Good Wednesday to everyone!

Over the last couple of years of doing this blog, what has become very evident is that when people suffer from infidelity, every situation is so different, but somehow yet the same.

Most of us never in our wildest imagination would have ever thought that our spouses would have cheated on us.  We thought that when we said our vows that it was an iron-clad promise to be true to one another until death.

Perhaps as a couple you may have even discussed at some point what you would do if either of you cheated on the other.  Maybe you said it was a deal breaker and divorce would be the only option.  If you never discussed it openly, maybe you had the notion in your mind that if your spouse ever cheated on you, you would be out the door.

Eventually the unspeakable happened and now you find yourself a victim of your spouse’s affair.

I venture to guess that when we first (or ever) thought about this possibility we didn’t consider every single circumstance of staying together versus divorce or separation.  And let’s face it, there are a lot of issues that need to be considered.

Infidelity rocks us to the core and we are in so much shock at first that it’s hard to gather all of our emotions so that we can logically evaluate what we should do.

Today our discussion will center on the predicament that you are now (or were) faced with…

What was your position on cheating within your marriage prior to the affair versus the reality of what you actually did once you discovered the affair?

That is…

Prior to the affair, did you maintain the stance that your marriage would end if there was infidelity?  What actually happened and why?

Or, did you maintain all along that if your spouse ever cheated, you would stay with him/her and try to work through things?  What actually happened and why?

Please remember to respond to one another in the comment section below.

See also  Open 'Mic' Discussion #27


Linda & Doug


    67 replies to "Discussion – Your Position on Infidelity Versus Reality"

    • ocanas

      Mine was clear (at least back then) – do it once and I am out. And in fact that was my first thought on D-day, cancelled a business meeting and went to the airport to fly back and kick her our of the house – I even called my parents telling them I was finishing my marriage. My flight got cancelled, and that gave me a full night to think – and time to crack a couple of Internet passwords to read ALL communication between them – and at some point that sleepless night made me think that she was worth fighting for and that I was not going to go down and give her up to the OM without fighting. Yesterday was the 1 yr anniversary of D-day – and there is still a long way to go.


    • Healing Mark

      Prior to the affair, did you maintain the stance that your marriage would end if there was infidelity? Yes, my wife and I both discussed this several times, if not many times, before and after we were married, including during church-required pre-marital counseling. But what we had in mind each time was a PA, and neither of us had ever heard of, much less could conceive of, emotional affairs.

      What happened and why? Knee-jerk reactions almost immediately after EA discovey led to preparations for divorce and statements that my wife’s actions and lies had caused the end of the marriage. A session with our marriage counselor (we had stopped seeing her about 6 months earlier, several months after my wife ended her EA, committed 100% to our relationship and began marriage counseling) on D-day helped me begin to think more rationally and led to several important decisions being made, the 2 most important being the following: (1) for many reasons, not the least of which were our children and how we wanted to re-enter the singles world, if in fact that were to happen, my wife and I decided that we would not divorce unless and until one or both of us could state without reservation that we had done everything we could reasonably do to try to get past the EA and establish a new and improved relationship; and (2) we each identified things that we agreed would be deal-killers and would trump agreement #1 above, mine being the occurrence of another EA (any PA was always going to be a deal-breaker, or so I thought, but post-EA discovery it absolutely became a deal-breaker) and any continued contact with the AP, and hers being my inability to once again sufficiently trust her and to genuinely forgive her for her past mistakes related to the EA and its damaging effects on our relationship.

      Though it took longer that either of us would have liked, and the process of getting to genuine forgiveness was difficult and filled with many angry and painful moments, we finally got to where we needed to be and now have a new and somewhat different relationship which we both find much healthier and happier than the one we had immediately prior to the EA, and certainly during the EA. Why did this happen? Besides the fact that we really do like and love each other a lot, love our children and want the very best for them, including happily married parents living under the same roof as them, and prefer a happy marriage together over divorce, some factors/reasons appear to be the following:

      – At the time of discovery, the EA had been ended for about 6 months and my W and her AP were then having very limited contact with each other, and the “fog” had clearly lifted and my W was interracting with the AP at that time in a way that was not threatening/damaging to our relationship.
      – Based on some luckily still available objective evidence as well as assessing both the AP’s and W’s emphatic denials that sex was not a part of the equation, I was with enough certainty for me able to conclude that all that was to be forgiven were lies, other deceiptful actions/inactions, and the other negative aspects of an EA.
      – Ultimately, no contact between the AP and W became the understood result of EA discovery, and the prospects of running into the AP and his family became very unlikely as he and his family moved about 20 miles away shortly after EA discovery.
      – While not 100% sorry for all that she had done, my W was remorseful and willing to do within reason whatever we felt needed to be done to save our relationship. Most importantly, she is 100% on board with the fact that EA’s, and even relationships that border on becoming EA’s, are not only damaging for relationships, but the existence of either will almost certainly result in the end of our marriage and then all will know not only that my W initially made the mistake of having an EA with her first AP, but that she failed a second time with full knowledge of the consequences of the same.
      – The occurrence of the EA opened our eyes to ways that my W and I were not intereacting in ways that when we do, further strengthen our feelings for each other and our happiness together, and in our post-EA marriage we now intereact as such and the results are fantastic.
      – Finally, while my W did develop some fairly strong feelings for her AP, she recognized them as more infatuation than “true love” and clearly chose me over him as she ended the EA well before its actual discovery, which as painful as that was and still sometimes is, I feel now that discovery was better for us as had I not discovered it, I would still have had the nagging doubts about whether my gut had been right or not and these might have ultimately caused our marriage to fail notwithstanding efforts to improve it. Wish that had not been the case, but it is what it is.

      • Teresa

        HM….I’m stated that your W is not 100% sorry for the EA…and you’re OK with that? Also, did she say why she’s not sorry?
        I find it a rather amazing statement on her part…all the pain and hurt she has caused you, and your children, if they were aware of the tension in your home…and she’s ok with that…Even though it HAS improved your marriage like you say….there were other ways she could have chosen to bring about a better relationship, not bring another man into the picture.
        I guess I’m curious what YOU think about her not being 100% sorry….I know if my H told me that I’d be VERY hurt by it!
        Not wanting to be judgemental here..just curious… 🙂

        • chiffchaff

          Teresa – my H is also not entirely remorseful or sorry for what he did. It does hurt. He’s still going through counselling and I think that’s helping him work out some things.

          • Teresa

            That has to be so hurtful for you chiffchaff…I clearly remember a few months after DDay, when my H was telling me he was sorry, but his actions told otherwise….The pain was awful…Hoping your H finally realizes how badly he has hurt you and decides to show you true remorse..(( HUGS))

        • Jackie

          My H was not, and am not sure is still not, 100% sorry either. I wish he were, but at the same time understand why he is not. The feelings for the AP are so euphoric and made him feel so good, when what he was feeling at the time was depressed, and in the midst of a mid life crisis. H needed to explore this fantastic feeling, thinking he deserved some happiness in his state of unhappiness.

