Let’s talk about restoring sexual intimacy after an affair…

Sexual Intimacy After an Affair

By Linda & Doug

It’s quite obvious that an extramarital affair always has a huge impact on a couple’s sex life, and from what we’ve experienced and learned from others is that it can go in either one of two ways…

The first way is when sex is incredible after an affair.   It actually can be better than ever. The problem in this scenario is that typically the sex is motivated by this intense pain, and usually the betrayed spouse – whether the betrayed person is the husband or the wife – is trying to prove their sense of masculinity or their sense of femininity.

They’re comparing themselves to the other person. They’re wondering if they’re sexy or desirable.  Obviously sex is a good thing –  unless it’s motivated by pain.

The other, more common way is that the betrayed spouse becomes so repulsed about their spouse’s unfaithfulness that they visualize their spouse having sex with that other person. They get the visual images in their head and those images get stuck in their brain. 

And since our thoughts are such powerful things, the betrayed often thinks about whether they feel sexy, whether they feel desirable, whether they feel loved and whether they feel safe. 

These mental thoughts and images have a huge impact on a person’s ability to relax and engage. So for many couples, the thought of reengaging sexually is a really big problem.

Why Affair Sex Matters: An Unflinching Look at Sex and Its Harmful Affects

The Purpose of Sex…

Sex is so much more than just the physical act of making love. Certainly there is the procreation aspect, but sex is also a way to provide comfort and express love. It’s a way to connect on a really deep level, which enhances intimacy for a couple. It’s a way to feel close emotionally. Sex builds self-esteem. It builds a sense of masculinity for the husband and it builds a sense of femininity for the wife. Sex is a way to please your partner. Sex is a way to relax. It’s a way to de-stress. Sex is a way to reconcile. It’s a way to come back together after a fight –  you know…”make-up sex.” Sex is a way to feel sexual and attractive.

See also  Discussion – Sex After an Affair

We’re all sexual beings, and we all kind of want to know that we’ve got it going on, sexually. And so engaging in a healthy sex life with your spouse satisfies that need. It’s a way to express attraction. It’s a powerful tie that binds, and it promotes closeness.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to imagine a time in a couple’s life when all of these things would be more critical than after the devastation of an affair has hit and the couple wants to try to rebuild.

If ever there was stress, this is the time we need to de-stress. If ever there was a need for comfort, this is the time. If ever there was a time to express love – especially from the one that had the affair to the one that’s been betrayed, because they feel so unloved; if ever there was a time to build up self-esteem, this is the time.

Just to be clear…if you are like the majority of people where the betrayed spouse feels grossed out by the fact that their spouse has been with somebody else and repulsed at the thought of reengaging sexually, well, we’re not saying go out and reengage in that state of mind just for the sake of having sex. 

Sexual intimacy should always be an act of love that helps to build the relationship and so neither spouse should ever feel violated when reengaging sexually.  Rather, what we are saying is that you want to consider moving away from a mindset where you feel that you have to be completely healed from the affair before you can even consider sexual intimacy at all.

Recovering Your Self-Esteem After an Affair Is Within Your Power

Sex after an affair doesn’t mean forgiveness…

For those who are having great sex after the affair, one of the things that sometimes holds a couple back is a misconception that if you reengage sexually that means forgiveness has taken place. The misconception that everything is peachy and you’re all good now.  That will obviously hinder a couple from reengaging.

See also  Oh No, It’s Mr. Bill: The Real Life Story of a Sex-Addicted, Narcissistic Man

So, it needs to be understood that just because – you’re healing from an affair and that’s your desire and just because you engage sexually with your spouse, that doesn’t mean healing has taken place. That doesn’t mean forgiveness has taken place. That doesn’t mean you’re all good. That doesn’t even mean that you’re staying. You’re married. You’re allowed to have sex if you want to.  It’s okay. That doesn’t exempt you from the healing process and if you think that it does then that’s going to end up not happening.

Now, we’ve heard various other experts on affair recovery recommend that couples don’t reengage sexually too soon, because it can somehow be damaging in the long run.  Our thought is that everyone is different and we don’t think you should pigeonhole couples one way or the other.  The important thing to understand is that you get to make your own decisions.

You’re the only one who’s going to live with the outcome of the choices that you make after the affair.  Not us or your counselor, or somebody who wrote a book; only you. So, we recommend that you get all the information that you can, and at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you make your own decisions about what’s right for you.

We’d be interested to hear your thoughts on reengaging in sexual intimacy after an affair.  What were your experiences and what did you learn from them?

In our Survive and Thrive after Infidelity program, we’ve devoted a full module (one of 8 modules) to sexual intimacy after infidelity.
Perhaps you’re struggling with this issue, or perhaps it’s rebuilding trust, obsessive thoughts, forgiveness, self-esteem, etc. (or all of the above).  If so, you might benefit from this program. 
Please click the link to learn more:


See also  Midlife Crisis and Infidelity


    91 replies to "Sexual Intimacy After an Affair"

    • exercisegrace

      Sadly, I never got to experience “hysterical bonding”. I fell more squarely into the repulsed category. It made worse by the fact that we both had never been with anyone else. Thirty years together. Happy, faithful and proud of the fact we waited for each other. The loss of this has been devastating for us BOTH.

      He had ended the affair a year and a half before I found out, so in that respect it was a bit easier to resume our sex life quicker than I might have otherwise. There was also never a time we weren’t having regular sex, so I just had to come to terms with that fact. I wasn’t going to give up my sex life along with everything else I felt I had lost. I also instinctively knew that if I withheld sex, it would not be healthy for either of us. Even though it was painful and at times I cried, it did help hold us together.

    • EyesOpened

      As the female CS, reconnecting with my h sexually has been the most difficult part, since a great deal of the problems in our pre-affair marriage were of a sexual nature. I have found it impossible to connect physically, whilst things are not 100% emotionally. It’s a viscous circle. all the while I’m conscious it should be him being turned off by my behaviour – not the other way around !

      • Craigslistloveaffair


        I am in the same situation as you. I had an affair. Somehow I am the one not feeling any intimacy towards my husband and I have also become the “victim” when it should be him. I’d love to connect with you and talk, if possible.

    • Paula

      We always had an amazing sex life. Close, totally connected and wild. And we had the hysterical bonding for over two years. It. Was. Incredible. But I think we both knew what was driving it. He did. And I knew I was “competing.” Then, the switch was thrown. I completely lost the urge, any sexual sensation whatsoever. But, conversely, I ache so badly with the loss. I suffer the mind movies something wicked. He is my only sexual partner, I trusted him to do ANYTHING! And that was after I had been violently raped by a friend of a friend that I knew quite well and trusted, around six months before I met him. Because of the diseases we contracted, and the invasive treatments I have endured these past four plus years, there is even more sexual baggage. I ache, physically, with this deep loss. Almost three years since an o, of ANY description. Absolutely agonising. And the worst thing is, he says (and because of their past, I actually believe him) their sex was incredibly disappointing, and I am the only person he has ever had the intensity with.

    • allayfig222

      My situation is a little different. My H’s 18 month affair with his old girlfriend was by facebook, text, email and, especially, telephone. They never met during that time, but their emails had sexual references. I resumed sexual contact within a week of finding out about their affair. It was clearly motivated by pain and a sense of competition (he was still picturing her in his head as she looked 40 years ago, when they last had sex). My therapist says I was “marking my territory”, which makes sense to me. I truly believe that if I had waited to reconnect sexually until I was certain they were no longer speaking (they continued for another 7 weeks despite his promises), then I might never have resumed relations–and who would that have benefited–certainly not me!

      • Doug

        Allayfig222, Thanks for sharing…I found your statement to be interesting…“I truly believe that if I had waited to reconnect sexually until I was certain they were no longer speaking (they continued for another 7 weeks despite his promises), then I might never have resumed relations…”

        Why do you think that could possibly have been the case? Just curious. Thanks!

        • allayfig222

          Hi Doug, I think my immediate feelings were hurt, disbelief and a sense of competition with the OW. As the weeks went by and I began to process what happened more rationally, I became increasingly angry. If I had waited beyond the first week or two to resume intimacy, I am sure my anger would have led me to {punish” him by denying sex.

          • Doug

            I understand…and that makes perfect sense. Thanks for the explanation.

    • chiffchaff

      In the immediate aftermath I was desperate to reconnect & tried so hard to interest my h I truly undermined my self esteem as he wasnt there mentally or physically. He would say the most callous things. Eventually we got to a healthier place after he’d finally come out of the fog. Sex is v good now, 2.5yrs later, which is great for both of us but I still struggle with competitive thoughts. The ow was petite, pretty, long hair, made up, a trollope… sorry.. but I still feel inadequate. This centres not on the sex but on the fact that my h still cannot kiss me other thsn in a peck sort of way. No snogging, passionate kissing, he’ll close his mouth and stop. He wont talk about it. I long for a passionate kiss. Means more than the sex to me. I wonder if it’s the last vestige of his guilt or something. It makes me sad more than I think he understands.

      • Doug

        Good to hear from you Chiff! How’s it going in your new home and job?

        I’m thinking his not wanting to kiss much is guilt related also. I know he won’t talk about it, but is there a chance that perhaps he feels that long, passionate kissing is something that is a trigger for you in some way?

