Flirting and Lack of Boundaries

flirting and lack of boundariesAs long as we have been married, or for that matter ever since I have known Doug, he has always been outgoing and charming with the ladies.  It was just something that I accepted – or believed that I couldn’t change.  Little did I know (and has honestly taken me years to finally realize) the negative impact that his flirting and lack of boundaries had on our marriage.

I remember a couple of years ago when a discussion began on our blog about flirting and I read Doug’s comment concerning the subject.  I was shocked when he said that back when he was a flirt he was able to dismiss it as “harmless fun.”

I believe he wrote something to the effect of:  “What man doesn’t enjoy the ego boosting rise they get from flirting?” I believe he thought that it was fun and had little impact on our marriage.

Well if anyone was around at the time of that comment you may recall that I later wrote a post about the effects that Doug’s flirting had on me. 

Without going into much detail about the post, it was at that time I was finally able to understand and express how deeply I had been affected by his flirting throughout our entire marriage.  I know that declaration finally sunk in and Doug was able to understand just how harmful his flirting and lack of boundaries actually were.

When you are the spouse of a “flirt” it’s easy to understand how your spouse’s flirting hurts you on the surface. 

In the past if Doug would ignore me at a social function or wander off to talk to someone else instead of me, it killed my self esteem.  I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me and I tried everything to get him to notice and spend more time with me. 

Nothing ever seemed to work because as I subsequently learned, deep down it was his problem and not mine.

Flirting and Lack of Boundaries at Work Can be Dangerous

flirting and lack of boundaries

Even though I was aware of how his subtle flirting affected our marriage while I was present, I never really understood the repercussions it had when I was not there – like when Doug was at work. 

I didn’t realize how prevalent office affairs were and how easy it was for a person to become involved with someone at work.

I guess I lived in a bubble or was too busy to think about it.

I work in a school full of women, and we don’t have time to go to the restroom, let alone flirt with anyone – or have an affair. 

You definitely don’t see me at my best everyday or find me very desirable as I scurry around a classroom with kid’s snot wiped on my skirt and marker all over my face.  It’s just not a conducive environment for human sexuality or romance.

Doug’s working world was a lot different than mine.  He also worked with a lot of women but most of these women were involved in sales, so their personalities and appearances were much different than mine.

I’m not trying to step on anyone’s toes but some of these women were very good at pretending to be someone they weren’t. 

His work environment was also different from the standpoint that his day was unstructured.  He had time to shoot the bull, joke around or get personal.  In fact, that was primarily how he got business.  He would get people to like him and then move that friendship towards a business relationship.  He also had time to take long lunches and converse in a relaxing way with someone other than his spouse.

I’m not sure if I lived in denial or just didn’t want to face the facts, but I really never thought about what was happening when Doug was at work. 

I knew that Doug would frequently go out to lunch with female coworkers (not until his post did I know they were sometimes “attractive” female coworkers) or he would sit around and shoot the bull.  I trusted him and believed it when he said it was a way to drum up business.  

I know that was accurate to some extent but looking back I believe it was also a way for him to justify what he was doing, rather than how it helped his business. 

Not until later did I realize how damaging this all was to our marriage and how it led to his emotional affair.

Flirting Isn’t Necessarily Innocent or Harmless

flirting and lack of boundariesWhen a spouse flirts or crosses boundaries in a relationship by doing something as seemingly innocent as having lunch with a coworker of the opposite sex, they can put their marriage in serious jeopardy. 

When a husband makes it a habit to engage himself with a member of the opposite sex he is creating a polarization between that woman and his wife. (Rest assured that I am only using a man as an example, as all of this can certainly pertain to a woman as well.)

They may be completely unaware that this is happening.  However, when he is having a relaxing lunch with another woman and that woman is on her best behavior, she is dressed nicely and she tells interesting stories, he begins to believe that this woman has it all.

Later, the husband goes home to his wife who is wearing those same old sweats, complaining about the kids and has nothing interesting to talk about except the broken dryer.  The husband begins to believe that the grass may be greener on the other side. 

Even though they may have no interest in these other women, they still begin to highlight the flaws of their wives and begin to believe that there is something out there that is more desirable. 

They begin to lose sight of all the qualities that they loved about their wives and the importance of their marriages. 

If this behavior becomes a habit, they begin to wonder why they got married in the first place when there are so many other possibilities out there in the world.

