That Paradox of the Look of Disgust

look of disgust

By Sarah P.

It is an unmistakable look and you have probably seen it on the cheater’s face after you found out about the affair. The cat was out of the bag: your spouse was now a confirmed cheater and yet your spouse was looking at YOU with disgust.

You are the one that should be looking at them with disgust, but instead the cheater is looking at you with disgust.

You are not the person who had the affair; your wayward spouse was the person who had the affair. So if anyone should be looking at another person with disgust, it is you: you should be looking at your wayward spouse with utter, unbridled disgust.

So where does this disgust come from on the part of your wayward spouse?

I believe it comes from the change in the relationship and the knowledge that the person you thought you knew was not that person at all. Many cheaters do not want to be found out and when they are found out, they are FURIOUS. When they are furious, they will look at you with disgust.

I believe the look of disgust on the cheater’s face also comes from entitlement. The cheater believes he or she is entitled to an affair. So when you find out, the cheater thinks in their mind:

“How dare my spouse be angry. I was entitled to that affair because of (fill in the blank). How dare my spouse be angry with me when they drove me into the arms of (insert name of lover) by (insert random act).”

And so they look at you, their victim, with utter disgust.

It’s Like a Game

Trying to listen to people defend an affair reminds me of the childhood game of Mad-Libs. The audience does not know what the story is about.

They are just asked to name random nouns, pronouns, verbs, adverbs, and adjectives. These random words are filled into blanks and a story is read aloud by the teacher. And it sounds like nonsense after it is read aloud and everyone laughs because the story makes no sense.

But, when a cheater decides to use the story with random words it is meant to confuse, but it also illustrates how meaningless the story is. You cannot make someone cheat and so there is no valid reason. The more absurd the reason they name, the more they confuse.

Here is a cheater’s version of Mad-Libs:

One day I was out at (name location) and suddenly (random event occurred.)

That was when I found (name lover) on the (noun) and (name lover) said he/she was (name emotion). I had an affair with (name lover) because you (name random act). Why are you blaming me? You are the one who (insert another random act).

One day I was out at (garbage dump) and suddenly (a giant truck of banana peels was dumped on top of me). That was when I found (Harry) on the (ground) and (Harry) said he was (so happy because he had won $5 from the lottery that day, but Harry was also sad because the ticket was in the banana peels). I had an affair with (Harry) because you (didn’t throw out the expired milk). Why are you blaming me? You are the one who (didn’t clean the lawn mower blades on Tuesday).

That is how irrationally people think and act when they are having an affair. They pull things out of the air that make no sense to any logical person and then they blame you.

You are busy trying to make sense of the irrational thing that you heard, what it means, and why you are being blamed for it.

While you are doing this feat of mental acrobatics, the cheater will look at you with disgust. You will see his or her disgust and if all goes as planned, you will feel disgusting.

The tables have been turned and you have taken the blame for an affair… you should have known to throw out the expired milk and clean the lawnmower blades on Tuesday. Why didn’t you pay more attention!

If you take the blame, many more looks of disgust will follow.

Change Your Thought Process – The Blame is Not Yours to Take

 

Why Do Cheaters Do That?

Jackie Pilossoph from the Huffington Post explains it well:

“When someone admits to cheating, the entire relationship instantly changes. All of the trust is wiped away at that moment in time. Even if the spouse knew about the cheating in their gut (before the cheater admitted it), the trust wasn’t really gone until it was confirmed. People hold onto this little tiny piece of hope that somehow, there is some explanation that isn’t betrayal. So, the cheater who denies it doesn’t want that change to occur—the trust to be destroyed. He or she doesn’t want to change the status quo of the marriage. So, it’s easier to just keep lying.

To those who confronted a cheater and he or she denied it, here is my advice. Trust your gut. If you think he or she is cheating, he or she is, even if they deny it. I could be wrong, but that’s how I feel. Don’t let your spouse tell you that you are being paranoid, that you are crazy, that you are insecure. He or she is doing that because they are stalling for time. They will do or say anything not to get caught. They are desperate so they will make the spouse think it is THEM, that it’s THEIR issue. These kinds of cheaters are infuriating to me. Not only are they cheating, but they are making their spouse feel badly about themselves!!

