Here are several resources for the unfaithful person aimed to help them with their recovery efforts.
By Doug
For the past several days the emails we’ve sent out have focused on helping the struggling unfaithful person by providing some resources that can hopefully make their recovery efforts and understanding much greater.
That said, I was thinking that not everyone who visits our site is an email subscriber, and those who are may not always open and/or read every one of our emails.
So, I figured I would include all the resources here as sort of an unfaithful resource for recovery “mini-hub.”
As I’ve mentioned many times in emails and on this site, it’s very clear that most of the unfaithful people I’ve mentored or coached over the years are struggling with what to do and how to help their betrayed partners throughout the recovery process.
Here are some things I typically hear:
- How can I better help my spouse to heal?
- What am I doing wrong?
- How do I keep my cool when talking about my affair and my spouse is angry or emotional?
- My spouse believes that I had deep feelings for my affair partner, but I didn’t.
- I can’t make my mind up on whether to stay or go.
- My spouse and I are stuck
And that’s just a sampling.
So, with that in mind, below are several resources aimed to help the unfaithful person in their recovery and healing efforts.
Four Lessons Learned
Here’s a great article written by our friend, Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC. It’s called, 4 Lessons Learned: 20 Years After My Affair
Tim is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Nationally Certified Counselor with a passion for helping couples in crisis. He also offers several courses for both the unfaithful and betrayed spouse for healing, change and renewal that you can find here: Courses to Heal and Renew
When the Unfaithful Person is in “Limbo”
A while back we conducted a coaching session as part of The Affair Recovery Movement, that we wanted to share with you.
Psychotherapist David Feder and I discuss the period known as “limbo” when the unfaithful person is trying to decide whether to stay in the marriage or leave for the affair partner.
Here is what was discussed:
- The typical mindset of the unfaithful person who is having a difficult time deciding between his/her spouse and the affair partner.
- The mindset of the hurt partner.
- What stops the unfaithful person from making a decision?
- Should a hurt spouse set a boundary and force the other spouse to make a decision? Or should they let things play out?
- Should a hurt spouse maintain physical relations with the unfaithful person when they are in this limbo period?
- Is there a recommended process for an involved partner to go through as they try to make a decision?
- What about the hurt spouse…What should they be doing at the same time?
You can listen to the audio by clicking this link.
Or, you can just push the play button below to listen now.
Why Did I Cheat?
Not too long ago, Sarah P. and I had the pleasure of speaking with renowned author and marital therapist, Andrew G. Marshall about his latest book, Why Did I Cheat?
During this discussion, we dig deep into the “why” of infidelity and why so many betrayed spouses are told their wayward spouses no longer love them in the same way.
You can listen to the audio by clicking this link.
Or you can listen below.
If you’d rather read, you can download the transcript in PDF format.
Understanding the Betrayed Spouse
Here are some resources that will help the unfaithful to better understand their partner and what they’re experiencing.
First, here’s a 14-page guide called Understanding your Betrayed Spouse and is part of our program, The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair
And here is an article from the blog and a guide on understanding the trauma an affair causes:
Understanding the Pain of an Affair
Dealing With Guilt and Shame
The other issue that is quite prevalent is that the Unfaithful person feels a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. They understand just how much they have devastated their partner, as well as hurting many other people in their lives.
As a result, many unfaithful people out there are trying to find a way to cope with the feelings of guilt and shame.
It’s important to accept the fact that our actions cannot be erased or undone, but that we can dig deep inside and discover some ways to become a better person by virtue of this experience.
So, the first step is letting go of thinking “if only…” and looking toward “what can I do to demonstrate that I’ve learned an important lesson” from this experience. No matter how difficult something is to deal with, there’s always the potential for learning from it – and using these learnings to forge a more responsible and more fulfilling life. This focus and process can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret.
Every crisis we face in life is also an opportunity to grow stronger, and responsibly dealing with the fall-out from this experience can actually strengthen you as a person.
Here’s a link from the Affair Recovery Movement to an audio with Psychotherapist David Feder where we talk about some positive ways in which an unfaithful person can cope with shame and move forward:
Or, once again you can listen below now:
The 24 Most Common Mistakes Made by The Unfaithful Spouse
Once an affair is discovered – and for a considerable time moving forward – it’s very common for the unfaithful person to make a ton of mistakes.
We put together a guide a few years ago that is basically a listing of these mistakes. It’s called, “The 24 Most Common Mistakes Made by the Unfaithful Spouse after Infidelity”
There you have it. We sincerely hope that these are beneficial in some way!
