when there is a child as a result of an affairThere is a very delicate topic that we have yet to address here on the blog. I’m not really sure why as the subject comes up occasionally and we get emails periodically about it. And the subject is…

What do you do when there is a child as a result of an affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of infidelity?

Wow! Tough situation indeed.

For some reason, we didn’t really feel that this was that common of a situation. However, after doing a little Googling on the subject, we discovered that it actually occurs more than you might think.

For some reason we forgot about two very high profile cases of this happening: Sen. John Edwards and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Many marriages have gone on to healing and wholeness even when a child has resulted from the affair. It can be extremely difficult for any person to do but one thing that can be helpful is to work towards rising above one’s own pain and focusing on what is best for the child. After all, the child is an innocent party and deserves a good and happy life and to know his/her parents.

To be completely honest, neither of us have any experiences with this situation, but we did feel it was something that we should address. So, what we decided to do was provide you with a post that offers various points of view from a few experts and give you additional links to resources on the subject.

If this is an issue that you are dealing with, we hope this turns out to be a valuable resource for you.

 

When There is a Child from an Affair

by Peggy Vaughan

This situation happens more often than anyone likes to admit. The child, of course, is an innocent party in this whole experience; however, since their presence serves as an ongoing reminder of the affair, this can understandably making it more difficult to recover. Actually, trying to expand the considerations to include thinking of what’s “best for the child” can sometimes lift people out of a very narrow focus only on their own personal pain. Also, a joint effort by the husband and wife in trying to deal with this enormous challenge can serve to draw them together.

Read more…

 

A Child Born of Adultery

by Cindy at Affaircare

We had a GREAT question asked to us on our “The Purpose of No Contact” page. It was such a great question, in fact, that I thought it would be helpful to several others in a similar situation if I wrote a post about it!   Here’s the question:

“What happens when a child is born from adultery, how do you sustain the no contact rule and do what is right for the child?”

Read more

 

When an Affair Results in Pregnancy

by Dr.Phil

An affair can cause lasting damage to both partners in a relationship. When a child is born as a result of infidelity, what can you do to cope? Dr. Phil offers some advice:

“As a result of my partner’s affair, a child was born. I’m trying to accept this child into my life, but I really don’t know how. What can I do?”

  • Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.
  • Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.
  • Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.
  • You may have to make the decision that you’ll work to get over this, or get out of it. Find a way to forgive — or get out.

 

What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes Pregnant with a Lover’s Child

by Dr. Willard Harley

Infidelity has tragic consequences. Not only does unfaithfulness itself cause untold emotional suffering for a victimized spouse, but affairs create a host of other problems, too. One example of these problems is venereal disease — when an unfaithful spouse is infected, which is often the case, the disease is usually passed on to the unsuspecting marriage partner. Another example is our topic for this Q&A column — pregnancy with a lover’s child.

Read more…

 

The Story of Bob and Audrey Meisner

Audrey had 3-week long affair and became pregnant. They have managed to heal their marriage and Bob has adopted the son into his family as his own. They have a book, Marriage Undercover which has a strong Christian emphasis. You can watch the video below where they discuss their situation on The Christian Television Network

 

Forums

Here are a few forums threads dealing with when there is a child as a result of an affair:

 

Research

We tried to find research studies or other scholarly pieces that dealt with this issue but really didn’t have any luck. The closest we came was an article on WiseGeek regardfing a 2006 survey that found 1.7 to 3.3 percent of fathers are unknowingly raising children who aren’t their own. The study found that dads who opt to challenge the paternity of a child are far less likely to be the actual father than fathers who are confident enough not to challenge it. The percentage of fathers who are highly confident of their child’s paternity are not the actual fathers 1.7 percent of the time.

Here is a wiki on Paternity Fraud: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paternity_fraud 

A NY Times article that suggests that for men who are not sure about paternity, as many as 30% of them are proven right by DNA tests. 

* We have no idea how accurate these are or the backgrounds of the authors.

 

That’s all we have at this time!

If you have any additional resources you’d like to share, feel free to add them below in the comment section.

Also…

Whether you are dealing with this issue in your relationship or not, we’d like to hear your opinions and advice when there is a child as a result of an affair. Please provide your thoughts in the comment section below.

 

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    66 replies to "When There is a Child as a Result of an Affair"

    • Gizfield

      I think a lot of people on here are older, so maybe this doesn’t happen a lot, hopefully. In my case, I believe that once my husband has a child with another woman, I would be officially done with him. Sorry.

      • Lynsey

        I agree with Gizfield. If a child was involved, I’d be gone in a flash, especially since my H and I decided before we were married that we didn’t want children. Also, I think a a paternity test should be insisted upon. Most of these AP/whores would do anything to keep the affair going, keep in contact, or use it as a way to extort money.

        • Strengthrequired

          Definitely a paternity test. Its funny though, the male cs who find themselves in a affair, don’t believe the ow is one that sleeps around with anyone, they think they have only been with them. Until a baby is involved, then they have to see if it is theirs. My h never thought his ow would have slept with anyone while she was chasing after him, yet as I told him, she has a exh that wants her back, you supposedly didn’t give into her sexual needs, so if she is sexually frustrated and you are giving it up, then where do you think she is going to go? If not to her exh, then to someone else. Lol

    • Gizfield

      One thing I had decided when I started dating after my first husbands death was that I would not date any man with minor children. I was in my 40s and was not interested in raising someone else’s children. I got pregnant and my daughter was born when I was 45. very little assistance cause my parents are dead and his were too old. So no, I would not take it on in any circumstances. Especially adultery.

      My husband had no children, and indeed told me couldn’t have any. I didnt date anyone else so I never really had to decide in the real world. I know a lot of younger women who date guys with kids who have been left with the kids baby sitting while the guy was out cheating. That would really piss me off, lol.

    • Exercisegrace

      While I agree the child is innocent and should not be punished, my first duty (and I believe his as well) would be to the four innocent children already here. Knowing how damaging the affair itself has been, and in our case dealing with his bunny-boiling, bat shit crazy whore, I would want no part of that on a long-term basis. Provided paternity was proven, support would sent as the law determined. Once the child would be of an age (18?) to establish a separate and independent relationship, I would be open to that. But the rights of a child born of deceit and adultery simply do not supersede the rights of four other children.

      • LoveHurts2018

        I definitely agree with you. The first priority should be the children that were here’s first and were not made out of deceit.

        • EwSeriously?

          KIds are kids regardless of the decisions the ADULTS made. So there is no “these kids take priority of those kids”…don’t be a monster…

          No child should suffer because your husband decided to be a slut.

    • Strengthrequired

      My husbands skank wanted to have a child with him. She wanted to marry him, so to tie him down she also wanted a child. I think in a way, that is what would have scared my h into not sleeping with her, because he already had 6 children at home, one at the time was just 1 yr old. He apparently was so depressed that he had so many children, that he ends up “inlove” gagging as I write, with a woman that already has 3 children plus his 6 then another 1,2,3, lol, that she would have had with him, makes 10 or more. Lol. Silly bugger, it just shows he wasn’t thinking, because he was only going to get himself into more stress. He kept thinking that he wasn’t going to be handing out money to her kids, “because they aren’t his” lol, but of course he would have, because what ever he handed her, would have also went to her kids, lol. Then a new little bundle of ohhh so much joy for him, would have cost him even more of a fortune, while dishing out for his own kids he would have left behind.
      My h told me at the very beginning how depressed he was having to provide for all his kids, because of course I created them all on my own, lol, and how he was working so hard trying to do it. I then told him, so your solution was to go and be with a woman that has 3 children of her own, and of course she is going to want one with you. He stopped and looked at me and said, no I’m not having anymore children. I lol and said that is what you say now, but when you marry her she will want just that to tie you together. So if I were you, I wouldn’t sleep with her until you know exactly what you want, if she is what you want, because I wouldn’t trust that she won’t do something to get pregnant with you now, just to tie you down with her. He stopped and said, I honestly never thought about it. I said to him, if your so depressed now, think about what it will be like with all those extra children, and three of which aren’t even yours. Think about it.
      I think that was the best thing I could have done for him, to have him see, as he was not thinking, he didn’t think that the choice he makes could make him or break him.
      I did have this conversation with my h last year, if skank had his child, then I would have made him go to her and raise that child with her, whether he wanted to or not, because I wouldn’t let another of his children suffer, because of a stupid skank and his bad decision.
      He said, he wouldn’t have stayed with her, because he wanted his family, and I said well that would have been just tuff, because I wouldn’t be able to raise her child, and I certainly didn’t want her attached to me for the rest of my life, because she would now be there all the time because of the child.

    • Mandy

      This didn’t happen to me, but it did happen to a friend. Her husband had an affair with a much younger woman who – of course – had been a trusted friend in their household, and a child was the result. At first they tried to fix the marriage, but visitation to the child meant that the husband was still in contact with the whore. His wife naturally found this intolerable and the marriage fell apart. He of course resumed the affair and actually married the whore because of the child (never mind the child he and his wife already had). I think that if my h had produced a child with his whore, I would have ended the marriage right then. Others may be able to work it out, but I would not be wiling to accept a lifetime of having the child as an permanent reminder of the betrayal in my life, or always having the whore as a presence, even if the only contact with her was the child support check.

