Open ‘Mic’ Discussion #33 – What’s On Your Mind Today?

 

It’s been 4 months since we’ve had an open discussion.  Shame on us! 

In case you didn’t know, or are new to our site, the open discussion is where you guys call the shots and discuss the topics that you want to discuss.

We know there must be some things that are going on that you can either ask questions about, share your experiences – or maybe just do a little venting.  Anyways, the floor is all yours!

Feel free to discuss anything…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • What are you struggling with?
  • What are your concerns as we head into the holiday season?
  • Have any success stories to share? Big or small. (We especially want to hear some of these!)
  • Wanna share any lessons you’ve learned recently?
  • Got a question? Ask it.
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What’s your favorite movie of all time?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • What has your spouse done lately that really pisses you off?
  • What has your spouse done lately to make you really happy?
  • Tell us a little about yourself.
  • Can anyone beat Alabama in football?  Geesh!
  • Everything and anything is on the table for discussion!

Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

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43 Responses to Open ‘Mic’ Discussion #33 – What’s On Your Mind Today?

  1. Doug November 20, 2018 at 5:55 am #

    I’ll start things off this morning. After about a 5-year fight with dementia, Linda’s father passed away last week at the age of 87.

    About 6 weeks or so ago, he fell in the bathtub, and though he didn’t injure himself, he was deemed too weak, dehydrated, and he had a UTI. So after a 3-day stay in the hospital, the doctors thought it best for him to go to a nursing home to rehab. The plan being to stay about 2-weeks, regain some strength and get over his UTI – then return home. Well, after more than a month in rehab, he returned home but under critical care in the hands of hospice. He fought hard for about 6 days before passing away.

    Linda, her brother, her mother and myself were at his bedside when he passed. I’ve never witnessed a person die before and it was a profound experience to say the least.

    The hospice nurses were wonderful and made the whole process so much more tolerable, as they provided compassionate care around the clock for those 6 days. It’s fair to say that it takes a special person to be a hospice nurse and we were lucky enough to have 5 wonderful nurses who helped tremendously.

    • Shifting Impressions November 20, 2018 at 9:07 pm #

      I am so sorry to hear that, Doug….my condolences to you, Linda and the rest of the family. It’s never easy, but I agree with you….it is indeed a profound experience being present when one of your loved ones dies.

      You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

      • Doug November 21, 2018 at 5:55 am #

        Thank you SI.

    • Rose November 21, 2018 at 11:20 pm #

      Hi Doug, wow, we have similar stories. I’m sorry for your loss. My 90-year-old MIL passed away about 2 weeks ago. She had been in and out of the hospital for months, and into the nursing home for rehab each time too. This last time, she seemed to be doing well and got out of rehab on a Friday. On Sunday, she started fading (at home). She was sleeping a lot and speaking only in one-word answers to H and a caregiver. She refused to eat. By Monday afternoon, she was basically in a coma, and we got started with hospice that day. H stayed with her, and Tuesday night I joined him. She died at 6 a.m. Wednesday.
      I hate to speak ill of the dead, but I despised her. She was an alcoholic, addicted to opiates, and a narcissistic, abusive woman. Her “things” were more important to her than family. H took over her care for the last year. Normally this is a good thing, to be able to take care of your parents when they need it, but she was a terrible mother and, though she lived 30 minutes away, never called us or her grandkids. She had a housekeeper who she entrusted with all her finances, and we found out she was being robbed, so H took over. I felt like H put all the work we needed to do on our marriage aside to take care of his mother. He also relished this role, because this is his MO for his affairs—needy, abusive women who he needs to “save.” She once called me “used goods” when I was young because I had been previously married with a child. I heard phone calls and saw emails where she talked trash about me but also H. She pretended to be this elegant, very fine lady, and as far as I was concerned, she was evil and not deserving of care. Oh and she lied constantly, to the point where we don’t even know when dementia set in. I think this is where H got his capacity for lying.
      Now that H no longer has mommy to care for, my fear is that he will be lonely and bored and depressed. That’s been his state of mind for all his affairs. I’ve already told him he needs to start working with Meals on Wheels or something so he can channel his need for needy people. Otherwise, he will be seeking out another damsel in distress.
      The other thing is family drama. I won’t get into it too much, but H’s sister hasn’t seen her mother in 7 years. He has not talked to her in longer than that. He wasn’t even going to tell her that her mother died but decided to FB message her husband. He said thanks and asked where to send flowers (they live in another state). They never sent any. But 2 days after the funeral, he sent H a note and asked when they would know about the assets of the estate. She hadn’t even been in the ground a full 2 days! This is the lunacy of his family.
      And as you know, this is the worst time of year for this all to happen!

