I have learned so much from the contributions of the cheating spouses on this site because they have provided insight about their feelings and actions during their marital affairs.  One aspect that has intrigued me was how serious an affair relationship can become in a relatively short period of time.

One cheater claimed that after just a three month affair they were discussing the logistics of where they would live, legal issues, how a separation would play out, etc.  Most people who are in normal relationships would still be learning the little things about each other and meeting family and friends at that stage. I wonder why a marital affair relationship seems so different?

I recently read an article that compared an affair to a rebound relationship.  The cheaters are still feeling the effects of their previous relationship (their marriage) and want to continue from that point, which brings all the aspects of their marriage to the affair.

I also have to believe that it is part of the fantasyThe cheating spouses believe they have finally found someone who can meet their needs so perfectly that they quickly begin thinking about starting a new life together.

I believe the prospects of a new life can be just as, or even more intense as being with the affair partner.  The cheaters believe that they now have an opportunity to start over with a clean slate; with the ability to do things differently. They believe that all their problems will disappear because their unhappiness was caused by their “bad” marriage.

The fantasy and the illusion never allow them to see all of the other implications of their decision. They agree that it will be a difficult situation but they will certainly survive because they have such a strong relationship within their marital affair, and since they are in the “fog,” they feel their love can conquer anything.

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They convince each other that their relationship will never be like their current one, because they have finally found someone who provides them with everything they need to feel loved.  They are convinced they would never make the same mistakes twice.

It’s doubtful that they are aware that the divorce rate for second marriages is significantly higher than that of first marriages.  It is doubtful they are aware of the very low success rate of marriages that are a result of a marital affair.

They believe that their relationship is different and special.  They are oblivious to the possibility that their actions also contributed to the demise of their marriages.  No doubt they place more blame on their spouses instead of taking ownership of their own actions.

I guarantee that when Doug and I were younger and first started thinking about spending the rest of our lives together (which was well after 3 months together), we believed that we would always feel the same about each other as we did when we first fell in love.

We knew we would have problems at times, but also knew our love would get us through anything.  I never imagined that I would be sitting at a computer 30 years later writing about Doug’s emotional affair.

When a person begins an affair they are looking at all the negative aspects of their lives and marriages.  I am sure they are not seeing all the things they should be thankful for.  So I understand how easy it would be to believe that a new life with a different partner would be better than their current situation.  I imagine it wouldn’t take much convincing to go along with the fantasy that a new life provided.

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Taking the leap to leave their spouses however, takes away all the fantasy and turns it into a formidable reality.  This proves to be a difficult, if not impossible proposition and is probably the reason why most marital affair relationships end. They know deep down their relationship is a fantasy and wonder if anything about their relationship was real.

Last week I wondered about what – if any – plans Doug and Tanya had for their new life together and if it was different than the plans we had for our own future.  Honestly, I really don’t want to know what they fantasized about because I know that the reality of our life is so much better.

Last Thursday was a day to see the positive in our lives and to count our blessings.  That day it snowed over 8 inches and my daughters and I had the day off from school, and our son came home from college.  As we were making our annual holiday gingerbread house, all five of us stood around the kitchen talking about things that only a family that has been together as long as we have could experience and appreciate.

I know that Doug would never have moments like that if he chose to start a new life with Tanya.  These kinds of moments can only happen between people who have shared a history and a life of experiences together.

    31 replies to "A Marital Affair Can Get Real Serious Real Fast"

    • ingoodtimesandbad

      What made Doug finally come out from the fog?? I think my husband is still under it. The physical part is over I believe but i still think there may be a emotional affair still going on.

      • Doug

        ingood times…, the combination of falling back in love with Linda and seeing the downside of both the affair and Tanya were the primary driving forces.

        • Lynsey

          My husband tells me he won’t ever give up his EA partner, but wants to stay with me too. I’m trying to follow all the advice on your blog, and trying to be patient, but often wonder if I’m wasting my time. I just wonder if he’ll ever get out of his fog and his denial. He truly believes he can have both. We’re in couples counseling -just started, and I hope it will help. All access to phones, emails etc is still locked. He says he has a right to privacy. I just feel so disrespected. Sorry for the ramble…having a bad day. It hasn’t been that long since D-day. so it’s all still a whirl in my mind. What is suggested to get him to just start to think that this is NOT OK?

