Infidelity causes intense emotional pain--anger, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.How it all started
Linda and I have been married for close to 25 years now, and there was not one single event that lead up to me having an emotional affair with a co-worker. Rather, it was a culmination of many things. Generally speaking, I would have to say that it was a combination of both of us taking each other for granted, falling into an emotional, sexual and verbal rut, and just being too “busy” to attend to one another’s needs. Basically, the once strong feelings of desire and excitement were at the time very much dormant.
At the same time this was going on, there was a major scandal involving the owner of the real estate office I worked at as a loan officer. To make a long story short, the owner did some illegal things, and it caused the office to close, and we were absorbed into a rival office. We had to pack up all our stuff and move to another office. This was a major deal, and caused upheaval with many, many innocent people.
Tanya was a top realtor in the office who I talked to occasionally strictly for business purposes. I thought she would be a good source of business, and I would stop in her office now and then to talk real estate, but also talk about whatever other topics would come to mind. I would also help her with technical issues she was having with websites, software, or other similar issues. She was attractive, easy to talk to, and we shared many similar thoughts and ideas on many things.
The ongoing scandal in the office brought us together more frequently as we discussed the happenings in the office quite a bit and how its effect was causing such turmoil with everyone involved. The real estate market was in the beginning stages of a horrible downturn, and we were not very busy with selling real estate and doing mortgages, so we had lots of time to talk. It wouldn’t always be just me and Tanya, but also with several others from within the office. I would spend at least a couple of hours a day immersed in deep discussions with Tanya and many others. One additional bonus was that I was also starting to get some mortgage business from her—and others.
The more we spent time together, the more the conversations seemed to change form just business, to other more personal topics. I would discuss my family, wife, hobbies, etc, and she would do the same. It soon came to light that she was having similar feelings and issues within her marriage as I. We would often counsel each other with respect to the very personal problems we were having at home. Hindsight obviously tells me that this was not the thing to do.**
A couple of hours in her office turned into going out to lunch together, to eventually texting each other, and talking on the phone for lengthy periods of time. Many of the conversations were innocent enough as they were about business, or office issues, but many were about her husband, her family, and my wife or family. It was very clear now that I was becoming emotionally attached to her and she with me. In a lot of ways, I was feeling the same way I did when Linda and I first met. I felt good inside, and I felt good about myself, and I was just having a good time talking with another woman. I admit I felt guilty doing so, but the feeling was hard to walk away from.
That is pretty much how it all started. As you can see, it can be very easy for someone to fall into this type of situation. There was no desire on my part, nor was I actively in search of this type of affair–it just happened.
I will get into more of the story in subsequent posts and let you know how things eventually came to a head, and our affair was discovered and how it devastated Linda.
**Linda adds: “Yes, the reason why this was such a bad idea is you were sharing personal thoughts about your marriage with someone else, where you should have discussed it with me. I know how difficult and uneasy this would have been. However by letting her into your world you created a bond that should only be with your wife. You also may have found it very easy to share these thoughts, as she was such a good listener, agreed with what you were saying and offered such good advice. Unlike how you perceived it if you would have shared them with me. I believe the reason she was so easy to share these details with was because honestly what you were saying did not affect her, there was no emotional baggage that came with your confession. In contrast if you would have shared these thoughts with me I would become upset, defensive, etc., because you were saying affected me personally, and would have hurt my feelings. As you mentioned she became very attached to you as well. Another reason it was such a bad idea.”
