How long do affairs typically last and what are the chances of them being successful?

why affairs won't last

By Linda

I’m often asked by people how long affairs typically last and what are the chances of them turning into a successful long-term relationship.  Here’s what I found and my take on this topic…

When I first found out about Doug’s emotional affair, I frantically researched books and the internet on surviving infidelity, as I wanted to know how long  affairs last. 

What I found was that most resources sited only 10% of cheating spouses in affairs move on to long term relationships.  Of those 10%, only half are successful.

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Well, if I were a betting person, the odds seemed to be in my favor.  In my mind though, I believed Doug’s affair was one of the 10% that could turn into a long term relationship. 

I felt that way mainly due to what he hold told me about his relationship with Tanya.  I felt that they were meant to be together and that they had figured out what it took to have a lasting long term relationship.  Obviously I was wrong, and after watching my brother’s affair go down the tubes, I have come to some conclusions on why affairs don’t last.

6 Reasons Affairs Don’t Last…

1.  They begin with lies and deceit. In the beginning it may appear flattering that a person would lie and break their commitment to their spouses just to be with another.  However, as the relationship progresses, the cheating spouses begin to wonder if they are lying and betraying each other as well.

For instance, Tanya would have a problem every weekend knowing that Doug was spending a lot of time with me and his family.  If she trusted him and believed he kept his commitment to her, why was she jealous?  Doug also had mentioned that Tanya had a previous relationship where she got “close” to someone.  Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? What if you go through a rough patch?  Would you be able to know for certain your affair partner is committed to you?  If it happened once, couldn’t it happen again?  A relationship that begins with lies and betrayal will always continue—and end, that way.

See also  Getting Over an Affair – Doing Work

2.  Their needs aren’t being met. As Dr. Willard Harley suggests in “His Needs Her Needs,” the affair partner may meet one or two of the spouse’s needs perfectly, but the husband/wife are meeting all the others.

During an affair, the cheating spouse may believe that they feel so alive with their affair partner and that person is all that they need to make them complete and happy. Little do they realize though, that the cheating spouse is being fulfilled in other areas by their wife and family.

My brother is the perfect example of this.  In April, he left his wife and family and went to live with his affair partner.  He didn’t maintain much contact with his wife or any of his kids at all.  It only took him three months to realize that his affair partner couldn’t give him everything he needed.  He also found that she wasn’t doing a very good job at meeting those needs that she initially had met perfectly.

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3.  The other person isn’t so perfect. It is an illusion that the cheating spouse sees the affair partner as a perfect person/companion.  Because of the dynamics of the affair, life’s realities rarely enter into the affair relationship.  Therefore, the cheating spouses seem to possess all the qualities for each other that they thought had been lacking in their lives previously.

There may be some things that don’t seem so appealing, but they put these unappealing issues in the back of their heads, thinking they really don’t matter so much.  They don’t have to live with the other person.  Eventually reality strikes, and those less than desirable traits seem to surface more and more and doubt starts to set in.  They wonder if it is worth it.

See also  Surviving an Affair - Rediscover Yourself After Infidelity

4.  It’s déjà vu all over again. The cheating spouses also bring to their relationship the same problems they had in their marriage.  Just because everything is wonderful right now and they feel that their spouses are the reason for their discontent, they will soon learn that their new relationship will just be as unsatisfying and problematic.  When a person moves from one relationship to another without any self reflection, the relationship stays the same– only the players have changed.

5.  It gets boring after awhile. Eventually the secrecy, excitement and newness of the relationship wear off.  Maintaining an affair, and for the most part leading two separate lives, can be stressful.  This will certainly have an effect on the relationship after a while because an affair lacks any real commitment, and therefore there isn’t much to hold the relationship together.  They begin to wonder if all the trouble is really worth it.

6.  The cheating spouse realizes that the potential loss is too great. When the cheater is faced with the consequences of his/her actions, they often come to the harsh reality of what potentially they could lose.  Besides the obvious of losing their current spouse, they are subject to lose the love and respect of their children, friends and family.  They are subject to losses both financially and emotionally as well.

Experts seem to agree that most affairs don’t last and that the cheating spouses who are involved regret their decisions.

Thinking about Doug’s and my brother’s affair, it upsets me to know that the initial feelings of   admiration, attention and excitement can cause so much  turmoil to people  they have been forging relationships with for years.

See also  After Ending An Affair: Get Past the Grief

I can’t stop thinking about what a mess my brother has created and how difficult it will be to fix.  For him, surviving infidelity may not be possible.  Affairs cause so much long term damage — all for just a short term of gratification.   You wonder that if the cheating spouses knew what the end result would be, would they think again about starting something so dangerous in the first place? 

I imagine they believe that their situation is different and that they (and the relationship) are special.  However, if you are reading the comments on this site, most emotional and physical affairs follow the same script.  There is really nothing unique about any of them.

Can you think of any more reasons why the affair won’t last?  If so, please comment below.

Additional Resources

Break Free From the Affair – the best book for determining the type of affair, how to best deal with it, and predict how and when the affair will end.

How Affairs Should End – article by Willard Harley

More articles about ending an affair


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    350 replies to "Cheating Spouses – 6 Reasons Why Their Affair Won’t Last"

    • Jeffrey Murrah


      From what I have read, many affairs last 6-15 (roughly about half a year to a year and 1/2) months in length. Granted there are some exceptions, but this is the average. I have also read that in less than 10% of the cases does the cheater marry the lover. The odds are against the affair lasting and of the cheater marrying the lover.

      The odds are against the lover. I have also learned to not trust the numbers. Although the numbers are against the affair lasting, it does not mean that the marriage will last or be unscathed.

      There are also some interesting findings coming out of research on bonding, and its influence in relationships. The attachment and bonding is something in the spouse’s favor, yet many people do not understand this phenomena or they are in too much pain to put it into use.

      Affairs are also relationships based on having fun. When tough times come, they often fade. The poet Anne Sexton wrote a series of poems concerning an affair she had as the lover. Her line that “I am watercolor, I wash off” paints a vivid picture. She describes the wife as sure and solid, with a foundation while she is just a whim.

      These are just a few reasons. I am sure that there are more.

      • Doug

        Jeffrey, thanks for your information, I would love to learn more about the attachment and bonding. I know that the spouse has so many positives in their favor, even in the mist of an affair, but through the turmoil it is difficult to realize and utilize what works with your spouse. When Doug was confused about who he wanted to be with I read an article about winning your husband back from the other women. The advice said you know him better than anyone , you know what makes him happy, just do what you did at the beginning of your relationship. At the time I felt I didn’t know him at all so it was very difficult for me rely on what I knew about him and our relationship to try and move him away from the fantasy of the affair. Honestly I believe they want it all , the fun and stability. I guess the key is to show your spouse they can have it all in their marriage, it just takes time and effort. Linda

    • OW/NowWife

      Mine is one of the 5% who have made it, but that was only because true love developed. And here 21yrs later my H had an EA, no one is spared from that if you don’t have your marriage in order. We have been together 22yrs now and we have a great marriage again thanks to all of you. Keep in mind that affair marriages have the same problems first time marriages do, it is no different. I can give many reasons why the affair won’t last. For one if he/she doesn’t leave their spouse in the first three months, they never will. You read all of these “well he can’t leave her until the child finishes high school”…uh hello stupid! or “he says she’s a terrible wife he only stays with her because he can’t afford to support two households”…uh hello stupid-er. We have all read similar excuses. Even if the affair partners marry,if there are ex-spouses and children in the picture on either/or both sides there is usually a lot of stressful drama,resentment over paying the ex child support,putting out extra money for the ex-spouse,unhappy resentful children and extended family members who take sides etc. Unless you have real love for each other (not “in love” with each other) these issues can and most likely will end the relationship. Like I said before, there is no “riding off into the sunset together”, it’s more like riding into a forrest fire! And if anyone wants to believe it differently they are sadly mistaken. Don’t get me wrong, I am not proud of how we came to be and I have never regretted it because I knew what I was getting myself into but it has not been easy. And like many of the stories here we became complacent and comfortable which allowed the EA to occur.

      • PTY

        OW/Wife: I find your comments very interesting and forthright. I hope things have/will work out for you. I am intrigued about your “3 month” comment. Is that your own opinion, or have you seen it somewhere?

      • Wendy

        I think your relationship lasted 22 years because you probably put up with bullshit that you did not need to deal with due to your guilt and shame. The fact that you cheated and feel no regret could mean that once you obtained the cheater, you had to stick with nonsense. I wonder, if you had integrity initially, you would have had a better chance staying by yourself or meeting a man that would minimize stress in your life. In addition, your cheating husband could have cheated on you several times during your relationship and you did not know.

        • Starr

          Wendy I totally agree with you

        • Lauren

          You have literally no idea what you’re talking about. Making grand proclamations about a complete stranger’a life just makes you look like a bitter idiot tbh.

        • Craig

          Experience here…likely.

        • lourdes

          I agree with wendy you are pretending it worked out with cheater, but I doubt it keep fooling yourself you deserve it.

          • Lika

            I wonder why OW/NowWife would be reading this page/blog if it was/is successful.

        • Lika

          I also totally agree with you Wendy. I’ll add that I think OW/NowWife didn’t want to be alone and didn’t want the “haters” to look at her and smirk when it didn’t last.

        • B2B

          I totally agree with you. Someone wasn’t getting their needs met in this relationship. And usually it’s the woman because we tend to give up our own needs to fulfill others.

        • Hurt

          I agree totally with you Wendy! How can she found happiness in another’s wife misery, pain, hurt, tears, insomnia etc!

      • Brknhrt

        This is a great comment. My wife is in a EA & she has no clue of the damage she’s may cause if it contines. She honestly believes I will follow her acrosss the country with our son to live down the street from her and her new partner and have a progressive family.

        Even if the affair partners marry,if there are ex-spouses and children in the picture on either/or both sides there is usually a lot of stressful drama,resentment over paying the ex child support,putting out extra money for the ex-spouse,unhappy resentful children and extended family members who take sides etc. Unless you have real love for each other (not “in love” with each other) these issues can and most likely will end the relationship. Like I said before, there is no “riding off into the sunset together”, it’s more like riding into a forrest fire!

        • Phoenix

          Hi brknhrt. I moved to Australia with my now ex of 23 years with our two little kids for his new job. within months he was having an affair with a woman 17 years younger at the office. She gave him an ultimatum on New Year’s Day in the middle of the kids Xmas holidays to choose between her and his family. (As an insult to injury he had lent her my car to drive round in for the holidays). He chose her. Once separated we simply can’t afford 2 households in this city and he honestly thinks it’s reasonable to suggest dispatching me and our two bewildered children to another cheaper town in Australia that we have never even seen (I don’t even have a job yet here) while his new fancy life unfolds. Alternatively I can take them back alone to their country of birth wher I feel that inevitably they will lose any meaningful contact with their dad. My head hurts from worry… the irreparable damage these selfish people have caused to the lives of 2 little kids is beyond words.

          • Michelle

            i am curious to know the update of how you and your children are doing. Did you move back or are you in Australia. Reading these stories has been hard as i am experiencing a recovery myself. Husband is still in the picture and doesn’t want to leave. The OW ratted him out twice that to me that they were still in contact because her threats to him didn’t work that its either her or us (we have 2 kids). He chose us–for now. Who knows if that will change but he did see her crazy side and i think there might not be much more I have to do. she is digging her own grave.

            • Forever Broken

              Michelle, Sorry you are in the middle of something you never wanted. Sounds like he doesn’t want the drama- just wanted the thrills of an affair. He is coming out of the affair fog and starting to see her true colors. The affair and all of it’s ugliness are starting to unravel. Let her look stupid – hold your head up and try to maintain your dignity. It’s hard, but God and the odds on in your favor.

          • Twinmom1226

            Do you have an update? I’m in a similar situation and I would love to know what happened

          • Sunshine

            Im sorry. I really am . how are you doing today?

          • Only the lonely

            ‘My head hurts from worry… the irreparable damage these selfish people have caused to the lives of 2 little kids is beyond words.’ exactly, I’m in the same boat. I’m dumbfounded how my wife can carry on, oblivious to the damage it’s causing.

          • Lt

            I’m so sorry. How did it all work out for you? Did they stay together?

        • Only the lonely

          This is my situation. My wife is completely oblivious to the damage she is doing. Yet she expects I’ll agree to her new terms carrying on seeing this man. I’ve left for a month at least for reflection. I can’t witness the damage it is doing to the children and myself.

          • George

            Man, cut your loses and run. In this one month “for reflexion” just get your things in order and kick her out. Once she starts openly triangulating you with her cheating partnet, that means she extract narcissistic supply from your suffering. She recharges her batteries by being “the Price” and you fighting for her. Respect yourself and kick her out. She will come back hoovering and crying some time soon after that, but it will be crocodile tears. Don’t let yourself be tricked that the second marry-go-round will be any better. The moment she assures herself that you are back under her control, she will start cheating again. Just research the term “intermittent reinforcement”. Some people call it Stockholm syndrome, some call it breadcrumbing, some call it trauma bond, but that is what you experience now.
            I wish someone told me that 3 years ago. Good luck to you and your kids.

            • Only The Lonely

              Thanks for your comments. It’s hard to convey, but she seems to have gone control crazy. Shes dropped this bomb shell and expects everyone to go with her plans unaffected. Interesting you say narcissistic Ive looked up this and she fits the characteristics. She’s been using pathetic reasons for her to destroy the kids and me. Never thought it possible. I understand you going along for three years. Thats what I did. You think it’ll get better improve. Just gets worse. No empathy over the years for what we’ve achieved. I wish you all the best, and thanks so much for the advice.

          • Mike

            It hasn’t sunk in yet. If she had any morals at all she’s had to rationalize or self justify her actions. I get it, my wife became a selfish, self serving pathological liar & villanized myself & anyone else who tried to interject any common sense into her affair. Cognitive dissonance will eventually tear her apart once she wakes up.

            Reality will eventually sink in. It hurts like hell but patience & consistency on your part are essential if you want to keep your home intact. This is not your fault, she chose to step out & modify or abandon core values, beliefs, her reputation, her dignity & even her children for a twisted fantasy.

            I’m right there with you she has went crazy on emotions. It like being drunk or high for her. She isnt going to listen to anything you have to say. There will be a hangover eventually. Remember it is a fantasy she thinks is real. She needs help, & likely has issues that preceed your marriage. You may have triggered something but this is on her.

            You cant control her & begging will make it worse. That said you should examine yourself for any improvements you can make to you. Hang in there.

      • wendy

        you are the type of immoral woman the world needs to rid themselves of . STarting with shaming you for breaking up a family. Curses to you and your cheating husband, may god withhold all love and benefits from your lives of destruction, and you eternally live with the sin and guilt of adultry. Enjoy your life on earth because eternity in hell last forever, and thats JUST THE BEGINNING

        • D

          What a vile and ignorant response! You clearly need to look at your self!

          • Jane

            You need to reflect on yourself for supporting cheaters

        • cmo

          christians get a bad name because of people like you. your spirit is twisted. get a therapist, some self control and leave the grown ups alone.

        • Priya

          This is ridiculous. Cursing is not acceptable. Who are you God? Did you hear of something called freedom of choice.

      • Lydia

        The grass is greener where you water.

        And a hell of a lot of you are confusing lust and love.

        Keep in mind lust is a deadly sin. It sits up there with greed and envy. Nothing good can come from it.

        To marry a lover who has not had respect for your marriage. Just shows how much respect he will have for your marriage when he marries you.

        • Adrian i diaconu

          What a wise comment I am intrigued!

        • Lost

          Lydia, your response is very correct. Someone has a level head on their shoulders.

        • Katherine


      • delane levy

        you disgust me. ….enjoy your next 10 years because the next 20, 20,000 2 billion years in hell wont be fun

      • Gail

        I don’t think there is any excuse that you could give that sums up a successful marriage after you’ve cheated. After all you helped break up a home and family . Then you go to say how your not ” proud” of how your marriage happened but you’ve never regretted it ? I am glad your story hasn’t been easy as you had no right to do what you did . Sorry just sayin , shame on you !

    • Donna

      I so desperatly needed to read this today Linda, so thank you so much.

      Linda said “In my mind though, I believed Doug’s affair was one of the 10% that could turn into a long term relationship.”

      This is exactly my train of throught oo Linda, so very bizarre. You also mentioned that ” I imagine they believe that their situation is different and that they (and the relationship) are special.” My husband has pretty much said this to me. He has said that he is not just any ordinary case, and that he knows that the OW and he could be very happy together, they are more compatible than we are. He knows they will have troubles as well, however he says they will be able to work through those and be happy. He says that there releationship is exciting. I asked him how and he couldn’t tell me. He said it is just the feeling he gets… too funny!

      Anyway, I agree with what you said. There relationship was founded on friendship which VERY quickly turned into deceit as I never knew abou the phone calls or anything until D day. I can see them crashing and burning because the shame and guilt would eat them both alive.

      I am struggling with the fact that I feel I must be a really boring person who just can’t get that exciting feeling and give that to my husband. I feel worthless in this area. I feel I a not interesting to talk too whee OW is. I know this is not true, this is just how the affair has made me feel in all of this.

      Anyway, taking one day at a time. He is not interested in our marriage right now and I imagine he is in turmoil at the thought the OW will be moving 4 hours away in 2 weeks. Once tha is out of the way, maybe then we can start to slowly, very slowly work on us. In the mean time I will be a rock of support to him and stay calm in my very turbulent world, so he has a safe and calm place to come home too.

      Again Linda, thankyou for todays article. 🙂

      • Lana

        I am curious to know whatever happened….as I am going through this…please tell.

      • Eddie

        In my opinion feeling worthless is lite , two years ago I found out I have cancer and shortly after that I found out my wife was cheating talk about a double whammer, e feel humiliated and less then a man, 14 years I never even for a moment thought of bedding any other women

        • lourdes

          don’t feel bad same happe ed to me while I had cancer doing chemo and busting my ass so I wouldn’t be a burden to him. plus we had 2 small kids and he fell for the lowest workout sad infested whore in town. told me she was his best friend and companion. and that she was on exclusive with him only what a sapp

      • Twinmom1226

        What happened? I would love an update. I’m going through something similar.

      • Sunshine

        You want to stay calm and support your husband? Open the door for him and tell him go and tell him dont look back. Stand up for yourself. Because I’ve been there and that’s what I did when my daughter was 3 years old.

        • Loyalty

          I did exactly this 4 years ago and he told me if he could control, alt and delete her he would. He quickly realized I was ready to end the marriage and move on and he was smart enough to fight for us.

          • Sunshine

            Are you still with him?

            • Loyalty

              Yes. But it’s been a hard 3.5 years. I still have moments of anger and hurt and distrust, but I married him for better or for worse. I believed in our vows and know that I have the upper hand in our marriage now, especially since he has recommitted and is all in. I am now the one with one foot in and one foot out. I’m the one wronged and he cannot hurt me like that ever again. I have the strength to walk away now if it were to ever happen again. That’s scary, but empowering.

        • Shesavedme

          I was going to say something simular to Donna, even though her comment is from 10 years ago. The more you are nice to a cheater the more they devalue you. In fact they lose all respect for you if you keep them around and instead of kick them out you try to live them more give them more you name it. Donna’s comnent actually made me physically want to vomit, although i do realize she is the victim. The kind of narcissistic abuse called “intermittent reinforcement” can make the victim take so much abuse till they turb themselves into doormats.

    • Donna

      I so desperatly needed to read this today Linda, so thank you so much.

      Linda said “In my mind though, I believed Doug’s affair was one of the 10% that could turn into a long term relationship.”

      This is exactly my train of throught oo Linda, so very bizarre. You also mentioned that ” I imagine they believe that their situation is different and that they (and the relationship) are special.” My husband has pretty much said this to me. He has said that he is not just any ordinary case, and that he knows that the OW and he could be very happy together, they are more compatible than we are. He knows they will have troubles as well, however he says they will be able to work through those and be happy. He says that there releationship is exciting. I asked him how and he couldn’t tell me. He said it is just the feeling he gets… too funny!
      I also think… why would he want to raise OW’s 4 rowdy young boys aged 14 down to 4 when he struggles the at the moment with his own 4 young childnre who he loves? Makes no sense, add into the mix of ex wife and an ex husband and add to that 8 children, makes for one very crazy and turbulent ride I would say.

      Anyway, I agree with what you said. There relationship was founded on friendship which VERY quickly turned into deceit as I never knew abou the phone calls or anything until D day. I can see them crashing and burning because the shame and guilt would eat them both alive.

      I am struggling with the fact that I feel I must be a really boring person who just can’t get that exciting feeling and give that to my husband. I feel worthless in this area. I feel I a not interesting to talk too whee OW is. I know this is not true, this is just how the affair has made me feel in all of this.

      Anyway, taking one day at a time. He is not interested in our marriage right now and I imagine he is in turmoil at the thought the OW will be moving 4 hours away in 2 weeks. Once tha is out of the way, maybe then we can start to slowly, very slowly work on us. In the mean time I will be a rock of support to him and stay calm in my very turbulent world, so he has a safe and calm place to come home too.

      Again Linda, thankyou for todays article. 🙂

      • Doug

        Donna, I heard the same things, how compatible they were and how we didn’t have anything in common anymore. Well that was total bullshit. If you knew us you would know how compatible were are. We enjoy all the same interests and always have. Unfortunately life became very busy and we stopped enjoying all of those things. I knew from day one that they weren’t that compatible because like your husband Doug also had a difficult time explaining what was so special about Tanya and their relationship. He would say she was fun, outgoing, but when I would press for more information he really couldn’t explain it to me. He could tell me he had fun but he couldn’t tell me why, how, I believe because he really didn’t know himself, it was a mystery to him as much as it was to me. I believe it has to do with the illusion, they see this person as they want to see them and their fantasy may be totally different from the way the person really is. They want to believe they are compatible and this is special, if not why would they be messing up their lives for this person.

        Last week Doug and I met a couple that hooked up on EHarmony, and they talked about the questions and the long process to find a mate. I joked with Doug because Tanya wouldn’t have made it on his list because they didn’t have that much in common contrary to what he believed when they began the affair. Hang in there hopefully the fog with lift and reality will set in. Linda

        • black

          Donna he can’t describe FUN to you because he can’t list all the wonderful positions and times or places he was nailing her here and there!! FUCK
          all that compatibility bullshit!! It takes a lot of effort to lie and cheat…that’s so easy…as long as she use willing to spread them legs…he will not deny a free piece of ass, especially if he mostly sees her on her back!! But for the spouse that has put up with all the mistreatment emotional abuse and mental trauma from the outcome of the affair…Not only does she deserve an Emmy but she also deserves a crown when she puts her big girl panties on…and throw his ass to the curb for being such a dirty scrub that he is for intentionally causing dissension and pain…FUCK HIM…not the way he knows how…but understand…who needs all that unnecessary emotional pain!!!
          After what he did….He can be tossed out like used foods…after a while if it’s not consumed its get stale and rotten….just like his behavior…SAY good riddens to old rubbish

          • Lika

            Black, I love your punch. I wouldn’t want her dirty leftovers.
            Yet, I tell my husband and friends that after all of these years of marriage (40+), I would be damned if I just get out of the way. I tell my husband to remember if he has an affair (which he did for about 6 months years ago) that he better make certain the other woman knows she’s an outside cat and will only get the kibbles and bits available. I’m the inside cat and going to stay on my satin pillow and good food until the day I die. Not as exciting when he knows you know and don’t seem to care. Many songs about my attitude but my favorite song is sung by ZZ Hill called “Someone Else Is Steppin’ In”.

        • Holdingon

          It’s way different when the person they are messing with is their first love, she’s been with me and him. When I found out what was going on, it had been going on for 2 years without my knowledge, why, because I trusted her 110%, I was never looking for anything. About all I could say after 23 years is your a very good liar. She says it never became physical, but she sent him nude pictures and told him she never stopped loving him. It would probably have happened sooner if he hadn’t been in prison, what a catch.

        • Janice

          Yes. My 50 year old husband is trying to tell me what a “soulmate” his 21 year old girlfriend is…but, if I ask him what she gives him that I could not, he will say, “I’m not going to talk about that.” He truly believes that this girl, who is younger than our youngest daughter, fills that “empty space” in him. It’s an amazing thing how sin can twist a mans thoughts and vision.

          • Kathy

            Janice, I’m just wondering how this relationship ended up? My husband, who is 60, is seeing someone who is 35. He used the same words- “soulmate”, and said she’s the only one that lights his fire. I just moved out, but I’m wondering how long these ridiculous relationships last?

            • Jana

              This relationship started when he was 48 and she was 19. It was initially a secret for about 4 months. He allegedly ended it to work on our marriage., but after one year of couples therapy, I found out he had been seeing her the entire time. Long story short, I have not physically seen him for 8 months (we text regularly). The two are getting ready to get an apartment together. He, however, appears to be miserable. Drinking ALOT and pretending that his relationships with two of our three daughters are not broken (they want their Dad but don’t even want her name mentioned). He basically must live a double life because she is not welcomed by anyone.
              He has lost me, his home, financial security, and the respect of every friend and family member.
              His mother says there is no way it will sustain…because he talks to her like she is a child and she tries to fight for equality.
              He continues to “run” by working so many hours that their time together has reduced to a few hours a week. I guess they believe everything will be magical when they get a place for themselves…that everyone will accept her existence in his life…with time.

            • JD

              I fell for a thirty two year old woman and left my wife and daughter. The relationship lasted two years before she monkey branched and left me via text message. I deserved it. My cross to bear

            • Kathy

              Hi Jana,
              How did it all work out with your husband and that younger woman? Did he ever get an apartment with her? Are they even still together? Hope all is well with you and your daughters.

      • Gail

        Let me tell you girlfriend ! Your husband’s affair in no shape or form is about this other chika being more fun than you! The Fun your husband is talking about is called Limerance , which when the façade is over and “She ” starts showing her true colors I assure you this will ware off. If you you tube AFFAIR RECOVERY so many useful videos for the Unfaithful and the Betrayed. Work on you and be authentic to yourself ! You are Lovable and you are fun ! Quit letting someone else tell you your not ! look at your husband ,would you rather be not fun or would you rather have lost your ” Moral Compass” as he has. I am sorry looser husband I will take NOT FUN over that anyday! Sweet heart you go find FUN , and be everything you can be I would shove those words down his throat! My story should be on Jerry Springer , my husband has tried to blame me for him not being Healthy and its BS! I am sorry but when someone has an affair it says a whole lot about them and nothing about you . He could have done anything but have an affair it was a choice! You go be you ! and hold that lovely head up of yours ! And show him just how fun you are , but he can no longer have it!

        • Tara

          I really needed to read this today. Thank you.

        • Jana

          Limerence is as fascinating as it is real!

          • Kathy

            Hi Jana,
            Whatever happened with your husband and that 19 year old? I’m just wondering how it all worked out since I just read your post from May 2019.

          • Kathy

            I’m so curious to find out how you and your 3 daughters are doing? Is your husband still in that relationship with that young girl? I really hope you’re doing ok,
            Take Care,

        • Laura

          God Bless You! For your encouragement! Lust is not Love!

        • Lt

          Thank you. I needed to see this today. Your words are very encouraging.

    • Donna

      thank you for the replies… Another thing my husband said is that he just loves everything about her. That is why he loves her. I hate that he took some dvd’s back to the shop and I sit here not trusting him and wanting to ask him if he called her while he was out. However, I will remain silent and not ask. I hate this no trust issue. How on earth have you got through this linda and Doug. I know she will be moving away, yet I still fear that he will miss her so much and that will be the straw that breaks the camels back so to speak. They have never had to really withdraw from each other because they would try and then contact each other and then see each other. Well he knows I will not trust him if he has to go North as I know what would happen. I so want my husband to hold me and yet he just wants nothing to do with me physically. Ho Hum, this is the sucky part. I hate this.. Even though all this has happened, I hate thatwe are not intimate anymore, I do miss that sie of our relationship as i did feel close to him Funny how some don’t want to touch there spouses and yet I crave it, even with all the hurt I have felt.

      Patience is so hard and yet it is to become the new normal. We did have a good day out as a family today. I do know that the next 2 weeks are going to be awful for him as he know she will be leaving soon. 4 hours away is not that far, yet it is far enough for now. I wonder if the phone contact will just increase once she has gone. They won’t be seeing each other, so they will continue an affair over the phone.

      Anyway, lots that can or will happen in the next few months. I just need to stay calm and be patient.. that will be my new mantra.. stay patient Donna 😛

      • Holdingon

        I told mine straight up that if she wanted this guy I would take her there and drop her off, I told her that I would fight for her or with her, but I refused to fight for her. Mine had to make a choice early. I refuse to be 2nd choice to anyone, and I love her more then life itself, but if she don’t know what she wants after 23 years, she never will.

        • Holdingon

          Last one should have been I refuse to fight OVER her.

          • Anniecake

            Ooh I like that! That is exactly how I feel. Yes he can come back and be all and then I will fight like heck to make our marriage work. If he wants to remain an ass then I will go right at him. The one thing I won’t do is fight for him with another woman who has no business even being in the same ring. She can get down and dirty if she wants but I will always hold my head high.

        • Southern Man

          You took the right path on that one. My spouse asked if I would fight for her. I quickly asked ” why would I fight for you? You are a cheater”. She never asked that again. I also made it plain that I would not be 2nd to anyone and further, that the OP had to be not only gone but completely out of her head and her heart before I would even consider being with her again as a real husband, and further there was no reason I would want to come back to her. She tried a few limp wristed threats of one kind or another but I held to the Rhett Butler reply when he walked out on Scarlett “frankly my dear I don’t giver a damn”. I was completely in charge from the moment of discovery. I say when your woman acts up like this then By God be a man. And now 30 years later we have a great marriage. I was polite and soft spoken throughout the ordeal but strong as a bull ox in what I would accept and what I would not accept. Never had trouble with my woman since then.

      • Lt

        Oh Donna, I hope you kicked this price of shit out of your life. Everything he said and did pour a out that he is finished with the marriage.
        How are you? How did it work out for you?

      • sydney

        Are you stupid or something?

        Do you read what you type?

        ‘ I know the next few weeks are going to be tough for him as she is moving ”

        This isn’t love.

        Tell your husband to go.

        You have clearly made your self dumb and you have lost all your worth worrying about how he feels over her.

        Get up and live your life.

        Move on.

    • Last2know

      Donna, what are you doing to “fight” for your marriage? Obviously you have not read enough. Quit being patient! I can tell you that right now she is the complete opposite of you. You need to put on your big girl panties and act totally opposite of what he expects. what were like when you both met? Be her be that women you were when you first met your H. That’s what he wants and don’t forget the 3 A’ adoration, appreciation and admiration. Start feeding it to him. Just by reading your posts it doesn’t appear that you have looked at how you may have contributed to the weaknesses in your marriage. You need to start there. Also quit asking him about her and ask him what is it about “me” that changed? “I need to know so I can work on it”. “I will need to know so that when I move on I can be everything to the new man in my life as she is to you”. It might make him think. Start dressing up, make up etc. and whistle and sing to yourself while doing things at home. He won’t know what to think. But make everything about you and his Affair is, well his affair. If you are acting like a doormat, you will be treated like one. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain, most especially your self-esteem. It’s about you right now and his affair will play out one way or the other. Be ready to start your new life. Be it with him or someone else.

      • Holdingon

        Screw the 3 A’s, I thought about doing different things, but I realized that we hadn’t been having any problems, everything had always been great, inseparable for 23 years, then her first love got out of prison, it wouldn’t have happened with anyone else. They had just broken up when I met her, she was 16, we married fast and never looked back, to marry someone you’ve only know for 90 days seems crazy, but somehow I knew she was the love of my life, yes, love at first sight, and it never deminished even after 23 years, I lust after her still, that first feeling of euphoria has never let up for me, she still makes my blood boil just looking at her.

        • Holdingon

          She is my first true love and will be my only love, I’m 50 and I have no desire for anyone else and I know I never will, there’s not a woman on the planet I would ever choose over her, it’s her or no one for me, when you love someone like this it’s not possible to turn it off.

          • Savedbyher

            Holdingon, your proclamations about your love, although admirable, do seem to me that you have been a victim of “intermittent reinforcement”. Thats the type of addiction a narcissist can cause to their victim by breadcrumbing or blowing hot and cold i termittently and on unpredictable ever increasing intervals.

      • Hambert

        You have it!!!! I’m working on me now!???? Thanks so much for posting your comment! Took me 8 months to get there!!!!

    • Donna

      Last2know, I appreciate your comments, however.. you do not know me or my circumstances. They may be similar, what works for one person doesn’t alsways mean it will work for the other. I can just tell you, with my husband ranting and raving will certainly not earn me any brownie points. It will only make him want to be homeless and push him towards OW. As for me being patient doea not mean I am being a door mat or am on drugs etc… My husband knows with out me going on and on about it that I DO NOT approve at all of what he was or is doing. As for not fighting for my marriage, apparently when does being patient show me not fighting for my marriage? I think it shows the opposite. What I am allowing is for my husband to work through his emotions and see where his loyalties will lay in the end. May work for me and not you, I understand that, however I am not being a doormat. Far from it. As for getting about the house singing etc.. and being happy, I am doing that. He knows I am devestated and notin denial about any of this. He hears my cries from the lounge of a night when I am in bed and dreaming. The same re occuring dream which has me ending up in tears. He knows my heartache. Yelling and screaming will not help me or my marriage.

      I do dress up, actually I take better care of myself more now than pre affair days. I have lost ove 90lbs, just had a tummy tuck and look fantastic.. not that he has told me. I see what I look like and know I am looking good. It would be nice for him to comment, however I also realise he has eyes and see’s me very clearly. He obviously just can’t comment for some reason.

      Thank you for the advice on that the affair is his and not mine, make it about me and not the other. I will take that advice on.

