I’m having an affair. Can’t believe I said that. I wanted to share this with you all because I’ve been betrayed, 4, 5,…I lost track. And doing this is something I NEVER considered. That’s just not me. Let me explain.

I'm having an affair

By “Rose”

My early marriage was great except that he worked nights a lot, leaving me with the little kids pretty much 24/7. I had to do all the kid stuff just like a single mom.

Affair #1:

When my son was 2, my husband came home from work one night really late. I got up and met him in the kitchen where he told me he had been seeing someone, a single mom with a toddler, who really really needed his help.

I had asked him earlier in the week where the big box of diapers went because it had gone missing. That night, he admitted giving them to her. He had also been late almost every night for 3 weeks due to all this “help.”

In the kitchen, I asked him, “Did you sleep with her?”It took him a minute to hang his head and say “no,” but to this day I don’t believe it.

She was a bartender, and he was crying in his beer (why I have no idea). But that night he found out she actually did have a boyfriend, and there was an extortion plot going on to get money from him. He had to tell me all this because the boyfriend threatened to show me pictures of them.

Affair #2:

20 years later – He lost his job and opened up an adult driving school. In around August 2011, he started teaching a woman 10 years my junior. Turns out she was perfect for him—a damsel in distress, substance abuser, someone who NEEDED him.

I remember one night around Christmas that year, we went to a Bruce Springsteen concert. He spent almost all the 3 hours texting her. Of course this was his “boss.” I found the number later. He was upset that he couldn’t leave to go help her.

That Christmas eve (he wasn’t teaching her driving any more), he stayed downstairs in our room all night. Normally we spend all night with our kids, eating and having fun. But he had to “wrap presents.”

In January 2012, the you-know-what hit the fan. A phone call came to the kitchen phone. He grabbed the phone and went outside, for an hour. To this day this is a huge trigger for me, if he walks out of the room with the phone. When I came in, I grilled him. Who did he need to talk to outside? He said her “boyfriend” was threatening to come over and kick his butt. So again, he got caught and had to tell me. He had been seeing her almost EVERY day. He took her shopping and hung out for lunch and coffee and whatever else.

This lasted for the next year and a half.

When You Decide to Stay: Dealing with triggers and the issue of trust while rebuilding your marriage.

I screamed and forced him to write a no-contact letter to her, which he did…but instead of saying he loved his wife, etc., he told her his “wife is a strong woman who won’t hesitate to make good on her threats.” He sent this and I walked out of the room. When I came back in, he was using a DIFFERENT email account to talk with her.

We saw a marriage counselor soon after, who was basically a very nice, but useless person. He complained about all these things I wasn’t doing—wearing fashionable clothing, perfume, and makeup while I worked at home.

Just before a camping trip for his birthday in August 2014, I saw an email from her. I wasn’t searching for it. I had ordered something for his birthday and realized it was his account and needed to get the receipt out of his email so he didn’t see it. And there was a thread of emails back and forth which basically proved the relationship had continued.

But because he had gone underground—allowing her to send him emails at his work and use his work number—I had no idea. He claimed he hadn’t slept with her, but I did find a journal he had been writing where he described her lack of orgasms. He also told me he HAD to keep seeing her because she threatened rape charges. Even though I said a woman needs DNA to do so, he kept denying.

Back to the same marriage counselor. I ended up stopping because she really had no clue how to help us.

I'm having an affair

Affairs #3, 4, 5:

I’m lumping these together because as far as I know, these were all cyber affairs, interspersed with Facebook posts from him to other women and publicly telling them how hot they were.

One of these cyber affairs was with his FIRST COUSIN. He was in touch with her after 40 years. Her emails to him started to become pornographic and obscene, complete with naked pictures and her telling him to leave me for her.  When he finally came clean (because again, he got caught), he said he was only trying to get family information. Uh huh.

I got us to a new counselor. He spoke for 45-minutes all about himself. He said how much he liked looking at the naked pics of his cousin. I was barely able to get a word in. The counselor told him that until he got some individual help, there was nothing she could do. I knew he wouldn’t.

I sent his cousin an email and basically told her to F**K OFF. He saw my email and wrote her an APOLOGY letter for his “sorry” wife.

So I guess all this wasn’t enough. He started talking to a woman at work for hours at a time, on his work phone. When I asked about it, he told me to shut up.

