green and blueOur new site colors represent two of the primary elements for affair recovery.  Read further to understand what they are and how to accomplish them.

If you’ve been a member or reader for very long, you’ve surely noticed that we just recently changed the design of our site.  It’s still a work in progress in many ways but the primary components are complete.

The purpose of this post is not to really get into all the nuts and bolts of the new design and theme change, but more so to highlight two of the driving forces for the main colors that we chose.

You see, there was actually some method behind our choice of blue and green for the primary theme colors.  We did a little research on the meaning of colors and found a document by someone at Indiana University that gave us some direction.  

It seems that the color blue (light blue specifically) is associated with healing and understanding.  While green also has great healing power and symbolizes growth.

Healing and Growth.  Two of the primary elements for affair recovery and thus, two of the primary things we hope that you can accomplish in your own journeys after infidelity.  This is true whether you are a victim of infidelity or you are the unfaithful.

broken-heartHealing after Infidelity

I’m first going to speak to healing as it can surely be an elusive achievement.  Then I’ll touch on the issue of personal growth.

After a lot of trial and error at first, I came to learn that affair recovery takes two forms: there is personal recovery (healing) from the emotional impact of the experience—and then there’s rebuilding the marriage. These are two completely different kinds of recovery, and they can be applicable whether you are a betrayed spouse or a wayward spouse.

Some people who remain in the marriage heal very nicely and manage to overcome the damage along with re-committing to the relationship. But many others who stay married have a terrible time and may never recover emotionally. They spend the rest of their lives bitter, hurt and resentful, and the relationship is forever strained and distant at best.

The same is true for those who leave the relationship. Some make a good recovery and go on to form a more satisfying relationship with someone else. Yet some never recover, carrying the emotional burden with them into whatever relationships they have in the future—or perhaps even avoiding any future involvement in relationships altogether.

Obtaining personal recovery – healing – in part involves educating yourself as much as possible about the dynamics of affairs in general.  This can help to make the experience somewhat less personal – even though infidelity is an extremely personal issue.

The late author Peggy Vaughan (“The Monogamy Myth”) states that personal recovery or “healing” involves…

  • Accepting the fact that it happened
  • Understanding the complex reasons for affairs (not just “personal failure”)
  • Deliberately focusing on dealing with it and talking openly about what happened
  • Allowing time to heal
  • Believing it’s possible to recover

By learning as much as you can about affairs, it helps you to gain enough perspective so that you might be able to have a more rational understanding of the experience to counteract the strong emotional reactions that can dominate your life.

By actively focusing on the subject you can take control of it instead of it controlling you.  Yet even if you can accomplish that, there is often a problem with applying everything that you’ve learned to your own situation so that you can indeed fully heal.

As many of you know (and have personally experienced yourselves), I was a research fanatic after discovery of the affair.  My life revolved around finding out anything and everything I could on the subject of infidelity.  With this new-found knowledge – and after lots of time and lots of mistakes – I was able to transform my irrational fears and misunderstandings about Doug’s affair into something more tolerable and manageable.

It helped me to see the affair for what it really was and allowed me a somewhat safer path towards personal recovery.

Woman raising armsPersonal Growth after Infidelity

Doug and I have certainly grown quite a bit mentally, spiritually and physically since this all started and yet there is always room for more growth.   

This didn’t just happen.  We worked at it purposefully and diligently, both as individuals and as a couple to make it happen.  We knew that we had to do something or it was a real possibility that we wouldn’t make it.

It’s a shame that it took infidelity to really motivate us to do something drastic but there are reasons rooted in psychological research that support why this may have occurred.

According to Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D., a clinical and health psychologist…

Research shows that many people report psychological growth and positive psychological changes resulting from highly stressful events. This growth does not “undo” the negative effects, but may co-exist with them, or may be the result of therapeutic or spiritual work.

