Here are several resources for the unfaithful person aimed to help them with their recovery efforts.

resources for the unfaithful person

By Doug

For the past several days the emails we’ve sent out have focused on helping the struggling unfaithful person by providing some resources that can hopefully make their recovery efforts and understanding much greater.

That said, I was thinking that not everyone who visits our site is an email subscriber, and those who are may not always open and/or read every one of our emails.

So, I figured I would include all the resources here as sort of an unfaithful resource for recovery “mini-hub.”

As I’ve mentioned many times in emails and on this site, it’s very clear that most of the unfaithful people I’ve mentored or coached over the years are struggling with what to do and how to help their betrayed partners throughout the recovery process. 

Here are some things I typically hear:

  • How can I better help my spouse to heal?
  • What am I doing wrong?
  • How do I keep my cool when talking about my affair and my spouse is angry or emotional?
  • My spouse believes that I had deep feelings for my affair partner, but I didn’t.
  • I can’t make my mind up on whether to stay or go.
  • My spouse and I are stuck

And that’s just a sampling.

So, with that in mind, below are several resources aimed to help the unfaithful person in their recovery and healing efforts.

resources for the unfaithful

 

Four Lessons Learned

Here’s a great article written by our friend, Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC.  It’s called,  4 Lessons Learned: 20 Years After My Affair 

Tim is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Nationally Certified Counselor with a passion for helping couples in crisis.  He also offers several courses for both the unfaithful and betrayed spouse for healing, change and renewal that you can find here:  Courses to Heal and Renew


When the Unfaithful Person is in “Limbo”

A while back we conducted a coaching session as part of The Affair Recovery Movement, that we wanted to share with you.

Psychotherapist David Feder and I discuss the period known as “limbo” when the unfaithful person is trying to decide whether to stay in the marriage or leave for the affair partner.

Here is what was discussed:

  • The typical mindset of the unfaithful person who is having a difficult time deciding between his/her spouse and the affair partner.
  • The mindset of the hurt partner.
  • What stops the unfaithful person from making a decision?
  • Should a hurt spouse set a boundary and force the other spouse to make a decision?  Or should they let things play out?
  • Should a hurt spouse maintain physical relations with the unfaithful person when they are in this limbo period?
  • Is there a recommended process for an involved partner to go through as they try to make a decision?
  • What about the hurt spouse…What should they be doing at the same time?

You can listen to the audio by clicking this link.

Or, you can just push the play button below to listen now. 


Why Did I Cheat?

Not too long ago,  Sarah P. and I had the pleasure of speaking with renowned author and marital therapist, Andrew G. Marshall about his latest book, Why Did I Cheat? 

During this discussion, we dig deep into the “why” of infidelity and why so many betrayed spouses are told their wayward spouses no longer love them in the same way.

You can listen to the audio by clicking this link.

Or you can listen below.

 

If you’d rather read, you can download the transcript in PDF format.


resources for cheaters

Understanding the Betrayed Spouse

Here are some resources that will help the unfaithful to better understand their partner and what they’re experiencing. 

First, here’s a 14-page guide called Understanding your Betrayed Spouse and is part of our program, The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair 

And here is an article from the blog and a guide on understanding the trauma an affair causes: 

Understanding the Pain of an Affair 

PTSD Information Guide


Dealing With Guilt and Shame

The other issue that is quite prevalent is that the Unfaithful person feels a tremendous amount of guilt and shame.  They understand just how much they have devastated their partner, as well as hurting many other people in their lives. 

As a result, many unfaithful people out there are trying to find a way to cope with the feelings of guilt and shame.

It’s important to accept the fact that our actions cannot be erased or undone, but that we can dig deep inside and discover some ways to become a better person by virtue of this experience. 

So, the first step is letting go of thinking “if only…” and looking toward “what can I do to demonstrate that I’ve learned an important lesson” from this experience. No matter how difficult something is to deal with, there’s always the potential for learning from it – and using these learnings to forge a more responsible and more fulfilling life. This focus and process can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret.

Every crisis we face in life is also an opportunity to grow stronger, and responsibly dealing with the fall-out from this experience can actually strengthen you as a person.

Here’s a link from the Affair Recovery Movement to an audio with Psychotherapist David Feder where we talk about some positive ways in which an unfaithful person can cope with shame and move forward:  

Listen to the Audio On Shame

Or, once again you can listen below now:


The 24 Most Common Mistakes Made by The Unfaithful Spouse

Once an affair is discovered – and for a considerable time moving forward – it’s very common for the unfaithful person to make a ton of mistakes.   

We put together a guide a few years ago that is basically a listing of these mistakes.  It’s called, “The 24 Most Common Mistakes Made by the Unfaithful Spouse after Infidelity”  

 

There you have it.  We sincerely hope that these are beneficial in some way!

 

 

    3 replies to "Several Resources for the Unfaithful Person"

    • Sarah P

      Doug,
      I love this article. Thanks for providing these valuable resources. 🙏

    • Shifting Impressions

      I just listened again to the interview with Andrew Marshall. So good!!! I think his book Why did I Cheat is a valuable read for both the BS and CS. It’s getting the CS to actually access many of the resources you listed that seems to be the problem.

      It’s been nine years since D-day and to this day I don’t know if my husband will ever dig deep enough to figure out the why. He has read some of the book, Why did I Cheat …..just bits and pieces. It takes a great deal of courage to face the why….he is just not there yet. I’m not sure if he ever will be.

      He shows deep regret and we have come so far. But I can’t help but wonder if there will always be a part of my heart that is walled off. Do you ever really get over the fact that for whatever reason…..they threw you overboard.

      Thanks again for all that you do.

      • Sarah

        Shifting impressions
        I feel I may never be able to give full access of my heart to my husband either. I am only one year out. If I look at my husband objectively he is not able to dig that deep because he never had to. No one ever taught him.. I have seen growth in him but truthfully I knew he did not have the depth of emotion that I did when we got married. I was young and believed love was enough and maybe it is…. It’s just not safe for me to give my whole heart to him. He can not dig deep enough to have another answer to “why?” then “because I was an awful human that did not love myself”… so I am working on building both of our self esteem.. I am sad and tired but full of hope. He has truly done a 180 and we are working together and working on us..
        Your comment about thinking a part of your heart being walled off hit so very close to home. Thanksgiving morning was awful as it was a trigger of the EA so I went to watch the sunrise while my family was sleeping. I was asking God if I was going to be ok.. if we were going to be ok.. if it was it ok to love someone with only half of my heart..and as the pre dawn light touched the morning sky and the sun began to rise it chased the still gray with beautiful colors of red, purple, orange and pink! But then it just stoped and there were places the light just could not reach.. still and gray but no less beautiful.. just different.. and I think I got my answer.. there will be places in all of us that we wall up and the light can’t touch.. but there is still hope and grace ❤️💪🏼❤️
        Thank you for sharing the contents of your heart and the insights of your journey. 9 year is a lot of love and courage.. hugs

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