“I wanted to come clean with you about why I cheat on my wife and perhaps give you some context.”

why I cheat on my wife

By Dark Horse

When I asked Doug if I could write for their blog, I did so with apprehension. After having read firsthand, how much cheating has destroyed lives, I must admit I did think twice.

As a serial cheater and the owner of the blog Cheater’s Handbook, I realise that publishing here may not be my target audience. That said, I wanted to come clean with you about why I cheat on my wife and perhaps give you some context.

I got married just over 10 years ago and have 3 wonderful children. My wife is a tough cookie, she’s pretty, smart and professional, but after the kids were born, what little attention I got beforehand completely went on them. I dropped so far and fast down the pecking order in my own home that I felt that I was wanting and craving the attention elsewhere.

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The first time I cheated was at a cocktail making party with someone I had just met and had gotten to know. Once I became aware of the fact that I had it in me to still flirt and charm, I was off to the races. I’d flirt with women every opportunity I’d get. I even ended up signing on to these dating affairs websites. 

It was never about the sex for me. I wanted to feel wanted again and I craved attention. Having an attractive woman pining over me filled me with dopamine more than anything I’ve ever experienced. To get those butterflies in your stomach, to get that rush, there are simply no words to describe the euphoria. If it led to sex great, however if not, I was satisfied with kisses and regular contact. I was happy with having someone to talk to, share my problems with and being heard. It was a far cry from my reality at home.

See also  The Relationship Between Infidelity and Addiction

And before long it became a habit. At one stage it had gotten to the point where I had 3 different women on the roster.

I avoided suspicion by being careful all the time. I never broke routine and went away for work, I never stayed the night at someone’s. I was never reckless with my phone. Contrarily my affairs would occur during the day, in sometimes the most remote of places and I quickly got myself a burner phone. I even carry a spare set of clothes in my car. That way I’d never come home smelling of perfume.

I became good at having affairs but even better at covering it up. And whilst dating some beautiful women along this journey, it’s hardly something I could shout about from the rooftops. I couldn’t tell work colleagues, I couldn’t even tell my closest friends for fear that it could be used as gossip or slip out at the wrong time. The risk wasn’t worth it. But along the way there have been highs and lows. Love stories and break ups in equal measure and by starting a blog, I found a place to air it out, share and vent.

Why People Cheat – 11 Reasons to Consider

I by no means advocate cheating. In fact I’m the first to admit that I’m broken. I’m no saint. What I do is so dreadfully wrong that if I was caught it would ruin everything. It would break up my family and crush my wife.

But, and I accept this is an awful justification, it gives me an outlet to be and feel like a man again. And as a result of all the cheating, I’ve turned into a better husband and father. I’m more present at home and to pickup women who know you’re married is no easy job. I exercise regularly, I dress sharp, I listen more – all things my wife gets to benefit from too.

See also  A Lesson Learned about Transparency

I know, rubbish excuse right? Perhaps it’s how I justify it to myself. One day I’ll stop. I know I will. It’s becoming more and more stressful and the break ups are just getting harder and harder to deal with. I know my luck can’t last forever, it doesn’t matter how careful I am.

It’s easy for me to blame my wife for my cheating, but it’s not her. It’s me. I’m the one that’s defunct. Looking back perhaps talking it through or therapy would have been the smarter approach. Sadly I chose the cowardice way out of dealing with what’s turned out to be quite an emotionless marriage. 


    49 replies to "Why I Cheat On My Wife – A Peak Into the Mind of a Serial Cheater"

    • Dude

      You need to redefine your idea of what it means to be a man. Being a man is about being honest, building trust and doing the hard things.

      Yes, your wife would be devastated if she found out. Not so much because you’re out boning whores but because you don’t love her and her entire existence is a lie. Set her free.

      • Dark Horse

        I don’t disagree with you. As I said, I know I’m broken. I truly value what you’ve said, a lot of which is probably very true.

      • Gina

        Please,please stop cheating on your wife, it is so devastating to find out that your spouse is a cheater.It destroyed my confidence.I was always wondering what I did wrong. I am heartbroken,sad,lonely,upset,depressed,confused,hurt. My life is a mess. I am in therapy and a divorce group and online always looking for infidelity sites to talk to others for help. I can’t think straight and I’m always tired from not getting sleep and nervous.My emotions are off the chart. This has ruined me. My husband has chosen the whores over me and our 2kids. He has ruined his relationships with them. He has ruined our lives. All he had to do was talk to me. Please stop the affairs NOW.

    • Exercisegrace

      I think you came here expecting to be hated and attacked. But it’s not what you will find from me. I feel deeply sorrowful for you. Because I know where your path leads. I watched my husband walk it ten years ago. His regrets today could fill oceans.

