It’s imperative that you get in touch with your own power after infidelity strikes.
By Linda & Doug
We wanted to address a common struggle that many – if not most – of our betrayed readers and members experience at some point in their recovery and healing process.
A loss of control or power of the situation.
Now typically there are 2 general scenarios that we commonly encounter:
- The unfaithful person refuses to end their affair and/or make a choice as to who they are going to choose to be with.
- The unfaithful spouse isn’t participating in the recovery and healing process.
For the purposes of this post, we’d like to concentrate on the second scenario.
Here’s an excerpt from an email we received a while back that demonstrates this particular situation. (And we get these types of emails on a daily basis.)
I’ve been going to group sessions and have gotten support and learned many coping mechanisms to help with my despair. I’ve tried to work with my spouse, but four months after D day, he was done. Over it. “Get over it or don’t. Move on.” How I hate those hurtful words. He says he’s been good. He’s made changes. I have nothing to worry about. How do I know? Because he tells me so.
Here’s the thing: he still works at that company; he still has contact with his affair partner; he won’t prove it by showing texts and emails after promising to do just that. On and on. One broken promise after another. He doesn’t care to rebuild trust. He doesn’t care about forgiveness. He says to just be happy! No resolution. No more discussion or clarification.
Trying to get him to read articles is futile. He doesn’t believe in any therapy, refuses to talk to anyone besides himself and believes what his brain tells him. I’m the victim in this, yet I must treat him as the victim giving in to avoid his emotional and verbal punishment for hurting his feelings!! That’s insane!
Recently, I (Doug) shared the email with David Feder during an interview for the Affair Recovery Movement.
David is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping people recover from infidelity, a forgiveness trainer and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. He is also the founder of the website My Life After an Affair and is passionate about helping people recover from infidelity.
I asked him several questions on how a person should address such a situation in a way that they can empower themselves to somehow affect the recovery and healing process. (among other things as well)
You can listen to the full interview below:
David also shares some DO’s and DON’T’s that the Hurt Partner May Want to Consider (David goes over these in the audio as well):
- Accept that the affair happened
- Discover your “best self” & be that person
- Know your VISION & keep focused
- Draft healthy boundaries/ Consequences/accountability
- Be in control of your emotions/reactions
- Maintain authentic connection/honesty
- Create a good support network
- Give the wayward partner space to figure them self out within boundaries
- Insist on holding onto the past, trying to re-create the past; your old relationship is DEAD
- Define yourself based on what the WS does and doesn’t do
- Remain dependent
- Be reactive; wishy washy
- Offend from the victim position (guilt/shame)
- Be passive-aggressive
- Do it alone
- Threaten the wayward partner to do something you aren’t sure of
In an earlier post Sarah P shared some empowering affirmations that one might consider
She created a list of affirmations that she sincerely hoped you will read often. Sarah goes on to say…
“I invite you to take it a step further and to say these affirmations aloud to yourself. Our brains are wired in such a way that repetition is required to develop new thought patterns and habits. If these affirmations do not sound like your inner voice as of yet, I invite you to say them out loud many times until you feel them. Of course, if any of these affirmations do not suit your needs or fit your situation, there is no need to use them.
It is simply a suggested list that I have put together for you. All of these affirmations are written for anyone to use. If you believe in the one God, then I invite you to pray with these. As always, my advice is only a suggestion and never something that you should do just because I suggested it.” (If you’d like to download and print off a PDF version of this list, click here)
4 Empowering Thoughts from Linda for Affair Recovery
Finally, Linda shared some of her thoughts on this back in 2012 – when we were going through this mess:
We’d love to read some examples of how others were able to empower themselves during the affair recovery process. If you would, please share your experiences in the comment section below. Thanks!