      Something else to think about. The financial support he now owes the new child is essentially money stolen from any children he and the wife already have, or from the marriage itself even if there are no children. I don’t mean that the innocent child is stealing the money, because of course that child deserves support, but the husband is the thief. Unless he is extremely wealthy, every resource that goes to the whore’s child mean less resources available to the family he already has.

    • Sarah P.

      Am going to say something possibly controversial here.

      When a woman knowingly continues an affair with a married man and when she gets pregnant, I do not believe this is an “oop-sie”. I believe that it is a very selfishly manipulative action on the part of the other woman in an attempt to get the man to leave his wife and family. The child was not conceived out of love and mutual respect. The child was conceived out of pure selfishness and manipulation without a shred of love for the child or one consideration about the child’s best interest. The child simply becomes a ‘pawn’ in the other woman’s chess game which is used as bait to get the man to leave his family.

      While we can say that the mistress’s child is innocent in all of this, the man’s other children with his wife are also innocent. In the beginning he swore the oath to protect and remain loyal to his first family. When he betrays his wife by getting another woman pregnant, he also betrays his innocent children who have a much longer history with him and to whom he is duty bound.

      I say shame on him and also shame on the mistress for getting pregnant. Yes, it takes two to tango. It takes two to impregnate, but I have yet to come across this type of pregnancy where it happened without intention on the mistresses part. For her to knowingly do this to a child and to use a child in such a way is wholly deplorable.

      If I were in this situation– in that I found out my H is having a child with someone else, I honestly do not know what I would do. All I know is, it would be devastating, especially to our kids. But, my gut tells me, I would tell him to go with his new family while leaving me with the house, alimony and all of our assets. This would not be done out of selfishness but rather out of keeping what was supposed to belong to my kids (and to me) all along.

      Yes, it is harsh, but it is likely what I would do. A precedent cannot be set where the mistress gets rewarded for getting pregnant in order to use a child as a pawn.

      Too harsh? What do ya’ll think?

      • g

        i agree one hundred per cent with the above…. this happened to me, brutal betrayal to me and my children…. very well put Sarah P i couldnt say it better………….. g

        • Fl

          This is me. I am crying my eyes out not knowing where to go to for advice

          • Cal

            I’m in the same boat as well except to put the cherry on top of the Sunday the other woman is my biological cousin who has another child by amother married man

          • BF

            What helped me was reminding myself that regardless of what I chose to do, I would be ok in a few months or a year. You might take less or more time to get over this situation but with time the feelings fade and you’ll be able to breathe again very soon. I remember I kept telling myself that whatever I decided to do would have consequences. I could leave my husband but that wouldn’t make the pain go away immediately. It would still take time for my heart to heal. I knew that I would struggle financially for awhile if I chose divorce but in the end I would be ok. If I chose to stay now that he was finally being honest with me I knew we could fix our marriage but that it would take time too. So just take your time and take everything into consideration.

          • Debbie

            Any updates? My husband of 13yrs cheated on me with a girl he said was 18 going on 19. I came to find out she was only 16 and now pregnant. He is 36,and we have 2 kids 7 and 1. She is barely 2 mnths and does not want to abort. Her family wont press charges but that he has to be there for her and the baby. I really dont want him to be in the babys life,I feel bad thinking that way but I cannot help it. I have 2 older sons from 5 yrs before I met him and they dont know their father.

            • Shocked

              Your husband is a pedophile and he’s lucky the girl’s parents aren’t pressing charges. If I were you, I would leave him. Not only because he cheated and lied but apparently because he also has a fetish for teenage girls…That’s so disturbing that THAT reason alone doesn’t make you want to pack up and leave. Sad.

      • Jen

        My husband just got another woman pregnant. Our kids are 15 and almost 17 so I won’t get much child support. What should I do? We are not legally married but live together.

      • Gail

        Absolutely agree with every thing you wrote, I have told my dickhead hoar son this is what will happen. We have been married 47 yrs, now getting divorced why because the dickhead, has produced a child, itvtook him from the time of conception to telling me 20 months. He brought the Vietnamese hoar back to our 2 nd home it was a holiday home , in November 2016. According to him , he battled with his conscience for months , but Vietnamese hoar sent a photo of child living on dirt floor looking ill an not gaining weight because mums milk was,nt there,, so of he trips to Vietnam an has DNA an hey presto it’s his,, hoar was now either a divorce or husband is dead, this he can’t confirm as it’s all in Vietnamese lol. So he then crosses the T an dots the i an brings her back,, all sleeping together in one bed as house is cold,, now gotbair con ,, as his little girl is not going to suffer, we did though,,but that does nt compute,, his mantra on this is he will,provide every thing for this child as she is,nt going to be wiping body else’s arse. It must be lovely him 68 an her 42 ish our eldest child is 47 . 37. 35. I know all the above because when he told me , l went in to,shut down , no I didnt hit him, just shut down , and because I did,he thought l,accepted it,, I asked him one thing , to pay her maintance an put her in a flat ,, no gail this is the deal, she stays in that house , an you stay here, so one step to far, and he told me some of why wot an when’s , some was lies , as layers forget , so now he will lose half off everything,, and I don’t care a flying fuck how much it will cost him, in moneys for child an hoar or health,, why because this has cost me dearly health wise, and as for the monies, lm comfortable. So his entry an exit door is now closeing faster , and my exit door is widening.

        • Gail

          For got to write Vietnamese hoar has 2 children, 1 age 20 ish other aged 16 ish, and her father was killed in Vietnam war, no,bruvs no,sisters,, tripped himself up again,,she speaks with her sister,, ow really, yes she wants to take Kimly back to,Vietnam , ow really , yes l,shall have to,go,, ow realy why, in case she an kimly dont come back, ow really, she,will,, as you said ,,she was a peasent living in a dirt hut,, my reply but she was,nt was she , she lived in how chi min city,, his reply no,I did,nt. say that ,,, should also have told you that dickhead hoar was still having bank statements coming here,, so,after he left, l went through every bit of paper work and added up,how much it has cost him an me to finance her an child to live in 2nd home,,his dowery was
          he refurbished a brick house for her sons . And also has to post a bond for her an child with exsternal monies, hers being 30,000 an child 5,000 ,child one raising yr on yr. he an them have no health insurance ow dear , never mind , you won’t have to worry soon, your be able to buy a family one , as we had for yrs here,
          So as I wrote about the door,, my shoulders have also narrowed. Our eldest child is absolutly mental an phyciacally done , she an her husband where looking after me . So now it’s for me to look after them now,,

    • Sarah P.

      PS-
      I actually had an adult acquaintance who was born out of such a situation. She is in her mid-40’s now. She is a French woman. Anyhow, long ago, her mom was willingly the mistress of a married man and intentionally got pregnant with my acquaintance in order to get the man to leave his family. (The woman’s mom has told her the backstory many times painting herself as the victim… just sick, eh?)

      Well, the man did not leave his wife and was not even legally required at the time to provide his mistress with child support. Who suffered the most? Well, it was my acquaintance since her own mom was too lazy to get a job and they lived off of whatever money the married man could pilfer per month under the radar and send their way. So, there was never enough food, heat in the house, or clothing. Her mom was an emotional cripple and my acquaintance was parenti-fied by her mom and had to be her emotional crutch.

      Eventually her mom died of cancer, my acquaintance moved from France to the Caribbean, and to this day, even though she lives with a man who has a heart of gold, she refuses to accept his pleas to get married and she refuses to have children. Her own pain is too great and she believes that if she were to get married and have children, she would be overwhelmed. Fortunately her boyfriend is patient and sticks with her– he really is a nice man.

      If I were her, all I could say is, “Gee, thanks, Mom!” (Sarcasm). I mean really, if her mom were still alive, what kind of Mother’s Day card could you buy for such a person?? I can think of a few insulting ones, but nothing from the Hallmark store seems to capture the essence of such a relationship. Maybe Hallmark needs to come up with a section titled:
      “The Messed Up Family Section” complete with cards that fit the bill. (Although I am betting they would get more business from that section than they ever anticipated).

    • Strengthrequired

      Sarah, it really is a move the ow takes on, to get the h to leave his w and children. I know, it is exactly what the ow wanted to do in my situation. I know if my h had actually made that step of getting into a physical affair with her, there would have been no hope for him, she would have made sure she got pregnant. I am sure she would have known, that it would be the one thing that had more of a chance of having me leave my h, than anything else she would try and do.
      It also would have had my h tied to her more than ever. For a bs to want nothing more than to have the ow out of their life for good, and to have that not ever being the case due to a child being born out of infidelity, it is just a contestant reminder to the bs, the w that is willing to stand by her h, in such circumstances, well, let’s just say, she would be more stronger than I would ever imagine. That constant reminder of all that heartache staring you in the face everyday, feeling like the healing would never happen.
      The ow and her offspring, it would be so devastating to have them take anymore from my children, than what they already have. Everything we have built together, my h and I, was for our children, to have her or her children, claim any part of it, would just infuriate me. My h and I know, what we have is our children’s, it goes to our children, we can’t take it with us when we are gone.
      At the beginning of the ea, my h told me, I will never sleep with her while I am married to you, you need to believe that.
      Then he told me how the ow wanted him to tell me that she had slept with him, so I would leave him alone. He told her, that he would not tell me that he had slept with her, when it wasn’t true. Of course she didn’t like his response.
      So yes, if she had gotten her way, at getting him to get physical, with her, I am quite certain she would have made sure she became pregnant, just to keep my him. Some are just that desperate.

