One of the many questions that face the victim of an extramarital affair is whether or not to confront the other person.
By Linda & Doug
We’ve done a few posts on the topic of confronting the other person in the past, along with including a question or two in a few of our surveys and the responses from readers always seems to be a mixed bag.
Looking at past responses it’s clear that about 60% of our readers had indeed confronted the other person after an affair in a variety of ways. The preferred method of contact was by phone, with texting being the second most popular method.
In many instances, the affair victim knew their spouse’s affair partner personally, which we can only construe to mean that it made it a little easier for them to confront.
It was a mixed bag as to whether or not the confrontation did any real good in the overall scheme of things.
While most of the victim’s spouses were upset that they confronted their affair partner, and actually did more harm than good to their relationship, many of the victims indicated that the confrontation was a positive factor when it came to their own sense of empowerment and self-esteem. It was a great form of release for them and made them feel better, albeit perhaps only temporarily.
On the other side of the coin, many victims commented that they saw no need to confront the other person as they felt it would do them no good both personally and in their relationships.
This post was more or less prompted by an email that we received last Friday from Dr. Robert Huizenga, author of Break Free from the Affair, who has done some research on confronting the other person. In the past, he had concluded that typically confronting the other person was not a good idea. Now, he’s not so sure. Read the article below where Bob provides a case study.
Should you confront the other person?
By Dr. Bob Huizenga
I’ve done some research on this very topic. I have around 200 case studies of real people facing infidelity telling their stories of confronting the other person and am in the middle of gleaning words of wisdom.
When I initially began this research I assumed confronting the other person would be a no win situation – that it would merely stir a messy pot that would overflow and the situation would be worse than before.
Now, I’m not so sure.
Here’s a case study.
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
I called her the day after I confirmed the affair and confronting my husband (cell phone records). I left her a nice message saying that I was his wife, we had been together 16 years, had 2 young kids, I was a recent cancer survivor and that I would like her to leave us alone. I never got a response from her but my husband said she felt bad about it and they weren’t talking anymore (yeah right!). About a month later I confirmed it was ongoing and called her with my husband in the room. I wasn’t nice and told her to back off or I would let her husband know (he had no idea) and also her job (high ranking gov. attorney). She tried to tell me it wasn’t her fault….my marriage was disintegrating and there was nothing I could do about it….she knew we had two small kids and she thought they were beautiful since she has seen so many pictures!! She was horrible and cruel and didn’t care at all. All I did was add fuel to the fire when I contacted her. When we hung up she sent me a text message saying: Me single is your worst nightmare! Better think twice before you make any calls!!! I didn’t respond.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
The affair continued and only got stronger. I kicked my husband out of the house 2 months after that call. He is still out of the house and it’s been almost 2 years! She lives 5 hours away (always has). He lives close to me and the kids. We are still married with no talk of divorce. The other woman is in the process of a messy divorce. To top it all off she gave birth to a daughter several months ago and DNA proves it belongs to my husband. It’s a hard situation but we are trying to make the best of it all. We have not told our children (8 and 10). He has contact with the child and other woman but claims it’s just for the child. They fight all the time and she sends me nasty text messages and hang up calls. She thrives on the drama. I never respond….that is what she wants and I refuse to engage her petty, high school antics. All this from a very high ranking state employed attorney!!!!!!!! Come to find out she suffers from depression/panic/anxiety and is on meds. I’m still charging ahead and hanging in there. I haven’t lost hope.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
Yes, I would do it differently. I would never have contacted her. I wouldn’t have kicked my husband out of the house. I would have held my cards much closer to my chest. I’ve never contacted or talked to her husband and I wouldn’t change that…I feel if I had contacted him in the beginning instead of her they would have been divorced a long time ago. The second he found out he filed…I think he was glad to be rid of her and finally had reason. My husband has confessed to me recently that she had affairs with 3 other men (in a 3 year time span) before she met him and her husband still has no idea!! This was my husbands only affair. I thought we had a great, stable marriage. I honestly think my illness is what set things off. So, I’d advise others to never contact the other person…..you never know what you will get. I just ending up adding fuel to the fire and extending the drama. Exactly what the other woman thrives on!!
Listen to Linda Talk about Confrontation
Almost four years ago Linda was involved in a webinar with Dr. Huizenga and we were able to record the session. In addition to discussing the confrontation issue, Linda and Dr. Huizenga also talked about several other subjects:
- Linda’s initial thoughts, feelings and emotions just after D-day.
- Dr Huizenga sites the characteristics of an emotional affair.
- Why it’s risky in an emotional affair to confront the OP.
- What questions to ask yourself before you confront the OP.
- What types of affairs lend themselves to confrontation.
- How to get past constantly asking questions of the cheating spouse.
- Learn how Linda uses self-talk to help her move past the difficult aspects of the emotional affair.
You can listen to the audio recording by clicking the play button below, or you can click this link to download it to your computer.
As usual, we’d like to hear your views on confrontation in the comment section below. Should you confront the other person? Did you confront the OP? If so, what was the result. If you did not confront the OP, what was your reasoning for not doing so?
As Bob hinted at in his email, it appears there may be more to come from him on the subject. You can check out his site for more information when it is made available.
89 replies to "Should You Confront the Other Person?"
Not all affair partners are psychopaths like the one in the story above thankfully. Most of them don’t really want anything to do with you, primarily (in the case if the women) cause you dont have a penis they can use to drag you around by, lol.
Haha! Love you, Giz!
So very true. I confronted my husbands affair partner and wish I had not. It made things way worse. I should have contacted her defacto husband, because he didn’t have a clue what was going on.
I did confront the ow, I did see her a couple of times, while she was with my h, but and did give her some choice words, but it was the text messages I sent her that made me get a lot off of my chest, and was hoping that I would be able to get to the better person of her, the mother side of her, to have her back away so my children did not end up in a broken home.
Yet in all honesty, it was pointless, I think the more I asked her to back off the more she pursued.
The more she would cause trouble. So I didn’t contact her anymore, and hoped that she would back off thinking I didn’t care anymore. Still hasn’t stopped her, yet it has died down as far as I know.
I obliquely confronted – I had my husband send her a letter stating that he had come clean with me and that she had a new York minute to tell her h or that he would be notified. She wasn’t happy. After another too- familiar email was sent by her (my h is her boss) I sent the other h a note saying she was not communicating professionally – one of the 10000 emails she wrote had been sent from her h acct, so I had his email – not sure if he received it, but “he” and the ow responded. I think she intercepted frankly. the tone of my note was calm and informational, no emotion and very short. I didn’t ask for anything, I just thought he should be aware and that if he preferred to never hear from me again, he would not.
I felt like I had control – I have no desire to speak directly to her, I’ll direct any concerns I have to her h. They got together after she cheated on her first h, so she has a history. I’m not going to have a conversation with stupid. She’s a mother of 4, a therapist who works in a field where boundaries are a big deal. Seriously.
I’m glad I contacted the h and that he was made aware on my terms, not hers. If he ever needs to reach out to me, he can – I have a pile of printouts that would be quite eye opening to him. But then again, her first h was his brother(yes), so I’m pretty sure we aren’t dealing with mental giants here. Cue the dueling banjos.