Then he became Facebook friends with another former co-worker. He was on messaging her all day and night. When I asked him (because I saw all the posts) why he was doing this, he again told me to shut up.

A year later he was still messaging her. I threatened to leave if he didn’t stop, so he did. He even deleted Facebook.

Because the affairs apparently were not enough, he abused me verbally, emotionally, and physically for years, doing things like barring the door so I couldn’t get out, screaming at me, shining a light in my face in the middle of the night so I couldn’t sleep, and the gaslighting—oh, the gaslighting.

What is Gaslighting? How to Know if You Are Being Gaslighted

JUDE

Jude isn’t my lover’s name, but I told him I am obsessed with Jude Law. 😊 My Jude is better looking if you can believe that. He is incredibly hot, muscular, tan, with curly black hair and graying at the temples that is gorgeous. And you know what else? He is a genuinely nice man. He loves his family and his grand kids. (He’s divorced.)

I knew him in high school—45 years ago—and we have been Facebook friends as well. His friendship helped me through some really bad times. I was already smitten just talking with him and looking at him. And then I got the opportunity to see him in person because my girlfriend wanted to spend her birthday where he was. When I asked him if we could get together, he agreed and met us at our condo. I was blown away. I mean…like a 15-year old. I was thankful to have him there because she got wasted on her birthday and I couldn’t get her out of the car! He suggested we go hang out on the beach and let her sleep in the car for a while.

On the beach, we talked for about an hour, and then all of a sudden he started kissing me. And I was gone forever. I have NEVER in my life been kissed like that. NEVER. We decided to go get my friend and get her to bed, which we did. She wanted to sleep on the deck (it was warm) and wanted to spoon with him, so I “gave her permission.” He conked out.

I went back to my bedroom, got naked and got into bed, half hoping he would come in. He didn’t. He fell asleep on the couch.

The next day he had to go, but my friend wanted to fly the 20-minutes to see him, so we did. We all visited dive bars. I got a room for her at the hotel next to his condo, and I went up to his condo. Honestly, it happened so fast but I couldn’t think about anything else. He was totally kind and respectful and kept asking if it was okay. Okay??? I couldn’t get enough. I didn’t think about my husband for a second.

The day after that we had to head back. Then we missed our flight and had to stay another night…oh no! I called Jude and he said he and his friend would be there that night.

I got another room for us and left my friend with his friend. She is also in an abusive relationship and never married the guy, but wears a ring. She said in no way was she going to hook up with his friend…and then she did! Jude and I stayed up until 4:30 in the morning. I stayed up longer holding him and feeling him breathe.

I knew I was in deep doo-doo.

We walked on the beach and talked about everything under the sun and even though it felt like love on my part, I’m smart enough to know it was just lust at that point for both of us. He had had a long-term relationship and was badly burned, and I was also in a bad situation.

We all went out to breakfast, and he cried when he had to leave. So did I. So have I every day I’ve been away from him, but I don’t want to scare him or be too pushy.

Why Do Women Cheat? It Is Not For the Reasons You Might Think

I’m Having an Affair – Now what?

I have no idea. We are messaging every day. I have him calling my work phone. I’m doing what was done to me…but it’s not revenge if that makes sense. I wanted to feel beautiful, sexy, and desired, and Jude made me feel that way in droves. I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I haven’t felt desire like that in 30 years.

Since I got home I have been trying really hard to be normal, but I’m irritable and impatient. Jude and I talked about how bad he felt. His ethnicity is all about doing the right thing, and I think he felt so, so guilty. He said I shouldn’t have a “boyfriend” while I’m sorting this all out. I think “boyfriend” is pretty cute. So the plan I have is 6 months. Why 6 months?

My husband’s last affair was just last year. I have had no “atonement” (from the Gottman method) despite asking multiple times. He shows no remorse whatsoever and of course blames it all on me. We saw the Gottman therapist about a month ago, but again I felt he was useless. I felt worse leaving his office.

During the last episode where I was imprisoned in my room, the night before Thanksgiving 2018, my husband chased me through the house and cut his arm on something. Up until about a month ago, there was still blood on the hallway wall. I left it there. When I mentioned it to the therapist, my husband lied his head off and said I bit him. WTH? I stood up, called him a liar, and left the room.

