I know in many ways I will probably understand his emotional affair more than he does.

his emotional affair

By Linda

The recent events with my brother, along with digging deeper into Dave Carder’s book,  “Torn Asunder,” has again made me think a lot about trying to understand Doug’s emotional affair.  I know in many ways I will probably understand it more than Doug does. 

I think that it was a blur of emotions and mistakes in his eyes that he would like to forget.  But for me I have spent so much time trying to figure out what happened that I am able to see the emotional as well as the psychological side.

I kept rereading about the phases of an affair that Carder mentions while trying to relate to Doug’s thought process and reactions during those phases. I know that it would be healthier to just let it go, but I hope for my own peace of mind – and maybe for anyone else dealing with an affair, that it might be helpful.

Much of this knowledge I received from Doug’s posts or comments.  Doug, like many of your spouses, had a difficult time discussing the affair and providing details that I felt were important.  And like many of you, I memorized each comment trying to find meaning and understanding.  Many of his thoughts I was hearing for the first time which gave me valuable insight into the dynamics of his affair and how their relationship was not perfect by any means.

You don’t know how many times I secretly thanked all of you for your questions.  You were like guardian angels for me.  Checking the comments on our blog became somewhat of an addiction for me.  I couldn’t wait to see what information I could absorb next. I even attempted to try to send you all telepathic messages so you would ask things I wanted to know from Doug. 

You might wonder why I didn’t ask them myself.   I guess we had been through so many conversations that ended with both of us frustrated and upset that I just didn’t want to go there again.  Also, some of the questions were not conducive to our healing.  But selfishly, it really helped me to hear that everything wasn’t rosy and perfect with Doug’s emotional affair like I had pictured it.

A Betrayed Spouse Needs to Know the Details of the Affair

Looking at his emotional affair phases…

Reviewing the phases of Doug’s affair helped me understand why he acted the way he did and took away the guilt and pain that I had been carrying around with me.  I realized that it wasn’t about me or that it was my fault.

See also  Lessons Learned from the Emotional Affair

Carder’s first phase of an affair is “growing mutual attraction” and is very easy to understand.  During this phase Doug found himself in a situation where another woman showed interest in him.  She laughed at his jokes, asked for help with her computer and such, and was available to brighten up his boring day. 

Doug mentioned that it was convenient as all he had to do was show up for work and go to lunch. There wasn’t much that was expected from him.  She didn’t ask him to pay the bills, mow the lawn or clean the house.  All he had to do was be charming and attentive. It was a great escape from the reality of work and life and he was free from responsibility and commitment.

One of our readers had asked Doug if he ever thought about the future and where the relationship with Tanya was going.  He answered that he didn’t know.  He was having fun with Tanya and enjoying their time together.  This answer was difficult to hear because I took it personally and thought of Tanya as some party animal.

Looking back, I realize that anyone can appear fun in that situation, and honestly if I was getting that kind of attention I would have acted like Paris Hilton. The comment also reflected the naivety and selfishness that Doug was experiencing at the time.  If he would have known the implications of his actions those words never would have been spoken.

The Selfishness and Obliviousness Continues

The next phase was when things became complicated.  This is when they express their love for each other.  Carder said during this phase the infidel experiences guilt, anxiety and fear. This is the time when I believe Doug changed jobs and realized that as wonderful as the euphoria of his affair was, it was also “a pain in the ass to maintain.”

See also  My Emotional Affair D-day Anniversary

The easiness and lack of responsibility was over and now he was expected to put forth more effort to maintain his relationship with Tanya.  He had to work at it, lie about it – and in essence make two women happy. 

This was the time when he withdrew from his family, spending most of his time in front of the TV, listening to his Ipod or exercising. He also was suffering from headaches that were alarming enough for him to schedule a doctor visit.