I know a woman whose husband was cheating on her for years. She always suspected it, but her husband would say, “Please don’t be that insecure girl. Don’t be paranoid…

The cheater, in an attempt to rid himself of any wrongdoing or blame, turns it around and blames the cheatee! …The cheater refuses to take accountability or accept responsibility for doing anything wrong. Instead, he or she will tell the spouse, “You were cold. You were distant. You were mean to me. You deserved this.” This way, the cheater lets himself off the hook and justifies the cheating. Usually in these cases, the cheater becomes really mean and vindictive, divorces are horrible in these kinds of cases, it’s an all out war, and the cheater HATES his or her ex with a vengeance. Why? Because sadly enough, he or she hates him or herself and has displaced this hate to the spouse. It is a coping mechanism. It is a disgusting and horrible coping mechanism.” (1)

 

But, Really, Why Do They Cheat and Then Blame You?

I believe that many people who have affairs do so because they have some kind of hole inside their hearts and they do not feel complete as people. They look to their spouse to meet their needs and to make them feel complete as people. Perhaps in the beginning, their spouse was able to temporarily fill this hole for them, especially during the thrill of new romance.

But, as the years went by, this endless hole in their hearts couldn’t be filled. Life happened. Other things got in the way, such as children. Most people who have children have an idealized view before they have them: “oh how romantic to see how my spouse’s face combines with mine! We will create a new “us” being and that is the most romantic thing of all!”

Then the baby is born. They find out that it’s not the idyllic life that they expected. In fact, children change marriages to such an extent that sometimes married couples feel like they are strangers living in the same house. But, that’s not the fault of the child. Life is different and a child cannot be blamed for false expectations.

People with a solid moral center will get lonely and do get lonely. But, they will not act on it with someone else. They will ask their spouse for date nights, they will find ways to connect with their spouse, and they will realize that if they invest in their marriage more than ever before, this will pay dividends once the children are grown. But, both spouses have to invest in each other.

If a spouse happens to be narcissistic or extremely selfish, he or she will have a very hard time with children in the house because he or she is no longer the focus of attention or the star of the show.

Narcissists cannot stand being upstaged by a child and often go looking for new sources of attention. 

Other times, nice but flawed people never developed the tools to deal with loneliness. Turning down positive attention that is thrown their way is difficult. So, they bathe in the positive attention.

How Some Deal with Attention

To some degree, everyone wants to know they are still lovable, interesting, or desirable and “they still have it.” If a person is capable of reveling in attention thrown their way and going home happily to their spouse, this is not harmful. It’s one of the flaws inherent in human nature, but if a person can keep it in check, then it may not cause a disaster.

One time I had a male coworker and he and his wife were crazy about each other. But, one day he started talking about infidelity and how he and his wife dealt with preventing it. The relationship of this couple had did not match their physical appearance. Both the husband and the wife were each over 300 pounds and were t-shirt and sweat pants folks.

Each of them perceived themselves and each other as highly desirable sexual objects. While at work, the husband (who was my coworker) might announce to a group of us that Cheryl * in accounting was wearing a dress that showed the lines of her derriere. Then he announced, “I shall take that home as inspiration tonight.”

He had said things like this several times in small group meetings. I remember the day someone sitting in the group asked him what he meant.

He said, “My wife and I are both very sexual people and we each appreciate people who are hot. Our rule is that when we see hot people and get inspired, we go home, tell each other about the hot people we saw that day, and channel that sexual energy into one another and use it in our love life.”

Well, then, he left nothing to the imagination.

We were all in our late 20’s at the time and so no one thought anything about that conversation. We all just said, “Huh, That’s interesting,” and went back to work.

But, his comments stuck in my mind for several reasons:

  • This couple was an ideal example of body positivity. They did not allow their weight to hold them back or feel less than and this was inspiring to see.
  • This couple was aware that workplace affairs happen all the time and they didn’t ignore it.
  • They dealt with the idea of attraction to other people in the workplace or otherwise by using it as a way to kindle the home fires.
  • They each had a spoken and completely understood agreement between the two of them that all out of control lust would be addressed by taking these bodily lusts out on each other each day.
  • They also had open dialogues about any coworkers who were entering fantasies more than usual and ensured that neither person strayed.

