After the Betrayal – Should You Stay or Should You Go?

after the betrayalOne of the biggest questions that you will face after a betrayal such as infidelity is whether or not you should stay in the relationship – regardless of how long you have been working through the recovery and healing process. 

I certainly faced that question but made the choice early on to fight for my marriage – though at times I also felt like giving up.

Betrayal causes tremendous pain and damage to any relationship and your feelings about how you want to proceed may evolve as you learn more about your partner’s behavior, how honest he is, how much he owns his part, whether he’s truly sorry, and whether he’s committed to making it right by working to heal your relationship.

You may be wondering if the damage is so severe that it ought to break the two of you up. Perhaps you’re consumed by whether you can afford to leave. Do you think you need to stay because of the children? Are you concerned that you won’t be able to survive the pain if you do choose to stay…or if you choose to leave?

Our experiences have taught us that there is a right answer for each person but no universally right answer. In your heart of hearts and in your gut, you’ll know what’s best for you to do. You might even realize it right away, or it may take you a while to get that clarity. And of course having children with the partner who has betrayed you makes the decision that more difficult.

While only you can decide what’s best for you after the betrayal, I’d like to share some principles and guidelines to help you answer the stay versus go question for yourself.

These suggestions and guidelines are from “The Gift of Betrayal:  How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes” by Eve A. Wood M.D. and are adapted from the book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” by Myra Kirschenbaum.

1. If you’ve never really been happy in the relationship it’s unreasonable to think that you will be in the future.  If it’s never worked, it can’t be fixed.  You deserve more so give yourself that gift.

2. Having children together is not a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. Doing so will teach them to sacrifice joy and self actualization in the same way. Is that the example you want to provide? No studies have ever compared the impact on kids of parents staying together in terrible relationships versus parents in that same situation divorcing.

However, being raised in a toxic environment is destructive to children. If you stay when it’s really too bad for you to do so, your children will learn to do the same thing. Trust that following your heart and your gut will serve you and those you love the best.

3. If your partner won’t come clean and commit to ending the offending behaviors, if he justifies his actions and criticizes you, or if he doesn’t demonstrate true remorse and a desire to heal your pain, the relationship won’t work.  Healing betrayal in a marriage is a painful and arduous process when there is willingness and desire to try to do so on both sides. If the cheater is not honest, sorry, empathetic, and engaged in that process, it’s doomed to failure. Don’t beat a dead horse.

4. If you can no longer respect your partner, there’s no way you can have a satisfying relationship with him.  We can’t be partners if we don’t respect one another.

5. If the crime is so terrible that anyone would have trouble forgiving and forgetting it, it’s unlikely you will be able to do so. You are only human. Don’t hold yourself to a standard no one can live up to.

6.  If your partner wants out, it’s a blessing in disguise – no relationship with an unwilling, unengaged person can serve you.  Remember that you can control you, and only you, so you can’t make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t want a future with you. His betrayal was an outgrowth of his lack of investment. It’s wonderful to be released from a union that can’t possibly serve you. Let yourself see this as a release from bondage. It’s a blessing!

7. If your heart isn’t invested in fixing it, your relationship is already over.  Grasp the gift and get the heck out! You’re allowed to be finished! The betrayal may have been the last straw for you in a  problematic relationship, or it may have served to devastate too much of what you hold dear for you to make it work.

8. If you’re not ready to leave the relationship, it’s not yet time for you to go – with one exception. Many people have to visit their pain and dissatisfaction from multiple angles, and for a long time, before they decide to leave what doesn’t work or stay because it becomes workable. More often than not, those who go for counseling or treatment after the  betrayal do so because they need help getting out…and it can take them as little as a few months – and as long several years – to develop clarity and be ready to leave. Be open to therapy or counseling if you feel stuck here. Many folks need support to get out.

9. If your partner has physically abused you on more than one occasion, you must leave! Your well-being is on the line. This is a life-and-death issue.

10. If you’re involved with a sociopath, your relationship will get worse. The longer you stay in it the more you stand to lose. Cut your losses and move on!

11. It takes two to tango – healing the relationship requires both of you to engage fully. If you both have an inner desire to give it a try, it’s worth doing. This is probably obvious. But keep in mind that if your desire…or his willingness…changes, it’s time to reevaluate your decision.

12. What feels right at first may well change. It can be hard to let go of your hopes, prayers, and dreams when they have been shattered. You may cling to a sinking ship. Conversely, you might find that it’s easier to jump ship when you’ve been betrayed than hang around long enough to figure out if the vessel is actually seaworthy after all.

Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to follow your heart, and to change your mind as often as need be in the process. Think about these questions:

  • What is my pattern?
  • Do I try too hard to make the unworkable work; or do I tend to go whenever the going gets tough?
  • How might I be enacting my ongoing dynamic now?
  • Do I need help to figure out where I stand?

Please be open to help and surprise!  Ultimately, your inner wisdom will be your guide and you will figure out the right answer for you!

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67 Responses to After the Betrayal – Should You Stay or Should You Go?

  1. overwhelmed June 21, 2013 at 9:32 am #

    Sinking ship Cling-on here.

    If only we didn’t have kids… I’m at a place now where I would have left for certain. I’ve thought this over countless times, but I cannot bear to leave my children. She’s living here with us, but is not with us. It’s an incredibly difficult situation. I cannot physically or legally throw here out, but don’t believe she has a right to be living here while still openly seeing the OM. She must be the one to leave. So we’re at a stalemate.

    However, she has not been spending time with him and I have removed the software from her PC so I don’t really know what’s going on.

    In many ways, removing the spy software was one of my smartest moves. While I’m now more or less in the dark, the pain caused by reading their conversations has been replaced by renewed strength, a HUGE reduction in my own grief and on overall better outlook on life for myself.

    Words of wisdom for anyone considering spying: Get the info you need and shut it down before it’s too late. You would not believe how incredibly addicting spying can become, especially when you are in the heightened state of emotion that we all experience while trying to shake our spouses out of the fog.

    • Tryinghard June 21, 2013 at 10:23 am #

      You need to get info from a lawyer. No one should be held hostage in a relationship, children or not. Many times people have to coexist while going through the divorce process. Most states give both parents joint custody. You won’t lose you children unless you’re some kind of drug crazed sociopath.

      Why are you sticking around when you know she is continuing the affair? Because of the kids is not a good answer. As long as you agree with the status quo she is going to continue with the affair. Make the move to get rid of the relationship. You can’t keep waiting for her to see the light, come to her senses etc. good luck my friend

  2. Mona Lisa June 21, 2013 at 11:44 am #

    Over whelmed,
    When someone continues to prove what they are…. Believe them. She will continue to treat you this way as long you allow it. Wishing the best for you and your children!!

  3. overwhelmed June 21, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

    Thanks.
    There are additional problems, such as the business I run our of the house. No small task moving all the tools and hardware and workbenches to somewhere new.
    Also, I will not abandon my children. If I leave, that’s what I will be doing. I am the only buffer between them and this crazed person who is my wife-ish.

  4. Strengthrequired June 21, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

    I understand completely overwhelmed. I hope your situation begins yo improve soon.

  5. Rachel June 21, 2013 at 8:32 pm #

    Overwhelmed,
    Why do you have to move? Your wife is the cheating spouse, let her move.

