Infidelity causes intense emotional pain--anger, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.Emotional Affairs: Rekindled Past Flames
One of the common threads we have noticed from comments to this blog as well as from the emails we receive, is that many of the emotional affairs that exist are being carried out with old boyfriends or girlfriends. We thought that was kind of interesting and decided to do a little research on the subject. We were kind of surprised to find out that this sort of thing has been a growing trend. It actually has a name for it—“Rekindling.”
Probably the most notable person who has conducted research for this phenomenon is Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. who began her research on rekindled romances in 1993 with a simple survey of men and women who tried reunions with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Her initial survey request for participation appeared on radio stations, television shows, in magazines and newspapers, and on the Internet (which at the time would have been in its infancy).
As a result of that first survey, Dr. Kalish found that reunions with former boyfriends or girlfriends were common in all age groups. Two-thirds of the participants had reunited with their first loves from when they were 17 years old or younger. Their success rate for staying together was 78%. For the overall sample, the staying together rate was 72%. In our opinion that is a very high success rate. However, something changed as her research model switched to more internet based research.
Recently, she conducted new research on participants who have typically found each other online through sites such as Facebook, Classmates.com, etc. These participants are very different in one respect: the majority (62%) are married, or their lost loves are married, or both. They are in unexpected emotional (and often physical) extramarital affairs with their old flames.
These extramarital reunions were generally not successful, and the reconnections were devastating to the spouses, children, and the lost loves themselves. Although most participants believed they could carry on the affairs until they decided what to do about their marriages, most were caught by their families.
Because of the high extramarital rate, successful reunions for this group of participants was low: only 5% of the lost love couples married each other; one or both of the affair partners chose to remain married. If they were not caught, most ended their reunions after a few years. About half of those in Kalish’s sample who divorced to get back together reported that before renewing contact with their earlier love, their current marriages had been good.
Thinking about an old flame is fine, but beware of contacting them because it can escalate into an affair with amazing speed and force. It’s like you’re falling in love all over again, thrown back to those exciting teenage days. One survey participant noted that her first boyfriend found her on classmates.com, and before she knew it, she was obsessed, and then lying to her husband, and then sexually unfaithful, and then caught by her husband – who, to her continuing gratitude, stuck with her instead of divorcing her.
Therapists tend to underestimate the powerful nature of such old loves, especially first loves, Kalish argues. As a result, they tend to tell such patients that their feelings for their re-found loves are based on fantasy and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if they only try. But that fails to take into account that reunited lovers really do know and love each other, and a first love, in particular, remains unique.
“This is not about sex, it is not about the spouse or the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis. The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.”
Some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the same way as a baby attaches to a mother. Psychologist Linda Waud says, “There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals, and that’s why it’s enduring and it never leaves your mind. It’s there forever and ever.” She goes on to say, “There is this strong sense that they have to reconnect with the other person before they die.” Waud herself, was reunited with her current husband after more than 35 years apart; they met at a high school reunion after each of their marriages to other people had ended.
Not every affair leads to marriage; indeed, most don’t. According to the late infidelity researcher Shirley Glass, Ph.D., when one spouse leaves for another person, the chance of failure for the new relationship is about 75 percent.
On a survey follow up, one of the participants wrote that one day while performing a search on the Internet, she typed her college sweetheart’s name on a whim. “I didn’t even know I’d been thinking of him,” she says. Within weeks, they’d rendezvoused; within months, she had left her husband of 32 years and bought a condo in the city where her old flame lived.
Almost immediately, the relationship deteriorated. “All of a sudden, he was too busy. The flowers stopped, the candy stopped,” she says. “We tried to make it work for a few years, but it eventually ended in a very ugly way. I was foolish—I saw what I wanted to see.” Surprisingly, she and her husband never divorced, and they are working toward reconciliation.
Repairing trust in a marriage is hard enough after an affair. But bouncing back from a lost-love affair is far more complicated. Many couples are unable to rebuild the relationship without professional help. The solution is as individual as the two people involved, but a good marriage counselor should be able to help find it.
