is your thought process. Revenge affairs, I guess maybe there are some but those folks should definitely divorce. What’s the point? Get over it and move on. Now revenge against a soon to be ex, that’s a whole different story!!!

      I did like the crayon part. The only thing I would like to do with crayons is melt them down and pour the hot, melted wax on her ugly, effing, face. LOL, I’m evil too!!!!

      Glad to see you are back EG.. Haven’t heard from you in a long time 🙂

      • exercisegrace

        Thanks friend! I have stepped back a little. I am trying to find a balance. The support I have received here has been life changing, but I also know that the next chapter must start soon. I have to see myself as a wife again, not a betrayed spouse. SO HARD.

        • strengthrequired

          You know something, I have been thinking exactly the same.
          Thinking when to move forward being a wife and not a betrayed wife.
          I guess when the time is right, I will know, but it is definately on my mind.

    • livingonafence

      The karma bus ALWAYS gets these tramps. The OW in my case, well her aunt died, then her dog, then her mother, and now her sister had cancer. My telling made her H, who thought she was an angel, watch her, and she did it again, and then again, and this time it became physical. He threw her out. She’s on welfare, family is dying off, etc.
      And still she has the balls to write on FB : What is love? Love doesn’t deceive, or stray when bored, blah blah blah. She isn’t sorry at all, so Karma is beating her ass!!! 🙂

      • strengthrequired

        Omg, when does this ow that you have had o deal with loaf actually wake up. It’s just crazy. I think if my h ow lost all her family, it would just make my h feel sorry for her again. I would prefer karma to hit her and only her. Her family turning against her and she loses them that way, then that’s different.
        She has no idea on what love is, and maybe her additional bit of karma s never knowing, so her fb page will still have the same comment. Lol

        My h ow told him, I don’t love you, what I have is more deeper than love. Pffft, what is deeper than love? Later on it changed to I love you. So wa did she do downgrade her love for him. Lol

    • Blue

      The bottom line with all actions though is how revenge would affect other innocent people, like the innocent daughter, or children. Sure, we may think that hitting OP soft spot will feel validating, but the poor innocent kid! That’s who would have been shamed and ridiculed, possibly outcast for thier cheating parents’ actions. No kid deserves that. The OP was cruel and disrespectful enough to have an affair, do you think they’ll really care what thier kid goes through because of it? Probs not as much as the ‘shamed’ kid will.

      Just be careful how our own actions will affect others that are innocent. When I think of all sides of ramifications due to my actions, I step back and am so glad I held off. I would never want to be the cause of pain for an innocent kid/person unless they were in danger.

      Now, in saying that. I never told the OW husband because I was afraid at how his knowing would affect my kids in the big picture, my H losing his job, losing everything monetary. I feel like crap to this day, that he may catch an STD from her, and so many other reasons ! I feel selfish and evil for ‘not’ telling him because how it would affect MY Kids, Our Life.

      • Blue

        BTW I do fantasize about revenge, the kind involving poop on her face, a fly up her nose, preferrable at a large meeting, flower pots falling on her head, like the country song ‘Pray for Him’ It’s funny! I think I feel this of her because she contacted me and promised me things that I never asked of her, all I asked was just please stay away from my family (stalker?) Then she broke that promise (more than once) and basically dismissed me over her next fake ‘I’m sorry’ email. So, yes, I pray for her, that a flower pot falls on her head or that she gets messy ugly sloppy drunk and poops her pants in front of all her co-workers, including my H. That’s just fantasizing and I wish I could stop just thinking about her meaness because I’m keeping her alive and really I just want to be totally disinterested, non affected, just feel nothing, nothing, nothing about her. She does not deserve my thoughts. I should be grateful that my H says the only thing he feels for her is remorse, embarrassment and shame that he ever became involved with her. I guess this is my secret revenge knowing he feels this way about her now. I just wish she knew too, but we don’t want to make her mad, we sure don’t want any bunny boiling from her.

    • strengthrequired

      Blue, you know what would be a wonderful bit of sweet victory, I can’t say revenge because it wouldn’t be me saying anything, but being able to stand next to my h all loving, she comes by and stops, my h then tearing her down piece by piece, telling her she is disgusting, he wishes he never knew her, he wishes he never tried to help her, that if he never sees her again, it would be too soon. Telling her there was a reason he was with his wife for so long and remained with her, because she is the most important person in his life, and she would never hurt another family.
      Ohhhh the smile that would come on my face, seeing her being put in her place like the trash she is, would be a sweet sweet victory moment.
      However, I think that is just my fantasy, lol.

    • overwhelmed

      Lots of great comments here, but that’s what I’ve come to expect from you beautiful people. Me? I’m exacting revenge. Each and every day
      . I’m doing it by being strong and showing her that I’m good. I’ve got the kids well taken care of, the house is getting slowly cleaned, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, bath time and I’m running a business. All solo. Oh, sweet, sweet revenge. 😉

    • strengthrequired

      Yay, overwhelmed, you are just as wonderful. What’s wrong with your wife, she has mr wonderful as a husband but hangs off mr foldout coach. Ohhh dear me, if your wife doesn’t wake up to herself, she will regret it, because some other lucky woman will take her place.
      Now let’s do the sums, who outweighs the other
      Mr wonderful reliable loving husband in one hand or mr holdup cheating lying coach on the other.
      Hmm, not too hard to see which one ways more favorably.
      Mr wonderful….

