negativity and resentmentWhen infidelity strikes your marriage and you are working through all the struggles that go with the betrayal, it can be very easy to forget the things that once drew you and your spouse together.  Additionally, your spouse’s betrayal may have caused an incredible amount of resentment for you.

Looking for anything positive in your relationship during this crisis can be a challenge  and it can be difficult to get past all of the negativity and resentment that is flying around. 

Beneath the painful thoughts of the affair there must surely be happy memories that you have shared with your spouse, as well as appreciable positive qualities in your spouse – even though he/she has caused you so much pain.

So along those lines, our discussion questions for this week…

Have you been caught up in a web of negative thoughts and feelings about your marriage?

Do you feel resentment towards your spouse?  If so, how has it affected your relationship?

Is it tough for you to think about any of the good in your spouse and in your marriage?

What impact have your thoughts after the affair had on your ability to move forward and feel positive about the future of your marriage?

As always, please respond to others in the comment section.


Linda & Doug



See also  Discussion – Can You Forgive Cheating?

    83 replies to "Discussion – Negativity and Resentment Towards Your Spouse"

    • Strength required

      Firstly I have been caught up in the negativity of our marriage, since all of this has happened it has made me wonder if. Are meant to be together.

      Secondly, I do feel resentment towards my h, I don’t understand how he could have done this to our family, to us. I don’t understand how he could tell me he loves me, but still see her behind my back. I don’t understand how, he could cause so much pain, watch her cause so much pain to me, and see me that way, but he only see her feelings, as if mine don’t matter. I don’t understand why she is so important, she doesn’t know him like I do, she doesn’t have kids with him, she is just a good manipulator.
      If I had mentioned anything in regards to her, it can cause arguments, s I’ve been trying to remain strong and watc and see if the clean break happens.
      Thirdly, it hasn’t stopped me seeing the good in my h, as I know, it isn’t him. Mi know he is a good man, and whether I remain with him or not, I would never turn him away, I would always be there for him. I take it as the pedestal I placed my h on, was too high. He is only human after all, and this is a mistake that I would hope he learns from.
      What stops me from moving forward is the fact that my h stills is in communication wit her, he tells me he isn’t since the last time I caught him out, he said he would prove it to me, not sure if he can though.
      He also works a fair distance away, and on occasions he sleeps at work, but it still has me wonder f he is with her. I’m trying not to think about it, but boy is it hard sometimes.
      I’m trying to think positive and move forward with my life, whether my h comes along for the ride or not.

      • exercisegrace

        My heart breaks for you. This is so difficult to deal with. My husband’s affair had been over for a year before she outed it. They had continued to work together during that year, until she quit. I really think it was a last-ditch, desperate move on her part to make him miss her and resume the affair. When I found out, he said in a therapy session that he felt bad for ALL of us. That this was hard for Everyone. Really??? I went ballistic. I said NO. She CHOSE to have an affair with a married man, one with kids no less. She KNEW what she was getting herself into. ME? Go ahead and feel sorry for ME. I didn’t choose to descend into the hell of infidelity.

        Fast forward a month. Bunny boiler setting, full automatic. He wasn’t feeling so sorry for her anymore. Not when she threatened to sue him, ruin his career, and was cyber-bullying me and our children!!! Once she knew he was well and truly out of her life for good? She went ballistic.

        My point? It takes a long time for them to come out of the fog. Sadly, until they are ready to end it with the AP, she is going to make herself seem like the more attractive option. Fantasy-land, population 2. Hang in there. Fight for your marriage if that is truly where your heart is. These skanks show their true colors eventually.

        • Strength required

          Exercise grace, thank you. This has been going on for me for over a year. The poor ow, she is just so attached to him, that she just doesn’t know how to leave him alone and tell him about all of her problems. The other week, e said he can’t help that he is a good listener. Needless to say, he keeps telling me I’m living in the past. How is it the past if she is calling him a million times a day, and him returning her calls. I don’t get it.
          Yet I will say this site, has helped me see so much more to this. I already knew, but to see it validated, makes me feel better.
          I am trying not to bring her up so much, yet I tell you, I would love to to scream at him and let him know that it isn’t her he should be worried about, her feelings mean nothing. It’s my feelings, our children’s future, our future that he should be thinking about.
          She lived without my h for over 20yrs and now she wants him. That’s what makes me sick. This ow I’m dealing with saw how caring my h was, what a good provider to our family, she looked at her own life due to her leaving her h and thought. Ohhh no, what amI going to do, 3 kids and no man to
          Help me raise them. How am I going to continue to buy all my expensive clothes, jewelry, smokes. so my sucker of a h fell right into her trap.
          I’ve told him I want her out of his life, of course he got upset, that even if she was in another country I wouldn’t be happy. I know that he was stressed with work that day and I guess I did provoke him, but honestly. I see now, that unless he sees her for what she truly is, we will be stuck in this limbo. How long I can hold onto my marriage especially if I find out more lies, is something else.
          As for your comment about her making herself look more attractive, her h and herself used to fight all the time, she would give him as much pushing and shoving as he would give her, so all I can say to my h, is if you want that for the rest of your life, go enjoy it. She can’t hold her fake persona up forever.
          So while I get stronger, she gets weaker, and if she ends up with my h, they deserve each other for as long as it lasts.
          I’m not saying, I will stop loving my h, I will always, we shared a lifetime together, and our children would deserve nothing less then us still caring for each other. Yet will he be able to handle me being with someone else.
          I don’t think so.
          So yes the she devil can have her fun for now, but I will sit back and watch her fall. Karma, just waiting for that karma.
          Sometimes writing this, I think wtf am I still here for.

          • livingonafence

            I’m no fan of ANY OW/OM, but why are you blaming her? She didn’t promise you a thing – your H did, and you’re saying you’ll never turn your back on him and yet you call her a devil.
            Sometimes we tend to put too much blame on the AP when it’s our CS that is the one that lied and betrayed us. The AP is just the vehicle they used to do so.
            SN, don’t fall into that trap. If it weren’t OW, he would have found another such vehicle if he felt like it. HE is the one with the boundry issues, HE is the one that hurt you so deeply. HE is the one that promised to love you and lately has been anything but.

            You are NOT in a competition with her. You are HIS WIFE. If he cannot/will not treat you that way, it isn’t her fault, it’s his. Blame him. Yell at him. Let HIM know you are much better than some tramp that chases married men, but if he can’t see that then you’ll find someone that can.

            Just because you want to stay with him doesn’t mean this isn’t his doing. She didn’t trick him, or seduce him, or do anything else that he didn’t willingly let her do. He egged her on and took all of the compliments in and did what he needed to do to get more.

            Maybe I’m speaking out of turn, but I see this so often. That woman never promised you a lifetime of security and happiness. That woman didn’t start a family with you, only to tear it apart years later. That woman didn’t break your heart again and again because it was better for her so to hell with you. HE DID.

            You are right to be very angry, but in my opinion you’re anger with her is simply a vehicle to let that anger out – that anger that his actions caused.

            • tryinghard

              First I agree with all you said above. Yes he is the one who made promises to you she made nothing. HOWEVER he did not have an affair by himself. It wasn’t the palm of his hand talking to him!! The OW/OM bears half the responsibility ESPECIALLY if you have a relationship with them!! And not that our dumbass Hs should have taken them up on it but do you not know women who will go after anyone’s man and has the attitude devil may care? I totally get what you are saying about responsibilities to the marriage but one would be stupid to put all the blame on the OW but she definitely has to accept the responsibility and wrath from her choices as well.

