When there is infidelity in a marriage, there is no such thing as too much information. Full disclosure after an affair is a must.

full disclosure after an affair

by Sarah P.

Many of us joke about situations where someone shares too much information. We close our ears and say: “La la La la” because someone just over shared.

After you have had an affair, it’s likely that your first instinct is to hide the details. You furiously delete all the emails, the text messages, the many compromising photos, and you burn any handwritten love letters just in case.

You feel that you do not want to harm your spouse anymore then he/she has already been harmed. You feel like what he/she knows won’t hurt him/her and so you get to work at deleting all traces of the affair and you spend hours rewriting what actually happened in order to soften the emotional blow.

Even though you have the right motivation, that is to spare your spouse any further grief, unfortunately this is not the way to do it.

You see, those messy details always come out and they will come out no matter how much you seek to hide them. In fact, if you think all that deleting has gotten rid of them, think again. Because it’s most likely even the government has a back up in the database of all those compromising photos. So, it could get out.

Featured Download: “The Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Affair Partner Now”

If you’re the unfaithful, get it, read it and carefully consider the advice. If you’re the betrayed, give it to your unfaithful spouse.

You do not want to be in the position of being seen as completely untrustworthy. Because the affair has already caused a loss of trust, you do not want to further damage trust as you’re trying to rebuild it.

Even though it seems counterintuitive, telling your spouse the hard truth in the light of day, is going to serve your marriage in the long run. That is, if you are like most and you do want to repair your marriage.

Statistically speaking, 90% of those who cheat on their spouses end up staying with their spouse even if they choose the other person for a short time.

Therefore, even though your spouse is hurting, you need to answer his/her questions truthfully when he/she asks. Yes, it’s going to hurt. But sparing him/her the truth hurts more in the long run. Because your spouse knows that when you tell the truth, you sincerely want to repair trust. The truth, though it hurts, is actually going to be the foundation on which to rebuild trust.

On the other hand, you may feel that you’re such a good liar that you really don’t have to take this advice. You think you have it handled and you can just keep lying.

But, here’s the thing. As I have said before, truth has a way of coming out despite our best efforts to hide it. It’s like the universe itself cannot support too much lying and so it allows the truth to seep out in even the most likely of scenarios.

See also  The Wayward Spouse Must Take a Leading Role in Your Recovery

In fact, I am going to tell you a true story of something that actually happened to me.

A Betrayed Spouse Needs to Know the Details of the Affair

A True Story…

As they say, truth is stranger than fiction and this story certainly meets that criteria. I can also tell you that the story was not a figment of my imagination because my parents were actually present to witness it. (I will change names, but all of the other details are the same.)

I went to graduate school in another English-speaking country. During that time, I met a woman who was taking advantage of one of my very best male friends. This woman was from India and from a wealthy family. But, she had an insatiable need to be taken out to expensive restaurants and to be given expensive gifts. She had actually gone through the money of two of my other friends prior to picking on this third gentlemen.

My friend was in a wheelchair because of an injury he had sustained as a child. I felt toward him like he was a brother and was very protective. Once this woman came around, I knew she wasn’t sincere, but she was such a wonderful liar that my friend didn’t believe me.

I understand why he didn’t believe me. He was very lonely and she was very attractive and was showering him with attention. Soon after they started dating and sleeping together, another person told me that this woman had a fiancé in Germany who had been in my program the year before.

After this woman ran through all of my friend’s loan money and he had to beg friends for food, she disappeared. She blocked him on her cell phone and on email and pretended like he no longer existed. Is she thinking of her fiancé and changing her ways?

No, it turned out that her new target was one of my roommates. I stayed out of it, but at that point I started asking around to see if I could send a word to her fiancé about what she had been doing behind his back. No one knew how to get a hold of him but I remained outraged and kept thinking of a way to get a hold of him.

Here’s the thing, I graduated and came back to the US and got a teaching job at a university. I still did not know the name or the location of the German gentleman. I had left all of that behind overseas, but it still angered me to see how broken my friend in the wheelchair remained.

During the Christmas break, I was at a large dinner with 100 people and it was for all of the exchange students at the university in which I was teaching. My parents were there too since they had international students that they hosted and my dad was teaching in another department at that university.

