Reconnect With Your Spouse to Find True Love

Since today is Valentines Day, a day meant for love and lovers, we naturally wanted to write something about love.  But to those who are trying to recover from an affair, Valentines Day can be a very tough day indeed.  Therefore, we wanted to share a passage from Mort Fertel’s book, “Marriage Fitness,” that addresses love and the importance of reconnecting when the love fades — perhaps after an affair.

Love is the most awesome experience in life because it fulfills our most basic need – the need to connect with another person. But falling in love is a gift which doesn’t last forever.  When ecstatic love fades from your relationship, so does the ecstasy from your life.  You also experience flaws in your spouse and incompatibilities in your relationship.  But neither your spouse nor your compatibility changed.  Your love changed, and that changed your experience of everything.

At this point in your marriage, Fertel says you have four options.

1.  Lower your expectations and navigate a marriage that “works.” This is what most couples do.  If you select this option, your experience could vary from dissatisfaction to happiness, but you will not achieve true love or ultimate fulfillment in life.

2.  Improve your marriage by focusing on some of your marital issues. This approach may enhance your marriage, but once again, you will miss out on true love and ultimate fulfillment.

3.  Divorce or separate and seek love in another relationship. This won’t work because the key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.

4.  Reconnect with your spouse. You connected when you fell in love. You can do it again.  The first time was a gift.  This time you will have to “make” love.  That is, connecting with your spouse and creating phenomenal love in your marriage.

Fertel goes on to say that the fourth option, reconnecting, is the most important option.   He states that throughout your marriage, nothing really changes except love. But love changes your experience of everything.  So when love changes, your experience of everything else changes too.  Your spouse and your compatibility don’t change.  The love in your marriage changes how you experience them.

For instance, you might feel that your spouse is not compassionate.  Realistically, your spouse has the capacity to be either compassionate or harsh.   The characteristic that you experience depends on your marriage.  When you’re in love, your spouse is compassionate.  When you’re not, your spouse is harsh.  But what’s causing the change is the state of your connection – your love.

You and your spouse can be compatible or incompatible.  You can be the most wonderful people in each other’s lives or each other’s enemies.  It’s all determined by love.  If you create love, you will be perfect for each other.  If you don’t, you won’t.

If you’re lacking connection with your spouse, your experience of each other will be negatively impacted.  If you reconnect, you’ll regain the magic of your courtship. You cannot change your spouse, but your connection can transform how you experience your spouse.  Love truly brings out the best in both of you.  Love determines your reality.  Create love in your marriage and everything will be different.

Fertel feels that focusing on communication skills and problem solving is helpful, but does not get to the root issues of the marriage. It’s just treating a symptom.  You could master both but still be unfulfilled and without real love.

However, if you address the root of your marriage and consummate a connection with your spouse, you will experience euphoric love and your problems will fade away. Love conquers all and is the root of transformation.

For more FREE information on Mort Fertels’s “Marriage Max” programs, where he helps couples reconnect and transform their marriage, go to Mort’s site at:  www.MortFertel.com

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13 Responses to Reconnect With Your Spouse to Find True Love

  1. blueskyabove February 14, 2011 at 10:44 pm #

    Doug,

    Do you REALLY believe this? I have to assume you do, otherwise I would have to question the purpose of your post on this subject matter.

    I’m having a problem with the concept of equating “love” with “falling in love”. IMO these are not the same thing. I probably believed that when I was 20, perhaps when I was 30, and maybe when I was 40, but I sure don’t believe it now. Now I KNOW there is a difference. Why? Because I’ve changed. I’ve grown. “I” am now more able to define me and my beliefs. I don’t need someone else to define “love” for me. Others are entitled to their personal beliefs, but I do not have to blindly accept them for myself.

    To me, “Love” is unconditional. “Love” does not change, people change. We change through the experiences that life presents to us. That’s what life is all about. Life is about change. Life is about defining who we are based on our experiences with life. I do not believe “Love” changes based on my experiences with life. My life experiences and your life experiences are not the same. How in the world does “Love” know what it is supposed to NOW be based on that scenario? Love doesn’t change your experience of anything. It’s the meaning you, I, and everyone else gives to the experience that defines the experience. Love simply “is”. I have come to understand and accept the statement, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”. I don’t always live it. I don’t always remember the concept. But I do understand it.

    I do not believe what Mort was describing was “Love” to begin with. Infatuation, lust, neediness, ego? Probably, but not “Love”. Love only conquers all because love is unconditional.

    JMHO.

    “You shouldn’t fall in love, you should rise in love.” Matthew Kelly

    • Doug February 15, 2011 at 10:21 am #

      Bluesky and Jenn, You won’t get any arguments from me as far as what your definitions of love are. I certainly see each of your points of view. And I certainly agree that people do change. Mort Fertel believes that love has a remarkable transformational power and his program is based on the premise that nothing is more important in your marriage than building phenomenal love between you and your spouse. This obviously takes a lot of hard work and effort. But in the end, love is the solution to relationship problems, the secret to communication with your spouse, and the path to ultimate fulfillment in your marriage and in your life. Recapturing the “ecstatic” feeling of love is an important element to regaining the exhilaration and excitement in your relationship. That’s hard to argue with.

  2. Jenn February 15, 2011 at 8:55 am #

    Goodness, I don’t mean to be a naysayer, but I don’t buy this either. This passage equates love as a flittering and fleeting FEELING. (“When ecstatic love fades from your relationship, so does the ecstasy from your life.” Really?)
    That is not love. True love is a choice, it’s a choice you make to put someone else above yourself, to unconditionally show that person that they are your priority. Sure, feelings of “ecstacy” happen when you first realize that you’ve found someone to share your life with, but that does not make a relationship work. It’s the effort and action you are willing to put behind it.
    This passage sounds like it was written by a high schooler, it’s incredibly simplistic. “Love determines your reality” is just not an accurate statement. Love is more than a feeling, it’s a secure thread that binds two people together when they commit to each other. 1 Cor 13 is a terrific passage to remind us what real love is supposed to be like.

