How to Confront a Cheating Spouse

Since it’s Memorial Day, we thought we’d take a day off and run this guest post from Sheri Meyers on how to confront a cheating spouse.

Linda has blogged before about how to confront a cheating spouse and the other person based on her own ideas, but we thought this would be a good resource for you as it comes from an expert in the field of infidelity and relationships – Sheri Meyers.

Last week we received an email from her publicist regarding a new book that she has recently published called “Chatting or Cheating.”  Included in the email was a press kit that included the following article on how to confront a cheating spouse.  Please read on.

How to Confront Your Partner if You Catch Them Being Unfaithful

how to confront a cheating spouse

Knowing how to confront a cheating spouse is essential for getting at the truth.

Before you even consider confronting your partner, it is essential that you have proof – not a hunch, an idea or fear, but real, tangible proof.

If you suspect your partner’s having a cyber, emotional or physical affair, don’t make accusations until you have concrete evidence to make your case and get a confession. After all, a confession is what you’re after. Once you have a confession you can work out a solution.

To confront your partner, you must have proof of the infidelity, such as text, e-mail, or voicemail messages; a private detective’s report; a piece of clothing you found that doesn’t belong to you; even a recorded phone call or photographs – something that you can produce as evidence of the infidelity, as a nonnegotiable and undeniable ‘checkmate’. Without proof you will look like a distrusting fool at best and, at worst, you will ensure that your cheating partner learns to better cover their tracks.

PROOF is your ally.

PROOF is the essential ingredient you must acquire before the confrontation.

Only when you have PROOF can you proceed.

Once you have proof and are ready to confront your partner, the most important thing to do is remain calm. Remaining calm, cool and collected will be the deciding factor in your success or failure in confronting your partner and getting to the truth. Do a personal check-in and make sure that you are emotionally prepared for the outcome of the conversation. When your answer is, “Yes! I’m ready,” make a plan to confront your partner and discuss the affair without any interruption. Choose the time and place carefully.

Think conversation, not confrontation. Approach your partner in a rational, non-threatening way. Stay calm and remain focused on getting to the truth. At first, your partner may resist a wake-up call. Listen carefully to your partner’s answer so you can accurately assess the situation. Present your hard evidence to punch through any denial. Be prepared for escape clauses and dismissal of your accusations (i.e.”We’re just friends, that’s all.”, “We’re not having sex.” “You’re crazy!” etc.). Keep remembering that your purpose is to get the truth. Keep telling yourself, “I am calm. I can handle this. I want the secretiveness to stop. I want to get to the truth.”

Your partner will probably be in shock and denial. But no matter what your partner says or does, you must persevere. Limit the questions – be diplomatic and non-combative. Studies show that cheaters shut down and lie when asked to many pointed questions such as, “Who were you with?” “Why did you lie?” “How could you do this to me?”

These are the kind of questions that will get your partner to withhold the truth, become defensive, and clam up because they feel scared, trapped and cornered. The more calmly you deal with the truth, the more your partner would tell you the truth. Although, it may feel immensely difficult to come from a place of love and understanding right now, LOVE is the most effective tool to use to get to the truth.

Apply the Oreo cookie technique to stimulate conversation, get to the truth, and come together to resolve your problems. Let’s face it, to hear your partner admit that he or she has cheated on you hurts to the core. However, the truth can also be the doorway to a better and healthier relationship on the other side.

How to Confront a Cheating Spouse -Try the Oreo Cookie Technique!

oreo cookie techniqueThe chocolate (POSITIVE) – Start with: “I love you. I’m devastated. I need to talk to you about this. I want to hear the truth. I want to understand and work this out.”

The filling (THE PROBLEM) – Show your partner the evidence: “This is what I believe. This is what I know. This is what I’m concerned about. This is how it makes me feel.”

The chocolate (POSITIVE) – Complete the Oreo Cookie with the positive: “I want us to work this out. I want to save our relationship. I want to get to the truth, so we can work through this. I’m not sure how we’re going to get through this, but that’s what I want, and this is what I need from you to get there.”