So just how worried should married people be that their spouse is going to have an affair and leave them for their first love? The answer: not very. For most people, a blast from the past won’t result in either a divorce or a fairy-tale wedding. In fact, most will eventually remember why they ended their relationship in the first place. “Most of the time,” says David Greenfield, Ph.D., a psychologist in Connecticut, “if we were meant to be in each other’s lives, we would be. In most cases, these relationships are over for a good reason.”
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Thank you for this.
Its hard to hear but good to hear. Even more so because I now have found out about another ex that she has had contact with. She is mad and hurt that I keep looking at the past. And keep looking for her faults.
Me and my wife spoke today about how my lack of trust hurts her. I had only this to say.
It was her choices that put me here. When she gets that. She will get better.
I’m starting to realize that my being obsessed with looking at her past is just driving me nuts. Not her. She knows what she did. And she was fine with it for the most part. She doesn’t want to bring up old things. So my digging is only causing myself pain. So I need to work on myself. And get better for me. Thanks for the help and hope that she comes around.
Michael, Does your wife realize that her actions have caused you to be cautious and mistrusting? It’s normal for the betraying spouse to want to be defensive and “move on.” On one hand, you need to know so that you can get closure, but on the other it’s not good to continually dig up the past.
My husband is ready to divorce me because I communicated with a guy I dated in High School on Facebook. We emailed each other on and off for about 2 weeks. I never had any intention of getting together with this guy. As chance would have it, the day I had intended to tell my husband because I had felt guilty, the guy’s wife hysterically calls him at work making all sorts of accusations. I called the guy twice and we chatted about what each of us had been up to over the last 40 years. That’s it! Yeah, I’m guilty for not telling my husband right away and I lied to him about a phone number on the bill but I never slept with this guy even though my husband thinks I did. I’m not so sure if he’ll ever forgive me or is willing to save our 11 1/2 year marriage.
Darla, It sure sounds as though you had an innocent conversation for the most part, but the fact that you withheld information and lied to him has created mistrust for your husband. I can’t help but thing that given some time, and you doing what you can to make things up to him will allow your husband to come to the point where he believes you and trusts you again.
If you were not doing anything inappropriate and had nothing to hide, you wouldn’t have lied about the phone number. You wouldn’t have withheld information from your husband.
Darla,
My husband did almost the exact same thing. It was about 2 weeks as well and ironically it happenned in the same timeframe. He is just really hurt. I am there too. We have went through counseling and I continue to go through counseling. Hang in there.
Wow. Thank you for this post today…’a continuation of love interrupted’…I had never thought of it that way. This is exceedingly significant to my situation and may really help with my finding the forgiveness, or at least understanding, to save our marriage!!! Thank you!! Thank you!!
Thanks for the feedback. We have gone to a counselor 3 times now and hopefully, things are on the mend. I know it will be a long time before things will get back to being somewhat “normal” but at least he seems willing to try. I guess it’s still too soon for him to tell me he loves me even when I tell him. He wants me to do a lot of soul-searching and give him a reason why I did this to him. I told him it was mostly out of curiosity but I truly believe the real reason was that I felt neglected, invisible, unappreciated and worthless and the fact we stopped interacting with each other. There is definitely a communication problem on my part, I won’t deny that, but when we did communicate, I had to pull information out of him or he would give me one or two word answers.
Darla, Trying is the first step. I would suggest instead of telling him that you did it our of curiosity, that you be transparent and tell him your true feelings. Otherwise, he has no basis to change. For some reason, I believe that I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know! — Doug
This is very interesting. Albeit not what I am currently worrying about. However, it does remind me of a post I read awhile ago – http://thekingdomofmatt.com/2010/02/guest-post-facebook-friends/
Thanks Mary. Yes, I’m sure that is a scenario that is played out daily on Facebook and other internet sites. You know that when scientist are studying it and it’s a “trend” that has it’s own name, it is a major issue.
Admin,
Yeah and it all seems so innocent. Or at least like it should be innocent. It is funny how all this technology that has “helped” us remain in contact with those we once knew does not seem to really be helping at all. It is unfortunate.