      I do give my husband the 3 A’s, he never responds to them and I never expect him too until he feels he can. It does hurt, I will continue to do it though and praise praise praise etc…

      As far as looking at what weaknesses I have contributed to our marriage, I have certainly done that. I have gone over and over and know where I have failed and could improve and am doing the opposite of what I was doing. Just from reading a post doesn’t give full accounts of what or where someone is in there marriage. I know what my weaknesses are, however my weaknesses did not MAKE him take that step of infidelity. That was HIS choice and I WILL NOT be accountable for that. There are 2 in this marriage and if he was in a bad place, taking it to someone else sure as hell was not the answer. His choice and his problem. I will fight for my marriage, I can’t make his choices and I am strong and know I do not not deserve this crap and he knows this. I have read and read all that is on this site and I think I am at a pretty good place.

      As I said, maybe being patient is not the answer for you. I recognise it is for me and my marriage and i also recognise that he will either stay in the end or leave. Either way, I will be okay.
      It has been 6 months since D day for me and you know what… he is still here. I will be grateful for that and not complain and just keep doing what I have been. He has to change mostly, I do too, yet it is mainly him.

      • Pat

        Just a comment about feeling boring. Get that out of your head. He wants the excitement of “being in love”. The feeling you have when you’re about 17 years old. He can’t get that excitement with someone he has a history with. My advice to you if you are going to be patient, is be mysterious. Do NOT chat/question him. He doesn’t deserve to use you as a shoulder to lean on when he starts to feel blue that she’s moving…whatever. He is self centered…he’s detached from you emotionally right now because he is living only for what feels good.

        • Doug

          Pat, that is a great comment. It is very difficult for the betrayed spouse to understand what is going through our husband’s head when they are in an emotional affair. I still have problems understanding it, but I think you are right on target when you said they want the excitement of being in love, like a teenager.
          I was a teenager once who experienced the ups and downs and the excitement of infatuation, I may be boring but I would much rather have the security, commitment and mature love that is present in a long term marriage. Yes I sometimes long for Doug to have the head over heals feeling for me, but I don’t want the drama and the insecurity that comes with it.

          I guess our husbands want to feel young and carefree again. I wish I could help Doug feel like that everyday but sometimes obligations and life get in the way and there is no escaping it. I believe that is the main appeal of an affair, the escape from reality. The hour or two when they are the center of the universe, free from talk about money, chores, where someone doesn’t care if they paid the mortgage or took the kids to the dentist. This person allows them to remember what it was like to be a teenager, when they had the whole world ahead of them, with their hopes and dreams. This person doesn’t know their failures and faults, they just make them feel perfect in every way.

          I wish I could provide this atmosphere for Doug everyday, actually I wish we could provide it for each other. I need the escape just as much as he does, but how do you turn off the switch and pretend reality doesn’t exist when it is all around you? I wish that we could escape to our private meeting spot or restaurant everyday and only focus on each other and never mention the kids, bills, or chores. Is that possible? It is unfair that when you are involved in an affair that is such a priority but in a marriage it is the last thing on the list. How do we make our marriage into an affair? Linda

      • Paula

        You are being his doormat! Your situation is no different than all the other million affairs that are going on. Why stay with a man who seems to not love you but is with you for “convienence.” I would rather be alone than be with a man who can’t compliment me on my weight loss, or just seems disinterested in me. There’s other fish in the sea, what makes him so special?

      • Mari Scott

        Truth is the majority of cheaters want their cake and eat it too. They are the most selfish and narcissistic people on earth. There is simply no excuse. NONE! And if you happen to get tge cheater to leave the wife or the wife gives him the boot and they go to you, chances are that they will cheat on you too because that is what gives them the thrills and they are addicted to the novelty, the secrecy, the excitement that they can find only in new relationships. 99% of cheaters never stop cheating

    • Last2know

      Donna, sorry if I offended you in any way, that was not my intention at all, remember I am on your side, I have been where you’re at. Your situation is different. In my case the OW got busted by her H and her H told me. It happened labor day last year. My H was standing next to me while the OW’s H was texting me. At first I defended my H and said “I know my husband and you must be mistaken. I was telling my H about the texts, slowly I saw his demeanor change and then I knew it was true and he admitted it. I was in shock, my H was devasted was crying and apologizing profusely and all I could was sit there. Then his EA was over. The thought of losing me, us was tearing him apart. Today he is still apologizing. So your right I haven’t had to stand back and wait to see him be “in love” with someone else. We had a conversation in each others arms the other night. He told me he couldn’t live without me then asked me the same and I said “yes
      I could live without you, I choose not to because I love you and want to spend my life with you” He was shocked. The old me would have never been to think it much less say it. I don’t think I could do what your doing. It would just be too hard. You say your H hasn’t commented on your looks, remember in an A it’s not about looks. Just keep looking good for you that is what is most important. When I said read I meant read Articles, books not just this website. That helped me a lot. Although it still hurts my marriage and my H and I have changed we are communicating more and better than ever. I am here for you, whatever I say is not to hurt you, I promise.

      • How much longer?

        And here I am, with tears rolling down my face reading all of your comments. My husband goes from woman to woman. My oldest is 23 years old, and my youngest 16 years of age. I just can’t do this anymore. I have tried the 3 As, bent over backwards . I feel alone. Lonely. Sad. I have prayed and nothing. I just don’t what else to do.

        • Tearingapart

          Same here my husband was dating a 19 years old( he is 35 is ridiculous) and he made lots of promises to her he told her he hates me and he dreamed a whole life with her.
          This OW had the balls and she went to my house to ask me to leave and live in a car with my 6yrs old boy and even left money on the mail box with a note saying she wish for me to move on fast.
          She is so selfish and cruel she has been sending me.screen shots of my H messages and it hurts beyond words.
          When my H saw how she acted towards me and my kid the FOG lifted and he broke with her right away telling her he wanted to be with us.
          We move to another state 8hrs away from her but I still feel unloved and unwanted im working hard though my emotions to fight for my marriage but the man I once loved its no longer here he just seems uninterested and keeps lying about the feelings towards her 🙄 I read the text and now he sais he just wanted to had sex with her (like if that made pain any easier).
          I don’t know how to fix this or if this will work for us. I just need help to move forward

        • Hurt

          I hear ya. Plesee give an update. 20 years and he had 3 affairs! Every Affair is a full on relationship lasting long time- one was 3,5 years and 1.5 years to break up!! When he’s caught he won’t break with with her! He breaks up on his own terms! How hurtful!
          I am dying inside and drowning!

    • Liz

      Donna- I think we all see you hurting and want to help, but your right what works for us will not work for everyone else! You do what is working for you and only you will know when enough is enough!
      I too lost 92 lbs and felt great about myself and at the time I just couldnt figure out why he wasnt looking at me but I do now. She was all he thaught about it really didnt matter what I looked like! The crazy thing is she wasnt overly pretty, just average! I think when someone tells us what we are not doing really stings! It whips us back into reality that maybe we are not doing enough or maybe we are still screwing up! Even if we know we did’nt make them do what they are doing we feel like we must have done something to push him into someone elses arms. I think we all think it at some point. We just need to take a minute and realize that we have to make our own happy! I think what I have realized though is I will be a better person and if he is lucky enough to stand next to me on this journey then we both win and if not I still have me! 🙂

      • Doug

        Liz/Donna, I think most of us can relate to being ignored during our husband’s affair. I got down to 105, wore sexy bras and undies, tried extra hard to look my best and Doug never made a comment or pretended to notice. It was very upsetting and I would beat myself up, I thought that Tanya most be some kind of model because Doug pretended I didn’t exist. I would search for ways to make myself even more attractive to him, still without any result. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me. Everyone else would make compliments, why wouldn’t the person who I needed it from the most unable to do so. I think he was blindsided by her and the fantasy and also turned off by my insecurities. It is very frustrating and the only thing I can say is to love yourself. Remember it is not about you, forget about what he is not doing and focus on what you are accomplishing to make yourself the best you can be. Don’t let him bring you down and don’t let allow his actions get the best of you. Linda

      • Holdingon

        I guess I got cheated more then once, I read that most of you lost weight, I had just the opposite, I gained 60 pounds in 5 months.

    • LizS

      My husband had a true affair! I found out after she had called it off, but only 3 weeks after. So now I understand why he went through all the mood swings and the withdrawl durning the time that I thaught we were “working on it!” I could’nt figure out why he would stare out the window for long periods of time while we were in the car togeather and ignore me…well now I know his mind was some place else! But I have to say you are right about all the stages of the affair. He went thorugh them all and has started to realize it was all a fantasy and that it truely never would have worked. Well I just have to wonder what the hell was he thinking then? I know he was’nt but ugh! It still pisses me off! I try to understand it and I still can not! Does that make me weak at times I think yes and then I remember I am human and it’s ok to feel this way but I also think what did I do to deserve this? No live this life of there lies? Will it ever be normal? Im not even looking for great just normal!

      • Doug

        LizS, Thanks for the comments. You didn’t deserve this. That’s one reason why forgiving and trusting after an affair is so difficult. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can, act on that knowledge and things can return to almost normal with time–even better. Good luck.

    • LizS

      Doug-Thanks! I know now that I did’nt deserve this but I did blame myself at first…now I know it really had nothing to do with me! I have read just about everything I can…I use this website almost daily and I guess I can’t change the past as much as I would like to I can’t but I am in charge of my future and I am workingon this! 🙂

    • Pat

      Liz, No one deserves the betrayal. You’re right that he was not in his right mind. An affair offers such newness/excitement and adoration. A marriage can’t offer those tidbits.. A marriage can offer much quieter, deeper, gifts. Safety, security, a feeling of trust, family. Sometimes the quieter things don’t seem important. Be glad your spouse woke up. Mine did not. He started an email affair with and old girlfriend, visited her once and ended the marriage. A marriage can survive an affair. How someone can throw away a 22 year relationship is hard to understand. I felt weak that is took me so long to get over. Now, I think would I want to be with a man that CAN toss 22 years without a thought. Hang in there.

      • Holdingon

        They see being able to break up a marriage of that duration a compliment, that they won a great prize. My wife’s AP lives 800 miles away, he’s lucky because I’ve learned a few not so good things about myself. 1st and formost, my wife is my life, if someone tries to take her they are trying to take my life, I will respond.

        • Holdingon

          I told her I wouldn’t fight over her, I lied. If she was absolutely sure she wanted him I would walk away. But if she ever takes him around my boys or my granddaughter things won’t go well, if I don’t get there fast enough my boys will have all the fun, they told her that themselves. He will never be allowed anywhere near my family. Don’t know why but if I ever saw him with my granddaughter in his arms I don’t think I could control myself, I always make sure I have bail money, lol. I know, violence solves nothing, except when at war, guess what, I’m at, what is it, defcon 1.

          • No more

            I feel the same way just found out last Monday 16 years together with my wife and she’s being seeing a man 20 years older than me me and my son are devastated she won’t tell me his full details because I would kill the bastard . I Thought we had a perfect life I’m in pieces now.

            • RoseBing

              Wow I found out on the same exact date. Only she is 20 plus years younger. Been with him for over 23 years, in fact the previous week we had just celebrated our anniversary. We have four kids together. I took him back, and the two months we were supposedly “rebuilding our marriage” was nothing but a sham and any affection he showed me, I simply chalk it up to pure manipulation. I don’t know him anymore. He’s definitely not the person I married. The two months we were rebuilding our marriage well at some point he was in contact with her and he was nothing but a rude jerk to me because he felt guilty. He was also distant and cold at times. He went back to screwing this woman and I caught him again, so I didn’t waste time filling for divorce. That was about a month ago. I’m getting out while I still have my sanity and I am looking so much better now that I’m gaining my weight back (i get super thin in distress) and I’m laughing and smiling, eating well and not crying at night. I feel for these long suffering spouses, for me, two months was hell enough, I could not endure and hold out for this idiot to decide he doesn’t want the other woman. Believe me, he is a self-entitled spoiled brat who thinks he deserves two women. People, don’t waste your life on this kind, do something for yourself and move on. Be happy being single.

            • Josie

              Wow,reading your letter was like reading my life,my husband lied, cheated and moved out and in with his fling woman and a few months past and he wanted to come back . I was open to a reconciliation, good people do bad things sometimes so i wanted to give him the chance to get past the mistake but the only one working on the marraige was me, i gave 110% i felt our 36 yr marraige deserved it. Him ,he was distant,moody and was his selfish self doing nothing different and was still in contact with her.Yes i said get out go be with her.She won SO SHE THINKS. I would rather learn to move on than to have a life with him ,that is not the man i married and loved…..he changed,i didnt! I as well as all others deserve a faithful ,caring person who wants them, not a selfish person who takes, blames and is clueless to the meaning of REAL love ! AND DOESNT CARE about how their cheating has destroyed the person they vowed to love and honor. To think back and see i was actually suicidal and am ashamed now that he had that much power over me because now 2 YEARS AFTER the fact i KNOW i am a great person yes with flaws but i am real (no fantasy) and am willing and able to work hard on showing my care and love . AND NEVER WILL I BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED… is to short !

      • Devastated

        How are you doing now? 10 years later? Is he still with her? My husband threw away a 26 year relationship, high school sweethearts. Left me and his boys behind. Says he’s not shoot, she doesn’t make him happy and the grass isn’t greener. But I think nothing he says is the truth now.

    • Ann

      No one deserves betrayal. You’re right, your husband was not in his right mind. An affair offers newness/excitement and adoration. Marriage can’t offer those tidbits. Marriage has deeper, quieter gifts. Family, trust, security, safety..peace- knowing your spouse knows your secrets. Sometimes the quieter gifts don’t seem important. Be glad your husband woke up. Mine did not. He started an email affair with an old girlfriend. Met her once and ended our marriage. I felt weak because it took me so long to get over. A marriage CAN survive an affair. I couldn’t understand how someone could throw away 22 years without a thought. Now I think, would I WANT to be married to a man that could do that? Hang in there. You will become stronger. Your husband does, now, seem to realize what he almost lost.

      • Marie

        I’m in the middle of what I feel is my 3atrikes you’re out cheating husband paperback novel. I think I’m just gonna write one, publish later so he doesn’t get anything from it in the divorce. Save your heartache. Leave now, it’s them not u

    • LizS

      Ann-Im sorry to hear that your marriage did not work out but I guess have oyu ever thaught “Thank Goodness?” I know that is a awful thing to say but I think that sometimes! I do love my husband although I am not able to express those feelings the way he would like for me to right now! I thin the same thing do I WANT to be married to a man that could do that but from everyrthing I read it’s in all of us so do I go and give a stranger the change to change my world forever or do I just stay here and hope that my husband came get his shit togeather?

      • Ann

        I think you can start to get over it if your husband knows how much he hurt you. My ex woke up after four years. He realized he had no self respect or integrity. Words like loyalty, commitment, dedication, devotion and honesty made him feel shame. I do think you can recover from an affair but your husband has to REALLY understand how much he hurt you. He has to be willing to give you a lot of time to heal from the betrayal.

        • Doug

          Ann, thanks for contributing to our site it is helpful to hear from people who have different stories and are in different stages of recovery. If this is not too personal I am curious to know if your ex is still with his affair partner and what he is doing with his life. I think all of us hope that our spouses will eventually wake up and realize how stupid they were and how much they risked by their selfish behavior. I will never know how difficult the last four years was for you but I have to think that you have learned from this situation and have grown to be a stronger person because of it. Linda

          • Ann

            He is no longer with his affair partner. They did marry. She had also left a 21 year marriage. Said, after awhile when they looked at each other, it was just an “ick” feeling. I no longer chat with him at all. I don’t want to be pulled back into his life (his caring about me and regret is just another self centered way of him worrying about himself). He is now involved with another woman. I don’t think he has evolved enough yet to realize he needs to be happy alone first.

            • RoseBing

              Beautiful statement. The spouse that can be single for awhile has time for self awareness and discovery.

    • Ann

      My thought about affairs, is, a marriage can recover. I got to the point that I respected a man having an affair (the not deciding…the loving his wife but drawn to this other woman) more than I did my ex who ended a marriage after emails and one visit. He had no emotional ties to me at all if he could do that. So, for those of you suffering from an affair, there is hope for your marriage. He could very well still love you …has made a horrible mistake..but can still love you.

      • Lucy

        Oh Ann! I just came across this web site and been following your posts. In reading your posts, I feel there is hope for my future. My soon to be ex left me for another after 20 yrs, and your right, it never lasts. The hurt that I and his child feels is so unbearable. He too is now with someone else. I’m still in divorce proceedings which have been hell going on 2 yrs. I just hope I can over come all of this pain which is so so intense, and hope I can pick up the pieces and start a new life again.

        thanks to all who have posted-good or bad it helps all of us understand both sides of the human nature.

        • Devastated

          Did he ever ask to come back? For your forgiveness?
          Are you happy now?

    • Toni

      I just found out 1 month ago that my H was having an EA with an ex from 20 yrs ago! They had started texting 1 1/2 months prior to that. We’ve been married 17 yrs, no kids. And now they are in a full blown relationship. This has been the worst hurt I’ve ever had. We had discussed divorce but I am trying to save our marriage. He has said he wants to give me a chance to show him the marriage can be saved and he suggested date night. He tells me he never wants to be a divorce man, but feels like its headed in that direction. He’s here for date night (we leave phones in car so no texting or calls) but he’s gone usually one night during the, and leaves Fri after work and returns Sun afternoon. He says its an uphill battle and if he didn’t want to see if this can work he would have packed up his stuff and moved in with her (apparently its what she wants). He has taken her to meet our friends and that didn’t go to well with them; they made her feel very uncomfortable and let him know how they don’t like the situation. We still have sex and he has moved into the other bedroom. He says that after all the loyalty and the taken care of him he feels he owes it to me to show him that things can be better. I’ve been making improvements with myself by getting rid of my negativity I had during the last few years. He leaves for work and gives me a kiss goodbye, when he leaves to go be with her he kisses me goodbye. She doesn’t know that he tells me we are working on our marriage or that we are still having sex. (I know this because I have overheard their conversations). I’m at a lost. We talked yesterday and that’s the last I want to talk about it because everything has been laid out to what he would like different in our marriage; my negativity, judgement of him, interupting him when we argue, not talking thru our problems, basically communicating better. He says he gets that with the OW. He says he won’t let her go unless he sees that our marriage can be different, but how can we work on the marriage with a 3rd party involved? How can he truly see the positive changes I’ve made when he’s still seeing her? Is he just stringing me along? I do believe some of this is a revenge affair also, it sounds a lot like it from the break free book. I’m lost in his words because his actions don’t follow. Our only real problem was communucation. So, I don’t know what to do now. He’s said he sees progression in me and he has never blamed me for the affair and has expressed remorse to it all. Is he being real with me? Or trying to make it easier for him to leave the marriage by saying, see I told you, we tried it hasn’t worked? Why does he say ‘I don’t want to be a divorce man, but I feel its heading that way, but I feel I need to give you a chance to show me there’s a chance?’ It sounds like he’s confused. But would do I do now?

      • Doug

        Toni, On one hand it seems that your husband is making an attempt at saving your marriage, but I can’t help but feel that it’s a half-ass attempt at best. He’s playing a game pitting you against the other woman, and it’s a game that you will have a hard time winning. The OW is probably providing him with the things that you cannot or did not, which is a tough obstacle for you to overcome, especially while he is still seeing her. I know this probably sounds like a broken record, but to be fair to you, he must end contact with the OW. How else can he truly work on your marriage? It’s tough to say what his intentions are, but it sounds like he wants to make your marriage work, but he’s going about it in the wrong way. (IMO)

      • RoseBing

        It’s called having his cake and eating it, too.

      • Jana H

        He is basically asking you to “prove” yourself…insisting that you convince him that you are worthy of him and his efforts to stay in the relationship. Having had this happen to me, he is benefitting from having the comforts of his own home and a woman who will do anything to please and take care of him (and even meet his sexual needs) – while having some fantasy girlfriend on the side. How convenient.
        The fact that he would be so brazen as to bring her around your friends is unconscionable.
        He is exhibiting zero respect for you and a level of selfishness that reeks of narcissism. There is no doubt that he is thoroughly enjoying being in control of both of you women.
        I would tell him to leave. Immediately. Start living your life and create the joy and happiness you deserve.

    • Toni

      I told him that it’s an half ass attempt. That I can’t compete with her because she’s new/fun. And his response was he doesn’t want to leave a relationship that makes him feel good and come back to our marriage just to have it fall right back to it’s old habits. Basically, he wants to keep her around till he knows for sure about us. He tells me he’ll leave her the minute he sees it he’ll leave her. And when he says that I hear he doesn’t really love her like he says he does if he could do that and that gives me hope. But your right it is a half ass attempt on his part. I told him he has to keep an open mind and open his eyes to the changes I’ve made and continue to make. I tell myself that as long as he’s still here I still have a chance. We talked about taking the no texts/calls from her when he’s home with me. And he said he’s already sabotaging the relationship with us having sex and him trying to work on the marriage and he doesn’t want to sabotage it more. Since that conversation he has been more concious about the texting/talking to her in front of me and it has become less that he’s answering her texts. (I can hear the phone buzzing and usually he finds a way to answer) again I look at that s hope. How long does an EA last? I feel like he’s going to make a decision soon because I don’t think he’ll be able to keep doing this to himself. I see the guilt and the fact everybody around us tells him he’s a dirtbag for doing this to me weighing on him. And it should. I don’t feel bad for him one bit with that. But maybe I’m wrong. I try not to think about it and I’ve taken steps to fill my day with productivity that I hadn’t done before and he sees all of it and has told me numerous times. But I still can’t stop thinking about it. It consumes me even though I’m busy doing anything. The hurt is just so terrible.

      • Doug

        Toni, That is not fair to you for him to “keep her around” until he knows for sure about you. But you’re right, it does indicate that perhaps he doesn’t feel that the relationship with the OW is going anywhere. He can’t have his cake and eat it too, as the saying goes. I hear the things that you’re doing to save your marriage, but what is he doing?

      • Jenna

        Hi Toni – I was reading your post – and am very curious what happened? I hope you found your happiness!!

    • Toni

      That’s where my biggest dilemma is at. What is he doing? One date night? The few times a week he’s here with me? Sometimes I feel like he’s just saying these things until he thinks I’ve made a mistake or until he feels he can actually move on but then all our friends who take in depth with me tell me he really wants to be with me but has gotten so deep with her he doesn’t know how to get out of the situation. He sounds confused and conflicted but I know that’s no excuse. He comes home and acts like he just wasn’t with her. And it throws me for a loop. I feel so lost and not know what to do. I don’t want to file for divorce because I hope he’ll make a decision soon and if he wants one he should file.

      • Kathy


        You may want to read “Should I Stay or Should I Go” by Lee Raffel. She talks about a “controlled separation” to provide a structure to get to resolution on whether both partners are wiling to recommit to the marriage. I didn’t need to try it because my husband has ended his affair and recommitted to me, but had that not been the case I think I would have leaned towards a controlled separation. My thoughts are with you!

      • MadAsHell

        Why are you allowing him to treat you like an option? My husband had an EA with a married woman that lives in another country and from the get-go she told him that she didn’t have anything to offer him and that she wouldn’t leave her husband for him and still he fell head over heels for her….she is 17 years younger than him with three young children and she introduced her kids to him over the phone!!! Once I confronted him and he came clean it was WAR because I was NOT going to just curl up and die and meekly hand over my husband of 28 years to a sweet-talking whore… all started on Facebook and she blocked me, but I still found ways to stalk her and find out who her husband was and I contacted him and gave him the heads up about what his wife was doing behind his back while he was out of town a couple of days a week for work….he denounced her to all of her family and exposed her for the cheating, lying whore she is….I don’t even know that I want to keep my husband after all the deceit and lies he kept up just so he could keep talking to her, but I DO know, that even if I don’t keep him, I’m not handing him over to HER either….

    • Artii

      I don’t agree with the stuff about the OW/M only meeting 2 or 3 of the CS needs. That’s because it is an affair! Nothing to say that if they were involved in a relationship (as opposed to an affair) both parties couldn’t have all needs met. Sometimes relationships end, sometimes relationships overlap, it’s not ideal, but it happens. Personally, if I was the victim of the affair, I’d rather the relationship ended and I could move on with my life rather than working out % chances of your marriage working out/him running off with the woman he’s having the affair with.

      • Doug

        artii, I guess if it were that easy we would have all walked away. Unfortunately we have children, pasts, futures and everything that goes with being with someone for almost 30 years involves. Some days I believe it would have been easier to end it but then I would have always wondered “what if we could have worked this out. Linda

      • Dave

        I recently learned of a concept called “the 20% Rule”. The affair partner (AP) meets the 20% of the wandering spouse’s (WS) “needs” that the betrayed spouse does not meet. The theory is that the AP also would not meet more than 80% of the WS’s needs.

        A day or two after I heard this theory, my wife spontaneously mentioned that her AP doesn’t meet all her needs and wants, and that those needs he doesn’t meet, I do. She said that this is one of the reasons that she is so uncertain about who and what she wants, one of the reasons why she can’t make up her mind to actually leave me for him, even though she’s said many times that she just wants “to be with him”.

    • Roger

      Artii, I used to be like you. Think like you…”if my spouse was unfaithful to me, I’d just leave her because I’m not going to waste my time with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.” I confused this train of thought with confidence. Meaning, I thought I thinking like this made me a confident man. When, in fact, the inverse was actually true. However, when the s*it his the fan, I realized that I did not want to leave my wife. I was not going to throw 9 years away over one very poor, hurtful decision. I believed that with hard work and devotion we could rebuild our relationship and marriage. Maybe this makes me weak, I don’t know. I guess my point is this, you never really know how you are going to react until the bullets start flying. I found that my false bravado was just that, false.

      • David

        Realizing that you’re spouse and marriage is so important is not weakness. It shows what really matters to you, and what you will choose to be strong for, to fight for.

    • PTY

      Artii: If the lovers were capable of meeting more needs, the failure rate of affairs wouldn’t be so high.

      “It’s easier to be a lover than a spouse, for the same reason that it’s more difficult to be witty every day than now & then. ” Balzac

    • BethD

      Reading all these comments has my head spinning yet makes me feel a little better about me ending my emotional affair. I was involved in an affair for 12 years. The double life eventually took it’s toll on us and we broke up. We were really in love but neither of us would leave. I could never hurt my husband and go off into the sunset with my lover. He claims he could but what does it matter. We would be devastating two families and i couldn’t do it. I finally made the decision to be without him. We talk here and there as friends but I will not go back to it. Problem is I think about him constantly and the pain of being without him remains and it is almost two years. Even though things are good with my husband there is this emptiness that is haunting. Will this pain ever go away?

      • Doug

        BethD, Thanks for sharing. Wow! 12 years. In my opinion, it would be very difficult to get over the pain as long as you are still maintaining contact. I don’t see how you can just be friends after a 12 year affair. Though my affair was no where near that long, I think your constant thoughts of the OP will go away eventually if you cut contact and put all your efforts, both physically and emotionally into your marriage.

        • Beth D

          I know you are right Doug. I have tried the no contact thing. It worked for a little while but then when he started to contact me again it hurt me to hurt him. I still love him and I know I always will. That is a given. I could write the book on affairs and I do know that no contact is best (on paper anyway). At a certain point I was expending more time and energy maintaining no contact so I had to let it go. I try not to talk often. The hardest thing I am fighting is the fact that I feel I was happier when he was in my life as my boyfriend. Crazy huh?

          • Holdingon

            I don’t think I would want a wife that loves someone else, I think your husband would be better off without you, but that’s just my opinion, it means nothing. If I ever found out my wife felt that way I would be extremely mad at her for stealing my life when you didn’t even want it.

            • Southern Man

              I faced the same situation of my wife falling in love with another man, it was a #4 EA affair but she and her lover had already decided that she would stay married to me. I thought ‘now isn’t that sweet’ (sorry, had to be sarcastic). I offered to haul her over to be with him but she didn’t like that idea at all. So I laid the law down as to what I was going to do: stop all intimacy, move out and not come back, but I continued to support her financially out of a sense of duty. I never came back to her for several years while she waited for me to settle down and come back. I even tried to get her to nail another man after she found out her OM was a charlatan who led her on with phony declarations of love. But she would not make a move toward anyone else although she could have easily attracted a good man because she was and still is an unusually attractive woman. I asked her to move on toward a divorce but she would not. I wasn’t going to be the disloyal one who initiated a divorce. Our families never knew what was going on since we covered it by stating we were going to try separation for awhile in order to get our lives straightened out, also we had the job location excuse. Everybody accepted the explanation. When I finally knew for certain she was completely clean in her heart and mind and would declare that she was all in, then we moved back together. It really was a different and new marriage and in many ways, a much better marriage. My wife was a good woman who made a mistake, one mistake in a nearly 6 decade marriage. The beginning of all this was 40 years ago, we got back together after a 10 year separation where we saw each other intermittently whenever I was in town. We remained friendly but distant while being apart. Neither one of ever got involved with anyone else. Not the usual story but it worked and is still working for us. We have a great old timers marriage and no one yet knows what really happened. I didn’t want the kids to not honor their mother or anyone else to think less of my wife.

          • La Lena

            Crazy? I would say extremely selfish.
            Let your husband go so he can find somebody else, somebody who will love and cherish him.

      • Dave

        The prescribed solution is to sever all contact with the affair partner. As long as you maintain contact, the feelings would not have any chance of fading. That doesn’t mean that the feelings would go away entirely, but I believe it means that they would diminish.

        If you can cut out all contact with the AP, and all reminders of them, too, then perhaps you can develop those same kinds of feelings for your spouse.

        I have had a committed love for my wife since I was 15, which enable me to wait as the years it took to finally marry her. We’ve been married 20 years. I’ve fallen “in love” with her many times over the years, but even when those feelings rise and fall, the committed love has only increased. (In my younger years, I did have crushes on other girls, but there is only one that I’ve loved. True to my vows, I continue in “forsaking all others”.)

        • Only the lonely

          That’s what I did and she wanted me back after 9 weeks of NC.

    • Jeffrey Murrah

      Beth D. ,

      Leaving a relationship of 12 years will take some adjustment. Cutting out a person from your life after that long will take some time to get used to. The pain will fade over time.

      As you draw closer to your spouse, a renewed sense of intimacy will have a chance to grow and spread into those empty parts of your life and heart. Changes like that take time. It is always important to allow time to bring the changes we need into our lives.

      There may be some guilt for a while (the haunting aspect). That too will fade. Many people find that learning how to be more ‘genuine’ and in the moment helps with such situations. Another thing that helps some people is helping others.

      I am glad you worked up the courage to change.

      • Beth D

        Jeff, I know a 12 year affair is crazy but we were just too connected to let it go. I have to get the song “If loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right” out of my head. I wish getting closer to my spouse would do the trick but the crazy thing with me is my marriage was never bad. Love my husband to death but different kind of love. He never really had a clue and if he did he didn’t let on. My lover’s is the one who’s marriage was affected more. His wife caught on because I guess she got tired of living like brother and sister. I think she also got scared since the kids are 0lder and the last one home leaving the nest soon so she was afraid he would leave. I never blame her. She fought for her marriage but of course it was the beginning of the end for our affair. When I speak to him I can hear the misery in his voice. His marriage is worse than ever and maybe that is a good thing. Maybe by me being there he is not facing that it just isn’t working. When he had me I made his life and marriage tolerable. I don’t want to be part of the equation anymore and even remotely responsible for his marriage breaking up. If it breaks up now at least I know I have been out of the picture for two years and won’t have the guilt of breaking up a family. It is just so hard to let him go but I know it is for the best and the right thing to do morally. 🙁

      • Holdingon

        There is no change, she’s wearing a mask, she will have to hide her feelings the rest of her life.

      • Holdingon

        She’s wearing a mask, and if she’s ever genuine like you say, she will have to say I’m here but I really love someone else, and if she loves him still after 12 years, all she’s doing is stealing a life that she doesn’t want.

    • PTY

      Beth D:

      Dr. Frank Pittman refers to a “marital arrangement”, by which the affair becomes the way to avoid problems in the marriage, when the marriage may not be too bad, yet not too good. As you say, it allows someone to avoid either: (1) Trying to fix the marriage; or (2) move on. So by not going back into it, you are forcing a change in the status quo, for better or for worse. Maybe, just maybe, he can look deep inside himself and allow things to get better.

      • Beth D

        That is correct. I always felt that the affair masked what problems we both had in our marriages. For me it was intimacy issues since my husband has medical problems. Our love and affection was there however as well as a great friendship and partnership. It didn’t matter how much I loved my OM my devotion was and is to my husband. His marriage was cold and the only thing they seem to have in common is the children. I wish i could believe that he will look deep inside himself and allow things to get better in his marriage. Most likely he will try to replace me instead of working on his marriage. He states “when the pilot light is out…it is out” He won’t leave because he won’t risk losing the respect of his children and family. Truthfully I have lost respect for him for living this pretend marriage and not even trying to make it better. He claims I am his soul mate. Not sure I even believe in that. I do believe that there are certain people you have a unbelievable connection with and the fact that you can’t be together intensifies that connection. One thing I know is that when an affair breaks up it isn’t usually a normal break up. It isn’t something that dwindled down and the fire went out. Often it is yanked away from you when things are great and that is what makes it so hard to get over.

      • Beth D

        Tourist vs citizen. Very interesting concept. 🙂

    • PTY

      To steal a bit from Dr. Bill Doherty, the difference btw a marriage and an affair is the difference btw being a citizen and a tourist. A tourist sees the nice hotels, and the beautiful beaches, and leaves. The citizen sees the bugs, the weather during non tourist season, and some times the abject poverty away from the tourist areas. A tourist has fun, and goes back to thier (boring, stable) normal lives. A citizen has to deal with the mess.

      • Doug

        That is a great analogy. thanks linda

    • Alecia

      What a great article! I really appreciate your insight on this! My husband had multiple affairs and his last one got completely out of hand and the OW wanted him to leave us for her. And sadly he contemplated it. We now run a website, and discuss topics in marriage and infidelity. I have linked your sight quite a few times already. I really enjoy your articles. You have a lot to share!