Now the blue collar scrappy chick in me has fantasized about bumping into her, as you can all imagine, but Ive seen her once, and she’s a mousy, dirty pillowcase mouth breather, so there’s no win to be had. My age, not attractive or smart, not polished and very abrasive. I’m more pissed that such a nothing I’ve met once has made an impact on my well being. That’s my challenge.
Has anyone else noticed a theme with some of the ow, there seems to be a few that like to keep it within the family. Whether it be father and son, or brothers or cousins.
This ow also is suspected in a situation with my MiL’s late husband. She seems to have a weird thing about my MiL. However my h is just as responsible here. He does say that she is professionally inappropriate often. She’s not the stereotypical sexy thing, she wears cargo pants to law offices and isn’t polished. Granted these are ambulance chasing law offices, but h said he was embarrassed by her appearance and behavior often. Still took him 10 months to end it, so he’s pretty stupid too. My healing is held hostage by the fact she still reports to him. Thanks boss woman mil for that,, not sure if you and I can ever be buds again. Dumbass.
We live in one of the largest cities in the country, she lives 30 min outside and often works in the city, I’d love to know why she keeps everything in the family, ew.
Jeddy,
I have heard of or witnessed this phenomenon many times where the other woman is not someone who is attractive in any way. Sounds like the OW in your h’s case is neither physically nor emotionally attractive. I don’t think I have ever heard of a case where the ow is more attractive than the wife. (Unless someone is a Hollywood star). But, in real life with real people, I have seen cases where the wife is an 8 or 9 and the other woman is a zero. I mean, really. So, once again, we can infer that affairs are not about a woman’s physical appearance.
I am still having a hard time getting over the fact that these are people in the mental health field. I do not know what state you live in but in my state they would lose their license for this behavior. We have very strict laws here and they are enforced. It makes me angry that people like this are able to work as therapists because God knows they are so messed up that they are likely ruining their clients lives. Everyone has issues, even therapists, but there are issues and then there are ISSUES. This other woman has ISSUES and there is no way she should be working in this field. Can you report her to the licensing board anonymously? If I were you, I would do it just for the sake of her clients. The therapist/client relationship needs to be full of integrity and I just cannot see how someone who lacks so much integrity can somehow ‘change’ when she is at work and act with integrity towards clients. It just doesn’t happen.
Sorry, Jeddy. I cannot imagine how you feel about all of this. Know that you are so, so, so much better than all of this.
Well that just blows me out of the water then, cousin it was skinnier.
Yet I remember asking my h at the beginning of his ea, when he had moved back home. So who is better looking, me or her? He said you are, and even when you were younger you had this burst of light that shined out of you. Your smile lit up a room.
He said now she never had that, even at a young age, she always had this hardness about her. ( funny how he kept seeing her for almost a year after that comment)
Yet he always told me, how she looked like she was heaps older than me, instead of younger, and that he believed her h made her old before her time.
Puke puke
Thanks, Saw the Light. Love you too ! You are a strong, intelligent woman who has been an inspiration to us all.
Strength, I think thats just another part of the Low Lying Fruit Syndrome. Most normal people aren’t going to do that, due to their morals or whatever, so they just don’t expect it. it also usually gives the affair partner access to a lot of information and opportunity for contact that strangers would not have.
I also read a statistic somewhere that sexual predators and child molesters will usually be somebody you know, and probably trust. Seems to be the case with cheaters too, except in the case of strictly online stuff. That might be an interesting post. How affair partners are “chosen”.
I’ve also heard from someone I know that most of the people, women at least, that are on sites devoted to adultery like Ashley Madison are fake profiles or wanting money, ie prostitutes or wanting a sugar daddy.
I think they should be confronted, however if you are shy or a shrinking violet they will get the better of you. I was ready both emotionally, physically, and verbally. She was going to be NO match for me. Had it come to a knock down drag out my adrenaline was flowing and even though she was younger, I know I would have come out ahead. There wouldn’t have been one thing she could have said or done to intimidate me. I was prepared.
When my H was served with the restraining order and divorce papers he was living down the street at my sister in laws(his sister). She called and told me that evening that she was concerned because he was lying on her sofa crying and saying his life was over and he wanted to die. Talked of suicide. He told his sister he had made the biggest mistake of his life. At first I thought “HAHA you SOB now you know what I’ve been going through the last 3 weeks”. I was pretty sure at the time I wanted to go through with the divorce. Hired the biggest bad ass lawyer in town. He is NOT a nice person and he was relishing the fight!
Then of course evening came and I thought well maybe he is getting his head out of his ass and there is some hope of trying reconcile. Previous to that we spoke, He had found out about her and her ex step son and their physical relationship for the past two years and he was in shock. So he was still definitely in the middle of the affair with her and didn’t know what to do. She owed him a lot of money and he was working on her to get a mortgage to pay him back for the money she owed him. That money on top of the infidelity was going to be his Waterloo and he knew it AND he wanted the money back. He had pretty much decided he didn’t want to be with her, but I’m not sure he wanted to be with me either. He was very torn and didn’t know what to do. He knew life as he knew it would not be the same because I had retained the biggest, bad ass lawyer in town and was ready to take everything that belonged to me and sue her at the same time. NOT making excuses for his shit show that HE created just saying what he said. Of course he was loathe to tell me all the details of their relationship. He knew all the money and time would be to his detriment both personally and for the business. I had called all the major employees at the business and told them he and she were having an affair. Everyone at work was mad at both of them and everyone knew. His son was completely humiliated by him. He was glad I told everyone. He hated her. The accountant even quit over it. It was ugly! He was backed into a corner of his own making and he knew it.
So that night I went to bed and of course in the middle of the night is when we all come up with great plans and schemes right?!? In my infinite wisdom 🙂 I decided I’ll be damned if I let this two bit piece of shit ruin my husband’s life, my life, my son’s lives, the employees lives, without a fight. So early that next morning I got dressed and went to the business. I parked in the back and went through the plant. I grabbed two burly plant workers that I knew and told them they were going to physically help me get her out of the building and I would need them if she chooses not to leave peacefully. They smiled at me and said “we are with you, we will do whatever you need”. So in the office we went and sure enough on my way back to my husband’s office out she comes walking down the hall. Big old smug smirk on her face. I looked at her and at the top of my lungs I yelled, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE NOW!!!!” She turned white, she refused to leave and the two burly guys grabbed her by the arms and walked her to the door! It was hilarious. I didn’t touch her and I had my muscle. She came back in and again I told her get the fuck out or these two were going to throw her out! Well then my H comes out of the office and is completely ashen. He doesn’t know if he should shit or go blind. She’s refusing and he stands next to her and says, “no she doesn’t have to leave!!! I say fine, and I start to walk out. Yep bus tracks on my back and all but I am renewed that I am divorcing the SOB and he could kill himself for all I cared. Well he came running after me and made her leave. I gave her the bird on her way out!! That was fun!
That was the first part of April. He moved back home the end of June, she was fired July 5, I got the whole story Aug 1.
Point being my confronting her at the office (crazy and dangerous as it was) started the ball rolling. We could either try to talk and reconcile or I was going forward full steam ahead with what would have been a very ugly divorce, for him at least. Funny whenever we would try to “talk” in the beginning all he would want to talk about was the legalities of a possible divorce. He would become livid when I wouldn’t utter a word to him regarding my legal rights. He, and she, knew the ball was in my court. It was up to him to decide if he wanted to play nice or off to court we went. No way he had the fortitude it would have taken to do that. Plus he had an old crappy lawyer, LOLOLOL.