Another negative impact is that the husband is presenting his best side as well – with someone else.  He is being charming, patient and charismatic.  He shares great stories and funny jokes with these other women.  Unfortunately, he has little need or desire to share all this with his wife when he gets home.

The more it becomes enjoyable and fulfilling to engage in this behavior at work, the less of an effort he will make to communicate with his wife at home.

It is also possible that the husband begins to blame his wife for pulling away or showing little interest in him, when in reality he is being “filled up” at work and does not need to engage with his wife as much.

Finally, the most damaging implication of flirting and lack of boundaries is where it all can lead. 

As a woman I understand how intoxicating it can be to have a man show interest in you.  You feel giddy and like a teenager again.  However for most committed women, they respect themselves and their marriages enough to know when and how to stop it from escalating into something that could be destructive. 

Honestly, it is fairly easy to stop.  You mention your husband a hundred times in a conversation, you keep a good physical distance and you don’t allow it to become a habit. 

I am pretty sure that most of the women that Doug was around kept to those boundaries.  They knew that he was married and respected boundaries.

The problem is when both participants have issues within themselves, their marriages or lives and they really don’t care or think about the implications of their flirting. 

It’s fun, it feels good and they believe they deserve it. Both participants become completely selfish and self absorbed.

They allow their flirting to get way out of hand and they allow it to become something they justify as being meaningful and special. 

Little do they realize that it fulfills the same ego boost as their flirting did to begin with and that it is the only thing that can sustain it. 

Doug has said that his affair partner could have been anyone and that it was all about the timing.  I believe this to be true.  It could have been anyone.  Anyone who was vulnerable, lacked boundaries and was selfish at the time. 

I also believe that it could have been prevented if we would have communicated better about the implications and risks of engaging in this type behavior at work.  We should have had an honest discussion on how his flirting was not innocent and that it was harmful to everyone involved. 

I am not sure if Doug would have listened to my concerns because it was the way things were back then.  Unfortunately, it often takes some kind of wake up call to be aware of the effects of any behavior.

 

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20 Responses to Flirting and Lack of Boundaries

  1. chiffchaff February 25, 2013 at 7:29 am #

    Very good article Linda. Flirting isn’t harmless fun when you’re married/ in a committed relationship.
    My H also flirted openly with women and this ultimately led to where we are now. Interestingly a discussion we had last year about his family revealed that his dad was also a terrible flirt and that my H had seen the effects of this on his mother. His mother would feel inadequate and get angry about this flirting whereas his dad would get angry because he saw nothing wrong in it. My MiL has extremely low self-esteem and this flirting behaviour still continues, in fact my FiL uses very inappropriate language when discussing women (like me I might add) that he consdiers to not be attractive to him. It leads to a feeling that women only have merit if they’re attractive in some subjective way. Yet he does it knowing that my MiL is hurt by it. what an example to set to their three children.
    During the ‘fog’ phase my H flirted more than ever with every woman he met, even if I was there. I started to see it for what it was, an instant fix for him feeling bad about himself. The harder our marriage was the more he flirted.
    Now our marriage is happier and he’s taken the time to consider how his actions affect me as well as him, his flirting has decreased such that I don’t notice him flirting anymore.

  2. Natalia February 25, 2013 at 12:02 pm #

    Great post and a good reminder for all.

  3. WasInTheFogButNowOut February 25, 2013 at 12:39 pm #

    If the intent is innocent and the person understands on no uncertain terms that the gentleman who is flirting with them has no actual interest in pursuing them, then I see no harm. Obviously if the OH of the flirters feel upset then that’s hurtful but tbh it’s human nature to want to be liked and get along with others.
    Linda, to say you wanted Doug’s attention, that he was ignoring you seems a little needy. That is, providing he wasn’t pushing you away in the social situation. I don’t believe in being joined at the hip in company of others, I doubt Doug was neglecting you. If he was then he is clearly at fault but merely getting on with socialising with others alone isn’t necessarily being neglectful.
    Respecting how the other feels and being honest if it makes you uncomfortable seems the best thing all round.

    • exercisegrace February 25, 2013 at 2:30 pm #

      How do you define on “no uncertain terms”? How do you establish what someone else’s intent is? People that flirt habitually are playing with fire. They will eventually run into someone who does NOT see it as harmless fun or who flirts back and they discover a growing attraction to this person. The point being, most people who flirt DO think it is harmless. Until it leads them down the slippery slope into adultery.

