Here's What Every Unfaithful Person Must Do to Help Their Spouse Get Over Their Affair
Save the Marriage, Restore the Trust and Earn Forgiveness
If you (or your spouse) can relate to this, then you’re in the right place:
A Journal Entry…
"Today was really hard, just like those days when I feel really bad about what I did wrong. It's so quiet between me and my partner, and it feels like every look from her reminds me of the trust I broke. I'm full of guilt and wish I could go back and change things, but I know I can't. All I can do now is try to fix things, even though it seems super hard.
I didn't realize how much my actions would hurt. Just saying sorry doesn't seem to be enough for all the pain I've caused her. It makes me feel really bad. I've hurt the person I care about the most, and it's really hard to deal with that every single day.
I really want to make things right, but I'm not sure how to do it. Every time I try to fix things, it doesn't seem to work out right. I want to show her I'm still the man she fell in love with, but it's tough to find the right way to show it.
The thought of losing her is really scary. I want to do more than just fix our relationship; I want to make it stronger than before. I hope she can forgive me, even though sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. But how can I show her I'm serious about making things better?
I know that what I do is more important than what I say. I need to be patient and give her time to heal, but I also need to be there for her. I have to be honest and open in everything I do to rebuild trust, bit by bit. I'm ready to really listen to her pain and what she needs. I'm willing to go to counseling with her, talk about my feelings, why I did what I did, and make sure it never happens again.
I'm holding on to hope that, with time and a lot of effort, we can get back together. I dream of a day when all of this is just a memory and our relationship is stronger because of it. It's going to be tough, but she means everything to me, and I'm not giving up. I owe it to her to fight for the love we had and to rebuild it, step by step."
Hi, I'm Doug.
Over the years I've had the pleasure to talk to hundreds of people who are struggling with infidelity - both betrayed spouses and unfaithful spouses. But today, I want to focus on the one who was unfaithful. That may be you - or it may be your partner.
It's very clear that there are just some unfaithful spouses who don’t get it, and they never will get it no matter what transpires.
They fail to fully understand the depth of pain and betrayal their actions have caused, showing a lack of empathy and awareness regarding the emotional damage inflicted on their partner.
But there are many unfaithful spouses who are on the other end of the spectrum...
Sure, they made a mistake, but when it was discovered they immediately were remorseful, they ended the affair and started to make amends and did whatever it took to help their spouse and marriage heal.
Now, the overwhelming percentage of unfaithful spouses that we deal with seem to fall somewhere in the middle.
Yes, they too made their share of mistakes, but deep down they are good people and they realize they need to do better and turn things around.
It's just that somewhere along the way they get off track, they get lost and they don’t know what to do or what to say. They may waffle back and forth between their fantasies and their spouse.
Or perhaps they just want to ‘move on’ and try to sweep the whole episode under a rug so as to save themselves from further guilt and shame.
I know I’m leaving out a whole bunch of other possibilities, but I think you get the picture.
This is the type of person who we feel we can best help.
After all, I was that person several years ago, so I know exactly how it feels and what was going through my thick head at the time.
So where am I going with all of this?
The Cheater Must Now Become the Healer!
From experience and interaction with others in the same boat, we have been able to identify certain behaviors on the part of the cheater that can either lead to success or failure at recovery and healing from an affair.
In general, what we have found is that the cheater must now become the healer.
They are the key to affair recovery and to their spouse’s healing.
It seems like such an easy thing to do, but for some reason the cheater either refuses to give the betrayed spouse what it is they’re most longing for or they simply just don’t know what it is they need to be doing on a consistent basis.
Through our work with other couples we became so frustrated from hearing story after story of cheaters who refuse to help at all with their partner’s affair recovery and healing, wondering why their partner just can’t “get over it,” that we decided to do something about it…
We went to work. We researched. We interviewed experts. We surveyed readers.
We Determined There Are At Least 24 'tasks' the Unfaithful Person Must Perform so That They Can Become the Healer:
- Stop all contact with the other person – forever
- Be sensitive when your partner suffers from a trigger
- Stop being so selfish
- Take responsibility for your actions – and inactions
- Stop trying to always be in control
- Have some patience
- Be trustworthy
- Talk about things
- Be honest
- Show remorse and apologize
- Acknowledge the depth of the pain that your affair brought to your marriage
- Educate yourself about affairs and relationships
- Figure out for yourself why you did what you did
- Be thoughtful and reassuring
- Stop being so defensive
- Be loving and supportive
- Stop thinking that the grass is always greener somewhere else
- Listen – really listen
- Stop blaming your spouse for your affair
- Make your life and everything you do an open book
- Check your anger at the door
- Get some counseling or therapy
- Ask your spouse what he/she needs from you on a regular basis
- Gratitude or gratefulness
If you are the betrayed spouse, chances are you need the exact same things from your spouse.
