The betrayed spouse unfairly carries the burden of living with the damage that someone else created.
By Sarah P.
This is the path that the betrayed spouse knows intimately. The betrayed spouse knows the agony. The betrayed spouse knows the buzzing insomnia. The betrayed spouse knows the bone deep pain. The betrayed spouse often cannot leave the path of bone deep pain, for they are shouldering the burden that someone else created.
Meanwhile, sometimes the wayward spouse and the other person, remain blissfully unaware. And if awareness starts to creep in, the wayward spouse often tends to push the awareness down by rewriting the narrative.
When this happens, it leaves the betrayed spouse, having to live through the damage others have done. The betrayed spouse unfairly carries the burden that was never theirs to carry.
They suffer for the crimes that other people committed. It’s as if a betrayed spouse is metaphorically put on death row, because an eyewitness to a crime scene picked the wrong mug shot.
This is a very bold statement and it’s intended to be a bold statement. For, the betrayed spouses of the world paid the penalty for crimes they never committed. The mind, the body, and the heart, of a betrayed spouse, pays for crimes that were committed by someone else.
Living With the Damage That Someone Else Created Through the Lens of the Legal System
In the legal system, if someone robs a bank, and they have an accomplice, both the bank robber and the accomplice serve jail time. The bank representative who was forced, under duress, to give the bank robber money, or worse, tied to a chair, does not go to jail. They were the victim of a crime that they did not choose and that could have cost them their life.
In this scenario, a betrayed spouse is like the bank teller, who was tied to a chair, and could do nothing about the crime being committed. Our justice system recognizes this and puts the bank robber and the accomplice in prison. In this example the legal system is fair.
The innocent person does not have to suffer jail time for a crime they never committed. The people who actually committed the crime go to jail.
Infidelity is like robbing the metaphorical marriage bank. All of the emotional ‘assets’ and everything in the bank vault is stolen. The betrayed spouse has no one to call for the crime of infidelity. While a betrayed spouse can call a therapist, they will never get justice. They will never be able to reclaim the stolen emotional assets and the thievery of love. The betrayed spouse will never be able to get justice for the bond which was broken. The betrayed spouse and the children of the betrayed spouse suffer for crimes they did not commit.
Meanwhile, the wayward spouse and the other person do not have to suffer for the crimes they committed against innocent people. Quite often the wayward spouse becomes so involved in their bliss, that they make excuses for the other person. There have been wayward spouses who have said to their betrayed spouses that the other person is actually a good person and quite likable.
The Frog in the Pot Syndrome: When Your Nice Spouse Can Become Your Worst Nightmare
My opinion is that such statements are both deeply insulting and extremely hurtful for a betrayed spouse to hear. The fact of the matter is, truly good people do not have affairs, with people they know are married. It doesn’t matter if a wayward spouse says they are unhappy. The other person always has a choice. The other person can look within themselves and ask themselves if they want to be the agent of destruction in the lives of others. If the other person chooses to be the agent of destruction, in the lives of innocent people, this is diametrically opposed to the definition of what it means to be a good person.
A truly good person is always a good person whether or not someone else is looking. A good person has unshakable integrity and this integrity guides their decisions. Sure, sometimes good people find other people attractive. Sometimes good people happen to meet attractive people who are married. At this point, a good person, must choose if they will stand by their integrity and take measures to avoid an affair. Many good people have been tempted. But the good people I know, who have been tempted, remove themselves from a situation before it has an opportunity to begin.
Some say that if a good person is in the same workplace as the married person they find to be attractive, there is no way to avoid the person they find to be attractive. If this is the case, a good person can still take preventative measures. They can ensure that they never have meetings alone with this person. They can ensure that they only talk about business. They can avoid this person. Even if this person is on the same team, they can put boundaries in place to prevent themselves from having an affair.
But My Betrayed Spouse Never Folded the Laundry Correctly!
I have been doing this work for years. I have witnessed the most bogus excuses for infidelity. Some wayward spouses are so invested in blaming their betrayed spouse, that they will claim they had an affair because the betrayed spouse did not fold the laundry correctly or did not mow the lawn often enough.
If somebody is truly unhappy in their marriage, the answer is marriage counseling. If they are still unhappy, then a person should seek individual counseling for their own issues. Still, if they remain unhappy, they should separate from their spouse and wait until they are fully divorced to even think about meeting another person.