      You hit the nail on the head with your ideas on why affairs don’t last, as well as the other comments so far. Particularly the comment regarding how even if the relationship lasts it has so much more going against it than relationships that don’t begin as affairs – sharing custody of children, financial stress of supporting two households, relational strain with extended family and your own children…It still baffles me that anyone would think all of that is worth the so-called “love” they think they feel for another person. Especially considering the statistics. Not only do only 5% of relationships that begin as affairs result in marriage but of those that do 75% of them end in divorce.

      Mainly because, this is my take on additional ideas, their “relationship” was based on fantasy not reality. They lived whatever they thought they had in a bubble. And when they begin to live real life together they realize that the other person wasn’t who they thought they were and the relationship they thought they had isn’t as exciting and thrilling as they thought it would be. As I told my husband when he was living in limbo “Please, go do this and see what happens. You haven’t worked on a budget together, changed poopy diapers together, had the flu together, decided who would do the dishes or take out the garbage. Go see how elicit your feelings are after you have to be REAL for a few weeks.”

      What many people don’t realize is that affairs actually have a lot of addictive properties to them. Many who have affairs actually end up becoming addicted. Not just to the sex or excitement but to the affair partner. When they decide to end the affair they literally go through withdrawl. Those feelings of depression and anxiety and constant agonizing thoughts about the other person lead your spouse to (wrongly) assuming that because it is so hard to end the affair and because it is so hard to stop thinking about them that they must be meant to be. Couldn’t be further from the truth.

      So thank you for putting the truth out there! Keep up the good work!

      • Doug

        Alecia, you know what I will never understand is why they become so addicted to their lovers, what makes their lovers so special or addicting compared to all the love and commitment shown by their spouses. Would they feel the same way toward their husbands and wives as they do toward their lovers? If they left their spouses would they feel as lost and hopeless as they do after they end their affairs? Linda

        • Beth D

          It is a known fact that addiction plays a huge role in affairs. I rationally knew if I left my husband for my OM it would be a huge mistake. I never seriously contemplated it. First of all I knew I could never live with myself if I did that to my husband and second I knew on a day to day basis my husband was a great partner. Yet I could not leave my lover. I tried so many times in the first three years. Then I just accepted I couldn’t do it and for the next 7 years sailed on living the double life. When I think back I was happy when I was with my OM but the time apart was horrible. I never felt at peace and although I like to believe I was a devoted wife to my husband I know at some level it had to affect my marriage. When we broke up for the final time I felt the worst pain of my life. It was akin to the death of my parents. I not only was sick for me I hurt for him and what pain he was going through. Withdrawal was the pits. I am still not over it and I fear it can start up again at a moments notice. It is a constant struggle in my life and it is the same for him. I pray alot.

          • Hannah

            If your H has made the decision to leave for the OW then let him go. It’s difficult to let go but do so, let him give himself up body and soul to this whore because after a time when the dust has settled that is precisely what he’s going to think of her. The newness will only last so long and when the problems of the first marriage start raising there ugly head it will all go pear shaped. The OW won him when he was feeling vulnerable and if he’s given a lot up for her she had better be worth it, which will take a lot of hard work on her part. It happened to me recently and he is constantly trying to make me jealous which makes me automatically think there is something not quite right. I don’t see or speak to him but his insecurities are played out by our son who is told weekly how wonderfully happy he is. The damage has been done and I told a friend I would rather die in my own filth then have him back, I don’t think for one second his pride would let him admit he’s played a blinder but he’s got that on his continuos for sure, till he dies. I, on the other hand don’t and for that I will be eternally grateful!

        • Beth D

          Yes they would. I know if I left my husband I would miss him terribly. He is a wonderful man who deserves the best in life. I honestly think I loved both my husband and my OM. Yes it was double dipping for sure. It was wrong morally etc etc etc Yet part of me will not regret having my OM in my life. It was the best of times…it was the worst of times. I think when you do meet someone else you connect with like that the friendship is just as hard as the sexual addiction to let go. Of course the sex part is even harder. It is forbidden, it is hot, it is crazy. It is something that is really hard to get in your marriage when you are with someone every day no matter how creative you are. I use to judge people who cheated and then it happened to me. Trust me you become so out of control it is like a drug you need to have. My life will never be the same and that is my punishment. I feel like I will love and care for my OM till the end but my decision is to devote myself to my husband. Noone however knows what the future holds.

          • Alecia

            I can see how you might feel that way. But can I just encourage you to keep working at your marriage? You are in control of your feelings and your thoughts. And it is an injustice to your marriage to hold on to thoughts and feelings of your OM. If you want your marriage and your heart to heal than you have to be willing to let that go. Your heart needs to belong 100% to your spouse. If not, than yes, I agree, you will continue to struggle and may even fall again. If you want your marriage to not just survive but thrive you have to get them out of your heart. It is possible.

          • Holdingon

            When your married and you meet someone that makes you feel that way you should get away fast. That’s called love, you have to choose your spouse everyday.

            • Strengthrequired

              holdingon, I wish my ch thought the way you do, maybe then he wouldn’t have cheated.. Sorry your wife didn’t feel the same way too.

        • Alecia

          You know, I think this site has actually answered that question quite well in another post. I can’t remember which one…but basically they stated that the affair partner is meeting a need of theres, typically a need that is at the top of their list. Ironically, when/if affair partners leave their marriages to be together what one or both of them ends up realizing is that their affair partner isn’t everything they “fantasized” them as being. They were actually only meeting one or two of their needs. The spouse was meeting the rest. What we have to do as the scorned spouses is learn how to meet all of our spouses needs. In my case, my husbands primary love language is “words of affirmation” but I was constantly nagging and cutting him down. It was the nature of our relationship at the time. Yes he was being incredibly selfish in his behavior but I needed to approach it differently. My love language is not words of affirmation so it is something that I have to be deliberate about or I end up not meeting my husbands needs. He would go to work and interact with these women who would throw complements and flirations his way that skyrocketed his feeling of affirmation. There was such a gap between what I was giving and what the OW was giving that an affair was a definite possibility that eventually became a reality.

          • Beth D

            Believe it or not your actions probably didn’t contribute to the affair as much as you think. Sometimes it just happens and some people like excitement in their life. I am probably one of them. Drama always seemed to find me. Your husband may be that type. You sound wonderful and i admire you talking this out with your husband. My biggest problem with my OM spouse was that until recently she never mentioned what was going on with them. She just played her pretend marriage out and appeared to be content. My OM use to put her on speaker phone so I can hear the conversation. It was so cold between them I could feel the chill. Almost like they were on remote control. Never understood that. I have a great friendship with my husband. I am glad for you that things seem to back on track with you and your spouse. I wish you the best. As for me I am contemplating going back to no contact. I think I am getting to the point that talking to him even as friends is keeping me from moving on.

            • mahalia

              Beth I’m reading this a great deal of interest, because my husband is in a long-term affair. I’m trying to understand both him and the OW better. What I *don’t* understand is why/how you think highly of a man who would expose his wife that way to you. Putting their conversations on speaker phone for you to listen to? That is incredibly disrespectful. My husband’s OW has done much the same thing, telling stories about her own husband and highly personal details about their marriage–including things the poor guy said in therapy. That, as much as anything, made me question why I was with my husband. How can he be attracted to someone who could be that much of a backstabber? Isn’t he worried it could happen to him? Didn’t he lose respect her for her at all? How is someone like that even appealing?

              I don’t understand the dynamic of some of this. I don’t care how nice someone is to me, if they are unkind to someone else it’s a big turn-off. You deserver better, but there is no question–none at all–that his wife deserves better still. No one, no matter how ‘cold’ they are, should ever be treated that way.

      • Beth D

        Wow you really hit home with me when you said “you start feeling it was meant to be” You go back and forth from love vs addiction. It is a constant struggle for me to try to separate the reality from the fantasy. Yes our times were great and fun times as opposed to real life things. I did however, have some awful break ups and of course challenges in the course of all those years with my lover. Sometimes I think we went through more turmoil and angst with each other than our spouses. You know each others children, fears, fantasys, friends. You start to confide in your lover much more than your spouse which is not a good thing. Things you would never tell your spouse you tell your lover. You might even do things sexually with your lover you wouldn’t dare with your spouse. It is a complicated relationship. It takes a life of it’s own even though you promise each other it will not affect your marriages. You convince yourself that this is enhancing your life and filling it with everything missing in your marriage. I have no illusion that my life would be better if I leave my husband and marry my OM. I just miss him so badly that I wonder if it will ever go away. I do know I need peace in my life and can’t continue this forever. And yes I know I am addicted to him yet I feel like I am madly in love. Is there a fine line between addiction and love?

        • Doug

          Beth D, I have been waiting to respond to your comments because honestly I am blown away by the length and intensity of your affair and I really don’t know where to begin. One thing I have to say, and I am sure that you are fully aware of this, but I feel for a majority of your married life you have been married to two men. You have your husband who provided companionship, trust, and the security that you feel living with someone on a day to day basis. Your lover provided the excitement, stimulating conversation, intimacy etc. I can truly understand how difficult it would be to let that go. You have become so accustomed to your lover fulfilling some of your needs while your spouse fulfills the others, that there would definitely be a void in the relationship with your husband. Especially if he doesn’t know about your affair and you have not had honest conversations about what you received from the affair and how he can fill those needs.

          I can understand how close you felt to your lover, but I need to ask a question. You said that you knew each others children, friends, fantasies etc. Did you know them personally or were you only receiving a perception of them through your lover? I also have heard how easy it is to tell your lover things, why do you think that was? Why is it sometimes so difficult to be honest with our spouses? I also wonder would your lover be so appealing if your husband were completely out of your life? Would he be able to provide everything you received from being involved in two relationships? Most people involved in an affair are receiving the best of both worlds, even though their marriages are not perfect they are receiving some benefit being in them or they would have left years ago. They also have this other person who they can be free, exciting and fun with.

          I applaud your willingness to recommit to your marriage. I hope with time you will be able to establish an intimate relationship with your husband. As you said he is a wonderful man and deserves a wife who loves him. I just wonder if you will be able to give him everything he needs without being completely honest with him about your feelings. Are you seeing anyone to help you sort through all of this? This would be very difficult to handle alone. Linda

          • Beth D

            You have a pretty firm grasp on my situation! Believe it or not I know of alot of affairs that have lasted this long. Even longer. I know at least two where the affair went on over 20 years. One eventually left spouse and married lover and the other broke up. After the first few years I did have two husbands basically and I was pretty much devoted to both of them. When you are involved in affair this long there is a certain responsibility that goes along with it. My OM was younger, wealthier, and treated me very well at times. That was the fantasy part. The expensive gifts, vacations and spa dates. Those came later though so I can’t say they were the initial attraction. I had amazing sexual chemistry with my lover. Nothing can explain the chemistry we had and it was there from the get go. We also had alot in common. We both were into our children which my husband is not a real “kids” kind of guy. Both of us coached our children in sports, both of us presidents of our own company, both of us middle children in big families, Italian Catholic school kids , same major in college. We knew each others children mainly by what we communicated but we both did meet each others children once and we both watched each others kids in sports. My husband is a very caring person and I think more adoring of me than my lover was. My lover tended to be more self absorbed . He was able to put me in a compartment when he needed to (most likely when the heat was on) and that was devastating to me. It really did become his undoing at the end and was the wake up call I needed. I do want to grow old with my hub and I appreciate how he is always there for me. I couldn’t ask for a better husband. I know I could never abandon him. It is so complicated but you are right they both fill different needs. I talked to a counselor. She feels both my lover and I have more in common with each other than we do with our spouses. She isn’t sure giving him up is the right thing to do since I was generally happier with him in my life. Shocking advice since she is Catholic. Stopped seeing her! Basically my friends and sisters have been a big support system for me. They kn0w both of them and believe it or not have an attachment to both as well. Their main worry always was that I would get caught and ruin my marriage so they are glad this has ended. They do understand my angst in making this decision but I think I hide from them the fact that even though it is two years later I am still in turmoil. It is embarrassing to admit that to anyone. I feel like an obsession case. I’m sure it is not helping that I take his calls here and there. I also have to hear from him how his marriage is worse than ever with me out of the picture. None of it helps! If I could just conquer the no contact thing!!

            • Jennet

              I hope your husband is having an affair because you are such h a selfish lying bitch it’s what you deserves. Then you wouldn’t sound so high and mighty. Just who do you think you are?? Wonder woman

            • Don't Put Up With It

              I realize this is a very old post but it’s not the individual case I really wanted to respond to. A woman named Jennet made a truly wonderful comment that I can’t reply to it directly which is unfortunate because is a model of honesty, directness and true, open feeling and I agree with every single word.

              What I get from Beth’s comments are that she thinks the world should revolve around her & her dramas. Oh the drama. She can keep her poor husband in thrall while holding on to the creep she’s involved with. What a wonderful example of having your cake & eating it too. But she can’t stop this because it’s the greatest love the world has known, ya know. It doesn’t matter that her husband hasn’t had a full time, involved wife for over a DECADE at that point, the hell with him, he doesn’t matter. He’s probably just the chump who pays the bills. But oh, that wonderful caring lover with the MEANIE WIFE…that awful woman who is so cold and distant. I wonder if the fact that he has been CHEATING WITH BETH FOR 12 YEARS has anything to do with her attitude and lack of affection for her POS spouse. Hmmmm. And of course, why should Beth actually GROW UP AND MAKE A CHOICE IN LIFE instead of just having both men because….that’s when she was “happiest” in life. And isn’t that the MOST IMPORTANT THING – that BETH was happy. YAY BETH. She won’t even stop talking to the lover because well…..hubby is such a great guy & he’s put up with this so long and ya know he’s a great guy but the other guy is so much hotter and more interesting and his marriage sucks and I need to be there for him and hubby can take care of himself.

              DISGUSTING. This is why we need to be honest with our feelings and in talking DIRECTLY AND BLUNTLY to people like Beth because they NEED TO HEAR THAT. WE NEED TO EXPRESS ANGER BECAUSE IT IS DESERVED AND EARNED. Too often they hear BS about forgiveness or being kind or explaining the cheating or the feelings when what it always comes down to from the first day of an affair to the last , is that it is a CHOICE to have the affair, it is a CHOICE to stay in it. Every time you lie, deceive, make dates, have sex, talk intimately, share secrets, make plans & decisions…..IS A DELIBERATE CHOICE YOU MAKE AS A PERSON. And those choices define who and what you are.

              Not a nice person, Beth. You were wrecking two marriages and 2 people’s lives – your husband the other wife’s, as well as probably the children involved, and you just want to keep eating that cake.
              I hope your husband kicked you so far to the curb you are still spinning in orbit. I have NO sympathy for you at all. 12 years screwing around with some fool and deceiving your husband and wrecking another woman’s marriage – WHOM YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO JUDGE!!!! That is disgraceful. I hope you figured it out over the past 13 years.

            • Don't Put Up With It

              Again, I realize this is a very old post I am responding to – not sure where to put this comment so I’ll stick it here.

              When you cheat on a spouse, you are not only cheating physically with sex, or psychologically with lies & gaslighting, or spiritually with their love & soul….you are CHEATING THEM OF THEIR LIVES. You show them a fake version of yourself & your marriage that is an illusion to the CHEATED SPOUSE AS WELL…..until they find out……and then they can possibly deal with reality or with MORE LIES &GASLIGHTING you give them. You are stealing away the life that he or she MIGHT HAVE HAD if you had not been involved with them at all, if you had not removed your energy and your love and your attention and your romance and your physical love from them . They might have married someone MUCH BETTER THAN YOU or much different at least, and been happier and more fulfilled instead of having the misery you give them that you are always trying to justify. They might have had a different future in their jobs, in the hobbies, in their friends, in their travels, in their finances, if you had not been there LYING TO THEM and cheating them of their FUTURE.

              Because your cheating doesn’t just involve the current relationship or even the past. You’ve stolen the potential for the future, for what might have been if you had not acted like this. If you had been able to make the CHOICE to be a good spouse or to discuss the lacks or problems in your marriage, or to get a divorce if none of that would have worked. BUT INSTEAD YOU CREATED A LIFE RAFT FOR YOURSELF THAT YOUR SPOUSE WAS NOT ALLOWED IN and he or she had to flail around trying to swim in a sea of despair.

              You steal the future, you steal potential. Cheating is WORSE than we say it is. Maybe people can overcome this in the marriages, I doubt it, but if you can the first step is absolute honest and absolute committment. If you can’t do that, then GET OUT OF IT.

        • Alecia

          There is no fine line. Love is selfless, addiction is not. Love is about others, addiction is about getting what you want for yourself. When you get emeshed in an affair it is incredibly hard to see the line and recognize the difference. I can imagine that what you are going through is agonizing. It reminds me of what a friend said once when encouraging others to not have affairs or even go down the road towards them. She said, “visualize the destruction.” Not just for you, but for your marriage, your family, your children, the OM’s family and marriage, his relationship w/ his children, your job, your reputation, your legacy…those are all excellent reasons to keep telling yourself the truth about your situation and working on healing your heart.

          • Beth D

            Alecia I just recently had to give that advice to a friend. I told her it may feel like the most exciting thing happening in your life but please don’t do this. It will be out of your control very quickly. It is the most dangerous game you will ever play. Interesting how you mentioned the OM wife. She became my enemy. I started to hate her and I am not that type of person. She was trying to gain control over him at the end and it worked. My rational side admires her for fighting. She did the right thing which was to let my OM know she wasn’t playing games anymore. She would kick his butt out, would go after his business and financially he would be in a much different position. Good move. But of course i hated her for it as wrong as that is. Your emotions take over in an affair and all rational thinking goes out the window. I know now that she must have gone through hell with him and I do feel bad. Truthfully I don’t understand staying under those conditions. I truly hope he tries with her and leaves me alone. Living this life with a spouse that is devoid of love had to be awful for her. I did not have that with my husband. We get along and he had no clue. It is crazy but I have a good marriage. I think my OM was jealous of the fact that I truly adore my husband even though he knew my passion was for him. It also crushed his future dreams of wanting to be with me eventually. I made no bones about the fact that I was never leaving no matter what. It makes me strong to hear the other side of the coin and the damage it caused for you. I am sorry you had to go through this. Beth

        • Alecia

          You know what I told my husband when we were going through this? “Any two people can be happy together. Its a choice. You might feel like you have something special with her but believe me you don’t. Eventually reality will set in and you’ll realize that your relationship is just like all the other relationships you’ve had in your life.” The idea that we have a “soul mate” out there, to us, is a crock. Soul mates are created. Over time. They are also someone you have a deep connection with on all levels: body, mind and spirit. Even if you don’t feel like your spouse is your soul mate right now, you can still work at creating an environment in which you both become each others soul mates.

        • Holdingon

          A fine line between addiction and love. Yes, it’s called married or divorced.

          • Bryguy

            I’m in a very similar situation. Caught my wife texting an old friend that in the beginning she told me about and I was ok with because she knows I trust deeply. Then she started to hide it and I caught her. A month later on our anniversary she out of the blue told me I never have to be paranoid about him ever again. Six weeks ago, I cought her in a lie about who she was texting. She tried to say it was our sun and when she knew the gig was up. She told me she loves him and me both the same.WTF? How I said? She had two kids prior to us which was a very emotionally and physically abusive. He beat her in front of her own kids and cheated on her three times. She finally left him for good with the support of her close friends. I met her at the age of 22and dropped my youth to be there for her amd her beautiful children. Swore from day one knowing what she has been through that I would never dishonor and make her look as fool. Now she did that to her self. I have been an amazing husband and father she says, but she has a lot of shit going on in her head. I have spent the last six weeks remindingnher of how she is my whole world which is weird because she knows it very much already. Just take it one day a t a time but now she has told our son. don’t know what she was trying to prove but anyways now he and our daughter disown her and constantly reiterate how I am there dad and how I was always there for them….makes me cry just thinking about it. So now I give her time and space to figure out my future and the future of our family. She even said when drunk one night a few days ago that she wants her cake and eat it too. I told her I will never be second to no one and that I love her still the same bit I can’t keep feeling this way. No sex, no nothing. But yet she says she loves me the same as ever. She shows more love to the cats then me. Knowing I did everything right…..what the hell can I do now. Our oldest kids are demanding she cuts the contact immediately. Or there moving out. Don’t know what to do. Planing on leaving for a week to show her life with out me around. Hope it wakes her up to see what she has. I know sometimes people need to loose in order to see what they have in front of them. Pray it works!!!! Heart broke.

      • sara

        I have really enjoyed everyones comments. It has made me
        view my situation very differently.

    • PTY

      Beth D: Don’t sell your husband (or yourself) short. You seem to love your husband, but don’t have a lot of passion. You may want to think through why. Were you passionate with the other man because of who he was, or you who you were with him? We sometimes get so caught up in our “roles” as parent, spouse, etc, we can box our spouses in. Maybe you need to look at your husband as your “boy toy” once in a while. Sort of silly, I know, but sometimes our expectations drive our results. Just something to think about.

      • Beth D

        My OM is 20 years younger than my husband. My hub 10 yrs older, my OM 10 years younger. Hate to admit it but besides the newness factor, physical attraction plays a role in the passion area. We are talking about 6 pac abs here vs slight pop belly. Sounds shallow but it is what it is. My husband though looks good for his age and certainly not in bad shape but physically hard to compete with a man 20 years younger. He shouldn’t have to. He is a better man and I know this in my heart. Passion isn’t everything although it is certainly was a compelling force in my choice to stray. I just need to accept that I need to give that up to maintain my sanity.

    • Beth D

      Beth I’m reading this a great deal of interest, because my husband is in a long-term affair. I’m trying to understand both him and the OW better. What I *don’t* understand is why/how you think highly of a man who would expose his wife that way to you. Putting their conversations on speaker phone for you to listen to? That is incredibly disrespectful. My husband’s OW has done much the same thing, telling stories about her own husband and highly personal details about their marriage–including things the poor guy said in therapy. That, as much as anything, made me question why I was with my husband. How can he be attracted to someone who could be that much of a backstabber? Isn’t he worried it could happen to him? Didn’t he lose respect her for her at all? How is someone like that even appealing?
      I don’t understand the dynamic of some of this. I don’t care how nice someone is to me, if they are unkind to someone else it’s a big turn-off. You deserver better, but there is no question–none at all–that his wife deserves better still. No one, no matter how ‘cold’ they are, should ever be treated that way.

      I think he was kind to her. There just was nothing between them. In retrospect I think he was trying to justify his cheating to me. Mine was due to medical problems with my husband that took our sex life away. So he wanted me to know he was in a cold marriage. Do I think that is her fault? No and the longer I am away from him the more I think he was a big contributor as well. I think one of the things that bonds you is complaining about your spouses. It is a weird thing. Maybe we were both trying to justify a wrong thing. It just felt so good and it hurt so much every time we tried to walk away. This time I am doing well and no contact was the way to go. No friendship, nothing. I put a stop to it all and I am doing well. 🙂

    • c

      My husband cheated with his coworker who is also married but with children. I have read all your responses and I can say I was shocked that some were suggesting the wife is partly to blame because there were problems in the marriage. EVERY marriage have problems, it is up to both to make sure they make it work. Cheaters didn’t do it just because they were unhappy, they cheat because they wanted to and feel entitle to a little something on the side. I am divorcing my husband and he was shocked, it never occurred to him I would walk away. Ever since he’s been following me around like a dog. The fact I refuse to let him get away with his error made him respect me. The truth is his relationship with the OW won’t last, she won’t leave her husband and kids and he will find himself alone at 40. When reality sets in and they no longer have the excitement of secrecy, she will see his flaws (since the cheater always rationalize their behavior by blaming the wife) because he won’t be on best behavior anymore and leave him. The best chance for the wife to keep the husband is to kick him out of the house and make him realize what he gave up for the OW. That will drive a wedge in their relationship because he will always look at her and think he lost a good woman because of her. Ladies, hold your head up high, act with dignity and make him realize YOU ARE the better woman. In my case I don’t want my husband back but if you do, this is how you get him back.

    • K

      I found out last month that my H was having an affair. He is 36, she is 25. Aug 23 I had a Terrible nightmare that my H was cheating on me. I went into his email and found proof that he WAS. Strange, according to him that night was the first time they had sex. He met her Aug, 17, slept with her Aug, 23, them moved in with her a few days later. I should mention that he started a new job Aug, 1 3 hours away. So he was staying with a friend during the week, and driving home on the weekends. Yes, the marriage was in bad shape. I just didn’t think that this would ever happen. The weekend after I found out we spoke about the situation. He told me that he didn’t think he loved me anymore. That he and this girl were perfect for each other “two sides of the same coin” they communicated the same way, and that he fell in love with her in two days! Weeks later he now says, that he is not sure of his feelings for her anymore, that he is still in love with me. That he has always loved me, and that he needs time to make the new me a reality in his mind. That the old memories of him and I are still too strong. That he needs to be sure what path will bring him true happiness. He’s 90% sure he will come back to us, but he needs time to decide. He doesn’t know how much time however. He is having sex with both of us. We have amazing sex now. Even though the pain of knowing he is with someone else during the week is most painful for me. I’m trying to do the very best I can to not think about her, and just enjoy the little time we have together as husband and wife, as a family. It does not benefit either of us to discuss that situation right now. I tried, he became short, and irritated. So I dropped it, and haven’t brought it up since. He has said in the past that he does not sleep well while he is there, but does while he is here. I’m not sure what that means? I am willing to suffer through this for as long as I can. I’ve made some very posative changes recently. They will either benefit my marriage, or benefit my new life without him. At this point? I honestly don’t know what is going to happen. It’s all still very new, and I am trying to be as rational as I can about it all. We have three children under the age of 8, and a TON of debt. He has admitted that he has not thought through what would really happen if we got a divorce. All I know is that I love him, I love our children, and I want our marriage to survive this, but I can’t do this forever.

    • Jennie

      This has been very helpful for me. I have been married for only 4 years. In those 4 i have had 2 children. I discovered my H was having an affair when i was 2 months pregnant with my second. I confronted him and he denied it. A month later he left me for 5 terrible weeks. Then came back to work on the relationship. He still would not come clean about his affair so we could not work on our relationship. To top it off, I started going into preterm labor and was put on bed rest for the last 4 months of my pregnancy. Very sad and stressful times.
      I was always in fear that he would leave when i had the baby.
      He left me when the baby was 10 weeks old. Still not telling me about the affair. He has been moved out for 6 months now and everything has come out.
      He met another married woman at work with 2 children of her own, he is in love with her and is not coming back. Now she has left her family to be with him.
      Understanding the dynamics of what their relationship is built on has helped.
      I truly want him to come back, but i feel like i just need to give up and not speak to him.
      I can tell he is still trying to maintain a “friendship?” with me but it is so painful i dont think i can.
      I have been exercising and i am in even better shape then when we first met. I am thinking of going back to school. My kids are the center of my universe. Ive been going to therapy to work on the issues i have that contributed to the breakdown of my marriage since he left 6 months ago.
      Where do i go from here with him?
      I am not sure if i should give up and just let the cookie crumble as it should. I feel like eventually we would have some major flirtation going on but should i feed into that?

    • Laura

      My husband is having an affair with another woman. I found out 3 wks ago because he had been acting suspicious. So I asked him. And he admitted to meeting the other woman at a club. He loves to dance. I was stupid enough to let him go have fun by himself. I trusted him 100%. Our marriage was in trouble before the affair. He says he tried so many times to fix the marriage. I know he did. And I didnt do anything about it. Its too late now for me to fix anything. I admit my faults, but it takes two people for a marriage to make it work or not work. Isnt that right?Even though I know I am responsible for not working on my marriage when I needed to. I am deeply hurt by his actions. He has always been a great husband and father.But since he left my daughter and I. Hes a completely different person. He hurts me every chance he gets. He says he doesnt love me, he doesnt want to hurt me. Hes hardly sees his daughter anymore. His mind and body are in another place. He has lost touch with reality. Just like some people said on their comments. Hes acting like a teenager. Its ridiculous. I realize hes not worth fighting for. I hurts my heart that someone you love can hurt you so much. I know I have to get on with my life, but is is so hard and painful when I see my 2 yr old baby suffering as well. Because she hardly sees her dad anymore. He is so selfish now. I want to be strong for me .I know that if I am okay my daughter will be too. I know I have to hurt before I can get better. ANYADVICE??

    • Jules

      We have been married 24 years, together 27 years and have 3 sons who are 18 and up. My husband began acting very distant 1 1/2 years ago and even though I asked what was up, he always said “nothing”. On a trip over a year ago he told me “I love you but I am not in love with you”. I asked what he meant and he just cried and when I would ask again, he would say, oh it was nothing. Yet he continued to pull away from me and our boys. We went to Hawaii a year ago and I could feel his distance however we were intimate every day and night. Came home and again felt the distance. Dec. 2010 someone from our gym told me to watch out for Ji- – , she looks like she is after your husband. I confronted him and he flat out denied it. Fast forward to May 2011 and he confessed after I just had it one day and was really upset. The shock, hurt, anger was and is something I had never experienced. This all happened in the midst of our middle sons college graduation, our youngest sons high school graduation and our older son flying in with his girlfriend (who is now his fiance) so we could meet her. During all this I had to pretend when my life was in turmoil. I had to endure his comments about our horrible marriage, everything I did wrong, how she taught him what a real relationship was like (she is married too with 3 children), blah, blah, blah. We separated in June and 3 1/2 weeks later he asked to move home to work on our marriage. Well caught him in more lies, they continued seeing each other, I finally found out who it was with after I located their secret pay as you go phone.
      Yep it was Ji – – from our gym, made me sick. They ended it several times only to have one of them start it up again. They were not seeing each other or having sex but managed to have short conversations at the gym, she even sent messages via other gym members to my husband.

      So in Sept,. things started to turn around for us, we became intimate again, started doing more but he still refused to go the couples therapy or individual therapy. He would have sullen moments and pull away and then try to pull me back in. It does and feels like I am on a roller coaster. He finally began therapy in late October and we have gone downhill from there. He actually told me he is undecided, to him she is perfect and I have flaws that I brought to the marriage. Yet when I offered him out of our marriage he did not want that. He is conflicted and confused and can be downright verbally cruel to me at times. I have shut down and pulled away. I am back in individual therapy and am beginning a 12 week on line Harboring Hope program. I have developed terrible anxiety and am now taking Ativan and started SamE, a natural antidepressant. I have lost 24 pounds and discovered working out, which I do 5 days a week. It is horrible as we all belong to the same gym and every once in a while I see her. I did call her husband and told him what I knew in Sept., he does not want to talk to me or have any contact. In Sept. according to my husband she once again reached out to him asking him to commit to her in the future, her twins graduate from high school in June 2012 and she is staying in her marriage until then. I could not believe he was telling me this.

      My husband is full of self pity and acts depressed and unhappy. Of course that is my fault. I have been told to hang on, he just began therapy and it is going to be painful and rough. Horribly I found a list of me compared to her this therapist helped with, I don’t rate and he actually lied about me. He said I don’t like to do anything, I am depressed, boring in bed, etc…. He is the one who has battled depression and I was always the one to make all our social plans, he never has and our sex life when we had it was great!

      I am trying so hard to hold on but I am very lonely. I have great friends and family who are so supportive. But I am so ready to be off this roller coaster. I don’t talk to him now other than family stuff, finances, etc… We have stopped all intimacy, which I miss. I know he misses the sex because 9 days ago he followed me all over the house and grabbed me, asking me to ravish him. Only for him to treat me coldly the next day, so I am done.

      It is hard to think about giving up on 27 years together, our family, our home and all we have built up.

      I could use suggestions, tips on talking to him, etc…

      • Notoverit

        Whew! Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. I am sincerely of the opinion that you need to tell him that before anything in the marriage can heal, he has to maintain NO CONTACT with the OW. Quit that gym, both of you, and find another one. He sounds like he is still in the affair fog – read about it on this blog. He is addicted to this woman and only quitting the “drug” will let him see you for the wonderful, loving wife you have always been. My second piece of advice is to work on yourself without any thought of his needs or wants. Pull yourself up and take care of you!

        I think I have found that until the H is ready to listen, it is USELESS to talk to him. Your H sounds like he is not ready to listen to you about your pain and hurt. He’s still waaay to into himself. Back off and let him deal with the therapist (I am hoping he found a good one – bad ones can do more harm than good). You deal with your issues and start working on making yourself happy! And read different blogs on this site to help you understand what you are going through and that you are not to blame! Wishing you good luck and keep posting on this site to get any advice you need. There are lots of very smart people on here who will help you.

      • Sunshine

        I would nicely open the front door and tell him to go.

    • Anita

      I am sorry for the hard time you are going through.
      When I went through my own ordeal I prayed and gave it over to God.
      God gives people their own free will, so we do not have control over what other people do. God asks us to forgive them, but to put our trust in Him. God has a perfect plan for your life, but its up to you to go to God.
      I can not give you advice on what you should do in reguards to your marriage, but I can give the best advice, of telling you to pray about it.

    • Anita

      By praying and understanding what God wants for you, can only come from Him. I have often heard the saying “go to the throne, instead of the phone.”
      In my situtation, everyone had their own idea of what I should do, and the advise I got to so conflicting, it was ridiculous.
      By praying, I found that internal peace that God, gives. He will
      work everthing for our good, if we trust him.
      I live each day by renewing my mind, to his word.
      We are humans that only see a piece of the puzzle, God has the whole picture.

      • Janice

        I agree and am standing for my marriage.

    • Notoverit

      Hey Anita, you are right about giving the problems to God but I also believe that God helps those who help themselves. You still have to do what you must to help yourself in this morass of problems. Pray to God for the strength to understand and to know what to do. Then help yourself by doing what you must.