      • Jennet

        Hi I know you put the post up in 3024 but your situation then sounds so much like mine now. We are one year since DD and are still struggling with intimacy of any kind. We have been married for 51 years and he had a 4 year affair with a so called friend. I know he feels guilt and shame for the devastation he has caused. I just wondered how you got it together again sexually. I feel we have this huge elephant in the room I can put her out of my mind most of the time but sometimes I feel so rejected and that I’m not good enough for him and it hurts. She was 20 years younger than me. Any help would be appreciated thanks Jennet

      • Clarissa

        Hi chiffchaff

        Just came across this thread I know it is more than 8 years ago but I am in the situation that you were in then, everything you said is now me, I wonder if you can let me know how things are now as I am struggling real hard with everything and maybe give me some sort of help on how to move forward thanks, Clarissa

    • Strengthrequired

      Can I just ask, those of you that experienced the hysterical bonding when the ea first came to light, do you look back on it and wonder wth got into you? At times when I look back, I feel sick, I feel like in some way I degraded myself. If you understand what I mean, it’s like even though I was the wife, and I wasn’t doing anything wrong in having relations with my h, but the truth is, I feel like I should not have had to work so hard to win my h affections, like honestly at the beginning I was initiating everything, and it was as if he was just non existent for several weeks, as if it was one sided. I know I was working hard at trying to prove my love for him. It was like it was what we needed to find ourselves again, yet I struggle coming to terms with trying to understand why I just didn’t completely turn off him.
      Maybe deep down I knew that the more we connected, bonded intimately, the ow would eventually be not so significant, and the chance of her actually getting the physical side of him would be even more closer to zero, than if I hadn’t been the pursuer. Maybe it was my way, as it was noted above, of marking my territory. The more I marked what was mine, the less chance she had at taking what didn’t belong to her.
      Yet that’s just it, now I feel like I degraded my worth. For goodness sake, how did I not degrade myself, here he was sneaking around behind my back with this ow, even once he moved back home, declaring I was what he wanted, and I kept on making my presence known, marking my territory. I guess I’m confused at my behaviour, I thought I would have left if he ever cheated, yet I didn’t, instead it felt like when I look back that I rewarded him with extra love and attention, while I suffered.

      Just wondering does anyone else feel something similar in thoughts, when it comes to your experiences with hysterical bonding, do you wonder why you didn’t go the other way and just be just turned off.

      • Andrea

        My husband had a 4 year affair, and I still don’t trust him, because he still treats me like a sister, and is not intimate. He still avoids any closeness, except for a friendly kiss each day. He got caught after I hired a PI. We are both 70 years old, in a 49 year marriage, and I feel very alone. We never do anything together, he’s busy all day, golf, gym,mow ect..Have discussed this at least 20x with him, and I get no love connection.

        • Shifting Impressions

          Andrea, I am so sorry you are going through this. I’m 64 years old and married for 44 years, so I have some idea where you are coming from. For me, D-day was two weeks before our fortieth wedding anniversary .

          Were the two of you able to work through the affair?? Did he show true remorse etc. Do you think he understands how much pain he caused you? If not, do you think this could be part of the disconnect??

          I know a number of friends that are struggling with the whole “retirement thing” even if there was no affair. Could that be part of the problem??

          The book HOLD ME TIGHT by Sue Johnson really addresses the whole connection thing. I found it really helpful.

          I also recently read IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO BY Winifred M Reilly and it really shifted some of my thinking, in a good way.

          Are you doing anything to take care of you???

      • Sarah

        I feel the same exact way… and I feel ashamed of my actions and response to my husbands affair… pathetic is how I feel… I am fresh into this as I just found out in November 2019 that my husband of 20 years was having an affair. Same with the marking of territory comment… and now he is having ED which is making things even worse as he had great sex with this OW… best sex of his life apparently… according to a text he had sent to his friend the day I found out.
        Prior to this affair he always had no problems with ED… hate to be blunt but he would get hard just from seeing me or kissing…. now nothing. It leaves me feeling completely destroyed and feeling worthless and in competition mode all the time it seems. He says it’s him and not me but we didn’t have these issues before the affair and he apparently had great sex during so it is hard to believe it’s not me… Does anyone have any advice or similar experience that could help…
        Really trying to save our marriage and at a loss…

        • Cj

          Sarah I am going through the exact same thing, we should talk. It’s so hard, I found out about my husband’s affair December 2 2019, I definitely have done the territory marking almost everyday since he came home on December 5 2019. I feel pathetic, I feel weak and so sickened by what has happened. He has shown so much remorse and has done everything I’ve asked but we went through the issues of ed, but now we’re going through his inability of getting aroused if I text him naughty messages while he’s at work, he tells me he just doesn’t feel into it with me doing that through text. But my problem with that is, he used to get easily aroused by me through text conversations. He was definitely into it with this.other woman, but now all of a sudden he isnt into it with me. Married 17 yrs now as of 4 days ago and I’m just so devastated, the pain eats away at me daily. Let’s talk as our stories are similar, maybe we can help each other get through this.

          • Karen

            I’m going through the exact same thing, he can get an erection but has to visualize the affair girl to orgasm which he’s done three times in the last three months since this has all come out. She is 22 and we are in our 50s. She’s in another country, he said he broke it off with her but found out last week they are still texting. He said he blocked her after I called him out. I feel like he set us back by keeping her fresh in mind. He said he loves me, not her, and wants to get it back and it bothers him that it doesn’t. He also thinks he’s the problem, not his affair with her, and didn’t think it was wrong to stay in touch with her. If I had known he was still in contact, I would have booted him instead of trying so hard to make this work. I’m at a crossroad now, I just don’t know what to do. It has killed me the last two times we had sex and his eyes were closed – I know he was visualizing her. So I don’t know if I should not have sex or keep trying. Or should I give up entirely?

            • Don't Put Up With It

              I know this is old and I hope you’re past all this and on the road back to happy but I just wanted to post an idea for anyone else having this problem – maybe you should tell him about your Chris Hemsworth or the Rock or whoever you fancy – fantasies. And tell it in depth. Maybe he should feel what it feels like to know that someone you’re with is thinking graphically & explicitly about someone else. Competition, even in the fantasy realm, might help. Men are highly competitive, more than we are I think. It might spur him to greater heights and stop thinking about this tart.

              It goes with my idea that affairs can really re-wire someone’s thinking about sex in general – not just the marriage but how they feel, think, react to sex because the affair has conditioned them in certain ways. I’m just pulling this out of my butt….but maybe some of you can relate.

          • B.

            Hi, CJ. This is hard to talk about especially being H of a 17 year Marriage that found out his W had a 2 year or more affair. My W went nuclear with all the digital traces of the affair even what I did find. Now for the first time since our initial dating she’s supper horny, wants to get “re-married”, wants me to “sext” her all the time. I do but there are times during intimacy thoughts run through my head and I (ED for the lack of a better term). Therapist says it’s normal. I enjoy doing all those things but where was that the last 2+ plus years. Apparently not with me! I know this has changed my focus I no longer want or have a “dad bod” I focus on her and the kids more, I feel a need her especially stuck at home with this whole COVID thing. I’m constantly worried because as a firefighter I’m away for 24 hours at a time! She wants nothing more than to hit a reset button and start all over……. I do too but can I? I guess time will tell…….

            • Cj

              Hi B. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I am sorry i hadn’t seen this message sooner. I am sitting at a year and almost 5 months now, it has gotten easier, but, my insecurities are still strong, when we go out in public my anxiety levels are through the roof, I am always checking to see if my H is checking out a pretty woman. Intimacy has gotten better, but sometimes the thoughts and memories just rush through my head. Trust is still being built, it’s not 100%, but it’s getting there. I am in a phase right now where I do question if any of this worth it anymore, the memories the sadness and the worrying. Sometimes the thought of just walking away from the memories, pain and worries seem like an easier solution, but whoever said life was meant to be easy? Marriage counseling is a must, if you’re not in couples counseling, I highly recommend getting into that, it will help build a strong foundation, communication skills and help in the healing process. Personal therapy isn’t a bad choice, I personally did not do it for myself as time hasn’t allowed me, between, work, kids and everything else, i just never fit it in, marriage counseling has helped to a degree. My H however, is in personal therapy and it has helped him become a better person. I think the remarriage is a good idea, as for the sexting, I think you should try to find out what is triggering that need from her. Personally for me, I would feel so uncomfortable, just for the fact that, we know this is what our spouses were doing with the affair partner and unfortunately, some of us had to endure seeing it and will forever be scarred because of it. It is rather insensitive so early on after the affair, but that’s my opinion. I do hope things begin to work themselves out, don’t be afraid to ask questions about things that make you uncomfortable or raise an eyebrow, you have a right to ask and you most certainly deserve to get those questions answered. If you need to talk, just shoot me a message, I am always willing to help, this isn’t an easy process and it’s even harder to try and get through it alone, without anyone who just doesn’t understand how it feels.

        • Jennet

          Hi Sarah, your story is so much like mine my zdD was Dec 2019 and we are having very similar problems ED lack of affection unless I initiate the first move we have had sex 6 times to be exact but only recently he just couldnt /wouldn’t even try for months. I felt I humiliated myself over and over again. I’m at a loss now about what to do I think he still has feelings for her although he has said not in a sexual way but that’s not the way I see it at all. I do think the gut and shame is there but that doesn’t help me. I want and need that close connection if our marriage is going to survive we have been married 51 years and she was 20 years you get than me. And a so called friend it went on for 4 years and we didn’t have sex for all that time and he kept saying it was ED which he had suffered on occasion before the affair we do use viagra now but that’s like booking an appointment apparently the sex with her wasn’t that great which I don’t believe. It’s like having an elephant in the room more for him than me. Any suggestions thanks jennet

    • Rachel

      Oh boy strength !!! I know just what you are saying!!!!!
      I threw myself at him and he took me while still in touch with the other woman.
      But then he said he didn’t want me. Yikes what was I thinking??
      What gets me thru is my daily giggle that the other women didn’t leave her husband for him. And now he wants me back. NOT!

    • Strengthrequired

      Before I found this site, I actually thought there was something wrong with me for being so accommodating towards my h, instead of backing off and declaring my newly found single status. Then I found here, I knew that all those feelings, the wants etc, I was experiencing most of the other bs were feeling the same and doing very similar.
      I guess I hadn’t felt more alone than what I had been feeling more than any other time in my life until this happened, it was actually a relief to realise that although I felt alone, there were other bs that had already experience, or going through at the same time, or just started their journey into the darkness, just as I had been walking through it.
      I’m just surprised that it bothers me even more now about my experience with the hysterical bonding.
      I’m sorry you feel the same, yet I know it must be worse on you knowing you are now divorced, and you gave yourself to your h hoping that he would see what he truly had right in front of him (just like I did with my h) hoping he will wake up. Yet you know Rachel, your exh h was just.a fool leaving you and treating you so terribly. He didn’t deserve you, you deserved so much better.