Of course she was filling his head with all her agenda and how she was going to be the one who would end up being screwed and she was right, she was screwed in the end.
I also sent her a very nasty and visceral email when she in September sent an email to my H. I did not mince words or pander to her better nature. I called her every name in the book and warned her to stay away from my husband and family or the next person she would be hearing from was my lawyer!! Also between April and July I started coming into the office to see my son and husband. Any reason to get under her skin. She would run for the hills when she saw me. She would throw a fit with my H when I came in. He asked my NOT to come in, I told him I wouldn’t and we would start divorce proceedings again if I had to stay away. She was scared shitless of me. GOOD, that was my goal.
She’s really stayed away since she was fired and I hear that her name for me is Crazy Bitch. She was right there, I was crazy! Crazy like a fox.
I don’t let anyone intimidate me, especially ignorant white trash! I’m a fighter I guess, and I can be your best friend or your worse nightmare. I don’t care, I like me that way, take it or leave it.
My H has thanked me many times for getting her out of our lives. He told our MC that it took a strong and fearless person like me to get her out of our lives and business. He said he had tried many times but she just kept coming back and convincing and threatening him that she had all his secrets. He was certain she would have told me had he not and he was sure I would have left anyway. Well that wasn’t going to work on me especially once all the truth came out. I used her own words and threats against her in my email to her.
P.S. She went running off with her cockroach tail between her legs. So I say yes confront them, but be prepared. You cannot give an inch and you cannot let them see you flinch. You have to call their bluffs. Do not set yourself up for anything they have to say to affect you. She tried and I just got in her face with some pretty strong language. After all even she knew she was noting more than a cheap whore! She figured out pretty fast I wouldn’t go away quietly and she was NO match for me. Actually I’ve turned into somewhat of a folk hero in our town amongst my girlfriends and even some husbands. I’ve had many pats on the back saying ata girl, you did the right thing you fought for what was yours!
So NO I don’t regret doing any of that. I would do it all over again!
Man TH, what a story! Just curious…Have you ever thought what the outcome might have been had you not taken such forceful action? Oh, and remind me never to get on your bad side! 🙂
Wow, Trying, I would have PAID to see that. yet another strong, intelligent woman. I really do think if more of us sent these whores packing, with their tails between their legs the world would be a MUCH better place.
Th, I loved it, I had a lol with your ow downfall. Wonderful…
I did talk to the other person. I drove her to a vehicle right after finding out about them the first time (they had been sneaky with the cars), and by phone the second time. She was a good friend of mine so I think that could make a difference.
It did make me feel better at the time to stick up for myself. It was an overall polite exchange.
Looking back in helped me significantly also in the long run.
She did not apologize for her role in the affair, and a bigger deal at the time was she had apologized to me after the first time I caught them….but continued the behavior behind my back for an additional four months.
Though I did not blame myself for the affair in some ways I thought they were justified….and coming from a deep place of love and connection. In other words that they were coming from a place of health, and I was the one who was “off.”
Looking back though hurt people, hurt people. My husband had just lost his father, was dealing with addiction concerns and did not know how to deal with all the changes in his life. She was in the process of leaving a relationship, had a child with some long-term after affects from an illness etc.
Though painful to work through this conversation helped me to understand that she had not ACTED like a friend to me, and neither had my husband (who is not my husband any longer). I found out both times from strangers, who thought more of me than two people who supposedly cared for me. Also in retrospect it helped me to understand that being hurt is a normal reaction to this situation, and that apologizing when you have hurt someone is normal.
I guess in some ways confronting allowed me to open up the wound to clean it out fully so it could heal as well as it could. Though MORE painful at first, it ultimately led to deep healing.
LOL Doug! You aren’t the first person to say that.
I thought about that. You know I was ready to walk. I had everything in place and was getting some very good counsel from my lawyer and therapist. Although my lawyer was NOT happy I did that and made me promise NOT to do it again. I agreed of course, but I had my fingers crossed 🙂
I figured I had nothing to lose and I laid all my chips on the table and went for it. My anger was leading me although I knew NOT to touch her. That’s why I employed my henchmen! I knew his weakness, of course after 36 years of marriage. Yes he threw me under the bus in front of her that day but I still stood tall and told him he had just used the final straw. Get ready for a war. He knew I had it in me at that point. And he actually told her to leave the office. That was very funny, she was fuming and when she looked up and saw me smiling and giving her the bird she spun out of the driveway in tears. I knew I had her then. She kept trying to say things like she was going to hit me. I egged her on that is exactly what I wanted her to do so I kept it up in her face calling her names and following her around the office. LOL everyone was going crazy trying to get out of our way.
I don’t think he thought I cared anymore about the marriage for whatever reasons. Lack of communication, her filling his head, his own rewriting of our history, feeling threatened by her, whatever. I showed him I was ready for a fight, either way.
I think my husband thought I would be so mad about the affair that I would divorce him regardless . He thought he had all the legal paperwork regarding the business ownership in his favor that I wouldn’t be able to touch it. His lawyer informed him that my lawyer would go after it relentlessly and that I had a very good chance of winning. And it would be a long costly divorce. Also, Adultery still carries weight legally in Illinois.
He kept coming back and forth after that happened. Like I said, he didn’t know if he should shit or go blind. I knew then I was calling the shots. We started seriously talking after I gave him a couple weeks of not returning phone calls and leaving town for 10 days. Around the first of May he started earnestly pursuing me and showing regret. The “fog” was lifting. He finally figured out he had to come clean with everything. He thought he could “control’ me and her. It was crazy cause I saw right through it all. It was hilarious because he would come over and talk about settlements, and how we should use the same lawyer, and “you know I will always take care you you” bullshit! I’d laugh and say of course, but if we get divorced I won’t need you to take care of me, I have a very good lawyer who will. He would just boil! I refused to talk about the legalities and he was still getting letters from my lawyer regarding court dates and discovery. He knew if the banks caught wind of an impending divorce it meant doom for the business. Banks are squeamish like that these days 🙂 I was ready to call his banker as well. That was next. I wasn’t going for the business as a going concern. I was going after the value of the property.
So finally on Aug 1 he had to throw all his chips in the poker pot and play his hand with me. He came clean on EVERYTHING. OMG it was very painful for both of us. But at least then we could deal with everything honestly.
The final contact was in September when she got pissed off because we demanded she either repay the note in full for her car or turn the car in. She couldn’t get a car loan so he loaned her the money and made her sign a not this time–THANK GOD FOR THAT!!!
She sent and email with WTF in the subject line. Well I told her exactly WTF in no uncertain terms. Didn’t hear from her again.
It could have gone either way Doug but like I said I had nothing to lose so I went for it. Don’t regret it to this day.
Yes Giz, I think I could have charged for that show and you can’t believe how many people at the company and outside that heard about the story congratulated me on it. Am I proud of it, hell no, I can’t believe I ever had to do such a thing. But it’s amazing when you have nothing to lose and your back is seemingly to the wall how your inner strength and chutzpah comes out. I was like Goliath against the Philistines. The bible always says Fear Not for I am with you, well I was counting on it that day and I guess in a way he was!