  6. CJ June 22, 2013 at 5:51 pm #

    Overwhelmed,

    I’m right there with you. My husband has not ended his affair even 7 months after discovery. He won’t divorce me for financial reasons. I have asked him not to keep coming here (he travels all the time) but he pops in unannounced for a day or two to see the kids. It is unbearable for me.

    I want to try to reconcile but he says NO WAY. I don’t really believe in divorce…I meant what I said when I married him 22 years ago – better or worse. I also can’t forget how happy we were at one time. He is here now and it has been a very difficult day for me – thank goodness he leaves tomorrow.

    I know that he isn’t coming back but I haven’t totally given up on him – I can’t do that yet. The kids know what he is doing and tell me they don’t approve yet they are kids and they enjoy that he comes home to do the fun things while I’m left with daily maintenance and repairs. Today they spent the whole day on the boat while I tore out rotten wood and prepped for the painting task that “hasn’t been a priority” since he started his affair (I think it is moving into it’s 3rd year).

    He has said all sorts of ridiculous things that I believe he says to make me divorce him. He even told me his girlfriend doesn’t want him to divorce since she doesn’t want to be a “homewrecker” (wish I could slap her flat while telling her that she’s already done that!).

    Anyway I’m going to stick it out some more at least until the 1-year mark for discovering his lie. I look at him anymore and ask “Who are you?” When he’s gone, I almost lull myself into believing everything will work out and he’ll come home to me – then he shows up and “BAM” reality kicks me in the head.

    Like you, I think that the one who cheated should be the one to leave after all it’s the faithful who have kept the home going during all the crap.

    • forcryin'outloud June 24, 2013 at 9:26 am #

      Force him to leave “for real.” Change the locks, box up all his stuff and put it outside. Then go see a lawyer to determine your options. This man is demonstrating and modeling horrible behavior for your children.
      I look back at the behavior I allowed my CS to demonstrate and I’m disgusted with myself. My child who is now an adolescent periodically ask why I allowed Dad to treat me like that. I never have a “good” answer because there isn’t one.

    • Rachel June 25, 2013 at 1:10 pm #

      Cj
      Don’t take this abuse from your H. This is EMOTIONAL ABUSE!
      you and your children don’t deserve this!
      Get professional advise from an attorney. Most don’t charge for the consultation fee. Bring a notebook with prepared questions.
      If you have a bank account with just your name, take the money out and hide it.
      Please, you are a better person then him. He has the problem!!! And there is a light at the end of this horrible tunnel. Good luck!

  7. livingonafence June 24, 2013 at 7:43 am #

    #3 – If they won’t commit to ending the behavior. IE – If they are still having the affair, LEAVE. There is no relationship when your spouse is letting another in. For whatever reason, they have lost respect for us, the BS, and the marriage. Staying after you know about the OP is not going to help that situation. Do NOT be an option in your marriage.

  8. Strengthrequired June 24, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

    My h and I had a wonderful discussion the other morning. I was say ing to him how similar the ow are in so many ways. I told him how they all do and say the same things.
    He said, really do they’ll exaggerate what the cs says about the w, do they throw it in the cs face about why do they stay with a w that treats him so terribly, and how they will love them the way they deserve to be loved?
    I told him yes, he goes, they must all read the same book then.
    He was telling me how she would Say ti him how she never wanted to have charity given to her, that she can support herself, next breathe she would ask him for help. He even told her that, you always seem to have your hand out for something.
    She had told my h , when they first started out ” you don’t have any say in what my children do, they have a father”. He said that’s fine by me.
    Next thing she says a bit further on “I want you to treat my children the same way you treat your children”. He said I don’t think so, I’m not their father, they are not my responsibility, my children are my children.
    Another time, she said to my h “you have to give my children money, the same as you do for your children”. He couldn’t believe it.
    I said to him, she knew you were struggling with paying our bills, business bills, feeding your family etc, and she still wanted money from you, because she thought it was your responsibility to help pay for her family too. He said she didn’t care about how I was managing everything, how I was stressing and working hard to keep my business afloat etc, she was only looking out for-herself.
    He told me how each time she would mention his w and kids, he said I would flip, he said, he hated how she would get him going, he would get angry with her, she had him raising his voice so much, he would cop everything. He said he never ever spoke ti me how he spoke to her, never. He said she would scream and yell, he said you never did that.
    He mentioned how every time he had a go at her, (all over the phone) she would tell him she had to have her anxiety pills because she couldn’t handle it.
    I said yeh right, do you honestly think she would have, she just wanted to make you feel bad, for the argument, and manipulate you into keeping your ea going. He said he did feel bad, even though she would start it.
    He told me he had always told her, that he was never going to divorce me, I was his w and it was going to change, she would always try and convince him otherwise.
    He thought because she was his cousin that, he had to try and get her to leave him, because he was going to be the bad person with all the family, that’s why he still kept the contact, she would tell him she couldn’t live without him, so he would worry she would hurt herself, and everyone would blame him.
    He even told me that she would always want him, he knows that. I said then why haven’t you told her you don’t want anything to do with her? He said because he was worried she would be hurt to much, didn’t know what she was capable of, he said he was hoping she would get the hint.
    I asked what happens if she decides to come and see you again or call you, he said I will be very cold towards her, but he doesn’t think she will, she has moved, he dioesnt know where she is and doesn’t want to know and she hasn’t told him either.
    He said life is definately not greener in the other side, that’s for sure, he said she has two heads, one which is the side she wants you to believe she is, the other’s the real her, the one that comes out after she thinks she has won, the crazy one.
    I said to him they all do that, make out they are better than what they really are. That’s how they trap the man. I also told him that she has alot of emotional baggage, to which he agreed, he just couldn’t handle it, he isn’t into that sort of life.
    He said it has always been you, always. He was angry at everything when it started, he never meant for it to happen, but he never planned on leaving me, he couldn’t.
    He said he does feel sorry for her, because if her life, because she was not like that when she was young.
    He said he never kicked alot of the answers she would give him when he would question her, she never had an answer. Especially to the one where if it was her he was cheating on would she have stayed. She said no, I would kick your ass out and never want to see you again. He said, and you do that to someone you love.? She couldn’t answer that. He said my w loves me, she chose to fight for our family, that’s love.
    I said well no wonder she decided she was going to keep on fighting to keep you in her life.
    He said he could never trust her with the rest of his life, not like he can with me.
    I told him how many ow believe that their love is stronger than the w, they think that it is their right to take the w life, because they want the w life and her family, they get shocked when they realize that it isn’t the case.
    Honestly it felt good the way we talked that morning. It was a nice and calm conversation.
    I did tell him, that if he does hear from her or see her again, he needs to tell her to P off, because she doesn’t know how to read between the lines.
    One thing he did say, was he believes she knew deep down he wasn’t going to leave his family, she just wanted to keep trying to change his mind, and she didn’t want ti believe that he didn’t really want her.

  9. livingonafence June 25, 2013 at 7:16 am #

    SR, that’s interesting.Did you question why your H saw love as staying after being horribly betrayed? Did you ask why he cared after cheating that you loved him but not before?
    You didn’t prove your love for him by staying. You proved you’d rather live with him than without him.
    It sounds like you passed some test that OW failed. Sorry, but to me that’s pretty insulting. Maybe I’m reading it wrong.

