Dealing with the pain when your husband won’t end the affair is a tumultuous journey. In this first part of her 2-part series, Sarah P. explores your leverage in this delicate situation, shedding light on the intricate dynamics of such affairs and guiding you towards regaining control in your marriage.

husband won't end the affairBy Sarah P.

It’s one of the worst feelings in the world: feeling you lost control of your marriage and have possibly lost your husband for good. Your husband was selfish enough to have an affair and yet you feel like you don’t have a say in what happens next. Or perhaps what hurts the most is the feeling that you are not enough.

But, here is the thing—feeling like you are not enough and actually not being enough are two very distinct things. Unfortunately, feelings are powerful and they can make or break you because they inform your perception of yourself.  This will influence how you carry yourself and even how you make decisions.

After your husband has had an affair, one of the biggest feelings (lies) you will have to overcome is that you were not enough. Otherwise, how could he have done what he did?

He did what he did for many reasons, but mostly because he was selfish and did not have enough integrity to stop himself. He is a flawed person who did not think of the harm he would be doing to his family.

But, regardless of his actions, you still have power – and a lot of it. You have more leverage than you could ever imagine and you can use your inherent position of power to get him to think twice about the other woman.

How to End an Affair – The Right Way

Understanding Your Power

You might ask yourself what kind of power you have when he won’t give up his affair partner.  The power that you have has to do with the nature of a man’s feelings when he has an affair. When men have affairs, here is what you need to know about how they feel about you:

  • When a man has an affair, usually, his love for his wife is not diminished.
  • When he has an affair, usually he does not want to give up his marriage.
  • A man can have an affair that is purely sexual and he can separate it entirely from his life as a husband and father. (1)
  • A man’s greatest fear is that his wife will have a sexual affair with another man. (Yes, this is a great paradox and a double standard. But, feelings are not logical).
  • A man has conflicting feelings for his mistress. On one hand, he is in lust and carried away by the heady cocktail of drugs the brain produces. (I call it “lust dumb”). On the other hand, he has a nagging feeling that he might have done the wrong thing and that the other woman isn’t so great.
  • A part of him knows the relationship with the other woman can go nowhere because she is inherently untrustworthy.
  • Ninety percent of men choose not to leave their wives for their mistresses. (Whether their wife leaves is a different matter).
  • A man can still be in what he considers a generally happy marriage while still having an affair.
  • Beauty is usually not a motivation for cheating since only 12% of cheaters think their mistress is more attractive than their wives. (2)
  • About 70% of men never believed themselves to be capable of cheating. (3)
See also  Ending an Affair: Getting Them to Stop

All of the above points make no sense to most women. But, knowledge is power and knowing his perspective on all of this allows you to see exactly where you stand. When you know where you stand, you can easily see the leverage that you have in your marriage.

emotional affair fantasyHow You Can Proceed When Your Husband Won’t End the Affair

The first thing you must do is to make sure that you do not carry yourself like a wounded warrior or like a woman who is second best. In fact, you should carry yourself as a woman who is the best because you did nothing wrong and you had the integrity to stay true to your marriage. Therefore, instead of walking around like you are afraid you are going to lose him, make him earn you back.

You can do this first by carrying yourself with confidence and by developing a full and meaningful life outside of your relationship. As Linda and Doug have mentioned several times over the years, self-care is vital.  Why not take up ballroom dancing without him, join a co-ed walking or jogging group, or go to the gym and get a personal trainer (perhaps a male one at that). Perhaps getting a haircut and color and updating your wardrobe with a couple of outfits that fit well and make you feel good about yourself. Why?

Are you doing this to get him back – to punish him?


All of this might sound superficial to you at first. But, if you think about it, you will soon realize that all of these things serve to build your confidence both inside and out.

When you take time for yourself, you are saying to yourself that you are worth it. You will naturally carry yourself like someone who matters and who deserves to take up the space around you.  Others will take note.

Taking a Stand in Your Marriage

Naturally, your husband will wonder what’s going on and start to think more about you and less about the other woman. After he sees a change, he may begin to fear that he will lose you. This is a big deal since he never stopped loving you and his intent was never to lose you.

See also  Surviving Infidelity: Getting Past the Anger

Finally, if he still doesn’t budge, it may be time to coolly and confidently ask him to leave. As you ask him to leave, you may remind him that he chose to pursue certain endeavors that are destructive to your marriage. Then, simply tell him he needs to start packing.

You might be thinking that everything I have said to this point is hogwash, too harsh, or un-Christian. But, I beg to differ since I attained this perspective after reading a book by Dr. James Dobson of Focus On the Family. The book is called Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis and it provides advice that sounds 100% counter-intuitive to most of us. (4)

Dr. Dobson openly admits that many men will have their cake and eat it too if they are allowed to do so. He says that the most powerful thing that a woman can do is to ask her husband to leave and to stand by that decision.

There will be no going back and forth, no crying, no listening to his manipulation and protestations of love. You do not have time for that and you will simply make sure he leaves. If he does not wish to do that, ask a male family member to come over and help him pack.

This is not the time to worry about his feelings, because he did not worry about how his actions would impact you or your children. (If the children ask, tell them that you two have some things to think about and the thinking is better done separately).

If you are a Christian, I urge you to ignore your pastor or friends who tell you that a Christian woman stands by her man. And if you are not convinced by what I say, you must read the book by Dr. Dobson, who is an authority on Christianity, to get the whole Christian perspective.

You must understand that when your husband has an affair, the last thing you want to do is to “give him grace.” I need you as a woman to put on your sassy pants and refuse to take it.

What purpose does any of this serve if he moves out—doesn’t that get you further away from your goal?

No again.

Facing the Consequences and Moving Forward

When he is asked to move out, a major shift in his thinking will occur. He will look at the other woman and blame her for what happened. He’ll start to look at her in a critical light and wonder if she was worth it. He will pull away from her.

See also  Forget About the Affair Fantasy and Get the Playbook

When he starts being less attentive to the other woman, her nasty side will likely rear its ugly head. The other woman will begin to act clingy, become demanding, and require more of him. She will give him ultimatums and order him to make choices he doesn’t want to make.

Suddenly, it’s not so fun anymore because real life hits him smack in the face. He will be ripped right off Fantasy Island only to be thrown into Fatal Attraction as the other woman stares him down with angry, bloodshot eyes. At that point, it will sure stink to be him.

You see, being a woman of integrity also means standing for principle and doing what is right. Both common moral codes as well as the Ten Commandments forbid adultery. If he will not give up the other woman, then refuse to be an enabler to adultery by allowing him to continue to live at home. But, forcing him to move out is also the very thing that will bring him back.

Even though it might seem frightening, please know that you have always been the one in the right and standing up in this way to his adultery could be the best thing that can happen to your marriage.

A final word: if this article makes sense to you, please order a copy of Dr. Dobson’s book because it contains all of the reasoning behind why it’s best to take a stand. But, it also provides the details of how to correctly pursue this course of action. My articles can only scratch the surface of topics and get you thinking in the right direction. But, always consult a professional before proceeding with life-changing events.

Always remember that you are not alone on your journey and there is relief in sight. 

Please share your own experiences and/or comments below.  Thanks!

Here’s the link to the second article in this two-part series.

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Inside the Mind of the Unfaithful
Understanding Why Cheaters Do What They Do

Doug talks with several ex-unfaithful persons who share their experiences, thoughts and feelings.  They answer the most asked questions betrayed spouses typically have for the cheater.



  1. Berman, Laura, PhD. “Cheating 101: Nine Surprising Facts about Infidelity.” Everyday Health. 2014. Updated January 24, 2013. Accessed: June 17, 2014. 
  1. Landers, Elizabeth and Vicky Mainzer. 2005. The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat. New York, NY: Hyperion. 
  1. Haltzman, Scott, M.D. 2013. The Secrets of Surviving InfidelityBaltimore, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press.
  1. Dobson, J. C., PhD. (1986). Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis. Word Publishing. (Note: This is the original mass-market paperback. Updated versions are available on Kindle).




    121 replies to "Time For Real Talk – The leverage you have when your husband won’t leave the other woman"

    • TheFirstWife

      This is interesting. And part of this is so accurate.

      I did ask my H to leave right after DDay2. I was out of patience. Boy did his head spin.

      I knew he wanted to leave after DDay1 but I was stubborn and felt we could get past the affair. But when I confronted him one night I finally had enough and said he needed to choose right then and there. Her or me. Marriage or divorce.

      He chose me. Our marriage. I was so happy.

      But it was a lie. Deep down he wanted her. And I saw it and knew it. I was treated poorly by him. And it was awful.

      But when I finally took my power back things changed bit took 6 months of me bending over backwards but I finally was out of patience with him.

      So it did work for me/us b/c that is the point where he realized what he would lose if he left. He finally woke up and faced reality and I was done playing the game.

      • Sam

        @TheFirstWife: Did you H leave twice? (it’s my dad) he’s just left for the OW for a second time… now!!!

        • TheFirstWife

          He did not leave. I did ask him to leave but it was due to a death in the family I asked him to stay for our kids sake. And it was around the holidays and I saw him making a supreme effort so I gave him a second chance.

          My H went back to OW for second time. But he saw things differently and ended it with her on the same day I told him to get out.

          He did ask for a divorce 2x in one week but both times begged for a second chance. He thought he wanted to leave but never did.

          I am sorry for your family and Mom for going through this. I had 6 months of hell. He had a mid life crisis. He went after a 29 year old drama queen with major tattoos and issues. And he believed all his friends would accept her.

          He was in the fog of his affair for months. She was wonderful and I was his boring wife (in his opinion). When he went back to her 2 months later it was because he was convinced that was what he wanted.

          Now he has deep regrets over all of it. When she tried to contact him a 3rd time he did not answer her.

          Maybe your dad just needs time and may realize he made a mistake. One thing I can tell you is that every time I told him he was free to leave he wouldn’t go. I never stood in his way or begged him to stay. It is pointless

          Act like you are moving forward. Put yourself first. Don’t wait around for him. Start living a separate life. Either way you need to put yourself first (your mom does too).

          She needs a lawyer and thetapist for her on how to deal with it all. It saved my sanity to have a good therapist.

    • Tabs

      I wish I read this article when DDay occurred. I would have handled things differently. My CH insisted that he loved the OW. But now, he retracts and says he never told me that. Funny how I remember it differently. Anyway, we are still married. But I will always believe my CH had his cake and got to eat it too.

    • Falling Ash

      On DDay when I confronted my OH with the texts I had found, I told him he had to choose then and there. That he was never to see or speak to her again IF he wanted to stay with me. He describes it as “a moment of clarity” in that he realised that all the crap he had been telling himself about it just being a close friendship because it wasn’t physical, was a load of rationalization and bullshit. Doesn’t mean it hasnt been one hell of a bumpy road since then, but at least he did own his shit from that moment on. I guess I should be thankful for that. Doesn’t negate the pain of knowing my OH was texting, emailing and meeting with another woman for 8 years behind my back though. We still have a very long way to go, as he still needs to work on being someone who can be comfortable with himself, without needing external validation, but that is something him and his counsellor are working on. I told him last night that I don’t think I will ever be “over” this. It will always be a part of me and us that will require ongoing work for the rest of our lives.

      • Ellen

        I discovered my husband has been having an emotional affair 3 weeks ago. My life has been upside down since then. My oldest daughter knew about it 1 1/2 years ago and he promised her he would stop contact with this woman and didn’t. He says they are just business friends. They talk afer I go to bed, in the middle of the night and at 6:30 am after I leave for work. This is not a business friendship. My grown children suspected long before I did because I trusted him. Now my world feels destroyed. I have been betrayed and I don’t know if I will ever trust anyone again. He says he will not contact her again but I do not believe him because he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong.