Good for you TH – considering what was at stake for you and so many others I think it was very courageous of you to nail her ass to the wall!
I never had the opportunity to confront my H’s skanky, woe is me, low-life bar maid. In the beginning not for lack of trying. First she lived double digit hours from us so every time I got in the car to drive there or went to book a flight I just got pissed off that I was going to waste so much time and money on the stupid skank. Second every time I called the numbers my H had for her or I found online she never answered. She had separated from her H by this point and she was/is pretty bad off financially. She was bouncing all over the place living here, there and everywhere. Third the affair had been over for over a year and half.
I do think if the affair was still going on I would have gone FARGO on her ass and probably ended up in jail or dead.
Finally, I had to come to the conclusion that I had to write her off. Now I’m not successful with this everyday but it’s the motto I try to ascend to. Considering the type of person she is I don’t think she cares a rat’s ass about her participation in destroying a family. Every now and again I fantasize about having a go at her, but I talk myself off the ledge. My long term goal is to make her COMPLETELY irrelevant to me…hopefully before I’m too old to remember her. LOL!
I do think you have to weigh what your goal is with the contact and firmly stand your ground. If the affair is still going on I believe contacting the AP’s significant other or family may be a better first contact. People who have affairs are either idiots naturally or idiots by choice – there is no logical thought process happening. So trying to reach them rationally IMO never works. And it’s a long road for the idiots by choice to decide to stop being idiots.
FCOL
I would never confront in an appealing, hat in my hand,”.. please leave my husband alone we have two little children to feed….”, scenario. OH HELL NO. I came out guns blazing! I swear I think I was Annie Oakley in a past life!
Go big or go home was my motto. I went big and out-freaking-rageous!
I scare myself sometimes because I know that I am one of those people who if they were at the mall and someone tried to carjack me or steal my purse, I’m the dumbass that fights back! No way someone would steal my purse or car without a fight. AND I’ve never gotten into a physical fight in my life!
FCOL
Courageous or stupid!! I don’t know which 🙂
Lol, Trying, that cracks me up. I never tried to catch my h with her because I was honestly afraid of what I would do, lol. Unfortunately, I have been in a couple of fights but I didn’t start them, but I dont run either . I have a friend whose husband beat on her. One day she had enough, she said she grabbed him by his ears and started beating his head on the heat grate in the floor, and that image has always stuck with me.
The purse snatching exampleis funny cause it actually happened to me about 20 years ago now I guess. It was a Sunday afternoon in the summer. I was at the supermarket, about to head to the wave pool., putting groceries in my car. A guy ran by, grabbed the strap of my purse, and I had the other end. I did not let go, and was screaming really loud, Kiss my ass, m.f. And lots of other stuff too. It just made me really mad. He took off, and I had my purse still. I had a bruise on my elbow. I will say this was over in about ten seconds , I didn’t plan my reaction, it’s like my Reptilian Brain just took over. I bet it was a sight to see. I’m not loud, but people could hear me screaming at this guy inside the store. Immediately afterward, I started crying, lol.
So, when you see one of those people who fight back on television, they probably don’t plan to do it either. I just have a nasty little temper that isunder control about 99% of the time til it ISN’T, then stuff will start flying.
Giz
OMG, that would so be me. And you should see me. I am a girly, lipstick wearing, high heel sporting, girly girl. I am the LAST person you would pick out as a bad-ass fighter! So when the OW calls me a Crazy Bitch, I tend to agree with her!!!
Right on fighting for that purse. Thing is for me I never carry any cash so what the hell.
Oh yeah I forgot. One time she was standing outside her work talking to someone. I was driving past so I honked and flipped her the bird AGAIN ! I’d say she’s pretty sick of me!
TH, Maybe that’s what I need to do if I move back, if I see it. Honk the good lo horn and give the birdy, outside the preschool she works. Lol
Oh TH, what a story. You go girl!!!! My story is a little more passive as I was out for information at the time. The parasitic whore must have thought I was a meek little mouse by the way I approached things, but i got all the information I needed and then some. Besides, why should I care what she thought about me! While playing kinda dumb and oblivious to what was really going on, I was able to ask questions and steer the conversation to where I needed it to be to collect information as to what was going on. (Oh, I should prepare my Oscar speech!) That’s because at that point, I wanted to collect as much evidence, etc to present to a lawyer if I needed to. Actually, prior to this she called me to say that nothing was going on and how she wished that my H would leave her alone. She said this again when we met, and it was so obvious that she was lying. So after the meeting, I dug a little further and found out she was playing my H for gifts, money, him paying her bills, etc. She was an expert at manipulation where she could make my H think she was actually interested in him. She could have been at some level, but the main attraction was that my H was willing to be her sugar daddy. Later, I saw the emails and some texts, and she certainly read the whore handbook and was an expert at manipulation. After more “research” (I live in a small town in a small state), all my evidence and assumptions were corroborated by some of her co workers & so-called friends. It all gave me a more clear picture of the EA and where to go from there. My H and I are now over 2 years past D-Day, still working on our relationship, and will be celebrating our 30th anniversary at the end of this month.
Lynsey
You played your hand very well. I don’t know how you did it without jumping on her neck and strangling her.
When I did that confrontation I had nothing to lose. My H had moved out but was staying 6 doors down with his sister. When she told me what his reaction was to the papers being served it was quite different than what I expected he would do. I mean, he left me for her, you would have thought he would have been relieved I filed for divorce, not crying and threatening suicide!
It could have backfired. Almost did since my lawyer was PISSED I did that. LOL he didn’t want me to look crazy in court. Sure like that was the first time a woman ever did that! PPPLLLEASE. He actually wanted me to stay with him all day and talk, it really wasn’t very productive because it was all the bullshit fog talk..ie “…well in 1982 you did blah, blah, blah…” Actually looking back I think he was keeping me in his sight so I wouldn’t go to her house and kill her!!! Men are so dumb!
Anyway I thought if there was any glimmer of hope that our marriage could be saved I had to take that chance. My sister in law was really egging it on for us to reconcile because she would tell me how miserable he was!
Anyway, I did what I did, and we are working things out. DDay 1 was 3/19 three years ago. Who knows where we’d be if I hadn’t gotten all crazy that day! I don’t regret it one bit.
Tryinghard, boy you are spunky!!!!
Haha I love your story you lipstick wearing high heeled woman!!! Me too!!!
I remember in the 80’s on a dance floor trying to claw out the girl my ex was dating in my heels!!!
RED FLAG!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!
He broke up with me in the summers because it was bikini season!?!?!?
Boy, was I stupid!
Anywho, I was fighting for my man. But he wasn’t, never was.
Love reading these stories!!
Rachel
Lol. Spunky is very kind of you. Some would say crazy bitch or hell on wheels! Not really sure if ANY man is worth going to these extremes. But I’ll never get rid of the heels or the red lipstick. At least I know who I am right???
Th, I think It is the worst thing you can ever do, is lose yourself. So glad you know who you are , don’t ever lose sight of it, because no one is worth losing yourself over.
Yay for those red heels.
I’ve noticed, I can’t wear heels as much as I would like now, my feet just kill in so many shoes now, it’s ridiculous.