I think the way this couple deals with attraction to others is a good start. I am not sure that would work for me; I am pretty sure it would really make me angry and start reconsidering my relationship. Because if everyone outside the house is so inspiring, then I would start looking for someone who was inspired by me.

But, it worked for them.

When the Affair Partners Work Together

 

Back to That Look of Disgust

The people who blame the betrayed spouses at all costs usually have no core selves. Since they have no core selves, they cling like a cat on a curtain to maintain a social face.

They simply cannot see themselves as the bad guy or the bad girl. Their social mask as a “good person” cannot be compromised. It’s all they have.

 So they find you to be a disgusting human being because only disgusting human beings could make them cheat.

They point out all kinds of flaws in their mind about you.

If they cannot find fault, they will turn positives into negatives.

And this is not your fault.

This is their failing because they have a script in their minds. They feel very entitled to a certain type of attention. They feel entitled to a certain type of marriage.  If they cheated, they believed it is because you did not fulfill whatever that script was in their minds. You let them down. Since you let them down, you made them cheat.  You become an object of disgust; you have let them down; and it’s all your fault.

They have put you on a pedestal in the past. They have expected you to meet their every need as a human being. They expected you to make them laugh to keep them entertained. They expected you to be the perfect partner in an intimate setting. You were supposed to fill that hole in their mind and in their soul and you failed.

You were supposed to take their pain away. You were supposed to make life great. But you failed and they feel victimized by you. They feel like victims who had to find the arms of another because you let them down.

You were supposed to be the perfect person and you fell short.

The way that many cheaters think is so completely warped, no normal person would recognize it.

No one can fill a hole in another person’s soul. A person who expects this, needs to go to therapy and they need to address all their childhood wounds and work through these issues.

They must do this for themselves because no one else can do it for them. If they think that someone else can magically fill up the hole that they feel inside themselves, they will become serial monogamists or serial cheaters.

They will live their life using others – they are emotional and soul vampires. They will take from you and will continue taking from you until they no longer get that high OR until you walk away. Walk away before they run you dry.

Or the might meet someone new and project perfection onto this person. It’s very easy to project perfection onto someone when you don’t even know the person. It’s absolutely ludicrous.

So it is, many cheaters go through their lives using people outside themselves to fill them up. Once they have taken all they can from a person, they dump that person and go onto the next. Many never see themselves as the issue. 

A spouse like this has made up a terrible story in his or her mind about you and has made up an idyllic story in his or her mind about the other person.

Turn the Tables

After you have found out that your spouse has cheated, I believe that you should turn the tables. I believe that you should go out and buy some new clothes, get some new friends, perhaps join a new gym, and you should live your life without your spouse for a while.

You can live in the same house, but I would encourage you to ignore your spouse for a while and to actually work on building your self-esteem back up. It is their job now to make things right with you.

Almost all wayward spouses will try to take your power away. That is their number one tactic. And the number one thing that you have is your power; specifically empowerment in general.

When you find out that your spouse has cheated on you, do not burst into tears. You should look at your spouse as if they are the most disgusting person to have ever come across.

The thing that makes me the most angry about cheaters is not only have they broken vows to their spouse, not only have they crushed the hearts of their spouse, and crushed the trust of their spouse, they feel entitled to all of these things that they have done.

They are entitled to none of these things and you must always remember that they are the one who must make things up to you and not vice versa. 

Some wayward spouses refuse to break it off with the affair partner. Or, they lie about breaking it off with the affair partner. Do not be surprised if it causes your spouse to go underground with the affair and watch for it.

Many betrayed spouses report having up to three or four – or more – d-days. So you must be mindful even if your husband/wife says that he/she has broken off the affair. People often boomerang back. You need to stay on guard for several months.

You must obtain concrete proof that the affair is over.

In theory, you don’t have a marriage if your spouse is still cheating…and yet you are technically not free to date.  A situation where your spouse won’t leave the affair partner and yet you are still married puts you in a state of limbo.  However, you do have control of the situation and can live your life by getting to know your interests again.

You are free to go out with your girlfriends and do what you want. You are free to take vacations by yourself and spend a lot of time by yourself. Your spouse has broken the marriage contract and so until it is repaired you, really don’t have duties as a spouse.