    • Rachel

      My ex told me that he wasn’t leaving her, not giving her up. He wanted an open marriage.
      Wow, I thought she must be something wonderful.
      Now that he’s divorced, and can be with her, he’s not. She’s still married.

      • TheFirstWife

        I guess he wasn’t all that! She is still married – wow !

        Are they still together? Just curious

        • Rachel

          I’m not sure if they are together . Bless her if they are. He’s so exhausting.

    • Hopeful

      I wish I had read this too. There is no way to know how to deal with this when faced with dday. I was shocked and at times am still shocked a year later. My husband had completely cut off and had zero communication with ap #2, with ap#1 they had random emails maybe every 3-6 months but had not seen each other in supposedly 5 or more years. Who knows.

      I feel like I was not needy or saying pick me but I was in the position where I felt like I needed my husband the offender to be the one to help me heal. This was all going okay until dday two. It was 5 months after the first one. And honestly it has been the hardest part. I cannot get past it, I am stuck. I feel like I do not know how to move forward when he sat and told me he would answer all my questions and try his hardest yet he fed me more lies and lots of them. That hurts more than all of it.

      I always think should I have asked him to leave would we be in a different place. My first priority was shielding my kids. But also he was the one to find me and pick me up off the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, he had to take care of me all those nights, call me through the days, try to feed me, really try anything to help me. And in a way I think it was important for him to see that first hand. I think if can be easy to minimize what the pain is like but he will not forget how I was affected since he saw it. He is way past the point where I am since he had moved past his affairs. He wanted to be done with them. I still am processing it all. One thing I have found is I am more assertive and I would say demanding I guess, I just am less tolerant. It seems to be working yet I have a hard time not feeling insecure about our future. All my husband talks about is how much he loves me, us and cannot wait to be with me at the end of the work week, when he retires etc. yet it is hard to feel safe. Time will tell…

      • Falling Ash

        Hopeful – I completely agree with every word of your last paragraph. It was so relevant to my story that it brought me to tears. 2 years tomorrow was DDay1. OH tells me every day how much he loves me. I wish I could believe it and feel it back.

    • Shifting Impressions

      Always love articles by Sarah P…….this was really helpful. I went right over and started reading Dobson’s book. Now I am familiar with Dobson’s work and used many of his principles when raising my kids. But reading the book with fresh eyes and applying it to my marriage…… that is interesting indeed. Couldn’t stop reading yesterday.

      My husband ended the EA the day I found the emails……….immediately….that I am very thankful for. But I find myself loosing power in much more subtle ways. It is a good reminder that we really need to be aware of our own personal power. It has been over two years since d-days but I am slowing waking up to the fact of some fairly subtle manipulation on his part.

      Example………when I need to talk he has a way of shutting down the conversation because…….hang on to your seats….it makes him “FEEL BAD” SOUND FAMILIAR????

      Anyway good read and lots to think about.

      Sometimes I grow so weary of it all……….So if we use all the tough love etc. and have them wanting us back etc. What then………will I ever really get over the pain of the betrayal.

      • TheFirstWife

        Good question. Do you ever get over the pain of betrayal and cheating and near divorce and separation?

        It makes me over analyze way too much now. And I really hate it.

        • Shifting Impressions

          Yes, TFW it keeps swirling round and round in my head as well…..I also have a tendency to over analyze…..where as I am married to someone who puts it away in a box…..far away in a box. That in itself creates a certain amount of tension.

      • Tabs


        Oh, so very familiar! I get the “I don’t like dwelling on what I did” reason, too. So, when I need to talk things out, I have to shut up because he can’t come to grips with what he did??? I just more inquisitive and start shooting more questions. By the end of the “conversation” (for lack of a better word), my CH usually has to pick a few questions to answer or I just keep asking going.

      • chely5150

        Mine always has some kind of ache, pain or some type of ailment that gets in the way of progress. Every time we begin to discuss any issue of importance or benefit this alwaya happens. Simply a diversion tactic, leading away from the real situation.

    • TheFirstWife

      Does it make a difference if it was an EA vs a PA? I know cheating is cheating. But I wonder if the anger and betrayal that is felt is different if it was an EA only. Or maybe if it was in a shorter duration – does that make a difference to the BS?

      I told my H once I could better understand you getting drunk one night and having a one night stand than the affairs you carried on. First was a 3 year EA and second was a one year PA/EA.

      Maybe I just cannot get past the cheating at all. I have a deep inner conflict about being married to a cheater. Maybe that could be a topic in the future. My gut says head for the hills – he is a cheater. My brain says see how much he has changed and it is ok to stay.


      • Shifting Impressions

        Wish I knew the answer to that one. He says it was an EA and not a PA but then again without any actual evidence to the contrary would he actually tell me the truth……..and therein lies the problem can I believe him?? How do you get that trust back?????

        He really is a wonderful, caring and giving person………..but he was also able to live a lie……and round and round it goes in my head,

      • Tabs


        My CH had two affairs, one PA and one EA. The PA, which started 8 months before the EA, was my first DDay. The EA, with a very young 20 something girl, was the second DDay. The 20 something was the worst offender because she knew he was married and tried to flaunt it in front of my face. To make matters worse, my “wonderful” CH didn’t stop flirting. I never met the OW from the P. But since she lives in another country, I doubt I ever will. I whole heartedly believe that my H was dumping the OW from the PA to start another PA. It was in the EA stage when I found out.

        I’m with you. My inner voice says it’s hard being married to a cheater. My logical side says he’s trying to work things out. Round in circles I go.

      • Ann

        Dear TFW
        For me I was able to forgive my CH with the first EA because it ended and didn’t become a PA. It was a weight that lifted off my shoulders when I did forgive him.
        With this second EA/PA it has not ended as it is on and off when he chooses it to be or so it appears that way. He says it’s not a PA anymore, but I cannot forgive him for the second affair as it is still on going, so I look at it as how can I forgive him when he won’t end it. So I have not.
        I also think if it had been a one night stand and he was sorry and was working on our marriage then yes I think it would be easier to forgive.
        He has still not apologized for either affair, and like you I feel I have inner conflict about being married to a cheater.
        But at this time will not change things as I will not put my 89 yr. old father (lives with me) through the pain he felt when my CH left me for the first EA.
        Yeesh is right.

      • Tired

        I think the worst thing is the emotional connection. For me the real pain is from being stabbed in the back and humiliated by someone I completely trusted. I am also insulted that he chose someone so lowly to cheat with. I am embarrassed about this. That said, an affair that involved sex as well as emotions would probably be worse.

    • antiskank

      Some of the ideas suggested sound great but I was not able to carry them out after either the first or the second D-Day. I was so totally devastated, it was all I could do to drag myself to work in between bouts of bawling uncontrollably.
      At the beginning my H denied everything. You know the story – “Just friends”, nothing more. He saw no reason to stop spending time with her at work or to stop texting her. It took a couple of months before his lame attempt at telling the skank that his wife thought their friendship was inappropriate so they should stop.
      Each time I insisted that he move out, he begged to be able to stay, declaring his love for me and promising that we would discuss all the details of his EA as well as our marriage. Once he thought he was safe again, he would find ways to cut me down, criticizing everything about me (and I do mean everything!) while comparing me to his perfect skank and to the goddesses of porn. I was told regularly that he didn’t love me and never had, never would. She was his one true love. Needless to say, he would never discuss any of the important issues or answer my many questions.
      For short periods of time, he could play the game and put on a pretty good act. He could play the repentant, loving guy that wanted “only me”. Problem was he would still never talk about the issues and i was doing all the work.

      D-Day # 2 came after two and a half years, when he admitted that he had been doing nothing to help repair the damage or help me heal because he still wanted her. When faced again with leaving, he claimed that he was finally over her and would do anything to stay with me. I guess anything does not include talking to me, respecting me, or loving me.

      We are approaching 4 years since I found out about his affair. He shuts down completely if I try to discuss anything at all about his affair, our relationship – past, present or future. He is extremely uncomfortable if I discuss feelings and he will not express any at all. I gave him a choice a while ago – talk about all of the things I need to discuss, especially his criticisms of me and the state of our marriage OR we would separate and go our separate ways. He has not discussed anything and as time goes by, he shuts down more and more to the point where I cannot get a single response at all from him. this week, I have tole him that it is time to go our separate ways because I cannot go on this way. He insists that it isn’t what he wants but can’t figure out how to talk to me or what to do.
      Am I being unfair or unreasonable in expecting him to do some of the work to repair our marriage? I feel very damaged by him as well and yet he has done nothing to address it. It is very difficult to walk away from someone that you have been with since the age of 16 (42 years) but I feel disrespected, unloved, unvalued and like cast-off garbage when I am around him. If this is as good as it gets, count me out!

      • TheFirstWife

        I am sorry it has ended this way. You appear to have given him your 100% self and please know your feelings are valid.

        Your H on the other hand, like most men, including mine to some degree, wants it to go away. So he believes that by burying his head in the sand it will.

        But we all know it won’t unfortunately.

        My therapist would say to me if after 4 years you have not gotten past the hurt and anger and issues and you are not getting support or healing from your spouse you have 2 choices. Either accept the current situation, whatever it is, as the status quo and your relationship as it is now or move on.

        It sounds harsh I know. But sometimes the leopard just won’t change its spots not matter how much you try. And if you feel you are the only one trying then you will continue to bang your head against the wall.

        It infuriates me when I get silence from my H when I ask a question. Because that is what he did for 3 years with his first EA. I would say this has crossed a boundary and he would refuse to talk.

        So that silent passive aggressive act can no longer cut it. It just does not help you (or him).

        I just don’t get why the CH have such a difficult time with the healing. We BS practically spell it out and they still can’t do it.


        Hugs to you for hanging in there all this time. As my therapist would say you can walk away knowing you have given your best and tried your hardest but just could not make it work.

        Also I sometimes wonder if they really want s divorce but want the BS to ask for it this way it eases their guilty conscience. They can lie to themselves yet again and say she wanted the divorce not me. I’m not guilty here. As if the affairs didn’t cause it.

        Men! (No offense Doug)?

        • chely

          I agree with you completely that I feel that ch wants a divorce but has never persued for 2 reasons, the first in agreeance with you I believe he wants me to be the one to start the divorce as then he has a tool to get sympathy from others. And second maybe more important is that I feel he has been hiding assests during the last few years (we have remained together for almost 5 years after discovery) in preparation for divorce (no matter who starts it). I have hired a forensic accountant to dig into this deeper and if I find anything hidden I AM DONE WITH HIS ASS! Despite the fact that we get along, enjoy lots of the same things and actually have great sex – things just feel off, he never helped me with any sort of healing, never discuss the elephant in the room and he has never addressed any of the items (being a pack rat,never sharing any financial info with me, continuing to work LONG hours daily) that are crucial to us surviving. It no longer matters to me who files, if I find out he has hidden anything I will gladly be the one to start this divorce.

      • Penny

        It has taken me 8 years to finally stand up to the man who has also been in my life for over 42 years. After having a ‘mid-life crisis’ and moving out on me and our two young adult children, it took several months for him to admit that his ‘friendship’ with a work colleague was far more than that (as I had always suspected).

        In shock and frozen in a state of trauma for many years, I allowed him to come in and out of my life at his whim. He would always tell me he loved me, even when he was at the same time in the thick of his affair with this other woman. I clung to the hope that surely he would ‘get over her’. She was relentless in her pursuit of him, knowing full well that he had been married for over 30 years. For this I don’t think I can ever forgive her, let alone understand how a woman can be so cruel and ruthless (narcissistic?) to another person.

        It is only after a year of counselling and focusing on myself, to restore my self-esteem, dignity and trust in my gut feelings, that I have been able to clearly state to him that there is no future for ‘us’ while she is still in his life, in any way shape or form. I am now standing firm and have regained my sense of power in the relationship. I have no room for this woman in my life (or his). For way too long now he has been able to have his cake and eat it too. Either he ‘forsakes all others and commits to our relationship’ or I am moving on with my life.

