Hedonic Adaptation in relationships

By Sarah P.

What do men like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Robin Williams, Ben Affleck, Jude Law, and Hugh Grant have in common? On the other side, what do women like Adrianna Lima, Christie Brinkley, Shania Twain, Jennifer Garner, and Liz Hurley have in common?

All of these people are bound together by a commonality that has nothing to do with the fact that they are all public figures.

They are all bound together by infidelity, with this specific male group being the perpetrators and this specific female group being the victims of infidelity.

But, it becomes even more specific than that..

All of the men in the above group were unfaithful with and/or sired children with women who were arguably a LOT less attractive than their own wives or fiancées.

All of the women in the above group have experienced and/or divorced wayward spouses who engaged in infidelity with women who were in an entirely different (lower) league than the wives.  What gives?

After all, many women grew up being told that the prettiest girl in the room always wins. There have been thousands of love songs written about beautiful women. We were told that female beauty is so precious that men were willing to fight on a beautiful woman’s behalf and even to die for her. One beautiful woman, Helen of Troy, sent thousands to war over her famous beauty.

Beauty has Power

When someone even mentions the word “beauty” in regards to women, a bunch of subconscious associations occur. Beautiful women are estimated to be smarter, trustworthy, kinder, and more in control of their lives than less beautiful peers. Thin and “beautiful” women even make more money than others who are not perceived in the same way.

This perception as well as the outcome of beauty has been studied and some of the following have been found: beauty/handsomeness equates greater success in politics, companies with good-looking executives have higher sales, beautiful people are perceived as more trustworthy and kind, and finally beautiful people are more persuasive.

In other words, beauty has power.

So, it would be natural to conclude that since beauty has such superpowers, it could affair-proof a marriage. It would be natural to conclude that if a man is married to a supermodel or a beautiful actress, he is going to feel like one lucky guy and worship the ground that she walks on. He might even actually do so for a while until one day he doesn’t.

This all-American Uptown Girl has lost more than one husband to infidelity.
This all-American Uptown Girl has lost more than one husband to infidelity.

A long time ago, when I was in my early 20’s, my friends and I used to believe this lie. Each of us felt that looking perfect was our best insurance against infidelity.

We spent hours each week at the gym, watched what we ate, styled our long hair, dressed in ways that were alluring to men, and used the latest make-up tips.  Some of my friends even got cosmetic surgery for their perceived flaws, which were in their minds only.

We figured that as long as we were attractive enough, we could control a man’s fidelity to us. We irrationally believed that beauty could cause a man to be faithful. We also irrationally believed that it was up to us to ensure a man stayed faithful.

We talked about how to dress, how to smile, how to walk, what to say, what to do, and how to behave to cause a man to stay faithful. We obsessed together over things our boyfriends said and did and what to do to get married. We figured that if we were good enough girlfriends or wives, our men would stay faithful and that burden fell solely on our shoulders.

It may sound like we were a shallow bunch, but we actually were not. All of us had Master’s degrees, were at the top of our classes, and had good jobs. Most of us volunteered for organizations like Habitat For Humanity and had high-minded goals.

Our little obsession with beauty and how to get commitment from a man was something we talked about in hush-hush tones only amongst ourselves.  Each of us incorrectly came to conclusion that not being pretty enough was the only thing missing.

Looking back at photos of us all during that time, I want to be able to send a message to those beautiful, young women (that we were at the time) and tell them that we had it all wrong. Each of us had chosen the wrong guy and that’s why we were not getting married. It had nothing to do with beauty because we had a lot of it. But, we did not know that. We still labored under the illusion that we could control the outcome with a man and the way to do it was to be prettier.

Twenty years later, all of us in this group of women have learned our lesson. Each of us has suffered the heartbreak of infidelity and one woman who is absolutely stunning has been through it several times over!!

After many years of heartbreak we learned that there was nothing we could do to control a man’s fidelity. We learned that a man’s fidelity is something he controls and that we cannot affect his infidelity or not in any way. It is his issue and his choice.

And yet…

It still always surprises us when people like Hugh Grant are literally caught with their pants down engaging in acts with a woman who is inferior to the woman to whom he is or was engaged.

See also  Video - Why Women Have Affairs

In cases like Hugh Grant there is no ambiguity in terms of the value of each woman involved. Liz Hurley was arguably one of the most attractive women and successful actresses at the time. Hugh threw his chance away with Liz for a prostitute.

So, even though each of us rationally knows that infidelity is a man’s choice, some still cannot help but wonder why on earth a man would risk his relationship with a beautiful woman for a woman who is far inferior to his girlfriend or wife. Worse yet, when a man is married to a model that always lands on People magazine’s Most Beautiful list and then cheats, we cannot help but wonder why.

Wired to Seek Beauty

We are taught that men are visual creatures and that men are drawn to beauty (and that, gee whiz, they just can’t help staring when a beautiful woman walks by!) Scientists tell us that men are literally wired to look and to seek out beautiful women.

When a man chooses someone who is not attractive even after imbibing five beers, it turns the whole men-are-visual thing on its head. I believe this is why we still take pause when we hear stories about the world’s most beautiful women being left for plain Jane’s.

In fact, we wonder why a man, who is married to one of the ten most beautiful women on earth, would be so entitled that he literally acts as if she is not enough for him? If men are truly visual, how could this be?

I have two words for you: hedonic adaptation.

Hedonic Adaptation in Relationships

It could be argued that this is the reason a man is unfaithful to a woman who is possibly the most beautiful woman in the world. I will state up front that I am linking the idea of hedonic adaptation in relationships to infidelity even though none has been proven.

In a nutshell this concept involves the fact that humans adapt to both positive and negative experiences. From what I have seen, there are not any studies or peer reviewed psychology articles that have specifically examined how the concept of hedonic adaptation might play a role in infidelity.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, a UCLA professor and respected scholar worldwide, has done ground-breaking work on the concepts of happiness and joy. But, happiness and joy naturally link to the concept of hedonic adaptation and Ms. Lyubomirsky has studied this concept in detail. Here is what Ms. Lyubomirsky says about Hedonic Adaptation:

“Hedonic adaptation is the psychological process by which people become accustomed to a positive or negative stimulus, such that the emotional effects of that stimulus are attenuated over time (Frederick & Loewenstein, 1999 ; see also Helson, 1964 ; Parducci, 1995 ). The “stimulus” can be a circumstance (new mansion in the hills), a single event (a pink slip), or a recurring event (thrice-weekly dialysis), and it must be constant or repeated for adaptation to occur.

The homeowner will experience hedonic adaptation as long as her mansion remains unchanged, the worker as long as he is unemployed, and the kidney patient as long as disease progression is kept at bay. If the new mansion is renovated to include a tennis court, the employee is offered a new job 2 weeks from Monday, or the dialysis treatment is extended, a brand-new adaptation process will unfold.