            • Strengthrequired

              Lotf- yes I do blame her, my h went through a depression, midlife crisis. Yes she did seduce him, there are things that this woman did prior to nothing happening, all the manipulation. You see she is a cousin of my h, she left her h, needed someone o support her an er kids, she cane into our life jus a couple o months prior, she is supposed to be family, she knew we a a one yr old baby, she made him believe she was this damsel in distress, my h needed to be a hero for her, she threw herself at him, after making him believe I id not lov my h, she brought him down lower than at he already was, he became sick and she still wouldn’t let go.
              She chased after him when I wasn’t around, sh tol him she wanted o see er family os, an tol him she couldn’t afford it, so my h decided to do a nice hin for her and buy he a ticket. Sh knew while I was home and the were in a different country together she could make her move, she was desperate, she had told him that she had always loved him, made him believe she was true, and that I didn’t deserve him.
              You see. Know my h, she manipulated and manipulated, she used he children to help, she would feed stories to my h, that I was seeing her h behind his back, I dont know her h.
              She even had her mother come out from her country to stay with her to help her get him away from me,
              That almost worked. She changed her surname to ours, she deliberately put photos up of my h and her knowing my children would see them and b hurt, she thought I would leave him when I found out, she had people call me to tell me that she planned on marrying my h. She planned on having his child.
              All the while my h was struggling keeping our family afloat, keeping our family together, trying to get better and stronger. Her family, pushed her onto him overseas, they would use my h phone and call my number, so I could hear them in the back ground. Then mk out to him that I called.
              These people are supposed to by my h family, they are supposed to care fo my family, yet they deliberately set out to hurt us. She would even tell my h, that I had put a curse on him, that’s why he was the way he was.
              With the way his mind was he didn’t know right from wrong, while I wasn’t around it was easier to believe the things she said to him about me, until he came home and saw me. He was deteriorating in front of my eyes, I tried to help him, she was making him worse.
              So when I say she devil, she is. She didn’t care for my h, he was in a low point in life, she made it worse, she had her family help, he ended up stuck, and thinking how do I get out of this mess, he doesn’t know why any of this happened, most of it is a blurr, and also something he wishes to forget.
              So yes this woman wasn’t any woman, it was his relative, who should have known better, in my h right mind he never would have gone there. I know that, that’s why I blame her.

            • Strengthrequired

              Ohh and what I should add, is although I font blame him for it happening, I do blame him for not stopping it when he came home, after we had a separation for a few weeks when he came home from his holiday. He came home because he knew he wanted to be with me and our children.
              I needed him to b the man I married and stand up for his wife and his kids and drop her and forget her as being a relative, as she went past that and can never be trusted in my eyes. Yet because of the guilt, the addiction to their conversations, and as well as her being a relative he didn’t want to hurt her.
              As well as someone has said, I can’t blame my h, I love him, he was lost, but he is working hard to find himself again.
              Reading about others here, Doug and Linda, I see the processes that both the cs and the bs go though and it is all pretty much the same, so I feel normal or not blaming my h.

    • battleborn

      I understand completely what you are saying about our H feelings for the OW. Mine finally admitted that he is upset that he hurt her when they broke things off. HE HURT HER FEELINGS?????? WTF? Oh, as a side note he did say he felt bad about hurting me, too. Odd thing though, when I asked him why he felt that way he said that she didn’t deserve to get hurt. Again I ask, WTF?

      • Strength required

        Battle born, doesn’t that just make you made? How selfish can our h be? Poor thing she is hurting. Go find a man that doesn’t ave a wife and kids, you don’t deliberately set out o break a family. She should hurt because the hurt the ow causes us wives is far more greater, our h should know that.
        Especially if they really love us.
        Take care ok

    • Redemption

      Battleborn: You took the words right out of my mouth!

    • chiffchaff

      One of my enduring resentments is one I find hard to reconcile even at the best of times and frequently feels like it’s a rant rather than anything else is that my H has benefitted big time from his selfishness in having an affair.

      He had a stable home life with me.
      He had someone who was endlessly fascinated by the best bits of himself with the OW.
      He had two ‘exciting’ sex holidays with the OW without worrying about who was going to look after his real life while he was there (including me as a taxi to drive him to leave on those holidays and to collect him)
      He had a feeling that he could escape to her anytime he wanted
      He could be unpleasant to me safe in the knowledge that she’d be right there for him if I kicked back
      He was made to feel like a priapic god

      and what did I get? Abandoned, ignored, forgotten, belittled, lied to, taken advantage of, exposed to disease, resented, left at home, patronised and shouted at.

      I know it’s irrational because now I have a nicer H and a much closer marriage but why did it involve so much pain being inficted on me for so long to get here?

      Rant over.

      • exercisegrace

        This is one of my enduring resentments as well. While I took care of our four children, the house, the bills, the carpools, the errands, the laundry, the cooking. He pursued a whore. They ate out together. Traveled on business. Spent endless amounts of time texting, emailing, skyping, whatever telling each other how great they were. I did all the heavy lifting. He just ranted endlessly about what I was or was not doing for him, and no matter how hard I tried it was never enough. Yes, he is back and he is sorry and he can’t BELIEVE some of the crap he said to me during that time. But the pain is still there. I still very much resent his behavior. Soon I will have my second ob/gyn appt. where they want to retest me for God knows what. First time was all negative, but this is so so so so hard. My husband was my first and only. Now I have a “sexual history” that will need to be “monitored”. BLERGH.

      • Strength required

        Chiffchaff – exactly. They had the best of both worlds. Not ready to leave until their relationship with the ow was well grounded. Then they could be as nasty, devious and out right heartless as they knew she is there waiting to tell him how horrible we are and that they will look after him.
        What my h ow, doesn’t get, is I’ve had the best years of my h life. They showed each other only their good sides, wait until the other sides come forward. Will they like this infatuation then. Doubt it, yet she is only in it for what she can get out of him, whether she ruins his life in the process or not.
        I would love to see home wake up to himself.

        • livingonafence

          SR, I’m sorry but I guess I’m confused. Is your H still involved with OW? If so, why are you putting up with it? He’s going to do it as long as you allow it. Why shouldn’t he? Other than some fights with you, he has you AND a girlfriend.
          I know leaving a spouse is hard, but if mine was continuing a relationship with another woman, it would be the easiest thing I ever did.

      • Symac

        Chiffchaff and EG, you nailed it. Its is because of this that reconciliation is hopeless in my case. I have tole him “You don’t get to walk away unscathed.” I will do as much damage as I can before I walk out that door. And that ain’t a threat, it’s a promise.

    • tryinghard

      Have I been caught up in a web of negative thoughts and feelings about your marriage?
      Well I would say yes. I think when you believe one way only to find out that it is quite the opposite because you have been made a fool, yeah it leads to pretty negative feelings. I try to focus on the positive feelings about my marriage but I question them. Was it real or just a dream??

      Do I feel resentment toward my spouse?
      I don’t know if it is resentment. I’m pissed, mad, angry, but I’m not sure about resentment. Do I think he was off having fun while I wasn’t? Oh hell no. That was a shit show from the beginning and he and the OW starred in it not me!! What an idiot he was for being duped into giving her money, time, a job. If that was fun for him he really does need therapy.

      Is it hard for me to think of any good in my spouse or marriage?
      No it is not hard and that is why I am here. I know who the real person is. I know deep down he does have a moral compass. I know he does love me and his family. I know he got caught up in something that went way out of control and that it took on a life of its own. I’ve always been the strong one in the relationship. It took me knowing what was going on to get her out of his life. He was too weak and scared. Not making excuses just stating the facts about the stupid fool!

      My thoughts have had a tremendous impact on everything in my life. My marriage, my relationships with others, my self, what is important what is not. Not only has this trauma had an impact on one of my relationships, it has had a profound impact on my psyche. I didn’t think I could ever do what I have done and think the thoughts I have thought. This is the most life altering experience I have ever had!