When the marriage contract is broken by an affair, you have no obligation to your spouse as a friend, a wife/husband, or a lover. You are free to go and explore the world as you wish until your wayward spouse has remedied the situation.

To remedy the situation, they must break off the relationship with the affair partner forever.

They need to apologize, show remorse, and go to therapy. Until they have remedied their part of the contract, there is no marriage.

While you might still be married under the eyes of the law, you are no longer obligated as a marriage partner. You are free to pursue other jobs, life situations, and other hobbies.

So many people think they are stuck when their spouse is trying to choose between them and a lover. No one is stuck unless they allow themselves to be. Kick your spouse out of the house and pursue a life you want. You have a choice too.

You must never forget you have options. And if there are to be looks of disgust, betrayed spouses have dibs on them. Do not ever tolerate such looks from wayward spouses.

 

 

Sources: 

From: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/heres-what-happens-when-you-confront-a-cheater_us_596f7444e4b07f87578e6d83

Photo:  https://weheartit.com/

 

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27 Responses to That Paradox of the Look of Disgust

  1. Anon October 30, 2018 at 2:36 pm #

    Is it a typo or was the line “you don’t have a marriage….. you are free to date” the writer’s actual position?

    It is after the recommendation of concrete proof the Affair is over.

    Just curious. Thank you.

  2. Sarah P. October 30, 2018 at 2:57 pm #

    Hi Anon,

    Good catch. That was a typo and I sent an update to Doug that explains the idea more clearly: the idea of what to do when a wayward spouse won’t leave an affair partner.

    It puts a betrayed in a type of limbo where they are still married and technically NOT free to date because they are married.

    But, a betrayed spouse can pick up all those hobbies he or she meant to pick up. There is no obligation to have dinner at 6pm if a spouse won’t leave an affair partner. A betrayed can start taking trips alone, join a new gym, pick up any deferred hobbies or interests, perhaps go back to school, and focus on building up themselves and becoming strong individuals as they are. A betrayed spouse can get to know themselves again as a healthy individual.

    If someone is legally separated, that is a gray area but, I am talking about married people where the wayward spouse refuses to leave the other person.

  3. Sarah P. October 30, 2018 at 3:11 pm #

    PS- It is important to become empowered if you are married (not separated) to become your own person to gather self esteem. But, don’t ever give a wayward spouse an excuse. You don’t have your marital obligations, but it’s important to keep your new hobbies and travels rated G. You will meet many new people (friends) who can vouch for your character.

    However if you date (while legally married) your wayward spouse can use it to trash your character and say you had an affair. That is why dating is off limits while legally married. It gives your wayward spouse the opening to re-write history.

  4. Shifting Impressions October 31, 2018 at 4:06 pm #

    The “Look of Disgust” was not something I encountered. My husband was guilty of many the typical behaviors cheating spouses engage in, but that was not one of them.

    Thank goodness he didn’t because I am not sure if we would still be together if that would have happened.

    I actually think he was more disgusted by his own behavior….he went against his own moral code.

  5. Nearly Normal November 1, 2018 at 10:46 am #

    Hi, Sarah. Nice post.

    The look of disgust really bothers me. I think it was there more than I remember because I was largely in shock for months. But when I noticed it, it was so damaging to self-esteem. It sends the message (at least it’s the message i heard): “I cheated on you because you are such a worthless, repulsive person.” I don’t think my wife ever thought those thoughts. But that was the feeling I would get. Maybe that says more about me than her.

    • Hopeful November 1, 2018 at 2:37 pm #

      Nearly Normal. I think that is what is so hard. They say one thing and we hear one thing. I know it was maddening for my husband. He told me he felt like if he said anything he was in a trap. And he meant that really there were no good answers to any of my questions. Anything he would say sounded horrible and would lead to more questions. There was no end. On top of it he was disgusted with himself.

      One thing I would say to wayward spouses is no one wants to be lied to but they need to work really hard at being transparent and authentic. Then also to express themselves more and better. For me that made a huge difference my husband is great with his words. It does help to hear someone say kind things and be empathic.

