Ending the Affair

I wanted to share another brief video by Dr.Sheri Meyers, as I feel this one is also very good and is one that I can really relate to. She mentions that people who get involved in any type of affair usually have something that is missing in their relationship with their partner which they subsequently find in their affair partner. This was the case with me and Linda which eventually caused me to have my emotional affair with Tanya. Though I still loved Linda, I was able to find qualities in Tanya that I actually needed (and should have asked for) from Linda, but was not getting. As Dr. Meyers says, it was like I had my cake and was eating it too.

After I realized what I had at stake and could lose very easily, I knew that I had to end the affair with Tanya. Unfortunately, it took a while for it to end once and for all. As I mentioned, Tanya was like a drug that made me feel good, and it was difficult just to walk away, even though I knew that I had to. I knew that I had my family and all the great things that go with having a family, a wife who loved me regardless of how badly I hurt her, and at the same time a relationship with a woman that gave me many of the things that were missing in my marriage. What man could ask for more?

The pressure started to mount big time, and all this bliss was starting to explode in my face. I was torturing Linda and consequently faced her emotions on a daily basis, and at the same time Tanya was starting to talk more seriously about our relationship, and was becoming more demanding of my time and energies. I knew what I had to do, but rather than just cutting things off with Tanya, I started to become more distant, we talked less and we didn’t see each other nearly as much. Naturally, all of this didn’t sit too well with her and consequently we would argue sometimes when we were together. I didn’t need all of this!! Suddenly, the relationship was becoming more of a hassle than it was worth. It finally got to a point where I couldn’t take it any longer and I simply told Tanya that it had to end. Things were going way too crazy for me and I wasn’t about to leave my family. It was time for me to start rebuilding my relationship with Linda.

After ending the affair, it was difficult at first because I would often think about Tanya and would wonder how she was doing, which I think was only natural. It didn’t help either that Linda would bring up something about her and our relationship on a daily basis. But I promised myself I wouldn’t make any contact with her and would do what I could to save my marriage with Linda. That is when our whole new journey began.

Now, here is the video from Dr. Sheri Meyers. It’s only a little more than 5 minutes long, but it has some good stuff in it. I hope that you can get some value from it.

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4 Responses to Ending the Affair

  1. Lisa March 10, 2010 at 12:11 am #

    Thank you for the video. Although I agree it contains much useful/helpful advice, it still makes it sound so much easier than it feels. From everything I’ve been reading on your site I have gleaned that I need to come clean about my rather long affair to my husband, cleanly break it off with my affair partner and suffer through what will be a long arduous mourning period. Basically hurting everyone. Why didn’t I have the intelligence and foresite four years ago to completely avoid this unbearable situation…because the loneliness and perceived (for me at least), lack of a partnership in my marriage was so completely overwhelming and all encompassing. Let me qualify my perceived statement: When my husband and I do talk about our marriage he feels that yes we have ignored our couple, but he feels he has done what was expected: he has provided a wonderful life for all of us. Yes we have nice trappings, but at what price? We both feel alone, somewhat trapped in our circumstances and unable to manage our way out. He believes that if we find common interests and once our kids are out of the house that things will get better. I disagree. I believe we need help finding our way back, learning how to speak to each other and more importantly how to hear one another. Just because we got here on our own doesn’t mean we are capable of finding our way out on our own.

    I think that I deeply wonder/question whether or not leaving my L will greatly change anything. My husband has had many opportunities to change behavior that has lead to our estrangement, yet he never does. In the past I accepted this lack of change and went on with life, but with this last move something just snapped and I had an affair when previously I never even thought about it. I never thought it was something I would emabark on/get involved with. I know that you can never change a person, you can only change the way you react to them but…well you know I was human and very alone…this doesn’t justify my actions I just made a choice and four years later now I’m here.

    I have recently made an appointment to see a therapist. Even though, my husband is against it, I feel I need to talk to someone. My first appointment is on Thursday night. I just hope it is a step in the right direction, what direction I don’t know but at least it is a start.

    • admin March 10, 2010 at 10:54 am #

      Lisa,
      I feel the need to address your situation. Based on everything I have read, I believe you cannot attempt to rebuild your relationship with your husband until you have completely ended your affair. You may not realize it but you are comparing your affair partner and your relationship to your husband and your marriage. This is an unfair comparison. Your heart is not at the right place to completely embrace your marriage.

      I know that your husband is not fully receptive to the changes that you have introduced and you feel that your communication is not where it should be. I understand that, however from our experience I found that in the beginning just by spending time together, getting to know each other again and enjoying each other’s company allowed us to connect. This connection then was a springboard to begin communicating.

      In the beginning communicating was very difficult and awkward for us. We had to get to know each other again. Then we needed to trust each other and feel comfortable enough to share our feelings. This was not something that happened overnight. It was a very gradual process, and as Doug has mentioned it is something we work on and improve on every day.

      Your communication in your affair may have seemed effortless. I read that affair communication is terrible communication in reality, meaning that your communication is based on an illusion. You are communicating with your partner what you both want to believe is true based on the situation. Please don’t compare this level of communication with that of your husband. I strongly suggest that you end your affair, come clean with your husband and continue to see a therapist. Obviously you are not happy in your current situation; give your marriage a fighting chance. Then evaluate how you feel. Make a decision with a clear head and heart.

      • Mia June 23, 2010 at 11:06 am #

        When I read what Lisa says and compare to the stage my husband and I are in right now I just want to say that the answer Lisa got in the first lines is exactly what I wanted to say. This is something I want my husband to understand and I’m sorry to say that he had still not figured it out.

        • Duane June 23, 2010 at 12:33 pm #

          Wifey is just now coming out of her fog. We have been spending a lot of time together and it’s painful at times because she’s not 100% there, but every day we seem that much closer to each other and that much farther from the affair.

          Lisa, it’s a drug. It’s no fun waking up sober in a pool of your own vomit in a crack house. Kick the habit.

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