          • Paula

            Lynsey, this sounds truly soul destroying. My only suggestion is to completely separate yourself from him, no cooking, cleaning, etc, withdraw your services to him – he’ll probably be shocked at how much you do for him, just do what you need to do for you, and any children, if there are any at home. If it were me, and I know you aren’t, I would find somewhere else to stay, or better still, get him to leave (hopefully, only for a bit.) Hopefully that may shock him into making a choice, I know many women are scared that just frees them up to be with the OW, guess what, if that’s what he wants, then he can have her, you’re better than any of that, and if he does that for a while, and then realizes it was you he wanted all along, then he better hope you are forgiving and still want him back. It is very diesempowering being in your position, and I think a little reclaiming of your own self worth is not too much to ask :-). That said, I hope your counsellor is a good one, and has some practical, caring suggestions. My heart goes out to you.

          • chiffchaff

            Lynsey – reads the other parts of this blog or read the Marriage Builders site for some very good advice too on what to do in your position.
            You have to get yourself out of that situation and don’t leave it up to your H to decide whether or not he gives up his EA. He gives it up or it’s over. And that’s for your own good not his. Good luck.

          • Lynne


            How long has he been in the EA? And how long have you known about it?

            If your counselor has a decent head on their shoulders they will certainly be addressing the NONSENSE of him thinking that he can have both of you. Without an “open marriage”, and one where you would both agree to this, he needs to understand that this is NOT an option….PERIOD!

            Your own boundaries are absolutely the top priority here. Have you been clear that in order to be open to working on your marriage together there must be NO CONTACT with the OW? If you have, and if he’s still unwilling to end it, then I highly recommend you separate yourself from this immediately. It doesn’t mean that you have to make any clear cut decisions right now, except that you will not live with him if this is going to continue.

            He’s high up in the fog if he thinks he can have his cake and eat it, too. So unless you’re willling to live with this, you have to be crystal clear as to how you expect to be treated. After that, it’s up to him to decide (and in short order) what it is he wants. If he can’t make that choice, then you’ll need to make it for him.

            Outside of the above there is little that you can do to begin to convince him that this is NOT okay. It will be your actions, not your words, that tell him YOU are not okay with this.

            Please take care of yourself first. All my best to you as you sort this craziness out

          • Rachel

            Lyndsay, my h said the same thing that he wasn’t going to stop seeing her or texting her but changed his mind 4 hours later saying he was confused. they get so addicted and consumed with these bitches! As Lynne told me today the ow is giving them a high, ego booster they love that. Attention! Sounds like he is totally in the fog. I still don’t have access to his locked cell phone or computer. Keep your head up and think of yourself. I started ignoring my h went out with friends, on the phone with them and family laughing and moving on. I even planned a vacation with my two boys. Well well, guess who wants to work on us now?

            • Lynsey

              Thank you to all who responded to my first comment ever on this site. It’s only been barely 3 weeks since D-day, and the EA timeline is still sketchy. I have few details on that due to the fog. I see the point of an ultimatum, but in due time. Yesterday was a low day for me,; today is better, and is the day I intend to start working on me. That’s my #1 priority now. We’ve just begun counseling (at my H’s suggestion so that is hopeful), and I intend to discuss boundaries at our next session. Thank you all for being there. It helps so much to know that I’m not alone.