The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind 

We ended up sitting at a large table with a couple that my parents know and the students that all of us were hosting. A man with a thick accent sat beside me and we started chatting. I asked him what he was studying and he told me that he was getting his PhD in English at this university. We chatted about graduate school and there in that small town in the Midwest, I found out that this gentleman had graduated from the same department I had graduated from in the overseas University. We were talking about the theses that we wrote and our experience with the professors.

See also  Discussion - Thoughts on Our Healing From Infidelity Survey

Suddenly, he started to ask me if we knew any friends in common. He started naming several names that I did not recognize. Finally, he said, “Do you know a woman named Imara?”

I said, “You mean the Imara who has made a career out of cheating on her German fiancé or a different one?”

The man turned sheet white. I asked him what was wrong. Then, he started rapid firing questions about Imara. As I answered them he began to look angry.

Finally I said, “You know if she was your friend I am so sorry to have offended you. It’s just that she did something really terrible to one of my best friends.”

The man looked at me and said, “Imara’s boyfriend? I am certainly NOT Imara’s boyfriend.”

I interjected, “Well, I am so relieved…”

And then he continued, “I am Imara’s fiancé. We are supposed to get married this summer in Germany.”

Cheating Spouses: How to Become Trustworthy After the Affair

I had an utter lack of disbelief and almost fell off my chair. I thought he was kidding. Then I asked him some questions to make sure that we were talking about the same person. We figured out that, yes, we were indeed speaking of the same person. I sincerely apologized and I felt terrible. He promptly got up and left the dinner. My parents witnessed the whole thing and wondered what it was all about.

There I was, thousands of miles away from that graduate school in another country. There I was sitting at the table in a Midwestern university wondering what the heck just happened.

I mulled it over and thought that it couldn’t be true. Because that was more strange than any other coincidence than I had ever witnessed in my life.

The week after that I ran into him at the small campus coffee shop. I felt very apprehensive and approached him immediately to apologize. Suddenly, he smiled. He said, “I’m sorry for being mad at you since I should have been mad at her. But, I went home that day and I confronted her with all of the information that you gave me. Because it was so detailed, she didn’t even try to deny it and she told me the whole truth. Even though I was hurt at first, thank you for telling me because I cannot believe that I could have married such a person.”

And that was that. I had gotten my wish to tell Imara’s secret to the German man. It didn’t happen the way I thought it would happen. A series of very random and unlikely events had to happen for me to be able to tell that secret.

See also  White Knight Syndrome - The Need to Rescue Others

Six months later, I saw the German man again walking around campus. He approached me with his face beaming and said, “I truly need to thank you for saving my future. After I broke up with Imara, I met the love of my life and I proposed to her the other day.”

I saw him again after that with the woman to which he was engaged and I honestly believe that they were meant to be together.

Here’s the lesson about full disclosure after an affair…

But the point of this article is not about whether or not we should break up after an affair. In fact most marriages are repairable after an affair since most people are not sociopaths like Imara. (There was a lot more to her story then was relevant to this blog, but take my word for it.)

The point of it is that story should have never come out, at least through me. Given the circumstances, it was very unlikely to come out at all. But, the truth always finds a way of coming out and it does so at the most unlikely times.

When it does come out, the fact that the truth was withheld is almost more damaging than the original offense itself. Therefore, if you want to build trust, you must tell the truth.

Now, I don’t mean that you need to tell the truth in a way that’s callous or unthinking. You can tell the truth in a judicious manner and you can follow it up with the idea that the truth has no reflection on your partner and what your partner did or did not do. Your actions were about your failings. You need to make that clear to your partner while telling the truth.

Only then can the affair recovery process really begin. Because as long as you withhold the truth, when it does come out you have shattered all trust and your partner may not want to work it out at that point. But, let’s say in a twist of fate, the truth never comes out for whatever reason.

In this case, you will never be able to recover from your infidelity because recovery begins with the truth. And when you’re not able to recover from infidelity, you have nothing on which to build your marriage.