I loved my red lippy, yet now I’m more into the lip gloss now.
I listened very carefully to the webcast and I have very different thoughts about confrontation and recovery. I am a naturally curious and very thoughtful person so Linda”s advice to focus only on the desired outcome of the affair recovery process is counterproductive for me. I needed to know everything, and I do mean everything, about my husband’s affair. Not knowing would mean that part of my inherent being was wrong and it is not. I cannot close my eyes and say something is not there if it is. This would be, as was said in the webcast, against my character.
When my husband refused to furnish emails and texts to me on the inappropriate advise of his therapist, I sent an email to his affair partner from an email address very similar to the one he used to contact his lover. She was asked to send their emails and texts to the new email address. It was an impassioned plea to help “him” in our recovery because he deleted them to make sure I did not see them. She refused the request and expressed her outrage and also said she had ben waiting for him to contact her again.
The response from her was priceless to me. It revealed her selfishness, manipulativeness, and need for control, all things my husband had described to me. Even though she is an attorney, it also let me know how poorly her thoughts were organized and expressed and her poor writing skills. It made me feel great!! Even though she refused to help “him,” it was superb for me and an accurate revelation of the person she is. I learned so much about the negative person she actually is yet he could not see during their affair, and affirmed my healthy and positive traits.
I would suggest that knowing yourself and being true to who you are is much more important than denying your needs. You may only realize a partial recovery if you try to convince yourself that you do not need what you actually do.
Crepower
That is brilliant on your part. Can I ask was you husbands affair physical and emotional?
No easy answer to your question. As he described it, the affair had an emotional beginning, quickly progressing to talks of love and having physical components. There was kissing, caressing and touching that he did not consider sexual. I did. He said his affair partner told him that they should have sex and according to his definition of having sex, they did not.
Since my original post, my husband changed his statements concerning their physical contact and it was sexual.
Sarah P
I hope you can read this link. I think you will get quite a hoot out of it!
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/cannes-how-kiss-french-hello-701595
Doug
You may have explained earlier in the blog but I haven’t seen anything on this topic about your affair with Tanya.
When you cut off the relationship, how did you do it?
Did you do it in person, text, email, phone?
Was it in stages? Did you try to break it off gently or all at once after you decided you wanted to work things out with Linda?
What was Tanya’s reaction? Did she try to hang on and call you or leave messages? Would she try to sneak back in even after you cut it off? After a while and it was over for a while would she still try to contact you under the guise of something innocent like business?
Or did she tell you it was over?
Have you ever seen her since the affair?
When you say it wasn’t physical, was it not physical at all? No kissing, hand holding, fondling etc., NOTHING? If so as a man how did you resist it?
OK well maybe all those questions are fodder for a new blog post.
Sorry if I crossed any lines with my questions.
Also if there are any brave souls as in other males who are willing to answer those questions it would be very helpful.
You guys are really enigmas. We women have such a hard time believing that you guys can cut off the relationships so easily with someone you risked so much.
Hey TH,
To answer your questions…I ended it by cell phone after a bit of a process. Once I made that call, I have not spoken to or seen her since. I am not aware of any attempts by her to try and reach me in any way. I think to her I more or less fell off the map.
Prior to it ending I had changed employers and it made it much easier to maintain a no contact situation after the fact.
You can read more about this with these two posts if you like:
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/ending-the-affair/
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/linda-view-ending-an-affair/
Keep in mind that our EA was almost entirely carried on within the work environment – an open cubicle style office, as well as by phone and text. So there was virtually no physicality to it.
I do think that men can compartmentalize things easier and therefore have an easier time ending relationships. Additionally, when it comes to affairs, it helped make it easier when I got my head out of my ass and realized all that I stood to lose. Maintaining the affair had also become a giant pain in the ass which also made it easier.
Th, how right are you, I struggle all the time trying to figure out how a man can have a relationship with a ow, and not go further than kissing or holding hands, texting and phoning. Honestly how can a ow who clearly wants to go further into the relationship, not get what she wants, especially if the love word is thrown around so easily. I don’t get it.
Trying hard and Strength, sometimes I think ya’ll read my mind. I was thinking this exact thing recently. I truly believe whoever came up with this “emotional affair “business did us a great disservice cause cheaters just use it as a way to say they did nothing wrong. What horseshit. As far as I’m concerned, it’s physical after ANY TOUCHING , which you know they all did unless it was strictly via electronic communication.
I agree, physical is touching… Touch any part of the other person affectionately, and it’s physical. Emotional to me is just talking.
Like they will say “oh we slept in the same bed, but nothing happened.” Really??? Just like my husband went to this whore’s house but it wasn’t “wrong?” He did not say the comment about the bed but I’ve read it on here before. How about we make the sleeping in the same bed, stopping at whores houses, etc the wrong part.? I certainly do.
Thanks Doug for answering the questions and the link.
I guess the reason I asked is because I listened to Linda’s interview.
As you know not only was there emotion in my H’s affair there was also physicality and longevity. I see so many betrayed spouse move pretty quickly to forgiveness and resuming their lives while I’m stuck sorting it out. I was just curious how you kept it from getting physical. Guys pretty much want to take it there before women do. I understand the office restraints but once away from the office at lunch etc. there could have been plenty of opportunity. Maybe not intercourse but certainly other physical connections.
I’m reading about so many of these supposed EA’s and I just wonder if all these women are getting the whole truth. It seems like these husbands exercised a lot of self restraint which is, most times, NOT typical of men. I can’t imagine what kind of man gets such a kick out of just talking. Seems like they only do the talking so they can get the good stuff!!!
Personally, I’ve never been remotely close to talking to any man, let alone someone I worked with, about my personal life, much less my dissatisfaction with my personal life. That’s not to say I haven’t found many men both socially/professionally physically attractive, heck even HOT. But I put that thought just where it belonged, out of my mind and just a fantasy because a. I was married and b. I had heard way too many disaster stories about women and work place affairs. I needed my jobs!
So I’m not accusing you of not being 100% truthful because I think you are and not that you needed my validation. But I have serious doubts about others. I think many men would never admit to a physical relationship because then that really would be cheating. They’ve already seen the terrible consequences of admitting to the emotional side of the relationship.
I hear you TH. We get a lot of emails which based on the information the other person is telling us, it is really obvious that their spouse is either lying or not telling the whole truth. Yet they don’t see it. Stuff like it was just an EA but one time their spouse stayed overnight at the OW’s house – but they didn’t have sex. Huh? I bet they did! And these BS are not just women. It’s also quite surprising how many emails we get where the unfaithful spouse believes that an EA is not cheating and they did nothing wrong.
Sarah P. I’m fairly certain my husband’s girlfriend is “better looking”than I am. At least now. I know she is younger, and skinnier cause he wouldn’t date her if she were fat. Dont really know if we did a side by side beauty contest where we were both 25. Probably even then. I’m not a classic beauty or anything.
My point is What does any of that matter? The girl in front of me probably would smoke both of us. She is 25, blonde, cute, knockout figure. But the difference is she is a nice person and not an egotistical bitch. Women need to stop getting their self worth from their appearance and not feeling like they are worthy to be with someone if they arenot better looking than another woman. This is a race you will never win. Any of us. My husbands girlfriend is VERY into her appearance and does all kind of crap to enhance it and call attention to it. she thinks the fact that she is younger and thinner and probably prettier than me makes her better than me. Well, as they say,” f©# k that noise “. If thats what my husband really thinks is important, she can have him.