    • Michele November 2, 2018 at 10:32 am #

      Nearly Normal, I feel the same way when I am getting the look of hate. But I take it as I cheated on you because of that and I still think of you as that worthless, repulsive person. Maybe because it isn’t just the look of hate I get but out right rottenness toward me.

  6. Moving forward November 2, 2018 at 7:33 am #

    I find your article to be extremely degrading to anyone who has made one of the biggest mistakes of their life and crossed the line into an affair. My husband had a workplace affair that totally blew up our lives. We have worked hard at rebuilding and now feel our marriage is stronger than ever. I work in mental health and addictions so am aware of the affect that sex has on the brain and decision making abilities once you are in to the lust of the affair. I am not downplaying the devestation of what he did at all. My heart is still broken but articles like this that bash people who will regret forever their horrible mistake are not helpful in alleviating the shame , guilt and humiliation that cheating spouses deal with daily and sometimes for the rest of their lives. Working in mental health and addictions , I see first had what shame can do to a person. And me thinking about my husband as some disgusting human being and the fact I am still with him , is not helpful for my self esteem either .

    • Shifting Impressions November 2, 2018 at 7:26 pm #

      Moving Forward
      I can’t say that I agree with your take on this article. The emphasis is on the disgust the Cheating Spouse shows the betrayed spouse….not the other way around.

      I know it wouldn’t be helpful to think about my husband as some disgusting human being but I do believe I was allowed to be disgusted over his hurtful choices.

    • GracieD November 5, 2018 at 8:14 am #

      Working in “mental health and addictions” you will be aware that actions have consequences. Absolving from consequences serves to diminish the severity of the damage they caused, and creates entitlement.

      And are you sure they “regret forever their horrible mistake”, or rather regret that they were caught? Did they stand to lose a house? a lifestyle? a reputation?

      It wasn’t a mistake, it was an ‘on purpose’ and they did it anyway in spite of all the pain and misery. Only they were too self-centered to see beyond their immediate wants.

      • Hopeful November 5, 2018 at 10:00 am #

        I told my husband early on exactly this. I did not figure it out and know what was going on when he opened up on dday. But He had wanted to tell me for 15-12 months if not longer. I think a huge aspect early on was to get it out and stop hiding it. Really there was no other reward though for him. He had done horrific things for at least ten years. I mean how could he come to grips with that. From my perspective that was a necessary first step. The important part was he had to move past that initial phase.I know not everyone can and they admit then sweep it under the rug.

        And yes there was no mistake. I also told my husband unless he was drugged with the date rape drug or something like that there is no excuse. He had the knowledge, education, training and experience to make other choices. He was 100% self centered and entitled when making those decisions.

  7. Exercisegrace November 2, 2018 at 8:50 am #

    I didn’t get the look of disgust post d-day, but I think that’s because he had ended the affair a little over a year before the whore outed it in a fit of rage. Now DURING the affair (mostly in the late stages) it was pretty much daily. He seemed to constantly be trying to find fault or pick a fight. Anything, of course, to justify his crappy choices. I had to be portrayed as the bad guy.

    Your advice to live your own life is spot on. At some point, I just got sick of him and his demeanor. I focused on my life, my kids, etc. I stopped asking him if he was going to the kids’ activities or attending church with us etc. I didn’t give up on the marriage but I stopped setting myself on fire trying to keep him warm. I didn’t know what was going on but I knew he needed to decide if he was in or out. I think it took me disconnecting to shock him into seeing that he wasn’t going to get to have both a marriage and an affair.

    • Hopeful November 2, 2018 at 12:19 pm #

      This is very similar to my situation. I never got the look of disgust after dday. However my husband broke it off 15 months before dday with both ow. So I think that helped that from being an issue for us. There was some major trickle truth that led to a dday 2. Not new information but he had minimized how long and what he did with the ow. I knew it was not adding up. The stupid thing I said to him was that made dday 2 so much worse. And it was not what he actually did but that he lied to me and made me feel crazy by gas lighting me for another 5 months. That was what about broke me. Where he was worried about what he did.

      I also felt the same way during the affair years. At a certain point I did the same. I focused on me and my kids. I tried for so long to connect, set up date nights, work on our marriage/relationship. It was confusing since his affairs were sporadic. there was not regular pattern to pick up on. He has told me when time would pass without seeing or communicating with them he would lean more towards his old self. For us my husband’s look of disgust was really only ever with himself and came out as shame more than anything.