    • Rachel

      Thank you strength . I have actually found better. I am with a wonderful man who treats me like the lady that I am. He is the nicest man that I have ever met. He too went thru the same thing as I . Actually twice with his wife of 27 years. He took her back because he to believed in his vows. The second time she would not go for help and wanted a divorce. Now she wants to be his friend. He wants nothing to do with her.
      My ex is a lost soul I’ve been told by people who see him around town. But you know what, these cheaters should have thought of it before they start the first meeting text email.
      F him. I hope he’s miserable for the rest of his life. He’s a verbal abussive cheating person. I can’t call him a man because a man would not do this to his family.
      I am so happy now. Life is good. I have fallen in love with the most incredible man. He is my rock. Never ever did I think I could have feelings for someone else. He is a complete opposite of my ex, which is a really good thing.
      Don’t beat yourself up about the hysterical bonding. We all did it for one reason or another. We are good people.
      Take care.

    • Strengthrequired

      Rachel, I know about your new love, and honestly from the bottom of my heart I’m so very happy for you. You deserve this happiness. So does by the sounds of it your new man, my goodness what a charmer his exw is. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

    • EyesOpened


      So sorry I didn’t see your post previously – sometimes they just don’t appear !

      I really appreciate the members on this site helping me to heal by understanding their feelings and thoughts – and I think it would help others if we shared our difficulties openly – if you’re ok with that? It is anonymous and we don’t have to be too detailed!!! Doug / Linda – where do you suggest we ‘talk’ assuming clla still wants to?

      • Doug

        EO, Shoot me an email and I’ll give you CLLA’s email address – or if you’re Higher Healing members you can use the private messaging feature.

        • CraigsListLoveAffair


          That would be great if you could pass my email along. I am going to do some more reading here and try to jump in. I’m also going to check into Higher Healing. Is it something that can help the “betrayer” or the “other woman?”

          • Doug

            CLLA, I just sent EyesOpened your email address, so you guys can take it from here. The Higher Healing area does have many useful materials for BS though to be honest there is certainly much more that is geared towards the betrayed.

      • CraigsListLoveAffair


        Thanks for responding. I really do need to jump in on some of these forums I’ve been reading from. My affair ended five weeks ago. My heart is empty and I’m trying to figure out how to feel again. I don’t know if this is the correct location to go into the details of my situation.

        But, along the lines of the sexual intimacy after affair- my husband and I finally made love on Friday night. It had been six weeks. I still can not kiss him, unless it’s a quick one and not on the lips. I feel so guilty because I’m the one that cheated. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I should be begging him to forgive me. On Friday, I was ok at the beginning of the intimacy. However, about 3/4’s of the way through I had silent tears running down my face. He never found out.

        I really feel like I need to talk about my situation. I am going to start a blog, but I’d really like some people to talk back and forth with and try to make sense of some of this. Is there a certain spot here that I should go?


        • Nique

          How did that work out?

    • gizfield

      Craigslist, I think you csn get a lot of help here but it won’t be easy for you. but who said anything worthwhile has to be easy , right? Sounds like you mostly want to be in contact with other cheaters, like EO. She has made wonderful progress. If I were her, I’d be cautious when communicating with other cheaters privately because sometimes that leads to a backslide for the more recovered person. I saw that at the few AA meetings I went to. It was like recovery consisted of reminiscing about drinking, and drinking “vicariously” through someone else’s experiences. For example, if CL speaks positively of her affair partner or affair, it might influence EO to think more positively as well. Which is something she absolutely does not want, I’m sure.

    • gizfield

      And craigslist and EO, I’m not saying corresponding privately is bad or necessarily will lead to backsliding but I do think it’s a possibility. CL, youve given a few indicators that you are still missing your “love” affair so you might be in danger of cheating again. We have seen it happen millions of times , seemingly, on here.

    • EyesOpened

      Thanks Gizfield. I promise there’ll be no sliding here :-).

      CLLA : 6 weeks out is absolutely nothing. There are so many things I’ve learned that I will try to share but I won’t be able to cover them all…

      1) Coming to this site really helps you to understand your h’s pain – whilst you are experiencing some of the hardest emotions of your own. It’s hard to see and feel your partners pain too through the amazing people who allow us on to this site.

      2) Counselling for yourself is a very good place to start. You will learn so much about yourself and why you got to where you are.

      3) I know you feel very in love with your ap right now. Making love with your h can actually feel as if you are cheating on your ap .

      4) you are using all your emotional strength not to think thoughts that are in your head ALL the time, not saying the wrong thing, questioning EVERY single thought and emotion you’ve ever felt. It is exhausting.

      5) the ap you have been sharing every thought, feeling, care, worry , hope , joy, fear and secret with is the one and only person you want to turn to.

      6) you will be feeling utterly hopeless, down and tired, as if a truck is on your chest – but you need to be strong and support the person you have just broken into pieces. It won’t feel as if it will ever be possible.

      7) you’ll be wondering how the perfection you achieved with your ap could possibly all have gone so wrong . How did it happen???!

      8) All the plans you made for this exact situation have just crumbled. Where is the guy that promised he’d never give up on you, no matter what?

      9) the habit/addiction of the secret texts and calls leaves a hole so huge it feels like it will never be filled.

      10) On a personal level, my h and I found out through counselling that we both had massive issues. My h used sex to ‘soothe’ himself, and used me to make him feel better all the time. I had over the years ‘allowed him’ to control me, and had lost the ability to stand up for myself, frightened of his angry reactions. He also suffered with depression. The opportunity arose for me to have an affair and the timing created the perfect storm. 18 months on and the man I thought I was in love with, that I’d have left my husband for… Could have been ANYONE, is still married and went to a counselling and SLAA, told me he never loved me and I haven’t spoken to him in a year (we worked together or it would have been. 17 months)!

      The point is – you will feel different in time.

      For a woman, your head has to be in the right place before your heart and body will follow . You need time, and you need a counsellor to explain that to your husband with you .

      It is the most unfair, crappy situation -and the worst of it is, there is only one person you can blame – and it’s yourself.

      But – CLLA – you will look back one day ad be amazed at the fact it’s all behind you . I promise . I’ll help if you’ll let me.

      Bit by bit the sex is returning to my marriage because my h has finally after counselling, learned he has to let me be. It was that simple all along
      But it took months and months of counselling and hard work .

      The intimacy is still hard, because I’m still recovering from all our joint marital mistakes that got us here and the aftermath of an affair – together with low esteem , self doubt, exhaustion, guilt – you name it.. But I honestly believe our lives are getting better day by day – and 18 months ago – i just would not have thought it possible.

      Long – but I hope it provides something hopeful for you . This site is the best place ever. Ask away CLLA. And post here instead of texting him

    • EyesOpened

      Ps – I did the crying in sex thing A LOT. It feels degrading to allow your body to be used to ease the pain that you have created – but not doing it causes rejection. It is so so difficult. Passionate kissing is still difficult for me – but I’m working on it.

      There was a part of me suppressing my ‘wrong feelings ‘ so much, that I felt that if I allowed the. ‘Right feelings’ in with my h, I might allow the wrong feelings about the ap to surface too. Seriously heavy stuff.

      And all the lovely BSs on this site – I do hope the above words give you insight , and do not cause you pain.

      • CraigsListLoveAffair


        Thank you, thank you, thank you! The above is absolutely how I feel. Some days are better than others, but most of the time I’m struggling to breathe. I was the one that ended the affair- after an intense 13 months. I went to my husband and told him everything that had happened. I didn’t really WANT to do that but I was in so much pain IN the affair and couldn’t stop seeing him. That was 5 weeks ago. I want nothing more than to feel in love with my husband again and make him happy like I used to do so easily. He is wonderful. He is so supportive- which actually makes me feel a little worse because I don’t want to be treated like the victim when I’m the one that betrayed.

        I started seeing a counselor last week. For now it’s just me, but we are talking about marriage counseling as well. I plan to see my counselor weekly, when possible. I do think that will help too. My ‘homework’ for the week was to continue using my inner strength to get up, get dressed and do something that makes me feel better. Right now, those things are yoga or teaching. So, I’m trying to do as much of that as I can. I’m trying so hard to get my AP out of my head.

        I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me. It helps to not feel so alone. I literally felt some pressure lift off my chest. I absolutely do not want to do or say anything that would cause you to slide backwards from your healing.

        I also wanted to say that I’ve been on the betrayed side several times as well. That was years ago, but I still remember how I felt and I can relate to many of the posts by the BS’s too.

        • Me

          You know what it feels like to be cheated on and you held an affair for more than a year?!?!?! This i don’t get, why would you be free while your partner is at home thinking they are in a committed relationship.( You leave them living in a trick).. Why stay with your partner if you don’t love them….. How can people be so selfish to someone they calum to love.

    • gizfield

      Yeay, Eyes Opened, glad you are doing so well. I’m kind of a mother hen, especially where former cheaters are involved. Once you get out of it, you are so much better off and happier. I completely LOVE your post.!! Very well thought out, and very personal as well. You are so lucky to no longer harbor any illusions about your affair, to be glad to be free of it.

      I think if there was anything I would add is that one of the biggest piles of baloney I have ever heard is that If your spouse ever sees their former affair partner they will always go running back to them, they will always love them, blah, blah, blah. What hogwash. There is something called “false love” which I believe most affairs are built on, and those feelings can disappear in the blink of an eye.

      • CraigsListLoveAffair


        I strongly agree with what you are saying. In fact, I don’t know that I ever really loved my AP. I think I loved how he made me feel and the escape he provided me with. I am just now starting to sort out my feelings and emotions.

      • Me

        The fake live thing is called limerence.

    • gizfield

      Yeay, for you as well, CL. Wishing you all the best, you sound like a nice lady. My story is that I cheated on my first husband with my high school boyfriend more than 20 years ago. We had an off and on relationship for years, from when I was about 15 til maybe 20. Not really sure when it was anymore. We parted on bad terms, married other people and didnt see or have any contact for about ten years. I never even thought about him. He showed back up the year my father died but we didn’t start sneaking around til a year later , after my mother died. I’ d finally realized my husband was an alcoholic. Very mean. A very low point in my life. And of course he was telling me all the crap I wanted to hear. I knew from before that he was a pathological liar and a cheater but I convinced myself he had changed. We had an affair for about a year, I think, he got a girlfriend and we stopped. Then, about a year later it started up again. The first time he was single but the second time he was living with his girlfriend. I guess he hadn’t changed, right? Incredibly, even though he was my first sex partner we really didn’t do much physically. We only slept together once, at the very end of the affair. It’s like it was just over for me after that.

