Some time last week was the fourth anniversary of our D-day and a fantastic thing happened…I forgot about it! That may not sound like a big deal, but to me this was a major breakthrough in my infidelity healing.
Now keep in mind that I usually remember everything and I knew the anniversary was coming up, but strangely this year I couldn’t remember the exact date. This was very unlike me because for the past three years I couldn’t forget the date, along with every detail and every conversation.
Not so this year. This year I had to actually try to remember when the date was, but ironically it kept escaping my mind. If you ask me today I still can’t remember. The more I made the attempt to focus on the date and the circumstances, the more my mind kept telling me to let it go. Believe me, I tried to recount everything. I tried to feel the pain again but something in my mind kept telling me let it go. In many ways it seems like D-day was ions ago, yet occasionally it can still feel like it happened yesterday.
I felt that my experience was exactly what my therapist was telling me during my last session several weeks ago. He said my mind is right on target. I know and understand everything that I need to do to heal but my emotional self just needs to catch up. I guess in this instance I allowed my brain to take over and tell my emotional self to go take a hike.
As an accomplished over thinker, I wondered why this year was different than the last three years. I worried that possibly I had grown numb to my feelings. Was there something wrong with my feelings for Doug? I wondered why I had let it go and if that was the right thing to do.
For three years it had been a security blanket. I believed if I continued to remember everything then I would be safe from being hurt again. It was imperative that I remembered that date and made sure that Doug didn’t forget it either.
During one of our nightly walks last week, I casually mentioned to Doug that it was our D-day anniversary and that I was okay. I also expressed my curiosity as to why I was doing so well this year. Then, I simply just said that I am over it. The affair was so stupid and unnecessary that this year it was not worth my time or effort and I didn’t want to dwell on it any longer.
I do still occasionally suffer from triggers, though far less often and when they occur they are far less damaging. Even though it feels great to not experience them like I used to, it’s also a little scary. Those triggers have been a part of me for the last four years, and as I mentioned before, they became my security blanket.
From my observations, most of you are far less removed from your D-day than we are from ours. My motivation and sincere wish behind writing this brief post is to give you all some hope and perhaps some inspiration.
Everything involved with healing from infidelity sucks – D-day anniversaries, working at forgiveness, triggers, rebuilding trust, etc. etc., and it takes a long time and it takes a ton of work, but one step at a time, day-by-day you can make it through!
41 replies to "Infidelity Healing – Our Fourth Anniversary of D-day"
Thanks for this Linda! This post comes at a good time and I am looking forward to forgetting dates and details too! I still have to wait a little further ahead, but it is comforting to know that it is possible. Thank you
Diito, over a year and I still think about it multiple times everyday. Even though the thoughts are usually easy to dismiss, I long for the day when I don’t worry or think about it or her daily. I’d settle for weekly at this point.
Thanks, Linda.
Interesting timing for this post! My initial DDay is upcoming in about 10 days…this is year 2 for ‘us.’ Unfortunately, i wonder if i too will ever forget but understand that may not happen. DDay#1 was our 25th wedding anniversary weekend. Does anyone out there have any advice on how to get thru your wedding anniversary when its shared with a DDay ‘anniversary? ‘ …no way can this date EVER be celebrated, ever again…no way. At least not at this point in our lives.
It to will be my 2 yr. D Day anniversary end of Oct beginning of Nov. and my 41st wedding anniversary end of Oct. I guess it depends where u are at in your recovery. My husband always sent flowers for our anniversary every year even when he was in his EA at work. Can’t remember the exact D-date but I know it was within the week following my wedding anniversary when he told me of his EA. I told him not to send flowers for anniversary as they mean nothing to me anymore and I mourned the marriage I had for so many years. We did renew our marriage vows last year a week before original wedding anniversary and that is now the date we celebrate together. I wish you happiness.
Linda,
Thanks for your post. It is very encouraging.
Hope & inspiration! I LOVE THIS POST! THANK YOU!! It is so NEEDED for ALL of us!! Sometimes I just want to ask every couple that look in love if they have ever experienced infidelity… I wish you & Doug would make a movie when your 5th year rolls around! Who would play YOU and who would play DOUG??