          We all deserve happiness. But happiness comes from within. H chose to blame me, his marriage, and his circumstance for all his unhappiness, and the AP (whom I don’t believe he really got to know on a deep level), for all that made him feel good at the time. H was in great denial that he was and had a problem, but chose to blame everyone around him instead.

          Now after three years, H seems more humbled, but still I find would like to just bury the past, likely due to shame, rather than talk about it. He just doesn’t want to go there. Although I know we will eventually address it in slow small loving steps.

        • Greg

          My wife has flat out stated that she is not completely sorry for having her affair. It hurt in the begining but as time went on I was able to see why she didn’t feel so bad about it. I wasn’t the best of husbands for quite a few years and she had had enough of it. I wasn’t doing what I should do and it was hurtful to her to the point that she became disconnected from me. If it hadn’t been this guy it would have been another, at least with him he was so not her type that that it never progressed to a PA. So, yes, for me I am ok with her not being completely sorry for it as the outcome at this point is looking much better for both of us. I guess I might have a different opinion if we weren’t doing so much better now but thankfully I don’t have to worry about that.

          • Anita

            Have you and your wife dicussed how she would handle
            things differently in the future should your marraige hit
            more bumps in the road. An affair is never a way to fix
            problems within a marriage, and its sad she doesn’t
            take responsibility and admit that she had other options.
            How did she think her affair would fix those existings
            problems, and not be 100% sorry for betraying your
            marriage. It doesn’t matter if you were not the perfect
            husband, there are others ways for her to get your
            attention. Greg forgive her, maybe someday her eyes
            will be opened and she will regret what she did.

            • Greg

              Yes we have, the main difference would be talking to each other. Our biggest problem was that we couldn’t talk about things without arguing and fighting about them. Now that we know how to talk to each other and not bring things up in ways the trigger fights it wouldn’t be a problem. She realizes that the affair was not the way to handle the situation it was more born from the need to escape to a better place and he offered that. It wasn’t that she thought the affair would fix the marriage it was that she had given up the marriage, if the affair hadn’t been outed we probably would have been divorced by now. It wasn’t that I wasn’t a perfect husband, I was a down right poor one for quite a while. I’m pretty certain I had my mid-life crisses a decade early. And don’t worry I have already forgiven her and she does regret doing it, she just not 100% sorry for it, and honestly I think I agree with her on that as it was what I needed to get me to really look at where we were and why.

            • Anita

              I wish you both the very best!

    • Jim

      I always thought our marriage was strong so we never discussed the possibility. When I discovered my W’s EA, I was more hurt than wanting to leave. It was only after I had some time to digest it that leaving became a possibility. D-Day 2 was a month later and I still thought we could overcome it. D-Day 3 I thought I was done and asked for a divorce. D-Day 4 and I started to pack. But in each case, I do see the woman I fell in love with. She makes me very angry by doing this but I do love her. And if D-Day5 comes, she knows that it will be over. I have told her. I will still love her but there is only so much you can take before you say enough.

      Did my thoughts change? No and Yes.

      No – I was in this for the long haul before. To stay through 4 d-days, I think I still am.

      Yes- I now think it is possible that we will not be together until we die. This was not even a thought before. Sometimes I can’t even think about being with her next week or tomorrow.

      What I decide are base on her actions.

    • Notoverit

      I always told my H that infidelity was a deal breaker – I would leave. But, in the shock and horror of finding out about his EA, I found I didn’t have the strength to leave. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball. My friends, who are divorced, kept telling me to give it time and cool off then think about what I wanted. So I did nothing for a while. I didn’t stay because I wanted to work on us, not at first. I stayed because I was floundering and didn’t know what to do. I had become such a doormat that I had no self-confidence at the time. Then the anger set in and I refused to let the OW destroy my life. The decision to work on us came much later. Now that I have learned more about myself I think I would leave if it ever happened again – definitely a deal breaker because I will never go through this mess again.

    • Patsy50

      I have always been a “black or white” person. There was never a gray area, so when my husband told me about his EA, I immediately told him it was divorce time and I left for two nights and that gave me time to clear my head alittle.
      I think the one thing that made me stay and work on the relationship, was that he said he had always loved me all these years and still did even now and I felt the same. So we agreed to work on areas within our marriage that needed some fixing. It’s been 17 months since D-day.

    • E

      I also said cheating was a dealbreaker, but I think I stayed because I truly felt my husband was sick in a way, and I loved him. Maybe that was denial on my part, I don’t know. I also knew that if my marriage ended, I needed to at least try to save it so that I would not look back and have any regrets or ask myself what if.

      “Now that I have learned more about myself I think I would leave if it ever happened again – definitely a deal breaker because I will never go through this mess again.” – Notoverit

      I could not have said that better, I agree 100%!

      • Jackie

        I agree totally with your comment.

    • our journey

      My husband and I have always said that an affair would be the end of our marriage. He really considered what he was doing as not being unfaithful because it was not physical. Why did I stay? Because … That person who was unfaithful really wasn’t my husband! He is really working hard to find out how he got to “who he had become and where he was.” We are working with a MC. This is our 4th counselor, but feel we have found the one who will be the most help for us. We do a lot of reading! My H will even read this site with me. It has really helped him to understand how I feel. It has also given us both hope that we will make it on this journey. Our old marriage did end. We are building/growing a new one! We are almost 14 months out from D Day.

      • Rachel

        Our Journey,
        My H is still sticking by his story after 6 months that he didn’t consider it an affair because it wasn’t physical.
        He was just catching up with an ex girlfriend from 30 years ago, he just turned 50 and he was miserable. They texted and emailed and went to lunch 4 times all over the state.
        My problem is the hurtful words on d-day and continueing. I know he was deep in the fog but after 6 months??
        His latest is that I was never in love with him when we married. This is totally untrue. I obviously loved him from the verbal abuse that I put up with for 24 years and now with this mess, things haven’t changed. I am questioning my love now though. I’m somewhat numb.
        His latest is he’s done and he wants to stay in the house and pay me off. This came about one Friday night when I wanted to do something with him (dinner, drinks, movie) and he said all that he could give me was 40 minutes. This to me is not working on our marriage.

        • our journey

          Rachel, I’m sorry your husband is still denying his EA after 6 months. Mine denied it at first, but he was willing to read the information I had found. He then admitted that he had been having an EA. Reading this site with me, and books, has helped him to understand my feelings.

          It has not been all smooth sailing. There have been times I questioned my love for him too and whether I wanted to keep trying to heal and rebuild our marriage.

          I have read a good book on emotional abuse which you are dealing with in your husbands treatment of you. The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick. It is written from a Christian perspective. She has a website if you google her name you should find it.

