Maybe there are some consequences of an emotional affair that you haven’t considered.

consequences of an emotional affairBy Doug

Last week Linda wrote a post about the stupid things she did during my emotional affair.  The post brought some great responses from you guys, some of which were even humorous.  In fact, the comments got me thinking that maybe a post about stupid things a cheater does in an affair might be a good idea.

As I thought more though, the fact that someone would have an affair is stupid enough, so maybe I would touch on some things to think about before you enter into an affair instead.  Consequences of an emotional affair that maybe you haven’t considered.

Besides the obvious reasons that pertain to things such as breaking your commitment to your partner, shattering your marriage vows, causing immeasurable pain to your partner, living with shame and guilt, divorce, etc., there are also some other less obvious consequences (or at least you may not think about) for not having an emotional (or sexual) affair.

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Have you ever seen the movie “Fatal Attraction?” What if your affair partner turned out to be a real nut job, and caused (or threatened to cause) harm – either physically or emotionally – to your spouse and/or children?  Since you may not know the real person you are having an affair with, are you really sure that this is beyond the realm of possibility?

See also  After the Emotional Affair: The Security I Needed

Your affair partner’s spouse or significant other may seek revenge. Have you thought about the possibility that an extremely pissed off husband may show up at your door at 3 AM and kick the crap out of you – or even try to kill you?  I’m sure the police respond to 911 calls related to this type of action on a daily basis.  But there’s no way that could happen to you, right?

You will lose some friends. After an affair has been discovered, it may become public and any mutual friends that you share will no doubt take sides.  Most of them will not take your side.  You might as well kiss your friendship with them goodbye.

You could lose your job. This could happen not only if you are having an affair with someone you work with, but also if you hold a position that requires high morals and integrity.  President wannabe John Edwards may have a few words of advice on this one.

Financial ruin. I imagine divorce attorneys ain’t cheap.  Neither are child support and alimony.  Can you afford to give up at least half of your 401k and other investments?  I imagine trying to sell your home in this crappy real estate market isn’t easy either.  I think Tiger Woods’ indiscretions cost him about 21 million or so.  Granted, he’s got a lot more money left over than probably all of us combined, but I’m sure he wishes he would have used his head first before he literally f#@ked that money away.

You may lose your family. Your kids are not going to take your affair,  nor what you did to their mother/father in the process, lightly.  You may cause irreparable damage to your relationship with them to the point that they may never speak to you again.  But hey, on the bright side, I’m sure your affair partner’s kids and family will welcome you with open arms (heavy sarcasm)!

See also  Why My Emotional Affair Relationship Would Never Have Succeeded

Mental anguish and depression. You’re going to feel stressed out to say the least while living your double life and with the pain you have caused your spouse.  Full-fledged depression may set in down the road as well – especially when all of the above issues start happening to you.

I guess the main thought behind this post is that it would serve you well to think of the consequences before you enter into an affair of any type.  I didn’t think. Hell, I didn’t think of the obvious consequences!  But I was able to come to my senses soon enough before suffering these consequences.

I’m sure I didn’t think of all of the potential consequences of an emotional affair (or sexual affair), so if you can think of others, please leave a comment below.

What have been some of the consequences that have occurred as a result of your (or your spouse’s) affair?


    17 replies to "Consequences of an Emotional Affair"

    • mil

      My H’s EA has caused mental torture to me and him. Although it’s 3 years since I first found out, it’s actually getting worse. We went to Amsterdam for his birthday 3 weeks ago and I actually ‘beat him up’ mainly about his head and wanted to hurt him beyond belief at that moment. My arm was battered and bruised for 2 weeks after and I had to invent an excuse to people.
      Also, just over a year ago I hacked into someone’s email account to see if the OW put kisses on her emails to them or if it was just to my H. How pathetic!! The police were involved as the person reported the hacking and I was caught by the IP address. Luckily I was just given a warning.
      Every day is spent texting my H with repeated questions and comments to let him know what devastation I am experiencing.
      Our 2 sons who live at home have heard me grilling him about her late at night when I’ve had a few drinks and endless crying.
      The trust has gone for ever and my life has been ruined.
      Why don’t I leave him you will all be saying, that’s what makes it worse, I know he loves me to death and I keep holding out hope that one day my nightmare might end.

    • Girasol

      Good idea writing about the consequences of an EA.

      So many things went through my mind because I wanted to hurt the OW and at the same time hurt my H. I thought of the following crazy things: I never followed through with any of them (I thank God for giving me the good sense to not act on these things), I’m still ashamed that I event thought of them. Here are more possible consequences:

      -Getting into her teenage’s son’s facebook page and make an announcement about his mother, the tramp. In other words destroy his relationship with his mom. An alternative was to meet the kid at school and tell him.

