after the emotional affair

 

In our discussions with other betrayed spouses, one thing that is almost always evident, is that after the emotional affair, they are the ones who are doing all the work and putting forth most of the effort.

By Linda

I think often about whether or Doug is putting the same effort and emotions into our relationship as he did with his emotional affair.  Though I don’t think the word “effort” is appropriate when it comes to an affair.  In fact, I believe that was part of the appeal.  Everything was effortless.  

I’m sure it didn’t feel like work, it just came naturally and it was something he wanted to do. Why was it effortless? Was it because we were unable to bring out the best in each other? Are we not meant to be together? Why can’t Doug consistently give me what I believe he gave her?

I believe any spouse who is going through this kind of situation feels the same way as I do. I also think that the betrayed spouse feels the need to provide the excitement and affirmation that their spouses experienced during their affair.

So why is it so difficult for them to reciprocate? To completely give forth as much effort into their marriage as they did in their affair?

If you had access to phone logs, emails etc. as I did, you would be able to witness the extent of conversation and the amount of time your spouse spent making the other person feel special and loved.  If they were not doing those things then the relationship wouldn’t have progressed the way it did.

Just think of how differently things would be if your spouse did those things with you.  Maybe we all wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.

While we were discussing this subject the other day, Doug asked me if he ever did act that way in our relationship.  Honestly it is hard for me to remember.  I am sure at the beginning he did, but as time went on those efforts and gestures somewhat subsided, which is typical in most long-term relationships. 

However, I always felt beautiful, desirable and wanted for the majority of our marriage, so he must have made some kind of effort for that to be the case.

It’s not that at times he doesn’t make me feel that way; it just doesn’t seem to come naturally to him, like I believe it did with Tanya. It really breaks my heart that I am not always on his mind as she was. 

Based on the phone logs and the things that he told me about their relationship, I could tell that she was always front and center in his mind. As soon as he woke up he would text her,  then call and text all during the day just to touch base, make arrangements and make an effort to leave work to see her. 

It is hard for me to know that he had the ability to be that way with someone else and that he just doesn’t “think about”  doing those things with me.

I Want More After the Emotional Affair

Before the emotional affair, I am not so sure I would have thought or cared so much about all this, nor expected it like I do now.  Unfortunately, now I don’t think there is anything else in the world I want more. 

I want to know that Doug has the passion and the desire to be with me the way he was with her. I know that he would say, “It wasn’t that big of deal,” or “we didn’t do anything that special.”  However, I have a hard time believing differently.

I know he believes that I think much too deeply about all of this and I know that it is not healthy to compare the two situations.  I know that I should not judge his desire and love for me based on my perception of how he acted during his affair. I know that I need to look at the whole picture.

However, know that for a person in my situation it is understandable to wonder if he feels the same way about me that he felt about her.  Did his actions really display his true feelings for her?

I know that in a lot of ways I am being unrealistic.  I know that any long term relationship cannot keep up such a high level of intensity. I know I need to look at the big picture and everything thing that we do have together. 

In many ways we do have so much more because we are in a long term relationship. However, right now I want to be the selfish one.

What I want from Doug is the attention and the desire he displayed during his affair.  I also want the security and the comfort that we have from being in a long term relationship.

Right now in order for me to heal from his emotional affair, I want and need it all. I know it may require a little more effort and thinking on his part, and I know it may require him to change the way he participates in “our” relationship. 

I think that our marriage is worth the effort.  I hope that he feels the same.

 

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    44 replies to "After the Emotional Affair: Are You Putting in as Much Effort as You Did During Your Affair?"

    • michael

      Another wonderful post Linda….
      With every post from you, you seem to nail my feelings to the tee. I read your posts thinking “I know I’m not alone in my thoughts”. I too had access to her phone record. And I read communications she didn’t delete in time. I still to this day look at how much time (hours on the phone, thousands of text back and fourth) and reread emails that we sent each other. Because we still don’t talk about what happened and what’s on her mind, I try and find meaning in her words she did share. I see hope in the words that Doug posts. Hoping someday to hear them ( similar) from her. Our communication has dropped of tremendously over the last few weeks. And I find myself resenting it and not showing her how much I love her. She has so much pain in her and an unwillingness to work on it.
      I mentioned to her, the other day, how I’m not seeing her work on us. He response was that I’m just blind to what she is doing. So I asked her to point out what she was doing that I’m missing. Her response was “alright”. What does that mean? Is it that she can’t point it out. Or that she doesn’t want to.