  10. Strengthrequired June 25, 2013 at 8:02 am #

    Loaf, maybe the way I had written my post came out that way, but I was actually pleased to hear that he knew the difference between the love I have for him and what she was telling him about the love she apparently has.
    I wasn’t insulted at all, but relieved to hear that she was just wrong for him. It was like a confirmation to me that how I handled the situation if him being “in fantasy land”. Was the right way, as I knew with her in his ear telling him things about me, through his depression etc, he couldn’t clearly see what was going on, but little things were coming more clearer the longer he got to know her and instead of me leaving him, but standing by him, she didn’t have that “see she doesn’t care for you” as a weapon against me, I knew my h would have taken it as though I didn’t care. Him saying this proved to me that he noticed how much I do love him.
    I definately wasn’t upset. It has taken a king time to get any sort of information from my h, his opening up without any hesitation was a huge step forward.
    Knowing that he knows that life with her wouldn’t work is also a good feeling, he just didn’t know how to let her go without his while family getting involved and angry at him, which I understand how he would feel that, because his family can be very intimidating to say the least.
    I am not insulted, I know how my h was, what he was going through, it wasn’t him, he was trying to sort everything outnin his head, yet at the time he was an emotional mess.
    I’m just glad to know that he knows I am the better person, that he sees “now” what she really wanted, was someone to support her and her children.
    Then point of my post was not to make my h look like a creep, it was something that I had been waiting fir and just wanted to share it with you, because I finally felt like we made itmtoma point where my h just freely opened up. When I first started the conversation, I didn’t expect him to just sport out a while heap of information, but he did, and for him to say all this out loud I think actually helps him too see what she really is.
    I’m happy my h felt like he could share something’s without worrying how I would react.

    • overwhelmed June 25, 2013 at 8:41 am #

      I’m very happy to hear this SR. I’ve told my wife several times that she really doesn’t now what love is. I’ve explained that true love is loving beyond all faults, despite all adversity and she cannot see this. The fog is so heavy she doesn’t realize that what I’m doing, all of my struggles for the past 7 months have been driven by love. Love for her and love for my family. “In good times and in bad, and in really really bad, til death do we part.”

      Hearing those same words your husband told you from my wife would make me happier that I’ve been in a long time.

      I hope things continue to improve for you.

      • Strengthrequired June 25, 2013 at 9:05 am #

        Thank you overwhelmed, I just really wanted to hear him say something to me that shows me he sees that his ow was not all he thought she was, that once she felt as though she had “won” him, her true self started to emerge.
        All the demands, all the manipulation, all started to reveal itself. My h as never been one to like drama in his life, neither of us have, but she was full of drama. Knowing that he sees that she is somewhat psychotic showed him that his life with me is pretty damn good.
        I knew she wanted my life, but to expect my h to treat her kids as if they are his, and he hadn’t even left me, and he told her, he wasn’t going to leave me or his kids for her or anyone. She was trying to force her family and herself onto him, to make him responsible for them. It blows my mind to think there are women out there that are so desperate. If they were married, then of course, he would be taking on that parental role for her kids, but not before.
        She wanted to push our kids out of his life and hers into it.
        I don’t get it overwhelmed, why some people are happy at destroying people’s lives to make something of their own.
        My h told me that there were many times, she would say something against someone for something, then she would do the same thing and think it was ok because she did it.
        I do hope your w wakes up soon, it can take a long time though, which sometimes can end up to late when they do wake up.

        • overwhelmed June 25, 2013 at 10:18 am #

          Honestly, I don’t know that she will ever wake up. She’s been living with him now for another 5 days and has only spoken to the kids twice and not seen them since Friday. I really don’t understand how a mother could possibly do that. I’m “only” a father and I can’t bear the thought of being away from my kids. (I say “only” meaning that I did not have the privilege of giving birth to them.)

          • Strengthrequired June 26, 2013 at 3:41 am #

            Overwhelmed, when my h was at the beginning of his ea, he barely saw his kids, it was like they never existed, yet I couldn’t understand it because he was always happy to see his kids, his ow would also barely spend time with her kids, just to get her claws into him. They couldn’t have their fantasy if kids were around. Kids become more of an inconvenience to their relationship.
            It disgusted me, this woman wanted to raise my kids, I dont think so.
            Your wife will eventually see the real om, maybe living with him is the fastest way for her to see it, unfortunately you and your kids suffer in the meantime.
            I won’t ever understand how a mother can leave her children, yet I’m so glad that your children have you in their life, you are their rock, your a great dad, it will be you who will have the respect from your children, your wife will be the one that will have to make amends, and won’t be easy.
            Take care overwhelmedmi truly wish you all the best.

  11. Strengthrequired June 25, 2013 at 8:48 am #

    My h isn’t a bad person, he is a good man, he lost his way and made a terrible choice, mistake whatever you want o call it, one he didn’t know how to get out of. He has never done anything like this before, it was completely out of his character.
    I’m so glad he saw how much I loved him, thats what I wanted him to see, I needed him to see it, it also shows me that how I handled his ea was the right way for me at the time. I don’t have any regrets now.

    • Blue June 25, 2013 at 9:45 am #

      SR, I agree that you handled your situation the way that was best for you at the time. You seem like a very loving person, HE is so lucky to have you SR!!!!!!!!! So is your family, for you are the true warrior that fought for them. It sure is a long hard series of battles but each one hopefully makes you stronger.

      • Strengthrequired June 26, 2013 at 2:46 am #

        Blue, I thank you fir those kind words, your words mean a lot. I think of it this way, if I didn’t fight fir my family, who would? I can’t expect someone else to fight, it was upto me, and the thought if having another woman taking my children off me, having this woman that ruined my marriage take my children too, having her anywhere near them was something I wouldn’t have been able to handle. Just knowing this woman wanted my life, a life she didn’t deserve, just pushed me to keep on fighting. My children needed me to be thenone to fight for them, especially since their father couldn’t, nit until he was in his right frame of mind. So it was upto me.
        I shudder to think how my children would have been having her in their life. I truly feel sick just thinking about it.

  12. livingonafence June 25, 2013 at 9:45 am #

    If you’re happy with the outcome, that’s all that matters.

  13. PenelopeC June 25, 2013 at 11:27 am #

    SR…thanks for your story. I am in the exact spot as Overwhelmed (except female). My husband has been off and on with the OW for 2 years. It’s been 9 mos since DDay. We have come a very long way in that time- from him barely being able to speak to me due to his shame, to being able to be friends, to the point where he drags his feet and dawdles when it’s time for him to leave and go back to where he stays part-time with her.

    I am curious about what the tipping point was for your husband? What allowed him to let go of the OW and get out of the fog?

    • livingonafence June 25, 2013 at 12:14 pm #

      I’m curious – why did you decide to stay with him when he continued to see her, and why do you still continue to do so? I don’t say that to pick at you. I’m genuinely curious about why people don’t tell the cheater to leave.