A question that is yet unresolved concerns whether the stimulus to which one adapts must be an actual situation (e.g., the situation of driving a particular car or being in a particular marriage or experiencing a particular offense) or the knowledge or recognition of that situation (e.g., “I own a hybrid” or “I am married to an alcoholic” or “She fired me”).

It is undoubtedly difficult, if not difficult, if not impossible, to disentangle these two aspects — for example, to separate being married (i.e., the complex stream of experiences that make up a marriage) from one’s identity and self-labeling as a married person, and researchers have yet to do so. Another unresolved question is whether reductions in emotional responses over time represent evidence of true adaptation or merely relabeling — that is, giving a different label to the same perception.” (1)

This Bond Girl was told by her husband that she was not enough for him and that she needed to turn a blind eye to his infidelity. (Scene from The Matrix.)
This Bond Girl was told by her husband that she was not enough for him and that she needed to turn a blind eye to his infidelity. (Scene from The Matrix.)

Cheating for a Head of Hair

It seems that hair can get people into a lot of trouble. In the Bible, the source of Sampson’s power was his long hair. We can infer that there was power in hair. Even today, The power of hair is apparent. Hair replacement therapy for both men and women is a multi billion dollar industry.

For men, restoring a full head of hair gives them the promise of lost youth. And often their confidence goes through the roof and they start acting younger too. A new found full head of hair will certainly cause younger women to notice and he will bask in his newfound glory. Hair is equal to sexual potency and youth. A man might take it too far after the hair returns.

Then, there are women who have heads of hair that others could only dream of. Some of these women know that they possess this power while others might use it to lure married men. When I was single, men would often mention how a head of long, full, shiny hair is a powerful thing.

When I was in college, I had a friend who was literally stalked by strangers and who received anonymous love notes under her door because of her hair. She had waist-length, shiny, dark hair that fell in perfect spiral curls. Her hair complimented her large, blue eyes and it seemed to drive men crazy wherever she went. One year she cut it off and all the attention dried up instantly. She still had the same beautiful eyes and adorable, petite figure. But, her hair was gone and she was rendered invisible.

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Hair still holds its power over some grown men. There was a husband/wife team in my friend’s workplace and both the husband and wife are doctors. Both are very attractive people by anyone’s standards, but the wife of the pair was even a bit more attractive than her husband. A slender, brunette marathon runner, his wife was as fit and beautiful as she was intelligent and caring.

One day she took a job at another clinic and the clinic where her husband worked hired several new medical assistants. One of the medical assistants, who was also married, had a long, voluminous head of naturally curly blond hair. She styled it and wore full make-up and provocative clothing to work. For whatever reason, none of their managers forced her to wear scrubs like the rest of the employees so she often showed up in the tightest jeans on the planet and low-cut tops. Why management allowed this is beyond me.

Well, the married ER doctor caught her eye and she caught his. It did not matter that he had a beautiful wife or three children. It did not matter to the medical assistant that she had a handsome husband and she also had three children. She saw dollar signs and he saw a full head of hair, which was unlike any head of hair he had seen before.

Obviously the medical assistant had nothing to lose by upgrading husbands. But, the doctor had a lot to loose. In addition to his beautiful wife and their three small children, they also owned a beautiful estate on several acres and investment properties. They seemingly had the perfect life—or at least that’s what his wife had thought.

He broke his wife and his children’s hearts and left for the medical assistant with gorgeous hair. The estate was sold; the investments were liquidated. The divorce did not go well and the children on both sides are permanently damaged.

He and the medical assistant just bought a smaller home in a nice city and the children, who are all under the age of 11, are shuffled between households. Even though both sets of children have been emotionally destroyed by the situation, the doctor and the medical assistant don’t care, just as long as they have each other and just as long as she has access to his money and he has access to her hair.

The point of this story is not necessarily the hair, but rather the principle of hedonic adaptation.

This ER doctor was living the kind of life most people dream of: healthy children, a beautiful wife, gorgeous homes, and a secure, generous income and retirement. I believe that most people would be in 7th heaven to live in such an ideal situation. But, not him.

He had adapted to all of those good things in his life and was now bored with being so generously blessed. He wanted to shake things up a bit and so when the medical assistant tried to catch him, he was happy to be caught. He did not think about all of the lives he would be ruining, all that he would lose, the trauma that he would cause… he only thought about being bored and getting a high off of something different. Because gee, it must have been so difficult to be married to a smart, beautiful, and kind female physician like his wife! What a hardship for him!

And so when the medical assistant who did not even graduate high school came along, well of course he had to trade up! (I am being sarcastic—it was clear he traded down.)

But, one flip of her voluminous, blond hair and one comes hither look from Miss Sassy jeans and he just could not help himself. He had gotten used to all of the good in his life.

Instead of focusing on and giving daily gratitude for his good fortune, he felt entitled to more. He had grown tired of his wife and children and that was that.

Apparently, he went through an extremely icky divorce, as did the other woman, but it doesn’t matter to them. Their needs are more important than anything else or anyone else’s needs. They were simply bored of their own good fortune with their spouses and had to find something different.

Even this stunning Brazilian “Angel” could not escape the betrayal of her husband.
Even this stunning Brazilian “Angel” could not escape the betrayal of her husband.

Kristy Simon explains more about how hedonic adaptation can play into this:

“An established theory from psychology can explain this. Dubbed as the hedonic adaptation, the concept explains that people are naturally predisposed to return to a relatively stable level of emotional state or well-being…Simply put, people have the natural tendency to get used to stimuli that initially had given them a profound sense of well-being or happiness. This is also true for romantic affairs or relationships.

The first involves a bottom-up process in which positive emotions from a relationship naturally declines over time. Essentially, an individual becomes too accustomed to the stimuli coming from the relationship, thus taking his or her partner for granted or considering the entire relationship as common or the new normal—nothing special or nothing magical. The individual then feels indifferent or disinterested toward his or her partner. With the passing of time, feelings fade and the relationship erodes.

See also  Deciphering the Cheating Spouse’s Stories

The second route involves a top-down process in which an individual increases aspirations for achieving positive life change in order to sustain or improve positive emotions. As an individual becomes more accustomed to the positive stimuli, he or she will begin to seek for novelty or demand more from the stimuli in order to sustain the same level of happiness. In a relationship, the individual would either become too demanding and controlling or seek another person who could bring forth a renewed sense of romance or intimacy. Thus, this is why cheating or infidelity transpires.” (2)

We have heard the old complaint that a husband usually takes his wife for granted, given enough time. This is exactly what hedonic adaptation in relationships is about. If it is not recognized and dealt with, it can be the root cause of an affair in an otherwise happy marriage.

Novelty becomes an over-powering driver and some will allow everything good in their lives to be destroyed just to add a bit of novelty. While we all experience hedonic adaptation, hedonic adaptation should never be an excuse for an affair.