          I agree that he does not appear to be working on your marriage.

          Are you working on yourself? Are you seeing a counselor? You need to get yourself strong! 🙂

          • Rachel

            Our journey,
            Thank you for the book recommendation. I will look it up.
            Yes, I am working on myself and I am seeing my third counselor.
            I feel stronger then I have ever felt. I’m just completely sick of his games.
            He’s now denying things that he has said on d- day. Our 15 year old was there when he made ridiculous comments about he and the ow are leaving there families to be together. Everything he has said in the past he’s now saying that he didn’t mean it?
            So I’m guessing his statement on mothers day that he is done and is filing for divorce, will just be added to his list. I just get so confused. I have no idea what he truly means and what he’s going to take back in two weeks.

            • Jackie

              For at least 3 months after D day, most of the things H said were irrational. That is saying one thing one moment, and the next minute saying the complete opposite. He made no sense.

              When you think of it affairs make no sense. Again, think of his affair as an addiction. He is rationalizing why he is keeping his high on his love drug. I know it is easier to understand an alcoholic or drug addicts love for his drug. This is the same. Your H is in love with his “in love” feeling towards OP. The reason why this is harder to take is because it hits on you directly and the foundation of your marriage. If it were an alcohol addiction, you would not feel such a personal attack on you. But the effects would be just as devastating.

              H is badly rationalizing why he is staying with his bottle (OW). He is still wants his bottle, drug, but knows it is causing problems in his life….but it feels soooooo good when he is high on it.

              The confusion is that H thinks this is real LOVE! When it is in fact infatuation, or the high of the “in love” feeling. It doesn’t last!

              H is very confused right now, and so doesn’t make much sense!

            • Linda

              Rachel, you also have to remember that the OW does not care how much money your husband makes, how helpful he is around the house, how he deals with his children, relatives, friends, etc. how much he drinks, smokes, watches TV, stares at the computer. All of these actions do not affect her one bit.

              Unfortunately when you are in a real life situations and have responsibilities how much our spouses do and don’t do really have an impact on our moods and reactions. Sometimes we aren’t as loveable, affectioniate and validating as we should be.

              As it has been said over and over, they only experience their AP in a controlled situation. They only see them they way they want to. They have to put on a good face or the affair wouldn’t be worth it.

              Last weekend, Doug and I ran into a man who had an affair, his wife ended the marriage, and he ended up marrying his AP. The man obviously is still very much in his selfish stage. He complained how his wife didn’t like his drinking and partying, (they have two young kids), so he found someone else. Ironically his choice was a older woman who tended bar, she was fine with his lifestyle, she doesn’t complain about his drinking. He spends most of his evenings sitting at her bar. Is this man better off? Is he being the best husband and father he can be?

            • Anita

              Its sad when this man chooses the bar over is own children, there are so many things he could do with his
              children verses sitting in the bar.
              Of course he chooses the other woman, she lets him do
              what he wants, even if its self destructive. Where his
              wife more than likely wants him to be the best he can be.
              Its sad, but until he hits his rock bottom, and decides he
              can do better, he will miss many opportunites to have a
              better life.
              When he gets to the end of his life, and looks back at his
              life, he will only have himself to blame, his memories
              will be sitting in a bar drinking, verses building relationships with his children.

            • Anita

              I meant to say exwife wants him to be the best he can be.

        • Greg

          Call his bluff! If he says he wants to buy you out found out how much the house is worth, Zillow is a good starting point, and write up a legally binding contract that says he will buy you out at current market value within a one month time frame. See what happens when you do this, from his previous flip-flopping I’m sure he won’t want to. Then you can hit him with the fact that you need him to work on the marriage with you to fix it. If he does take you up on the buyout then you know that he is done and is not willing to work on the marriage. This will at least free you from having to stress over how to fix it and you can then move forward with how to move on.

          • Rachel

            He texted me last night and now is saying he can’t afford to buy me out. This is almost comical now. I told him that we will sell the house and split it. Of course no comment because his crazy therapist told him that he doesn’t have to answer any of my text messages.
            Well, last night was my first appointment with my third therapist. My first one wasn’t a good fit for me my second one was great but local and I work at a school and I saw too many familiar faces. This one I like. I can’t help but laugh but all three therapist said that my husband is narcissistic .
            I find it funny too when I mentioned couples counseling he said ” I don’t know how I’ll fit it in my busy schedule”?
            Had plenty of time to lunch with that beast and he golfs everyday after work. ?? It’s starting to hit me, why am do I bother? I guess I’m a slow learner.

            • Greg

              No Rachel, you’re not a slow learner you are in love. People do and put up with things the normally wouldn’t when they are in love. The fog that everyone speaks about during an affair isn’t just for the CS it is also for the BS. A great line from Maya Angelou that I heard on Oprah one day was, ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.’ We as BS don’t do that. Even when our spouses show us that they are cheaters and are willing to do things to hurt us we don’t just stand up and walk away, we stay and try to change them. This almost never works. I’m not saying that they can’t change, I’m saying we can’t change them! They have to want to change themselves, if they are not willing to change nothing we do will change them. Once I was faced with losing everything I loved after discovering my wife’s affair I took a long hard look at myself and discovered that I didn’t like what I saw and that they were thing I wanted to change, and I did. This same introspection and change is happening in my wife but it is taking longer, I think more so just due to the differences in how men and women approach things. Guys tend to be doers while women tend to be thinkers. My favorite analogy is in shopping, guys go out to buy something, women go out to look and shop and see what there is. Yes I know it is a bit of profiling but it is also mostluyy accurate.
              OK I think I’ve gotten far enough off topic for now. Call his bluff on all this BS and he will either get his head out of his ass or you will get him out of your life, either one is better than what is going on right now.

            • Anita

              Your not a slower learner, you value your marriage and
              and have gone through great lenghts to show your husband how much your marraige is important to you.
              That is called selflessness, a wonderful qualtity to have.

              Its the total opposite of narcissistic (selfish) behavior,
              which is destructive, and sows discord.
              You value your marriage and spend time trying to make
              ammends, Your husband values are self importance,
              therefore spends his time doing what he pleases.
              Pray for him and put him in Gods hands. This is a
              problem within himself, and as much as you want to help
              him he needs to help himself, he is unable to give to
              your relationship because he is centered in his own
              universe of its all about me, which doesn’t leave room
              to give to others. So narcissistic (selfishness) do not
              go hand in hand with humble selfless people. There
              opposite of each other and therefore there is little
              common ground.
              Rachel your a wonderful lady who gives until it hurts,
              God has a special reward for you in heaven.