Well, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt of course! 😉
Thank you Linda….in some ways I am almost there,,,in others still not. I love the part about your emotions needed to catch up. I am an overthinker too….hard sometimes to shut those wheels off. Good luck to you both and thank you for your help.
Thank you Linda for this post i hope day i could my Dday too. I also share my Dday with my Annivesary weekend and it was not easy this first year i just did not want to celebrate my Annivesary this year. I hope one day we could move forward and not look back it been a very hard year for both us but i have a new and better Marriage now.
Thank you, Linda. I appreciate your words. They do bring hope and encouragement that with time, I can look forward to big improvements.
Linda, thank you for your post. I’m glad my Dday is nowhere near an important date for me or my family. This year it didn’t hurt as much as the first year. I also hope the time will come when I forget that date.
It will be a year on Monday and I’m dreading it! The triggers aren’t as painful as they were even a few weeks ago, but I still have days where I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have images at the back of my mind that come and go each day, and every so often I feel extremely drained. I wonder what I used to think about before all of this! Your thoughts and feelings are really comforting and I am pleased for you that you are coming out the other side.
My D-day anniversary is on Monday, too — the day my entire life changed. I am thankful to Linda for posting this. It also reminds me of how long this entire process is — 4 years?!? Yikes. I remember reading an article on this site shortly after D-day in which the author — Peggy Vaughan? — said that she has never known anyone to recover from a spouse’s infidelity in less than two years. Sigh. My CS has been expressing more remorse lately and apologizing in a way that seems more sincere. Last night he said he misses me. I just can’t seem to draw any closer to him — there is truly a block there. It’s like I’m seeing him for who he really has been all these years, and it’s really not attractive at all. And of course I have days like the ones Eliza describes. “Weight” is a good way to describe the sensation. At first, I was so hurt and angry that the pain was searing and hot. Now it’s just heavy and persistent, if that makes sense. I am grateful to Linda for giving us all hope that that weight too will eventually lift — one way or another.
I am so happy that I found this site.
Never in a million years did I ever thiink that I would be the one looking from the other side of the fence. I have always had a strong dislike for cheaters and a very unforgiving heart when it came to hearing anyone’s story. I made it very clear that if I were ever cheated on, there would be NO second chances. I wouldn’t even give him time to blink before his butt was kicked to the curb….
What do they say??? about pointing your finger and having more pointing back at you?
http://dianereedwiter.wordpress.com/2012/09/28/i-write-to-breathe/
Did anyone obsess about the affair….day and night. It had been two years and I still couldn’t get it out of my head. I would ask my husband daily about something about the affairs….YES there were many…and they all came to light with a year of the LAST major one that brought the house of cards down. He had tried to go back to her…and I hadn’t found out for a year….it was another D day for me, but he didn’t think it was any big deal since they hadn’t had sex and just talked for 2 weeks. Then it was catching him trying to connect to someone on facebook…random person friended him…ended up they didn’t know each other…of which I didn’t find out for months about this one conversation. Then craigslist look up for personal ads…of course, I’m crazy and he’s telling me this was because he still didn’t know where we were in our relationship. Then it was just one little lie….and then another. I was very suspicious about every woman he got an email from…I daily “conversations” with him were primarily about how insecure I felt. These woman always seemed prettier, thinner….I never could get all the truth out of him…Never could figure out what the truth was…or was it said to me to minimize the hurt…then he’d tell me something very hurtful….CRAZY and difficult. I tried getting him to go to counseling and read Linda McDonald’s book…which said everything I felt….BUT he thought AA was enough for him…his buddies and that I just loved being miserable!!! He was being secretive more and more…even though he was telling me daily how much he loved me and I was the love of his life….He suddenly when I was out of town a year ago…moved out……he had been telling people that he had been separated from his wife for years….while we still lived together!!! STILL the pain is so difficult. He filed for divorce right after he moved out…and it’s been final for a couple months now. Did I just push him over the edge by my “interrogations and investigations” all the time…like he said….although I think it was mostly because my intuition was heightened…and he still wasn’t being honest…SAID