Since it’s Memorial Day weekend and we’re once again on the road for a soccer tournament, graduation parties, and just spending some much needed down-time, we thought we would post this article from Ruth Houston that has some ideas for getting the cheating spouse to tell the truth after the affair.

Hopefully, you can get some benefit from it!

Here’s the article:

How to Get a Cheater to Tell You the Truth About His Affair

By Ruth Houston

If you have solid proof that your spouse or significant other is cheating on you, most experts agree that you should confront him about the affair.

You need to get as much information as possible about the affair so you can make an intelligent decision about what to do.  But it won’t be an easy task.

Since liars cheat and cheaters lie, you probably won’t get the truth – at least not the first time around.

Listed below are 5 things you can expect when you question the cheater about his affair, and a few suggestions on how to go about getting him to open up and tell you the truth.

How the Cheater May React to Being Questioned about the Affair

When you confront your spouse or significant other about his infidelity, there are 5 things you can expect.

Anger – He may get angry at you for daring to question him about the affair.  He may also get angry with himself at himself for getting caught, or get angry with the person, or persons he suspects of telling you about the affair.

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Defensiveness – He may try to blame you for his affair, or make try to make you think it’s your fault that he cheated.

Diversionary Tactics – He may try to make you feel guilty for spying on him or for asking him about the affair, or accuse you of being jealous.  He may also try to turn the tables by accusing you of cheating on him.

Lies – He may lie to you for one or more of the reasons discussed in the article entitled “9 Reasons a Cheater Will Lie About His Affair.”

Silence – He may simply clam up and refuse to talk about the affair, at all.


The Best Way to Get the Cheater to Tell You the Truth

Before you can make an intelligent decision about how to handle the matter, you need to get as much information as possible from the cheater about the affair.

Although you may have gathered considerable evidence on your own and already know a great deal about his affair, you make still need additional information from him to fill in the blanks.

The suggestions below will help you get the cheater to open up and tell you the truth about his affair.  Once you understand the full scope of the situation, you’ll have a better idea of what course of action to take.

  • Choose a time and place to have the conversation where you won’t be interrupted or overheard.
  • Question the cheater in a non-threatening manner, and calmly ask him what you want to know.
  • Try to make the cheater see that it’s to his advantage to tell you the truth.
  • Let him know that the consequences of lying to you be far worse than telling you the truth.
  • Tell him you’re trying to understand his feelings, and make some sense of what has occurred.
  • Be patient with him, and encourage him to open up and tell you the truth.
  • Keep in mind that ranting, raving, shouting, screaming, cursing, or name-calling will have the opposite effect and will only produce negative results.
  • Realize that it may take several conversations before he’ll come clean about the affair.
  • When he does start talking, listen carefully and calmly to what he has to say, no matter how angry, outraged, or hurt you may feel.
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And If He Still Won’t Talk

Don’t become discouraged, angry or frustrated if he doesn’t open up right away. Try again at a later date.

If he continues to lie, or if he clams up, consider enlisting the services of a marriage counselor trained in dealing with infidelity to help draw him out.


Ruth Houston is a New York-based infidelity expert who is frequently called on by the media to comment on high profile infidelity and popular infidelity issues in the news. She is the founder of , the author of “Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs” and publishes the Infidelity News and Views blog.



    6 replies to "Getting the Cheating Spouse to Tell the Truth"

    • Norwegian woman

      He certainly has been through alle the five reactions. And I have tried all the suggestions. He has told me much, but I really don`t think that I will ever get the whole truth. There still are things that doesn`t fit the map. Some of it is just to stupid to believe. F. eks. Through a year, after the hotel night, they only met once for coffe in another town. The only contact was by mail and phone…… They live in the same town. They had numorous occations to meet, but never did. Ha ha.
      There are lots of things that doesn`t match….
      And only some weeks ago, after insisting for 1 1/2 year that he did not have any contact with his EA-partner whatsoever after he called her to quit, he admitted that he called her a week after d-day to tell her what he supposedly already had told her that “last” time.
      So I give up and realize that I will never get to the truth. I can never trust him.

    • Melvin

      Thanks for this Doug. My counselor, for the most part, reiterated most of these points. And this really worked for me. The tip that was most beneficial for me was this: ” When he does start talking, listen carefully and calmly to what he has to say, no matter how angry, outraged, or hurt you may feel. ” Not badgering her after she answered was key. It is almost like you are interviewing the CS.

    • infidelity rage

      My husband did exactly described in this post when I confronted him. I had to prove it by catching him at a hotel with her…..

    • Ann

      My CHThought It Was Just Fine To Rent A bedroom Out Of 3 From An Unmarried Female. Told The Family It Was An Old Woman.The First Month They Were Watching ThE Voice And Drinking Wine Once A Week, By Two Months He Took Her On An All Day Sailing Date That He Did Not Tell Me About Because He Knew I Would Protest And He ” Wanted To Do What He Wanted To Do”. More intrusive Texts From HE With Non Of Her Business Questions Which He Answered. Then He Sent A Talking Video By 4 Months. More Returned Calls To Her And Answering Irrelevant Texts. By 6 Month They Got Drunk On His Last Night There And She Offered ” No Strings Attached Sex”. Since He Was Drunk,
      He Said He Responded Somewhat Cause She Repeatedly Asked 6 Times. After All
      The Sexy Talk He Was Very Confused And
      Considered Having An Affair Whenever He
      Went Once A Month To The Other city. She
      Got Very Toxic When He Said ,; I Don’t
      Know Where This Is going?”. He Also
      Stupidly Took Her To An Expensive Dinner
      And Have Her As Piece If Art, Even Though
      They Were ” Just Friends”. Look Where It
      Ended Up. Erosion Leads To Corrosion
      Which Leads To Personal Disintegration. A
      Though With Excuses Leads To More
      Thinking Which Eventually Leads To An
      Action.STOP entertaining The Thought, And The Action Will Not Follow.

    • Barry Lucas

      Why is the article all HE. Women cheat too


        You’re correct. Women are just as much pigs as men… Perhaps more so.
        I thought women used to have moral codes.
        Don’t go after another women’s husband , even if he willing..
        I don’t understand, how either can excuse , screwing around with another person’s spouse.
        Tell you they love you , never stopped, all the while they are telling the one they cheating with , they love them.
        There is NO EXCUSE.
        It seems they have all their fun , while talking dirty , dirty texting, masturbating, meeting at hotel, talking about “Would you ever leave your wife”!
        Talking intimate details of our family , marriage to a scant ass whore he met on line.
        What did they lose…. NOTHING.
        I ask for details , and I am still getting , bits & pieces.
        Why do they get a safe place / environment to declose THEIR Infidelities.
        I didn’t receive a safe place and time to absorb his screwing around..
        Sick of their selfish ways and dishonesty.
        They didn’t think twice about diving into having fun outside their marriage , why do we have to wait for truth!!

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