7 Ways to Get Your Spouse to End the Affair

end the affairOne of the common threads Doug and I see in the emails and comments we receive is the situation where the cheating spouse is unwilling or unable to end the affair with their affair partner.  Our friend Dr. Robert Huizenga in his book “Break Free From the Affair” offers some powerful tactics that you might want to try in this situation.

In fact, Dr. Huizenga guarantees some great results if you follow his suggestions. You will feel “exceedingly” better, and your spouse will notice. Don’t be surprised if your spouse decides to work to save your marriage.

I can tell you that I took many of these suggestions to heart with Doug and his emotional affair, and I can attest to the fact that they do work.  It certainly isn’t an immediate thing by any means, but over time (as ending an affair can be a process) they will work.

If you want to stop your spouse from having the affair, Dr. Huizenga says that these are your best strategies:

1.  Act Happy. Dr. Huizenga says to “be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor/actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it until you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive.”

I must admit that this was difficult for me, since I was hurting so badly inside, but I tried to put on the best possible face I could.

2.  Get a life. Take up a hobby or take up a new interest. You might want to think about what you really liked doing when you were younger—even as a child.

3.  Focus on 4 words. Tattoo these words on your forehead if need be: “I WILL MAKE IT!” This becomes your mantra from now on. Let your spouse know that you will make it. Dr. Huizenga suggests that you say something like this to your spouse:  “I will make it! I prefer to make it with you, but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” I know I used almost that exact phrase with Doug, and it had an effect on him.

4.  To-the-point conversation. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such as bills, household or other family issues. Let silence prevail if he/she sucks you into his/her melodrama.  Politely but firmly end such conversations.

According to Dr. Huizenga,  emotional affairs strive on drama within the relationship.  Do not get caught up in the situation.  Be the steady, secure partner.  Eventually the drama surrounding the affair will get old and your spouse will long for the normalcy of their marriage.

5. Tend to agree. Try to find the nugget of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. For instance, if he/she says, “I don’t love you anymore.” Then you would respond with something like, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for being honest.” Or, if he/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” Then you would respond, “I’m sure it must be confusing for you.” If he/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” Then your response would be something like, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”

This was something that I failed to do in the beginning and really regret.  I would throw articles and books at him trying to convince him that he was living in a fantasy world.  I believe these tactics backfired because it made him feel controlled and pushed him  further into the relationship.

Agreeing was a very difficult task because I believed I was taking away all my control from the situation, but all I was doing was trying to control what Doug was feeling and I really couldn’t change that.

By agreeing, or not telling your spouse how he/she should feel, you are putting your relationship on even ground.  Your spouse will not feel threatened by your responses therefore would be more open to listen to what you have to say.  It is similar to dealing with a teenager; the more you tell them not to do something the more inclined they are to do it anyways.

6.  Expand your social relationships, including those of the opposite sex. Get out and meet new people.  Meet interesting and exciting people that seem to have the potential to care about you.  You may want to reconnect with old friends.  As far as hooking up with members of the opposite sex, Huizenga is clear to mention that this does not mean dating, or even some kind of revenge affair.  It means “being friends and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.”

7.  Get sexy – in a healthy way. Work on you. Get in shape. Lose weight. Exercise. Eat right. Take extreme care of your body and feel healthy — and sexy.

Though these tactics are powerful, Dr. Huizenga mentions that you should not use these strategies “as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it.” The result will be that your spouse will easily manipulate you back to a point where you are predictable and controllable.

One last thing…utilize these exercises and strategies because you want to — for you.

Click on the following link to learn more about what Dr. Huizenga’s book has to offer.  I highly recommend his material.

You may also want to check out this post: “How to Stop an Affair by Exposing It”



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89 Responses to 7 Ways to Get Your Spouse to End the Affair

  1. Alice December 3, 2010 at 10:56 am #

    I understand that it was a process, but what was the time line like for how long after you started to do these steps until no contact was established? And did Doug establish no contact on his own or did you have to ask him?