      • Doug November 23, 2018 at 8:46 am #

        Hey Rose, I’m sorry to hear about all you’ve been through. Your story is quite similar indeed.

    • weddingbelle November 22, 2018 at 11:19 pm #

      Condolences to you, Linda especially, and the family. Hospice can be such a Godsend.

      • Doug November 23, 2018 at 7:39 am #

        Yes they are indeed. Thanks Weddingbelle!

  2. Nearly Normal November 20, 2018 at 1:16 pm #

    Sorry to hear that, Doug.

    Thank God for all the wonderful health workers, indeed.

    Have a good Thanksgiving.

    • Doug November 20, 2018 at 5:21 pm #

      Thanks NN. Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. Thanks as well for sharing your ‘positive victories.’

  3. Nearly Normal November 20, 2018 at 1:21 pm #

    Speaking of Thanksgiving,

    I am thankful for all the positive victories in my marriage, many of which have only happened in the last year. Communication is better (still not perfect). The painful memories are much less intrusive. There are still struggles, but they do not deeply wound me as much as they used to.

    Healing is often so slow, it is easy to lose hope. But every now and then it leaps forward. Hang in there everybody. (Trite, I know, but based on decades of experience)

    • Shifting Impressions November 20, 2018 at 9:23 pm #

      Nearly Normal
      It’s not trite at all….healing is so very slow. I have found that it can almost sneak in unnoticed. We are a society that wants instant and that’s just not possible.

      One day you notice your are not crying quite as often and just as you said the memories are much less intrusive. I had my five year D-day anniversary last week and it passed quietly and uneventfully. I didn’t even feel the need to point it out to my husband. Instead I was able to think of us as survivors.

      I am forever changed…..there are scars, but slowly slowly they are fading into the background. I no longer wake up with thinking about it first thing in the morning….and it is no longer the last thought before I fall asleep.

      Like the rest of you, it’s a journey I never wanted to take….but no one asked me. But five years later I am still standing….and I’m thankful for that.

      • Nearly Normal November 21, 2018 at 4:33 pm #

        Shifting,

        good for you. I’m glad you are doing so well. Some scars fade more than others. This is not a competition, but some scars never stop hurting completely. I did so much wrong at the beginning that there’s no way I’ll ever completely heal in this life. But I’m getting there.

        Happy Gluttony Day, I mean, Thanksgiving Day. 😉

  4. Rose November 22, 2018 at 10:41 am #

    Last night at bedtime, H screamed at me, called me names, and barred me from leaving the bedroom by barricading the door, and almost broke my arm. All because I have not “comforted” him in the 2 weeks that his mother died. I trashed our room, took off my wedding ring, and am leaving today after dinner.

    • Shifting Impressions November 22, 2018 at 7:27 pm #

      Rose
      Do you have somewhere safe to go??? Do you have someone to support you??

  5. FindingNormal November 23, 2018 at 11:42 am #

    Doug, sorry to hear of your fIL. My condolences to your family. Glad that he was surrounded by family and great nurses as he passed.