      -Calling her sick mother and tell her the “truth” about her daughter, the OW.

      -Creating a facebook page for her, since I had access to her photos, and set it up as if she was a prostitute selling sex.

      I had no idea that I could think things like the above before my H’s EA. I felt as if an evil alien had taken over my body because I didn’t recognize myself.

      I wish I had had the wisdom to spend as much time on being positive and creative back then when the EA was happening. I’m mostly grateful for not acting on any the above.


      • Nony

        Me too! I had never thought of doing such horrid things in my life (and frankly, my thoughts and dreams even were a bit more violent in nature).

        I have never wanted to actually harm someone’s life like I wanted to do to this OW. I know she has a husband and children, but I truly wanted her to feel the same level of humiliation and shame that she has put my family through.

        I think I might have gone over the edge if anything serious had ever happened between them, if my husband had left. That would have affected my child and that brings out the ‘momma bear’ in me.

        I still wonder what will happen when she returns to his office. She is currently on a maternity leave, but will be back in any day, or by the end of the month.

        We shall see…and I’ll have to reign in my anger towards her. I loathe having all these feelings towards someone I haven’t even met. It’s awful. Yes, I am angry at my husband, but I have, from the moment I found out, decided that I would forgive (for now) and move forward only, not dwell on something that almost happened.

        Some consequences of his EA are the fact that every thing he does to try and make things better or when he says things like “but I’m a good husband, I bought you and brought you to a great restaurant,etc.”, I always look him in the eye…and he knows that I don’t think he’s so great no matter how many fancy restaurants or romantic weekends (he just took me to Lisbon for HIS birthday – ha!). I just want a husband who is loyal to his family which means NOT cheating or lying to his wife and child. The rest is just a bonus in a happy marriage. He keeps buying gifts and doing things. I wish he would stop, but I let him because I think it makes him feel like he is doing something proactive to save our marriage.

        I just wonder if it is a band-aid. Will this wound ever heal? Will I ever trust him again? I trust him to do certain things, but I will NEVER trust him with my heart. I always have one foot out the door, ready to pack a bag and go if he ever hurts me again. Once was enough!

        Good luck to all of you (us)!

    • Melvin

      Another consequence of a cheater’s affair – Fallout from Cheater’s Family (Mom/Dad/Brother/Sister).

      My DW’s sister was cheated on by her husband. She threw him out and eventually they divorced. DW was there to help console her and helped her work through it. They had a tight, caring relationship. I can see now that their relationship isn’t so tight anymore. Not sure exactly why but I do believe that the sister now thinks less highly of DW. I’ve taken the high road on this and won’t discuss the EA with her family. I really don’t want “he said-she said” stuff complicating our delicate (and still in progress) marriage repairs.

    • Andrew

      These are all good examples of the consequences of having an affair. Unfortunately, even though the cheating spouse knows that any/or all of these things can/or will happen, they do not take heed. They honestly believe that it won’t happen to them, and do not even think twice about it happening to them. My wife knows that there is a real chance that there are some consequences that she is about to face, but she is still so caught up in her own little world, that it doesn’t matter to her right now. Oh, but it will, once that harsh dose of reality hits her. It really is sad that people can’t just do what they are supposed to. If you have problems in your marriage, but won’t work them out with your spouse, then do not go find someone else as long as you are still married, plain and simple! If you really want out, then get out, it doesn’t help anyone by dragging it out under the pretense of “searching for yourself”, or for whatever reason or excuse you give. Do the right thing and be open and honest to your spouse, regardless of the outcome, for it only hurts them more by lying and hiding everything. Too much energy is expended trying to maintain an affair and hide everything, and all the stress that comes with living a double life. That energy should have been put into fixing the problems you had in your marriage! I apologize for getting a little sidetracked there, everyone. I just had these things on my mind. I am not judging anyone, by any means. I just think that if you are unhappy about your marriage, do something to either change yourself, or change the situation. Don’t make it any more complicated than it already is by involving another person. Ok, I’m good now. Needed to vent.

      • John

        Hey Andrew,

        I am right there with you, my W is having an affair and i see them all time. Like she says shes going to wine friday at Ericas, well guess what, thats where it started. W if 43, Erica is 37 and her father is 59. The kicker is Erica does not know W is doing her old man.

        You see, W used to come home after drinking around 10, but for months she would come home at 1 am or the next morning. I saw her getting in his truck up near my house, its the opposite direction from where she was drinking with her friends. So, she leaves the house walks towards my house, making other people think she is going home, then Ericas father drives up away and picks her up near my house.