    • Doug December 4, 2010 at 9:38 am #

      Alice, Actually it’s hard to remember exact time frames, (Linda and I were both trying to remember a timeline this morning), but it was not a very long period of time–probably a couple of months or so before all contact was stopped. Linda asked me early on to stop, but I didn’t at first, but there was never any ultimatums. Once I came to the decision it was time to end the affair, that was in itself a process as well. Once ended, there was a period of a couple of months where there was “withdrawal” , but no contact, and it was about then that Linda said that she would not share me with anyone, and if I contacted Tanya, then our marriage would be over. I would say that snapped me out of the withdrawal pretty quick.

  2. konan December 4, 2010 at 3:55 am #

    I also would like to know a rough timeline as all she does is talk about him and I try to nip it in the bud but she just keeps on I want to have civil conversation but that’s her only topic as she works then goes out with him it’s just silence otherwise as I’m stuck at home with kids all fay

  3. konan December 4, 2010 at 4:52 am #

    just worried that by acting like this it is also clearing their guilt to continue their new relationship

    • hurtwife December 4, 2010 at 11:49 am #

      Konan, I don`t beleive that it clears any guilt,at least in my situation. My husband had an Ea that became a PA and when I found out I asked him to move out of our home. I know that seems extrem, but for me it was the only option I felt was right. He was shocked into realality and ended his affair within that same week. If it would have cleared his guilt and he would have continued his affair,then we would probably be going through a divorce right now,instead we are in therapy, he is back home and our marrage hasa real chance. I beleive that sometimes the only way a cheating spouse really gets what they are doing is when they get a dose of realality that they could lose everything they had in their life for a person that that most cheaters wouldn`t even be with if they were`t married, because it`t the feeling that they are getting from the affair, not the person themselves.

  4. michael December 4, 2010 at 4:08 pm #

    I let it go on for about a half a month. Trying to let her see on her own what she was doing. It got to a point where I had enough. I emailed him.
    When I did, I learned how little he cared about my wife behind her back. I showed her and she was mad at first. Well it lasted until she got to work with my sons phone. It continued for at least another 2 months after that behind my back.

  5. alice December 5, 2010 at 12:07 am #

    “Once I came to the decision it was time to end the affair, that was in itself a process as well.”

    Doug, could you expand on this? Does that mean that you ended it and then went back to Tanya a few times or….?

    And has Tanya ever tried to contact you or Linda since your final break up?

    • Doug December 5, 2010 at 9:48 am #

      Tanya did not want to end things, so she sort of hung on and contacted me for a bit. It ended for good, when she called me and told me her husband had found out about our EA. She has never tried to contact me since, and has never tried to contact Linda even during the EA.

  6. Troubled December 6, 2010 at 7:27 am #

    I did all the above. My wife told me she was in love with this other guy and wanted to leave me because of him. She ended up divorcing me and her family is starting to accept him and her being together. I was told to let people know about the affair. Should I let all of her family know, too? I kept the feelings, pain, hurt and sorrow in for too long.

    • Doug December 6, 2010 at 12:22 pm #

      Troubled, I understand you feeling a lot of pain and suffering, but in my opinion, it would be best for you to move on and not tell her family. It would do you no good really, other than to exact some sort of revenge on your ex. But that’s just me. Perhaps revenge is your motive, and if it helps you get some closure to the whole ordeal, then that’s for you to decide.

  7. Troubled December 6, 2010 at 12:44 pm #

    Revenge is not my motive. I want everyone to be happy. I went through a lot and changed my attitude because of this. The only reason I would want to get back with her would be for our children.

    • Doug December 6, 2010 at 2:13 pm #

      I’m glad to hear that revenge is not your plan. I still don’t think that telling her family about the affair would be the right way to go about doing it. It will more than likely cause more harm than good.

  8. Confused76 December 6, 2010 at 4:52 pm #

    Just back from therapy he said I need to come to terms with the fact she has moved on and accept we can’t live together with the kids and that I need to fill my time I feel crushed that even my worst target of living as a family is not obtainable even if I said she could go out and see him I’m so lost and crushed that everything is being taken from me I just want to curl up in a ball and cry till I can’t cry anymore
    Please help me

  9. Alice December 7, 2010 at 12:19 am #

    I wish I had answers for you C76.


  10. Confused76 December 7, 2010 at 6:57 am #

    I need some all I get is my worst fears told to me over and over yet I still have hope

  11. Last2know December 7, 2010 at 7:10 am #

    Troubled, it will all come out on it’s own and then your ex will have to explain to her family, but they may already know. Keep working on you, being happy is the best revenge.