      You think your marriage is better? It isn’t. You’re happy because you’re being selfish. While your family pays the price. Every minute and every hour you spend talking to, texting, flirting and physically being with your affair partners? That’s time stolen from your marriage and your family. It’s moments and memories you will NEVER get back. I didn’t miss a moment. I have no regrets. While I could have chosen to cheat and justified it by my husbands long work hours, and often feeling like a single mother? I chose instead to appreciate what he gave to our family. I put him and our family first. Always.

      Think the kids don’t notice? Think again. My oldest is grown and has no relationship with her dad, and told her brother she would only go to his funeral to support me. Her brother has almost no contact. My twins were very young at the time of his affair, but their relationship with him isn’t the typical father-son bond you’d hope to see.

      Your wife? She senses it on some level. If you invested even a fraction of the effort and time into HER? You’d have the marriage of BOTH your dreams. You think she’s better off for being exposed to the diseases these women have? My husband and his highly educated, professional co-worker exposed me to an STD that caused me to have to have a total hysterectomy. Certain strains of HPV cause cancer. Condoms don’t prevent the transmission of it. No one should be exposed to diseases without their knowledge or consent.

      Your meaningless, surface relationships will not be what you want to look back on when you’re older. The truth always comes out, sooner or later. I wish you mercy when it does. Because you are throwing away so much for so little.

      • Gina

        You explained it well. It is so selfish to put people that you claim to love through this. I am begging anyone who is thinking about having an affair please stop and read stories from sites to see what you are going to destroy. Talk talk talk. Try your best with your spouse to find ways to save the marriage if possible.

    • Dark Horse

      Thank you for your comments and for not attacking me. I knew I’d get some comments for writing on here – and a lot of what you said is true. I’m not here to defend my actions. I wrote a very honest post knowing full well it would get some very negative reactions. I realise I’m no angel.

      I agree with the selfish bit. I know I’m being very selfish. Hopefully, in time, I’ll mature and change.

      • Exercisegrace

        Actually, you won’t. You are an adult. Maturity is not going to fall from the sky like rain at some point. You are making horrendous choices, you are NOT waiting helplessly for maturity to arrive and rescue you. You will not make better choices until YOU CHOOSE to make them. Until YOU CHOOSE your wife and children over yourself, as actual adults do. You are enjoying her devotion to you, your home, your life etc. While you live like a wild bachelor. Very cruel and unfair.

        You are putting the health (and possibly life) of your wife into danger. I don’t say this to attack you. It’s blunt, but I think that’s what you need to hear at this point. As someone who has suffered numerous infections and worse by being exposed unwittingly and unwillingly to her partner’s sexual misconduct, I can tell you it’s so incredibly damaging and life altering.

      • That’s My Jam

        I’ll never understand how people like Dark Horse get married in the first place. If you know that you can’t be faithful, just stay single and go after anything that moves. You are deluding yourself when you say that cheating makes you a better husband and father. If you were to ask your wife and kids if your cheating helps them, I seriously doubt they would agree with you.

        I suggest you divorce your wife. You have proven that you are not good at being married so why would you want to keep doing something that you know you are not good at? Makes no sense. You are in an open relationship. Your wife just doesn’t know it.

        Judge Judy says that when a person knows what they are about to do is wrong, and they do it anyway, that those people are being “self-indulgent.” So, let’s not pretend that your cheating will help your family in any way. No one believes it except you.

    • Sarah

      Dark Horse,
      Dude and Exercisegrace are giving you the truth.
      Set your wife free and stop being a selfish coward.
      Your children will find out, your life as you know it will change.
      As you are a selfish coward and immature, go to sex counselling with your wife and secure professional help in getting her up to speed with your horrendous choices.
      She deserves the truth in the safety and company of a professionally trained expert.
      I hope she never talks with you again, that she can find her dignity, mental and physical health and happiness without you. The best part, she has your kids without you.
      Good luck with your own therapy, you’ll need a bucketload.

    • Lindsay

      You are doing your wife a huge disservice by staying in this marriage and lying to her. She could be with someone who actually keeps their promises and vows. You’re risking her health and your children because you want “butterflies” this is the most selfish thing I’ve heard in my life. Why even be married if you can’t keep it in your pants. It’s scary to think men like you plague this world.

