Mistakes Made After InfidelityJust about a year ago I wrote a post entitled “Dealing With Infidelity:  My Top 9 Mistakes.” Much has happened in the almost year that I wrote that, and I wanted to revisit this post to update it and add to my list.

As you well know, nothing prepares us in advance as to what to do after you discover infidelity, how to react to it, or how to best recover from it.  Sure, there are tons of books on the subject, but did we really ever expect infidelity to enter our lives in the first place?  As a result, we tend to make a bunch of mistakes, and only in hindsight do we realize what those mistakes are.

With that being said…Here are more mistakes that I made that I hope you can learn from when dealing with infidelity:

Mistakes Made After Infidelity

Mistake 10: Believing that when the affair is over that everything will be OK again.  Recovery is a long process and the pain associated with the affair will stay with you for a very long time.

Mistake 11: Only focusing on what I did wrong in the marriage and only discussing what Doug’s needs were.  Focusing on how he was unhappy.  What was wrong with me, my issues, my problems and insecurities?  I was afraid to appear too demanding. I rarely discussed what I needed in our marriage, what Doug could have done differently and how I felt about our marriage.

Mistake 12: Not completely being honest about my feelings concerning the betrayal, loss of trust and the hurt.  Not letting him know that his behavior was unacceptable and that I had a choice whether I wanted to continue in our marriage when trust was broken.

I remained paralyzed in a place where I worked so hard to save our marriage.  I should have spent some of that time on myself – getting myself in a place where I felt comfortable in making a choice of whether to stay in the marriage or move on.

Mistake 13: Not getting angry.  I basically ignored that Doug had been a cheater, a liar and he betrayed our marriage vows.  If I would have focused on that I wouldn’t have been able to be the perfect woman, because I would then have to be angry.  Instead, I should have gotten really pissed off.  I should have let it out and released those emotions instead of carrying the blame for his emotional affair.

Mistake 14: Not allowing him to experience what he would be missing or lose if he lost me.  I was always there, available.  Just so you know, I don’t really think that separating is a good idea if you are trying to save your marriage.  But part of me thinks that it would have been a good thing if I would have kicked him for a while after I found out about his emotional affair.  Then he too would have experienced pain, uncertainty, and a sense of loss.

Mistake 15: Not taking time to really think everything through and to gather my thoughts and feelings.  I reacted initially strictly on emotion and instincts.  I was in panic mode.  I should have waited for the initial tidal wave of emotions to pass so that I could think and act a bit more logically.  I know, easier said than done.

Mistake 16: Not talking to a professional, therapist, counselor or mentor early on after the affair.  Though I eventually did have a few sessions with a therapist, it was too long after the initial discovery of Doug’s emotional affair.  As a result, I believe this caused my recovery to take much longer.  By the time I did talk to a therapist, I knew as much about affairs and the recovery process as he did!

I’m positive that I’m omitting other mistakes, so when I think of them I’ll add them to this post, or start another one.  In the meantime, please comment with any mistakes  made after infidelity that may have caused a bump in the road in your affair recovery journey.

 

    34 replies to "More Mistakes Made After Infidelity"

    • Tiffany

      Thanks Linda, I find this to be very helpful. I just found out on Monday night that it has been an ongoing PA since August, not an EA that was over. So I asked him to leave. He is respecting my wishes but I thought I would hate him so much that I wouldn’t want him around. But every time he texts or has been over to visit the kids I just want to beg him to stay. I hate that I feel that way. I told him that I miss him so much but I just can’t have him around right now. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just ignore it and try to go on living as we were and let him do it. Why do I feel this way? If I give myself time will I come to my senses about that? I find myself filled with so much rage but afraid to express it because I don’t want to make him mad at me! Isn’t that insane? I know that if I express all that and he does get mad that it should tell me that I shouldn’t be with him anyway, but that is easier to think than to feel. When this tidal wave of emotion passes will I be able to think more logically like you said? How long will that take? I have always thought of myself as a logical person and feel so lost at this point, I can’t even conceive of an hour from now, let alone my future. But I have to be the one to keep it together for my kids, he is sitting in a dumpy apartment with no furniture alone, and I get to be with my kids. But at the same time I have to maintain some form of survival for them when all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die. My only consolation at this point is that I don’t see how it can get any worse, it has to get better. But how long will I feel so physically and emotionally broken?