    • tiffyk

      I was with my boyfriend for 6 years. We grew apart in a matter of a cpl months. I went away for a trip with my daughter and while I was gone met up with some chick from work and slept with her. He told me when I got back a week later. Then said he was leaving me for her. They have been together for 1 month now. She’s all over his facebook telling him how she loves her and says they are getting married. He says that he’s been missing something from me and now he found it in her. I know that he still loves me because he tells me that he does and that I will always be in his life forever but he’s still with her. I have talked to other ppl that have gone through similiar situations but it just seems hopeless. I want him back because we had a great relationship except for the last cpl months of hell. I read the statistics and says less than 1 in a 100 survive a relationship based off of cheating. I have read books, went a psychic, and even begged him to come back. He says he doesn’t know what the future has to hold but for now he’s happy. I feel devestated but I am taking baby steps everyday so that I can heal myself. I am hoping one day he’ll be at my front door and say baby Im sorry what was I thinking or karma to take hold. I know everything happens for a reason so I am just hoping that I can find that reason soon. Thanks for this blog its helped me a lot!!

    • Briana

      This blogging has made me think a lot… I have been cheating going on 11years now, I’m married with two kids, and this is what troubles me, I found a great husband who loves me very much, but this other I have been seeing has also got a wife and one child. Since the first day we met, had been trying my best to forget him and have no contact, but sme way or another we just end up connected, when we are together it is amazon, but I’m tired of doing this and tired of the guilt that comes with it…… Because we are heavily involved, it would make it easier if my affair guy said he had no feelings for me, and did not want to see me… But unfortunately it’s always the opposite. I’m seeing him again today…and all I want to do is be with him, but after reading these articles, it has become so much clearer to me that I have to end this…. I just need ways t do it, without upsetting him… And I also want it to be mutual… I was thinking of maybe saying that something on my end has happened, and cannot see him again…. I really want my marriage to work….desperate to end this… What happens is that we would stop contacting for 3-4months, but somehow we either bump into each other, or somehow fb msgs, even though he’s not a friend he can sill msg…. It’s so easy t get connected…then those feelings come back up, and the want t see each other builds up so much, that no matter how you go through your day to day, he’s on my mind constantly, the same for him, then we eventually give in, and MSG each other….I have a sad life, it’s good when the other is not in my life, because I know I can make this marriage work…. Time to make a change…. I can do this…. I really do not want t be fire fighting…. Thank you for this topic and articles, it’s an eye opener for me.

    • Beth D

      Brianna I had a similar situation and mine lasted over 10 years as well. I can finally smile and say it is over but it was the biggest battle I have ever fought in my life. We keep waiting for something to happen like getting caught or the OP disappointing us. Sometimes that doesn’t happen. I know it is possible to love two people based on what I went through but your spouse is not getting a fair deal. I rationalized so much that what didn’t hurt my spouse couldn’t be so bad but now that the other person is out of my life my marriage is so much better. I thank God every day that my hub never found out. My marriage would have been over and I would have regretted it every day of the rest of my life. Please do it now. Your husband deserves so much more than this. Noone has been hurt yet and you can both concentrate on your marriage. Hate to say it but the only way is to just tell him, and then no contact. You can’t break at all. Look I still struggle if I get a call here and there or text message. It is three years and I still think of him every day but it gets less and less. Pray, pray, pray and keep busy. Fill your life with wholesome things. You will get an intangant that you will never have as long as you are with him. Peace Good luck

      • Lynne

        Briana & Beth D-

        I hope for both of your sakes that you have been to counseling to work on yourselves and why you would choose this for over 10+ years. Really, I don’t say this to cast stones, but to deceive your H’s for this long is truly egregious!!! I hope you can even begin to imagine what it might be like to discover that your own husbands had done this same thing for such a significant part of your marriage.

        We all make mistakes, but over 10 years of deception is more than a minor mistake in judgement. I hope for all involved you will make your marriage your ONLY priority, or to leave if you cannot–I really, really feel for your husbands!

        • Beth D

          Do not judge lest ye be judged… cannot possibly understand it unless you have been there. Brianna is coming on here for help not to be lectured ms self rightous. There are numerous reasons a person can get into this situation none of which a closed minded person can understand. I know affairs that have lasted well over 20 years until the death of one of them. Most of the times it lasts because both are married, missing something in their marriage and the other person fulfills it. It is not right…noone can justify it but it happens and once you are in it, it is one of the worst addictions you can have. I know now I was addicted to my lover both physically and emotionally. It was not this great love affair I made it out to be in my mind. It took me years to figure it out but once I did I knew the only way out was no contact much like a drug addict or alchoholic must never touch drugs or alchohol again. Don’t feel for my husband. He is very happy and my marriage is better than ever. I do however feel grateful that he never found out. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

    • PTY

      Beth D–first, as the husband of a cheating wife, I am not sure what was said was all that self-righteous. Second, I question those who try to excuse their behavior on the basis that “something was missing”, or that “their needs were not being met”, as to whether they truly and I mean truly, did everything they could to address those problems within the marriage. Oh, I am sure there was a lot of criticism, nagging, etc, but I doubt whether most of these folks made any effort to change themselves. I am sure I disappointed my wife plenty, but the question is whether that was due to my failures, or her unrealistic expectations.

      You are right, I cannot know all the facts of your case. But there appears to be a pattern to this, and based upon what you have said, you are fitting that pattern. May be you are the exception to the rule.

      And yes, we should feel for your husband.

    • Beth D

      First of all your reading comprehension needs work PTY. I clearly stated in my post that there is no justifying. You missed the entire point of my post. The point was Brielle came here for help….not to be judged. I have a feeling I know what your wife was missing in your marriage. Again don’t feel sorry for my husband. He is a happy man. You sir clearly are not.

    • Michael

      This got ugly fast.
      I can relate to both sides of this and I don’t think it helps any of us on here to banter back and forth about who is smarter or how we feel for someones spouse.
      I do sometimes wish that I would have never found out. And who’s to say if I would have changed at all if my wife would have asked me to without it.
      During her affair two years ago I also did find out that she had been corresponding with her ex-husband during our 13 years together. Even if everything was not an affair it was deception. And It sounds as if you understand that.
      I understand that, but not everyone does.
      We see those “something missing, not fulfilling” words and it triggers emotions in people who are still struggling with it and you must understand that some of what’s said is what your husband may have said if you told him.
      We are all on here for support and to be safe to say how we feel including you and PTY.
      Saying that you understand what his wife may have been missing in his relationship was a stab directed to him. You should know, it wasn’t his choice that she had an affair. It was hers.
      I would ask everyone to try and keep this a safe place for all.

      • blueskyabove

        Michael – I agree this got ugly, but I disagree that it has been fast. I’d say it has been building for quite a while – weeks if not months. The CSs have been taking jabs at the betrayed spouses without having to face any consequences for quite a while. They always couch their comments under the guise of being remorseful, begging to be given a chance to speak as if we had any actual say in the matter.

        Lynne – Let me say how sorry I am that I have not responded while you have been repeatedly attacked by at least four different CSs. I have read your apologies and wondered how the CSs can repeatedly talk about how unsafe this blog is while openly attacking you. There isn’t a one of them that would recognize me if I were capable of finding out where they lived and arrived on their doorstep. It is utter manipulation on their part to repeatedly state how unsafe this blog is. If in fact many of their comments are not being posted then they need to take that up with Doug and stop blaming us.

        Beth D – Your response to PTY was uncalled for. Your response to Lynne…let’s dissect that shall we? “Do not judge lest ye be judged…..” Sounds wonderfully noble until one reads your next sentence where you refer to her as “ms self rightous” and then snidely make the remark about “…a closed minded person…” I’m not going to even give you an IMO, IMHO, JMHO. That was judgmental and abusive.

        Telling all of us you know people who have had affairs for over 20 years was simply rationalizing and justifying your own affair. If you didn’t intend to justify it then you wouldn’t have told us about them. Don’t bother to tell me how I missed the point of your comment. I didn’t. You might want to read up on human behavior. If you want to be given any credibility whatsoever then you are going to have earn it.

        Sidney – Your remark “Also, I knew when I wrote the ‘didn’t want to be rude’ thing, that I was opening myself up to being trashed.” YOU were the one that chose to make that statement. You didn’t have to make it, you chose to make. Now you want to blame someone else for what you perceive as being trashed. GEEZ! Lynne did not trash you. Is she not allowed an opinion?

        All BSs – You are kidding yourselves if you think you are actually getting anything worthwhile from most of the cheaters on here. Do you honestly believe that someone who is admittedly 3 weeks out has their head on their shoulders yet? They aren’t any wiser or more forthcoming than your spouses and chances are they won’t be for at least two or more years. You are being used by them. There is no doubt in my mind that the CSs have figured out that most BSs are so hungry for information that they will literally kowtow to them. The Cheating Spouses have gotten absolutely brazen and no one seems to want to call them on it. They don’t scare me.

        • Renee

          My now ex husband confessed to having an affair with a girl he works with two weeks before I gave birth to our second child. It’s been just over two months since he left and he is now living with her and her 9 year old daughter.
          We have been together 13 years, married for 5. He has barely seen his 7 week old daughter & sees our two year old once a week. He has a problem with alcohol and has a very addictive personality which has been the fundamental issue from day one. Said he started falling out of love with me the past year – obviously was having an EA with this other girl (she is very similar to him, likes too drink also) & eventually turned into physical. He chose to give up his family for “fun” and life without responsibility. Big man child if you ask me.
          He completely shattered me, and has lost not only his family but a lot of his very close friends. He shows no remorse, blames me for everything & makes excuses to justify the affair. I know he is still not happy, he can’t deal with everyone hating on him.
          Trying to move on, one part of me hates him the other feels sorry for him because I know he has his issues but in massive denial.
          I know I’d probably be better off without him as I’ve been through a lot with his addictions but I’m still holding on, thinking he will change & wake up & realise this new life will not be fulfilling enough for him. This sucks

    • PTY

      dropping my molotov cocktail

    • Jules

      This has been interesting to read and follow. My story is like many others, my husband confessed to his emotional affair that had turned physical last May, 2011. Then he proceeded to blame me, the marriage, blah, blah, blah. This was devastating to hear after 24 years of marriage, raising 3 boys and finally getting the time to really re-connect with my husband. I heard it all, I was not meeting his needs, I was not there enough, etc.. Bottom line, my husband according to his words ” I am pretty fu- – ed up in the head”. But yet he still want to blame anything or anyone versus really looking deep within himself. Happiness comes from within and why would he not communicate with me, his wife? Well because now I know it is NOT me, it is all him.

      Where has this gotten him? 7 weeks ago I told him to pack a bag and leave, took him 9 hours and he then told me I did not care about him. I did it because I do but I love myself more and refused to spend one more day with a husband not willing to do any hard work on himself and be responsible for his own recovery. Our youngest son told me he did not like being home because of how his Dad behaved and treated me. I could not allow this man to do this in front of our boys even though they are 18, 24 and 27. My husband is afraid of people knowing, his own sons are very angry at him and our oldest refuses to have anything to do with him including not wanting his own Dad at his wedding. So fast forward to today and I am moving forward with my recovery and I am still doing the hard work. It feels so good to feel good about myself again, therapy has helped me a lot!

      Unless you are the BS you can never understand what this does to your spouse. I did not until it happened to me. I have apologized to a dear friend who went through this 16 years ago. I felt horrible that I could not understand how she could not easily kick her husband out and divorce him. Now I do and I am one of those who is very compassionate and forgiving. But also know we are all responsibility for our own behavior, period! If you feel you must cheat, be honest with your partner and leave first. What this does to families, friends and communities is devastating and yes it hurts not just the spouses, but everyone else you are close too.

      So 1o months from D-Day for me and I am no longer pretending or quiet. If asked I talk and keep it brief. I finally said something to the married OW in the parking lot of our gym. Just that I know everything including all her recent contact and that I was done with her and being silent. Then I walked off and she put her car in reverse and hit me. This was witnessed and they came forward and I did file a Police Incident report. So now the affair is on a public record. I am ok but know now that she is not stable at all and very afraid of others knowing too. See how 2 people can make a nightmare and I for one am getting out of that nightmare.

      • Martha

        My husband and I have been married 15 yrs this April with 2 beautiful boys 10 and 13 yrs, For the last 3 years my husband had to go abroad for work (USA) for work due to financial pressures. I discovered last april that he was having an affair with a woman 20 years younger than him. One year on and he is still with her. Every 2 months he comes home to visit the boys and he says he comes to visit me too. I am completely devastated by his betrayal and live in hope it will all work out. He stays in the family home when he visits and Im ashamed to say that we sleep in the same bed. I just miss him so much and take comfort from those days and nights that I have him to myself. He says that its just company he needs while working away and that it gets him through the lonely nights. He says he is just doing what he has to to get through his situation. He will be abroad for the next 3 years at least. He assures me someday we will get our marriage back on track and that he intends on returning home once we are financially set. Should I just go along with this and wait and just enjoy him when he is home. We had a fab 2 weeks together at xmas. I do still love him and I dont want our kids to grow up without him. So confused.

    • Doug

      Guys, Geez, can’t we all just get along??? I certainly understand that there are a lot of emotions from both sides of the coin regarding this highly sensitive issue.

      However, there is no question that we can learn a lot from each other. I know this first hand because I have learned so much from many of the BS who have commented on this site. And I know Linda has learned a lot from the CS as well.

      We may not always like what we here but there is no reason why that should cause us to react in a hateful manner. A good old fashion debate is certainly welcome.

      We’re all here for the same basic reasons – and I don’t think it’s for the purpose of being confrontational and hateful. I would think that healing would be the ultimate goal for each of us.

      As Michael has stated, we need to keep this a safe place for everyone involved.

      Also, I was unaware that it seems that there are people that think that their comments are not being posted. I approve 99.9% of the comments that come through and of the almost 12,000 of them , I think I have disallowed 1 of them intentionally. If someone thinks that a comment was not posted, then re-post it as there must have been some sort of a technical issue of some sort or it was labeled as spam for some reason. If it’s labeled as spam through our spam filter, the comment is not read. Too many of those come through for me to even deal with.

      To close, we appreciate all of you and thank you all for your contributions.

      • blueskyabove


        I sure wish you had expressed your concern for everyone ‘getting along’ over the last few days when Lynne was being blatantly attacked by 4 CSs. I believe you probably had many opportunities since you monitor the replies. Where were you then?

        Maybe you have learned a lot from many of the BSs. Maybe Linda has learned a lot from the CSs as well, but I can say unequivocally that I do not believe I have learned any thing on here from a CS. Maybe it’s because I was already well into this game long before you and Linda even started this blog. And, for the record, I would like to hear from Linda just exactly what she believes she has learned from them.

        I disagree with you in that I don’t think we’re all here for the same basic reasons. For the most part I believe the betrayed spouses are looking for guidance in healing themselves and their marriages. If they have no intention of continuing, then they wouldn’t even check out this site. I honestly cannot say the same for the cheating spouses regardless of what some may advocate. I think most of the CSs are more into being accepted than actually healing. I understand you wanting to believe they are here to resurrect their marriages or become the best person they can be, but I do not buy it.

        Too many of the cheaters, over the course of this blog, have openly admitted that their spouse doesn’t know about the affair and they have no intention of ever telling them as long as they don’t get caught. Others have regaled us with minute details of their on-going secret affairs while making sure we are aware of how incredible the sex is/was with their affair partner. Still others repeatedly tell us how they sobbed day in and day out for weeks and months over losing their affair partner. Most of them want us to understand how difficult it is for them having to give up their affair partner all the while trying not to puke while having to be around their spouse. If you honestly believe that any of that is helpful for someone who has recently discovered their spouse’s secret affair then you and I are not on the same page. I’m willing to bet the BSs read EVERYTHING that is posted. A great deal of it is downright cruel. There had to be a few new BSs who read a certain CS’s comments today on one of your posts and were incredibly hurt. Is it totally inconceivable for a CS to be considerate of another? I understand they have spent weeks, months and in some cases years being totally selfish, but now they need to be held accountable. IMO that is your job.

        I’ve read the same thing too many times, Doug. If we would just understand, just walk a mile in their shoes… What they don’t want to acknowledge is that we don’t want to walk in their shoes, we don’t find it the least bit attractive, and even at our lowest point ,self-esteem-wise, we still aren’t that desperate. Maybe that’s the crux of the matter. Many want to hear from the betrayed spouses (any betrayed spouses except their affair partner’s betrayed spouse) that they really are kind, considerate, decent people who would never, ever have an affair…except that they did have an affair… We are to graciously accept whatever they say (because they didn’t do it to us personally? or because they’re willing to prey upon our insecurities?) and btw – it just happened, it was inevitable. (Admittedly I still need to work on the ‘acceptance’ stage.)

        You may very well find me confrontational and hateful, but I refuse to sit back and gloss over these issues. People are not being truthful. People are being hurt and the only way this will ever be a safe place is if you separate the betrayed spouses from the cheating spouses. As it is, there is just too much opportunity to take advantage of vulnerable people without being held accountable . That is my opinion and I guess if you don’t like it then you can always block me.

        • Doug

          Bluesky, I didn’t see anything that I would consider “blatant attacks” on Lynne. I saw a spirited debate from both sides. I will apologize to her privately if I misread that dialogue in anyway.

          The folks that come to this site are all in various stages of recovery. Most I would presume are fairly new into it. You are one of the rare individuals that has more recovery time under her belt. So perhaps you have not learned anything from a CS, but I find that hard to believe. Linda and I actually talked about this last night and she has learned many things from the CS – not all of them good things – but nevertheless she has learned. I’ll let her respond in more detail if she is able to (tough to do while teaching 8 year old kids!).

          You may be correct that some CS that comment are looking for acceptance, but more so I think they are looking for guidance and direction and help from other CS and BS. Not everybody’s has the same definition of healing. Perhaps acceptance is healing for some, but I think the majority are looking for more. Also, we’re only seeing a very small part of the whole picture. Understand that only about 1-5% of the people that come to this site on a given day even post a comment and only about 11% are cheaters.

          I understand that it’s difficult for the BS to read much of what the CS writes and can cause triggers and anger, but unfortunately that’s the nature of the beast. I don’t think that they do it to intentionally to cause pain for other BS. I fully believe that even though the words the CS writes can be painful, they can also provide a valuable learning experience for the BS, as it gives them a window into the brain of a cheater. A window that many times their own spouse is not opening. And the same goes the other way. If by reading the comments made by the BS they cannot see the horrific pain and hurt they have caused, then they are just plain dumb and there is not hope for them or their marriage anyways.

          The blog will never separate the cheaters from the betrayed through the comment section. However, once the healing section opens and we have a forum, there will be separate forums for each. I understand your feeling the way you do, I really do, and I appreciate all of your contributions. I’ve never blocked anyone just because we held opposing viewpoints (even Marie) and I do not intend to. Thanks again!

          • Cari

            I was with my husband 18 years only married 3 years … that’s when all the trouble started when he started cheating . We are separated now , very positive it will end in divorce. He moved in with a married woman and from what I hear still sneaking back to her husband … that alone tells me she is not sure who she wants and is playing both of them . I am very devasted and hurt but refuse to beat myself up over my husbands choices. He blamed all our married problems on me , but refused to try or work on himself.I have been going to counseling myself and will do fine on my own I,just wanted to say reading a lot of these comments have helped make me understand both sides not that I don’t still cry or get upset over my husband and wish he would have put the time and energy into our relationship cause I do I know what kind of person he got she is still playing them both . And I want no part of being involved in any of that mess anymore !!! Hopefully one day I will find someone, but for now my family and friends are my rock

            • jo

              ari, i hope u keep us updated with your situation. i only discovered this site a couple days ago my husband left me to live with his ap little over a yr ago, our divorce was finalizedjus 2 weeks ago. what i find interesting is u saying your souses ap seems confused n sneaks back to her spouse n is more than likely playing them both, that sounds like my husband. he calls me behind her back, brought me roses n chocolate n breakfast the day after valentines with the admonishment “DO NOT post anything about this on facebook!” i get a lot of dictates like that how nnot to do whatyever to upset her cos it disrupts his peace. he seems confused to me tells me how much he loves her n how much he loves me but its “different’ i have heard all the lines i have seen in the comments i am confused as to what i want. i want t be faithful to God’s Word so i want to stand for my marriage n restoration n yet at the same time my flesh doesnt want him any more and while i love him deeply i am no longer “in love” with him as i had been crazily in love the prior 16 years.

    • Lynne

      We are all imperfect in some way–but hopefully we are all here to learn and grow. I agree that this needs to be a safe place, an outlet, a place to share experiences from both sides. I think when a CS throws out some of the statements like the ones above, you have to know that you are potentially opening yourself up for some backlash. And for CS comments here from those who haven’t been honest with their spouse, this might be a better place to learn than anything else. Since your spouse does not know of your lengthy affair, I’m not sure that you can truly understand what we’re experiencing (you may have some level of empathy for us, but you are not living in this same hell with your H). You dodged a bullet that we did not!

      And for me, I do feel badly for ANY spouse who has not been told the truth. I’m a big believer in free will–and to make decisions about our own lives and well being, we need the information that allows us to make those informed decisions. To hold back vital information deprives us of the right to decide what life path is right for us. So yes, I had a bit of a reaction to this, as I would on any topic where people are being deceptive and dishonest–secrets keep people sick and cause serious harm in the end.

      • Paula

        Thank you all, especially Lynne and bluesky. It needs to be a safe place, and yes, there are big emotions, but listening is even more useful than talking (and that comes from a BIG talker!) I agree wth your comments about some CSs needing to own their “stuff” as some here haven’t quite yet, and that these same people do not understand the range of emotions we BSs feel, whilst I appreciate they have their own pain, it is different, not a contest, but it is different, fullstop. I think most of us think we can empathise with the emotions experienced (I know I did) until it happens to us, you really have little or no idea really. Keep it seemly people, there’s enough negative stuff to deal with without getting more here! Thanks Doug

    • Lynne

      I have tough skin, so no worries about the need to defend me–I really didn’t feel attacked. Sometimes we hit a raw nerve in someone and their first reaction is to fire back. Believe me, as a BS, I’ve had my share of firing back at my H!!!

      I have a huge appreciation for most CS’s here–their insight has been invaluable. I see that some CS’s are terribly lost and struggling to find their way through this, too. For that, I do have compassion. Perhaps we are better off engaging with those who are trying to grow and learn, while ignoring the occassional off hand remark.

      I am grateful for this site and for this community–we all wish we weren’t here, but if we have to be, I am so very appreciative of the support and care I’ve found here.

    • whyme?

      not sure where to start, my h started an affair about 7 months ago and last month moved out/in with ow. we have been married for 16 yrs – 2nd for both of us and have 1 child between us that is still at home (5 total). i am told this will not last, that my h is going through a midlife crisis – the ow is the same age as our children, does anyone have any thoughts….. not sure what to do, h has broken off all contact – when/if we do have contact i make it a point to be cheerful, short and sweet, etc. try not to chase/pursue h and at this point h says he is not interested in working on marriage. again any thoughts……

    • atlanticcanadian

      I was left after 21 years for the affair partner. Oh well.

    • me

      How about some statistics or footnotes or references to back up your article

    • dontwanttogive

      I kicked my ex out when I found out about the affair. He “religiously” married the affair partner. He isn’t happy with her either.

      Oh well, the affair partner can deal with the slaps, pushes shoves and nasty names. Strange though shortly after my ex and I became a couple I found out I was the other woman. Married for 21 years. He stared cheating after 8.

    • Eva

      My husband recently started a PA with a “girl” he works with. I use the term girl since she is barely 22 and almost 7 years younger. He threw myself and our two young children out of the house so he can have her there whenever possible. The catch is the OW is engaged and getting married in 3 months. She has yet to break off the engagement which gives me hope that she won’t. Her fiancee has no clue there is anything going on. I want so bad to fight for my marriage and my husband, but at the moment I feel that any contact with the OW or her fiancee would just make him even more mad than he already is and he had made it clear for now he wants nothing to do with me. I feel so lost and helpless in this situation. Can someone give me some advice as to what I should do?

      • JANIEH

        My H left me for another woman and still denies it even though it is apparent to everyone else he is seeing someone else. He visits the same place in Europe every month and he purchased ladies underwear on a website recently and no jokes about it being for him. It’s been a year now. My kids and I are trying to move on but still the cloak and dagger relationship continues. We sold our house, moved into separate apartments and the lies continue. I realized the other day and from reading this site that they need the lies, they need the deceit because this is where they get their excitement from and if there is no excitement of hiding their relationship then there is no relationship. My H doesn’t even want to pay child support to us though he wants to see his kids every weekend and because I can support myself I encourage him to be there in the lives of his kids without child support. Yes, I am a fool, but there is no talking to him. I guess I hope their “relationship” will run it’s course and he’ll regret the turmoil he has caused but I don’t think he will. He has tunnel vision in most respects. This last year has been a nightmare but I keep strong and have reverted (as advised) to the girl I used to be and in a weird way it frightens him. I am looking good and I know he notices but he can’t bring himself to even give me a compliment, even though his own friends wow at my appearance. His best friend. No one is taking sides in this pending divorce. He isn’t pushing for divorce but I know it’s coming. I feel bad for the kids and I wish we were the family we were but it’s not to be. I wonder about the OW a lot. I felt hurt he bought her underwear because he’s never bought me any. He has issues in bed and i always blamed myself for them. He also blamed me. Does he have issues with her? Apparently not. I don’t even know why I am writing this. The relationship is over and there is no way back.She won in the end. She had him turn his universe upside down and he did it. What a mess. I know he feels guilty but at least the shouting has stopped. He even believes we are friends. Perhaps I should remove this crutch? Perhaps I should do a lot of things. I have to get child support because i can’t keep going like this. As soon as I do their “collusion” begins again and the shouting between us starts. It feels like I am fighting her but she always wins. This is a long distance relationship remember and they have an “ocean between them” how romantic. Do I want him back? Will he regret? Will she be the love of his life while I am a woman he would rather forget? Who knows. We were together for 10 years. I feel bad i want what might be the happiest time in his life to be over with. Am i selfish? I think I might be.

        • jo

          janieh, i don’t believe you’re being selfish can relate to a bit you are feeling. my h n i never fought. we fight now n its because of the ow. she wants him to completely cut me off n he refuses to do so. she has won in everything n yet she’s still so hateful towards me n they both keep telling me how threatened by me she is i dont see why she told him not to come n see me n he stopped she told him he cant talk to me on the phone sohe stopped that too unless he’s on his way to or from work or she runs to the store, even the texting n messaging have dwindled. she pressured him to divorce me which he saif he never intended to do n i believed him but he gave in to her afgter all. sometimes i’m confused n dont know if i want him back cos i’m starting to feel good about myself again i felt so bad about myself with him. n i am disabled. apparently they have “amazing’ sex. ugh

    • cianel

      I have just begun in a relationship with a married man. The problem is, I love him and he loves me, but I also care deeply for his wife as a friend. I feel like a piece of dirt. How can I let this happen, I do not know what to do, because when we are together, I am happier than any other time. My friendship should be most important and this whole thing goes against all my morals. How can something that is so wrong feel so right? What do I do?

    • Sue

      Hi, I found this site and the comments very helpful. My husband began an emotional affair this past summer. It has since become physical. He denied it, but when he stays out all night, I know where he is staying. The OW is a co-worker. She is 26 with a 5 year old daughter. He will be 41 in Nov. He has had two other emotional affairs, one in 2008 and the other last year. The first took a while to end, she was an old girlfriend who lives in another state, but he recommitted to me and told her to leave us alone. The second ended upbruptly when I found out. His constant complaint of me is that I invalidate him and emasculate him. I know that there have been times when I do invalidate him, but to me it is usually in response to how I am treated. I should also point out this is a constant complaint he has had with many people. He can be very mean and uncaring. He has emotional issues from childhood (the loss of his parents – his mother committed suicide about 6 months before his dad died) that I believe make him somewhat incapable of real imtimacy. He also has an inability to have long term relationships. Hwe seems to abandon people before they can do it to him and it’s usually because of something they have done. Aside from his family and siblings and a friend from high school, who he no longer speaks to by the way, I am the longest relationship he’s had. We have known each other for about 17 years, married 81/2. I started thereapy in 2011 and he did as well. We both stopped this past summer. I have started again, for obvious reasons. Things were working and our relationship was good. However, this past April we had an argument about needs. I told him what I needed and I believe he saw it as an attack. He then spent the next hour telling me how I didn’t measure up. He has difficulty accepting responsibility. Everything is always someone else’s fault. He was also mad at me because I stopped thereapy. I told him I felt good and would go back when I felt I need, not because he thought I should. He didn’t like that. He saw that as me giving up, I guess, even though things were good. I believe the affair with this current girl started shortly after the April argument. He, of course, blames me for wanting a divorce. He attempted to tell me that it was my emasculating him is the reason he wants out, however, in that same conversation I busted him and told him I knew he was seeing someone. He said they were “just hanging out.” I found it insulting that he would deny it. I told him I wanted out and would file after the holidays. Why so long you might ask, buying time I guess. I do want to save my marriage, though my anger at times has me question why, but I do love him and know things don’t have to be this way. I do see where we failed at meeting each others needs, but I also feel cheated because he has pushed people out of his life constatly and I never thought he would do it to me and our daughter. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. We have a 7 year old daughter who I am trying to protect with every fiber in my body. I don’t want this to be an issue for her. We still live together, financially we have to. I have read so many things online, have put in place much of the advice and do feel better about myself, because I know this is about him, as most things usually are. I know the affair says more about him that it does about me. He can blame me all he wants. It’s just hard to be there when he doesn’t come home or when he sends me a text saying he’ll be “out late.” Any advice, encouragement or words of wisdom would be most appreciated. Thanks for listening.

    • janice

      My husband was having sex with a co worker at work and was caught by their boss, both were dismissed for gross misconduct. They did not see each other outside of work and when my husband was suspended prior to an investigation he came home a mess and told me he had just groped her. I believed him 17 months later he died and I discovered the truth that they had sex. Did my husband have feelings for this woman or was it just sex (she is married and he was her third affair) or was there some feelings for her. I do not know all I do know is that he tried to make amends and the stress of keeping his secret took it’s toll on his health.

    • David

      I would like some advice my roommate (female ) is having an affair at her job , the guy she is seeing is 10 years older married w a five year old kid , and his wife works w him 3 days a week , I can’t see this going anywhere but my roommate is in love so she thinks , I want to say something to her but don’t know how to word it , would like some advice , she’s 28 and Hungarian and has some major daddy issues .

    • friend

      You can try and talk to her but she’s in the addiction stage of the affair. It’s a hard habit to break. She’s also young and not that experienced in the ways of the world. What will happen is either the wife will find out and she may already know or the affair will end. There is also the possibility, remote possibility, he will leave his wife, but the affair relationship will still end. It has a 5% chance of surviving. Point being your friend is a train crash waiting to happen. You sound like a good friend and you’re well intentioned but I think your role is to let this “experience” unfold and be there for your friend when her life goes pear shaped and it will.

    • mike

      After 8 years I can tell you to save yourself the full spectrum of just negative energy and thoughts. If your marriage is that bad and u both have tried just work out a divorce the best you can. As much as I love the ow its never the right time for either of us. It just a waste of time. The last straw for me was her blaming me for takibg away what she had with her husband and she could never get it back. I know yours is different, trust ladies and gents DONT DO IT. Its taken years off me in stress, hurt and destroyed friendships and taken valuable time away from my child. Anyway I wish happiness to all good luck finding it.

    • Ash

      I’m I an seeking advice I’ve felt like I need therapy

      I am the OW, I am 23, he is 43, he has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 6 years she is about 27-28, his first son is 23 and the second id 21. We are now on our second year, his gf is at school in fl, at first the relationship was good he seemed so living and caring, he told me I’m the only one he has been with since he has been with
      her ( that was a lie). He begged me to open up to him and I did, I couldn’t trust him and I never understood why, I started by spending nights then it went to weeks, and things started changing, he phone went off the hook and I looked he was speaking to other women most of the time, I became a nag, insecure and I accused him, I only suspected him I had no proof that he was sleeping around, we speared for about 3 months and I was moving on with someone younger and single, I moved on because I felt like the man forgot me, he came back and I left the guy to be with him and it was a disaster, at first he admit that it was his fault then he started insulting me about sleeping out, I felt that we should break it off but we didn’t, he nagged me about it and wanted to know everything I told him.

      Later on In the relationship he had no respect for me, he insulted me, and I would be right there with him and he would spend most of his time on his phone with other women make calls and I would be right there I felt like it was disrespect, at times he wouldn’t acknowledge me at all, when he is texting his gf he would let it show but the other women he would turn his phone and said he need privacy, I felt hurt when I’m away from him he doesn’t talk to me at all if I don’t say hi and when I’m with him he spends all his time on the phone if was never like this, we would fight and he would say mean things to me he has ask me to leave many times I keep coming back….and he never stops talking about the guy i left to be with him kreps sayin that i cheated….I love him deeply I take care of his stuff I’m there when his ill etc right now I feel like I want out and I don’t know how to he has changed, I really want out I can’t accept him with the other women, not talking to me for days, not taking me any where any more and the phone and all these wine I feel insecure I feel like I’m not good enough, I took blame because I nag I don’t know pleas please help me anyone it’s a long story I’m ready to get out I feel like I deserve better advice please

    • Ash

      I didn’t mention that I cry alot I don’t sleep, I blame my self I keep feeling that I want to be with him I stopped nagging but I would appreciate it if he spend time with me while I’m there and not the other women, I’m hurt and it hurts I don’t feel for him sexually any more. I want to be happy I really need some advice I keep feeling that I’m not good enough, not working right now, I’ve lost confidence and self esteem he brought me down he only speaks the negative… Please help

      • Strengthrequired

        Ash, you are 23, he is 43. Do you really want a man of 43, who hasn’t been able to commit to one person, cheating on his gf with you and with ow as well?
        You are only young, you have a lifetime of happiness to be had with someone that respects you, this man is not in it for one person, he is only thinking of himself. If at 43 he can’t grow up it is safe to say he won’t.
        Separate yourself from this situation, don’t risk your health for this man. Find a person who you can settle down with, have children with, where no secrets are kept. Someone that respects you.
        This man is only using you, don’t you want a man you don’t share?
        Look after yourself and start looking out for what’s in your best interest.