Life throws us all kinds of challenges and emotions that we may not want to deal with and so we make excuses for ourselves when we don’t deal with these things in productive ways. Just because someone adapts to good in their lives does not mean that they must cheat or even take those around them for granted.

Mediator and Attorney, Laurie Israel explains more about how Hedonic Adaptation in relationships relates to infidelity:

“A number of academics are now working in the field of what makes people happy. Part of the work is studying the concept of “hedonic adaptation”. What this means is when we get what we want, what we wanted loses its allure very quickly. We adapt to the pleasures, and they are no longer strongly pleasant to us. That’s why the so-called “marriage boost” (the honeymoon period after a marriage) only lasts about two years.

What is a married couple to do when faced with this reality? Some stray from the marriage to try to achieve that “high” feeling again. Unfortunately, that “high” feeling, like the high when you first got married, also fades because of the “hedonic adaptation”. So often you’re right back at the place you started: working on a relationship that is imperfect.” (3)

Ms. Israel also a makes a good point in that the Hedonic Adaptation that might have led a person to look elsewhere will occur with the new flavor of the month that they have found. A person might think that his mistress will make him happy, but he too gets used to her.

I believe this is why 90% of men don’t, in the end, leave for the mistress. Given enough time he will figure out that he traded a real marriage for fool’s gold and he will be very unhappy indeed.

When the glow wears off from the fool’s gold, the men most often realizes that he has gotten himself into an incredibly bad situation and has possibly burned some bridges that will never be restored.

In the end, everyone gets used to a situation. We get used to something and when we do, we can either take it for granted or we can continue to show gratitude for it. In fact, writing a daily gratitude list or taking a daily inventory on everything good in our lives can help with Hedonic Adaptation.

Face it: if we are in a state of gratitude, we cannot take something for granted. Therefore, the perfect antidote to hedonic adaptation is sincere gratitude for the good in your life.  Even if there is a lot of bad going on at some point in time, there is also good going on. But, it requires looking for the good and sincerely, wholeheartedly focusing on the good.

This also goes for our partners. People get used to even the best of partners. But, as married people I believe that our marriages would be better if we fought this tendency and have gratitude for our partners, even on bad days.

Thus, the best way to handle Hedonic Adaptation in relationships is gratitude. If your spouse strays, remember that he will get just as bored of the mistress as he was his old life. Only, after the glow wears off, he pines for nothing more than for his old life to be put back the way it was. Whether this is possible or not is a different story.

Any thoughts or comments on this – or anything else?  If so, please share them in the comment section below


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Lyubomirsky, Sonja. Chapter 11. Hedonic Adaptation to Positive and Negative Experiences. From http://sonjalyubomirsky.com/files/2012/09/Lyubomirsky-2011.pdf

Simon, Kristy. Secret to Lasting Relationships: Hedonic Adaptation Prevention. From http://www.versiondaily.com/secret-to-lasting-relationship-hedonic-adaptation-prevention/

Israel, Laurie. Infidelity: An Opportunity for Marital Truthfulness. April 20, 2013. From http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laurie-israel/infidelity-an-opportunity_b_2621762.html


    49 replies to "Neither the Supermodel Nor the Housewife Wins: Hedonic Adaptation in Relationships and How it Could Play a Role in Infidelity"

    • TheFirstWife

      This validates my point yesterday in the previous posts about predatory women. Serial cheaters will never change. The new partner or spouse will most likely be a victim of the cheater. The new partner or spouse is stupid to believe anything is different and they will be the one to stop the cheating from continuing.

      Famous, less famous, pretty, glamorous, handsome, rich, funny, kind, in shape, out of shape, accomplished, educated, less educated, altruistic – none of those attributes matter when involved with a serial cheater.

      They are chasing the high and thrill of the new relationship.

      In my opinion serial cheaters do not change no matter how great the relationship they are currently in. They get bored and look for something new. A new challenge.

      How sad to be involved in that type of relationship. I was in that type of relationship for 6 months. When I was told what was going on I got out real fast. He kept coming around for about a year after that. It was not that he loved me (he was incapable of loving anyone but himself) but I was a thrill got him. He enjoyed the chase. But I would not engage do he finally have up after a year.

      His last pathetic attempt was that I was the one for him and he’s changed and let’s build a future together. Hahahaha

    • exercisegrace

      The picture of the supermodel above makes for a good metaphor. We see the supermodel when she has spent hours with professional makeup artists and hairstylists. We see her strutting down the runway in clothes we could only dream of wearing. Her beauty is amazing. The glitz and glamour we perceive to be attached to her lifestyle seems enticing. But if we lived with her, we would see the reality of her life. The days of no makeup, sweat pants, bedhead, and the fact she probably eats very little despite the fact she could afford entre’ into the best restaurants in town. The countless hours spent slaving away at beauty routines and time spent with personal trainers to maintain her commodity could become a real grind. I’m sure traveling gets to be a drag after awhile too. Plus, she has to pay bills, walk the dog, and a million other mundane to-do list items we all face.

      Marriage is like that too. We start off so flush with the “in love” feelings! But soon after the wedding petals have been pressed and preserved, we get a reality check with mortgages, morning breath, bad habits, balancing each others’ needs and routines, bills, etc. Before we know it, the children arrive. While love is “multiplied, not divided”, time is definitely not.

      I believe that most affairs are “perfect storms”. We were going through a financial struggle and the loss of two of our parents (among several other things) prior to the start of my husband’s affair. He had worked with his affair partner for 2-3 years before anything happened. He viewed her as a friend, and if anything, he overshared the issues we were facing. She was single, 11 years his junior and (we found out later) had a history of chasing older, married men. She was the polar opposite of me. She outweighed me by at least 100 pounds. She liked to drink and eat out at very expensive restaurants. She told him she didn’t like kids. The list could go on. What she DID have, was the time to pursue him relentlessly, make him the center of her attention 24/7 and tell him that his ungrateful and undeserving wife and children were the source of all his troubles.

      I think most affair partners are just the low-hanging fruit. Willing to be a married man’s side piece, they hold no real value. I think most of our idiot husbands know this. In fact, I think it makes it easier to cheat with someone who is so very different from the woman they chose to be their wife. Because they typically have no intention of leaving the marriage, they cheat with someone they wouldn’t want to be with even if they could.

      • TheFirstWife

        EG. I like your “perfect storm” analogy. Holds true for us too.

        Mid life crisis – created the unhappiness in him plus a few minor issues. But no real severe financial issues or illness or family problems. That is why it was a shock.

        I think for many who are not serial cheaters, the perfect storm scenario is spot on.

      • Sarah P.

        The other woman sounds horrid on all levels. Did you laugh your butt off when you found out who it was?

        When I get angry, I get really sarcastic, really quickly. It takes a lot to make me angry though and infidelity would make me flip my lid. If I found out that was what the other woman was like I would say something like: “Really? I am insulted that you would risk everything for that creature. If you were with Cindy Crawford part of me would understand, but that woman?”