      • august7

        My husband moved out yesterday after an angry outburst. It happened when I told him that I had a trigger the day before and I asked him if they ever checked into a hotel. He got so angry that he forgot our 13 yr old daughter was just outside the room. I left our house, checked into a hotel and asked him to come so that we could talk without the kids hearing any raised voices. He never showed up, instead he left. According to him I just wouldn’t “let go” and that I have been torturing him with all these repetitive questions. He said he had to leave because he feels that we are going on a cycle where he feels punished over and over again inspite of the effort he has been giving to make our marriage work.

        It has been two months since my D-Day. My life feels like all the cycles of a washing machine to be perfectly honest. I don’t know how long I can hold on for hope.

        • Shifting Impressions

          August7
          I am so sorry for what you are going through. It has only been two months since d-day….you have every right to ask those difficult questions. You are still very early on in the process of recovery. At this moment I would guess you are still in shock over the discovery of your husband’s betrayal.

          I would also guess that your husband is still deep in the “affair fog”….not ready to take responsibility for his actions. At this stage it’s still all about him and not about your pain.

          At this point it’s really important that you take care of you. Perhaps some counseling. There is a good chance that your husband won’t be willing….but I suggest you get some help for you. You are in crisis and you have every right to ask questions and to get in touch with your pain etc, It is not uncommon for couples to take several years to work through this process.

    • Saddenned

      Linda, I find myself doing a lot of the same things. I don’t bring it up all of the time, I try to cherish the time we spend together. My H’s only happenned for 12 days and consisted of facebook, texting and phone calls. The OW started talking about leaving her husband and that is when reality hit my H. He confessed everything, I did not find out. I find myself obsessively looking at the call log. I spend a lot of time trying to make our marriage work. It consumes me. We are going to marriage counseling and I start individual counseling today. I just want to be happy again.

    • Norwegian woman

      I struggle with intense anger for the moment. Doing nr. 11, 12, 14 and 15, I am getting really pissed off on MYSELF! Now that the paralyzing panic is over, and I can think straight again, I turn the anger towards me.
      How could I DO THIS TO ME???
      I take it as a sign that my self asteem is coming back. I am no longer a sorry excuse for a wife. I am an intelligent, caring, desant woman. I deserve respect. Either he treats me with dignity and respect, or he won`t treat me at all.
      I will never take this kind of crap, ever again. Never.

    • blueskyabove

      Linda,

      I reread your post from a year ago and between the two of them I can admit that I have BTDT on all of them except #10. Having been through this before I knew things would not be OK just because the affair had ended. Although I believe this information is valuable for the BS that is new to this situation, I don’t personally like to relive it. I have beat myself up for my shortcomings for too long as it is. I’m much more interested in changing my perspective of the events that occurred instead. In the long run I believe my healing will be more complete.

      I could give you examples of some ways I have accomplished this so far, but I think the following probably expresses it much better than I ever could.

      I used to watch this once a week as a reminder to myself that I was not helpless and I was blessed far more than I was willing to acknowledge.

      http://charliephillips.net/videos/theater-3/nickvujicic.html

    • Surprised

      I don’t know, I feel that my list would be just the opposite of yours as mistakes & I would look at your #10-16 as being the thing to do! I have been angry, I have found all kinds of documented paperwork to prove his EA, I have been pouring over phone records every day. Last week I finally asked him to leave because after 14 mo it still isn’t ending, I have seen counselors and now a pastor, I have been completely honest with him how hurt & betrayed I feel, I have acknowledged my shortcomings but nothing I have done deserves this betrayal & I have let him know it. All of this has also done nothing to stop the EA.