      Crazy, why do people choose to lessen themselves and not better themselves.

      • overwhelmed

        Hey, what a coincidence, I like me too.

        Thank you SR! 🙂

        Seriously though, she’s sick. Really, really sick. We had what will be our final counseling session today. Not by her choice, not by mine, but the counselors choice. We were discussing how I feel her actions are harming the children. The counselor agreed our current situation is not healthy for the kids. We began discussing how we will begin scheduling visits for W so the kids can see on a calendar and nothing will be left to chance for anyone involved. W started to get angry (actually she’s angry the whole time we’re in counseling sessions… go figure) when we discussed how it was not healthy for the children to go to OM’s place at this time. The counselor was pretty insistent that this CANNOT happen at this time. W got up, yelled something about something (I didn’t catch it, and frankly don’t really care) and stormed out of the counselors office. The counselor and I both sat there for a few seconds with our jaws hanging down. Minutes earlier, I had been talking about how historically, when W encounters strife in any relationship, she bolts. And there it was, live and in action.
        The counselor offered to continue seeing me if I feel I need it and offered a shorter sessions for less money if that’s better for me (Did I mention I like her?), but stated clearly that she would be wasting everyone’s time and my money by continuing to see both of us..
        She wants me to get counseling for the kids immediately (we all already know that) and hopes W will do the same elsewhere. Not likely until she hits rock bottom.
        She asked me before I left how I am doing. What do I feel about all this. I told her, as strange as it sounds, I am happy, all things considered. I’ve got things in hand at home, my business may be suffering a bit, but now that things are under control at home, I can begin to focus a bot more on my business. I also mentioned that I’ve realized that I kinda like the possibility of meeting someone new. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even soon, but I like the idea.
        She smiled at me.

    • strengthrequired

      Overwhelmed, you are showing such strength, I admire you, so much. Your children are so lucky to have you. I’m so glad they have such a great role model in their lives to look up to and follow. Your w is selfish, there is no doubt about it. Her behaviour is appalling. I can only imagine the impact to your children if she expected them to visit her om home. What is she thinking? She certainly isn’t thinking of them right now, and she definately can’t expect to play house with them at his home.
      It’s always a fear of mine, having another person trying to be a mother or father to my children, in your face but behind your face be terrible to them.
      It must be some kind of relief to have the counsellors backup, with that respect. I know I’m relieved for you. I hope the words the counsellor told your wife today have a dramatic impact on her, and makes her see the light.
      Yet you know, you are doing everything right to move forward for you, you have the right attitude, that’s what I admire about you. I’m not sure how I would have coped, I would hope that I would have been able to move forward the way you have.
      Yet I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting a woman that has 6 kids, so I guess my life would have been a lonely one.
      I’m thankful that my h sees me for the person I am, that’s for sure.
      Our business is still suffering too, after such a blow to our lives you can expect it I guess, yet what’s after rock bottom? Only one way, up, up, up. Our suffering will eventually be our glory.
      One day at a time, that’s all any of us can do.

      • strengthrequired

        How nice, you like your counselor. Wink wink. You deserve good honest people around you, and you will end up with just that.

        • overwhelmed

          Hahaha, when I wrote that last line, “She smiled at me.” I thought it might be misinterpreted and was going to post a follow up, but I thought, “Nah, it’s just me.”

          I honestly meant I really, really like her as a counselor. She’s helped me to see that I am doing well, is not afraid to tell me where I screwed up, and more importantly why and everything in between.

          Sadly, I don’t think the counselors words had any effect on my soon-to-be former wife-ish. Maybe they did, and when her mind was forced to see reality for what it is, she had no choice but to bolt, but I doubt it.

          I would also add that I agree with your thoughts about someone else participating in the raising of our children. From all the evidence that I have, this OM is not a very good person. Oh, he may be nice, and swell, and sensitive and have the most spectacular pull-out-couch in the entire kingdom, and all of these other wonderful things, but the simple fact that he is actively participating in ripping apart the lives of two young children tells me he is a horrible person at best, downright evil at worst. So, no, he will not participate in my childrens’ lives for as long as I can reasonably and legally prevent it. End of story.

          And having this counselor back me up on much of what’s going on is one of the reasons I am where I am today. Did I mention I like her????

          I hope you and your husband can continue to grow your business back to what it was before this mess. I’m beginning to understand how difficult this can be, but it can be done. I’ve found, using advice from my mother, that simply expressing to clients that you’ve experienced a family tragedy can buy you some time and they typically respond as humans are wont to do. With compassion and patience.