    • Ash

      Thanks for taking the time out to respond it means alot to me I’ve read your reply over and over and I will keep reading them. Thanks.

      • Strengthrequired

        Your welcome Ash, i would hate to see a young woman such as yourself throw away her life. If my daughters were in your position I would be mortified. I would be telling them the same thing. I don’t want them settling for second best, or with someone that treats them in the way you and the other women this man is doing this too. I am sure if it was happening to his daughter he wouldn’t like or accept it. In reality he is old enough to be your father.
        You deserve to be treated special, you deserve to be the only woman, you deserve to be with a man that has no commitments with anyone else, just for that man to be committed to you and only you.
        Take care….

    • Lyn

      My h left me 8 weeks ago. Was having a affair for 3 months but didnt sleep together till last 2 weeks of it. He came home had his tea was not his normal self hadn’t been for 2 weeks. I asked him whats up and he just said I don’t want this anymore and that his been having an affair. I was so shocked and hurt. We had been together 26 years. He left that day return a week later for his clothes. Now his renting a flat close to ow she left her h just after mine left me. My daughter is very upset with her dad and will not talk to him at all or let him see his grandaughter. I asked him to please try and let’s work things out he said he can’t it’s gone to far and he loves this other women. I feel my life is over and we did everything together. He works 7 days a week and is always stressed with work. But will not give it up or take time off apart from holidays and Xmas. His losing his daughter and grandaughter but doesn’t seem to care. His turn really cold now , but he admits his been selfish. I haven’t contacted at all apart from to tell him once his daughter was poorly and was having a scan. His texts her once a week to ask for grandaughter but she will not reply. Sorry for going on I just don’t know what to do. I want my h home but know I can’t force him. Ow has 10 year old son and was with her h for 22 years. Can it be love after just a few months? Do these relationships last? I’m praying every day for him to wake up but now I found out there have both took off there wedding rings for eachother made me sick. Please help

    • Rachel

      My husband of 5 years recently informed me that he wanted a separation. At first he said he was done because he was unhappy and because of all the bickering going on with us. Bickering is normal in a marriage right? I just couldn’t wrap my head around this. I was confused. I thought everything was fine. We do have a 2 yr old son. I of course do not want this separation, and will do anything to help fix the problems. He tells me that there is nothing that I can do. He says he doesnt know what he wants and hes confused.
      He finally told me that he had been talking to ow for bout 4 months off and on. I recently found out that he is having sex with this ow. But still came back to me for it. I did thinking maybe this will help him figure out what he wants. Guess not!
      He had been staying here at the house just so he could see his son everyday. He said he is not in love with me anymore. I of course am still his wife and the wifey duties need to be done. I was washing his laundry, cooking supper for him, etc.. I finally told him he needed to leave cause it was just too hard to see him everyday and not be able touch him or and tell him that I love him. We werr getting a long great. He stayed over a coupl3 of nights and he said he had a great time with us, but still didnt know what he wanted. Ive been reading this love dare book, and my dare was to fix a romantic dinner and communicate again. He totally shot me down. He got mad and left, and said he was going to stop coming over everyday cause hes giving me false hope. He later sends me a message saying he wishes he got to visit with our son more that day but I was being difficult. I told him that I never told him to leave. He says that im guilt tripping him…. and pushing… I just want him to know that he is loved and wanted in this home. I keep praying and praying that god takes control over this sitaution ans brings him home. Weve been together since I was 16, almost 10 yrs. Wi have faith that god will pull us through this. How do I go about fighting for him without fighting with him. He says its irritating that I do these things. His actions and words dont match. Im so confused. Please help.

      • Carol

        Hi, Rachel — this is so hard. I’m sorry. I wonder if it might help to back out for a while. Let your H feel what it would be like to lose you. He hasn’t fulfilled his most basic duty of fidelity to you, so don’t do the ‘wifey’ things. Don’t be nasty to him, but don’t do his laundry; don’t cook for him; don’t have sex with him (for the sake of your own health and sanity) so long as he’s sleeping with the OW. Treat him cordially but formally. Let him see that you have dignity and won’t be mistreated in this way. Oh, and that ‘guilt-trip’ stuff is complete crap. He is feeling guilty because, erm, he IS guilty. It’s classic for the CS to blame the BS for this. Don’t buy it. Nobody can MAKE anyone else feel guilty. He’s behaving in extremely hurtful ways and destroying his own family, and so he SHOULD feel badly.
        It sounds like you’ve been reading the ‘love dare’ book, which may be helpful for restoring marriages, but infidelity introduces a whole different set of issues. I’d recommend a book on boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It’s from a Christian perspective, same as the ‘love dare’ book, but they argue that it’s healthy and right to set boundaries, and not to allow yourself to be mistreated. You need those boundaries right now to protect yourself from this man who is inflicting terrible harm on you. Hugs to you.

      • Sunshine

        Rachel, let him go. Do not do anything anymore. Take it day by day but do not call him.Do not ask him to come see your son. Hold your head high. Stay quiet around him if he does come over. Don’t say anything. Keep going. I’ve been there.

    • Gizfield

      Rachael, my husband pulled the same crap when we were married five years but out daughter was four. He claims not to have”slept” with her but only because of the fact that “she has the highest MORALS of anybody I know.” Are you effing kidding me? Excuse me while I compose my self from laughing my ass off over that one. He does not want to grow up, and since he found an available whore who sleeps with a married man with children, he thinks he doesn’t have to. Like Carol said, do not tolerate this crap. He shouldn’t be able to move between this whores house and your home at will. He will do it as long as you tolerate it. thats not love. Adultery is the only biblical reason for divorce so that tells you something right there.

    • Rachel

      You know the saying…. your suppost to puch ur h in the hpuse not out of the house. Im not the person to just give up when times get a little rough. He has said that he loves me, but doesnt want the bickering all the time. I know that I just need to give him time. He really enjoys getying to spend time with our son. I understand that, but he is the one that walked out on us. He wants him on thr weekends too, but since I do work mon thru fri I dont like for him to be gone. I would feel more comfortable with him being at the house with him. Do you think there is any hope that maybe we can reconcile?

    • Gizfield

      I dont know that saying, Rachel. I can’t say if neither can anyone on here whether you can reconcile or not. We all have our own tolerance level. To me, my husband having sex with another woman is not arough patch–it is a deal breaker, especially if it’s continuing. But what anyone on here says is advice or opinion, nothing more, and no one can tell you how to live your life.

    • julie

      Rachel- I tired that and here was my experience. May 2011 I found out about my H affair with a married woman… we seperated in June, he asked to move home in July… he resumed his affair and I tried it all. Nothing got thru to him but it almost destroyed me. I even called the OW’s husband and gave proof and details, confronted her, said things to her friends. etc… What I got was the joy of being blamed and causing problems… I lived this way with his continued lying, cheating, finding secret phones, receipts for hotels all while he asked to move home and work on us. He refused counseling, we did attempt it twice but to him it was the blame the wife game, defend his perfect amazing affair partner, etc… So Jan. 2012 I told him to pack a bag and leave or end affair and join me in counseling. He left… my boys were in tears. So today almost two years later the perfect OW became herself (she did leave her H, then demanded a commitment from my H and for him to file for divorce). He refused…. they went back and forth for a while, me finding new secret phones, more hotel receipts, etc… But I lived my life, I actually dated, traveled, got therapy, read every book I could get my hands on and grew stronger.

      So today he wants back… we are in counseling but I am not making it easy on him at all. I have not let him move back, not sure if and when that will happen. Once I set my boundaries, stuck to my beliefs, stopped coddling him, got my own life… he wanted back. He also figured out I was seeing someone.

      I do have to say I was told to do all this when I found out about the affair, I truly thought I could love him back, become the perfect wife, etc… all I did was hurt myself. But we all have our own paths and have to find our own journey.

      I am making him work for me, the marriage we had of 26 years is dead, gone, kaput… he knows he has to start at the beginning… I am still dating the same man and he knows that my ex is trying to come back… he knows I agreed to counseling too. This new counselor is fabulous and is helping me a lot. I refuse to make decision and I actually am very happy! For the first time in 2 1/2 years I am excited what tomorrow may bring…. for me! Our 3 boys are more settled and better. One thing I stopped doing too is thinking ill of my H and all negative comments or remarks are off the table for me. I refuse to make it easy for him too… he took me for granted.

      So my suggestion, please seek help for yourself. Read the Boundaries book, read anything about Affairs and how to move forward… if you have a church, seek help there. Counseling for YOU will do wonders… Also as hard as it is, stop doing for your H… as far as your son I would seek legal advice. As hard as it was I did consult with 3 attorney’s and I have it all ready and waiting if I decide to file for divorce. My H knows this….

      Take care of you, eat well, get rest, exercise and I can not speak enough about getting help from a professional with expertise in this area. I wish you the very best…. this is your journey ….

    • Rachel

      We were attending our home church together, he really got into it, then he stopped going and tries to deny what he felt from god. I want to believe that this is just a phase that hes going through. My preacher keeps telling me to keep fighting for him. Ive heard god speak to me and tell me to keep doing what im doing. I know I shouldnt question, but is it going I to push him away if I keep reminding him that I lovee him? “This too shall pass” is the verse that I just cant get out of my head. Im just so confused

      • Rachel

        Looks like we have another Rachel on the blog. I’m the divorced one with two boys.

      • Strengthrequired

        Rachel, I will say follow your heart, do what you feel is best for you and your family. There is no right or wrong answer here. If you want your marriage then fight for you family, but don’t think it is going to be an easy ride, as it isn’t, it is tough and it can take a long time to bring your husband out of his fantasy. You have to understand he has this ow in his head telling him that you don’t deserve him and that she is who is going to rescue him from you. So this is why your husband is confused about his feelings.
        What I do say to you is, there will come a point in time where you will be strong enough to say, I have had enough. Especially if he is still seeing this ow.
        I look back at times and think, maybe it should have done this this way, not that way, maybe it wouldn’t have dragged on so long, but the truth is, it may not have worked out any differently, maybe my husband and I would not have made it, if I did things differently.
        So I hold my head up high, and i can say I fought the fight of my life, win or lose I tried for the sake of my family, I have no regrets. Maybe if I had done things differently I would have had regrets, I truly don’t know.
        So follow your heart, trust your instincts, and be prepared to have the fight of your life if that is what you choose. Yet also don’t let your husband blame you for anything, they are pretty good at passing the blame for their stupidity. Be caring, be understanding, choose your battles. Try not to argue with your husband, that feeds more power to the ow. I remember looking like I was the crazy person in my husbands eyes, not the ow, so I had to sit back and watch exactly how I was acting, because every time I lost the plot she was always a step ahead. However once she realised that I was the step in front of her, she started to show her true colours.
        There will be times where you want answers, and your husband will be stand off ish, he will be angry, then there will be times whee your husband will answer some questions but in bits, and don’t think that the truth will come out straight away, there will be times where you will go over what he tells you and things won’t add up, so then it will cause more questions. Until your husband is able to commit to your relationship completely you may not get all the answers you need. Keep an eye on progress because that is where you can see if things are getting better, hold onto those because if these days keep coming up with improvements then you can see how far you have come or haven’t come. They say don’t jump into anything until at least giving it a year, I have to say I agree. Many things can happen in a year, emotions are high at the beginning, yet after a year you begin to also see clearly, you find strength as a bs you never realised you had, you see yourself how special you really are and how much dignity you hold in yourself, it in a way becomes a time where you find yourself again.
        Just do yourself a favour, don’t try to figure out what the ow has that you don’t, really it isn’t anything you are lacking, Honestly think about it, if some ow can attach herself to.a married man, then what does it say about her…. If this ow is willing to sneak around with a married man, then what does it say about her? If this ow Is wiling to break up a family, steal a husband from his wife and father from his child, then what does it say about her? Not good things, so be true to yourself, and don’t think you need to be like this ow at all. Most cheating spouses choose someone that is not normally the person they would ever consider to begin with.
        All the best, I hope all works out for you. Keep coming on here, you found this site early on, which I’m glad you did, read as much as you can, and reach out here when you want to vent.

        • Rachel

          Strength required,

          I just have to comment on what a wonderful and SPOT ON comment that you wrote to the other Rachel.
          Boy, did I think I was the crazy one during my ordeal.
          It took my husband two years to come out of it. But too late because he’s now an ex. Basically cause his soulmate ditched him after she was subpoenaed during our divorce trial.
          Great comments, I will print it and refer back to it on bad days.
          Thank you!

          • Strengthrequired

            Thankyou Rachel, that is so kind of you. You can always hold your head up high Rachel, you are the better person, your exh lost a wonderful wife and mother. Yes he was too late, it’s such a huge shame that it takes their “so-called soul mate” to abandon them or to have their craziness thrust upon them, for that wake up moment to occur.
            God forbid their ow would lie, cheat, or use them, because when that happens it shows how stupid they were for throwing away their family, their life for this person that was supposed to be everything and more than their dreaded spouse, us…
            I had a dream last night that my h wanted to be closer to work so he rented a place for 4 months and said he wanted to have his boys live with him. I go down and visit him in this dream and lo and behold there is this ow, who starts showing me around, what she had done to the house etc, she wasn’t supposed to let me know that she lived there, but I looked around myself and found out she did. Funny thing is it was like I didn’t care, I wasn’t upset, didn’t have any emotions towards it, I just made out that I didnt know a thing. Funny thing as we’ll every time this ow walked out of the room, my h wanted me, every time she would return he would move away. Yet it didn’t bother me. It was funny because it was like I was now cheating with my husband on this ow, and I just didn’t care. It was like I now can live my life knowing that he can act like an idiot, and I just don’t give a rats ass, because I was over it. I was still able to love him etc, but I was free to move on without him, without all the hurt.
            Any other dream I used to have like that, I would cry and be in heart ache the whole time, he would be nasty and cold and would flaunt his ow in front of me and it would tear me apart, yet this time in my dream I was strong.

            I told my husband about my dream, and he asked weren’t you upset and angry? I told him yes I was but I was calm and relaxed and didn’t let on I knew they were together. I actually think he was surprised, because he knows the dreams I normally have, and it always had me in tears, but not this time.

            Not sure what it means, but I will put it down as my inner strength shining through.

        • Teresa

          This was very well written!…. so much truth to what you wrote, and it will take more than a few months to see cleary how things will progressed. It’s been nearly 5 months now but I know my ex hasn’t changed…except for the fact that his mistress isn’t what he thought she was all about. Now I know I can move on….and fully aware he is creeping back into my life. That’s what bothers me that most how he can leave with no remorse and looking at him… and seeing the damaged he has caused, made me the stronger one in all this.

          • Strengthrequired

            Teresa, Thankyou, if there is anything that has come out of what an affair does to a bs, we have no choice but to become stronger, if we don’t we lose ourselves in a mess that we did not create. My cs took over a year to realise the full extent of the mess he created, by the sounds of it, your cs is finally seeing the error of his ways. Hopefully he hasn’t waited to realise too late, to make things right with h you.
            We never asked for all the hurt we were dished out, but we have definately all learnt something from it, good and bad.

            • Teresa

              Lol… I would say that if we were to come back together things would change! but my mind is taking over what my heart wants, and that’s to move. I can’t trust him and even though we are being on mutual grounds to be “friendly” terms for the kids I have seen far from his side after 11yrs. He walked out…he chose to leave…and he chose to persue the OW. All because she was there on an emotional level that I wasn’t there (which I was) but he just didn’t see it. It’s a tough wake up call! No one deserves to be in this position no matter what…. and when someone cheats it’s because they know exactly what they are doing, not because they are confused. For my ex….he’s not confused, he’s just making himself confused around me but when you have the upper hand to show your much stronger, they feel insecure and start to see how it could have been prevented. I’m happier now 🙂 because I can relax in my own quietness and no fighting…or arguing for whatever reason. Accepting it and to learn from it is the best way to move on. Not easy but you show’em what you are made of and that’s courage! 🙂 🙂

            • Strengthrequired

              Teresa, I’m happy for you, finding that inner strength no matter which way it is handed to you is a wonderful thing. You should be proud of yourself, keep holding your head up high, you are the one that has a great future ahead of You. Your h, made his bed, now he has to lie in it.

            • Rachel


              Yay!!! I hear ya, sister!!!

    • Gizella

      Hi, unfortunately my cheating partner committed suicide when I found out that something is going on. I discovered excessive text messages to this person starting early in the morning right through the day. I new it’s was someone from his work as he never left home when he shouldn’t or come home late. When I asked what was going on he blamed the phone company for putting that number on his phone saying he has no idea whose number it is. When I had enough I told him I will go to his boss to find out whose number it is because I know she worked there. Than he immediately told me who it was. He said that he was way over his head in this and she was suicidal. So I sent her a message more or less to say stay away in front of him. After that there was no contact with that woman but he would not admit to anything just kept saying it’s not what you think. So I said tell me what it is so I don’t think what I think it is. But there was no explanation forthcoming. Than we went to our country property we put heaps of money and work into for 14 years and he hung himself overnight rather than admit, explain or apologize. He was still in control and punished me because I had to find him in a place with no-one around and very little phone reception. Three months on I still struggle every day with guilt that I couldn’t stop him and anger because he was the cause of all this. He did the same thing seven years ago except he didn’t kill himself so I say once a cheater always a cheater. Now his family blaming me for being angry with him, I suppose to put him up on a pedestal like an upstanding citizen. Well at the moment I can’t do that I wish I could forgive because that would set me free, but unfortunately at the moment I’m stuck in this emotional vortex and there’s no way out of it.

    • Gizfield

      I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, Gizella. That must be so horrible for you. please dont blame yourself for ANY of this. He chose the path of adultery, not you. it’s very regrettable, but he may have had an undiagnosed mental disorder. It’s different with teens, maybe if they are bullied or something, but I dont think anyone CAUSES another adult to comit suicide. At any rate, I I hope you find peace for yourself.

      • Strengthrequired

        I’m so sorry for your loss and all the pain you are in gizelle too. You can’t blame yourself, not at all. None of this was your fault. I hope you find peace soon.

    • Teresa

      Hi, I came across this site and I was interested in what others had to say….. I found some peace with some of the answers!. I was with my ex for 11yrs and yes there was ups and downs….mainly downs, but I always tried to fixed the problems and always did my best to try and communicate with him when there was something to be talked about. But on his end…he never tried to open up, after being with him for that long I just realized to keep my thoughts to myself and never ask anything. I became depressed…for awhile but I truly loved him. He was my long term relationship. We also have 2 kids and I always dreamt of having a long lasting future with my love.
      That dream came crashing down when one night he just said he fell out of love with me…. and that he wanted us to start seeing other people! Everything just came down hard on me that night. But what he didn’t tell me is that he had already found someone else at his work, so for a full month he was seeing her while coming back to live with us. It was the toughest tihng to do…. My heart was broken and I thought I couldn’t go on. But I slowly started reaching out to my family and friends who became aware of everyting and they supported me through it all! I told him to get out and live somewhere else. He did, and for the sake of the kids I was friendly but not too friendly because I realized just how much he had been a real life jerk towards me and did not care what he did. To put me and the kids thru his fantasy world of lies and thinking that everything was alright wasn’t going to pass by me after I snapped out of my depressing state. It’s been 5 months and I have let go of everything, maybe a part of me misses him but not the whole package. I just miss him… but I don’t trust him anymore. He says that the OW wasn’t what he expected and everything he thought of her was full of lies. I wasn’t surprised at all but yet he was able to admit what he did was wrong. My life is about my kids and my future that I can control. It did hurt a lot…but I have learned the past few months how much pain can turn into something wornderful. Finding myself throughout this process. He sees the kids almost everyday but he does sees me in a different way, which I know makes him wonder. But after being with him for 11yrs I wasn’t completely happy and looking at him doesn’t make me want him back in my life. I’m slowly getting better and I’ve worked hard to where I am today. I wanted to share my story and there is good at the end of the misery and betrayal. You have good people and family along with your kids to stand by you. I’m not 100% but I will get there 🙂

    • SS

      Wow, im glad I found this site. I found out 2 weeks ago today that my wife of 15 years had been cheating on me for 5 weeks. we are 33 years old and the guy was her first kiss @ just 14. She tells me she is in love, he’s her soul mate, will do anything for her, look after her, worships her etc etc and she is so happy! His mother died in August and he messaged my wife 1st Sept on facebook, she went along with, and flirted back. Ive seen all the messages. They must have had a few secret meetings, excitment, passion, romance from being a teenager and so on. I sensed something was wrong and checked her phone, first time ever. I saw some lovey dovey playground messages about being soul mates and sacred spirits and also some sex talk. I confronted her and she didnt deny it. I left the house with our two grown up kids aged 11 + 14. They were crying and understood what their mother had done. She has told me she wants a divorce, wants to remarry and have a new baby with this guy! im shocked totally, we did not have a hollywood romance as lifes daily grind doesnt allow you too easily. she has left our home, the kids, her car, part time job, family and fiends, everything. The messages are pathetic, his bull**it is sickening but she has gone with it. My wife told me i was her best mate and loved me and missed me so much only in July and August this year. I am devastated, i cant sleep properly and am looking after the kids, working, cooking, cleaning, shopping all at the same time. I adore my wife, i dreamt about her andnot other women, i truly love her and to be honest i could forgive her for this. We have been together 15 years, not all happy, but who can genuinly say they are 100% happy. This odd guy has played her, posh meals, hotels, flash car, i hope the excitment and reality hits home very soon and she comes to her senses. Its very irresponsible and selfish, she now says she hates me. I miss her every minute of the day and cant stop thinking about her, i could have been more loving at home and wasnt, i know that. Now im lost without her. Her family have disowned her for the disrespect she has shown to them. Im asking them not to let her down and dont disown her, mistakes happen. Am i being stupid? I would die for my wife, i have worked hard for my family and given her everything i could. I hope she doesnt fall pregnant in this whirlwind period or there could be no going back for us. Im praying she comes to her senses and have read a lot about affairs, and how long they last and so on. The guy is known to have slept with prostitutes and had many women, but she says he told her he hasnt and thats good enough for her! im really scared she is not herself right now. im worried sick and would take her back and leave the country in a heart beat for her and our family. Am i crazy for thinking this? She was won over with flattery and some love you forever messages, i cant belive she has fallen for so much rubbish, he looks like the typical guy she would never look twice at, but says she will do anyting for him. Now what??

      • Holdingon

        I’m facing the same thing, my wife of 23 years has been talking to her first love, they were together about 15 months starting when she was 15, he cheated on her and gave me my chance, we’ve been together since she was 16, he got out of prison and found her on facebook, it’s been hell, look up first love affair, it’s scary. If this guy wants her he’ll have to come and get her. I know violence solves nothing except in war, I’m at defcon 1 or 4 whatever is highest alert. I’ll never let him have her, he is pure trash. Hope she comes back, but they say they bond to their first love when they’re that young.

    • Maya

      I know this is an old thread, but I’m really really hoping I can possibly get some guidance or insight into how I can take on my current issue. About 3-4 weeks ago, my ex broke up with me… He never admitted to having an emotional affair, but I had the gut feeling, there were rumors, my good friends would tell me everything… He tells my friends he’ll tell me when he’s ready; I don’t know who to process this.

      Although this doesn’t seem quite as large in comparison to the long term marriages mentioned within this thread, my ex and I were together for a year and a half and were incredibly in love. We were both going through difficult times over the past four months (me with grad school/work demands and him being a captain of a competitive sports team, he had to focus on bringing the team to victory). We had a mutual friend on the team, a girl a couple years his junior, and she always tried to jump in and help us if we had a minor argument. Then, starting the beginning of January, she stopped talking to me and only started hanging out with him. They’d meet secretly in his apartment to work on supplies for the team, or so he says. She even worked on his uniform do him… A job a girlfriend would do for you. It just seemed like he transfered every girlfriend task to her… And from January onwards, he started seeing me less and less until we saw eachother once a week. He would see this girl every day because of practice. I told him I felt uncomfortable, but he kept saying they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about… Why was I believing the rumors?

      He admitted telling her about all of our relationship problems… I’m feeling like she used that to her advantage and told him that what we had just wasn’t healthy. Due to massive amounts of stress, I’ve snapped at him a couple times… And I’m sure he told her and she told him he didn’t have to put up with it anymore.

      We both loved eachother immensely but he was scared there couldn’t be a future.. We’re from different parts of India and his parents are very old school, wanting his future spouse to be from that region. I tried picking up his language… And he got very excited that I was trying! But then he broke up with me four days later saying we just “weren’t compatible” and that we didn’t “click”. We definitely clicked! How else could we have been together and in love for a solid year (that may seem short term to some, but please do not mock)? Relationships have their ups and downs but you work through them, especially if you love the person…

      We had a fight about a month and a half ago. I said things I didn’t mean and he reacted in ways that he didn’t mean. He was hurt and so was I… I did my very best to rectify it. Through my busy schedule, I still cooked him dinner, tried to help with any team things I could, try to meet up to just hang out… He just wouldn’t have it. He said he needed time to work on the team stuff… But then I learned that he would lie about hanging out with the other girl…

      The week before he broke up with me, he told me that he loved me so incredibly, that I made him feel like home… Something he hasn’t felt with anyone besides his immediate family. He told me all these wonderful things, like he couldn’t let go of me… He said when we’re together, he feels like nothing else matters because everything has finally quieted down and he’s happy. Four days later, he calls me and says he talked to his mom for a couple hours and we are “not compatible”. That these issues have been going on for a long time and that we just don’t work well together. I now wonder if he was talking to his mom or that other girl…

      It’s been 1.5 weeks of no contact. They had a cross country competition this past weekend and it made me so completely nauseous and disgusted to hear of all of the things that could have happened… That were happening now that he has left. He told my friend that the girl knows it’s not long term because she’s not from that part of India either… But he also told my friend that he still loves me and cares for me… That he just wants me to be happy

      I guess I understand how to process this. He loved me with all his heart, said I made him feel like home, then 4 days later he got extremely cold and emotionless, saying that we should not speak to eachother for a while and that he needs to get rid of the emotions he feels for me because the place we are in is just not healthy. He cared for me when he broke up with me… He loved me. But he did start the emotional affair at the beginning of this year… I understand that I was not in the best place to provide the best support, but I love him with all my heart and I would do anything to be there and be his support. It is a gut-wrenching feeling, to see the man you love transfer his feelings for you onto another girl, after only being distant for 2 months. I’ve been going to yoga classes, taking hikes and going to the beach, in order to get myself back, the girl I was before the relationship, the girl he fell in love with. I’m trying to be a better person for myself…. But at the same time, what I want more than anything is for him to realize what a horrible mistake he’s made and come back. Do you think that’s possible? I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I know he’s never felt this way about anyone else either… Or so he said. He told my friend that he cares for me and loves me but he likes the fact that there’s no stress now… I don’t know how to process that.

      Do you think he will come around? I know I need to focus on me right now, but when you see the one you love trying to squash all feeling they have for you and transfer them onto someone who just… Shouldn’t be there, it makes you physically and emotionally sick. I feel like he needed validation, that he needed me to be there to tell him that he’s great… I guess wasn’t there for him during those two months, because of school and work? But I really did try! I guess it was no match when compared to a girl who follows him around everywhere, tells him how great he is constantly, and does everything he wants like a little puppy dog. How do you forget the immense love you share with someone just for an ego boost? I understand that he was feeling vulnerable and it sickens me to the core to know that I wasn’t there when he needed me most, but I know I could be if given the chance. I don’t understand how he could make this move… He’s such a loving boy. I don’t know why he is behaving so cruely, but I want nothing else but for him to feel remorse, to regret making the decision, and for him to come back… Would this be possible?

      Please help!! Thank you!

      • Maya

        Oh, in addition, when he was breaking up with me, I asked if it was whether he just felt he needed to be single for a while and figure himself out on his own. I told him that if this was the case, I would understand. This is just fact for some people. He said this wasn’t the case… We just didn’t “click”. This is just so completely false… So I do not understand.

        • Maya

          Sorry, but another thing… It takes me a little while to warm up and talk to people. When he was talking about how things couldn’t work for us, he’d say things like,” well, ‘my friend’ doesn’t have a problem doing this…” But then he’d stop himself and say that’s not the point. He’s making all of these comparisons in his head and I’m just not adding up… For some reason, he thinks this girl is worth throwing away this loving relationship and I have no idea why or how to change this! It’s so infuriating

          Finally, my friend confronted him directly and asked if anything was happening between them. He denied it but also made it seem like there was something.. Not a real relationship but on the cusp of becoming one. She told him that I have the right to know, that he owes me a conversation. He said that I already pretty much knew… Because I did assume with all of the clues. But he never told me on his own. When we broke up, he said when I was doing all these sweet things for him, he would feel incredibly guilty because he wrote our relationship off as something that couldn’t and just wouldn’t last… That it was “unhealthy” and that we were “incompatible”. How do to get someone to realize his is not the case? How can you get back the man who loves you so very very much?

          • Blue

            Maya: He doesn’t love you enough to commit to only you. He’s not ready to commit to you and you can’t force him to feel something he doesn’t. I ‘think’ you should step away, but you will grieve. I think we get this thing in our heads that we can’t live without someone, especially when they seem to be able to give us up. I think it’s our ego’s that hurt and make us feel this way. I always wonder this about myself, is it my ego? fear that I might not fill the space in my heart where he once was? jealousy that he can replace me? I don’t know.

            Fill the spot in your life where you spent time with him, doing charity work or something that makes you feel good about yourself. You won’t instantly feel great because a broken heart takes time to heal. And one more thing: take him off that pedestal you have him on. Put someone on a pedestal that cherishes and respects YOU!

            • Maya


              Thank you so much for being frank and to the point; that’s really just what I need. I keep floundering between letting go and holding onto some last shred of hope… I guess I keep holding onto the things he said rather than the things he does. You’re definitely right about the fear, ego, and jealousy. I do get worried that I won’t find someone who will make me feel the same way, who will show me so much love, in the future. I’m humiliated that someone could do this to me… And how the other girl thinks she’s won in this battle. I’m jealous… I put all my effort into that boy and he gave it all to someone else.

              You’re right, I need to take him off the pedestal and only put up someone that deserves to be placed there. Even though he made me feel truly whole, no one deserves this pain. I guess I keep hoping he’s in the “fog”, which I’ve read so much about… That someday he’ll come out and realize what he’s done. But now I’m losing hope… Again, I’m floundering. My head and heart are pulling at opposite directions. I know I deserve better, but will he wake up and realize his mistake? Or is he truly gone? 2 weeks of no contact..

        • Tony s

          Dear Maya, right now this feels like the end of the world I bet. Difficulty sleeping, eating, seeing people, working etc. emotions really affect us and it’s very hard to deal with, my only advice is, look after yourself, you will become stronger and it gets better. When people would say that to me I would be like ..,really, when? But it does. Some people are not worth it. And if he realises one day, it might be too late becuase you may have moved on. You need a massive hug from family or a friend. Look after yourself

          • Maya

            Tony S:

            Thank you very much for your thoughts and well wishes! You’re so right about all of the feelings… It’s hard to function normally on any platform. But you’re right, it will get better and I need to keep reminding myself that. I think I keep trying to search for answers because I never received any.. But in the end, it really just doesn’t make anything better… In the end, it happened and I don’t know what will happen in the future. Have to focus on the present and appreciate all that I do have. Karma.

    • Tony s

      Six months ago my wife left me and our kids, she cheated with some guy she knew when she was 16. A lot if the things ive read are so true, he created an image of being a perfect guy to her, used all of our personal info to make himself look the number one guy. I was devastated because I loved her more than anything. Now six months on, I don’t care what happens to her, she cheated and I would not take her back. If they can do it once who says they would not again. I now think people like that are not worth having in your life, it takes a long time, for me six months, but you will feel better, stronger, positive at some point. I agree with the six reasons….it has to become reality one day! But now I think….good, let it end. Let her see what she lost forever…for me karma exists, and what comes around goes around. People who prey on or steal or entice another when they are in a relationship are low calibre humans, who will always be low class. Leave them too it. If you have list someone, it hurts bad I know, but it does get better. Be thankful for what you have and don’t worry about what you don’t have.

      • Maya

        I’m so so sorry to hear about everything that has happened, Tony S 🙁 it is really great that you were able to come out of it stronger and more confidant/positive afterwards! Looking forward to the day I can say the same… What goes around does come around and I do hope these betrayers do see the error of their ways. The fantasy bubble has to pop eventually!

    • tony s

      Exactly Maya, the bubble Will probably burst. One day you Just get over it and think back What was all the crying and not sleeping for! Some ppl are not worth Our love and care. Its sad but you Will get over it, i reckon six months, buy some new clothes, work out, look better feel better, you are What you want to be. Your ex Will realise one day, and it Might be too late, Three months ago i would have done anything to get my Wife back.but now I Could not care less!! Maya Is a great name too! Good luck with it all. Keep positive people around you. Dont stay on your own. You will do it.

    • Kaycee

      Well I think I’ve found a group that can help. Married 20 years, 2 great kids, he was my best friend and we did everything together (obviously I guess not enough) we traveled together and with the kids, we enjoy the same activities etc. Noble, honest hard working man. So out of character for him BUT you guessed it girlfriend for over a year and honestly I didn’t know! When would he have time? Why we have so much fun together? Guess I wasn’t enough! Now a week after I told him to leave he’s living with her and I am left to try and answer my kids questions (18 and 15) when I don’t have a clue why he would do this to us!! SO I guess how do you move on? I can’t eat, sleep breath and I’m left to be strong for my kids!!! Yep I’m one of the wives that thinks he will be one of the 10% that will make it and I just don’t want her around my kids ever! I want him to feel 1/2 the pain I feel!

