Thoughts on Jealousy in an Emotional Affair

I have been on spring break this week and therefore I have a lot more time on my hands to reflect and write about Doug’s emotional affair. It is amazing how being away from 26 eight year-olds clears your mind and energizes your body. For me it has been a good opportunity to think about things.  Doug however,  is probably counting the minutes until I go back to school. You will find that I am feeling a little outspoken this week and I believe my posts will reflect that. Sometimes it feels good to totally speak your mind and tell it like it is.

I can’t help but comment on Doug’s answer to Last2know’s question (scroll all the way down to April 7 comments). I know I may be taking a simple comment and blowing it way out of proportion, but what the hell, I have earned the right.

Honestly when I read about how jealous Tanya was of his relationship with his wife and family I couldn’t help but laugh. To me it represented solid proof just how screwed up an emotional affair relationship really is.

I thought to myself what she possibly could have to be jealous of. She had all the control. He was putting every bit of energy into their relationship and totally neglecting ours. I didn’t even know she existed. Obviously, he was giving her everything she needed to feel safe and secure.  So what was her problem?

What did she have to lose? If it all ended she would still have a husband (obviously one she wasn’t real fond of), but still a husband, a house and a family that was intact. I stood to lose everything. I know that she wanted Doug to be with her.  However would she be able to handle his relationship with me, and his kids? Would she still continue to be jealous? Would Doug be the next subject of her complaints? Sorry honey, but yes she probably would find “something” wrong with you. As the saying goes- “Once a complainer always a complainer.”

I just can’t believe how twisted the thought process– or lack of –is when you are involved in a marital affair. To think that it is OK to be upset when a man speaks nicely about his wife of twenty five years or spends time with his family. After I read the comment I text Doug and asked what he thought about her jealousy and complaints. He said it bothered him. I thought well yeah I wouldn’t have been too fond of it either.  So what were you thinking?

I guess it goes back to what Doug had said in an earlier post:  “An affair is like being on a drug.”  You are receiving all the good feelings without thinking a lot about the consequences or the flaws of the other person. You dismiss what you don’t find attractive and focus on what that person is giving you at the time.

Unfortunately what a person in an emotional affair doesn’t realize is eventually you will have to meet the whole person. The million dollar question is will that person be someone you want to sacrifice your life and family for?

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11 Responses to Thoughts on Jealousy in an Emotional Affair

  1. Last2know April 9, 2010 at 11:00 am #

    I feel bad for Tanya’s husband. For all we know he’s a great guy, just like you and I are great people, yes we realize we weren’t meeting our H’s emotional needs, we have learned that the hard way. So he wasn’t meeting her emotional needs. Of course Doug isn’t going to be jealous of her husband because of how he perceived him based only on Tanya’s complaints. I haven’t asked my H if the OW was jealous of me, I was very well known (still am) and well liked at the workplace even after I left. I know people still approach my husband and ask about me. I do believe there was an element of jealousy in my H’s EA (on both sides) because when I would call him during lunch (when they were together) he would rush me off the call and say “love you” in a quick garbled tone. Then not call me back for hrs. I always thought it was because he was around the guy’s and we women know that ain’t cool for man to tell his wife out loud on the phone that he loves her. But once again I was wrong. Linda, I think she made her jealousy apparent to Doug for more attention, affirmation and basically gain more power. If he didn’t talk about you then that meant more feelings for her and less for you. So I could be wrong but my guess is that after a few of those “pouting sessions” Doug was careful with his answers to the “so how was your weekend” questions. Afterall who was he living with? Who did he physically go home to every night? Who’s bed was he sleeping in? Hey that’s a hard pill for any OW to swallow. Doug could have at anytime had sex with her, moved out, but he didn’t so what message did that send to her. Doug was sending her that message without even knowing it. Be glad for her jealously, it’s an emotion, a feeling and it made her feel like crap, which is what she was anyway. We learn more everyday. I gave my H my “hate list”. I really wanted it to be a “hit” list but I could be arrested if discovered..hehe. He has been different this morning….good. I will be waiting to see What Doug has to say. Stay with me Sister……

    • admin April 9, 2010 at 5:55 pm #

      Love2know, I love you! I wish I had you a year ago. I love your perceptive behind Tanya’s jealously. Sometimes it’s hard for me think about her and their relationship as less than perfect. The more I understand the more it reminds me of a silly high school romance. The jealousy, the constant calling, the illusions etc. I have been so far removed from all of that, I feel that our relationship was way beyond all that, more deep, commited, secure. I suppose in some ways that was a bad thing, that is when you may begin to take your spouse for granted. Well I believe we have all learned that we can never do that again, somehow we need to try to have it all. Excitement, newness, security, commitment.

