Here are several resources for the unfaithful person aimed to help them with their recovery efforts.
For the past several days the emails we’ve sent out have focused on helping the struggling unfaithful person by providing some resources that can hopefully make their recovery efforts and understanding much greater.
That said, I was thinking that not everyone who visits our site is an email subscriber, and those who are may not always open and/or read every one of our emails.
So, I figured I would include all the resources here as sort of an unfaithful resource for recovery “mini-hub.”
As I’ve mentioned many times in emails and on this site, it’s very clear that most of the unfaithful people I’ve mentored or coached over the years are struggling with what to do and how to help their betrayed partners throughout the recovery process.
Here are some things I typically hear:
- How can I better help my spouse to heal?
- What am I doing wrong?
- How do I keep my cool when talking about my affair and my spouse is angry or emotional?
- My spouse believes that I had deep feelings for my affair partner, but I didn’t.
- I can’t make my mind up on whether to stay or go.
- My spouse and I are stuck
And that’s just a sampling.
So, with that in mind, below are several resources aimed to help the unfaithful person in their recovery and healing efforts.
Four Lessons Learned
Here’s a great article written by our friend, Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC. It’s called, 4 Lessons Learned: 20 Years After My Affair
Tim is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Nationally Certified Counselor with a passion for helping couples in crisis. He also offers several courses for both the unfaithful and betrayed spouse for healing, change and renewal that you can find here: Courses to Heal and Renew
When the Unfaithful Person is in “Limbo”
A while back we conducted a coaching session as part of The Affair Recovery Movement, that we wanted to share with you.
Psychotherapist David Feder and I discuss the period known as “limbo” when the unfaithful person is trying to decide whether to stay in the marriage or leave for the affair partner.
Here is what was discussed:
- The typical mindset of the unfaithful person who is having a difficult time deciding between his/her spouse and the affair partner.
- The mindset of the hurt partner.
- What stops the unfaithful person from making a decision?
- Should a hurt spouse set a boundary and force the other spouse to make a decision? Or should they let things play out?
- Should a hurt spouse maintain physical relations with the unfaithful person when they are in this limbo period?
- Is there a recommended process for an involved partner to go through as they try to make a decision?
- What about the hurt spouse…What should they be doing at the same time?
Or, you can just push the play button below to listen now.
Why Did I Cheat?
During this discussion, we dig deep into the “why” of infidelity and why so many betrayed spouses are told their wayward spouses no longer love them in the same way.
Or you can listen below.
If you’d rather read, you can download the transcript in PDF format.
Understanding the Betrayed Spouse
Here are some resources that will help the unfaithful to better understand their partner and what they’re experiencing.
First, here’s a 14-page guide called Understanding your Betrayed Spouse and is part of our program, The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair
And here is an article from the blog and a guide on understanding the trauma an affair causes:
Dealing With Guilt and Shame
The other issue that is quite prevalent is that the Unfaithful person feels a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. They understand just how much they have devastated their partner, as well as hurting many other people in their lives.
As a result, many unfaithful people out there are trying to find a way to cope with the feelings of guilt and shame.
It’s important to accept the fact that our actions cannot be erased or undone, but that we can dig deep inside and discover some ways to become a better person by virtue of this experience.
So, the first step is letting go of thinking “if only…” and looking toward “what can I do to demonstrate that I’ve learned an important lesson” from this experience. No matter how difficult something is to deal with, there’s always the potential for learning from it – and using these learnings to forge a more responsible and more fulfilling life. This focus and process can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret.
Every crisis we face in life is also an opportunity to grow stronger, and responsibly dealing with the fall-out from this experience can actually strengthen you as a person.
Here’s a link from the Affair Recovery Movement to an audio with Psychotherapist David Feder where we talk about some positive ways in which an unfaithful person can cope with shame and move forward:
Or, once again you can listen below now:
The 24 Most Common Mistakes Made by The Unfaithful Spouse
Once an affair is discovered – and for a considerable time moving forward – it’s very common for the unfaithful person to make a ton of mistakes.
We put together a guide a few years ago that is basically a listing of these mistakes. It’s called, “The 24 Most Common Mistakes Made by the Unfaithful Spouse after Infidelity”
There you have it. We sincerely hope that these are beneficial in some way!