    • maryanna1962

      Linda what a great post. In my H’s case, the OW was and probably still is in a bad marriage and she saw my H as this fantastic talented man (which he is) and I truly believe that she saw in him what she was lacking in her own H. She made a play for him and kept playing till he fell into her trap which she has said lasted for 3 months, he totally and utterly rejects this, she was in her own fantasy world and I do believe that she was planning a future with him. He gets totally disgusted when I say that to him and he’s 100% adamant that the feeling was so not mutual. He actually said she would be the last woman in the world that he would want to spend his life with. She’s one of those bored “housewives” please excuse all you ladies who blog here and do a fantastic job of being a stay at home Mom, I’m not hitting on you but this lady’s H has a very successful business so money is no problem, she gets what she wants when she wants and always has whereas I, on the other hand have worked since I was 18 and am a very successful business woman in my own right, I’m certainly not rich but we’ve always had enough to live on and for our holidays and we’ve put one child through college with another one half way through college and a third who will hopefully make college also. So it proves even though she has all this money and material possessions she does not have happiness in her life and I truly believe that she has never felt real love not even with her H. I also agree Linda that we all have our traditions, it has taken years to build up these traditions and they cannot be repeated ever with a third party. My H played a song for me on youtube tonight by ADELE, M”ake you feel my love”, which touched me. He said it sums up his feelings for me. He definitely knows what he nearly lost so as we’ll sit around the dinner table on Christmas as a family with my parents, we’ll (H & myself) both say a silent prayer of thanks for what we still have together, I shudder and think it could have all been so different and I know it is something that he will regret for the rest of his life as will I but I’ve built a bridge and I’m getting over it.

    • AlmostOutofIt

      Hmm, your post sounds awfully familiar 🙂 I’m not really sure how and why it moved so fast. I do think without a doubt part of the reason mine did was the physical part. That was an area I felt was sorely lacking in my marriage so when I found that passion and intimacy in the affair, I think I assumed all the other stuff would fall into place.

      I also really think an issue with the ‘fog” is the fact that the cheater doesn’t have anyone to talk to. In a normal relationship, your friends would ask about who you’re dating. I have to believe that when you start dating someone new and begin to fall in love, you’re in a bit of a fog. You’d then talk about what you liked about him/her, what they were like, etc. In an affair, you can’t really do that. When you talk about it out loud, you might realize the faults with the other person and decide to see other people – which is the way its supposed to work. But with an affair, you never have to discuss them and therefore your brain can just focus on the positive things.

      Looking back, I think I was probably pushing the OW to leave her relationship. That probably got her to really think about the reality of us being together and effectively ended the affair.

      • Doug

        almostoutofit, I believe the real issue is you are only discussing this situation with your affair partner. With both of you being in the affair fog there is very little reality surrounding your conversations. One of the most difficult realities for me when I discovered Doug’s affair was knowing Tanya knew everything about our relationship and my attempts to save our marriage. I was completely in the dark that she even existed. They talked about things that really confused Doug, he believed that I only wanted to save our marriage because now he had someone else, that our children would be ok if he left, and that he had always done the right thing, now he deserved to be happy and be with her. I really didn’t have a chance to convince Doug that staying married was the better choice because I was competing with their fantasy. I believe in many cases that the only hope for ending the affair is exposing it to the light of day. It is the only way that reality is able to enter their little world. Linda

    • mil

      Maryanna, your post so struck a chord with me although our circumstances are slightly different. My H is a successful dentist and had an EA with a dental nurse from a different practice who also was PA for a committe he was secretary on. I think her own marriage was happy but boring (her husband is a salesman). We were going through a bad patch so he was ripe for a bit of fun. I think she was flattered that someone ‘high up’ in her working world started to take an interest in her and I found texts mentioning how they loved each other etc. What worries me most is that one text from her said she felt guilty leading him on as they’d ‘done nothing yet’ and he replied ‘I told you I’d wait, it somehow makes it more exciting’.
      This says to me that he was as much interested, if not more so, than her because if he was doing the ‘waiting’ it implies that she was the one holding back and if she had given the green light things might have gone further.
      Like your H he swears it meant nothing and was only a ‘game’ and an ego boost as I was showing no interest in him (true) and he’d NEVER have ended up with her or wanted to. I actually believe that but still think the EA might have turned into more if I hadn’t intervened. He carried on contacting her on a secret phone but swears it was all for work related purposes and he had to get a secret phone as I would have gone mad at the amount they still needed to text ‘over work’. I think I might have been over it by now if that hadn’t happened. This OW also said he’d done this sort of thing before and I remembered a mystery order from Tiffany&Co in 2001 which he said was a gift for someone depressed at work. I then delved into that and found it was a HEART pendant for the woman who did her job before her!!! He again explained it away saying it was a gift to cheer her up as she was going through a bad time!!!! A Tiffany heart???
      So I think I’ve got worse problems than you but I know my H loves me to death. If I never brought it up we would be living in bliss but I am living a nightmare every day because of all this.
      Like your H he is full of remorse and we have both been ill over it all.