  12. Confused76 December 7, 2010 at 9:18 am #

    i still belive she loves me and is just confused between her infactuation love and the mature love we have. If i move out i feel all my happy memories will be destroyed by the fact she will see him in our house as she wont be able to go out as she will have the kids and then i wont be able to come back as that will be all i can see on our sofa and in our bed please help

    • Doug December 7, 2010 at 9:47 am #

      Confused, I think you are right about her confusion. I also think that eventually that will blow up and she will come crawling back. If it were me though, I would not move out. She’s the one having the affair, let her be the one to move out. I think that you need to try your best to get strong and work on you. If she does choose to continue her affair, you need to be strong.

  13. D December 7, 2010 at 10:33 am #

    Confused, it may be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to face, but trust me you will feel better about yourself, you will be stronger, you will heal IF you let her go. The two of you MAY get back together someday, but trust me the more you focus on yourself and your needs, building your self-esteem, the more you might feel that not only will you survive without her, but you may not even want her back.

    This is one of those ironies of life that the less attention you give her the more attractive you become.

    For better or worse, let her go.

  14. Confused76 December 7, 2010 at 10:36 am #

    But if she moves out the kids will go with her as she is the mum and I work out of town I can’t afford the rent withhout the benefits the kids bring in so we would loose the family home so is it better for kids that I go

  15. Confused76 December 7, 2010 at 10:56 am #

    If I move out how can I move back knowing what she has done in our home while I’ve been gone as I still want her back

  16. Confused76 December 7, 2010 at 12:25 pm #

    Thanks d you seem to be saying what slot of people have said to me and when I have ignored her and not texted her she rings or texts me and gets annoyed does this mean she still wants me

  17. Troubled December 7, 2010 at 1:20 pm #

    I think one of the best things anyone can do is work on themselves throughout an affair. Try to become the better person, one that anyone would like to be with. Aspire to have the best marriage possible in the future, with or without your adulterous spouse.

  18. Jane December 7, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

    I am not sure I agree with those steps- and this is coming from the cheater. It took some real tough love from my husband to get me to snap out of it. I ended the affair on my own and then he found out that it had carried on for months after our original DDay. Sure, sometimes I wish that he would have been a bit more amicable in the early days (he was really great, not trying to say he wasn’t), but he did put forth his needs. He did communicate his pain and frustration. I think many of those steps above encourage putting on a false front and I don’t think that is healthy. If I’ve learned anything through this process it is that honest communication is key.

    • Doug December 8, 2010 at 8:31 am #

      Hi Jane, I agree with Troubled, in that everyone and every situation is different and people respond in different ways to different things. I think a combination approach probably works best in most situations. One thing to note is that a betrayed spouse is a desperate spouse, and they need lots of ideas and ammunition in their fight to save their marriage.

  19. Confused76 December 7, 2010 at 2:17 pm #

    I want to present myself better but she is flaunting her relationship and it is all she talks about so it’s all I think about she is very strong willed and its like she is determined to prove everyone wrong as everyone has told her she is wrong to be doing this to me and kids just wish she would want to make this work

  20. Troubled December 7, 2010 at 2:46 pm #

    Jane, I feel each person will have something different work for them. One thought, if honest communication is the key, I think the adultery would have never happened.

    IMO, try everything you possibly can to save the family, ultimately making yourself a better person. There is a reason for the cheater to have done it. Try to learn from the situation and break bad habits on both parts.

  21. Confused76 December 7, 2010 at 3:01 pm #

    I know my bad points and have said I will change them but as she is always with him how can I show her if I don’t get the chance do I need to go for her to miss me

  22. Confused76 December 8, 2010 at 5:27 am #

    but that involves risking all my memories
    she has said he wont come round here when i move out but how can they have a relationship when she is home wiyh the kids all the time and he doesnt come here its not possible she would have 2 nights when kids with me and what they go out then where do they go his mums or an empty 3 bed house i am giving up everything here for no guarentees just what people think that she will want me back then i come back to taited moemories or dont come back at all
    I still love her and want her

  23. Troubled December 8, 2010 at 8:19 am #

    First off, from all I’ve read and heard, don’t tell her you’ve changed anymore. Don’t beg or plead. Show her you’re a strong person and can operate on your own. Go out with friends and have a good time. Put a smile on your face, even if it’s forced. Be the best father you possibly can and keep the children as much as you can. If you can afford the house, stay in it and tell her to move out.

