“I wanted to come clean with you about why I cheat on my wife and perhaps give you some context.”
By Dark Horse
When I asked Doug if I could write for their blog, I did so with apprehension. After having read firsthand, how much cheating has destroyed lives, I must admit I did think twice.
As a serial cheater and the owner of the blog Cheater’s Handbook, I realise that publishing here may not be my target audience. That said, I wanted to come clean with you about why I cheat on my wife and perhaps give you some context.
I got married just over 10 years ago and have 3 wonderful children. My wife is a tough cookie, she’s pretty, smart and professional, but after the kids were born, what little attention I got beforehand completely went on them. I dropped so far and fast down the pecking order in my own home that I felt that I was wanting and craving the attention elsewhere.
The first time I cheated was at a cocktail making party with someone I had just met and had gotten to know. Once I became aware of the fact that I had it in me to still flirt and charm, I was off to the races. I’d flirt with women every opportunity I’d get. I even ended up signing on to these dating affairs websites.
It was never about the sex for me. I wanted to feel wanted again and I craved attention. Having an attractive woman pining over me filled me with dopamine more than anything I’ve ever experienced. To get those butterflies in your stomach, to get that rush, there are simply no words to describe the euphoria. If it led to sex great, however if not, I was satisfied with kisses and regular contact. I was happy with having someone to talk to, share my problems with and being heard. It was a far cry from my reality at home.
And before long it became a habit. At one stage it had gotten to the point where I had 3 different women on the roster.
I avoided suspicion by being careful all the time. I never broke routine and went away for work, I never stayed the night at someone’s. I was never reckless with my phone. Contrarily my affairs would occur during the day, in sometimes the most remote of places and I quickly got myself a burner phone. I even carry a spare set of clothes in my car. That way I’d never come home smelling of perfume.
I became good at having affairs but even better at covering it up. And whilst dating some beautiful women along this journey, it’s hardly something I could shout about from the rooftops. I couldn’t tell work colleagues, I couldn’t even tell my closest friends for fear that it could be used as gossip or slip out at the wrong time. The risk wasn’t worth it. But along the way there have been highs and lows. Love stories and break ups in equal measure and by starting a blog, I found a place to air it out, share and vent.
I by no means advocate cheating. In fact I’m the first to admit that I’m broken. I’m no saint. What I do is so dreadfully wrong that if I was caught it would ruin everything. It would break up my family and crush my wife.
But, and I accept this is an awful justification, it gives me an outlet to be and feel like a man again. And as a result of all the cheating, I’ve turned into a better husband and father. I’m more present at home and to pickup women who know you’re married is no easy job. I exercise regularly, I dress sharp, I listen more – all things my wife gets to benefit from too.
I know, rubbish excuse right? Perhaps it’s how I justify it to myself. One day I’ll stop. I know I will. It’s becoming more and more stressful and the break ups are just getting harder and harder to deal with. I know my luck can’t last forever, it doesn’t matter how careful I am.
It’s easy for me to blame my wife for my cheating, but it’s not her. It’s me. I’m the one that’s defunct. Looking back perhaps talking it through or therapy would have been the smarter approach. Sadly I chose the cowardice way out of dealing with what’s turned out to be quite an emotionless marriage.