At the time I was very confused about his actions.  After “D-day,”  I even contributed  to his state of mind of wanting to be with her by the way I acted towards him.  Now I believe he was filled with anxiety as he finally realized he had got himself in a terrible mess and didn’t know what to do about it. 

That was the time I wished I would have noticed the signs and that he would have trusted me enough to bare his soul.  I know he didn’t know how I would have reacted.  He also wasn’t even sure if I loved him, so this would have been a risky thing to do.  If he would have come clean during that time, I feel our recovery from the affair would have been so much easier.

Emotional Affair Signs

This next phase was so confusing to me and the hardest one to accept and forget.  This is the phase where I found out about the affair but he continued to see her.  The contradiction of this phase blows me away and Doug can’t explain it himself.  In one way he says it was a relief to him that I found out and that he was tired of the relationship and wanted out.  Yet in other ways, the relationship seemed to take on a life of its own – more texts, phone calls, more confusion and ambivalence.

See also  EA or PA? The Labels We Assign to Affairs - Are They Really Important?

During this phase he was definitely in an affair fog state, making comments and decisions based on pure infatuation.  He said he wanted the feeling of being in love and that was all that mattered to him. I wish someone could explain how a person can go from wanting out of a relationship because of the hassles, to needing the relationship so desperately that nothing else seemed to matter.

I wonder what I could have done differently at this phase.  It was hard because I wasn’t really certain he was having an affair. Carder says the intensity increases because of the on-again-off-again experiences.  The infidel has such guilt and anxiety that their affair partner is the only one who can make them feel better about their situation.   They “need” each other to medicate the fear.

I often think about what was said during this phase and what kind of justifications allowed them to feel better about their emotional affair.  Doug mentioned that what was said was “utter bullshit.” He is probably correct, I can’t think of any other way to justify what they were doing to their spouses.


    40 replies to "Emotional Affair: Understanding the Phases"

    • D

      The utter bs comment rings true. The wife said things during this phase that hurt like hell, but looking back I realize they were justifications pouring out of her mouth. She doesn’t remember saying most things and those she does she’s retracted. I see that on the one hand they want to “come home,” but on the other how can they possibly feel welcome. So their natural defenses kick in and the lies pour forth. It also explains how someone could want out but yet run back. Because, in my wife’s case anyway, she needed someone desperately to hold and comfort her. She wanted it to be me, but the pain was too great and I couldn’t do it. He was the only other option, a plus being he was the only other person who could relate to exactly what she was going through.

      Thank you again for this site. Keep up the good work.

    • ruth

      I agree to the utter BS it was his justification to run to her. He would say mean things to me just to provock me so he could fly off the handle and walk out the door right to her and she would feel sorry for him. He also doesn’t seem to remember what he said. He also say he didn’t mean it.When I think back I feel so stupid for letting him get away with it and let him walk all over me like that. How weak I was. You know the one thing I wonder about and I dont know if Doug would answer this or not. But I would like to know if he still thinks about her and if and when he does is it in a loving way? Thats one anwers I know he wont tell me.When I do ask it he say no (yeah right) If he has triggers as bad as I do? I know I know this answer but I still need to here what he is exactly thinking about. I feel they still hold secrets together when he cant tell me. I am the one still on the outside looking in.

      • Doug

        Ruth, To answer your question…I actually do not think about Tanya outside of what we write about on this blog. And then the only thing I feel is that I was pretty stupid, and that I’m so glad things didn’t go any further with her. Remember though, that it’s been quite a long time since my affair has been over. Certainly, right after we ended things there was a withdrawal period.

      • D

        Ruth, I’m certain that when you stop caring about her then he will too. Of course, once you stop caring you won’t care if he cares or not. catch-22 of affair repair.