        He is still reeling in a state of confusion and unable to make a firm decision. I, meantime, am moving on with my life. I no longer see myself as the ‘victim’ in this 3 way relationship and can see just how strong I have had to be to survive. I have told him this and explained that a lesser person would have ended up a complete ‘nut case’ by now. I am busy reconnecting with my friends and family, trying new hobbies and planning my next adventures.

        It is not easy to take such a firm stance, but for your own sake, please believe me when I say it is worth it. I mourn for our relationship every day and probably always will. But I simply could not put up with his ambivalence and blindness to the trauma he was inflicting on me any longer. I know I deserve better than this and so do you.

        The person you are with should make you feel good about who you are. It is obvious from your email that this is not what you feel when he is around (and believe me I get this sister)! Have faith in who you are, be kind to yourself, move forward and upwards – it is worth the struggle, sweat and tears.

        • TheFirstWife


        • Shifting Impressions

          That couldn’t have been easy….but I applaud you!!! I’m with TFW BRAVO!!!

        • Untold


        • Sharon

          Penny I cannot believe how much your story sounds like my life.
          I live in a very small community and see this woman every day, he works with her.

          He has never lived with her.

          This man has had all the best that a family can offer, coming and going as he pleased for 8 years – yes his cake and eating it to.

          My children have questioned why I have allowed this to go on for so long, and I cant answer them, because I cant understand it myself.

          People say its easy to move on, no it isn’t. I am a strong capable person in every other part of my life, yet I still struggle with this everyday

    • Elisa

      My situation is a little different and still playing out. My husband had an EA with someone at work. He insisted he was only trying to help this person. She has a bad reputation and cheats on her husband constantly with coworkers. They work in law enforcement. I believe that he has not been sexual with her. He has done other things though. We are still working things out. He recently changed work shifts so they wouldn’t see each other. There are possibilities of them still crossing paths which bothers me. He can switch work locations which would help but he doesn’t. I wonder if this is something I should push or if I should just try to trust him?

      • Heartbroken

        Yes I remember reading that in the past. It helped reading it but it’s still tough to swallow how a man who claims to love you can continue a relationship for an entire year after discovery knowing it was killing me. This is what I have the hardest time with.

      • Tired

        Hi Elisa.

        My husband continued to work with the woman for a couple of months. Even though I’m fairly sure nothing was going on I was always in a high state of anxiety. Especially because my husband was still depressed and I knew she was the one who pursued him and was still interested. It was only when he left that job for good that I could rest easy. I completely understand where you are coming from. Perhaps your husband could apply for a transfer?

    • Beatrice

      I think that would work for me, but how do you do that when you are an expat living in China? My H of 26 years is involved with a 25 year old Chinese since September last year. He admitted to have sex with her the very next day, and with the details. He wants to have fun, to have a double life as he said.

      • Tabs


        I sympathize with you. My CH does business in Shanghai and had an affair with a 28 year old for over 9 months before DDay. I got the almost the same description. He had “fun” with a much younger, energetic woman and… had “all night” sex on the their first meeting. I don’t know if she understood that he was married, but it sure didn’t matter to both of them. Are you still living in China?

        • Beatrice

          Yes, we are still in China, and I’m still with him. I have nowhere to go. Wait, I can go back and live with my mother in her house, that was his suggestion. I cannot kick him out either. Over the years being on the international status, we sold our houses, as we moved. He knows, he can do what he do, because he has power. There are a few people who know what is happening. We have a son, he is a student in US, and I cannot tell him what is happening. I’m on antidepressant, because I was not able to cope anymore; suicidal, etc…

          • TheFirstWife

            Your situation is rather unique. I say get back to the US and get a lawyer. Depending upon your state of residence you have different laws on marital assets.

            You may feel better if you have a plan B in place. Do not wait around for him to decide what he wants.

          • TheFirstWife

            You need to get a plan B for yourself. Fly back to the US and consult an attorney.

            If you take control of the situation you will at least feel better about yourself. Trust me.

            While living abroad adds a unique set of circumstances to your situation you should be hatching an escape plan. And separation plan.

            Get money in your name. Get an apartment in the U.S. for yourself if you have to.

            Once you “do” something to stand up for yourself, you will feel better.

            And don’t worry my H turned 50 and typical mud life crisis had an affair. She was 29 with tattoos, drama, major drama queen and issues. He was going to rescue her from her life and problems. All rosy and wonderful.

            When she came after me out if revenge (for no reason) he saw who/what she really was.

            These men think with their lower half of the body way too often. They like them young and dumb.

            • Beatrice

              Yep, kind like that: she cannot get an orgasm (she was molested as a child) and he wanted to get her one eventually. What a laugh! He couldn’t perform the first time, and now he is using Viagra. The drama continue… I’ve read, that those Chinese money grabbers know they have only 3 months with these 50+ men, after that men cool down. So in February she changed the tactic, they stopped using protection. Now, she is keeping him without sex, if all this is the truth, and they meet only for coffee or lunch.
              Has this ever end – mid-life crisis?
              He said, that he could other way but only, if he can come back to me, if the new life will not work.

              I wish I can separate my feelings, and stop thinking about my CH. Anyone can help how to do that? I try to do all kinds of things, but all the time sliding back…

              At the moment, I have no country, no home, and it looks like I’m loosing my family.
              I’m not American. I have a dual nationality, and there is a problem with the jurisdiction.

            • Tabs


              I’m not sure I understood your last comment. Does your CH want to keep his 25 year old toy and still have you? Or has he stopped seeing her and now wants you back?

              Also, where does you husband from?

            • Beatrice

              Yes, he does want to keep me and have her too. At least this is what he is saying. Two days ago I’ve heard, that she is his girlfriend. First time when he said to me “my girlfriend” I had a nervous break down. This time I was completely without reaction, as if he was talking about somebody else. He said, they are in love, she was in love with him right from the beginning. Two months ago my CH have read Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. The book is trying to prove that monogamy is not a natural state for men, and now my H is using it to justify his action.
              He is not Muslim, if this is what you want to know.He is none believer now, but he was born in a Roman Catholic family.

            • TheFirstWife

              He is using the book to justify his actions.

              So he now has a “girlfriend” who may or may not be after him for money, status, green card, etc. if there is a big age difference he may be able to sustain the relationship for a long period of time. She may tire of him and walk away for someone closer to her age.

              But what are you doing to protect yourself financially? I hope you are stockpiling $ in your own name.

              I think you need a plan b.

              I do sorry you are in this position

            • Beatrice

              TheFirstWife & Tabs thank You for your support!

              Yes, I did manage to move half of our savings to my account. Unfortunately, money were never important for me, and it’s difficult to turn around, although my CH thinks I’m with him for “his” money now, as if I was sitting pretty all those 26 years. I work as well as a contractor, so I have my own savings.
              You all know, the pain of all our CS behavior is so intense, and I want to rather cease to exist then fight…

            • TheFirstWife

              Yes Beatrice the pain of a cheating spouse is horrible. But I also can see how sneaky they can be.

              It may be your H is hoping you walk away without a fight about money or assets. He is hoping you will quietly go away as that will ease his guilty conscience.

              For months I felt my H wanted a divorce and I think he was hoping I would ask for it. This way he could tell himself that I asked for it, not him. It is possible that is what your H is waiting for. Don’t give in. Stand firm and if the marriage is going to lead to that, force him to ask for it. Don’t make it easy for him.

              Hell when my H asked for it I felt like finally! I knew it was coming. Then he changed his mind and begged me to stay the next day. I said ok but requested we go to counseling. Then he walked in the door one week later and said I want a divorce. Out of the blue. Four hours later he begged me to stay and how he made a mistake and please please please he wants to be married.

              He was acting crazy and I was ready to get off the merry go round.

              Do not make it easy for him to continue his behavior. Not saying all out war or screaming yelling matches but don’t lay down and be a doormat either.

              And when this new relationship blows up in his face be prepared. He will come crying to you for you to clean up the mess. I have seen it too many times.

              It is called mid life crisis for a reason. It is called infatuation for a reason. It is called “soulmate ” crap for a reason. They blame the spouse for a reason. The word is justification. Plain & simple.

            • Tabs


              I fully agree with TheFirstWife. Don’t make anything easy for him. He’s thinking only of himself. What my CH didn’t understand (or refuse to understand) was that the “girl friend” wanted something. They don’t care what they have to do to get it either. In my case, it was a visa out of China. Funny, it was something I could see from far away, but my husband insisted it was love.

    • Emily

      This thread takes me back to my own D-Day and I’ve felt just how you ladies feel. I had to comment. It’s hard to see it but all the answers are in you. When I started taking care of myself, seeing my friends, excersizing (I’m not a size 2 or anything like that but just got healthier), spending quality time with my kids and enjoying myself and stopped worrying about my H and his affair and the particulars that’s when I started to get better.
      It all came from inside of me. As I started to feel better a lot of the details of what went on didn’t matter to me anymore. I got happy myself. I know it sounds cliche and stupid but taking care of myself helped me to see I didn’t want to be in my relationship anymore. Conversely, I have a girlfriend who went through the same thing as me (we met in a workout class) and her feeling better about herself made her want to work on her marriage. And so she did.
      I just wanted to say that sometimes we get in “ruts” or we don’t know where to start to get things on the right track and I’ve found that we can only control ourselves and our own actions so we have to start there And everything sort of flows from that. Hope that helps! Xoxo

      • Ana

        That s exacly what i m trying to do. 3 mounths ago I discovered that my H and a so called friend of mine have an affair. She is 30 years younger than he is and is married and has two little kids. We also have a 11 years daughter that unfortunatly knows of her father affair. Firs when i found out i was devastated but Ihad to get my life back. Since he still want me and the other w, I separated but i m forced to live in the same house. Is difficult but i m taking care of my self and my daughter. I m just hoping to be able to leave in a few years.

    • Falling Ash

      I am feeling so upset this morning and really need to vent. I didn’t sleep at all last night because today is the 2nd antiversary of DDay 1 and I was anxious about how my OH would deal with it. OH woke up early because he said he sensed I was awake. I told him I had been awake all night and he asked “Why?” When I told him, he said he hadn’t remembered because this date didn’t mean anything to him. What???? The date that my life imploded doesn’t mean anything??? He said he didn’t mean it in that way and he thought we only acknowledged DDay 2. Maybe so for him, but for me it is branded on my brain. Feeling really sick, tired and emotional.

      • Emily

        Its hard to acknowledge it but nothing that your H did was about you. You did nothing to create the circumstance. Don’t feel bad about yourself! It is no reflection on you what happened. Just look at all the seemingly “perfect” women in this world that have had similar situations! Halle Berry, Vanessa Bryant, Sandra Bullock – all these ladies are gorgeous and seemingly have it all together and their H’s cheated. That’s because it’s not about them! It’s about your H and whatever he was trying to fill up in himself at the time.
        i felt the same way as you until I realized it wasn’t about me. I divorced my cheating spouse and guess what? He’s still a cheater! I wish I would have known that and saved myself all the insecurity and heartache.
        I’m not saying you should divorce but what I am saying is we tend to make these things super personal attacks. We are so hard on ourselves And in reality we can’t control another persons actions or behaviors and nothing you can do or could have done justifies that kind of behavior!!!
        I hope you feel better! Xoxo

      • TheFirstWife

        We have all been there. That is why healing is difficult b/c the person that caused the pain is the one we turn to for help in healing.

        Sounds kind of crazy doesn’t it?

        There are times when I lower my expectations and then I am not as disappointed by the outcome. Not on major things but on smaller things like an expectation that my H would remember a date or song or phrase that is a trigger or something like that.

        So many who post here will tell you we have all been on that path. I used to get upset but I don’t anymore. Why? Think about it. It is hard for some men to acknowledge their own feelings let alone someone else’s.

        So while you spoke to him about it, you got the response many of us would have expected.