AA told him he shouldn’t reveal all the other affairs….even though he would then tell me…”I’ve told you everything…there is nothing more to tell”….but then shortly after that something did come up about a woman he was seeing for 6 weeks…..that he had “forgotten” about!! How can you forget?? But he sent me an email telling me he had truly forgotten since he had just met her and talked once a week…..BUT it still made me crazy!!! Suspicion….I was checking his email pretty often…and phone records…not like that would stop him from cheating!!! Just made me feel safe, but found he could get in there and delete stuff before I saw it….It was an innocent email (supposedly) from a woman that he was sending some political info to….told me she had requested info from him when he blogged on a political website….but he had forgot to delete the email out of trash and I saw it….It was innocent, but then why not say something to me about it…especially with all the suspicion…He said I was just up his “as*” all the time about everything…Funny, a year later I found out this woman lived in our town….coincidence…maybe, but this blog was a national site. I’ll probably never know the extent of all the affairs…maybe why he didn’t want counseling….Might bring the skeletons out of the closet. HAS ANYONE HAD A HUSBAND WITH MULTIPLE AFFAIRS? I can understand how hard it must be to “reveal” all the dark secrets to your poor wife…..but I felt I needed the truth…once and for all…BUT maybe it would have been too much for me…maybe he figured I couldn’t take it so might as well leave. I would have at least liked the chance….35 years later….Of course, he’s already with someone else:(…..And on top of everything else….HE was in this last year before he left…….telling me daily he could love no one but me….everyday those kinds of things….but telling other people in Alanon that he was separated for 3 years and couldn’t wait to finally get out of the marriage…..I guess if you’re looking for the next woman, can’t tell her you’ve been cheating and live with your wife…but hunting for the next one………………..IF NOTHING ELSE….I GOT SOME VENT TIME….but I should would like some help in healing!!!! It’s been so hard…especially it being such a shock he left..and that I’m sure he’s doing all the things we use to do together with this new one…..
Suziesuffers,
I know your hurting, and I am sure you have many many unanswered questions about everything that has happened, some of those questions you may never get
answers to, however overtime some of those questions won’t seem so important to you as you begin to heal more.
Suzie, now is the time to focus on your life, now that your divorce is final. This is the part where you transition of
being married into singleness, it does take time.
The first year is the hardest, however each passing month
your grief will start to ease.
Are there things that you have always wanted to do, but
because of being married you put those dreams aside,
now is the time to do those things, its never to late.
I did that, there were things that I put on hold due to raising
a family and being married, and I went out and did those
things. That also helped in giving me back my own identity,
along with giving my new opportunities.
Divorce need not be a means to a end, instead let it be a
means to a whole new beginning.
Also I want to caustion you, stop thinking about what your
exhusband is doing, do not torchure yourself that way,
remind yourself that your single now and whatever he does
your no longer married. Instead focus on your life and
doing things you want. Take Care of yourself.
i wish there had been a switch that went off went we signed the papers from marriage to divorced….some how the pain of what he is doing still feels like betrayal….BEING DIVORCED sucks….maybe it’s because he is enjoying being single and involved with this new woman….but that shouldn’t be new….he’s always enjoyed being with the new woman!! Makes me feel less than…why couldn’t I have held his attention…..Divorce feels like just an affair…the same pain of abandonment….. I wish it was as easy as just going on to do something else….I just feel sad most of the time….actually missing him if that could possibly make any sense!! Even if he is a narcissistic sociopath…there were times we seemed perfect for each other and it just doesn’t feel the same doing things without him….it doesn’t seem to have any joy…….BUT yet, he probably hasn’t even thought about me a day….because like an affair, he is preoccupied with the new woman and enjoying all the highs of that new relationship. 35 years is a long time…….
Suziesuffers,
It does take time to get over someone. After my divorce
I moved to another state, and it helped, I still had to grieve
my loss then, however by not being around him it makes
a hugh difference. Also when you don’t see that person
on a daily bases, you begin to emotionally disconnect from
them, in return this causes those feelings to die over a
period of time. Of course I do not suggest you move, but
I do suggest you stay away from him as much as possilbe
so your feelings for him with start to diminish. Your
pain stops after those feelings are gone.