      I guess we all have things that we are especially ashamed of. one of mine was that I went to their trailer and had sex with him (the only time) the night his girlfriend was at the hospital after having their baby. I am totally disgusted by this even after 23 years, or however long it has been now. That night was horrible,.and the next day any “love” I felt for him all those years just disappeared. I’m happy to say I never cheated again, it was such a disgusting experience. I never truly understood how I could let this happen. It’s like I did not even like him, he treated me like shit, but I was “in love ” with him. One day I read an article on here about “limerence”, or false love. I believe this is exactly what happened to me. There is a really excellent book called “Love and Limerence” by Dr. Dorothy Tennov which explains all this in detail. I finally understood this relationship after all those years. The book is available on Amazon Kindle for about $10 I think.

    • EyesOpened

      Doug and Linda. Soooo sorry!!! Why do some posts just not show?! I refresh my phone and more posts appear but not all? It looks as though I’m ignoring you.

      Thank you for the email too. If it doesn’t offend, I’m going to remain here on the forum – as my h and I share our email, and I’m not sure if he’d want to be presented with every detail in his inbox!

      I do hope that’s ok – but if anyone at all feels uncomfortable with an open discussion between CSs – please say and I’ll stop. My hope is, that knowing some CS inner thoughts will help others in the way that learning BS’s thoughts has helped me so much.

      • Doug

        Due to some hosting issues, we had to utilize a service that has a cache feature to it. The result is that sometimes, you will be served a page/post/etc that is cached (saved) and not necessarily an updated version of that page. So all you have to do is refresh the page and the most recent version will appear. I know it’s a pain in the ass and I hate it, but it beats getting the site shut down for excessive use of server resources.

        Trust me, we all welcome discussions and comments from CS. It helps people to get that side of things. Like SR said, it might be hard for some BS to read, but helpful nonetheless.

    • Strengthrequired

      Eyeso, I don’t see why it would be a problem you and other cs having a discussion here. We are all recovering, not just the bs.
      It may be hard for the bs to hear, but I’m sure some of what the bs say can be just as hard and uncomfortable for the cs to hear. We the bs get to hear about and learn from what goes on in the mind of a cs, and the cs get to hear about and learn from what goes through the mind of a bs. Win win all round I say.

    • EyesOpened

      Thanks Doug and SR and Gizfield for the cheering !!

      CLLA – you are already a better person than me because you confessed. I was found out. Twice! (Same AP).

      I am sure your h is a good , kind and supportive person , but something was going on in your life that meant you were open to an affair. Do you know what it was yet ? If not, it will become clear in counselling.

      My h remembers me saying ‘I’m going to make you so happy’ when he discovered the affair and I was in full blown survival mode. What I didn’t know then, is that I can’t ‘make my h happy ‘ – it was something I’d been failing to do for years – but both he and I thought I could!! In counselling we discovered ways for him to find his own contentment in life – not always lean on me. He was supportive and kind at the outset but until the issues were tackled, we were unable to begin healing properly – and that has only really happened fairly recently .

      Another thing is – and my memory could be altering the truth here – but like you, I knew in my heart that my AP and I would not work together and that whatever we had was unlikely to be real love. However, the more attention given to the affair (his wife, him , my husband, my work, our friends and family), the bigger the whole drama became. I actually grew to love the fantasy memory more AFTER the affair than during the affair itself. A bit like when someone dies, you start focusing in on just the good memories. I still feel to this day – if I’d been ignored by him and his family from dday – I may well have questioned whether what we’d had was ‘real or important’. But the fact was, his wife’s actions elevated me to a level of importance in their lives that convinced me I meant something to him (emailing me, telling our colleagues, writing warning letters to my husband of other men she was convinced I’d become involved with -I hadn’t btw, hitting me in front of people at an event). Don’t get me wrong – I hold myself responsible for her anger, and in her situation I’d have been 100 times worse BUT the point is – because I mattered so much to HER, I decided that I mattered more to him than I actually thought I did when I was with him! Not sure if that makes sense?

      It’s a long way round of saying – write down how you feel right now , in the moment about your AP- but write down all the niggles too – you’ll come to realise (eventually), that if you remove your h from the picture and you and your AP could actually be together – Would he rub your feet/clear up after you/ organise the bills/ sit with the kids whilst the struggled with homework etc etc? I know you will answer ‘yes’ to this – but somewhere inside you know when reality hit – he’d probably be a pain in the ass ! And then you would be starting all over again.

      Anyway – I’m rambling now. It’s therapeutic to be able to look back with utter clarity now – and I know you’ll be doing the same one day. I’m sure you’re JUST starting to learn that your story is the same as all the others – that was the moment reality started to kick in for me. I wasn’t special, he wasn’t special ‘we were just another pin-in-the-haystack’ affair couple that pulled peoples lives to pieces around us.

      I know all this is just words to you right now – and the other thing I know is … If you learn about you and your marriage – even if you are single and on a desert island in 2 years from now – your AP will be the last person you’d turn to. You can’t comprehend that now – but you will. Honestly. Huge huge hugs to you.

      • CraigslistLoveAffair


        Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts with me. I did confess, but I didn’t confess because I wanted to. I confessed because the A was killing me. Probably literally. I was so sad, not sleeping, sick all day, not eating, crying all of the time, not cooking or cleaning, forgetting things, not even remembering errands I’d ran. It was putting quite the toll on my health- both emotionally and physically. I tried to break it off with my AP many times. He tried to break if off as well. But, for whatever reason we were simply not able to walk away from one another. So, I told my H. I knew that would blow everything up and I would be forced to stop this destructive behavior. I feel like a coward that I wasn’t able to walk away myself.

        My situation started out very odd. My husband and I had decided we were going to open our marriage up to one other person, for each of us. We (H and I) were happy, content and thought we’d spice things up a little and let each other feel those butterfly feelings again. WORST decision ever. I met my AP right away. He was looking for someone to have an affair with- his wife would not know. We got pretty intense right off the bat. Neither of us ever said we planned to leave our spouses or that we would ever be more than what we were. He didn’t promise me the world. I didn’t promise him the world. But, as the time passed we began to feel quite deeply for one another. I don’t know what the appropriate amount of detail is, so I’ll leave it at that just to be safe.

        Long story short, my husband began to worry that we were falling in love with one another and he asked me to stop talking to my AP and to definitely not see him ever again. I told him I had stopped, but I was still seeing my AP several times a week and we were as in it as ever before. That went on for 4 months before I confessed six weeks ago.

        There is soooooo much more to this so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make a lot of sense. At this point, I’m still struggling to breathe. I think about the hurt I’ve caused and I’m trying to figure out how to move forward. My AP’s wife has never contacted me, but she did call my husband and asked for some details. I have heard nothing from AP or his wife since Dday. I have not reached out at all either. My husband threatened AP pretty violently, over email, so it’s not likely AP will reach out to me ever again.

        I’m waiting for the day that I feel just a little bit better. I’m waiting for the day that I don’t think about AP right when I wake up and all day long after that. I just want to forget about it and feel good in my marriage again. I know that’s way too much to ask, but I’m just being honest and getting a little bit off my chest.

        Thanks again for the support and for allowing me to vent a little bit. Hugs to you as well.

      • CraigslistLoveAffair


        I also wanted to comment on the part about my AP not being the one for me in the long run. I already know that to be true. I knew that to be true all along, but I still couldn’t stop feeling like I needed him. One time I was able to sit down and list 50, yes- truly 50, things I disliked about my AP and why he would never make me happy. It took me all of 10 minutes. But, like I said, for some reason I felt addicted to him.

        Some of the things he did during our A made me lose a lot of respect for him. (I’m sure I shouldn’t have respected him at all- nor should I have been respected) I kept thinking to myself that I would have been crushed if I was his wife and found out the stuff he was doing/saying… and truly not even caring. He is not someone I’d want to share my life with. Now I just have to get my heart where my head is. I’m one of those very emotional people. I love deeply…. even my friends. It’s definitely one of my weaknesses, but it makes me, ME, I guess.

    • gizfield

      Wow, Craigslist, that is quite a story. I’ve been exact ly where you are, at least in the aspect of someone inferior having some kind of addictive control over me. Probably more than once, unfortunately. If you have a Kindle, research limerence, or false love, or addictive love. There are a lot of good resources there. We are here to help you, please remember that.

      • CraigslistLoveAffair

        gizfield- I don’t mean to talk poorly about my AP. Aside from cheating on his wife (multiple times, from what I gather- just not physical until me), he is a good guy. Just not my type of guy. I could list the reasons, but it would bore everyone. I will just say that he’s not even half the man my husband is. He isn’t capable of that- he’s too arrogant to ever put anyone before himself and his desires. There were many reasons I liked him. He was my best friend…. which made it even worse.

        I have read about limerence. I think it was in the book “When Good People Have Affairs.” I do not know what my feelings are for him or what they were for him. I’m still trying to sort all of that out. I’m guessing I will find it was limerence… because I didn’t even know him all that well. Only what he wanted me to know, basically.

        I don’t feel like he led me on. Even though we never told each other that we were going to leave our marriages he would say things that led me to believe he wanted to. I started counseling back in September- when my marriage was struggling because of the “open” thing we were trying. I remember going from my counseling to my AP and telling him how it went. I remember telling him that she told me I needed to let go of him because he wasn’t mine to have and that people in affairs never end up happy together in the end. His reply? “Well, we will just march into her office in the future when we are together. And very happy.” Things like that all of the time…. I think that sort of thing made me feel like I liked him more and more.

        I don’t know. It’s such a mess. I am so sorry for the pain I caused. I don’t even know what pain I caused on his end. I have no idea how any of the pieces fell there. I am sick when I’m in public because I’m so nervous to run into him or his wife. I’m so ashamed of how I let this little fantasy be fed so much and grow into such a big thing.

        Thanks for the support. Being on the BS side of things in the past, I know that there is a huge need for support there. But, now that I’m on the side of CS I see how support could be needed there too.