        Sorry it had to happen but it is so typical.

    • Sarah P.

      Hello Ladies,

      Hope this article was helpful to everyone. Just wanted to offer big hugs to you all and also chime in.

      I came across an interesting blog last night where a man in his late 20’s discusses everything women can do to get into a relationship with a man. Kind of an interesting premise because most of us over the age of 30 or married may not have the mindset that we have to do everything possible to attract a man. The guy writing the blog says it’s our job and gives all kinds of advice on how to look and carry oneself. That’s good for a girl in her 20’s who wants to date but not good advice for those wanting to marry. But, that is beside the point.

      The post that interested me on this fellow’s blog was one about men and infidelity. It was short, casual, and written in the style of that of millennials. (i.e. they try to downplay everything). But, it sure did contain the message. The fellow noted a conversation he had with his male friend one day. The male friend was talking about his girlfriend and describing how great she was. Said girlfriend was described as ‘hot’, ‘hyper sexual’, a good cook, someone who would clean his apartment, wash his clothes, and have sex if the guy so as much looked at her. He even said his girlfriend picked him up at the airport wearing a thong and a trench coat. Also, he said his girlfriend had a model-type body and dressed well. To top it off, she was also allegedly intelligent.

      So, some of us ladies have been taught that if you really want to spoil a man and meet all of his needs, you basically become a hybrid between a chef, a maid, a masseuse, and a nymphomaniac. In fact, we are told that if we become such women (like the guy’s girlfriend), it’s a way to ensure that our men never stray.

      But, those of us who witnessed bra burning or were born soon thereafter know that we have so much more potential as women. Look at the female CEO’s, artists, politicians, and all of the accomplished woman out there.

      So how can we be both?

      Well, here is the kicker, it does not matter one bit.

      Because, the story between the two guys taking continued. The guy with the ‘perfect’ girlfriend told the blog author he was feeling ‘itchy’ and was fantasizing about all of the other women besides his girlfriend. This fellow even admitted that who would sleep with a girl who was “ugly” just to get variety. The author of the blog asked him why that was. The friend said he just couldn’t help it.

      So, the author of the blog concluded that men are wired to want sexual variety, even when they are head-over-heels in love with their girlfriends/wives, and even if that sexual variety is far inferior to what a man has. But, he also said that men have the willpower to choose NOT to cheat. But, he also admits it’s extremely difficult and does not reflect on the wife or girlfriend.

      So, the takeaway here is that, yes you can go to the gym and dress well and take care of yourself. But, all of it is for YOU and it will make you feel good. On the other hand, don’t be fooled into thinking that your husband strayed because of anything you did or even how you look. I lost a former fiance and a home due to another woman soon before the wedding. It hurt like hell and is still shocking to this day, 15 years later. (I am married but it’s still shocking). I can assure you that the woman he gave me up for was not worth it. (I am not saying that to be arrogant– there are objective things that can be evaluated to come to this conclusion. And she was in no way more attractive).

      The point of all of this is that it is not you and there was nothing you did to make him stray. I know you all know this, but I still like to reiterate it. 🙂

      • Emily

        Well put!!! Being on the other side as well and away from my ex cheating spouse that message is the ONE thing I wish I could tell every woman who is going thru this:
        It’s just not about you.

        Such a freeing thing to realize!

        • Jen


          What you have written really helped me today. I found out about my husband’s affair in January of last year and have spent the last year with him yo-yoing back and forth between her and I. I have felt so stuck in my pain, and my responsibilities I haven’t been able to “get happy”. Also the wounds from the back and forth made it soo much harder. There was a breaking point between the two of them in early December 2017 where she really showed her crazy and beat him up, tried to say he hurt her, and just acted completely insane. She was arrested, but of course he ended up breaking the restraining order and the pull to her was too strong. They are both firefighters and she is known for her escapades with so many men it’s gross. I just recently have realized I have wasted a year on worrying about my future instead of living my life. I am a competent, successful, beautiful mom who should not and will not be competing for his affection any longer. I wish I could’ve saved my marriage but was so tired of the lies and excuses, and being the only one who put in any effort. All of the posts that say, “it’s just not about you” are so completely true, but so hard to process while going through the trial. Anyway, thanks so much!

          • TheFirstWife

            Hi Jen. Sorry the last year was pure hell.

            We understand the drama and pain and being a third person in a M with an Affair going on.

            But you have survived it. You have emerged from the drama and have made a decision to no longer be a party to your CH’s mess.

            Good for you. First of many steps towards YOU and your life.

            I wish you the best.

            Just be prepared for his possible “I want you back” routine. Happens often.

            Just a suggestion – you now have your power back In the relationship. Don’t ever give it up. He wants you – he has to prove it. Not his words. But his ACTIONS.

            And if he won’t agree to the boundaries you set or expect them please think twice.

      • bor


        “So, the author of the blog concluded that men are wired to want sexual variety, even when they are head-over-heels in love with their girlfriends/wives, and even if that sexual variety is far inferior to what a man has. But, he also said that men have the willpower to choose NOT to cheat. But, he also admits it’s extremely difficult and does not reflect on the wife or girlfriend.”

        How old 20’s? yeah that would be a sign of immaturity and not knowing what you want or what to respect in a person or yourself.

        I can tell you from my perspective, my CS has always been very attractive to me and I had never thought about other “ugly women” as being what i would consider a good thing to have sex with just for variety. they better be a step up to me visually for me to say “wow, i think i should try to cheat”. So from the stand point of variety, I feel the partners must talk about this to get it into the open if you are feeling attracted to something different or at least open to trying something different with your partner. Something my CS has never been able to do with me and if she would have it would have probably lead to less marital dissatisfaction to where I wasn’t spending so much of my volunteer time coaching my two older sons in hockey. But the notion that it is hard wired and hard to resist I reject that notion. Core values are thought about and you can only be true to yourself. If you have never thought about what your core values are and I think most people in their 20’s hardly even know what they want to do with their life most certainly do not even know what their core values are. What do you what on your tombstone? is a good place to start.

    • Falling Ash

      Emily ant TFW – Thank you for your words of support. OH and I talked at length last night and I think he has a better understanding of what I need from him at these times. I acknowledge that he would rather the past just went away and we concentrate on the future, but he now understands that can’t happen for me and he has to be sensitive to that and support me through these times that remind me of his past behaviours. Feeling better today after some sleep and talking about it. Thanks for the support.

    • Dee

      Hi, I don’t come on to this site very often as my OH’s EA was a few years back now. I do ‘pop into’ it now and again though as this subject really interests me…A bit of background…My OH had an EA with a much younger work colleague that he ended up ‘confessing to’ after my suspicions were aroused. He thought he was in love with her and even though we stayed together and he ended it with her, the after effects of his lying, ambiguity about what he wanted and the consequences it had on our family lasted for a long time and even now, haunt us occasionally( the triggers can still be there). I just wanted to say that immediately after it all came out, I was broken, totally lacking in self-confidence and blaming myself. To cut a long story short, I think this allowed my OH to go on blaming me instead of looking at himself and to continue to ‘mourn’ his ‘lost love’. Eventually I had had enough of his continued lies and emotional incontinence and told him that I couldn’t care less whether he stayed or not. if he really wanted her, he had to leave the marriage and ‘find out, once and for all’. He told me that yes, he probably did need to find out and we calmly agreed to separate. I was heartbroken, but knew I was taking the power back for myself and needed to do this to survive. It wasn’t until I also calmly told him that he could take as much time as he needed, but that I too would also take the time, to find out what I wanted and that I could not guarantee that I would be ‘available’ if he decided that he wanted me after all, that he did a complete 100% U-turn. From that day, although there have been ups and downs, we are largely back to where we were in happier times. He knows that I WILL NEVER tolerate any thing like this happening again and more importantly, that I can live without him…. and I know that I can and would. Our relationship has changed, it isn’t what it was in those halcyon days, but then we are both older and more tolerant and respectful of each other, and so have developed a new one that is good, different, but good. I agree with this article wholeheartedly, but also know that the initial shock can lead us to do many things we vowed to ourselves we would never do over a man. It doesn’t matter when we take back control, just that we do….eventually.

      • TheFirstWife

        Why is that the kick in the head they need?

        I told my H numerous times if you want to be with her, go ahead. I’m not standing in your way. But he wouldn’t leave. He would be nice for a day or 2 and then it was back to the “I love you but not in love with you” routine and “I don’t know what I want” routine and all that crap. Watching him walking around putting her feelings first and ahead of mine

        Why is our threat or ultimatum usually what snaps them out of it?

        It’s like we are their mother instead of their spouse. Which I refuse to be.

        As I posted previously I mo longer do his laundry or small errands to save him time or plan things for him. Those days of him being on a pedestal are over. I treat him well but now I come first. I get to read more books and articles and plan my weekend around me.

        He just has to suck it up in some cases. No longer a doormat.

        • theresa

          I told him I will no longer play the role of


          That appears to be his criteria for a marriage. His list ends here.

          That is not my role as a wife. My list goes on and on from this.
          A marriage has the partners playing all these roles and so much more.
          I have never gotten a list of the roles he feels a husband should play.
          I don’t know where his,”inspiration” comes from.
          He must have a different script.

        • Gorgeous1stWife

          I totally feel u! Y issit TOW came off as victim of it all? She gets all the attn n love from my CS. CS just explains that she is the one he will be leaving and i will be the one he spends the rest of his life with. BS to all that I’d say! I agree not to be a doormat. Stop waiting n move on to making urself happy. Spend ur love on ppl who matters n appreciate it like ur kids, old folks, siblings n even ur pets! Stop wasting ur efforts n tears on a looser who is too immature to make up his mind n just play games to buy time being with his mistress.

    • Emily

      Good for you ladies! Why does the H get to make all the decisions? Don’t wait on him! Make them yourselves and your H’s can either get on board or keep it moving!
      Decide what you need to happen going forward and trust in yourselves that no matter what your H does with that information you will be all right!
      They married you guys and fell in love with you for a reason and the reason probably wasn’t because you were a doormat. Take that power back!!

      • TheFirstWife

        You are right. I will have a nice weekend b/c he is away. It’s all about me! Woohooo

    • Gia

      I actually followed a lot of what was in this article without reading it or knowing about it. I was pregnant with my first child with my CH started an EA which turned into a physical affair during my pregnancy. After about 2-3 months when the signs became obvious, I left home and we were separated for the duration of our pregnancy. I changed and over a period of months, I became less devastated and I learned to enjoy my pregnancy alone. I hired lawyers on the 3rd trimester of my pregnancy and presented my CH with divorce documents and a proposal for custody and access to my child when he was born. It is weird but that was when the fog had lifted for my CH and at that point, I started looking forward to an independent life. I worked in a partnership with my CH and I was removed to accommodate the OW so I had a new job and was about to purchase a new home. Now I have a CH who adores my baby and I cannot forgive him. I have moved back into my old home and I tolerate my CH simply because I want to put my life back together. I want to still purchase a home and ensure that I have a steady income just in case, I am ever displaced of a job or my home again if my H haves an EA or PA in the future. I am in turmoil daily because I do not know how to trust again or to forgive but I do enjoy the moments we share as a family and we both adore our son who is a few months old.

      • TheFirstWife

        Being younger than many of us here on this blog we have different experiences and circumstances.

        Your H may have been scared about being a father (of course that is no reason to cheat) but understand that men (Or the male species as we know real men don’t cheat) face their anxiety or issues differently. Men do not like to talk about their problems. They will drink, cheat, over eat or work out, take up a hobby but anything but open up and discuss their issues or feelings.

        That being said you have to look at your life now. Is his escape going to be to cheat when your baby gets sick and is up all night crying? Or will he cheat during the stressful terrible twos or teen age years? Who knows. No one does. Parenting is challenging and rewarding and fun.