Affair Trauma Part 3: What I Learned at the Gottman Affair Trauma Seminar

My Plan

So. The plan is 6 months to give him a chance to atone and apologize and…do what he is supposed to do. I already know I am numb and will never get the feeling back.  Yes, I do love him but am not in love with him. In fact, most of the time I feel nothing but contempt (one of the Gottman’s Four Horsemen).

I’m not going to beg anymore. I’m not going to care if he has another affair. Oh, and yes I do still sleep with him but that part is over too. I also now have a gun and pepper spray in our room in case he does it again. Drastic times. If in 6 months he doesn’t shape up, divorce is going to happen.

I think that Jude feels really scared and really guilty but I told him it’s all on me. He will not be discovered, and he’s 3000 miles away. Yes, I long for his brain and his body, but I’m not going to pressure him for anything. If it doesn’t actually work out for us, I will be so sad BUT  this whole thing has taught me what I’m worth, and that I am actually still desirable to someone and able to have hot sex all night.

Sorry—I said it was graphic. But think about not having that for years in a relationship, or if you do, it’s 2 minutes. Jude was asking me the whole time if this, that, and the other thing was okay. I’ve never had a man who asked me what I wanted.

This affair has empowered me. I fly a lot on business and can always use that as an excuse to go see him. But right now all it can be is friends with benefits. I would never ask him to commit to anything but that. I wouldn’t ever get married again anyway.

As an aside, my husband has been surveilling me since we were first together, and he’s trying to get more stealthy. I noticed he was looking at micro surveillance cameras (check out your spouse’s Amazon browsing history), and he bought one. I bought a counter surveillance device, which is how I found them on my last 2 trips. The one in Arizona went in the toilet. This latest one got buried as well.

Now a plug for Sarah and her mentoring! I signed up for it today because we have chatted back and forth, but I don’t want her to do that for free. I really need to talk with her and get this all sorted out so I can have a plan. I do worry that my husband will get violent so I would have to leave in stealth. I will be taking my dogs with me. I work remotely so that’s not an issue. I’m getting things ready.

I don’t mind being judged. I know you will form your own opinions. I know deep in my heart that affairs are the worst things you can do to a marriage, having been betrayed as much as I have.

My husband not only abused me verbally, emotionally, and physically, but he betrayed me as often as he could, telling these other women a whole lot about me and getting them to feel sorry for him. He also has told my son and daughter I had an affair 20 years ago. This is a lie and an attempt to slam me to them.

All this and it doesn’t feel like revenge, not one bit. I felt no guilt. I don’t now. I want Jude and I am going to have him. 😊

My grown children won’t understand because this isn’t something mom would do. Good old dependable mom. But it is so time for me. I can’t imagine living this way the next 30 years.

I am fairly certain most of you won’t understand or think worse of me because cheaters are the worst. But I don’t feel like a cheater. I feel like I have given him every single chance I could.

I guess this is one of the situations where I felt desperate enough for love to do this. I’ve never had an affair, ever, and I’m not sure how this all works. I hope it all works out for me and for all of you. Hang in there.

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Thanks so much to ‘Rose’ for sharing her story!  We love to share articles from our readers.  So if you’d  like to submit an article for us to possibly post on the blog, feel free to contact us about your ideas.

    15 replies to "I’m Having an Affair and Looking at Cheating in a Different Way"

    • Robert

      I believe the best way through this is for you to hire a Pro who can get this job and more done for you in no time.
      i had the thoughts that my Wife was cheating but i had no proof or evidence to show… she was very clever indeed. I hired Mr Gary and he came through for me in a short time. i had access to her phones, yes he cloned it. i could see all her texts,emails,call logs,social media accounts(whatsapp, instagram,snapchat and others). Contact him (cybertechhub100 at gmail dot com). Hes definitely going to come through for you to. We need to be happy in our relationship/marriage.

    • Rose

      Uh…thanks but I’m not looking for surveillance!

    • Shifting Impressions

      Rose
      Thank you for sharing your story….that couldn’t have been easy.

      I’m thinking that your situation isn’t really about leaving your marriage for your “affair partner”. It’s more about whether you are finally able to say “enough”. Enough of being cheated on., lied to and abused. I doubt that your husband is suddenly going to do a “turn around” in the next six months if he hasn’t in all these years.