    Despite my CH divorcing me after a year of wavering for the AP, my boys and I had a great Thanksgiving with our family. Im learning to love life alone without my husband of 18 years. Each day becomes a little easier. The affair has been going on for almost 2 years, 1.5 since dday. We have been divorced 2 months and he’s already moved in with OW. Will he ever come out of the fog and realize everything he’s lost? Will he regret it? He’s told me multiple times that he wished he could go back and erase the last two years. Which isn’t possible. He still takes care of our family and expenses which is crazy but he insist. I still desire for my family to be restored and people think I’m crazy. Maybe I should just move on…

  6. TryingHard November 23, 2018 at 12:19 pm #

    Hello Doug and Linda
    I am sorry for your loss. Funny my MIL died last month as well. Very similar story as yours. While death is sad there are some things that are worse than death. Living with dementia is one of them in my book. To tell you the truth i haven’t seen one person cry over her dear. I think that’s sad. But she did that to herself lingggg before dementia took hold. My FIL is standing straighter and is on the go constantly now. Before he couldn’t leave her for maybe an hour a day and that’s when he’d pay a babysitter to come in.

    I’ve kept my mouth shut during her illness and death. It’s my h mom not mine. It’s curious to see some of the changes in him since she died.

    Life is strange. Be careful how you will be remembered is a lesson my MIL has taught me inadvertently for sure.

    • Doug November 24, 2018 at 9:56 am #

      Thanks TH. And I’m sorry for your loss as well. It’s been a long struggle for Linda with her dad and his dementia, but it’s been almost worse trying to deal with her mother through all of this. She is ill equipped to handle life on her own at this point. I sure hope she can get to a point where she will see that she has some good years ahead of her and she needs to make the best of them.

  7. Rose November 23, 2018 at 1:30 pm #

    Everyone, thanks for your concern…I am okay. I can’t leave just yet, but this week I am installing new locks on my spare room door as well as ordering a fire escape ladder. After the other night, next time I know he’ll be physically violent. He almost broke my arm when I opened the door and I stuck my arm through it, and he threw his body against the door to try and keep me in the room. I was in the bathroom before that with a locked door. He picked the lock and came in, then grabbed my arm and twisted it. It’s bruised in 2 places. He called me a f***ing b***h, said I was a golddigger–because I’m trying to help him with his mom’s crap and house!–and that he KNOWS I had an affair 25 years ago despite no evidence (I didn’t). I haven’t cuddled or kissed or hugged him since his mother died so apparently that’s a reason for abuse–my fault, of course. Three hours of screaming at me. Every surface in this house is covered with his crap–nails, screws, pocket parts, papers, change–but I’M the one who leaves my stuff EVERYwhere, according to him, because I had some laundry on the floor I hadn’t put away. I cleaned the laundry room–it’s now covered in crap by him. I cleaned our back spare room–you could even see the floor then–and he’s covered it again in tools, parts, you name it.
    I told him I had been seeing a counselor for the past year. He demanded to know where and when and what I said so I laughed at him. I told him this was the last holiday together unless he gets psychiatric help soon. He is a lunatic. I read somewhere on a domestic abuse site that you shouldn’t leave suddenly without a plan, so I am actively making the plan. I have no friends or family to stay with but can probably afford at least several weeks in a hotel.

    • Shifting Impressions November 23, 2018 at 3:04 pm #

      Rose
      Please please make sure you are safe. You are in a very dangerous situation….please don’t minimize. I don’t know what the laws are where you are but here in Canada a call to the police right after the attack would have had him arrested.

      Last year my daughter’s boyfriend broke my daughters arm….the police were swift in putting a no contact order in place immediately. There is help available. The police can direct you and help you get the information you need.

      A lock on your door will do nothing should he get it in his head to get a gun.

  8. Shifting Impressions November 23, 2018 at 3:15 pm #

    Rose
    Please….I am worried for you….it’s just not safe to stay!!!!