    • Strengthrequired June 26, 2013 at 3:21 am #

      Penelope, my h needed to see her for what she really was, he needed time to do that. However I believe it was when we were separated for a month at the start if his ea, he realized that he couldn’t be without me or his children, so he moved back home.
      However, he still had tomwork on why he had the feelings he had, he knew he felt sorry for her, but he also didn’t want to hurt her, because she had told him how bad her marriage was. She would tell him things that kept him there thinking she would possibly hurt herself etc. The worst problem for me was tha she is a relative of his, which made it much more harder to get rid of her, because of their family ties. He would have had all his family come down on him if anything happened to her.
      He would always tell her that he wasn’t leaving his wife and kids for her or for anyone, yet she would get hysterical and try and convince him otherwise, by guilt tripping him.
      Honestly I could never gi through this again, it’s too heart wrenching.
      It hasn’t been very long since he stopped his communication with her, so really it took a year to get her out of our lives, one long depressing year.
      If your h is living with her part time, have you not told him to make a decision? If he is dragging his feet going back to her, then why is he? By the sounds of it, he is having doubts about his relationship with the ow, maybe he is starting to hear her whining and whinging, wanting him to choose her over his family, and he just can’t let you go, and he is most likely realizing it. I don’t know for sure only a thought about why he would be dragging his feet.
      Remember once that fog lifts, the fantasy is no linger fulfilling, the real person starts to emerge, it often isn’t very pretty. Maybe with him living with her, he has started to see her true colours

  14. exercisegrace June 25, 2013 at 12:06 pm #

    I don’t honestly know what I would have done if I had caught my husband DURING the affair and he had been unable to choose. If he had wanted to waffle between the two of us. I LIKE to think I would have made him leave. I like to think I would have MADE the choice FOR him.

    But I don’t really know. Prior to this mess I would have called you crazy if you told me I would live nearly two years suspecting an affair I had no proof of, and feeling like I was close to having a nervous breakdown. Functioning at minimum levels at times.

    What I DO know, is what I said over and over to my best friend. And that is this…….at the end of it all, I want to be able to stand before my pastor, my counselor, and most importantly GOD and say I did my very best. I tried to be the wife I am called to be. I truly tried to fix whatever issues he said were going on, even the ones that sounded petty. If this marriage ends, it will be of HIS choosing. Not because of anything I did or did not do.

  15. livingonafence June 25, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

    EG I know what I’d do. My H had ended his A, and I stil threw him out after a week when he continued to act like it was no big deal.
    I wasn’t about to stay with anyone that thought lying to me was not an issue, or that thought having a girlfriend wasn’t a problem.
    I’m reading stories about waiting and being the ‘good’ one. I wouldn’t play that game. I wouldn’t wait for my spouse to pick me because they decided the OW wasn’t so great. What if the next one is great?
    No thanks. If my H can’t pick ME, then he can go right now.

  16. Gizfield June 25, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

    Wow, I would not be able to do that, with him knowingly going to stay with another woman, the n coming back. I know the very first discussion we had after his “reveal” I made a comment of some sort that he interpreted to mean that it would be ok for him to be married to and live with me while “dating” his girlfriend. Really, dude?? Uh, hell no. If I had even thought he would have continued to talk to this broad I would have divorced him. And I still will if I ever catch him again. With anyone. No questions asked…

  17. tryinghard June 25, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

    I can say no to all the points with the exceptions of 4 & 5. His affair was supremely egregious. It was a PA and EA, went on for 4 years and lots of lies and money. I lost my business during that time, my son was having marital problems, and I had a couple of health issues. Yep during all that my beloved was having a torrid affair with no guilt what so ever because he thought he deserved it. There is sooo much to forgive and almost two years out am still trying to wrap my head around it. I still can’t grasp the fact that my life was NOT what I thought it was. I find no problem with the people who think I am a fool for staying. They are probably right.

    I think the first year I was in shock. Yes the whole time. I was fighting for my life literally and figuratively. In a way I was fighting for his life too. I think my H would have done something very desperate had I taken him through the hell of divorce. I still feel that divorce is an option. Maybe I’m the one where it will take many months to decide. Also if the “changed” him doesn’t stick around and I see signs of the “old” him re-emerge, I’m out! I’m afraid it will be the tiniest straw that will break this camel’s back.

    I respect my H in so many ways but in moral and character aspects I have lost respect. Maybe that will come back if I see the “new and improved” man is here to stay. It will take time. I’m not there yet.

    Number 8. I’m not ready to leave yet. There are so many reasons to stay and so many reasons to leave. I’m not there and I may never be there. I do know I will know it if or when it’s time to leave. My H knows that I may leave too. He tries to make me promise I won’t and I reassure him that for now I’m hear but I am still on shaky ground. He’s says he understands and that he doesn’t deserve me. Well he’s right on that. Many people like to remind him of that too.

    I have the book Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay. It’s next on my list. Right now I am reading Scott Hultzman’s book. Very good. He also has a website called drscott.com. As I’m sure with all of you reading and learning is my way of trying to come up with the answers my H seem incapable of giving me. I’m getting there.

  18. livingonafence June 25, 2013 at 1:39 pm #

    To those claiming that staying ‘proves’ your love for your spouse:
    Those of us that leave, or would leave if it continued, or whatever the reasons, we also love our spouses. We also love ourselves enough to not be treated with such contempt and disrespect. Staying is not a show of love any more than leaving is a show of no love. Leaving means you don’t value the relationship more than you value yourself. Leaving means you don’t want to be involved with a person that is cheating. It is not in any way a reflection of love. If it were, it wouldn’t hurt so badly.

    • tryinghard June 25, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

      LOTF

      OMG this is so right. That’s exactly how I feel and you just very wisely put it into great words. I do love him and I know he loves me. I told him the other night that I knew he loved me, never doubted it. I also said I know he loved me even when he was having the affair. He agreed. Loving each other was NEVER the question. Obviously he wanted to keep me around, for what ever reason, because he went to great lengths to keep his secret. What he didn’t do is respect/value the relationship. He seems to now, meh..

      So this is the real “forest”! It’s not if I want him or do I love him, it’s do I want to continue this marital relationship with him. No matter what I do the love will always be there. JEEESH my expensive marriage counselor never put it like this. This is really a light bulb moment for me.

      I need to preface. I have a very blessed life. I do see changes in my H. Good positive changes, but is it too late? That 500lb gorilla refuses to die. You are right, even if we divorce I will always love him but/and will my life be better without him? Will I finally have some peace? Maybe I would find someone who is totally in love with me and I with him? Maybe I will have the pleasure of that dopamine rush again before I die? Maybe that guy is just around the corner waiting to worship the ground I walk on??? AND BEST OF ALL: Maybe I would even be able to read something other than infidelity books? 🙂 You’re awesome, ALL of you are awesome.

    • Strengthrequired June 25, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

      Loaf, this was not what I was saying for everyone, it was about me. I know the way my h was, and yes we did have a month apart, before he moved back home at the beginning.
      He left not with me telling him to leave it was mutual.
      However, it was me who had to prove to him that whatever he thought about me not loving him during his mind not being quite right, I knew he wasn’t himself. For my h that was one of the many things that showed him, me not giving up on my family while everything was a disaster zone. It was about my h and I not how anyone feels, it’s about how showed him.
      Posse don’t take it as something I think everyone should feel or do, because for me I didn’t have a clue what to do, how to react or anything, I was clueless.
      All I knew was, it wasn’t my h and I needed to help him anyway I could. I had to help my family.
      During our break apart I gave him that space, but he also knew then I wasn’t going to give up on him, and I wasn’t going to make it easy for the ow.
      I know I definately couldnt go through this again, so my approach won’t be the same, I won’t be the one anymore that was trying to prove the love I have, I won’t be trying to knock sense into anyone to wake them up.
      So LOAF, it was about me and my h, what he chose to see in me, not what anyone should or shouldnt do to get their h back or spouse back. There are no right or wrong answers here, it’s all a load of shit we have been dragged into.
      Your a strong woman, I see that in you, I know you didn’t give up on your h, i admire you and your strength. Me I was a blubbering mess, I was, to be completely honest. We both found strength we probably never knew existed.