Yes, the truth hurts, but the truth is also going to pave the way for the best shot that you have at recovering a marriage. Telling the truth facilitates all kinds of discussion. You will then be able to have the kinds of discussions where you are perhaps able to express why your needs are not getting met and how to get them met.

Many couples find that after affair recovery, their marriage thrives. But never forget that a thriving marriage begins with the truth.  So full disclosure after an affair is a must!

*This article was originally posted on April 10, 2015 and updated on August 24, 2021

    28 replies to "No Such Thing As TMI – The Importance of Full Disclosure After You Have Had an Affair"

    • Lynsey

      Great article Sarah. When my H was in his affair, all I ever wanted was the truth. The blatant lies to my face after discovery were very insulting. When he finally told me the truth, he said he thought that at that point, I would kick him out. My response was that we could finally start healing and the truth, however painful, was what saved us. ( I did have a deadline where I planned to kick him out if the lies continued) The AP that my H was involved with is also a sociopath like Imara in you story. Researching her, and talking to her “victims” and ex friends, I found a pattern where she finds a sugar daddy to support her lifestyle, pay her bills and shower her with gifts. She is a parasitic whore who is very good at manipulating people. The worst part is that she is in the mental health field and has easy access to her victims. Still waiting for karma to come her way.

    • lin

      Excellent article, Sarah. I would love to show this article to my husband, but I do not believe that he is in a place to understand the concept. Unfortunately, he is still in the blame-shifting , defensive, denial phase. Ugh . . . . . .

    • Beckyb2

      Lynsey you can stop waiting for karma to get her she is her own worst enemy. I know it’s hard to see but karma is holding her hand leading her down the twisted lane to insanity. Psychologically ill people will live in a twisted fantasy yet put the truth in their face will deny reality as in the old they believe they are ok the rest of us are (because they can’t face/live reality)so wrong for proving how sick their lives and perceptions are.

    • tabs

      My H won’t give me any details. I get the broad generalized view of things that happened. Does anybody worry (obsess) about the details? I keep wondering if it’s the lack of details that makes me worry even more.

      • Shifting Impressions

        That sounds familiar and yes, I find that worrisome as well.

      • Strengthrequired

        Tabs, the lack of details I feel make me worry more and feel like it is slowly pushing me away. i don’t like feeling like there is something being kept from me, and others know about.

      • Joshua

        I completely agree. I too got all worried about the details or “lack of”. What got me was initially when I confronted my partner about the affair, she downright lied. I knew something was up. I could just feel it. It felt as if she was sneaking off, either to some “work” or family function. I should have caught on, since she cant stand her family. Then months go by and she tells me. She tells me she kissed a guy she works with. Well even though I knew something was up, nothing could prepare me for this. Whats worse is every now and then just when she tells me I “know everything” that happened, I find out more and more… such as when they saw each other or that it was more than one kiss… I don’t know what to believe anymore. I cant believe a word she says and I don’t know how to get the truth. I guess the only one that knows would be the loser she had the affair with, but I just cant bring myself to asking him. Just thinking about it makes me so angry. This went on for months, and as time went on I would find out more and more. The constant lies is what did me in. She was so selfish that she only told me things that would suffice at the time. She never had the respect for me to tell me the truth.. I had enough. I left. I look back on it and I have no regrets. Well perhaps one….. and that is I should have left 7 months ago when I found out and got on with my life….So when it comes to details….Your damn right I want them and so should you.. and don’t let anything stand in your way of getting them.

    • Shifting Impressions

      This is really a timely article for me….as are many of the posts. Funny how just the right topic is covered at the right time. Amazing how that works. I was just thinking this week that everything I know about the two Emotional Affairs (15years apart) I stumbled on. Both times I wasn’t looking for the information but it came to me anyway. And oddly enough, I know this sounds a little spooky both times I had a strange premonition of sorts, the night before the information came to me.

      Also, just as in Sarah’s article as soon as anything was discovered, the emails and such were quickly and I mean quickly destroyed. I don’t really believe that they do this to protect the Betrayed Spouse but rather to protect themselves and the Affair Partner….in my opinion anyway.