      Hey Doug and Linda
      One subject I thought might be interesting is sex. Was the sex really that much better with the OW?OM. Do you think people would answer honestly. I know people will weigh in with what their CS say about what they want to know but is there anyone out there to say no it wasn’t any better than with my spouse or hell yes it was the most incredible sex I’d ever had. Just thinking….

      • exercisegrace

        I agree. It would interesting to toss sex out there as a topic.

      • Strength required

        I hear you when you say It had had a huge impact on every aspect of your life.
        I turned away from everyone, I just wanted to hide, just feeling foolish, humiliated, hurt beyond belief, questioning myself, questioning my marriage our past our present our future, yet while I was spiraling downwards, I was trying to show my h what we had, what we have, what he mean to me, trying to get him to not lose sight of us. Trying to remind him. Trying to keep him afloat as he too was spiraling downwards. I was trying tom protect him from everyone as well, as he was already feeling bad enough.
        When I saw that’s when I needed him to help me, but in all honesty, I think he believes h helped me because he was home, that’s why he would focus on her sorry ass. Yet how could h not see his wife had a broken heart, and it was slowly killing her.
        These women are only after what they can get from these men, they want him to spend on them, take them on holidays out to restaurants and buy them things, when the foolish men our h, should be doing these things for their wives, that’s who deserves their attention, the one raising their kids, who too need to feel wanted, attractive, appreciated and loved. We are the ones that deserve it.

      • Doug

        TH, That would be a very interesting subject to discuss though I suspect that we might have a hard time getting CSs to join in. I guess it would only take a few to answer in order to ignite a good discussion. Perhaps a more viable way to do it would be in the form of a survey, then we could report back with the results and discuss it from there. What do you think?

        • Tryinghard

          LOL. You are right. Forget I asked it! I don’t think I really want to know:). My imagination on this subject is bad enough.

          I will say I read a book written by the OW and she said the OW she interviewed said they really felt like they had to put on an act where sex was concerned because they know that is their hold on the married man. They never said no and they made sure he believed he was superman in the bedroom. I’ll give them credit they are no dummies.

          Maybe some OW will weigh in. I don’t believe too many men will be honest with regards to this subject. I’m just sayin…..

          • exercisegrace

            Tryinghard, what is the name of the book? It sounds interesting. When my husband first told me that the sex was not good, that it was mechanical and awkward, that he couldn’t finish most of the time, I was enraged! I didn’t believe him. Why on earth would you keep trying?? But after therapy sessions with both his individual counselor and particularly our couples counselor (who specializes in treating couples after infidelity) I do believe him. Our CC said that biggest misconception people have about affairs is that they are all about the sex. Nope. They are about emotional connection, and brokenness in the cheater. They start out (typically) as friendships that slide too far. The cheater likes the attention, admiration and ego boosting that the AP gives them. The second biggest misconception, according to her, is that affair sex is of the hot, monkey sex variety. And while it may be in some cases, it is not so in the majority. For cheaters that are basically good people in a bad situation, the guilt and remorse do a number on them. She also backed him up on his statement (and I confess I still HATE to hear it) that he “never stopped loving me”. Because she says that affairs are also never about love, although that word gets tossed around too cheaply. Once the affair starts, it really goes gain a life of its own and it is hard to break away from. Even if it is not fulfilling on multiple levels. Its the attention that usually holds them more than anything. I don’t like all that, but i don’t think it makes it any less true. That also confirmed what my husband had said initially, before we went to therapy and I was demanding a WHY. He just liked the way she made him feel about himself and he let it all go waaaaay too far.

            • livingonafence

              BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That means these whores, if the book is correct, think they’re giving these men the ride of their life, and the men just think “Oh, ok. Sex.”
              I’ve been on other sites where there are far more CSs, and they all say the same thing – the sex was no better than with the BS, and in most cases it was worse.

            • tryinghard

              You make me laugh! I love your candor and bluntness. I know sometimes, well actually I have, I want to laugh in his face from all his ridiculousness!!! I mean really he didn’t have enough problems that he had to willingly add to them??? I mean taking little blue pills to impress trailer park trash? He said he failed many times with her. I bet she was laughing at his patheticness too.

            • tryinghard

              Yes I have read and been told the same thing. I think in the beginning it is pretty torrid though. OK well my H wanted to impress the OW so much that he actually took the little blue pill!! How pathetic is that???

              The book is on Amazon I think it’s call The Other Woman: A Memoir. Also there are plenty of blogs by OW. They all talk about their great acting abilities. HAHAHA I love when our H’s are lied to as much as we were lied to. You reap what you sow!

              My counselor and books have said the same thing that you said and you said it very well. It’s just that the sex thing is always in the back of my mind when my H and I are intimate. I just wonder if he’s measuring my prowess with hers. ULK! Well I guess the flip side of that coin is if he hadn’t cheated he could just as easily wonder if someone out there was better than what he had. It’s a vicious cycle. I WANT OFF! I have GOT to get my mind in the right place. I’m working on it. He is trying SO hard and I have to focus on that but there is always that little voice saying”…he’s playing youuuuuu…” I guess the mind really does have a mind of its own 🙁

              Thanks EG you’re awesome! Wish we were neighbors!
              HA maybe we are:)

            • chiffchaff

              I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a fair amount of acting going on, on both sides, on the sex front for my H and the OW. I know that alot of my assumptions are only my assumptions based on my own low self-esteem in that I feel that the sex would have been better/more passionate/ more exciting for my H with the OW than it ever was with me because I assume that because someone acts like a little princess and is petite and pretty then she will automatically be better than me. I’m not assuming that anymore but I did see lots of texts between them where my H described her and how she looked during sex to her (I didn’t see her doing that back I might add ;-)).
              I suppose what us BSs know is what the CS is really like when the novelty wears off! Because no-one can maintain a torrid sex life with someone they live with and both hold down a job, have responsibilities, kids, domestic chores etc. and not be knackered every day! I remember what it was like in the early days of our marriage…

            • exercisegrace

              Tryinghard, he likely took the blue pill because he truly couldn’t get things done with her. It is much more common than people think. And yes, for me too it is very much in the back of my mind when we are intimate. Until this parasite came along, we were each other’s first and only. My husband knows for certain now that she wasn’t worth it. I too wonder if some small part of his decision to take the affair physical wasn’t tied to that bit of wondering what someone else would be like. However, we have discussed it so much, and I believe he is telling the truth. To put it bluntly, he has said over and over that while the basics of the sex act are purely mechanical, he never felt comfortable with her. He described it as clinical, feeling like he was undressing in a doctor’s office (especially the first time) and he always wanted it over with quickly. He says he never had the level of comfort and openness with her that he has with me. So they never moved beyond the very basics. His guilt gave him such performance issues that he says he doubts it was every an *ahem* good experience for her. He was still having sex with me, and there was only one time that he had a similar issue. So his own body was trying to tell him something.

              I too am having a very hard time getting my mind in the right place. I know I need to put this in the past, and not create present day difficulties. I don’t want to lose him because I pushed him away. That parasite took enough from me already, I don’t need to “give” her anything!!!!

      • Tryingtoowife

        Tryinghard – The way my husband explained sex with his S**T was that, off course it was exciting, evil is exciting, otherwise I would not have gone so low, but it never had the intimacy that he has with me, because he did not love her. All she had was novelty, and the way she made him feel (made sure he new how she REALLY wanted him and how great he was, on her texts and e-mails), made it exciting, she was very insistent, he felt desired! Yes a Huge Asshole! But I asked for the truth!
        Now, after such a long time past, I understand that she had to make it really special and go overboard, because she was trying to be perfect in his eyes, but we know that perfection does not exist, especially after Miss leech dressed up in babydoll realize that the family dates, were far more important than their rendezvous to have his ego stroked by the S**t and she started to drop the mask that covered her pathetic needy lonely woman life! So, yes. They have an agenda, and they fabricate to live by it! Why would they keep going back if the leech starts talking about real life problems? What else can they offer? The bubble would have been broken sooner. She was messed up leech dressed up in babydoll and husband super sexy superman! Wow! what a pair! Do you know what he says now? I am disgusted that I have ever been with such a low life form! Excuse-me!!! What does it take to see that???