Sheri Meyers, Psy.D
, a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, is a highly respected and sought-after infidelity and relationship expert for network TV news programs.  We have included a few of her videos in previous posts and you can few them by clicking here.  Click the following link to learn more about her book, “Chatting or Cheating.”

Other related posts:

Emotional Affair Signs

How to Catch a Cheating Spouse

 

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29 Responses to How to Confront a Cheating Spouse

  1. Greg May 28, 2012 at 9:19 am #

    Hey at least I got part of it right, I had the proof. I guess waking her up at 3 am and yelling at her wasn’t in the script. :-)

    • blueskyabove May 28, 2012 at 9:57 am #

      I had the proof too. In the six hours I spent waiting for my husband to call me, it never entered my mind that I should be going to a book store to figure out precisely how to handle it. Apparently there was something wrong with me because I just wasn’t there. I wonder how many BSs actually had the presence of mind to “think conversation, not confrontation.”. Maybe we need a survey on this.

    • Recovering May 29, 2012 at 9:36 am #

      LOL! I did the same thing to my husband at 1am… never in a million years would I get on the internet or read a book to figure out what I should and shouldn’t be doing when responding to finding out he really was the cheating liar and whore I was afraid he was being!! OOPS! Whatever! How the hell are you supposed to be CALM and LOVING when the person who swore to foresake all others has LIED TO YOUR FACE AND TREATED YOU LIKE A FOOL!! Lets face it, none of us would have ever found this site BEFORE we found out about the affair! Sometimes I can barely be calm and loving even after almost a YEAR of knowing and working on the relationship!! I swear to God if the man sings anything with the word “sexy” in it one more time I am gonna have to punch him in the face… just reminds me of the text the night I found out… “bring your sexy naked ass over here…. ” If he EVER says that phrase to me again it will probably be his last!! Sexy naked ass… she was an old lying cheating whore like himself! Trailer trash all of the way! Nothing sexy about a married woman with children who throws herself at a married man with children!! PLEASE!

      • Teresa May 29, 2012 at 11:35 am #

        LOL…Recovering…I like how ya tell it the way it is!! My H’s cow is married with 3 kids also..the youngest has Downs Syndrome….how can you jeopardize your family like that? I just don’t get it! I mean I know it’s selfishness plain and simple…but still!

        • Recovering May 29, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

          I am sure that my husband NEVER ONCE considered the OW’s kids, or his own for that matter!! He thought I would NEVER find out, so that made it okay… Whatever!! The OW wanted MORE, however! She obviously thought SHE was gonna raise MY daughter, since she only has 2 sons! Right… like my kids would have ANYTHING to do with a whore who breaks up their family! Dumb whore!! And my husband… the day AFTER I found out he left work early after breaking it off with the whore and picked me up and took me to lunch. We were standing in line and I pointed out a 2 year old little boy in the line in front of us – said “that is who you were REALLY screwing over” because the OW had a 2 year old son when they started messing around, and he KNEW it! They’d worked for the same company for over 10 years… weren’t ‘friends’ until she hit on him in a bar at a Retirement get together and they made out in her car behind the bar. Suddenly they are having lunches together and have to work together all of the time (I didn’t know any of this then)… now with the chance of her returning to the company he assures me that there is no reason he would ever have to work with her! Then what the hell was he doing ‘working’ with her all the friggin time for the 2 years they were messing around? Am I the only non-idiot here? How could NOBODY else at his work notice ANYTHING? His OW isn’t disgusting looking… tall and thin.. not prettier than me, but a trailer trash lying whore, which will always make me better than it. I have never cheated before, nor would I, and this apparently wasn’t her first trip around the block on her poor husband, though he still doesn’t know. Cheaters really DONT deserve a second chance, but they also DONT deserve to get to walk away scott free!!! I put my life into this marriage! I was faithful! I have put up with too much and given up too much to walk away without a fight – I hope her husband cheats on her… or that I hear she will be trying to come back to the company – then he will dump her cheating ass ’cause I will be telling her husband the whole story – sorry, but this is MY life now, and she will have NO part in it! I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE, and I don’t invite her in, and never would have in the first place. THAT was my dumb husband that did that!! Idiot!

