survey checkboxA couple of weeks ago we conducted another one of our short surveys asking readers what they were struggling with most right now. 

For our discussion this week, we just wanted to go over the results and hopefully generate some discussion amongst everyone about the findings.

First of all, consistent with previous surveys, our readers are predominantly women.

  • Male  14.69%
  • Female  85.31%

Also consistent is the fact that the overwhelming percentage of you are betrayed spouses.

  • Unfaithful  4.49%
  • Betrayed  95.51%

After asking  the question to the betrayed…

If you are the betrayed…What are you most struggling with in your recovery and healing from your partner’s infidelity?

The three biggest struggles are:

  1. Healing the Hurt
  2. Rebuilding Trust
  3. Dealing with triggers and memories

Here is the total breakdown by percentages:

  • Surviving the initial days/weeks after D-day…..7.23%
  • Rebuilding trust…..65.66%
  • Forgiveness…..44.58%
  • Healing the Hurt…..67.47%
  • Better communication about the affair and/or relationship…..36.14%
  • Dealing with your own triggers and memories of the affair…..64.46%
  • Negotiating, redesigning, strengthening your relationship…..21.69%
  • Getting your unfaithful partner to put the required work in to help you heal…..40.96%
  • Restoring emotional and/or physical intimacy…..24.10%
  • Affair proofing your marriage…..21.69%
  • Guidance about divorce and/or separation…..10.84%

Some additional comments that were made by readers included…

  • Not knowing if he is a narcissist or is he just a self-centered immature selfish person who needs to grow up
  • Still dealing with the betrayal since the divorce
  • Feeling valid and of value
  • Anxiety that turns to Angry outbursts and feeling lost in it
  • He won’t tell the truth
  • How he chose someone who wasn’t even that nice.
  • Standing for my marriage while my H is still in MLC [mid-life crises] & living with the OW
  • Getting him to take responsibility for what he did, acknowledge the pain he caused and apologize
  • Understanding why it happened
  • Unfaithful again. Saw a divorce attorney 2 days ago
  • Feeling like I’m the “one”, his ongoing friendship w/OW
  • PTSD symptoms
  • Anger
  • I’m 31 months post bomb drop, now deciding to file for divorce. I am doing it mainly to protect myself….He has never apologized for anything, and doesn’t think he has done anything wrong at all..he’s entitled to be “happy”!!
  • Questions about my faith
  • Underlying lingering resentment with how everything went down….On the surface, our marriage is amazing and we are constantly told what an amazing loving couple we are, and somehow it just feels fake now and I’m an actress. I have the playbook, but I don’t consider ‘marriage’ and the ‘vow’ I took and keep, to be a game- but that’s what marriage is. That just takes the soul out of it.
  • Getting her to focus on OUR relationship and not the affair she lost
  • Surviving after the divorce, forgiving and moving on
  • Discovering the real truth.  He is overflowing with lies and hiding and TT [trickle truth] and gaslighting I can’t trust him to be honest.
  • Fear of committing 100% to the marriage, and being hurt again.
  • Separation due to abuse for continued asking of questions about the affair since he wouldn’t answer them
  • Divorced, moving on, wanting to put the past in the past
  • I am 3 years from D-Day but will have trust issues on occasion Not due to my husband for he has been very trust worthy. It’s me
  • Husband is still on the fence

Now for the question directed to the unfaithful…

If you are the unfaithful…What are you most struggling with in your recovery and healing from your partner’s infidelity?

The three biggest struggles are:

  1. Self-forgiveness – Dealing with guilt and shame…..69.23%
  2. Restoring intimacy to your marriage…..61.54%
  3. What to do to help your spouse heal…..61.54%

Here is the total breakdown by percentages:

  • Ending the affair…..23.08%
  • Handling the aftermath of D-day…..15.38%
  • Dealing with affair withdrawal/feelings for your affair partner…..38.46%
  • Handling your spouse’s emotions…..46.15%
  • Overcoming your own self-destructive emotions…..38.46%
  • Self-forgiveness – Dealing with guilt and shame…..69.23%
  • Inspiring forgiveness from your spouse…..46.15%
  • Restoring intimacy to your marriage…..61.54%
  • What to do to help your spouse heal…..61.54%
  • Winning your spouse back…..30.77%
  • Negotiating, redesigning and strengthening your relationship…..33.33%
  • Affair proofing your marriage…..16.67%
  • Guidance on Divorce and/or separation…..7.69%

Some additional comments that were made by readers included…

  • Really struggling with guilt and shame.  How do I get past it?
  • Can’t seem to get my affair partner out of my mind and it is causing me to not commit fully to my marriage.
  • My wife is having troubles being intimate with me now. 
  • It’s all my fault and I’ll do anything to make things better, but I don’t know what I can do.
  • Having a hard time dealing with my wife’s constant questions and her anger.
  • I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I’ve done.

Here are just a few takeaways that we have…

  • The overwhelming majority of you want to save your marriage as very few indicated they were needing guidance on divorce and/or separation.
  • Most appear to be further along in the recovery process, or at least are somewhat removed from D-day.
  • Perhaps we’re a little off-base on this, but since the relationship building-type questions scored relatively low, does that mean that personal healing and recovery are the top priorities and making the relationship better is taking a backseat – at least for now?
  • There are several unfaithful spouses that are ashamed for what they’ve done but really don’t know what to do now to inspire trust, forgiveness and healing.
  • The last takeaway…and certainly not the least…You guys are great and thanks so much for helping us out!

Please add any comments and/or takeaways of your own in the comments section below.  Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

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