          6 kids? Add another 2? Are you available? I’d be in heaven. 😉

          Kidding, kidding, We’ve both got a lot of work to do. Now’s let’s get to it!!!

          • strengthrequired

            Hahaha, funny too. At the moment no, lol. Could you imagine, met on a emotional affair site.
            At least we know here there are plenty of good kind hearted people here with integrity and compassion for others.

            I was just kidding too with the counsellor, lol, I knew what you meant. Keep your eyes wide open overwhelmed, that special woman will walk into your life when you least expect it, you will be floored when she does.

            I’m pretty lucky my h is still here, I would die, if his ow had any contact with my children, it wouldn’t do them any good. How much more faithful can you get, 6 kids and 23 yrs together, I still won’t ever understand his frame of mind when he let her manipulate him into thinking his wife was ruining him. He should have looked deeper into her eyes and saw it was her who was ruining him. Mind you we started off with nothing, just two young people working towards a life and future together without expecting help from anyone, we did it all ourselves. Yet I will continue to stand by his side, because he is my everything.

            Yes alot of work to do……..

    • strengthrequired

      Ohh and overwhelmed, guess what, my husbands employee couldn’t go into work today, guess why?
      Ok I will tell you.

      His wife has been having an affair behind his back, she waited until she finished her university degree before leaving him yesterday. This poor guy is devastated, yet you know what, thank god they had no children together.
      Her om is just as much of a deceitful person spreading rumors about this poor guy. If you met him, he is quiet, relaxed, doesn’t yell, is polite, really doesn’t say boo, when ever I have seen him.
      I told my h, see how the other person that comes into our marriages cause so much damage without any care in the world. He said I know, he feels so sorry for this young employee.
      In a way I am glad my h can see first hand how someone other than me goes through the pain grief and trauma of such deceit. By not seeing me as just being over dramatic.
      It’s just a shame though another person is going through this.

      • overwhelmed

        Well thank God they have no kids. Once he gets himself back on his feet, I’m sure he’ll find it easier to move on. I guess it’s easy for me to assume that though, because I know now I would have been gone a long time ago if it weren’t for the kids.
        I guess that’s unfair though. Without having kids, you can’t really understand how much easier it is to just dump the trash and move on if you don’t have kids.

        Another one to join our ranks. 🙁 Invite him to this site, without letting him know you’re here. You know it will help him as it has helped us all.

    • strengthrequired

      I don’t have a lot to do with this young man, I guess he is lucky in a way he found out now about his wife before kids arrived. Yet it doesn’t heal the pain he is in, it’s a terrible pain knowing you were tossed to the side like dog poo.

      I won’t tell him about this site only because, I don’t know if I want my h coming on here, it’s my little place of solace. I do tell him a few stories but that’s about it.

      • Disappointed

        Sorry but the no kids comments are bothering me. yes kids make things more complicated, but not having kids doesn’t make it hurt less. In fact, I think having kids would at least show that at some point it was all real and there is evidence of your love left behind. Kids are responsibility but they are also love and comfort and living proof that there was love.

        • strengthrequired

          Disappointed, the no kids comment isn’t saying it doesn’t hurt less because no kids, it is stating that lucky no kids are in the picture because less lives hurt the better.
          No one said his hurt is less than anyone else’s. Pain is pain.
          I will give you an example.
          I have had several miscarriages, now whether be early on, or later on in the pregnancy or even after having a child, the pain you are in is your own pain, no one can say to you your pain is less than somebody else’s, a life is a life no matter how early or how far, the love you have for your child unborn or not is true and it is not measurable.
          It’s the same in our cases, affairs, whether kids are involved or not, it is pain that is your pain, it is not measurable by somebody else’s, a betrayal is a betrayal by any means.
          When kids are involved, then they are in pain, more innocent lives hurt.

        • Blue

          Disappointed, I agree with you and StrengthRequired. It is No less painful for you, your pain is your pain.

          I think that another thing to say about kids in the picture is that we feel we weren’t enough even with kids, that it still didn’t prove that what we had was real. It proves why ‘unffairs’ are so f*#ked up! Why CS are so f*#ked up and wouldn’t even try to work on the commitment they made before they work on the next one. They behave like selfish, greedy losers, then they get caught, then they still believe that it’s everyone elses fault, then if you’re lucky, they start understanding how f*#ked they are themselves. Don’t count on it though, you can only be accountable for yourself, how we are as a person- no one can do that for us.
          I wish you love from someone who deserves your love.

          • Disappointed

            The OW has kids, didn’t stop her. Bottom line affairs are for the incredibly selfish. My brain gets it, but late at night and alone with my thoughts I just feel empty and discarded. I know it is his loss and I deserve better in my head. But how I feel is completely bereft. anger is not coming to my rescue 😉 and karma will be way too slow. Wish I could get mad.