  3. Yuki February 15, 2011 at 4:37 pm #

    I lived my adult life with what I thought was a pretty good understanding of people and emotions. I raised my children to believe the same things. When I discovered my husband’s affair, I was rocked to the core. Everything I believed seemed wrong. Since then I have struggled with the meaning of love. I questioned its very existence, and I have been reading about and contemplating on the concept for 4 months now. I’m no expert, but I think you are all talking about different kinds of love. They both exist and they are both important in a marriage.

    It seems to me that, between spouses, there is romantic love and there is agape love. Agape love is the choice to care for someone unconditionally. It is more than a feeling. It’s a decision to place someone else’s needs before your own. It is safe and secure and makes you a better human being. It is absolutely the basis and foundation upon which a marriage is built.

    Romantic love is all that stuff about ecstacy and passion and spark. It’s the “falling in love” feeling that makes the object of your affections seem so wonderful. Infatuation is the beginning of romantic love, but romantic love is more than that. It is also more than just lust or attraction. Romantic love is the electricity that runs through you even when you have gotten to know the person’s weaknesses and warts and areas of wimpiness. It is a feeling, yes, a wonderful feeling that can make an ordinary life seem grand. It is not essential for a marriage to last a lifetime, but it sure makes the journey more satisfying and fulfilling.

    I think that Fertel is talking about romantic love. Because it is a feeling, it can come and go. His points are well-made that if you are feeling romantically in love with your spouse, you are in a good place to be compassionate and will feel more compatible. Any problems that come up will be more easy to overcome. Communication is far easier when you are romantically in love.

    And since romantic love is a feeling, you can do things to bring it back and keep it going: daily reflect on at least one characteristic that you like in your spouse; often talk about how you fell in love and how you show your love today; never dwell on the faults of your spouse. We all have faults – this is where your agape love will help you in working through them without dwelling on them.

    In spite of everything that has happened in my marriage, I still have both kinds of love for my husband. My agape love for him is why I’m still here. My romantic love for him is why my heart still skips a beat when he enters a room, and it makes it possible for me to work through the pain of his affair. Maybe one day he’ll understand it, too.

    • Doug February 15, 2011 at 6:06 pm #

      Yuki,very well said, thanks for your contribution. Linda

  4. Kathy February 15, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

    Yuki,
    What a marvelous post! Thank you!

    One of the things I found very meaningful in today’s blog is that successful marriage is about learning to love the person you’ve found. This is what Agape love is all about. I’m wondering if the CS’s of the world have not developed this kind of love; are they stuck looking only for the romantic love, and when the feelings aren’t as strong as they once were, do they go looking for it elsewhere?

    Why else would it be that one partner in the marriage would never dream of seeking fulfillment elsewhere, while the one who will cheat does just that? And if the CS has not developed Agape love, can they? Will they? Do they even want to?

    In a way it’s rather sad, because if what they’re striving for is constant romantic love, they’ll never truly be satisfied no matter who they’re with.

  5. Yuki February 16, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

    Good questions, Kathy – I’m still pondering those myself. I’m leaning towards this idea: most CS’s are lost. They have not learned to love or respect themselves and they know they are missing something, but they don’t know what. An affair temporarily fills that void. People like this who do not love or respect themselves cannot fully love or respect someone else. So their agape love for their spouse is stunted. And like you said, they then will fall for any romantic love opportunity that turns up if their marriage is not perfect. And of course, it never is. But because affairs are only unreal fantasies, they are not permanently fulfilling. Does that make sense?

  6. Kathy February 16, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

    It absolutely makes sense, Yuki. And I think this lack of love and respect for themselves is another reason the CS behavior is immature and selfish, and why filling that void at all costs becomes their priority.

  7. thanksgivingdday February 18, 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    I am a betrayed spouse who was absolutely crushed by my W’s affair. I am working on R. She is remorseful and transparent right now. Anyway, I bought this book and read it in two days. So did my wife. I was very reluctant to read it but i must say that we absolutely loved this book. So much so that we bought into the whole seven week marriage fitness program.

  8. Yuki February 18, 2011 at 3:10 pm #

    Thanksgivingday – thank you for your comment. It’s great to hear what people think before buying something. I bought Dr. Gunzberg’s Saving Your Marriage program. My husband and I are going through it together. The first night was a disaster. He could not open his mind to the ideas presented. We ended up in a huge argument.

    I don’t know what happened, but last night – the second night – he was completely different. I’m not going to ask questions. I’m just going to quietly and gratefully accept the change and go with it. So far, I really like the program.

    How is your program going?

    • thanksgivingdday February 21, 2011 at 12:48 pm #

      It’s going pretty well. The program is pretty time consuming so finding the time to commit to it is the hardest thing to do. Buy his book. It made me hopeful. It deals with the present and doesn’t much look into the past though. The full fitness program looks at the past and a new future.

      We are also doing both individual and marriage counseling which has also been very good for us. Amago thearpy in MC.

      But I like Fertel’s plan the best.

  9. thanksgivingdday February 24, 2011 at 4:30 pm #

    It is going okay. You focus on connecting with your spouse with various exercises and readings. I would suggest reading the book. It gave my wife and I hope. It certainly couldn’t hurt…

    • Yuki February 24, 2011 at 8:31 pm #

      Thank you – I’ll definitely get the book. Hope is definitely a precious thing to have.

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