      I don’t believe in being joined at the hip either in social situations (hence the term social), but I don’t think that is what Linda meant. I think she felt ignored completely in certain settings. There is a happy medium.

      • exercisegrace February 25, 2013 at 2:34 pm #

        One last thought. Because he was married, and because his soon to be AP was in a long term relationship, my husband was able to fool himself into believing that there was no harm in it. That they were both in committed relationships and it wouldn’t go anywhere.

        I also think if we all spelled out what we perceive as “flirtatious behavior” it would vary widely. What I might perceive as being friendly, someone else would call flirtatious.

    • forcryin'outloud February 25, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

      Was in the fog – I subscribed to the belief of your first paragraph and look where it got me….on this website as the betrayed. So I’ve got to say from my perspective that philosophy doesn’t hold water.

  4. Recovering February 25, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    Flirting when you are married is wrong in my opinion. My husband never saw it until now… AFTER he cheated. The married whore started flirting with him and he said it made him feel like someone wanted him. Well, I wanted him!! Is why I married him!! I told him that it disgusted me that he could even find it appealing that someone like the OW would want him!! She was married, so obliviously from the get-go she was a lying slut!! And he found THAT attractive?!?!! I have had men try to flirt with me, both before and since the affair, as I am in a job where I work with a lot of different people on a regular basis. I no longer respect a man who is married that tries to flirt with me. In fact, they will pretty much get the cold shoulder from then on – all business, not even any kind demeaner!! It is disgusting!! A man, or woman, should NEVER do anything or say anything when they are without their spouse that they wouldn’t do with their spouse standing right there with them. His flirting made ME look and feel bad, in my opinion, and he knows so. If he wants to flit about with other women, then I sure as heck don’t need him. That isn’t respect, and I deserve respect, especially after all of the garbage I have put up with over the years… ESPECIALLY now….

    • exercisegrace February 25, 2013 at 2:36 pm #

      and right there is probably the definition of where the line needs to be. If you wouldn’t do it or say it if your spouse was standing right there beside you, then you have crossed a line.

  5. tryinghard February 25, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

    My H is a very good dancer. But so am I. We would go to parties where there was dancing and of course since a lot of H’s don’t dance my girlfriends would seek my H out to dance with. THIS NEVER BOTHERED ME. Many times I was left sitting at the table alone while he was out dancing with other wives and I felt stupid for sitting there but I knew he was having fun and it made him feel good to be admired as a good dancer. Well guess what? NEVER AGAIN will I put up with that. It was disrespectful to me. He knew I was sitting there by myself or worse having to carry on some sort of boring conversation with the “non dancing” husband. Again I cared about him having fun at my expense of sitting there.

    No after affair behavior is different and if he doesn’t quite understand I am perfectly capable and ready to tell him. Even flirting with waitstaff who only flirt with men because they think they are getting a better tip if they do had better be shunned. BTW I pay the bill when these women do this and the tip isn’t quite what they thought it would be–hehehe. Yes the line in the sand is deep and clear. He doesn’t have to abide by it but he knows where the door is too. NO MORE DISRESPECT OF ANY TYPE. He better be appreciating the compliments I give him about his dancing than what other people think.

    Linda this was a great post. I like hearing from you. Yes Doug did disrespect you at social situations when he ignored you in lieu of being entertained by another shiny object. I see plenty of couples in social situations who never stray too far from each other. WasintheFog I understand your point but I really think you are missing Linda’s point.

  6. SamIam February 25, 2013 at 3:04 pm #

    My H is not a flirt, so I was so disappointed when he told me that he did not realize there were “boundaries”! I call BS! Really he did not know enough not to get into discussions about marriages~ the pluses and minuses~ with a married woman? She had him snagged right there! She knew it….but somehow he didn’t!?!? I don’t buy it. It is a societal norm that you protect your marriage. That is why we took vows! The disappointment that he did not respect our marriage enough to protect himself & me from that trollop is nearly overwhelming. I think the social norm should have been enough for him to know he had crossed the boundaries. Truth…I never told him…”you don’t discuss our marriage with another woman” …..so I guess the mistake is mine, thus I live with the guilt.