        • Tryingtoowife

          I must also ad that he also says that, this excitement did not last long. He said that some times he found difficult to “keep it up” because of the guilt and shame he felt, and that leading a double life was terrible, the guilt started to out weight the need for a ego stroke and instead it became unbearable, and he stayed to find a way to keep the S**t quiet! But that was not achieved for very long!

    • exercisegrace

      Have I been caught up in a web of negative thoughts and feelings about my marriage?

      Yes. He took twenty five years of marriage and four children and threw them to the wind for a slut, who for the most part was after money both during and after the affair. It is hard to believe that you are a good wife, a good person, when you are constantly having your faults listed for you. When you are criticized and nitpicked. yes, I know it was just him trying to justify his own poor choices. But you can’t un-ring a bell. It cuts deep to know that he saw someone like her fitting into his life. She is everything I am not, and not in a good way. She hates kids, he has four! Really? And where did you see THAT going?

      Do I feel resentment toward my spouse?

      Yes, to a certain extent I do. He would tell you (and our therapists both concur) that the affair happened because of brokenness inside of HIM. That he didn’t have good coping skills for all the outside stresses that were piling up on us. And I get that. I do. Except. i was going through the same things. I was struggling too. I was sitting there next to him in our little boat, bailing frantically in rough seas. And then she sails up in the SS ClusterF**k, posing as a Carnival Cruise ship! And he jumped right aboard. Left me to keep the kids and I afloat. I think he figured out pretty quickly that the buffets were rancid and the toilets were over-flowing. Try as he might, he could never convince himself that this was indeed the Love Boat. I agree with what Tryinghard said above. It was a shit show from the get go. And he knew it. But he felt that he had thrown our marriage away, so he stubbornly didn’t get off at the first available port.

      Is it hard for me to think of any good in my spouse or marriage?

      Hmmmmm. I know who he is deep down inside. I haven’t spent thirty years with someone that is a total loser and a cheat. He made a horrible mistake and he deeply regrets it.
      Again, I will say Tryinghard said it well….it took on a life of its own. He involved her in his business, which involved her in contracts and our finances. It was not an easy situation to extricate himself from.

      The impact on me?

      It has wounded me deeply. It has left some huge emotional scars that I am trying to heal. HE has huge emotional scars that he is trying to heal, and that makes it all the harder for him to see my pain. It deepens his remorse and guilt and shame. Yet somehow we struggle forward. We fight, we cry, we pray, we laugh, and slowly we heal.

    • Strength required

      My h leased a unit for his ow. He paid for her holiday os, he gave her our furniture that was supposed to be for him, as he was leaving our home. He wined her and dined her, every chance he got.
      All while our finances were worsening.
      Yes she is a stupid cousin of his, that plays him for what she can get.
      She wanted to marry my h, she wanted to have a baby, yet he already has 6 he wasn’t interested in that, he was already depressed about life, so let’s bring her in with another 3 kids, wanting a baby to bind them together forever, gee that makes sense.
      He could have been raising 10kids or more. Talk about insanity, that’s why I know everything that my h has done, it wasn’t him, I know him, and that person isn’t him.

    • rachel

      I am a rare one on this site, I am going through a divorce. My next few lines probably have nothing to do with the topic but I just need to let this out.
      My father in law passed away last week. A wonderful man. He was the only one in that family that I missed. We connected. He to was verbally abused.
      My soon to be ex started texting me the day that his father passed. Saying, I’m sorry for everything.
      He was hurting and I was just replying with comments that he was a good son and he will get through this with his fathers strength.
      He invited me to the wake. I told him that i couldn’t go.He said we would like to see you, do it for my father. I miss you. (WTF)
      The next day he invited me to stand in the receiving line with him. (again, WTF) I felt that he was only doing this because many people that he works with do not know the situation. Cards and phone call have proven that.
      Then he proceeds to tell me that we should have separated????? His conditions for the separation was he would move out, see how he did, if it worked for him we would divorce. I DON’T THINK SO, BUDDY!!!! During this time he would not even go to therapy.
      I explained that he wanted the divorce and didn’t want me. He just continued on and on saying the same thing.Never sorry for what I have said. He only said sorry for all the hurt that I caused.
      I only went to the funeral, a very difficult day. I haven’t had another text from him since monday.

      • exercisegrace

        Rachel, I am so so so sorry for the loss of your father-in-law. I am even sorrier for the way your stbx used you for his selfish purposes. But in a way, if you don’t mind me putting a spin on it…..perhaps this helped solidify your decision? I know it doesn’t make it any EASIER. But perhaps it confirms that is is the RIGHT decision. I don’t say that lightly. I wish he was remorseful and willing to put the work in to save your marriage. But he doesn’t seem like that at all. I think in the long run you will be better without that mess. I apologize if this all sounds blunt. Wish I could give you a big hug. And a new handbag!!!

      • battleborn

        I am so sorry Rachel. They just put my f-i-l in hospice care at the hospital so I can understand your pain. Mine is the same as yours, I feel as though I am losing my right arm. He is a great person who overcame his alcoholism and turned his life around.

    • Strength required

      Rachel, does he want you back?
      Again I’m sorry about your fil passing. It was a good thing you did for your h to stand by his side at that time.
      Although he may not think so now, but believe me he will remember you were there for him.
      Have you called to see if he as ok? Maybe he isn’t coping so well. Maybe just let him know that you just wanted to make sure that he was ok and that your thinking of him.
      He will see that it is coming from a good heart.
      I truly hope your h sees how wrong his actions were and makes it up to you, so you can start to work things out before the divorce. I will be thinking of you.

    • Rachel

      He doesn’t want me back. He wanted me at the wake so he wouldn’t have to explain to his co-workers where I was.
      It was only for his selfish self.

      • Tryinghard

        Do t hate me for saying this but he is an Asshole. That is just cruel wat he did. He’s more concerned about what people will think of him than your feelings.

      • Strength required

        Rachel, I’m sorry to hear that. I do hope he akes unto himself before it’s too late.

        • tryinghard

          Well EG put it much nicer than I did. And yes I hope his actions make you feel better about your decision to divorce easier. You are a good person. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your sons. I commend you for going to you FIL funeral. That makes you the better person. You H is going to get his comeuppance. I hope God let’s you watch.

          Hugs and prayers for COURAGE from me to you.

    • Rachel

      I don’t hate any of you for your comment and names that you have given him. That’s why I post to see if I’m missing something or if I’m thinking the wrong way.
      It was funny we haven’t texted since December when he was promising our youngest a new car and then would back down. I asked him to stop because my son had been through so much and he was getting his hopes up.
      He missed me? He just saw me in court he didn’t act like he missed me.

      • livingonafence

        Not uncommon really. My H and I would have ended things within a month after DDay, but his grandfather passed away. A person’s death, particularly a parent I would imagine, makes people feel all sorts of emotions that they don’t feel every day. Whether that’s because they aren’t really there or the person simply doesn’t allow themselves to feel them I don’t know, but death does change things in the sort term.
        What it doesn’t change is who a person is long term. Rachel, your H is an ass. He was an ass before, and he still is. Sorry that he’s doing that to your son. How unfair.