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I’m sorry Im not BUYING IT, IT does not JUST HAPPENED!!!!! Emotional affairs are built over time, and over time, there’s a point when you know it’s wrong to continue. ( That’s before anything at all happens that you would not do infront of your spouse) I’m not buying it just snuck up on me, or our marriage was not up to par, or I wasn’t even looking for it, either way, does that allow or give the right to cheat!!!!!!!That’s how all relationships and marriages start we all know that.! We all know that feeling, You know when it’s inappropriate and choose to saturate your own selfish needs,, stroking your ego is a choice…LYing to your partner is a choice, , calling, texting, flirting, touch, etc, repeating what you know is wrong is another BAD CHOICE….Of course it starts as a casual conversation but once you notice your talking w sparkles in your eyes, you know it’s WRONG and that feeling is WRONG. You choose to continue with these feelings and little by little cut off your loving spouse.. Your heart is pounding for the wrong person and do you say to youself , I ‘m married and not doing this or I choose to follow my uncontrollable childess selfish need. Either way you made a CHOICE. You let it EVOLVE into a sneaky, dirty, deceiving, LYING relationship outside your marriage, each time you talk, text, see each other, think of each other, or even have that feeling of excitment for them your are deteriating your years of bonded upspoiled foundation you built w/ your spouse, your kids and your extended family, your church, your GOD. It’s not like you didn’t know what was going on until it was too late and your in an affair, Oh my gosh, what just happened, over these days, weeks, months, years,, That’s BULL….These take time to grow and there’s enough time to figure it out upfront before you ruin your marriage. It JUST HAPPENED???? For the hurt partner to stand back and and try to absord the gut wrentching fact you are even looking at another women/man with that kind of emotion is devatsting enough, but to say it just happened is not accepting you have a human brain that is functional at a normal IQ.. It’s obvious I’m the hurt partner after 24 years. I’ve never let any flirting or conversation get out of control and that is by CHOICE. Because I could let it happen almost everyday at work. BUT I CHOOSE to acknowlege this and know, hey, I”M MARRIED wether good , great or not, I”m MARRIED, and take no interest in flirty remarks and words or let business become more than buisness. NO NOT ACCEPTING or NOT TAKING FULL RESSPONSIBLILTY FOR YOUR ACTIONS AND CHOICES ONLY MAKEs IT WAY WORSE ;eventually end in DIVORCE…Because you cant build trust back if the cheating partner can’t acknowlege I ‘ve screwed up. Yes I’m a grown up and made that choice. The longer the affair last the worse it is. You need to first admit it, accept 100% blame, and work on why you choose this path, how to help heal your hurt spouse if possible, how you ended the affair,etc,,,. But if it’s allowed to sneak up, well, I gues we should all be prepared to cheat and get away with that lying excuse. ….Just not sure how I’m to deal w/ they both still work very close together as the firehouse and think it’s OK. ALL IS WELL where gonna just be friends again…..,
You know, everything that you say is true. We do have choices and obviously some of us make the wrong choices. But affairs can “just happen” from the standpoint that one is not out actively seeking an affair, and simply lets them self get sucked in. Not everybody is as strong willed as you apparently. That being said, I’m sorry that you are apparently a victim of an affair. Hopefully, you can get some ideas from this blog to help save your marriage–if that is what you want to do.
I completely agree with your anger. My situation is different–not that it excuses my husband the OW–but it began on the Internet. Met on poker on Facebook(Evil incarnate of the internet)she talked to him Jan 16th in the game. Then they would play and talk, and were “friends” for a couple of weeks, until I think their focus changed. She thought a skin cancer might be breast cancer, sick and needy, her husband sucks, I am so sweet, weak, and lonely, boo hoo. Be my big protector. He said it was not a physical attraction(pic)even now it is not about the short sexual relations they have had. She on the other hand thinks he is handsome, wonderful, great husband, dad etc…we was until her. Too bad her husband is addicted to XBox–she could have hooked up w/a single guy to have an affair in her own town, own damn country. But know, this emotional affair continued because she is “so nice, so caring, so insert adjective” that would make you fall in love if you are a vulnerable male. Yes, I did not meet all of his needs–I did not realize that his hints were really supposed to be shouts of HEY-I M GONNA LEAVE YOU AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE IF YOU DON”T GET IT TOGETHER. Had he communicated instead of trying to make me feel bad for not having a job, being emotional, withdrawing and doing my own thing to cope, I would have loved to go to counseling, read books, shower him with affection and attention