      I am definitely NOT here to judge you. I think perhaps you need to ask yourself if you want to leave this marriage regardless of how things turn out with someone else. Somehow this affair has empowered you to take action. But having heard your story in the past I have always known you deserve more. Take care and stay safe as you make some of these really difficult decisions.

      • Rose

        Thank you SI. You hit the nail on the head.

    • Exercisegrace

      I would suggest you take a big step back and ask yourself who YOU want to be. Cheating is always the morally reprehensible choice. I think what you are really struggling with is the growing knowledge that you need out of a marriage where you are being continually abused. But hooking up with ANOTHER cheating man isn’t the answer. Yes he’s single, but anyone who encourages you to dive into the cesspool of infidelity is not a person with any morals or values. At best you’ll spend the next years wondering when THIS man will cheat on you. Another negative is that when your husband catches you (and he will, the truth always comes out) your one mistake will (in his warped view) erase his multitude of mistakes. Making false equivalencies are a cheaters go to move.

      Take some time to focus on YOU. Just you. Who you want to be, where you want your life to go. Focus on how you get back to the Rose you were before this whole entire mess your husband stirred up, began. Eight years after my husbands affair, I am realizing that the biggest casualty of his affair is who I let myself become in the wake of it. I have to admit I have let it make me a different person. A lot of that? Not in a good way. Time to concentrate on being the best version of myself and not letting his affair and his choices taint mine. I encourage you to do that as well.

    • Soul mate

      Hi Rose,
      I understand your situation. Just needed to ask, why after 30 years of abuse the need to have a gun and pepper spray for defense you would even dare to have an affair or even want to give your abuser 6 more months to apologize and change when at no time he has shown you he has any intention of doing so? I was once married to a very abusive,cheating man and was afraid for my life. It took me 9 years to finally leave. 3 months in a women’s center with three babies in tow I finally left. It was the best decision of my life.

      Truly think about what you are doing right now. You are putting yourself at higher risk by having an affair and you are also putting your AP at risk, not that I have any respect or concern for any AP regardless of the married persons story. With that being said, why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who condones and participates in an affair after everything you know to be true about them and the people who have them? It seems to me that you are jumping from an atrocious fire, right back into the frying pan. Your affair partner is taking advantage of your state of mind and situation. If he were truly your friend he would encourage you to leave your abuser and respect you by keeping his distance and feelings to himself while you do. He is no less an abuser than the one you are with. BEWARE! They are all wonderful, until they are NOT! He’s divorced for a reason and you are NOT going to get the whole truth from him. Take the blinders off girl! Get out of the FOG!

      Truly think about what you are doing. If you are still thinking about giving your husband 6 months, then it sounds to me that your affair is more of a revenge/acting out as a cry for attention tool than it is anything else. And that is clearly dangerous and very selfish. Even if you keep it from your husband out of fear of physical abuse, why wouldn’t his physical abuse be enough to compel you to leave? Why is it that you choose to hide weapons in your bedroom than to escape 30 years of extreme abuse? Why would you risk your life and the life of another to achieve an simple apology and change from your abuser? These questions, I think, would be your most important to concentrate on if I were in your circumstance and considering what I know from having the same experience. In other words, you are playing with fire Dear and when you do that, you are risking your very life.

      I would suggest that you get out now, go to a women’s abuse center or any place you know you would be safe, get an order of protection immediately, and most importantly, see a Psycho therapist right away to work out your own very self destructive issues with allowing and tolerating abusive relationships into your life and your retaliation in the same way before entering ANY new relationship. An affair and people who engage in them are acting out in a severe violation and abuse to another, regardless of the reason, be they single and the affair partner or the married person. Anything that you get a thrill out of in the act of hurting another is abuse period! There is no justification. None.

      Think carefully and do the right thing! Be Safe!