    • Cindy

      I have a questions for you ladies. Cliff notes: my husband had an affair for approx a year with a family friend that we continued to see while affair was going on ( I didn’t know). When I finally found out, I confronted OW and she told me he was her soul mate and best friend and if they had met before my marriage they would have spent their lives together. My hubby and I are together and he is working very hard in our marriage and things are progressing. He doesn’t have any contact with her at all. My question to you is : is it possible that she is his soulmate and best friend.? Is he with me out of duty or children or security? I know he loves me but you know how they say everyone has a soulmate out there somewhere. Is it possible I am denying him his? This question is something that eats at me. He has has no contact with her for over a year and I still wonder

      • exercisegrace

        First, I have to tell you that I do a mental eye-roll when I hear an OW using the term “soul mate”. She is confusing the giddiness of infatuation, with love that is real and true. Affair love is based on a fantasy. Each person puts their best foot forward. Because they are not raising children together, running a household, paying bills, dealing with elderly parents, cleaning up each others’ messes, and hearing the other one fart and burp, the affair gets romanticized. They tell each other what they want to hear. They are always nicely groomed and dressed. They discuss what they WANT to discuss. In short, they live in a little bubble world, population two.

        Your husband made a mistake, and believe me I know how much that sucks. But he chose YOU. It sounds like he is putting in the hard work to fix the marriage and move forward with YOU. If she was all that, he would have been gone. Of course she wants you to believe that “if only he had me her first” *snort*. She is casting herself as the tragic heroine, kept away from her one true love by tragic circumstances. Sounds more appealing than admitting to herself that she is a home-wrecking slut that willingly chose to get involved with a married man who now wants nothing to do with her.

        Lastly, and I know this is hard. Do NOT compare yourself to her. Do not let the lies of a pathetic and desperate woman pull you away from healing your marriage. When she was confronted, she had to say something to make herself feel better. Trying to knock you down and put lies in your head was her last ditch attempt to destroy your marriage.

      • Bob

        This whole ‘soulmate’ thing is bullshit.

        My wife used to say over and over that she and I were soulmates. Yet, after 5 yrs of marriage and 11 yrs as a couple, she had a year-long affair with a co-worker. So much for that.

        The fact of the matter is, there are many, many people out in the world who would and could fall in love with us and make us happy. No one person is the key to life’s happiness.

        Marriage is a choice and that choice is powerful. You are telling your partner that, out of all the potential partners in the world, “I choose you.”

        Cindy, your husband is with you because he chooses to be with you. He must love you and your family enough to stick around and move past his mistake. That takes a lot of love. If you have doubts about that, and why wouldn’t you, then ask him. Then you can believe his answer or not. That part is up to you.

        This is definitely easier said than done.

        I have the same concerns as you. Does my wife really want to stay with me? Would she be happier with someone else?

        But those fears were always a possibility and they will continue to be a possibility going forward. I’m trying to let my wife’s words and behavior be my guide as to whether she is happy with her choice to stay with me. I think that is the best I can do.

        The worrying and the fears that my wife either wants to or should be with someone else, and that she would be happier with someone else, only cause me pain, so I’m trying to minimize them.

        You are not denying your husband an imaginary soulmate. Sounds like you are being a loving, kind, and forgiving partner. He’s lucky to have you.

        Good luck and thanks for sharing.

      • forcryin'outloud

        Cindy – Don’t buy that “soulmate” crap. That’s her affair fog talking along with a healthy dose of self aggrandizing. We don’t live in a Twilight movie!!!! These stupid freakin’ selfish OW are clueless as to how meaningless they are in the big picture.
        Cheaters are lost in their own mental battle of feeling defeated along with a desperate need to have their ego stroked. That goes for both parties…not any soulmate hogwash!

    • Cindy

      He actually told me that it was her last ditch effort to get me to leave. Even though he told me it was the biggest mistake of his life and he has a lot of guilt, etc. he still thinks of her as a good person, a go getter, a hard worker etc. I tried to tell him wht I learned on this site about the affair bubble an how she stroked his ego and made him feel like superman because they had no baggage or history. And I told him she put her best foot forward at all times, they had nothing but fun, nothing to argue about etc. he still thinks the facade she put on was real. It’s been over a year and that’s kea me crazy. He is normally pretty intelligent and he just doesn’t get it. They’re for drinks or whatever 🙁 an have had hair done, makeup, heels, perfect outfits etx. And then he comes home to me and I just got done washing floors in sweats. He doesn’t see it. Grrrrrrr

      • exercisegrace

        I don’t know your story, how the affair was discovered, who ended it etc. But I will say this: affairs, like most serious diseases, tend to run their course and in a very predictable way. Usually the CS has no intention of leaving the wife and family. At some point the OW slides from 24/7 no strings attached adoration, into wanting him to leave his wife for her. When this is resisted, she begins to show her true colors. This begins to work in the wife’s favor, as he starts to see his AP for who and what she really is. I think if this process gets disrupted by discovery or if she is an exceptional actress or she has done this before and learned from her first mistakes, or (unlikely) she is a decent person deep down……the CS does feel guilt. I know my husband did initially and it ENRAGED me when he would say this is “hard on all of us”, nobody wins in this situation. yeah. Well that lasted until she started threatening and harassing us. He got over it quick. Affair fog is thick and dense. Sometimes it takes a great deal of time and distance to come out of it. Go to counseling and insist he come with you. It will help him (and you) separate truth from fiction.

        • Linda

          exercisegrace, I was just thinking about how affairs run their course and how the excitement and intensity decreases over time. For one, trying to keep up the level of phone calls and texts would be exhausting and after awhile it would become boring. the affair couple would then have to up their game, meeting more, becoming physical etc. which again takes time and effort.

          I believe by keeping things the same (as in a marriage) the current situation would not be enough to maintain the level of excitement that each is used to. , especially for the OW. While men appear to be content having their cake and eating it to, women are not as up for that.

          Eventually they get tired of playing the perfect woman and want a committment from the OM. They begin making demands the OM doesn’t want to follow through on, and they begin showing their true self. That is usually when the affair begins to end, however as you mentioned if they are discovered while this is happening it usually breathes new life into the affair.

          The OM feels controlled when asked to make a decision and he doesn’t like feeling controlled, the OW tries even harder to win her prize and the BS comes out looking like a crazy person. There is a lot of drama and often affairs thrive on this kind of drama. Therefore the affair continues even though a short time again the OM was thinking about ending it. It is truly crazy but very predictable.

          • exercisegrace

            Linda, very well said. In the marriage we have heard each others’ best stories and funniest jokes a hundred times. In my case, after thirty years together, I was there when the funny stories happened. Nothing like fresh ears that hang on your every word, belly laugh at your outrageously funny jokes, and generally make you feel ten feet tall and bullet proof.

            I also agree that (in general) men are content to get their attention fix, their ego stroking and that is enough for them. Women go into it with more of an eye on the future. The betrayed spouse is the “common enemy” that the AP’s share. We are the bad guys, they are the ones that deserve pity, and they get it, in spades from the other woman. They are misunderstood, not appreciated, etc.

            Eventually they slip from girlfriend mode, into wanna-be wife mode. . When demands are made, of any kind it pops the affair bubble. He has a wife already, he doesn’t want a second one. My husband’s affair partner pretty much held all the cards for awhile. She knew what was going on, I did not. As my suspicions grew, and my husband and I started fighting over it so often, she was the calm one. She worked HARD to make herself look like the saner, better option. They wrote a script and unwittingly I spoke the lines assigned to me. I had a starring role in their drama. Who knew. Part of what made the affair roll on, was that my husband felt that once he had crossed the line, I would leave him if I found out. I had certainly voiced that opinion every time we heard a story of infidelity. His AP played on that fear as well, and talked him out of telling me several times.

            My husband ended the affair a year before I found out. I sometimes wonder if I ever would have, if she hadn’t turned into a bunny boiler. By that point he had gotten an up close and personal look at who she really was, and how vastly different that was then who she portrayed herself to be initially.