    • maryanna1962

      Hi Mil, hope you’re having a good day. Ii think that OW was leading your H on ? The thing is Mil there was nothing wrong with our marriage and my H is emphatic that his affair was nothing to do with our marriage. I still think that he must have been missing something or was it just an ego boost for him ? He said that he as thinking with his “you know what” ! He said we had the “perfect” marriage if there is such a thing ! We have always connected at all levels but he was tempted like Adam & Eve and the apple scenario. And just like you, we both got ill this past year, I found a lump on my breast in June which thankfully turned out to be benign, there are heart problems in his family and he’s now on blood pressure tablets, we got a major scare about 8 weeks ago on a Friday night which necessitated a visit to the doctor and he was sent for CT scans for pressure in his head etc., etc. The blood pressure is now under control but I think the stress of guilt he was carrying for 18 months attributed to his medical problems. I will never fathom how OW’s go into these affairs and it would appear to me that its generally the OW’s who initiate, have they any idea of the devestation that they cause, obviously they are self centered and selfish people. The OW my H had the affair with had the cheek to write to both of us stating that she had been hurt too ! Cheek, I so wanted to write back to her and tell her exactly what I thought of her, that the wheel is always turning and and Karma and all that, I’d still like to write to her but I honestly think that she’s unstable and I hope that she rides out of my thoughts into the sunset in 2011. Take care

    • mil

      Ohhhh Maryanna, I hope we can both have a better 2011!!! I don’t believe a word my H says now and he knows it.
      I will NEVER have peace of mind while I am with him but there’s no way I can leave him as we love each other to bits (I do believe that).
      He just wants to be with me for ever and hates what he’s done but NOTHING will ever heal me.
      How can I live my life like this? I relive their texts etc. EVERY MINUTE of the day and have built it up into the romance of the century. I feel second best even though he showers me with love and self belief.
      My life will be crap from now until when I die because of what he has done

    • another one

      With my Husband, they planned for what was to happen and then lied saying there was not contact and even saw her at least once that I know of for sure…. but since he never really attempted to reconnect in any way, there was no way I could compete. It was the not feeling close because of sex thing but him not showing me the attention I needed, just as many people had said… but even before I found out about the EA, we had a fight and we started to talk and change that, and even more so when I found out about the affair…. I always wonder if the OW knew we had sex almost every night until we separated after 9 months!!! So, it wasn’t the sex anymore. It was his selfishness to the fantasy… or maybe it isn’t a fantasy. However, he has moved on quickly, teh OW went to his family’s Thanksgiving and now they went to his brothers for before Christmas and now at her parents with her son for Christmas. Meanwhile, he has spent 1 hour and 1/2 with his daughters and very little contact via phone. They are there to make him look good when he want to show them off, as they are awesome kids, but for being there for real parenting, not even close. His life is much easier, much more fun, no complications because the kids look to me to handle everything. We haven’t even filed papers yet! But, the plan is for her to move here when her son graduates HS so they can marry and be together. In this case, the fantasy will continue due to the distance, they will have great adventures when they see each other because they will give up everything else at that time. He has already spent 28 days since Nov. 11th. (no the 12.21) taking time off work…. He never took time off just for us!!! This relationship is special, but his kids are the ones missing out or actually, no, HE is missing out being with his own kids! That is the saddest part. He already treated me like dirt and I can handle it, but the kids do not derserve this selfish, narcisistic behavior.
      MIL, I am with you… I will handle it but I Relive every thing we did, everything he said, all the time. I know it will not make a difference but I try to understand it… and I know I can’t because I am not him trying to justify what he did…. “I made some bad decisions but they were the right ones for me.” Yes, no concern for his kids, let a lone me. When dealing with a narcisistic personality, there is not real grieving period for them, and very little guilt. I get to take all of it on! I am now in the stage of “I love him (or the person he was) but I don’t really ever want him back!”