    • Saw the Light (formerly Roller Coaster Rider) July 25, 2013 at 8:32 pm #

      Amen.

      • Saw the Light (formerly Roller Coaster Rider) July 25, 2013 at 8:36 pm #

        I am strongly seconding what LOAF said. But sometimes it can take time to really wake up and smell the (Oh, wish it was coffee, or roses, but turns out it’s just plain old crap)…
        Every situation is different. Every marriage is different. But somehow, every instance of adultery seems so very similar. And in my case, it took nearly four decades of selfishness, deceit and manipulation before I finally got it. Guess I’m just a very slow learner.

  19. Strengthrequired June 25, 2013 at 6:45 pm #

    TH, your right she is awesome and so are you and everyone here. We have all been and some still or even just starting to go through their own nightmare. Everyone here had strong love for their spouses, that’s why we are all here and have all been deeply hurt, yet we all show strength.
    I guess I started something with me wanting to share part of my conversation, I was just so thrilled to have made some more progress, as I have seen from so many others, I just wanted to share, as I have no one else, except you all.

    • overwhelmed June 25, 2013 at 7:17 pm #

      SR, and I thank you for that. If for no other reason than making me feel good that at least someone is making progress. And it makes me happy and gives hope where there is none.

    • livingonafence June 25, 2013 at 7:22 pm #

      I’m glad you shared!! Thank you for doing so. It isn’t always easy. It’s your story, and if it’s right for you then that’s all that matters. We don’t have to agree on everything, but I for one support every BS on this site AT ALL TIMES. Well, no. If you are being abused, emotionally or physically, and you will NOT leave, then I will tell you to leave. I won’t support abuse. You aren’t abused. You are happy about something that happened. There’s nothing more anyone here could ask for!!

      • Strengthrequired June 25, 2013 at 11:36 pm #

        Thank you both overwhelmed and loaf.
        Overwhelmed, I do hope things improve for you, just please try not to lose yourself, I know I did lose some of me through all of this, so I am trying to find me again. With then help of everyone here of course. I truly wish none of us were here having to deal with infidelity at all.

        LOAF, my h ow used her as being a abused wife by her h as a way of getting him on her side, she knew he would feel sorry and bad for her, and he did. He wanted to only help her at first by being their as a support to help her get her life on track after leaving her h. She kept using it to keep my h feeling sorry for her, he didn’t want to hurt her because of what she told him she had been through with her 20yr marriage. She lived off my h pity and used it to her own advantage.

    • Tryinghard June 26, 2013 at 9:44 am #

      SR
      You are such a good hearted person. You are trying so hard to make thing work for your husband and your family. I hope he appreciates you. I think we all have our own levels of how much we can take in these situations but it is our business. I think you are awesome too. Hang in there. Many cyber hugs to you!

      • Strengthrequired June 26, 2013 at 5:56 pm #

        TH, thank you, I appreciate your kind words. I hope you hang in there too, and your h appreciates what he has with you, you deserve happiness everyone here does.
        Loads of cyberspace hugs to you

  20. Gizfield June 25, 2013 at 10:44 pm #

    Happy D-Anniversary to me. I dont like the D Day term so I made up my own. Four years ago today, my husband pulled his hand away from me. He told me he did not want to be married any more, he was not happy, he had not been happy for YEARS. He was “in love with someone else and she is in love with me”. I cussed him, stormed out, and left for the night. The next day he retracted the “in love with someone else” story. He never left, at least voluntarily. I am glad we are together now, but I would not want to be with the jerk he was then. He is now a sweet, loving man who puts his marriage and family first. Tonight, he cooked dinner and told me to take a nap. And paid my car payment for me. Without me asking, lol. He wants to go to our daughter’s events, and is her favorite chauffeur. He is just a different person now, thank God.

    • overwhelmed June 26, 2013 at 10:09 am #

      Will you have your husband call my wife please? Be sure to monitor the call though. 😉

      • tryinghard June 26, 2013 at 11:29 am #

        Overwhelmed
        LOL we would all love to call your wife and tell her what a fool she is being. Did I read in a prior thread that you are filing for divorce from her? MY DIL is doing the same thing. She is a real “grass is greener on the other side”. My son is fed up and is divorcing. She wanted to move to another state and take their son. My son got good representation and they went to court the other day. The judge literally laughed at her and told her she needed to grow up and move back to the state in which her son lived if she wanted any kind of custodial rights. She’s an idiot too. I was sad the first time they had marital problems back in 07 but now I want her gone. Have known her since she and he were in high school but she is someone I no longer know. Good riddance to yesterday’s trash!!! BTW he is seeing someone else and is very happy about getting her out of his life. They still have to be cordial but it is only for their son and it’s working for them. You will be fine too. You can’t go on living like this! It’s not good for anyone.

        • overwhelmed June 26, 2013 at 12:04 pm #

          I can’t file just yet. I’m just not ready. 🙁

          • Strengthrequired June 26, 2013 at 7:13 pm #

            I was thinking about an old saying:

            Where there is hope, there is a way.

            I believe that.

          • Disappointed June 26, 2013 at 10:55 pm #

            I know the feeling. and the ow separated from her h….

  21. Strengthrequired June 25, 2013 at 11:40 pm #

    I don’t know if congratulations are in order about d- anniversary gizfield. Lol. So I will say thank god it is getting further away from dday for you. I’m so happy that your happy now with your h being in a better place and a better h and father. You deserve it. You are an inspiration.

  22. Gizfield June 25, 2013 at 11:50 pm #

    Thank you, SR ! I’ve been not looking forward to today but it wasn’t that bad.was really busy at work today and he was so sweet tonight I decided not to let it ruin my day. We are all in the living room together, hanging out, even the cat. The dog is outside, lol, shes as big as an elephant. I wish yougood luck with your family as well !

  23. Strengthrequired June 26, 2013 at 12:37 am #

    Thankyou too gizfield, I had a day like that on Monday, all my kids and my h all just lounging around in the living room watching videos. It was nice, and the kids love it, they just lay all over their dad. It’s really nice, I like to see them happy.

  24. tweet June 26, 2013 at 12:11 pm #

    Giz,
    My second D-day anniversary is on Sunday, June 30. My oldest daughter’s first wedding anniversary is on July 1 – she married the day after D-day + 1year. I had to go through that first anniversary with a smile on my face, making everyone believe that my relationship with my husband was not just OK, but amazing. It worked then, but I continue to have such a hard time reconciling the two dates, I am so happy for her, yet still so sad that my own marriage ended up this way. I am the mother of three amazing girls, yet I new always worry that the men in my girls’ lives will betray them. The fallout of infidelity is just so huge and so far-reaching into every aspect of our lives.