    • ruth

      Thanks Doug for answering that. I will tell you that it is the one thing I always think about. How long will it take that he doesnt think about her anymore, because sad to say I think about it everyday. But lately I am not afraid anymore. I know he did choose me and right now I am going to focus on that. Not to say I don’t have my bad days that I just want to rip into him and make sure he know how bad I still hurt. I dont though, I know it will only set us backwards and all I want is to go forwards. Thank God I found this sight. Everyone on here has help me so much. I never feel alone. I cant say enough to you and Linda how much I appreiciate it. When I started to read this from the beginning I felt hope for me and my husband. I know we will make it.

      • Doug

        Thanks for the kind words Ruth. The other day I made a statement in a post that I don’t think about Tanya for a second, and Linda said later that night, “That’s funny, because I think about her all the time.” I think it just takes time–and trust.

    • Last2know

      Doug today is my Husbands Birthday and I am really a anxious that she will contact him. Her sons 1st bday was yesterday an their EA was taking place while she was pregnant ( with her H’s child) so that whole birthday thing is bothering me today. I need to ask you, did you have pet names for each other? Did y’all have any special songs for each other and did you celebrate ” today is the 1 month anniversary of we said I Love You”. Sorry Doug but today has been rough on me.

      • Doug

        I understand, Last2know. No pet names. No special songs for me. Tanya claimed she had some special song, but it was country–which I hate–so I didn’t relate to it at all. I couldn’t even tell you the name of it. Lastly, no special anniversaries or anything like that. Try not to be so anxious and give your husband a great birthday present 😉

        • Last2know

          Thanks Doug. I have a nice dinner planned with the family for him.

      • Doug

        Last2know, I was really anxious on Doug’s birthday also, it is the little, stupid things we worry about. In some ways I am so afraid because of everything I have read that if there is contact that it will start all over again then I have to tell myself that is stupid, we have a great relationship now, no one will come between us. It is the insecurities and fear that ruin special days like this. July 4th is hard for me and I would rather have it come and go without notice, hopefully this year will feel better than last, every memory is less of a burden as time passes.

        • Last2know

          Linda, I miss you- thanks. I was reflecting on my life a few days ago and remembered that I had been infatuated at one time (many years ago). I was single and so was he (he was a hottie). We worked together (OR RN’s) we laughed, had fun at work, even went out but never professed anything to each other and then it came one night at a work party as I walked to my car he followed me out and he wanted to kiss me and I guess my instincts kicked in. I told him I valued his friendship and that if I we kissed it would change everything for us (and I had even had a buzz that night). From that day forward we remained good friends, the infatuation was over. Now why would I know to do that? I wouldn’t have been betraying anyone. Maybe myself I guess. So I realized that I am pretty damn intuitive and smart. Then later he become a successful physician, maybe I wasn’t so smart afterall…..just kidding. I wouldn’t trade my H for anything in this world. I am glad I remembered that time because I no longer feel “left out” but I also know how easily something like that can be stopped if you’re thinking straight. I have lost more weight, I am down to 133 from 182. I’m a “hottie” now. It’s nice to get the quick scans from the males, even if most of them are in their 80’s…hehe.

        • surprised

          Oh my goodness – I got Torn Asunder from the library & I have devoured that book. Thank you for recommending it. All our holidays since Christmas (H’s bday, Father’s Day, now July 4) has been ruined by her calls & cutesie texts which make me hit the ceiling. I finally texted her myself last night that she wasn’t to call my H after 5pm Mon-Fri or on weekends & that she has ruined every holiday for us with her intrusion. It became a text war with her calling my H & then sending him all the texts herself! I was out till 1 am to get my mind together & read Torn Asunder & take notes. I only got 1 hr of sleep last night & now it’s a day full of parades & family where I have to put on a happy face. I’m torn apart inside that my H doesn’t take a stand for our marriage & that he has to work with her every day. I think from last night, though, he’s been given a little better clue as to her character.