            • Anita

              In my own past, my exhusband commited adultery and our marriage ended.
              This was a life changing experience for me, I had to learn
              how to forgive. I have grown since my own divorce.
              I had to learn how to put God in the center of my own life,
              and follow his word. By doing that my life has improved
              and for the first time in my life I feel true joy, happiness, and
              love. When trials (life storms) comes my way, I have learned to trust God to take care of me, by doing that I no
              longer feel stress nor anxiety. Forgiving has allowed me
              to let go of my anger, and I now can feel compassion.
              God gives us wings of Eagles to fly above the storms,
              where the (Son) Jesus shines on us, and we do not
              have to fly into the storms of life.
              The meek shall inherit the earth, notice I said Meek, not
              weak, big difference. We are not weak when we follow
              God’s word, it helps to make us meak. This is the
              opposite of narcissic (selfish) behavior. Therefore
              Love can flow through you onto others.

            • Anita

              I remember how I felt when my exhusband was involved
              with his affair partner. If you could imagine a marriage being a room (if you will) that you and your husband designed and built. You both worked so hard to make it
              a beautiful room. Then one day he looks out the window
              and see’s another woman, who offers a complete different
              style, being tempted he decides to chase after the new
              different style, but he forgets it comes with a life changing
              price tag. So he invites the woman into the room (marraige), now the other woman kicks holes into your
              beautiful walls and he begins to help her. You find out
              and immediatly begin to repair the damage. However
              their on the otherside now putting more new holes, and
              she’s adding new pictures while tearing yours down.
              Sometimes he’s able to asks her to leave, and she does
              however now she has the key and comes and goes.
              Unless he puts new locks on the door, and helps repair
              the damage that was done, the room(marriage) will remain
              in shambles, and your the only one doing the work. If he
              doesn’t become interested in repairing, he will lookout
              the window again for someone new offering a new style.
              So unless he’s happy with the style you both built, he
              will look for another one. Its up to him to become content
              and help change the room (marriage) into something you
              both can agree on.
              In my situation after trying to chase the other woman out
              of the room, my exhusband would open a window, so all
              my new locks were worthless. Findly one day I told him
              to straighten up and put this other woman out of our lives
              once and for all, or he could get out. He left and returned
              with divorces papers, I signed them and I walked out the
              door into a new life. Now I built myself a new beautiful
              room, with my children and grandchildren pictures, along
              with other exciting things.
              I get along with my exe, but I will never build a room with
              him again. I like new room (life.)

    • SamIam

      My H knew that cheating was the make it or break it deal before the wedding….. but then I had never even thought of an EA. One other thing I never thought of before the wedding was children….. I was pretty sure I was not the mother-type. Oddly those two never-thought-of things converged. The EA disrupted the marriage and the children were the reason I stayed. But barely.
      A friend came to my rescue early and told me there was no way I should leave the marriage until I tried everything to save it. Painful but great advice.
      I still think a separation (of maybe a month) may have been good. Just a bit of room to breathe. I told him I would leave if he ever….. but I didn’t…. so now I live with that weakness.
      Do I see us being together ’til death? Yes~ with out a doubt. Is is going to be easy? No, not at all. But it will be worth it.

    • Sonia

      Oh did I thought that after one infidelaty, my marriage whould be done. But it was far from the truth. After two months of finding the last one, I just found out another one. This one was emotional, phisical. To the extend of him proposing to her and signing a lease with her. To what he drop out a few days after he sign it. But yet I am still here, don’t know why, or how. I am trying to figure out why I’m still here. I love him with all my heart, and I am trying to grab to that.

    • Teresa

      This is my H’s second EA….he had an EA 24 yrs ago while overseas, in the military. I found out about the EA about 5 mos after he came home…the OW sent him a letter telling him she missed him and wanting to know how he was doing.
      At the time We had a 2 yr old and another on the way…so I buried what happened, and suffered for it 2 yrs later with severe panic attacks and depression….I ended up in counseling..NOT my H, because at the time who had heard of an EA? I thought there was something wrong with ME so I went from Dr to Dr trying to find out what was causing the insomnia, panic attacks, pain in the stomach, etc…When the Dr could find nothing, he suggested a Psychiatrist…and some lovely meds for my anxiety!
      After the first EA, that I didn’t even realize WAS an EA until I found this site, in April 2011, I had told my H that I wouldn’t ever go through this again…yet here I am dealing with another EA, And still dealing with the pain and anger, 17 mos out from DDay.
      There are 5 reasons that I have stayed…my four children and my faith in God!
      I’m still angry with my H for what he has done…AGAIN!
      I have forgiven him, but I’m still really angry, especially after seeing 4 of our friends divorce because of infidelity…and me telling my H that if he EVER got THAT unhappy to please think of our children, put them first, come to me and let’s work on whatever the problems are, but let’s not put our children though a divorce!
      Of course, since I’m here writing this, that means he didn’t
      listen, in his selfishness he decided that the cow he had the EA with would make him happier, for awhile!
      And I’ve decided that I do love my H (wasn’t real sure after DDay) and we have to make this work, for our children….and the life we had built together,prior to the EA, was a pretty good one so I feel it’s worth fighting for!
      My H is in counseling, and we are moving forward…it’s a slow painful process, but I have faith that we WILL come through
      this, and it will be better on the other side!

      I have found that I love my children very much and

    • Teresa

      Opps…didn’t finish that last part… I find that I love my children very much…but I love my H even more!
      He’s a good man, that suffered emotional abuse as a child, and we are just now learning how much that affects who he is today…and I can find it in my heart to feel sorry for him, the poor little boy who ran away from home to try to escape his alchoholic father…which is weird considering that I’m still so angry at him…but even that’s not everyday…just on the bad trigger days : /

    • chiffchaff

      Prior to my H’s affair I truly thought he wasn’t the type of person to do such a thing and felt safe, which seems stupid with hindsight. I had had mild infatuations with men I’d met at work, but always distantly and I don’t think they knew. The reality was that we were gradually sliding into friendship and away from loving attachment. Neither of us were the arguing type so we both had built up years of small resentments. My H was also brought up in an evangelical christian family where sex is a dirty word and you certainly don’t discuss it, even with your wife. It meant we couldn’t discuss our needs, in general or specific ways.
      When I discovered the PA/EA I had no idea I was the staying and fighting type. I think this was because I fell straight into blaming myself for how it happened (with help from my H in that regard who blamed me for what he’d been vulnerable to) and thought if I only changed then he’d be happy. In some ways that’s true, I have changed and he is happier, but I haven’t changed to please him, not more recently anyways.
      The reality of now is that I know the damage that affairs cause for both sides. My H has been living an exhausting lie for a long time and I am hoping he’s learning better ways to deal with his problems than escape into fantasy. I know now that if my H went forward with another EA or PA that would be it, there could be no recovery from that a second time as there was just no way he could claim to have reasons other than he wanted out. I wouldn’t have an affair and I believe that if I became attracted to someone else I would consider that something was wrong in my marriage and I should address that first, or leave, before going any further.
      Affairs make BSs walk the rest of their lives with their eyes firmly open in their relationships, it’s quite tiring at times.