After a lot of soul-searching, I believe I know the real reason I even considered communicating with the guy to begin with. We had distance between us anyway and after going to the counselor and finding out (for the first time) that my husband had a great deal of resentment for other things in our marriage which contributed to this distance. I began to feel very lonely, emotionally neglected and unloved. I will admit, I do have a problem with communication, but I don’t feel it would have done any good even if I had talked to him about how I felt since he had all of these resentments. When we did communicate, I felt I had to pull information out of him on day-to-day stuff. I do feel so much regret for lying to him but I was backed in a corner becaue I had been caught and I knew I had hurt him tremendously and didn’t want to hurt him even further. Yeah, I know honesty is the best policy and hindsight is always 20/20. I just hope we can work through this and build a better, stronger marriage.
Darla:
So when you feel lonely, invisible and negelected – how do you not get sucked into an emotional affair? I feel like I have been set up and there is this big sign painted on my forehead that says, EASY TARGET. I hate feeling so vulnerable and I hate that he has put me in this position (H). I am trying to get out of an emotional affair but it hurts like hell.
On another note, am I in denial that I don’t feel I had an emotional affair because I wasn’t sharing things with this guy that I should have been sharing with my husband or the fact that we never talked about ways to see each other or feelings other than friendship? We only talked about our families and where our lives had taken us since we had gotten out of school.
Darla, For what it’s worth, I don’t feel that you had an emotional affair based on what you have described. However, your husband apparently does, or is at least extremely upset and perhaps jealous about your contacting him. As you mentioned, in hindsight, you probably should have been honest from the get-go. That being said, I know that you realize that you must work on your communication and rebuild the lost trust in your marriage.
Looking at this post again, the term rekindling reminded me of a article that was in one of my wife magazines. The term “Bird dogging” refers to a man that hits on, flirts or has an affair, with a married woman. I don’t remember the entire article only that my wife didn’t like that I likened the OM to this.
There was something about how there is less chance for the woman to get too attached. And he could still get what he wanted. Just thought I’d see if you guys ever heard of this. Don’t know if it works the other way with woman. Are there women out there that are attracted to married men for the same reason.
Michael, I’ve never heard of the term “bird dogging” used in that context. I’m sure there are women who are looking for a this type of “fling” in the same manner, but would be interested in comments from any who are.
I recently discovered that my husband, who I have been married to for over 16 years and with for over 20 had been in contact with his high school sweetheart. They were forced apart over 33 years ago at the age of 17 when his family moved to another state. He had spoken to me about her but I never got the impression that she was still in his heart. When I found out what was going on I was devastated. In the emails I read between them, it was obvious that they still have feelings for each other. I asked him to stop all contact with her and even wrote her an email asking her to do the same. They both agreed but in her last email to me she said that even though they had talked about things I would have thought were “inappropriate” that neither of them lost sight of the fact that they have “obligations and responsibilities to the loved ones in their respcetive homes.” Then she wrote him one last email saying that she was “disappointed” in their “circumstances” because he is here and she is there (she lives 10 hours from us) and “all that goes along with that.” (She is also married)She also said that “maybe fate will bring us together again someday.” I say that if she wrote these sort of things, that it means that he told her things that gave her very good reason to believe that he still has feelings for her but he denies ever saying anything like that to her. He says they just talked about what they have been doing since they last saw eachother and about old times but not about any “feelings.” Am I a fool if I believe him? I think he’s lying. I don’t want to wonder for the rest of my life if he really loves me and wants to be with me or if he never got over her and will never be able to get over what they had and give his whole heart to me. I am very confused and just don’t know what to do. He says he wants only me and loves only me but he has lied to me so much since this all began and I just don’t know what to believe or what to do next.