  24. Confused76 December 8, 2010 at 1:12 pm #

    I’m at her mums and they say give her time and that I can always come round but I need to move on and not live in hope but their believe is she will realise and miss me

  25. Troubled December 8, 2010 at 2:23 pm #

    I made the mistake of going to her parents. Her parents and I were very close. They were shocked to hear about the affair and said they were extremely upset with her. After that, they did not talk to me anymore and told me to move on. They said she loves the other man and I am guessing when she talked to them, she told them every little bad thing I had ever done and made up the rest to make me look bad :/

    Time will break off the affair.

    • Doug December 9, 2010 at 6:16 am #

      I guess blood is thicker than water, no matter what the situation is, huh?

  26. Confused76 December 8, 2010 at 4:27 pm #

    They told me I was welcome anytime and they had spare rooms if I wanted to stay they don’t know what she is doing and believe she will come back to me we are sitting in the front room she is wrapping Xmas presents and we are planning what to get everyone but she has stopped to text him so I am taking time to ask for help does anyone think her family are right or am I wrong to leave them to blow out themselves but how can I move back in if that happens

  27. Confused76 December 9, 2010 at 2:59 am #

    She has told me that the Xmas shopping that I was looking forward to is now a precise mission so we can get back to do the housework before getting kids so she has an hour with them before seeing him I wanted a nice day planning Xmas and now I’m disappointed help

  28. Confused76 December 9, 2010 at 12:06 pm #

    She has told me he won’t come in our home or be around our kids but I go back to work tomorrow and we have had a huge row their both off tomorrow and she said if I keep pushing her she will have him round she is clanking me at every time I speak to her and she is going out tonight what can I do she is so angry I was telling our son off before school and it slipped out that this wasn’t how I wanted my last few weeks of living I didn’t want to spend telling him off he is a very bright 8 year old and picked up on it she went mad at me for telling him surly she won’t do anything in the house to ruin Xmas but I just don’t know she won’t say she has said the situation with our son isn’t all my fault but she won’t acknoledhe that she understands how I am feeling at the moment

  29. Confused76 December 9, 2010 at 3:59 pm #

    she has just rung me to say sorry about the argueing this afternoon. when we went shopping this morning she held my hand i didnt iniate it she did she also hugged me but says she doesnt want to lead me on,she is now out with him but she asked me to walk her to her car and that she will talk to me when she gets back from seeing him tonight is she messing with me or just confused as to what she wants, please help all comments appreciated i still love her and want her back

  30. Confused76 December 10, 2010 at 11:44 am #

    I finished my first shift back at work today and got a text from her saying he had just popped in to check she was ok as she went sick from work today but my son told me that he picked them up from school. Together they had both told me that he wouldn’t be in my house or around my kids but first time I’m out he is round how can she put me through this when she knows I’m struggling with the end of our relationship and her new one when she keeps leading me on help please

  31. Confused76 December 11, 2010 at 4:25 am #

    I think I deserve better than this I need answers but she won’t talk to me about things

  32. Confused76 December 11, 2010 at 10:29 am #

    I am reserved to if I want her back I have to let her go which means I have to move out be a weekend dad and hope she realises what we had was worthwhile I hope she does it’s going to be hard for me any advice as to how to cope as I’ve lost weight and not sleeping without pills

    • Doug December 11, 2010 at 11:23 am #

      Though I agree that maybe you have to be apart to make her realize what she is losing, I still don’t see why have to be the one moving out.

      • hurtwife December 11, 2010 at 1:05 pm #

        Don`t move out, she should, she made the choice she did. As far as losing weight,that`s par for course when under the stress that infidelity. BUT, you should work out at least 5 times a week for your mental health.