            • Linda

              Exercisegrace, I also spoke the lines assigned to me, I went from being a very logical, strong woman into a crazy person. My moods changed within minutes and I acted like a desperate woman with no backbone. I am pretty sure they had many chuckles about Doug’s crazy wife and how awful it must be to be married to me. I admit I did everything wrong and allowed her to come out looking like a queen. It really isn’t difficult to do when you’re on their side of the coin because our stupid husbands were feeding all the important information to the OW.

              They were doing the opposite of what we were. If our husbands complained that we were boring or negative they would make an extra effort to appear exciting and positive. If the OW complained that their husbands were bad fathers or had no sense of humor, our husbands became “father of the year” or great story tellers. It was just a game and it allowed the AP’s to believe they were perfect for each other, they believed that their AP’s were everything that their spouses weren’t.

              Doug had said something in a post about his thoughts on the OW, he said she was everything I wasn’t at the time. Of course she was, however was that the “real” her or was she pouring it on to continue the ego boast she was receiving from my husband. You have to wonder if AP question if the person they are with are being authentic or just playing a game.

              Just think how perfect we would be if our spouses were able to voice to us what they needed like they did to their AP. Woman loved being compared to other woman if they come out smelling like roses, it motivates us to do better. Just think of the rush they received when they when were told you do this so much better than my wife does, You are so much more fun, talkative, whatever. No wonder they were beaming with confidence and poured on the attention. It is all a bunch of crap and every time I think about it I still get angry.

            • exercisegrace

              Linda, yes that sums me up well. I really am trying now to reclaim who I am. I turned into this crazy, struggling psycho who was fighting for her marriage and her family. Oddly, this is what my husband says brought him out of the fog. It is what made him realize what all he stood to lose. Maybe that is the case for you too, and we can take some comfort in that.

              The OW definitely played the game with a cheat sheet. They knew EVERYTHING that was happening. What they were saying and doing, what our husbands were and weren’t doing, and we were saying and doing. SUCH an unfair advantage!!

              It constantly frustrates me, makes sad and makes me crazy that he couldn’t say to me what he shared with her. IF ONLY. It’s a game a try not to let myself indulge in too much anymore. THAT IS ON HIM. If he had come to me before he cheated, if we had gotten counseling, if he had dealt with his depression and the loss of his father and the threat of losing his business, we could have righted the ship. Instead it nearly sank with all hands on board!

    • Cindy

      Exercisgrace, thanks for the response. Many of my friends have told me he chose me He could have left etc. and I feel great about that. But I wonder if he is happy? I know I can’t make him happy , he needs to choose to be happy but its a constant struggle now that my self esteem is shattered

      • exercisegrace

        Is he happy? At this point there probably is not a straight forward answer to that. And it has more to do with him and the consequences of the decisions he has made. My husband hates himself for the choices he made. That he became someone he has no respect for. That he violated every moral and religious belief he has ever had. He hates what he has done to me, to our marriage, and to our children. While my pain as a betrayed spouse is more “obvious”, I can’t deny the fact that he is suffering too. His shame, remorse and regret are things that I would not want to live with. I know that is very hard for him. But he is grateful for the second chance I have given him. He looks forward to the future, as we continue to do the work to heal this mess. We are rebuilding our happiness day by day.

        • forcryin'outloud

          EG, you bring up some good points about the feelings of the CS. My H has said numerous times how guilty, shameful and stupid he feels. All his words. The irony for me is he talks about how disappointed he was in his life at the time of the EA, but now he has to live with all this negativity of self. It baffles me that he thought this affair bulls*&t was the answer to his lousy feelings. The fallout has been ten times worse than how crappy he felt about the state of the marriage during affair. I’ve questioned him about that and he said he never thought of the fallout. He said he thought he could do it all and I would never know. I’ve also asked why he wants to stay now if it was “so bad” then and this is much worse. He said he was only thinking of himself and now he sees the collateral damage. I still question in my mind why he wants a second chance because at the time of the betrayal all of our problems could have been dealt with if he had communicated his feelings. Now I feel as if we are climbing Mt. Everest without oxygen. It’s possible but very difficult.

          • exercisegrace

            E~X~A~C~T~L~Y. I have said much the same to my husband. I go bananas when he tells me he never stopped loving me, he never wanted to hurt me, it was something broken in him. Why he didn’t just TELL ME how he was feeling. I would have gladly gone to counseling, or done anything to improve things. Where did he see this going? how did he think this was going to end? Honestly some days it ENRAGES me that he took his hurt and his pain and then made selfish choices with it that have caused even MORE hurt and pain in not just him but now me, our marriage and our children!!!

    • AnnaB

      Cindy, the word soulmate is grossly overused, so there is no need to worry about that because it’s just her opinion. You’d think that grown adults would stop acting like love-struck teenagers, but there are some weak characters that get drawn in by these evil B’s! At first they probably feel like ‘soulmates’ because they have something huge in common – a dirty secret. When your H’s OW was confronted by you she had to save face, so she said the most hurtful thing she could think of, and her words have hurt you deeply – do not let those words detroy you, because she was lashing out verbally and it would be awful if you gave her that power. I think the wife generally has the upper hand because of the shared history and children, and the OW probably feels much more vulnerable than we realise – GOOD!!! I understand about the ‘affair fog’ but I think it’s important to let your H know that you’re sticking around for now, but you’re prepared to leave if necessary. It may make a difference if they imagine you with someone else.

    • Strength required

      I will give you all something to laugh at.
      My h ow, would tell him, I don’t love you, what I feel for you is more deeper than love.
      Wha the crap is that, what’s more deeper tha love? It’s funny though she would end up telling him she loved him, what was he down graded to only love, none of this higher than love crap she was feeding him.
      Honestly, how can anyone fall for shit like that and not think to themselves wtf…..

      Ohh you like this, she wanted to marry my h, but do you think she would pay for the divorce to her h. She wants him to pay for it. Lol. Or maybe she wants my h to pay for it. Cheap ass.
      So I would tell my h, how can you velieve she loves you, when she wouldn’t even pay for a divorce that would only cost $300. Makes me lol just thinking of it.

      Is there some sort of handbook out there that guides these other women on how to trap a mm? They all seem to be following the same rules, doing the same devious actions, to win the prize our h.

    • Cindy

      I just literally laughed out loud about your handbook comment. All the bullshit tht the Ow tells and the way our cheating husbands act and respond are exactly alike. This site is a comfort to me in that I know I’m not crazy and making this crap up. They all say the same thing

    • Strength required

      They do, all the ow seem to do and say the same things for their own selfish reasons, and motives. Our h, all fall for it, hook line and sinker. Crazy…..
      Yet who suffers, the wives and children ohh and our finances.

    • CookieMomster

      Do I hold onto resentment? Initially my anger toward my H was my PROTECTION. Hi folks, I haven’t posted on the site for about six months now. Today is my D-Day first anniversary. My anger toward my husband has faded and unfortunately the protection it afforded me against the feelings of tremendous loss and pain left with it. And to be honest, the only reason my anger toward H has faded is because I have focused it pretty much completely on the OW (not that the horrid person doesn’t deserve it), so that we can concentrate on restoring our marriage. And today being what day it is, that’s all I’m in the mood to say.

      • AnnaB

        Blaming the OW seems to be the norm, it certainly is for me. I can’t see how we can do anything else, otherwise we may as well get divorced, because we can’t continue to feel anger towards him if we want peace. However, all this pent up rage must be harmful to us in the long run. But I can’t and won’t let go of it. Maybe I need therapy, I will probably look into it. It’s been almost 18 months since DDay and I’ve just realised that I’ve stopped taking the whole thing personally. I was a good wife and mother. We may have been in a slight rut, but that’s no excuse for doing what he did. The problem/weakness was all his and sometimes I wonder why I bothered forgiving him – oh yes, for our children. Someone on TV pointed out recently that when a man has been playing two women they tend to see him as a prize, when actually he may not be worth it!