all BEFORE this b*tch met him. But from what I have read this rarely happens in this type of affair–because it isn’t illicit at first, in our case, it is in cyberspace for heaven’s sake. I think my husband thought it was somewhat “safe”. But within one month he sent her roses for Valentines Day had quadruppled his cell minutes and fees, and thinks that he knew then that “she was the one he deserved” not selfish me mother of his kids partner of 24 yrs. I was told on April 18th and have been scratching and clawing my way up out a deep dark hole of deception, depression, anxiety, disbelief, pain, fear, and feeling of immense rejection–all because his words, “I want to be happy.” “Don’t I deserve to be happy?” Which was told to me and our kids in a totally ignorant, thoughtless way. PPL in this FOG are not right in the head. They are delusional and living in a utopian fantasy and should be put in straight jackets and locked up until their withdrawals go away and then be released back into the unsuspecting public and to their thunderstruck families. Just in the last couple of days have my emotions leveled off and I am having a paradigm shift. I can smile and think of the future with or w/o him. Letting go is freeing–when someone does not want to be held onto anymore. I just wanted you to see how fast all of this happened from 1st day to now 5 months. We are getting a divorce–after that it remains to be seen. I think they will be over. If I am unavailable he will find someone else. Or he might grace me with his presence again. It will be on my terms, my choice, and he will need to shift all of his paradigms!!
So true… I also made the choice, several times over, not to reply to any ‘offers’ from other men and it was a CHOICE based on the fact that my marriage was everything to me and I would not do anything to jeopardise it. I was friendly to my co-workers but never flirted, I kept my distances if necessary. And now I’ve found out that my husband of 21 years has had an emotional affair for the last SIX years and I’m devastated. He refuses to talk about it and I can’t understand how HE could jeopardise our marriage so easily and for so long.
We had some counselling but I’m not sure it helped that much (the counsellor seemed to think it was just a small thing, nothing to worry about and I should just enjoy the trappings of life together – travel, a nice flat, a nice car…).
Things seem fine as long as I behave ‘normally’ (ie as before) but inside me, it’s turmoil. I can’t help think about the lovey-dovey notes he sent the OW, the meetings they had without my knowledge, the presents he bought her, the lies he told me. The fact that he told her we ‘weren’t communicating’ makes me sick (that old chestnut about ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’). We used to take a bath together nearly every evening and talk. I tried to be supportive, I gave him my trust as well as my love.
I think he knows now that the OW used him for career help and advancement (and he must feel a total fool) but it was HIS choice to go for it and destroy our marriage.
There are days when I think things will be OK one day. Other days a voice inside me says ‘I want a divorce’. I don’t know where I stand anymore – the trust I had in him has totally gone. The unconditional love has been shattered and my self-esteem destroyed. Not a good place to be. Will it ever get better?
This sounds almost exactly like what happened when my husband was contacted by an old friend from high school. After nearly 20 years of no contact whatsoever, she was suddenly his long lost love and best friend. It was all by phone and email because she lives in another state, but he stilled stayed up into the wee hours of many mornings pouring through her blog and composing emails to her. He confided things to her that he had never told me until I expressed discomfort at the amount of time and energy he was spending with her. He told me that he’d had one foot out the door for a long time (I knew he was unhappy about somethings, but he told me it was all job related, otherwise I had NO CLUE). I guess she “helped” him realize it was really me who made him unhappy. Luckily(?), she must have figured out that there was a bit more than “friendship” between them and her conscience kicked in. She cut off contact. He was angry and withdrawn for a few weeks, but gradually came back to me. Now, he’s more attentive and affectionate than he’s been in years. But I’m still frequently suffering periods hurt, anger, and of course, guilt for not knowing how to cheer him up when I could see how unhappy he was. While I’m very glad that we’re more open and affectionate with one another, I miss the security I once felt. So, I feel like I understand your situation completely. Or as completely as someone outside the actual situation can, and I look forward to learning from you and cheering on your journey together.
I was there too.. And believe me, not a day goes by that I don’t blame my wife for her choices. But as a good husband who has the years invested in our life and children, I owe her the chance. I’ve known of her weaknesses. Her inability to take responsibly for things. That’s part of who she is. Who I married.