    • gizfield

      CraigsliSt, rule number one. You are not talking bad about someone when you are telling the truth about their actions. From what you say, he says one thing and does another. These serial cheaters, which he is, have manipulation and telling you what you want to hear down to a science. I would not be surprised to find hes moved on to his next affair, truthfully. My affair partner cheated on everyone he was ever with, was a pathological liar, and would promise you anything as long as he was sure he would never actually have to do it. they are masters, seriously.

      • forcryin'outloud

        Giz you need to put this on t-shirts and sell them. It’s the honest truth!

        “You are not talking bad about someone when you are telling the truth about their actions.”

    • EyesOpened

      CLLA : What a difficult situation ! It’s not often, but I’m lost for words.

      My guess is, owing to the facts above , that the sex with the OM was stratospheric with all of the fantasy and you and your h ‘s chemistry is just not on the same level right now.

      I’m boring myself by repeating it but I really do think LOTS of counselling is the key here, to discover what it is that both you and your h are seeking.

      It sounds positive for the future to me because you love your h and recognise the good in him and I think one day, you will ‘feel’ that those are the important things in life. What you need to know is you absolutely WILL get there – but you need to allow yourself time and you need to get your h to allow you time too.

      I think you might find similar stories to yours on Daily Strength – but to me, yours is a new situation and so complicated. Although your feelings are the same as all CS’s. What I’m wondering is how aligned your h’s feeling to most BSs, given that he kind of agreed the first ‘bit’?

      • CLLA


        Believe it or not, sex with the OM was not good at all. Borderline terrible. But, I wasn’t really looking for sex as much as I was looking for affection, I think. As time progressed, I found the sex to be more satisfying. The quality of the sex was still very up satisfying, but because we were getting more emotionally attached. It was now a way to feel very close to one another instead of purely sex. If that makes sense? For the OM it was always great.

        Thankfully my h is allowing me the time I need. The first 8ish years of our marriage I had to forgive and forget over and over…. So he might feel he owes it to me? I’m not sure, but he definitely is supportive. We had sex again last night. It was the second time since Dday. Still couldn’t kiss him. Still thought of the OM. But, I didn’t cry until after we were done this time. I think that’s improvement.

        I am still in counseling, but wasn’t able to get in this week. So my second appt is for this Tuesday. I’m really looking forward to it. I think a HUGE part of my desire for an affair was because of my low self esteem and only feeling good about myself if others make me feel good about myself. Even though I’m attractive, smart, etc…. I still have always suffered from low self esteem. One of my goals is to find ways to feel good about myself without any help from other people.

        I do feel more and more clear with each passing day. Some days I feel like I took a few steps backwards but then a few days later I feel back on track again. I’m starting to feel a bit annoyed that everyone is hurting except the OM. Well, I guess I don’t know he’s not hurting, but I just picture him all content at home as everyone else suffers.

        • Mary

          I got into an affair online. It was during a bad part of my life. I suffered from depression and low self esteem from childhood sexual abuse. Anyway an old coworker started flirting with me online and I fell for it. I never loved him. But he made me feel special. It lasted almost two years with physical sex happening three times. The sex wasn’t good at all. In fact the last time it took 20 minutes for the pain to go away. In person he wasn’t the great guy I thought he was. Even though the sex sucked we fed each other kudos on it. He bragged how good he was and I went along for the texting. Anyway when I got caught it was my text messages to AP that killed my husband. He never got over it. No matter how much I tell him he is so much better those text messages are in his head. We had sex within a week of D-Day and he has been competing with the other man ever since. He went to the gym….our sex life is beyond great. I’ve never had so many orgasms in my life….on day I had 20. I was exhausted. It’s cooled down now to five or six orgasms but he still thinks the other man was great and is still competing. I guess I will never convince him….it’s been three years.

        • Me

          The om didn’t betray his partner….. Why would he be suffering??

    • gizfield

      Thanks! FCOL about the t-shirt idea. I could use a Second Income Stream, lol.

    • gizfield

      My husband would say stuff like “you are making me look bad” if I mentioned the stuff he did. I said “no, you are making YOURSELF look bad by doing the things in the first place”. Get real, buddy.

    • EyesOpened

      CLLA – was your h the one who betrayed you initially?

      • CLLA


        Yes. But it was many years ago. We’ve been married for 12 years. I think it’s been a solid five years since he’s strayed at all- was on and off the other years. A lot of his ‘cheating’ was just for the thrill, I guess. Very rarely physical. But, yes, it was him initially.

    • EyesOpened

      Wow CLLA – what a history!

      My counsellor discovered that I’d have to ‘paper over the cracks’ as a child – smile whenever my father got angry and ignore the scary, tense atmosphere of the bullying that was about to take place. I was abused by my grandfather, my parents divorced and my mum is controlling . My coping mechanism was to make everyone smile, feel good about themselves and do whatever it took to make the world feel good around me – always putting my own needs and wants last of all. If I made someone else happy, I was content. The problems came when I ‘couldn’t make my husband happy’ – but met someone else who appeared happy just being in my company . He was meeting my deepest need. After all the ‘work’ I’ve done in myself, I’m actually not nearly as nice as I used to be. – but I’m happier inside and more true to myself.

      If it doesn’t sound too rude, your marriage sounds incredibly complicated and dare I say it – broken?! It sounds as if you BOTH need to get to the roots of what is driving this behaviour from BOTH you and your h.

      It’s difficult to feel sympathy for your h, who has betrayed you previously , then have given you permission to get intimate with others. What do YOU want CLLA? Do you really want monogamy or excitement ? Doug and Linda recently wrote about permitted adultery – there may be more resources there?

      What is exceptionally clear ‘from the outside’ is that your ap is just not right for you, and you are in a very toxic place with him . I’m so glad you’ve been strong enough to end it – today is the beginning of the rest of your life CLLA – and it’s going to get immensely better from now on. Not easy. Harder in fact. But better. I’m sure of that . I’m so sorry for the pain you’re in – it makes it so hard to think.
      Keep strong.

    • Sarah

      My situation is a little bit different. My boyfriend and I had what myself and everyone else considered the “perfect” relationship- for almost 2 years. That doesn’t mean we didn’t have problems or issues from time to time- we did. But I believed we addressed them. Then boom: he has an unexpected 2 month long affair. Afterwards, there was a great deal of turbulance, hurt, anger, and personal growth for each of us…and working through contributing factors which had culminated in the affair. Afterwards, we managed to maintain a somewhat regular, and at times intensely passionate, sex life. We continue to work through various issues surrounding the affair, but the predominate issue at this time- 2+ years after the affair, is my sexual desire (or lack thereof), for my boyfriend. I can be insanely aroused, and anticipating sex- and then he touches me, and all sexual desire is gone. I no longer want sex at all. I do find him incredibly attractive, so it’s not simply a matter of attraction. Unlike many, I also don’t have images of him engaged in sexual acts with the other woman when this happens. Its just that all of my sexual desire spontaneously and without reason disappears. Anyone else have this type of experience after having survived the initial sexual complication following an affair?

    • RomanceLoses2Blane

      I hate to say i feel my situation is different – i would feel so much better in a “support” group if i felt i had much in common with the group. I feel, 23 months from D-Day, that i should be farther along, especially after therapy has helped with communication and other issues we have had. But my wife was a bit of an introvert, not the biggest sexual history, and i too was not the most open when it came to sex. We both brought many resentments into our marriage, many of which had nothing to do with us. But we dated for 3 years and were very happy. Rarely fought. Respected one another. Loved one another. I did not have the most self-esteem, but i was and always will be a diehard romantic. My wife still says this is why she fell in love with me.
      Dating, we grew more comfortable sexually with ourselves, but as we got married, amd had children, our sex love grew bland. She did not feel good about her body post-partum, and struggled. I never looked away, and tried to tell her how beautiful she was.

      When she could not believe it, it hurt, but therapy ten years ago told me she had to feel it for herself, when she was ready. My wife was never comfortable kissing me beneath the neck, not being kissed anywhere lower than the neck. I was patient, would never pressure her to do anything she did not want to. But i would bring up every 5 years or so that i would love to share any oral exchange with her. But left itvat that.

      So when she found herself, the introvert, reaching out to keep in contact with her boss of 5 years as he got promoted, it seemed a bolder version of her. When they talked of doing shots together, my wife who had not done so since we were single changed again. And when he sexted her that he wanted to do things to her at work, and have her do things to him – things that she had not been interested nor comfortable doing to or with me – and she found herself turned on and texting him that yes, she wanted him to take her, and she wanted to kiss him everywhere, in much less pg verbage, she broke my heart.

      It was only sexting. But it was an affair. It only lasted a few weeks, but it was he who stopped it, not her. 10 months later, they were only happy holiday texts, but she reached out to him because she could not gdt him off her mind.

      So, he was ten years younger than me. Her ex-boss. Had more in common with her than me. I am attractive for my age, but i cannot compete with youth. Full hair. Sexual stamina. And i cannot let go of the fact that her desire for him was more than it ever was for me in our 20+ years of marriage, proven in her boldness, comfort in textinf sexually, and desire to do things never before shared with me. Now she wants to share those things with me, but as we sought therapy ten years ago when she first felt no desire for me sexually, no desire to find out why it was gone, and felt life would be great if could just hold every night – it seems too little, too late.

      So, how does one who has always been there, never pushed a lady to where she was not comfortable, and always waited patiently for her to come around – how does he not feel he has always lost out to her fantasies of actors, bad boys, and shades of gray – which she finally made a reality in her boss. I feel her love for me. I see her remorse and what my pain has done to her. But i also feel love will never be enough. My outlook on life has changed. The good guy may get the girl, but he does not keep her, not in the face of sexual desire. And that is what is supposed to separate married couples from friends. But how do you recover that desire, as long as you feel she loves you and will do anything for you? Include settling in terms of sexuality, and will do things with you that she truly desired with those that motivated her to new heights, new feelings of “being alive”? I cannot see it.

    • LostInSF

      I’m going to keep this short and sweet. 1) b/c I’m at work and 2) I’m actually really tired of talking, much less thinking, of “our affair”.

      My details: Married 11 years, known each other for 12. 2 kids. Wife started an affair about 3 years ago during a period where I lost my job then went through a period of depression (nice). AP is someone I know which makes my blood boil that much more; his kid goes to our kid’s school and so I occasionally see him. I have emailed/talked face-to-face with him, at times with anger and other times in a civil way. Do not wish to speak or even see him anymore, though. Wife ended affair after my discovery, but did talk to him 1 or 2x. Has gone through grieving the loss which, on the one hand, I am empathetic towards and, on the other, really cannot tolerate it. Where’s my empathy?!

