Since today is Valentines Day, a day meant for love and lovers, we naturally wanted to write something about love. But to those who are trying to recover from an affair, Valentines Day can be a very tough day indeed. Therefore, we wanted to share a passage from Mort Fertel’s book, “Marriage Fitness,” that addresses love and the importance of reconnecting when the love fades — perhaps after an affair.
Love is the most awesome experience in life because it fulfills our most basic need – the need to connect with another person. But falling in love is a gift which doesn’t last forever. When ecstatic love fades from your relationship, so does the ecstasy from your life. You also experience flaws in your spouse and incompatibilities in your relationship. But neither your spouse nor your compatibility changed. Your love changed, and that changed your experience of everything.
At this point in your marriage, Fertel says you have four options.
1. Lower your expectations and navigate a marriage that “works.” This is what most couples do. If you select this option, your experience could vary from dissatisfaction to happiness, but you will not achieve true love or ultimate fulfillment in life.
2. Improve your marriage by focusing on some of your marital issues. This approach may enhance your marriage, but once again, you will miss out on true love and ultimate fulfillment.
3. Divorce or separate and seek love in another relationship. This won’t work because the key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.
4. Reconnect with your spouse. You connected when you fell in love. You can do it again. The first time was a gift. This time you will have to “make” love. That is, connecting with your spouse and creating phenomenal love in your marriage.
Fertel goes on to say that the fourth option, reconnecting, is the most important option. He states that throughout your marriage, nothing really changes except love. But love changes your experience of everything. So when love changes, your experience of everything else changes too. Your spouse and your compatibility don’t change. The love in your marriage changes how you experience them.
For instance, you might feel that your spouse is not compassionate. Realistically, your spouse has the capacity to be either compassionate or harsh. The characteristic that you experience depends on your marriage. When you’re in love, your spouse is compassionate. When you’re not, your spouse is harsh. But what’s causing the change is the state of your connection – your love.
You and your spouse can be compatible or incompatible. You can be the most wonderful people in each other’s lives or each other’s enemies. It’s all determined by love. If you create love, you will be perfect for each other. If you don’t, you won’t.
If you’re lacking connection with your spouse, your experience of each other will be negatively impacted. If you reconnect, you’ll regain the magic of your courtship. You cannot change your spouse, but your connection can transform how you experience your spouse. Love truly brings out the best in both of you. Love determines your reality. Create love in your marriage and everything will be different.
Fertel feels that focusing on communication skills and problem solving is helpful, but does not get to the root issues of the marriage. It’s just treating a symptom. You could master both but still be unfulfilled and without real love.
However, if you address the root of your marriage and consummate a connection with your spouse, you will experience euphoric love and your problems will fade away. Love conquers all and is the root of transformation.
For more FREE information on Mort Fertels’s “Marriage Max” programs, where he helps couples reconnect and transform their marriage, go to Mort’s site at: www.MortFertel.com