I know in our case what happened was a choice she made. She was unhappy in her life, in her job, in our marriage and in me. And here a young love that she had as a kid, who was taken from her, found her. Or she found him I still don’t know. She saw it as a reconnection with an old friend. FB can go to hell. Than he started to look a lot better than what she had. And she made the decision to let it go further. But it did weigh on her. It did bother her that she was doing something wrong. If she hadn’t got drunk one night with her friends she might not have cried out for me and confessed what she was doing. She desperately need attention. And luckily he lives hours away and is married cheating on his wife. How much was he going to be able to give to her.
But than we come to the taking responsibly for it. We are in our forth month of this and she still defends her actions by justifying it with the bad thing I’ve done. Not as much, but she does. She still replies in a lot of “I don’t know” answers and that’s the way I am or was brought up. But I see it as, if that wasn’t good enough before than what makes me think this won’t happen again. If she doesn’t make the choice to work on this, than its just like choosing to continue the lie.
I feel your pain. But like the authors of this site have said, most, not all, don’t set out to cheat. It is a accumulation of events and feelings that put you in the wrong place and state of mind.
I agree most do not set out to cheat, but when it comes to accepting the responsiblity, I can’t accept It just happened. Phone calls, texts, trac phone, gift card, meetings? At some point , the cheating has to be apparent? when does one realize it’s cheating when you choose to call your new friend/lover, and not your spouse? I was responding to the above story, I would not be able to accept, my husband stating it just happened. … I also can’t accept him still working w/ her. I guess it could just happen again than… it already did 2x’s….
And it was apparent. But like you, I don’t know what’s going on in her head. I don’t know day to day if she still thinks about him. I’m sure she does. But when they do stop and end it, either by choice or by the fear that they will loose everything, than they can begin to work on it if they choose. In some way, see the post about how would you accept an emotional affair, her personality doesn’t see it the same way I do. One of the things I liked about my wife was her independence. It gave me some independence to do things I wanted to do. I knew I could go out with friends and she wouldn’t worry about me hanging on or flirting with other women. She trusts me. But it is that personality that makes her see what she did as “not that bad, not cheating”. I know this is something we have to work on. If she wont it may come back as you said. But if you are saying he has done this twice, neither you nor your husband ever worked on it to keep it from ever happening again. If this ever happened to me again there will be no working on it. It will be over, because I deserve more. My kids deserve more. And so should you.
As far as working together, that’s like giving a recovering drug addict the keys to the pharmacy. Your right, it didn’t just happen. It was a Bad Choice he made. But like a recovering addict you have to make choices to avoid putting yourself in a place where you might make another bad choice. The human brain works in different ways for everyone. You shouldn’t accept that it just happened, but you should understand it and work on why it happened. People make bad choices everyday. Not because they set out to. But because they haven’t been taught, or ever learned, that it WAS a bad choice. I’m sure somewhere in your life you made a bad choice. Think about it and ask yourself why you made that choice. It took several speeding tickets for me to decide I needed to slow down. But before that I made the choice to go faster than the speed limit. This was a bad and potentially life changing choice.
Words for thought.
Excellent advice Michael. Thank you.
Again, so true – thanks for your words, they were enlightening.
I DO NOT believe that cheating “just happens.” My pastor always says this, and I deem it to be true, “Affairs do not just happen, it starts out as a thought and the if the person is weak and allows themselves to make the wrong/bad choice then it turns into an action.”
For those of you who believe that infidelity “just happens” I would challenge you to take a much deeper look at the cheater (whether it be you or your partner) and untangle what is going on inside. As devastating as it is to be cheated on, you MUST look at the cheater as having the problem, because they do. Most often they are dealing with deep insecurities and issues (hole in their soul) that they are unable to articulate. If they are unable to communicate these with you or a professional, then the potential is high that their destructive thoughts will lead to destructive, self-serving choices/actions.
Well said Jabney