emotional adulteryLast week we had the unique opportunity to interview Gary and Mona Shriver who are the authors of the book “Unfaithful:  Hope and Healing After Infidelity.”

Their book contains so much information on how to heal from infidelity.  The book is so special because it discusses their own struggle with healing from infidelity within their marriage.

One quote I found especially powerful was from the introduction of the book. “Affair.  What a fluffy word.  It sounds so cheery and acceptable.  Let’s call it what it really is.  Adultery!  Black hearted, not caring about anyone else, completely self-centered, the absolute epitome of selfishness.” I believe this quote sums up exactly what infidelity is and also how damaging the results can be.

In many of our Affair Recovery Group sessions we have discussed the trauma that is produced because of infidelity and  I believe it is very important to use the word trauma because it accurately defines what is happening to a person when they find out their spouse has betrayed them.

The cheater may attempt to minimize their actions by saying, “We only talked.  “We were just friends.”  “There was nothing physical.”  “I didn’t love the other person.”  “It only lasted a couple weeks.” The justifications could go on and on.

However, what the cheater needs to realize it that their lies, the intimacy that they stole from their marriages and the conscience effort they made to bring another person into their lives has produced trauma.  It is real. It is extremely painful and they are the only person who can make it go away.

The person who is experiencing this trauma feels the pain both physically and emotionally.  They know that they are in pain but cannot really explain what is truly causing it or what can make it better.  In my case the pain was intolerable. I wondered each day how much more I could endure.  I thought I knew what was causing my pain – obviously the affair – but everything was so jumbled in my mind that I couldn’t think clearly and articulate what would help me.

I now look back and understand that most of my pain was a result of my lack of security and safety that was ripped away from me as a result of Doug’s emotional adultery.  I had lost trust in myself and in everything else around me and in order to heal I needed Doug to make me feel safe again.

I had to make it clear to Doug that in order for us to heal and restore our marriage he would have to begin to restore my trust in him by showing me through both actions and words that he was worthy of my trust. Without his effort I would not have felt safe in our relationship, and until one feels safe they cannot fully give themselves to that person.

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    32 replies to "The Trauma After Emotional Adultery"

    • roller coaster rider

      Again, well said, Linda. I totally agree that this infidelity causes you to feel like nothing is safe and secure and you just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I read on another blog that you are a teacher. I cannot imagine how you managed to continue teaching while you were going through this. I am going to share this post with my H in the hopes that he’ll see what I’m up against, just six weeks after D day.

    • Kathy

      Linda,

      This is my favorite blog entry to date. You put into words exactly how I feel and what I’m going through, and what I wish I could explain to my H. I would also like to share this with him, but I’m afraid it would just make him angry.

      Right after d-day, on the evening I had to call the police, he was adamant that he “wasn’t cheating” and “wasn’t having an “affair”” (this because I was explaining to the 911 operator why I was calling…he was close to getting violent and I was afraid).

      Yet, I heard the voice mail from the OW saying “I love you” to him. I saw the texts where they met in the dollar store parking lot. And of course the most telling, he was preparing to leave me, even had me call a divorce lawyer (which he quickly called off when he found out how expensive it would be)! And yet…he wasn’t cheating, wasn’t having an affair.

      I totally agree that “affair” is far to fluffy a word. Cold, calculated, black-hearted, self-serving adultery is exactly what it is. And we, the BS’s are left to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts while our CS’s want us to just “get over it and move on”.

      Maybe Doug can give me some perspective on this, because I just don’t understand why it’s fair that my H is the one who wronged me, but I’m the one doing all the work to put things to rights. He gets the benefit of me taking care of myself, putting on make-up almost every day, taking care not to say things to p*ss him off. I quit smoking because he hated it (even though I didn’t really want to quit). What has he done?

      Well, big kudos to him, he stopped doing something he should never have been doing in the first place! My my, doesn’t he deserve the friggin blue ribbon!

      But wait….he didn’t really stop! No, he kept on talking to her, kept on sexting with her. Despite everything I was doing to save our marriage, he didn’t (couldn’t?) let go!