      • admin

        Michael,
        I can relate to what you are saying. Doug and I were at that same place about a year ago. I felt like I wanted to move on and make our marriage wonderful, however I was afraid to let go of the past for fear I would forget and become naive again. Your wife may be feeling like she doesn’t want to go anywhere. Moving forward or back would force her to think about everything. Thinking and changing would then produce guilt. That is something that is very hard to live with as a betrayer.

        During their affair they did everything to justify what they were doing to alleviate the guilt. They put most of the blame on us so they wouldn’t feel the pain. Think about how bad you feel when you recall the ways you could have been a better husband. I get sick to my stomach when I remember some of the ways I treated Doug. It is not something that I really want to talk or think about. Now put yourself in her shoes. I would hope that she is feeling a hundred times as bad as you do.

        As much as this stinks, she has to learn to trust you and feel comfortable enough to express how she is feeling. I kept wanting to talk to Doug in hopes that it would help me understand why he did this and in attempt to become closer to him. I have learned that I will never truly understand and wanting to know everything only made me feel worse.

        I have learned that the way to feel closer is to focus only on us and our relationship. Leave the affair, the reasons, the inquiries out of it. Work on today. Has she shown signs of being remorseful? Is she moving toward you more than she did a month ago? I know how difficult is it to continue being patient, and asking yourself how much more can you put up with. At times I did get very angry and resentful. I would wonder why I was doing this? I felt sorry for myself and thought I didn’t deserve this.

        I believe the comment from Carla could be helpful. I agree that maybe you are trying and thinking too much. I know that trying to save my marriage consumed my life. I focused on that and how Doug was feeling every minute of the day. Finally I realized that I needed to step back and do things for myself, to not try so hard and to allow Doug to take some of the responsibility. It really helped. I stopped being so resentful and Doug realized that I wasn’t going to take full control of saving our marriage. Through his daily posts I hope you are witnessing his transformation. I feel blessed every day that we have made this journey together. He has become the husband that I married 25 years ago, and hopefully I am the wife that he married as well.–Linda

    • Carla

      Michael, I have read so many of your posts. I was particularly interested in one you posted last month concerning you being brought up in a loving home and that you are a sensitive (emotional?) guy etc etc. You responded to me about the ‘loving’ card my daughter in law sent my son, although she is acting withdrawn and ‘odd’. I have come to the conclusion that she is emotionally immature and is seeking either something ‘better’, or just trying to create a bit of drama in her life.
      She now seems to think that housework, cooking and shopping are beneath her and she just wants to be wined and dined. I think she is waiting to meet a millionaire – or possibly a billionaire. Hmm..I think she will find it’s not all wining and dining even if you DO hook a rich man.
      It seems to me that women DO cheat on good guys. I guess that’s because good guys are trusting and treat women well and there are women who take full advantage of that fact after they marry them. Is it because some women get bored with ‘predictable’ men – I think that’s possibly so. Unfortunately, so it seems to me that both ‘good’ women and ‘good’ men get taken advantage of in every walk of life.

    • Carla

      Michael, I just wanted to add that maybe you are trying too hard?

      Perhaps you should back off a bit and let your wife make the effort instead. You seem to be doing everything and looking for signs of recovery. You dont seem to be getting much feedback from her so it must be so frustrating for you. Maybe Admin can offer some advice in that direction?

    • michael

      In backing off I start to feel more and more like I did 8 month ago. I see her happier day to day. And I see myself feeling less and less desired. She tried harder when she thought she would lose me and our life. Now that she knows I’m not going anywhere, does she feel she doesn’t have to try so hard. I’ve expressed it to her time and time again. I tell her I don’t feel desired by her. I tell her what I need. And every time its the same answer. “I am trying, you just don’t see it”. I ask her to show me. And she just agrees and says she will try harder. Each and every time.

      • admin

        Michael, How do you want her to show her desire for you? Linda sees signs of love and desire in me in small things like asking her to go on a walk, making her lunch, or patting her on the butt, for example.