  25. InTheFog July 24, 2013 at 4:10 am #

    I was the CS involved with a married man. We had an affair for two years and in the end as much as he said he wanted me and his marriage was unhappy, he wasn’t going to change that. So I decided to start the process of getting over him. I left my OH, because whatever life was going to throw at me, our relationship was bad news. He was controlling, selfish and manipulative. He never knew about my EA/PA.
    I’ve gone on to meet a lovely single guy (one of my best friends from school) and we have a wonderful life together. He knows all about my EA/PA and understands how it came about, and is aware that as much as I’m not ‘that kind of girl’ it did happen- I reiterate earlier comments, it can happen to ANYONE.
    Returning to the post though, if the relationship is in essence a happy one with both partners feeling supported by the other I can see how staying together might work. That said, if I’m completely honest I don’t see how you get over your other half being in love with someone else. To me, a physical or emotional affair are as bad as each other- in both cases the person gives a personal part of themselves to someone with which they are not betrothed. And this is to the detriment of their marriage (or LTR).
    For me, having been the CS I know there is no way I could get over what I did and stay with that person- not to do with guilt, but because the point of marriage (or committed LTRs) is to be a joint force, being together being greater than the sum of the two parts. That’s what love is. To have ‘love-like feelings’ seeping away elsewhere, in my book, is contrary to what love means.
    Was I in love? I don’t know. It had elements of love, but it didn’t have the stability and consistency of what I have now with my fiancée.
    If your OH is genuinely sorry and you feel you can forgive then maybe it would stand a reasonable chance, but that’s a lot of ifs and buts.

    • tryinghard July 24, 2013 at 10:53 am #

      In the Fog
      Glad to see you came out of your “fog” and are finding happiness. I love how we give innocuous terms to bad behavior. Fog is such a cute term. Poems have been written about fog and how it comes in on “little cat’s paws”. Fogs are mysterious and romantic. What is so romantic about bad behavior? I digress.

      You question betrayed spouses for trying to move forward with out mates as if marriage is some kind of entity by itself. Marriage is a contract both morally and legally. It is two people that agree to a marriage. Without one or the other, there is no marriage. Marriages don’t have a life of their own. In a relationship where one is cheating and keeping it a secret, the other person in the relationship trusts their mate. They may see strange behavior and chalk it up to work because we “know” they wouldn’t cheat. They are good to us. They buy us presents and laugh with us. Go to the movies and out to dinner with friends. They enjoy their family holidays with all their family around. They make love to us. We chalk up any red flags as our own insecurity or being a “drama queen”.

      Life gets busy, maybe enough attention isn’t given, people change, people come on to us and our mates, and before you know it they/we are in a situation that is way out of control. I truly don’t believe people plan to have an affair.

      You wonder why we want to try to fix our relationships and stay together and YET you chose to carry on an emotional and physical affair with a person that was unavailable to you for TWO YEARS. That’s not a mistake, that’s a recurring choice you made. That’s a lifestyle. Instead of questioning why two people who have financial binds, family, personal history, and yes real love not jump in a seedy hotel or in the back of the car kind of “love” but true love, choose to stay together and try again and make things work, is baffling to me. It makes me wonder if you really and truly learned anything from your bad life choices. Not judging, just reading your post. Hell yes this is difficult. So is dieting and exercising, but the end results make all the hard work worth it.

      Sounds to me you still down deep want to believe that your married man REALLY loved you more than he loved his wife. After all he told you so right? He really was terribly unhappy in his relationship with her right, after all he told your so, right? He was only a liar to her, right? Here’s a little note to self for you, HE’S WITH HIS WIFE NOT YOU. He did not love you otherwise he would be with you. You were not his soul mate, otherwise he would be with you. He lied to you, HE’S A LIAR. You were someone easy for him to use for his own selfish needs and when you became too inconvenient or tiring, he dumped you. You were easy. I hope you won’t EVER allow yourself to be used again. No woman deserves that. WE need to be in control of our own bodies and minds. You gave yourself away for nothing.

      Not saying this to be mean. I truly hope you have found happiness with your new man and have done some character evaluations on yourself. But unless you understand the reality of choosing to be with someone else before you leave your present relationship, it’s going to happen again. Affairs even happen in happy marriages. It’s not about not ever wanting to be with someone else or that the man you are with presently meets all your needs because that is just not reality. It’s about character. Your character. It’s about right and wrong.

      When my H first came out with the truth he kept saying, well actually yelling, “get a boyfriend”. Well if anyone needed their ego boosted or a lover at the time IT WAS ME!!! And yet I didn’t because the last thing I wanted was to bring someone else into my mess of a life. OK so your H was abusive, controlling, blah, blah, whatever. You had a choice. You could have left him first and you didn’t. You chose to have an affair while pretending to be committed in your present relationship and with another married person. You may have hurt your married man’s wife with your participation in the affair, but I think you hurt yourself more. You are the one who has to look herself in the mirror and know who and what her choices has made her. The BS doesn’t, she’s only a fool. You don’t know her or their relationship. You only know what a liar has told you. I hope you are never that dumb again.

      I do wish you luck and maybe I’ve misread the gist of your comment but I don’t think so.

  26. Gizfield July 24, 2013 at 11:27 am #

    Tell it like it is, Trying hard. I’m not specifically commenting on in the fogs post, but I personally dont believe in any fog myself. Just bad behavior. When I was a cheater, I was never unaware of what I was doing and that it was wrong. Ever. Did it anyway.

  27. forcryin'outloud July 24, 2013 at 2:18 pm #

    Exactly TH and Giz – My H said he did it because he thought he could and never get found out. How did that work for him? ALL cheaters are liars and yes that includes my H!!!! I love a liar and it sucks but at least I know who he is now. His ugliness is in the light. OW/OM need to stop deluding themselves that they took control of their lives and got away from the cheater, like you are suddenly “above” the cheaters behavior. You helped them be a cheater!!!!

  28. tryinghard July 24, 2013 at 2:56 pm #

    Giz and FCOL
    Sooo did you guys get the same message I did out of Fog’s post?? I was afraid I misunderstood, but I don’t think so. Seriously taking any advice from an OW about whether to stay or not stay with a spouse is crazy for her to think anyone here would take it seriously. Especially given the triteness of her comment. I heard, long story short, “your husband fell in love with someone else while he was married to you so you are stupid to stay with the guy”. Oh yeah if we are so stupid what are you????Oh yeah that’s right they know our husbands better than we do.BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Honey you don’t know ANYONE that well till you’ve had to shout the racing stripes from their boxers!!! You may be spreading your legs for them and buying their lies, but that only makes you a convenient and pathetic receptacle!

    And Giz, good for you owning up, taking responsibility for your actions. Jeeez what is with all the panty waists in this country that insist on blaming their behavior on some kind of mental incapacity or worse other people. You’re an asshole, own up to it and change.