  9. Rose November 23, 2018 at 3:16 pm #

    Thanks SI. He first went upstairs and took my phone so I had no access. In our room downstairs there were no phones anyway. I am going to buy a couple of prepaid and hide one under my mattress and one in my bag that I’m putting in a storage locker. I’ll also have 2 copies of the car key made and put them in the same bag. I’m going to start putting important papers in my fire safe and keep that in the storage locker. I’ve also been thinking about getting a gun. Almost got him with scissors when he wouldn’t let me out of the room. He’s always been a screamer but NEVER like this, like he has a brain tumor or something.

  10. Rose November 23, 2018 at 3:17 pm #

    I should also say my 31-year-old son lives with us so I am not alone. He is bigger and stronger than his father. Just happened to be rarely out the other night.

  11. Shifting Impressions November 23, 2018 at 3:18 pm #

    Rose
    Should he find that gun….he could turn it on you. this could end very badly. Have you reported any of this to the police???

  12. Rose November 23, 2018 at 3:24 pm #

    I haven’t. It was in the wee hours of Thanksgiving and we had the kids coming over. Typically, like the narcissist he is, he chose to ruin a holiday. Unlike him though, I’m a very good planner and will make arrangements to leave. I’ll be very careful. He took over his mother’s finances and let both her life insurance and car insurance lapse so she lost the life insurance. I do all our finances and he has no idea how to use Google drive so has no idea what’s what. I told him he’d have to do all his mother’s house on his own now since apparently I wasn’t trying to help him…after 35 years I’m just a golddigger.

  13. Shifting Impressions November 23, 2018 at 3:54 pm #

    So, what is stopping you from leaving right now? Or from you and your son alerting the rest of the family and the police.

    What advice would you give a good friend in this type of situation?

    Rose, he did more than ruin a holiday….he assaulted you!!! He is out of control. There is no reasoning with him at this point. Your safety and your son’s safety is the only concern here!!!

    There is help out there!!

    I’m praying that you hear what I’m saying

  14. Rose November 23, 2018 at 4:53 pm #

    SI, I hear you and thank you. H is retired and home a lot. I cannot get me, my dogs, my son and all our stuff out today. That and it is VERY important my kids are taken care of. I’m getting the locker today and will give only my daughter a key. In there will be a letter about everything as well as documents she will need. I need to be sure she and sons and grandson get the things they need if anything happens to me. She’ll also have all my passwords, including to this site, as well as my counselors phone number. H is puttering around the house. I’m okay. I’ve done all the research, and when we can, we’ll get out. I’m also in touch with Sarah personally.

  15. Rose November 23, 2018 at 4:54 pm #

    I also work at home and would have to take all that equipment with me!

  16. Rose November 23, 2018 at 5:33 pm #

    One other thing I’ve read. Victims of domestic abuse NEED to make this plan and not let on that there is one. Even Katie Holmes got a burner phone and made a plan in secret to leave the psychotic Tom Cruise and Scientology.

  17. TryingHard November 23, 2018 at 6:12 pm #

    Rose—- OMG this has gone from bad to horrible. Please do not buy a gun. Please contact a woman’s shelter and get out of there. He’s lost his mind. If you can’t get out put locks on your bedroom door. And yes he lays another hand on you call the cops. They’ll keep him occupied for a while that maybe you can gather your stuff to get out. im worried about you too

    • Shifting Impressions November 23, 2018 at 8:56 pm #

      Trying Hard….I agree one hundred percent. In my daughter’s case the police pressed charges and removed him from the home.

      Rose…I am glad you are in contact with Sarah!!!

  18. TryingHard November 23, 2018 at 9:27 pm #

    Hi SI—I am so sorry you and your daughter went through that. I’m really glad your daughter got away. Thing with abuse you are always looking over your shoulder. Is she doing ok now?

  19. Shifting Impressions November 23, 2018 at 11:54 pm #

    Thanks Trying
    She walked away and never looked back. He was a recovering addict and they had only been dating about a year. She was vulnerable because she was going through a divorce.

    A year later she has great job and is doing well….she is going for counseling which is extremely helpful. Also there are no children involved making it much easier for a clean break.

    It was a heartbreaking experience that’s for sure. My husband and I have stepped up our donations to the shelter for abused women in our city. Domestic abuse is a serious problem and found in all walks of life.