        As for these supermodels and actresses, they are just like the rest of us and have morning breath just like you said. Still, it boggles my mind why a man cannot be satisfied with any of these women. That’s why it goes to show that some men cannot be satisfied by anyone over an extended period of time. In Hugh Grant’s case the thing that stands out most to me is that he paid for sex. Hugh Grant at that time could have had sex for free with any number of starlets and Heiresses. But, he chose to actually pay for sex. That says A LOT about him and the fact that a part of him just needs to act out the forbidden.

        • exercisegrace

          It no longer boggles MY mind, and I will tell you why. Because the cheating is not about the woman being betrayed. We have to take off our “normal” glasses and put on the “cheater” glasses. Normal relationships start because the two parties are single and available. They have a foundation of honesty and shared interests. In adulterous relationships, one of both of the affair partners are self-medicating some form of brokenness (depression, insecurity, etc) that has NOTHING to do with the spouse at home. Cheating spouses are not shopping for another spouse or a life partner. They want the (false) attention and the (fake) adoration. The whole relationship is a transaction. Sex and attention are commodities to be traded to make the cheater feel better about his inner turmoil. No real relationship needed!

          The whore told my husband that nothing was his fault, he shouldn’t have to participate in our family (he almost skipped going to the hospital when our daughter had surgery, but dashed through the door moments before they took her back!!!), we were ungrateful, he was perfect. We were leeches and he was the ever-suffering saint. That is what he really wanted. His ego to be jacked.

          Oh yes, my friend! I can get very sarcastic and mean. I had a field day and I held NOTHING back. I have a million names for her and what they did, LOL. I refer to her mostly as the “cum dumpster” and I told him several times I couldn’t understand why he wanted to out “cow tipping” her.

          • Strengthrequired

            Eg, lol.
            your great

          • Sarah P.

            That is so funny!! I want to hear the rest of the names. Hold nothing back with these guys because they deserve it.

            I like your comment about putting on cheater glasses to understand their motivation. One time there was this woman at my husband’s work (one of many) who was flirting with him and hoping to seduce him. She was really dumpy and ugly. She even offered to tell us her waterfront home for under market value and she did not try to hide the fact from me that she was obsessed. I still can’t figure out why she was obsessed. He is cute and successful but she was on the hunt. I ended up putting her in her place and she knows not to mess with me, just like pretty much everyone at his work. Will this ever stop him from cheating? No. But, I get really sick of the groupies that like to orbit. It is maddening. When I was single, I NEVER did that to a man who was taken, even if he just had a girlfriend. Any woman in her right mind doesn’t want to be someone’s seconds. Any woman in her right mind knows that if he dumps her for you, then he will dump you for another. And any woman in her right mind will have enough empathy to realize how hurtful it would be to put a woman through such pain. It’s something I could never do, no matter what the circumstance.

    • Kate

      I read on a blog written by a marriage therapist that in his 20+ year career he has a grand total of 2 – count em 2 – couples who were affair partners & left their marriages who are still together at their 5 year anniversary. I think that pretty much says it all.

      • TheFirstWife

        I was home sick one day watching Dr Phil. Topic was cheaters. Bunch of seemingly nice women who admitted they were divorced but only dated MM.

        One guy on the show was married to his 2nd wife that was his OWN during his 1st marriage. And he was upset she was cheating on him. Karma karma karma.

        PS Dr Phil debunked the whole theory of “it’s ok to date a MM b/c if it wasn’t me it would be with someone else” attitude. He asked them how they felt being used by someone and after the show 3 of the 4 women broke off the affairs.

        Why would anyone go on TV and embarrass themself like that??? They were all mothers too.

        • Sam

          Probably the same reason why people go on the Jerry Springer/Jeremy Kyle Shows(s), for their five minutes of fame. Some people just have no shame at all.

      • Sarah P.

        That’s what the statistics show too. Even if they do get married, which is a slim chance, it does not stand the test of time.

        • Sam

          Why? – just curious!

          • TheFirstWife

            A few of the reasons are they may be trying to blend two families with kids and that is hard.

            Also one of them usually ends up cheating (again!!).

            Odds are against them.

          • TheFirstWife

            Another reason is the relationship started as an affair. They will always be suspicious there will be cheating. There is little trust and the basic foundation of the relationship is not in solid ground but quicksand.

            There ex’s involved, money may be tight due to child support and/or alimony so it is not easy to start off.

            Then it’s his kids vs your kids and $$$ and patenting issues and the ex-spouses HATE you b/c of the affair and they broke up families.

            The list goes on and on.

            • Sam

              One of my neighbours (who is currently supporting us) her husband had an affair with a younger woman (ten years younger) and they are getting married this year (after five years); I think she is just seeing him as her jackpot gold, as he has a good job (isn’t particually good looking either)… I think she will plan to divorce him in a few years, or will have an affair and leave him penniless, in order to get to his money and cash… His son is even going to the paige-boy at their wedding (which I don’t know how the ex-wife is coping with).

              I don’t know how they can trust each other… especially her with him since he was texting and messaging her on vacation in Australia (with his ex-wife) all the way to the UK… what happens when the honeymoon period dies down?! Will he go hunting for fresh meat?!

    • Sam

      I agree with this post… it’s true in my dad’s case: he’s gone for a woman who is everything he hates (black hair, smokes, tattoos, masculine features, lowlife scumbag). As his childhood friend said he dosen’t know what’s driving him to her. He

      My dad’s OW says that he will never, ever cheat on her…??? I mean, what makes her so sure (probably just trying to perswade herself; just insecure, IMO), when I know he was cheating on her with someone (we believe to be her own sister; talk about a slap in the face), but she chooses to not believe us all. He’s left her once without telling her that he was leaving, even going to another city, and didn’t come back to her for two whole months, and if he can do that to her which is pretty disrespectful – he’ll do it again when the new wears off, and he gets bored of her (which he has bitched to us all about her), when he finds his new hot thing… he’ll drop her like a ton-of-bricks.

      Off the original list you forgot Brad Pitt… and what about Kenneth Branagh who cheated on his then-wife actress Emma Thompson with Helena Bonham Carter (who is a serial-homewrecker)… their relationship only lasted five years, then Helena moved onto Tim Burton who was also taken and married at the time – but she did get her karma when Burton was spotted kissing a young blonde in an alley-way in 2014.

      • Sarah P.

        Hi Sam,

        Well, your dad’s other woman sounds absolutely horrid too. She has some kind of hold on him but it will not stand the test of time.

        Brad Pitt– he made a big mistake when he left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. Jennifer Aniston is a total doll and comes off as a very sincere person. Angelina Jolie is just gross. I don’t care if some find her attractive; she gives off a gross vibe. I cannot believe that Brad Pitt did that and I have not been a fan of him ever since.