Giz, I couldn’t agree more. I would take it one step further and say that women need to stop getting their self worth from ANYWHERE outside of themselves. I know I focused my self-worth on being a wife and mother for far too long. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I don’t regret the career I gave up to stay home. I wouldn’t change it if I could. BUT. It should never have defined my worth. Because when he cheated, it wrecked me personally and “professionally”. I felt like I failed all the way around. And his whore? About a hundred pounds heavier than me. Obese to my size six. He even admits she was not physically attractive, and he couldn’t stand to look at her when they had sex. In one of his sobbing meltdowns, he even apologized to me for thinking of ME when he had sex with her. Because otherwise he couldn’t finish. NICE.
Also, women aren’t the only ones who define their self-worth the wrong way. Men get so wrapped up in their careers that it becomes less of what they DO and more of who they ARE. At least it was that way for my husband. The crashing economy tanked his business for awhile, and the whore was ready to swoop in and take advantage of her “friend” and co-worker when he was vulnerable and depressed. He can fully see today that the affair was ALL about his ego and how he saw himself reflected back from her. Without all the pressures and responsibilities he had at home with a wife and family. She told him what he wanted to hear, not what he needed to hear. BIG difference.
Giz, I feel the same, the ow was skinnier than me, but she doesn’t appear to have a descent bone in her body. I wonder if she chose to stay with her h all those years because she actually liked the fighting, the conflict, so once she did leave, she needed something to do, to keep her feeling what is normal for her to feel. So she chose to target my family, me. She needed to place her attention elsewhere because she did not have her h around.
Yet, as you mentioned, she thought she was better because she was skinnier, she believed my h was shallow minded, and that her being skinnier was her ticket to beat me. I’m sure she must have belittled me, due to my size difference to her, I guess that is why she sent him pics of herself in tight clothing months after he told her that he wanted his family that he was not going to leave me for her. She must have thought that if he saw her like that, that he would change his mind.
What she doesn’t realise is that beauty is only skin deep, beauty has to come for within as well. If you are beautiful, but you are bad to the core, it doesn’t make you better. My h never liked conflict in his life, yet she showered him with hers. As my h mentioned to me one day, he had more arguments, with her in just that year, than what he has had with me in our whole marriage. So he would not have lasted with her just because of the arguments alone.
In passing I also mentioned to my h that if he wanted her because she was skinnier than me, then he was to go for it, he would not have been worth the fight.
Oh, in their emails I read, the girlfriend was continuously fishing for compliments, like I wore a dress today. I hope it makes me “look phat and fresh”. And yes, I swear to goodness I do not make this babble up, lol.
Look phat and fresh, wth. I hate these ow…
Ohhh and giz, our womanly curves and the women we are turned out to be a far better option to our husbands than the skanky person beneath the ow skin.
I would prefer to be the person you and I are than that of the ow we put up with. Good wins out in the end…
Exercise Grace, you are so right about the self esteem issue. I see the inflated ego about jobs at my workplace everyday. And pretty much everywhere else too.
I found a phrase I really like yesterday. “Bien dans sa peau.” French for “comfortable in your own skin.” Liking yourself, flaws and all. Not getting validation from outside sources. Enjoying attention and compliments, but not as some sort of gigantic ego boost or something that “makes your day” but just something that gives you a little smile. I honestly believe that before their spouse cheated on them, betrayed spouses had MUCH better self esteem than the cheaters because they all seem to need that outward validation of their worth. The affair partners don’t seem to have a lot of self esteem, so they rob it from their spouse. I mean seriously, if my husband and his girlfriend were so superior to me, why was it such a damn ego trip for her to sneak around with him? Why did this bitch “hate” me? I never did anything to her. Or him for that matter. Not for lack of opportunity, for certain. Cause they are the “low hanging fruit”, not the betrayed spouses. They need someone else to make them feel special. Utterly pathetic, actually.
Exactly giz, I ask myself the same question. Why did she hate me so much, I never did anything to her, I welcomed her into our home for my h, yet she found it so easy to want to destroy me and take everything from me. All I can think of, is she hated me from the moment my h and it were married, even though I never met her until after our 1st born, and only not even a hand full of times there after. Each time, she never uttered a word to me, just acted like I was not there. Which is why I never trusted her, but I trusted my h. Huge mistake…..
Sounds like she was / is jealous of you, Strength. She is one weird ass woman, lol.
I believe there was a lot of jealousy of me from her, I had the life she wanted. The life her exh believed she wanted ever since our first meeting over 20 years ago. I guess she proved it, after what she tried to do.
Lol, I just retread what I wrote and instead of putting from the moment my h and I were married I out it. Ewwwww.
I have a thought/question. Do you confront the friends and family who enabled, encouraged or facilitated the affair?
“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.”-Winston Churchill
TRUE DAT!
FCOL
no there is no sense in confronting them because then it becomes a pissing contest and do any of us really need any more pissing contests. I certainly wouldn’t consider them a friend of the marriage or of yourself though.
Fool, I would have loved to confront the family who helped facilitate the affair, yet I think it would have been useless. They didn’t care, so me confronting them wouldn’t make them care, they didn’t give a shit about my my children or myself. They just are not worth it, they are better off being far away, out of sight out of mind.
Here’s the crux of it. My crazy MIL keeps posting crap on FB about how she loves unconditionally and her family is the most important thing to her along with all kinds of disturbing religious junk. Plus she’s been tagging me out for “certain” inflammatory posts…it’s like she’s trying to poke the bear.
I dont know if it’s a punishment to them, or a reward, lol, but I generally tend not to have ANYTHING to do with people who screw me over or that I dont like. I can cut people loose like nothing you’ ve ever seen. I just have no use for them. I dont generally get “mad”, my entire opinion of someone totally changes. And I’m not talking about nit picky stuff either, I’m talking about stuff showing bad character.
Fcol, block that bitch, lol. And report her too. Usually people know who’s crazy on facebook, thankfully. How old is this woman?? That is ridiculous.
FCOL
Oh boy that’s a tough one. I guess you can’t outright defriend her? If not you can block her posts so at least you don’t have to see them. By tagging you she is being very passive aggressive. You can block your posts to her but then you may as well defriend her.
If my MIL knew how to use FB she would def be ing the same thing. I know she has a FB account but I never friended her. I blocked a friends posts because she was a friend of the OW and I couldn’t stand seeing how she felt so sorry for her and her health situation bla, blah, blah. She was boring anyway but I didn’t want to totally defriend her.
Confronting her on this will only make you look silly but I hear what you are saying. Yes she is attacking you without directly attacking you. Don’t give her the satisfaction that you are getting her underhanded approach. Ignore her.
The day my husbands mother defended his cheating by saying “I’ve been accused of things I didnt do too” was the day she toasted her weinie with me. I’d always been a great daughter in law, buying gifts and cards, calling, visiting. No more. I go over there when required. I dont call her by name or ever talk directly to her. Watch tv, read or play games on my phone or kindle. I do have to hug her, occasionally return I love you’s but one useful skill I learned from my first husband is how to be physical without attaching any feelings to it whatsoever.