Its only been a couple of months for you so be easy on yourself. It also helps if you have someone close to you
to listen, as your grieving. I had a sibling who divorced
3 months before I did and we talked hours at first over
the phone for the first few months, and after a period
of time we talked less and less about the divorce and
our conversations instead become about our daily lives then.
Suzie hang in there once you get over this grieving, and I know it feels like it takes a long long time, but you will,
and when you do a new life awaits you.
Your in the hardest and worst part of it now, so the good
news is it get better overtime.
Suzie suffers, I’m sorry you had to go through all this but this guy is clearly a sociopath. That is not normal behavior you described. Serial cheaters are usually excellent liars who know exactly what to ddy to keep you on the string. I know this is difficult to believe but it really is possible to get past this. my first boyfriend treated me like CRAP for years. One day I just suddenly thought “What in earth is it I think I see in this guy????” Any hold he had over me was immediately gone, and I never felt ANYTHING for him from that day forward. Good luck in seeing him for what he really is. it will change your life.
Thank you Gizfield. Maybe I need to hear this is normal affair type behavior. He is a liar and a con man….I wanted so desperately to trust him….but the small voice kept telling me something is wrong…over and over….everytime. I had gone with him to an addiction therapist for a year (he had infidelity (cuz he said there was no sex but he was pursuing her) just before he got sober…then right after his 1 year sober date..old high school friend…no even gf…once again he said no sex….then a year and 1/2 later…full blown affair with AA newcomer (each time he tells me he wants a divorce….then I find out it’s always a woman…) It’s really heartbreaking for me…although he seems happy to be done with me because I was so intrusive in his life snoping around…I did feel crazy sometimes. Snoped in his car a couple times. I guess there seemed to be enough weird things going on and there had been so many times I hadn’t caught him…..later to find out….that I was just always obsessed….So I definitely look like the crazy one in comparison to him….Thanks again for the comments…
OOPS…I mean….Maybe I need to hear that this is NOT normal affair behavior……and obviously not remorse…although he told me that he was being crucified by me for bring up his past and wanting to discuss it….over and over….BECAUSE I DID NOT BELIEVE WHAT HE HAD TOLD ME……….I GUESS I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE JUST NEVER REALLY DID….AND CERTAINLY WASN’T HONEST AND TRANSPARENT. He would ask me for forgiveness and I couldn’t do it because his interpretation of forgiveness was that I never brought up any of his past ever again. He said the only reason I couldn’t do that was because I loved to be a victim and live in the misery. His mom had told me the same thing…of course he was a religious fanatic…but was married 11 times by the time my husband was 17!!! Then 3 more times…twice to the guy she’s married to now….I feel alone….and sad. Even though his life was always out drinking and partying with his friends (always under the guise of self employment work)…womanizing no doubt too…and me with the 3 kids and a full time breadwinner job…I had already had my self esteemed diminished to nothing……but I’m the one alone and sad…..and once again he is out having a good time with the newest Alanon girl. He’s 62 ….Our kids are out of the house and it was finally going to be our time….He on SS…me working a bit to still have time now to finally go out and enjoy life……he needed a woman with more cash….and I should be grateful I’ve been released….problem was ….he was the person I did everything with….and I thought we really had a wonderful time over the last year getting reaquainted…even though it was splattered with daily discussions about the pain I was still in over the affair….BEGGING him to go to counseling….I need to understand what a sick man he really is…..but then why is he enjoying life so much with someone else….
my obsessing seemed to be pressing him for the details and information trying to understand…and pressing for the truth….always trying to force the truth. He said I was making him want to die…but yet he wouldn’t come clean with the truth or stop lying….doesn’t make sense…but I feel like even though they say it’s not my fault about the affair…that people have affairs because they are unhappy…sure they could have chosen another way to deal with it…but ultimately they are unhappy….which has always been the issue….He was unhappy being with me…either my physical….or personality…or something…he always saw that someone else was going to be better…even though my understanding some were 1 night stands….others were Ea or then the PA…all lasted about 3-4 months…then back to me….I guess I was the inbetween girl….it’s hard to never feel special…and then when he finally gives me the words I had longed for….love…cherish…no one is like you…you are my only love and the only one I ever loved…..is I find the actions are far from that ….and it was probably never the truth…just another let down…I’d been lied to….