    • HarrieB

      Linda, another really interesting posting. Some of it is familiar to me from my own research on EAs, but, as ever, there are things here which are new to me and, as ever, have REALLY helped me to “join up some unlinked dots”. As well as being caught up in the euphoria of it all, I really don’t think my H realised the effect his EA was having on me – both when I only suspected it but also after “D day” (when I found texts confirming what I suspected). In a way, I can’t blame him. If someone had told me beforehand just how extreme are the effects of an AE on the cheated party I probably wouldn’t have believed them either. In fact, I spent a long time initially doing practically nothing because I couldn’t quite “accept” the intensity of my feelings. I simply couldn’t shake the belief that I was over-reacting to a special “friendship”, or being childish and jealous. A breakthrough for me was accidentally coming across the little book, The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What to Do About It by the Potter-Efrons (which is in Doug and Linda’s library). Whilst perhaps somewhat incomplete in some ways, it did at least show me that I wasn’t over-reacting, and I wasn’t going mad, and, crucially, that I wasn’t alone. (The next breakthrough was finding this website, of course). Recently, in desperation during a bad patch I gave my husband the Potter-Efron book and asked him just to read the chapter on the effects of the EA on the cheated party, and to consider my “wierd” behaviour over the last couple of years in the light of this chapter. I specifically said I didn’t expect him to read the rest of the book, just that section. It did help enormously and he actually apologised for his role in the affair and his behaviour towards me has changed. Not only does he assure me that the relationship is over (and I do believe him), he is also making much more effort to be loving and attentive, and to reassure me, even without me asking for reassurance. He says the book put things into perspective for him (and he hasn’t yet returned the book to me so I am pretty sure he is reading more of it!).
      On another aspect, I too realised that he wouldn’t confide in me about the EA if he felt it was “unsafe” to do so, if he feared that I would explode or collapse into a jibbering heap (which was my response for a long time). I have been working on staying calm when the OW is mentioned. Recently, since things have been better between us, he said something complimentary about her (they still work together) and it was as though he was trying it out. He was watching my face warily as he spoke – his expression reminded me of how a child might watch carefully for a reaction on an adult’s face. It was so hard but I stayed calm, and since then he has tentatively told me other things about their relationship. I am hoping that he will continue to gain the confidence to confide in me – and that this will have the double benefits of me understanding the EA more – which I do need to do – but also of us regaining the friendship we sadly lost during the marriage.

    • Alyssa

      Hi all… I finally confronted my H about what he is doing and completely blew up as he was continuing to say I was crazy and not “choosing” his friends. Maybe I said the wrong thing in that I said I was filing for div as he has been completely ugly to me for 6 weeks – cruel, cold, hateful and I accessed the texts logs seeing hundreds of texts and calls including over night while I was sleeping when we went out of town. he seems to have made his choice… the next morning he had a different tune and then broke down the next day with apologies but still claims to be doing nothing wrong (… “maybe faucets have been inappropriate…”) and I do not believe he will give her up. One thing that is good news is that she got a different job and will be leaving the company where they both work within 2 weeks.
      I cannot sleep, cannot eat & barely can work. My counselor has advised me to self preserve. The best I have felt in weeks was after telling him I was divorcing him – he has had all the power for so long and been beating me with it.
      Advice from you guys?? He’s agreed to see a counselor. Much of this is about the loss of his business and he said the more I resisted his friend, the more he went to her. He claims her H is fully aware of the “friendship” but I don’t believe to the extent it has become…
      He said he loves me so much it hurts and wished he could take away my pain but some of the things that have been said to me are so painful…. Is there even hope?

      • Doug

        Alyssa, I think that there is hope. It sounds as though he is starting to see the light and realizes he wants to stay in the marriage. The apology and seeing the marriage counselor are all good first steps. Her leaving he job is also another good thing. Perhaps her husband had something to do with her changing jobs. Once again, take care of yourself as much as possible while all this is shaking out. Good luck!