    Thanks for asking….hope you are well these days.

  20. Anon November 24, 2018 at 10:19 am #

    Rose if you call the police and have him arrested for domestic violence then he has to leave the home – isn’t that correct?

    Then you get a restraining order to keep him miles away from you and out of the home.

    Then you protect yourself however you need to. Legally.

    And then move out and don’t tell him where you are.

    Good luck with your plan – I hope it happens soon.

  21. Patsy50 November 24, 2018 at 11:13 pm #

    Linda and Doug

    So very sorry. Sending my condolences to you and your family. Rose I have been reading your story and my heart goes out to you. As others have said, you are in a dangerous situation and someone needs to know that your husband is abusing you. Be safe

    • Doug November 26, 2018 at 5:13 am #

      Thank you Patsy!

  22. Rose November 25, 2018 at 8:54 pm #

    All, wanted to tell you I’m okay and thanks for all your concern. Here’s what I did this weekend:
    Bought a small fire safe. This week it will get filled with copies of important papers, my passport, wedding ring (oh yeah, took that off last week), etc., and dropped at my daughter’s house. I’m not telling her why, just for “safekeeping.” It will also have a document with all my insurance info, my work contacts, my email and other passwords in case she needs it.
    Found both sets of keys to our bedroom door in case he tries to lock me out. In the process of moving clothes up to my office a little at a time. My office was my son’s room and the closet is still full of his stuff, which I’ve started to get rid of.
    Bought pepper spray which I will wear on a necklace around the clock as well as discovered a necklace alarm that calls 911 (via Bluetooth) on my phone in case my phone isn’t in my hand. I’ll find the name of it—was $75.
    Figured out an escape plan, but ALSO the best thing for me to do was not react. I did that and it riled him up even more. I should have just sat there without looking at him or responding.
    Bought two burner phones. One is in my work bag and one under my mattress.
    Put a couple of days’ worth of clothes in my work bag. The trick will be getting my work laptop into the bag because I work at home.
    Going to make a new car key this week.
    Sent a letter to my counselor detailing all that happened. Put a copy in the fire safe for my daughter so she knows to contact her.
    That’s it for now. I am pretty numb right now. H is sitting in the kitchen on his computer while I’m making soup like nothing ever happened. That, to me, is also intimidation. He is playing the victim.

  23. Rose November 25, 2018 at 10:25 pm #

    Btw…noticed he had a new phone tonight and I asked him about it. When he was screaming at me the other night, I took his phone from his nightstand, where it is located constantly, and I threw it at him. He has refused to be without his phone for 2 seconds day or night. It hit him (not hard), then landed on the floor. Tonight he tells me it was smashed and he lost EVERYthing. Oh wah. Maybe think about it next time you imprison me, call me a f***ing b**ch and a golddigger, and try to break my arm.

  24. Blindsided November 25, 2018 at 10:57 pm #

    I have been spending the past couple of days mostly alone – H out of town, which has been a nice sabbatical for both of us.

    I decided tonight to read some of the materials from Linda and Doug that I had not to date. Oh my – how I wish I would I have read Crisis Management several months ago!!!!! This is a GEM – thank you Linda and Doug for this wonderful book. H has been working hard on himself, and I have been stuck with my need for a better, more detailed explanation of why he had his affair. He has been stuck too – for a whole host of reasons. We have gone back and forth, up and down … ugggghhh. When I read the section that begins on Page 34, Finding Meaning in the Affair, it was like a gift. Reading the words, “It’s trying to make sense of a senseless act” made me give out an audible gasp. It may not be magic for others, but for me it was exactly what I needed to hear (have probably heard before, but wasn’t ready to listen). I have read and re-read Pages 34-35. And, have asked H to work on the questions. This is gold. Thank you.

  25. TryingHard November 26, 2018 at 11:29 am #

    Rose–I’m glad to hear you have a plan. And I agree I think the operative word here is not to react to him. Even though we create the best laid plans, things can and do happen in the heat of the moment and someone ends up hurt or even dead sometimes.