      • Tony s

        Hi Kaycee, firstly sorry to hear about this. I’ve been through the same ordeal with my ex wife. And if my words help a tiny bit then that’s good. Some things just happen, some people are bad, selfish and cruel. I was in your place, waking up crying, looking at my kids asleep, asking questions, thinking I still live her, I want her back I will forgive, it’s a mistake, a mid life crisis…all of those things….time helps I swear it does. A good friend told me one day you just stop caring about them, and you will be fine, you need to do this on your own, not have people tell you to move on etc. decide yourself when you are ready, you will know….and all of a sudden you will feel better Nd think why was I so broken and sad six months ago? I could not believe it either, would have done anything for her…not anymore, and I bet you will be same…your kids will see what happened too, they are old enough. 20 years…very sad. Keep good friends around you, talk about it, cry, don’t bottle it up, see a counsoller it really helps, after four hours with a counsoller I felt like a different person, what goes around comes around and if one day he wants to come back becuase…you choose….good luck, you need a hug, hug your kids, I hope you feel better soon. Take care.

    • Kaycee

      Thanks Tony! I’m shattered right now and thank you for letting me at least read that this pain does fade some day. It’s been a week since I found out and he left only to find he’s living with her. All just knives in my heart but I have to pray and try to be strong. Thanks again!

      • Maya


        I am so incredibly sorry to hear 🙁 hang in there! Definitely surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally, whether they be friends or family. It may not seem like it will make a difference, but it definitely does! Remember that you are a wonderful person and his act is a reflection of him (whether it be an insecurity of his, a mistake, or a true vision of who he is as a person). Surround yourself with those who truly love you for simply being you and the pain will slowly release. I truly believe that the bubble will burst. That’s what I hope for myself anyway, every day. Please do take care of yourself!!

      • Belit

        Eventually all the deceit, the lies, the betrayals will erode the love you feel for your cheating partner. No matter how much you love them you realize that the person you loved was just in your mind since they turned out to be someone entirely different. Moreover, you have to accept the fact that no one who truly loves you and respects you will never cause you the kind of pain or that irreparable harm. I say irreparable because even if you stay together it will never, ever be the same and you will never look at them in the same way again. Cheaters, for the most part, lack empathy, remorse, and compassion. The feel entitled to have it all! Worst scum on planet!

    • kaycee

      I’m just lost!!! Tonight I sit with my 2 kids while he sits with Her. I just this to go away. It hurts so bad!!! Just not fair!!! I have great family and friends and 2 amazing kids so I know it will get easier but I can’t get past he’s with her.

    • tony s

      Dont worry too much, try not to anyway. I did that for about three months. And I still loved my wife and it killed me. if you can, go and buy some new clothes today, wear them, you will feel better. Cry anytime you want to, get it out, you just watch…ive since heard of my ex…her paradise isn’t paradise! Just like others have said. Reality kicks in, you still need to work, clean, shop, you have bad days at work, bad moods, it’s not all fancy dinners, dates and hotels! you Will look back in six months and think Why did i waste my time being upset. I hope my words help you, somebody really helped me at the time, and it does get better

    • Kaycee

      Thank you Tony!!! I appreciate it. It’s nice to hear from someone that’s gone through it and understands!

    • Rachel

      Nice words, Tony S.

    • tony s

      Thanks, this site helped me a lot. I wanted it to be over for her so fast, but now i dont care. my kids love me, were closer than ever, Im a better father brother son friend, i appreciate life more, i look at things differently, i can use a washing machine! you eventually wont care What they Are doin. And thats a Great feeling. Thé Other thing….millions have been Here before us….you Might meet someone who treats you like a lady And Is à réal partner. Stick with it. Cheats….pathetic. M’y Only comment Is if you think your relationship Is over..end it…then start a new one, dont cheat and cause pain that Is already bad enough. Take care..Théres some words i read that make it all clear, i Will find them and post on here, once you read it you Will feel différent i promise

    • Maya

      So, I have a bit of an update and was hoping to gain some insight as well. (You all have been so helpful!)

      My ex-boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago and three weeks ago had requested for no contact. He has since been constantly together with the OW. I have been sticking to no contact, as I believed it was best for me to respect his wishes (even though he chose not to respect me, I am aware). I also felt it would be best for me to heal as well. Thanks to some great advice, I sent him a letter last week breaking down the truth of the situation and telling him that I am ready to let him go and that I will be fine, regardless of what his final decision may be. It was extremely cathartic.

      Yesterday, a friend of mine had tried out for a position on the team that my ex was heading and unfortunately did not make the cut. I contacted him to make sure the decision was not based off of her affiliation with me, because she truly is a gifted team member. He said that it was not, and expressed well wishes towards me twice in the short time span of our conversation. I did not address those wishes, but kept the conversation short and sweet.

      I don’t know if I am over-thinking this now, but are the well wishes a good sign or a sign that he simply feels guilty about how he treated me? I do believe he is still well enveloped in the affair fog and it will take a while for him to get out. I’m doing all that I can to stay busy and engaged in my own activities, to truly grow as a person. I guess I’m trying to wait out the fog while growing towards becoming the best version of myself… at least i’m starting to get my self respect back (maybe I won’t even care about him after all of this). But one conversation with this kid and it’s like i’ve taken 3 steps back. Do you think the wishes are a good sign/abnormal? Or is this simply part of the normal flow of an EA and there’s still a ways to go with minimal hope?

    • tony s

      Stay away from him, easy for me to say, but i really think a few months sorting yourself out, time for you Is fantastic. you Will feel brand new in six months, solid as a rock and you really wont y care about the guy, his feelings or anything and that is a Great feeling! I had it today! My ex now back at her parents and trying to be Nice to see the kids she abandoned for her affair…in a two minute conversation she told me twice she Is back with her folks and had been for ages….I Could not care less…stick with it, get Rid of the pics, store them if you really Want, but it works..good luck! you Will look back on this one day,

    • kaycee

      My husband still wants to help around the house, be nice to me, get through the divorce “civil” and carry on like his affair is ok. Did I mention he’s living with her? Taking weekend get aways ? Seriously!!!! Ugh!!! 20 years of marriage, he has an affair and I have to take the high road for my kids?!?! This sucks!!!!

      • Rachel

        My ex wanted to do the same. I told him get out. My boys did too.
        He made a choice. And not a good one.
        He recently wanted to come to my house to help my son with his car. Feels I should allow it. If he enters my driveway the policy will be called.
        He got his way for too many years. I’m in charge now!
        You do have to take the high road and it’s tough , but you will get thru it. And in the long run you will be ok as well as your kids.
        My ex left me because he wasn’t emotionally connected to me ( and he was having an affair with his ex girlfriend from when he was 20. He was 50 mid life crisis).
        Wanted me back when his father was on his death bed. I said no.
        Saw him at a wedding of our couple friends daughter . He sat no smile and depressed.
        I on the other hand was dancing all night, and having a wonderful time and a smile that wasn’t fake. I had a blast!
        Keep a smile on your face and hope in your heart. And hold your head high.
        Remember it is the ex’s with the problem. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
        And remember karma!
        Good luck and keep us posted on this blog how you are doing.
        This is a wonderful place for support and guidance. I would have been lost without this site.

        Good luck kaycee

        • Rachel

          *police not policy . Ugh auto correct!

        • Sam

          Sounds like my dad’s situation at the moment… @kaycee: is your ex still with the OW?

    • Gardil

      Married 29 Years working very hard on trying to save marriage she now is having an affair .She hangs out with much younger men after work coming home late .I am trying to give her all she wants .All started 4Years ago after sudden death of farther .

    • Gardil

      She is always lying to me I am having a very hard time to keep it together for my kids .She is comming home late or not at all till the next morning will it ever stop so our life can get back to normal agan I have so much love to give .

    • Ro

      I Shared my story on a diferent topic but i see a lot of support from others here so i would like to share my situation here again

      10yrs of marriage and 6 yr old son, both in our 30ish, like any other marriage we have our ups and downs i am a passive loving guy that always sees the positive on everything, she is more aggresive type that we always said that was our balance, as she got a better job our financial situation got better and she gain more financial freedom no problem there, about a yr ago she started to instagram and snapchat a life of a single girl and her facebook was for the family she claim, i was ok we trusted each other 100%, i thought that was some sort of outlet for her, she got breast implants we both went to the gym, she started to gain more attention on social media, she met this single guy on instagram live 5 hours away txt each other for about 6 months i ignore the signs she was always on her phone, a month ago they meet and she cheated came back home and she came clean, i was debasted rough week, she was clear that she wanted to continue the A, she said she cares about me just not in love, she drove again the following weekend, came back and we agreed she needed to move out, i told her to be prepared for at 1000 month expense, at that point she rethink everything and suggested that for financial reason to stay (i admit she helps financially at home we have our debts) she said she would do all her wife duties and OP would be just for fun she claim she likes the conversation and places he takes her but thats it no feelings, the OP doesnt know we stayed together, so if she was willing to give up her family and she didnt love anymore why now she said she still love me and has no problem staying, this is crazy i rethink this and i dont like anymore i feel like her babysitter, when she is aways she doesnt call to check on our kid and always come back late and never when we agreed, that breaks my hart, i now see that they are catching feeling, they txt constantly and are plaining a 3 day vacation, she ask me yo go out and date if i wanted to, i have no head for that and i dont want to be in this situation i only agreed base on other websites to fight for my marriage, right now my son and i are not her priority, she re assure me there are no feelings but i know she is not telling me the thrut, problem is i now see her more attractive after they are done txting she goes to bed and want to have sex with me i had gave in at time (still love her) its hard my family desnt know anything. So thats my life now i want to end this agony i dont want to be the one to ask her to leave, my son breaks my hart!! And to ad something about this when i met her her dad had just left her mother for another women and she and her family suffer alot so she know the feeling and yet she did it to me and our son

    • Sam

      My dad is recently had an affair with a woman who lives in our rented propety. It began when he started drinking for hours in the pub, sometimes he could be in there 12 hours (I think he definatly has a drinking problem).
      I have Aspergers, my grandmother has dementia (his mother), and my mum has MS… he said that these things are not the reason why he had an affair and is leaving us; but deep down I think it is. He always runs away from problems, never ever faces them.
      She is literally the scum of the earth, works in a fish and chip shop (possibly claiming benefits) at the same time. She’s very manipulative, saying to him that “oh, they’ll come round in time”… which I don’t think I (myself) ever will if it lasts (which I have high doubts, based on the statistics and stories told on here). They have very little in common, he complains that they are dirty, don’t respect anything, she is an alcoholic, doesn’t clean, iron or cook. They just drink themselves senceless. when he first moved out, he came back crying his eyes out saying if he had to go back to live (with her and family) again he’d commit suicide. He’s contemplated suicide/killing himself twice now, once being with her and once later when my mum let him back. I think he sas Bipolar, one minute he’s happy, and then depressed. He’s been married to my mum for 28 years and said the reason he is leaving is because he is bored (a pathetic excuse, IMO). He’s had this done to him before with his dad who left him when he was 13, and his friends said it effected him quite badly.
      Personally I cannot see it working in the long term; they come from different social class backgrounds, she’s lower, and him (us) semi-middle class, their is quite an age differance, eight years, he’s 54, she’s 46. He conplained to my mum the other day that someone had tried to get into his bank account, when I think it was them (her), TBH. I just feel that she’s in this for the money, nothing more, nothing less. He says that he’s infatuated by her (“obsessed” in his words). I just can’t start to get how someone can throw away a marriage of 28 (nearly 30) year, two sons, a wife, family and friends over a women he’s just known for about six months. I’m expecting it to end, and badly.

      Please help, what do you think the outcome will be?

      • Karen

        Sam, it’s very hard to know what the outcome will be but I can tell you what happened with my dad. He had an affair with someone 10 years younger than him, when I was 9 (I’m the youngest of 3). He and my mom had been married 17 years, high school sweethearts. My mom found out in February, he moved out in May, and married his AP in Dec. Six or seven years later she divorced him (she felt she couldn’t trust him – imagine that!) and he went bankrupt. I have no way to know for sure because he refused to talk about it and he died years ago, but he never liked to spend money, and I’m as sure as I can be that he went bankrupt trying to keep her happy.
        So despite everyone around them can clearly see they’re doing something really stupid, some people really do throw their lives away in this manner…

        And now my husband is having an affair with someone 30 years younger than him. He’s 52 and she’s 22. She said she wanted to be friends with both of us at the same time she was asking him to do things that only a boyfriend would do, and he happily agreed, claiming she was the daughter he never had (we have no children). We met her one day travelling in China (she’s Chinese) in August 2016, and they stayed in touch online (so he could help her with her Spanish, which she was studying, and he’s Spanish) until in April 2017 I found out they were in love and he wanted a divorce. I’d like to be the safe space for my marriage… this is a relationship that I wouldn’t expect to last, even if it wasn’t an affair. But we don’t have a lot of the community to put pressure on him, that other people mention. No children, both of my parents are dead, both of his parents are dead. My family all lives in the States, and H isn’t very close to them. His brother lives nearby, but H says he doesn’t care what he thinks (and he doesn’t know yet. Personally I don’t think he’ll care much.) All our friends are really my friends – he’ll just never see them again, after we tell them.

        I can’t kick him out, as the house is in his name entirely. So he’s had an affair, and I’m getting kicked out. I was on unemployment when I found out – fortunately I’ve found a job since then, and make enough to live on, barely.

        There is one thing. It’s always been up to me to arrange our social life, and Christmas is coming up. H has told me I can live with him, free room and board, until the OW moves here which is theoretically planned in Sept. 2018, although she’s very on and off about that… Don’t really blame her, moving halfway across the world to be with someone you’ve never seen in real life situations, with his friends/family etc., has got to be scary, and she’s never even been out of a small area of China. She’ll never even have visited here first. Plus her parents don’t approve (big surprise there). I’ve heard H telling her they don’t really love her because they have different plans for her life than she does…

        I’m in the middle of getting citizenship here (I’m legal to live and work, but citizenship would make my life substantially easier if I end up leaving the country and moving to another place in the EU) and it will be far easier if I can remain on his bank account as the government wants proof you won’t be a burden on the state…
        Well, it’s complicated, but I know it’s time for me to start working on boundaries and be willing to move out of my home of the last 20 years because that’s the only card I have to play.

        I didn’t know you were supposed to change yourself after finding out about an affair, but I did. He said at one point, “I didn’t know you were going to do everything I wanted after I told you I wanted a divorce!” Well, I haven’t done everything he wanted, but there were three relatively big things.

        And he said if she never moves here, I can stay living with him, just not as his wife.
        I read a couple people say they’ve been the cheater and they’ve been cheated on, and they’d rather be cheated on, as being the cheater hurts more… I can’t believe a word of it. He’s happy and in love, living out every middle-aged guy’s fantasy with a much younger girlfriend. She asked him for €20,000 to help her leave China (which seems to be legit, it’s needed for the Spanish embassy to give a Spanish visa, and her parents wouldn’t give it to her), and he sent her it. She wants to come here to get a masters, then a Ph.D. He’s offered to marry her so she can come here legally more easily but so far she’s refused.

        I can easily imagine that until she comes here, and they actually have to engage in real life together, the fantasy will continue and the bubble won’t burst. Meanwhile, they’re in audio/video contact almost every second of every day because “his voice calms her and makes her feel safe.” That includes all night (6 or 7 hour time difference, depending on the season). At first he complained a little about her neediness, but not anymore.

        It’s been 7 months since I found out, and my emotions are still all over the place. We’re living as roommates, and he still brings up inside jokes, memories… Sometimes I’m so angry at him I can’t imagine ever wanting him back, and an hour later I’m thinking his face has been dear to me for so long, how can I just give up on us?

        We’ve been together longer than this girl has been alive. And come to find out, her dad cheated on her mom when she was little, although they didn’t get divorced. So she “feels bad,” and cries and gets depressed thinking about her role in all this. Didn’t stop her going after a married man, though.

        What I need is to be ready for whatever comes, strong in myself and not willing to put up with crap. My question is. 1) We haven’t told friends/relatives. We could pretend to have a normal Christmas. If I don’t include him, I’ll have to tell them, as there’s no excuse we could make up that would work. In your opinion, should I bust this wide open? I’ve been reluctant to because I’ve read that friends/family can have trouble accepting if the couple gets back together. He’s been reluctant to for his own reasons, which I can only imagine.

        Also, could anyone recommend books/courses? I’ve read “When Sorry isn’t Enough,” which I hope will be valuable at some point in the future… Thanks for any comments!

    • Tran

      Its just so hard to know that the man you once knew loved you could change so fast. I am heart broken and don’t know how to let go of the anger as he has chosen to be with the girl he met in just 4 days. They live across the world from each other and a vacation became a fantasy. I just want to know when that fantasy will end. He has moved on so fast. He is in a relationship with the girl and he has disregarded all his family and the idea of reality. He is so lost and I have no hope. The only thing I hold onto is hoping he regrets it and that he remembers us one day…but I also know that one day may never come..

      • Strengthrequired

        Tran, have a read of some of the blogs here. There are so many you can look at. Also read the posts from others here, and you will see, we all felt it was useless. Most are still married, some have found a life without their cheating spouse, but are in a better place also. My point is, although you feel it is all so hopeless, the heartache is so painful, you have come to the right place for support. We know how you feel, and by reading these blogs, you can find ways to help you, and information that can give you hope. You get to see the affairs for what they really are, and you will see how most don’t last.
        Read about the 180 too, many have found it useful.
        May I ask, is your ch still living with you, or has he moved to be with the ow?

    • Doug

      This comment was sent to our email address by mistake:

      You should write an article about “the Affair Partner eventually resenting the Other Woman” eventually… that is if you haven’t written one –
      Relationships that grow out of affairs can leave you open to future blame.

      Sometimes, it happens. A man in his forties or fifties, say, meets a vibrant young woman in her twenties who is attracted to him and entices him with a chance to recapture his youth and feel virile again. They begin an affair, which the man thinks he can pull off without his wife of twenty-five years ever knowing about. But soon after the affair begins, the young woman starts pressuring the man for a commitment – she insists, in short, that he leave his wife and marry her. The man is either smitten with her or feels guilty about having created this mess; or else the young woman forces the situation by confronting the man’s wife. Either way, the man goes through a lengthy and costly divorce, upsets his family and the routine of his life, and begins a new, more “respectable” relationship with his lover……

      by Sam 0091

    • Steph

      In need of honest truth.
      I am in a very confusing situation and I don’t know where to turn.
      My husband of 7 years together 14. He is 50 in February and I just turned 40. He has a son 18 from first marriage. They divorced has she had a affair and to this day she still is with him.
      We have a daughter age 9.
      Now back in january he left me. Saying he need his space to think about our marriage and this other woman he said he had some kind of feelings for but didn’t know what kind. So he rented a flat with his son. Because of that I never thought that he lied about that . 5 weeks ago I find out this other woman was living with them. So they been living as a couple that long.
      Obviously he lied to her as well. Saying I knew and we don’t talk divorce as I didn’t want to and didn’t want to let him go. All those are lies. And theee is more.
      As to me he was saying he doesn’t want to talk divorce because we still got a chance and still got strong feelings for me.
      Now that her and I find out about each other he choose her.
      Even so he lied to her she believes he doesn’t anymore because she is using me. She will say to him that she will contact me to find out the truth.
      She said to me that she will trust him because she WANT TO and because she HAS to. To me that mean she still doesn’t. She keep saying to me like i care that she is looking forward and the lies are un the past. Ahaha
      I also know she think she is safe because they go to work together, work together,has lunch together and lives together. Basically they do everything together.
      Because of his lies he can’t even have a alone time with our daughter which is hurtful as I know my daughter need that time.
      Saying that I know he lied to her still and hasn’t told her the while truth.
      He still texts me and emails me and calls me then deletes the logs so she won’t see that. He also texts a lot to me about the fact that she is upset and how tired he is cuz she keep waking him uo to ask questions. He also told me he is always walking on egg shelves around her.and tbat when people are around all look ok but once they are gone she gives him silence and mood.
      Now the confuse part for me. He still say to me I am his best friend and soulmate and we are connected. And that he still cares and has feelings for me. Now what feelings I don’t know.
      I also asked him why he was saying we can make it throught and be better and stronger than that when he was already living with her. He said because he meant it and believed it. So asked him why not giving us that chance and remove her from the picture so we could work at it. He said he doesn’t know. He also saying that being with her if a mistake then it’s his mistake to make???whatever that mean.
      He also let her call him michael which in all the years together no friends and family ever call him that as he hates it. So why her?? New persona?? Same with clothes she buys them all and so differents from what he use to wear and like. All brand stuff which he hates as to much look at me. But he let her.????
      Now if in love with her why keep lying/hidding things??
      He said that once he is on better ground with her as things are a bit shaky right now because of his lies he will introduce the fact I am his friend to her and believe she will accept it. Really???talk about living in dream land. I know she won’t. He also said if she doesnt and ask him to stop friendship then if they have to break up over it so be it that our friendship is that important.Now i know that might be just words.

      Now I know my emotions are all over the place so to be honest right now yes I would have him back. Might different in 6 months time.

      I also got this dreadful feeling that he is making the biggest mistake he has ever made.
      I believe we can still have that stronger and better. But like I said might be different later.

      I need to understand what all this mean. The texts me and hidding it to her???

      I know he lied to his dad about when they meet so neither of them are seen as a bad guys. Which to me come as they are still living a lie as neither of them are facing the truth.

      What does he mean about his feelings and best friends?I know it might be just that. But still a bit confused.

      What about hidding the texting??
      Why doesn’t he want to talk divorce??he said to much to sort out with her before we can talk about it??

      And can they last? Can they have a true relationship?
      She keep texting me to move on. Is that because she feel treaten by me in some way and if I move on then she is safe with him???

      Can you please give me some insight into all this???
      I am trying to get on with my life with my daughter but everytime I start it feel like I am being pulled back in by them. Her texting move on and is he telling the truth.
      By him when he says I don’t want to talk divorce right now and you are my best friend and soulmate and care a lot about you???

      Just don’t know where or what to do. Or even if there is a chance still to save marriage.
      Just so confused.

    • E&E915

      I come to you all for much needed advise…
      He left our family right after I called him out on the affair. They were together all of 3/4 months. She was married too. I told her husband who wasn’t surprised at all since it was her 4th or 5th one that he knew of and immediately filed for divorce. It has now been 5 months since he’s left and he is pursuing divorce and I believe they may be living together. It all came as a complete shock. We were that couple that ppl wanted to be 43 yrs old and together since we were 18. Obviously there were problems, no one does these things because they’re “happy” I get it, but still loving to one another everyday. I know he was way overworked and one of our two boys are on the spectrum which I believe he’s always had a difficult time fully accepting. He’s my best friend and the love of my life… He even told me the same thing just two days before I caught him. They haven’t gone public yet, but I know more details than I should. They call each other, seriously like 25 times a day. Why would you fall in love with someone of her history? A serial cheater.. Is this real? Or is he just fully committed to her so he doesn’t have to think about what he’s done to us and our kids? They say they love each other, after just 2 months?? Really? Sorry I’m just heartbroken, but I won’t beg him. I know I’m a good woman. I guess he doesn’t think that… Thoughts please. Thank you.

    • Mike

      My wife left me after 21yrs and told me the day before my birthday. I have MS and this is why she left me because I can’t do the things I once did. She’s going thru a midlife crisis and only I can see it because we’ve been together for so long. She’s left her job of 20yrs and our son. She’s having a break down and the guy she’s seeing says he wants to marry her,yet he’s been married three time before. Do I want her back? Could I ever trust her again? Keep in mind she’s 41 and while with him,dresses and acts like a teenager. Is this going to last? Am I on stand by?

    • howcouldhedothis

      Ive also come for some insight because, although there are a lot of similarities, my story isn’t the same as anybody else’s ive found.
      I am the BS (although we were not married). We had a relationship that lasted 14 years and have 2 children aged 9 and 4. He is 45, I am 34 and AP is 26.
      Problems started around the same time I had my 4 year old. His midlife crisis also started then,ge started his own business and we had a hard time with his dad having cancer twice then bring jailed (his dad was estranged until recently so this hit him hard). We gave really struggled for the past year and I told him on occasion I didn’t need him.
      In December of last year, it felt like he engineered a row (he stayed out until the early hours of the morning). I kicked him out. He came and collected his things the day after. I didn’t know anything about OW then (although I knew something was going to happen as he said she reminded him of me when we first got together). There has been no dialogue between us apart from a couple of times, once me asking him to come home but ive not done the crazy ex thing. I thought he needed to sulk then would be back.
      He came to see the kids Christmas performances with me and came for Christmas dinner (more for them than him) and I’ve not got anything from him.
      He makes up little excuses to get in touch with me (in the past couple of days, its been about wanting to see the kids even though he knew he was busy, he wanted to see the dog, he wanted to know if I had his spare car key). Ive gone no contact so I only speak to him about the children.
      He has not admitted the affair to me and has gone to great lengths to keep it from me (has threatened people who have put it on social media, have told his family who all know about it that he will be finished with them if they tell me). In the meantime, I am dealing with the children and the reality of his actions whilst hes burying his head in a new relationship.
      They are not living together. She was someone I considered a friend and has already met my children. She has an ex who she was with for 8 years and who she has 3 children to (they are always on and off and their relationship never seems to die). Ex has said to people he will not live with her and he already wants her to change (she’s a die hard party girl and very flirtatious) and she has said he can take it or leave it but she isn’t changing. She has also, even at the tender age of 26 with an 8 year relationship under her belt, got a reputation as a home wrecker.
      I want to know how likely this relationship is to fizzle and die and, even if it does, considering how things are between me and ex, if he is likely to return.
      I know its stupid to want him back but hes not in his right frame of mind with things that we’ve had to go through and having an identity crisis. I know there were problems between us but nothing that couldn’t be fixed with talking and tine together. Hes blown my world apart

    • Lisa

      This was a good read for me. My husband of only 6 months (after 5 years together happily) began an affair. When I found out he left. Since then he has down played their relationship to me but refuses to end it. He knows it won’t last, he can’t introduce her to friends, family or work place. She had also left a husband and 2 children behind.
      He tells me that he does not even like her kids, yet he seems to spend a lot of time with her when the kids are away.
      I’ve come to realize he lies constantly and don’t know what to believe.
      From where I stand their relationship is doomed. Not only did he cheat but so did she. On top of how he describes their relationship compared to how she does it looks like a disaster waiting to happen. However as the spouse you always seems to feel like what if they’re meant to be. Heartbreaking

    • Mary

      My partner of 6 year has been having a affair for 6 months now I found out at xmas, he told me most off that happen & what going on but refuse to leave her, we have two small kids. I love him very much & know I been pushing him into her arm, so I decide 2 stop the row try & get along etc. Should I just let it play out. He claims he confused doesn’t know what 2 do, told him I can’t wait forever. I feel he afraid that if he leave there no coming back.

    • Ana

      Happy to have found this site. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married 8. No kids, but we had plans of having some. I found out 2 years ago that he was talking to a girl he off and on dated when he was 16. I told him I didn’t like him having any type of relationship with this girl and he said he would stop. Then 6 months later I found out he was doing it again, this time the girls husband because she was married at the time tried to reach out to me. I didn’t want to believe that any of this was true, so I ignored him. In my gut I knew there was more than just a friendship here, so I told my husband to be honest with me. I even suggested counseling and brought books home. He didn’t want any part of it, so i started planning weekend getaways with him and tried to spend more time together. I was slowly was running out of ideas and he said he was no longer talking to this women. Now 2 years since the first incident I come to find out that they have been talking and physically having an affair for the past year. I was devastated and humiliated because he didn’t fess up to it, I had to find out on my own. I contacted her and she was willing to come forward and confront him. As I stood there she told him why he has said we were getting a divorce when that was obviously not the case and why did he say he wanted to start a family with her if he was not really going to leave me. Even after he kept telling her that he felt sorry for me and that I was such a kind person that he didn’t want to hurt me. She said I might be pregnant and you are still here with her, I was in shock and pain. I felt like my entire world had fallen apart and I was in a terrible nightmare. I just looked at him straight in the face and said you slept with her and had sex with her? He looked ashamed and said finally YES. After she left he came in the house, cried, begged, for another opportunity. After I had given him plenty to end this and I had told him to stop whatever was going on. I said no I cant even begin to explain how hurt and betrayed i feel right now. I gave myself a few days to process the entire situation. He suggested linking our phones through the cloud and adding gps, but then said no I don’t think that’s the solution. You will become obsessed with checking on me and any little thing will start a fight. In my head this was another red flag that he was not ready to move on. Then I suggested couples therapy and he said yes. He showed up and it was a great session, but I still feel like he might go back. So I told him I need space and time to see if I can move passed this. That seeing him at home everyday is painful and I am feeling sick to my stomach just thinking of his betrayal and disloyalty. He can see how much this has affected me and we both agree that I need time apart and our relationship needs time to heal from this huge hit. He plans on moving out so we can both have time to think and figure out our feelings. He tells me he wants me and wants to be with me forever, that he is done with what happened and is ready to move on with our marriage. That he never planned to leaving me, because although we have a lot of years together he also recognizes that we don’t have material things or children that keep us together. That the only thing that kept him coming back home and being with me was he love for me. That he knows he screwed up and that he wants to do the right thing this time around. I want to believe him again, but I am so terribly hurt that I cant right now. I am afraid that once he leaves he will go back to that women. I know I need to let him make that decision on his own and hope that if his truly being honest his done with her and wont use this opportunity to go back. If he really wants to work things out with me he will prove it by making the right choice. I also think I will have time to figure out if I am able to move pass this or just move on without him. Your comments and thoughts are much appreciated.

    • P

      Together 23 years, married for 18 of those years. Solid, fun, fulfilling marriage for 17+, then it went to **** in 8 months due to an EA with a person of questionable character (compared to the values he has held our entire marriage). I discovered it after he lied, he ended it, wanted a 2nd chance, I gave a 2nd chance, 2 months into that 2nd chance he confesses he loves her and wants a divorce. Their relationship is about 90% phone and text, 10% in person contact. He says they just “click” and he’s happy when he hears her voice. He can’t quantify is love any more than that when asked. He was stressed and feeling pretty down leading up to the EA. During a time when he would have turned to me for support, he turned to someone he barely knew and it developed from there. This information has really helped me wrap my head around this mess. Convincing my heart will take much longer.

    • Debbye

      Well, I must be in the 5% category. 5 1/2 years ago, my XH began a clandestine affair with his married coworker, left me 6 months later, and he filed for divorce. She followed suit by divorcing her own husband of 40+ years. These two lovebirds blew up TWO lifelong marriages, all because they were “compatible”; in fact, they were so compatible, they got married a few days ago. They’ve given no apparent thought to the 2 loyal and trusting spouses, the 5 children and the numerous grandchildren caught in the crosshairs.

      • Shifting Impressions

        So, selfish, right!!! I am so sorry you and your family had to go though this.

    • Brian

      I am very conflicted by all of what I have read. What do you do if you have a spouse that you love but can’t live in the same house with? My wife is a Level II hoarder, weighs nearly twice as much as she did when we met and has lied repeatedly regarding financial matters. I met someone else 5 1/2 years ago that I also love. I find myself rationalizing to resolve the feelings of guilt that I have. I am at the point of divorcing her and ending the affair to be alone. I am so confused. I tried for years and years to make things work with my wife but she refuses to change her behavior. Even if I wanted to move back into my house there is not enough uncluttered space for me to live. It makes me so mad because the financial repercussions of divorce would rob me of my retirement and savings. I never would have strayed if the conditions within my house did not reach a point to where I could not live there any longer. Yea, I’m the bad guy but damn I am not totally responsible, I don’t care what some of you say..

      • Shifting Impressions

        Hi Brian
        I am so sorry for your extremely difficult situation. I certainly wouldn’t be able to handle the hoarding or the financial deception.

        That being said, I just don’t believe having an affair is the answer…..if anything it makes matters worse. You aren’t responsible for your wife’s choices but either is she responsible for yours.

        So what would happen if you emptied your half of the house of all the clutter….I know that sounds crazy. Can you get professional help for her??

        You always have a choice whether to go or stay….when enough is enough. This goes for all of us betrayed or not. Is the marriage worth fighting for…..only you know the answer.

        • Brian

          Thanks for not condemning me I feel guilty enough. As far as removing my personal belongings many of them are hopelessly buried and in places that are next to impossible to reach. I have forgot where much of it even is packed away. Thank you.

    • Me

      I guess my husband is one of the “lucky” ones. During our 14 years together he began an affair with a family friend. They fell in love, I was discarded and kicked out of our marital home. The other woman moved in. Shortly after, they married and have been happy ever since. It has been years now and they are stilll very happy and very much in love. As the wife that was left I was destroyed. I still struggle with self esteem issues and trust issues. I have never dated since this all happened. My husband was the love of my life but sometimes the affair partner does win.

    • G

      This all happened to me. We weren’t married but were going to. We had been together for 6 years and have a daughter together so practically married. I found out 3 weeks ago tomorrow that he had another woman. They met on an app called Whisper. She’s younger she just turned 28 and he’ll be 34. She lives 11/2 hours away. I found out he was texting her in Oct of 2017 and he supposedly stopped talking to her when i found out. I didn’t uncover everything until he left 3 weeks ago. He left his phone out and i seen a text she sent. When i seen it he said it was over between us. Supposedly she knew about us being together. Anyways i went through his google maps and seen he had made his way to her house 5 times (Dec-May) before i found out. He says he wants nothing to do with me and doesn’t love me. He’s gone to spend the night with her twice in the last 2 weeks and it hurts my soul to see that they could be happy. He gets his daughter every other day. There are times i don’t text him at all and then out of no where he’ll start texting me and we talk about random things for hours. Then its like he stops because he knows he’ll come back or something. This all just sucks.. We were suppose to get married, buy a house and have another baby.. And now she gets him through text and whenever he makes his way to where she lives. I feel like she stays because he buys her things. Ive seen the emailed receipts. I went deep into finding out who she was and even messaged her parents about what kind of person she was.. I don’t know if they said anything to her.. Yes we had problems but i thought we were working on them. It didn’t help we worked together. So we were together 24/7. He got a new job and starts that Monday. Maybe being separated is a good thing… I just want my family back…

      • Shifting Impressions

        I am so sorry you are going through this heartache. Just because you aren’t legally married you still have rights. I don’t know where you live but it might be good to see what those rights are. Where I am common law marriages are recognized.