      In the last couple of weeks I’ve watched his phone, email, google voice etc. like a hawk. I haven’t seen any more evidence of cheating. But that’s not to say he hasn’t taken it further underground. I just don’t know. And since he doesn’t want to talk about it, I won’t know unless I stumble across it like all the other times.

      I want to tell him he is killing any love I’ve had for him. I do love him still, but it doesn’t feel the same…I can’t explain it.

      Thanks for letting me vent. Again, awesome blog today!

      • Doug

        Kathy, To answer your question…It isn’t fair that you are doing all the work. I was non-responsive at first as well. Some of it was because of misguided resentment toward Linda and some of it was due to disbelief that things were really going to change in our relationship. Your husband my also be getting some conflicting advice and information from the OW (or at least he did in the past). Once I got my head out of my ass and we were reconnecting, I started to show Linda I was back with not only my words, but my actions as well. That being said, my affair and all contact had ended. If he is still in contact, this sort of apathy will continue, no doubt. Keep in mind too though, that working on yourself is for your benefit — not his. I think at some point though you need to stop walking and talking on eggshells and putting up with the bullshit and let him know that things have got to change — you know, tough love.

        • Kathy

          Doug,
          Thank you for your answers and input. It means a lot to hear it from a guy who has been where my H has been.

          I want to ask you about the no contact thing. My H and the OW work for the same company, although in different parts of the building. Occasionally (I’m not sure how often) they may be required to interact on a professional level, but it isn’t often as far as I know (they are in entirely different departments). While I have told him he needs to cut off all contact with her, and to ask his boss to have someone else handle her requests if or when they come up, he said that may not always be possible.

          He tells me he has cut all non-business communication with her, and I have seen with my own eyes where he has blocked her on some of his email sites and on his cellphone. My question is, is this a workable situation, where he may have limited, business only, contact with her? I would certainly prefer they have no contact at all, but the only way that could happen is if she leaves the company, or he does. I would rather he didn’t have to change jobs, as this is a good job and we live in a small town where good jobs are few and far between.

          As for working on myself being FOR myself, I know this in my head, it just hasn’t made it to my heart yet. I’m trying! 🙂

          Lastly, I hate the walking on eggshells stuff. I really do, and I know I’m just going to have to toughen up and say what needs to be said (carefully, neutrally). There are some circumstances with his health (his heart in particular) that make me not want to upset him right now, though, so I’m sort of between a rock and a hard place.

          Thank you again!

          • Doug

            Hi Kathy, Sounds like you have a couple of tough situations there. In my opinion, and there are many experts that would concur, that total non-contact is a must. However, I also realize that there are situations, especially in this economy, that this might be difficult to accomplish at best. I think what has to happen at the very least in your case is that there needs to be clearly defined boundaries that you establish with your husband, and he needs to adhere to them. Obviously a certain level of trust on your part will be required, and a high level of honesty and transparency on your husband’s.

            Linda is mentoring a person now who is in a similar situation, and her husband did go to his supervisor to explain the situation and asked that it be arranged for there to be no contact. For example, if there was a meeting that they were both going to be present at, he was allowed to conference in from a home phone. Perhaps something like that would work in your husband’s situation as well.

            I understand that his heart condition could prevent you from rocking the boat too much, but perhaps you can find a softer approach that might get your point across. As you said…carefully and neutrally…but firmly as well. Good luck!

            • Kathy

              Thanks Doug. I really appreciate and value your input. 🙂

      • fiora

        Kathy,
        You hit the nail on the head. For me, it’s that sense that, no matter how vigilant I might be or how much he gives access to the online and phone resources I KNOW about, the exact way he was lying to me before was to use his extensive knowledge and time (I work full time…he doesn’t have a job) to a) get to know his OW (and actually more than one was a close “friend”), and b) figure out secret ways to hide it from me. Everything from secret email accounts that he deliberately told others to use and never call our home or post on his fb page, to having his phone “accidentally” turned off when he didn’t want to be found, to figuring out ways to use gmail to chat/text that I can’t see on the phone records. So…what do I do? Set up spy software on his computer? On his phone? These things exist, but what happens if I do that and he finds out?