      I say all that to say this, as healing is starting to happen and I really do believe it is I find myself wondering what will I do if there is more information that I don’t have. Just last week I was debating whether to bring up the topic of “Full Disclosure”. If there is more information such as…..perhaps another EA etc. I would like that information NOW. The thought of slugging through all this pain and rebuilding our relationship only to find there was more is unthinkable. This post has made me realize that this is a topic that must be brought up again. All the cards need to be laid out on the table in order to move forward…..I need to go on record about that. I agree with Sarah….the truth has a way of coming out, it would be so much better if it came from my husband himself.

    • Beckyb2

      I’m 3.8 years since dd#1 and too many for me to waste my time numbering. One thing my husband (the last 6 weeks he is trying) says I do that makes his defensive protect his self image pop up is he lies and I hit the lie on the head so to speak. He tells me he get mad at himself because he knows he really messed up by tt gaslighting omission defense and denial and he has a hard time acknowledging the harmful abusive immature man he was. He still insists he never stopped loving me even though he said he wasn’t in love with me and acted as if he hated me he admits his love lacked love. I’m so sorry we are all in this insane messed up crap someone we love chose to do because they are empty of something inside never ever believe you did anything to make the cheater cheat.

    • Beckyb2

      I have been watching hearing and waiting and seeing that my mind/instinct/gut wasn’t wrong even when face to face being lied to. I know it’s hard but please trust yourself you know yourself. Betrayal makes you doubt yourself just know we never chose to lie deceive or cheat . You have every reason to believe in you.

    • Tryinghard

      I think I’ve gotten all the information and details. It’s funyy but I truly believe ther aren’t enough details to get. There’s always more. I was thinking about my situation and the fact that the OW worked for him for practically 4 years. Now if the average work year hours is 2000 times 4 that’s 8000 hours they spent together at work alone. Not counting the hours they were together at work!!! That’s a lot of freaking details there. It amazes me how after spending that many hours together I didn’t get that many details about her. I’m sure there more that I’d like to know but is pretty negligible to him. I think he truly doesn’t rember, doesn’t want to rember an sure as hell doesn’t want to talk about it should something spark a memory.

      They are very good at compartmentalizing, at least my husband is. It’s been 4 years and nothing else has come out. The OW doesn’t have the guts to confront me but maybe she will spill someday and then I will have to deal with it. Or maybe she won’t ever. Who knows. Thing is I can’t live my life worrying if there’s more info out there. I do know should he start up another relationship I will know. That naivety is gone forever so my red flags will be valid.

      I try very hard to recognize that my need for more details is irrelevant. I know all I need to know. He cheated. Nothing will change that fact. No detail will negate it so I move on emotionally but remain aware. It doesn’t matter in the big picture. If it needs to come out it will.

      With our joint business interest he needs me. The well being of his company and subsequent financing of it is de dent on our marriage. The business will die on the vine should we divorce so he needs me to be here and he knows I won’t be here if he’s not all in. So far it’s good. He’s been great. You don’t have to live in the past but you do have to keep it in the rear view mirror to check out once in a while. I’m not afraid to ask anything anymore. Whether or not he’s being honest or forthright is another matter. And you know what sometimes it’s just a sense of pride too that I don’t ask everything I’m thinking. I’ll be damned he thinks his stink is on me but I don’t mind letting him know his stink is still on him. He knows it too. He sees how others treat him. He’s lost his honor and respect with a lot of people. That’s his problem not mine.