          Am obviously having a rage day… funny how some days I am so positive that we will make it, and others I am ready to walk and tell the whore that she can have his trash butt! Tomorrow I’ll probably love and want him again… heck, maybe in an hour I will… who knows…. I didn’t ask for this crap… am sick of feeling like there is something wrong with ME!! Was up all night wondering why I wasn’t important enough to him to be faithful to? What did I ever do so wrong to deserve this? My own pitty party… guess too much “Sexy” singing and the one-year of Dday quickly approaching and the possibility of the whore re-entering the scene at work… is too much on top of the fact that my husband cheated on me at all….

          • Greg May 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

            Recovering,
            First stop letting the OW control your life! If she comes back to his work or not is not controlable by you. You can encourage her not to by letting her know that if she does come back you will tell her husband about the affair but you can’t control her. You also cannot control your husband. You can only control what you do and how you react to things. Write her or email her to let her know that you have heard she might be returning to the company and that you would prefer that she did not just as she would probably prefer that you didn’t tell her husband about the affair and leave it at that. She will either not come back or will but she will also know the consiquences. Also tell your husband that if she does come back that he is not to talk or work with her. I wouldn’t really worry about it becoming known around work, I can guarantee you that it is known ord already suspected. Office gosip is vicious and very accurate many times. There are probably many people who know or suspect what was going on and just ignored it and gossiped with their co-workers. I know for a fact that some of my wife’s coworkers knew or suspected as one of them even tried to semi-confront herabout it and another asked her if she should invite him to her birthday lunch. You will just have to see what happens and trust your husband if she does come back.

            Second, have you told your husband how much him singing ‘sexy’ hurt you? If so, he is an imbicile for doing it. If not he probably doesn’t know. Much as everyone would like it to be different men are not mind readers, we’re actually pretty bad at it. And trust me, every married man wishes he was a mind reader it would save us all a lot of trouble. ;)

            Now take deap breaths and say ‘serenity now’. Sorry had to put a little humor in there.

            • Recovering May 29, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

              Greg,

              I took your advice, and pretty much said what you told me to say, word for word. It is done. I haven’t had ANY contact with the OW since June of last year when I left nasty voice mails on her work voicemail. I know I can’t control her, or my husband. Just sick of feeling out of control. I know that the OW told her old boss… even blamed my husband for being part of the reason she left (which is a total lie since she had already had 3 interviews with the other company before I even found out about them). This old boss is the one trying to bring her back…. Don’t like that lady now either!!!!

              As for the ‘sexy’ thing, no, I didn’t tell him. I feel so stupid for getting soooo upset over something that would’ve NEVER bothered me before – he just got hung up on a dumb song that was on the radio. I don’t WANT this whole thing to control me, though sometimes I worry it always will. I TRY to talk myself out of it bothering me… sometimes I can’t. I’ll probably end up telling him tonight, though, as I couldn’t sleep last night and got all worked up… am sure you know what I mean. So I laid there in bed, tormented, while he slept soundly. UGH! I don’t WANT this all to affect MY self esteem, yet I feel like crap! I still in a way think that if I had been… Idunno… more worty or SOMETHING that he never would’ve done this to us. I guess it comes from that I could NEVER do that to him! I used to be a firecracker… now I feel like a dud!

              I appreciate your support – is kinda nice to get a male perspective thought I hate for you that you are going through this too!! I did what you suggested…. we’ll see how that pans out!! Am nervous… usually not the one to stand up and fight… what I have IS worth fighting for, though!!! Thank you!!!

              • Greg May 29, 2012 at 7:02 pm #

                Good for you Recovering. Now you have taken a measure of control over your life. Even if it feels dumb to be worked up over something as simple as a song it is a trigger for you and he needs to know about it so that he can help you heal. If not he will keep doing things that hurt you without knowing it. Both my wife and I were doing this in the beginning, well actually for years before the EA, and not saying anything about it. It took a major blow out one dasy for both of us to get it all out in the open and finally start dealing with it. Just work the small problems as the come up and you’ll be surprised at the results. Sometimes it is the little steps that make the greatest difference, you just don’t notice it until they add up in making a big leap.