        Wish I could get past this…wish it never happened.

    • Empty and Numb

      Linda,

      It is really life threatening trauma. What specific words and actions were you looking for?

    • suziesuffers

      Amazing blog Linda!! My husband and I just had a huge fight last night regarding a discussion about the OW….it’s been 2 years but during that time he was still trying to hook up with someone on facebook, craigslist, AA woman…so it was a roller coaster ride for quite awhile until about 3 months ago…when things have “calmed” for now….but always waiting for the next shoe to drop….hawk eyes open and waiting. This is no way to live a life. I feel as you do Kathy. I am doing all the work, suggesting counseling, reading about healing, asking him to participate SOMEHOW other than just the words of reassurance. He through the “you just love to be in misery and a victim” and that’s why you can’t let go of this!! This is all because I needed some reassurance, which seems to be often. He had told me all the WONDERFUL attributes of this woman, and I still revisit those and check with him to see how I compare…It can be any kind of trigger that makes me go down this road. But maybe it’s what you’re saying Linda/Doug…that until he takes enough action to make me feel safe…not give me access to an email account after I demand (which of course he could have another secret one…another cell phone…etc. so it really doesn’t prove anything ect. makes him aware that I’m looking so he’s not stupid enough to do something on that account ) or admit to a lie once I’ve caught him……….but truly be transparent and honest without my prompting, healing will not begin for me. Linda….I think that word “safety” is exactly what I’m lacking…..I need my heart to feel safe before I venture into the shark infested waters…and he holds the key to that safety in this relationship.

      Kathy, I know the feeling of walking on eggshells….afraid to verbalize how I feel because it makes him mad…and making him mad might make him feel being with someone else would be better….after all the OW didn’t make him feel anything but wonderful. Can I make him feel WONDERFUL all the time? Funny, I don’t think he thinks about making me feel wonderful…it’s more like passifying me with his “I love you’ to shut me up.

      I can see why men would leave after cheating on their wife. In their mind, the relationship they had was fun, exciting and a new adventure in discovering the other person…little real work involved and floating on cloud nine must be fabulous……vs. the guilt and shame of hurting another person and then working for YEARS trying to repair something that may not be repairable…..just with the hope things might work out…and the marriage I’m sure already had lots of negative points before the affair…so that just compiles on the list of things that need to be WORKED on….there comes a time that he would think the return on his investment is risky and better to cut loose…and ride the adventure of life with someone new. Of course, funny thing is I’m doing most of the WORK!!….he’s just getting nagged about how much I’m doing and he’s not….

      • Kathy

        suzie,
        I have the same concern: he didn’t give me access to his emails until I demanded it, after finding out the EA had not ended when he said it had. What’s to stop him from making other accounts I know nothing about? That’s the whole trust thing! He lied to me, and he was not forthcoming with ANY information at all about the whole thing until I found out quite by accident. So why would I suddenly trust him just because I now have access to “all” of his email accounts? Why can he not understand that’s part of the reason I need him to open up and talk to me about ALL of it, not just bits and pieces, or just the things I ask about.

        Also, (and for any CS’s reading this, please take it to heart!) “I don’t know” and “I don’t remember” are UNACCEPTABLE answers. Those two responses are two of the reasons I STILL don’t trust my H.

    • D

      Affair is not a fluffy word. It is a word that has put a knife through my heart. The word affair makes me want to scream out loud and cry at the same time. I wish that I had never heard the word, let alone lived it for the past 4 months.