  33. Confused76 December 11, 2010 at 11:42 am #

    Neither do I but society puts kids with the mother so what can I do

  34. Confused76 December 11, 2010 at 12:03 pm #

    She has just read this page as I left my iPod on it and she said it’s amazing how well I know and read her as she was thinking what I’ve been saying on here but she said she doesn’t want to get my hopes up

  35. Confused76 December 11, 2010 at 6:25 pm #

    So she thinks she might want me back if I go what am I suppose to do with that information

  36. Confused76 December 12, 2010 at 3:57 am #

    Does she realise if I go I can’t come back knowing she has been here with him

  37. Confused76 December 12, 2010 at 1:12 pm #

    Now she saying it’s completely over I asked her if I could live in our home for January as I could take holiday from work and just work sat sun so she could be weekend parent for a month before I became it for rest of their life but she said no as she couldn’t see him at her mums

  38. Confused76 December 12, 2010 at 5:00 pm #

    Its all come to an end for me im moving out in jan she can have her life with him i will be the best i can for my kids and throw myself into my work when im not with them.
    She wont talk to me about anything i just get frustrated its a bad enviroment for the kids i just hope when im gone and she can see him whenever she wants that she will play with the kids like she used to,before this came out i hope im right and she is just infactuated with him but it wont change us as i cant come back if i go it will be to painful i just hope she realises what we are both giving up for this!
    maybe in time she will see what she has put me through although i know i didnt handle it well

  39. Confused76 December 18, 2010 at 4:37 am #

    Haven’t given up just trying to be happy for my kids I asked her if she felt trapped and she said yes but couldn’t talk to me about it is she feeling like. That as I make her feel like that or because he does as he has left his wife and kids so she feels she has to be with him I don’t know I’m worried about her mental health
    Last night she came to bed at 130 and woke me up to say she was worried about me and asked if I wanted drunken sex I said if you want but left her to incite it she didn’t and fell asleep leaving me wide awake and analysing everything she didn’t go out last night but was constantly texting him and as soon as she woke up this morning she is texting him again and me and kids are downstairs and she is lying in bed still help me make sense of this does she need my help

  40. Confused76 December 18, 2010 at 11:12 am #

    Today she she couldn’t explain why all she wanted was to see him and nothing else mattered I told her about your definition of infavtuation and she sort of nodded then I asked. Of she thought it was a long term relationship with him and she said no he is to immature I then asked if there was an us in the future and she said I don’t know I then asked about feeling trapped and she said she couldn’t talk to me about that

  41. Confused76 December 18, 2010 at 7:41 pm #

    She came back from seeing him today and could see. How upset I was she hugged me said for me not to move out and that she would quit work and not see him and we would talk when kids were in bed
    But when we talked she texted him telling him and he said he understood but they kept texting while we were talking even though. She said when she is not with him she thinks what am I doing but then he texts or sees him then nothing else matters and we went back to not being together and going over the old issue of me lying about watching porn I have said I can see I had a problem but we were together through that so we can work together to get through this how can I brake his control over her and get the partner who cares about me

  42. Confused76 December 20, 2010 at 4:21 am #

    yesterday she went to her friends for the evening when she came back we chatted for 15 mins then she wanted to watch something that i didnt i said i was tired and was going to bed she said why dont you doze on the sofa with me which is what we used to do then we went to bed where she went to start sex with me then stopped and said it wasnt fair on me i said ok rolled over and she went to do it again and we had sex afterwards and this morning she was really quiet she has now gone to work with him is she feeling bad for me or him?

    • Doug December 20, 2010 at 6:23 am #

      Confused, It’s tough to say what’s in her head right now, but I imagine she is confused. It sounds from your last few comments that she is having second thoughts about her affair. Stay strong, don’t be clingy, but offer her your understanding as she might experience a withdrawal if she does in fact quite seeing the other person.