            • strengthrequired

              Disappointed, karma always seems like it never going to arrive at its rightful destination, does it? Yet it will. Hopefully we hear about it when it does, so we can sit back and go, finally.
              When you mentioned having children showed love existed between a couple. Can I say this? Love exists between people who don’t too, and love doesn’t always exist with couples that do have them.
              After things started sinking in with my h ea, at times I could not stop thinking that maybe our life was a lie. Maybe he had always wanted his ow, but because she was married (apparently miserable and not in love 3kids too). That he just settled with me waiting for his and her time. You would think that after having so many children over 20 yrs, that these thoughts wouldn’t even enter yoir mind, then again, you would also think that your h wouldn’t start believing someone else about the feelings you have for him, that you don’t love him. Yet it happened.
              My point is, your h loved you, don’t forget that, she can’t ake away the and your h shared loving each other, your love started beautiful, what’s so grand about the way she happened. If she is like my h ow, left her h, then needed some poor bugger to help raise her kids and it didn’t matter who took the bait. Things won’t be rosy for her forever. Things will start to darken.
              Always believe in yourself, don’t let this woman rip your heart out any more, or your h. They don’t deserve the satisfaction.
              You deserve the satisfaction of showing them how wonderful you are, how happy you are, show them you are the better person, and the trash gets taken to the rubbish dump.
              You deserve happiness, always always remember that, and I hope you get to see the day soon, when that karma train, comes into ow town and stays a while.
              Cyber hugs

            • tryinghard

              You break my heart. I wish you would get mad too. Sending hugs and putting you front and center in my prayers.

        • overwhelmed

          Disappointed, I’m sure nobody is minimizing your pain with the comments about kids. For me, I probably would have walked away a lot sooner if not for the kids. That’s all.

          Although I’m pretty much done with W at this time, it still hurts to think of the damage this has caused my kids. 🙁

    • Rachel

      My soon to be ex begged me to have an affair after I found out about his. Although he claimed it was just a friendship with oink,oink.
      He said we’d be even then.
      I didn’t , that’s not me.

    • tryinghard

      This is something I was thinking about on my drive to work this morning. My H during our split actually yelled, “go have an affair, I don’t care if it’s with a (racial expletive that I hate)”. I just laughed in his face. Of course he would want me to have an affair and bring myself to his low level. No way I would give him that satisfaction. If I want real revenge it won’t be by having an affair. That would be too easy. I will divorce him and sick my bad ass lawyer on him. He would have to be committed once he was done with him!!! A revenge affair, I’m sorry but I see that as going for the low hanging fruit. There are better ways.

    • Rachel

      After my h told me about his affair with his ” soul mate” he said they have a pheromone connection. That sounds like more then catching up lunch dates to me.
      Sorry having a bad day. Just got back from a wonderful vacation with my boys. Now it’s back to the normal chattering in my head and anxiety. It was nice to be by the shore and not getting stares at being the one who got dumped.
      Thanks for letting me vent.

      • tryinghard

        OK time for some confidence building!!! Well no one said they weren’t smelly!!! I remember coming into the office and the OW worked here and of course I didn’t know about it and remembering, OMG she stinks. What kind of stinky ass perfume was she wearing??? You’re H said some of the stupidest things I have ever heard. Anyone who looks at you and thinks there’s the one who was dumped doesn’t even deserve for you to even acknowledge them!!! But I know what you are saying. I love going out of town. Yes everyone, whether they Know us personally or third party knows about my dumb ass H and what he did. He used to be pretty respected in the community but since his affair not so much. You can do all the good in the world and you do something catastrophic like have an affair with a woman like he chose and sorry pal but that’s what you are going to be remembered for. Me and I’m not patting myself on the back, everyone wants to tell me how much the admire me. Especially my employees. They all hated her. She was a big lying trouble maker around the office. They say I killed the wicked witch of the west!!!

        I’m so happy you had a good vacation with your boys. UGH I would like to be at the beach right now or the mountains. Toooo busy at work, which I hate. Had a big fight last night with H because it has always been this business that has made my life a misery (but it also feeds me and that is why I am here. To protect my financial interests) and the priority he gives it. Just a big disrespect to me last night. Told him very assertively that I was over it and have had 30 years of it and wasn’t going to do it anymore. He turned white. Doesn’t help today is 2 year anniversary of DDay 2!!! Not having triggers though, just reaffirming that if my marriage ends, I will be just fine. OK a little angry. That’s my choice though.

        I hope you have some good friends who are supporting you through all this Rachel. You sound like a lovely woman, good hearted and DOES NOT DESERVE THIS. I hope your divorce is over soon so you can move on. I know you will. In the mean time, vent away girlfriend!!

        I hope I’m not overstepping by saying your H is a true asshole. You deserve better and I know you will find it, with or without a man.

      • exercisegrace

        So glad you had a good vacation. So praying for this to come to closure for you. You deserve that, and so much more.

        Hold your head high friend, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Half of those people are probably *really* thinking….there goes that woman who was married to that dumba$$, she’s lucky to be getting away from him!

        Seriously though……nobody around us knows. I walk around thinking “if you only knew…..” and feeling like a fraud. This is not an easy road.