If a person divorces because they have their mind set on someone they already know, this is not a place where a strong future marriage can be built. For marriages to succeed, they must start off with a solid foundation. Ideally, people meet when they are both completely single and get to know one another. If one person is in a relationship and the other person is not, this is not a recipe for a good marriage. For it started with deceit. If you want something to end well, it must also begin well.
“How Could You?” – The Psychology of Justifications, Rationalizations and Excuses for Infidelity
What Betrayed Spouses Can Do
It’s understandable that some betrayed spouses would really like to protect the reputation of a wayward spouse. However, if a wayward spouse is doing outrageous things, it is not a betrayed spouse’s job to protect the reputation of someone who is hurting them.
If you want your wayward spouse to stop having an affair, the pleasure they get from the affair must be diminished and replaced with extreme pain. Most people will not stop doing something that is pleasurable to them when there are no painful consequences.
They say we teach people how to treat us. This adage is absolutely true even when it comes to infidelity. Being nice to a wayward spouse and protecting them from consequences, will simply train a wayward spouse to keep having affairs. A wayward spouse must suffer consequences that are so painful, that the pain of their actions, exceeds any pleasure they get from their actions.
Also, some betrayed spouses believe they must be a martyr for the sake of the family. Martyrdom is a nice concept, in theory, but when it comes to infidelity, martyrdom is a form of codependence.
Some betrayed spouses believe they are taking the high road by protecting the reputation of their wayward spouse. Sure, protecting the reputation of a wayward spouse might be taking the high road. But, if you want your wayward spouse to stop having an affair, taking the high road will not cause your wayward spouse to stop having an affair. Your wayward spouse is taking the low road when they have an affair. If they observed that you are taking the high road, they feel a sense of security. This sense of security allows a wayward spouse to prolong an affair. For once again, there are no consequences. The wayward spouse is getting everything they want from the other person and everything they want from you, the betrayed spouse. There is no motivation for a wayward spouse to stop having an affair, let alone change.
Betrayed spouses of the world…Life is not fair. However, you have total control over your decisions and your actions. If your wayward spouse is sitting on the fence, if your wayward spouse is introducing your children to the other person, you have a choice in how you respond. You may want to get your extended family involved and let them know that your wayward spouse is introducing your children to his or her affair partner. Any family member in their right mind, would not be okay with this.
Some people believe they need to shield their children from their spouse’s affair. Children are smarter than you think. Children are always listening even when you think they are not. Children often see more clearly than adults. Children know when infidelity is occurring, even if they pretend they don’t know.
A Quick Story…
There was a woman who had a high paying job and they decided that her husband would stay home and raise their twins. The husband was a stay-at-home father. They live in a suburb full of houses that were close together. The stay-at-home father became friends with a stay-at-home mother. The stay-at-home father and the stay-at-home mother would often have sexual encounters when children were around. They believed the children were too young to know what was going on.
One day, the children approached their mother and told her that their father was kissing the woman next door. This working mother confronted her husband and he said that their children were lying. He was so convincing that this working mother believed it. The children never got over what they witnessed and one of the children committed suicide as a teenager by overdosing on drugs. The suicide note stated that this child had been so harmed by witnessing his father’s affair, and being called a liar, that he no longer wanted to live. Unfortunately, this teenager succeeded in committing suicide. In this case, sweeping it under the rug caused the suicide of a child.
So, if you are a parent and you believe you are protecting your children by keeping them in the dark, your intentions are good. However, children and teens know the truth and I fully believe it’s better to acknowledge that they know the truth and to get them therapy. I do not want to witness another teen committing suicide, over the affair of the parent. I have witnessed it happen several times, and it is one of the most horrendous experiences in the world.
Find a therapist for your child and ask the therapist to partner with you on how to talk about the affair with your child. Allow your child to process the affair with the therapist. You don’t need to be in the room with your child and the therapist during these sessions, but the bottom line is your child needs to process the affair. Children believe everything is their fault even when logic shows otherwise. This is why it’s essential to hire an excellent therapist for your child. Hiding things and sweeping things under the rug can cause so much damage to your child. So, I beg of you to get professional help.