      • SamIam

        ” My anger toward my husband has faded and unfortunately the protection it afforded me against the feelings of tremendous loss and pain left with it” YES!!! that is it Cookie Monster!
        All I could say is “all the adrenaline is gone” and I felt more pain in the past 6 months than I did in the first 18 months since D-Day! Of course I had been in re-building mode…gotta git’r done! I see my H is back home securely with me and now I feel just horrid! Still feeling like 2nd choice. In an instant the entire “movie” of discovery plays in my mind. How dare he think he could parade another woman in front of me and still think I would “always be there” ? He says he took me for granted~~ you think??? So now I need to get over that. Why was it so easy to day good ol’ Sam will always be there”? Well. I won’t. I am now longer good ol’ Sam

    • Cindy

      I know exactly what u mean. When I found out about the affair my ego was so focused on getting him back that I don’t think I ever reply grieved over what happened. It’s been about a year from dday and it seems like its finally sinking in. And now when I get upset or something triggers my memories, the hubby tells me “it’s been over a year” get over it. But it’s like I “won” him back and now I am actually grieving over the actual affair.

      • Blue

        That’s what happened to me. I was in hyper win-back mode. Something I read on another blog was that we can’t just ‘get over it’ something I’ve actually had a counsellor tell me, but we have to process it. During the time of WTF is happening?! it’s just too much to process all at once. Now we’re processing it and I think it is the second round of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I dunno, I just want to feel truly happy again, and more importantly truly trust my H and feel truly safe. I just don’t know how to get there….yet.

    • Tryinghard

      I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. I just had to tell someone and who better to understand than all of you. I just looked on the OW Pinterest page and she has all these boards about how to write a book. Oh please let it be a tell all. He will be so embarrassed and it would serve him right. That will teach him not to put his dick where it doesn’t belong. I’m thinking of calling her and offering to collaborate!

    • Strengthrequired

      Tryinghard, omg, I bet your h would be embarrassed. See The ow’s true colours eventually show. Come on my h’s ow, show your true disgusting self and have my h back away from you forever….. Fx….

      • Tryinghard

        Yes he would be. As if he’s not embarrassed enough. Quite frankly I don’t believe she is literate enough to write anything. I wish you peace as well SR

    • Strengthrequired

      Funny you say that, my h would tell me that everything his ow wrote unless it was in their language and not in English that she would have someone else write it. He would say at times she isn’t that smart. So why may I ask, I would think to myself, would you think she is worth while having around?
      Yet I would also think although she isn’t that smart, she is smart enough to fool him into believing she was something special.
      Smart enough to rip him off for what ever she can get. Smart enough to make him feel like she couldn’t look after herself or her children on her own.

      Ohhh well.

      Take care th.

      • Tryinghard

        Oh yes they are very talented in all those aspects of life. Very talented in deceit fullness . They are mostly to blame for not having a moral compass, and allowing themselves to be used to stroke his ego. I agree they are very smart in many aspects of surviving this life. Because of their lack of life skills the have to prey on others crumbs just like cockroaches.

    • Strengthrequired

      Your right, I often feel sick at how easy my h was manipulated and think he is still being manipulated.
      I asked him today, “you know baby, how you have had people in business rip you off, friends rip you off and you haven’t liked it, why is it you believe she hasn’t ripped you off, and your ok with it?
      He said to me, ” I never said she didn’t”. He said I blame myself for trusting people.
      I then said to him, that even if you not think she rode you for all your worth, I believe she ripped me off so much, because she took away the most important person in my life, you”. You are more important to me more than anything monetary in value”
      It’s funny though, something he said to me and I’m trying to understand it, one day “when I asked why he kept in contact with her, his response was” have you heard of keep your friends close but your enemies closer”. I believe at times he is staying there or now due to his name being on the lease, for the home she is living in, and he knows if he gets her angry, she won’t pay and he will be left with a huge bill. You see she won’t even transfer the lease into her name. It’s gets me angry every time I think about it. I often think of how stupid he has been because he was ” in love with a manipulative gold digger” and thought he was being a good person helping her out because apparently she made him feel so sorry for her she seemed helpless. My h the hero…..
      Look where that got him.
      So sometimes I think that he I’d waiting for this lease to end , so then he can walk away from her, without fear of losing anything else. Well at least that’s what I would like to keep telling myself.

    • forcryin'outloud

      This weekend our family was at a sporting event. Screaming fans, excitement, good times. Like a missile coming out of the sky the affair entered my head for NO reason. The anger, resentment, frustration, fear, and humiliation came over me like a flood. Thank God it only lasted a few minutes and I was in a distracting environment. I’m still not sure why or what triggered the thoughts and feelings. I do know since the incident I have been overcome with the feeling to withdraw. I wonder if this ordeal will ever be put in its place.

      • tryinghard

        Yes those triggers come out of the blue. Do you think it is because we think it could have always been like this? Or wait I’m not thinking of shit so maybe shit is going to happen again! Or Hey I’m letting my guard down, he’s going to hurt me again? It is all these things for me. Withdrawing is not a bad place for me and I do it all the time. Actually when I internalize and find my own answers is when I can manage the trigger. My H knows when I withdraw, I am very quiet and stare off. It’s almost like meditation. I am putting things in order in my brain. I like feedback from him but sometimes he will say something wrong and then what I have ordered in my brain becomes disordered again.

        I think the triggers are us protecting ourselves. The last discussion I had with my H when we talked about whether or not the anger would ever go away I explained that he should worry if I weren’t angry. If I weren’t angry it would mean I didn’t care. He agreed with that and looked at my anger a little differently. Not something to be avoided. Communication is great but sometimes I need to put things in order by myself just to deal with it. After all no one really loves me like I do!

        I don’t know if this makes sense, but don’t feel alone with the thoughts you just posted. You are not crazy!!! If you are there a millions of us. Have faith, WE WILL GET THERE!

        • forcryin'outloud

          TH, Thanks for the encouraging words. I agree that internalizing and “getting it straight in our heads” is sometimes the only way to manage the intense feelings. A few days out and I can see that I was taking in the interactions of the other families we were with. One couple is in there early 30s and just have an easy flow to them and they are happy. Gotta say I get a little envious and angry because I think of “back when”. Then there is a couple that are in the middle of a divorce (but trying to keep the peace for the kids) and their vibe is discontent and bitterness. About 6 mos. ago before the divorce this estranged wife and the young happy wife began talking about fellow co-workers that were having an affair. The estranged wife was fiercely defending the affair. Now, I think, every time I see her she represents the OW. I don’t know if she had an affair or what the deal was and at this point I don’t want to know. I do know while I listened to her defend the affair a five alarm fire went off in my ears.
          I think the dynamics of certain situations can so easily turn the tide back to those post d-day feelings. That just pisses me off!!!! I want to move forward, I want happiness and stability again, but it feels like this freaking betrayal in going to have opportunities to slam into my heart and head for the rest of my life. Like you said maybe that is self preservation.

          • tryinghard

            I know exactly what you mean. When we are out I even catch myself looking at other couples. The young ones I think “ULK you don’t even know what you are in for” Those older I look at them and wonder if he or she is a cheat. I wonder how they are handling it. If they look like they are having a good time without a care in the world, I think “back then” too.

            We used to go out with other couples but since the affair it’s mostly my H and I by ourselves. I think our friends don’t know what to do with us. Well there is one couple that we occasionally go out with. It’s fine with me. My H was always the one who had to have someone to go out with or he didn’t want to go out. Now he says he likes it just the two of us.