Hi,
Saw this and thought I would request advice. Many years ago I was engaged to a girl whom I loved very much. She was a virgin and wanted to remain one until we were married. I respected this decision, but was 20 and had the hormones raging. I became involved with a lady ten years my senior and ended up sleeping with her. She had three kids by a first marriage. First thing I knew she informed me she was pregnant. I did what most people in my locale and upbringing did and broke up with my fiancie and married her. Then was informed she ws not pregnant after all !. I stayed with her all these years. I now know it was because I came from a broken home where my mother left me at 18 months old and was raised by elderly grandparents. Father was an alcoholic, and brother and sister raised all seperatly. I felt I had no one to turn to and no where to go. I raised her children and about five years ago the oldest one died. My wife whom I only live with in a almost coexistance only situation started changing. things went from bad to worse. Our sex life ended completly three years ago and she has become a couch potato and lost her job due to incompetence after nearly thirty years.
I don’t think there has been many days gone by in all these years that I have not wondered what happened to the girl I loved so much and never got over. I finally started hunting on the computer on ocassion for her and after several months located her parents. I called a number for her parents to ask them to please relay a message to her that I wanted to tell her I was sorry for what I had done all those years ago and ask her to please forgive me for my actions. I had lived my life as a lie and was sorry for any pain I might have caused back then and wanted to only wish her the best. Well when the phone was answered it was her! I reconized her voice right away and started crying so hard I could hardley speak for a few moments. Seems she had married and is now divorced and back home taking care of her father who is in his 80′s ( her mother died a month ago after my call). We talked and I did not tell her much about myself nor did she. I asked her to forgive me and told her I had never gotten over her. She was cool but not cold and distant but many years have gone by since we last spoke. She is not currently seeing anyone.
I later wrote her a letter and told her all about had happened and asked that she give it some thought about seeing me again. I asked her not to respond back for now. I have since disscused a divorce with my wife and she starts screaming about how she will be left alone in her old age, a major guilt trip. I am 57 and she is 68. She then starts threating to cause all kinds of trouble for me and take everything I own. I have about reached the end of my rope and do not know what to do. I know where I want to be or at least try to be and know it may not ever work out. I am tired of never having sex and I do mean never. I believe I am entitled to a little better life than I am now in. I have been to counsuling and been told they do not know what to tell me to stay or go. I have never been unfaithful and respect the 56 year old lady too much to ask her to even so much as meet me for coffee unless I am like her completly free. I think I am just scared of the unknown . Can you offer any advice ?
Jim, Obviously your situation is a very tricky one with no clear cut answer. I guess the bottom line is that if you are truly unhappy in your current marriage and have done all that you can do to make it better, then you have every right to consider divorce. Of course you need to consider all of the consequences of such an action to determine if it is the best thing for you to do. You should also go into this knowing that there is the very real chance that your old flame may not want to have anything to do with you, and that you too will end up alone. Good luck to you!
Could this not be like cheating spouses who rewrite the history of their marriage to justify their actions? It seems to me that marriage vows are to be kept. Saying that you have always been faithful does not make it ok to be unfaithful now, which you have been by contacting your former girlfriend in secret. That’s how it starts.
In my opinion, you need to try everything possible to work it out with your spouse. Have you gone to counseling? Have you tried to make it work? Have you taken her to counseling for the death of her child? That trauma must have a lot to do with her current outlook. Like Doug said, have you done ALL you can do to make it better? You may have, but it sounds like you are looking for a way out so you can make your fantasy come true. Of course, my opinion is colored by the fact that my husband had an affair with his first love. In his case, he came to realize that it was a mistake. She was not the person he dreamed of and their relationship did not work out. That does not help me much. My life is in ruins because of attitudes like yours. And we have had sex almost nightly for 28 years. We had a good marriage. Even he admits that. He just had to go after that dream. And now he is trying his best to make it up to me, but my dream is dead.
Yuki,
Thank you for your unbiased comments and helpfullness. I bet you would have stayed with your husband if he had been beating you, wouldn’t have called the Police and left him. Bet you would have stayed and said I LOVE him. Abuse and deception come in many forms and I think sometimes divorce is the best answer. Sometimes our dreams are all we have left, even though they do not ever come true.
You obviously have done little reading on this site, or any others concernng affairs. I hope you get everything you deserve.