              • Anita May 29, 2012 at 10:35 pm #

                Recovering,
                Your under extreme amounts of stress right now. The only
                way to control your stess is to control your thoughts. Greg is right you can’t control your husband or the other woman,
                however you can take control over your thoughts and your
                actions.
                I can only speak for myself and how I handle stress. I have
                been doing this for the last few years and it works.
                I credit my faith for having learned this. When life dishes
                us up storms that I have no control over, I pray and I give
                my problem over to God, and let him handle it. I trust God
                to take care of me, and to work whatever storm there is
                in my life for my own good. By doing that I am relieved
                of my stress and go about my day. I have seen some
                awesome results happen when I do this. Sometimes
                the results happen right away, other times it takes awhile.
                I have found instead of focusing on my problems, if I help
                others who need help wheather it be a small task or
                volunteer my time to something, it get my mind off my
                problems, also it helps others. It better then dwelling
                on something you have no control over, and plus it
                will make you feel better.
                I know you do not want to hear this, however I’m going to
                say it, because it works, forgiving others is for you, it
                does not make them right, but it removes the poison from
                you. To carry anger and bitterness only hurts you.
                Put the past behind and enjoy your life now.

                • Anita May 29, 2012 at 11:50 pm #

                  Recovering,
                  Sadly I didn’t learn how to do this until after my divorce.
                  I understand your stress, my exhusband also worked with
                  his affair partner, and wouldn’t leave for employment elsewhere. His last affair wasn’t his first and we divorced,
                  within a couple of weeks of me signing the divorce papers,
                  him and his affair partner came out into the open, they lasted for about a year after our divorce. He called me
                  a couple years after our divorce and apologized, I forgave
                  both of them. I also told him to forgive himself.
                  Hopefully the other woman in your situation will seek
                  employment elsewhere, if not,maybe your husband will.
                  I understand how tough this is, I have been there, but I
                  can also say I have a much better happier life now, where
                  infidelity is not a problem.

  2. Greg May 28, 2012 at 11:31 am #

    I think confrontation is a pretty normal reaction for almost everyone as it is an emotional reaction to something that has destroyed your self esteem in a swift single stroke. Even if you suspected or thought you knew what might be happening, actually having the proof thrown in your face so to speak causes a massive emotional reaction reaction. Calm and logical thinking just isn’t part of that reaction for most people.

  3. chiffchaff May 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

    I agree Greg, maybe this ‘plan’ for dealing with confrontation relates more the a gradual discovery or suspicion of an EA/PA rather than a sudden discovery of incontravertible evidence?
    I certainly didn’t think ‘conversation not confrontation’ after seeing my H turn white on me asking him who ‘Dana’ was that he’d been texting on our holiday. My emotions took over immediately, rational thought was pushed quite far back. Calm (ish) and logical thinking/questionning didn’t start for about 12 hours afterward that.

  4. Jim May 28, 2012 at 1:12 pm #

    I can see where this would help if you had suspicions. But for me I was hit in the face with it. The evidence was on my wife’s phone and she was standing right in front of me.

    • justsad May 28, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

      Yep, me too. Randomly picked up his phone while on vacation and there was a text saying how much she missed him. I was stunned. I had never suspected that he had any type of “friendship” with another woman. Yeah, needless to say conversation is not what we had at that moment or for many days after. We have had many conversations since then but at that moment I was literally shaking and by the next day full on raging.

    • Recovering May 29, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

      Even with suspicions… unless you are not deluding yourself with the idea that your significant other would NEVER be such a low-life I think even suspicious people don’t look it up… I know I never did, and I asked him point blank a full year before I found out the truth if he was cheating – he acted like I was crazy!! Proof isn’t just for making THEM tell the truth, it is for us BS to SEE the truth, to know that we really HAVE been lied to all this time, and that the person who said they loved us weren’t who we thought they were or who they pretended to be. I thought I was being overly sensitive to the fact that we were never together and that I was lonely for HIM! And he LET ME THINK IT! Nope, rational loving would have NEVER been a part of discovery reaction. Never!