    • Ivy

      Good evening,
      I am not here to attack you or judge you but to educate you. As a child of 11 to 15 siblings and still counting because of my father’s actions and mother’s for being immature and thinking their relationship could work because it was a bad joke. I can apply further context but it was truly just a colorist narcissistic relationship between two vain people. We children notice, and it’s sad to say. You fathers and mothers think we don’t notice. We notice within days instead of the kids just found out last month I have been cheating. Sadly, scientists have even found that because a child’s memory is so profound in memorizing and storing everything, whenever a child has been assaulted as a toddler past the age of one-year-old no matter the type of assault, physical, sexual, mental, or emotional. Which is what you doing by the way (the emotional one ie. being emotionally neglectful). The child retains the memories and holds on to the event, each time it occurs and it stays with them. Just like when a child notices the parent isn’t caring in a fully genuine manner towards them (like too preoccupied to go on your so-called business trips, or is too preoccupied with other things(private meetings) and or work(actual work) to pay attention to them and or the other parent, so you cancel going to an event but your wife and child still go without you(no matter how few or how many whether repeatedly, consistently and sometimes but not all the times, or you will catch the next one). They (the children) feel the lack of emotions immediately in your tone of voice when you say you can’t go and or when you’re super excited about a so-called business meeting but still can’t go with them. So you definitely can’t go to whatever your child needs but your body and tone of voice show that a business meeting(hook up) means more to you, your excitement is clearly showing because you’re there and not with your kids and they all heard you as you raced out the door. Sadly when you do it too much, that they expect it, it becomes a learned well perceived outcome, that this person(Dad) or mom does not emotionally care nor value me, so I can never seek safety in this person. This causes attention seeking in children which causes rebellious and wild behavior as teens and adults because the emotional bonds were never built and solidified because neither parent nor a specific parent never their parent gave the time or never cared too consistently to always show up. I agree with setting your wife free but also this marriage could work if your both open to therapy but you’re going to be in therapy for years and years. But then you would have to do extensive therapy for years and years for your children as well because for the last ten years the emotional neglect has been a lot of a burden on your innocent family of people who never asked for such a burden. I notice you never talk about chores. Do you do chores in your house, or is it slated for a handyman to come repair and solve everything? Again, I am not judging and not attacking but since your emotional marriage with your wife is dust, and your children’s emotional relationship is dust, mind you this is what I am understanding from what you have put out there and what I have read. I hate to be three for three here but on the chore, upkeep, and repairing household and home I am worried that is dust as well in your case. Because even a small thing like “I have a business meeting…” and the kids overhear it mind you they are storing what you said like a computer sitting with a recorder on. “So sweetie, I can’t do this chore or that chore.” Doing that even once shows you don’t care and are unreliable. They now have to watch mom or a handyman come pick up the thing that you can’t even be bothered with when ergo their parent mind you who is supposed to care and make everything ok cannot because “It’s not worth a dime to dad.” All those deflections to take time to not involve yourself in caring for your home time, all of that adds up and piles on. I am probably not the best person but with almost completed bachelor’s and taking minors to bolster my yearly payout and investing cause I want to retire very well off and since you don’t even talk about it in your articles, (not doing chores or in any way taking care of the house). My question is do you even want to live there? Do you even really want to be there? I rather know something is wrong emotionally with my future husband before we marry and I think you should have told her you to have a kink (ten years is more than a kink so sex addiction like the lady stated above I agree with completely now) for cheating all this before you got engaged. I think you rushed into your marriage first off and had kids secondly you didn’t want to have and thirdly might not have gotten the attention you needed as a child yourself. I think you have to sit back and ask yourself some honest questions because like the woman above said you are risking your body here as well, your wife’s body. Are you being in denial that she doesn’t know, that the kids don’t already know and that you’re just not happy overall with how your life went and you like keeping up this charade that they don’t know? Life doesn’t go many times the way we wanted but you can still make your life great, you would have to start from the beginning. All of this is proof of that because everything is superficial currently all that you currently have, the wife, children, and a home. So maybe I am the best one to ask you this. Do you want to continue to live this way? As a person with no emotional ties to either parent it’s truly the most lonely thing in the world, do you want to end up with no one to visit you when you’re older? Even my mom and dad I want to have better relationships with both truly I do. My dad, it seems possible, my mom it doesn’t seem like she doesn’t even want to try to be better and that’s ok but I am good at not trying as well and many times I feel like I’m faking trying to get along with someone I do not like and deeply resent for birthing me and bringing me into such horrible circumstances. My dad the same but not as an extreme feeling we had to talk as my mother may have bipolar disorder. Sad to say she is toxic truly and may end up in a home and I may only see her once a month or really and truly never depending on how I feel. Sadly if my dad turns out to be toxic as well neither person may be visited and we know in nursing homes those who don’t get visited are more than likely to be very neglected by the staff and sad to say many of us kids growing up in this generation we are okay and even like this outcome and we don’t feel bad with it. If their neglected by the staff their neglected, because look what they did to us when we were kids. I am probably the same age as your children please don’t be upset or angry with them for the effort you never gave, sadly it sounds like both of my parents. We are the generation were not lying to our parents to comfort their fantasies. Like my mom kept saying she was going to live off of me and my siblings and I just told her the other day no way. She then was talking about running off from her job and just shacking up and I had to bring her back to the reality that she needs to work until she is 65 she is not living off of anyone. None of my siblings are putting forth that type of extreme effort because really and truly you didn’t give that effort to us. We were raised with our grandmother full time, I respect my grandmother so much because she did everything and those two fools for 10 years could barely be bothered and barely visited. So again my question is what are you going to continue to do? Sorry meant to edit the previous post

