There are often signs of cheating that an unfaithful spouse will leave behind.
By Sarah P.
If you suspect that your spouse is unfaithful, there are a few signs of cheating you can look for to try to get them to confess.
First, pay attention to any changes in their behavior. If they are suddenly working late more often or taking more trips, it could be a sign that something is going on. You can also look for changes in their appearance, such as new clothes or sudden weight loss.
If you notice any of these changes, you can ask your spouse about them directly. Be careful not to accuse; simply state that you have noticed the change and then ask if everything is okay.
In some cases, your spouse may confess to infidelity just to end the conversation. However, even if they don’t confess outright, you may be able to glean some information from their response.
Your spouse’s body language and defensiveness on your spouse’s part, will inform your gut instinct.
Signs of Cheating that Give the Cheater Away
Infidelity is a major issue in so many marriages, and it can be hard to get a straight answer. Journaling what your gut instinct tells you is very helpful. Be sure to log a day and time, each time you enter new material into your journal. Pretty soon, you will have built a vault of information that will give you tremendous insight.
Still, there are often clues that an unfaithful spouse will leave behind.
In addition to weight loss and dressing differently than usual, they may also start wearing a new perfume or cologne, and they might open a new credit card in their name and/or bank account in their name.
You might also witness extremely agitated behavior and anger – in your spouse – that has no reasonable cause. Their anger may become very out of proportion to daily life. If this anger becomes a pattern, you need to get to the bottom of it.
Another affair clue is if your partner starts acting more secretive. They may start hiding their phone from you, or delete their text history.
Also, if you share a family phone plan and your spouse removes you as an authorized user from the account, you will not be able to access the phone numbers your spouse calls and texts.
Don’t Be Caught Off Guard – How to Recognize An Emotional Affair: Suspicions, Signs, and Symptoms
This is an ENORMOUS red flag, for why should someone engage in such behavior when there is nothing to hide?
How do private detectives fit in here? If you suspect that your spouse is being unfaithful, you may want to consider hiring a private investigator.
A professional detective can help to collect evidence and build a case against an unfaithful partner. A good private detective can access things you cannot and they can also take photos and track your spouse.
But, a good private investigator can be costly. Also, once they find evidence, in the form of texts and photographs, there is no turning back. You must emotionally prepare for this possibility because once seen, you cannot un-see any of these images.
If you are not ready to hire an investigator, you can gather evidence on your own time and in a way that doesn’t trigger fear.
One way to do this is exploring all the changes you notice and coming up with a list of logical explanations that could explain these changes.
Note: this is different than denial. It’s good to explore all explanations for a behavior that include infidelity, but also include other reasons, such as your spouse experiencing bottled up stress or a devastating blow such as job loss.
Still, it is important to mentally plan for an affair scenario. To gather strength, it is important to know in advance that you CANNOT cause your spouse to be unfaithful.
You must also know that your worth as a human being is NOT determined by your spouse’s behavior.
People who have affairs, do it because of something inside of themselves, which they have not fully addressed or healed from.
Infidelity can be a difficult thing to overcome in a marriage, but it is not impossible.
If you’ve been betrayed and don’t know how to talk to your cheating spouse, we can help.
We offer one-on-one mentoring, premium programs, and many written and recorded resources.
Please reach out to us because it would be our honor, to lift you up along your journey.
7 replies to "Signs of Cheating – What is Your Spouse Up To?"
Hi, Sarah….I don’t know how legal or illegal it is for my suggestion; but what confirmed to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that my h was cheating on me was the fact that I placed recording devices (they look like USB flash drives) that you can place inside their vehicle in a spot they wouldn’t normally look at like under the passenger seat and they are sound activated. They go to “sleep” if there’s no noise, and “wake up” when there is. I kept two: one inside his car and the second I reviewed in my laptop, and then exchanged them to listen to the first one and so on and so forth. My disclaimer is: if you are not PREPARED to hear VERY GRAPHIC CONVERSATION, then this tactic is not for you. If you are READY to confront your spouse come hell or high water, then do what you have to do. I don’t know that these recordings are admissible in court for divorce proceedings, especially if your h is not aware that he is being recorded, but for your own knowledge and decision making for the future, you need to KNOW what is what. I did, and what I heard destroyed my soul, but made me stronger in the end and now, very little can hurt me. Only YOU can decide what you’re ready to face and what you’re not.
Kittypone – I did the same thing as you, which is how I confirmed my wife was having an affair. Agree with everything you say, especially that this is not for the faint of heart. You will hear things you can’t unhear. These recording devices are not admissible in court and I believe there is potential liability to record anyone without their consent. That being said, I wasn’t looking for anything to use as evidence. I was just trying to confirm my own suspicion.