      However, my husband and I are slowly reconnecting and on the mend. Our counselor released us and said that he feels that we are highly connected on so many levels (where did we go wrong?). We are trying our hardest to get past this, make changes, and it has been the hardest thing that I ever done in my life. He has shown me through his actions, both emotionally and physically, that he messed up and that he loves me. He has to live with this everyday just like I do. He has to sit through the glares and glances I give him (and the others who know) when we see this woman (which is ALOT) . He has to watch me painfully put on a smile for MY BOYS when this woman has the nerve to sit next to us in sporting events. He actually grabbed my hand at one sporting event when she was there and whispered in my ear that I was the “strongest woman that he had ever known and he loves me more than anything, always has and always will”. He then started picking up our stuff and moved us across the gym. My friends knew why and moved with us, much to the other woman’s surprise. She and her family were left sitting there alone. HA!
      He has to see the hurt that he caused me with each passing day. He hates it, yet he brought me here and he is accepting of the fact that he is the reason we are where we are. I know that he has to heal along with me. He tries not to get upset when I bring it up (which is rarely anymore, thank god) or think about it. I told him that I need to heal too and talking helps me do this. I told him that I understand that he feels ashamed and embarrassed about the situation. But it happened and he cannot take it back.

      I wish all of you comfort and support in this difficult time. This site is tremendous for showing that we are not alone in this painful journey. I am saddened that we are here because of infedelity in our lives too, no one deserves this. Take care.

      • Morrigan

        I hope in my heart, for all of us that stay to fight and endure, for the spouses we love, that means both wayward spouses and betrayed spouses, that we all come out of the other side of this the strongest individuals we can be, all of us.

        As my CS has indicated similarly as you state D, they hurt every day too. They do not trust themselves, and even hate themselves for they have done to hurt us and destroy so much in their lives. I tell myself everyday, the one thing I am teaching right now is forgiveness.

      • Kristine

        D, I think that was a great bold move on your husband’s part to move you at the sporting event. Some women are very bold very arrogant no scruples and have no boundaries no shame. That was a knight in shining armor move if you as me!

    • Lori

      D, you are very strong and your story, like many others on this blog, helps! I wish my relationship would have made it through and we could have been stronger together; but that’s not my story. He didn’t choose me, and well, I’m still sad and trying to find answers to make myself stronger. I have learned so much about myself and relationships and I hope to find real love one day. But in the meantime, I hurt, the pain is so intense, even though it’s faded through the months, it never goes away. I wanted my man to read these posts, to get help together, but we were too late. He would tell you that it wasn’t his EA that broke us up, but my lack of trust in him. I didn’t trust him and he didn’t try to instill trust in me – not at the level that I needed. I didn’t let him know my true pain until it was too late. I wish I found the resources in this site a long time ago. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe that being stronger and better is why this happened to me. Doug and Linda, keep up the good work – and kudos to you both for how you handle those who write in with their very limited POV (you know who I’m talking about). This world is filled with all kinds, and we need to welcome them to the blogosphere as well – for they are hurting too and crying out for help like the rest of us.
      Thanks for helping me!!

      • Doug

        Lori, I’m sorry to hear that things didn’t work out with you and your partner. I hope that you truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and if so, when you find Mr. Right, you can look back on this episode as proof of that. Thanks for the kind words, and I hope you find the happiness you are looking for and that you deserve.

      • Kathy

        Lori, I am so sorry. Trust is so difficult to restore. It’s sad that your H blames your lack of trust, when that probably would not have been an issue if he hadn’t had the EA in the first place. 🙁 Like Doug, I hope you find the happiness and love you deserve!

    • suziesuffers

      Lori, I am so sorry to hear of your pain. It’s hard to find the right words to comfort you. The reasons we can’t understand the why of cheating is because we are not cheaters. We have boundaries that we feel we can’t cross. Any program that deals with a character issue will tell you, that the person can make a geographical change etc. except when they get there the problem that they had is still with them. They can try to run away and blame someone else for the problem, but that just is another way for them to minimize their part and take responsibility for their actions. These poor souls will wander looking for what they loss, not knowing that what is really missing is within them. It’s NEVER our fault that someone had an affair. If trust is broken in ANY relationship for ANY reason, it is the person that broke that trust to take full responsibility for rebuilding. Some are too weak in their own character defects to see how they need to take responsibility for their actions. I am truly sorry that he was so weak in his own character he was too afraid to look within and heal those defects in order to support the love you so richly deserve. My prayers are with you to heal your wounds.