      In fact, I just found out this weekend more lies he’s told me and his own sister opened a separate cell phone on her acct for him so he can talk to his girlfriend without me knowing! I also found a list of cabins & cottages he printed out for them to go to when their EA first started heating up! That is when I told him to leave. He is now living with his mother & she is angry at me saying I “need help”! I feel like I am living in the Twilight Zone!

      There are no answers on how to handle this. Each situation is different and it is only the Holy Spirit working on a cheaters conscience that will make it end & healing begin which I agree with you will take years.

    • Jackie

      Tiffany,
      I feel for you and what you are going through. But remember that your husband is addicted to this woman. He is not acting rationally, nothing he is doing is making sense. Much of what he is saying doesn’t make sense. You must hold yourself together, for your kids and for you.

      As an adult it is each of our job to maintain our physical and mental health. You can’t do it for your husband, only for you. You are still that wonderful woman that you were before this all happened. Do things with the kids, friends and family that support you…things that make you happy. Exercise, pick up the hobbies that you loved, take up something new.

      I know it is so hard to do, when you feel your whole world is falling apart. Everything you value is crumbling. But if you look carefully you will see the beauty around you. Your kids smile as you play with them, the trees in bloom, wonderful supportive friends and family. Appreciate all these good things around you in your life. Love for the sake of loving and feeling warm in your heart.

      Hopefully your husband will come around sooner, because he will see what a wonderful you he is missing. He will miss the love and warmth of a good family.

      I understand not wanting to make him angry…and it being difficult to talk about the affair without defensiveness on both parts. Read lots of books, online info, etc… Not just about affairs, but about being the best you, you can be.

      Remember you and your spouse are best of friends not enemies! I think this is the hardest thing to do, when one spouse is not acting like friend. It is hard not to be angry at your Husband for how much he is hurting the ones who love him most. Wish there was an easier way to help spouses snap out of their addiction, and realize how much damage they are doing to themselves, their spouses and their children. But like in alcohol addictions, they are too busy rationalizing their drug to see things straight.

      All this is easier to say than it is to do. It helps me to understand that the affair really has to do mainly with your spouse. His past issues, personal history, childhood, coping mechanism…probably play more a role in affairs than the betrayed spouse. Unfortunately, the betrayed spouse is the easy target for blame. Don’t accept the blame. You are willing to fix things … he is not. He is escaping from the issues, you are willing to work on them.

    • Dealing

      It is so easy to do the things not to do after one finds out about the affair. My H’s EA began in March of 2010. I still am dealing with all the emotions and anger even though I kicked him out after he went “to see his parents” (i.e. went to AL to go on a date with the OW). He moved half way accross the U.S. at the end of Oct 2010 to AL to be close to the OW. Since then, we have little to no contact at all. It has been really tough. Some days are better than others and there are tons of trigger dates.
      I still go through the mistakes even though I am by myself. I still get angry at me even though there was nothing I could do to stop him from cheating. It was originally a very communicative relationship, until he got in contact with the OW. Then it went all crazy. I hope it works out better for everyone else since mine is beyond repair at this point.

    • Denise

      Well, I have to admit I am guilty of all the above. As I sit in a hotel room tonight, 11 mths after DDay, simply because I needed a mental break from thinking about the EA. (and yet, here I am and still thinking!!) It just all got to be too much for me tonight, and I left. My H was not happy, but is trying to be understanding.

      I saw the OW 2 weeks ago, for the first time after the EA, and it was like a tidal wave of emotions came back to me. I am also having a really rough time dealing with the fact that it was this time last year I was left sitting home alone during my birthday, mother’s day, and our anniversary because my H “had his head so wrapped around her” (his words) at the time.

      I feel my husband and I are making progress, however, I also can’t help but feel that I have swept tons of emotions, feelings, anger, and hosility under the rug because he still refuses to talk about the EA and because I am still afraid of “pushing” him to open up to me. We have talked about what was lacking in our marriage (which we are both making a great effort to change) and why the EA occured, but the only things about the actual affair he has shared with me is that they text/called each other often, he would meet her in the mornings to take her coffee before work, they would walk and talk on the bike path together, and he helped her around her house many times. I also know he sent her many songs and poems to describe his feelings for her.