        In hindsight I wish I would have had a clue about much of this. My h had an EAs for 3 years (before kids). Turned 50 and then had a full blown PA/EA and was about to divorce me. Typical mid life crisis.

        In retrospect I would never had suspected he would cheat. The EA was bad enough but I forgave, overlooked it and moved on.

        I was stupid! I should have been more prepared.

        So I don’t want to say your H will cheat again. This could have been a reaction to impending fatherhood. However I think you should have a plan B in place at all times. Housing, parenting and money for you and your child.

        I don’t think you want to spend your life being suspicious and asking questions and tracking down the truth from what the cheaters will tell you is the truth.

        Have the power to know you can make a change at any time. You are empowered to do what is best for you and your child every step of the way.

        My H is a good father and I would never deny him his children. One is off to college soon and we have one in HS. But that doesn’t mean I have to stay and put up with an intolerable marriage for the sake of the children. They will survive if we divorce and so will I.

        It is my new reality. While our marriage is good I have learned that he does not view us in the same way. If he did he would not have been able to practically toss me aside so easily.

        Consult an attorney. I now have a post nup. Any $ in my name he has no claim against in a divorce. I suggest you do do if you plan to purchase your own house. Otherwise he may be entitled to it.

        I wish you all the best!

      • TheFirstWife

        GIA. I forgot to add something my therapist told me. To have a “successful” divorce and happy life after a divorce – it helps to know that you did everything you could to make the marriage work. If you still feel you cannot forgive him and this will be a black cloud over your head for the rest of your life then you may want to consider divorce.

        If you can not forgive him the underlying anger will surface again and again. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life angry and bitter. Life is too short.

        I had a wonderful therapist who helped me through all the stages of post affair life. His advice has been right on the $

    • TryingHard

      Good article. My only criticism is legally you can’t make him leave the home. He has every right to stay there. I don’t care how many male relatives you bring over. Not sure forcing him to leave does any good anyway. BUT. you can ignore him and live your life separately under the sme roof. You can start divorce proceedings. You can move to the basement. You can be gone when he gets home from work. But you can’t force him out. Now if he leaves that’s desertion of the home and you can def get a restraining order keeping him out and change the locks. Ask me how I know:)?????

      The rest I agree with. Start taking care of you. Show him what he’s losing and mostly empower yourself and get good legal advice. Whether you choose to act on it or not. It will give you an empowering attitude. Drove my h nuts when I did this. All he wanted to do was manipulate me financially and legally. I stood firm and didn’t play the game. Told him I would not discuss the legalities according to my lawyers advice. He’d stomp off like a fat third grader. He’d come back and try again. Told him I was open to discussing our relationship, problems etc but first he had to end the affair. I stood firm and it worked.

      Take care of you first. Yes pamper yourself but first and foremost GWT SMART. He’s not in charge of you, you are

      • TheFirstWife

        Shhh my H doesn’t know that. Hahaha

    • Sam

      Is there any blogs on here where the beytrayed share their stories of if their H/Partner is still or not with the AP? I want to read some… please.

    • Sam

      I’ve been reaing a lot about “resentment” within a relationship that starts out as an affair, that the CS can blame the OW for making and forcing them to leave the BS (wife), when the sparks and infactuation/fog wears off. It can get abusive for the OW (mentally as well as physically)

    • TryingHard

      I am so sorry your husband had chosen to disrespect you in such a callous way. Looks as if he’s found a way to validate his morally reprehensible behavior. Hitler validated his choices as well by the written word!!!

      I hope you are leaving this pig.

      • Beatrice

        Well said. But it is not that easy for me to just leave.

    • TryingHard

      I hear you. It is hard especially at a certain age. You don’t deserve this. You did nothing to cause it. Ceasing to exist is not an option. Fighting for yourself and winning is what you want. Living a better life without that narcissist is the way.

      I told my h from the beginning “there’s the door if you want her”. I would have preferred living in a cardboard box than letting him disrespect me anymore. You can do it. Squirrel your money away and find a great lawyer

      • Beatrice

        I know it is not, but I do not have any strength to fight anymore.

        • TheFirstWife

          I am sorry to hear that. You know you deserve better. If you stand up to him on any way you will feel better about yourself. Trust me!

    • Gettingitback

      My D-Day was on the 2nd April. In the week following I was a total mess – I begged, pleaded, cried (so much crying!) for him to leave to leave her and end it. He was ‘unsure’ and talked about how I can’t understand their connection and ultimately that he would not stop contact with her.
      The toll it’s taken on me has been horrendous. I felt like I was in a nightmare…but somewhere in my mind I know I thought “why am I the one begging?” I’m not the one who did something wrong here.
      Then yesterday I read this article. At first I still felt it would just push him away to her, and I was afraid to force anything. Then I felt a steely resolve growing inside me and knew that I had to take back control of the situation. When he got home from work, I was cooking, had music on and laughing with our two little daughters. He could tell something had shifted and I told him. I was done with tears and the games, it made me feel worthless and pathetic and I won’t allow him to make me feel like that anymore. If he doesn’t like our life, then I feel sorry for him – we have so much to love but if it’s SO bad for him, the he can just go. Go to her – and live in their fantasy bubble until the fog lifts. I just hope for his sake that when it does lift, it’s not too late.
      There was a lot more said, but it was so empowering that a huge weight lifted off me. I knew I would be okay, with or without him..
      Well, the change was instant. I feel like even me saying that has helped lift the fog. Now he says he knows he wants to be with me, filled with remorse and gratitude that I’m even letting him stay.
      This morning he said he’ll tell her once and for all that it’s over – I kind of shrugged and said “good!”
      We have a way to go, but I feel like we’ve turned a corner. Thank you for this article, and for helping me get my power back!

      • TheFirstWife

        Congrats to you!

        It is sad that we need to kick them in the head so to speak. But you did the right thing and acted in the right way to effect the change.

        Please be aware that for many of us on this blog the CH will say they are ending it but they don’t. They just hide it better from everyone and are still in touch or contsct with the OWoman or affair partner.

        In my case my H came home and admitted the affair. He ended it 3 weeks later but he really missed her and was miserable. He lied about everything and made it seem like they were just friends.

        Unbeknownst to me he started up with her again a month or so later and it was all very secretive. Secret email accounts, Skype to talk with her. He even came home from a business trip early and spent the night with her.

        How do I know all this? I had to call her to ask her if she knew what was going on with my H. He asked for a divorce twice in 1 week and his mid life crisis was spinning out of control. I had no idea she was stil in the picture but then she told me details and it all made sense.

        I wished I had been smarter about affairs. I wished I realized how much turning 50 affected him.

        That is why you will see reference to DDsy1 and DDay2 etc. sometimes there is a pull or force that the CH knows it is wrong but cannot stop himself from the affair. It is like a drug or addiction.

        My H and I are still together after 2+ years later. We survived it. Lucky for him I took him back. But after 6 months and two DDays and countless hours spent crying I wish I would have acted like you did sooner.

        During the first few weeks/months after the affsir first ended he was acting mean to me and treating me very badly. His unhappy life was my fault. A few times when I saw he was in contact with her including a 73 minute phone call where he ended it (or so he says but I wonder if she didn’t end it b/c she knew he was married) I told him he can go be with her. I am not standing in your way. He would get all scared and back down and say “no no I love you and I want you”. It would be good gor 2 days and then he would go back to being mean

        He was still in the affsir fog. It had not lifted and my 25 year marriage did not stand a fighting chance. So I confronted him one night and said he had to choose – her or me. Right then and there. I stood up to his crap. He chose me. Swore up and down he lived me and us and kids and it was over.

        Except he lied. He really missed her and was lying to himself too. Which is why he went running back a month later when she called.

        It took another 4 months for the fog to lift. He asked for a divorce 2x in 7 days. I said OK. Divorce me. I was done trying to fix it all but I had no idea it was because of the other woman he was leaving me. I even asked him if he would contact her upon our separation and he said no not until it was all sorted out with us and that would take months.

        In reality he EMAILED her from our bedroom at the exact moment I was in the bathroom watching my life disintegrate. At 7 am he told her to hang in b/c things were changing. I guess that was code for asked my wife for divorce and I am coming to you my love.

        How do I know? In her revenge at being dumped she sent me all the emails. And I read them. And I saw how my H was planning on divorcing me.

        So I am sharing my story to let you know that you did the right thing by telling your H you had enough. I hope this is the wake up call you need. But just be prepared as it doesn’t always end that easy. Emotions are involved and sometimes the OW just won’t leave. That can add difficulty to the situation.

        All the best to you and your family. It seems when we are ready to kick the CH to the curb, they finally have the wake up call.

        My H us deeply remorseful for it all. Funny thing is I don’t look too far down the road, take one day at a time, I am prepared for the future and now he worries about me leaving him.

        • Gettingitback

          Thinking about the last 12 days or so, we actually did have a d-day2. A week after the first one we pretty much had the same conversation of him talking about their “connection” and then admitting that he had been speaking to her on the phone (“but that it had been her calling him” WHATEVER! Like he couldn’t just not pick up)
          So, still in the fog. He definitely was worried about letting her down easy and when he did tell her no more phone calls, she did get a bit hostile. I think he’s seeing how it could get all Fatal Attraction – I just wanted to roll my eyes, that fog just blinds them to all the consequences! Now that reality has poked holes in the fantasy bubble he’s starting to see it for what it was.
          Anyway, it’s certainly not all roses and sunshine now. We have a long way to go but we’re seeing a counsellor and we’re both reading this blog which has been a huge help. I’ve got my guard up and made it clear that any trust from me needs to be earned. The fact is, they work at the same place (for now – apparently her contract finishes in a few weeks) so really they could start up again at anytime. The difference now is that if it does, I’ll be packing his shit up for him and leaving it outside.
          I really can’t go back to where I was a week ago – for my kids’ sake, and mine.
          I’m taking one day at a time, it’s all I can do for now.
          Thanks for all the advice and insights, this has been the best place!

          • TheFirstWife

            Thank you for updating. Obviously we all hope it is smooth sailing for you.

            But I only shared my story with you so you can see how difficult it is for the CH to end it. And others on here have had the same experience. Multiple Ddays with the same OW and sometimes different or multiple OW.

            But your H needs to show you he is serious about your marriage and he agrees to the new marriage you will create. It won’t be the same but hopefully better.

            My H made so many mistakes after DDay2 I almost left him. He was lying to cover his own butt and I found out every time. He was not cheating but hiding and distorting facts. We went 8 months over the fact as to whether he loved her. He said he did not. I saw it in writing in numerous emails. But he denied it.

            I told him I am not sure which is worse the fact that you were going to divorce me over someone you did not love or the fact that you are lying about not loving her. Either one is bad.

            So it stupid things like that you will face. They think they are protecting us but honestly at this point (after DDay and it is all coming to light)it is either 100% honesty or I give up.

            I think the continued lying did more damage than the affair. Whatever.

            I just hope your H mans up and reads this post and realizes NOW is the most critical time for the truth. Continued drflecting or avoidance or sweeping things under the carpet is not the way to go. If my H could have believed me when I said I could forgive the affair but he needs to be honest and just did that one thing (and just been honest) the nightmare would have ended sooner.

            He never thought I would find things out. In revenge mode the OW sent me all the emails. And I read them and that is how I knew he was still lying. Example: he told me she wondered if his friends would accept her if they were together. In reality he sent the email swearing up and down his friends would welcome her with open arms. I still laugh to this day b/c not one of the wives of all our friends would accept her or let their H socialize with someone like her. So he tried to paint her as the pursuer of this to relationship when it was him. He asked her out on their first date. I have the emails to prove it. But he denied it all every step of the way.

            And it did not help and only made things worse. Unfortunately.