    • Gizfield

      Looked up pheremone in dictionary. Any chemical substance released by an animal that serves to influence the physiology or behavior I’d other members of the same species . Sounds fabulous. Can’t argue with logic like that.

    • Rachel

      Thank you, trying hard. Words from the past seem to be showing up in my head today. Keeping busy at work is good to stop the thoughts as well as vacation. Sitting home, not good.
      Actually I will be visiting friends today. They have been extremely supportive.
      And no worries, that’s what my friends and I refer my ex as,”asshole”.

      • Tryinghard

        Hey Rachel. BTW my husbands an asshole too.

        • overwhelmed


          • tryinghard

            Overwhelmed and Disappointed
            The children are the innocent bystanders that feel the repercussions the most of their parents bad choices. We screw up our kids enough under normal circumstances let alone when we choose to break up the family because well we just aren’t happy!!! I wish my son would have divorced the first time their had problems 2 years after their wedding but I wouldn’t have my precious grandson. I hate it for him the most that his parents are idiots! Of course there was love and probably still is but that doesn’t change the fact that families are being destroyed and children’s lives are being permanently scared. Yes I do feel more sorry for children than any adult.

            We all sacrifice for our children. Heck I still do and my sons are grown. Part of the reason I stay is because my sons work at our business. I could divorce and decimate the business and then where would they be? That’s certainly not the main reason I am staying but it is certainly part of it. I’m sure for him too. I’m sure his lawyer gave him a lot to think about.

    • Dawninghearts

      I’m the spouse of a man who cheated with multiple women over 14 years (I had no idea until d-day over 2 years ago). I’ve experienced the fantasy of seeking revenge early on in my healing process, but thanks to my support group and words like what Susie and Otto said here, I kept myself true to the person I am and in line with how God wants me to be. God will seek revenge for us. In the meantime, I’m living in the present, working on my healing and building a stronger marriage. Thinking of those OW just robs me of time that I will never get back. I’m focused on my kids and now my own relationship/recovery business. Wishing you well in your healing journey.

    • Monique

      Hi all. I’m new here. D day was 6 weeks ago. I have gone back & forth about telling OW husband. I have not as yet because he is a recently recovering alcoholic. They have 2 kids & I just hate to think what he will do after finding out. I hate to think of his kids not having him around. I feel like I have to believe karma will take care of her. And once it does, the fall out will be all on her and I won’t feel guilty about what happens to the bitch and her family. Thoughts?

      • Tryinghard

        The OW in my H life, her boyfriend called the night he left and told me a lot. I was grateful he called. He gave my a lot of info and called my H and enlightened him to things he didn’t know about her. It’s a tough call. I always believe the spouse deserves the right to know and what he does with the info is his business. You need to stay safe. Yes karma will get her. How do you know for sure he’s a recovering alcoholic? Remember our spouse lie a lot. So do their affair partners. At 6 weeks you may not be getting all the truth. Are you trying to reconcile? Is he done seeing her as in no contact? Are you certain? This is a very delicate time. You need to get all the truth before you out anybody. Don’t believe everything he tells you right now. He doesn’t want you contacting her or her husband. Maybe you should contact her via an email or letter telling her to back off or you will go to her husband.

      • forcryin'outloud

        M, both your H and the OW will lie and they will lie about everything (even to one another) for too long. It took my H 4 mos to come clean about the most important garbage and 1.5 yrs after d-day I found out some more disturbing details. This was after fights, counseling, and uprooting our family.
        My H’s AP was dealing with an alcoholic/drug addict H and there is no doubt that’s a good part of what drove she and my H together. He wanted to save her because he had dumped her back in high school and felt he was somehow part of her problems (because these CSs think everything is about them). I never contacted her H because karma had bitten both of them in the a$$ by the time I had found out about the EA. He had gotten 2 DUIs in 10 days, they had lost their house, he had no iob and their kids were/are train wrecks. All that info and more I gathered free on the internet just following the crumbs. It was sad. And like I told my H, “Did you ever consider that idiot could have shown up on our door ready to kick your a$$ or worse? Or that you contributed to tearing a family further apart.”
        My suggestion would be to ensure your H ABSOLUTELY has no contact with her, especially if they work together. Then I would gather all the truth you can find out before dealing with the OW’s H. For me if I would have contacted the OW’s H it would have probably pushed them back together because my H still after 2 yrs since he had “seen” her still felt deeply concerned for her sorry life. It wasn’t until he started to see the long term damage his actions had on the entire family did he wake up or as they put it come out of the fog.
        This journey is so messy and I am so sorry you are going through this crisis. You will find a world of help here.

    • BAM

      Hi Monique,

      I am a recent victim of my husbands EA. I found out on May 25, 2013. I did speak with the OW, from my H’s cell phone. She thought it was him calling. She has 2 children, young children. She told me she did not want to hurt my family, I told her back that I didn’t want to hurt hers. I don’t think she got it. I was ready to call her husband. Through the internet I found her address, where she works and her home phone number. The OW tried to contact my H by his work email, work phone and a card that was sent to him. If she contacts him once more, my H and I have agreed that I will contact her husband. I feel bad about the children, but my H and I have a life too.