        As for Kenneth Branagh, what was he thinking?! Emma Thompson is also a doll, intelligent, beautiful, and real class act. I think Kenneth Branagh has an arrogant affect and he is probably a narcissist. Emma got her revenge when she married the younger “Willoughby” in real life.

    • Sam

      @Sarah P. –
      I agree with Brad Pitt, he traded down in my opinion! Angelina Jolie just comes off as cold and lifeless, whereas Jennifer Aniston comes across as down-to-earth and funny… But Jennifer definatly traded up with Justin Theroux, which I’m sure Pitt is bitter about (secretly, deep down)

      Emma Thompson also traded up with the very handsome Greg Wise, more or less right away… which I’m sure made Branagh envious.

      To make matters worse Kenneth Branagh’s mistress Helena Bonham Carter was also Thompson’s co-star in ‘Howard’s End’; which in my opinion makes matters worse… and neither of them seemed to care at the time. e.g. when Emma won her Oscar for ‘Howard’s End’ in 1993 (at this point Branagh had been nominated twice and lost both), then her one for writing ‘Sense and Sensibility’ in 1996, also with the ‘Frankinstein’ flop (which is where they started their on-set affair) impacted him and his career; I suspect Branagh and Bonham Carter were very bitter and jealous of Emma – probably why Kenneth pulled away from Emma and was attracted to Bonham Carter (who made him feel victorious as an actor, where as Emma made him feel inferior)… I agree he does sound very narsasistic (especially to me in interviews). But according to Emma she has forgiven Helena (which IMO takes a lot of strength).

      • Sarah P.

        Isn’t all of the above the truth!! Helena Bonham Carter and Kenneth Branagh have not really stood the test of time whereas everyone still loves Emma Thompson. She was brilliant in Sense and Sensibility and continues to be brilliant. As far as Jennifer Aniston goes, I sure hope that Justin Theroux is not using her. And yes, he is better in every way than Brad Pitt. I never liked Brad Pitt though. He seems to have no depth. Superficial men are just BORING.

        • Sam

          I hope Justin isn’t using Jennifer too… but from interviews that I’ve seen of his, he seems like a nice, decent guy. Also Jolie, could soon suffer a similar fate to that of Aniston, if reports are true of Brad getting involved with French actress Marion Cotillard on the set of their new movie ‘Allied’, set and filmed right here in England, and apparently Jolie is very jealous according to reports…

          What about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard…??? (many think he cheated with her on Venessa Paradis)… and now she’s divorcing him, making him a laughing stock and and wants all of his cash in the divorce proceedings. Karma, exists right there if there ever is some.

          I also read somewhere that Leann Rimes finds it hard to trust Eddie Cibrian, since she cheated with him, and I think she has the right to since we can all see it ending that way…

          • TheFirstWife

            Another laughable one is Tori Spelling (bHills 90210 fame). Cheated on first H and married Dean (the AP). They have 4 kids and do a reality show and he cheats again and gets caught. Duh!!!

            What did she think he wasn’t going to cheat b/c your Tori Spelling? They broke up two marriages and I believe he had a child with his first wife.

            How sad. But it goes to show you how patterns continue and for many it is just a continued pattern of behavior. Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen, etc. most likely will not change.

            • Sam

              The sickening thing is that Tori Spelling did a reality show showcasing his infidelity… I think she’s an attention and fame seeking cow, IMO… She’s still with Dean?! Probably for public appearances only; and I think she can put all of her money on the fact that he’ll do it again and again.

              Tiger Woods is a serial-cheater and philander, and I think Charlie Sheen is pretty messed up in the head to be honest!

            • TryingHard

              And apparently Tori and her husband are about to go bankrupt. BROKE!! I live Karma

            • Sam

              Broke? How exactly? They must have tons of cash from those pathetic fly-on-the-wall docu-reality show-series’s that they’ve done together, surely!? Karma X55! LOL!

              I heard that Dean blamed his cheating and affairs on his sex addiction… ha, laughable at best… though watching Michael Fassbender in the 2011 movie “Shame” I do think sex addiction exists; but some people just use it as an excuse for when they get caught: “HELP, I’M A SEX ADDICT”.

            • TheFirstWife

              You are so funny.

              After reading your post and being on this blog for about 2 years I realize we, the BS, are very similar.

              We all see the “reasons or justification ” or CS used to explain the affair. They are all excuses if some sort. Not that many of the CS don’t take responsibility and own up to it. They do.

              BUT they act like children. Wa wa wa. Life is hard. Wa wa wa my job stinks. Or my favorite is “I deserve to be happy”.

              We all deserve to be happy. But not to the detriment of your wife and children and family.

              I can be very happy meeting you, my H, in a nice hotel with romance and flowers. No kids to worry about. I spend all day pampering myself just for you. No mortgage or house to clean or laundry. My whole day is focused on being ready and available for my H. No bills to pay or lawn to tend to. No cooking dinner or buying groceries.

              If the OW doesn’t have to do that for you than I shouldn’t either. after all I am not the OW I am better than the OW.

              So of that is what makes my H happy then I can certainly be that kind of wife. Hire a cleaning service and eat out and have everything delivered to my door. Just like the OW.

              A relationship built on delusion and fantasy – not reality.

              How are the CS so stupid they just cannot see it??

            • TryingHard

              Hi Sam
              Yes Broke! LOL I guess they spent it all frivolously. Shocking right??? They are both creeps and it takes a lot of money to keep up that creepiness 🙂

            • Sam

              Yeah, my dad said the same to us all… “what about MY HAPPPINESS”… “What about WHAT I WANT”…
              Even the OW said: “what about what he wants”. She is deluded and is welcome to him when he starts controlling her and starts insulting her friends and family; he won’t be so Mr. Fantastic. She is obviously after one thing: “His cash and money”; she’s never in her life down her own house or place and is just looking at him as her bank account whereas he is looking as her with eyes of infactuation… “oh, I love her – but I can’t stand your kids, family or parents – they’re losers and scum” (which is what he has said to us all). I think she is just after OUR house, think he’s promised it her… but she won’t get it… Then she’ll be thinking why did I get involved with this loser: “I’m no better then I was before, he’ll probably cheat on me in the future and he’s an old man and I’m quite young still…”
              She’s deluded if she thinks that his NPD doesn’t come through with her eventually when things aren’t so new and shiny anymore; she’ll be wondering what the hell’s hit her.

              Things with your affair partner isn’t so great when you’re in debt… I can see Dean cheating on Tori and going off with a rich socialite, like one of the Real Housewives… LOL!

    • Hopeful

      I like the put the cheaters glasses on comment. It is so true. I will never act or see the world as my husband or the ow did. I just will never do that. I would rather be alone. I am content and happy with who I am and always have been. It is against my morals and core of who I am. I have never been that way at any point in my life. And I find it interesting how my husband can be disgusted and hate what he did. All he wants to be is the opposite of that. Time will tell if he can change for good.