    • suziesuffers

      Kathy, you could be writing part of my story. It’s almost as if betrayal and recovery are a syndrome…the behavioral symptoms and reactions are almost identical!! My husband gives everything in bits and pieces as if I’m pulling teeth…and if I don’t ask it perfectly right, it’s a half answer. I remember asking if she had called him on his cell phone…then we had a discussion that the conversation was on a PAY PHONE!!! AH…deceit by omission is what I call it. It is not any less than a lie. And what is it about….”I don’t remember, really!!” “I don’t know”…..then if I give him a scenario of what I think I know from the bits and pieces, he agrees as if it happened that way and I think he believes if I’ve said it, it might be less painful than the truth so he goes with my version….unfortunately, when any part of the real truth comes out of course it doesn’t align to the “story”…………..AND that’s when the trust really breaks down……..when the stories don’t match!!! One of the biggest issues about the stories not matching might be in something Doug said. He talked about the before, during and after affair feelings. It’s as if he has one story before and during and then another after……..it’s as if history had changed, but somehow it seems because his feelings or fog or whatever had changed, he now “remembered” history differently….but was it he was reciting the fantasy he believed happened and then when reality set in, the truth actually came out. I think so many times I believe what my husband first said about the OW….when he was just ending it and in a fog…..about all her wonderful attributes was the truth…..and then as time passed and I got “another” truth…..maybe the current story is the REAL truth and the fantasy was the figment of his imagination.
      Only he knows………or maybe that’s the problem…he doesn’t.

    • There Are Moments

      Why do we try so hard to analyze, give excuse for any of the reasons?

    • Kathy

      suzie,
      In my H’s case, his stories were different and, strangely, both versions came out almost at the same time, because the OW has serious mental issues that he wasn’t willing to see right away. She only showed him her “nice face” most of the time, but there were hints all along the way that she wasn’t the nice, concerned, caring person he thought she was.

      When push finally came to shove and her true colors were apparent beyond even my H’s denial, he finally had to admit she was not everything he’d thought she was. In fact, she was quite the opposite and it really bothered him.

      • D

        I think that this is the case with my husband too. The OP was the nice person in his life. SHe was the person with no baggage (bills, kids, work, etc). How could she have anything to bitch at him about? All they talked about was nonsense, not real life.

        He sees now that she was not the caring person, concerned about our marriage at all. This was her intention from the beginning, or “in” with him, I should say. But when the conversation turned to her, her, her and then him and her, he tried to back out. But of course, he was in too deep. She is deeply troubled, I believe, with her own marraige and self- esteem. So she leaches on to married men and turns the situation into her advantage. She makes the men feel good and in turn, they give her the ego boost that she obviously is not getting from her life. As my counselor pointed out, when someone puts stock into our emotional banks, of course we respond positively. Nice comments, admiration, etc are then met with reciprocation from the other person. Who would not want to hear good things about themselves? However, this should only come from a spouse on a daily basis and not a person of the opposite sex. That is where my husband went wrong.

    • RecoveringMommy

      I apologize for being late on this post…

      I agree with D. “Affair’ is not a fluffy word! No, my H didn’t have sex with the OW. But yes, he did share intimate thoughts and conversations with her. Yes, he secretly met up with her after he got off work but before I did and hug, kiss, and caress her. Yes, he spent a lot of our time at home each evening texting and emailing her. There are countless nights I remember lying in bed with him and hearing his email alert go off on his cell phone, but I never suspected anything. This OW was also (or atleast I thought) a friend of mine. Our daughters were friends. We were all friends. We shared mutual friends. Yes, I knew they texted each other but I texted her too so I thought nothing of it. People will call it “friendship” or say it wasn’t technically an affair because there was no sex involved. I once read the word “affair’ described as a person sharing intimacy with someone besides their spouse. Sex or not, it is an affair! In the short time it took to read an email, my life was forever changed. My first reaction was to divorce him and take everything he had. Why not, I deserved it, right? Then I thought “what if I leave? They will stay together and she will be sleeping in my bed and raising my kids every other weekend!” My defenses went up. There was no way in hell she was going to take my life from me! So I decided to go home and work it out, which is what my H also wanted. D-day for me was 1 year and almost 2 months ago. The pain is not as unbearable as it was then, but it still hurts. When I really sit and think about all of it, I physically get sick. My heart feels like it’s going to jump out of my body because it’s beating so hard.

