Many of the comments recently as usual have centered on the trust issue. Basically, the victims are having a hard time trusting the cheating spouse and believing what he/she is saying after the affair. To reconstruct a devastated relationship which has been shredded by lies, you want to form a new foundation of trust, one brick at a time.
Knowing with 100% precision whether the cheating spouse is lying to you could be a futile use of your resources. At some particular point, you have got to trust that your spouse is not lying to you, so long as the cheater conducts himself in a trustworthy way. What is common with most couples who have a commitment to this process is that the hurt spouse requires more from the cheating spouse after the affair than just an acknowledgment of remorse. The hurt person wants to understand the cheater is aiming at a change of personality both inwardly and outwardly.
Here are some express actions you can take. Naturally, customize these to your relationship.
Step one. Define the Mistrust Triggers: Review your past week or past month. Think about some actions or inactions that were private triggers for mistrust in you, if you were the hurt person, or if you were the cheater, the way you have conducted yourself during the past. As an example, is he returning home an hour late and not bothering to call to tell you, causing a flash of scenes to pass across your mind?
Is she supposed to be at her desk all day, but doesn’t answer her desk telephone, and her cell-phone has been turned off, leaving you to ask where she is and what is going on? Or, are you the person showing up late or unavailable by telephone, making those triggers of distrust?
Step two. Boost your Transparency: If you were the cheating spouse, look at ways to stay in contact more frequently and to be more open about your activities. As an example, select two times during the day when you’ll call and have a quick conversation to talk about how your day is going.
Step three. Remove a Trigger: Select one of the personal triggers, whether you were the partner who cheated or the wounded partner, and work on taking away the power of that trigger. It may involve step two, where you open your life up to observation in some way. As an example, it could be that, if routinely you do not reveal details of your day, you share a real story today with your partner concerning your work life. Then, do it again soon.
Initially, some spouses argue that revealing their whereabouts and activities feels like they’re “checking in,” as if to a parent. If that’s your approach, you’re going to feel resentful. This checking-in disposition will interrupt your capability to rebuild trust with your spouse after the affair.
You may want to practice thinking of your new behavior as beginning a new age of transparency in your relationship. This is a loving gift you give your partner to prompt trust and show your zeal to your marriage.
The leap to transparency can be a big one as the two of you will be going through a growth process, perhaps learning new techniques of communicating with each other that you have never attempted before. Each of you will want to make a self-commitment to conducting yourself in a trustworthy way over some time to make a new and stronger framework inside which to reconstruct your marriage after the affair.
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