  43. Confused76 December 20, 2010 at 7:48 am #

    Thanks doug she has said to me she is seeing him after work then she will come home and we can get a takeaway as we deserve it and she has started putting x on the end of her texts again now just worried I’m setting myself up for disappointment again

  44. Confused76 December 20, 2010 at 11:01 am #

    She has cancelled our takeaway as she feels sick but hasn’t said she isn’t going out is she just feeling guilty about having sex with me for him or me so confused at moment think she is coming out fog slowly but so hard to not say anything to push her back to him

  45. Confused76 December 20, 2010 at 4:45 pm #

    She came in from work and asked me how I felt after we had sex last night I said ok and she said what about emotionally and I said ok I suppose why you and she said she was all over the place because but I stopped her and said not now kids are here later and now she hasn’t spoke about it again don’t want to ask backing. Off not pushing just want to know what’s in her head

  46. Confused76 December 20, 2010 at 7:59 pm #

    Now in bed she hasn’t restarted the conversation but she has been texting him all evening when does she stop and think about things like this now in bed and she asleep and me with head full of questions help

  47. Confused76 December 21, 2010 at 6:11 am #

    This morning she said she is suppose to be with him she also said have I told him we had sex the other night I said no why would I she said as he is only giving me one word answers I haven’t but think you should talk to someone if it’s not me then someone and she said she spoke to Tony at work yesterday I said maybe he said something I asked her if she regretted having sex with me and she said she couldn’t answer me but is that because she doesn’t want to get my hopes up or hurt my feelings

    • Doug December 21, 2010 at 11:24 am #

      As I’ve said before, I think your wife is confused of her feelings. She is in a fantasy world right now with the OP, and it feels good to her. I don’t think SHE knows how she feels.

  48. Confused76 December 21, 2010 at 12:00 pm #

    Thanks doug I can see changes in her but it’s hard to sit and wait when I can see her struggling

  49. Confused76 December 22, 2010 at 8:11 am #

    She told me last night that he is a dick she just can’t stop how can I help her or shall I stay backed off and leave her to decide on her own

  50. Confused76 January 7, 2011 at 8:25 am #

    i moved out on jan 1st on the morning she said im glad i can tell you this before you go but i think ive made a terriable mistake we then had sex before i went and she said thats so i know she isnt doing anything with anyone else we then got on well for 3 days her telling me she was ending it and to let her do it her way but when she went back to work i sent her a text saying am i being a gulliable twat here and she went off on one now were not sorting things out and she is seeing him still i have distance myself from her and only talk about the kids and money now im living with my mum hope the space i give her allows her to decide what she wants and that its me

    • Doug January 7, 2011 at 9:08 am #

      Confused76, So sorry that you had to move out, but on the positive side, it seems she is having second thoughts and perhaps he is starting to show his not-so-pleasant real side. She does seem to flip flop an awful lot though. Hopefully, she will get it together and end her relationship and welcome you back home. Keep us updated.

  51. Confused76 January 7, 2011 at 9:16 am #

    I know this is last chance time for us but hopefully she will figure it out I have found your site to be a fantastic support the last couple of months and hope to have a success story to share in the future will keep posting in the meantime as I’m sure it’s gonna be tough for me while I’m backing off to such an extreme level

    • Doug January 7, 2011 at 9:38 am #

      Yes Confused, backing off can be difficult. Be sure to keep working on yourself, and strengthening your relationship with your kids.

  52. Confused76 January 7, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    I am going back to work playing football again and tonight is poker with the boys just worry that I will be our of sight out of mind for her and she will think I’ve moved on and think she hasn’t got me as an option

  53. Confused76 February 8, 2011 at 7:09 am #

    month later and she has told me its over with him 10 days ago and that we could try as she still loves me but that lasted 4 days before she went back to him and then this weekend we had sex twice on the sunday both started by her but she is still with him have decided that i need to cut all non kid related contact with her now so i can move on and she can realise what a huge mistake she has made

    • Doug February 8, 2011 at 7:46 am #

      Confused, We were wondering how you were doing. I think that you are making a wise decision by cutting off all non-kid related contact. It seems as though her relationship is faltering with the other man, and I bet soon she will come crawling back. I guess the question then becomes whether or not you take her back.

  54. Confused76 February 8, 2011 at 8:08 am #

    i dont know what to do it goes from us getting along to us blazing at each other so hope by leaving her to it now it will blow out but stupidly told him we had sex yesterday and now there both angry at me her for me telling him and him for lying even though im not

  55. Confused76 March 21, 2011 at 4:08 pm #


    • Doug March 21, 2011 at 4:09 pm #


  56. Confused76 March 21, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    sorry wasnt sure how to post
    She split from him at the end of feb and we are now trying and taking it slowly which im finding very hard but she says she needs to sort her head out and that she feels bad about how she has treated me just wondering if there was anything someone could say to help me through this now

    • Doug March 21, 2011 at 4:43 pm #

      Confused, this is all good news, yes? I had a feeling this would happen. I wouldn’t be too concerned with it yet, as she is still just recently out of her relationship with him and is sorting out her feelings. She may still be withdrawing from the feelings associated with the affair. You need to somehow bring back the connection, passion and intimacy that once existed in your own relationship.