      And as someone posted earlier, it’s not only that we lost trust in our CS, we lost trust in ourselves. So many thoughts raced through my head, and some still do. Am I not good enough? Why didn’t I see this happening? Am I stupid? Was I really that bad of a wife? Of a mother? Did my H really stop loving me? What did I do wrong? Now, after being over a year removed from it, I realize that the EA is NOT my fault. It is HIS fault. He opened up our marriage to an outsider, not ME. Was our marriage perfect before the EA? Definitely not! Do we share blame for the pre-EA problems? Yes, I believe so.

      Since D-day, my H has done everything in his power to show and tell me how sorry he is, how badly he messed up, and how he knows this is HIS fault. I believe him. He is a good person that made a monumental mistake. He acknowledges that. He has worked everyday to make it up to me even though he knows it will never go away. However, despite all his done and is doing, there is still that nagging feeling…is it really over? Did they really end all contact? In my head, I know the answer is yes. But that “human” part of me is having trouble accepting that fact that I can never really know. It’s hard to stomach. But it is what it is. I’m working on accepting that.

      • ifeelsodumb

        I could have written this RM, I really could have!!!

    • Melanie

      This is day 4 of the horror for me… I found ‘love you, miss you’ texts on his phone 2 weeks ago when overseas on holidays, listened to the promises that it was all it was, there was no more, to come home and find extremely graphic, full on sex messages through his facebook account. I have 3 little kids, 6,4 & 2, and my life has been gutted. I can’t think, I can only hurt. It is beyond my reasoning and I am truly struggling. He is proclaiming remorse and change, but how can I believe him after giving him a 2nd chance only 2 weeks ago, to find out he immediately continued to lie. What a terrible, desperately sad, soul destroying situation I find myself in. Please help me.

      • ifeelsodumb

        Don’t know if you will see this Melanie…it’s months later…but I hope you are doing better! Please check in and let us know!

    • Jen

      I am the one at fault. I had the ‘affair’. Not full blown adultery (as in no sex) but definitely an affair. The problem was not just where I took my body, but where I took my heart. It was wrong, selfish and stupid. My husband has been extremely hurt but has given me another chance to be faithful. Would I do it again? NEVER!
      BUT…….although I have caused all this pain to my husband and to the other man’s wife (yes she was my friend) the ‘D-day’ as it’s called has been incredibly traumatic. Yes I deserved it, absolutely. But I too wondered how I would put one foot in front of the other, how I would function. The thought of never seeing the other man ever again made me physically sick, anxious, totally distraught etc. It would have been easier if he had have died or I had been hit by a bus…. Great you are saying, you got what you deserved. I know, but I made a mistake (the affair lasted a week) and I need to fully get back on board to love my husband again. It is very hard for all of us, not just the victim. It is nearly a year and it everyone is still hurting. Recovery takes a very very long time and no one is ever the same again. Better maybe, different, but NEVER the same.

    • ZZZ

      Doug,
      What to do? My CH after confrontation and no way to not admit became very violent. I have had body psrts bruised, broken, and have been over the top emotionally abused after the CH was confronted. It has been 14 months, taking a break in separate places for one month, and still when the. CH must drip by for needed things or to see daughter, I try to talk and the CH still gets real angry, violent talk and threatens if I want to keep talking. It was only 45 min today but the CH still said, ” if you don’t get out of my way, I will knock your head off.” Since daughter was close by I Sid,” What did you say?” he gritted his teeth and would not repeat but almost ripped off the door frame for the second time. Has very high IQ and a professional job that contributes to bad behavior in certain ways, like entertaining clients with trips to strip bars, and dirty comedians at business dinners.

      • Doug

        ZZZ, If it were me, I’d change the locks on the doors and get a restraining order, and if he comes near you again and threatens you then call the police. Your safety is of utmost importance. I’d then go and talk with an attorney to discuss your options. He obviously has some issues that he needs to address and until he gets some help with them, you need to be on guard.