It’s really terrible that betrayed spouses and children have to bear the burden of another person’s selfish actions. As I have said before, the world is not fair. But your power comes from knowing that you have a choice. Your power comes from knowing that you can make your own decisions. Your power comes from knowing that you can do what is best for you and your children. Be your own advocate and be the advocate of your children. Do not give in to your wayward spouse especially if they try to threaten or intimidate you. Stand your ground, respect yourself, and know that your wayward spouse is having an affair because they are deeply broken inside.
Try Not to Take the Affair Personally
Why?
Many betrayed spouses feel as if their wayward spouse is running away from them. But I have found wayward spouses are running towards their affair partner because they are diving into their own dysfunction. Many people have affairs due to unresolved dysfunction within themselves.
It’s not about you. It’s not about how you fold the laundry. It’s not about if you mow the lawn. It’s not about if you are older. It’s not about how you dress. It’s not about the way you wear makeup or don’t wear makeup. It’s not about the money you make.
People who have affairs do so because there is something wrong with them. And because there is something wrong with them, they need somebody else to blame. For they cannot face their own demons, so they make the betrayed spouse the bad person in this situation. Do not buy into this narrative. You did not cause it. You did not create it.
Your wayward spouse would have ended up doing this even if they married somebody else. Infidelity starts from within a person. It starts from within due to their own brokenness. You cannot fix the brokenness of another person. You can love a broken person so unconditionally and so purely and they will still have an affair.
If you blame yourself, please stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you have been doing things right because you have remained loyal throughout this horrendous experience. You are the hero in this situation.
I wish you well. This is not your burden to carry. You are magnificent, glorious, and a real hero for holding your family together. Give yourself a pat on the back for being the rock in this terrible storm. Give yourself credit for being the glue when no one else is.
Above all, try not to clean up the messes that others created. It’s not your job. If a person messes up, it’s their job to do their own damage control. Do not protect their reputation. Do not make excuses for them. For these are enabling behaviors and it’s not good for either of you.
You will get through this. It’s always darkest before the dawn and you will get through this. I am living proof that people can get through this. And you too will get through this. For if you look deeply within yourself, you will likely find strength that you never knew you had. Be gentle with yourself for you are innocent.
The best thing you can do for yourself is find a therapist for your children, for yourself, and practice self-care. Do not blame yourself, for you did not choose this.
23 replies to "Living With the Damage That Someone Else Created "
Its been One year and 11 months since my husband had an affair and I still had trigers and I still can not forgive my husband! I know that I will never forget this, but when can I be free of trigers and intrusives thoughts? Can I ever be able to forgive him? We are together and he say that I am the love of his life, but I cannot understand why this happened and he still tell me that he don’t know why this happened! The affair begin with a one night stand in a party that I didn’t attend because of the flu, but continue for 3 months with only telephone calls, because the other woman lives in another country, however he calls her 2 or 3 times a day! We have been married for 35 years and this is the first time that this happens!
Hi Maria I’m 21 months since DD and still have triggers although not so much now.when I have a bad day it’s horrendous and I go over every thought,every conversation, ever answer then it passes.we have been married for 50years and as far as I know this is the first time but his affair lasted nearly 4 years before I found out and she was supposed to be a friend!! I have forgiven him but unfortunately I don’t trust him nor her probably never will now and that makes me so sad that they have done that to me. I believe he loves me and is sorry for what he did. I don’t always get the answers I want he won’t talk about it now.says he’s told me everything. I still have the dread that it will start again but that is the trust issue I have.im not going to let this ruin the rest of our lives we have too many happy memories and years together to do that.i hope as time goes by I won’t think about it so much .I hope this is the same for you from everything I’ve learnt sbout infidelity this last 21 months abd believe me it’s a lot.
Soni suggest you read as much as you can as Sarah says knowledge is power .look after yourself. I do believe it’s not our fault as I once did. To be totally honest I think my husband and his bitch were so selfish they only thought of themselves and not one iota about the consequences of their actions. And by the way I told her husbsnd about the affair the day after I found out because I felt she had f….. my.life so I would do the same to her and it did. That gave me a little satisfaction.
All the best to you. Keep going jennet
If he says you’re the love of his life, he has no business calling her. He’s disrespecting you by doing that.
Hello Maria,
I am so sorry you are going through this. If he is still having telephone calls? Did I read that correctly, that he still talks to her each day?