my obsessing seemed to be pressing him for the details and information trying to understand…and pressing for the truth….always trying to force the truth. He said I was making him want to die…but yet he wouldn’t come clean with the truth or stop lying….doesn’t make sense…but I feel like even though they say it’s not my fault about the affair…that people have affairs because they are unhappy…sure they could have chosen another way to deal with it…but ultimately they are unhappy….which has always been the issue….He was unhappy being with me…either my physical….or personality…or something…he always saw that someone else was going to be better…even though my understanding some were 1 night stands….others were Ea or then the PA…all lasted about 3-4 months…then back to me….I guess I was the inbetween girl….it’s hard to never feel special…and then when he finally gives me the words I had longed for….love…cherish…no one is like you…you are my only love and the only one I ever loved…..is I find the actions are far from that ….and it was probably never the truth…just another let down…I’d been lied to….again…I definitely had the self esteem killer in my corner. My kids are very supportive of me, which helps alot…
Gizfield and Suziesuffers,
Both of you are pretty much in the same stages of grief,
and both of you can be a sounding board for each other.
Take Care both of you.
Thanks Linda. When I was reading this I wondered why it is a security blanket for you and then it hit me! For me anyway, it is a security blanket because with this horrible thing having happened in our lives, it has created an openness and closeness between my husband and I that we did not have before and for me, it scares me to think that he would ever go back and be like that again or that he would ever have this happen again. If it is just forgotten entirely, will he just go back? I am definitely no ways near where you are. My husband does not like to talk about this incident at all and is very guarded. I hope someday I can feel better about it. It is funny that this morning I woke up thinking about it and I felt like I just hated him, like he makes me sick, and there he was just innocently laying there all being loving to me now, etc. I just wanted to slap him across the face and say *&&&%$. Of course I don’t do those things, but I am definitely not over it by no stretch. Some day………..Thanks again. Terri
Doug & Linda, I am a music lover. This song is for you!
The first minute is pretty sad but it gets better AND BETTER. When I think of y’alls story, I have such high hopes for my own. I cant Thank You enough for this site.
Song: Beautiful Things by Gungor
The lyrics so simple yet so beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJ4yNYY1hHM
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new
You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)
You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of us
(You are making me new, making me new)
Oh, you make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Thanks Wake My Heart. Beautiful song and very nice lyrics.
I am sitting at the lawyers office right now. Hope this goes well. Of am so ready to end my affiliation with a liar ..if I can’t expect better treatment than that I would prefer to be alone. This can be HIS D day, as ya’ll call it. ironically, it was one year ago today I caught him texting his tramp after almost a year, of not catching him. I imagine he was doing it all along, I just didnt know.
Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of the start of my H’s EA with a married mom of 2 whom I had considered a friend. NC for 11 months. We are separated. He told me he is thinking about her a lot and that I probably don’t want to hear about it, but says I am his best friend and who else can he talk to. Angry me never wants to hear her name but reconciliation me wonders if I have to listen in order for him to process this so he can finally move on. He says he cant say goodbye to me but says he cant recapture his feelings for me from our beginning. He said she listened without judging or trying to fix things. Is this my opportunity to take the high road yet again while proving that my love for him is real and extremely patient and kind?
Should have added that my vengeful side wants to spend Oct 3 texting the two of them all day just a number for each text they sent each other after she asked “would you like to talk” Over 170 on 10/3 and over 1900 (she sent 30% more than he did) over the month they had the affair. Each text was like a nail through my heart, wonder if me sending the number would increase their awareness that they were out of control. Highly doubt it though ; ) Replaced by a fantasy and 20 years less important than a text from a very skilled game player whom he describes as innocent.
If he is telling you that he is thinking good things about her, I certainly would not want to hear it. doesn’t he have A brother our friend or therapist or something? I dont think it’s beneficial to ANY marriage listening to your spouse pining over any one but that’s just me…
Gizfield, I agree with you. It’s also disrespectful, like rubbing it in. Anyway, how did the consultation with the lawyer go? Hope it went well for you.