    • Kimberly

      It’s been 5 months since I found out my husband spent almost 2 years speaking to his cousin every day then started a second emotional affair with a 24yr old. He is 51. I found out a week before we were to leave on vacation to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. I have been continually frustrated because he continues to piecemeal details. I can’t move on because I know he is lying. There are things that just don’t add up and I just want him to admit it. He says he is sorry for the affair and will never hurt me like that again. I believe he is sorry. But he is still struggling being completely honest with me. Plus he only spoke to them when I was at work. I can’t quit my job. I still don’t know how he kept from losing his job. He never hid his phone but I never thought he was texting 1600 texts in one month because he never text them in front of me. It is like he lived three lives, talking to each one of us about very different things. I find our conversations awkward because I am trying to speak to him about different things than before. Our conversations don’t flow easy like they did before which is a trigger for me. I think that you ask questions over and over because the answers do change but they don’t see that. They just want the questions to stop. I told him that he hid things from me for almost 2 years so I get that long to deal with it. I think I am still in shock that he was able to hide things from me for that long. I knew he was stressed with work but he never changed his dress, hid his phone, started arguments to leave the house, or many of the red flags. Plus I know I would have stopped him from talking to another woman but it started with his cousin. I had no idea they were texting every day. I thought she sent him too many pictures but I thought it was just a new thing and would die down later and I thought it had only he was just doing it behind my back. He has lots of excuses, he was stupid, he has OCD, he was stressed, he was worried about his health. He says he knows now that he can ask me anything but he always could. Like after 20 years of marriage he did not know that. He stopped talking to his best friend too. Probably because he knew his best friend would not approve. Thanks for the blog. Reading that my emotions are normal helps a lot. I just wish there were not so many people who have gone through this.

    • TrustIssues

      My wife separated from me 6 years ago (2010), 4 months later we reconciled (2011) and everything was and had been great. I had some suspicions about a guy (one of my best friends), but I brushed them off as I was so happy to have her back and things were very good. During this separation period, a quesitonable “hotel visit” occurred one saturday night and she told me she was with her girlfriends from another town. I was skeptical but I believed it, and moved on. Again, this is just under 6 years ago and yes, we were “broke up” so she was free to do what she wished.

      Fast forward to this summer past, we had a small high school reunion party. At one point, I couldn’t find my wife so I went looking and found her and my friend (same friend noted above), next door having fun with the neighbour at their back door. It all seemed innocent and they were having lots of fun and laughs. So, because of my suspicions I decided to sit down in a dark area where I would have full view of their returning to the party just to see what happened. As they returned, laughter turned to whispers and my wife pulled my friend into a corner where (she thought) nobody could see them. she wrapped her arms around his neck as she pulled him in closer and I screeched out “Hey!!! What do you guys think you’re doing!!!!”. My wife immediately denied she was going to do anything. As she approached me quite surprised by the fact I was there, my friend was behind her and scurried back into the house (his wife was in there). Leaving my wife with me and I was utterly heartbroken. I immediately asked her about the hotel incident and she continued to deny she was with him.

      A week or two later, I discover an old facebook message on her computer (yes I snooped on her messages, i’m not proud but i did it) where she had asked this girlfriend of hers to say she was with her that night. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read it. When I confronted my wife, her first reaction was to lie again but she relented and said “yes, I was with him at the hotel that night but nothing happened like you think…. we were there to talk about you”. I had to initially accept this because again, I loved her so much and she was continuing to show me so much love and affection.

      Fast forward 8 weeks later (just two weeks ago as i type this message). I had continued to press for answers, never believing nothing happened at the hotel (come on, it was a hotel). At the same time, I had struck up an email conversation with my friend to ask him about everything… of course, all his answers were “yes I was at the hotel, but we were there to talk about you, nothing happened, etc”. I continued to hound him as well, asking very pointed questions and putting on lots of pressure. It was obvious to me, they had done something very inappropriate and just didn’t want to admit it. Then one day I created a fake email address with his name, I switched two letters in the address and composed an email to me, from him admitting everything about the hotel. I was very careful to use similar language and grammar he did and even used sentences from some of his previous emails. Using a little bit of acting on my part (I’m not proud of any of this btw but I had to do what I had to do), I got my wife to read this “new” message from my friend as I told her I was scared to read it. When she read it, she got very emotional, there was much crying and she admitted to meeting for sex that night, in the hotel, 6 years ago. She admitted she had been lying about it all this time so it wouldn’t hurt me. I even asked for details of the hotel (yes i’m one of those who needs details) and she told me everything in painful detail. It was very tough to hear it all and I’ve been dealing with it every since.

      I then asked for details of other incidents I knew of and she admitted it all to me. These were incidents she denied and downplayed prior. One was the about-to-kiss moment at the party (that yes, she was going to kiss him) and a kiss she gave him walking home from a new years party a couple yrs back when I wasn’t home with her.