      We have slowly restored some intimacy, mostly closeness/togetherness. Things like sitting on the sofa and watching a movie, she with her legs on my lap and snuggling. Or me lightly scratching her back, which she likes alot, while snuggling/spooning in bed. We hug/hold each other. Those moments are nice.

      But she does not want to kiss. Has reminded me that she has never liked kissing all that much, especially really passionate/”make out” type kisses. But even right now, soft/somewhat quick kisses are too much for her. And sex is out of the question. I’m a patient man. I understand that we need to find the friendship and closeness again, I really do. But this is making me bonkers. I can’t stand to lie in bed, softly stroking my wife’s back, and not want her. She loves me, cares for me very much, but said in the days after D-day that she did not love me as her husband and did not have any sexual feelings towards me. She has said that she needs time to process, needs some space to figure things out as she goes through her own counseling (she has said that she will go to see a MC with me soon), that what she experienced was sort of a mid-life crisis (she is approaching 50 soon), and that she needs to figure out what the next chapter of her life will look like. The great thing is that she is using alot of “we” statements rather than some of the “I ” statements I remembered (and was puzzled hearing) in the 2 years or so before D-day, things like “when we retire” or “where we live”, etc.

      Our sex life for the first half of our marriage was very good. Once the kids were toddlers it began to suffer a little, mostly out of sheer exhaustion. More recently, peri-menopause has been the culprit. To be young and not have any issues in the bedroom! Ugh. She had complained about some things we had done sexually that weren’t working for her, things which I have vowed we would change b/c I love and respect her and want her to feel both comfortable and like she’s getting what she needs. But I have needs, too; I have my own “love language” that needs to be spoken. I have been always treated her with sweetness and respect, what many guys in her past could not/would not provide. And yet I’m the one who is punished for that. Totally lost on that count.

      Anyone have any thoughts here? We are sort-of on the road to intimacy, which is really nice, but I feel like I’m high school again; we’re not even heavy petting, and I feel like a 15 year old with a boner and not knowing what to do with it. This is my wife, partner and friend of 12 years — I should not have to even think about this. I do want her to come to me when she is ready, b/c it’s the only way that I will know that she truly wants to reignite our relationship, but I didn’t say it wasn’t maddening!

      And RomanceLoses2Blane: I feel for you, man. Good luck with your wife. My strategy? Be the man she fell for. Keep it light. Have fun. Remind her of why she chose you and no one else (and vice versa). That’s been my M.O.

      • Struggling

        This is my situation right now. I can resonate with your comments.

        Have things improved for you?

    • Mary

      Ok, I had an affair. Why? I don’t know. I don’t remember the whole thing but I do remember my head was screwed up. Depression, mood swings, crying for no reason. My affair lasted two years. Mostly texting but we did meet three times for sex. I didn’t really know the guy, ex coworker that popped up on fb years later and started flirting with me. Wow did I feel sexy and wanted. I felt safe behind my phone. He was living 9000 miles away so I figured I was safe. Then one day he showed up. After months of sexting and talking about sex there he was. I felt trapped. I felt like I couldn’t say no. That’s how the physical part started. So we had sex twice while he was there. He turned out to be a total self centered flop. Sex was awful. He was very small downstairs, didn’t know what forplay was, was in a hurry and had bad ED issues. Both times I left feeling used. I felt like he treated me like a whore. He was not the charming person his text led me to believe. Texting continued for months. He demanded nude photos weekly. I did a video chat with him so he could masterbate. Made me feel humiliated. He showed up one more time. I went over to end it but he was drunk and I was scared. Sex happened and again it was awful. Took 20 minutes for the pain to go away. I felt guilty. The texting that had made me feel happy was gone. He turned very controlling. Holidays and or if I posted something on fb about how much I loved my husband he would pop up. Demanding pictures. Making me feel like a whore. I just didn’t know how to end it. I hoped he would just lose interest. Then I got caught. I devistated my husband. He read the text messages, saw the pictures. It’s hard to watch a loved ones heart break in front of your eyes. It’s been three years now. Our sex life was always great and is still. But he is still hung up on the affair sex. I can’t tell him it sucked. He will say “that isn’t what your text messages said”. And he’s right. My AP always demanded I tell him how good he was in bed. That’s how he started every text conversation. I just couldn’t tell him he sucked in bed. I don’t know why. I did after the affair was exposed. I wrote him a goodbye letter. Told him how bad him and his tiny limp dick sucked in bed. Thanked him for sharing my pictures with old coworkers ect. Anyway, that’s the problem now. My husband thinks we had great kinky sex cause EVERYBODY on the internet says affair sex is mind blowing….so after telling him the truth for three years I just quit. I will never convince him. He believes the internet more than me. He still has mind movies. Breakdowns at times. I’m doing everything I can to fix this marriage. Been in M/C for years. Don’t have an affair. It may start off good but it destroys a lifetime. It will affect your children. When you start your affair you don’t think of these things. You mind blocks them out. If I could only turn back time. For you husband out there, if your wife says her affair sex wasn’t that great….there may be a good chance it wasn’t.

    • Mary

      I had the affair. It took awhile for my husband to get back into sex but when he did it was fantastic. We never had a bad sex life. But I could tell he was competing. But the sex was nonstop. I’ve never had 20 orgasms in one day before. But like I said it was competition. And he didn’t have to. The sex during my affair was awful. I told him that but he won’t believe it. I don’t care. My affair partner was just in it for himself, was very small downstairs and and had ED issues. Never had an orgasm during my affair. You don’t hear that offen but I bet it happens more than women will admit.

    • E


      Hysterical bonding is great and exhausting. It’s been almost 2.5 years since I found out the truth of my H’s affair and I think because part of him is scared I’ll leave and part is confusion of love, affection and emotional connection that’s we are yet on the same level with we just keep of a crazy cycle. The sex is incredible don’t get me wrong. I waited about week to have sex after d-day. Which went through a complicated round of chaos because of affair fog from him for months.

      We went to counseling together for about 6 months as I started seeing my own therapist and with much insight as to my own issues about sex came to discover I view sex as no big deal it’s the lies that are the issues I have problems with and has made it harder to connect emotionally for me. I was driven by competitive nature with sex and fear of him still having the affair so he couldn’t leave the house without getting laid first. This still happens from time to time yet it’s on a different level now, the fear isn’t there a high and we have started working on communication and emotional intimacy.

      The great thing about seeing the comments from others is the kissing issue. I’m still uncomfortable to kiss him even 2.5 years after and I’ve been trying to. It’s more that the other women or the affair. Some things are different with me after his affair and I don’t want to be kissed passionately because I’m not comfortable with it. A kiss to me means more than sex. It’s a different level of bonding and intimacy. So, we are still trying.

    • LostInSF

      Update: Last time I posted was June 2017. And things “seemed” to be on an upward swing. Not so much the case anymore.

      Both my wife and I have gone through counseling, both independently and together. I got tired of repeating myself in solo counseling. Now, I just rely on my faith and talking with 1-2 close friends or family members. Wife did solo counseling for 6 months. Seemed to help as far as giving her a chance to vent some other issues that contribute to her general unhappiness (as well as to talk about the dreaded “us”). And we saw an MC together, for 4 or so sessions, then took a break. I’m not so sure about the therapist; I had asked her, when I initially asked her a few Q’s when looking for a MC, if she was “pro marriage” — she said she was and yet brought up things like separation of alternative living situations shortly after we started. Not exactly pro marriage if you ask me.

      We have revealed a lot of ourselves to each other since last year, have even had some pockets of happiness here and there (especially with respect to our children/family times). But we have not gotten any closer. There has been zero intimacy; even the spooning has stopped. More worrisome, though, is that she seems to be just as confused as ever — and she was the one who had the affair. I am beyond confused at this point; more like exasperated. Exhausted. One day, after thinking on both the miserable state of my marriage and also my older brother’s cancer prognosis, I crawled into bed with my clothes on and slept 10 hours.

      We just “celebrated” (more like observed) our 12th anniversary. I had wanted to do something, anything — go out of town for a few days to the beach, just as friends, and forget about shit for 48 hours — but she couldn’t handle that. So we essentially did nothing. A few days later (long story short) we had a fight; she must have said the phrase “I want a separation” a dozen times. I gave up and told her to do what she will; we had previously had a dialogue where I told her that I had certain principles and beliefs in what I want in marriage and my partner, and she had floated the idea of separation to which I said “if that’s how you feel about it — I can’t stop you from your truth, and you can’t prevent my own”. Don’t even really care anymore, which is the worse part; that she loves our family so much but is willing to break that to pieces, rather than dig down deep and actively work on restoring our relationship (after SHE tore it to shreds), speaks a lot. It’s extremely selfish. And I know that I have done every last thing I can to take us to a place of forgiveness and resolution. I can sleep at night. But my kids, how do I tell my kids? How can we both look them in the eye — especially after going out and having fun as a family to pumpkin patches and all that — that mom and dad couldn’t unpack their shit and do the right thing, the honorable thing? Breaks my heart.

      To the ladies here who had affairs: do you feel that some sort of midlife crisis played a role in your affair? How about issues with hormones? My wife has been taking hormone therapy for over a year. I serously believe that a midlife crisis lies at the heart of this.

      PS – if you want to know how a guy really feels in the aftermath of an affair listen to Phil Collins “Take A Look At Me Now (Against All Odds”)

    • CLT_BS

      I am so sad to read about all of your troubles, but I am unfortunately in a similar boat.

      My H had an affair that he eventually left our marriage for. He wouldn’t admit that was the reason he left, but I soon found out and proceeded toward divorce. After lawyers and mediation we started talking and have been going through MC and our own individual C.

      I have the same frustrations that many have cited. I feel very sexual toward my H, and he is holding back. Little by little we are re-engaging, but we have not had sex, have not slept in the same bed even after 4 months of working toward reconciliation.