        I pegged her several times, like why did you get into his truck near out house and I saw you phone on “find my phone” at a hotel. All she did was deny deny deny. Well W, if its not true why did you change phone numbers when I caught you, if your innocent.

        So, my rule is, once they cheat, they will always cheat, her problem is, I have a job and she does not. I guess she thinks her lover is going to pay her bills. The only bills he going to pay or the hotel bills.

        Anyway, we have 3 kids together and all she does is complain and insult me about how bad I am. So I called her bluff about filling for divorce. This happen in oct. She said she want a divorce as soon as possible, ok done. She got a letter from attorney to call them to set up mediation time. Well, she did not call, she was drinking too much and told them she did not understand the letter. Then we set up another time for mediation, she cancelled that too, because she said the lawyer is working for me not her. (I said you were the one who wanted me to get the lawyer) So now we have a court date to force mediation near the end of Jan.

        Funny how thing seem to be drawn out when she wants its as soon as possible but cant commit to a date. Reminds me of our marriage, cannot commit and everything is my fault. You guys should know how it feels to live with perfection. Every step is criticized.

        Oh, she is a cake eater, although I have total control of the money, she will not move out because; 1) she had only a 3hr job a day 2) all bills are paid by me 3) she has a place to crash after she get laid 4) she leaves me with the kids, which is ok on the weekends, so she can go get drunk, and have sex with this other guy.

        At first I was mad, but then came to term, she may not be worth the fight since she cost me so much money being married, and I was thinking that I need to send him a gift basket to thank him for testing her, because I now know that she is not worth fighting for if she would sleep with you.

        Anyway, my W is losing a lot when she leaves me and she knows it, even states it, but this guy is older and has money, but it will not last because the affair is built on lies and deceit. And he will see a lot more or her when its over and its not going to be pretty. Especially when she balloons up again.

        Right now shes on a high loving the sex and the man, but alcohol and affairs will end and she will look back to see what she built with me is destroyed and her half of my retirement, 401k, medical is gone. Hope she does not get sick.

        Thanks my piece of the EA of my life.

    • RR

      It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Things really haven’t been going good. My husband has had to deal with alot of the consequences Doug mentioned. He ended up losing his job because he was the OW’s supervisor. His friends and family still don’t know, but once they find out they will lose all respect for him, especially his sister who’s husband left her for the OW. He is still seeing the OW. This relates to the other topic on feeling like a teenager again. She’s 26 and he’s 43. What an ego boost there. He sneaks out in the middle of the night and will leave after I get off work and not come home until the next day. He has done some very horrible things. He has involved his kids. He took them to the beach, lunch and to the park one day with her. A “fantasy” family outing with the OW. My kids are 3 and 4. He got hammered the night before our anniversary, spent 500.00 on gambling and then spent the night with her. Money is already tight because he is unemployed. The texts between them seem very childish. She threatens to cheat on him if he doesn’t commit to her. The texts I find don’t even seem lovey dovey like you would think. Its all about pressuring him to make a committment to her. They seem to have their little “lover” quarrels. She has even said that she may be pregnant twice. I told him that she is trying to trap him and he doesn’t even see it. She says that she wants is to be a family and since my husband hasn’t made that happen she is moving on. He sneaks her over our house when I’m at work. She moved across the street from us and they told everyone in the neighborhood her name was Anna, but of course that was an assumed name. She did move about a month ago. One night I went to a club with a friend and he snuck her over while I was out, while the kids were in their beds. What if they woke up and saw them? She even sits down the road from our house asking him to sneak out. When he didn’t her response was, “so I’m suppose to accept the fact that your married and that we will never be together.” But, she sticks around. He goes over to her house where she lives with another couple in their 20’s.
      He is doing all of these horrible things to out marriage and to our children.He is emotionally abusive and destructive. His drinking has gotten worse. He doesn’t even see it. He says it hasn’t affected our kids. They feel the tension in the house and see their mother cry and they see him with another woman, and it hasn’t affected them? I really see him as pathetic and have lost respect for him. It’s unfortunate that someone would do so much to the people they love and to themselves that they will later feel regret for.

      • Doug

        RR., Sorry things have deteriorated as they have. Some story. It sounds as though the OW is a bit of a nut bag. He obviously is too far in the fog yet and can’t see it. I’m no therapist, but it seems he is demonstrating some very addictive-like behaviors. Are you familiar with Dr. Willard Harley and his book Survive an Affair?

        Dr. Harley has what he calls a “Plan B” for when a cheater fails to leave the affair partner. Basically it is a last resort and involves a separation. I won’t get into much more of the plan but according to Harley it can be quite effective. You might want to read the book, or visit his site at and search for Plan B and see if it is appropriate for your situation.