Linda sure did!
Introducing...The Unfaithful Person's Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair
Let's face it...
Most unfaithful spouses don't have a clue what to do after they've been caught cheating. Typically, they deny, lie, continue to betray - and want everything to just go away asap.
Therefore, we've put together a step-by-step program that is packed full of content that will provide the unfaithful person (and their spouse) some direction and advice on what to do that actually helps in the healing process.
Something so you (or your spouse) would stop blindly doing what he/she “thinks” is right and start doing what really works to help heal - and earn back trust.
The material draws from our experience, the experiences of other unfaithful and betrayed persons, as well as the professional expertise of a seasoned therapists.
Inside the Mind of the Unfaithful: Understanding Why Cheaters Do What They Do
This is a program that was created from a discussion I had with another ex-unfaithful, Tim - who just so happens to now be a counselor specializing in infidelity recovery. I also interviewed several unfaithful women to get their perspectives on things.
These interviews not only shed some light on what the unfaithful was/is thinking for the benefit of the betrayed spouse, but it will also help the unfaithful person gain some more insight into their own actions and thought processes.
The program includes the following:
Manual and Audio Recording
There is a 43-page manual along with an Audio version that lasts about 57 minutes.
Again, this gives you the flexibility of reading or listening to the discussion at your leisure.
9 – Interviews with Unfaithful Women (7 audios with transcripts and 2 written interviews.) – These unfaithful women share their stories and what was/is going through their minds prior to, during, and after their affairs.
2 Informative Guides
How to Confront a Cheating Spouse – A hard-hitting guide written by a betrayed spouse who has experienced confronting his wife after he discovered her affair. He shares his advice and guidelines for confronting the unfaithful spouse in a way that produces desired results.
The Most Common Mistakes Made by Both the Unfaithful and the Betrayed Spouses after Infidelity – This guide contains 48 of the myriad of mistakes that we (and many readers) feel we made over the course of our recovery.
A Selection of 5 Audios with Transcripts from the Affair Recovery Group Sessions
We've selected 5 appropriate audios and transcripts for the unfaithful spouse to listen and/or read that are from the Affair Recovery Group sessions with Marriage and Family Therapist, Jeff Murrah.
In all, they encompass just over 4 hours of audio listening, and delve into the following topics:
- Managing and Coping With the Fantasy of Infidelity
- Discussion between Linda, Doug and Jeff Murrah on the fantasy aspects of infidelity.
- Linda and Doug talk more about overcoming the fantasies inherent in an affair.
- The three of us cover a variety of cheater/affair partner/ betrayed spouse dynamics during an affair.
- A discussion about everything related to the "Affair Fog."
(Note: The recordings are from telephone conversations with Jeff and therefore are not studio quality. That is why we have also provided the written transcripts.)
Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse
If the unfaithful person can put the affair permanently behind them, feel as if they can freely express their remorse and shame for their unfaithfulness, and if they can commit to supporting their spouse through their excruciating anguish, then there is an excellent chance of rebuilding from the disaster they’ve wrought to their marriage.
This 14-page, no-nonsense guide goes over many of the do’s and don’ts for the unfaithful spouse after their affair, as well as what they can expect from the betrayed spouse. It is intended to help the unfaithful spouse help their partner, and in turn themselves, through this horrible time and jump-start their journey to recovery.
A Survival Guide for the Unfaithful
A 45-page booklet containing a collection of ten articles from our site that are a must read for every unfaithful person.
The articles are not meant to berate or punish the cheater, but instead are meant to help them gain a better understanding of the betrayal and lead them towards better decision making and providing greater assistance in the healing process.
The Affair Recovery Movement: 1-Month Complimentary Membership
One free month membership to the Affair Recovery Movement. This is our premier membership area where our goal is to help guide members through the 5 Stages of Affair Recovery.
Here a person can utilize the numerous available tools and resources to better move through the 5 stages and ultimately recover and heal.
It doesn't matter what stage you are in or whether you are the hurt spouse or the unfaithful spouse.
Here's what's included in addition to the Unfaithful Person's Guide:
The Master Programs - Consider these programs to be your course work in affair recovery and healing. Here is where you learn (both BS and CS) what it takes to survive and thrive after an affair from Linda and Doug's experiences, their research, from therapists, and from the thousands of people like you whom they have communicated with over the years.