If he is in contact with her , he is STILL having an affair..
I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong when my husband told me about his affair. I knew it was his problem and he even admitted it was his problem, yet he didn’t feel he needed therapy, he didn’t need to talk about it. It was over and he was ready to “move on”. I did get him to go to therapy with me for 4 sessions, then he decided it was a waste of money. It was a waste because he had his mantra of what he would say regarding the affair and nothing else. No progress was made because he was good with how things were at the time. The therapist was happy we were together and acting married, so she didn’t push him and acted like we were doing well. I found another therapist for myself who helped me get more grounded and functioning better. She made me realize I was strong enough to do what felt right for me since he had no intentions of even working on US recovering, he was happy with the status quo. He was getting what he wanted, which came down to us being together so it looked like we were happily married and he was a good guy, the truth and facts didn’t matter. After a year and a half of his complacency I filed for divorce and he acted shocked, hurt, totally blindsided. His reaction said volumes. He was happy not working on us and having things his way without paying the consequences for his affair, lying, exscuses etc. For me it was the smartest thing I had done since I married him. I now have a life that is not filled with lies or concern for my health. I come back to this sight sometimes to see how others that were here when I was hurting so bad are doing now. The more people I see here from that time have my sympathy as many are still going through the same things they were then. It assures me that my choice of divorce was the right thing to do.
Hello SeentheLight,
I am really glad to hear that you are thriving after your divorce. It seems divorce was and is the right choice for you deserve better.
Are the papers complete? How long have you been divorced? And how does your ex act now?
Yes, papers were complete Nov 2015. I have moved several hundred miles away and have established a life I am glad to have. My ex has tried to contact me now and then, but I don’t answer the phone. He contacts my sister now and then. It sounds like he tries to get updates on me through her. I’ve asked her not to tell him anything about me. We never had children, so that made everything easier to do and start out with no ties elsewhere.
Sarah this post was spot on and covers much of what we discuss in the Tuesday group, As I have shared in the group my husband is happily in la la land with an exit high school devil. Great article.
Hi Wendy,
Care to let readers know what your husband has been up to and how you have handled it? Wendy you have handled your situation fantastically well and have made great strides in healing. What is your favorite affair recovery book for those who are struggling?
On a side note…
What always surprises me is when the other woman knows there is a wife, and a family, and still plows forward with the veracity of the Terminator.
Hi I am happy to share my story. My husband of 37 years rekindled a friendship of his high school friend 3 years ago. The friend reached out to me because her husband is a terminal cancer and wanted to see if it was ok to reach my husband as he is an oncologist for help. My husband jumped at the opportunity to be her savior and help the husband. She had ulterior motives and the husband has since passed away. She became too friendly and violated all marriage boundaries with my husband and he welcomed this as said she was his best friend. He had depression issues that she somehow helped him with.
She is on the west coast and we are on the east. He went to visit her last January after getting his covid vax. I became aware of this being an EA then.
We have since separated as he was not willing to end his contact with her. He told my kids she was hurt 40’years ago when we got together and he couldn’t hurt her again. He couldn’t risk losing her. I told him it was me or her. He chose not to end things and I told him if he didn’t I would go off and restart my life. This is where I am now. Sarah’s group and EmpowerME program and the advice of Doug have been extremely helpful. I share my journey in the affair recovery library. You can read if you are a member.
Hello Wendy:
Good to hear from you. Much respect for refusing to be the third wheel in your own marriage! What a load of malarkey your H is dishing up to justify his asinine behavior. There were reasons his “relationship” with her ended 40 years ago. He chose you, correct? Your marriage worked great until she reappeared. Suddenly she became the one that got away. He became the knight in shining armor redeeming his long lost love. Hogwash. Rewriting the history of your life together to suit his current agenda seems cowardly to me. Glad you are restarting your life without him in it.
To piggyback on Sarah P’s side note, High School sweetie must be a disordered person. She certainly is a piece of work.
Your situation reminds me of a similar situation in my circle of extended acquaintances – folks I knew in college. Not sure how helpful this story will be, but I’m sharing it anyways. A little dishing about disordered OW can’t hurt LOL.