        • RR

          Hi Doug, thank you for the advice. I just found his phone this morning and she is telling him she’s pregnant. He says he is going to be there for her 100%. I don’t know she may be lying. But, he told her that he loved her and that he needed her in his life. Apparently he was suppose to go see her on Monday night and Tuesday night, but he didn’t and she says she upset. It’s a completely insane world for me right now. He’s still telling me he wants his marriage. He’s lost it and now our kids are having to pay the price.

          • Nony

            Stay strong for your children, and if he really is having another child with the OW – you might as well move on with your life as well. What’s the saying about riding two horses with one behind?

            It’s hardly a fair situation, but you deserve (and more importantly, your children deserve) a far better and stronger man as a husband and father. If he can’t get out of his fog and has impregnated the OW, he may be too far gone to be able to truly “work” on the marriage.

            My husband and I are still working, but as I have said previously, once was enough. I forgive him until I find any other lies. Then it will be time for me to move on with my life and my child.

            Hang in there – maybe something wonderful is around the corner for you!

    • cindy

      My husband had an EA with a close family friend of his parents and his sister. When it finally came out, the OW told my husbands parents and his sister awful things about me and why my husband was allegedly unhappy. My husbands parents and sister believe the OW! We have been married 21 years and his sister and i were best friends! My inlaws and I have always had a good relationship! Too say i was hurt and flabbergasted by their reaction would be the understatement of the year! My husband and i are working through things slowly. He is 51 and having a mid life crisis which precipitated the EA in the first place. It is so so so difficult knowing that my husband an I will eventually be ok but that his parents and his sister have sided with this family friend over me. So hurtful. I can only imagine this will eventually cause more problems bewtween my husband and I because he is close to his family. What a waste! Why cant these cheaters imagine beforehand what will happen?

    • cindy


    • Jackie

      “Mental anguish and depression.”

      I believe my H started his EA because he was in the mist of a mid life crisis with mild depression. Once he was rejected by the OW he still couldn’t stop seeing her and went into a full blown deep depression, which now he is taking multiple medications for…and now is struggling with shame, confusion, a marriage in crisis, mood swings, and lots of mental anguish. He has damaged the trust between his spouse and his kids, the people who loved him most. All for a fantasy. Now he is not sure of what he wants in life anymore. He can’t seem to trust anyone any longer…even himself.

      If he had worked on his unhappiness and depression in the first place, repair would have been much simpler. The EA offered him an easy escape…but what a price to pay!

    • theresa

      RR what do YOU want? How do your current actions affect the way YOU feel about YOURSELF? The worst part 9f what I was dealing with was MY not doing anything to satisfy ME. I felt like I was punishing myself.
      Every step you take toward what you want may feel like torture, but you have to take that first step.

    • ZZZ

      It has been costly, ie: keys locked in car, auto accident, boating accident, etc. No wonder cause it causes chaos.

    • angie

      We’re 19 days post-discovery of his EA. I came home unexpectedly from a trip and her car was in my driveway. They were out to dinner together.

      The consequence that could have been ours was my life. One of my strongest urges that night was to kill myself. Not because I couldn’t live without him, but because I suddenly had no future at all. The future we were building no longer exists. All that exists now is pain and doubt and betrayal, and I’d just been through our 2nd late-pregnancy miscarriage 4 months prior, so I had reached my breaking point of tragedy and loss. I couldn’t handle any more pain and loss.

      And because I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me…permanently (and would sooner accomplish this by hurting myself than another), and I knew he would have to live with that for the rest of his life. I wanted him to feel bad. I wanted HER to feel bad. Forever.
      Of course I thought later how he would probably then be suspected of murdering me. Or could have hurt himself trying to wrestle the knife from me.

      The twist is, none of this was about me. I was the LAST thing he (and she!) was thinking of…yet I’m the first one to lose everything. Consequences can be examined in hind-sight, but they’re not even thinking about the one they’re betraying. They’re both just thinking about themselves. Consequences don’t exist…until they do.

      And what are HER consequences?? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She walks away clean and we are both left broken on the ground to pick up the pieces of our shattered life together.

    • jim

      One of the big things you don’t touch on much is when you ae seeing an affair partner you always see them most likely at their best. Every hair in place. Dressed nicely? Cleaned up. Not having to keep house not worrying about getting the laundry done, Dishes etc. Are their Children? babies to burp Floors to mop, Furniture to dust Lunch to make. You get the picture. You are only there to get full attention and give full attention. How many people dump their Spouse or significant other and get married to their Affair partner and then realize they need another affair because this is exactly why they left their significant other to have an affair in the first place. all of the reality of stress in the home and messed up hair and an old T shirt and day to day problems, Time to escape again.

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