      I guess my question is this. Is it wrong of me to NEED to know what they shared together? Why he was so emotionally attached to her? Why he sent her flowers? (which he says was just as a thank you for being there for support). I want nothing more than to be able to say to my H “I forgive you” but I don’t really know WHAT to forgive him for, if that makes sense.

      I don’t want this to be another issue to add to this list, but if I am not in the wrong by wanting to know this information, then I won’t need to add it.

      Any advise?

      • changedforever

        I am only 6 mths past my DDay. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to escape from it all…my H’s 9+ week EA/PA with a summer job co-wrkr 1/2 his age involved many triggers…many for me, and now he’s divulging the triggers he is dealing with…which is good! He claims he doesn’t want to keep secrets anymore! He claims he is not going to ‘let her win’ by ‘giving in’ to these triggers for example, his changing the channel when a song comes on that she liked. If he personally likes the song…he says he’s keeping it! But its different for me, the betrayed/deceived spouse. To avoid what I call my continuing to be the ‘fool in the dark,’ I told him I need to know his triggers so I can process them, grieve them & get over them. And this is working for me (with his triggers…mine are a different story.)
        I hope this process can help you as much as it is helping us. You have to be strong to do this but remember, you have to do this to get strong(er) too.
        Best wishes to you in your recovery…

    • InTheFog

      Don’t you ever consider maybe keeping this blog going is just compounding the pain? It sounds like you’re both healing and perhaps closing the book on the whole episode will allow you both to move on.

      Isn’t this daily thinking a habit not much different to the EA?

      I appreciate people heal in different ways but having got the the crossroads of maintaining a saved marriage is this really the best way forward for you both on an ongoing basis?

    • Saddenned

      InTheFog,

      My husband just asked me this weekend “why I was dwelling”? I had a few questions I need to ask him and stuff I needed to get off of my chest, but after that I felt better. I wonder if you are right. D day was 6 weeks ago tomorrow.

      • InTheFog

        I sometimes wonder if by thinking more and coming up with different angles we’re hoping for a different outcome, but nothing changes what’s happened. I think that’s why we question. To a certain degree I feel it helps a lot- but then after a time it seems to be going over old ground and just reliving the things we can’t change.

        • Doug

          in the fog, I think you are right on both accounts. One I believe that we do tend to think about it and dwell on the affair hoping that we can change or control some aspect of the situation and obviously it was completely out of our control. Secondly, I often wonder if keeping this blog does in some respect keeps Tanya and the affair alive. I imagine that I probably think about it more than I should but I also have learned so much from the research, interviews and reader comments that I feel the benefits have outweighed the drawbacks. We certainly want to move on and I am sure at some point the focus on this blog with change. Linda

          • InThe Fog

            What would have happened if the OW was someone who cared enough to choose to end it quietly and in a dignified manner, for the two of you to make a fair go of things ? (Because she cared for Doug’s happiness more than her own)

            In some respects did she make it ‘easy’ for him to give her up? – she was obviously not being herself during the EA and had traits that weren’t the sort he would find desirable. What if she was lovely? Not all O/Women are selfish to the point of breaking a marriage- I’d go so far as to say most people don’t people don’t get into these situations by choice.

            • Doug

              inthefog, I suppose you are right eventually she did make it easy for him to end it because she didn’t make any further contact. However I do know that for at least the four months that I knew she existed she did initiate a lot of the contacts and had problems with Doug spending time with me. She was certainly opposed to our visit to the marriage counselor and said things about me that made him believe that I didn’t really love him. I do find it hard to believe that she just let him go compared to many of the other cases on this sight.