Giz and TH
She’s 72 and more manipulative than ever!!! The older she gets the nastier she has become.
I had her blocked from my cell and social media as well as my son’s since shortly after d-day. This caused SOOOO many issues between me and my husband. So when she starting trying to friend my family members (about a year ago) on FB I accepted her friend request. Then she began sending my Mom gifts, calling her, and messaging her. She has managed to establish a relationship with my Mom where there was never one for the previous 28 years. She has sweet talked and gifted my Mom into believing she is a nice little old lady who loves her boys and her family without conditions or manipulations. On the other side of the coin my Mom can be a little more self-serving than the average bear.
My MIL did everything she could to drive a wedge between me and my husband with her relationship with the OW. When the truth came out about her involvement in the EA and she couldn’t gain any traction as the victim she moved onto my Mom and our relationship. Now her weapon of choice is FB. What the hell….I want to throw things…a lot of things.
Btw – I have her locked out of my page as best as possible but she will work around it by posting things on my Mom’s FB and commenting on me or my son. She’s just WACKED!
“my relationship with my Mom” I really need to proofread before I post these things along with not doing 3 things at once while trying to form a comment. 😀
FCOL
Yes my MIL is worse than ever as well. I hear you.
In regards to FB: You may have to block your mother as well. You could probably talk to her and tell her your MIL’s agenda as you see it if you believe she wouldn’t go running to her, and tell her if she chooses a relationship with your MIL over you need to make a change in your relationship as well starting with FB. Just be honest with her. Self serving people need ultimatums. They have to know they are going to lose something if they don’t change their behavior. I’d block the MIL from all my posts to anyone. Your H gets pissy about it that’s his problem! MIL is looking for info on you, hell that’s all FB is about anyway!! You don’t have to play that game. You can also group people who see your posts.
Look at the privacy settings and play around with it. The assholes start yelling about it feign ignorance! Like “HHHMMM really I did that??? I don’t think I did. I probably got hacked.” BWAHAHAHA…That always works for me cause I’m old! Seriously, act shocked that they would even suggest you would do anything malicious to them. “Well why on earth would I do something like that???” It’ll drive them nuts!
I chose not to contact the OW I instead directed any questions or comments to my Husband. I regret this now due to the OW having the audacity to contact me directly, I never responded and she took this as sign of weakness, she then for some insane reason starting behaving as if I was the OW. She lives just two doors away from our home so avoiding her is difficult. Not only was I having to deal with my destroyed life I now had a psycho peeking out of her blinds watching my every move. I now believe that had I confronted her when I first learned of the affair, she may not have been so shameless.
Lisa
I’m a big believer in facing the enemy toe to toe and NOT backing down, calling their bluff and otherwise outing their bad behavior. You were correct in only dealing with your H with regards to the affair and all the questions regarding the affair. The OW would no valuable info on that. You did the right thing by not contacting her for any info. HOWEVER, once she crossed that line and contacted you that was when you should have given it to her with both barrels in my opinion BUT it is imperative that you be ready for any and all repercussions. If you are not it is truly an effort in futility. You have to be a fast thinker and ready for any retort she may come at you with. A lot of people are not good at that and go into those situations unprepared. Doing that will only frustrate you and make you fee worse. Ignoring her is the BEST thing you can do. It shows her just how unimportant she is. It probably also saved you a lot of grief so don’t beat yourself up with the should haves.
I do think you need to prepare yourself because it sounds like she’s not done screwing with your life. I would not instigate a confrontation but you and your H need to be ready for one.
It’s also time for your H and you to consider moving to a home far away from this psycho. Maybe you love your home but you can make a new home anywhere your family is.
LOL if I were you I would have such a hard time keeping my middle finger from popping up in the air in her direction every time I saw her. I commend you for your self control.
I did confront the OW unashamedly here in the office. I scared the crap out of her. I outed her in front of the whole office. I called her brother. I did shame her but trust me these people are shameless. They always think they are right because they are in “lllloooovvvee” whatever. Stand your ground but be ready.
Remember, it only took David one little stone to topple Golaith. You have no reason to hang your head in shame, she does and so does your H and I hope to God he is backing you.
Th, I had a picture of you in my mind, standing at the window just holding your middle finger up, every time the ow was sneaking speak out her window. What a picture that made, lol
I was so ready to call the ow last week, and remind her just how much I despise her, and a few other choice words. It took a lot of self control, and tbh I wouldn’t have given a rats ass at the time if she called my h to tell him, because I would have told him to p.off too, at that point. Lol
My h told the step father of our niece and nephew from my bil, after he called and wanted the gossip on whether it was true what he heard, that we were moving back and how good it was we could socialise.
This is a man, that when my h chose to chase after his skank at the beginning of his ea, (I feel like I’m lying now, because really it was a pea, gotta try and get past that one) that no wonder he went after her, she was skinnier than me.
It was hard to not take offense to that, and not feel even more worse about myself at the time, I was already. I see this person now as nothing, not a friend but a shallow person that must only think of what a persons weight is, for them to be a reason to leave for someone else, not that the ow is a crazy piece of shite with no morals or self respect, and who doesn’t give a shit about who’s family she tries to destroy.
So anyway, my h told him, (not sure if he was protecting me, because I seemed more like I was used as a scape goat). Ohhh yes we are planning on moving back, but we do not want to socialise, we don’t plan on socialising with anyone. Besides my wife does not want to socialise with our kind, she is over it.
As far as I know he just replied, ohhh ok.
Yet when my h told me that, I said ” why would you say that I didn’t want to socialise with your kind, it don’t want our niece and nephew to think, or even their mother to think that I am turning them away, and don’t want to see them. They are still family.
I think now, I have just been placed in a shit position, all the gossip that is going to be how ohh strength required doesn’t want her h to see anyone, she doesn’t like our kind anymore, we are not good enough for her, blah blah blah.
The only person out of that family I didn’t want to see, was him. Not after he offended me.
I’m just not sure if it was for my benefit, what my h said.
If anything made me sound really bad, even though I do loathe a lot of people now from my h side of the family, but I just don’t why he wouldn’t have just left it at, we do not want to socialise with anyone, instead of it turning back in onto me.
Ohh the joy, I will have when I move back down to my home in less than 3 months time.
SR
You know what? Uncle Skank Lover is probably the most perfect person you know. HE’S A PERFECT ASSHOLE!!! Seriously this nit wit chalked up the fact to your husband’s cheating has to do with something as insignificant and your weight. What an ignorant asshole!
But I have to say if my name were SR, I would stay the hell away from ALL of that family. You have no idea who your friends are in that nest of vipers and who aren’t. Just go back and take care of your family and your husband, and most of all yourself. Socialize, yeah right like everyone gather around the Christmas Tree, HA, what a joke. You family isn’t everything and where your H’s family is concerned they are downright toxic.
LOL I have no problem flipping the bird!
Th, they are, I have no idea in who to trust. Yet not I would have loved to be shown off in front of all his family, as the one that he chose and he was proud of it, then feeling like I am going to be hidden from sight. Ykwim.
Not that peace isn’t what I’m looking for, it just would have felt good knowing that it would eventually find out how happy my h truly is, and it isn’t because of the children that he is with me.