    • michael

      My wife is dependable in every part of her life except when it comes to me. She volunteers a lot of time for our kids sports. She will go in to work on days off. She will help my mom when she asks. We take my sisters kids to practice. But that devotion comes before any plans or time for us. She has canceled several plans for “date night” because something came up. So much that I gave up asking her to do things like that. And to this day she hasn’t asked me to do anything like that.
      When I come to bed she is usually asleep early or watching tv. She tells me all the time that she is tired. A lot of times if I lay down next to her she turns away from me.
      Every day when she is taking the kids to school before work I have been walking her to the truck to kiss them all goodbye. If she come home after me I was greating her at the door. But if I come home after her she just sits on the couch doing her facebook and says hi honey. She said that she feels comfort that I’m home but doesn’t know how to show that same affection back.
      I think she is beautiful and have a hard time not grabbing, touching, or holding her every chance I get. But its a rare occasion that she comes to me to hold or kiss or touch me. The times that I have seen that were when she was afraid of loosing me. And on days that I was feeling good and confident. On those really good days. That’s just what I thought of right now to say. Things that have bugged me this week.

      • admin

        Michael, based on what you’ve just written, your situation is much like it was prior to my affair. Linda acted similarly towards me as your wife does towards you. I came to find out later that it was because of some deep-seated resentment towards me based on the crappy way I treated her at times. Perhaps something like that is going on in your situation. Another possibility is that she is harboring resentment or going through withdrawal from the loss of her affair relationship. Experts say that ending an affair can be like losing a loved one. Just a thought.

    • Broken

      Linda… once again you hit the spot. After I found out about my husbands EA, I wondered why he couldn’t be that flirty and spontaneous with me. He gave me an answer that I didn’t like, but at least he was honest. He said that it was because she was something new and exciting, it was like dating someone all over again. The beginning of the relationship is always this way and comes naturally to all people in a new fling. He couldn’t be that way with me because that “phase” had passed in our relationship. We weren’t a new couple anymore. I hate that he said cute little things to her, those words and feelings are mine. His heart is supposed to belong to me, I earned it! What did she do to earn that? Nothing. I still feel as though my husband had feelings for her, although he denies it to the bloody end. Do those words they say to each other come from the heart? Or are they words that just made the relationship that much more interesting and exciting? I personally can not imagine saying anything romantic to another person unless it came from my heart. I don’t let my feelings out to just anyone. What bothers me the most is that now we have nothing to talk about. And I think… why not? Why did my husband and the OW have hours of emailing and phone conversations and him and I can’t say more than hello and goodbye? My husband also says that I’m making too much of the relationship he shared with the OW. He says I’m blowing it out of proportion, that it wasn’t that “special”. Well, if it wasn’t that “special” why keep it going for TWO years? AHHH!!! I feel like I will never move past this. Affairs of the heart really break your heart in so many ways.

      • admin

        Broken, I can relate to everything you are saying, so much in fact that just minutes before I checked our comments I was on the phone with Doug. After I hung up I checked to see how long we talked, five minutes, I was disgusted to think that he was able to spend hours on the phone with her and only minutes with me. I wondered too what is wrong with us, don’t we have anything to talk about? I worry about those kind of things everyday. I wish that I could appear new and exciting in Doug’s eyes, and that Doug could also be fresh and perfect in mine. Unfortunately we have been together too long for that to happen. I wonder is that a bad thing? Isn’t that what being in a lasting, committed relationship should be? Before the affair I never questioned how much we communicated, how many times we said I love you during the day, now it is always in the front of my mind. I suppose that is a positive, I am making an effort to never take him for granted again, but I hate the comparison there shouldn’t be anything else to compare it to. It should have remained “our” relationship, as imperfect as it was, not “their relationship” and “our marriage”.

        • admin

          Broken, I just had another revelation about the excessive communication during an affair. I thought back to the time when Doug was involved with Tanya. He was in his own little world only focusing on her. It was very apparent by the phone logs that he was working very much. He would spend most of his working day texting, talking and seeing her. When he got home he would stay in his office, I am sure emailing her or he would sit on the couch and stare at the TV, thinking about the next time he would be seeing or talking to her. There wasn’t much interaction with his family or need to fulfill his obligations around the house. Think about how wonderful our relationship would be if we only had to focus on each other. How much we would have to talk about and share. That is why an affair is an illusion and a marriage is reality.

        • Helena

          Linda, I know this is an old post, but – about how you checked how long you talked when you hung up after being on the phone with Doug. It’s funny, but I do the exact same thing. My SO’s phone records show that he’d be on the phone with the OW for hours at a time. When I get off the phone with him and find it had only been a few minutes or so, I feel awful. I put something in the microwave for 2 minutes, and I stand there for the whole 2 minutes and think how 2 minutes really is a relatively long time, and I think how my SO was able to stay on the phone with the OW for that long multiplied by 90 in one sitting.