      I have never experienced so much passion before in the months since the incident this summer past. She’s more sexually adventurous with me and I have had tremendous amounts of sex since this incident (hysterical bonding, maybe?) She tells me she loves me. It has been great! She tells me her “friendship” with my friend is over. She has show a good amount of genuine remorse. She tells me that I now know everything and that her holding everything back was to not hurt me. She tells me the incident at that party was a stupid, drunken mistake she made with the excitement of all the fun being had. Same with the New Years encounter a couple years ago. She insists there was never another sexual encounter after the hotel (6 yrs ago) and insists she never kissed him in secret at any other time. She explained why she broke up with me in 2010 and how she was in a completely different frame of mind back then. She even admits there was probably nothing I could have ever done back then to have stopped it. She now says it was a mistake and horrible decision. If she had her time back nothing would have happened.

      While there is a part of me that is very excited about going forward with this renewed passion and love, I still cannot come to grips with the fact she slowly trickled information out to me that she lied about first, and only when i asked her about it. She has still never voluntarily told me anything about these incidents and it concerns me. I have asked her to tell me if there were more encounters and that it would do so much for our trust if she could tell me something I don’t know that would hurt me. She says there isn’t anything more… she says I know everything. I even showed her this article… she understands completely but says she has told me everything, there is nothing.

      I love my wife very much. She is an otherwise incredible person. I am eventually going to forgive once the sting and pain of everything subsides. I am willing to work on it and she says she is too. And her behaviour now seems to indicate that.

      However, It’s the attempted kiss from 2 months ago that really bothers me. She now insists she doesn’t have feelings for my friend and it was a stupid mistake. She has stated she will never talk to him again and that it is completely over. I am still on the fence. While I love the new found us and new found passion that has resulted from all this, I am stuck on the fact all info was only trickle-delivered to me and perhaps due to the lack of trust i now have in her (due to the discovery and revelations), I still feel like there is something else she is not telling me. I have no proof of anything, it’s pure gut instinct. She maintains there is nothing else to tell. She tells me she loves me, wants to be with me forever and says she will never hurt me again, nothing will ever happen again and I have nothing to worry about. Should I be?

      • Cherry

        Yes you should be worried. Let her go.

    • Mary

      I don’t know what hurts the most. The actual affair itself or the “trickle truth”. I have come to realize that no matter what if the full truth is not disclosed, then there is absolutely no way I would be able to trust that person again. Allow me to correct myself…..If I was to be cheated on, I don’t care about the truth…it doesn’t matter….THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
      All the “effort” or “work” they are putting into keeping the relationship together means shit if they can not be honest. I have heard people give excuse after excuse why they don’t tell the truth. They think they are protecting their partner by not telling them. I say bullshit, they are still only concerned for themselves and don’t want to deal with the consequences. Unfortunately I know too many people that have been cheated on. One of them was caught by their partner reading through their emails and Facebook and text messages. They had no choice but to own up to it, after all they were the one who wrote it, but I wonder if the other person in this affair was truthful in disclosing details or continues to lie their way through it, as if one day it will be completely forgotten about. I hear from many people that they would never tell someone to confront the other cheater. I agree with that to a point. Probably the only reason would be to compare their stories, you know, when did it start, how often did they meet, what did they do etc…and maybe this will suffice for some. But when it all comes down to the end… Cheating is NOT a mistake….IT IS A CHOICE. No one “accidently” lands on another persons private parts.
      I hear from people that they stay in a relationship for the sake of the children or financial reasons. But houses can be sold, and studies show children are better off from parents divorcing then staying together and watching them hating each other. Look, the PAIN from the affair COULD be temporary, if you let it and show them the way out. But your PRIDE is forever and obviously people who engage in affairs have to be able to deal with the consequences no matter what. Remember if they loved you….. THEY NEVER WOULD HAVE CHEATED…….IMO…..Once they cheated, they chose to end the relationship. They just need to be told by the other person……There’s the door…….