  57. Confused76 March 21, 2011 at 6:42 pm #

    im still living at my mums and feel annoyed upset or somewhere inbetween that she never contacts me its left up to me to make contact even if its just to say night and when were together she says a good evening is just sitting there like we used to but that wasnt good enough then so why now what is going to change

  58. Roger March 25, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    Im at the end of my rope. I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried backing off, and I thought it was working, but after a while my W started telling me that I was not doing anything to actively fix the situation. I told her that the only thing I could do was work on myself, which I was doing, and could not do anything about her. Last night I got sucked into talking about everything with her, and she said all the things that are typical of CSs in this situation: “I love you, but am not in love with you,” “Im not attracted to you,” “I don’t know how I can go back.”

    I asked her why she hasn’t left me yet, and she said that she didn’t know. I then asked her what she was scared of if we tried to work on our marriage: it working or not working. She said both. I am assuming she is scared of it working because she knows that she will lose the OM if it does, and not working then she has failed.

    I think I should go back to backing off and just working on me again, and not talking to her about anything other than daily stuff. But, it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

    • Vidz January 21, 2018 at 9:52 pm #

      Roger did things get better between you and her?

  59. Confused76 March 25, 2011 at 6:45 pm #

    your story sounds like mine in fact she admitted then when i ignored her it made it easier for her but when we sat down to chat about money we just talked rubbish for 4 hours and she said she wanted to try but it didnt last so i went back to ignoring her about anything non kid related dont know what happened her end but she is trying with me again its hard to do and dont know why it worked but touch wood trying again is going good although i wouldnt say were their yet as its only been 2 weeks and it still hangs over us.
    she sent me a text today saying how much she has realised i mean to her and that she is ashames of what she did and how she treated me i really want to believe her but i still have a little voice saying it wont last is this normal

    • Doug March 26, 2011 at 9:33 am #

      Confused, With everything that you have gone through, I think that you need to listen to that little voice. That being said, this might be a good opportunity for you to really get your relationship back in the right direction.

  60. Confused76 April 11, 2011 at 6:31 pm #

    been no contact with her other man for 6 weeks she regrets it and say she wishes she had listened to people when they said she was making a mistake

    • Doug April 11, 2011 at 6:41 pm #

      Confused, That’s great news. You need to put that in last Wednesday’s post comments as a success story!

  61. mightbeatranny July 24, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    why do you want her back? she’s nuts and treats you like shit. is it love, an addiction, or a fear of divorce?

  62. confused76 August 22, 2011 at 6:41 pm #

    5 weeks ago I was suppose to stay at my mums after work as I finished late and had an early start and she was going to have a friend over but when I finished work and rung her she didn’t answer her mobile even though she was with the kids I let my insecurites rise up and got the bus home it turns out she was walking the dog with her friend and kids and had left her phone at home we had a big arguement about it and she went to the pub with her friend when she came back she said I was suffocating her and needy and that I had given her a way out. I tried dealing with my insecurities and thought I had got better then last week we had sex and I assumed we were back together but now she says she did it as she thought I wanted to and it didn’t mean we were together she says she loves me and we have kissed since then but tonight she said were still not together and I’m confused as to what she wants from me.