Research on posttraumatic growth has also shown that the experience of trauma (like an affair) may lead people into new activities, lifestyles, and/or relationships that make life more meaningful, rich, and satisfying. These activities open people to new networks or enhance their skills in ways that help them feel stronger, more whole, and more connected. They may find a sense of flow – feeling both engaged and challenged as they channel their pain into meaningful creative work.

Another thing that became apparent from my own journey is I have learned just how strong I really am. In fact, up until this, I had no idea how strong I really was, or could be.  I know for a fact that many of you have come to realize this in your own self as well.

Thus, facing our traumas can help us learn how strong we are and what we can bear. We are often surprised by our ability to tolerate difficult memories and emotions when we feel motivated by a personally important goal.

Reaching for Growth in the Face of Adverse Events

If you have experienced a traumatic event, Dr. Greenberg suggests that it may help to:

  • Think about the personal strength that you showed to survive these events. Even if you made some mistakes or did some things you regret, you did what you had to do to survive and that is something to be proud of.
  • Think about the things that you have put in your life currently that make it meaningful, be it relationships, your work, your faith, or taking care of your family. Try to find everyday happiness in the life you have now.
  • Think about what you have learned from going through these difficulties, and about how you might use this knowledge to help yourself and other people or create something of personal or societal value.
  • Know that growth and hope can coexist with grief and that there will be ups and downs. Learn to anticipate and manage these. Be gentle with yourself on days when it is just too difficult to see the positive.

 

Now you know the reasons for the colors we chose for the new site design.  We hope that you like our new look and now every time you come to our site and see the blue and green you can be thinking healing and growth.  Perhaps this will work like subliminal advertising and you will subconsciously push yourself more towards personal recovery and growth.

LINESPACE

    18 replies to "What Do Green and Blue Have to do With Affair Recovery?"

    • chiffchaff

      I really like the new look and that there are reasons behind the colour scheme.
      I also feel sad, and I have to say confused, as to why it took discovery of my H’s PA/EA to turn my own personal wellbeing around. I also feel that I know that I am capable of great strength that I didn’t know I had before, or had forgotten.
      As a result of the hideous shock of discovery and months of lying, put downs, disrespectful behaviour and outrageous selfishness by my H, I have gone from being unhappy but not knowing why (before discovery I was feeling more and more alone and isolated) – to being heartbroken but eventually with all the pieces of the jigsaw – to being 40kgs lighter, fitter, a completely different shape, happier with myself and more confident. I will be running my first half marathon race on Sunday and have just learnt how to swim frontcrawl, something I’ve wanted to do for 20 years!
      I love where I am now and I know that this is the result of not taking this lying down, stopping being a doormat, standing up for myself, being hard on myself when I’m letting myself down (like considering not getting out of bed for an early morning training run!) and reading, reading reading and more reading on understanding why I might react certain ways, how better to think about difficult situations. My life has changed, I haven’t ‘changed’ in myself I have just rediscovered the more confident me.
      I’m not sure that my H has yet come that far but I suppose on discovery the level of shock was nothing near as great as he knew it was likely to happen. That might be why he still doesn’t really challenge himself or really try to change his ways of thinking. It’s very very slow and painful. He will always choose the easy path first. That’s not to say he hasn’t come along way, because he has. He’s kinder, more thoughtful, does reflect on how his behaviour may be seen by me and others. I guess that when situations like this happen you have to reflect hard on yourself and us BSs end up with a degree in self-reflection! It’s great if the CSs can do the same.
      I don’t know where all this personal recovery and healing will take me but I’m sure that the journey will be far more enjoyable and I have more tools to cope with the inevitable rollercoaster sections (like the in-laws…).

      • Doug

        Great stuff Chiff! From what you described, I think it’s amazing how much you have grown and I’ think you’re going to be just fine. Thanks for sharing!

      • Paula

        Chiff, no words, just fantastic. My SIL just ran her first half last weekend, and loved it (when it was knocked off, lol.) You are doing great xx And 40kgs – WHOAH!!!! That is outstanding!