I don’t know, I guess that would be my middle finger to all of them. Lol
I actually got upset with my h the other day, as I told him I wanted him to delete the phone numbers of “it’s” sisters, I wanted him to not be tempted to call them. I told him that, they were not a friend of our marriage for them to help throw a engagement party for you and her, and to acknowledge that your children and I did not exist.
He said, but they didn’t do anything, they didn’t interfere or anything.
Well hell no, they interfered whether he likes to know it or not, they are just as bad as it is.
Then he said, well they are in another country, yet I don’t think I will hear from them anyway.
He didn’t think they should be punished as it was not their fault. Boohoo .
Anyway he wouldn’t. Funny how he said to me the other day, that he would lose everything just to keep me.
Yet then I started thinking about it, I am sure they are disgusted with him, now that he left their sister/daughter and stayed with his family, so hopefully they think he is a loser now, and hopefully it does too. Fx
One can only hope and pray for that outcome. Lol
Lisa, can I just say, please don’t think that. It would not have mattered whether you confronted the ow or not, because she still would have taken it as a sign of weakness.
I confronted my h ow, and it made no difference. I think she actually liked that I was wanting her to stay away, she took great pride in destroying my life, that is just what she wanted to do. These ow can be crazy, the ones that care would have stopped and tried to make amends. Yet very few ow are like that.
Any advice lovelies, on how you get past the fact that your h/w were able to be physically initimate with a low life? How did you move past it? Or is it still a struggle.
SR
Please know you don’t have anything to prove to those people. Do not give them any power. Your H is not keeping you hidden you are choosing not to associate with these low lifes.
Of course you don’t know who to trust. Let those that are genuine come to you. I would think with 6 kids you have more than enough “family” to keep you busy! Surround yourself with your darling children and forget about the rest or proving a point to any of them. They’re are just going to be snide anyway.
As far as getting over the PA it’s the same as an EA. It all sucks. Matter of fact it may be easier because now there is NO fantasy on his part of what it would be like. Most men say in the dark, it’s all the same, if you know what I mean.
Th, thanks Hun, I don’t need to prove anything to them, it just would be nice for my h to prove how devoted he is to me, so these people see that we are strong, so leave us alone. I guess I see us since going through the affair, that we look somewhat weak, and now these people see a break that can get to my h.
As for the pea side, I guess to the guys he will look like a hero, to the girls he will to the girls she will look like a s””t, and none of them will trust her near their husbands. Lol
I was wondering where pea came from, lol. Auto correct was changing pa to pea. Lol
So I guess as well th, it will just take time.
Strength, I would think after the pregnancy scare thing last weekand finding out he had sex with cousin it , he would comply with whatever request you have immediately. Just delete the damn numbers like you’ve been asked to do. I think if my husband said that to me, or what he said to his uncle I would start throwing his stuff into the street. You are much more patience than me.
Giz, it did p me off quite a bit, which is why I told him that night that he needed to go and be with his it and her family.
Strength, I cannot imagine you ever getting mad. On the other hand, I have a vile temper and I think my husband is afraid of pissing me off now. I do know if he ever defends this slimy whore, or his slimy actions while messing around with her, I will certainly lose it . All his crap, and himself too, will be flying into the street. I have had enough of this shit for a lifetime. When you are done, you are DONE . I know I am.
Giz, I get upset but keep my cool. I used to never argue, used to hate it, so always tried to avoid it. Now, I speak up more.
I think I still need convincing, with how much I really mean to him. He tells me if he didn’t love me he would be gone. I’m not so sure at times, because he was with me and still went behind my back while expressing his love for me.
I was thinking seriously about throwing in the towel last week, this week I’m not planning on leaving, but he only needs to give me a reason to reconsider my decision, and it will be back on the drawing board again.
It p me off how he defended her family, didn’t defend her, but they were not at all innocent in my downfall. Yet he seems to think they were. Maybe he needs time to see the full picture himself, otherwise he is no where near how he used to be. If that’s the case, he won’t be able to recommit fully to us.
Why can’t it be easy to just walk away with no feelings attached, it would be so much better.
My H had an EA a few years ago. After I confronted him, he supposedly ended it. Since then, we have struggled to rebuild our marriage. We have gotten to a somewhat better place, but our marriage isn’t great. In short, I don’t trust my H, and he has done little to help me rebuild my trust. For example, he has yet to provide me with all of the details of the EA, he will not give me access to his phone records, emails, etc. He will not be completely transparent with me, which impedes our progress.
Throughout the past few years, I have toyed with the idea of contacting the OW, just to let her know that her actions affected the lives of people whom she has never met. I just wanted to make her realize, if only for a second, that her participation in the EA caused a lot of pain and damage. I wrote her letters, but I never ended up sending them. As much as I wanted to reach out to her, something prevented me from actually doing so.
Last week, I discovered that my H has been communicating with the OW for at least the past few weeks, but maybe longer. When I confronted him, he denied it. Eventually, he admitted it, but said that he has merely been giving her some advice on a matter regarding which he has some expertise. He claims that their communications have been purely professional.
I am furious. I intend to send her a short and sweet text. I don’t necessarily think it will accomplish anything other than making me feel better. I just want her to know that I am here. If I send it, she’ll likely tell my H, but I do not care.
I confronted both women. One knew me well and
The other knew nothing about me. The ow that did not know me was very empathetic and apologetic and I so appreciated that. We communicated through email and the way she responded helped me so very much! The other is a nasty woman and was pure evil! I really couldn’t believe how she acted and that she is a mother of 5 and witnessed her mother deal with a cheating husband. She has left us alone pretty much and actually got married 4 months after the affair came out.
My husband’s affair started 38 years ago; early in the affair he had two children with the affair partner (he says she did not ‘ask’ him about sharing children with him – ‘she’s a nurse and knew how to implement her wishes’. He paid all her and her children’s bills for 38 years. The children are 31 and 38 now. I learned about them 2 years ago – and since then WE have paid over $70, 000 for cancer treatment for the affair partner. I’ve been advised not to contact her and he has also not contacted her directly; we deal together with the daughters who are now responsible for her. My husband still is not willing to ‘open up’ about the affair he started 40 years ago when he held a very public appointment – he says ‘it had nothing at all to do with my wife’ and that it was a ‘personal’ immediate sexual gratification matter to relieve the stress of his office. I’m still here – do I have a choice? – I do still love the man I thought was my husband – although he kept his affair totally secret – he claims he was able to ‘compartmentalize’ ‘me’ and ‘her’ – is that not a form of abuse that should be explained? His story is incomprehensible to me and still brings anger when I try to face it. Can I ever see him as the loving man I married 57 years ago? Can we pick up the relationship where he took a very young woman 40 years ago as a secret ‘sexual partner’ while keeping me as the public and still intimate ‘wife’? At 80, he thinks we can and he is making every effort to show me he genuinely wants to do so. My children and I have ‘met’ her children and I would like to meet her – is there any way that can happen? Should it happen?
Miriam I.
Your story is heartbreaking. But yes….you always have a choice. You can’t make your husband “open up” about his betrayal but only you can decide if that is a deal breaker or not. I hope you can get some individual counseling for yourself……the trauma of his betrayal is too difficult to undertake by yourself.
Give yourself permission to grieve……and yes you deserve answers!!!!