Yuki,
I mean this when I say I hope things work out for you.
One thing that I read, perhaps into the article above, is that the main supporter of this ‘I can go back to my high school love syndrome’ has done so herself. I feel that this is just a way to garner support for her choice since it it not a popular one. Most rekindles do not succeed. Most are based on lies or fantasy, and the good feelings and thrill of having the chance to ‘start over’ in high school again. Like we can. It hurts like a hot knife when you find out that your spouse often of many years doesn’t love you and probably never has. I honestly question if these emotional affair junkies have a cue about what love really is. I don’t think my husband who had a long term emotional affair with his high school girl friend has a cue what real love is.
We cannot go back. The one thing I have learned from his mistake is all those times he dreamed and wanted that one special person from his past was his needing to cover some fear in the present. “If I can just go find_____ if I had the chance to tell _____how I still loved them..etc.” The truth of the matter is it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. You both made a choice… grow up! And leave them alone, leave the past alone. All you will succeed in doing is messing up everyone’s future.
And Jim.. no one held a gun to your head when you had sex with the woman who became your wife all those years ago. You made a choice, you cheated on your fiance, and you paid the price. Don’t expect your old fiance to cover you butt for what you did! Man up!
Thank you, Jann, for your comment. You’re absolutely right.
The researcher that is quoted from in the article did not have an affair with an old flame – her husband did. In an effort to learn more about it, since she was already a researcher, she did a series of studies on the subject. Her findings are interesting. I looked her up online and found out all about her.
Where to begin here?
33 years ago, my LL and I parted ways to head to different colleges, with different life goals and different perspectives on commitment that 2 teenagers who were so in love just could not reconcile. Until then, we had been each other’s first everything. But our paths were not meant to be shared then and we knew it.
On a day that recognized major life change for me, an e mail coincidentally arrived from him. The first contact in 33 years–though we learned we had each searched for the other over the years.
We KNEW so soon that we had to be together. I mean, within 3 weeks of our initial contact–we renewed our commitment and knew we would do what it took to marry and have the next 50 years together.
Our 1st meeting was a month and a half after the 1st contact. It was like coming home–so familiar, so comfortable, so riveting meshing the old and the new. A handful of meetings followed which just deepened the commitment and set his course to relocate to my home state.
He arrived a few months later and we married right away.
We wake up so very glad to have this chance every day. Our lives meshed SO easily–he said from the start that we are each other’s other half. Time had resolved the issues that seemed so insurmountable back then. People who know me and work with me now ask what has happened, because I look so happy. 30 pounds melted off and I got my sparkle back. I could not ask for more.
Was it challenging? Yes–divorce for me, moving for him. Lots of tears, angst, talk, help from good friends and professionals. At the end of the day, the take away is that this came at us like a freight train and we knew deep in our hearts that we would move with the (incredibly rapid) timetable our hearts had set and that it was very important to fulfill the whole commitment right away…to set it right.
All I can say is that WE KNEW–right away–and got on board and surrendered to the ride. That’s how it worked for us. Are we happy? Deeply so–it is the most satisfying thing I ever did. I would do it all again, in a heartbeat.
I hope this helps some who are just beginning the journey. It can work, it can last. It did for us. I have my journal from back then, where I wrote about my dreams of marrying this boy, who grew into the man who is now my husband.
chaos, i am just curious how long have you been married, and how are your families and ex spouses doing? — Linda
Linda,
I’m curious why someone who says they are so happy has apparently been searching the web regarding affairs. It seems to me they would want to spend their time with their incredible spouse instead of delving into other peoples agony.
blueskyabove, I wondered the same thing, I know two years ago the thought of searching for information about affairs never entered my mind. Unfortunately it has become a way of life. Linda
For some people, breaking vows and causing agony to those around them mean nothing.