            • Gettingitback

              I highly doubt things will be smooth sailing for us – we have a lot of unresolved issues as well as this affair to deal with.
              I guess my first post sounded so optimistic, not because I feel my marriage is saved, but because I felt like I’d pulled myself out of the gutter and had gained some strength to help me deal with this.
              I agree – the lying and deception is the worst. We’ve been together 16 years, married for 9 and trust has never ever been an issue before. Now I feel stupid that I was so trusting – although there were so many red flags over the last couple of months I refused to believe it. I was even beating myself up for thinking he could be up to something.
              Can I ask how long your H’s affair went for (as far as you know)?

            • TheFirstWife

              There were two affairs. We met in college and mRried after

            • TheFirstWife

              Sorry. We married after dating 5 years.

              In grad school he met a girl and he had an EA for 3 years. I knew it was a relationship that crossed the boundary lineand I confronted him only to get no answer. Ever. Finally I put my foot down snd it ended. But this was in the late 90s before there was such a thing as an EA. But this woman was romantically interested from Day 1 and I used to tell him that. Watch your back. But he loved the attention. Wish I had been more aware.

              The last EA/PA started in December 2012. He met her. She then worked for him as an outside contractor and it quickly progressed to an affair. By June or July it was physical (maybe even before that) – and he felt guilty and came home and admitted it.

              then he ended it a few week later in July and had no contact until September. She called him and he went running back to her. By November he was divorcing me.

              By December I was out of patience. And he knew it. I asked him to leave as I had nothing left.

              One of the things I had to learn to live with was that my H was the kind of guy I despised. You know the guy – out in a bar with his friends and flirting with the women blah blah blah. He is funny and attractive and personable and I always trusted him because I never had a reason not to trust him.

              So at times I just don’t feel like I know him.

              And I found out he is a world class liar as well. Allthe during the year he turned 50 and the year we celebrated our 25th anniversary.

              We came out the other end but I will never be the same trusting idiot I was. And believe it or not I worked for a divorce attorney and thought I had seen it all. And it stlll happened to me.

              Good thing I am in control of our finances.

              But it is all so draining. And I found out he admitted about the grad school PA from the OW. He admitted it to her but not me. Ever. He tried to make me out to be some crazy jealous wife. At least I finally felt vindicated about what I suspected all along. Good to know I can finally get the truth after 18 years on something I knew all along.

            • Tired

              I agree that the continued lying did more damage than the affair. My husband’s EA was very short lived. It was over within a couple of weeks. But she kept calling him and pursuing him. He felt very bad for hurting her and I think that’s why he kept answering her calls and emails. I saw an email and it is clear that she was trying to get him talking again but he is only replying in one or two words. This dragged on for 3 months and I was dragged through hell during that time, not knowing what was really going on. Eventually he must have come to the realisation himself that he had to cut off all contact and so he did. Even then she pursued him but this time he knew what he had to do. Anyway, back to what I was saying: his dragging it out so long continuing to lie that he was not in contact with her made things so much worse. Because he proved over and over that I couldn’t believe a word he said. Ironically he is stunned that I continued to mistrust him even after the real no contact. He was like ‘yes, but I wouldn’t do that now.’ How dumb are some men!
              Incidentally this OW has just boasted on social media that she is engaged. 13 months after my husband ‘broke her heart.’ It makes me so angry that she was willing to destroy my life, yet he didn’t really mean much to her at all it seems. What a cow. I hope her fiancé/ husband will eventually find himself cheating when a cheap ho at work starts manipulating him!

    • TryingHard


      I sure don’t want to rain on your parade but be very cautious with his words. Stay aware and be aware that he may go deeper and secretive. There’s many ways. Yes we’ve ALL had multiple DDays. He may want to end the affair but it will be very difficult for him. He may believe he has to let her down easy so she does go all Fatal Attraction on him and you and your family.

      But you are certainly on the right track. Take care of you and your family. Do things for yourself and make him see you will be just fine without him and that you are ready to walk if he doesn’t get help. If you trivialize the affair and put it in the past too soon, as he will beg you to do, trust me he WILL continue the affair or do it again. Ask me how I know 🙂 !!! Don’t be foolish and don’t believe what he says just because you want to. He will capitalize on that.

      We’ve all been there and done that and got the scars to prove it. Hang tough.

      • Gettingitback

        Thank you ?
        Yes, I’m really becoming aware of how difficult the ‘ending it’ is, despite his best intentions. Part of it is like an addiction or habit, and he’s told me that he does feel the temptation to email her…whether he follows through with that….at least he’s getting professional help as well as talking to me.
        We’re just working hour by hour, day by day at the moment.

        • TheFirstWife

          He is at least being honest about it. That is a good sign. Just not sure why it is so hard to end it.

          It is wrong!

          You are putting your life and family at risk.

          Hope it gets better each day for you both.

          Oh and BTW my H never went to counseling. I went for myself. He did not go at all. I heard often times the cheating spouse does not go.

    • TryingHard

      Hi Gettingitback
      You’re lucky you got your DDay 2 si close to DDay 1. Most of us endure months of lying and gaslighting. It’s excruciatingly painful. Absolute NC is the only way. Too bad she works there but not unusual. The OW in my life worked for my h but she got fired. Easy peasy GONE!!

      You’re doing the right things. And to Mr Hettingitback—you can do this. Just be honest and answer each and every question your wife has. You owe that to her. Don’t lie by ommidion(that’s still lying), don’t soft soap the truth just say it, give your wife all your passwords , don’t go for closure, there is none and the OW doesn’t deserve it, she’s a liar too. Recommit to your commitments and make sure she knows she is the most important person in your life, even above the children. Figure out your own WHY and deal with your own shortcomings, don’t blame one bit of your cheating on her or your marriage. The cheating is all on you alone.

      You guys can do this. If I can you can but only if you’re both committed to recovery and rebuilding. Good luck to both of you. And mostly just love and respect each other

    • Beatrice

      Something happened with the page formatting and I had to start a new post.

      TheFirstWife, Tabs,

      What you are telling here it is like a copy of my life now:

      “He is hoping you will quietly go away as that will ease his guilty conscience”. – this is what I feel. he said, his only regret is telling me that he met her, because of what it did to me.

      “For months I felt my H wanted a divorce and I think he was hoping I would ask for it. This way he could tell himself that I asked for it, not him.” – I also think, that this is what he is waiting for, so he can say to me, that he only wanted the open marriage… as per usual, he would push all responsibility on me, because this is what he always does. And lately, everything is my doing, my fault…

      “Not saying all out war or screaming yelling matches but don’t lay down and be a doormat either.” – I don’t do that, unfortunately. but I don’t know how to defend myself, it is too much for me to get all this from the person who supposed to love you and care for me. I feel like sleeping with the enemy…

      “He will come crying to you for you to clean up the mess.” – and this is what I’ve already read, and knowing my H, he will do that for sure, if this would happened.

      “What my CH didn’t understand (or refuse to understand) was that the “girl friend” wanted something.” – that’s what I keep telling my CH. If she is, who she tells to be, a girl from a rich family, she would not need to go for an old guy.

      I am on the antidepressant, but I decided to get of it; I am completely feeling numb, and have the attitude, doesn’t matter what happen to me, or my family anymore.

      Could anyone advice me, how I can sort out him constantly texting her. It looks like I cannot establish any boundaries, because he is not respecting anything I ask for.

      • TheFirstWife

        Hi Beatrice. Here is what my therapist told me.

        You cannot control his behavior but you can control how you react to his behavior.

        As he is not respecting any boundaries or you at this time. So you need to start disengaging from him and his behavior. Start limiting the time you are around him if necessary.

        Also you need to know you do not need to rely on him to validate you. You are looking for some recognition from someone who does not appear to be worthy of your love.

        Validate yourself. Try and heal yourself by realizing you are wasting your time on someone who is not worthy of your love and respect.

        My biggest regret is believing all the lies my H told me when I knew they were not true. I was allowing myself to be a door mat in the name of love and family and being the better person.

        Had I taken a stand sooner we may not still be married but I would have a few less regrets about some of my choices. Looking back he was leaving small clues he was not really wanting me but I would overlook and make excuses.

        Even this morning he asked me what he could do to fix something and I told him I am not the problem solver and I cannot give him all the answers all the time.

        My suggestion is I feel for you. You are at Rock bottom given your situation. My therapist told me this advice when I was at the same point you are and my H is refusing to give up the OW. He asked me what am I gaining from staying in this situation? Am I getting anything out of it – any benefit at all.

        Also how much longer do you want to live like this? and how much longer do you think you can?

        Third thing is why are you letting him call the shots and dictate the terms of your marriage? I am not saying to go out and have an affair but you don’t have to sit and watch him ruin your marriage. Don’t enable him. Enable yourself to stand up and make yourself heard. Even if it changes nothing. Even if you are alone. Doing something will give you a renewed sense of self worth.

        The best things I ever did was stand up to my H even if it was hurtful and hard and he was mean and nasty to me. At least I did not roll over and let him trample me. then I would have had on going self esteem issues.

        I wish I could give you a hug but all I can offer is my friendship and wisdom of $ spent on a great therapist and prayers you survive this. ❤️

    • Tabs

      I truly wish I had found this site and you, earlier. I was so lost after Dday. Your advice is spot on!!

      I picked up daily exercise. It’s great for your health. My kids both said I’d look younger and happier.

      • TheFirstWife


    • Heartbroken

      Shortly after D day #3, I threw my husband out. I finally realized that I was allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. He realized pretty quickly that he had to end it if he wanted to stay in the marriage. He ended it that day and never spoke to her again. We are still together and working hard at our marriage and future together. It’s been 14 months since he ended it and I’m finally starting to put it behind us.

    • theresa
      This is from a while back. Once again linda and doug have hit the nail on the head.

    • Millie

      Hi, my story. H told me he was unhappy and didn’t love me anymore last year. I did not handle it well and ended up arguing with him. He said he wanted to separate in August last year. I kicked him out.

      He moved miles away and found after a couple of weeks he had introduced our kids to some female work colleague . I found he’d been texting and ringing her for months. He denied anything but the fact that he had been confiding in her because he was unhappy.

      Ff November he told kids he’d developed strong emotional feelings for her and then he moved in with her in February this year.

      I am still in shock at what he has done to me and our kids. Btw he is 44. He has asked me to file for divorce, has introduced her to his family. Is going on oil day with ow next week and taking our kids.

      Any advice here.

      • TheFirstWife

        I am sorry for you and your kids. It appears he has moved on in every sense – emotionally, physically, etc.

        I think all you can do is move forward with the next phase of your life. It sounds like your H is in mid life crisis but not wanting to try to fix himself or his unhappiness with you.

        He just wants to move on. Not face anything. Typical coward move.

        Why is he asking YOU to file for divorce? My H tried that move. I decided it was to ease his guilty conscience and have him believe that b/c the betrayed soiuse filed he has no part it the divorce. Almost like “well I didn’t ask for the divorce she did”.

        Yes the wife is filing b/c you are a liar and cheater.

        I don’t know how old your kids are BUT he cannot be in his right mind introducing a new woman to them this early in the relationship. You need to stop that unless they are adults.

        I swear men!! Sometimes they are soooo stupid!!

        File for divorce if you must and take him for all you can as payback for his lying cheating ways. Make sure his new OW suffers financially with him.

        Also see a professional counselor. It can save your sanity and help you through this difficult time.

        All the best and keep coming here. The support and advice is amazing!!

    • Soulmate

      I wish you women had a little of more self-respect. Stop playing the game where you kick him out to see if he leaves the mistress. He will always cheat on you because clearly he doesn’t have any respect for you. As to this article, NO! If he cheats let him go with the OW. Move on, life is too short to be dealing emotionally with a man who definitely doesn’t respect you. Whether you are just a girlfriend or a wife you do not own a person to be forced to stay with you.

      Why do they deserve another chance? These men are worthless, find yourself a great man. Plenty of men and women cheat but there is great men out there believe me. I was cheated on by this person whom I loved very much but what he did was a total NO NO. I forgave him once but not twice. I was born to be happy not miserable, if he did it again then clearly he doesn’t love me and its best to let them go and find their own happiness because we clearly not.