    It sounds to me there’s a pretty volatile situation going on there at your home and I feel for all of you. People do and say crazy things in anger they later regret. It just seems to me there is NO getting through to your husband. It also seems to me the least of your problems, right now at least, is whether or not he’s having an affair! And maybe he is and that’s what’s driving his crazy and his anger. Best bet is to lay low and fly under the radar where he is concerned. I would not stir that hornet’s nest for sure.

    Stay safe Rose.

  26. Rose November 26, 2018 at 11:32 am #

    Thanks TH. That was my thought too, unless he has a brain tumor. I can’t see any other explanation for this outburst/assault.

  27. Sarah P. November 26, 2018 at 7:32 pm #

    Hi All,

    Sorry to hijack the post. I have not been on email for a week (for all who email me my EAJ address) and I see reading this there is a lot going on.

    Rose and anyone else planning on leaving… there are some huge statistics around domestic violence. Rose’s husband’s actions place him squarely in the category of someone who could act out with deadly force.

    Here are some statistics… these are NOT my opinion and have nothing to do with how I see the world or my personal politics as an individual:

    Here are the facts…

    The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.

    Domestic victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior.

    Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries.

    Physical, mental, and sexual and reproductive health effects have been linked with intimate partner violence including adolescent pregnancy, unintended pregnancy in general, miscarriage, stillbirth, intrauterine hemorrhage, nutritional deficiency, abdominal pain and other gastrointestinal problems, neurological disorders, chronic pain, disability, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as well as noncommunicable diseases such as hypertension, cancer and cardiovascular diseases. Victims of domestic violence are also at higher risk for developing addictions to alcohol, tobacco, or drugs.

    Source:

    https://ncadv.org/statistics

    A link to domestic abuse in the over 55/yo population:

    https://www.speakcdn.com/assets/2497/abuse_in_later_life.pdf

    Okay here is something I am aware of but I am unable to locate. Rose has mentioned she has several dogs. If a violent partner cannot get to their victim, the next best victim is their victim’s pet. For those who know me in person… I am CRAZY about animals. I love all animals. Spiders get put outside along with bees or may-flies. I use humane traps for rats and mice and relocate them far, far away into forested environments far away from humans where there are owls and everything is kept in balance as nature intended. (They are in balance with the natural ecosystem there).

    Okay, back to Rose’s dogs. Dogs are like furry humans to me and I have a feeling they are that way for Rose too because of some of the comments she has left in the comments section of other posts about her dogs.

    Rose, you need to plan for your dogs as well as yourself. Also, if your husband were to hurt you again, you can call the police, press charges, and have him removed from the home. That would allow you to have him out of the house so you can plan.

    Another statistic I remember, but cannot locate…. if an intimate partner has the ability to murder their victim, the most likely time for the murder to occur is when the victim is leaving. Unfortunately, I have experience with this. It happened both inside my family and outside. The people inside my family lived, the person who was the mom of someone I knew was killed on her way out. The murder of the mother of my friend happened 25 years ago in a European country. Places like France, Spain, and Italy are far behind in the education that is needed in terms of domestic partner violence.

    On the other hand, the Scandinavian countries are the most progressive and I highly admire the programs they have developed on behalf of women and children. All of us should look to Scandinavia as a model for how to do maternity leave correctly and how to support new moms while also educating children; they got that right.

    Back to the United States and Rose’s situation. Rose, you are in danger. I think you know that. It might be time to tell your daughter the whole story. It is also time to go underground with your activities. Do not give even the slightest hint that you are leaving. This will put your husband on alert. Also, I know you mentioned he is disabled, but if he can fight you and twist your arm and break open doors, he is not as disabled as you might believe. I would say it’s a spectrum. For example, my dad is housebound these days due to an injury he suffered as a young man that almost killed him. His spine and legs never healed correctly and old age has caught up with him. He has to walk very slowly with a walker and can get only for the house to the car and back. Otherwise he is on a motorized scooter. It seems that your husband has some loss of bodily function, but he can sure as heck put up a fight against you if he needs to. So while it is true he is disabled, if he is angry enough to do something, it appears he is able to do so.