    • ZZZ

      Doug . People have considered me Polly Anna. I have thought about a restraining order, but can I get one so he stays away from my 17 daughterbin LA too. Cause now she is of age here. But he has now used her as his little mistress through manipulation by allowing hervtobfonwhat ever shevwants with no consequences. RCMP: one day shevsyarted to throw a tantrum wit her client on the phone, so I help up a stop sign hand. She went nuts and assaulted me with a cell phone which left a large bruise for a month. In LA when u r a 17 ur old , that’s a felony. So, I took the phone away for 1 week. The next day my CH said,” You can’t do that , she needs it for school.” I said that they ate not allowed at school and more. He gave the phone back the next day. I had to choice but to take to to a very nice camouflaged PD and a kind PO explained that at her age that is a felony. Her eyes welled up in tears. hevsaid,” You look very upset.” after, I hugged hervand told her thatbI livebhetvso much thatvIbam willing to do anything to give her the truth. But, he keeps teaching fantasy which is destructive becausevitvlies about reality. How horrible is this situation!! I can’t even rescue my daughter. We separated for one month. When he needed to puck up stuff, I suggested talking about menial topics. He said ,” I am done talking now so I am going to go.” I asked if in meetings and normal conversation if Henares people end meetings in that way. They do not. Bit, he sailed,” if you don’t move away from the dour , I am going to knock your head off.” unsaid, ” do you cate governess that?” but, he suddenlynrealized that his daughter was finished with a shower in our shower and heard what hevsaid, sobthat made him angry and he gritted his teeth and crapper the dour. Daughter is sobtraumatized now. I have a therapist in Boston who received a Pres award for his wilord lj with atcrisk teens. We may exchange soeakervphonevgroupbcalls for plane tickets which I have points for. What do you think is needed for this stressed teen? Can I get a restraining order for him not to see her until she heals without jepardybto me from him and protectection for me that he will not find a way to punish me and make everyones lives worse? I have 6 kids 17-29 and three grand kids. All are so sick of the drama. I feel dames
      if I don’t and damed if I do. It feels
      like a loose loose. Help!!

      • Doug

        ZZZ, I”m not really sure about the legal stuff, so I would advise you to speak to your lawyer. I’m pretty sure that 17 is still considered a minor and you have a legal right to make decisions for your daughter. Sounds to me as though your daughter has learned a little bit from your husbands physical abuse. You can try to have her talk with someone (therapist) but I know that often that is a difficult thing to do when it comes to teenagers

    • ZZZ

      Doug sorry about all the typos. Yes, my daughter has seen a PTSD thetapist 3 times. I will check oh the law here.
      Daughter and I went to the city for two days that extended into 3 in a hotel. Purpose was to get into reality. She is so confused. So, we talked a lot without phones and I pads interrupting. It drove my CH nuts that he could not contact her and demanded that I turn her phone on.
      He had loaned his parking tag to us and used the trolley system. When I was ready to return it, I called a secretary to come down and get me in this fortified bldg to deliver a
      surprise my CH.
      But, my phone died, went to security to plug it in when my CH showed up and yelled, ” why did you
      Not pick up your phone?” I indicated the charger. As we left for me to get car out which also required the tag, he in front if securithly cameras and probably mica, he angrily stated,” boy, there would have been a problem if you did not get the badge here before my meeting.
      Making sure that I spoke loudly, I said,” all problems can be solved,” while I walked ahead of him
      With a strong confidence. Of course, this was all in front of the daughter as well As security cameras. He was acting like an ass rift in his own work place A’s if he had forgotten where he was. I also wonder since he was diagnosed A’s a sex addict whether he is looking at Porn again. The unexplained anger seems to indicate shame. What do you think Doug?

      • Doug

        You may very well be right there, ZZZ. It also sounds as though he has anger management issues. I think he needs to get some professional help as it sounds like he’s a ticking bomb at this point. I like your confidence. Keep it up!

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