      I don’t know if we will be able to live together as h and w again. Still, intimacy I think would help us move forward. My fear is that he still has feelings for the OW that somehow won’t allow him to open up to me. This thought is devastating to me. It makes sense even though he says it’s not true.

      Would a CS please help me understand what is going on with my H?

      Thank you

    • Jennet

      Hi I’m 19 months in from DD somedays still non the wiser about what happened to us.52 years together married for 50 then 5 years ago he started a physical affair with a friend!!! 20 years his junior. We are in a much better place but intimacy /SEX is still an issue what with ED at times and basically not wanting me.i still feel he is holding back whether its guilt or that he still has feelings for her and he says not.not sure I believe him though.i feel we are living a happy life as ‘Friends’ and it’s not enough for me and I don’t know what to do about it. The trust hasn’t returned as I thought It would by now although i don’t think it will ever be 100%.in my heart i feel if we hadn’t been in lockdown for all those months just after I found out I would have left him but now I don’t know what to do .do I accept it the way it is or do I move on even though j love him so much always have and always will. I’m sure he loves me as he had many opportunities to go.not to her because she didn’t want him after I told her husband about the affair ,wanted her husband with his fat pay packet and not an old pensioner although she wanted him enough to destroy our life.still much confusion going on in my head will it ever end??
      I wish you all the very best in this horrible time if our lives.it certainly can’t get any worse.

      • Shifting Impressions

        I had many of those same feelings the first few years after d-day. It’s long difficult journey and there just aren’t any short cuts. For the first few years I had no idea if we would make it.

        Regarding intimacy…..we encountered some of those same difficulties. My husband and I are both 68 and have been married almost 48 years so it’s hard to tell if it’s normal stuff at our age or if some of it stems from the infidelity.

        For almost three years after d-day I cried almost every day. It was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep.

        Slowly the crying stopped but I experienced a deep sadness that last almost a year.
        Slowly and I mean slowly I started to get better. One step forward and then two steps back. A roller coaster ride of emotions. The CS often has no idea the depth of emotions they have unleashed in their partner due to their betrayal.

        After seven years my husband is just starting to deal with the WHY.

        I hope you have some support as you go through this nightmare.

    • Jennet

      Hi shiftingimpressions,thanks for your words of encouragement. I’m 69 and my husband is 70 so I think the lack of intimacy is an age thing but the hardest part is the fact that they had sex he says not very often and not very good I just said bullshit pull the other one.so that wasn’t one of our better conversations because I don’t believe any of it. I just didnt think that my sex life was going to finish at the age of 64 when he started the affair and that hurts so much. We have an agreement that we are intimate once a week not always successful but its a start although it feels like making an appointment but if it works then that’s the wayy it’s got to be because if I wait for him to take the initiative I’d be waiting forever. Its not the most gratifying way because I feel ‘needy’ which makes me feel appalled at my self that it has come to this.icouldn’t careless if he fantasised about being with her because I need and want that closeness. He says he understands how I feel and that he will never forgive himself for what he has done to me. I think men can put things in boxes and just live their lives as though nothing has happened. On the other hand the betrayed feels every emotion possible and it is so hard to be positive all the time. When all you want to do is crawl into s corner and cry your eyes out.I think I’ve come to accept what has happened and it is allwsys going to be part of our lives as much as I want to forget it ever happened you just can’t forget you just have to.live with it the best way you can..my family have been devastated by it but they have accepted it they are grown women I’m not sure if they have forgiven him but that’s up to them.i would say to anyone in this horrific situation surround ypurself with a good couple of true friends so you have someone to turn to day or night when the darkness hits and it does believe me and its hell. I think the most important thing is to look after yourself exercise don’t drink too much that makes it worse.i guess it’s going to take me long ger to get over this than I thought.things must be improving because I can go best part of the day without thinking about what happened. So good luck to you wonderful people out there jennet

    • Jennet

      Hi everyone,it’s a year since I posted my last post.a lot has happened in that time we had s major bust up news day after I found a text from my husband to the OW I didn’t see hers as it was deleted he just wasn’t quick enough to delete his.in fact it might have done us a favour as I gave him the ultimatum to leave I have never done that before as I wasn’t so sure I could see it through.thid time it was different he had told me over and over again he had no contact with her since July 2020 after seeing that last text I didn’t believe a word of it.i was so angry never been that angry in my life shocked myself as much as him!! I felt I was back in the beginning but surprisingly I wasn’t I’m stronger now than I was then and he knows it. He said he was so very sorry etc.etc. he is ashamed of the pain he has put me and our family through.
      For the time being I’m staying with him and will continue to work on myself and our marriage as best I can.
      There is intimacy and affection now which is nice.i can’t say trust is there yet and maybe it never will be.
      I feel at my time of life 70 yrsI can’t keep living in the past I have to accept that it happened and I suppose it will always be with him/us one way or another.
      I’m happy most of the time sometimes it creeps up on me a d I deal with it. I don’t know if he is happy he seems to be. We are not mind readers so who knows.
      What I do know if it starts again I will leave him regardless of the excuses.
      So you lovely people look after yourselves and be kind to yourself none of this is your fault.

      • Cassandra

        Hi Jennet

        I’m sorry to hear you found out your husband was texting her again that is just another knife in the heart. I am exactly where you were July 2021. I dont know how to cope with it. We go one step forward an two steps back. The intimacy is the same as yours was.

    • jennet

      Hi Cassandra I know how you feel everything seems to have double meanings you try and see the positives but then the negatives creep in.i think it’s the lack of trust being the biggest problem it all stems from that
      and because the trust has been broken so many times over the years it is so difficult to get it back because you can feel yourself just waiting to be betrayed again.
      Somedays I feel so resentful of both of them for changing me into someone I don’t recognize. On days like that I usually go for a long wAlk or meet friends for coffee. I don’t think my husband will ever understand the pain he has caused and js still causing by being so lacking in empathy. He says it’s finished so that should be enough !! If only it was that simple.
      Good luck to you it’s a hard, rocky road were travelling that’s for sure. jennet

      • Cassandra

        Hi Jennett

        Mice to here back from you.. You are describing me exactly. I am feeling the same that they have changed me into a different person.. I look at my husband with real anger sometimes and think how could you have done this. I cant get it out my mind it’s there every day. We will go out and have a nice time doing something with friends or just together and it will disappear out my mind for a while then when we get home it all comes back again.. I keep going over it in my head and I find myself asking questions again he gets annoyed and says I have told you everything but I create scenes in my head different to what he said then I am really negative towards him and my anxiety is heightened. He says the same its finished can we just move on i said it’s not that easy, as you said they don’t understand what it has done to us mentally, unless you been there you won’t understand. My head is messed up now.. we were the couple all my friends envied, we were so loved up.. i go and meet friends for a walk to if I’m having bad day but only 2 of my friends know what happened I dont want others to know. Do all your friends know?? Also do you know the person he went off with. Is she in the same town. Mine is which makes it worse not that I have seen her.. wanted to confront her after what shes put me through but I havent..did you confront your husbands? I know he regrets what he did and I don’t think he would do it again, but I still ask why so many times, hope we can both get through this.. it’s nice to talk to someone who has been through the same. Good luck..Maybe we can help each other..

    • jennet

      Hi Cassandra it really is the most difficult thing to over come but I think we will do it eventually.
      My friends and family know it was too hard to keep it a secret and about 6 months after DD I told him to leave so I could have some time to myself to sort out what I wanted to do we agreed on a 2 month separation he rented an apartment nearby I don’t think there was a day where he didn’t call me or see me made him realise what he’d done,but I suspect he had contact with her aswell. It did me good to think about everything and I decided to stay a d try and work things out I felt I didn’t want to throw 50 years of s happy life away for a mistake admittedly a very stupid mistake my husband isn’t a bad man but he did do a bad thing which I’m sure he maybe doesn’t regret the affsjr if he was totally honest about it but I know he regrets the aftermath of the consequences it’s caused for all of us.
      Unfortunately for me she pretended to be a friend and she lives two roads away so I do see her occasionally and when I did I used to feel hatred but now I don’t feel anything but contempt for her. I have never confronted her but I did tell her husband about what had been going on. He works away for 3 months at a time so that was where the opportunity was. She denied everything said he was a friend and a father figure as he is 20 years older than her. He confronted my husband while I was there so my husband couldn’t lie about it all. I just felt she had f….. Up my life so this would do the same to her. As I felt she deserved it .
      I found great comfort from this website also marriage helper.com and books from Andrew G.Marshall.
      I think I’ve got to the stage where I realise I have to enjoy what happiness I’ve got concentrate on the goods things in life and be grateful for the family and friends that Ive got.
      So good luck with your battle it’s hard I know but if you love your husband and he loves you then that is half the battle won. The other half is our imagination working in overdrive because if what they had was that special then they would be together and they are not and from my side I gave him every opportunity to go.
      Take care if yourself jennet

    • Cassandra

      Hi Jennet
      Is there anyway we can talk privately as you’re story is so much like mine. My H moved out for 3 months and we had contact nearly every day too, his OW was 30 years younger ! Think it was an ego boost.. My family know very little about what happened, I think it will make things awkward as we are always together, I feel like I am protecting him, I dont know why. We had another massive argument last night as we just found out she is going to be at a a mutual friends engagement party we are going to and it stirred up all emotions again. I havent seen her since and I really don’t know what to do, should I say anything or just leave it be. But I feel why should she get away with what she has done to us. But I dont really want a confrontation. I am back to square one I been upset all night. I’m now a mess again. I feel I cant cope. Would be nice if we could talk another way but I don’t know how do you? Its good to talk to someone who has been through very similar to me, maybe we can help each other..

      • Doug

        Hey Cassandra and Jennet, Thanks for your comments to the site. We appreciate it. If you do wish to talk privately, I’d suggest that you do not put your email address or phone number in the comments. Email me here: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/contact-us/ and I can see that you get each other’s information.