      Thank GOD he did what he did, he can go cheat on the next one because I met such a wonderful man that I love very very much. Please, respect yourself more. I’m tired of seeing women suffer and seeing these articles giving them advice on how to trap them and have them back. NO! Move on, you all deserve a man who will respect you and cherish you. Believe me, just like there is women looking for a respectful loving man there is men out there looking for the same but you will never know because you are stuck with the WRONG one. It doesn’t matter if there is kids or there is 10+ years of marriage. That should not define your happiness.

      Just remember, who loves you won’t hurt you and who loves you won’t share the love that belongs to you with someone else…..

    • TryingHard

      Soulmate–wow. Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out. Good for you. Now maybe you can work on improving your subject verb agreement.

    • TheFirstWife

      Soulmate. You make some excellent points. Yes there are women (and men) who stay with a cheating spouse or SO.

      Sometimes it works out (as in my case). My H has done everything possible to make amends. He is a better H for it.

      Yes it was a mistake and I get that he made the choice to mask his unhappiness within himself with an A. But yet he also had an “its a wonderful life” moment in what he would be losing – all of it. Me, his kids, his very nice life, money, etc. he realized what it would do to his family and kids. How he would not see them as often due to D.

      Does he get another chance? No. Does he know that I can pull the plug anytime if I suspect him if cheating? Yes!!

      So there are times when things turn around.

      I guess you may be of the mindset that women who stay with a cheating H (or vice versa) are weak and pathetic. When I was in my 20s I thought the same thing.

      If you met me I would not come across as weak or emotionally mistreated. Quite the opposite. I have grown from this horrible experience.

      I have proven I can withstand the pain and anguish. I will still be a good person, a good mother and make good decisions while keeping my kids best interest at heart during a difficult period.

      But staying in a M after infidelity is hard. Harder than I imagined. Building trust again. Loving your spouse fully again. Not having PTSD from it. Acute anxiety attack’s are overcome. Shaking with fears gone. Being able to eat ANYTHING is restored.

      Yes I too kicked cheating boyfriends to the curb. And I almost had to do the same to my H.

      But I have to say in some cases you can recover and heal and have a very happy M.

    • TheFirstWife

      Hi Ellen

      I’m sorry for you and that you find yourself here.

      Your H most likely believes that b/c there wasn’t any sex, this isn’t an Affair.

      Wrong wrong wrong.

      The fact he hid these communications is lying by omission. He is a liar and cheater. He took time away from you to spend with her (the Other Woman).

      I suggest counseling for you. To validate and support you.

      And do not let him just sweep this under the rug and pretend nothing happened. He must face it. He must deal with it AND the pain he has caused you.

      And do not let him blame you for the Affair which is a typical cheater move. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat. Cheating is a choice. Please know that.

    • PAM

      I have been married for 19 years, have 2 amazing teenage sons and served my husband like a king. Sadly, he is a serial cheater and despite my visible pain he still refuses to stop his affairs. He has a secret phone that he uses to contact the woman that he is an affair with. He hides it well so that I can not find it. He is addicted to porn and although I love sex, I always feel that he just has sex for the sake of it as he does not “return the favours” but expects far more from me. He refuses to pay me a wage, spoil me on my special days and treat me well. Help me with ways to set boundaries or how can I confront him.

      • Shifting Impressions

        You deserve so much more. I think you need to ask yourself why you would be willing to settle for so much less.

        Do you work for him? Is that what you mean about him not paying you a wage?

        Perhaps you could stop serving him like a king and stop working unless there is a paycheck ….just sayin’

    • June

      He may also choose to marry the other woman. Three people in my family married their “other” partner and it’s worked beautifully – nearly 40 years for one of them. So there is NO guarantee that he will give her up.

      I think this article shines a rather positive picture on getting the betrayed to believe that the spouse will come back – not necessarily. And if he (she) does come back .. now where do you stand in regards to trust? Sometimes it’s just best to let it go.

    • Chely

      Yes after 5 years of reconciliation, ( yes I foolishly thought we could beat the odds). Despite the fact that by all appearances we are a happy, loving couple (and we kind of are) I realize it is all just an act. I think he is trying to wait til he retires next yes to divorce me, as he would then have less of financial obligation to me since he will no longer have an oncome). But ending the denial I’ve been spellbound by for too long, forced me to admit to myself that I am his second choice, she is his first, since he refuses to end it (still claims never met with her in person, ever) . Yes he lives a complete double life and has for many years, thinking I would never find out, it like being discarded but never divorced. He is so text book covert narcissist, that while trying to find a GOOD lawyer to help me, I try to brace myself for the smear campaign he has feeding for a while now. He wants out and will try his best to take me out. What

    • spicy dijon

      Did not even come close to my case. Husband went to her house and never came back. Acknowledges all my changes, says I am better than ever, but chooses the lying cheat with him employee who was after him for years.

    • Confused and scared

      My husband has been having an emotional affair for 6 months(syas it hadn’t gotten physical but I have my doubts) with a so called friend of mine, he refuses to end it and states he loves her and she is what he has been looking for his whole life. This woman is also married and struggling in her marriage and her husband knows about affair and moved out. My marriage was far from perfect but I love my husband and truly believed he loved me until 4 months ago when he claimed he had been unhappy for years. Things got worse and worse over the last 4 months and 6 weeks ago my husband finally confessed the affair… He stayed at home for a month all while continuing his affair and rubbing it in my face which he thought was fine because he had told me he was done and wanted a divorce, he moved into spare bedroom after admitting affair and 2 weeks ago I asked him to leave because I could not take the disrespect any longer. He has been mean and cold which is so out of character for him and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Since moving out he comes over about an hour or 2 a day to spend with our 4 year old son and goes about his life. I try to avoid him while he’s here but am never mean and never fight… His affair has intensified since he left and now I just feel like asking him to leave was worse because he has no consequences now… He can literally do whatever he wants and no longer has to hide it. I am struggling but trying to stay strong for my son who is also struggling with how much he misses daddy (they had a fantastic relationship before all this) and now I just don’t know what to do… Did I make a huge mistake by asking him to leave? I thought it would show him that there are consequences to his actions but he just doesn’t seem to care… And seems to be enjoying the freedom of it all.

    • Mary

      Have been married 42 years. Always a difficult relationship. In 2002, I found out he was communicating with a woman out of state. (after 25 years of marriage). He had known her when he was a preteen before the family moved. He’d gone to visit her on the ruse that he was going with his parents to a family reunion in 2001. I didn’t know then. They barely saw him that trip. I’m sure it was physical, he says not. Each time I confronted him, he’d say he had stopped. I left for a few months in 2003. He said he had stopped and wanted me back. Came back. In 2008 I found evidence he was still in contact with her. I left, filed for divorce. He came crawling back after I was gone 6 months saying he didn’t want to move back to that state and he wanted me, he loved me. Went to counseling. In 2013, found out he was still in contact with her. Went to a marriage retreat. Stayed. Now it’s 2019. He’s been acting strangely towards me. Picked up phone and find he’s still involved in some way. Can’t prove he’s contacting her but information about where she works is in history. He’s obviously delusional. He won’t admit so I know he’s lying. Always throws it back on me. Always blames me. I’m too old to move on. I’m moving to the other room. I advise anyone who finds out their spouse is cheating to demand they stop. If they don’t, if then move on. Let it go. End the relationship. It is not worth the pain and heartache. It is not worth the self blame and depression. I have suffered my whole life with this man, blaming myself for what I did wrong. I thought I was doing right to stay together for our children. They all have troubled marriages. So I gave them a bad model of what should put up with obviously. It’s too late for me, don’t let it be too late for you!!! Let go and get on with your life. A man who loves you so little as to betray you, will never love you like you deserve.

    • Lynn

      My husband made me feel worthless , like I didn’t exist I was there to take care of the home, our children and his needs , my needs weren’t taken care of.He control, manipulated , bully me I wanted to get out but I stayed for my children 38 years later He meets a woman he says there Just Friends All of a sudden this OW in more important then me or our family , We later find out she’s a big user of people But husband doesn’t care she calls he goes , she needs something he helps her out , He had a crush on her, then Emotional attraction to affair, he later confesses he has feelings for her Which she doesn’t go along with , she doesn’t want s boyfriend , She May like him , but only for what she can get from him . He is liking the attention he’s getting from her , They have more in common he says We only have history , 38 years 6 kids together, nothing important to him , He went away with this OW for a weekend , lied to me about where he was going ,with who , knew nothing about it till he got home Told me his friend wanted to see her daughter could he drive her , it was out of state , two states. He slept in a hotel with her , took her shopping, stayed at friends of hers home , After telling me his story he said he knows he cheated , He made his bed and now had to lie in it If I want to separate or get divorced he’ll go along with it I’m lost for words I question everything he just told me , I shut down I wasn’t eating , drinking , moving I just sat and cried for a month or so He made me ill I was in so much pain , still am He treated me so rotten made my life a living hell , but it still hurt . He told me he never loved me from day one of our marriage , thought he would grow to live me but he hadn’t , 38 years of my life a lie He chose me he askme to marry him we had kids , now he meets someone new And he wants out He made me dependent on him , now he’s trying to make me independent, He cheated on me , I didn’t do anything wrong , but yet I’m broken, I’m in pain, I hurt all the time , I have been trying to put my self first every time I do he reels me back in I was a stay at home mom , He makes the money , so kick him out sounds great , but by me doing that he wins he has the money the job , I can’t take care of the bills , he knows that I know him he says one thing , but is sneaky and does the opposite, He is a very selfish man there is the Other Woman maybe that’s why they get along so well We’re trying a separation between the two of us now , it’s not real , he won’t do real , but he thinks by us doing this it gives him permission to do what he wants , Which hes totally wrong , he’s a adultery , He thinks he can date her We are living in same home for financial reasons We do have our own bedrooms Right now I’m just trying to build up myself confidence ,To figure out who I am and what I can do with out him He is having his cake and eating it to , he still doesn’t know what he wants , I think cause another woman paid attention to him he now thinks he’s gods gift to woman He’s idiot to be throwing our marriage away for something that’s going no where I’m not waiting for him , I’m just trying to make it through another day , trying to get stronger , I do what to know something When a husband cheats Why do they have to punish the wife, why do they have to say and do so many hurtful things to the wife He Broke me , he broke my heart , brought pain-to me beyond words of how it hurts me each day . I wish he would leave , I wish that he wanted the OW so much that he would agree to give me anything so he could leave . For now I’m stuck in a marriage with a man who doesn’t want me , doesn’t spend time , with me, doesn’t listen, need, respect me , Doesn’t like, care, or Love me My daughter had a talk with her dad , She told me that he said that he never wanted to be with me back then , And he doesn’t want to be with me now , . Very hurt full thing to say I want someone who puts me first, that I’m important to him That wants to be with me , listens, to me , likes and loves me Cares about me and my feelings, That wants to sleep , cuddle with me Be With me in every sense of how s marriage should be I want to be a partner not a maid , Sorry this is so long But I’m realizing maybe we aren’t meant to be together I have to figure it out , once again by my self Just have to get over the pain , upset , crying Thanks

      • Shifting Impressions

        You might want to get some legal advice. He doesn’t have all the power….you have rights as well.

    • Pamela

      I found out my H had an affair I asked him to leave as he was adement to move out of our home.Was not a nice road travelled .I divorced him while the going was still good and he did not even bother to contess the divorce .I got to keep my home and car as lust was making him not see what he was to loose.Today 6 years later I got a call from him telling me they broke up .I wanted to know what it is to me, his answer he just letting me know and I must remember that I was neva at fault .I told him I was neva going to take the blame for his actions will not and neva did. Long story short I gather that he is looking for a roof ova his head but I made it clear to him that I feel nothing not interested in him and dont contact me again.The blame game started how she forced lots of things onto him as if i care.