      • Karen

        Alyssa – great first step. Every piece of information I’ve read since D-day advises the betrayed spouse to stand up for themselves in some way, shape or form. I read many betrayed spouses sitting back and waiting as the affair continues. . . while I respect their decisions, I cannot agree with their actions.
        Please read everything you can and research all you can on your situation (this has driven my husband nuts that I’ve done this – I love it) and hopefully the next step will be a calm conversation where you can set some boundaries with your husband and also share how you might have contributed to his need to have the EA without condoning his actually doing it, which was his selfish decision. There are no guarantees, I also think your post
        shows great hope for the future for your marriage. Good luck!!!

        • Alyssa

          Karen – Thank you SO much. As I have reflected since the incident on Thursday night, I truly feel he would have continued to beat me down – it was amazing the turnaround when I put my foot down and said I was done and it was clear on his choice… I know he loves me and I cannot express my gratitude for Doug/Linda sharing and for those of you also out here helping. I’m definitely going to try to get my hands on every bit of knowledge I can to try to survive this.

    • K

      I recently found out about an EA by accident. My husband has been sullen, not looked me in the eye and blamed be for trivial things. I’ve been so confused. We’ve been in counseling and he has been unable to accept the responsibility for the effects of his rage on our relationship. I think we’ve been through a lot the last few years (horrible major life stressors). I feel excited about moving on and then I think we’ve been together for a long time and have a child so we should preserve the relationship and continue going to the counselor. We haven’t made our relationship the most important thing in our lives like the counselor suggested, but he also has this rage issue that is still there. He’s going to individual therapy. Initially he said he wants nothing to do with me, which is what I felt too, but go back and forth with my other feeling of waiting it out. I talked to his “partner” and asked her to leave us alone. She disagreed and then I brought up some real realities (she’d loose her alimony if he stayed there, he is struggling with the rage, and has a family with a special needs child.)She texted me less than an hour later and said she’d comply and then told him she was “out”. He’s alone now, which I’m happy about, I think reality is setting in. Even though he’s saying no, I have slight hope, but am pursuing a divorce. We’re going back to the counselor this week, because I need some resolution and said we have to be at a place where we are at least civil so we can best parent our son. I also feel like, okay, an EA, not the best of times, but not horrible, at least I know, lets get on with it. She’s out, but I guess I’m not sure he is. My counselor suggests just leaving him alone for the moment, no to little calling or texting during the week and let him sit with the reality of not being here. This is a confusing time!

      • Doug

        K., thanks for sharing your story. I am on the same wave length that your counselor is. Now that the OW is out of the picture, he will realize what is most important and perhaps will begin to come back to you and work on your marriage. Good luck.

    • K

      I forgot to say, there was lots of lying to cover up meeting her. We’re on opposite schedules, my house is in disarray and I’m relieved to know I’m going to be okay.

    • D

      How do I know that it is truelly over? I discovered recently that while I left him, he send her messages declaring his love to her, calling her the same nickname he calls me, telling her they should be together and also has a right to be happy. I left for ten days and we spoke a lot on the phone and via email during that time. He loves me, I am the most important, he is sorry etc. I since discovered that he sent her 24 messages the day before I came back and another 18 the day I was coming back. Meanwhile telleing me he can’t wait for me to come back, he is so excited…

      • Doug

        D, You may never know 100% unless he becomes 100% transparent. He needs to tell you everything, and you may even have to go as far as getting passwords, computer monitoring software, etc. It may also be time for an ultimatum if you feel that contact has not been stopped.

    • D

      He feels that it is over and dealt with and can not understand why I am sdtill having bad days. He is not the world’s best communicator, and I cannot imagine him becoming trandparent. I have asked him to tell me should there be any contact – so far he has said nothing. Which can mean one of many things, the one that I believe is that they have become better at hiding it. I have this gut feeling that it is not over, but I can not find any proof. He said is was not a sexual affair – how can a man tell a women he loves her if it was not physical. I am really struggling with that. He denies ever telling her that he loved her, even though I have proof of this (which he is not aware of). What kind of ultimatum do I give him? I am such turmoil, not knowing what to think or feel.