  63. Confused79 September 6, 2011 at 12:15 pm #

    She still says she loves me but I need to leave it and sort out my insecurities but these are that she doest find me attractive any more which is just fueled by this so what can I do we live together so she sees me when I’m down I don’t know what to do as I love her but don’t know how to change her perception of me

  64. Vero September 25, 2011 at 3:54 pm #

    I have done all of these without even knowing about them. 1week after DD my FIL advised me, be happy around him n look nice. You’ll see. He’ll come back. I love my FIL. He n the rest of my husbands family n friends have been very supportive.
    2weeks after DD, I later discovered he reconnected w OW. He confessed it to me 2weeks after this (1mos after DD). I was VERY calm n listened. Said only positive things. Thanked him for telling me the truth and even applauded him for his honesty. He claimed I never supported him! I calmly said I did but he didn’t want to see it or else he would see how good our relationship was. Etc etc. I even told him to continue seein her until he’s ready to let her go. Until then I’ll be here working on myself.
    It’s been almost 9weeks since DD. I can say that he has taken small steps. He has been acting normal for the past 5 days. Today he bought me strarbucks just bcuz… We are separated n he still talks about movig out of his parents in April and into an apt we own. I just listen although it breaks my heart. Yesterday he took us (3yo, 8wk old n I) to the fair. We had a very good time. He called me babe. 🙂 the last time we had a family putting like that he walked 10 steps ahead of me the entire time and wanted to leave early. We rarely spoke and he was very distant (I found out thru OW that he had taken her to 4day Mexico trip the week before and the exact same outting 2wks before).
    So if I compare the two trips I’d say we r making good progress. My problem is I get impatient. I want him home already. But even if he came home tomorrow, I know things would b rough. At least this way I know that when he is home, it will b bcuz he wants to b home.

  65. StillMrs November 20, 2011 at 10:53 am #

    The day I realized he AND the OW he was having an EA withwere actually trying to make me jealous & to think they were having an a ffair, I stopped looking at the whole thing like a jealous wife. I didn’t pick fights, I drew lines in the sand instead (if you’re going to be with her, leave our townj if you’re spending time with us, tell her not to call; keep her from affecting our family life; the best for last, here’s your bag, don’t come back until your family is your priority). I made it so easy for them, it stopped being fun & exciting. Quickly!I’m still worried, but I somehow (faking it til I made it, I suppose) someone who wanted her marriage to work, but who would be just fine if it didn’t. I speak my mind kindly, I voice my fears, & he’s learning to reassure me when he’s doing something that will trigger bad memories. I trust that he’s trying, but not that he won’t faulter. He is aware of the many ways my life is easier without him because I told him. But I have also made it crystal clear that I WANT a life with him. I love the man I know he can be, not the teenager I have been married to the past 3 years. I hope he continues to believe me.

  66. Vidz January 21, 2018 at 7:03 am #

    I know him for 8 years before marriage. We are now married for 2 years and have a 1 year son. When my son was 3 months I have moved to my mom’s with consent of my husband because there was no one to look after my baby when im at work. Now I’m back in my husband’s place. I found in december 2017 that he is having an affair with his colleague. He admitted to it and said he can’t leave her. He is now staying in his sister’s room in the same house. He does not want to see me nor he talks to me. He ignores me completely as if i dont exist. He said that he hates me. He is not willing to work on our marriage. He said he really loves the other girl. I love him and want him back.

  67. DKP April 18, 2018 at 10:32 am #

    I confronted my husband Dec 26 about his affair he admitted to it, there has been a lot of blame towards me but he seems to not be blaming me anymore. He does not want to leave says he still loves me which is very confusing, I have done the backing off not sure if it’s worked….. he has left the ow 3 times but is still with her…. I’m exhausted at the best of times. He spends more time with me than her but there obviously is some real pull to her, we have had sex a couple of times in the past 4 months but then he goes cold. We do talk a lot about how we feel, he’s now saying he doesn’t think he will be with either of us in a years time…… the ow husband tried to kill himself last night poor man I feel his pain, this is the most confused I have ever been in my life!!!!! So I’m currently just continuing to work on myself and be a good mom and I suppose whatever happens, happens. I am on this website everyday it gives me a lot of help and hope but I have realized there is nothing I can do. The ball is in his court

    • K July 23, 2018 at 4:19 pm #

      Hey DKP,

      Any update on your situation? It sounds VERY similar to mine and I am really struggling with how to deal with all of this. Kick him out, let him stay, try to work on us, act like were friends, no clue which way to go. He seems to end things with her, want me back, then go back to her, makes things awful with us by rewriting history and just being negative. It is EXHAUSTING! Would love to hear if you have made any progress.


  68. OT September 30, 2018 at 3:33 pm #

    DPK and K,
    My scenario is very similar to yours, and I wanted to check in and seee how things are going?

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