8 replies to "Several Resources for the Unfaithful Person"
Doug,
I love this article. Thanks for providing these valuable resources. 🙏
I just listened again to the interview with Andrew Marshall. So good!!! I think his book Why did I Cheat is a valuable read for both the BS and CS. It’s getting the CS to actually access many of the resources you listed that seems to be the problem.
It’s been nine years since D-day and to this day I don’t know if my husband will ever dig deep enough to figure out the why. He has read some of the book, Why did I Cheat …..just bits and pieces. It takes a great deal of courage to face the why….he is just not there yet. I’m not sure if he ever will be.
He shows deep regret and we have come so far. But I can’t help but wonder if there will always be a part of my heart that is walled off. Do you ever really get over the fact that for whatever reason…..they threw you overboard.
Thanks again for all that you do.
Shifting impressions
I feel I may never be able to give full access of my heart to my husband either. I am only one year out. If I look at my husband objectively he is not able to dig that deep because he never had to. No one ever taught him.. I have seen growth in him but truthfully I knew he did not have the depth of emotion that I did when we got married. I was young and believed love was enough and maybe it is…. It’s just not safe for me to give my whole heart to him. He can not dig deep enough to have another answer to “why?” then “because I was an awful human that did not love myself”… so I am working on building both of our self esteem.. I am sad and tired but full of hope. He has truly done a 180 and we are working together and working on us..
Your comment about thinking a part of your heart being walled off hit so very close to home. Thanksgiving morning was awful as it was a trigger of the EA so I went to watch the sunrise while my family was sleeping. I was asking God if I was going to be ok.. if we were going to be ok.. if it was it ok to love someone with only half of my heart..and as the pre dawn light touched the morning sky and the sun began to rise it chased the still gray with beautiful colors of red, purple, orange and pink! But then it just stoped and there were places the light just could not reach.. still and gray but no less beautiful.. just different.. and I think I got my answer.. there will be places in all of us that we wall up and the light can’t touch.. but there is still hope and grace ❤️💪🏼❤️
Thank you for sharing the contents of your heart and the insights of your journey. 9 year is a lot of love and courage.. hugs
Sarah
Thank you so much for your very kind response. Your words touched me deeply. They were exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. It’s almost as if I felt that wall crumble a little bit more.
Hi SI—when i saw the title of this article i kind of chuckled because i know no way my H would read this. He thinks we are years past discovery and it probably doesn’t apply to him anymore. Thing with history like this is it’s never in the past right? Especially for the betrayed. We still dig and try to analyze their actions and motives as if we will finally have an aha moment.
A couple of years after having gone through the trauma and more than a year of couples therapy all i wanted was for him to have his aha moment. Long after the proverbial fog and fantasy of the affair and even after the AP died from a terrible cancer all i wanted was for him to lovingly say that he had made the worst mistake of his life and that he still regretted ever having gotten involved with her let alone leave me for her. But nope it never came and it would have been so easy for him. I too continue to read and try to find answers that would apply to my H to assuage and mitigate my need for this kind of declaration but it never comes. I’ve accepted this deep hurt as something that i will take to my grave. It’s funny how hard we work to untangle this mess they made. What was really going on with them and yet most have no desire to do the work to figure it out for themselves. I dare say we even think we can do the work for them. We don’t do this with any other relationships that go awry. For the most part I’ve just given up and moved on with my life focusing on the more positive aspects but there’s always that nagging question and longing for some kind of admission to regret in the back of my mind. Hugs to you. I wish we were friends IRL so we could support each other.
TH Your support and friendship over these last years has meant so much….after all we are married to brothers right Lol! Your words and somewhat snarky sense of humor (which I love) have carried me through many a dark night!!
I have mostly stopped trying to untangle it all and stopped searching for the WHY. That is their journey and it’s up to them to take it…or not. You are so right!! We absolutely cannot do the work for them!!
My husband does show deep regret…we are able talk about it, without his defenses going up.
Thanks again for your friendship, it might not be IRL but trust me it’s every bit as precious!!
SI–I feel the same. Your comments have always been so helpful. I have always believed that what helps most is I don’t feel so alone. Infidelity is so isolating. The embarrassment, self consciousness, ego destroying play a huge and permanent scare on both our psyche and how we deal with most everyone in our lives. EMJ has always been a place I have been able to express myself and feel a comradery for sure.
LOL I think I would have slit my wrists years ago had it not been for my sense of humor. Yes we are married to brothers from another mother! Although your H is willing to discuss and mine will discuss for oh maybe a couple of sentences or shrugs or eye rolls!!! It is what it is right?
TH
You are so right….it destroys something deep inside. And yes this has definitely been a safe place to fall. And if we can find some laughter in it all…. I thank God for that!!