            Part of the fallout from all this is I am very nervous around too many people talking. Not so much crowds in restaurants or the other tables, but if we go with lots of people. I’m very anxious about it. If I have to, I put on a good face and try to keep the conversation light, but I am relieved as hell when I am finally away from them. I think the reason I am so anxious is I too never know when I am going to be “triggered”. Also if conversation goes the wrong way I’m afraid of speaking and offending someone. Last week we were with some people out of town and the people we were with kept making racial remarks. I hated it and tried to change the subject but I was ready to go off on them. At the restaurant a friend of theirs made a political comment. I couldn’t take it any longer, excused myself from the table and went to the ladies room. I just can’t suffer any more fools. The one I live with is enough for me!!! I too have decided this is just how it’s going to be and I am accepting it. I’ve changed and I don’t know if its for the better or worse.

            • forcryin'outloud

              ” I can’t suffer anymore fools.” TOUCHÉ!!!! I feel the same way. Since we moved to this new tiny tiny town a little over a yr ago I have kept to myself. I just don’t have the energy to make new friends. Anything we do with others is work related or child related and like you I am watching the clock for “quitting time.”

    • Strengthrequired

      I seem to have some triggers when I call my h and he doesn’t reply or answer for ages. I then start thinking what are you wit her? Or are you on the phone with her, are you having lunch with her, is that why your not answering? Then I think, it’s alright for you to call her a million times a day, but to answer or call or even message your wife you can’t.
      It just frustrates me to no end. I get annoyed at myself because I know I’m being over dramatic, that he is working and is busy, but it just affects me, gets me nervus. I wonder why is it my h, won’t be transparent. Why can’t he help me heal and be transparent. Maybe he isn’t ready yet or he will never be ready.

      • tryinghard

        I go crazy when I call and he doesn’t answer. When I looked at the call logs on his cell phone after DDay I saw that he would call me first, I guess to get the conversation with me out of the way, and then call her. Oh yeah right they are busy!!! HAHAHA but they weren’t too busy to have an affair! I don’t let him use that for an excuse.

        • Strengthrequired

          Trying hard, it’s a crappy excuse, especially when he is eating lunch. Ohh don’t want to Get my phone dirty.
          You know how hard it is to be patient, it is actually driving me insane. They say patience is a virtue, but what a virtue to have, if you end up insane.
          I often wonder, how much patience is enough, it’s gone from one day to one week, to one month, to 3mths, to 6mths, to 12mths, to now going on 15mths. It’s getting there, but so slow. This is not how I wanted to my 2nd old, live her first few years of life, as if the pnd wasn’t enough, but then the ea, and mummy more focused on keeping her family together. It kills me just thinking of how bad I feel for my gorgeous little girl. That god forsaken ow, doing this to my family, who gave her the right to hurt my children, and babies at that?
          Any woman that can justify having an affair when children are involved have no morals, no dignity. A woman is supposed to have that nurturing instinct, that want of protecting children from hurt, this ow calls herself family. Who wants family like that if they don’t care for your kids? Btw, this ow of my h, works in a childcare. Wouldn’t want this sort of woman, looking after my kids.

    • Strengthrequired

      Fcol, trying hard, so nice to know I’m not the only one that looks at happy couples and feel envious. I feel my good life of having a “normal marriage” where people wish they had our marriage is gone and done with. Just last night looking at my phonenthat has a pic if my h holding our oldest daughter on it as a screensvaer. Well I look at that pic or any other pic prior to the affair and just cry, I think all I want is my h back, now I’m living with a stranger, and now I have to learn to live with this new version of my h, and it’s hard. Although I love him, the trust is practically non existent and my older version, trust was there completely.
      So I’m guessing time will conquer all, but still I have to wonder is this what the rest of my life looks like.
      My h, doesn’t understand why he should give passwords to emails , phone, or anything as he doesn’t like it, its his.
      That makes me made, because he says that all is over with with the ow, he says he is being honest this time, after he said to me that he stands by his word, which I looked a him and laughed, he then turned and said , Weill this time I stand by my word.
      I guess we will see.
      Trying hard, I too don’t want to hang around foolish people, no patience for it. That’s why I’m on my own all the time. I have had enough people laugh at me at my expense, some probably eve thinking how crazy I am staying with my h. A lot of our friends as well have stopped visiting, I guess not knowing as well how to act around us. Which tbh, I want this alone time with my h, I think we really need it.
      I often ask my h, how he would feel if it were me tha did this to him. He says he wouldn’t have left, but I know he wouldn’t have stayed. I said would you like me to have a secret life, he laughed. I said no seriously, if I had this secret life how oils you feel, he said “you can have a secret life if you want, what can I do about it?”. Then I said no seriously would you like it. He goes on saying ” I would worry about you”. I said so how can you expect me not to worry about you, he said but your not strong like I am. I laughed tha time because, as I told him, you flirt wit women, you ended up in an affair, how are you strong? Well he said you bringing the past into it, it’s different now.
      He the just kept talking about how men will take advantage of woman, put things in their drink, etc, he said and you think I’m not going to worry about you having a secret life. Of course I would not like it.
      Ohh well, I guess wha is good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander.

    • Strengthrequired

      I have another resentment towards my h.
      I resent the fact that he gave her the fun better side of himself, and I lived with the shitty side.
      I resent that he gave her his time, where I have had to fight for his time, fight for him to spend time with our family, yet now because all we worked for went to shit, our children and myself still ditnt get to see home because he has to rebuild what we lost.
      I resent him about nit taking me away for just a few days to help us recover from his ea, after he moved back home, his words we can’t afford it. Why he was too busy paying for her rent……
      I resent that I was so traumatized that i was hitting myself in the head to try and get some peace, and he was more worried about how she was due to him moving back home.
      I resent him for bringing this other person out of me.
      I resent him fir all the lies, that caused me to lose trust.

    • Believe

      Hi I found out in Jan 2015 that my wife has had a 3 year affair with a married man (affair partner – AP). She ended it immediately. It started in 2011 while she was a student. She says that nothing happened in 2012 while she worked as a student as part of her studies. In 2013 she continued the affair when she was a student again and it continued into 2014. We decided to stay together. We also have 2 kids. We have been married since 2002 and know each other since 1996. We are still going to therapy.

      It’s really difficult as I know the places in our home where they were intimate. I wish I hadn’t asked her where it happened. She says they did not have sex with the kids around but only fooling around. I asked if she loved him very much and she said yes. I guess she had so many strong feelings for him that she felt she thought it was true love. She realized it was not real love. My main struggle at the moment is the thoughts, images & feelings. She is deeply ashamed and guilty. We are working on our ourselves. I found that when I’m meeting her needs then she is in love with me. When I don’t meet her needs she pulls away. She sometimes finds it hard to empathise with me as she feels so much guilt. She is angry with herself for what she’s done. She admitted she was weak. She is sad because of the loss of the specialness. She is sad because of this black mark against her.

      I realized that our relationship was not a good one. The way I’ve been to her have made her vulnerable to an affair. She felt unappreciated, unloved, misunderstood, etc. I was not aware how she felt. She only disclosed her feeling to me after the affair. I also controlled her. I’ve been emotionally & physically abusive to her. I’ve been to therapist prior to affair but nothing seem to change. However, this affair has caused me to change to better myself. I’ve also recently made peace with my parents as I was emotionally and physically abused by them.

      This affair has really caused emotions I did not know existing. 2015 was a really tough year for me. I discovered the affair, my brother died and I received a final warning from my boss as I was not performing at work. It’s fair to say the affair somehow affected my work performance. At the end of 2015, I was told I will be retrenched.

      So my immediate plan is to deal with the thoughts, triggers, images and feelings. I have yet to reach forgiveness as I still bring up what she has done. It is hard work as many of you may know.

      I believe anything is possible. I trust in God.

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