    • Strengthrequired

      And Sarah, just like your acquaintance, it is the children that suffer the most. It was not their choice to be born in such circumstances, and their arrival should have been one of joy and love, as well as excitement, not out of being used as a pawn to get what the want. All children need to come into this world as a celebration to their life, and unfortunately in these circumstances these little ones just have so much sadness and conflict associated around their birth, that it is very sad, and no matter how much the bs, know that it wasn’t the child’s fault for being born out of infidelity, it is also very hard for the bs, to open up their heart and arms to this child, but we can only imagine the pain that the bs goes through, and the torment the bs will out themselves through just trying for the sake of the child.
      The ow should be ashamed of themselves to want to bring a child into the world, through. Such a despicable way, one that is not even thinking of the child they are bringing into the world, as for the cs, they should be ashamed for even allowing it to happen in the first place. So many lives are hurt from the start, yet the consequences of their actions just don’t even come into play until it’s too late.

    • Paula

      This was a situation we had a very real possibility of facing, as in the aftermath of the affair, my partner realised with a lot more clarity how stupid he had been, just sexually (let’s not go there with the other crimes we can hang on his stupidity!) He realised that she was TRYING to get pregnant when he was in the “process” of ending it (ahem! shouldn’t you not sleep with them anymore?) and we waited. After all, we learnt that the child seh already had was conceived by stealing sperm from a used condom! Scary. He didn’t even use condoms with her, but he was no longer ejaculating in her, we all know that does not prevent conception, and she could have turkey basted, lol. We had to wait to see if this was how it was going to play out. I knew the last date they had sex, so I counted down, I figured if we heard nothing about a baby within the next five months, we were probably in the clear. We were lucky, she was in her 40s and we since found out she had chlamydia, so was probably not as fertile as she may have been ten years earlier, lol!

      This is how I processed all of that. I had no idea if it would end “us” or not – I think in all probability it may have done, even if not immediately. I decided that if there was a child, it would be my children’s brother or sister, and there was no way around that. I also decided that it was not the child’s fault, if we stayed together, it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that we may apply for custody! I know, sounds crazy, I know two women who are raising mistress’s children, one without the father in her life, she is AWESOME and her son (she has adopted him) is doing very well without a deadbeat mum and dad. I think the only reasonable way of coping is to acknowledge your children’s half-siblings hard as that may be, and to treat them as you would any of their dearest friends.

    • Strengthrequired

      You know Paula, I doubt if my h ow had become pg with his child, that she would have handed it over to us to raise. It would have been just a tool for her to use to keep my h in her life.
      Yet I think to even consider staying with the h if his mistress had his child, and to even be able to open your arms out to this child, the shock of it all, had to be out of the way, before one can accept there is a child.
      As I said earlier, the w,who can overcome that, and stay with the h, is definitely a strong person.

      The women you know and have raised the children of the mistress, they are very wonderful strong women.

    • Sarah P.

      Paula,
      You are a much stronger and more forgiving person than I could ever be.

      Here is a question– if it had happened and you now had the OW’s child as a member of your family, how could you get past the anger and the daily reminder that the child standing in front of you was a result of the ultimate betrayal?

      I think a higher power must’ve intervened here and said no more children for such an unfit mother. (I am referring to the OW here.)

    • Strengthrequired

      Sarah, I honestly think my heart would break over and over again, if my h had a child with the ow. His first initial complaint about me after his ea started, and even what he told the ow, was he had too many children and he was stressing about paying for them all.
      So for him to have been so careless by getting her pregnant, would have been a stab to the heart, for me as well as his children. Funny though that he didn’t even consider the fact that she wanted his child. He knew he didn’t want anymore, but we all know, if he married her, and she was still of child bearing age, then a child would have been created.
      Also the ow, she would have tried anything to have what she wanted. I remember my h saying how she was a hypocrite because she would complain to him that we had all these children, and how stupid I was, then in the next breathe she would tell him of her plans of wanting more kids, on top of her three.

    • 2redhorses

      Oh man.
      This is something I think of time to time and one of the few things I am thankful of that didn’t happen during their stupidness.
      I don’t even want to put energy into thinking about what if, but I’m pretty sure that would be my cue to split.
      It’s difficult enough to recover from an affair, but having a child as a constant reminder? Too mush for this wife.

    • Sarah P.

      Hi Strength,
      The fact that your H said his 6 kids stress him out and then never connected the fact that his OW was trying to intentionally get pregnant is incredible. Obviously because of the other woman, his IQ dropped 50 points. (Sarcasm). If I were you I would have been so ticked off if she conceived a child. It would have added insult to injury. Thank goodness she did not.

      But it makes me wonder if the stress he felt because of kids made him vulnerable to an affair. I have noticed that so many men require that their wives have children. But then several children later they do not want to be present to raise them. That is, they hit the golf course or stay late at work or even choose to travel extensively for work. I am not saying this is your husband– just saying that it sounds like he might not have been prepared for the incredible emotional and time investment that comes with having a large family.

      Do you have relatives that can babysit so that you two can go on dates?

      • Strengthrequired

        Hi Sarah, you know something, at the beginning of the ea, it was my fault for us having so many children, it was something the ow used to help my h feel like he was doing the right thing being with her, because your damaged you for having so many children. The fact is, my h has always been a great dad, such a wonderful provider etc, so,when his business hit hard times, he began to stress and get depressed, the more harder he worked, because the economy took a turn for the worse, so of course our business started to suffer, and my h felt like a bit of a failure, (yet by all means he wasn’t failing anyone). Midlife started to hit him, he had such plans he wanted to accomplish, and it just seemed to be more out of reach. So his self esteem dropped, just as the ow decided to come back into our lives, she needed so,done to,help her, he felt good helping her out, because he didn’t need to focus on what was really happening, acted like all was ok with me, but of course once overseas, he literally lost the plot. She made sure that he understood that it was my fault he was suffering, and that I didn’t deserve him. So which is where she used the amount of children we have as being the reason for all his problems.
        Yet there is sometching about my h, he loves his family, he is lost without them, so he was quite low for her to drag him down further and have him feel like the kids and I didn’t deserve him, that he is just a paycheque. That is what he started to believe.
        Yet on his arrival home, when he ended up separating from us for a month, he just became even more depressed because he missed his family so much.
        Now he hates being apart from us, and when he is home, the younger 4 children as two are adults, just hang off of him, and he loves it. Now the ow, all i can say is she tried, tried to break his family, and tried to replace his family with her own, yet it didn’t work. Yet it really would have been a kick in the teeth, if he had of had a child with her, after him at the beginning blaming me for the amount of children we had. Funny though, he would have just left from the pot to the fire if he ended up staying with her. Not sure how he would have coped, knowing he did that to himself.

        • Sarah P.

          Strength,

          The OW here is really messed up. I would say narcissist-borderline-sociopath. She has qualities that cross over all three categories. I really hope he never gets roped in to speaking with her again. The reason I say that is because women like this will intentionally manufacture all kinds of bait or false obligations in order to drag a man back to the dynamic.

          If I were you, I would get a restraining order. Do you have one?

          • Strengthrequired

            Sarah, I would love to put a restraining order on her, but my h won’t, because ATM she only tries to contact him once over a few months, and is getting less as time goes on. He seems to think she is letting go, also if she is trying to call him, she will only call on a private number so he doesn’t know she is calling, yet my h doesn’t always answer private numbers and if he does get a call from a private he waits for them to leave a message and he calls back that person, yet occasionally he answers and she gets through. So really we don’t know how often she tries to contact him, and even if she doesn’t go past his place of work in the hopes of catching him. He hasn’t seen her, but it doesn’t mean she hasn’t tried.
            Yet I have told my h if she doesn’t stop, then he needs to get a restraining order against her. So I guess we will see. I actually wanted to talk to a solicitor about her using our surname, yet all I think of, is not pushing her to change it legally. So I just keep my eyes open.

            • Strengthrequired

              Honestly Sarah, who just leaves a marriage, and isn’t even divorced and starts chasing another man and making arrangements to get married and have a child with him, and the divorce hadn’t even finalised with her husband at the time. Yet also the man she was chasing hadn’t left his wife or even divorced his wife and wasn’t planning to. It just doesn’t seem to me like a normal rational behaviour a person would do.