      And as far as the famous people go I think they are no different than us. They have different issues of fame, abnormal schedules and work situations. And in the end they can have issues like regular people.

      One last thing is I do not think if my husband had abstained from alcohol this would have happened. I am almost sure of that. Alcohol I think was a huge contributor. Alcohol is a depressant and I think it contributed to his insecurities and struggle with his life whether it was depression or not. He was young and at the beginning of his highly successful career. Things were really great looking at it from the outside. But obviously it did not seem like that to him. I just feel so strongly that alcohol played a part. He continued to feel the need to go out with friends which led to staying out to late and guys trips that were basically about overindulging in alcohol. I know my husband drove drunk to meet one of his ow. I am sure it did not happen just once. It is a long story but he was given a breathalyzer and was over the legal limit. That was his low point. He has not stopped drinking but has cut back a lot and he is a different person. I know the alcohol did not make him do anything but I think it was for him the main contributing factor.

    • TheFirstWife

      I think alcohol and his job and issues were the perfect storm that led to cheating.

      It is like the mid life crisis. My H had a mid life crisis that culminated in an affair that almost caused a divorce. Had he not been unhappy and hating his job and at a bar flirting with the OW this would not have happened.

      The Affair is the escape. Alcohol loosens your inhibitions. My H & OW used to go to Jazz clubs together. I dislike that type of music. So IMO he was escaping into another life to feed his unhappiness.

      But he also had a 4 year EA years ago. Also completely disrespectful. So I am faced with a guy who has issues and refused to face them.

      Hard to accept this is what I married.

    • TryingHard

      I’ve never heard of this notion of Hedinic Adaptation but it makes perfect sense. Maybe it’s a more professional diagnosis of people taking their lives and spouses for granted. And a true and real lack of gratitude for what they have.

      I know when i was younger I was not nearly as grateful for my life as I am now. Perhaps as we age and start losing our looks, senses, HAIR , we come to appreciate more the little things we have and start feeling and showing gratitude for them.

      I know I am a very fortunate person to have the life I have. Sure there’s problems and nothing is perfect but as I’ve said before if infidelity is the worse thing I face in life then I’ve had a very good life. And for that I am truly grateful.

      I hope my husband has developed his own internal gratitude as well. We have a wonderful life together and have healed a lot. He treats me very well now, actually better than ever before in our 40 years together. I think he looks back on what he did and with whom and is infinetly grateful he woke up and got away from the OW. She was and is a disaster. Sure she wore the sociopath mask and he was fooled by his own ignorance, but after seeing who and what she was once the mask fell sent him running back to me. Poor thing she is stage 4 cancer, on welfare and now hooked on OxyContin. She has her family scouring their doctors to get her prescriptions as her doc gives her limited prescriptions. I don’t know if she’s taking the drugs or selling them to make ends meet. She doesn’t work except babysitting her grandchildren and gets less than $1500 a month on welfare. So yeah that could have been all his had he stayed with her. LOL he’d have bailed at the first cancer diagnosis. I don’t relish her misery and I feel sorry for the poor cow. But I do believe what one puts out there comes back IN SPADES. She def is the sole author of her own story. I’m grateful she is far out of our lives and pretty sure my h is too.

      Very good article Sarah. Thank you

      • Sarah P.

        Hello Trying,

        As always, thanks for your comment. You sure hit the nail on the head when you said what one puts out comes back in spades. A few years ago, I realized that God (or the Universe or whatever anyone wants to call God) is benevolent and gives everyone what he or she desires. God is always pouring out good for all. BUT and this is a big but… people have to be spiritually aligned with the energy of good to receive the good. The energy of good is cultivated through LOVE. I am not talking about romantic love; I am talking about spiritual love and First Corinthians Chapter 13. If someone is cultivating a life based on negative actions, it generates a type of negativity that attracts ill health and bad life experience. Kind of like karma. Now, not all disease and bad experiences come from this. There are many innocent victims. The point is, one cannot live a life based on harm because they will attract all that is harmful too them in the end. What someone reaps is what they sow. I tell all my friends that they need to picture the universe as a mirror. To a great extent, what they put in front of the mirror is reflected back. This goes for all of us. I think this is why the OW is dying of cancer and has a life that has come to this.

        All of us have a lot to be grateful for, even if it’s just one more day on God’s green Earth. Gratitude is so healing and you are keeping it in focus. It will always bless you.

        • TryingHard

          I know the God wants us to love our enemies. And I don’t even see her as the enemy any more. She’s just a pathetic person on society’s bottom rung struggling with finances and health and her impending ceasing to exist. She is so NOT relevant in my life. My life compared to hers is nirvana. So the only thing I can wish for her is peace.I would NEVER NEVER hope to be like her in any remote shape or form.

          I do believe Love is the only answer to defeating sin. And no not the romantic love or even caring love, but the love that I know God wants us to have in our hearts for our fellow humans. Some humans HOWEVER make that Love VERY difficult to sustain. It’s so important to rise above human existence and truly embrace that Love that God intends for all of us. UGH why does being a grown up have to be so hard???

          • Sarah P.

            Well, even if we are supposed to love, I still think there is room for “righteous anger.” I will admit that one of my failings is that I feel very smug when I hear about how the other woman mistreats my ex. He was dumb enough to marry her and it has turned out to be a disaster for him. Some people make it very hard and they are difficult to love. I freely admit that and I have a lot of trouble loving people who are sociopaths or narcissists. The only thing that I wish for them is that they get separated from the rest of society so that they can no longer harm others. Their harm is intentional and I have trouble loving them or wishing them well. So, that is my failing as a Christian and I don’t think I will ever be able to love them either. Basically, people who intentionally harm others are my own pet peeve and I find these people intolerable. When these people get a big karma sandwich, I feel very satisfied. And that is unkind of me, but what can I say?

    • Hopeful

      I am just asking but I feel like this karma thing or what you put out in the universe comes back in spades makes me feel as if I should blame myself or take responsibility for my husband’s affairs and poor decisions. I still struggle with this and feeling like I am let down or others do what is best for them or what they want over what needs to be done or without considering others. I grew up in a home where my parents were extremely honest and moralistic. Not judgmental or religious but very high standards. And really always do the right thing, work hard, persevere and be the best you can. Now after all this I can see my husband grew up entitled, cutting corners, doing what is best for yourself above others. And in the end what I have determined is I have no control over anyone else especially my husband. He will say to this day I did everything right. He lied to me over and over and deceived me for 10 years. He said the only thing I could have done is divorced him and he said he most likely would not have admitted to anything at that point. So in the end it feels like there is no karma. I did everything and lived my life the best I could and in the most positive way yet the person who was supposed to be closest to me did not reflect back what I was putting out there. So where is the karma. And I am not talking punishment. I just do not feel like there is justice. All I can see is my husband feels bad every day and I struggle to varying degrees daily. It is part of our life every day. And the ow who knows. One is now engaged and happier than ever and the other one has a boyfriend who adores her. And who knows how much is true or not. I only hope they learned from what they did and never do it again. But where is the karma. I do know I feel good about myself and know that I can sleep at night. I have not lied or cheated in any aspect of my life. And my husband has said he will never worry about me ever doing anything to damage our marriage. He said he has that guarantee. Which is true I would never do anything like that.