        Do you have someone you can talk to?? It would be good to get some legal advice….you have a daughter to think of.

    • Sanders

      My H and I have been together 26 years and married for 15 of those. We went away last October for our 15th Anniversay and I noticed he spent all his time on his phone in another room in the evenings, blamed it on the dogs being rowdy and he could barely look me in the eye. Once home he continued to disappear upstairs on his phone with an excuse that he was chatting to a couple of his males friends from work. I confronted him and he said he no longer wanted to be with me. He told me we had drifted apart and we never did anything together which shocked me because we are always chatting, never had a problem and always laughed evey day and always went to loads of places when we weren’t at work. I will be honest and say that the intimacy side had dwindled and for that I will take my share of the blame. So for the whole month of November he was acting like a crazy person, spending a night away occasionally, I can honestly say it was like he was on drugs and manic all the time. At the end of November he confronted me with trying to get me to sell our home and I asked him whether anyone else was involved and then it came out. He didn’t tell me who but with FB being so easy to crack (especially if you leave your password lying around) I knew exactly who he was seeing. He was 47 and she was 21 when it started. I know her, she knows me and knew he was married. I was aware that around the start of October her and her boyfriend had split up. She obviously decided that she was going to fill that void with my H. All information I have about their relationship I have gathered through FB. They talked of getting a place together, picking out furniture even talk of a baby and even gave it a name!! Then around 4-5 months into the affair she announces to him that she just wants to be friends and just spend time together that way. He’s 48 and is in the grip of an affair which as you all know the stages, quite early on with the crazyiness. This must of been a kick in the teeth. She even disappeared for a month to concentrate on exams which I found out after he came back into our marital bed and we spent a month that I thought was trying to get back on track. Again FB takes the blame, as he posted some photos of himself doing fun stuff and she got back in touch with him at the start of April. So now, July, we are still in the same house, they still have their ‘friendship’, H sleeps in the back room and chats every night to her after she finishes work. Should point out that he gave up his job to start a business while we were together and has not paid anything towards upkeep of bills etc for last 3 months. Now, today he has requested we put the house on the market and I have flatly refused because this is my home and considering the poor way he has treated me with little respect I am not moving without a court order now. He has wanted to still have sex with me and we have been intimate and it’s been good, better than ever before and he’s told me he loves and cares about me. He’s even had what I call small mental breakdowns and has said he hates the person he is but doesn’t know how to stop. As much as I hate him sometimes I could forgive him if he ever got over this affair but I cannot try commit to working on this marriage while she is still hanging around and he’s still in contact with her. Their conversations are ridiculous, he is more like her father! They spent 5mins talking about her bacon sandwich and did she have ketchup and him telling her that she needs to eat and drink to stay healthy (apparantley she is ill at the moment), then after talking to her for an hour he’ll come and chat to me on the bed and sometimes we have ended up having sex. I’m sure if I work to show him I care and maybe help him get through these different stages of addiction we could get to a point to discuss our marriage, as yet we haven’t but at the moment she is the only thing he can think about. I question whether I should or not. I have lost weight through worry and look fantastic an feel healthier and fitter than I have in years I just need to mentally try and move forward. Any advice?

      • Sunshine

        Tell him to leave and gobe with his 21 yr. I dont know why women cant stand up for themselves.

        I did this and you can too. My husband when our daughter was 3. I had a weird intution while folding laundry one day. A flash back to 2004 when we were dating and he had ran off with his high school sweet heart…well we were married, home, daughter and there I am home one day folding laundry and for some reason her name popped in my head. Nothing was going on. I shook the feeling off and said …we were in college than, no one way would he ever hurt me like that now. We have so much going. God game me that feeling. God gave me that intution because it was true. All he cared was to find out how did I knew. How did i find out becuase he never told anyone.

        When he came home the next day – I said leave. I walked to the door and opened it for him and said Go, we do not need you. I dont want money from you, you can have this home but we ( me and my daughter) will be fine.

        I opened that front door and calmly said Go be with her, she needs you more than I do. I was 29 yrs old. He is my first real love and never had I been with anyone else.

        I said leave now because she has what you want and I don’t. He said I was worthless and he had called me many bad names before. I had an excellent job and got him a job there and begun his career. I am an excellent mother and wife.

        I said Leave because she can make you happy and I cant. I opened the door and he sat there. He said no it was not better with her.

        There is nothing he can do behind my back that I will never know about. I have like a weird since sense and I dont know how to desctibe it, but I do.

        Stand up for yourself. Not for him for YOU. I was wrong for letting my husband talk that way to me..and wrong for thinking it was okay for someone that is suppose to love me treat me like that when all in all here I am making everything work and advacing in life.

        I ask you to open the door for your husband and tell him to go be with her. Do it. Dont lower yourself like that.

        • Camille

          I’ve been reading the comments and they’ve been helping a lot. I found out yesterday that my husband is having an affair. Walked in on them sleeping actually. My husband chose her, said our marriage is over and that he has emotionally checked out but hasn’t had the heart to tell me. But of course had the heart to fuck someone else. He said it’s been 3 weeks. We celebrated our 5th yr 2 weeks ago. I’m sorry I’m all over the place, I’m a mess. Much of the relationship and set up I can’t elaborate right now. All I know is my heart is breaking for our 3 year old daughter. But I told him if that what makes you happy, go. He said he wasn’t happy with me no more and this new girl is making him happy. I said it’s the honeymoon phase. He said well I can compare honeymoon phases and this is better. I said of course it is, because it started as an affair. More exciting and lustful and secretive. He said what do you know about affairs, you never had one. I said damn straight and I’m proud of it. But just because I never had one doesn’t mean I don’t know the facts. Ha!
          I go back to work tomorrow and the bad part is they both are also working there. I don’t know where I’m going get the strength for the days to come but I am not resigning. Why should I? To make it easy for them? I need the job and money and I have to take care of me now.

          • Sunshine

            Keep going as if nothing has happened and continue to tend to your daughter. Don’t say anything to him anymore and seek a lawyer, don’t tell him that he cant see his daughter and don’t push her upon him either. Its fine if he doesn’t love you anymore and you need to accept that but his daughter is his daughter and he will be the only to choose how he treats her. Let him go and start the process of moving on without him. Spend time with your friends and family, don’t ask for his help. Don’t worry about what he says about his affair partner, let him say everything he wants about how everything is so good for him and how happy he is, he is just trying to bring you down. When he says she makes me happy…just say ok. when he says things are better with her, say ok and walk away and spend time with your daughter. Let your child be your main focus. I’ve been there and I was told how much the other women was better than me except it wasn’t affair much different than an affair. You can do this.

    • Marcin

      I found out about my wife having an emotional affair with a guy she works with.
      The nature of the job is such that they spend a lot of time together just the two of them.
      We have been married 22 years. Over the years she has told me over and over again in different ways that her needs are not being satisfied. She’s had at least a couple of emotional affairs prior. This one is different. She says she’s done and has completely checked out of our marriage emotionally. She’s totally into the new guy. I know her and she has an issue with craving attention from men. This guy whether knowingly or not hit the right buttons at the right time and she hit his. I am as devastated as many of you here were/are. I know I have a lot of issues and I am by no means a dream husband. I struggle with insecurity and emotional detachment. That said we have had a lot of good times together and I feel love her the best I can. It just isn’t enough for her. I wonder if this new guy will be able to satisfy all her needs.
      I am kind of a one relationship at one time kind of guy. In other words I invested everything I had into the relationship with my wife. I feel like this has been a wake up call for me and I would like to restore our marriage. I don’t know if it is possible. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since I found out. I’ve turned to friends for support but I am all torn up inside. I’ve lost weight because my stomach is constantly upset. I cant sleep at night. I feel like i’m becoming a shadow of myself. I’ve asked her directly to stop the affair and just as directly she refuses. At the same time she claims to “care” about me. We have 2 kids, both teenagers. They don’t yet know. The guy she is involved with is married as well and has a couple of teenagers and a preteen as well. Their actions are threating to break up two families in one shot but she does not see that and just wants to “be happy”. She does not seem happy. I know she cant sleep at night either. I just wonder if its because she’s planning her exit strategy or thinking about how great he is and how awful I am. Like I said i’m a total wreck.

      • Sunshine

        Pull your pants up and file for a divorce.

      • Johnny

        About the same with me. Still, I do love her, I could not leave her, & for whatever it take want to save our marriage. Almost two years now, still stuck & in sufferance, & her relationship with the affair getting more closer than ever. The only difference is she also talk to me & more intimate than the early days when she started the affair.

        • Marcin

          Well, my marriage to my wife of 22 years ended abruptly as by the beginning of October 2019, a mere three months after I discovered the affair, she filed for divorce. By that time the guy she worked with, and had the affair with had fired her and ended the relationship. She went through with a divorce, and we were divorced end of December of the year. About halfway through October she started dating a friend of mine. A gay man gone straight about six years younger than she. By mid, 2020 they were engaged and married the end of that year. Before that happened I made one last ditch attempt to convince her to come back to the marriage because I did not want to live with any regrets and wanted to be sure that her mind was truly made up. Call me a fool, but I had to do it for my own sake. I could going on and on about how betrayed and thrown away I felt. About my loneliness and my pain but in the end, that’s life isn’t it? I clearly did not know my wife, as well as I thought I did, and clearly did not appreciate all the bitterness and gall that had accumulated within her. Now it is as if I never even existed. I was robbed of pretty much everything by those who I trusted the most and then tossed aside and discarded. I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt anymore because it still does at times but I have slowly come to terms with it. I still would like to hear her say that she was sorry for what she had done and for him to at least admit that I have never done anything except be a friend to him and did not deserve what he did he. I have a feeling that I will die before I hear any of that, so I am trying to move on without that. It isn’t always easy, but with God’s help, I’ve made a lot of progress and I am moving forward

    • Jesso

      My wife, who I’d been with for 30 years, left me and married her childhood sweetheart…her reason, she always wondered “what if” This bloke got her pregnant when she was 15 and her parents had it terminated and moved away from that town. I had no idea this was in her mind until I saw a text onher phone one day where he was saying he’d love to shower with her. This bloke had been crossing paths with us for most of our married life and I was gutted to find they were playing footsies unf=der my marital table.
      End of the day, I told her to leave, kept the marital home as there was no way I was going to sell it and leave me and our 3 daughters nowhere to live (I’m a pensioner and renting would have been prohibitive)
      She has now been married to him for 10 years, so they must have been in t hat small percentage that it works for, I’m in that other percentage that gets totally devastated for selfish reasons.

    • Mike

      I’m sure this has been mentioned but limerence is a real thing as is love addiction aka pathological love. It works a lot like porn only with the emotional side of the endorphin rush. Once I took the effort to understand her distorted sense of reality my anger & betrayal evolved into empathy & genuine sympathy.

      I’m a husband of 27 years that was cheated on. I placed everything but her & the kids first. She started chatting online. She was lonely & searching for affirmation. Boundries got crossed & she got hooked. Taken advantage of emotionally at least 5 times. Genuinely thought she was in love. The most honest sincere & trustworthy woman I’ve ever known started living a double life.

      She is the child of a bitter divorce. Her dad was a habitual adulterer. I was flabbergasted that she got sucked into this lifestyle. Except, the truth is women like her are especially susceptible to someone who says all the right things. She was neglected by me. Her perceptions of relationships is distorted as is. She planned a exit several years prior.

      I stepped up. I was bound & determined to do everything I could to salvage my marriage. The only person I could control was me. I did therapy. I did coaching. Guess what? It worked.

      I made some major changes to become a better me. I was fortunate to be available when her limerent lover was exposed as the fraud he is. Affairs always have consequences.

      • Dan

        Seems to me that you were gaslit by a partner with Cluster B (most likely HPD) Personality Disorder to own up for their mistakes. When you say you “neglected her” did she not become emotionally withdrawn way before that?
        There are things in your comment that point to me that she has a personality disorder, and if she does, of course she will make you do councelling and stuff, blameshifting it all on you. Just a thought. Don’t mean any offence.

        • Mike

          No offense taken. These things are complicated & yes there are underlying issues. At some point she needs to address her childhood trauma. Until one is willing to address the source of their issues you cant get better. I know this firsthand. I absolutely had my own issues. What I did was take was was allready damaged & broke it. I have plenty of blame in this but I refuse to be the scapegoat. I can only control one thing, me.

          Last night I made it clear I would not tolerate any continued contact with the other man. Nor will I take blame as the villain & won’t tolerate any more disrespect. She finally apologized for her behavior. She doesn’t deserve my trust or support but down deep I love her enough to offer both. It will never be like it was before. I take no pleasure in revenge or resentment but the lies & deceipt from someone I trusted for 30 years are damaging, not irreparable, but harmful none the less.

          We have a minor child that’s effected by this situation. He already had some anxiety & ADD issues. Her double life is making this worse. She even admitted the toxic fallout is contributing.

          She needs to get back into therapy but I can only control me. I will encourage her but that’s all I can do.

          She’s grasping the consequences of her choice. Limerence is a powerful emotional state; it’s an endorphin high. When women get in this mindset logic is irrelevant. Nothing you, I or anyone who says about the red flags says will matter. When you add a personality disorder to the mix it’s even worse. The hormones of perimenopause are at play here as well. The fallout of limerence is they will modify or even abandon beliefs to justify their behavior; rewrite history to villianize (me) the spouse. Pathological live is a true addiction. Once secrets start to be kept its downhill from there.

          The rational her is winning. Shes emotionally distraught at being taken advantage of/ manipulated again. Self inflicted damage is what it is; she’s hurting & IMHO deserves to experience a little hurt.

          No good ever comes from divorce. Her life is a prime example of the damage done to children from this. That’s a significant reason I’m dedicated to salvaging this. The other is the girl I met 30+ years ago is still in there & does need my support to the extent I can offer it without loosing myself in the process.

          • Dave

            Mike, it is remarkable how similar my story and my wife’s are to yours and your wife’s.

            We’ve known each other over 30 years. (Married for 20.)
            She’s definitely, undeniably in limerence.
            I won’t end the marriage. I am as committed to her and our marriage as I’ve always been. (I’ve told her that she would have to divorce me if she wants to, because I’ll never file for divorce.
            She still needs my love and support. I feel like God Himself put her into my heart in the first place, and that I have a lifetime commitment to be the man who loves her unconditionally (even if I wind up doing so from a distance, if she were to actually leave me after all these years).

            Only a few differences:
            * Her biological father was never in the picture, her mom was a neglectful and abusive drug addict, who married a man who was abusive in every way you can imagine (my wife’s stepdad, who’s also an addict). Her mom and stepdad separated more than once, but I don’t think they divorced until after my wife was grown.
            * I suspect that my wife has borderline personality disorder (BPD). She can be intensely loving and committed to the family at times, but she is on her second affair. (Her first AP used her and then cast her aside. While she still pined for him, he used her to take advantage of our daughter. He got off light with a 12-year sentence! That affair happened 15 years ago.) The current AP 20 years younger than us, a year YOUNGER than our oldest daughter.
            * I am the one with ADHD (not diagnosed until just a year ago) and went through treatment for anxiety, though I suspect all of our kids have ADHD to a lesser extent.
            * We have two minor children, and two grown children.

    • Shifting Impressions

      Has it occurred to you that you aren’t the only one with a decision to make here. Your husband has every right to know what is going on. He has the right to decide if he wants to stay with you after this betrayal. This isn’t all about you.

    • Mike

      Good people still do bad things. Your honesty sounds a lot like my wife except she quit therepy. Her late father had a dual personality. He could be a good guy but was a terribly abusive to her mother . Yet she idolized him. Ironically she villanized me to justify her affairs. No one intends for these things to develop but they do. Her affairs were online fantasies until now. This one is still long distance but her emotional attachment is crazy strong she had physical contact once that I know of. I had no idea anything was wrong until last Christmas when everything came to light.

      The fact you have addressed your own issues is a good start. Your husband likely has his own issues he’s hiding that complicate his ability to communicate. You are likely also similar to my wife in that you’re choices in men mirror your relationship experiences from the past. Attraction is a complex issue. Until you address thg he underlying problems that contribute to these attraction factors you can’t resolve anything.

      Until I came to terms with my childhood & the attachment style it set me up with I simply couldn’t understand why my wife needed things that didn’t matter to me. I also brought some stuff I experienced in the Army into our marriage as well. I wasn’t able to appreciate what my wife needed until I started working on myself to become a better man husband & father. I certainly did a lot of damage myself. No physical abuse but a lot of neglect. I placed money & career above her. There’s a lot of other contributing factors as well over the last 30 years of ups & downs, 2 kids & a miscarriage. I’m more in love with my wife than I’ve ever been but she, like you has experienced the euphoria of an affair that seems to be the perfect man. While l understand your feelings are real you have to ask yourself what reality will look like with your affair partner once all the romance wears off & all his flaws become apparent that you can’t see right now.

      In my opinion its good your dealing with this now as opposed to where my wife & I are after 30 years. She was the only person I ever unconditionally trusted & for 25+ years she was faithful as was I in terms of sexual affairs but anything you place ahead of your spouses needs is kind of an affair.

      I want to save our 30 year relationship no matter what it takes & she is ambivalent & suffering severe cognitive dissonance as are you. I feel for her but she made her choices as did I.

      You do need to make a decision but please dont don’t do it alone. There are good councilors out there & great couples workshops as well.

      After my affair ( was very helpful for me to understand my wifes thinking, as was marriage helper, this blog & numerous others.

      The good workshops are expensive but can you put a price on making an informed decision? I’m trying to get my wife to attend one but right now she’s against it. I hope everything levels out for you & you make the most informed decision possible.

    • Mike

      Sammy, I have never felt better in my life. Do I still have some anxiety & fear of losing her? Yes. For me it was a combination of things mostly the gut punch of the woman I love. The only real honest, sincere & trustworthy person ive ever known. One I considered my best friend turning into a pathological liar & a personality i didnt even recognize but somehow still loved. Our kids, our financial future, everything I took for granted especially her heart.

      The lies are the worst. Come clean & give him the opportunity to process things. Men have a hard time being vulnerable to their inner feelings. You cant make him do anything. You are the only person you can control is this mess. Therepy was a life saver for me. Share that if if helps him. I’m a retired Army first sergeant & a former drill sergeant if I can admit I need help anyone can. You have made the awesome choice to help yourself your example & behavior alone may motivate him. I cant promise anything & if a marriage crisis organization says they guarantee they can save your marriage dont even consider them.

      You seem to be a person of faith. For me it was a couple nights alone with Jim Beam. I was lower than the dirt beneath the grass. I happened to watch an episode of the chosen where Mary magdalene was purged of her problems. I looked in the mirror & discovered I was not the man, husband or father God made me to be. Yes she committed Adultry, multiple times emotionally, but I didn’t hold up my end of the vows very well either. Judge her, hate her, or forgive her & work on myself?

      If not for her; the discovery of her shenanigans, I wouldn’t have been motivated to work on anything. I though things were just fine. But they weren’t & hadn’t been for a long time. I had urgent & important reversed in a lot of instances where priorities are concerned. Even if we get divorced, & I’m praying sincerely we dont, I’m going to be a better person than I’ve ever been in my life.
      I don’t know what will convince him. Right now you’re still high on the emotional satisfaction your getting from the OM. It’s very similar to an addiction. Reality is you provided something for each other & you felt like someone understood you. But did they? A man leading you, a married woman, into adultry has issues himself. The problem is the secrecy, lies & deception dont make for a solid foundation for a real relationship, You are not alone. Trust me, every overindulgence comes with a hangover.

      I would seriously consider a crisis marriage workshop. Many of them have financial aid available. Marriage Helper has a ton of free resources, I dont work for them & many other organizations exist to do what they do. As I said aftermyaffair & marriage helper were game changing for me.

    • Mike

      By the way you cant go back to “normal” that’s what got you. Here. You’ll both have to be willing to start over. Right now I’m the only one committed to that in my marriage but I’m not one to quit anything.

    • Shifting Impressions

      Did you get a chance to listen to the interview in the most recent post? The interview with Andrew Marshall regarding the topic “Why Did I Cheat?” I’m thinking you might find it extremely helpful. I also started reading his book by the same title and it is absolute gold.

      It will help you understand yourself and the pain your husband will face should you decide to tell him the truth.
      I agree with Mike about getting help with your situation. Not everyone including some experts agree that you should tell the betrayed spouse but Andrew Marshall mentions in his book that the truth is bound to come out in some or another.

      In my opinion there is a fair bit of blame towards your husband as you talk about your affair… me that will not go well should you tell him the truth. You need to own your bad decision….no matter what the state of your relationship with your husband. I believe Andrew Marshall’s book can really help you with that. Also looking into your past can be difficult and painful but there is much to be learned about yourself doing just that.

      I wish you all the best during this difficult journey.

    • Dave

      I’m like a cross between your husband and Mike.
      I would strongly recommend that you tell your husband the truth. You may feel more comfortable telling him in the therapist’s office, or some other other “neutral” environment.

      Like your husband: I am introverted (though I socialize well in structured settings, like work, school or church). I tend towards seeing things in black and white terms, more when it comes to my own conduct than what I expect of anyone else. I am mostly “vanilla” when it comes to sex.

      Like Mike: I am completely committed to my wife. I am understanding of her abusive childhood, and I am accepting of (and possibly too tolerant of) the sometimes-difficult personality traits which resulted from her family-of-origin. (I think my wife has borderline personality disorder, but she hasn’t been diagnosed and won’t go to therapy, even when she admits that she should.) We have known each other for 30 years and been married for 20, and we have kids (2 boys, 2 girls; 2 grown up, and 2 under-10).

      Expect your husband to be in shock, and to go through the stages of grief. It will probably take three months or more for his emotional state to stabilize enough for you both to think about the future, whether to stay together, separate, or divorce.

      Your husband might surprise you.

      Knowledge of my wife’s affair shocked my out of my lifelong “black-and-white” thinking pattern and woke up my inner “beast”, desiring more than in have in years. (My wife still won’t try very much in the way of new things with me in the bedroom, since that’s what she does with the AP.) Apparently, he’s also a smooth talker, saying things that make her feel “pretty” (but when I ask her what kinds of things does he say to her, it sounds like she rotates through the same three examples). So, I’m trying to be more expressive with the ways I tell her that I love her, and I am open to trying new things in bed.

      Maybe your husband will have a similar “awakening”. It may be that he’s quiet outside but passionate inside, like me.

    • Dave

      My wife is in a state of limerence (aka “affair fog”) for her affair partner, who is 20 years younger than us (and 1 year younger than our oldest child, my stepdaughter). Their affair started at the beginning of the year, a long distance affair that started as an online friendship. She confessed the affair to me in April, not because she was ending it, remorseful, or having second thoughts…but because she was planning to fly across the country to meet him in person. (I was in shock for several weeks, and too readily accepted her reason for the affair that I made her feel unattractive by things that I’d said, and he made her feel desired.) What I later found out was that they had a mutual interest in the same kinks, while I in my black-and-white thinking had previously resisted her interests, thinking them as “against the Bible”. (Sincere inquiry that I’ve done since learning of her affair has revealed that the kinks she’s into are not actually against scripture; that fact blew my mind). She has admitted that I satisfy her sexually better in some ways, and he does in other ways.

      She’s gone to see him twice, for two weeks at a time, and she’s about to go see him again. They talk via phone, video and/or text almost every day. I only get a little bit of her attention from the time I get home from work. She is mostly closed off to me and our kids, treating me as a “friend with benefits”, leaving the younger kids’ care to me when I’m home and in the care of our older son while I’m at work. This is because she’s thinking of her AP day and night.

      She hardly sleeps, and when something with him upsets her (like if they had a fight, or he doesn’t call/text her), I have to take care of her as she falls into a state of anxiety or depression. It’s not healthy, this limerence that she’s in. She’s not her normal self, shirking most responsibility for the kids and house, putting her focus only on him or binging on TV and video games to distract herself from missing him.

      I think that his recent behavior the last couple of months shows that he’s losing interest, but I think he’ll keep her on the hook as long as he’s getting the attention she’s giving.

      There are two distinct ironies. First, she says she’ll only break up with him if he cheats on her (but she’s the one cheating on me). Second, in response to her affair, I’ve finally been set free of my own self-imposed limits and attitudes, and if she gave me half a chance, I would prove it to her in the bedroom…I would be ready to do most, if not all, and maybe even more, of the kinky things that she wants.

      (I’ve always been very sexually curious in my head, but had been mostly prudish in my behavior, until the “beast” in me got released. I’d mistaken her lack of interest in sex after our youngest was born as “the new normal”, and didn’t realize that it was due to boredom.)

      • Shifting Impressions

        I know you didn’t ask for any advice, but I can’t help but wonder why you would allow someone to treat you so badly, and also why you would enable someone to behave so badly. Just something to think about.

      • Don't Put Up With It

        Dave, you need to stop this. You need to stop letting this woman treat you and your kids like trash. I don’t give a damn about affair fogs, these are just selfish, immature people who are walking all over their “loved” ones and you should not tolerate this. Tell her that she has to leave and stay with him or her family or whatever but she no longer has a home with you. Don’t worry about the kids, it’s a better example to them to see Dad stand up for himself and them and put this woman OUT. You have to give them CONSEQUENCES for these affairs, not cater to them & hope they’ll get past it. They may or may not, but it would be on their time schedule according to their whims. YOU are the one who has been abused here. YOU – and your kids – are the ones who have been insulted, disrespected & thrown to the curb so she can act like a teenage fool. This is not acceptable behavior & adults NEED consequences. Throw her out and at the minimum have a formal separation for a matter of months. It will give you both time to decide what to do. Then look into what divorce requires in your area. You may not go through with it (I would personally) but you should know what it costs, involves, and how to protect yourself & the kids. The way I think of these affairs is that the person you married and loved is dead. Just gone. This is another person and…….you’re not gonna like them eventually once YOU come out of your co-dependent fog. That’s the other side of the equation. There’s not just an affair fog….many people are in a co-dependent fog where they tolerate anything just to try to keep the spouse & the marriage. It’s not worth your self respect. Don’t let ANYONE EVER treat you like this. You really are special and some woman will cherish that even if this one is too stupid and selfish.

    • Jennet

      Don’t put up with it.
      I would love to know your story !!
      In your posts there is so much anger which really is hurt and pain.
      Tell your story and maybe we can help you!!
      You do find peace within yourself eventually after Infidelity whatever you decide to do whether it be stay or go.
      I feel that you are hurting so much in the things you say please reach out we are all here ,we’ve all been in this awful situation of infidelity
      Look after yourself that’s the most important thing
      Take care and good luck to you all jennet

      • Don't Put Up With It

        There really isn’t much of a story, Jennet. I was cheated on in a relationship – the first time by finding out my SO, whom I had lived with for many years and supported emotionally during many difficult times for him (especially his father’s terrible 10 year battle with dementia) was using an ON-LINE DATING SITE. I have to laugh now but I was so shocked as is everybody else. He was not meeting these women physically (I don’t think he ever did, he’s kind of shy) but engaging with them on line and sending pics. You know all the usual BS. I absolutely blew my top. I have a bad temper anyway although I rarely lose it when I do…look out. After screaming at him for a few hours we talked it out. He felt badly not just about doing this but about himself in general. He doesn’t have much self confidence and I guess he could play these games on line pretending to be another kind of guy. Like Rico Suave. I understand the online stuff – I used to do that when I was single just for fun. I only met one of those guys at all and it was a dud, but it was mainly just to flirt. I understand that but….you don’t do that in a relationship. I am very flirtatious by nature but I always catch myself when I’m doing it and stop. Guys like me and I get flirted on not infrequently even by younger guys but I just don’t engage when I realize that happens. I’ve never cheated on him, not even remotely. But I understand the psychology of what was going on with him, the pressures he was under, that it wasn’t going anywhere other than the computer…….so I forgave him. I’m a pretty forgiving person by nature, I’ve had to forgive a lot in my life. I had a bad childhood I won’t go into, it’s too long, but there’s a lot of things I had to overlook just to keep surviving. It is what it is.

        I was very hurt for a while – a few weeks, maybe a couple of months….I let it go. I figure this is a good guy, we have a good relationship, we have a lot of problems but…I love the guy, he makes sure I’m fed and watered, lol, he’s just kind of messed up. We all make mistakes yada yada. UNTIL…..

        I help him with his computers and his phone because he is the least tech savvy guy in the world. He just cannot figure this shit out. So I end up fixing things for him and setting them up because I’m very good at this stuff. So what do I find? He’s also writing to an EX GIRLFRIEND, who IS writing back and it’s all very lovey dovey shit and very romantic and just kind of nauseating frankly. So I blew my top AGAIN and – what in the fresh pit of hell is THIS STUFF!!!!!! It’s a wonder my head didn’t explode. I forgive the other shit and now I find out you’re writing to THIS woman???? Who lives in another state, which I guess makes her “safe”. When I confronted him in rage, he just did the usual humina humina humina….and promised he wouldn’t do it anymore.

        I know he has ex girlfriends, I have exs, we all do. I never talk about them at all with him, he doesn’t seem to want to hear me talk about them….what’s to say anyway. I’ve never communicated with any of them once we broke up – there are no kids involved. I’ve never had kids, not able to. But once it was over, it was over. But I don’t object to him writing or talking to an old girlfriend or female friend as long as it IS a friend. It never even occurred to me that people DO this stuff. And this is all romantic bullshit that he never says to me. He is so un-romantic with me. The thing is….I think this woman is the one who got away. Jeez, I’m sorry if this is getting really really long, it must be tedious to read.

        Anyway, this is the one that I think got away. The one he REALLY wanted. Her name is Mary. She’s no Virgin Mary, lol. But she’s probably not a bad person inherently I’d just like to punch her in the nose a few times. But i’m direct. His family – well…what can I say. We are from different religious and ethnic backgrounds and they NEVER accepted me. I don’t think they still do. For the first few years I was literally not invited to family events and then when I was….they wouldn’t speak to me. They would literally greet everyone around me at the front door and NOT ME. Bleep them. I stuck around, I loved the guy, his family are…anal orifices, it was the first time in my life I experienced real prejudice. And I’m WHITE! I can only imagine what people of color go through.

        I bring this up because that is what broke him up with this woman initially. That his family simply would not accept her – hell with me, his father would not speak to him for a YEAR. So a lot of pressure and I think it was much worse with her. The family broke them up. He’s very weak when it comes to his family. We’re both tall blondes. I’m better looking and sexier, of course. But there are resemblances physically & socially. I guess we’re his type. So he broke up with her under family pressure. She’s the only old girlfriend he will NEVER EVER mention to me. EVER. I’ve asked about different friends trying to see if he will ever bring her up voluntarily….he NEVER does. She means a lot to him. I think she’s the one that got away and he settled for me. Maybe I settled for him too. We were both in our 40s when we met. Well over 20 years ago.

        So…..I forgave him. I figured he’s not trying to meet her, do I really want to know about this, what damage is it really doing, I do love him, etc etc. In the meantime, I developed cancer and a couple of other conditions, because one is not enough, and was unable to work so….I became stuck with him anyway. I figured I’d make the best of it.

        That was a few years ago. I never snoop on him, I just forgot about it, tried to make things work even though now HE is very sick with cancer, but there are hopes his treatment may bring him into remission. It’s been one hell of a 22+ years. One thing after another. And I am a damn fool for sticking with it. BUT WAIT….THERE’S MORE.

        So he got a new phone. And I had to fix it and set it up. So I did what any sane person would do….I LOOKED AT HIS MESSAGES AND EMAIL. And sure enough. He’s STILL having back and forths with this woman after all these years, I don’t think he ever stopped. It’s all the romantic things and the sweet little names and the things he never says to me. I’m chopped liver….without the nutritional value. HE BUYS HER GIFTS. and vice versa. Nice gifts. You know what he got me for Christmas one year? A NOSE HAIR CLIPPER. Yup. And I don’t even have them.

        I went back through and read all these messages one after another until the end of the thread. She’s telling him all about her….parasites she’s apparently infected with right now. Yup, that’s enticing. Hey, I got her beat on that front.

        I’m just very hurt, very angry and very insulted that he’s doing this and I don’t get any of this affection. I don’t even get sex and it’s been a while and I’m getting anxious. I know he can’t with his condition, but we could try other things. I am anything but prudish. I just get the feeling this is the woman he really loved and would have preferred to be with. This was his Number 1 choice and I’m the good old fallback. No one wants to be 2nd choice. Not even a cat or dog wants to be 2nd choice.

        Next year I start collecting Social Security and a pension. He knows I want to move anyway, I’ve wanted US to move for many years. But I am seriously thinking of moving on my own and breaking up at that point. I feel like I’ve wasted over 20 years of my life on this guy and his problems and his horrible family and maybe I could have had something better if I had not put up with it. If I had NOT been forgiving or understanding. This is why I am SO AGAINST THIS. Because they DON’T STOP. If someone really loves someone else….they don’t stop in their hearts just because their hands stop writing messages. If you really love someone, you really love them. If you’re 2nd choice… are always 2nd choice. I’m just a best friend and roommate at this point. I do think he loves me and cares for me, but not in the right way. Not in the way that a spouse wants to be loved and cared for. I should NOT have tolerated any of this, I should have walked years ago when it first happened. I feel I’ve wasted my life with him and it’s a terrible way to feel. I don’t want anyone else going through this. That’s why I say the best thing, if you can – and I know that depends on health, finances, children etc – you SHOULD BREAK UP. It’s cleaner, it’s healthier, it helps you with your self respect and you can build a better future.