A few years back it came out that a woman in the periphery of my circle was having an EA (followed by PA) with the H of one of my college GFs. While her husband was fighting and then dying from cancer. This destroyed my friend’s marriage, and the exH didn’t end up with the OW. I never cared for this OW. There was something off about her. I only stayed “in touch” with her via FaceBook. Her FaceBook page was all about her. Lot’s of selfies to get ego kibble “you look great!” “Beautiful! Kiss kiss” that kind of crap. No mention of her H of 20 years, photos of them together, etc. After her H died he got more FaceBook air time than he ever did while he was alive! OW suddenly posted all kinds of deep thoughts about him “love, marriage, character” etc. etc. Losing a mate would be horrible, and I don’t want to minimize this. But I swear she was using her dead H as a device to garner ego kibble “You’e a warrior!” “You are strong. Kiss Kiss.” She even posted a photo of their dog sitting near the door “waiting for XXX to come home.” The whole time she’s deep in an A with another man! Nothing says “I cherish the memories of the time we had together” than sleeping with another woman’s H. Or lining up your H’s successor while he is dying a slow and painful death. Or assuaging your grief by jumping right into another relationship! While she was taking “long walks on the beach to get over XXX’s passing” she was busy taking extended visits in my friend’s city to spend clandestine time with my friend’s H. OW was fancy free with dead H’s money so she could now travel to enable the A. Long story short, things didn’t work out the way OW planned. After the A was outed she was ostracized by the extended group. Don’t know what she’s up to. Don’t care.
Anyway, it’s heartening when one of us stands up for themselves and refuses to put up with BS from a betraying partner the way you have. Stay strong! You’re a powerful inspiration to us BS.
Sarah, you’ve described our situation, once again, to a tee. It’s a club no one ever wants to belong to and the irony is it always seems as if the betrayed carry the enormous load. And the load doesn’t shift much between each betrayed spouse as our stories are all so similar. I’m five years out in a 35 year marriage and although much improved it’s never far from my mind. And triggers still happen. My marriage has survived thus far with the grace of God, lots of self reflection and counseling. I do not subscribe to marriage can be better after an affair, rather marriage and people will be different. I now have what I call a 70% relationship that works with boundaries and the acceptance that my life can shift on a dime. Trust is truly never restored. My counselor helped me to work with this plan and so far it’s my best coping mechanism. Life throws curveballs at us and it’s our responsibility to navigate them. Take each day as it comes and live my best life because I cannot change yesterday. Sincere blessings to everyone in our club. My heart knows your pain.
Hi Been There, Done That,
I am so sorry you have had to go through this too.
When you are triggered, what do you do to stop a trigger? Can you offer advice to readers on how you are getting through it? 🙏🙏
Sarah, it is like you have been living in our house. My DD was 5 months ago and in the beginning he really was in the fog of the affair. Admitted to having feelings for her and told me not only that ‘she was a good person’, but how she was better than me in so many ways. Now occasionally [thanks to a couple of calls w Doug) he will admit that it was a huge mistake, tell me how sorry he is and that he wants to repair the damage he caused to me and our adult sons. Because our youngest one saw them together multiple times, was introduced to her and was lied to about who she was. But most days, he says he just wants to ‘turn the page and move on’, that I need to get over this because it has been 5 months already and is the only way we will have a chance to be together and save our 35 year marriage, and because the guilt I make him feel when I want to talk about it is eating him up.
I have not tried to save his reputation. We are now living apart – his choice in the first few days following DD when he wanted to keep seeing her. When people ask what is going on with us I include her name and say if anyone asks she was the third person in our marriage for two years that I didn’t know about.
I ran in to her the other day in my neighborhood. Recognized her from her FB posts that documented their affair. She was with a group of her friends in the park. I walked up to her and introduced myself. (Her jaw dropping is something that gives me great satisfaction) Told her (quite loudly which I am now a little embarrassed about) that her affair with my husband ruined my life and to quit trying to steal other women’s husbands. I guess in a way I gave back some of the burden and shame that I have been unwillingly carrying. But instead of making me feel better, it has made me very angry. Because I wish I would have said more to her. Like how I had to get tested because of their affair. Or how my son won’t speak to his father. Or how our once super close family has fallen apart. And that she was knowingly complicit in that devastation and she is definitely not a good person. I lifted my load about an ounce. But I still have hundreds of pounds weighing me down.