      • admin April 9, 2010 at 6:38 pm #

        Last2know, Can’t turn my brain off. This may be another possible reason for the jealousy. Maybe she realized deep down that Doug was still in love with me and that she was only a temporary fix.

  2. Last2know April 10, 2010 at 9:59 am #

    Of course she knew that, she couldn’t be THAT stupid oh but then again, she was. Unfortunately a year ago I couldn’t be of any help. I was feeling secure in my marriage and my H was in an EA. I was unaware so I wouldn’t have even understood what an EA was. But I’m here now, unfortunately and fortunately. It is such a hard thing to go through unless someone else has been through it, well they just don’t understand. I wish I could sit and have coffee or a shot of tequila with you.

  3. Maria April 23, 2010 at 1:43 am #

    I have just found out about EA and WOW it all makes sense now!
    It blew me away the information I read but it made me realise I was not to blame (as I thought I was not good enough etc etc). I believe EA has alot to do with men who have committment phobia – this was also very interesting reading. Yes, even married men have Committment Phobia – I was able to tick 38 out of 40 of the identified traits and I had been with my man for 9 years. Pretty scarry to realise what is going on behind our backs and we have no idea about it – but it all comes out at the end of the day and there are always consequences to everyones actions.
    For all those survivors of EA – be proud of yourselves – we survived the hurt, pain, anguish, lies and deceit.

  4. Artii February 11, 2011 at 3:49 pm #

    I understand that most of you ladies have been on the bad end of an EA, but I can assure you, as the OW that it doesn’t feel like that. From our point of view (as screwed up as it might be) we are falling in love with someone who is living with, in love with, sleeping with someone else. The jealousy is overwhelming. My ‘friend’ and I are very close (he is in denial of what this is – I’m pretty sure it’s an EA), and there have been topics of conversation (usually conversations about their sex life, or stories about when they first met) that make me feel utterly sick. I want him to love me the way he loves her, and while I know he’s already jepordising his marriage by ‘knowing’ me. It’s just not enough. I want to know everything about him. I can’t get enough of him, but when I find out too much it hurts. The ‘problem’ with an emotional affair is that the whole sexual side is denied, which causes you to obsess over it. Sex doesn’t happen in an emotional affair, yet he’ll usually still be sleeping with his wife. It’s obvious how feelings of jealousy can escalate, especially when sexual relations are denied in order to ‘protect’ his marriage – to pull it back from being a ‘proper’ affair. You feel that you are in some way scarificing your natural feelings for the benefit of his marriage. Horrible. I hope this helps see it from the ‘other side’. I don’t want to be the enemy. I’m just interested in both sides of this issue.

    Aartii

    • Yuki February 11, 2011 at 5:29 pm #

      You’re not getting any warm and fuzzies here. What you are doing is wrong. Get out of it before you hurt everyone involved, including yourself. Find someone who is unattached and available to give you the love and attention you desire.

      • Artii February 11, 2011 at 8:01 pm #

        Not here to be told what to do. Just trying to shed some light on the OP jealousy issues that were raised.

  5. Broken2 May 11, 2012 at 9:03 am #

    Linda I believe the OW is jealous because deep down inside they know this man really isn’t theirs at all. It’s all fantasy and fun and games. My CS OW actually friended my daughter on FB and was going to come over to our house so my daughter could do her hair (shes a hairstylist). She also went out to the bar with my daughter and the girls from my hubbys work. Sometimes when I am with the family and the kids are all playing I picture her sitting in my life with my kids and my husband and I wonder did she actually think she was going to take my place? They are jealous because our lives will never be theirs.

  6. Jackie May 11, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

    Two people “in love”, infatuated, obsessed with each other are not people who are rational. Nature or our emotional brain can really cause us to be our own worst enemy sometimes.

  7. ataloss May 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    Linda, in your post you mention that in an EA both parties are just concentrating on the “good” feelings and can quickly dismiss any negative feelings. I know that was true in my H’s case. He admitted to me several alarming things that she said, including that it made her sick to think of him having sex with me. Yet he ignored it. I would never have imagined that he would dismiss some of these things in her, yet with me every little thing seemed to be an irritation!
    I so appreciate your point that “eventually you will have to meet the whole person.” I think deep down he knew that he didn’t want her “whole person,” just the part that met his emotional needs right then. One of the first things I said to him when I found out about the EA was that all she knew about him was the good stuff. She never held his hand in an ER, stayed up with him all night when he was sick, etc.
    As for the jealously, I know she was/is jealous of the life we have. She told him several times. And I think she should be. She will never have the history, connection, or deep feelings that he and I share. Obviously we did get to the point where the EA was possible, but I see it as a wake up call to fix things before they are ir-repairable. She will never even have that chance with MY H.

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