    • Rose

      Thanks all.
      For clarification, my AP did not want this. I talked him into this. He has encouraged me to be by myself for a while. And it won’t happen again anytime soon bc he is 3000 miles away.
      I’m not getting a “thrill” out of hurting anyone. I’ve seen an MC with H so many times I’ve lost track. I have asked and asked him the questions I need answered but all I get is stonewalled. I asked one last time before my trip for him to think about some things but there has still been no response. Of course there us no “fixing” him. The 6 months is more for me to get things in order. Anyone following my posts knows how complicated things are.
      I am not prepared to leave yet but am making my way there.
      The one thing is…you are judging my friend and I don’t believe all APs are the same. He is a kind gentle soul who wants what is best for me. If it were just about sex without thought or emotion he might be here now, but he is giving me breathing room.
      This is all up to me. I am seeing 2 counselors now (Sarah included!) who will help me along the path. Thank you for your concern though! Much appreciated.

      • Exercisegrace

        While I have sympathy for what you are going through, cheating is cheating. When you commit adultery, you check your values, your morals and your dignity at the door. You don’t get to make excuses or exceptions. I’m glad you are getting help. I think you’ve been in a horrible situation and I whole-heartedly believe you deserve so much more. But I will never accept anyone excusing or trying to normalize an affair. Everyone who cheats ALWAYS thinks….but I am different! My situation excuses it! My affair partner is a great person. I suppose it’s what they have to do to make the choices they make. This is a great group of people and you will find support here but I don’t think anyone will condone the affair or tell you to go for it.

        • Rose

          Not looking for approval but thanks. Just telling the story.

        • Rose

          Also I would have to disagree with always/never statements. He checked out of the marriage and broke the contract with his first affair. Yes I am trying to get out but having seen this from a new perspective and still having my dignity and morals…going to have to disagree with you. First husband cheated on me but was a pedophile. I got out of that one right away. 38 years later with this H, I should have learned my lesson that he was never going to change.

          • Soul mate

            Hi Rose,

            Straight up, I do understand your situation with your husband as my first marriage was horribly abusive, (physical, emotional, controlling, infidelity, drugs and alcohol) and it took me 9 years to stop making excuses for him, hiding it from my family and friends and to get out of it. It was a horrible time in my and my kids lives (they were babies at the time) and I still see my adult kids suffering emotionally to this day because of it and it breaks my heart. 3 months of living in a women’s crisis center, the loss of my job as he would come to my work place and threaten other workers, being attacked on the street, restraining orders, sleeping with and ax under my mattress in my new apartment, the fear of being alone raising my 3 kids, eating nothing but a potato each day for fear I’d take food out of my kids mouths. Oh yes dear, I know the horrible world of abuse in every shape and form.
            This is precisely the reason why I beg the question of your decisions. You write as if your husband deserves revenge and so this is what you are giving back to him. I have great difficulty, based on your reaction to comments here, that you have truly made up your mind.
            In your initial blog you said that you would be giving your husband 6 more months to change and now you are stating that you need those 6 months to get things in order. Which is it? Do you want him to change or have you given up and need the time to prepare to leave? Why would you need a man (AP) to validate you as a woman? How can you see your AP as anything other than what he is after everything you’ve learned about cheating partners and the harm they cause? Him being single does NOT make him a good mate. Nor does your husbands abuse justify your behavior. And you begging him to have sex with you? How does that validate you as a woman? How does an affair give you the courage to leave a clear and present danger? Puzzling.
            You are hoarding weapons to defend yourself against a man you describe as a monster, which is a clear indication that you are in eminent danger and you further aggravate that danger by indulging in an affair? It’s like poking a sleeping bear.
            I am terribly sad for you. The ambivalence and reasoning of your own actions are what could ultimately be your demise. Are 6 more months really worth it? Ultimately, I am glad that you are seeking counseling. I hope it helps you to clear your head and make better decisions moving forward. Good Luck and for heavens sake, Be Safe!

    • Mya

      Hi Rose,
      I get it!! I”m in the same situation. The only (and big) difference is that now my husband has decided that he wants the marriage and me and is trying to do better. I almost wish he was still the same selfish, cheating person so my decision would be easier. But now I am more confused than ever. Stay with a man that I don’t love but have a life with? (married 37 years) Or leave and risk so much, but have the chance at something even better? For now I’ve decided to stop my affair and try to work it out with my husband. But I am so unhappy and I don’t know know how much longer I can live like this.

      • Rose

        Well there you go. You get it exactly. Does your H know about the affair?

        • Mya

          Yes, and since he found out he is less willing to see or help with my recovery. He says I already helped myself. Does yours know?

          • Rose

            No. And he never will.

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