  8. Michele November 2, 2018 at 10:26 am #

    I call it the ” look of hate” and I see it too often. I am becoming tired of my H continuing to live as a single person. This was evident prior to affair but has become worse post affair along with all the typical negatives that can come from the CS after being caught. The dysfunction that just keeps on giving, lol. I work on myself, make changes, etc but they go unnoticed. The balance is off overall. I’m sick of being treated so horribly. The projections are clear. But until he can resolve for himself that all the hate spewed at me is about him there is nothing I can do but live my life! The struggle is real. Just last night I was told how something will be and if I don’t like it it is my problem but he will not blah blah blah. No sign of communication necessary for progress. No sign of talking it out with understanding another’s concern/perspective, etc. No compromise mentioned. Even if we don’t settle on a compromise and we are on different pages telling me how it will be sounds just like the entitlement that comes with affair thinking. No sign that marriage is about two people. It’s is all about him. It’s his way or else. His imaginary thinking seems to still be stronger than reality. Is it progress that I didn’t get the look of hate last night??? I don’t even know how to measure progress given it is so infrequent and then quickly taken back with reverting to old behaviors. Rant over.

  9. Soul mate November 2, 2018 at 11:20 am #

    If my husband would have looked at me with disgust post affair, I believe that would have been the last time he ever looked at me period!

    My husband’s face was full of shock, fear and shame on DDay. And the fear once he told the parasite to take a hike and he knew I considered staying subsided into relief. I can still see his shame every now and then, however for the most part 1 year post DDay, I see remorse.

    The only time I’ve ever seen the look of disgust on his face is when I asked him if he had sex with the parasite. He looked at me with pure disgust and stated “I wouldn’t have sex with that f## a## even if I was single!”

    It perplexes me to this day. Then why?

  10. Devastated November 2, 2018 at 1:37 pm #

    OMG! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! I have now been in this for 4 month. My husband and I have never had an argument and we did everything together and had so much fun. Then he started to talking to a young woman from work and he was moving out without even telling me. I just didn’t get it how a wonderful man could do this and let me tell you I was so blindsided and sad. You article today has totally changed my life!!! I can’t thank you enough. I have been doing counseling and marriage programs alone and he won’t participate. I did tell him the other day that if he didn’t get rid of his burner phone and the other woman and get help for his problems and addictions we would no longer be married. I know he has had a bad childhood but I have decided if he won’t address his issues it is time for me to move on. You have now empowered me to be stronger than ever and I so appreciate it. I am not crazy! Thanks Again!

  11. Elizabeth November 2, 2018 at 5:35 pm #

    Spot on Sarah!!! Such a great description of the mind set and attitude of the serial cheater…

  12. TryingHard November 4, 2018 at 11:54 pm #

    I wish i could post a pic of my h when he was in the middle of his affair. O corse i had no idea at that point. I still have the pick. I took it st a restaurant we went to when we went to see an art exhibit. I remover i lost him during the exhibit and as i exited the exhibit i saw him on the phone. As soon as i approached he gave a flippant remark about having to take a phone call. I remember thinking it was odd he had to take such a call on a Sunday. But off course i blew it off as i had no clue. We went to Sunday brunch at a nice restaurant after the museum and he was very restless. That’s when i snapped the pic. it was a look of total disgust. That picture haunts me to this day. When i showed it to him during reconciliation of course he minimized and said no he never hated me. But a picture is worth a thousand words.

  13. Eyeswideopen November 5, 2018 at 12:53 am #

    Hi! Great article! My husbands EA was in 2011. I have been a faithful reader to this site since shortly after finding out about the affair in 2011. Though, I’ve come a long way, a big part because of this site and all the wonderful people here that share, and from work on my own and with my husband, I still after 7yrs have questions, feelings of sadness for what use to be, etc. This article, hit the nail on the head of things I felt in those early days. I have to say in my case, right after I confronted my husband, I didn’t get the disgust look per se, but felt it, if that makes sense? His face didn’t reveal anything, but the vibes, oh those vibes! Fast forward to 7 yrs later, we are in a great place in our marriage. I was lucky in the sense that my husband was willing to do the work needed to repair, that being said, I have never gotten over the “throw me to the curb” in the very beginning after finding out. I will always remember that when busted, he didn’t have that OMG what did I do reaction. I’ve learned to deal with that. He’s done everything pretty much right, since. For me, I’ve learned for the most part to not dwell on the should’ve could’ve’s. Thanks again for a great read!