    • Jennet

      Hi Cassandra
      I think it’s a better way to put our posts out to everyone as there are probably a lot of people going through the same things.
      Everyone is so different I think we all have to find out own way of dealing with the trauma of infidelity. I can only suggest find as much information you can from a variety of books,blogs, websites it helps to get perspective. Everyone in this situation has their ups and downs everything seems to be magnified. I suggest you get your
      Glad rags on and enjoy the party don’t drink too much as that might make you be confrontational and you will end up doing something you might regret.
      In the beginning I went on anxiety medication and that helped a lot perhaps see your doctor for advice.
      It’s all about acceptance, forgiveness and try and live your life the best way you can and try not to feel on the past after all we can’t change it we can only change ourselves we can’t control anyone else either as much as we might want to.
      Stay strong and take care jennet

      • Cassandra

        Ok Jennet I understand it’s just some things I dont want to really say on here. I am trying all those things you said. But I keep going over the past and looking back on text messages and things between us and what is wrote in the diary at that time and I am punishing myself for not noticing anything going on. But I never thought he would ever do this so I wasnt suspicious if he finished work late or said was meeting a mate. I will get on thise glad rags but I know it will be horrible when I see her just thinking it is giving me severe anxiety . As you said before if we love each other its half the battle won, and we do but I think I will push him away by keep bringing it up, I just seem to want answers is that wrong? I dont believe he is telling me all the truth anyway, they wouldn’t would they..and by knowing it all it makes you feel worse so why cant I stop. Anyway if there is anyone on here who is going through the same and wants to talk privately then get in touch with Doug on here. I am a good listener too and it’s good to talk and get it all out. Good luck Jennet.

    • Jennet

      Cassandra all these things you are doing is typical of the shock of infidelity we feel a tremendous amount of guilt and self loathing and the feeling of being such an idiot not seeing what was going on but let me tell you they are such good liars probably most of us out there found out about the affair purely by accident I know I did. I asked questions all the time and they don’t tell you the truth most of the time because of the shame and guilt they are carrying and maybe they think that more information will hurt you more!!!
      If you don’t want to go to the party don’t go
      It’s entirely up to you don’t feel pressured into doing something that you don’t want to do it’s your choice and I’m sure your husband will understand the reason for not going.
      Why don’t you speak to Linda or Doug I did many times they are so comforting and so honest with their answers.
      Also go to YouTube/marriagehelper.com
      They have so much stuff on there it covers every possible question you have.
      You are not alone in this battle there are so many of us check out some of the other topics on here. Don’t be afraid to say anything you are completely anonymous get it off your chest.
      I have two very close friends that In time of need they are there for me. Have you got anyone that you could trust completely to talk to.
      You will have bad days and it is overwhelming I think what we do forget is that our partner has days like that obviously for different reasons but still debilitating.
      Take care jennet

      • Cassandra

        Thanks Jennet. Thanks for your advice, would love to speak to Doug or Linda they sound amazing but I cant afford their prices unfortunately. Being able to talk to you is comforting and helping me understand a few things. Some days I just cry and think will I ever get through this. Theres always the elephant in the room around intimacy , please tell me it gets better. I need to go to that party I don’t want her thinking I’m not going coz she is there. Very weird but after talking to you yesterday i actually saw her drive past me at traffic lights first time I have seen her since DD. I do have 2 very close friends I turn to aswell if needed and family but tend not to tell them as much. I want to be able to look forward and stop going through old phone messages, diary etc seeing what I can work out when, why and how it happened.. I even check his phone now and again not to see if hes doing anything as hes not but to see what hes left behind and I have come across things he forgot to delete like screenshots of conversations etc. Just makes me feel worse. But Just by talking to you and hearing you have been through similar and giving me some advice helps somewhat ..thankyou so much for listening as I know it’s hard for you too.

    • Jennet

      Cassandra you don’t have to pay for Doug and Linda just do a post like this to them.
      Why dont you try having a journal write everything down what you are feeling etc.
      It really does help challenge the thoughts accept the feelings I read that somewhere!!
      I wouldn’t advise looking at all the old stuff that just brings everything back you will ever forget this stuff so dont keep reminding yourself of it all.
      Hold your head up high you did t ask for any of this you are not the betrayer the choices they made were there’s alone its unfortunate we have to deal with the after effects.
      It will get better it just takes time.
      I don’t know about intimacy so much I suppose that depends on lots of things I e.
      Age,our expectations ,our imagination about what they were doing etc.its a complete individual thing.
      Go to the party enjoy meeting old friends it won’t be as hard as you imagine
      I made my own mantra for the really bad days a d there have many far to many.
      It goes like this:
      He’s with me
      She’ll never have his family
      She’ll never have his youth
      She’ll never have our memories
      All she’ll have is lies
      Make something like this for yourself.
      Try not to spend too much time on your own do things you enjoy with people you love.
      It will get easier whether you stay or go it’s your choice no one else has that choice.
      Take. Care jennet

    • Cassandra

      Hi Jennet so Doug and Linda will answer anyone on here if you wish to send them a message is that what you are saying. As I havent seen anyone talking to them. I am going to stop looking back now through old stuff as I have put myself right back there again as if its just happened because obviously I have found fresh evidence and have worked out more went on than what he told me and its eating me up slowly.. So I am mentally worse than when he moved back in. I sometimes wanna walk away but I still love him, why I don’t know. I think about it every morning I wake and last thing before I sleep I really need to get these thoughts out my head. I am going to talk to a counsellor next week. How are things with your husband now, hope they are better for you, did you or do you feel like you act and speak different to each other now though coz I do. Did you have issues with watching programmes on tv with people having affairs in it, literally everything we watch seems to have something in it which makes viewing feel awkward. I know this is always going to be there but it just makes the healing process harder. Sorry for ranting on just need to get others perspective on this ..I will check out for a while now to try and deal with things and get myself together as I feel like I am going to go down the depression route. Many thanks.

    • Jennet

      Cassandra I felt and still do at times the same as you I think it’s all part of the healing process it takes time.our confidence gets such a battering you question everything that’s said looking for hidden meanings all sorts of stupid things. definitely TV, music etc.
      My husband is much better we have an agreement that if we are having a bad day we tell each other that way if either of us wants some time out we have it without any questions. I don’t ask him what’s bothering him as it doesn’t get us any where and I really don’t want to know if he’s thinking of the ‘what ifs’or if he is feeling shame guilt he’s got to deal with his conscience .so I give him space and that seems to work for us.we do talk about it sometimes but less and less now.there is no point In going over and over it as we can’t change the past we have to go forward the best way we can.
      Check out some of the other pages on this site there’s so much help on here and you can send Doug and Linda a post just the same as you have done with me they will always answer.
      Cassandra it will get better but it will take time so don’t be too hard on yourself. Infidelity changes us in ways we could never have imagined.
      Take care jennet

      • Cassandra

        Thankyou Jennet..I was doing a bit better, we had a lovely weekend together until today when a friend told me that a mutual friend knows about my husbands affair, the one person I didn’t want to know as she has the biggest mouth around loves to gossip, so now I am extremely upset because everyone I speak to now I will be thinking I bet you no and i cant deal with it. How am I meant to move on from this. I feel like hiding away and never going out I hate him for doing this to me. Do many know about your husbands affair or has it not been leaked out..if so how do you deal with it…sorry for asking you questions but no one else seems to have be on here for ages.

    • Jennet

      Cassandra that’s fine ask away.
      Most of my friends know and my family.
      You think at the time everyone’s talking about you but that’s probably not the case.
      There’s always more juicy gossip don’t let it get to you. I expect you feel so sensitive about everything and so much of it is in our imagination.
      Why don’t you email Linda or Doug.
      Or go onto YouTube marriage helper .com there is so much help you can get.
      I would strongly recommend that you see your doctor for some anxiety medication they are different to anti depressants perhaps you need something to help you get things into perspective otherwise you are going to go mad.
      Please believe it gets better but concentrate on yourself ,keep a journal put all your thoughts in that. Do exercise of some sort whatever you enjoy.
      I’m not a religious person but I came across this amazing site called red rock church in American Google it there’s a piece about ‘when hurt still hurts’ I found it inspiring give it a go.
      I wish you well jennet

    • Don't Put Up With It

      Don’t know where to start – I caught my husband on online dating services years ago – oh, maybe 6 years ago…..I try not to remember these things. He was also writing to an ex of his & being romantic with her in emails, texts, etc. I raised holy hell, and I’m a scary person when I’m angry. The roof shakes. I know he didn’t have physical sex with them….I know this. He stopped the online dating stuff, as far as I know….I just stopped looking because a big part of me no longer gave a shit. I should have left him then. But I didn’t for a variety of reasons. I found out a few months ago he’s still engaged with the ex – phone calls, texts, gifts – all stuff he deliberately hides from he. He’s mentioned other friends to me, but NEVER THIS WOMAN. NEVER. Well, maybe once or twice many years ago (we’ve been together nearly 23 yrs). It hurts & I’ve been debating what to do but I know again…it’s not physical, she’s too far away and she a mess anyway. I read in his text msgs that she has….wait for it….intestinal parasites. Charming. So he’s been discussing that with her.

      Anyway….our sex life, which was never great or earth shattering has gone to absolutely NOTHING. NOTHING. He barely wants me to touch him or kiss him. He never initiates and seems repulsed when I do. Now….I am 66 (he’s 62) but I’m reasonably good looking & shapely. I’m passionate. I’m fun. Can’t get a rise out of him. He has had a serious illness but this started before then and he’s getting better now. I’ve tried talking to him over and over. I keep trying to initiate over and over. But nothing. I just have to wonder if some guys are well….prudish about sex. Or they can only have sex in certain ways or certain conditions. I’m thinking of you folks who had PAs sprung on you. Maybe he’s ASHAMED and it’s affecting his ability to perform. Maybe he now connects sex to being dirty, secretive like he was with his AP. It’s become NASTY and he can’t think of it as wholesome again. Even if you want to…..maybe he’s just having trouble getting sexual because sex is something different now. A sex therapist? I dunno. Just throwing the spaghetti at the wall & seeing what sticks. I’m pretty fed up myself.

    • Danielle

      Found him on his phone at 2A. Sexting with women and men n trying to meet. I’m repulsed. We used to have 3 ways years ago n dabbled in bisexuality but never solo. I’m so very angry. I saw him thru a medical situation he almost died from n now I’m dwn in my health n I find him doing THIS? Talk about hurt. He says I can’t say I don’t want sex bcuz it will cause problems. He was too sick for sex n tht was ok. I thght he was my best friend. He said he doesn’t know why he did it n I need to get over it. That he was never going to really do anything.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.