          I’m in a state of constant anguished competition with the OW. I am obsessed with the OW, and as part of my obsession, I pull up and analyze my SO’s phone records over and over again – phone records going several months back, trying to determine the timeline and story of what was going on between them behind my back. This obsession is killing me and my relationship.

          • Angel2

            Helena, You are not alone!!!!! Just as the script is similar in a huge percentage of affairs, so is the script of the betrayed spouse. Obsessing is part of our script, that puzzle to piece together. (sometimes my CS thinks it to use as ammo against him- just another justification and assumption about me) I think that’s why we keep reading to find a magical revelation. Sometimes we feel them, see the ‘big picture of life’ and it crashes, ebbs and flows and crashes. When I get really low, I think if I were a super hero or the herione in a movie, how would I deal with it. What couragous amazing character traits do I have. In this ‘movie’ the ‘wayward spouse’ looks pretty seamy, fat headed ego with no self esteem and sure isn’t the hero but becomes a hero (I like happy endings), likewise the OW is a huge fake, unhinged, only pretty on the outside. Ah….may be childish, but I like my script for her. This works for me.

    • Broken

      Linda, I remember seeing my husband on the phone texting and emailing before I found out about the EA, at the time he said it was “work”. He would email her while we were on vacation, at the park with the kids, and during dinner. Every waking moment he had was spent with her on the phone. Meanwhile…. they work together! So they had all day to talk and email, why bring it home?! My husband says that the OW never interfered with our family life, because he was always home. Yes he was HOME…. but mentally his mind and heart were somewhere else. I should have known at the time that something wasn’t right, but when you have full TRUST in someone you don’t think they are capable of doing such awful things. Our conversations now are dull and boring, and when we do talk, we usually discuss the EA and what happened.

    • Broken

      Linda, I also wanted to add that I often question whether or not my husband and I are compatible. If we were, wouldn’t we have something more to talk about? We never had deep conversations about life or our dreams, he had those conversations with her and not me. Why? Is it me? Is she more appealing emotionally than I am? Why can’t he stay up late and talk to me about anything. Can’t we have enjoyable conversations that make us feel emotionally connected? I’m not so sure. Is an emotional affair something that just happens, because two people meet at the right time and place, or is there a strong attraction that draws them together, because they have so much in common, because they click well with each other. I often imagine that if he had meet her before me or at the same time as me, that he would definitely pick her over me. I feel inferior, like I can’t provide something that he so desperately needs. And sometimes I think, I don’t want to provide him with that emotional need, especially not now, after he broke my heart. How do I give you my heart and undivided attention when you gave your heart and undivided attention to her? Why should I try to fix something he broke? I feel like he gets to have all the fun with the EA and what comes with it, and in the end, I suffer the most and now I have the burden of trying to repair a marriage that I’m not even sure I want anymore.

    • Last2know

      I know that feeling all too well and my H was in the same Daze and isolation. Now I text him all day sweet nothings and yes some “dirty talk”too and he responds as often as I text. Unless he’s in a meeting or something of that nature. But he always gets back to me. We have to make that happen, it’s hard and silly but it’s working for my husband. I am still recovering but I am trying my best to bring the fun flirtiness back in.

      • admin

        Last2know, It’s amazing what little things like that can do, isn’t it?

    • Broken

      Last2know… It’s nice to hear that you are trying to rekindle that passion. I tried doing the same with my husband, but it felt like we were acting. I guess because we both knew that I was trying to recreate what he shared with the OW, when we did the emailing, it didn’t come as natural as it did between the two of them. Do you feel the same? I am constantly comparing myself and our relationship to her and their relationship. Sometimes I wonder if my husband is just emailing back to make me feel better or if he really means what he is writing. Not sure what to think.