      • Dark Horse

        Thank you for taking the time to write this. I’m not quite sure what to say, other than it’s all been noted. I haven’t professed to be an angel and I know what I do is wrong. Frightfully wrong. I don’t make excuses for my behaviour, and until now, never really found myself in a position having to defend it either.

        But please know I have read what you’ve written a few times and no doubt it will sink in in a few days. Thank you for taking the time to pen this


    • TryingHard

      Dark Horse
      You are an addict. Sex and cheating is your drug of choice. You talk about the high of cheating with OW and part of that high is duping your family. I know you think you’re a better husband because of your better attitude and outlook on life. News flash, it’s not.

      As an addict if it weren’t cheating it would be drugs or alcohol or gambling or food or video games…. You’ve reached your maturity level. It’s your brain that’s badly wired now from feeding your addiction. It will get worse and you will get more reckless to feed your addiction. In the meantime your family will pay the price of your poor choices.

      Get some help. Get some therapy. You are helping no one with your secret life. Most specifically yourself.

    • TryingHard

      Dark Horse— i want to add, when you state “you’re no angel” my friend that is a moot point ok? No one is an angel. Not me not you. You’re human. You use your addiction to cope. I don’t know what you’re coping with. FOO issues etc. I don’t know but you should. You say you cheated because after the kids came she ignored you. Sorry but i have a feeling even if she was lavishing you with attention you’d still find your own reason to feed your addiction.

      I’m afraid your wife will soon find out and your life knows no hell for what you will soon be experiencing. And you will be dealing with your issues all by yourself and dealing with co-parenting and financial issues with someone who will despises you.

      I hope you get help sooner than later before it’s too late.

      • Sarah P.

        TryingHard, I always appreciate that you provide the absolute facts. You don’t candy coat them; you speak the truth. 🏆

        From a play called, The Mourning Bride, written in 1697: “Heav’n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorned.”

        Yet, generation after generation ignores this wisdom, and in so doing, hurts families.

        • TryingHard

          Hi Sarah—no body lines to be played for a fool. Scorned women or scorned men. I feel sorry for Dark Horse. He’s certainly maki g his own hell with his poor choices. But mostly i feel for his wife and children. It’s a sad existence for sure

          • Sarah P.


            100% 🙏

            My heart is hurting for the wife here.

            Also, if Dark Horse were truly remorseful, he would take his website down, find a therapist to work through his addiction, and let his wife know so that she can make an informed decision as to how she would like to spend the rest of her life. She may stay or she may go; just let her have the information so she can decide what is best for HER.

            Knowing that this site exists – teaching cheaters how to cheat successfully – truly makes me sad.

            But here is what really makes me sad.

            There are so many women who will now be exposed to cancerous HPV and some may never know until the cancer is at stage three. 😢💔😞

            As many of us here know, condoms don’t prevent cancerous HPV. Each time a married person has a sexual affair (penetration, oral sex, digital stimulation) they run the risk of exposing their spouse to a deadly cancer. But, they also expose themselves as well. Cheaters of both genders expose themselves to HPV.

    • Jacinta

      I feel that you are conflicted in the ‘reasons’ you give for your cheating. You don’t blame your wife you say? Yet you tell us she stopped noticing and neglected you after your children were born and you needed to feel ‘noticed’ again. So one can only logically assume that her perceived neglect of you ‘made’ you cheat to gain attention. You say you do not blame your marriage, you blame yourself, yet later you feel it necessary to describe your marriage as ‘emotionless’. So logically one can assume you are saying the lack of emotion in your marriage drove you to seek it elsewhere.
      Yet you insist you do not blame your wife or marriage. I disagree. Nowhere do we hear how you hard you did or did not try to help or get closer to your wife at this point. Instead you chose to cheat. Your choice, your responsibility.
      Please do not confuse being attractive to multiple women and having sex with them despite being married with what constitutes ‘feeling like a man’.
      What you feel like is a cheat.