      • Recovering

        It is absolutely EXHAUSTING to be a BS!! I totally agree with you ChiffChaff!! Everything in my life seems to be related to the affair in some way! Even our past before the affair almost seems tainted, and now movies, songs, places we wanted to go… all tainted because they have cheating in them, or are undying love songs and stories, or she told my husband about going to such and such and how great it was… blah blah blah… I can’t even ride in my husband’s care that he LOVES comfortably because I know her whore butt has sat in his car!! She probably went on and on about how GREAT it is, when to me all it represents is how selfish he was for buying it despite it being WAY over the budget WE set for his new car, totally disregarding what I thought. Id never even seen the car ’til we signed the papers for it! Since I already suspected the affair I said “better make sure we put my name on it too, just in case you do anything stupid”, to which he gave me a look, and now doesn’t remember me saying at all. We started a new activity together, which we still do today, a week before their meeting at a hotel for the first time. Not always, but frequently when we are doing this activity together I feel rage because then I was just trying to reconnect with him, and we had so much fun… and every now and then I think of how I was trying, and how then it made no difference…. I wonder sometimes if he texted her some of the cute things he texts me now that he is back in the ‘love’ mode with me… EYES WIDE OPEN – all day, all night… it never goes away… It IS exhausting…

    • Holding On

      I had no stance. I really didn’t give infidelity in my marriage any thought. My husband wasn’t like that. We would never cheat or be unfaithful or have a secret relationships. Or so I thought. Affairs were something that happened to other people. I thought cheaters were horrible, cruel people who didn’t care for their family, spouses, children, or themselves. We were religious, church attending people. Our moral standards were just too high that this would never be something I had to worry about or deal with. I felt completely safe and secure and full of trust. We loved each other and when you love each other, you don’t hurt your spouse in that way.

      So that was my stupid expectation, belief, and assumption about my marriage and my husband and me. So stupid. My husband had an EA. I was floored. I believe the beliefs I carried around have made recovery so difficult. I hated him. Not only hated his actions but hated my husband for being someone I didn’t even believe he could be. My whole expectation of marriage was disturbed so I don’t even know what to expect for my life. It’s been 11 months since D-Day and I am still struggling to ACCEPT. Just accept that this happened, it is my history, and move forward.

      Soon after D-Day I figured I would forgive quickly, because of my faith and how we are commanded to forgive. This is another struggle. I haven’t forgiven totally yet. I am close, but not there yet. I’ve wondered if I can stay, and it seems so silly to wonder about staying, to break up a family when it was “Only phone calls, texts, pics, chats, emails.” But that only caused so much loss that takes a long time to rebuild and we will never be the same. He is amazed that what he did could end our marriage. He held back. He didn’t have anything physical. He didn’t love her. But the things he DID do changed everything about us.

      So now I know that cheaters are not the scum of the earth. I have more compassion. I know that we all can do things we or others thought we would never do. We are all capable of the worst stuff. I’ve shown that in myself after D-Day. For someone who would never cheat, I have thought of it as revenge, as escape, as showing him my pain. I’d still never do it, but now I’ve entertained those thoughts. I’ve been mean and cruel and so angry and so sad. I’ve changed into someone I don’t recognize, just like my husband became someone I wouldn’t know.

      So we are capable of the worst, but we are also capable of the best. My husband is, and so am I. And so is our marriage. We’ve seen bad times and I’m hoping for lots of good, better, and best times in our future.

      • rollercoasterrider

        Holding On, your story is very much like mine although at this stage of life, after 40+ years of relationship and 35 years married, we have been through much more than an EA. Which doesn’t minimize the pain or (sorry, have to use the word) plain old sinfulness of an emotional affair. Because the bottom line is, whether your CS or any CS wants to acknowledge it, becoming involved with another person while married is adultery (and didn’t Jesus say that even looking at a woman with lust is akin to actually putting feet to the desire and is considered to be the same sin?). Of course, he also said that our anger is on the same order as murder. Am I guilty? You betcha.

        So, given the fact that in those 40 plus years of OUR history, both of us have been unfaithful, what are the consequences maritally speaking? In the past, the early years, we didn’t deal with anything. It all got swept under the rug, and we continued to self-medicate. He did it with substances and work, I did it with friends and faith and etc.

        Now, the first marriage has passed away. But the new is literally on the horizon. We have changed and are changing. We are communicating, and caring, and committing to one another. It’s kind of unbelievable, but for the first time in all this long, long story I have some solid hope.

        Whatever happens, the end of the story can be a good ending. Whether we say good-bye as we lay our spouse to rest or we decide we need to separate or divorce, whether we choose to stay together and fight for the marriage and forgive what we will never be able to forget, we can become the person we envision. We’re not alone. I, too, am hoping for good, better and best times to come, not just for US (H and I) but for every single one of us.

      • rollercoasterrider

        P.S. Holding On, I also had a great deal of trouble forgiving. This may sound absurd, but one day (living alone, now, mind you) I got up and turned on a program I often watch. The speaker was talking about forgiveness, and she had been emotionally, physically and sexually abused by her own father for 15 years. She said that we can just decide to forgive, and that this would be for oneself, to be free. As odd as it seemed, I decided to give it a try. I wrote H an e-mail that morning telling him I forgave him. Nothing in our situation changed right then, but I felt amazing for the whole rest of the day. I have often since that day needed to remind myself that I forgave him, and that it doesn’t depend on how I feel. It’s a decision I made.

        • Anita

          I also watch that same program, she also has a new book
          out on Forgiveness, if were talking about the same program.
          I started watching her program after my divorce, I credit my healing to my faith. I also went to one of her conferences a
          couple of years ago, when she taught on confronting our own Goliath’s in our lives.

          • Anita

            If this is the same program, this speaker also says, She’s
            not where she wants to be, but she’s not where she use to
            be, in her faith. Thats how I feel also, I can look back a see
            many many mistakes I have made, and some I still continue to make, however from glory to glory I am slowly
            changing, and I want to continue to grow. My biggest growth happens in times of pain and sorrow, I now can
            appreciate those times, because I can look back and see
            where I have grown. Sad but true, had my divorce never
            happened I wouldn’t have experienced the growth on
            forgiveness, it has also brought me closer to God.

            • rollercoasterrider

              Anita, I agree. I know I have a long way to go but there are lessons I probably could not have learned any other way. I’m so thankful for each opportunity…

            • Anita

              The book of James in the Bible tells us about this, the
              first few verses in James chap 1 verses 2 through 8.