These programs will help you understand what's happening so that you can better overcome the constant pain, excruciating thoughts and images. At the same time, helping you to get a better handle on the daunting sense of doubt, uncertainty and overwhelm. This isn't theory. It's real-life stuff.
The Recovery Library - A curated collection containing several hundred audios, ebooks, guides, articles and videos.
There are other great benefits too, like...
Group Coaching Calls - Learn about important infidelity and relationship topics from other experts, authors, therapists and survivors. Ours is not the only voice. We think that it's important to learn from others as well.
Office hours - where we answer your questions.
2-minute tips - Short nuggets of advice and knowledge on healing and recovery.
A supportive community forum and chat room - Share your story with others who are going through the same thing.
Discounted private mentoring sessions - Talk with Doug and/or Linda via phone for advice, support and guidance.
You'll get all of this as an added bonus for free for 30-days. After that you'll be charged $30 per month for 12-months. You will then be a Lifetime Member and no further payments will be required. We'll remind you before your first payment and you can cancel at any time.
Telephone Mentoring Session(s) with Doug
I (Doug) have set aside a few hours each day (not weekends) to mentor you - to talk with you about whatever you want to talk about.
You can ask me any questions you want. You can ask for my advice. You can get inside an ex-unfaithful person’s brain. You can just vent. It’s up to you! (And this is not just reserved for unfaithful people. You can utilize this support if you're the betrayed partner as well.)
Now, I’m not a therapist or “guru” and I don’t claim to have all the answers to every situation, but I don’t hold any punches and I’ll certainly give you honest answers and tell you my honest opinion - not just what you think you want to hear!
Oftentimes the best teacher is experience itself. I've been where you are now. So learn from my successes and my many mistakes.
So Why Invest in This Program?
Consider this program to be necessary course work for an unfaithful spouse so you (they) can better understand the true consequences of the affair and what you need to do NOW to have a greater impact on the recovery and healing process.
This Program Will Help the Unfaithful Person Find Motivation To:
- Accept 100% responsibility for the affair.
- Feel deep remorse for what he or she has done - not just for getting caught.
- Take concrete actions to earn back the betrayed partner's trust.
- Have more patience and understanding of the recovery and healing process.
- Do the work necessary to figure out why they did what they did.
- Have a greater desire to commit to saving the marriage.
- Stop judging the betrayed spouse for not "getting over it" by now
- And much more!
What Others Are Saying...
Is This Program for You?
As the title suggests, this program is meant to be a guide for the unfaithful person.
…Our experience has shown that - at least initially - it's rare for many unfaithful people to take the initiative to consider it, so it’s more than likely up to the betrayed spouse to take the initiative. That said, if you are the unfaithful person who is considering this, you are to be commended as you are the exception to this rule!
As noted previously, the manual is written from a male cheater’s (Doug) point of view, though it will certainly benefit the female cheater as well. (The same issues tend to exist whether the cheater is male or female. You will just need to apply a woman’s perspective on things.)
The Cheater's Guide is presented with the unfaithful person in mind, but it's appropriate for the betrayed spouse as well because she/he can understand the strategies and action steps as they relate to her/his own situation and create a personal guide or road map towards healing and recovery.
Plus, there are many victims of infidelity who have no idea what it will take to get them through the healing process. And that's where both the Cheater's Guide and A Betrayed Spouse’s Companion Guide - used in conjunction - can be quite helpful.
This program will help that person become more aware of what she/he needs the cheater to do – even though the cheater may not be willing to do these things at this time.
Now, we’re not naïve enough to think that every marriage is going to survive after an affair…
…However, if each partner follows the advice in this program and puts forth a strong and honest effort into trying to heal and rebuild the relationship, the chances are quite good.
This program is for the person who has realized that they have screwed up royally, are remorseful and want to try to save their marriage and help their spouse heal as effectively and as quickly as possible.
We can also tell you from personal experience that by doing these 24 things and working to connect with each other, you can not only survive, heal and recover from the affair…
…but you can fall back in love and you can create a marriage that is wonderful, fulfilling, fun and actually feel as if you were starting all over again.
But it ain’t gonna happen if you just sit back and not do the work!
Honestly, if you’re the cheater (perhaps a serial cheater) who just doesn’t “get it” and has no desire to do anything to help heal, then we will truthfully admit to you that you’re wasting your time getting this program.
Our Zero-Risk 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
We understand that it’s not easy sometimes to make an investment, even one as important as this one. You can try “The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” risk free.
Other programs typically offer a standard 30 or 60-day money back guarantee. However, we go beyond that and offer no time limits. No questions asked.
If this program doesn’t help you, simply shoot us an email and we will refund every penny of the purchase price. That means no risk for you!