      • Doug

        Another one, your comment touched me with the total disregard your husband has for his children–and you. It’s clear that he is a mile high in illusion land. When life gets real for the two of them, I bet things come crashing down in a big way. I don’t blame you at all for never wanting him back. Best of luck to you.

    • AlmostOutofIt

      I hope I don’t get flamed for this, but I wanted to challenge some of the betrayed spouses posting here. Reading through some of the posts, it occurred to me that perhaps there is a “marriage fog” as well. By that I mean perhaps there are some that are in love with the fantasy of marriage. They love being in a relationship and married. Perhaps there is some fear of being alone or having to (unexpectedly) find someone new again later in life. But like in an affair, they’re in love with the situation and not as much with their spouse.
      I am just throwing that out there for people to think about. I’m not saying it’s true for anyone here, but I’m sure it’s true for some people in general.

      • Karen

        Are you suggesting the flamers can only flame out but not take a flame back?? 🙂 I also think that some BS’s have a fantasy view of marriage, which is surprising because I know my fantasy marriage bubble was burst big time when I found out about my H’s EA. But if you’re including in your definition of a BS marriage fantasy the expectation of fidelity, that is when I’ll toss the flame right back at you – infidelity is a cowardly, weak and selfish way to deal with marital issues and, IMNSHO, indicates an overly active character flaw comprised of narcissism and ego. Doesn’t in any way excuse the noncheater spouse living in a marital fantasy and not dealing with their blame in causing the marital problems, but I will claim mostly ignorance as I really, really truly thought I was working on my contribution to my marriage’s problems but have found out that I was really just shutting down and withdrawing as I was overwhelmed with my life. I felt like I had communicated my needs to my H several times and was just being ignored. Turns out he felt he had also. We both didn’t “hear” each other. Duh now that I’ve read all the stuff on this site and other resources recommended by Linda and Doug. I think I have to excuse somewhat the BS’s who cling to the marriage fantasy as their cheater spouses may not be doing the things necessary to enable them to begin to heal so staying in the fantasy is easier than dealing with the pain.
        Heck, my H is doing most of the right things post-EA, and it’s still very painful and difficult, some days more than others. On those bad days, a “fantasy” sounds mighty good. Oh, but that’s what you cheaters did when you had an affair –
        gave up and jumped into a “fantasy.” Sorry – flaming again:)

        • AlmostOutofIt

          Reading both Karen’s and Linda’s responses, I think I wasn’t very clear in what I meant in my post. I didn’t mean that there was a fantasy view of marriage. Of course there is a rightful expectation of fidelity and commitment.

          Linda, you actually spoke to what I meant when you commented about thinking long and hard about why you wanted to stay in the marriage. That’s what I was sorta challenging BS’s to think about. I was just questioning, or more to the point, trying to get the BS to question their love of their spouse and why they wanted to stay in the marriage. It seemed like there were some things in a few posts that struck me in a different way. I just read them and wondered if some BS’s were in love with marriage and not necessarily their spouse…

          I could be way off base here – but I wanted to post it, if only to get the readers to think through their situation. Are they truly in love with their spouse or are they more afraid of their marriage ending? Based on the 3 responses, perhaps I am completely off-base.

          I was more referring to a fantasy of being married post dday – not before. I completely get that fantasy and the expectations that come with it.

          • Doug

            almostoutit, I can honestly say that there is no fantasy living post dday. Everything is there out in the open and it is not at all the way I expected a marriage to be. As I have said before before the affair I believed our love would be enough, I believed Doug was totally committed to me and our marriage, I felt secure and I trusted my husband. All of that changed after the affair, the reality of the situation hit me in the face. I wasn’t afraid of my marriage ending because I really wasn’t sure what kind of marriage I really had, our life together had become a lie. Doug had said things to me that made me question if he ever really loved me, why we got married in the first place and if we were ever close. So I wasn’t hanging on to our marriage, or the security (I had lost of all that). I hung unto the feelings I had for Doug, I wasn’t ready to let him go. I had planned on spending the rest of my life with him and I am a very stubborn woman so I wasn’t about to give up. Linda