    • g

      Sarah P very well said, i agree wholeheartedly with you…. i was the victim of my h having an affair or double life as it really was with a work colleague and she had a child or alledgely a son from this affair….. they were still together on and off 20 years later… i have three children myself with my h and all i can say is that the shock of finding out six years ago and the lies he told me leave you numb till you go to your grave………………g

    • Exercise grace

      It’s interesting to me that a whore could get herself pregnant, and if she decided to have an abortion then the married man would have NO say in that decision. Even if he wanted the child. Even if he and his wife were willing to adopt and raise the child. He would have no legal rights or recourse whatsoever. Yet, if she decides to get pregnant and keep the child suddenly he not only HAS rights, he has legally enforceable obligations to this child. Call me crazy, but this double standard does not sound right. If you want to say its your body and your choice, then stick with that even when things don’t go entirely your way.

      My children were carefully and responsibly planned. Born into a marriage with sound resources, and toe loving and committed parents. Thank God we never had to deal with an other child. But if we had, I would feel no obligation whatsoever beyond what the law forced. What a child deserves is would be largely irrelevant to me at this point. Unfortunately children are born every day to drug addicts, alcoholics, poverty stricken families, inner city crime, and all manner of horrible situations. It isn’t fair and they don’t deserve it. But their mother chose to get pregnant. Even if that choice was by the default of not using birth control. I have yet to read of an OW getting pregnant by pure chance.

      • NotTrue

        That’s sick that you think that way. A child is a child no matter the circumstances of conception. My daughter was conceived when her father LIED about his marital status. I didn’t find out the truth until after I was pregnant. She was not planned but she is 100% wanted. And his bitter wife, who thinks much the way you do, can keep him. Even if she had left I wouldn’t want him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Men who cheat and who can abandon ANY of their children are disgusting. A woman who can support that without feeling sick to her stomach looking at him every day is just as disgusting. My daughter deserves a relationship with her father just like his other children, including the one they share. Anything less and he’s still a deadbeat and she’s a woman supporting a deadbeat. I stopped feeling sorry for her when she made it clear she blamed me for his infidelity and not terminating my pregnancy out of consideration for their crumbling marriage. I stopped feeling sorry for her when her hostile attitude toward my unborn child became apparent. Babies are innocent. Her husband is not. She, as a result of supporting something as unnatural as “no contact” with his own child, is not. People like you are sad.

        • V

          Your daughter deserves better than you and her father have given her. No child deserve to known that their creation was from dishonesty, immoral character, bad judgement, lies, deceit, lust and distruction of others. You can’t make someone be a parent just because you want it. If you get pregnant from an adulteress affair the most you can expect is financial support. You’re hurting, but so is everyone you and the married man put and in this situation. You and him made a terrible mistake. Love your child and after the healing of this situation just maybe EVERYONE can move forward to an inclusive family. One more thing, stop calling him a deadbeat if he is financially supporting the child and give the wife a break. She’s hurting and probably trying help find the best solution for all. Lastly, be thankful you are not in her shoes. Be Blessed

    • Sarah P.

      ExerciseGrace,

      All I can say is “me too”. Before I met my husband, I kept my vow to my future children which was that I would not have children until I was married and had established financial means to care for them. My husband had the same values so we were on the same page. We married at 30 and had children only after having everything set up for a family. That was just a personal choice because I wanted the children to be born into the very best situation possible. In my view, ‘the best situation possible’ meant having a loving marriage, having a home with a yard, having money to set aside for college, and having emotional maturity.

      That is yet another reason why I cannot relate to OW who get pregnant during affairs.

      One of my acquaintances told me a new story about that today about someone who lives in our small town. The guy is a married dentist with children. Apparently, his dental assistant intentionally got pregnant since he refused to leave his wife. So, both his wife and the OW gave birth to his children during the same time period. The husband did not want a divorce, the wife stayed, and the dentist supports his own kids plus the OW’s kids who has visitation in his home. What a mess of a situation. What is terrible for the wife is that she and her H are from a culture where divorce is pretty much prohibited and women have no rights. So, even though they live in the U.S., the cultural values run strong. Even if she wanted a divorce, it wouldn’t be possible.

      Stories like that make me absolutely ill. I know that the man chose to sleep with the woman, which was wrong. But, it is known in this particular case that the mistress did this intentionally in order get him to leave his wife. She wanted what she thought was a charmed life (being a dentist’s wife) and felt it would be easy to get rid of the wife. Apparently now she is ticked off that he didn’t leave.

      I feel so sorry for the wife and her children.

    • Strengthrequired

      That just goes to show , how lucky we are that our husbands didn’t father a child with the ow. Given the chance I know my h ow would have done the same thing as the dentist assistant. Yet I’m not sure I would have stayed, if it did.

    • Lovey

      Married 33 years …found out 7 years ago my husbands 14 year adulterous ‘arrangment’ with a woman 17 years my junior. They had two children…Our family devoted to the Lord deeply shocked and wounded by the huberous since it was simply as ploy to gain income.

      All of us highly educated …the OW is an extreme leftest and did not want marriage, solicited my husband and he ‘went for it ‘ …He ‘compartmentalized.

      We are all still reeling despite our deep faith and efforts to live rightly, Our adult daughters are still unmarried and who knows what will come . We found out just after a move to a new place so no social network or any support anywhere . No family …no acquaintances of any length or depth due to many moves .

      My husband moved out after a faint attempt to ‘work out ‘ issues …He has no character to endure the damage he has caused but plenty of ability to deceive all who he works with and his family . NONE know of this .

      I have been studying and awaiting the way the Lord will work this out . I am retired and not able to work …my husband continues to struggle to pay for our bills and continues to support the children of the OW ….but she does not work …goes to school for a second degree on the government . A true parasite.

      My husband says he has no love for her but continues to keep company with the kids which I felt was important for them but I did not want him to leave our home to do so.

      I see little going to change unless he has a true conviction and change of heart. So far he is still all about himself . He has gone through our savings and retirement to pay support .

      Sorry is only part of the necessity …change and an ongoing effort to care for those he harmed in this . The children of adultery are ‘innocent ‘ victims of these two selfish people but I almost feel they might have been better off if they had not known him since he is a poser and sooner or later they will grow to understand that he is a false , empty suit.

      Our children have had to realize as I have that all of our lives were a false reality formed around this man’s skills to betray and present himself as a great guy , a person who cares about others …but now we see that we did not matter all that much to him

      He was not neglected…he neglected so many of the areas of his privileges to be a husband and father that he ‘created his own ‘need’ for ‘extra’ while missing out on all the ways a husband and father is matured and blessed by engaging in the marriage covenant he vowed to fulfill til death do we part.

      He missed out but he stole from all of us ….and so did the OW …They fill their own cup of wrath which they WILL drink to the full unless they confess their sin and repent and learn to walk rightly .

      “Love works not ill to his neighbor ..” …..so adultery is NOT in any way, shape, or form ‘love’

    • Raquel.19

      I find relief in reading many of these comments to get further insight on the other side. I was the women engaged in the affiar, and am deeply remorseful for any wife/finance/girlfriend that is going through this. As humans we make impact full and even devastating choices in our lives. Unfortunately there is no wrong or right way to deal this situation. I became pregnant with my lovers child, having unprotected sex with him only one time, the rest I always made sure we were covered. One time literly is all it took. Now it is a lifetime of hurt, and pain caused to your child, his child, our families and of course the one who was betrayed. Never would I defend my actions under these circumstances, but every situation is different. I always knew he wasn’t the man for me, I never pictured us together because in the end…. why would you want somebody who would do that to whom they love right. Yes there obviously is attraction, physically, emotionally what ever it maybe be but not worth it in the long run. The hurt started from the beginning when we started seeing each other. I always ended things after I saw him, it’s not right. Countless times of ignoring him, blocking him, but later started showing up physically to my work, school, and place of work. I should of had a restraint order, but something told me to show compassion to this man and find out what is wrong with him. Why is he doing this? What could be so bad that he has to stay in contact with me? Wrong choice to give in, talk to him, have him take me out. I never texted him, or called him because in the end I never wanted to be the one who became between this man and his releationship. He made many choices to get involved with me, and I made the choice to let him. We will both be at fault and no matter what, and the outcome will have devastating damage. My child is only 8 months, and it as been hell dealing with her father and his wife. I cut communication with him through out my pregnancy. He told me what any other married man would say and not what mother wants to hear about her unborn child. Classic of course he started showing up my apartment unannounced when I was seven months. Later about a month after my child was born miraculously showed up to my new place . I ask him from the very begining to sign over his rights so we can both move on. He denied it, and told me he wanted to be the father his father never was to him. He begged me to forgive him, and that he wanted to be together and start a new chapter. So quick to bash his wife on everything, kind of sad. I stood strong and said NO, do not give in to him again. It’s hard but I like I said before, I could not but my daughter through the hurt and pain. His wife forgave him and his tone suddenly changes. He wants to fight for custody, and demands he sees her. Mind you she 2 months, I was upset because any human with dignity would let the other person know. “HEY, I KNOW I TOLD YOU I WANTED TO BE TOGETHER AND START A NEW LIFE WITH OUR DAUGHTER, BUT MY WIFE AND I HAVE DECIDED TO WORK THINGS OUT”. At the very least…. I was hurt but angry at the fact this coward didn’t even have the ball to do that. I still am coping with him being so manipulate to get what he wants. It’s been a hell of a ride, and he hasn’t really seen my daughter because of disagreement. His wife consistly attacks me for everything, and in my case is the crazy in this situation. My God it is extremely stressful and unpleasant, I’m talking about 20-30 long MMS. I would never wish this on anybody, and regret ever telling him or getting a lawyer to have it taken to court. Visit with my daughter will start soon, and will handle these crazies as they come at me. My entire concern in this dilemma is my daughter and how she will be treated/raised on that side. I wish and try to point out many time that it’s better for him to let go and walk away if he want his marriage to thrive, despite the effects it might have on my daughter. Unfortunately nothing all I can do on my part is try to put myself in the wife shoes and understand her feelings as well. (Not matter how mental she might be) If it were me on the other side, definitely take in to consideration all the people that would be effect if I stayed or left. I would leave in the end because I would want my old self back. Free, caring, happy-go-lucky, when you stay in an releationship when a child is produced for the affiar it’s always going to remind you. You turn into sombody your not, remember that…. it happens on both sides. Take care of you first so you can be a better mother to your children both OW/WIFE.