Long marriage, mostly happy, one child, out of the house now, feels like not much in common anymore (and has for 4+ yrs), found HSS online a year ago. She’s married too, also one child, and also not happy in marriage sitch now and for some yrs. Didn’t take long to feel those love feelings of HS. We each brought something to the other that was probably missing at home. That “little flame” in each of us, for the other, from so long ago, has now rekindled and it is very hard to resist. With no guarantee of the outcome of that, and so much to lose in our current situations, it is agony to go thru this. If we don’t get together, won’t I always wonder? Couldn’t that easily turn into resentment for my spouse? What if that doesn’t work out? Are there any winning outcomes here? It feels like such a gamble. One I am willing to take, but the road is gonna be very tough. Still incredibly conflicted.
40YrsL8R.
First of all in answer to your question: Are there any winning outcomes here? the answer is: NO. Everyone loses in an affair! I repeat, EVERYONE (spouses, affair partners, children, siblings, your parents, her parents, your in-laws, her in-laws–everyone) loses in an affair!
In answer to your question: Couldn’t that easily turn into resentment for my spouse? the answer is: Only if YOU allow it to. You are in control of whether or not that happens. You choose your thoughts so if you start resenting your spouse then you make it happen just like you are letting your thoughts convince you that the “flame” has been rekindled. Apparently the “flame” wasn’t as strong as you’re trying to convince yourself it was.
In answer to your question: Won’t I always wonder? the answer is: Only if you allow yourself to wonder. You might try allowing yourself to see it for what it really is. Again, the “flame” wasn’t as strong as you’re trying to convince yourself it was.
You have already decided that you’re willing to gamble on this. Does your wife have NO say in what you are planning to do with HER life? Your child? Don’t kid yourself into thinking just because your child is older that he/she won’t be affected by your decision to have an affair. The age of the child doesn’t matter…they are always affected. How come you get to make all those decisions for everyone? Why do you get to “gamble” with everyone else’s life?
Your username suggests it’s been 40 years. Don’t you think it’s time you stopped thinking and acting like a teen-ager? You aren’t a teen-ager with no responsibilities anymore. You have a wife and child. Take responsibility for your actions. Take responsibility for your thoughts. A lack of self-discipline will lead to a lack of self-respect. Is that what you want? Is that who you are? Every act is an act of self-definition. Only you can define you. Good luck.
You ask: If we don`t get together, won`t I always wonder…… Well are you constantly wondering about all the infatuations you had before your wife, that did not turn in to something??? Of course not. So the answer is….. NO.
And why would you feel resentment for your wife? What have she done here? It is YOU who chooses to resent your wife, if you do, based on YOUR wish to resent her because you cannot have this woman without consequenses. Do you think life is unfair when you can`t have what you want because you have done some commitments before?Do you even hear how immature and stupid that sounds?
Blueskyabove……….EXCELLENT post. I think I posted something to this blog, but I was pretty angry so maybe it didn’t make it in……but Blueskyabove, you said everything I wanted to say.
Chaos…..how long were you married and how long was the affair? How long have you been together with the OP? Might be love or infatution hasn’t rubbed off!!
Blue Sky—it is just not that simple. There is the marriage, (usually following very close chronologically to the first love that is so suddenly gone.) We marry the person we know can NEVER break our hearts….but then,years later, there is the renewed connection we cannot endure one more day without. A day comes….an hour comes…where that could be yours again AND YOU KNOW you will never feel the same for that spouse as long as you live.
This changes you that much.
If you choose to stay–with that spouse, or lover, what will they have from you? I would not want a “love” less than 100 percent, but that’s all I would have to offer. Do you respect the marriage and ‘fess up that you cannot love them the way you need? Or do you slant the truth and message that all is well?
Because, in this kind of renewed love, it isn’t and never will be as it was before the first love returned. You can choose to have your physical self stay true and committed, but you cannot will your heart to do so.
No, it’s not that simple, this is a complicated issue once you are in contact with a Lost Love, and even if you aren’t.
leave it be
Mark,
Why did you marry your BS if you knew you were in love with another woman?
This is an interesting thread and very topical for me right now. My wife and I of 30 years, live a thousand miles apart. I moved for promotion and she refused to follow. This has been my life for the last 2 years. 2 weeks ago I ran into my LL. we parted as teenagers due to geography.