    • Recovering

      Prior to the affair I said that if he ever cheated that I would leave. I had been cheated on in previous relationships (not marriages) and he knew how difficult it was for me and how it had really hurt my opinion of me. I thought he was different… guess I was wrong!! When I found out that he had cheated, I yelled and screamed and told him to get out… he didn’t leave… I left a few times, always with him calling me or texting me to come home, and I always did, that same day. I would throw him out, and he would refuse to leave because “I live here”… all the while we had a 11 year old and a 9 year old. Had it not been for them and me being completely unprepared to financially support the three of us (I was NOT leaving my children with him under ANY circumstances), I really would have left him. I really would have. I was sooooo angry for the longest time because we had agreed that I would stay home with the kids while he worked and finished school, and then I would go back to school when the kids were both in school. So that is what we did. But then the job market hit rock bottom the year I graduated, and I couldn’t get a job, and after a year and a half of looking for a ‘real’ job, I found out about his 2 year affair. Even now, with a ‘real’ job I am so far behind him in experience in the job market that I still couldn’t afford to raise the kids alone. I would be considered poverty level with them!! I loved my husband and couldn’t believe what he had done.. I was in shock and denial for a good 4 months…. I can’t believe I stayed sometimes, but I wanted a real life for my kids. Just because divorce has become the norm didn’t mean I wanted to do that – and damn it, I wasn’t about to give up my dreams for some whore after I had worked so hard for 16 years to get my husband and family to where we were. The fact that HE was an idiot didn’t mean that I needed to be one too…. though that realization came around 7 months after D-day…. I would NEVER stay again, regardless of anything else if he cheats again. I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT go through the hell I’ve been through the last year again. It wouldn’t even matter if I thought I could go through it again – I would be lying to myself. This was the only time he could screw me over so bad… no more chances, or I KNOW it is WHO HE IS and not just a selfish mistake. Another affair would KILL the love I have for him… it almost did this first time. I deserve better than that, and I WILL NOT settle again. I try not to feel like I am settling this time, though sometimes it sneaks in there anyway. I love my husband…. LOVE HIM, but respect myself too. I know I said I wouldn’t stay before, but I didn’t know what it would be like to leave a marriage with children… now I know how awful it is all the way around, and how I could NEVER trust him again if he was to stray again… Wouldn’t even cross my mind to stay if he strayed again. I’d be outta there faster than he could think – and without even a goodbye!!

      • Teresa

        Recovering…isn’t it sad to know that WE thought more of our children, and how this would affect them…then our CS did…very, VERY sad!

      • Paula

        Recovering, this is my story, too. I worked in our joint business, for love, for the feeling of having “earned” the money, too, and looked after our children fulltime, also, I was very invovled in our community, serving on many community committees, coaching sports teams, organising a roster and delivering meals on wheels, that kind of thing. I also was not going to leave the children with him, and I sure as hell was not going to be the one to leave my home, he left it, he had the affair, so he had to move out, and refused, eventually he did leave a couple of times, at my request. I also feel that my bringing up the children has cost me decades out of the workforce. I did go back to paid employment about 4 months before he started the affair, after 15 years at home/in our business. I started on a low base salary, but have, in the four years since, in recession, doubled my salary, and negotiated more child friendly hours to go with that. But, it still means I lag behind my contemporaries in the earning power stakes (unlike his AP, who is a corporate singleton, who chose to steal semen from the used condom of a client she was shagging, to conceive her only child, and then immediately return to work, leaving him fulltime in the care of nannies) and I thought it very unfair that we had to suffer financially for his error!

    • Paula

      Wow! Lots of comments, haven’t read them all yet. My answer to your question, is, I thought I would probably leave, but I wasn’t entirely sure, because there are different types of affairs, and different circumstances. I certainly did discuss this with my partner, my parents separated just as I was off to uni, due to my Dad being gay (and obviously having at least one affair.) So I was very aware of this. We discussed it quite a bit over the years, we had several friends’ marriages disintegrate due to affairs, we both thought it was very selfish, and unnecessary. If you are unhappy in a relationship, or tempted, TALK!!! The other thing we discussed was that sometimes dumb (or drunken, or whatever) things happen, we all make mistakes, so if there was ever a one night stand sort of thing (God forbid, we did NOT want this, either) that CONDOMS ARE IMPERATIVE!!! My Dad came out in the mid-80s, during the first AIDS epidemic, so I had the best sex education ever! DO NOT EVER ENGAGE IN SEX WITH ANYONE WITHOUT A CONDOM, UNLESS YOU ARE IN A COMMITTED, MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU KNOW YOUR PARTNER’S SEXUAL HISTORY/HEALTH STATUS! I thought that was obvious, but I did state it, many times! He agreed. He had a sexual affair with a single woman, ex-GF who had previously cheated on him (so not of great moral character) he says he thought she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, but A) that is naive and B) what about her history. IDIOT! He didn’t, he even thought she was trying to get pregnant to him, at the end of their affair, when he was trying to extricate himslef without me finding out, and still didn’t use one, WTF!

      Bottom line is, I love this man, he was in a very bad emotional space when he got caught up in this stupid fantasy (lonely and confused) he worked through it, it hurt like hell, he was GUTTED he got into it, but got himself out of it, and was prepared to do whatever it took to try to make it better. I tried really hard for nearly three years to stick with it, but the pain was too much for me, still is. I have just been diagnosed with PTSD – I thought I might be dealing with it (due to my earlier rape, that I thought I had dealt with at the time, but has re-surfaced.) I have it late onset, and very severely, it has affected my daily life and my feelings about myself, and my sexuality, so am going to try to get to grips with that.

      I don’t believe anyone really knows how they would handle affairs, until you have to. I have had dozens of people say to me, that they couldn’t do what I did, couldn’t forgive and try to move forward, my best friend was one, but she also commented that she adores my ex-partner, and knew it was not who he is, so kind of understood my position, her husand has a very obvious wandering eye, they both know it, and they work together on it, she has stated to him that if she ever finds out he has acted on his urges (bordering on sexula addiction) even thought they work on his desires, she will leave, taking their five children, and half of his many large dairy farms! Love is a powerful thing, and you should never give up until you have done all in your power to grow.

    • DJ

      I also thought I would never stay with a cheater. I thought I would kick his sorry butt out the door and that I would automatically hate him forever. End of story. We had never had serious discussions about it. We are both religious and never thought it could possibly ever happen to us. But the topic had come up at get-togethers when someone heard about someone else having an affair. We had the same stance on it.

      On D-day I did tell him to leave and that we would figure the rest out later. I was too traumatized to function and deal with everything that day. But by evening, I felt sorry that he would have to stay in a hotel, and I didn’t want him staying with a friend. He would have had to tell them the embarrassing reason for me kicking him out. So I moved into the guest room. I liked the bed in there and he didn’t, so I figured it would work out that way. Then he could find an apartment for himself and we would proceed with divorce. He never left.