      You are getting your ‘manly’ feelings and ‘dopamine high’ at the expense of others. ‘Cheat’ is not the first word that springs to mind when I define the word ‘man.’

      Please allow your wife the choices you seem to think that you are the only one entitled to. She and your children deserve better.

    • BoundaryBuilder

      I don’t read or post here often. But, damn the self-delusion of this guest poster reeled me in. The hypocrisy in this statement is astounding – “I by no means advocate cheating.” Dude, you host an entire website glorifying infidelity! You spend hours writing articles such as “How to Get Out of the House to Cheat” and “7 Best Places to Cheat” where you suggest bonking APs in the family home. You write this stuff. You post it online. So yes, you are advocating cheating. In fact, you believe you’re so good at lying you decided to share your expertise with the world!. You are an expert on how to screw over families, how to lie, cheat and steal family resources from the people who supposedly love you. Yes, you are indeed “broken” because your ego manufactured this horrible persona – the know it all creator of “The Cheater’s Handbook.”

      Please do seek therapy. And, it would be a mistake to focus only on the sex. Betraying your wife and children is much, much bigger than just getting your ego (and other things) stroked as an “outlet”. This way of being gives you validation. Lying to your wife and children gives you MEANING. How shitty is that? Please look closely at WHY you so desperately need to fill the hole in your soul with external validation. Why you are so hungry for meaning that you created a blog dedicated to boosting your ego. Meaning must come from within. It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy. That’s your job. Until you realize that you are responsible for your own happiness your life will continue to go down the toilet headed towards an inevitable disaster. Your hidden double life is only cheating you. Get help. Your family deserves better. And you deserve more than the fake rotten persona you created out of the misery of others.

    • Shifting Impressions

      Dark Horse
      I simply cannot fathom what possible motive you have for writing this post.

    • BoundaryBuilder

      Motive? Click bait for his heinous blog. “Emotional Affair Journey” logo now displayed on the “Cheater’s Playbook” “Featured” section. His cursory responses to the heartfelt feedback is very telling. I assume is is a for real human being so deserves our pity, but did not deserve the energy each poster spent responding to his dreck. I regret being sucked in.

      • TryingHard

        BB–you are so right. UGH makes me so mad

    • Shifting Impressions

      I’m curious as to WHY you would print this post, It’s almost as if he is throwing it in our faces, There seems to be a total disregard and disconnect to the damage he is doing.

      • Exercisegrace

        I agree. There is no remorse here. There is no intent to make changes of ANY kind. In fact, quite the opposite. He glorifies, promotes and recruits others to his lifestyle. This isn’t the forum for that.

      • Doug

        SI, we’ve always tried to provide a forum for both the betrayed and the unfaithful on this site. And I’ve always been of the mind that the BS can potentially learn a thing or two that might apply to their situation when a CS is willing to share and reply to comments.

        • Shifting Impressions

          Doug, I guess the word SERIAL should have given me a heads up. It’s just if I have learned anything throughout this journey….it’s to listen to my gut. My Spidey Sense is on high alert every time I even think about this post. I could say more but best keep it civil!!!

        • TryingHard

          LOL well Doug I expected to read something really pertinent to the subject. Like he really had something to say. Uh he didn’t.

          I mean seriously what professional cheater with a How to Cheat blog, (which I’m not sure he makes money on it, betting he has a patreon account) would use the sad sausage and very tacky cliched excuse of my “wife had children and ignored me so now I go around screwing everything and anything and teach other saps how to do the same”?. Does it get anymore irrelevant than that?

          UGH ppplease. He’s a pathetic LOSER!

    • Dark Horse

      I do not make money on this blog and I do not have a Patreon account @tryinghard

      To the other comments, all I can say is thank you for replying. I have taken onboard a lot of what you have said.

      • TryingHard

        DH—well there’s that at least 😂

      • Nic

        Do you not understand the damage your doing to your children?
        Do you want them to grow up to be stable & secure adults ?
        You are jeopardising their future
        Believe it or not, thats up to you.
        But it will be your fault, are you prepared for that reality?
        I hope your wife is secure enough in herself to protect the children from you.

        That’s the reality of it.
        My advice to you is to leave. As how can you be a good father when YOUR needs come 1st ?
        Not sure if you’ll ever realise the consequence & reality of your deception. Absolutely diabolical behaviour, man up ffs.

    • Dan

      I’ll come to Doug’s defense. The benefit in allowing Dark Horse to make this post, which is linked on his site, is that maybe someone visiting his site will find this site and they will reconsider their intentions.