        • Lostinlove

          It’s a tangled web we weave when first we choose to deceive. So true…Now how do we live with that. My h’s EA, blew me away. We had been struggling for so long with problems, always brought on by his “way” of doing things. I told myself, it’s just his bad luck. Then his anger, then his drinking, as he began to control our home, it began to destroy all of us. I have five years of journals, beggin,fighting, demanding, pleading, praying…that he would get help. Waiting to be delivered from a situation that continued to grow worse and worse, always hoping it would suddenly be over and all things would be better. He was my best friend, I was the only person who was there for him when he screwed up. He played on that, fed that to me like I was a baby, and yes I was in a marital FOG, I made a commitment, under God and was going to stand firm to that. But, then so did he….except…..it began to get burried, stress from life, anger, alcohol…….it was so deep he lived in a blurr. His verbal abuse was devastating, I prayed, his anger hurtful, I withdrew…..his drinking turned violent…..i disappeared within myself,…. He turned to an EA……if it was physical…I will probably never know…..he’s a liar……I love him……i don’t trust or believe him….I want to……but I can’t. And just when I was spent…….I got a promotion, I don’t need him……I want him to get help…now….he’s trying….I am stronger……I can survive……and i will be delivered….Now it’s his turn……

      • Doug

        almostoutofit, I am perplexed by your comments, I know in some ways I was living a fantasy believing that our commitment and history would protect us from an affair. Obviously I was wrong. I also believed that we could just sail through our marriage without much effort because of our love, our family and our closeness and compatibility. I have learned that all of those qualities do not protect a marriage and that it takes much effort and work. Sometimes I wonder if I am still living a fantasy believing that everything will be ok.
        I thought long and hard about why I wanted to stay in my marriage, wondering if I am only staying because of security, the amount of time we have been together. I can honestly say that I am not afraid to be alone, that there were times when it would have been much easier to leave. I stayed because I knew there was no one else I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. This has not been an easy road and I am sure that I am not “in love” with the situation because I have learned that being married has wonderful benefits but it takes a lot of understanding and effort. Linda

      • Doug

        almostofit, I also want to tell you to have a wonderful time on your vacation. I do want to caution you about a few things. I would like to tell your a story that happened during Doug’s affair. We had the opportunity to spend the night alone together in an hotel, it wasn’t anything romantic seeing it was during our son’s baseball tournament, but it provided a very rare time to be alone for the night. I had been sensing Doug’s distance so I was very nervous about being alone with him and I am sure Doug’s heart wasn’t in it because he was involved with Tanya at the time. I am not sure if he was using this time as a gauge of his feelings for me but I felt like the night was a disaster. We really had trouble making a connection. I learned much later that the next morning while I was in the shower he was on the phone with her.

        I hope that he didn’t use that experience to figure out his feelings for me because that was not fair. I didn’t know what he was thinking,, what kind of decisions he was trying to make. I just felt he didn’t want to be with me and that really effected how I responded back to him.
        My advice to you is to not to have high expectations for your wife. She does not know what has been going through your mind the last three months. All she knows is she has felt a distance from you and that scares her and she doesn’t know how to handle that. She may not act the way you would like her to on this trip but I hope that if you display patience and love that you will be able to rekindle the love you once had. Linda

        • AlmostOutofIt

          Thank you for your kind words and inspiration Linda. I keep telling myself it will take time – I can see how easily it could be for someone to fall back into the affair. She snapped at me about something the other day and I caught myself immediately thinking back to my fantasy world and how the OW would never act that way. LOL – right…. Sorta just shook my head a bit and went on with things. But it was there…

          I think we are both looking forward to this trip as a way to get closer again. Perhaps this is indicative of the problems we’ve had, but I don’t think she’s even felt the distance to the extent I have. LOL – just realized I’m probably having an EA with this site! I guess the difference is while my W doesn’t know everything, I am trying to re-connect with her and not start a relationship with someone else. But I really think we’ve been so unconnected, that I doubt she’s noticed a big difference over the past months. That alone probably says quite a bit about where my marriage was…

          But thanks again for the support – both from you Linda as well as the others on the site sending my their warm wishes. I truly appreciate how open and helpful everyone is.