      In a way reading about the thoughts above how as the bs we will never see it there way. It is all a bunch of excuses. Sometimes I think that is all it is. I feel like more and more this is who he is. He can try and temper it and change but will he ever. He says he is happier than ever but how easy would it be to slip up? Lately as my husband continues to process this I hear his statements and more than ever it was just selfish choices he made because he wanted to. There were contributing factors but he wanted it and he had and maybe still has so little morals he could not say no. I do not know if I can live with that. He says he sees men in the office all the time who dislike their wife and have no relationship but they never cheat. That is no marriage either but what a different person who does not seek it out or embrace cheating.

      • TheFirstWife

        Hopeful. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Your H gets to cheat and do everything or anything he wants without consequence. You are still married and he is happy and his life goes on seemingly untouched.

        I see the same parallel in my marriage. My H lies to me, has a 4 year EA and lies about it and won’t end it and then has another EA and almost divorces me and yet we are married, he is happy, and he got EVERYTHING his way all his life.

        Maddening to say the least.

        That is why I so love the movie & book Gone Girl. She gets revenge. She doesn’t take anything lying down. She is crazy and all but I like her revenge.

        And yes karma blah blah blah but sometimes revenge is good for something. I don’t have the lack of morals where I would have a revenge affair or do anything nasty. But I agree there are times I just want to make my H hurt like he hurt me. So he knows how it feels.

        My only act of “revenge” if you call it that is the post nup I had him sign. My $ is my $ upon divorce (or anything like that including s separation).

        But I believe those OW will get theirs someday. Maybe their BF or H will cheat on them. Maybe they will be unhappy or have horrible in-laws to deal with.

        I don’t worry so much about the OW as they will get theirs. I guess I am angry that for all outward appearances my H got off sooo easy.

        I asked him the other day if he ever wondets why he cheated. He said yes he does wonder why. But if course THAT conversation would never come from him on his own. Nope it has to be instigated by me.

        So I think I am lucky that I cN look at myself in the mirror each day and know I am a better person who would never do that to someone.

        I at least sleep well at night. My H goes to therapy but I honestly believe it is very self serving and not really about our marriage or how he could do better as a H. I believe it is probably a crab-fest about me. Why he cheated = my wife drove me to it.

        As my mother always said “there’s the door”. Hahaha

        I don’t focus on this aspect anymore but o have to be honest it really really bothered me for 18 months. I was rather ticked off his life continued relatively untouched by the ordeal whole he continued to lie lie lie.

        But in the end I realize that I am strong and am not a coward. However I used to think he was strong and could face anything. Now I resluze the roles have been reversed for aong time. He appears strong but his behavior is that of a 2 year old. When he didn’t get his way he acted like one of my children.

        We had a disagreement about a bike helmet. I just found out he doesn’t wear one and all along I assumed he did for safety reasons. His defense was/is “no law says I have to wear it”. My position was you have a wife & kids who love you and depend on you and you have a responsibility to us. Sooo he refused to wear it. I said OK don’t. I am not your mother but at least acknowledge I have a valid point.

        He wouldn’t even do that. Well I am not his parent. I will not force you to wear it. But please know you are acting like a spoiled child. I just don’t know why men do that.

        When I asked him not to do something a few years ago he got revenge by sneaking out of the house and doing it anyway.

        So I see and feel your frustration. How can we help you move past it???

    • TryingHard

      Hopeful– I understand your questions regarding Karma. And it’s like “…what the eff did I do to deserve this bad Karma that i am experiencing…” That’s not YOUR Karma. You are experiencing and reacting to your husbands bad choices not your own. Karma is not about hunky dunky if I’m good nothing bad will happen. Not true.

      When you found out about your husbands cheating you had two choices, stay or leave. You choose stay. God gives us free will. You could have chosen leave just as easily. Each choice is filled with challenges not Karma. Karma is how you act and put out in all aspects of life. If you own your choices and put good out it comes back to you. As Sarah P. said Karma is like a mirror. But putting out good Karma doesn’t mean we will never be without challenges in our lives. That’s not what Karma is about. There’s a lot of books out there about Karma but really it’s simply the Golden Rule. And EVERY religion has some form of the Golden Rule in it’s writings.

      Hope I’ve helped.

      • Sarah P.

        Hi Hopeful,

        So here is my explanation about why crappy things happen to good people. There are two things: 1) Free will and 2) we live in a fallen world. So, because everyone has free will, there is always the possibility that someone will do something that harms a good person. Because we live in a fallen world, people do bad things. One time someone asked me why children die of diseases if we have a God who is loving. The same thing: free will and fallen world. We have free will to pollute and dump tons of carcinogens into the air and water each day. A child may have been born with a weak immune system and get cancer because of our polluted environment. Unfortunately, good people get hurt everyday. They don’t get hurt because of karma, but they get hurt because of the free will of others. If we constantly sew good, we will always reap good and maybe it’s not in ways that we notice. Maybe we always land on our feet after a tragedy. Maybe we have never gone hungry.

        As for cheaters, I admit that I get upset when I don’t see them getting instant karma.I was also raised by parents who had iron-clad integrity and work ethic. So my “sin” would be pride in that I am not like all of those people who harm others. My sin would be that I want to see them get theirs. It’s not a loving way to be, but that is the human part of me.

        Sometimes karma plays out over many years. For example, what my ex did to me was horrendous on many levels. He became violent, I lost my down payment for our house, he moved the OW into our house after making me leave and wanted me to pay for her… it goes on and on. That year he also got a promotion to a good middle management position and we worked at the same company. He seemed to have a lot of friends too. Now it is 15 years later and he has been fired several times, he lost many friends after they found out how he behaved with me, and the other woman has turned out to be emotionally and physically abusive. (i.e. the kind of woman who slaps a man to keep him in line.) I have never raised a hand to anyone and I have not even spanked my children. My rule is that I don’t touch in anger, I only touch when it can be done with kindness. So, my ex got his but it happened over a period of years. A mutual friend saw him at a networking event and said he was a broken man. Everything that he was when he was with me was gone. He was no longer confident, no longer charismatic, and no longer happy. I have learned that sometimes it takes time. Eventually, everyone will get theirs if they don’t repent and have a change of heart and action and sometimes it just takes time and process.