      Dark Horse – you have to understand most people on this site (myself included) have endured the incredibly painful moment when we learn our spouse is having an affair. The pain of that moment is beyond what can be put into words. Most people have a similar reaction to mine. I collapsed on the floor as my whole world closed in around me. My field of vision started fading to black, similar to ending of an old movie where the final scene fades into a shrinking peephole. I sobbed and rocked uncontrollably as I unsuccessfully processed the emotional overload that comes with realizing all I thought I knew about my marriage was wrong. This physical reaction wasn’t the worst part, that was actually therapeutic. The worst part was mentally talking myself off the ledge and regaining my composure because I knew I had to protect my kids. I don’t think my story is unique. Within 15 minutes after learning of my wife’s affair I was in the kitchen making dinner with my kids trying to put on a happy face like nothing was wrong.

      To anyone on the planet, your attempts to justify your behavior are laughable. To those of us who have endured the discovery of our spouses affair, your attempts to justify your behavior are painful to read.

      The common denominator in almost all affairs is a disconnection within the marriage that creates the environment for an affair. You have a legitimate disconnection in your marriage. The dynamics of your sex life have changed due to changes in family dynamics. That’s a pretty common and pretty benign issue. It’s also pretty easy to fix with some couples therapy.

      If you truly love your wife and want to fix your issues, then I suggest an individual therapist to help you work through your cheating ways, which reads a lot like addiction, and then couples therapy to restore your marriage.

      Anyone who has done the hard work to forgive their spouse and restore their marriage will tell you fixing the underlying disconnection in a marriage is 1,000 times harder when the underlying issue has to be addressed in parallel with infidelity.

      Here’s the thing. You know what you’re doing is indefensible. You’re playing this 1-man game of mental hopscotch because you need to perpetuate your addiction to attention, attraction and affection. When your affairs are exposed (and they eventually will be exposed), your brain will know the truth, but your ego will force you to cling to these shallow justifications because they are the only things that protect you from being a heartless monster. If your wife decides to attempt reconciliation, she will have to eat countless proverbial sh*t sandwiches while she waits for your brain and ego to slowly reconcile. It will take painfully long for your brain to breakdown the emotional walls you’ve built and you can finally deal with the root issue.

      I don’t know anymore about your situation then what you posted about, however, the depths to which you’ve slipped in infidelity it’s hard to imagine how you’re wife could endure the long road to recovery. If you love your wife and want to stay married, then get help for your addiction and then face the issues in your marriage. If you thrive on attention, attraction and affection, then be honest with your wife and leave the marriage. Marriage is about loving for the sake of love. It’s about loving long after the initial attention, attraction and affection wears off. Some people aren’t wired for marriage just like some people aren’t wired for parenthood. Figure out who you are, and go from there. Right now you’re lying to yourself and the worst part is your wife and kids are unknowingly carrying the burden of that lie. Your personal issues need to be resolved, and will be resolved. The question is who will resolve them. It’s either you individually, or it’s you, your wife and your kids collectively.

      I truly wish you the best, and hope all the responses to your post have enlightened you to the incredible risks you are taking.

      • Heather

        Great comment Dan. 100%.

    • Heather

      You’ve found something that you say makes you happier and a better person. Fine. Then get a divorce, and spend the rest of your life sleeping around.

      Continuing to cheat is not one of your choices. Stop, or leave. Those are your options. Grow up and face your problems.

      I feel disgust; mainly because you don’t even seem remorseful. You’re defending yourself! You’re minimizing what you’re doing! This isn’t a guilty confession; it’s gaslighting!!


    • Debbie

      I did get something from this that I find helpful. It’s been less than a year since I found out my husband was having an affair after being married over 20 years. There are many things I’ve struggled with that are common and one is has he had more affairs I didn’t know about or will he again. The other is blaming myself. After reading this article I appreciate my husband and his efforts so much more. He is truly remorseful and working everyday to help me and make our marriage better. I know he is nothing like Dark Horse and I get to see how fortunate I am for that. The second part is the blame. After reading this blog, we all can collectively agree this is not any fault on the part of his wife. He is the problem through and through. In some shocking way, this article has made me realize how much worse things can be.

    • Tessa

      Dark Horse, If you put the effort into your marriage that you put into cheating and hiding the cheating your marriage would improve. It only takes one person to improve a marriage. The other person will respond. Look at ‘Marriage Helper’ videos for insight. This is your wake up call. ⏰

    • Dark Horse

      I suppose I knew that writing this piece, on this site would cause some emotional reactions. And whilst it’s not been a pleasant read, it was almost to be expected, with the vast majority people on here have been cheated on, hurt and confidence shattered.

      And whilst I appreciate that many of you have wanted to point the finger at me and say ‘hey, there’s the bad guy’ or demonise me, the truth is I didn’t cheat on you! I cheat on my wife!