  7. forcryin'outloud February 25, 2013 at 3:21 pm #

    My H had always been an incorrigible flirt before he decided to step it up to sheer stupidity with his EA. I tolerated the flirting because I was confident in my person but looking back it eroded the intimate bond between us. Plus in hindsight I can see his behavior made a fool out of me and us.
    Upon inspection of his emails etc post D-day I was floored at how familiar his wording was with female co-workers and female friends. He had no boundaries…God only knows what these women thought. The hoot of it all was when I brought it up in therapy he didn’t see what was so wrong with his behavior. The psychologist had to spell it out for him like he was an adolescent. It still took over a year afterwards for it to truly sink in. I think me being vigilant with his actions and having ZERO tolerance with this bull crap behavior. Being the police in the marriage is baloney! Like I told him the last week this is a partnership.

  8. rachel February 26, 2013 at 3:59 am #

    My Husband was the KING of the flirting.
    He said that it wasn’t flirting it was being friendly. Ya, right!

  9. WasInTheFogButNowOut February 27, 2013 at 6:27 pm #

    I agree completely with Exercisegrace, if you couldn’t/wouldn’t say/do something with your partner there then you shouldn’t be doing it at all- that’s where the line is for me.

  10. Strength required March 1, 2013 at 4:01 am #

    I would tell my h ever since we became h and w, that he has to stop being so nice to other women, they take it the wrong way, as though he is interested.

    He mentioned tha to me the other day,. I hope he gets it now. Flirting doesn’t belong in our marriage unless it is between us.

  11. Cindy March 1, 2013 at 8:03 am #

    My husband has flirted all our married life. He is very handsome and girls fall all over him. I was never upset by his flirting or the fact that other women found him attractive. I felt good about myself and was happy that I “had” that man. Lol. Since the affair, my self esteem has been shattered and I no longer think flirting is harmless. It’s very interesting to me that so many of the responders whose spouses had affairs are also flirts.

  12. WasInTheFogButNowOut March 4, 2013 at 2:56 am #

    This is a bit of a bias set of experiences though, im sure there are many flirters who know when to stop, but they arent here as they never needed to be!
    My new OH (since I split from my ex and stopped seeing my AP) is very flirty and tactile yet his philosophy is that you just make sure you never put yourself into a dangerous situation- no-one is immune given the right circumstances. He never cheated in his whole 18 years with his ex, in circumstances many would have. I fell into my EA/SA because I thought I was safe, ie, we’re both involved so nothing will happen- I was so so wrong.
    I’m so glad I woke up to the fact that the relationship was never going to work out. By the time my OH came along, I was ready to get involved because I wasn’t hung up or attached to anyone- as was he, healing from his break up.

  13. still traumatized July 15, 2014 at 9:29 am #

    I also believe we have an obligation to tell people who are being inappropriate with us to STOP. Responding to flirtation or even ignoring it without clearly saying STOP encourages the flirt. This can be very hurtful to a partner who witnesses/discovers it. A person who continues flirting (not talking about one time instance) must believe they have something to gain from continuing, that the behavior is welcomed.

  14. Mamacheetah July 29, 2014 at 1:25 am #

    Thank you for the article…. I completely agree that not having boundaries with flirting can lead to an affair.

  15. mo May 26, 2015 at 4:28 am #

    We got married in 2011 against our parent’s wish. All our friends and colleagues witnessed our marriage. We have lot of opposite gender friends and never had any problem. Infact, he had lot of female colleagues and friends never doubted anyone of them as they are very open.

    It all happened in 2012 when i was ill and away from him (2months) for treatment. During that time my husband cheated me. He was alone at home and started speaking randomly to people. Even after my return he speaks to a girl (We got married in 2011 against our parent’s wish. All our friends and colleagues witnessed our marriage. We have lot of opposite gender friends and never had any problem. Infact, he had lot of female colleagues and friends never doubted anyone of them as they are very open.