      • ConfusedCarrie

        I am replying to you, the OW, because you are on the opposite side of my situation right now. I am the WIFE of a man who has just found out that my H has not one, but TWO, children with the OW. I am smack in the middle of it now! I am about 3 weeks into this dilemma, so I came here looking for support from someone who has been through this, and for some reason I resonate with your post.
        Sometimes I feel like I AM the crazy one for the anger I feel towards her! I think the way these other people think, that she must have planned it. She knew he was married, (she even knew who I was), yet I have never seen her in person. She had been in contact with my husband, she talked about her wants of being with him, having a house full of kids with him, and here I was completely BLIND & FOOLISH to any of it for over a year!
        We don’t have kids of our own. I am 43 years old, so I don’t see any in my future (she is 30 btw,my husband 44) I feel like it is my fault b/c he expressed to me a few years ago that his biggest regret was not having kids. I felt like my time for having them was over by then, so in my situation I am HAPPY he has kids (even if they aren’t by me). That may sound crazy to others but that is where I am right now. We are trying to work it out, I think, but I struggle daily with everything everyone else has expressed. The constant reminders, the where do I go from here. I have shared most of my life with this man. We met when we were 18 and married 4 months later. We have been married almost 25 years this March. Everyone thought we were perfect, the perfect couple, but it has been only lately that I feel I have been blind & stupidly naïve.
        I know nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes, and that you should forgive. I was brought up in church, so I also have moral values that I fight against as far as the adultery is concerned. The lying was the hardest for me. We always said if we wanted someone else we would leave before we would cheat. I tried to leave 2 years ago because I had feelings for someone else, but we worked through that. And then I find out he has known about these kids (ages 6 & 8) for over a year now, and has been in contact with them for a few months before he finally told me.
        Then there is this health issue that he feels his days are numbered. So add the guilt of that onto the already flood of emotions. My mind changes daily (sometimes hourly) from love him & make it work to leave him and let him deal on his own the mess he made.
        It made me so angry in the beginning when I would talk about her, and he would defend her, saying this is all on him and it wasn’t her fault, well no I feel the same as another poster…it takes 2 to tango! So I don’t bring her up anymore. I only talk about the kids. He loves them & they love him and they don’t even know he is their real father, but his oldest (the boy) calls him Dad. The little girl has a daddy (who she thinks is her daddy), so she says she has 2 daddies. It is a complicated situation, and I don’t blame the children. They didn’t ask to be born, they are here. I haven’t met them yet either. I’ve only seen pictures. I wanted my H to bring them around, but he says he doesn’t want to confuse them, and the timing hasn’t been right yet.
        So I am literally in limbo here just waiting. I have no idea what God’s plan is, I have no idea what to do, or where to go from here.
        I just thought maybe if you saw it from the wife’s perspective you would see why she may be acting crazy. I know the circumstances are very different, and I like to think I am a good person, not typically crazy, but the situation I was unwillingly put in is all new territory for me. I am trying to deal in as mature a matter as I can, but sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and say here you go, you can have him! Then other times, I can’t see me without him in my life, and the thought of him dying scares me so I want to spend as much time as I can with him b/c we are not promised a tomorrow.

    • Fl

      My husband had the first and i was devastated ‘ by the time i was thinking to forgive them there was another on the way that was hidden from me until she gave but.The most shocking part of it is when she called me and said i shld know she has a second child for my husband and if i doubt it i shld check her profile on facebook and see the resemblance and that she did it cos my husband would leave me and come to her.i have babies the same age like hers’ one and two years olds.i am still to work ‘my husband works to sustain us’ is this good to listen to.

    • AB

      I just found out this very thing on Christmas day. I found a card from another woman to my husband announcing her pregnancy accompanied with a sonogram. Her card included her undying love for him and thanking god for their good fortune and the ability to hold their god ‘s gift in their arms soon.

      Before I could even confront him about it – he moved out the next day while I was at work to his mom’s house. The last time I talked to him before New Year’s – I asked him to come home so we could talk about next steps – His reply “why should I come home, just to be told how bad I messed up.” Today I found out that he went to see his mistress this weekend and told his sister that he is not moving back to our home. Looks like everyone knows what’s going to happen in my life before I do.

      The only thing I am grateful is that he managed to put enough money in the account so that the mortgage could be paid this month. Now next month… who knows – may lose my house cause the mortgage is on my name because my credit was better – but both names on deed. So, even if we sell it -and maybe make some money he will still get half. And since we don’t have any children together – their child will receive monetary consideration BEFORE my alimony. Just how many ways can I get screwed?

    • BF

      I found out in September 2016 that my husband of almost 5 years had an affair years before and a child. Found out through the child’s grandfather since the mother was in bad shape financially and emotionally. Child already had a legal father, the mother’s ex boyfriend. But I guess the grandfather doesn’t want the legal father in the child’s life and somehow got the true identity of the bio dad and contacted me through social media. Honestly, I always suspected that my husband had an affair but figured he’d just lie so never asked and just left it in God’s hands and figured I’d find out eventually. But it was still a shock and a bigger shock that he may possibly have a child. I say possibly because when I confronted my husband about it he admitted to the affair but said the other woman told him the child was not his and proceeded to move out of town when she found out she was pregnant. She occasionally contacted him to ask for money but because he didn’t think the child was his and he wasn’t the legal father he never sent any. Well in September when I found out I made arrangements with the child’s grandfather and dragged my husband to meet this child that he hoped wasn’t his and did a home DNA test. He was the bio dad of course. Now we never planned/wanted to have kids and I always said I would leave him if I found out he had cheated but after getting the truth out and he admitted to and got help for trauma he suffered as a child, I decided to forgive him and help him with his daughter. Although he still isn’t the legal father, we get the child at least 1 week out of the month for them to bond while we await a court hearing to get the birth certificate, custody, and child support all changed and legal. I love my friend’s children and this child was no different for me. To me the child is a victim like me of bad decisions made and my goal is for the child not to feel unwanted or unloved. In my case, the mother doesn’t intrude into our lives and doesn’t use the child against my husband so although it’s been less than 6 months since I found out, our marriage feels stronger than ever now that I don’t feel like I’m being lied to. Don’t get me wrong, I have bad moments and I am constantly checking up on my husband and he’s following all rules I laid out so that is really helping in rebuilding our marriage. What helped me is knowing how easily an affair can happen and remembering that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I know myself and if I had thought for a split second that I couldn’t love my husband’s child then I would have walked away. I wasn’t going to be the reason for this child to grow up without a father. If I decided to forgive and stay married, I had to accept the fact that my husband was now a package deal and had to accept him and his child. The child in a way has helped me heal and get through this difficult time in my life. I thought the child would be a constant reminder of what had happened but to me it’s not. When I see this child all I feel is love and my only desire is to protect and care for the child in the way that every child deserves to be. All children should be loved and cherished, despite the circumstances of their birth.

    • anne

      I found out on christmas day by find k ng a card addressed to my husband that he was having an affair and th s t he now has made her pregnant…card was accompied with an ultrasound. Husband moved half his stuff to his mot h ers while i was at work. He lied for two years that this woman was just a friend. I trusted him. He moved out and is sleeping at his moms. I went over to the holidays and my father in law big birthday party uesterday and he completely ignored me. Luckily he is dtill putting money in our account because i can not pay the mortgage withou that money. I have anxiety attacks about filing for divorce..losing house.. . at least
      I can make it work…but i am heart broken twice over..ehen i see him at his moms and he behaves like i am nothing iy lills me. I syill cry everday… My life as i knew it is over and i am having difficulty copi b g with life.

      • Beauty for Ashes

        Anne so sorry for the unfortunate circumstance and position your husband has placed you in. I too was placed in the same situation. I ironically found out about my spouse’s affair on Christmas Day and soon later that his mistress is expecting a child. My husband is still at home, but it kills me to think that he has broken the trust I once had in our marriage. We also have children together that I fear will lose the family they have always known.

        I understand the financial stress that burdens you as you contemplate managing the household alone. I too worry that I cannot manage without my husband’s help.