        So I’m an object lesson. I don’t fight with him, I haven’t even mentioned what I’ve seen, what’s the point. I don’t want to fight with him anymore. I just want to plan for my future and make some decisions on my own. I’m just sorry I wasted all this time.

        Sorry this has been so long but I guess there’s no way to make these things short. And yes, I DO have a lot of anger, about life in general, I’m also angry at myself, but certainly about this – I really changed my life, and not in a good way, for t his guy to help him, try to be a good and supportive and LOYAL mate. And for what…..NOSE HAIR CLIPPERS.

        So don’t you folks go for the Nose Hair Clippers – try for the real gold ring instead! Let me know if you have any questions, I guess this is still the abbreviated version. I don’t want to bother with counseling as I’ve had it in the past for other issues and always found it useless. I understand what this is about and I understand how I feel about it. I feel fundamentally unloved as a woman and that is not acceptable to me. I’d like to change that in the future as I think actions are the only things that matter in life ultimately, but that depends on me getting money and then deciding what to do finally. Now that the economy is collapsing, my greatest fear of being financially stuck. I have no family so I don’t have a support network. It’s just me.

        Please don’t let this happen to you. When you find out about cheating, make your exit plan. Don’t go through this. I can’t really say I did a pick me dance, because I would never do something that degrading, but I certainly stayed when I shouldn’t. DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

    • Don't Put Up With It

      One more thing, I didn’t say this, maybe it’s kind of obvious or implied, but I also would not want to leave him when he is suffering from this condition. My hope is that he goes into remisson, gets healthy again and then I can make unfettered decisions about the future. I am 65 though so….I don’t know how much of a future there is. I’m trying to get healthier myself, hitting the gym regularly, trying to watch my weight. It’s hard because he’s always bringing home snacks and sweets that I have to dodge. I think he tries to sabotage me to keep me with him. Watch out for sabotage. I just don’t know if I can find someone else at this point in life and that makes me sad. I really would like to have one good, non-effed up relationship before I die.

    • Lisa

      My boss has been with his employee lover for 4+ years now. Most of the office that was there when she came has quit or been laid-off. She divorced her husband. I hear he is in the process. It lasts.

    • Jana H

      Mine left, after a 27 year marriage…for the 18 yo best friend of our youngest daughter. 5 1/2 years later they are still together. She is now 24 and he is 54. I am confident he is miserable as he will neither confirm nor deny that he is and is now a daily heavy drinker. Sad to watch.

      • Don't Put Up With It

        Jana, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I feel that for everyone here. I know you probably hear it from a lot of people but I have to share that too. I’m wondering, what on earth does this girl see in a 54 year old man? Is it money? Is it a lack of a father? Do you think she’s cheating on him? Because I can’t imagine a girl of that age being with a man so much older. Maybe in the 30s I could maybe understand but not in the fifties unless it’s about money. Do you understand it at all? Many of these affairs just make no sense to me.

      • Don't Put Up With It

        If it is not too painful to relate, how does your daughter handle this? This must be especially horrible for her. I can’t imagine a man doing something like this with a girl literally his daughter’s age. Sex I can understand but actually taking up with someone and living with them for years? It sounds to me like he is convenient for her as an ATM perhaps and he is unwilling to admit he made a mistake and possibly likes the ego boost of having a young girl to flaunt around although she must be using him. You know the old saying….no fool like an old fool although at my age of 65 he’s not that old to me, but it’s all relative.

        • Jana H

          The girl he is with comes from a broken family. Her father left her at an early age and her relationship with her mother is estranged. For her, I believe she was seeking love, stability and money. My ex does not make a ton of money so I question that being too big a factor. For him, it was a massive mid-life crisis! Once he became a grandfather (now to 4), it all fell apart. Nonetheless, I have opted for grace & forgiveness rather than bitterness and anger towards him. His choices were not about me not being enough (he has never said a negative word about or to me). Additionally, he gave me literally everything in the divorce saying that it was unfair for my life to be altered more than the pain he had already caused.
          He is one broken man and I am doing just fine!
          My 3 daughters have all reacted differently. They had almost no contact with their Dad for over a year. Now, they see him regularly but without his gf present (he’s tried to force it and it didn’t work). Our youngest has tried to let go of all of it because she simply wants her Daddy in her life. They were all very close growing up and he was a very involved Dad.

          • Don't Put Up With It

            Sigh. What a big dummy he is. And what a broken girl SHE is. How long is she gonna stick around when he starts getting real health problems as we all do with age. I sure as hell did & so did my hubby. My father was 15 years older than my mother & that seemed like a lot then – they always had a bad marriage but once he hit 65 or so…..she was only 50 and it just kept getting worse. The age gap between this stupid girl & your husband is so large. Usually you only see that with millionaires! Karma is going to kick both of them in the ass, I can see it coming. She’s wasting her time with him also & he broke up his home for what – so he can pretend to be 30 again?

            I wish I could give you & your girls a big hug for what you’ve gone through. You’re a strong woman, I admire you. I’m sure you’ve given your daughters a good standard to live by. I hope there is fun in your life too as I’m a great believer n that – too many people now just don’t have time or energy for it, whether single or married and it really is so important to have some zest for life no matter what.

            • Jana H

              Well…I am headed to Paris in a month, I have retained friendships with all of our married friends, I have a strong faith, and I am surrounded by my girls and 4 grandchildren every single day! Happy girl! 🙂

          • Don't Put Up With It

            Would you ever take him back, Jana? It is possible she will be with him even into old age but I think that’s pretty unlikely and rare, but it does happen. It’s more likely that as she grows up and older and gets more experiences and he starts having more problems, she will start running around (if she isn’t already) or just leave him because she doesn’t want to deal with the problems. Old age can be really depressing, LOL. Would you consider taking him back? You have handled this with remarkable grace, I don’t think I would have done anywhere near as well as you. Much props to you for that.

            • Jana H

              I have thought and prayed alot about this and, much to the dismay of many, I would take him back…with some serious prerequisites.
              To better understand my stance, I consider him a broken man. Someone who looked elsewhere to fill an emptiness that only God could fill (my own belief).
              With a renewed faith, transparency, serious long-term counseling and a ceasing of drinking, I think he could be as close as he could be to the man he was supposed to be.
              You see, he has never blamed me. Never, to my knowledge, complained about our marriage…even to this child he is with. He helps me financially, recognizes my birthday & Mothers Day and sends BBQ home when he spends time with our girls! Lol He even told a man, that I was dating last year, how lucky he was!
              You see, this is a man who was known as a world renowned coach of an Olympic sport. I traveled everywhere with him! But, this limelight life started closing down, due to age, and he found he lacked any identity outside his public persona. So, this young lady comes along – giving him that feeling he used to have, of a young virulent man, and he falls into limerence. Classic mid-life crisis.
              So, I stand back and watch the self-destruction with much sadness and, interestingly, very little anger.
              In the meantime, I live a very happy and contented life! I date every now and then and completely surround myself with all that is good!

          • Don't Put Up With It

            Jana, I read your replies to my question about whether you would take him back, there’s no reply thingie on there so I’m replying here. Everybody’s case is unique and I can understand your situation. It sounds like you’ve made quite a good life without him, which I am very glad to hear, traveling, with friends, dating, that sounds excellent and very full especially with your kids and grandkids. And all he has is a babysitter. If it ever does come down to that and you do decide to take him back, make sure it’s not gonna bring down your life and y ou’re gonna have to do a lot of caretaking for him or handholding and leaving what may be a better life for you know because you have a sense of obligation or feel sorry for him. He did this to himself and you and your family, it’s his own fault. Don’t give up anything to take care of him or to tie yourself down. You deserve a good, happy and full life!

            • Jana H

              Thank you for your response! No, if he isn’t healthy, I have no space for him. My life with him was actually wonderful…until the last few years. I don’t intend to have any man in my life that creates stress and further trauma. It would take alot to believe he was truly capable of having a life with me again. My comment that I would take him back doesn’t mean I pine for him or that I am waiting for him. In fact, I hope I meet a man, at some point, that is healthy and enriches my already happy life!

    • Jennet

      Don’t put up with it thank you for sharing your story.i can understand so much of it.
      I can’t advise you on what to do that’s for you to decide.
      What I would say is tell him you know about the messages etc. Illness or not why let him believe everything is ok when it’s clearly not.
      I think that would lift the burden from you
      And let you breathe again. Then you can focus on your future.
      I wish you all the luck in the world.
      Take care of yourself Jennet

      • Don't Put Up With It

        Thank you, Jennet. You’re a very kind person. I don’t really want to talk to him about this anymore. I reached a point where I say what’s the use. He’s been doing this for years, he’s not gonna stop. I don’t want to be the Marriage Cop, checking the phone, emails, etc. I only did this because I was literally setting up the phone and curiousity got the better of me. And sure enough….there it is. Same as before. I found out about her before his father died so that was before 2017, maybe 2015, 2016, not sure. That’s FIVE YEARS. He’s not gonna stop. Hell, for all I know maybe he’s still doing on-line dating – just not on the phone! He really loves this person on some level…..maybe he doesn’t love her more than me, maybe it’s a different kind of thing, but he gives her the things he doesn’t give me, which is what hurts. I’ve talked to him repeatedly about the need for being kind, saying nice, affectionate things to each other, making love….not just sex, which he simply is not even interested in (at least with me) anymore. Doesn’t do any good. He is what he is at this point and I think the only thing that would get through to him – maybe – is leaving. I kind of long for freedom at this point, even though it scares me. It is hard to think of being alone again after 22 years but freedom is also opportunity.

        I do love him and care for him, and I wouldn’t leave him when he’s sick. Can’t help that, I just don’t think it’s right. We are like best friends, but it’s not what I want. I don’t think any of us want that. I hate that he hides this part of his life from me but I don’t even know what he’d say if I forced the issue and I don’t really want to know anymore. I think his behavior speaks for itself. He knows how much this hurt me but yet he keeps on doing it. The gifts really got me because that means he has to keep the ordering to himself and lying about where/how he got things. I could never do that myself, it’s too much work.

        I was thinking – this probably echoes what other people have said on this site – that a relationship like his with Mary is like splitting the marriage in two. You have one person for the everyday, the security stuff, the stuff that needs to get done,the kind of boring things that we all have to do, the shopping, the dishes, watching TV together, taking out the garbage, kids if you have kids. Everyday life – someone you can depend on, you feel comfortable living with, maybe you depend on each other financially. The meat and potatoes of life. And the affair partner is like dessert. Everything is fun, everything is romantic, you don’t have any worries, any tasks, you just say, maybe do if you see each other physically just really fun things together. It’s all peaches and cream. In a real, healthy marriage those 2 things would be COMBINED in one relationship. You’d have both the meat & potatoes AND dessert in ONE MEAL….with one cook. But somehow they split these functions instead of trying to combine them and finding them in one mate….which most of them COULD. Certainly he could. I”m certainly very affectionate. But that’s the way they frequently handle these things – by comparmentalizing and keeping these functions separate.

        That’s what cheats the spouse even more than the sex, I think. It’s robbing the spouse of love and affection and romance and the fun things of life that give it its spice and sizzle and make you want to GO ON taking out the garbage. Because you know there will be fun too. In hubby’s case, Mary did come first, many years before me and I just don’t think he ever got over her. It’s a fantasy at this point, of course, it has been for a long time. She hasn’t had to deal with all his problems for years, except for his awful family. But the parents are gone now and COVID has separated us from the rest (thankfully). But it doesn’t change that whole dynamic of meat and potatoes at home…..and dessert on the road.

        Thanks for your kind comment and for encouraging me to post my story. It’s not as dramatic or soul rending as so many of the other stories here that break my heart for these people. I just don’t want to see people make the mistake I did of staying in something when maybe they could have had more if they were willing to see it.

    • Jennet

      Don’t put up with it. You’ve said it ‘its a fantasy ‘ it’s not real life !!
      And it is so hard really,really hard not to compare yourself to the other woman but don’t do it because your imagination just runs wild. In my case I knew her she pretended to be my friend and she is nothing like me in any way and especially as I’m not a liar and cheat so I can hold my head up high but that didn’t stop me imagining just about everything,still do sometimes.
      Perhaps you should email Linda and doug they are so helpful.
      Another place is YouTube/marriage helper
      And I found a lot of help from books by
      Andrew G Marshall
      Get more perspective and I’m sure that will help you in your decision.
      This journey we are on is so hard and so confusing but you get there in the end.
      Take care all these people on this site are with you we are altogether in this horrible situation called ‘infidelity’ jennet

    • Don't Put Up With It

      Just a quick update here: Was perusing his text messages (no, I don’t feel guilty, I think it’s my right) and saw an update from his friend. Apparently she has a lot wrong with her physically – the latest thing is that her ankles are very swollen. I’m surprised by this as I think she’s a very fit person so I don’t know what’s wrong with her. He is very concerned and told her to see a specialist, etc, but I have to say, I was kind of surprised at my own reaction to this. I realized I don’t wish any evil on this woman and I hope she recovers from this. Maybe I’m a ninny but I don’t want to succeed at someone else’s expense. Maybe this whole thing is more his fault than hers anyway. I’m wondering if she might have a serious heart condition now. I’m kind of sorry for her. The saddest thing to me is that this is a whole area of his life I can’t discuss with him…..because I’m not supposed to know. Oh well.

    • Johnny

      My story, it’s being a year & 6 months, ( 6 months after D-Day), the relationship between my wife & her AP seems to be stronger than ever.

      As I battered, bruises, broken & feeling wearing & burn out, (latest, just come in knowledge, the bad mouth & sneering, she & her AP whatever of my flaws & the worst, my miserable & sorrow feeling of what’s going on & whatever past 1 year that I am totally blinsided).I couldn’t foresee it will stop & end.

      Alas, I am still hang on while bide the time to regain my strength & recovery. That’s the only thing I could do.

      As for the boundaries & whatsoever sort, I am powerless & she will give me very very strong, strong reaction to opposed, anything that seems to inflict & suppress her.

      I don’t want to ill wish, especially, against my wife. But I hope there is consequences for both, of their act, in future, if it’s not coming from me, (yeah, I promise to not seeking for any revenge, at all) hopefully, the divine intervention, will help.

      In the meantime, someday, I pray, I will get over her /AP, move on with my life & found someone new.

      Till that day, yeah, it’s ok to be a doormat while just try my best, to ignore whatever in play, behind my back. At least, now, I knew, whatever had happened, still happening, their modus operandi, almost all the sorrow that in store, & etc. Just need to absorb & choke it out, all. At the very least, now, I don’t really put much hope, anymore, especially if she is continue, to be like this. No remorse, no sorry, no at all, while keep having fun with the AP, whatever, texting, sexting, nude pics & videos, physical sex (of course) & if I did something unpleasant, go & cry, badmouth & sneering me, to the AP.

      End note, at least, I don’t live with guilt feeling, anymore, for whatever of my flaws & neglected, for, I don’t & never do anything like this, in our marriage.

      • Betrayed

        Hi Johnny, I am in the same boat but it’s my husband of 20 yrs and 2 kids! My 19 years old found out of may 27, 2022! It’s been 8 months and he keeps lying and gaslighting that it’s over but I caught them 3x with my own eyes! Just 2 weeks ago found histories of him looking her up, searching her, looking for love poems, looking how to say and show I love you to her etc!!! He even got her earrings, Apple Watch etc and me nothing! My job to care for the home, cook, clean and take care of the kids and family while he takes her on dates, concerts etc. I found his WhatsApp’s tiles that he saved. It hurts soooo sooo much!

        I cry daily for 8 months! I even have S THOUGHTS! I live In fear bc I fear he will see her but I am so stupid he’s already doing that behind my back after work! He cleans kitchens and hide Inside the transit and have sex with her!
        I am seeing a psychologist to work on me as to why I can leave and kick him out! Every time I caught them I told him to leave then I cry and beg him to stay!!
        I don’t want to be a doormat anymore!

        To top it off he knows my sister is fighting for her life. She’s has cancer! Stage 4 So when I see her he sees the AP! She’s 31 and knows he’s married with 2 kids obviously she doesn’t mind to see him only after work after 11 pm and for him to call her when he’s pooping!L or pretending to be in the bathrooms for long time!
        How sad! How cruel! How hurtful ! How inhuman! Why cheat! Why won’t he leave bc he eats his cake and have it!

        I pray for all marriages and all spouses like you and I going thru such hell! This is hell we are living in!
        One day we will find the person to love, respect and be loyal to you! God feels our pain and collects our tears! He’s a good God and he’s a God of love and compassion!
        God bless you and all of us suffering !

        • Terrible Husband that cause the wife to cheat

          I am Johnny. (Not my real name). Nice to know you, here. Yeah, we could talk, till this is over.

          • Terrible Husband that cause the wife to cheat

            Oh my, pity you. What you are going through, now, is definitely, DEFINITELY, double worst than me. I wish you, to stay strong, strong & resilient, to go through, this. Yes, keep praying.

            But mine, I don’t know. I could not, still couldn’t, to unlove, her.

            One day, I wish, she will be gone, but for most of the days, to wake up, & see her on my sight, still the most happiest & blissful, day, ever. & when she is not around, how I feel lonely.

            I don’t know. My timeline is on this August.
            But, till that day, either I walk or she kick me out.

            I know, their relationship is more stronger now, not only from text MSG’s, but with the money (she give to him, thousands worth) & new car (she buy new one, but that guy involved in the process & will keep it first) & bla bla bla (their songs & movies is minor act, already).

            As for the boundaries, I am hapless & could do nothing at all, as she did ask for divorce, since day one, the D-Day, already & keep repeating several times, when we were arguing & her gaslighting me, except, to shield myself, from snooping & avoid her, when she is texting. (Maybe still sexting, too).

            & at the same, I try to keep our relationship, in spite of the irk, disdain & rejection. In short, it’s more sorrow & worse than before, the only differ, she is bit warmer with me, now. (But just bit, not that much, & to compare with her AP, I am still the beggar & doormat). Lucky, I feel bit stronger a little bit now, whatever. I wish I could use this not longer remaining time, maybe, for the send off, I wish not that miserable send off, hopefully.

          • Broken but healing

            Nice to met you Johnny. I would not want to post my real name here either.

      • Dick

        Johnny, mine started September of 21. You need to understand that you did nothing wrong. These cheaters just want a thrill in life, thinking that we did them harm. My wife finally sent me divorce papers yesterday. When she left she didn’t want any of her belongings. Now she wants 50% of everything. LMFAO. She got fired from her job, the one I paid for with her going to school to better her life. The ap had everything to do with her getting fired but she refuses to see the truth. I did so much for her in our 33 years. The lies that come from her mouth. The ap got into her head and made it easy for her to act out like she has. The cheater will never admit that they are wrong, it’s something in their chemistry that makes them do the things they do. From what I have read and learned from d day is that most cheaters will not take responsibility for their actions. They want to bury it under the rug if they come back. Then the worst part is that they will cheat again. You can NOT change someone if they themselves don’t want to change. That is sound advice. It’s for anyone stuck in this situation.

        In 2018 my wife had breast cancer. Unless you have had to deal with it you will never know what it took from me. I was ready to go broke. Cancer and our healthcare system is the worst. I was her rock, it silently killed me but I never showed what it did.

        When someone can’t see what you have done for them then it is just all a waste of time. The day I told her it was over and I don’t care anymore was the day the weight was lifted from my shoulders. Yes I have a huge hole in my heart, but I can’t look back and cry over spilled milk.

        The effects on my family from my wife’s actions will take generations to heal. I can see what it is doing to my oldest granddaughter. She refuses to take any responsibility for her actions. She put the ap’s name on all the x mas gifts this past year. Thinking that if she pushes him on my kids they will accept him. If she wasn’t my kids mother they would have nothing to do with her. They all think she is out of her mind. She is in a fog and probably going to take years to understand what she had done if she can ever take responsibility for her actions which most will not do. Any thinking person knows the grass is not any greener on the other side of the hill. These people live in some kind of fantasy world. Thinking the ap is fulfilling some void in their life. At some point they will see the same problems.

        Just remember Johnny, life ain’t easy, it’s even harder when your stupid! lmao!

        I’m 64 and never thought I would have to deal with this kind of bs. But yet here I am having to pick up the pieces once again. I do know at this point in my life that the pieces I pick up will only be for me and the new person I have met. I refuse to be the dummy again.

        To all of you having to deal with these kinds of situations I hope you make it through. I hope it all works out. But you really need to think about what you are going through and know that you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fault. We all are our own people, none of us are easy to live with. If your not 200% committed and your spouse is to then it really isn’t worth your time or effort.

        • Terrible Husband that cause the wife to cheat

          It’s seems we are in the same boat. Mine, End of August 2022., the D-DAY. ( The complete physical & emotional affair, already a year).

          If want to talk, in private, you can e-mail me too as we both still fresh of this.

          & me, still not talking & lash this, to anyone, within our circle, yet, as my every intention & determination is, to save, the marriage & I want to protect her & especially my son, from this. But it’s very tough. Even tougher then the affair, itself.

          Now, I am slowly talk, to complete strangers, like, in here & Doug, too, slowly, feel, ease, alas, definitely DEFINITELY, long way to go.

          • broken but healing

            Johnny! WE have a long journey ahead of us! This trauma caused by our cheating spouse will take years to heal. The AP lives 5 mins from us! So he can ride his bike and said he’s going on a mountain ride bike to her place and come home.
            I live in fear and I am tired of it
            I go to his job to check on him at times. this is no life! He cleans kitchens and floors etc and afterward F her inside OUR transit! The transit is stand up so he doesn’t have to hunch his neck. How convenience for them!

            Every time I pass her exit, every time I hear her name, every time I see an apple watch,, etc are triggers for me.

            I play the movies over and over in my mind. At times I feel like I am going crazy. I curl up in a ball and just cry in the bathroom b/c if he sees me crying he gets frustrated and yells at me!
            at times, I wish he would just walk out and leave me in peace.
            you can email me anytime as well.
            I want to know what you are using to help. I listen to YT, spotify, sermons etc DAILY to help me not think of him and the POS side slut! shes a side slut and a home wrecker is what he is! I HATE her w/ a passion and him as well b/c he open the doors to let evil in.
            Now my family is a mess. My older one who found out the affair is so angry, filled w/ hatred and talks to me very rude b/c I stayed w/ a serial cheater!

            • Cold Heart

              I give you my email, ignorant_face [@]

              Thank you

        • Terrible Husband that cause the wife to cheat

          Sorry for misinterpreted your comment. (You mean, September, 2021, right) Yeah, it’s hard to focus, this days, since the D-Day.

          Btw, I read it, again.

          Yeah, the fault is on us, definitely. (As according to them). In your case, you have every right to feel so, the grief, the injustice. &
          Me, too, except, it’s very true, too, that, I am not good husband, not like you.

          Not that I am very flirtious or whatever. I am very loyal & faithful. In fact, since I was with her & especially after we get married, I am cut off, all females friends, be it, school friends, law school friends or even co-worker’s. I am really put a distanct. Only occasionally, like festive wish, in contact with them. In short, I devoted all, to her. (Ironically, now, I found it hard, to befriend, anyone, anymore, I mean, female friends & for them to be anywhere near to me).

          But I do acknowledged my lacking & her love to me, before. (Now, the AP got all that, to make me more sickening). She was a great wife & lover, actually & in truth, she is the one who put & gave more effort, than me.

          But subtly, I did the same, too, actually. It’s just, not her type, and/or what she look & hope for, for her, (fill by her AP) to notice that. & I am not the type, to point it out, too.

          About taking care of her, she have several medical concerns, ie endometriosis, slip disc & etc, but not that life threaten, like yours. Still, she is the one that will exeggerated that, & prone to side effects, of the medical treatment, if the doctors not paid the attention of her allergics or the strong reactions. She thought, I am not all out to deal & be with her about this, but, sometimes, we could get frustrated, too, especially, even doctors also found it’s hard, too, except the experienced & really great one. (Long & ongoing). Not that it will stop her, to stab me, especially, when she got COVID 19. (in which,later, I half guess, from her AP, as both got COVID 19 at the same time, & that was the very first time, the physical act started).

          I heard what you said, & thank you.

          I know, she will never take me back & her heart already, with her AP. & they might be an exception from the study.

          I just bide my time, since as per what I am stated in my previous comment. (Because love, feel guilty of my lacking & etc).

          Anyway, thank you, Dick. It’s feel ease, to talk, actually.

          I wish you well, too. Hopefully, you will find one, too, who know. As for myself, she is the all I have now. It’s not easy to unlove someone, especially, the one, your first couple & wife. (My first love is the one that she was always jelous & feel threaten, about, all this while, because before her, I am only had one, one unrequited, love). The bonding & whatever we going through, yeah, it’s too strong. Even with all this, I found, myove to her, is definitely stronger. As I stated, I am determined than ever, but yeah, she already make her mind & very insisted on it.

          So as for that’s that.


            Your title said: Terrible Husband that cause the wife to cheat”. PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!!! She is the victim of her own sin! When my husband of 20 years cheated on me w/ FULL ON relationship for 3 times (the latest one OUR 19th year old found out on May 27, 2022!). He’s a coward and won’t say how long, her name etc… I tracked him and found out some info.

            The cheater is the victim of their own sins! It’s NOT OUR FAULTT! The 1st affair and 2nd affair he said ” I made him cheat”. he treated me like sh&T and I took it. The 2nd affair, I was in my death bed (3 surgeries after OUR 2nd kid was born in 2011. The AP emailed me of the 3.5 years affair – they were co workers! even when she exposed the affairs, she loved him SOOOOOOOO MUCH! She wanted to be w/ him and wanted him to leave his wife and a new born! What a CU&T!!!).
            The 1st lady was 19 years old!! OMG what a sick bastard.

            This time it’s a 31 years old, 19 years Youngers! Tells me crap, how pretty she is, how intelligent, independent, great job etc she has etc et.. How HE FEEL IN LOVE W/ HER FOR A SEASON, it’s a fantasy,, etc etc.. I took all that crap . It’s 9 months now. It hurts like a mother! Yes he’s sexting her, talking, Face timing etc… I am not stupid.. he yells and screams AND cussing that it’s over. I said “YUP, it’s over like you said 9 months ago and every time I asked you!”
            He came home smelling like perfume and I asked he screams and yells and said ” I am leaving, I am moving out, I am tired of this!” Yet his lying cheating axx is still here!

            One day I will BE strong enough to say F off! I am seeing a pyschologist now! I am so messed up from what he did to me for 20. years. I used to think I am the victim but I am nOT!!!!

            I AM NOT THE HORRIBLE WIFE THAT CAUSED HIM TO CHEAT!! he’s a serial cheater, is his pattern! I didn’t put a gun thru his head to make him cheat! I didn’t put a knife around his throat to keep his pants up!
            WE are NOT the problem! If he has problems w/ us, talk about it or divorce us DON’T CHEAT AND TREAT US LIKE SH*T!

            • Cold Heart

              Hi, nothing I could said, except, condolences & wish you, well. & yeah, your husband is really terrible, to do so, especially the 2nd affairs. I wish you, the great recovery.

              Sorry, for bring bit emotional. Maybe I shall change more sound positive name. But, it’s true too, I feel that way.

              I don’t know. I feel & acknowledged that she give almost everything, before. That’s all. & yes, I still love her, very much. The family, especially. I don’t want to give up, easily, on this. But, yeah, to bide the time, means, to give them more & more time for the love to grow. But I take this risk, anyway. & try to be as calm as ever.

              Till it’s enough, & truly over.

    • Terrible Husband that cause the wife to cheat

      I don’t really put a hope of the study numbers, either. It’s being already almost 2 years, (1 year & half the actual romance & physical, 6-7 months, after D-Day), my wife & AP relationship still stronger than ever.

      The only difference is she is bit warmer now, with me. But still way way lacking than when we were, before. Not only that, I knew she & the AP also, like the new couple.

      In short, our future/ marriage, still look bleak, still.

      It’s just me who want to still hang on & pleads her, to give it time & save the marriage. I try to work things out, too & I do it anyway, until it’s really over. First few months, it was worst, as I never feel that low, ever, then, slowly, very slowly recuperate, then, fall over again, but now, slowly again, to feel better, as I already accept the AP existence, whatever had happened & still happens, but now, I shield myself from snoopotracking, whatever they do behind my back. (Unfortunately, could not avoid, to found out, she is, not only give him money, thousands, but also, the new car that she just buy, its him, who keep that car, first, so it’s safe to say, they might be the exception, right).

      Nevertheless, I wish, I could go through this, till the end & pick up whatever the pieces & the time left, between us. & nevertheless, too, this article is give me strength, too, to still believing, regardless, how bleak it seems. For the love of me to her & our family, for whatever sacrifice, she make, to make our marriage, possible, & for all of my lacking & neglected, over her, along this time. (Partly, I blame myself & acknowledged I am the culprit for this).

      Still, if it’s over, my dark side, silently, pray, they won’t make it, too. Of course I love my wife, still & want her to have a happy blissful, life, but I am really really really despise that guy. (I am in good relationship with her ex husband, so, it’s not that over bitterness & jelousy that make me feel, too).

      So that’s that. Till next time.

      Again, my gratitude & thank you, to Doug.

      P/S :- if there is an answer how long, usually but untypically, for the affair fog & especially the limerence, to last? I might wait, keep waiting, till I bleed to dry, but, sure, would like to have bit hint, for that.

      P/S/S :- Am I will regret this, not 100%, too, as day by day, its a wake up call to me, too, to learn & keep learning, to be more better man (I am not competitive, person, so it’s slow me down, to improve myself) & to become not terrible husband, again, in future, (either with her or I don’t know, who).

    • Cold Heart

      Could not email you as I don’t know your email. You can email me, btw.

      ignorant_face [at]

      Oh my, how could your, older…??? My son is very calm. I just know, he already knew about this,
      long before my D-Day, from the letter he wrote, to my wife. & my wife keep the information from me, about this.

      I am glad, he is like that. But still, actually, he is a stepson, from my wife previous marriage, so, naturally, he will follow his biological mother, later, if this will be over.

      Thank you, & see you.

    • Jennet

      Whatever the cheaters say they made the choice to betray their partner.
      Good luck Jennet

      • Cold Heart

        Thank you, Jennet.

        Yeah, before, I could not imagine, how it feel. Cheating just a word. Knew, it’s sorrowful but until you face & deal with it, now you know, how much it’s, the pain & affected your self health & life.

        Not only, because of the affair itself & the uncertainty of life. But the reactions, too, such as clandestine, the lying & gaslighting, to blame, condemn, with hurtful remarks, so do the cold, disdain & rejectful treatment while you are, aware, how much she is longing for her affair partner, both the emotional & sexual desire.

        • Cold Heart

          To the extend, the one night night, 2-3 or even 10 nights stand, is nothing at all, as compared to this.

    • Jennet

      Hi I still stand by what I’ve said in previous posts.
      That Cheater’s made the choice to betray their partners. It is they that are the selfish liars that think they are going to get away with it! Without any consequences whatsoever and when they get discovered and they usually do no matter how long it takes. It is the betrayed partner that is left to do the rebuilding of a relationship that is shattered beyond words while they try and get over their ‘so wonderful’ fantasy person. Doesn’t even occur to them that they are liars and Cheater’s too.
      I may seem bitter about it all and maybe I am to a certain extent but only because I feel I have spent the last 3.5 years trying to get my life back together ‘FOR WHAT ‘ someone else’s ‘,Fantasy’ and I’m tired of it all. So now I just concentrate on myself and what I want out of life. It’s time to put it behind me and look forward.
      Just a recap on my life I have been married for 52 years been together for 54 years and my husband cheated on me for 3 years until I found out in 2019 with a much younger woman that pretended to be my friend. When I found out I told her husband so that really messed it up for her and then reality hit them both.
      I have COVID to thank for my marriage’s survival because I truly believe if I hadn’t been living in a very strict lockdown in a country away from my family I would have put the work in to get out of this hell that’s called : infidelity ‘ I can say that it’s been very difficult with many ups and downs along the way but we are together and happy with life as it is now. I have forgiven my husband for the pain that he put me through and I believe you have to forgive for your own wellbeing. Trust takes a very long time whether it comes back totally I’m not so sure.
      I wish you all good luck Jennet

    • Broken hearted

      My husband of 16+ years is having an affair with his coworker that he used to hate working with. He told me he wanted to be with me but just couldn’t last October and I was completely blindsided. It wasn’t until February that I realized the real reason he wanted a divorce was due to his affair not me or anything I’d done. I’ve confronted him multiple times and he still won’t admit to the affair, but he knows that I know what’s really going on . So I filed for divorce. I’ve since learned that their relationship is quite serious and I wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t already Engaged. We’re cohabiting but he leaves to go stay with her every other weekend and there’s nothing I can do. He wouldn’t go to marriage counseling and wants nothing more to do with me. We’ve been best friends since we were 15 and nothing I’ve said has made a difference. He’s determined to be with her. She cheated on her boyfriend of 5 years to seduce my husband. I always thought she had ulterior motives as far as he was concerned. Guess my instincts were right. My heart has been broken into a million pieces and I’m just trying to pick up the pieces, and some days are better than others. I’ve lashed out at him, I’ve lashed out at her, but all they do is ignore me or tell my attorney to tell me to stop harassing them. I’m the betrayed spouse and no one seems to give a shit. I was hoping he’d come to his senses but so far that hasn’t been the case.

    • Jennet

      Broken hearted, we are all there for you.
      We can’t change anyone other than ourselves.
      Please look after yourself no one matters but you.
      All I can suggest is be the better person ! You are not a cheat and liar,you have done nothing to deserve this pain. It was your husband’s choice! I believe if you look after yourself be the best person you can be you will get over this and live a happy life.
      Please believe in yourself!!
      Take care Jennet

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