  14. TryingHard November 5, 2018 at 11:05 am #

    Gracie–Great point!! I made that mistake when CS returned home. I knew he was stressed to the max to part of my “PICK ME” dance was to NOT bring up the affair. To try and make him as comfortable as possible about being back home. I wanted peace for both him and myself but I was AGAIN making HIS needs a priority. Big Freaking Mistake because guess what the contact continued even though he swore up and down it was over! Stupidly I believed because I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe the narrative that I had constructed about who he was not what in reality he WAS and showed me who he was over and over. I needed my fantasy and I needed my fantasy that I and I alone was going to be the one to “fix” him. I was going to love him and nice him back to being my faithful spouse. I was going to put all that silly nonsense behind us starting that very day he moved back. How arrogant and stupid was THAT on my part???

    No in fact it all needs to blow up in their face. They need to face the reality of what they did and take full responsibility for it. There is no soft soaping the despicable behavior that goes along with infidelity. And we the BS are only aware of part of that behavior. Imagine all the stuff in the CS memory the are pushing aside and out because they don’t want to deal with it let alone make us aware of it?

    So yes that is one of my biggest regrets. When he came back I should have hired a PI immediately to ensure he was doing what he said he was doing and not trying to de-stress him or make him comfortable. Now I’m not advocating screaming matches either at that time. I shouldn’t have been so stupid as to worry about his comfort level and throwing my own safety aside. Do you know how angry a “woman scorned” can become? And by that time the OW knew she was being dumped. She was def being scorned by then and lots of stuff happened that could and probably did piss her off. I was living very dangerously and he wasn’t helping either.

    Yep I’m on your side with your assessment to that comment.

  15. Doug November 9, 2018 at 10:29 am #

    Hey guys, here’s a note from Sarah…

    “Note to all readers: I have not been active in the comments lately because of some issues with my family that have needed to be attended to. I have children at home (both who have their own issues) AND parents who need daily care and help. Things have been getting more complicated due to recent events and I have not had the time to answer comments. I thank all of you for participating in the comments section because it is your comments that are the life blood of the site and I am so grateful for all of you and your various experiences and perspectives. I apologize for having fallen behind on comments and hope to answer everyone soon. I have not forgotten any of you, I love all of you, and pray for the peace and wellbeing of all readers of this site each night. –Blessings and hugs, Sarah”

     

  16. TryingHard November 9, 2018 at 5:51 pm #

    Sarah— it is completely understandable to be gone from commenting here. You have a young family that needs you. That comes first. You put si much thought and effort in every column you write. You are attentive and make sure everyone here feels heard and understood. We all need to take time to take care of our families, business, friends etc. please don’t spread yourself too thin and make sure you are taking care of you too. Hugs to Sarah and thank you for all your wisdom you share here at EAJ

    • Sarah P. November 12, 2018 at 2:55 am #

      Hello TryingHard,

      Thank you so much for your support and your appreciation. It has been a very difficult week and hope things will get better.

      Hugs to you,
      Sarah

  17. Shifting Impressions November 10, 2018 at 12:26 pm #

    Sarah
    Trying Hard is absolutely right….you are loved and appreciated here. Take care of you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Sarah P. November 12, 2018 at 2:59 am #

      Hi Shifting,

      Thank you for telling me that I am loved and appreciated here. There is a lot of what I would call “un-love and a lot of un-appreciation” going on in my personal life right now (that has nothing to do with the blog or anything or anyone related to it). Just too much stress coming from all sides and it is intense.

  18. Exercisegrace November 11, 2018 at 7:32 am #

    Sarah, TH said it exactly right. You are so appreciated here on the blog. You have my thoughts and prayers!

    • Sarah P. November 12, 2018 at 5:25 pm #

      ExerciseGrace,
      Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers always welcome!

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