        I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

        I

        • anne

          Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry that your husband has placed you in a similiar situation. I do hope that your husband is remorseful and not like mine.
          I attempted to contavt the lawyer to proceed with divorce and had an anxiety attack..and of course proceeded to beat myself up over my lack of courage.
          Thank you so much for your prayers. You are very kind as your kind words jelped me very much.

          • Beauty for Ashes

            I too have consulted an attorney, but was not given good news. I could end up having to pay him each month since I make more money. I refuse to help him take care of his mistress. Try not to beat yourself up, we tend to make their affair our fault, when really it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with what’s wrong with them. Keep your head up and surround yourself with positive people who can help you get through this difficult time without judging your decisions.

      • L

        My H had a child 15 months ago and the 2 nd 4 months ago.
        I too am heartbroken ,devastated.
        We have 3 children
        I cannot bear the guilt of breaking up our family – likewise I cannot cope with the present situation
        I don’t know how to go on xx

        • anne

          L ,
          I am so very sorry to hear how badly your husband is behaving. I can not believe your strength in dealing with an impossible situation. It took me a long time to realize that i was the only one that thought we were married.
          I am so sorry that your husband does not see the horrible choices he has made and the devastating pain he has caused.
          L..please please think about what kind of example he is showing to your kids about how to behave and treat someone you suppossedly love. I know you would never want your children to be treated tgis way. I admire your tenacity..and strength. I hope that some of your stamina can be channeled t o wards 9th our wellbeing. Keep posting. Best Anne

    • anne

      We can not give up. My first atty consult told me to declare bankruptcy and sell the house. Every state is different. Mine is an “equitable distribution”..which means it doesnt mean 50/50..just that it is close too fair. Are you in a no fault state?
      This new atty that i literally just put a retainer on.. Will via for a lump sum payment and sad lso to have him uphold the verbal agreement my h made to pay for my therapy.
      I finally had to say no more when my h went to Massachusetts last weekend to see his mistress. No more pain.no more.

    • Cecilia

      How can i find records of this women prenancy check up she says she 7 months pregnant but doesnt look like it.i think she trying to hold on to my man.help ?.

    • NotTrue

      I’m really disappointed in this article and the posts. I don’t do statistical studies on the issue but all of these cases seem to imply that the “affair partner”/mistress are aware that the husband is married. I can tell you that isn’t always the case. I can also tell you that the feeling of “I don’t get the husband, then I don’t want the baby” is sick and also not a majority feeling. At least in my case. I recently was an unknowing participant in a husband cheating on his wife. My naivety and lack of birth control, as well as his lies and deceit resulted in the concoction of our child. As soon as I found out he was married, not separated or single, my feelings for him completely disappeared. My child was instantly my only priority and she’s 100% wanted by me. He, on the other hand, as well as his bitter wife are not involved at all. And she isn’t even born yet. The reasoning is “He can’t be involved with your child out of respect for me and our family/marriage.” This baby is a part of his family whether he likes it or not. And when you post these “no contact” articles with the assumption that my child was kept out of revenge or I’m still pining after an unfaithful man, you’re harming my daughter’s potential to have a relationship with her father by poisoning the thoughts of people like his wife. She’s insisted that she can be a “intermediary” as one of your articles suggested…yet also claims I should have gotten an abortion as soon as I found out he was married with a family out of care for her and her child. As if that’s my responsibilit or my child’s fault, instead of her husband’s. Anyway, just perusing around the Internet, there are no resources for the woman who was an unsuspecting mistress keeping an affair child, yet hundreds for a cheating spouse and their partner. It’s disheartening and not representative of reality. Which is sometimes the disloyal and the loyal spouse are both terrible people unable to control their emotions, and the ultimate cost is an innocent child suffering.

      • Iconic

        Not true, I personally think your response is very naive and selfish. The person at fault here, is the man you chose to father your child. He was someone’s husband and already a father. He had a family. You don’t explain much about the circumstances but claim to have been lied to? If he was married, he had a home and family he needed to report (lie) to every night and weekends? Weren’t you wondering where he was sleeping? Living? There would’ve had to be secrets, unanswered calls, unexplained absences. A man that’s not available everyday is ‘unavailable’ for a reason. Anyways, we’lI give you the benefit of the doubt.
        So back to the present situation … Why would you have anything negative to say about the wife? Her life has just been blown up! She’s probably hurting and so confused. That’s why like you she’s probably scouring for resources to assist and suggesting to be an ‘intermediary’ as some article (you refer to) suggests. That shows she’s also trying to do the right thing with the knowledge she has … but SHE’S STILL IN PAIN!!! Where’s your empathy for her and her child? You expect consideration and empathy for your child. She’s also trying to protect her child!
        How dare you call her bitter’ and ‘terrible’. Even if she is, can you blame her? This is someone who also has been lied too, who’s discovered that the life she was living was fake & now has a reminder of her husbands betrayal and the breakdown of her family. The wife and her child, just like your child is innocent aswell.
        Consider showing a little more understanding and kindness and you’d probably get a better response. Most of these wives are more worried about the ow/ap intentions. Interact with good intention, Respect her marriage, work with her as an intermediary for the benefit of your daughter and over time she’ll realize that the real piece of ish is the slimeball who fathered these poor kids! Not true, I personally think your response is very naive and selfish. The person at fault here, is the man you chose to father your child. He was someone’s husband and already a father. He had a family that he betrayed. I’m not sure about your circumstances but you claim to have been lied to? If he was married, he had a home and family he needed to report (lie) to every night? Weren’t you wondering where he was sleeping? Living? There would’ve had to be secrets, unanswered calls, unexplained absences. A man that’s not available everyday is ‘unavailable’ for a reason. Anyways, let’s say I give you the benefit of the doubt. Why would you have anything bad to say about the wife? Her husband & you blew up her life! She’s probably hurting and so confused. You expect consideration and empathy … where’s yours for the wife & the CHILD?!?! She’s also trying to protect her child! You called the wife bitter’ and ‘terrible’. This is someone who also has been lied too, who’s discovered that the life she was living was fake & now has a reminder of her husbands betrayal and the breakdown of her family. The wife and her child, just like your child is innocent aswell.
        You may disagree with her wanting to be a ‘intermediary’ but
        I’ve seen this situation before, the ow knew the guy was married. She thought she was so clever & free. They had a ‘sex without benefits’ agreement. She asked for more, he said no! Then secure in job, finances etc decided that she was going to fall pregnant as almost 40. She reasoned to all our friends that she’s independent and wanted to be a mom but options were running out. She felt he was a wonderful father to his existing kids. When we asked about his wife, she claimed they never spoke about her or his marriage?! She ‘forgot’ her pill. Waited until the 12wk mark to tell him. He said he’ll take responsibility & support her. Speak to her family and his. He accompanied her to a hospital visit. She was so happy & agreeable … until he told the wife.
        When she wanted to leave him, he begged her to stay & felt he could meet his obligations and save his marriage. The poor wife. Beautiful & kind woman. Looks so sad now. Anyway, he told the ow, he wanted a meeting incl. his wife to sort out financial arrangements & breaking news to her family and his children. When the ow realized that he was fighting for his wife. She refused the meeting & started telling friends he threw her under the bus… he then realized that this was not a ‘mistake’. She intended to break up his family. He sent her a message that he was going ‘no contact’ until the baby arrived, then they could do a paternity test & he’ll meet his financial & emotional obligations to the child. When the baby was born, she didn’t notify him. Their previous colleagues told him. He messaged her for paternity test and she just said no & cut him off. Blocked him. Ignored.
        I don’t get any info now because she knows how I feel about it. But yes, there are women who intentionally fall pregnant thinking they can control the situation. It’s very selfish and usually they act all hurt and disappointed. To cover their actions a lot will say they didn’t know the guy was married. But come on now .. we women all know a friend/relative/ colleague/neighbor/acquaintance who’s been there & done that.
        I feel ppl who cheat and who date cheaters deserve each other. Let them forever be stressing about what the other is doing. And b/s need to find ‘chump lady’ and build new lives for themselves!