Gizfield….He’s separated from you and is telling you that he hasn’t had any contact with her for 11 months….but is still pinning for her. How do you know there hasn’t been any contact…separated or not, my husband was such a good liar. I’m not trying to make it worse,,,,,I can hardly deal with worse in my life. Has therapy been in your discussions? Of course, Linda/Doug….how does therapy help a “lost” betrayer stop pinning over the OP? Can you “make” someone stop lusting/loving them through logic? My husband certainly talked and talked about how he loved me…all the while lying to me and everyone else….40 years of practice make you quite good as a liar and con man…..AND to think I STILL miss this man!! But as I’ve read, men that leave suddenly have actually been detaching for months and have built up the determination to leave rather than work on the marriage…they are already in that mindset and usually have their eyes on another potential woman, if not already with her. My husband use to say that you don’t jump ship unless you see a raft going by. NICE..
Susie, I’m not talking about myself. My situation is that exactly one year ago today, I caught my husband contacting the same woman yet again. Told him if I ever caught him in contact again we are done. Guess what, caught his ass again in June and we are done. He didn’t pine over her, at least to me, said she was a crazy, pathetic, pill head drunk, but who cares??? She probably is. The point is that I spent THREE years BEGGING my damn HUSBAND to quit “talking” to a tramp behind my back. Begging time is now over. I no long er care what he does, they could be rolling around in the floor right this second in front of me, and I would just step over them and go on. No pining there. Saw a divorce attorney yesterday. I dont have to put up with that crap and neither does any one else.
Suzie suffers,
I know this has been hard on you and very painful.
Suzie, the only one who can answer the questions to all the
why’s is your former husband, and right now isn’t the time
to talk to him about this. He’s jumped from the frying pan
straight into the fire, and he hasn’t even got his own life
straighten out yet, much less be able to provide you with
answers to the questions you have.
I know that it seems unreal that he could just move ahead
and think nothing of it, and it might appear that way right
now, however someday when the novelity of this all wears off and it will, he will be left to his own thoughts.
It took my exhusband 2 years to call me and apologize,
it was after he was broken up from his affair partner for a whole year before he made that call.
Suzie, no matter how things appear right now someday
your exhusband will be left with his own thoughts, and
a apology might feel good to him.
Suzie take care.
Suzie suffers,
I need to finish my last sentence, I meant to write and a
apology might feel good for him to make.
Suzie I know this hurts but if your exhusband really wanted to stay married wild horses couldn’t make him leave if
he didn’t want to. I know that stings and I am sorry, but
the sooner you start grasping for a new beginning for yourself, your life will improve.
Suzie suffers,
I know it seems like life is unfair when all your life dreams are changed and the person you loved left.
The beautiful thing is that God made us as individuals also
and we can survive when other person is no longer there,
yes we grieve the loss wheather it be divorce or death, and
we are sad for a certain period of time, but then something in us kicks in and the need to survive overcomes that saddness where we want happiness again.
Being single can be just a fulfilling as being married, however your own happiness does not come from another person, it has to come from with in yourself, no one can
make you happy but you. Also changing your thought process is so very important, instead of seeing the glass 1/2 empty, look at it as 1/2 full, or when life gives you lemons make lemon pie.
We can choose to be miserable or we can choose to be
happy, we make that choice for ourselves, we have the
ability to stop wrong thoughts and replace them with good
thoughts that will elavate your mood.
I know this takes time, but learning these little things will
help you as you recover, also you have to want to get over this also. My best to you.
Suzie suffers, I can feel your agony and it is heart breaking. My husband cheated with one woman but I am always asking questions about where they went and what they did. He is also an accomplished liar, so I don’t know what to believe but I ask anyway. He is full of remorse and saying and doing all the right things, but still I feel angry. Their affair lasted nearly two years and if I think back, all the signs were there. I never suspected because she was his co-worker and I had met her several times and we got on well together. So it was a double betrayal and I feel very bitter about it. I am staying in the marriage because of my two children, otherwise I would have been long gone. I don’t know if I still love him, especially as sometimes I don’t particuarly like him very much. But I am pretending to be fine for the sake of our families who do not know about it, apart from one family member. I am sure that if I was to meet someone else it would free my mind and relieve me of the pain, but I would never do what he did as I find the lies and sneaking around so sleazy. So in the meantime I will ask him the questions that I desperately need the answers to, because he caused all this and answering them is the least he can do. So Suzie, if I was in your situation I would try to get a hobby or an interest to distract me (thank God for my job), and if you meet a special person in the process then that is a bonus.