      My H assumed total responsibility for his “only friend” affair and we are in the process of marriage counseling and healing. We have been married for 25 years and I would never have believed this would happen to us.

      Good luck with contacting the OW’s husband if you decide to do so.

    • Tryinghard

      The OW boyfriend/stepson actually called my H and threatened to kill him. He was moved out. Do you think he had the decency to call me and say “hey TH I know you’ve talked to this guy and you should know he threatened to kill me. You need to watch out”. Hell no. Thirty years of marriage and he didn’t even have the guts to do that. Fog my ass. They’re idiots. UGH what am I thinking. I swear if this were the Titanic he’d throw me out of the lifeboat so he could have a spot. Karma….

    • allayfig222

      My cheating H is a lawyer. The OW’s is a lawyer, too. The EA went on for 18 months and included 17,000 minutes on their cell phones, 600 texts and 100 emails. I caught them and read 3 days’ worth of disgusting emails and later found the cell phone bills, etc.
      Here’s the question: My H and I are trying to work things out (over 2 years after D Day) and I still obsess about revenge and, especially, telling her H, but mine says the other H can sue my husband for alienation of affection, even if the couple does not divorce. Is that true??

      • Doug

        allayfig, I’m not sure, but I believe that depending on the state you live in, that is indeed a possibility. I’d ask another lawyer in your state or search online to be sure.

      • Tryinghard

        Not all states have that law. Illinois does. It’s still a very real law but doesn’t prosecute well from what I hear. The guy would be doing it to humiliate your H He should have thought about that sooner. Tell the husband anonymously

    • Strengthrequired

      If inky they had the alienation of affection laws where I live, I would have sued the ass of my h’s ow. If only……
      My h ow needed to know her place and trying to break up a family and ruin the lives of young children, maybe she would have thought twice.
      All the best allay….

    • Gizfield

      Allayfig, what a wuss he is. More likely, he doesn’t want to get beat up or embarrassed. I’ve never heard of anyone doing this, so I imagine it’s not that easy. I’d search online, or schedule a consultation with my own attorney. Most states are too busy to mess with this kind of crap. My attorney said even if you could PROVE adultery (full on sex) if you continued to have sex with them they’d throw it out. I believe your situation is called stonewalling, or gaslighting, or just plain old ordinary intimidation.

    • Gizfield

      I’d also bet this was done on work time, and hes afraid he will face consequences at work. Or maybe he is afraid you will find out the real truth.

    • Gizfield

      Honestly, he just sounds like another Cheater, covering for his girlfriend. So she csn continue her life, without being under the watchful eye of her hubby. You are the victim, so tell him you would file a countersuit, and would add like breech of contract , or loss of consortium, or whatever. I think hes trying to scare you to hide a bigger secret. I bet they are still in contact.

    • Gizfield

      Google says my state, along with most others, has abolished Alienation of Affection laws. Along with Criminal Conversation Laws. What the hell is that??? Sounds intriguing.

    • allayfig

      Yes, he is a wuss! Once he mistakenly comforted her by saying “Aw, Monkey”, which was his nickname for me. She picked up on it and said, “Thank you, noone’s ever had a pet name for me before” and began signing her messages, ” Your Monkey”. He didn’t have the balls to say it was a mistake.
      When she started saying “I love you” to him on the phone, he first told her she was being ridiculous and later started answering her with “I love you, too” and more– so she wouldn’t stop taking his calls.
      A wuss, indeed!
      Thanks for all your responses!

      • Strengthrequired

        That’s the thing allayfig, our spouses become wusses because they get themselves in something so deep they are unsure how to react. So they don’t want to hurt this ow, so just go with the flow and tell her what she wants to hear. Then she never stops trying to capture him completely.
        If they weren’t so wussy, all they needed to do was say, it’s enough, you need to stop, I’m married and not planningmon leaving my wife, I do not love you.
        If she heard thatmit would have stopped dead in it’s tracks. As soon as that I love you comes up it gets harder to stop.
        My h would call me babe so what did his ow want from him? For him to call her babe, so he did, all because she wanted him to. So your h isn’t alone in the wussy department.

    • allayfig

      I have another question: I think the intent of this site is to help us RESIST the urge for revenge against our cheating spouse or the affair partner, but if you acted on your revenge fantasy, did it make you feel better?

    • Redemption

      That’s an interesting question and interesting observation. This site did help me control my revenge fantasy against the ow and for the most part against my H. I did write a letter to the ow that was never sent to her. I did read it to my H in anger and that helped a little. Just a little. My H has never acknowledged with me that he chose the “low hanging fruit”. And yes, he too was a big wuss ass because he told me that the ow “expected” him to tell her he loved her, so he did. I have told him this is how he “paid” for his sex. Saying I love you made him not feel as guilty taking the sex she so freely offered. He made up many justifications for continuing the A because the A made him “feel somewhat better”. (He was in full blown midlife crisis mode/depression) He has relayed to me several times how he feels so ashamed now but that doesn’t help my pain much.