              I know that Doug said it was a process, and I wonder if deep down she really knew how close Doug and I had been, everything we had shared and how much we had loved each other. Honestly what we had would have been very difficult to to replace and when we began spending more time together after Dday the bond redeveloped rather quickly. As the other woman I don’t think I could have lived with that, and even though he was giving his heart to her at the time, I would have always been a major part of his life. We have been together for over 30 years and most of that time was filled with love and good memories, not many woman could handle that. Linda

    • InThe Fog

      Sorry, wrong choice of words, I didn’t mean ‘give her up’ as in give something up that was good. I mean end it. What I’m trying to say is that if she was all of the things he originally thought she was, and when it came to the end she agreed reluctantly for your sake (as a couple) then would he still feel the same now?

    • michael

      Linda,
      Maybe you consider at one point passing the torch of the blog to someone else. Not control of it but allowing someone else to be the focus of your work. I know after a year, its not the affair that is forefront of either of our blogs, its the day to day feelings. With or without the blog I think you will still have the feelings to some degree. With or without the blog.
      Yes I post when I think about the affair. But I also post when it has nothing to do with the past. When it has everything to do with the current issues.
      There are a lot of people that visit your blog on a day to day basis. Each of those people are at different points in their evolution after the affair. Some in a positive marriage some in a downward spiral.
      The affair will always be a part of your life forward. But as a couple you each play a part of changing what that future will be even while dealing with the past. Some on here aren’t so lucky to be at the point you are. I’m sure the ones who are still lost need your experience.
      I said this story before and as I learn more it means more.
      The story I heard on a West Wing episode. This isn’t exactly the story, but that’s not the point.

      ” A man was walking down the street and fell into a large hole. He looked around for a way out but didn’t know what to do.
      As a priest was walking by the man yelled out -Father, can you help me out? I can’t find my way. The priest said -I will pray for you my son. He says a prayer and he left. This didn’t help the man.
      Then a doctor passed by. The man yelled. -Doctor, can you help me out of here? I think I need some help. The doctor wrote him a prescription and told him to come see him in a couple weeks. The man didn’t see how that would help him. And he began to loose hope.
      Just then a friend pasted by. The man yelled out -Joe, I need some help. I don’t know what to do, I’m stuck.
      The friend jumped down into the hole with him. The man, shocked, said -Hey, why did you do that, now were both stuck down here. His friend replied – But I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.”

    • Saddenned

      Michael,

      Good post…That is me, stuck in a whole and I do not know how to quit obsessing about the OW.

      • micahel

        Its been over a year from the time I have proof of them talking behind my back again. She says all the things that should make me feel more secure but it doesn’t help. I still don’t trust her words.
        I still look at his facebook page. I read things that he says to his wife that contradict everything my wife told me about his marriage. And it hard not to obsess on it. Its hard to know that with all the damage he caused me he could get away with it.
        Its hard to not want to leave a message on his wifes facebook. Its hard to not want to share what he said and did with his wife. Its as hard to do as a year ago. I’ve just gotten better at understanding why I want to. And examining what it would accomplish.
        Reason I have for sending her a message.
        1- exacting revenge
        2- looking for things my wife will never tell me
        3- justifying why I feel in my gut that its not over or will happen again
        4- finding closure of it that I will never get from my wife
        5- if I didn’t know, would I want someone to tell me
        6- exposing him for who he really is.

    • Saddenned

      Michael,

      This is still real new to me, but know that I know what you are going through. I say, get rid of facebook. My H reconnected with her on facebook and devastated me. No more facebook for us. Hang in there.

    • Kathy

      Okay, I didn’t know where to put this, and this thread seemed appropriate because I don’t want to make a huge mistake. I need input PLEASE.

      After I found out that my H and the OW hadn’t ended things when he said they did, he told me all of his email accounts and their passowords. He made his cellphones available to me meaning he didn’t keep them locked anymore.

      Today when I was looking at one of his email accounts, I noticed in the trashcan a notification from GoogleVoice, dated just yesterday, that his work cellphone number had been removed because another GoogleVoice account has identified and claimed it.

      This can only mean that he’s made a NEW GoogleVoice account and has his work cellphone attached to that new account, right? If that is so, am I right to suspect that he is finding ways around me finding out about their texting, chatting, etc?