Today is the first anniversary of my D-day.This is MY story… My husband and I have been incredibly happily married for 10 years (together 11). Seriously, never a problem. Lots of fun times and a wonderful life together. Then a woman from his past moved 3 blocks away from us. She’d had a hard life and had just lost her husband to cancer. She herself was recovering from anal cancer and had to endure a colostomy bag. She was on disability, taking care of her sick elderly mother, raising her nieces 2 preteen kids and was extremely obese (over 300 lbs). My husband admitted that they had fooled around she they were both in their teens, but he’d been a horrible alcoholic and never remembered having sex with her…only waking up next to her on a few occasions. I watched her walk past our house for nearly a year, ignoring my husbands suggestion to go walking with her for health purposes. I am thin, but needed to move more as heart disease runs in my family. When I did give in, my husband made a track in our pasture so that she and I could avoid traffic and walk safely. She came to walk with me daily for over a year. Shortly after she began frequenting our home, my husband began complaining of fatigue and back pain. This caused a considerable decline in our sexual relationship. Since he is in his 50′s and had a previous back injury, I I didn’t think too much of it. Then, about a year later, he began finding fault with me and became argumentative. I asked why he was acting so different, but he had no answer. Well, one morning he asked me to teach him how to forward a YouTube video to his brother’s messages and BAM! I found a text between her and him. It said enough that I printed out the latest phone record. Just that month alone, there were 1997 texts! I looked back in the records and discovered a 15 month long affair with over 43,000 texts, 2,000 phone calls and 80 pictures! I was devastated. I heard the “We’re just friends” line from BOTH of them, but I found out otherwise. Seems this is the same woman he committed adultery with while he was married to his first wife 37 years ago. He also had sex with her behind several of his girlfriends backs. My husband has been sober for 25 years! He did this SOBER! They BOTH swear there was no sex this time because of me! However, he begged her for it constantly and asked her to come to the house when I wasn’t home. This sober man sent her pictures of his penis!! She has told me that she loves him, but he says he’s never loved her and loves me. As far as I can tell, they stopped contact one year ago, today, the day after they got caught. My world has been shattered. They told me it was just a game. He says he only wanted her to THINK he wanted her. Says he felt sorry for her. Then he tells me, when he brought up the subject of having an affairs, she said “NO”, which pissed him off and made him try even harder to get her to say yes. I think it’s a bunch of bullshit! He says he can’t remember most of it and cannot come up with any reason why he did it. Yes, he started the whole thing. He can only say he just wanted to mess with her head. I do not understand! She told him, if he had been sober back then, they’d still be together. He told her he HAD to have her…told her he wanted to kiss her. We live in a very small town and if you asked anyone who he’d ever mess around on me with…they ALL say her! What does this mean? He’s free to go, but he says he doesn’t want her and nothing they did was important to him. What? They never missed one day of communication in those 15 months. Every morning he texted her, “Good morning Sweetheart” and every night, “Goodnight, babe, sweet dreams”. He texted her while he and I were out on dates! He began to feel out his family by mentioning her to them. I think she meant something to him and still does! I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this! His own family says if I kick him out, he’ll be with her in a week! There’s something wring with a man that would go be with the one he really loves, something he denies. I think he’s using me! This sucks!
*wouldn’t* go be with the one he really loves.
Thank you so much for posting this. You popped up right when I needed you to. I was expecting to read about someone else going through their first anniversary (to see if my feelings were normal) and when I read your first line my heart lightened tenfold. I literally teared up and whispered thank you (no clue to who lol)….Thank you, thank you, thank you. I pray I can follow your path of recovery bc I don’t think I can stand to feel this weight forever.