      I have often fantasized about having a conversation with the ow. One in which I can make the ow feel some shame as to her own actions. Some self shame at letting herself be so used. She was the active participant who made herself available/used whenever my H decided to drop into town for dinner and sex.. (She lives in another city.) She was the active particpant who tried to destroy my family. Perhaps happily. And my biggest fantasy is making the ow feel some shame that when my daughter outed the affair to the ow, the ow made up one lie after another to justify being a whore. She, the ow, thought there was an “arrangement” between my husband and I that made it ok she slept with him! My daughter called her on the lies and she never came clean. Before being outed the ow would message asking if it was “safe” for my H to talk, and to call her when it was “safe” for him. So much for any agreed upon arrangement. And to make matters worse my H never believed the ow said the lies she said. Go figure. I believe he thinks my daughter made up the “lies” as part of her protection of me. But it had all the earmarks of authenticity. He just couldn’t see the ow as being capable of lying. (Said the blind man.)

      I will never contact the ow now as it been approx. 1 1/2 years post d-day. So yes, i ruminate and get angry that the ow never had any repercussions for her deceit and lies. I get angry that she has a daughter almost the same age as ours and the daughter has no knowledge her mother is a whore. I would love to tell her but never would because I rationalize the shame is her mother’s, not her’s.

      Did the ow ever have a twinge of guilt? I’ll never know. I can just fanatasize and believe that somewhere, at sometime, there is a just world in which she will suffer for her selfish stupidity. Although, maybe if I had acted on my revenge I would be further ahead in my own journey to healing? I tend to believe that had I acted, then at least it would be done with, no matter the repercussions. When it’s done no more time and energy is wasted. One can move on in life.

      • Strengthrequired

        Redemption, I seen the ow, I spoke with the ow and I sent her messages to sat away from my h. None of it worked, she had no remorse, no guilt or shame. She honestly believed she deservedcmy h and i didn’t. She even wanted my children, so she could keep my h. She snuck around behind my back with my h in the hopes of getting him away from me, so let me tel you a woman like the ones we have had been dealt with does not care and did not care about you or your daughter, she only cared for herself. It wouldn’t have mattered if you met with her or even talked, or sent the letter, they just don’t give a shit. So don’t worry about what could have happened when it comes to the ow, it is far too draining mentally.
        I used to hope that she would somehow feel the shame and guilt about trying to break a family, my youngest was just one at the time, but no, she was still around when my youngest turned two, still hoping my h would wake up to himself and leave me, still nagging him to leave me.
        Wasting your time and energy on the ow can be useless, and draining, even though at the time it would have felt good to just let her have it, but when they just keep on ignoring your requests to leave your h alone, it just isn’t worth it, she sees it as a game and he is the prize to win.

    • Paula

      Redemption, what strength said. The OW, supposedly one of my oldest friends, is a sociopath (I kind of had an inkling my whole life, but you know, silly old, “how does that affect me” – affected me pretty damn hard, actually!) NEVER allow such a person anywhere near your life, you can’t fix them, they are damaged goods, I felt sorry for this one, and I continually tried to help her, urgh. Most of these parasites on society have no remorse. Ours even said I totally deserved it, because I obviously wasn’t doing enough to prevent him cheating. (Mmm, wonder where the “not good enough” record playing in my head came from???”) Meh. Awesome logic, bitch. That has never stopped me having revenge fantasies! Oh, they are GOOD. I will never carry any out, I don’t want to end up in a worse (how the hell could it get any worse, lol) position, and I would be the sociopath then 😉 As strength said, do not waste the time and energy. I thought we could all meet and have an adult conversation about this in the early days, we both tried to tee it up, but no way, she point blank refused – was happy to meet him, but I was NOT welcome. Give up, they are insane, filthy disease infested, gutless and not worth your thoughts. There is no winning with this one, she always has to come out the winner in life – yep, she really thinks like that, she has NEVER in her 46 years had a long term relationship, is a single mother, with few friends, but she is a winner. No wonder she bunny boiled, HOW the hell could she have “lost” to little old, not-a-high-flyer, a-bit-on-the-chubby-side (she is tall, svelte,brunette, I am shorter, flame-haired and an hourglass) Paula? What went wrong in her universe to ALLOW such an error? Poor thing, that must have been such a blow, lol. As Charlie Sheen so eloquently put it – WINNING!!! Yeah, right.

    • allayfig

      I did do something to compensate me for the truly romantic letters he wrote to her that I was able to read (much more romantic than anything he had said to me since our first year of dating). I make him write me a romantic letter for every birthday, Valentine’s day, anniversary, anniversary of the day we met, Christmas, anniversary of DDay. On the anniversary of the day of their last call (7 weeks after DDay), I make him write a letter to the Bimbo telling her how he feels about her and their affair now (not to send to her, but I do keep them in case I ever want to send them). He says it was so easy to write “just words” to her, but he struggles to write these letters to me (especially because he knows I would go ballistic if he used the same phrases he used to her, like “I love you more than the air I breathe” and “I will love you forever”.) So maybe that is a suitable revenge.