It is incredibly tough to decide how far to take things to determine if your spouse is cheating. In my case, there was plenty of circumstantial evidence to indicate what was going on, but I wasn’t willing to confront my wife and put our 25 year marriage on the line with just circumstantial evidence. Ultimately I pushed to get more concrete evidence, but then I had to deal with the reality of what I found.
My wife and I have been able to restore our marriage and get past the affair. Two things to consider as it relates to hard evidence of an affair. First, having hard evidence can be effective in getting your spouse to give up the lying and excuses and face the cold hard facts. That was certainly the case in our marriage. In the face of audio recordings, my wife had no where to hide. She had to take responsibility. Second, once you get hard evidence of the affair stop listening or looking for more. The evidence is tough to face. Continuing to dig for more will only make recovery more challenging.
Hi Dan,
It appears you did the right thing because you don’t want to put a 25 year marriage on the line unless you have irrefutable evidence.
I absolutely agree that after you find the evidence it can be hard to hear more. Truly the most important things to know are:
1) Did your spouse have any form of sex (including oral).
2) If they did, was there a condom?
3) Even if they say there was a condom, STD tests are necessary since condoms don’t protect against the human papilloma virus and condoms don’t prevent the HPV strains that cause cervical cancer, penile cancer, and throat cancer.
4) Length of the affair and what promises were made.
5) Whether or not financial assets were diverted.
And yes, recording devices do force a cheating spouse to be accountable to their actions. They must face what they have done.
I don’t know why people have affairs because the enormous fallout caused by an affair isn’t worth it.
How are you doing these days, Dan?
Sarah – Everyone’s situation is different. That’s a fact everyone on this site needs to understand, because at the end of the day you need to trust your own gut in how best to deal with infidelity. When I finally had concrete proof my wife was having an affair I stopped looking. In fact, when I confronted her and she finally admitted it, I gave her her phone and laptop and told her she had 1 hour to get rid of any pictures or emails. It was a kneejerk reaction that set the tone for how I chose to deal with the affair. My wife needed to be open and honest about the affair. However, she needed to know I wasn’t going to rub her nose it. Allowing her the opportunity to get rid of the evidence sent a clear message that I was focused on “us” not “them”.
In a marriage rocked by infidelity, the betrayed spouse always has the moral high ground. How you use the moral high ground plays a big factor in whether the marriage can be restored. There is tremendous hurt and pain when you face evidence of an affair. It creates a wound that takes a long time to heal. At the same time, restoring your marriage takes patience, it takes grace, and it takes humility. It’s hard to show patience, grace and humility to someone who wounded you so deeply. That’s why I didn’t fixate on the evidence or concern myself with the intimate details of the affair. If I had, I probably would have been too focused on holding her accountable for the pain she caused, and less focused on addressing the underlying issues in our marriage. I’m not saying the unfaithful spouse doesn’t need to be held accountable. I’m just saying it needs to be measured and balanced.
Things are much better between us. I’m so glad we both stuck it out and put in the work to get past the affair. To those going through this all I can say is read what you can about affairs and affair recovery, but then trust your gut when dealing with your specific situation.
Hi Kittypone,
So nice to see you here and thanks for giving us such detailed advice. Cheaters use technology to cheat and suspecting spouses can use technology to find the truth.
I am aware that in some states it’s illegal to record a person without their consent. However, if a spouse were to challenge you on recording them and get the police involved, you would let the police know it was for your ears only so you could save your family. I highly doubt anyone would get arrested for using a device simply to find the truth.
One of the reasons people hire detectives is because a detective is allowed to gather evidence.
You make a really good point about preparing yourself for what you will hear because if they are having an affair, it will be graphic.
Hope all is well 🙏
Most cheaters, not all, are narcissistic. If they monkey branched (Google it) that’s a whole new deeper issue, don’t go back because they will cheat again. Narcissism is demonic possession plain and simple that’s why they can walk away with no empathy. Narc con on YouTube does a great job explaining this!
The phone is a huge tell. It used to be out on the counter now it’s always in her pocket. Password changed. Changes in behavior are big too. Dinners with the girls that used to end at 11 with leftovers now end at one with no food. Do not live with this for months. Once you suspect something, get the voice recorder in the car. Also, GPS the car. You can do it for a lot less than a PI and you’ll know in a week or two if your marriage has ended or not. Here’s the trick, you don’t have to fess up to how you know they were at the hotel or in the parking lot. Lie, they are lying to you. Once you’ve busted them you don’t have to lay out your evidence like you are in a court room. I should have done it months before i did and saved myself a lot of grief.