    • Blue

      Thank you Linda&Doug for creating a site, not only visually, but somewhere people can recover and grow. The swirls in the picture above certainly do represent the tidal waves of emotions one goes through.

      I love the fact you chose green for growth. Through the information, sharing and support of this site, many of us are able to ‘grow’ and become better souls with or without a partner. Forgiveness is the hardest gift to give but the most rewarding. I hope I will always remember until my last day to grow with love, grace, forgiveness and integrity. I would die a contented, happy, peaceful person.

      • Doug

        Thank you Blue – wonderfully worded!

    • hilhil50

      Hi everybody! There was a time in my life when I couldn’t live without this site! I am voracious reader, I devour the written word And when the unthinkable happened in my life the lack of really concrete advice,stats,etc didn’t seem to exist..Until I found you 🙂 I didn’t post more than once or twice under the name toddlermom, but I was on this site everyday for hours. Everyone has story, and ladies and gentleman mine has a happy ending. Maybe not the one you guys are hoping for though. I met the most beautiful man on earth at nineteen. Ahhhhh young love, its so poetic! At twenty we were living together maybe not the right choice so young, but felt like it at the time. Ten years a marriage and baby later my husband drops a bomb. He is in love and not with me! Now granted our marriage had not been perfect. Who’s is? But we were a team the envy of all our friends! How does this happen????? He was having a difficult time he had gotten a DUI (no he wasnt a drunk! Just 32 and having beers with the boys)and was facing maybe job loss as a resukt. All of a sudden I was married to a different man. He tells me of the affair that has only been going on two months packs his bag and moves in with her. He has barely spoken to me since. That was on Oct 31,2011! I have seen him maybe five times at our sons functions and never alone… divorce proceedings started July 2012 and was finalized with no real hassle in April 2013. Married affair partner the next week. She is now my sons step-mom. Here is the best part. Yes it hurts those first six months were… well I don’t remember them. Because I was sick.. so sick over my life..somewhere along the line though I got it together! I found out the most amazing things about myself. I have never felt so beautiful so empowered. I wake up happy liking my life and looking forward to my future. I get the chance to find real love. I also get to relish in the fact that my ex isn’t truly happy. He lost friends, they are mostly mine. When he was in his fog he cut ties with everyone Not taking phone calls or answering texts. He left and told none of his friends what he was doing lwaving me with all the awkward questions. Like hey wheres matt been? Me: oh he moved out and lives with his girlfriend! Dead silence ensues when confronted with that juicy tidbit! But surprisingly most of our friends really havent accepted him back into the fold. His best man is now one of my best friends. His family has lost respect and they only talk to him about things that pertain to our son. And yes the ex in laws have been nothing short of amazing through all this! How lucky am I? It was exactly one year before I saw him. He had went almost completely gray in just that time. I was shocked! He also has had a serious Breakout on his skin causing discoloration on his face. Apparently from stress. He was such a handsome young man.. Was is the key word! His grandmother told me that he has to take sleeping pills to sleep at night. Karma? Maybe! But honestly who cares I have my own life to live. Yes sometimes I get really sad and have a cry fest! But hell I deserve it! Mostly I just get sad when our five year old gets sad. I really wanted a family for him. Weeks go by without a thought about him other than pertaining to our son. It gets better everyone! I promise! Even if you don’t stay together 🙂 My happy ending isn’t quite the fairy tale but this Cinderella will get a damn slipper…. someday.. lol

      • Patsy50

        hilhil50

        I like your attitude! You go girl and you will get that dam slipper for sure:-)

      • Doug

        HH, Thanks for sharing and I’m glad that things have improved for you. I echo what Patsy said…you will get that slipper someday! We know of a very similar situation where affair partners married and it is obvious that they are not happy, though they try to put on the appearance that they are.