    • Richard

      Do you know how hard it is to find an article that addresses “Telling the Truth”. Most of the stories I read advocate for keeping stuff from your partner, that too much information will only hurt them even more. I think these articles are written by the people who WERE the actual cheaters.
      I can see that if your in a relationship for twenty or thirty years, then there may be beneficial to come clean and see if the relationship is salvageable. But if your only 2 – 3 years in, or are still only “dating” then my advice is…GET OUT. Divide up your possessions and move on. There are 6 billion people in the world, which means approximately 50% are men and the other women. So I am pretty sure if you ended up with a cheater…..they were not the one for you.
      I am with my partner for 15 years. I started to notice some strange and distant behavior. I never would have thought about her cheating on me. Then one day I found pics on her phone. It turns out they started what was an “emotional affair”, but it became of sexual very very fast. We have children so initially I thought we should try to work it out. I am not going to lie, the first few months were the hardest. Then once as I thought things were starting to get better, I discover that she has continued to remain in contact with him. And not only that, I have been burdened with finding out new “details” of the affair, even after I was told “that’s all that happened” and “it was a mistake”. What a mistake that lasted for how many months……sneaking around behind my back. Well I lost it. I wont say all the things I said to her and I will spare the details of what actions I took….Fast forward a few more months….My wife is still different…I cant help but think she is still not happy and perhaps I should let her go. Am I doing her a favor by staying married or a disservice by not letting her go…..I know she is keeping things from me….I want to know but at the same time that means more heartache…But I deserve to know…..and the fact that she wont tell me, is almost more hurtful than the actual affair. I need to get the strength to tell her I cant be with her anymore….that is going to be hard.
      Now if the truth is what you want…then you should get it…………and I would do whatever it takes to get it. I don’t care… I would approach the other person involved and pry them for details. I would go to the other partner (if there is one) and ask them how they feel if they are getting the whole truth… Or what was their story… I would do Everything in my power to find out…..I would NOT HOLD BACK….
      Simply put…. if your “dating” or “living together” then run…. and run fast….. If your married and into it a long time and you actually believe your partner made a “mistake”, or they have convinced you they did…. Then perhaps work on it….But the trust is gone…. The relationship WILL NEVER EVER be the same……People who cheat…..tend to cheat again. The younger they start…. the worse your relationship will be and the amount of stress you add to yourself over the years wondering if it will happen again or worse…find out more and more details… No Truth means No healing. If your with someone you have caught in a lie, then your with a person who is extremely selfish. Swallow your pride and if your partner cheats, you need to let them free. Don’t buy that garbage about them willing to “work on the relationship” because that simply means they are going to do what ever it takes so you don’t kick them out. Well your a fool if you don’t. I was in 15 years and I have endured an experience that has changed me and will haunt me forever. I got out… and I cant tell you how good it feels to be able to breathe again. So ….People start to RESPECT you more when you stand up for yourself. Don’t back down….it will be painful but in the end the rewards are worth it. Find someone who loves you and would not cheat… Everyone deserves that. When you stay with a cheater, you are only hurting yourself…..

    • ImaFool

      I am in the midst of trying to recover from my husband who is a repeat cheater and keeps making excuses as to why he cannot comply with my request for details. The scant details he supplies keep changing in small ways, e-mails to the OW or maybe it was a phone call. My gut tells me there is a distinct chance of more occurrences because he works 1/4 time in the UK and has means and opportunity. I have been giving serious consideration to confronting the OW but cannot do so in person, short of hopping on a plane and going overseas. I am not living life on a day-to-day basis, but rather hour-to-hour as there are many triggers causing me to have a kind of flashback to what he was up to with the OW on the very day he was calling me and telling me he loved me. I do not have a clear path to restoring trust and not sure it will ever come until I get the details and it seems that will not happen. Very sad for me.

    • G3Ken

      That’s the worst part. It’s been 4+!years now and we are (generally) very happy, BUT there are at least 10 different things that taken by themselves MIGHT be believable, but when you add them up, I’d have to be an absolute MORON to believe her.

      I caught one lie after another and she gave me little pieces, but I found so many to be lies. I really want to believe that it was just a emotional relationship and she needed someone to fill a void I wasn’t, but the woman claims that after several years of this they never even discussed how they felt about one another

      She claims she thinks he felt the same way, but didn’t want to ruin it. The stories that are beyond belief are so numerous. If she just told me the truth, I could heal, but I feel so trapped by the lies of the past. How do I get past this. Can I?