          I hope everyone has a healthy and happy holidays. May we all find what we’re looking for in the new year…

          • karen

            My H and I have waited to go away alone without the kids just to avoid what Linda talks about . . . disappointment on both our parts, etc. AOOI, by your moniker and your comments about your OW, you’re hopefully in the tail end of your fog but still in the haze. And I really think your W knows more than you think – hopefully you two can reconnect and get real honest with each other. I know I won’t go away alone with my H until I can be confident I can show complete selfless love and respect for my H with very little expectation of anything in return. We are both trying to practice that at home as much as possible and hope to go away early in 2011!! Hoping your time away with your wife is wonderful!!!

    • stupidandtrusting

      I won’t flame you for that statement because I certainly have considered that possibility. For me, it is not the case, I know that I love the person that was and is my husband. There was a huge and painful blip but he is the man I want to be with. I definitely was comfortable in my marriage though, something I don’t know if I will ever get to feel again.

    • Last2know

      AOOI, I know you have chosen not to tell your wife but maybe you should tell her that you haven’t felt loved by her and that you have been tempted. I don’t know. When my D-Day came it through me for a loop and I wanted to reclaim my H so badly that the sex was unbelievable and often it scared him and me. Looking back, I had a gut feeling that something was up because he was exhibiting all of the “signs”,weight loss, new cologne, exercising etc. I just didn’t get it until the OW’s H told me and then it all made sense. So if your wife does not know what she needs to do to meet your needs and if you don’t know what to do to meet hers I fear that that there may be another affair in your future, expcept this time it might be her. What is your plan?

    • Way2Trusting

      Excellent observations. My D-day was August 3rd. I too have wondered why the affair relationships seem to happen at such an accelerated pace as opposed to individuals that are just casually dating. I think perhaps they are bonding over their mutual dissatisfaction with their spouses. Would Doug and Tanya have hit it off so well if they had met when they were still single?
      When I discovered my wife of 18 years was involved with a co-worker I scoured her cell phone records and you could see the pattern develop in intensity…how the text messages would fly back and fourth followed immediately by phone calls. I think for me it was the most devastating aspect of her EA as my wife is not a very affectionate or sentimental person and to know that somebody else was able to illicit feelings from her that I have longed for crushed my heart.

      • Doug

        way2trusting, I also scoured the phone records, and honestly it almost told a story. The constant texting, followed by a phone call, it repeated the same pattern everyday. However the intensity seem to pick up after my first confrontation, I guess having the wife in the picture put a twist on things. I believed the phone records would give me a clue about their relationship but it only provided a bad memory that still haunts me. I often questioned Doug if you were different with her, did she bring out a part of you that I can not. I know that I will never really understand his affair and why he acted the way he did. I guess I don’t really need to understand it I just need to learn to accept it. Linda

    • kristine

      This post made me cry. I remember shortly after I found out about my H’s affair (3m after it started physically and 4m from when they met) I found out he had made plans to visit this person out of the country. I was FLOORED because he had made those plans before I even know about the affair. How was he going to plan that trip if I hadn’t found out before? More covert lies I guess.

      I cried though when I read this because I remember asking my husband when I found out about the trip, “This must be serious!” and he said very emphatically and very rude, “it is, it is serious!” my heart sank. I couldn’t believe a) it was serious and b) that he had the gall to tell me. It was like a kick to the face.

      Now I realize it is all a fantasy it is all infatuation with the way the person makes them feel and DUH who doesn’t feel the way when you first start connecting with someone? The only problem is with those feelings they’re based on deceit and darkness. The harsh truth and reality when the light hits is staggering FOR EVERYONE. Is it really worth it in the end? I think my husband will tell you “NO” it isn’t. I do believe our marriage is better and we’ve come a long way but I wouldn’t wish this pain on even the OP. It’s unbearable.

    • Gizfield

      Like all the other “affair” crap, the seriousness of it is just “crap” as well. If you’ll notice when it all hits the fan, and they are free to follow up on the plans, somehow about 90% of the time, it just doesn’t happen. Like the song says, Talk is cheap when the story is good. Listen to a group of grade schoolers. All they do is make plans they.re never going to keep.

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