    • Changes

      Things got better after D day but now that he’s having an affair himself everything has gone downhill. He hardly replies my texts so i have stopped sending them. We hardly have a conversation. It is interesting seeing him with his phone either reading a text or sending one. I guess he’s paying me back for what i did him so i try not to let it get to me.
      Maybe he’s pushing me to see if i will have another affair since he’s depriving me of my emotional needs but i’m much wiser now. I will not allow him to push me that far, if having an affair will make him feel better about himself so be it. I am not happy with it, but that is his choice.
      I wish we could move on, i always told him that all i wanted to do was to relate to him like how i related to the affair patner but it was always like i had to be good before he will be nice to me. I don’t know how many women can live like that but i’m stronger now and for the sake of my kids, i will not allow another man into my life no matter how deprived my marriage is.

      • Notoverit

        Whoa, what a mess. Everyone has always said that having an affair to pay back the other spouse having an affair is not a wise choice. I think it just leads to more problems; guess you’re husband doesn’t know that. I am sorry for you. So, now as a BS it’s time to take care of yourself. I would put boundaries out there like all of us had to do – no contact (sounds like that one might not work – he probably will throw it in your face about your affair); at least tell him no texting or contacting in front of you and if he does it, leave the room; work on yourself; find what makes you happy. Work out, run, do something to exercise, get into shape and do something to increase your self-esteem. I just cannot imagine being the CS then having it change to being the BS. Have you gotten counseling? It might be a good idea for you to do that. Whatever issues he has right now will just have to wait while you work on your own. Just a thought.

    • Changes

      Thanks notoverit, I haven’t set any boundaries for him cos doing that will set him off. As difficult as it is, i get myself busy when i see him pick his phone to read a txt or send one. As painful as this is, i guess it just my knowing about his affair has prevented me from further questioning me about mine. Although i have told him everything that went on in my EA he went back to it each time he got upset. Now, there really isn’t anything for him to question me about. what moral right does he have to question me when he’s carrying on with him.
      I’m not always strong, there are days i just want out but i guess if he didn’t walk out on me then why should i walk out on him. The difference between the two of us is that i was remorseful, he isn’t.
      I’m focusing on me and my children, if he doesn’t reply to my texts, i stop sending them. In the past, i would initiate sex because i felt i needed to make it up to him. Now, i don’t think i owe him anything, if he wants sex, i won’t withold it but i will not go out of my way to make him feel good. I will still keep my vows and be a good wife but it will take the two of us to make the marriage work and as long as he carries on with his affair, there isn’t much i can do.

      • Lynne

        Changes-

        I am so sorry for you and your H that you are going thru this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of this, as it is not something that most of us on this site have experienced.

        That being said, your H’s response to you by having his own affair is a very immature and irresponsible way of dealing with your EA. What healing can possibly take place between you unless you are both committed to healing the marriage, without these outside influences. And being a mom myself, I shudder at what all of this might be doing to your children.

        I would also recommend that you consider YOUR choices in what to do now. Yes, you screwed us big time, but that does not warrant a tit-for-tat in your marriage. You still have the right to tell him that his affair needs to end, so that you can begin to work through this mess. If he says no, or says that you deserve this, do not buy into it! You do not have to sit on the sidelines of your marriage and wait. If he refuses to end his affair, then perhaps it’s time for you t

        • Lynne

          Sorry Changes, here’s the rest of my response…………..

          If he refuses to end his affair, then perhaps it’s time for you to make decisions about what you want for your life, and that of your childrens lives. You can sit back and accept your H’s behavior, because you feel you deserve the punishment, or you can decide that this all needs to stop NOW! It doesn’t sound as if your H is very rational at the moment–someone in your home needs to be!

      • Notoverit

        Sorry but I don’t think it’s about what he wants – what do you want? Do you want sex? I don’t think it’s withholding if you aren’t in the mood. Simply tell him the mood may not be there as long as you continue with the EA. I know it’s scary and you are afraid of losing him, but you’re losing him any way if he’s spending all this time with the OW. I just cannot comprehend how you are dealing with all this. The BS part of me says that you have rights and you have a right not to be subjected to his “punishment” of seeing his EA going on. Time to draw the line in the sand – tell him you want it to stop. Tit-for-tat is not the way to heal.

    • Worn Out Pursuer

      It has been 2 months since D Day. I found myself trying everything possible to re-connect with my husband. I told him he was making an effort to heal the relationship with our son, who is 7, but not putting effort into re-connecting with me. I backed off and he noticed. Very, very slowly, I see him reaching out to me but inconsistently. I want his interest in me back 100% immediately and he says he no longer loves me and doesn’t want to “date” me. My emotions go from acceptance of his feelings to thinking there is still hope for us. However, if he has “checked out” of our relationship then I can’t make him want our marriage and I need to say to myself, why am I holding on to someone who no longer wants me? It all comes down to a life I expected with this man and the promise of until death us do part is no longer a reality. I’ve read many books that say No one owns another person. People are free to come and go in our lives.