      • Paula

        You are fabulous, HH – love you! What an attitude. No wonder the in-laws love you. Not that this is of any concern to you, but have you ever considered that he may have a secret drug problem??? The symptoms seem so like a meth addict to me. But, as I said, he is gone, you have an awesome family without him screwing it all up. You will be happy because you have a great attitude, not happy, happy, joy, joy, the tears will happen, but you are well on your way to some inner peace, slipper or no slipper (and I know you will be wiser and happier either way.) I think that speaks volumes about you. Thank you for sharing your story x.

      • Rachel

        N
        Hilhil50,

        You sound so wonderfully strong. I wish I didn’t have the “what if’s ” in my head.
        My now ex admitted that he has made a mistake. Took him 2 years to get out of the fog. Too late for me. Too much has been said and done.
        Why are these cheaters all alike? It’s almost like they were trained to hurt us and then to snap out of it.
        I don’t miss the badgering and nagging at all.
        Hate the wondering what will happen in the future.
        Good luck !

    • Patsy50

      Doug and Linda

      Love the colors and the new look!

    • hilhil50

      Thanks patsy 😉 I actually saw my ex and his new wife at wedding recently. I went stag with friends and he sat in a corner with his new wife. Clearly uncomfortable they never left their table while I had the time of my life with all “our friends”! Lol he left early and couldn’t resist texting me on his way home to chastise me about my behavior. Apparently I had too much fun! I did! It was hard though seeing the newlyweds together, but they don’t seem happy. He spent the whole night staring at me. Life is good 🙂 Once he tied the knot he seemed to have changed. Wants to reunite with old friends that aren’t that willing. We live in a Small town and most of our friends know the little things without me telling them. They see that he doesn’t show for his sons t-ball games or come to school functions! I think most would be more forgiving to him if he was present. So the reality has set in that he isn’t really ever going to have his old friends back.

      • Patsy50

        Good for you hilhil50. You deserve to have all the fun life has to offer you with or without a husband.
        I am sure you had many good memories while married but there comes a time when you know, that you have to let go and make a new life, a fun and happy life for yourself and son,
        I think just maybe your ex is realizing he just might have made a mistake!
        All the best to you.

    • hilhil50

      Patsy what’s your story? Or where can i find it? I haven’t spent the time recently reading every comment as I once did!

      • Patsy50

        I don’t post to often. I am one of the older girls here. I had been married for 39 years when my husband told me of his EA with a very much younger coworker, 30 years younger to be exact. We are three years from DDay. He asked me not to give up on him, so I gave him one chance. We worked together, very hard, to repair the relationship to what it is today which is in a good place. We have been together since our teens, married in our early twenties and now are in our sixties with children and grandchildren but that would not have stopped me from moving on in my life without him except we both loved each other very much. We have been married 42 years this past Oct.31, 2013
        It has been a tough road to travel but worth it at the end. The information on this site has been very important in helping us get to where we are today. Good Luck to you

    • hilhil50

      Yes it has helped me tremendously. I to was willing and wanted to save my marriage. He basically never spoke to me again after DDAY. I hope the best for you and a marriage as long as yours deserves a second chance. Your wedding day was also mine. Funny!

    • tryinghard

      WOW that’s pretty inspirational hilhil50. You sound like someone who really has it together, and you ex husband’s loss. I guess he got what he asked for though so he shouldn’t be complaining or judging you:) Yes you will find someone wonderful, but until then you sound quite happy and fulfilled. Congratulations.

    • hilhil50

      Just wanted to say thanks for all the support. Sorry I haven’t replied… holidays are crazy! Rachel the what ifs never go away. I’m over two years out and I sometimes still have them. They get better I promise. It helps if you have a best friend that u can just “bitch, whine,and complain” to. What if you meet the man of your dreams tommorrow. What if you hit the lottery. What if you get a promotion???? What if u got stuck with a man who didn’t appreciate you for the rest of your life?

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