      • Doug

        D., OK, so since you’ve been back, he’s saying that there has been no contact. Do you have access to cell phone records, etc? If not, get it. The ultimatum can go something like this…(assuming you know he is having contact)…”I know that you are still having contact with her and I want you to know how much that hurts me both emotionally and physically. I love you and I want to stay married with you, and I want to work on our marriage, but I need for you to stop all contact with her immediately. You need to make a decision–it’s either her or me.”

        You want to be calm and non-argumentative when you tell him, and in the meantime, get your emotions under control as best you can, and work on you, and prepare for what may lie ahead. If this doesn’t work, then you need to think long and hard about what your possible next move might be.

        You may also need to make him become transparent by creating strict boundaries and rituals to prove to you that there is no contact going on. If he wants to remain married to you, then he shouldn’t have a problem with this.

        Dr. Gunzburg goes into this quite a bit as does Willard Harley. Both books can be found on our site.

        Most affairs die a natural death, but sometimes they need to be pushed along just a bit.

        • Lynsey

          Doug, do you or anyone out there have any suggestions as to the timing of this ultimatum? My CS & I have just begun counseling, and my H has mentioned during our last session that marriage seems too constrictive, even though he admits that I never “not allow” him to go out with friends, etc. He still need to clarify this comment a little more for me. is this a time for me to back off for the time being? I have read Linda’s posts about stepping back a bit, and because of my doing that, there have been little glimmers of hope. I’m afraid that an ultimatum might set us back.

          • Doug

            Hi Lynsey, Figuring out when and if to give ultimatums is always a tough question. If you’re seeing some success with backing off, perhaps you should continue along those lines for a bit. However, if through counseling and your talking about the affair, he still says he won’t give up his EA partner, then I would think an ultimatum may be necessary. You know your husband best and how he will respond. Let that be your guide.

    • LizS

      D-I have to tell you my husband had a affair and not just emotional…the whole enchilada! He to came to me and told me that he was leaving…I did not know about the affair yet! I asked him to stay I asked him if we could work on it and I thaught we were…then came D-Day! July 21, 2010. I thaught we had been working on it since Mother’s Day! No he was still calling her and texting her begging her to listen to him (she dumped him) telling her he would leave me if she would just take him back and that he loved her and she is his soul mate…the whole time lying in my bed making love to me and telling me how much he loves me and I am the one he wants to be with! We’ll I have to say as soon as I found shit hit the fan….yah I went bonkers for a few days…then I decided I would not let them beat me down…don’t get me wrong I still to this day feel as if I had been punched in the gut but I decided to make “My Happy” and as far as I can tell he has’nt had any contact with her since. They work togeather though and so I willnever truely know but I can tell you that if I see them togeather at all in the future or a text or a phone call I will leave. I will not go bonkers or even give him the chance to extent his appologies cause I am a better person than that! Hopefully he realizes it before he looses me!

    • mightbeatranny

      ^^ so how exactly did the “shit hit the fan”? they work together and he begged her to take him back. you think they havn’t had any contact, but you didn’t even know he was having an affair when he told you he was leaving. i hope you are protecting your assets and have seen an attorney.

    • kikky

      How long does the “things become complicated” phase last? My H is in that stage right now with OW. They express their love for each other. They were looking at homes to buy, once she is out of her lease on her condo. She has a deal with her husband to focus on their children until May when she can move out of her place. So do you think that by then, my H might come out of this? How should I be handling this? What are ideas that I should be going with? thanks

    • Francis

      I often think about what was said during this phase and what kind of justifications allowed them to feel better about their emotional affair. Doug mentioned that what was said was “utter bullshit.” He is probably correct, I can’t think of any other way to justify what they were doing to their spouses.