    • BeenThere

      You are right to be concerned. You are married to a woman who you clearly adore. I’ve been there and am still with her nearly five years later.

      My wife had an “emotional affair”, or so she tells me with a man she met commuting to work. I only found out because we moved and she was no longer seeing him on her daily commute every day. I saw her texting one night and asked what she was doing. She did admit to texting her friend from the train. I said name and where does this MFer live? She told me, I looked and he was overweight, 15+ years older, bald and not even in the same league as me in terms of looks, so I blew it off as not a threat. A month passed and an ominous feeling overwhelmed me out of nowhere.i started Wed searching and found out how to find out who she was texting. (Can’t do that with iPhone)……yup, one number came up 1000+ times in less than a month

      She denied and threw a tantrum, walking out of the restaurant, leaving me looking stupid. When we got home, I turned on the computer and said “now tell me this is bullshit “. Her face fell feel she knew the jig was up.

      I never got the full story. I know I still have not to this day. I got little bits and pieces over time until all of my evidence, lies, and tricks were used up and I couldn’t get any more out. I know there is more, but like you I WANT to believe.

      I’ve been married to this woman for 30+ years, 25+ when I discovered this relationship. My wife has changed drastically and much of it is faith driven. I have no reason to believe she’s doing anything these days, but I don’t believe I know the truth about the past.

      Your wife is capable of lying and telling you anything. She’s manipulating you with sex and that she knows how much you care. If you didn’t, you’d be gone, dude

      I love my wife and life is good now, but not knowing still eats my insides like cancer at times. I often wish I had the strength to walk away and I’d have moved on to someone else. I used to believe I wouldn’t find anyone else, but I now know I can get more ass than a toilet seat and I still stay. What can I say? I love her.

      I also know if I found out she did it again, well……let’s just say it is best that it never happens again

      Face it now. She lied, continued to, and even still is involved with this guy. I know how bad you must be hurting, but cut your losses. That pain isn’t going away while she is with you and you WILL wonder about every text, every time she is not around etc

      The nicest, seemingly most moral women in the world can be conniving and deceptive.

      I wish you all the best. You can get through it, but trust is going to take you probably MANY, MANY years for you to get back.

      Piece of advice. Get in shape if you aren’t. Rebuild your self esteem (you don’t have any, that’s why you’re still with her – I’ve been there. Make yourself the best version of you that you can possibly be. Start dressing fashionable. You’ll be shocked how good you’ll feel about yourself and how much the ladies will notice. Most guys are scumbags. This way, you’re working on an exit strategy, even if you stay. If it gets to be too.much for you, you can always walk, knowing that you’re a catch and you’ll find something better.

      My wife is a beautiful woman and I was overweight, but had lost a bunch and was back to my premarriage weight when this happened, which shocked me all the more. Women are attracted by different things than we are, so never rule anyone out.

      I’ve been there. I wish I could talk to you and tell you all that I’ve learned. It’s a lot

      Ultimately…..my advice : get out. If you can’t bring yourself to do it, make yourself the best catch you can be and you’ll find an opportunity to go when you’re ready. If she screws you over before that, at least you’ll be in a good place.

      I know I sound cynical and conniving myself. I’m really not. I love my wife to death, but I’ll never 100% trust her and that’s hard. I’ve decided that being happy 95% of the time is enough for me.

      You may or may not

      I wish you luck and all the best. I’ll check back if you post again m

    • Seenrhelight

      As your article says, the longer the cheater goes on lying the harder it is for the betrayed to recover or even care about remaining with the cheater. My situation was just that. He cheated, lied for more than two decades, then decided to tell the “truth”, bits and pieces, changes here and there over a year and a half never being totally honest and no real change in him. It was evident to me he had no intention of changing and I couldn’t and probably will never forgive him for his lack of concern regarding his actions. Divorce was the answer, though he still tries to contact me now and then. I now have a life where I know what’s actually going on and lying and cheating is not a part of it. I wanted to post this for those who have chronic liars and cheaters for spouses/significant others to let them know that there can be a better life without your cheater.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.