    All of your safety planning is awesome. But, you need to find a place for you and your dogs before you leave. You need to set up restraining orders. Because if he leaves and finds you and there is no restraining order, you are in danger.

    There is a one-of-a-kind center that I am aware of in the Seattle area. I don’t know if these exist everywhere. But, it was built because a police chief killed his ex-wife in front of their children. I don’t know if they do phone visits, but it is a center where they have police officers, lawyers, and all kinds of volunteers to surround a woman when she plans her escape. Here is an article about it:

    https://q13fox.com/2018/04/25/a-monster-resided-within-domestic-violence-survivor-tells-her-story-of-escaping-abuser/

    In summary: you need a safe place for you and your dogs; you need a plan; you need restraining orders; you probably need an attorney.

    Finally… do you clear your cache? Your husband could be reading this website and could identify you based solely on the details in the comments. You need to ensure that you clear the cache, cookies, all browser history and temp files. But it is best to read this site only on your work computer.

    That goes for everyone who is in the midst of a violent relationship and seeking advice here. Abusers will comb through every piece of data they can get their hands on to plan a pre-emptive strike.

    Big hugs,
    Sarah

    • Rose November 27, 2018 at 12:08 pm #

      Sarah, you are right, I’d take a bullet for my dogs. But they will be okay for now. As I said my son is here with us, and he is up all night and sleeps during the day. Same for the dogs and they sleep on his bed in his closed room. So he’s up while I’m sleeping, which is good, and he would have no problem taking on his father. You are right—I guess he’s not that disabled. But if I were able to grab his left hand or step on his left foot, it would hurt. And probably make him angrier.
      My laptop and phone are double password-protected. The only thing he could do is take them to a shop and unlock them, but I’d be long gone by them, and he’s too cheap to do that. I do not use my work computer for anything but work, but no worries. I’m much more tech savvy than he is.
      It’s funny he said I smashed his phone. I thought about it yesterday. I threw it at him (soft landing) and it landed in the laundry (very soft landing). If it smashed, then he did it. Typical gaslighting.
      Not excuses but reasons: My job is here in one state, and I’m the rep. I can’t be too far from the city nor in another state. If I could, I’d go stay with my cousin in another state north who has a huge house and would give me the world if I asked. I have to be in stealth mode which is exactly what I’m doing. He’s putting up Christmas lights and smiling, even brought me coffee just now. I’ll play the game; I’m good at it.
      I found out I can take distributions from my almost non-existent IRA as of Sunday, when I’ll be 59-1/2. I bottomed it out last year when he faked his injury and we were scraping for money. The reason I can now put $$ into it, instead of opening a new account, is that he knows about the IRA (but not the acct # or pw), so it won’t look weird with $$ going into it from our checking account.
      I absolutely cannot tell my daughter any of this. Last night I told my son that I was sleeping upstairs until his father saw a psychiatrist, but I didn’t tell him any more. He just nodded his head. I feel pretty safe here with him around. My kids all experienced his rage throughout their lives. This is the first time he’s been physical though. My daughter has her hands full with her toddler (who my husband adores) and her own life. I will tell her someday but not right now. Now she is getting the fire safe for “safekeeping” along with a key. My clothes are in my work bag.
      More later…

  28. theresa December 2, 2018 at 7:17 pm #

    i don’t know what the trigger was. We were cutting down our christmas tree. It was a beautiful day, beautiful place, found the “perfect tree”.
    And up pops the question. How many times did I miss the red flags? How many times did I dismiss subtle warnings from those around me? How many times were there changes in our relationship dynamics? How many times did I trust too much? How many times did I not trust my gut?
    I did not try to figure the whys. For this time it was just about the whats.

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