      Whilst so many of you are trying to salvage my marriage and make me convert to monogamy, I go to great great lengths to hide my cheating.

      What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. I get that sounds cras – but it’s also the truth. Sites like Ashley Madison have 60 million users. That’s 60 million people who have either been tempted, cheated once, or cheat consistently.

      I am broken, I get that. There is no excuse for what I’m doing and I’ll stop when I’m ready. I’m not remorseful, in fact quite the opposite – I’m enjoying this high wire life (yes I know this is going to upset you further, which isn’t my aim) – but I wrote this article so that you could understand the mind of a cheater.

      So many of you have directed your anger at me, as if I cheated on you when I didn’t! I don’t deny what I’m doing is wrong! But none of you are going to fix / change me.

      What you all must understand is that it’s never the fault of the person who is being cheated on. I cheat because I’m broken. It’s my fault. And if any of you have ever for a second blamed yourself, don’t! It’s always the fault of the cheater. There’s something in us that’s lacking. Dreadfully lacking. Something I hope will change in time. So whilst many of you have insulted me, given me advice, been round, been measured, been keen to share your thoughts with me – what I wanted to share back is that if you’ve been cheated on, it’s never your fault.

      As a cheater, I know I’m broken. I don’t advocate cheating, I advocate cheaters being more careful! Yes of course if my wife found out she would be devastated, but she won’t, because I’m careful! Very careful!

      I get my words are lost on many of you, and if you’ve been the victim of cheating, why on earth would you ever want to hear from a cheater? You wouldn’t – you would want to hang and quarter him – I get that. But what you all must understand is all the advice and insults is going to rush me to change. I will change, but in my own team – when I’m ready.

      A lot of the assumptions in the comments section have been made about me; granted some may be true. But one of the glaring commonalities is asking me why I wouldn’t leave my life and go off and live my life. That’s what many of you are failing to get. Cheating isn’t just about sex or attention elsewhere, just the sheer of excitement of the sneaking around and having this secret is what makes affairs, flings and one night stands so profoundly exciting! Being single and leading this life just wouldn’t have anywhere near the same enjoyment.

      My hope in writing this post was for you to understand the mind of a cheater. I wasn’t looking for a sympathetic audience, nor was I looking to upset anyone. I was looking to simply give you my POV.

      I will always reply to any comments on this page, be it en masse like this or personally. I will never shy away from it. But at the same time, I ask for all of you to have a better understand why people cheat. I don’t wish any of you to be cheated on. I don’t wish for any of you to be hurt. But sometimes understanding why people like me cheat will give you a better understanding of why it happens…..

      I’ve been asked to write for the Metro Newspaper again this week and will bring into account a lot of what you have said and be more mindful of what I say and how I say it.

      I never once said I was an angel. I love my wife to no ends. Just because I cheat, doesn’t for once second not make that statement true.

      • Dan

        Google “Adam Levine”

        • Dark Horse

          That’s what the metro have asked me to write about – he was careless

      • Sarah P.

        Hello Dark Horse,
        What will you be writing for The Metro?

        Wanted to unpack something:

        You said this:

        “Cheating isn’t just about sex or attention elsewhere, just the sheer of excitement of the sneaking around and having this secret is what makes affairs, flings and one night stands so profoundly exciting! Being single and leading this life just wouldn’t have anywhere near the same enjoyment.”

        At the very end of your comment, you also said you love your wife.

        I ask you this: how can you reconcile two opposing thought constructs?

        You say it wouldn’t be as fun to do this if you were single. Yet, you claim you love your wife.

        We have a motto here and it’s “love is a verb.” You admitted your wife would be shattered if she found out. Wouldn’t logic follow that CEASING the devastating behavior would be the loving thing to do?

        1) I am not trying to change you. I want you to really think about how it’s truly impossible to be loving to your wife while carrying on this lifestyle.

        2) What your wife doesn’t know will eventually hurt her.

        3) Please dig deeper within yourself to find that part which is broken. Find out when you broke, why you broke, and go back to that original wound and heal it.

        I have one question: would you be willing to be in an openly polyamorous relationship with your wife? Maybe she can find several gentleman she likes and she can dress up in her most alluring clothing, go on date nights with other men, and perhaps you could grab the popcorn, put on a Disney movie and spend time with your children? This would be a relationship of equals.

        I have no desire to have a polyamorous lifestyle. But, I do respect polyamorous people who are completely transparent about who they are. That way, another person has a CHOICE in terms of if they want polyamory or monogamy, as a lifestyle.

        • Dark Horse
          • Dan

            Dark Horse – I read your post on Metro and then spent some time cruising through the content on your blog. I gotta be honest, I expected a little more depth of content from a self proclaimed “expert” cheater. The advice you give is pretty much common sense, and anyone who can’t figure out your tricks is guilty of being stupid and a cheater.