      A week later I found this site and saw that many people tried to work it out after infidelity. At first, I was incredulous. Stay married to someone who had betrayed me and deceived me? How was that possible? But I kept reading. And as my head cleared, I knew that I still loved him, so maybe it was worth a shot. I was not optimistic at first, but I was willing to try. He said and did all the right things at the beginning. He begged me to let him stay. So we decided to put our best into our marriage.

      It has been a long haul. We have had good growth at some points. We have fallen backwards and almost out the door a couple of times, too. We have both tortured ourselves and sometimes each other. Last month I would have said that we were definitely going to stay together. Today I’m not so sure. The journey is not over yet.

      • Paula

        Well said, DJ! I agree, however, I surprised myself, immediately on discovery, I was weirdly calm! On the outside, at least. I can remember the hamsters starting to sprint on the wheel in my head, but I remembered to breathe. I somehow, instinctively knew that I should stay as calm as possible, yes, I knew the anger would explode out of me, that is who I am, but that I should give myself 12 months to see if we could save things. He was gobsmacked, he immediately offered to pack his bags that night, and leave (it was after midnight, and we were driving!) He just kept apologising and was white as a sheet. I said, “no, I think I need you to help me get to grips with this, and you need to help me deal with this, you’re not going anywhere, unless you want, or need to.” I encouraged him to go to her, calmly, if that was what would truly make him happy. I really, really want him to be happy, I love him. He just stared at me and said, “why would I do that, I’ve got the best woman in the world, she’s not a patch on you?” That’s when I got angry! Why then, etc… It had just taken him a long time to work through all the stuff that was going on in his head, realising he was escaping his own insecurities. He had done all of this and ended it before I ever knew. He was disgusted in himself.

        • DJ

          Hi Paula – that is a lot like my situation. It has taken a long time for me to take myself out of the problem. I still struggle with it sometimes. But when I am calm and rational I can see how his insecurities led him down that path, not me. He had also already tried to break it off when I found out. She was still writing him every day, and I know he would have fallen back into it if I had not found out, but on D-day they were not “together.”
          Today he refers to it as his “shameful past.” I know he is sorry, but as yet he has not done the work on himself to change the problems that caused this mess.
          As most of us have found, real life turned out to be so different from what I thought it would be.
          Hope all is well with you, Paula!

    • Gizfield

      The thing that bothered me the most is that I trusted my husband COMPLETELY! ! Ugh, trust me, that will not happen again. I had several people interested in me, and chose him because I thought he had all these qualities he did not have. I will never trust him again, although he appears to be mostly truthful now. He had it all and blew it over a no good tramp. I also lost a LOT of respect for him over this. This truly is the most hurtful thing you can do to another person, in my opinion.

    • livingonafence

      I never thought about it. My H had such a low opinion of cheaters and was vocal about it. He thought cheaters were scum and said there was no reason to cheat because a person can just leave I honestly never gave it a thought, although I’m sure in my head I assumed it would be the end. I was in complete shock when it happened, and can honestly say if it didn’t send me into such a tailspin and destroy my faith in anything, I would have left. I was a weak jellyfish after DDay, mostly from a lack of sleep and inability to focus on anything for more than a few seconds. I was exhausted, depressed, and in a constant state of panic/depression/confusion.

      I can say now that had that reaction not occurred, and I had remained stronger during the discovery, I would have left. I look back now and often wish I had. I’d be over it by now and I’d feel a lot stronger as a person. Oh well.

      The A did end our marriage in a way. In some ways things are improved – he’s more attentive and affectionate. However, my feelings for him aren’t as strong as they were and at this point I’m positive they’ll never be again. I can’t trust him. He lies, he’s selfish, and just a week ago said he doesn’t think lying about the I Love You’s and the horrible things about me was bad because if I’d left it alone and never found out things would be better than they are now. So I do still get some of his bullsh!t justifying and I also get that he thinks lying is ok if HE thinks “no harm done”. He said this in a pretty defensive state, but he said it, and like everything else he’s done to destroy this relationship, he can’t take it back.

      I’m not even sure any longer if I stay because I love him or because I don’t like the thought of being single again.

    • Anita

      I was brought up with the belief you stay together and work
      things out. The first time my exhusband cheated I took that
      approach. With his last affair that was more than enough
      for me, we divorced.
      I am self sufficient, and my children were older, so there
      was no reason for me to stay in a marriage with a cheating
      husband, so I didn’t.

    • Gizfield

      They call out cheating because you are taking something earned by one person and giving it to another. It was 2 months before our daughter started kindergarten that my husband announced he wanted a divorce, he was “in love” , with someone else. Apparently not too much in love cause he never left. I do know this stupid bull sh# t, which he and his girlfriend are both responsible for I might add, have Cheated me out of the happiness I could have felt the last 3 years. It’s like theres a cloud of sadness that follows me wherever I go, sometimes close, sometimes st a distance.

    • Gizfield

      A note about Reality here. NOTHING in my entire life has ever pissed me off more than knowing my husband was out pursuing a Whore while I was home watching our child . Nothing. Ever. Period. I have never felt such total complete rage. It still makes me mad and I will never forgive that. I could deal with him cheating on me, but cheating our family is unforgivable.

    • Greg

      Funny thing was we had actually discussed what we would do if one of us cheated and for both of us it would be to leave the other. This was all assuming a PA, an EA never crossed our minds as I have many female friends and she has many male friends. I was so devestated when I found out and for the following week while I gathered evidence that I was sure I wanted her to leave. When I confronted her I had come to the point where I realized I still loved her but didn’t know what to do so I left it up to her. I gave her the option of going with him or staying and working on our relationship, just not that nicely. Obviously she chose to stay and work on us. A very big factor in it was also the kids, neither of us wanted to leave our two girls so we have stuck it out and worked hard on each of us and us together. It’s been a tough 10 months but we have worked to the point that we are almost friends again and both of us see us going forward together at this point.

    • Anita

      Forgiveness is for you, it never makes what they did right,
      however it takes the poison away from you. We can’t
      change the past, however we can forgive it so it no longer
      controls us. There’s an old saying those who anger you
      control you. Put the past behind and press on to whats
      ahead. Try not to keep dwelling on his wrong choices,
      instead focus on what you want for your life now.

    • tsd

      I’m your typical story on this site…husband had ea …I forgave quickly, asked questions, changed immediately for him, because a sex freak, was everything I thought he wanted..I told him, if you do this again, I will divorce you. We never did counseling, I read books, and blamed myselft for everything….then he cheated on me again, bought another secret phone, lied again, was a dickhead again, so I said calmly, get out, I have an attorney and I will file in the morning. He was sorry then all right. Spent money on intensive counseling, got programs and books for me, talked nightly about what we would do for future. Did he change? Hell no…did I stay? Hell yes…not sure why….love him but I’m exhausted from a one sided relationship. When we saw other couples divorce, cheat and play dirty, I told him it was unexcusable behavior. I said I would never stay if he cheated. He always said, you don’t know other side of story…now I know, he was on the team of cheaters. Sad why we change our minds….I wonder why I expect more from a man I fell madly in love with? I forgave him once again, but he won’t have my trust or respect for a long while. He just needs to act…I’ve seen just lazy attitude now and a health scare that makes me do everything for him once again…like I said, I’m exhausted. Never thought marriage was this …hard…unbelievably hard. I want something new since my past has been so altered…that so ugh to ask????

