Recently, a number of new dating sites for married people who wish to have affairs have cropped up. This article is a warning that we cannot become too comfortable when our spouse may or may not have ceased having affairs.
By Sarah P.
If are unsure that your spouse has stopped having an affair, this article is for you. I have some important information to relay to you and my desire is to relay this information without triggering you.
When your spouse has had an affair I believe that information is key. I believe that all the information you can get is key to your survival or the survival of the marriage.
New Dating Sites for Married People Wanting Affairs
Recently, a number of new dating sites have cropped up for married people who wish to hook up. The most concerning dating site that has been launched is also the most nefarious one.
This new dating site works by a person’s geographical location at any point in time. A persons profile is online for only 30 minutes and within that 30 minute window, they will have a number of people available to them who are in the same geographical area.
In the past, if a cheating spouse went to the grocery store for 45 minutes this was not unusual. A betrayed spouse could know they were really going to the store for some milk. Or, if a spouse is 45 minutes late due to the commute, this is also not unusual… until now.
With this new hookup site, they can post a profile and be hooking up with a complete stranger within a 30 minute window of time. After which point their profile is deleted, and there is no longer any trace of their profile being on the site. If someone were to have a private investigator check for a profile, it wouldn’t be there.
This new app literally covers all the tracks of cheaters. They can meet a stranger within minutes for a quick hook up. This site was built for people who want to hook up anonymously and immediately. They can do so and leave no trace of their actions.
What About Trust?
I know some of you are thinking that this is where trust plays a role, I agree with you. This article is mainly for people who are unsure of whether or not their spouse is still looking elsewhere, or concerned their spouse may have relapsed.
This article is a warning that we cannot become too comfortable when our spouse may or may not have ceased having affairs.
But what about the hookup site? Are all marriages in danger?
My opinion is that this hook up site for married people is likely going to attract sex addicts. There are both male and female sex addicts and some of them are people who you would least expect to be a sex addict. So, if you suspect your spouse may be a sex addict or simply having a midlife crisis, it is important to know that such sites are online and have millions of members in your area.
What Can You Do?
This article was NOT written with the goal of giving you a panic attack. I believe in the phrase being forewarned is forearmed. I believe information is key to survival. We must be aware of all the outlets and occasions that open a door to infidelity.
As I have said many times, a person chooses to have an affair. You could be the best spouse on the planet and your spouse could still have an affair. No one is exempt from being married to someone who may stray one day.
In my research I have found many beautiful actresses and models have partners who have had affairs on them quite frequently. So, someone’s cheating behavior is not about how young their spouse is, how beautiful or handsome their spouse is, it’s not about how successful their spouse is. People cheat because they want to.
But, it usually goes deeper than that. If you ask some wayward spouses why they cheated they may come up with many different surface-level answers.
Filling the Void
However, there is truly only one answer. A person cheats because they have something inside themselves which is missing and they choose to fill whatever is missing by engaging in behaviors that hurt others.
Many people have the need to fill themselves up with external things. This might cause them to drink too much, seek out street drugs, gamble all of their money away, or have affairs.
A betrayed spouse cannot fill the void within a wayward spouse. It’s like attempting to put water into a bucket that is open at the bottom. That bucket will never hold water and will require a constant source of water to flow through it.
The need is so enormous that a betrayed spouse cannot meet this need.
Even if they could meet this need, they would be absolutely exhausted. A betrayed spouse would have to give up everything they do in life and be with their partner 24/7, in the same room, monitoring them. This is no way to live.
If you are a betrayed spouse and you are asking why it had to happen to you. I need you to know that you did nothing to cause it and you cannot control it. I need you as a betrayed spouse to know you did nothing wrong.
If your thoughts wander down the path of what you did to cause the affair, I want you to cease those thoughts because you did nothing to cause the affair.
In fact, it has been documented that many people choose affair partners who are actually inferior to you. So if you think it’s some thing you have done, that is absolutely not the case.
Still, there is nothing you did or can do about your wayward spouse’s need to have affairs. This is something deep inside the wayward spouse that they need to work out within themselves. Please note that I stress the idea that the wayward spouse must work it out within themselves.
An affair is a choice.
The Marriage House
The Gottman Institute talks about the concept of the sound marriage house. In short, marriage is like a house and both spouses tend to the house to keep it running, to maintain it and to truly make it a home of their own that is theirs alone.
When someone has an affair, the Gottman Institute talks about this being like opening a window to another person. In other words, both spouses need to stay within the house and tend to it, rather than opening windows to other people.
I like to be more graphic in my imagery. Imagine that your washer and dryer were broken. Under normal circumstances a couple would call a technician to come and service their washer and dryer. If the washer and dryer were broken, then they would get a new part to fix it. In other words they would fix the things within their house that are broken. When a person has an affair, it’s like setting the house on fire because the washer and dryer broke.
It would be insane to set fire to the house just because appliances were not working. That’s what it’s like when someone has an affair. Instead of tending to what ever it is within themselves or communicating to their spouse that perhaps they desire marriage counseling, they burn down the entire house and leave everyone’s lives in a pile of ashes. That is what an affair is: it is the thing that burns your life down to a pile of ashes.
So what do you do when your life is a pile of ashes ? Well, if we go with the house metaphor, a couple builds a new house together. This can be done through talk therapy, but the burden of recovery really is on the wayward spouse. The wayward spouse must cease the affair and see a therapist and do the inner work that is required so they will not have an affair again.
Life is about the inner path and this applies to all of us. We all have our inner journey that is ours alone. If we have issues we need to seek help rather than doing actions that harm those we love.
A person must be comfortable within themselves. Because if they are comfortable within themselves, they do not seek external validation.
Many people have affairs because they have broken pieces within themselves. Instead of seeing a therapist and reuniting all those broken pieces, they choose to act out in ways that are very harmful.
Once again I am reiterating that your wayward spouse had an affair because of something lacking within them. Betrayed spouses, there is nothing lacking with you.
***Do you know that I offer private, confidential, one-on-one mentoring? I would be honored to hold a non-judgmental space for you to grow and to survive being betrayed. I look forward to working with you. To learn more click here: https://www.emotionalaffair.or