      Should I confront him? What if it’s nothing? He gets so ANGRY with me when I confront him with stuff about the EA. I don’t know what to do!!!

      PLEASE HELP! I feel like I’m going to lose my mind right now. I feel like I can hardly breathe. Please, any input at all. Thank you.

      • karen

        Kathy:
        Confront is probably not the right word, but “charge neutral” and inquire about the email from GoogleVoice in a calm manner. He knows you can look at his email accounts as he gave you access to them. Listen carefully to what he says and how he responds. I am very attuned to my H now and can pretty much tell when he is holding back or lying. Hope this helps. If he starts getting angry, back off and wait till he’s calm and explain to him why it is helpful to your healing to know this information. Take deep breaths and stay calm.

        • Kathy

          Karen,
          thank you so much for your reply! I have been wondering about the concept of “charging neutral” as I’ve heard it, but I don’t know what it is or how to do it.

          Fortunately, very fortunately, I did speak calmly and I chose the timing to bring it up carefully, as I hadn’t seen your reply yet, but something told me to stay very, very calm and casual…almost nonchalant, as though I were asking about the weather (sort of).

          I particularly liked what you said about ‘confront’ not being the right word. You are so correct. When I’ve been confrontational, he gets angry too. Even though I feel I’m justified in my anger and confronting him, it rarely if ever has produced any positive results.

          You’re also right, that I really need to listen to not only what he’s saying but how he’s saying it. I really need to tune in to him more; that may even be one of the reasons we had problems in the first place.

          Anyway, thank you so much again!

      • Kathy

        I’m happy to say it wasn’t the catastrophe I was worried it would be. I managed to ask him if he’d opened a new account as just part of a regular conversation. I did it in a really casual tone, and I told him I was wondering why his work cell had been removed, etc…and he explained he’d told me about the other account he had (which I’d forgotten about).

        This is a really good example of how obessessing about stuff will make you think things are happening that aren’t really happening and make you stress out over nothing.

        Sorry I lost it like that.

        • Melvin

          Hi Kathy,

          Glad it turned out for the better. Nice touch, BTW, on the casual approach. I find that works best with DW as well. In youth sports, we employ a 24-hour rule. No confronting others after a game until 24 hours has elapsed. That allows cooler heads to prevail and you tend to collect your thoughts better with time.

          When trust is broken, any little thing can be a trigger for a panic attack. I do feel your pain. Believe me, I have trust issues with DW since the EA with her ex-fiance. She seems to be doing the right things but I still have my doubts that she is hiding stuff.

          Trust in your spouse is earned, it cannot be bought or negotiated. And it is going to take time to repair the trust. Every little thing they say and do right helps to push that trust meter a bit higher. Make sure he understands that you have trust issues and that his actions/words are important to rebuilding that trust.

          Best to both of you on your way to recovery.

          • Kathy

            Melvin,
            Thank you for your encouragement. Sometimes I worry that coming to this site makes me obess more about the EA, but when I read things such as yours and karen’s posts, it helps to know I’m not the only one feeling the kinds of things I feel. I hate that I flipped out like that, but I’m glad I’m not alone.

            • Melvin

              Sometimes its good to vent. This site can be a good place if you just want to blow off some steam. Lots of folks here in some stage of recovery (I hope) that can sympathize .

    • Saddenned

      Michael,

      How long has it been? I feel you and I are at the same point in our journey.