All the things that everyone has said here about LL is true. the feelings are real and very intense.
She is recently single and I am intensly lonely. The temptation is almost too great to resist! we phone and email but I am not visiting my LL.
I am trying to reconcile my marriage in my mind but the seperation is killing it. I am a faithful and loyal husband but find myself in one hell of a pickle.
Just thought that I would share and will happily accept guidance to resolve this
Just wanted to share with you, as the one who was cheated on….once you cross that line with your LL you can never go back. Fix whatever is wrong in your marriage. Look to your spouse for what you need. Cheating is never worth it. The pain you will cause not only your wife but yourself, for becoming a dishonest person, will never be taken back once you become the unfaithful spouse. Affairs are all about meeting your own needs. You made a vow to your wife. Honor it and stop all contact with the other woman. How would you feel if you found out your wife was cheating on you right at this very moment?
Thought i posted here. universe is playing up again
Where to begin….It’s now been over 2 years since I accidentially discovered my husband’s affair of 18 months with his first love. He and I are still married….but I’m not sure if I’m staying for the right reasons. This is the hardest thing I have done in my entire life. I’m a 53 years old and don’t want to give up all I’ve worked for (material things) and live alone in some dumpy apartment. The thought of dating makes me uneasy. I do love my husband but I’m just not sure that I can ever feel as tho I’m the woman that he has always loved. I absolutely NEED that.
They were young (her 17 and him 20) and dated for 2 years. She broke it off when she left for college. During their relationship she got pregnant and aborted their baby. It was a mutual decision because of their age. From what I heard from his family and friends, he was absolutely devestated that she had broken up with him. He and I met a few years later, dated for two years and decided to get married. We have two grown, beautiful daughters that don’t live at home. We both have full time jobs.
My husband tells me that she sent him a message on classmates.com in March 2008. March 4th they both created secret email accounts (hers was blzgrl**@*****.com….my husbands name is Bill) his email was his initials and year he was born. He tells me that the first phone call was in late March (I saw that on the phone bill, so he can’t dispute that). I’m guessing that it must have started before March due to the fact that the email accounts were made in the BEGINNING of March…….More lies as far as I’m concerned but he says that since it’s been so long he simply can’t remember now.
They were able to spend time together without my suspecting because my husband would take our dog on a walk usually on Saturday or Sunday (sometimes both days….I can’t remember) in a local forest preserve. He also has days off work when the weather is bad (he works construction). They would meet in the nature preserve and have sex in the backseat of her car while our dog was locked up in my car. He confessed to the sex happening about 8 times…..Hummm….a year and a half affair and sex only 8 times?
I’m sure all affairs are hard, if not impossible under certain circumstances to get over. With all I know of their past relationship and the fact that he ran back to her within such a short time of her first contact with him, I have doubts that I’m actually the woman that he has always wanted to be with. I feel that I was second choice to her. So many lies, so much I still don’t know about their affair. Even though I have asked for reasons, details, etc. he has never told me much or simply says he can’t remember. He says it was all bad and that it was the biggest mistake he has ever made. He says he is with me because I’m the love of his life, not her. My biggest fear is that SHE ended it and he was still keeping the phone in case she called him. He told me that the affair was ending when I found out. It WAS ending???? If he says I’m the love of his life why would it have taken a year and a half to realize that. He wanted to be with her and went to great lengths to do so.
He ended his affair with her AFTER he accidentially called me from his “secret cell phone” (thru the bluetooth on our car) that he bought to call and text her. Gotta LOVE technology!!
Their affair began in March of 2008. At least that is what my husband told me. In July, 2008 I was checking the cell phone bill and saw a number that I didn’t recognize. Calls and texts. Many calls to that number (her number) lasting an hour or more. All calls were during the day and before I got home from work. Texts were at all times of the day and night and weekends. I called the number from our home phone and a woman answered saying…..”Well HELLOOOOOO there”…..so he was also calling her from our home phone…..I hung up and I KNEW who it was. I guess that I never imagined that my husband of 27 years would NEVER have an affair. I confronted my husband and he said “Oh, we are just friends and it’s just talk”. I insisted it stop and he said OK. I HONESTLY believed him. He did stop calling her from our house phone and his cell phone BUT went out and bought a pay as you go phone so he could continue his affair…..because I would have to gather that as far as he and she were concerned, it wasnt over.