      I am happy in my own skin love my life and will neva travel the marriage road again.

    • Lucy

      My situation is different because he was a wonderful husband but quickly sabotaged our relationship so I would say that maybe we should separate. Never crossed my mind he led me to say that and said “yes”!. For two years he denied having anyone special, blamed me for being a bad wife (I would bend backwards to support him), told me he wanted to focus on his career… two years later, I found out about the woman, he had already been with her since before leaving me. Worked for him, difficult background, unattractive, no one believed he could do that. I am told I am attractive, smart, great mom. So, he left first and then I found out years later, I didn’t have any leverage or chance. He never asked me back, never left her. Became a different person, mean and cruel. I’m sure he will marry her but sometimes I have second thoughts because he keeps on sabotaging the divorce (not for financial reasons by the way), and also doesn’t allow her to go public on social media after all this time. She has met and visit my in laws met my kids. And he treats me like I was the one that cheated with so much hate. It’s horrible.

    • PleaseTellMeI'mNotCrazy

      I’ve been married for 27 years. It’s been a couple of months since I found claw-like scratches (for the second time) on my husband’s back and confronted him, which did NOT go well. He became angry, asked if I wanted him to move out, wouldn’t kiss me goodbye in the mornings, etc. He says that absolutely nothing happened, everrrrrr, and his evidence is that he’s only at home, work, and the store~which is correct~but he’s been coming home from work just a little bit late more frequently. As I started taking stock of different things I’m pretty sure I’m right that something DID happen and may even still be going on (OH GOSH he acts so guilty!), but I’m trapped, because he just denies it. It makes me feel like I’m going crazy.

      I’m pretty sure this is the first time, I know he’s a good man, and last year was REALLY TOUGH for our family. Not trying to make light of it at all, just not sure I’m ready to walk out on 27 years, either, IF he can come clean and fight for our marriage and family with me. UGH.

    • Deb

      Hi If what u say above is true , What do the husbands except there wifes to do, hang around till he has decided who he wants to be with . We have been married 38 years a little Rocky at times But we made it work Untill he met a woman that he became “Just Friends” with He kept telling me that’s all they were , He would hang out with her many hours and come home late, he was her escort to a wedding ,He thought there was nothing wrong with any of it For him it went from a crush , emotional affair , to developing feelings for her to cheating , All along I was taking care of the family and home , he then decided he wanted her He then said so many hurtful mean things to me , Plus that he never loved me , doesn’t care for me , never wanted to be with me in the beginning of our marriage and doesn’t want to be with me now . I think by saying all that he was hoping that I would leave or I would tell him to leave. I was shocked , I couldn’t believe what he had done (, my husband controlled , bully me Even gaslighted me It felt like I was brainwashed I did as I was told , I felt worthless , no self esteem Very dependent on him ) So he cheats on me with another woman and as he now wants her , he does and says what ever he can to make that happen, He broke my heart He broke meI didn’t leave this is my home I didn’t do anything wrong He’s still seeing and calling her. There just friends remember , . He is still in control he has the job the money , I’m just a housewife , mother that didn’t work much So he is having his cake and eating it too when I found out he cheated I took my wedding ring off , he was surprised at first , but then no big thing We are trying a separation , but we have to still live in same home for financial reasons I have my own room , I ignore him as much as possible I’m trying to use this separation to better myself , to get stronger , to see who I am with out him and what I can do , He is only separated when he needs to be , When he knows he’s about to do something he can’t do if he was married He told me he wanted the separation because he wanted to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and not have to report back to me, He honestly thinks all is good there just friends now. Before when he told me that he cheated he was angry at himself , mad at what he had done He was feeling guilty , but as soon as he told me , he was fine he even told me that I had No reason to divorce him , I told him I don’t need a reason but adultery is a good one Anyway for him to tear our marriage apart for his selfish reasons He should be bending over backwards to give me what ever I want or need , Hes acting superior over me like he didn’t do anything wrong After he cheated he told me that he didn’t want a wife or lover anymore he just wants to be friends .which is fine with me after all that he’s done and hurtful things he said , But for some reason he still want me to be the house wife and I as I did , and if I don’t he gets mad As far as I’m concerned he loss all his rights to me and what I do or don’t do when he Cheated. For now we are still together I have tried to put it all in the past, which is hard since living with him still , him making time to see her I don’t want him back , I’m just trying to get the strength and knowledge to know what to do next for me He’s made his choice , and it not me I don’t like the fact that for the past 38 years according to him our marriage was a lie That I put my heart and soul into it and now I have nothing. He cheated not me He’s selfish not me But I’m the one that’s suffering, I’m the one that’s left with nothing , he took my security, comfort, confidence , He has a whole new life if he wants it I have to start from scratch, I second guess my decisions I have self doubt, I’m afraid I have never lived alone So for now we’re together apart,

    • Mychelle

      Hmmmmmm…… My story we were together for over 6 years. Have a beautiful 5 year son together. We were having little problems here and there like any normal married couples do. You know kids finances jobs but I always thought we talked them out and we remained a strong loving couple. Or so I thought. They used to work together. She knew that we were together and had a son. He knew how I felt about cheating and I trusted him. But he does have a drinking problem. Every time we had a row about it guess who he’d run to. Yep. I knew all the signs were obvious the lies secrets everything. But still I kept fighting for him for him for our relationship. Even holding his “promises” close to my heart. They even kept her pregnancy hidden from me. They have a girl who will be 1 year old this August. I even said that I would never keep him from his baby as long as their contact was only in regards to the baby and nothing else. He promised me that it was over and that he loved me and only me forever. We got married finally this year June 5,. Three weeks after wedding he vanished and yep, back to her he goes. When she found out that we were finally getting married she went crazy. The harassing phone calls, and texts, vandalising both our cars, even though we tried to ignore everything she did it only escalated until I wanted to call the police and press charges against her for the harassment. He said he would but never did. When he vanished I said I was finally done with everything. And I knew he was with her again so I said goodbye and wished them well. I’m ashamed to say that yes I still love him and wished he come crawling back begging for forgiveness. But I just can’t do that to myself or our son. I forgave him and took him back too many times in the past only to get hurt again. I know what I’m doing is right for myself and my son but still doing the what ifs and maybes….

    • Denise

      OMG. Thank U Thank U. Thank you so very much for writing this. Emotionally healthy and sound information. Unfortunately, it came 20+ years too late for me. I suffered several more years needlessly because the focus was on saving the marriage. I was raised that marriage is sacred. I went to several counselors, talked to priests and none of them could tell me what to do. I asked and asked. I wanted to do what was best for my 3 children. I read many books, went to counseling for years. I finally learned that my ex is a narcissist and my marriage had been DOOMED from the beginning. I could have been Mother Theresa and it would not have mattered. He was mentally and emotionally incapable of being a faithful, loving spouse. The adultery had been going on for years with several women and I had no idea. The most difficult decision I ever made in my life was to get divorced. My kids are happy, and healthy and we all went to counseling too. We all learned many life lessons and the biggest ones being that you cannot change someone else and we are all responsible for our own decisions. I chose divorce so that they would not repeat my mistake of codependency–and it worked. They are resilient, honest, compassionate, healthy adults now. I thank God every day i found the courage to end my marriage to a horrible person. Narcissists are amazingly good liars. They can look you in the face and lie. It was brutal. His whole family is exactly the same way and they sided with him. That was painful too-to know that I had wasted 19 years trying to have a good relationship with 6 people in a dysfunctional family that are toxic and evil and hopeless. Get professional help. Infidelity is sexual abuse. For years I felt raped. Alanon is an organization that can help. They helped me.

      • Jessica

        My husband is a narcissist too. I am the 4th wife and he has cheated on all. He was an expert liar. Everyone liked him, talk about a wolf in sheeps clothing! I am hoping I can find the courage to continue to divorce him and get him out of my life. Thankfully no children.

    • Melissa

      I found out in March of 2020 my husband had been having an emotional affair with a co-worker since Sep 2019. She’s married too and has four kids. Me and my husband have two kids and been married for 11 yrs now. He’s bought her all these gifts and did so many things with and for her he has never done for me. He’s never come home with a dress or something that he got me. He bought her clothes, shoes and even an Apple Watch. He has never done this for me. We reconcile and renewed our vows on April 29th, 2020 he quit his job and he said he missed us. I gave him a second chance. He went back to the same job but different schedule. She works at night. He told me he’d never see her or talk to her. But yesterday February 5th, 2021 I found out he’s been taking and seeing her. I told him to move out and he refuses to. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want him here. He hurt our family. He didn’t care about our children. I’m broken inside.

      • Anon

        There must be something you can do to get him to leave. I suggest contacting an attorney to learn your rights. Maybe file for a legal separation is something you need to do.

        File for alimony snd child support and sole use of your home. Your lawyer can guide you.

        Also google doing the 180. You stop ALL things you do as his wife. No meals together. You don’t do his laundry or errands. No food shopping for him. Only you & kids.

        Make him sleep in another room or on the couch or in the basement until you can get him out. Even on the floor – anywhere but with you.

        He’s not your H any longer. Continuing this affair is a choice he made. And now he has to face the consequences for that choice.

        I’m sorry for you.

    • jessica

      My husband cheated for second time, this time he said he was leaving me for her, so I packed his bags!! He left that Saturday morning with his in bags. Monday evening he was back! I politely told him to stay away but he refuses. 3 months on, he continues to stay with the mistress at weekends and come back to the marital home weekdays. When I tell him to just leave, he says ‘it’s not that easy’. Is she married? apparently she left her husband but not for my husband! How old is she, about 56 so no young kids I would have thought. He’s taken pots and pans from our house so whether they have shacked up somewhere or she has a place I don’t know. Nor do I know why he just doesn’t leave altogether. He has my blessing to go and the assurance I wont let it affect him financially if he lives with her. I am in the UK so I cant make him leave as we jointly own the house.

    • Queen mary

      Oh Honey my situation will blow your mind. My husband had an affair 19 years ago. And I took him back. Then between talking him back I caught him at a diner leg locked With a young lady. I hit him hard right in the face. He jumped up and left me there with the women. I asked her who was she and she said to ask him. Well nothing became of that chic she was gone. Now this last time I lost my home moved into a beautiful rental then owner decided they wanted to sell after 1 year. I then moved in to my son’s condo without him but he was good with that because he started having an affair 2018 with the chic. So that was right up his alley. He moved in with his brother. So he was free to do his thing and he did. He has been having this affair since 2018. I tried again with and in March od 2021 after an operation he began to stay out 2 nights here 3 nights there I put up with that for 2 months then I moved out and left him. He is still having his love affair. It is now 2022. He thought he would be back and forth at my home, but honors I have filed for spousal support. Let’s see how much he wants that chic when he is broke. There is more but I’m exhausted.

    • Jane

      This works unless the your spouse has fallen in love. You can’t create chemistry where there is none in a marriage. Most are providers and protectors by nature. They are all about their wealth, financer, assets , parenting etc. It seems most men will return just to maintain their status quo, not at all for love or emotional reasons. Men will never never never admit this however, or the wife would leave.

    • Jessica

      Well I took the plunge and am now after 2.5 years. 2 weeks away from my decree absolute. Finances ended up in court and all sorted with a court order. House now on market. He left to live with mistress about a year ago. She is so welcome to my cast off! Good luck mistress cos you are going to need it!

    • Jane

      A man who walks away from their marriage vows to plan and execute an affair with another woman has lost feelings for his spouse. If you read online affair sites that are run by men etc, that’s exactly what they say. Men have fallen out of love for whatever reason and taken up with someone else, especially emotional affairs. Perhaps a one night stand is something everyone can walk away from, but affairs that last weeks, months and years, are completely different. They do not happen by “accident” either.

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