  5. rollercoasterrider May 28, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    I agree with what’s already been posted above by each of you…would that we could rewind and…yet? It’s so hard to be prepared for something you never in a million years would have suspected, although I knew something was off. My direct approach of “Is there someone else?” only resulted in lies which four months later, on D-Day simply added to the painful discoveries. Looking back is the only way I can look at what happened, and yet I think the Oreo cookie idea might really come in handy moving forward.

  6. onmyway May 28, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    I think the author is spot on in her advice though the saying ‘easier said than done’ certainly comes to mind. I waited over 24 hours to confront my husband after being told about the affair. The husband of the OW called me out of the blue one morning about 3 months after the affair had stopped (he had caught them). He told me everything he knew and that he had the confiscated cell phone and phone records to prove it. I had to wait til the next day to retrieve the proof from him. I think I was in a state of shock and part of me didn’t believe that this could be true. At the same time I knew something had been wrong for months so it kind of ‘fit’ . An affair (especially with THAT woman) had been the last thing I suspected, though.
    I don’t think my husband was in tune with me enough to even recognize that I was holding something back from him that night and the next day. That sort of speaks to the state of our relationship at the time. I did manage to confront him in pretty close to the manner the author recommends though I did not state that I wanted to make this work and understand it, etc like suggested in the positive steps of her Oreo Cookie technique. I just wanted the truth and my coddling him was not going to facilitate that! I am sure I raised my voice when he tried to squirm out of it, proof be damned. I wanted to say something very badly the day before but I knew that I had to see the proof with my own eyes and go from there. Maybe that is why I handled it the way I did? I had a little time to collect myself and think about my approach.

  7. onmyway May 28, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

    I wanted to add to my above reply that I was able to confirm some of what the OW’s husband told me by checking my husbands phone records from the months I was told the affair was going on. I did that the minute he and I got off the phone. So I knew it was true but wanted the additional proof he had (a secret phone with texts between them) before I confronted my husband. Yes, it was hard!

  8. Greg May 28, 2012 at 2:16 pm #

    Onmyway,
    Be happy you only had to hold it in for a day. I held it in for a week after I got the letter from her AP’s previous partner while I verified everything I could. I could tell how out of tune she was with me as she had no clue what was going on in my head, this from a woman you used to be able to tell if I even slightly fibbed on something. Sad part was my waking her up in the middle of the night for an argument was calm for me by then, I was absolutely livid on the day I discovered it. While I wish I had been able to calmly approach it like the author suggests that just wasn’t happening in my state of mind.

  9. onmyway May 28, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

    Greg, I do not think I would have been able to have waited that long! I already felt as if I was going to explode/puke/lose my mind after that very long day and a half. I am sure that having held it in for so long is part of why you confronted her the way you did. I am sure looking back we can all see things we wished we could change in how we confronted our CS’s. Like I said the advice given is easier said than done and might not even apply to every situation. Going apeshit is certainly an understandable response even though it may not be the most conducive to getting the info you want out of them!

  10. tsd May 28, 2012 at 4:03 pm #

    I support the Oreo approach. I did it this way before I had heard of it…I calmly called him home after three days of collecting evidence. I wrote him a letter explaining how I found out, which I never had done before. I explained I loved him and us, and could take blame for my part in neglecting marriage but let him understand he was wrong. We both went into honeymoon phase, flash forward a few years, no resolution, no counseling, no change. And I caught him with new phone and texting same woman… Again, I calmly stated, again the word CaLM, I wanted a divorce as I threatened if he repeated. So he repented, signed us up for intensive counseling, which I don’t recommend, we got mort’s program, which worked for two weeks, then nothing. I still say the Oreo and remaining calm is a necessity. I think an exit plan is required. I think whoever cheats, needs the space away…no contact works…a troubled soul will understand mistakes and will do whatever it takes to recovery marriage but a soul that gets caught, is only sorry for getting caught….I have consequences for h ways and he needs to meet them….I’m still however, waiting to get to the other side…..