14 months later, in late September, 2010, the day that he accidentially called me from his “affair” phone, and I asked what phone are you calling me from? He said it must be cell phone tower crossed or some other mistake. I KNEW he was lying and kept after him for the truth. He told me I was crazy. It took him SIX LONG weeks to come forward with the truth….well part of the truth….he told me that it happened a LONG time ago and it had been over since then. I packed my bags, left not having anywhere to go. I sat in my car with all my belongings in suitcases and garbage bags. He kept calling and I just kept saying “tell me the truth, Bill” and I would hang up. He called again and said he would tell me the truth only if I would come home and promise not to leave him. I went home and he confessed his affair to me. Looking back, I dont know how I survived those moments, days and even months after that night. I do remember I cryed every day for at least 6 months.
My husband has been doing “all the right things”. I know all his passwords, have access to his phone. He has a GPS map on his phone that he turns on when I ask him to. He keeps me informed as to where he is at all times. He is more attentive to me. He holds my hand when we go out and opens my car door for me as well. After being married so long we have let so many of these things go. I realize that in order to get over the affair and go forward with our marriage, I have to stop thinking about their affair.
What if it isnt an “ex” – but a best friend, an amazing bond, from many years ago, and because of foolish youth – life happens – and the romance never actually took off? Fast forward 15 years, and bump into them at the grocery store. And that bond is there, but one is divorced, and the other unhappily married. And the relationship picks up as if not a day was lost. But it picks up in secret. Never getting physical, but endless emails, phone calls, even eventually, the children playing together, and the meeting of the spouse. Lunches. Pouring out the hearts, and deepest secrets with a trust and loyalty that is uncanny, just like in the past. A fierce connection. A horrid situation. The two of them together have always been a force to be reckoned with, and lines are drawn, as always, to all outside their little bubble not to interfere or ask questions. Including the significant others. It endures. No matter what. Emotional affair? A rare bond? Just friends? The fantasy of what if? Leaving isnt an option. Being together is not an option. Not now. The years tick. The bond grows, and stays strong. The love of the other is so intense, they wont dare upset the apple cart for the other.
I’ve always been in love with my very best friend, and once again, ‘the right time’ hasn’t caught up to us.
If I knew my wife described herself as “unhappily married,” I would find out why and try to remedy that feeling. If it couldn’t be remedied I would ask her to move on with her life. It would be a hard decision but the right one. Children will adapt, as will routines and finances. Hundreds divorce daily and simply create a new life for themselves.
But to sneak around behind your husband’s back because “leaving isn’t an option”? Even if he completely deserved it, that behavior is incredibly selfish and cowardly.
You apparently left some things out of your description of this damaging relationship. Not only does this unhappy wife and divorced best friend share a “rare bond”, but they also share the fact that they are both incredibly immature and willing to do things that they know are harmful to other people, including children! I feel so sorry for the husband of the unhappy wife, but even more sorry for the children of each of these flawed individuals. One can only hope that the other parent of the respective children is able to instill in them the many positive character traits that the other parent does not possess. And for those of us repulsed by Loving’s post, let’s simply hope that the following saying is true: “Karma’s a bitch!”.
I too attempted to reconnect with an ex. He and I couldn’t even have a decent conversation/communicate at all because after about 3 weeks my blinders came off. He is not the same quiet and lovable guy I remember. He is overbearing, controlling, and most of all disrespectful towards women. After communicating for just 3 weeks he wanted to know where I was going, tried to tell me where I could/couldnt go, and asked me to put him on my benefits package at work. Hell no and definately not! I told him to stop calling because this person I dont know nor like is not welcomed back into my life. I will have to suffice with just the memories because the man is not who or what I need in my life at this point. Darn that ole Facebook!!!!!!! It was where we connected!