    It all happened in 2012 when i was ill and away from him (2months) for treatment. During that time my husband cheated me. He was alone at home and started speaking randomly to people. Even after my return he speaks to a girl (Akansha Natani Who is a fresher just joined hcl office) every night after i go to sleep. As i was recovering from my illness, i didn’t know what was happening around me. One night, i woke up in the middle of night and came to drink water in the kitchen. I found him talking to that girl by locking the main door. I heard his flirts and didn’t ask him anything at the moment and was continuing. One evening, i was sleeping in the bed and he was next to me and kept messaging that girl continuously. I woke up by the beep of his mobile. When he went to the loo and i picked up his mobile and saw all the messages exchanged in WhatsApp. Nothing was official and they were chatting each other likes. I was so irritated and asked him what was going on. He replied that they were just chatting officially. He yelled at me as if i am wrong. I took back his mobile and messaged her “Stop messaging at my husband”. My husband couldn’t able to digest what i did and he was blaming and blackmailing me. I was really scared at the moment. I didn’t share my feelings with anyone. He started behaving so weird and moved away from me. I talked to one of our friend and at first she didn’t believe me and later she understood and advised him. He later felt sorry for what he did and promised me that he won’t talk to her to hurt me. Next month he alone moved to different state to join a new job. I was on the thinking that he is good and keeping up his promise.

    We met in March 2013 in Goa and had good time. In found so weird that he number locked his mobile phone. I couldn’t stop to know what is there inside the mobile. I somehow cracked the password. I found messages but this time to different girl. It was sort of flirt and she is trying to avoid him. I asked him what’s the story and he just replied that she was his earlier office colleague and he needed some job to be done by her. But i dint understand why there was this flirt. He thrashed me in Goa and i left in tears. I never seen him so presumptuous and arrogant and didn’t want to listen to me. I wanted to teach him a lesson and posted in FB that ” *****won and Mo lost”. All his friends started pestered him and finally he deleted the account. He tried to convince and messaged me that “Last time he was flirting with that girl and felt bad and ashamed, but this time no such things”. I couldn’t believe his words, so i diverted my mind in to work. I hardly trusted him. It created some sense of negativity around me and hurted myself more.

    Later i forget the whole incident and in late 2014, i left my job and joined him. I accepted him whole heartedly. Things were going smooth until one day, i found that he is still in touch with that old girl. He sent money when she was in need. I asked him and he replied that they have to be in touch as professionals and can’t stop that. I don’t have anyone here in this place to share my anxiety. Finally i mailed her to go way from our life. The anxiety was haunting me with episodes and diverted my mind to studies. It was in April 2015, i found his old phone bills. The shit has come out in open. They called and messaged everyday (in 2012 when i was ill) for more that 20-30 times even after he promised that he won’t be touch with her. It was continuing even after he moved to Pune. He hardly called me in those days. She was in touch with him even after i warned her twice. When i encountered him, he said that she worked with him on a project, hence they have to call each other. It was lie. She was in another team and working on a different project.

    I was very clear, either i have to leave this guy or correct things. I decided to correct things. I mailed to his one his close female colleague with all proofs who is good friend to both of us. She admitted that he flirt with all but not harmfully. I don’t have any problem in accepting his unharmful flirts and I knew that. But this was a different one. He came to knew that I shared everything with her. Finally he came in terms with me. He spoke openly after 3 yrs. He said I was one of the reason for his move.

    His reasons:

    I was not around there for 2 months when I was ill. He was alone and needed someone to speak to.
    I treated him badly when comes home untime everyday by drinking too much (not in a steady state, someone has to drop to his home). I didn’t allow him to sleep next to me with that condition. I made him sleep in another room. So he shared everything with that girl. He also shared lot of personal things which should be between us.

    If she is good friend of him, she should have called and talked to me what he feels like. Instead they hide their relation from me. If she is good woman, she wouldn’t call him back after my warnings. They continue to be in touch. Now he says she is married but you know what she is still unmarried.

    It was not about affair I worried now about but his lies. I got married to my best friend who cared me so much. But it is him who is lying. I dont trust him completely and feel so insecured. I am a very bold person and never shrinked at all. I love him so much and will love him, but same time this hatredness is accumulating other side.Akansha Natani Who is a fresher just joined office) every night after i go to sleep. As i was recovering from my illness, i didn’t know what was happening around me. One night, i woke up in the middle of night and came to drink water in the kitchen. I found him talking to that girl by locking the main door. I heard his flirts and didn’t ask him anything at the moment and was continuing. One evening, i was sleeping in the bed and he was next to me and kept messaging that girl continuously. I woke up by the beep of his mobile. When he went to the loo and i picked up his mobile and saw all the messages exchanged in WhatsApp. Nothing was official and they were chatting each other likes. I was so irritated and asked him what was going on. He replied that they were just chatting officially. He yelled at me as if i am wrong. I took back his mobile and messaged her “Stop messaging at my husband”. My husband couldn’t able to digest what i did and he was blaming and blackmailing me. I was really scared at the moment. I didn’t share my feelings with anyone. He started behaving so weird and moved away from me. I talked to one of our friend and at first she didn’t believe me and later she understood and advised him. He later felt sorry for what he did and promised me that he won’t talk to her to hurt me. Next month he alone moved to different state to join a new job. I was on the thinking that he is good and keeping up his promise.