  11. Paula May 28, 2012 at 4:57 pm #

    tsd, that’s so admirable. I, like many here, was blindsided, but once I got the text from the OW (my ex had ended it with her about a month earlier) a few things clicked into place, although I still thought it was some kind of bad dream. It was early in the night, at a mutual friend’s 40th birthday party, and the OW (my friend, yeah, right!) who was supposed to also be there, texted me at around 8.30pm to tell me what they’d been doing (for the previous 15 months – however at this point I thought it was a very recent development, maybe once or twice they’d screwed up.) I sat on that info for about 4-5 hours, enjoyed the party, and showed my ex the text when we were about half an hour into our drive home afterwards. I was weirdly calm, I told him I loved him deeply and passionately, always had, I’d thought we were stupid old “soulmates,” but that if this was the person who would make him happiest, he needed to go and be with her, I only wanted what was best for him, and ultimately, eventually, when my broken heart mended a little I knew that would be best for me and our three kids, too, I was self aware enough to understand all of that in that moment. If he wanted to stay with me, I was open to that, but we needed to ensure there was closure with OW – maybe we should all meet and talk, and then no more contact with her. Ever. I also said that I needed to know ALL the details, where and when they met, where they were having sex (I couldn’t understand that, we lived so far away from her, and we were leading crazy, busy lives, when did he have the time???!!) how often, of course they used protection (they didn’t) all that kind of thing, as I wanted to ensure that I would never have something I didn’t know come back and bite me in the bum later, and I needed to get us off to the sexual health clinic :-(. We also had a truly wonderful honeymoon phase, amazing sex, amazingly open communication, LOTS OF GENUINE, CARING, DEEP LOVE. I thought we’d make it, but he kept putting his foot in it by not realising what no contact meant. That meant not replying to her, not ever acknowledging her, etc. She wouldn’t agree to meet with me, or us, so she didn’t get to contact him, in my book. He didn’t want her, but I think he felt guilty for leaving her, as she was very upset and clingy – this woman had been single for the last 25 years – since he last dated her (read bunny was in the pot, doing breaststroke, getting a little hot under the collar!) So he kept trying to placate her, he told her outright he didn’t want her, and that she needed to let it go, that we had been dealt a savage blow, and she needed to stop contacting him – he showed me all the messages, and I did my own “snooping” to check he was telling me the truth – which I pointed out did not work, he needed to cut off her oxygen supply. It just meant she was getting the feedback she so desperately craved, even if it was negative feedback, I’m sure you all know this, all publicity is good publicity, right???

    I think if you have the benefit of being able to have the presence of mind to suspect an affair (I never suspected, damnit! This was the love of my life, the person I trusted more than I trusted myself, and my friend, who I invited everywhere with us, she holidayed with us, often at my invitation, for God’s sake) and you have the presence of mind to gather evidence, then it follows that you should be able to plan and execute a “conversation, not confrontation” as outlined above. It is about as emotive an issue as it’s possible to have to deal with, but you hold all the cards, as you know what the conversation is going to be about, AND you have the solid evidence to back you up! Good luck all of you who have yet to reach this point.

  12. Anita May 28, 2012 at 8:36 pm #

    I didn’t have to confront my ex about his affair, he admitted it. My response was “here we go again.” I got up and walked out of the room. He’s the one who asked me to come back in the room, he wanted to talk. However then he wanted to back date it and he wouldn’t tell me who.
    My reaction was “whatever.” His last affair wasn’t his first
    so, I left for a few days to stay with my brother, I wanted
    to divorce him, so I went back home and told him get out.
    He refused and neither one of us was going to give in.
    So I told him I was sleeping downstairs in the family
    room. So I did, then one night he came down and asked
    me to please come up to our bedroom and talk. So I went
    he wanted to go to marriage counseling, so we did.
    Things were ok for awhile and he started to become
    werid again, I believe this is when he resumed his
    affair again, we started fighting more and more, and
    I had enough and told him to straighten up or get out.
    He came with divorce papers and I signed and was it.
    Knowing what I know today, I am glad I gave him that
    last chance, because when it came time to divorce,
    I was ready.
    I have no regets for not using the oreo cookie method, on his last affair. There’s only so many times someone can
    hurt you before no longer want them in your life anymore.
    I hit the point of no return.
    The first time your spouse cheats, you still love them enough to want to work it out, however in my situation
    his last affair was enough I no longer trusted or respected
    him, a marraige won’t survive, without mutual respect or
    trust.