    • Strengthrequired July 24, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

      Th, that’s what I read last night and I commented right away, but my post didn’t accept, my Internet connection dropped out. Lol

      First of all in the fog , congratulations on finding an available man to love and get married too.
      Secondly as a betrayed spouse, I never believed at the start of my h ea, that he didn’t love me, not for a second. He said that because he felt it easier to say those words, to justify his wrong doings.
      I fought for my marriage, which by the way was always loving, so his ea had nothing to do with a loveless marriage it had to do with a tramp leaving her h and setting her sights on mine, then attacked when he was down and depressed, when she had enough information to make her move, the right words, that e needed and wanted to hear.
      My h was in a bad place, depression, mid life crisis, which by the way appears to be a reason for alot of infidelities. So it shows you the cheating spouse, was ill at the time, an you not walk away from the person you love because they were I’ll and in need of help.
      Us betrayed spouses trusted our h/w, we never had a reason to doubt them, and just because a deluded ow/om comes into the picture fooling our spouses into believing they are gods gift so it must be love, we must leave them because they have feelings for someone else is not right for alot of us.
      Thankfully my h doesn’t have that mindset, he never wanted to leave us, yet he would tell his ow, and she still didn’t get it, he loved his family. She thought that he wanted her, he wanted to be with her, just because she was now available, yet her problem was, he wasn’t and had no intention on becoming available to her. So who is a fool for staying, the ow, not the betrayed w, I married this man for better or worse, through sickness and health, those words to most of us mean something. My man was sick, he threw around his I love yous to his ow as if it was a treat, so many do when they are living a fantasy.
      We are not foolish for wanting our marriages to work, the other person in our spouses lives are the foolish ones thinking that the lies that dribble out of our spouses mouth all the secrets that they kept from us their betrayed spouse, were the only ones given out. They are the fools, because they were lied to, more than us, they stayed with a married person who wasn’t going to leave their betrayed spouse for them, they are the foolish ones for thinking they would. They were up against history, love that started the right way and lasted decades, they were up against a family, a life the married couple had created together, someone they know completely, all the good and all the bad, now that is pretty tough to beat. All the op had was the thrill of a new relationship that starred wrong, was built on lies and betrayal, a fantasy that can’t compare to the real love the h and w share.
      As my h tells me, if I didn’t want you, if I didn’t love you I would have left, life is not greener on the other side.
      So us betrayed spouses believe in the love we have for our spouses, we aren’t about to let it go without a fight. We cn hold our heads up high with dignity and self respect knowing we did the right thing, we tried and if we failed then we have no regrets, because we tried, and tried our hardest to keep our families together.
      I’m glad my h, doesn’t share the same views as you.
      I would hope that the next lot f betrayed spouses come in here and find the strength to fight for their marriages with dignity an grace and not give up because their cheating spouse loosely told someone else they loved them. I would hope the next lot of cheating spouses that come here find strength to work on their marriages and truly open up their eyes on how the affair they were in was a fantasy not worth living.
      I would hate to see these vulnerable people come in and think my goodness no matter which way I look or turn it is just going to end because how loosely the word love was thrown about, that is no reason to give up on your spouse.

      • Strengthrequired July 24, 2013 at 8:04 pm #

        I have been thinking abit more about this.
        Isn’t it just like ow to tell a w to leave a h, if every wife left a cheating h because of ow, then what does that say about the vows we took?
        The ow of course wants us to leave our husbands, they want our life, so why in earth would we just hand our life over to her. Did she earn our life, did she put years of effort into a marriage, into our family for us to just hand it over. No, I don’t think so.
        I’m not about to hand over my life, roll over and die or even play dead, so another woman can walk in and take what’s not rightfully hers to take.
        I would fight until there is no fight left in me, before I let that happen.my children, my h deserve me to fight for them, and they don’t deserve anything less.
        There are times, where I forget this, there are times I think of just moving on without my h, but if he keeps holding onto me, then there is still fight left in me, and I will keep fighting until there is no need to fight anymore. The struggles I have are my struggles, learning to trust is something I am determined to do, it will take time, yes our life isn’t the same as before, but if I be completely honest, we are closer and I’m shrewd can overcome all that has been thrown at us and become stronger, if we both want it.
        Sometimes the grief is too much, but I don’t regret fighting for my marriage, it shows me the strength I have, and I’m glad I can say I will be the one that’s keeps my family together and not give in to some ignorant selfish other woman who is intent on destroying my families life. My children deserve a mother that will keep them out of the hands of a woman like that, my children deserve their mother to fight for their dad on behalf of them. My children deserve to see what real love is. My children deserve to have both their parents together.
        If a predator was praying on our children wouldn’t we protect them? So what’s the difference, I class the ow as a predator out to destroy all of our lives.

        So anyone new coming in here looking for help, don’t just roll over and play dead, if you want your marriage to work, get knowledge behind you, know how the affairs work, their similarities, find the right way to fight for your marriage, and don’t just hand over your husband/wife to these predators, don’t live with regrets. Trust in yourself, you will know when you have no fight left, you will know when there is still hope, still a reason to save your family from being destroyed.
        Just don’t let the other person win your life without a fight. Don’t just give your life away just because thats what the other person wants you to do.

    • forcryin'outloud July 24, 2013 at 9:33 pm #

      I get sick and tired of the lack of willingness to take responsibility for their part in the so called relationship. “I’m the victim because he wouldn’t leave his wife for me even though we are the loves of each other’s lives.” Bullshit!!!! They are cowards, the CS and the OW/M. They do their little victim dance for one another…the universe is keeping Romeo and Juliet apart. P-L-E-A-S-E. Put on your grown-up pants!!!!

      There are some wonderful CSs on here who understand and are remorseful for their actions. I appreciate their insight, comments and advice. But this person is just passing judgement and not wanting any passed on her.

  29. Gizfield July 24, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

    Thank you for your kind words, Trying Hard. I dont really think cheaters can help themselves til they take full responsibility for their own actions. And really, what is the point of that anyway?

    As for In the Fogs post, I didnt see a real sense of remorse or responsibility. She seems to have gotten out of her affair because her boyfriend wouldn’t leave his wife. It’s good it’s over, but like you say, most of the blame seems to be shifted to others. Not good. And the comments about No one should stay with your spouse after they cheat on you seemed kind of “sour grapes”. True love can be hard to understand, especially compared to Fake “affair love “. Affair “love” is all about me, me, me.

    • Strengthrequired July 24, 2013 at 6:19 pm #

      Now that’s true giz, affair fake love is about me me me.

      My h affair fake loved he thought he had for her, turned out to be I feel sorry for her, a hero boost. He couldn’t understand his feelings until it was clear enough for him to see straight.

  30. Dakota July 24, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

    in the Fog= said Was I in love? I don’t know. It had “elements of love”
    Can you be more descriptive about this “elements of Love ” and what these elements of love means to you?
    I am just learning here like everyone else..thank you..

  31. Rachel July 24, 2013 at 10:02 pm #

    The cheating spouse is not in love, it’s just attention that these weak selfish needy people need to survive. KARMA!

  32. chiffchaff July 25, 2013 at 5:45 am #

    In the Fog’s post was really odd and I also read it as a criticism of BSs who stay and try and make their marriages work. It read very much like sour grapes, which is odd if the woman has now found such a great man to be with. Why post on such a site if everything’s rosy for her now? she certainly didn’t give any useful insights into her behaviour as a CS/OW except that she still seems like she is self centred and lacking in any empathy.
    I don’t feel that the OW in my case truly loved my H at all. she was as much in a fantasy as he was as she had no real idea of who he was. It’s clear from her blog postings sicne that her real aim was to get married, to anyone. she’s 41 and has been single all her life, with no big wedding where she can be centre of attention. she moans constantly about ‘how do I get someone to marry me’ which shows just how much she’s missing the point of marriage. you don’t ‘get’ someone to marry you, they either want to be with you forever or they don’t. or they want you as a bit of ego boosting on the side.