    • Broken2

      For me…I told my husband that I could probably tolerate anything in a marriage but cheating was a deal breaker for me. I still haven’t come to terms with his EA and wonder if those words will someday be actually how it turns out. Like many of you have stated… husband wasn’t like that, I felt safe and secure in the knowledge that he would never do that to us…ever.His father cheated on his mother throughout their marriage and he had seen the pain and anguish she endured and he said he would never do that to me. We had 38 years of history together, 4 beautiful children and grandchildren. Then it happened and here I am. One thing I really struggle with is that I liked our marriage before the affair….before no one had ever been a part of it. He had some struggles with work and for awhile his life was out of control but that ended and we were doing great. He even told me he talked to her about how “great” our marriage was. Really? So why wasn’t I good enough then? He tries really hard, says all the right things, is remoresful, very loving but none of it will ever bring back the marriage that was sacred and shared by only two…..none of it will bring back the truth of the vows we took 30 plus years ago. Its all a lie now and for me still teters on a deal breaker.I think if he were to really look in my eyes he would see that the flame is now only a flicker. I feel like I have become the liar now because he tells me everyday how fanastic our marriage is now and we’ll be together forever and I smile and say yes but inside I dont feel that way. I feel he destroyed us 20 months ago.

      • Teresa

        I think Broken2 that we need to look at Doug and Linda….see that they are making it…and have hope that we can also make it. My H and I are in a good place, he is more attentive now than ever before, Is reading books on how to be a better husband and father…yet I feel a bit like you do…Will we EVER be able to move past all the lies and betrayal..
        My H’s father was a cheater also, he saw the pain his mom went through and over 23 yrs ago my H had an EA while overseas in the military and again in 2010….I now know “why” my H had the EA…low self esteem,father is an alcoholic, his mom was a cold, bitter person…the OW met a need he had for admiration and affirmation, etc..
        What I have trouble with is that my H thought he could get away with it…so that’s why he did it, and why he never thought once about me or our children and how we would feel, even after the cow’s H found out about them, 3 wks before I did, he STILL had contact with her, KNOWING that they had been busted!
        The cow found a way to text my H through her home computer, so her H wouldn’t find out…3 days after she promised him she wouldn’t have any more contact with my H.
        When I asked my H if he was a worried about her H finding a way to get in touch with me and telling me he said yea, that his stomach was in knots…but yet, he didnt stop! He went on a business trip, 6 hrs away ….and he text her the whole time..while driving!! A HUGE thing in this house, since we have two teens who were threatened with all kinds of dire consequences if we EVER caught them texting and driving!
        It’s things like this that bother me…I told him, what if you had wrecked while texting and driving, and killed yourself….and I was left with a cell phone full of messages from the OW but no answers….what a legacy to leave behind…

      • Paula

        Broken2, I understand and relate – I could have written your exact words! Have a look at today’s post, re: grief. I believe you have to grieve the old marriage in order to move on, and it’s damn hard! I look to RCR, who actually had to divorce to bury her old marriage. And yet, she may still have a future with her ex, it was a process they had to go through to get the old out of the way. It takes many different routes to get on the path of true recovery, my best to you

    • Broken2

      They always find away dont they sneaky little you know whats. I have a question for ANYONE who knows about Linked In. I have the password and user name to my husbands everything….his doing. Today I looked on his Linked in site and there she was with her “new” profile picture (totally unprofessional leaning againt a car) on his news site. She isnt and hasnt been a connection on his Linkedin site so how did she put that there. Does anyone know? I thought LinkedIN was by invite only and you cant just randomly post on peoples sites?

      • Healing Mark

        Broken2. Check your H’s Linkedin connections to see if the OW is one of them. My guess is that she is. Otherwise, the new profile picture would not show up on your H’s daily updates. At least, that’s how it works for my Linkedin page/account. Profile picture updates do get sent to all of my Lindedin connections, and the only one I have had that was sent to my connections is when I went from no picture to a picture at the request of the new firm that I recently joined. And I only get Linkedin updates, whether new profile pictures, other changes to profiles, and other prepared messages, from persons that I am connected to. I am not connected to my wife’s AP and I do not get any updates from him on Linkedin, although he doesn’t really use it and when I “disconnected” from him on D-day, I noted that he had all of 23 connections.

      • Healing Mark

        Broken2. On your H’s homepage, move your cursor over his name in the top right of the page and click “Settings”. Then click the “Account” section. Then click the “Customize the updates you see on your homepage” link. Then, from the “Update type” tab, check or uncheck the boxes for your display options. As you will see, most all displays are either from connections of your H or companies he might follow or groups that he might be a member of. Some updates can, however, come from his “extended network” and for the life of me I don’t know what this term means.

        • Broken2

          Healing Mark….I followed your steps and got to the page you spoke of …I didn’t see extended network but I also did not see her name anywhere and they indicated unlike social networks (facebook) you cant hide or block individual people. I guess I have to assume that because she was once a connection he can still get stuff from her which is really strange, I dont get it. Just hope its not a setback or another lie. She was deleted 2 years ago (I did it with his blessings) Thanks you for your help

    • Paula

      Broken2, I’m not sure, I’ve found LinkedIn quite bad for that. Our OWs cheating brother, oh, yeah, it runs in her family BIG TIME, he was married three times before he was 35 – all cheating breakups – keeps ending up on my news page. too. It’s weird, because we don’t even work in remotely linked industries, or live anywhere near each other, and neither of them have been linked to my account, and my ex doesn’t have one! Bizarre. Needless to say, I rarely look at or use LinkedIn anymore.

    • chiffchaff

      My H also kept the OW as a connection on LinkedIn until I found her on his list. I had to ask him to remove her, which he did very reluctantly. I have noted that he still has the woman he had an EA with over 4 years ago on there too. He has no need to be connected to either of them professionally.
      Social media is great but it really does help speed up and maintain inappropriate behaviours/relationships which otherwise would be very difficult in pre-internet days. I’m no luddite but smart phones, internet, all of that, skype, without it my H would have left that slut and the memory of her in Boston after that first night stand he had with her. That’s not really on topic I know.

    • Broken2

      DIdnt mean to jack the thread…..Paula and Healing Mark I checked connections, groups and followers….not on any of those……thank goodness. Not sure why she is on there…

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