    • stuckinlimbo

      I’ve been reading everything on here every spare moment I can. Never posted. I found out about my H EA in April 2011. The problem im having is i feel like it is all my fault! After I had my second child (when she was 3) i started taking depression meds. The last 4 year were the worst ive felt. The depression had such a strong hold on me that it affected my personality and my whole life. I was lazy (tired all the time) didnt want to do anything (even though i pushed myself alot). My H tells me how long was he suppose to wait for me to get better, he was alone, he felt defensive when he talked to me. His EA started 1 1/2 years ago with OW. She would just pop in his shop to talk. Then she moved out of state 100+ miles away. He said he had a dream about her and called her.
      Funny thing is i remember a yr 1/2 ago and he started to pull away from me in a big way. My depression worsened. I changed jobs several times trying to make myself happy. Then i came to the realization that the meds. were not doing what they were suppose to and the Dr. didnt seem to care how i was feeling. So i weened myself off of them. And thats when the cloud was lifted.. I felt like i was normal. Then my H tells me he isnt happy anymore.. I couldnt understand it.. I checked his phone records and thats when my D day happend. I confronted him (he lied at first of course) than i told him i unlocked his phone with her #! and saw the text he sent saying thats why he loved her. There were pictures of her, none of me. and he changed my name to The Boss! (phew that felt good)
      (come to find out i only had postpartem and took those f&ckn pills for 10 yrs. of which the last 4 were progressivly worse)

      I kicked him out. Because he didnt want to stop talking to her. He wanted to work it out, but not let go. I couldnt understand it until i found this website. Not even 24 hrs after i kicked him out he bought a plane ticket and flew out to “see what it was that he could of fell for another woman” (he came clean on his own a few weeks later, didnt want me finding out and calling it quits 4 good) He said he didnt go there for sex, if thats what he wanted he could have found someone alot closer. Ive asked a few times what it was then, and he still doesnt know. Does anyone here have any insight? He said he did find out that he doesnt like her lifestyle and shes kinda the same way with him as everybody else (FAKE)
      Than a card came in the mail from a jewlery store thanking him for his purchase. He hasnt bought me any jewlery in six years!!! He did lie about how much it was said it was on 40. Than he had to fess up and told me it was about $300. He gave her the jewlery when he was in the airport on the way home. Said he didnt want to give it sooner so she wouldnt feel like they had to consimate their relationship. ???
      Still dont know if its the truth. But I do kinda believe him. 6 yrs after we were married he had a sexual affair. When i found ou I did what most 25 yr olds do, I got him back (regret). But he said that taught him a hard lesson and he would never put things where they dont belong ever again, not while we’re married.
      Next scenerio (everything was getting better,,,until..,) I went to his shop after an argument and went thru the computer and found his seceret facebook account.. He was looking thru her photos, he says, because he couldnt talk to her anymore he thought it would be easier to let her go if he only looked at pictures. He found out how wrong that choice was. I tried ending it. He begged for another chance. I love him so i tried again. I knew from what people say on this site that the cheater will find ways and slip up in the begining..so i swallowed my hurt and tried again.

      My problem now is I am still wondering what he is doing behind my back. I check everything and he leaves is cell phone out all the time. But i cant help wondering if he has a throw away one or if hes using someone elses. or Email or anything. How does anyone know if the cheater is being honest.. Help!

    • Sue

      I just found this site. What do you do, after finally getting the proof that your husband is having an affair, and that they are just about to sign the contract for a house together (in the next road to her own home!)? My daughter went round and confronted her yesterday. Big mess, but had to be done. My husband says he doesn’t want to divorce me and still loves me but is too unhappy for things to go on. He insists he doesn’t want to try and rebuild. How do I deal with this? He has told so many lies its unbelievable. I don’t want to lose him. I know my behaviour over the years (33 married) has been bad – not showing how much I actually cared and not being intimate enough due to bad health but I want to try and save our marriage. So far nothing has worked although I know he’s feeling pretty awful about it. He’s not good at comunicating relationshipwise. He says he’s not necessarily going to live in this other house but I don’t believe him. I’m sure everyone knows how I’m feeling. Haven’t eaten for 4 days and the sleeping isn’t too good either.

    • hotnmadinAZ

      this was very insightful. i’m post 3 days of finding out about an almost year long EA my H had and i fear that when moving forward, i will constantly remind him of what he did to me and that its “all his fault”. we are separated right now and i think he’s really seen and realized what he could lose. how do i keep myself from tossing it all back into his face every time i turn around???

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