  13. Teresa May 29, 2012 at 11:52 am #

    I confronted my H at 2:30 in the morning…I couldn’t sleep, we had had a HUGE fight..on the way back from a wedding, HA!
    But it had been like that for weeks….my H had been such a jerk to me for weeks….anyway, his cousin, who knew ALL about his “friendship” wrote on her FB wall about what a wonderful man he was, that he deserved to be treated better, that it’s men like him that are NEVER appreciated by their wives, etc….I was like WHAT the heck is she talkin about? I was absolutey livid thinking my H had been telling his cousin awful things about me!
    I didn’t even know my H had been talking to her that much, maybe a random text every now and then….so I pulled up the CP records and saw hundreds of text and calls….so I woke my H up and demanded to know why he’d kept it such a big secret that he was talking to and texting his cousin…and OF COURSE, the joke was on me…because it wasnt his cousin..it was the COW he’d been calling and texting!
    Of course, he told me it was the EV (evil cousin) and I believed him for a few hours…but in the morning, when I was able to start thinking more clearly…it just didn’t sit well with me…I started asking questions, and the more I asked the more I knew he was lying..I just couldn’t figure out who it could be….But then I KNEW!! It all started to make sense….things that had been going on for the last 4 months ….and that’s when my life changed forever :(
    Did I stay calm..yes actually I did because all I could do was bury my head in the pillow and cry for hours…months later did I stay calm…Heck NO!! LOL!

  14. SamIam May 29, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    ohhhh~ calm only lasted about 22 hours after I caught him! I saw him with her snuggled under his arm at the Christmas party. How I ever held it together at the party is beyond me! But I did and all through the night (as I sat there thinking about all his fun adventures with her in the name of “work” for 7 months~ oh hello tell me about your EA!) Finally at 5 PM the next day I asked him to sit with me as I had something to say. He said he wanted to watch the football game so I just blurted out that I had made a plan to leave him. The fool went and watched the football game for 2 hours before he came back and asked why……. then the calm was no more. All h3ll broke loose. No article would have helped me~~ I have never been so angry in my whole life. Of course his denial only made me angrier. Then his laughter made me even angrier. And if there was even one more degree of angry I hit it when he said “You just wouldn’t know~ you don’t work”
    Pretty sure if I ever read an article about how to confront your spouse calmly~ it would have been no where to be found in my mind.

  15. Rachel May 29, 2012 at 7:01 pm #

    Samlam,
    Where are you now? Did you divorce your husband?

    • SamIam May 30, 2012 at 8:13 am #

      We are 16+ months post Dday. No, we did not/ will not divorce. We celebrate our 30th anniversary in 2 weeks. I am settled. We may never truly work through this as is just so much easier for H to not discuss anything. That is why I still post here~ I have an opportunity to express some things without bringing it all back up at home.
      Thank you for asking Rachel. How are you doing?

  16. Surviving May 31, 2012 at 12:16 am #

    I wonder if whoever wrote this book was a BS…
    This sounds like something out of step ford wives.

    If I could do anything different it would have been to go with my gut feelings.

    I was in shock when I found out the truth I wish I showed him anger and rage, instead I showed him shock and hurt.

  17. Gizfield June 5, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    my personality doesn’t really do rational and calm when I’m upset. Lol. Big offenses require a big reaction, it’s just a matter of when. I dont have a problem with that, it lets them know you mean business, you are a force to be reckoned with, and are capable of doing what you need to do. In my case, it was absolutely necessary to protect my family. If people didnt like it so be it.

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