    • chiffchaff

      This article is really pertinent for me at the moment. It’s the massive gulf between how my H was with the OW and how he acts with me after Dday#2 that makes me so very miserable at times.
      Most of the time I have to be content with a small kiss or a small affectionate touch to the arm or back. The other night he even stroked my face, which just about made me cry. It’s something I find really really hard to cope with. That my H can’t seem to see me as desirable and as a result it makes me feel like a moose. The effort he expended on his PA was staggering and he does acknowledge that what he gave to her he took away from me. But, now I’d like it back, all of it, every last loving and passionate embrace. It’s mine and I want it back. He had no right to give it to her, she didn’t support him, cook his meals, wash his pants, walk his dog, cook meals and entertain his folks.. it makes me feel so miserable. I didn’t do any of those things for reward but the OW just got everything, for free, with no conditions or downside.
      I know that my H finds it painful to think about how easy it was for him to be passionate with her but he seems to think that because it was so easy for him then OUR relationship must be in some way wrong, or doomed, because if it came to him so easy with her then it must have been right, right? Because that’s the story he relied on so long during his PA. He felt that way about her, went against his previously long held morals, stepped out of our marriage and slept with a stranger because, in his mind, it was right in some way. They were meant to be together.
      I’m going to stop this comment, I’m getting so upset again just thinking about it. It’s the one thing that makes me want to leave and run for the hills.

    • Terry

      If he can’t bring that to you … speak your love languages … Leave. It’s bs if he can’t and passive aggressive.

    • Angel

      Thank you Linda for the post. It summarizes everything that is happening to me. Just like you, I had access to my H’s phone records, was able to see some of their email conversations, and now that he has recommitted to our marriage, I am facing exactly the same situation.

      Two days ago (our 14th anniversary) I actually brought it up and we had an argument about it. He thinks that I do not appreciate how far we have gone in the 2 months that we have been piecing our relationship back together. He reminded me that everything takes time.

      I do know all of that, but still it doesn’t take the hurt away.

      But at least reading and knowing about what you have been through, and realizing that with the EA it wasn’t really an effort, thats why it was so “addicting”, makes me thankful and hopeful. It must really be how M’s heal, and how long term relationships work. It really can’t be too intense or else it will just burn out.

      Today my H called me from out of town, just asking, wanting to know if I am OK. I feel so touched.

    • Disappointed

      My husband left right after I confronted him and he has no further contact with the OW. It was primarily texts 1500 in one month. The did not talk face-to-face in affair mode until the “we better cool it” talk. I too feel in competition, but with this phantom soul mate… Which is how she is to my H. We see each other 3-4 times a week and call or text every day. But all I can think is that I get one text at 4pm and maybe a goodnight text. She was getting texts first thing in morning, midday and last thing at night. He wanted to talk with her… I try not to feel that way or think about it. But every day I go thru it anew. The 20th anniversary of our first date is Monday. I planned a special dinner, but part of me is worried he will freak out. On Tuesday he called to schedule getting together tonite and said he planned to pick up my favorie things from a place we went to when we first started dating. One day he is all business, next day sexting, next day one text, next day… I am getting tired of the rollercoaster, but I still want him back, the man I fell in love with, he is in there somewhere, after all he reappeared for HER

    • Broken

      Hi Broken…guess there is 2 of us (really all of us) LOL

      Linda great post ……I spent so much time and effort comparing the phone call log and you are right. So many calls to her 1st thing when he got in his car for work, all day, on the way home, weekends when I was at work. The hardest ones were when he was out of town and the calls were all morning at like 6am and none to me. Calls the minute his plane landed. I remember one night there were 18 text messages and 20+ calls during the time he was out on a business dinner with his boss. If I had done that he would have been furious and I always respect him when I know he is working and leave him alone. Luckily each month another month of bills drops off our phone bill so I cant go back and torture myself with the details. I wonder the same things though. Would she have wanted to stick around if she had to live with him the way he really is everyday?I think it is true relationships do go through stages and perhaps the stage we are in 32 years later in itself is an accomplishment that the OW and my CP would never have made it to.