        My dad envisions karma as a universal bank account. You can’t keep writing bad checks for your whole life and expect to stay out of jail.

    • TryingHard

      lololol NO NO NON NO revenge is NOT Karma. Revenge brings BAD Karma 🙂

      But there is some redemption and satisfaction in seeking revenge 🙂 but you can’t have both.


    • theresa

      Quick thought. Does his choice of partners (supermodel vs troll) reflect his self image?
      Troll allows him to be a white night. He sees himself as superior, she should be grateful to me for sharing my wisdom, my attention, my advice.

      Supermodel is “out of his league” (this is one that I heard). Does he fear rejection? Does he “settle”for NOT “out of my league”? Aka Me? Should I be grateful for his attention, wisdom, advice…..?

      And yes, there’s an app for that! There is a lot of help out there. Some good, some bad. No two situations are exactly alike. There are innumerable variations of each situations. There is no one cause, no one answer, no one plan, no one responce, no one course of action.
      This site has covered the gamut? of analysis, insight, flexibility… in the approach to our plight. There is something here for everyone to help navigated this minefield.
      However there are some aspects that are universal.
      Such as: it’s not your fault
      he/she is a liar
      He made a wrong choice no matter what the reason for his actions
      No matter what his intent was, ,he hurt you, disrespected you, minimized you,
      On an old post I made the comment that whether or not you felt good about your
      relationship, whether or not you knew of the betrayal, whether or not he treated you
      like a queen, he stole from you. Every smile, every touch, every kind word, every
      kiss, every thought of her belonged to you. (The $$ goes without saying). He stole
      your choice. You made choices based on false assumptions. Trivial or monumental,
      The outcome was based on lies. So no matter who or what he chose it has impacted
      every corner of your life.

      (Sorry I was on a roll here, got a little off topic I think)

      • Sarah P.


        Awesome comment!

        As far as supermodel versus troll goes, those are societies labels based solely on physical appearance. My point was that it doesn’t matter what a woman looks like because it does not influence whether or not he cheats.

        I am writing a post this week on self-esteem for next Tuesday (a week from now.) The only time a woman should be grateful for a man’s attention is if she is a really crummy person.

        A good woman inherently deserves kindness and respect from a man. A good woman is defined by her “being” and not by an exterior. You will see more of that in next week’s post. But, the short answer is a woman who is good on the inside is not in a cheater’s league. A good woman is out of his league. A good woman is NOT defined by what she looks like but by how she behaves and by how much she loves. Therefore, if a man has a “good” wife, he is NEVER settling.

        • theresa

          It took me a while to convince myself of this. But I’m there now. I know it’s not me, it’s him.

    • TryingHard

      Theresa—amen!!!! Very very well said

    • Paolo

      Here is a different perspective which goes largely against the hedonic adaptation. This is from a very fortunately experienced male perspective of someone who has both admittedly cheated on multiple live in partners over a lifetime and had met many a woman willing to cheat on her partner with him. There is definitely truth to getting used to the same old same old but it doesn’t necessarily involve physical attraction. The bigger prize is sexual satisfaction. The more sex you have with more people the more sexual kinks you get exposed to. Over time and if you are adventurous and truly open minded you keep expanding the repertoire of what turns you on. It takes deep courage to really investigate internally into the dark corners of what does it for you. It’s everyone’s unique sexual fingerprint of desire. And when you finally find it, especially after a long search and trial and errors and kissing of too many frogs, you hang on no matter what. Because you realize the rarity of it. The union of two people whose internal demons tango in harmony with one another. This is what I found with my last and final wife and after a decade of things getting more blissful each day I am happy to report that there is hope for everyone and that the struggle to get here is worth it.

    • DeepThoughts

      This site and the comments are very interesting, for sure! I agree with some of what’s been said here.
      What I will say, though, is that cheating is not always about looks/appearances. I love what Sarah P. said…that character is what matters most.
      If you are a truly good person, you deserve a good person in your life too!

      The thing is that even if a woman is gorgeous on the outside, she might lack other qualities.
      Being “pretty” is not enough to keep a man faithful. Men will cheat with all types of women for different reasons.
      This is why as women, we shouldn’t focus so much on looks (our own appearances and that of other women).
      It’s difficult because we are taught that beauty makes us worthy, but our true worth comes from within.
      Who we are as people, how we treat others, etc.

      At one point in my life I was a pretty girl. I had a killer body and I attracted lots of attention.
      But that alone won’t keep a man faithful. So ladies…we are all worth more than that. It’s not about beauty or lack thereof, it’s what kind of man we are dealing with.
      If a man cheats, it’s not because of how you (or the OW) look. It’s his character.

    • DeepThoughts

      Also, I agree with what Theresa said about self-image in terms of what men choose sometimes.
      Some people like to feel “superior” to others, so they might choose to date/marry (or cheat with) a person who is less attractive, uneducated, etc.

      And in reverse, they might also choose to date/marry (or cheat with) a far more attractive person for the ego boost it provides.
      Most men like to be seen with a woman they can “show off” to other men, as a way of seeming more masculine and making other men jealous.
      I find it sad both ways, because people should be loved for who they are…not the way they look!

      I’ll also add Halle Berry to the women mentioned above. She was heartbroken to find that two of her husbands were sex addicts who had been repeatedly unfaithful to her. On the subject of Angelina Jolie…she is a beauty, but I think what drew Brad to her was her “bad girl” image.
      She is the type of woman that appeals more to men. Jennifer Aniston seems more of the “good girl” type that is non-threatening, not sexy.
      Jennifer seems like the type that women can be friends with, while you can’t leave your man alone with Angelina (lol).
      In no way does that justify Brad cheating with Angelina, but it could explain what drew him to her.
      It’s more than just looks sometimes…it’s sensuality, it’s feminine allure. Jennifer seems like a nice person and I felt bad for what Brad did to her, but Angelina has the “WOW” factor that a lot of men like.
      So I think that’s what it was. Jennifer is great in her own way, but she couldn’t compete with that type of beauty and the whole “naughty girl” image of Angelina.

      Again, this is why I say that as women, we need to build ourselves up and not look to men for our worth.
      Who they cheat with has nothing to do with us and it’s not a reflection of who we are. I believe that my husband may have cheated on me a couple of times.
      One of the women is much older than me, but she is very pretty and she is a TV personality.
      The other is a coworker of his…a Plain Jane with no feminine curves at all, a single mom, but she is the needy type who always looks to him for help.
      I say this because it doesn’t matter how the OW looks. It’s about the man’s character and what “thrills” come from him cheating, plus the attention that both parties get from each other.

    • DeepThoughts

      Oh, and I also had a boyfriend years ago who cheated on me with girls that were obese and unattractive!
      They also had terrible personalities. In contrast, I was thin and pretty, with a pleasant personality.
      It had nothing to do with me or anything I lacked as a person. It was about his need to cheat and to be emotionally abusive.

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