      Yes this was with us too. Once I found out and the affair started to wind down my wife began only allowing him to call her on her drives too and from work. She claims most of the talks were on daily activities and she made him stop all texts except to ask if he could call. She even claimed that at this point she felt bad for him and ” wanted to make sure he was ok”, now come on!. Finally I got her to stop all communications, but on the last day they spoke she Made plans to see him while on a business trip. Mathis she claimed was for closure.. Closure! I felt like the prom king who’s prom king girl friend is wondering if maybe she’s better off going with the hoodlum, and she just needs to keep us both until prom night!

      Now as far as I know it is over, I just don’t know if there are any secret future plans!

    • Strengthrequired

      I know exactly how you feel, because I felt the same way. I didn’t think I would ever be able to trust my husband again, yet I guess the love I have for him, helped me, helped us find each other again and learn to trust again.

      • Francis

        How long did this take? You see at the time I found out back in July my wife had this plan that after our youngest graduated High School in 3 years , she would leave and go to his country to be with him. For some reason, I still feel they made some super secret plan that even though they are not talking anymore etc, that he is going to wait for her. Now I know this is probably ridiculous especially even if it’s true,,,why because this guy, if you find some of my other posts, basically gets into Emotional Affairs for a living.
        I heard some of his VM and read some of his texts, he told my wife how he never felt this way before in his life, meanwhile his wife had sent my wife an email quoting the exact words said etc too ten other women!

    • Tai

      Hi my wife is this situation in love with someone and me. I am going crazy after 16 years. I knew by chance and she continued to lie that it is over. She claimed to have deleted his phone number, emails etc. But after three days she makes contact with him. She tells how in love she is with him. That really hurts. The man lives in another country. She virtually lie about everything and crys alot claiming that she is sorry for hurting me but refusing to accept responsibility for her actions. She doesn’t care about the happiness of the kids and thinks everyone with different opinion dislikes her. We have had several discussions about stopping communication with this guy and she said it is difficult for her to do so. My greatest worry is that this guy knows everything about me and I know nothing about him. Everyday she changes her profile picture on wasapp for the guy to download. What can I do. I still love her and don’t want to loose her. I have told her that if she is not happy with me she can leave. But she is not ready to do that as she not sure of her plans.

    • Jen

      I’m curious Linda, when you found out about the affair and he continued to see her, What did you do? How long did you deal with it? And what does Doug have to say during that part of the process?

    • Lost and confused

      Linda, how long did phase 3 continue…or how long did Doug continue his affair after you found out about it? My husband is definitely in this stage but continues his affair with a married woman. He admits he isn’t happy and will probably never be happy again and that he doesn’t like the idea of me moving on to someone else and that guy helping to raise his kids but spends more time then ever with his affair partner (practically living with her for the last 2 months) since we are separated. I am at the point where I do not know how much more I can take… He has started taking our kids around his mistress even though we have only been separated for a few months (asked him to leave when he refused to end it with her). He still does nice things for me around the house but complains that I don’t need him and that I kicked him out and never asked him to come home (which is not true…I did ask him and he said no). I am beyond confused and he is all over the place but states he is not and states he has no idea why I would be still hanging onto our marriage and that I should just move on…wtf!

      • Doug

        Hey Lost and Confused, I’ll answer this for Linda if you don’t mind. After the affair was truly confirmed by Linda (versus just suspected), it lasted about 3 weeks longer. As for your husband and your situation…know that much of what your husband is saying and the way he is behaving is fairly typical. And it sounds like he might be wanting you to be the one to end the marriage so that he might feel a little less guilty. I think that it’s very important for you to establish and enforce boundaries with him. For instance, IMO there should be no way that he be allowed to take your kids around his mistress. Talk to an attorney and get your financial and legal ducks in a row (just in case) and try to focus on you and your kids’ well being first and foremost. At this juncture, you really cannot expect him to be much help as he is thick in the fog. He needs to figure things out on his own and experience the consequences of his actions. Stay strong!

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