    • Nikol

      Exactly! I feel the same but I realize I cannot compare his behaviour when he was freshly in love with his effort and nice actions after 5years of relationship with a 3yo child or can I? I feel so jealous that he enjoyed and experienced those “madly in love” feelings or exciting sex with a new person. I miss it too it is so different after 5 years and what about then in 10-20 years?

    • Hurting

      Great post .. now my issue is that my Husband had a long term A lasted 18 yrs .. once I had proof of the Affair I confronted him.. that A was hot and heavy lasted a little over a year 15 months (Phase 1) or so then started .. MC /IC .. 6 months later the other woman calls and the A now goes underground WS justifies it as a friendship and because it was a long distance A they never saw each other on a regular basis .. except during phase one of the A .. the EA lasted for 6 years phone calls ( pay phones ) a few times a month or so according to WS .. the A moved back to a PA and now there 2nd cell that OW got for WS .. he sees her 2 or 3 times a year for 4 or 5 days .. he is also supporting her .. she did have a job until she lost it .. then he fully supported her .. so he was on the phone Talking with her every morning and then a good night text or call .. when he saw her she was spoiled .. as I have never been .. he was Mr. show off spending over 500 dollars on champagne and Caviar .. with me it is a 50 dollar bottle of wine and keep the cost down on our entree ..
      There were signs that there was something going on but I couldn’t find the proof because of the phone .. when we were in her city he would forget or hide his phone so I couldn’t track him .. when he met with her .. we would be ay a casino and he would tell me he was going to another where their were different starting limits on table games .. so off he went .. he would hide his phone In plants under a couch .. turn off ringer and be off to meet his love .. because it was long distance those feel good emotions and the excitement happened all the time .. I discovered the phone on our 50th wedding anniversary trip .. last year .. I said our marriage was over leave .. he asked for a year ..
      thus far he has been working on our relationship he blamed me for the issues in our relationship .. I didn’t let him clean .. I didn’t ask him to help me ., he wants to be a knight in shinning armor.. he was that for OW ..when he emptied the dishwasher he wanted to be thanked , he is ADD .. and a bit OCD .. my cleaning style is totally different than his .. we fight if he helps because he wants it done his way .. that way overwhelmed me ..
      I am struggling to heal move ahead .. my mind keeps bring up the hurt.. the triggers abound.
      I am letting him take care of me .. he gets me my coffee sometimes fills the dishwasher ., makes the bed .. walks the dog .. picks up the poop (😜..
      I don’t think about the OW .. I let her go .. the sex mind movies are playing .. I don’t trust my WS .. he passed a polygraph test .. I am just hurt , angry , upset, jealous of the time he spent with her the thoughtfulness , treating her like a queen .. all the time telling me to stop spending money ., that comparison of what he did for her .. he tries to say he bought me something that was of equal price but it doesn’t sit well .. I got the appetizer only dinner , she got the champagne, caviar and filet dinners .. just venting .. sorry ..

      • Regina

        Hi Hurting,
        I’ve been married for a bit too (33yrs)
        Long story, my husband cheated on me before Just because he was so lost do to too many things. He should not have married but fell in love with me because I was different from all the rest(just now I’m positive of it) last ten years I’ve been pushing him away and he would tell me that he wanted me to be close to him ( but I really didn’t care) he was always very good with me ( financially and loving)
        An old F… ( that is what he basically refers her to) found him and he took the opportunity to feel wanted. He went out with her two times (I think three) spoke with her on the phone about ten times till I found out. It’s been a ride for the past 18 months. I feel like a fool that that B….. knew he was married (She’s married too) but because she always loved him she took her chance too. I think he’s been honest since I found out. I don’t think he told me the full truth ( but I really don’t want to know, so I don’t keep thinking about it. I do enough of that already with all the other info I received)
        He’s been very good with me stopped contact with her (from what I can see)even tho she tried a few times to contact him. He says it was a big mistake but
        I can’t forget about it. What did they talk about what did they really do etc…. He never loved her, she was just always available for him. It’s driving me crazy. He can’t do anymore that he’s doing to prove his love for me, now that I am showing him that attention that he always wanted. He’s willing to take a test for all the questions that I have that I think he’s lying about but I don’t really want to know the truth. Even if he tells me not to compare myself to that piece of sh.. how can I not???? While he was with her he had a good time….

    • Ang

      How do we stop comparing? When will it ever get better?

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