    • Evelyn

      My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year, and two years ago I discovered several conversations on his phone that revealed and affair with two different girls. When I confronted him, he accepted his guilt, said he was sorry and has really made an effort to save the relationship. He has made important changes in the way he communicates and he has stopped all communication with these girls. However, I have made several mistakes, such as checking his electronics, confronting him with questions about who he is talking to when I see him chatting in my presence, blaming him for my anxiety and sadness after what happenned, etc. He has been very patient during this time, but lately he has become angry and sad because he says he feels no matter how hard he tries, I´m constantly judging him based on the past and that I´m not respecting his right to privacy because I always want to check is electronics. He has changed the password on all of them and gets angry if I nag him about why he stayed up late, or why he´s online and not talking to me, or asking him what he´s doing every hour. I´ve become really annoying and I don´t know how to stop. The fear of losing him and the trauma of what I went through is going to chase him away because of my actions. I really wish I could relax, let him have his privacy and trust him. I love him dearly and I know he does too, and we both want to be together, but I´m ruining it. Please help me!

    • Steve

      I came on this site because I’ve been having revenge “fantasies” all day. They don’t help. Would breaking the SOB’s kneecaps help? I think so. He doesn’t know I know, so I could probably get away with it…card up the sleeve and all that. When it comes down to it, I’m about 10 months past DDay and still angry. They say don’t make decisions based on emotions and I’m getting there. I will wait until the two year point and if I’m not “over it” by then, I’m moving to Bali (where my wife and I dreamed of retiring). No kids, plenty of dough….why not? That’s my revenge and that’s good enough for me. We’ll see. Not saying I won’t break his kneecaps before I go. WTH.

    • Cindy

      I Have thought about what kind of revenge I could take against my husbands OW. Its been two years. The best revenge I found is to download her picture from the internet and make flyers and title the flyer “Lost Dog” and post the flyers everywhere in her neighborhood and in her town….I have not done it but it sure would feel good

    • Frodo

      My wife was date raped into an affair with a coworker. She didn’t stop it because she thought he would raise hell at work and she would be embarrassed by her coworkers and I would find out and leaver her. The guy was a sociopath and groomed her to get close. (Don’t know what grooming is look it up) Came across this article 4 weeks after D day because things didn’t add up. She wasn’t emotionally involved and thought of him only as a friend. Never wanted sex to happen with him EVER! Then he got her drunk and turned her NO into nothing. Yes she said no but as a sociopath he convinced her he would not try again. He violated her and she couldn’t tell me because he’d been a secret friend. She asked me if she could have a guy friend. That this much older man at work was nice. I said no get some girlfriends first because i knew what guys wanted. Month or two later she asked again i said bring him by and we’ll talk and have beer and he wouldn’t. He knew what he was doing all along while he gave us gifts of cookies for our kids and deer meat as well as other baked and canned goods. I should have checked phone records then or went down to where she works and made sure I was known. The fact is a 38yr woman whose married and has 4 kids, 3 of them under the age of 5 doesn’t want a 53yr old man who had 3 x wives. He got her attention with a sob story saying his last one died.

      So after all that I absolutely hate this man and wish fire and brimstone upon him. Karma is too slow. I’m not playing with crayons to make me feel better. I want the justice systems to catch up on sexual coercion laws and make this truly illegal. However, it would still be his word against hers and so hard to prosecute. She made the mistake of going out to his house but that wasn’t consent. She gave no such consent. After he pulled her in the first time he would emotionally abuse her calling her a whore and a cunt if she wouldn’t put out again. It was Sociopath treachery. He would call her friends lesbians and if she was caught talking to guys at work she would be called a whore for doing so like he was jealous. All this behind my back for 5 months.

    • Izzy

      Well the OW still works with my husband and he’s her manager. I was at the H’s Christmas party and saw her for the first time since DD. I already knew her as one of the employees and I had to hold back from approaching her. I really want to go to her work and tell her in person to stay away from my husband ( but with a few explicits in there). Is that wrong?

    • Lisa

      I told the OW husband and he called me a b____. Still he deserved to know.

      • Candi

        Our D-Day was Oct. 1st 2016 snd I told her husband on Oct. 5th. My husband came home from livid and wanted to know why I told him – “Why should she get off while I’m suffering. Bob needs to know the kind of whore he’s married to. Misery loves company. You’re more worried about her than me so I think you should leave and go live with her.” Stopped him cold! Through a lot of hard work and counseling we are still together. She wanted a divorce so she and her hubby divorced in 2018. I still want revenge on her and I will get it. Believe it or not we’re friends with her hubby and his new wife. Our counselor thought it was strange and in her 30 years of counseling had never counseled an affair like my hubbys.

    • John

      After trying the whole recovery after an affair nonsense it’s all BS lol. Emotional affair? Oh you mean you think they never F**cked? Lmao yea sure buddy whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.