    • Paula July 25, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

      Chiffchaff, your OW (oh, don’t we wish they were not “ours,” lol) sounds freakishly similar to the sad-arse who screwed with my life. 45 years old, never married, never in a relationship that lasted longer than six months (except the fantasy one she had with my partner – for fifteen months – and almost two years as young adults – which my partner says only lasted that long because they lived three hours apart!) no idea about real love, real life, real relationships, sacrifice. She bought a wedding dress, for God’s sake. That freaked my partner out – he had no idea, he kept telling her what they had was not love, but a distraction, he never loved her. I don’t believe she loved him – just wanted the stupid fairytale, the pretty frock, the big ring, the stupid party, and someone to help her bring up her stolen-semen-from-a-condom small son. All the reasons I never married – I wanted to be loved and appreciated for me, not because we had a piece of paper and a big debt for a party, jewellery, and a frock we could have used the money for our mortgage on. Stupid cows. But they sure messed us up, so maybe that was worth all the effort after all 😉

      • Strengthrequired July 25, 2013 at 11:06 pm #

        My goodness Paula, she bought a wedding dress. You know it wouldn’t have surprised me one bit if my h cousin it bought a wedding dress too. She had already forced an engagement onto him with the help of her parents when it first started, she had already made her oldest son run around telling people my oldest son knows that they were step brothers. She had people ring me to tell me they were going to get married so watch my back, she had also changed her name on facebook to our name and god knows where else, blah blah blah.
        These women are desperafos, plain and simple. They have a screw loose. These are not sane people.
        They were not in love with our husbands, they were in love with the idea of having someone support them and their children. They were scared that they will be alone in their old age, so threw the bait out to anyone with 3 legs, our foolish h thought wow, I still have it, someone likes me and I’m not young anymore. They fell for it hook line and sinker.
        Women who are desperate, look for a meal ticket, doesn’t matter if they are taken or available.
        Yet as I will say, see how quickly that meal ticket gets thrown way once that person can no longer support her and she is left to support him with health issues. Not long. It isn’t what the signed up for, it’s not what they wanted.
        So the man ends up alone licking his own wounds.
        How many men are willing to rely on a woman they barely know with their old age. Only the stupid ones.
        So think of it this way, we had the best years of our husbands, we had them from a young age through to midlife.
        If my h chose his ow, then all in would say to him is good luck and may god help you in your old age, because you lost your chance at having me by your side through sickness and in health, you ended up with someone you don’t know will last a year need alone the rest of your life.

  33. Strengthrequired July 25, 2013 at 7:20 am #

    Chiff, my h ow I don’t believe loved my h either. She was just after somebody so she wouldn’t be alone. She was married tom her h for 20yrs at the time, she stillmis married, just separated now, but I know she just needed a man around so she could maintain the life she had with her h, where as on her own she couldn’t. So it wasn’t love just outmfor what she could get, so she didn’t have to work for it.
    Yet ourmstupid ass husbands think they just wanted them because they are all that and more, the ow couldnt possibly want them for any other reason other than they were so head over heels in love with them. Not for the ow own selfish reasons. For our h to acknowledge that takes that ego boost the ow gave them, and the ego boost is turned into a look of stupidity.

  34. InTheFog August 6, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

    Having used this website to gain insight into the circumstances I found myself in over the last few years I chose ‘InTheFog’ as this was Doug’s phraseology for being in the place where I ended up. No romantic imagery there I’m afraid!

    I’m not criticising BS’s at all, I’m just saying that from my perspective, having been a CS it’s hard to imagine trusting someone who had felt that way about someone else. I’m glad that there are relationships which survive despite EA/PAs.

    I didn’t say I wanted/asked him to leave his W, he wanted to but I could see it wasn’t going to happen. And of course, it was wrong to continue that situation.
    I laughed at the criticism based on my difficult circumstances, I DID leave as soon as I could, after discussion with Women’s Aid, councilling showing me that leaving was an option. I don’t think any of you have ever had your free will taken away, or you might understand why leaving was so hard, while the support from my AP was so important.

    But I digress. It was wrong, I take 50% of the blame, yes he was a liar, so was I. Ultimately I left him because it wasn’t right to be ‘taking’ time/energy/affection from someone else’s husband.
    Yes, 2 years isn’t a momentary lapse of reason- its how long it takes to realise that something shiny and golden is actually rusty and made of tin. It was a friendship that went too far.
    I may not have said this explicitly but I am sorry, I do know it was wrong. If he is happy in his marriage then fantastic for them, I’m grateful she doesn’t have to feel the pain of knowing.

    As for the ‘love-like’ feelings, I’m not sure it’s appropriate to elaborate here. I’m aware that that isn’t the sort of thing a BS would wish to hear. Suffice to say, it ‘felt’ like love.

    I am happy now, very. I feel no ill will towards my ex-AP, it’s not sour grapes, if they’re happy then good for them.
    I have learned a lot about integrity, honesty, respect and what is important in a relationship. I married my husband because I intend to love him and always be true to him, in all ways. We have the honesty policy- honesty at all times, even where it may cause pain- because without trust I’m not sure where you go.
    And I mean not only trust as in fidelity, but trust that the other will be respectful and honest, that they will allow you to be you, but walk along side you as you are, them as they are.

    There are almost as many inaccuracies about your judgement of character as wrongs I committed in two years 😉 But its fair enough, I have my opinion whether it was wanted or not.
    The reason I am here is because it’s good to mull over the past- to ask questions. We’re all on a journey, some different than others.
    I don’t wish to offend, I was just throwing an alternative perspective into this public arena.

  35. joanne May 6, 2015 at 2:19 am #

    Hasn’t even been 2 months since D-Day. Sure is a rough roller coaster and I hate the triggers that take me back to “He chose her over me”. Husband had been seeing a co-worker and then moved to a different department. Says it was because he knew had feelings for her so tried to get out, but then before he left they made plans to meet outside work. That’s when I found out when she texted him to see if he wanted to meet her for breakfast. At first he just left me a note that he had went to town but I saw the note before he left and for some reason he told me he was meeting her. He knew it was not okay but left anyway and was gone almost 3 hours. Just came home long enough to tell me he was meeting his cousin (which I knew he had plans for that evening) and I had to get ready for work (2nd shift). I had plans to babysit granddaughter that weekend so could not let my feelings out. When granddaughter was back home, I made him call OW and tell her he could not see her anymore. I had sent her a text asking her what made her think she could invite my husband out to breakfast. Tried telling me they were just friends. Anyway. It has been difficult learning more and more each day. I did wait for OW to get out of work and approached her just to see what she looked like so I would know what I was up against. Not attractive and mouth full of foul words. She ran and got in her car and I was not able to speak with her. Coward! Anyway, I have been back and forth if it is easier to heal if you stay or if you leave. Learning that some are 2 years out and still having set backs is not encouraging. I am shocked that my husband actually listened to Dougs tape about his EA and understands more of what this has done to me. I truely believe that it will be his actions that help me to heal or not heal.

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