        • NotTrue

          1) He’s in the military. He was in my town for a few months for training. His friends protected his lie and he perpetuated it. When he wasn’t at work, he was with me. So I don’t need the benefit of the doubt when I have the truth.
          2) I do blame him for his part in things. Like I said, i alreDy take personal responsibility for sleeping with someone without any birth control methods. However, his wife is just as responsible as he is for the terrible treatment of my daughter because she’s verbally told me she supports his decision, and that he owes our child nothing. When I found out about her and contacted her, despite my not knowing about him being married…I apologized and told her for the sake of all the kids I hope we can formulate a plan to move forward. She responded with recounting his past indescretions he’s made during their marriage, as well as telling me *I* ruined her daughter’s life. Of course I have sympathy for their child. But like you said: As I chose to sleep with a man without contraceptives and conceived, even without the knowledge of his lies, I must now deal with the consequences. Similarly, she knew he was a liar and a cheated before the got married. He cheated on his last wife. And still chose to marry him and chose him as the father of her child. It’s not my responsibility to feel sorry for her. Just like I don’t expect her to feel sorry for me. My child, as I’ve stated, is my only priority. Their marriage can succeed or crash and burn for all I care.
          3) I will NEVER allow this woman to be an intermediary in my child’s life because she’s made it clear she resents my child. I would never feel my daughter would be safe with her father or his wife in their current tumultuous state of marriage.
          4) While we are on the subject, you sound bitter about a situation having to do with an “OW”. Sometimes it’s as simple as: the husband is a liar, fathered a child, and now everyone has to suck it up and put the children’s best interest at heart. The end. Because the situation you’re telling me about sounds nothing like my own. I’m 23, working on my PA certification. I don’t need to trap a man to take care of me. I was under the impression I was dating someone and planning a future with them.
          4) My daughters father and wife do not plan on having any relationship with this child besides the legal obligation of child support and insurance. That is wrong and I don’t care how many different ways you try to spin it. If you choose to stay with a cheater who has now fathered a child outside of your marriage, your vows now include that child. This falls under for better or worse. And to support a deadbeat’s decision to not be in his daughter’s life is horrendous. Especially because she has a child and knows the importance of having both parents in a child’s life.
          5) You just said you feel people who date cheaters deserve what’s coming to them. Well, his wife married him (a cheater) knowing who and what he was. I didn’t even know this man had been married before to more than one person let alone currently married when I met him.

          Spare me your story. I empathize, but this was clearly an attack on me because of your own personal issues. Your story and experience have little to nothing to do with mine. Once again: my daughter deserves a father. He’s decided that he will have no contact with her for the sake of his marriage despite being the one who made fhe decision to lie and cheat. His wife is a bitter woman for taking this out on my child.

          How dare I? How dare you consider anyone’s feelings in this situation besides the kids. As if hiding my daughters existence from his 5 year old won’t be harmful to her when she’s old enough to understand and finds out their sick secret. I hope for your sake you heal and realize that all “OW” are not the same. Sometimes you just marry a sick bastard.

          • NotTrue

            Just because her pain is understandable does NOT mean her behavior is acceptable. You choose to forgive a cheater and pick up the pieces of your marriage that was already broken from his past indescretions? Then you choose to accept all of him. Including his children that you do not share with him. Obviously there is an issue of accountability, selfishness and naivety here. But it has little to do with me.

            I’ve communicated my piece to both of them several months ago. I personally don’t want anything to do with her nasty husband. If he ever were to come around before this baby is born (next month she is due), I’d of course welcome his involvement in HER life. But that doesn’t change how I feel about him. To her, that translates as I’m “waiting for him to come around” to be with me. Which is laughable. I and my family have been the only ones preparing for this child. Which I do lovingly and with excitement. They prefer to bury their heads in the sand and pretend this never happened.

            As far as after the baby is born, I’m not offering or accepting any effort toward being in my daughter’s life. They’ve known since I was about 6 weeks pregnant (which was when I found out). They’ve had time to come to terms with the lies and make a plan, just like I have. Yet somehow a 33 year old man and his 38 year old wife just can’t fix it in their hearts to hold the adults in the situation responsible and not pin it to the child.

            As far as his wife goes (and I stick by my guns…she’s wrong in this situation), it’s not MY responsibility to care for and nurture their marriage. I’m not married to her. He should have thought about her and her feelings when he was having unprotected sex with me, knowing I wasn’t on birth control, for months. He should have bought of their family before he lied.

            My daughter won’t grow up with me badmouthing her father or his wife. She simply will know nothing about them until she inquires. At that time I will tell her the age appropriate truth. Until then, I’ll happily accept the child support to put away for her college fund and his enrollment of her onto his insurance.

            • Jessica

              WOW!!! It’s a sad situation. One that I am currently in as well.

              I am the wife. Like most of you on here, I had to put all of the puzzle pieces together myself to figure out why my husband, of 26 years, became distant from me and our 2 daughters. It took a little while, but when I saw his bas…rd daughter, there was NO doubt in my mind. Everything finally made sense, all of his comments, this woman’s constant calling as ‘just an old friend’, his refusal to make her stop, the ow contacting family members, rumors around our small town that we were getting divorced. The list goes on and on.

              Now, the OW in my case was married at the time that she had the baby. Her , now ex, husband is on the birth certificate. When i first realized what had happened , I felt my soul leave my body. I felt so empty, angry, sad, and resentful. I have confronted my spouse. He gets angry, continues to deny this, but I have NO doubt. His daughter from the OW looks like our daughters and looks more like him than our daughters do. He swore to get a DNA test, confront the OW, etc, etc. He never did either, and just swept it under the rug. Why didn’t I confront her, demand a DNA test? I don’t need to. I already know the answer.

              I chose to forgive and try to move on. I decided that he is human and I did not want to destroy our marriage or family. I could even accept the other daughter. Here is what I struggle with. How do you forgive when your spouse continues to deny this? How do you move on? Furthermore, it is the OW decision to 1. Have an affair with a married man and 2. To keep the child. Those 2 choices are hers. Now I hear everyone gasping. I don’t agree with abortion, as I don’t agree with being an adulterous woman. But, the OW made those 2 choices, shouldn’t she be responsible for her decisions ? Now, I know everyone is thinking , what about the husband, he chose to commit adultry. Yes, that is true and he should be responsible to his family for that choice. He should have integrity and ‘man’ up to his mistake.

    • Lisa

      My baby daddy been cheating on me and the girl is younger than me and 6 months pregnant. Help

    • true religion jeans

      After I initially commented I clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now every time a comment is added I get four emails with the identical comment. Is there any means you possibly can take away me from that service? Thanks!

      • Doug

        When I do a search for your initial comment, I’m not seeing any with your username and/or email address. Did you comment under a different name and/or email address? I’ll look into it further once I can find the original comment to see what might have happened. Thanks!

    • Kathy

      I do not agree with your statement about doing what is best for the child. After staying in a marriage, for the sake of my children, after “he” had a child with the babysitter, I can say…..do what is best for YOURSELF. When we take care of ourselves, we are better able to take care of our children and we do not teach them to sacrifice themselves.

      Mind you, “mistakes” do happen and if he is truly sorry and takes full responsibility for his actions, there may be some hope. But if he does not…..run, run, run. Do not compromise your life for the sake of your children growing up in a family unit (unless you want to teach them do the same).

    • Mike

      So I’m a 31 year old Male. I recently discovered my partner whom I assumed I’d spend my life with was cheating on me for months. We broke it off yet stayed in touch in more than one way. Obviously she was sleeping with me and this other guy. Long story short we are both in recovery she had a relapse which is what started the cheating. Through our time apart she would exclaim how.dhe wanted to get better and get us back. How she was scared too much damage was done. I tried to tell her if she could re commit I could forgive and move forward. Well today another fork was thrown into the mixture. She’s pregnsnt…I dknt knoe what to think of how to act. She doesnt think the child is mine because she was sleeping with him more after our separation but we were sleeping together at least 2x every week for about 4 months including the time of conception. So inevitably there is a chance I’m the father….bit where I’m st if we do a pre birth test and I am not the father is it overstepping my bounds of I say if you have the child I’m gone? I’ve thought long and hard if i.could raise a child that was born on infidelity and I’m honestly not sure if I can…but I also dknt knoe ig its morally right to say abort or leave…this Is a really messed up situation and I’m totally lost obviously I’m talking this way because my ex wants to work things out she wants the baby to be ours but is very scared not….I’m scared too I wanted s family with this woman I want a life with her still I know 100 percent of my.child I’m all in I just dont knoe If I still will be I’d its nkt…so maybe anyone out there on ways to forgive n move forea3d in s family where there’s a child out of.infidelity like not only with being eith the.child daily but about the father wanting to be around too…or advice on is it to.forward to request abortion or adoption if this relationship is what is wanted by both partirs…open to all advice…thsnks

    • Shifting Impressions

      Mike
      I am sorry you are in such an extremely difficult situation. Should you decide that you are unable to raise this child, should it not be yours….I believe the only option you have is to leave the relationship. I don’t believe you have any right to ask a woman to have an abortion or to give up her child. This is a choice, only she can make. If she were to abort the baby or give it up for adoption under pressure from you…..I doubt the two of you would have much of a future together.

      Your partner has put you in an extremely difficult position. But remember this is an innocent child we are talking about. There is nothing wrong with you deciding you can’t raise a child conceived out of infidelity. But you might have to give up the relationship…..you simply have to leave the rest up to your partner.

    • Marty

      (Martha)

      Well, my story may be one of the worst after reading the sad cases.

      First, I will say my husband and I are separated, we do see each other often.
      He comes to what ” use to be our house” and stays
      occasionally for 2 or 3 days, does maintenance work around the house ,also we do spend time some time together. We go on dates and were their for each other.
      ( purely platonic relationship at this point)

      HE seems genuinely remorseful,I have even seen him crying ( the only other time when l ever saw him cry was when his mother and grandmother died. He has aged immensely , looks terrible and quite frankly I even feel sorry for him at times for the stupidity of what he did.

      Well here goes, after 40 years of marriage, we retired – from the states and moved to his native country in Dominican Republic. We had a beautiful custom built house in a wonderful locale in the mountains, a real paradise. He was 63 and 57.
      ( l met him here at young age while l had come on a vacation .We later married and we lived all this time in the states.)