            Here’s the thing. You’re ignoring the power of circumstantial evidence and the steps a betrayed spouse will take to find the truth. My wife was masterful at covering her tracks, so I had to up the game. I found the hidden communication apps on her phone. Didn’t find any messages, but a hidden app with a changed icon is pretty compelling. There were inconsistencies in Live360. No damning evidence but inconsistencies in how her app behaved relative to our kids. Ultimately I put a voice activated recorder in her car, and it took 1-day to expose the whole thing.

            As far as I can tell, your basic premise is that affairs are harmless as long as you take proper steps to prevent getting caught. The problem is that having an affair requires communicating and meeting, and ultimately those two things can’t happen in a vacuum. They can be traced, recorded and eventually exposed.

            • Dark Horse


              Thanks for your comments. You are right, getting away with cheating is all about common sense, but too many men think with their d**cks than they do their heads. Common sense is exactly what is lacking in those who get caught.

              The reason you placed a recording device in your wife’s car is simply because you got suspicious. And what I talk about is not just covering your tracks, but behaving in a way where you don’t even arouse suspicion in the first instance.

              It’s easier to hide your affair than it is to act in a manner that doesn’t make your partner suspect in the first place. …..

      • Nic

        I hoped to gain insight, but there isn’t any.
        Me me me, nobody can contend are influence a person who only thinks of themselves.
        Adults get to chose, children do not.
        I thought that maybe, you would look at your children & want better for them.
        You are enjoying yourself, but at your families expense, can you truly say that this is a happy life your living ?
        You say your broken, whats the reason you don’t want to fix yourself ?
        I think you know the answers, fear is your friend, as seeing who you truly are will break you. You can’t be honest with yourself, let alone anyone else.
        You cannot comprehend what being broken is.

    • Dark horse

      Sorry for the typos. I wrote the above in a rush on the train.

    • BoundaryBuilder

      Google “hubris”
      “Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”
      Wise words.
      Your house of cards WILL come tumbling down. Which will force you to face yourself and really look at the harm you’re doing to others. And the harm you’re doing to yourself.
      Maybe you’ll give your wife an STD.
      Maybe you’ll hook up with the wrong woman and she will out you.
      It’s IMPOSSIBLE for you to control every variable.
      The downfall is coming. It’s inevitable.
      I hope you will learn and grow from the experience when it does arrive.

      • Dark Horse

        Maybe you’re right, maybe you’re not, maybe it’s just wishful thinking on your part?!

        I hope that I will learn and grow before that day every comes….

        Have a great end to the week x

    • Speakingfacts

      All she needs to do is hire a pi and it’s a wrap! It’s all fun and games now but you will get caught trust me

    • Don't Put Up With It

      I was thinking the other day about our biological roles – in nature – as men and women. There’s been so much controversy about gender the past couple of years. Well…..a man’s natural role is to protect and defend his woman, his children, and his tribe from attack, and to provide for their needs and help them to endure and prosper and grow. A woman’s is to nurture the children they have, to raise them successfully to adulthood and help the next generation to grow. To help the old, sick and injured in their community and to be a store of generational wisdom that she and her foremothers have gathered.

      When you as a man have an affair, more than a ONS certainly…..you are doing the opposite of what a man is supposed to do. You are not only NOT protecting your spouse, kids and tribe….you are ATTACKING THEM YOURSELF. YOU are bringing the harm to them, YOU are infecting them, YOU are endangering them – and that is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what a man’s natural role should be.

      You need to re-learn what a man really is or should be – he’s not James Bond….he’s Atticus Finch in to “Kill a Mockingbird”. Patient, loyal, loving, strong, protective, fair and honest. Not predatory, reckless, selfish and short sighted.

    • That’s My Jam

      Dark Horse, you are in an open relationship, but the problem is that your wife just doesn’t know it. Since you think cheating makes you a much better husband, maybe telling your wife about your dalliances would give her the same opportunities to have affairs so that she would be a better wife.

      You don’t love your wife. Love is doing what is best for your partner, and cheating is the opposite of that. Divorce her so that she can find someone who can really respect her and treat her like the Queen that she is. My father cheated on my mother, and it affected us all. He’s been dead for years, but when we get together and he is brought up, our conversation always goes into what an awful father he was to us. No stranger is worth hurting your family the way you are doing. If your family finds out, I suspect that your family will have similar feelings about you that we have about our father.

      I’m going to assume that you use condoms, but condoms don’t protect you from all STDs. I hope you get yourself tested regularly, and hope that you don’t pass anything to your wife.

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