Does this burden and shame ever go away? Thank you.
Hi Nyca,
I am so sorry about what you have gone though. The burden is so hard and it’s not yours to carry.
Unfortunately, life isn’t fair. I am glad you confronted the OW in the park.
I hope your husband realizes how hurtful it is that he said she was allegedly a good person and allegedly that she was sometimes also allegedly better than you. That’s that affair fog talking, but I still hope your husband comes to realize the pain he put you through.
I found out about my husband’s affair through many different people but because I have never caught them physically together my husband will always deny it At first he sorta of admitted to it but then changed his mind It has been two years and he is still with her. I had a real hard time adjusting to it and have not been verbally nice to him. The lady lost her kid I don’t know when and my husband and her have been seeing each other for 15 years She had a little girl not to long ago she is not my husband’s but I know he wants her to have his baby. I turned very sick on finding all this info out and quit working I cannot move out please help what do I do I live with excruciating pain because of them. My marriage has died as I had died inside with much physical problems
Hi Sandy,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Is there a way to leave the marriage? It appears staying in a marriage where he won’t break it off, is causing you to pay a high price in terms of your well-being. Can you move in with family members?
I am really ill because of all this. I died in my heart my mind went totally crazy just trying to be able to handle it I am pretty sick. I tryed to leave and got real sick.i felt more better being in our home. Which in the end I realized he was fixing up for her in what she wanted. He really was in love with her not me .I don’t know what I am going to do. I am going to see if a job will help me get my life back to homeostasis . He verbally lies n tells me the opposite and he is a man of God which even more has made me more confused now than ever about God.
Hello All,
Soon you will be seeing blog posts about PTSD as it relates to affairs, how to heal from PTSD caused by affairs, and some new programs ahead. So, stay tuned. I choose to do this work because I deeply believe in it and also care tremendously about the well-being of anyone experiencing betrayal. I have been betrayed and it is a horrific experience. I know first hand the insomnia, the sense of being shattered, the anxiety, the triggers, and the pain that often alludes mere words. 🙏
Hi,
My first post here. This article was great. I found out about an affair my wife had 3 years ago for 6 months when the other persons wife reached out to me. My wife denied the affair but did admit to two lunches with him. This made me check phone records and found her having another affair the last 6 months. Calling him 10 times a day. She still won’t admit anything happened that they were “just friends” but I had tracked her going to places she shouldn’t be and recorded a conversation they had where she said “if I can be with you in your birthday I am at least kissing you”. She claims they are just words and if I knew there friendship it would make sense. Since the day I found out about this new affair she was in touch with him for at least 6 weeks before it seems to have ended. She even got a burner phone for a few weeks to keep it going before I caught that. We are 17 years married with 4 kids. It is killing me and I think based on this article I need to make this painful for her. Right now she is acting normal and hasn’t been punished at all for what happened. I have lost a ton of weight and can’t get over it.
Hearing all your heart breaking stories, yes we are a club. Not a club we would EXCLUSIVELY like to join but we are here non the less and heart warming that we have each other to talk to and everyone understands the intense pain and feelings that we go through. I am 16 months in and the main thing with me is anger and resentment, secondary emotions fuelled by hurt. I suppose I just cannot accept that the man who I believed truly loved me could do this to me and put me on such a pedestal, to knock me off it with somebody so worthless. I so struggle with that. However, if she had have been beautiful I would have struggled with that even more.
I think what I am trying to say to you all is that the many traumas I have faced in life there has always been closure. I moved on because I gave up. I decided I would stay in this marriage, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life. You need the strength of Hercules and the courage of a lion. Each day everyone, as we know is very painful but somehow we get through. We also get through because of beautiful people like you, who inspire us and help us in such very dark and difficult times. My whole HEART goes out to each and every one of you because I know what pain you are going through. Together, we will come through this whole horrible mess and yes, I believe time is the healer and we all need to take our own time. Look after yourselves everyone, total respect to you all.
My friend had a frustrating experience and turned it into a positive one. She knew her then-boyfriend wasn’t ready for a relationship, but she pursued it anyway. Some time in he called out his ex’s name in his dreams, more than once. She knew it was time to move on. Her song is a beautiful testament to honesty in body and MIND. The song is for anyone who needs help to gather her strength like my friend did.