      Upon moving here he owned a farm which he managed, had lots of male childhood friends, he never lost touch
      with over the years, l called them the rat-pack
      group they were together almost all day long, daily. THEREFORE, he had plenty of reason for being out a lot.

      My husband, I will admit is a wonderful gregarious, kind,
      helpful and friendly person, always cheerful and in a good mood.

      He was a great father and hard worker all his
      life. After coming here I felt he worked so hard
      ( supervisor position with the state of Florida) he was entitled to free-time and to enjoy he well earned retirement.

      I have never ever been the jealous type, never ever checked his cel phone, never checked his vehicle ….nothing of the sort. Ours was a loving and solid good marriage, oh so I thought.

      I would go every 7 months or so, to the states
      to see my children. Upon returning from one of my trips 3 years ago the phone binged 3 times very late , thinking it was my son checking to see if l had arrived safely. l reached for his cel phone and in seconds MY LIFE AS I HAD KNOWN WAS FOREVER was NO MORE.

      I read a text message saying
      ” I waited for your call all day.
      The baby is ok and well, l am
      the one not feeling too good.

      My blood went cold as ice.
      My 6th sense knew this was trouble.

      I immediately called number from
      which the text originated…
      ..A woman’s voice answered
      I immediately, said..
      “Who the hell are you”?

      Her response, “Oh sorry it was
      a wrong number, a mistake”

      I immediately hung up.

      Then l went in my large beautiful
      master bathroom, and sat on a stool
      and saw my worse unimaginable nightmare
      unfold. I even saw pictures, pictures of
      him kissing a very pregnant womans belly,
      dated 7-11-15, then a few pictures later
      a very newborn baby with my dirtbag
      husband cradling and hugging kid.
      ALL photos taken on my bed.
      The current date then was 8-5-15

      I was still sesrching his cel finding stuff.
      At FIRST when he awoke, l heard
      him nervously stumbling in the dark
      for his phone…but too late the
      BIG SECRET WAS OUT.

      At FIRST he tried to deny it. Saying quote
      ” It’s not as it seems ”
      But pictures DON’T lie.

      I threw him out immediately, at 4 a.m.
      ON FOOT, the remaining household
      vehicle is in my name. He had sold his
      2 years earlier.

      I found out the whore, knew from the get-go
      he was married. She worked in a
      run down bar owned by her mother,
      serving drinks, dancing with patrons
      and other services for money.
      The DB started frequenting this bar.
      The bitch thought old yes but thought he has money ( by her standards), big SUVand the gold -digger went for the juggler
      and other body parts.

      And everyone in these parts knew of us…the new
      transplants how built this big house…

      Later l found out by an aunt of this
      whore, that she quit school at age 13
      and has been after men since then
      one after the other.

      The affair started at least 4 to 5
      years before she was then 18 or so.
      Can’t say exactly because man
      never has given me the details.
      He is either ashamed, embarrassed
      and humiliated at how low
      he went, now after the fact.
      She is young, but that’s the only thing in her
      favor. She is the ugliest, blackbitch l have ever
      seen. Cross-eyed crooked teeth with braces,
      no figure,uneducated, pug nose, kinky hair,
      with a voice like a frog to top it off.

      The man went crazy l imagine. His ego
      must of flipped when this girl latched on to
      him like a flea attaches itself to a dog.

      I believe that he just friendly at the beginning
      with this waitress and she kept probing and wanting
      to take things in another direction. My husband
      probably being a little buzzed she jumped in and bang.
      Then that was it, he was in the folds of lust and
      temptation and saw how good it made him feel.

      Naturally, he was aware it was wrong, but did not
      want this new adventure to stop ONCE it started.
      To THIS day he says he doesn’t know why he did not stop.
      He did say that for 6 month he stopped but then after
      she kept telling him, I just want to see you etc…it all
      started again. HE SWEARS HE NEVER THOUGHT I
      WOULD FIND OUT. THE idiot everyone’s luck runs out
      eventually.

      As to his child, produced from this affair I
      from the very beginning l never have
      rebuffed the baby, because as l told
      my husband, the baby is an innocent
      victim in all this…HOWEVER the
      degenerates, pieces of immoral trash sinners
      are the whoring fornicating mother and you
      the good for nothing adulterer.

      I met the baby for the very first time
      when we took baby to run the DNA testing.
      Baby was 1 month old. Mother wanted to come
      along but I refused. Test confirmed my husband
      is the father.

      When the baby is here in my house
      l treat her with lots of love and kindness
      like if she was a child of mine or a
      grandchild ( we have no grandkids).

      I only hope and pray that my husband lives long
      enough to see her reach maturity, so she can have a decent
      moral upbringing.

      Whenever l go to the states, l go to Macy’s
      and buy her the prettiest outfits, shoes
      etc that l can find. l’ m the even
      the Godmother. Baby has now just turned
      three, and she’s crazy about me. Loves
      to come to my house when my husband
      comes. l have even taken her to vacations
      with my spouse and l.

      Thats not the worst of the story.
      Nine months later after finding out
      about the affair and baby, still
      in unmanageable pain, hurt, disbelief,
      anger, seeing all my plans for a happy
      retirement, the last years of my life haven been
      disintegrated at this point.

      l finally found out ( on the streets) this
      whore family are same people my own
      husband introduced me to so I would
      BEFRIEND them, AFTER he had started
      screwing the bitch. l was unwittingly
      entertaining his mistresses family
      ( her mother, grandma,cousins, aunts
      father) . Cooking meals they never tasted.
      A real bunch of low- lifes , my husband exposed
      me too unnecessarily to all this further indignity
      humiliation, rediculing and deprivation.
      The Whores mom was convicted for selling drugs, her bar
      was raided and shut down, bitche young
      male family members are in gangs. The
      bitches grandmother when young
      was a professional hooker. Oh my goodness.
      BEFORE, I knew about the affair I he had told me that
      bar owner had been found guilty and sentenced to13 years.

      At which time l said to him. Look l THINK it best if you
      distance yourself from all that family, he said yes…
      unbeknownst to me that his whore was 3 months
      pregnant.

      Well, my husband, was a good
      faithful man all THOSE years. Only to come
      back here to become corrupted.
      Sure, no one forces a SPOUSE to
      betray his wife. But in this country
      it’s the norm to have mistresses.
      IT’S a cultural THING here, almost expected to
      it shows your a real macho. His friends all knew
      my neighbors all knew, I was the only
      idiot who did not know.

      Many many young, poor girls, are on the
      lookout to get old men, or men they think
      have money ..seeking money marriage for
      immigration papers,
      or to be kept by a sugar-daddy. They even
      have a special name for these gold-diggers here
      they are called “chapiadoras” meaning lawn mower
      ( a lawn mower chops grass), these women chop
      men’s money from their wallets.

      Oh, to add salt to injury, my own daughter
      who was visiting here allowed bitch and
      newborn into my home, my bed. That hurts.

      Mine was betrayal, upon betrayal…at many levels
      not just an AFFAIR.

      But one positive, after the whore had
      been screwing the old man for 4+ years
      and he did not move forward in their
      ” relationship ” did not commit , did not leave me…
      the old hag… She got pregnant on purpose.
      I have BEEN told by the locals these girl
      prick the condoms of the males in order
      to get pregnant.

      But, it all backfired, my husband left her. My
      husband supports his child. Only talks
      with this bitch relating to the child. Her
      last move was To try and blackmail him into
      getting more money was to TAKE him to court to
      reverse his child’s custody, it did not work he told
      her “SEE you in court”, now awaiting judication.
      She has no male companion in her life.
      Working in a tiny booth, (Banca) where they sell
      lottery paraphernalia, miserable as hell,
      suits her right.

      As for my husband and I, we are still working
      on a RECONCILIATION. I was so hurt by not only
      the affair, but all the strings attached with his affair.
      FOR me it’s been a very painful journey.

    • Jimmie

      I am one of those children of an adulteress relationship. It was in 1951, My parents separated for a time. My Mother returned to her home town and meet another man. She then returned to the original man. Later it was determined that man one was impotent. I wasn’t to learn the truth til I was 21 and was told the whole story by my Aunt. Both Parents had passed away by that time. I live with that for the rest of my life. And now at 68 years old I finally come to the hard fact, I was a mistake. I had been a stark reminder of her infidelity daily and to him I was the Son of another man. I didn’t come from a loving family and now I see why. Very few people love their mistakes.

      • blueskyabove

        Jimmie,

        It really doesn’t matter ‘how’ you came to be…it’s more important ‘that’ you came to be. In other words…you matter…just as you are. All of us have our own path to travel, Jimmie. You are here for your own divine purpose. With every fiber of my being I know you are Not a mistake!

        Whatever your parents were going through at the time of your conception was entirely on them…it had nothing to do with you personally other than providing the world with an access to your existence…and I KNOW, unequivocally, you have made a difference in the lives of people. I may not know who they are, but I know that they exist. Please don’t continue to belittle yourself. The world needs you, Jimmie.

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