    We met in March 2013 in Goa and had good time. In found so weird that he number locked his mobile phone. I couldn’t stop to know what is there inside the mobile. I somehow cracked the password. I found messages but this time to different girl. It was sort of flirt and she is trying to avoid him. I asked him what’s the story and he just replied that she was his earlier office colleague and he needed some job to be done by her. But i dint understand why there was this flirt. He thrashed me in Goa and i left in tears. I never seen him so presumptuous and arrogant and didn’t want to listen to me. I wanted to teach him a lesson and posted in FB that ” *****won and Mo lost”. All his friends started pestered him and finally he deleted the account. He tried to convince and messaged me that “Last time he was flirting with that girl and felt bad and ashamed, but this time no such things”. I couldn’t believe his words, so i diverted my mind in to work. I hardly trusted him. It created some sense of negativity around me and hurted myself more.

    Later i forget the whole incident and in late 2014, i left my job and joined him. I accepted him whole heartedly. Things were going smooth until one day, i found that he is still in touch with that old girl. He sent money when she was in need. I asked him and he replied that they have to be in touch as professionals and can’t stop that. I don’t have anyone here in this place to share my anxiety. Finally i mailed her to go way from our life. The anxiety was haunting me with episodes and diverted my mind to studies. It was in April 2015, i found his old phone bills. The shit has come out in open. They called and messaged everyday (in 2012 when i was ill) for more that 20-30 times even after he promised that he won’t be touch with her. It was continuing even after he moved to Pune. He hardly called me in those days. She was in touch with him even after i warned her twice. When i encountered him, he said that she worked with him on a project, hence they have to call each other. It was lie. She was in another team and working on a different project.

    I was very clear, either i have to leave this guy or correct things. I decided to correct things. I mailed to his one his close female colleague with all proofs who is good friend to both of us. She admitted that he flirt with all but not harmfully. I don’t have any problem in accepting his unharmful flirts and I knew that. But this was a different one. He came to knew that I shared everything with her. Finally he came in terms with me. He spoke openly after 3 yrs. He said I was one of the reason for his move.

    His reasons:

    I was not around there for 2 months when I was ill. He was alone and needed someone to speak to.
    I treated him badly when comes home untime everyday by drinking too much (not in a steady state, someone has to drop to his home). I didn’t allow him to sleep next to me with that condition. I made him sleep in another room. So he shared everything with that girl. He also shared lot of personal things which should be between us.

    If she is good friend of him, she should have called and talked to me what he feels like. Instead they hide their relation from me. If she is good woman, she wouldn’t call him back after my warnings. They continue to be in touch. Now he says she is married but you know what she is still unmarried.

    It was not about affair I worried now about but his lies. I got married to my best friend who cared me so much. But it is him who is lying. I dont trust him completely and feel so insecured. I am a very bold person and never shrinked at all. I love him so much and will love him, but same time this hatredness is accumulating other side.

  16. SoManyTears January 13, 2017 at 10:35 am #

    My CH has flirted and been inappropriate to women, especially old girlfriends, our entire 14 year marriage…only I didn’t know it. He’s only done this behind my back. I really had no idea until Dday. What do I do about that? I have since found out decades of awful behaviors. He says that he was “just being a man” and that he was “raised that way”. He tells me now, that he’s dropped these behaviors “like a bad habit”. Needless to say, I don’t trust him one bit. I look like such a fool because all these women knew what was going on and I had no clue. They all had been acting like nothing was going on and I considered them my friends. During our marriage, he was encouraging me to be friends with these women and ENJOYING having us together in the same places! These women were visiting me in my home, and spending time with me, KNOWING my H was begging them for sex, while I had no clue. I have isolated myself. I’m so embarrassed by his secretive, horrible actions.

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